My Dad Wrote A Porno - S2E10 - 'Sir James Pops Up'

Episode Date: September 5, 2016

It's Friday night and Belinda and her "glee team" are gossiping over drinks at the Pentra. But it isn't long before company chairman Sir James Godwin interrupts their evening for a bit of slap and tickle... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno. My wife has walked out and I don't know what to do. I'm devastated. Definitely quit your job then. What are you doing? I'd like to destroy my life.

My wife's walked out so I'm quitting this job and I'm selling my house for a pound. It's sopping wet with his actual saliva. He's like a St. Bernard dog. It's like Beethoven. I think he shakes his head at a meeting and everyone's like, no, Jess! And it for some reason happens in slow-mo. It's dribb no, Jess! And it, for some reason, happens in slow-mo. It's dribbly, Jess! I'm just in M&S, getting a few items for our lunch tomorrow.

Be done in five, so I'll meet you there in 20. Ciao! Done in five, meet you in 20. Subtract the four, add a seven. Double your age, divide it by two. Ta-ta. It's My Dad Wrote a Porno. We are in double figures.

It's chapter 10. James Ellis, how are you feeling about that? I feel like the end is nigh and we can go home. No. We've got eight more, James, unfortunately. In a past life, we must have committed quite a crime because this is quite a sentence. Guys, each time you say that,

think of me in this situation. You guys just have to hear it. I have to live it. This is my father's work. You must have done something rotten. It's not like you mention it every day. How are we both? I'm really good.

I feel like we've had effusive feedback about the past few episodes. I know. Who'd have thought dribbly Des Martin would go down so well? Oh, dribble chops. Oh, don't. Her skirt was sopping wet from spit. Actual spit. Spittle. It's nice we're back in the UK. Like, as much as I love Amsterdam, there's only so much time you can spend there. Do you know what I mean? Got a bit homesick. Yeah. I love that she just went for an overnight and didn't even sleep that's belinda she's like what is she 29 and she's got the stamina of a 20 year old it's the face of a 40 year old though she carries on living that way honestly good for the body not for the face you know what i mean life in the vaseline let's not

even talk about the state of a vagina well we know the state of that james do we so let's leave something to the imagination shall shall we, for once? The other thing people are talking about is how much better written book two is. Are they? Yeah. Who's saying that? That was an email from Rocky. No, no, no.

Honestly, like, look, checking Twitter and things, people really seem to think that Rocky has found his stride. He's improving as a writer. You know, we've had twists when she was having sex in a window and we didn't even know until they turned the lights on. There have been surprises galore, actually, in this book. Yeah. Can we enter him in any literary prizes?

I was going to enter him into the Bad Sex Award, but that doesn't include erotica, unfortunately. And also, they couldn't let him win, because he'd just win every year, and then that's kind of the end of the award, isn't it? The Bad Sex Award doesn't include erotica. He'd be the Meryl Streep of the Bad Sex Awards. Always wins. Cleaning up. Cleaning up. And no, James, it doesn't include erotica. He'd be the Meryl Streep of the bad sex awards. Always wins.

Cleaning up. Cleaning up. And no, James, it doesn't. That's mental. It's sex scenes in regular novels. Isn't it an absolute travesty? That is a travesty. Well, Rocky has been robbed, quite frankly.

There'll be other awards for him to win. He doesn't need to win a dedicated bad sex award. We can just get him regular book prizes. Yeah, I was going to say, I'd like him to win something that isn't like a bad sex award i wanted to win like the man booker prize the pulitzer prize things like that we have to be americans with a pulitzer i don't care you have to be good writer to win the pulitzer but that's not gonna stop rocky yeah let's stop worrying about the stipulations i don't think it's ever gonna happen do you think our book that we've

written will ever win an award um most shameless cash in on a Podcast Award. Heat Book of the Week. Richard and Judy's Book Club. That's a very coveted title. So remind me what the potentially award-winning next chapter is going to be. It's called Sir James Pops Up. Pops Up. I mean, this could mean so many things. Nipples, penises, what's going to pop?

Exactly. Lids. Could he pop out of one of those birthday cakes, you know, when sometimes people hide in them? That's not classy enough for Sir James. No, he's a knight of the realm, for goodness sake. So this is Sir James Godwin, the chairman of

Steals Pots and Pans. Patron of the Asses and Donkeys Trust. Owner of a very grand house and garden maze that you might remember from book one. Yeah, organiser of one of the weirdest parties I've ever heard of in my life. He loves a tombola. You both secretly want to go to that tombola, don't you? I would love to go to that tombola.

I'd love to be one of the wags, one of the wives and girlfriends that's the plus ones, just to watch it all. You need to date someone in the pots and pans industry there now. I can but dream. Just hang around in Lakeland or something, I'm sure you'll come across someone. I'll find me a husband. So, are we ready then? Should we delve in? Always ready. I can but dream. Just hang around in Lakeland or something. I'm sure you'll come across something. I'll find me a husband. So are we ready then?

Shall we delve in? Always ready. Belinda blinked. Two. Chapter 10. Sir James pops up. Pop goes the weas Hotel, I believe. Oh, yeah, we left the girls having a little kind of girly get-together.

Correct. And did they walk there? I can't remember if they ended up getting a taxi or not. There was a right to do, wasn't there? It is notoriously tricky. It was Friday night. OK, so, Belinda was feeling frustrated. She still hadn't heard about what happened to Bella at the barbecue. I love that we're still on the barbecue.

The barbecue in book one. Well, she's only worked at the company, haven't we worked it out, like three or four weeks or something? This is the end of her fourth week at the company. So it wasn't that long ago. So it's still very much getting to know everyone, team bonding. Maybe the barbecue is going to become the kind of pivotal event of the whole saga eventually well we didn't think we'd really

revisit anything from book one and everything is basically just a kind of footnote to that isn't it it's like don't forget in chapter eight this happened just catching you up who knew that that chapter was the most important chapter in the whole of belinda Blink. Bella, how did you get all that lipstick over you? And how did you get on with small cock Sterling? What a nickname. I told you. Yeah, she had her 12 hours with Sterling. Very good memory, James.

She's likely repressed that memory, hasn't she? Yeah, she's like, I don't remember. I have not heard of Jim Sterling. My vagina has been cleared of it. Bella, how did you get all that lipstick over you? And how did you get on with small cock Sterling? Who? No, she has.

Bella and Giselle Chorus. Who? Come on, Bella. You'd all remember Jim. You really would. For right or for wrong. He's a memorable guy. The world remembers Jim Sterling.

There are two people on earth who don't know who Jim Sterling is. You heard me. You heard me. Small cock Sterling. Jim Bean. You know, the yank. Jim Bean? Isn't that a bourbon or something?

That's Jim Beam. Oh, so she's saying Jim Bean as in like bean penis? Yeah, is it kind of a play on jim bean but it's like like jim flagello it's like a little little flagello bean flagello broad bean what else could it be it's not a broad bean a baked bean it's not a green bean they're very long cannellini it's not a butter bean is it it might well be actually i think it's a butter bean how do you two know so many types of beans? We're big in the pulses.

You two are so middle class. I was like, yeah, baked bean was as far as I could go. We could go into a hike over there, but, you know, we won't. Fucking bean snobs. You heard me. Small cock sterling. Jim Bean. You know, the yank.

Bella, please back me up on this. Belinda, you need to know that Jim Sterling just used me to research all our products that could be acceptable in the USA that Sunday evening. What do you mean? What? So Jim Sterling was, what, with Bella? Yeah, well, that's her story. Bella, get out the non-stick.

I want to try that one too. What do you mean? Just use it to test it out. Can I see your catalogue? We had a late dinner around 11pm and then his chauffeur drove me home. What an awful date. Jim Sterling paid for Bella,

the receptionist of Steals, Pots and Pans, to find out more about the range. It's just bullshit, isn't it? It's absolute bullshit. Everyone knows that a receptionist knows everything about any company. That's true. That's well known.

If you want to know the dirt, ask the receptionist. But if you want to know the pros and cons of various products, would she know that? Possibly not. He said he was on an early morning flight to Texas and that I should come with you

when you visit him next week. Oh. Next week. She's going to see Jim Sterling next week. There are 17 chapters. We're on chapter 10. She's visiting him next week. Oh. Next week. She's going to see Jim Sterling next week. There are 17 chapters. We're on chapter 10. She's visiting him next week. I think we're about to go to Texas, guys. I don't know. A day can take eight or nine chapters.

Yeah, the first book was 24 hours, wasn't it? Of course Bella's like, oh yeah, I'll come to America. I don't think Belinda will be very happy about that. She's kind of done the legwork by the sounds of it. He seemed pleased with my work. Bella, I do not believe you, said Belinda.

We thought he'd given you a really rough time as we'd not seen you on the Monday morning. No, he was a thorough gentleman. Good. So it all went well with Sterling after the tombola. But what did you get up to when I was in the maze and Giselle was in the garage? She's so nosy. It doesn't matter. None of your business. Aha, replied Bella very quickly. Now that is a story worth hearing.

Well, then let's cut straight to that, Rocky. Why did we have all of this business? So she hung out with Sir James Godwin, surely. Why would she hang out with Sir James Godwin? Because that's the name of the chapter title. Yeah, it never means anything, though. Yeah. Bella, the receptionist of Steele's Fox and Panscott, with the chairman.

That is pure conjecture. I think you're so outraged by something that you don't know has happened yet. That's definitely happened, and that's so not professional, even by Belinda's standards. Or does it show initiative? Just saying.

Aha, replied Bella, very quickly. Now that is a story worth hearing. Spill the beans, Bella, said Giselle. She didn't say it like that. Spill the beans, Bella. Spill the bean, Bella. The girls laughed and replenished their wine glasses. Sir James met me at the barbecue.

Told you. And told me Tony had given him responsibility for looking after me that afternoon. She's not a toddler. Can you look after her? Just make sure she doesn't wander off. To be honest, if you leave her for two seconds, she does get herself in a right mess. So, probably wise. But her thong is always straight.

That's true. Of course, I was very flattered. does get herself in a right mess, so probably wise. But her thong is always straight. Always. Of course I was very flattered, even though he's a bit past what I would have preferred. Anyway, as it turned out, I needn't have worried about him. He delegated me to one of his horse racing cronies, some duke or other, called Clarence.

Duke Clarence. Called Clarence called Clarence as I later found out later like when always later eight chapters later yeah

this guy Clarence took me into the house and started showing me the portraits in the west wing or perhaps it was the east wing

but no matter I soon ended up in the bedroom with him of course so they were looking at some family portraits potentially of Clarence's like that Aunt Edna I soon ended up in the bedroom with him. Of course. So they were looking at some family portraits, potentially of Clarence's, like, that Aunt Edna, she would tend these lawns when she was with us, that's great, great Uncle Michael.

Great Uncle Cornelius. Now can I take you to the bedroom, dear? It's not really sexy chat, is it, or are you dead rallies? I don't know, it depends what you're into. But I imagine Clarence was like, Hello there. Let me show you the paintings. Like dribbling out of his mouth.

No more dribble. Like a monocle as well. Oh, for sure. And a very kind of jaunty cane. Yeah. You're a fine young filly. Bit of a niche reference, but has anyone seen Mary Poppins?

You know, like the manager of the bank. Oh, God, yeah. He's really old and spindly. I thought you were going to say the man that fires off the cannonballs. Cherry tree lane. I soon ended up in a bedroom with him. That doesn't mean anything happened, guys. Let's not jump to conclusions.

He stripped me. Okay, maybe something happened. God knows what he did with my thong. Probably ate it the way he was aroused. Edible thongs. You can get those, can't you? Probably ate it. Probably didn't.

Let's be honest. Probably didn't eat your thong. Why would he eat it? He was so aroused. Probably flossed with it, knowing how much food was stuck in his tooth. Oh, God. Can you imagine the chew on that?

Would you neck it? Would you just swallow it back? Dine in one like an oyster, yeah. Squeeze the lemon. It's quite the aphrodisiac. Then he tied me to a four-poster bed with some stupid green plastic handcuffs. Oh, my God. There's the rest of the batch.

Bye. We've already had, what, red and yellow? I was now star-shaped. He then stripped off, and boy, oh oh boy, did he look good. Oh, okay. Well, we've got it all wrong. He's obviously a thing. He could still be old, but just...

Spry. Spry. A really sinewy old man who runs a lot and things like that. Yeah. It's quite jarring, isn't it, when you see an old man with a good body? With a six-pack. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I know.

I'm furious at them. And liver spots. And those blood blisters. You know those ones that you think initially it's a freckle, but it's a red dot? Do you know what I mean? Well, that is a blood blister. A little blood blister.

You sound like you've looked in too much detail. She calls them beauty spots on her own body. I play doctor dot. You could tell he was in the racing set. Well tanned and hung like a stallion. It isn't like horse-like owner. It's not like you look at a big dick and you're like, he must work with horses.

And he had a glossy mane. Well tanned and hung like a stallion. Oh, gross. Though, to be honest, I've never seen one of those. Yet. What does that mean, a stallion? A stallion's penis, think what well no one has if they're normal what does she mean that's some sort of joke on bella's part no but have you seen

a horse's penis no and let's stop talking about it have you yeah why like driving what what cruising i was looking for it if you look look for it, you'll find it. Drive around long enough. No, like driving through the countryside. You know when there's fields of horses, sheep, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, there was a horse. Really, really long penis. Like almost leg length.

Could it have been a leg? Yeah, it could have been a leg. Belinda and Giselle took the pause in Bella's story to laugh about the handcuffs, the stallion and to pour out more wine What? They wait for pauses in stories We'll cover all our reactions

in the pauses I wish I could laugh now while she's saying it but I'll have to wait 45 minutes for her to pause Belinda and Giselle took the pause in Bella's story to laugh about the handcuffs, the stallion and to pour out more wine They got a lot done in that pause took the pause in Bella's story to laugh about the handcuffs, the stallion, and to pour out more wine. They got a lot done in that pause.

Book a holiday. Belinda had a pedicure. Got their eyebrows threaded. And on with the story. Well, then he got this red lipstick from somewhere and started painting me with it. God, symbols. Clarence, not again. His medication will be wearing off.

It'll be like, must make you look like mother. I'll make you a pretty lady like mother was. He said it reminded him of his days in Rhodesia. Which it hasn't been for how long? Like 40 years or something. Zimbabwe, dad. Zimbabwe. So he is old then. If you can remember back to the times of Rhodesia,

that means he must be at least 60s. At least. At least. I thought to myself, you're just making me look like one of those tarts on the old Kent Road. What old tarts would those be? What with makeup all over their bodies? What?

Are there tarts on the old Kent Road? I couldn't tell you. I've never been down there. My brother lives on the old Kent Road. He's never mentioned it. Here's a tart. Yeah, here's one of them. Maybe there were tarts on the old Kent Road

back when Zimbabwe was Rhodesia. Potentially. That's the snapshot we're getting. There's now a massive asda, I think. So definitely some tarts then. Bakewell. I also reckoned he needed glasses, as his aim was terrible.

Aim? Has he got it on a stick? Has he stood far away? I don't understand. I mean, he made a terrible job of my lips. Took him five goes to get it right. Why is she letting it happen? I'd be like, get off, you lunatic.

What are you doing? She's tired. She's in a star shape. Yeah, she's in a star shape. Handcuffs. Then he went on to my tits. Now even you girls have to admit, they're not exactly

small. He just couldn't circle around the nipples for love nor money. He's like a toddler with a crayon. Stay in the line. Yeah, exactly. I felt like doing it for him only I was all tied up. Yes, we know. Oh, God. What?

Next, he went lower. Where? And do I mean lower? What? I don't know, do you? My toes. Oh. Her toes?

What, like in between? Head, shoulders, tits and toes. First time I've had lipstick on my toes. I tell you what it is. We all remember the first time we had lipstick on our toes, don't we guys? First time I've had lipstick on my toes. Ever tried it, Belinda?

What? I mean, even for Rocky, this is lunacy. This is ridiculous. I can't say that I have, Bella. Although, thinking about it, if it was strawberry flavour, I might give it a go. For her toes? What?

Also, lipstick isn't in flavours, is it? Maybe a balm is, but then again, isn't that why you'd put it on your lips? Yeah. Rather than on your big toe. Yeah, he has taste buds on the toes. But does that mean she's sucking her toes? Oh, God, let's just get through this. Giselle nodded her head in agreement and they all laughed.

This is the nightmare night out, isn't it? They opened the second bottle of Chardonnay and Bella continued. They're all quite basic, aren't they? Such basic.

They're so basic bitches. I'll leave them be. They're having fun. They've worked hard this week. Yeah, but all they ever talk about is sex and I mean, granted it's interesting because of our sex.

I was going to say, come on, this is a great story. If someone at work came to you and said, look, you'll never guess what happened to me the other week, to be fair, I'd be like, what? So there I was, all painted up and waiting for his next move. All painted up and ready to go on a big night out. But before Clarence could take any action, this tall lady, dressed in white, walked into the room.

Do you like to do chess? Oh, do you think? Well, I was going to say, do you think it's the tall man in drag? That's a better answer. Hello. I'm Samantha. James, you've taken a turn to Rockyville. Where's my lipstick?

Oh, no. Clarence, what have you done? I think it's definitely the Duchess. But before Clarence could take any action, this tall lady dressed in white walked into the room. He hadn't even had the gumption to lock the door he was that excited at getting me into bed. Oh, no, he just couldn't find the key. He was like, oh, God, where is it?

She didn't seem too happy at what was going on because they had a fearful row and she insisted he release me from my cuffs immediately. Oh no, that's the end of the fun. Belinda and Giselle sat mesmerised. They just couldn't comprehend what Bella was telling them. What? This is the bit they can't comprehend.

They went through so much worse. It was so utterly impossible. What, they were like conflict in Belinda Bleat? Things that don't make sense. I'm shocked at them. They went, I mean,

I can't. Al, don't even try and find any kind of rhyme or reason with this. I just won't. Let's just move on. It was so utterly impossible, after all. This whole book is so utterly impossible. Which bit's utterly impossible? The fact that someone came in the room, or the fact that there was a row? That you didn't have the gumption?

The fearful row, probably. Yeah, it's a shocker. She made him release me and ordered me out of the room. But before I left, she started to whip me with a horse crop on the ass. If it is the Duchess, welcome back the Duchess. We don't know it is yet. Let's just hold fire. But if it is, we might hear about all of the secrets of the

riding set, because that's what we were promised. I have to tell you, it made me move out of the room pretty fast. Of course it did. Clothes or no clothes. It doesn't matter to Bella. She was shouting at him the whole time, but I don't think he got whipped though i suppose in her eyes he deserved it be nice to know what they were like arguing about

rather than they were just arguing it might give us some context well james god forbid dad would like mention the conflict in the book yeah seriously the admin takes precedence at all times james just really wearily uh rubbed his eyes as he said that, like, oh. I closed the door behind me, and that's where I bumped into Sir James. So that's what we call a narrative cul-de-sac, because there was literally no point for it. She's closed the door. We'll probably never hear from those characters again.

But why is Sir James Godwin there? Who's the Duchess there to see, Clarence or Sir James Godwin? I don't know. I don't care. Can I just put my stall up? I don't give a shit, but people might be asking these questions. Are you self-employed? Don't think you need business insurance? Think again. Business insurance from Zensurance is a no-brainer for every business owner because it provides peace of mind. A lot can go wrong. A fire, stolen equipment, or an unhappy customer suing you. That's why you need insurance. Don't let the, I'm too small for this mindset, hold you back from protecting yourself. Zensurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com today and buy your

policy online in just a few minutes. Zensurance, mind your business. That's where I bumped into Sir James. Of course, he had a quick fumble with my tits and clit. Of course. The least appropriate use of of course in writing ever. Of course he had a quick fumble with my tits and clit. But he soon had my clothes out of the room and back on me, albeit with a little help of a few safety pins. Then he led me through the house and back outside to where the tombola was starting.

Oh, right then. So we think that Belinda is still probably with who? Alphonse? Yeah. If the tombola's about to start, she's probably just been with Peter Rouse. Got you. Which means that probably was the Duchess.

Belinda gasped and said, so you met the Duchess and it was her husband, Clarence, who was preparing you for a fucking. So the Duchess's husband, he did say the Duke Clarence earlier. We should have known. Oh, sure.

Oh my God. We are so behind.. We should have known. Oh, sure. Oh, my God. We are so behind. Look who's basic now. Oh, quite. It does not surprise me that that is the Duchess's husband. The weird sex stuff those two must get up to. Oh, dread to think. Definitely gross. So you met the Duchess and it was

her husband, Clarence, who was preparing you for a fucking... Yep. That's it it Belinda. But the Duchess burbled Belinda. Burbled? That's a new one. How do you burble something? Burble Duchess. But the Duchess burbled Belinda.

She didn't say a thing to me. Though to be honest we did have other matters on our minds. Or should I say tongues no you shouldn't tongues dildos it was all going on no wonder she was so pissed at the world she was

livid and that of course is why she bid for me at the tombola revenge on Clarence and possibly his best pal Godwin so what I'm so confused Jean Clarence and possibly his best pal, Godwin. So, oh my goodness. It doesn't make any sense.

I love it that you're like, this reveals so much. It reveals nothing. No, it reveals that the Duchess bid on Belinda as revenge because she'd caught her husband shagging around. Oh, right. According to Belinda. Well, that's all the evidence we've got to go on right now. So, you know, that's exhibit A as far as I'm concerned.

An unreliable narrator if I ever heard one. It's getting really complicated and I never thought I'd say that about Rocky Flintstone's work. Why would she want revenge on Godwin? Yeah. Because Godwin sent Bella to Clarence. Oh, he was the facilitator. Yeah. The smuggler of the women into the West slash East Wing.

So he didn't exactly delegate Bella to Clarence. That was kind of a bit of a plan. Yeah. The smuggler of the women into the West slash East Wing. So he didn't exactly delegate Bella to Clarence. That was kind of a bit of a plan. Yeah. Okay, got you. Giselle's two hours were now up. Oh, yeah, because she had to go meet Tony, right? Ah, right, okay. He's finished working out.

And as she excused herself, the name... Belinda! ...thundered across the barn. name. Belinda! Thundered across the bar. Who is this? It's not Grigor, is it, or something? In the Pentra, I don't think so. That would have been English. Very different. Still can't get used to your Russian accent. English. Belinda bit her lip and so james godwin pushed his way towards their table what we're finally gonna meet him has he been eavesdropping oh what's so pushed how full is the pentra it's ramo haven't some people got flights to catch it's a friday night it's like the strip in faleraki She inwardly groaned.

Inwardly? What is that, like your tummy rumbling? Yeah, can you make yourself do that? This strenuous day was obviously not over. Now she feels. She'd planned going to Bella's place as previously arranged and having a bit of dinner at the local beef eater. Beef eater!

Two for one on a Friday night. She knows how to live. It's steak night. She's got to get there before eight. Someone knows the rules. She'd planned going to Bella's place as previously arranged, having a little bit of dinner at the local beef eater and a naughty movie on Bella's big screen. And then, blessed sleep.

A naughty movie! Blessed sleep. screen. And then, blessed sleep. A naughty movie? Blessed sleep. Oh my God, so many things. Blessed sleep, for one. She does need some blessed sleep. She does need some blessed sleep. A shower and some blessed sleep would sort a lot of things out. But also, that 29, why are they having sleepovers?

Just go home. She's got a big screen. I think chapter 11 is just going to be Belinda slept, and it's just like Belinda dreaming. I dread to think what that would be oh man what do you think belinda's definition of a naughty movie is yeah it's not going to be actual porn is it because that's so filthy normally she thinks it's just going to be something that's just over a 15 certificate she just thinks of it like she's still a kid she's like oh should we watch a 15 don't tell my mom saturday was for shopping when she'd hoped to purchase her horse-riding gear.

However, that was all now irrelevant. They would have to entertain Sir James, and she had a shrewd idea what that would amount to. Belinda turned to Bella. A quick strategy meeting. Let's do a regional sales manager stunt for Sir James. Let's try and get him well and truly on our side. Bella nodded.

She knew the score. She got up and went to the toilets. Please sit down. Please join us, Belinda said politely. Please go away. So what brings you here this late Friday afternoon, Belinda? Why is she talking like a riddler? Said Sir James. Oh, there we go. Because it is the riddler. So what brings you here this late

Friday afternoon, Belinda? Said Sir James as he pulled up a heavily tooled leather chair to the table. Heavily tooled. What does that mean? Do you know what that means? I have no idea what that means. Heavily tooled. Heavy. Tooled? I like your Sir James Godwin voice. I really like that. Tata. Well, sir, I was just debriefing Bella on my successful negotiations with Peter Rowell's supermarket chain in Holland.

Bullshit. No, you were not. I just flew back this afternoon, and to be honest, we've done extremely well with them. Show off. Sir James was obviously flabbergasted. We've made a sale, who'd have thought? Where's Bella? Toilet, sir.

Toilet, sir. Please, sir, she's in the toilet. Suppose we all need them sometime. He muttered. Yes, we do, Sir James. Tell me, did you meet Rouse's wife, Christina, or Chris, as her friends know her? Yeah, we know Rocky. We've worked it out.

That's going to be a big reveal, Alice. Like, sound a little bit more exciting. Is it? We worked it out like four chapters ago. That was supposed to be the big reveal. Belinda Blink. Yay! Drink! We haven't had a drink for years. Feels

that way, doesn't it? Doesn't it? The penny dropped. Oh my god. No, it didn't just drop now. Belinda. Chris! Why, yes! Isn't she in reception? What, now? Who knows? Sir James laughed.

Well, Belinda, at least you didn't work that one out. Christina works partly in reception, but her main job is information flow. Information flow? Ew. That is not a job. That's a gross title if it is a job. Sounds like an illness.

Oh, I've got information flow. Do you think she was extracting info from Belinda? But they didn't really talk that much, did they? That's a gross title if it is a job. Sounds like an illness. Oh, I've got inflammation flow. Do you think she was extracting info from Belinda? But they didn't really talk that much, did they? To you and me, that means spying. I knew it. I knew it. She's a spy.

What? She's an internal spy. KGB. She works for Kalansky and the Countess. So she's spying within her husband's company? Hang on. She's basically his eyes and ears throughout the operation. And she's also my niece. My niece?

This is such a complicated web. This is so unnecessary as well. Belinda would be like, well, I definitely didn't put my tits on her ass. So if she said that, she's a liar. She's also my niece. Shit. Belinda blinked for the second time in two minutes.

I know. Drink. Ah, Bella. Refreshed from the lose, I see. Inappropriate. Relieved from the lose, I see. Inappropriate. Relieved from the lose, I see. Who comments on that when someone returns from the bathroom? Definitely not your boss.

Gross. Refreshed from the lose, I see. Boomed, Sir James. Does everyone in the pantry need to know that Bella used the bathroom? Do you think he's one of those really annoying loud people in a bar? You're like, just keep it down, Jesus. The bar is rammed, though, to be fair. He probably has to shout to be heard.

Probably. But then sometimes posh people are really booming, aren't they? Yeah. And they don't know. Kind of aware of that. No sense of awareness, yeah. Exactly, like, would you believe it? You're like, oh, no, yes, I would, shush.

Bella sat down, her wetted breasts rubbing sexily against her blouse. I beg to differ. There's not been a less sexy sentence ever written. Her wetted breasts. Is wetted a word? No. Wetted? Wetted?

Genuinely, is that a word? Her wetted breasts rubbing sexily against her blouse. Her supine nipples had not yet been stimulated enough to show, but it was obvious that Sir James's eyes were on high alert. High alert. I'm on high alert, girls, so don't worry. If I see a tit about here, I'll let you know. His eyes are on DEFCON 4.

Belinda got up and excused herself. Sir James changed seats to sit next to Bella. So he's got a real thing for Bella, hasn't he? He likes her. Babies. He poured Bella another glass of wine, patted her leg and said, Good work last weekend. My pal Clarence

is totally enthralled with you. He wants to set up another meet. What, for more painting? It wasn't really a meet, was it? It was a meet, cute. He's got some more paints and he'd love to try them out on you. Bella smiled and said, Is his wife invited this time?

I doubt it after that spat. Good God, I thought she was going to flee him alive with that riding crop. Always a risk. Oh, God. He raised his hand, lifted Bella's skirt, and started to massage her upper thigh. James. I'm not saying that to myself.

I'm saying that to Sir James. Well, address him that way. Sorry, Sir James. Bella opened her legs slightly to allow him more access. He didn't need a second invitation and strummed her thong with enthusiasm. Strumming my thong with his fingers. Clicking my clip with his tongue.

I'll do the Fugees version one time, two times. You've always been the Wyclef Jean to my Lauryn Hill. Jamie, you're the other one. Thanks. What's the third Fugee? Praz. Praz! Fuck off, both of you. But also, kudos for knowing who the third Fuji was. Thank you.

Five seconds later, his fingers pulled the skimpy material aside and were massaging her vagina. Does that mean you have to have everything that's there in your hand to massage it? I do beg your pardon? What's your question? Do you have to have like everything that's there in your hand to massage your vagina? Do you mean everything? Everything that's there. Do you mean everything that's there? Okay tell me what you think. Well tell me what you think. Well, tell me what you think first.

You're not getting me that way, Swinna. If you're massaging the vagina, you need, like, your whole hand to just rub the area. No, what do you mean, your whole hand? But why are you doing that motion like that, like you're squeezing out some kind of dishcloth? He's wringing out a jaycloth. I think I need to Google some vaginas. I think you really shouldn't. I just think to stay away from everyone. Bella shook her head and tits

and said clitoris became wet. In time. Her head's saying yes, her tits are saying no. Why is she shaking her head? Yeah. Oh, in like a satisfied kind of way. Into it, yeah.

Maybe it's the heavy vibe music in the pantry. So in a kind of like, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm. the heavy vibe music in the pantry so in a kind of like you just keep grabbing my vagina with your whole hand still trying to figure it out so james increased the pressure and his fingers slid through to her nub to her what nub oh god rocky is still trying to work it out as well. Slipped through to the nub. Through to her nub. Hang on. Even I know.

You don't have to go inside to find the nub. Oh, for God's sake. It could be good homework for you, James, just to watch a bit of straight porn. Just so you can see what a woman's body looks like. I'll go home, I'll watch a naughty film, and then I'll get some blessed sleep, because God knows I need it.

Because, of course, a porn film is where you'll see an exact sleep because God knows I need it. Because of course a porn film is where you'll see like an exact replica of every woman's body as we know. Next week I'm coming back well equipped. I'm going to know

a vagina better than Alice. Alright. I love that I'm the expert by the way. You do have one to be fair. You see it every day. Well, wait a minute.

I've seen that full-length mirror in your house. Yeah, that's true. Do you think the girls look at it every day? Of course they do. They love it.

Surely. I look at my penis every day. Do you look at it every day? Well, like, you can't miss it if you're in the shower. Right,

show off. Okay, I can't believe I've just admitted the look. Every man looks at his penis. Can someone tweet in and just say the look at the penis? Thank you. You want someone to tweet you and say they look at their penis? This has gone down a very, very dark road.

Oh, God. James essentially just asked for dick pics. Oh, my God. No, I really didn't. Please do not send me dick pics. Are we done? Bella drank her Chardonnay and saw Belinda return braless from the ladies.

Talk about the relief of mafficking, thought Bella. Is she drunk? What? Spell that, please. Capital M. Already great. A-F-E. OK, this is a reference. K-I-N-G.

Googling it. Jesus. Dad is just full of the weird stuff. Mafking, Mifking. You know, my favourite books are the ones where you have to Google every two minutes what the fuck is going on. You should read this with a dictionary by your side, obviously. So Mafking was the most famous British action in the Second Boer War. It took place in a town in South Africa.

Famous British action in the Second Boer War. It took place in a town in South Africa. And the relief of Mafeking is the end of the siege, basically. Yeah, did you guys not know that? I'm embarrassed. So what's the sentence again? So Belinda's returned braless from the ladies. And Bela thought, talk about the relief of Mafeking. Yeah, that makes sense.

As if Bella would know that reference. Sir James studied Belinda as she stood next to the table with her wet tits pushing through her now terribly translucent blouse. God, she's beautiful, he thought. He dribbled. Sounded like it was his last breath. Sit down next to me, Belinda. There's room for us all on this seat.

Nudge up, Bella. Nudge up. Sir James kept the massage going on Bella's clitoris. Oh, well done. While he nudged up. As they nudged up. Oh, brilliant. It was getting wetter and wetter.

Bella kept drinking and drinking. Belinda joined her and filled their glasses to the brims. What, wine to the brim of a glass? Who fills wine to the brim? That is so not classy. I actually do while we do this podcast. Yeah, but it's a pint glass, it's different. Belinda sat down next to Sir James as instructed.

She undid the buttons to her blouse, except for the last one. That one was for Sir James's pleasure. If I was the manager of the pentra, I'd be like, it's them again, get them out. It's a bloody sense, Dan. They're going to get their tits out. Also, if you're in the pentra thinking, we'll get a quick drink before we catch our evening flight,

you'd be like, what is this brothel can you imagine if you're just like popping over to majorca for a week that's the last image people have of england before they leave i mean to be fair quite accurate she stuck her wet breasts into his face and he responded by licking the centre of her left tit where the nipple would soon harden. The centre of her left tit?

Yeah, so her nipple. Nipple. Known as the nipple. It did, pushing its way through the silk material, wanting release. He did connect with it

and soon... On what, an emotional level? Intellectual level? You're having a real heart-to-heart. He connected with it. And soon, Belinda was feeling the erotic sensations shooting up to her brain from her nipple nerve endings.

The nipple's talking to Sir James. The nipple's talking to Belinda. Thank God everybody's talking to everyone. All the messages are going everywhere. Careless talk costs lives. Tittle tattle lost the battle. Speaking of the siege of Mavikin. I love that we're getting a bit of a biology lesson here,

but he seems to know more about nerve endings and brain receptors than he does about vaginas. Says you. To be fair. I don't pretend to be an expert, and Rocky does. Sir James calmly undid the last button with his free hand, and Belinda's ample breasts were his and his alone. Right, you're barred. Get out.

Get out of my pub. Thank God, because that's the end of the chapter. Oh, my God. I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a

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I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm a that's funny where all of his writing is between nipple and the brain nipple and the brain nipple and the brain so next week you must join us of course because it's porn a day all over again and can we have any guesses on what the next chapter

might be it's chapter 11 so we were saying maybe this is the trip to America well I I don't think we're leaving the pantry yet

I think it's going to be more Sir James Godwin yeah Sir James gets arrested or something quite rightly it's being to be... More Sir James Godwin. Yeah, Sir James gets arrested or something. Quite rightly. It's going to be really inappropriate. I fear you're both wrong, although who knows until we start reading. But chapter 11 is called Forsters of Knightsbridge, Dressage Outfitters to Royalty.

She's going to get her... Her kit. Yeah, her riding gear. She's going shopping, isn't she? It's Saturday. She's going up town. She's going up west. So, until then, please do get in touch on Facebook.

My dad wrote a porno. You can get us on Instagram. My dad wrote a. And we're on Twitter. Dad wrote a porno. And we have an email address if you'd like to send us any emails about some of the stuff we've discussed today or if you need some support or advice. My dad wrote a porno at gmail.com and that's probably the best place for the dick pics i am forwarding them straight to you alice levine

and as we mentioned earlier we do have an actual physical book that you can get your dirty little mitts on because we've got author's notes in there our scribbles belinda's sex tree just to give you a recap on who she has actually fucked and I think that's going to come like the more complicated this gets isn't it it's going to come in very handy I know

so that's the My Dad Wrote a Porno book you can pre-order that on Amazon now you can indeed right now you two get out of here

before I give you a good whipping oh god James it's going quick yeah I don't need to tell him twice than twice. We'll be right back.