My Dad Wrote A Porno - S2E11 - 'Forsters of Knightsbridge, Dressage Outfitters To Royalty'

Episode Date: September 12, 2016

Belinda and Bella go shopping and splash out on new horse riding outfits. But first, they need to get measured... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno God knows what he did with my thong. Probably ate it the way he was aroused. Why would he eat it? way he was aroused. No. Why would he eat it? He was so aroused. Probably flossed with it,

knowing how much food was stuck in his teeth. Bella smiled and said, is his wife invited this time? I doubted after that spat. Good God. I thought she was going to flee him alive with that riding crop. He didn't need a second

invitation and strummed her thong with enthusiasm. Strumming my thong with his fingers. Clicking my clip with his tongue. I'll my clip with his tongue. I'll do the Fugees version one time, two times.

Hello everybody and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. It is chapter 11. I'm Jamie. I've got Alice and James with me in Alice's back room.

Is this a back room? It's kind of like a box room, isn't it? It's a cave, isn't it? It's a little bat cave. It's quite echoey but that's just because of my enviable high ceilings it's a period property she always shows off it's terrible when you live in victorian do you know what i mean i prefer georgian it's not what you live in so not how are we both you prefer between the wars the interwar those difficult interwar years it was a difficult time wasn't it we were

still rationing ellis um i'm good although i ate a banana on the way here and it's made me realize i can't really eat bananas anymore belinda's ruined bananas for me among other things interesting that she's ruined bananas but not penis for you that's uh that's really interesting i had two and they were quite long and straight. And you know, when you're at that moment, you go in for a banana, it feels like, you know what I was thinking of. So I started to tear the top off the banana

and eat it section by section. So it doesn't, I mean, I didn't know where to look when I was eating the banana before, but now I'm just like. Well, don't deep throat it and look into the eyes of someone on the bus. Just eat it like a normal person. But people have talked about how,

you know, there's a Belinda diet now because we've ruined mayonnaise for people cappuccinos are off but maybe it's no you know cappuccinos mayonnaise all that sort of thing they are quite high calorie she's got the life balance though hasn't she because she's you know taken out all of those calorific items but she's also exercising a lot yeah you know it's 70 diet 30 exercise what they say so she's she's got it right she's winning at life and we knew that already maybe that's a spin-off like maybe we should do a belinda workout dvd or something they sell loads people make a fortune out of workout dvds belinda's bum tums and vag or something oh i don't know what the exercises are for that

do you want that muscular do you want a very strong vagina open jars with it wait till you see what i can lift with this her pelvic floor is second to none nice of you to uh dress for the occasion tonight alice you've been so rude to me you two since you walked through the door sorry i'm not wearing a bloody ball gown what do you want me in even for you and your questionable fashion sense this is an interesting look is it the culottes it's the weathered culottes it's the fact that they're all mopey they are slightly frayed just be nice if you were wearing a bra i mean i can literally see everything okay so i am wearing a bra now but it's every woman's right not to wear a bra which i was very much exercising when you came around j Jane, she lives in a commune.

I think before we arrived, she was totally nude. That's not true. She has got the look of someone who's just rushed into their room and put on anything she can find. This was curated as a look. Doubtful. So this week, are we excited about what Belinda's going to get up to? Remind me what the chapter's called? It's called Forsters of Knightsbridge,age outfitters to royalty not a title of a chapter that's longer

than some chapters it really is i think it's longer than all of book one so is this a real place forsters of knightsbridge i would imagine not do you want to look it up let's look it up just in case because we've been caught out this way before. We have. We are the least knowledgeable podcast out there. Dan Shriver will be so ashamed of us. We need to fact check everything. I mean, weeks back, I pronounced Tijuana wrong. Yeah. The amount of abuse I got.

I couldn't believe it. It's all right, James. Ignore the haters. Haters gonna hate. That's true. Thanks, Jamie. So there's a Forster Memorial Park, Forster Communications and Forster Legal Services. Any of those?

All in Knightsbridge. None of them in Knightsbridge. So I think we're safe. This is entirely fictional. Thank God. Okay. So, Belinda Blink 2, Chapter 11, Forsters of Knightsbridge, Dressage Outfitters to royalty. Belinda and Bella had a lazy breakfast, a fresh fruit and special J.

Spelled J-A-Y. What the hell is Special J? Special J? I mean, for God's sake, Dad. Does that mean Bella and Belinda have spent the night together? Oh, possibly. And we've heard nothing about it. No, she was going to go round, wasn't she, to watch a big movie. Do you remember?

Yeah, but I presumed they were going to have a bit of lesbian fun. Well, James, the book doesn't have to tell you everything about their lives. That would seem like a key scene. Yeah, it is a book about sex. To omit the sex does seem a bit of an oversight. And just include the knock-off cereal brand. Yeah, but it was a book about sex written by Rocky Flintstone, so I think all bets are off.

Special J, though. I initially thought it meant, like, OJ, like orange juice. But for some reason, again, he's concerned about naming a brand? Yeah, he's fine with city jet being named but special k is obviously a bridge too far okay sure is special j a brand we could have already yeah well i wouldn't worry about it i think our twitter feed's about to correct us so guys start telling us off it reminds me you know when supermarkets try to do their own brands of things and they call like rice crispy crispy rice or something like crisped rice it's crisped rice i think dad used to buy crisped rice and flakes of corn it's kind

of like belinda blink too it's essentially belinda blink one but with a different number yeah this is so the puffed rice of the book world belinda and bella had a lazy breakfast a fresh fruit and special jay the newly made smell of ground coffee lingered throughout the apartment, subtly announcing the arrival of the weekend. I hate a newly made smell. Newly made smell? That sounds like someone's farted. Who's done a newly made smell?

Come on, own up. That is a fresh one. Honestly, sometimes when I read, I don't even hear it Until you guys mention it The newly made smell of fresh coffee The newly made smell of ground coffee Lingered throughout the apartment Subtly announcing the arrival of the weekend Okay Belinda

What have you got planned for us to do today? Asked Bella Stretching her hands above her head and yawning. Surprise, surprise, we're going shopping. And not just for thongs and bras. I want to get my horse riding outfit. Where do you think she gets clothes from? I feel like she's a Primark girl.

I think she's Matalan. She's got that loyalty card. Do you think? I think so. I see her as, is it called TM Lewin? You know, that's like very office-y wear. Yeah. So are they going to something that the Duchess has organised?

I don't know. Why are they getting horse riding wear? Well, I think Belinda likes to think that she's now part of that set because she knows the Duchess. Because she stole her outfit. That means she's part of the club. But had to give it back. So maybe she wants her own one.

Yeah, I think she tried it on and she liked what she saw yeah if you remember she caught herself in the mirror and she was like i look a million dollars where she probably looked about five pounds but but she doesn't actually have a specific event that we know about to go to not that we know about but that doesn't mean she doesn't got one oh no sure sure motivation has never really been rocky's concern people just do some things on a whim sure she might be wearing it to the o2 oh i forgot about that i hope that comes up for her big presentation yeah that sounds a bit specialized i doubt asda would stock that sort of stuff there you go georgia asda that's what she likes that's where she gets her clothes you're gonna have to go further afield than georgia tasda i doubt asda would stock that sort of stuff. Isn't it a bit posh

for you anyway? Probably, Bella, probably. But the Dutch has got me into it. And to be honest, I look a million dollars all kitted out. There you go. We're literally writing this book now. Thinking about it, you would too. Even you, you little tramp. Do you think? Is it expensive? Even you, you little tramp. Do you think? Is it expensive? Yes. Haven't a clue.

But then, what isn't these days? Also, Bella can afford a big screen TV. I think she can afford a pair of riding boots. They've come down in price a lot, James, those plasmas. So where's the shop? Do they have a shop or is it just in a barn or something? A barn? What?

I've been to very few shops in a barn. This is like a National Trust gift shop. Love it. Do they have a shop? Or is it just in a barn or something? You know, next to where

they keep the horses. Is this banter? Is this more lols? I feel like Bella's actually like being a bit crabby about it. Yeah. Jealous.

Do you think? I reckon. I'd be like, Bella, make your own plans. We're actually going to Knightsbridge, a place called Forster's. And from what the Duchess tells me, the male sales assistants are top notch. Uh-oh.

Something's going to happen in a changing room, isn't it? Yeah. Can't the woman just go shopping? Now you're talking, Belinda. As Bella started to clear away the breakfast things. Thrilling. 20 minutes later, saw Belinda stop in front of what looked like ye olde curiosity shop. This is it.

A bell jangled and the two girls walked into the subdued interior. What is it, Diagon Alley? What's going on? It's very Harry Potter-esque, isn't it? I think it's Nocturne, Ali. Oh. Good morning, ladies, said an approximately 81-year-old gentleman. It's not approximate in any way. Also, what about, like, workers' rights? Let that man retire. Alice, he is top-notch.

Okay. Oh, God, Belinda must be like, oh. Yeah, did top-notch mean, like... Actually good at their job? Oh, right, yeahinda must be like, oh. Did top-notch mean like... Actually good at their job. Oh, right, yeah, not fitties. Good morning, ladies. Oh, I was not ready for that. Well, he's an old man, isn't he?

No, I like it. Let's just mix this up. Good morning, ladies, said an approximately 81-year-old gentleman dressed in a morning suit from behind. Sorry. Has he got two outfits on? One for day, one for night. No, he didn't let me finish.

Dressed in a morning suit from behind a highly polished wooden couch. Oh, okay. There goes the young male attendant story up in smoke. If I may make so bold, Belinda. They make so bold. That doesn't make sense. So, yeah, Bella's gutted bold. That doesn't make sense. So yeah, Bella's gutted that there's no fit men there.

Well, that was the only promise really, wasn't it? Otherwise, you're just helping somebody find some boots and some bloody helmet for trotting around in or chugging around in as the case may be. Good morning, sir. You've been recommended to me by the Duchess of Epsom. Of Epsom. Took us two books, but we got there. To finally get some sort of name.

So yeah, where's Epsom? Epsom has horse racing, doesn't it? The races, yeah. So the Epsom Derby, of course, very famous, very well known. Oh yes. I can't actually find a Duchess of Epsom, so Rocky's quite cleverly created that title. So this chapter's entirely fictional. They're in a shop that doesn't exist,

talking about a woman that doesn't exist. Which is fine, that's technically how you write a novel, so well done. But normally... James has got huge issues with Dickens. No, but with Rocky, there's normally a grain of truth in the fiction, you know. He does tend to draw on real life stuff.

He uses his own experience a lot, doesn't he? Well, he does until they start having sex, yeah. No, I'd say all the way through. Yeah. Good morning, sir. You've been recommended to me by the Duchess of Epsom. Have we now? He's getting older by the minute.

The old retainer smiled. Retainer? I think he means retailer. Check your words, Rocky. If it's got a wiggly line under it, it probably means it's wrong. I don't think he can pay attention to that. He switched off spelling and grammar check a long time ago. Also, hashtag typewriter, guys. Oh, Rocky. If it's got a wiggly line under it, it probably means it's wrong. I don't think he can pay attention to that. He switched off spelling and

grammar check a long time ago. Also, hashtag typewriter, guys. Oh, yeah. You think that he's got word? Please. He's got typewriter and tip-ex. Actually, he hasn't even got tip-ex, has he? That should be a gift we give him. That would save us a lot of sorrow. That and a bin.

Shredder! Well, I always thought he'd wrote with a quill like a massive feather dipped in ink. Book one was written in blood. And book two in semen. Oh God! Have we now? The old retainer smiled.

Then in that case, you'd better follow me. He led them through a doorway into what was a display room of leather riding gear and stopped at a lift so i wonder if it is like in harry potter where the one chooses you does the whip choose you you know the crop will just fall into her hand smack her on the ass Oh, it's mine. I think they've got a salting dildo as well. Oh, God. That is so grim.

Can you imagine it? Shouting Slytherin after it's had a go. It does Slytherin. And you will Hufflepuff. He led them through a doorway into what was a display room of leather riding gear and stopped at a lift. I like that they've got a lift. At least they've modernised a little bit. Yeah, I imagine those kind of floor-to-ceiling wooden cabinets, you know, like in an old haberdasher's. Loads of drawers and cupboards.

I mean, a lift is like a red rag to a ball for Belinda. She's like, get me in that lift and get my tits out. He slowly jabbed at the button and ushered them inside. Can you slowly jab? Slow-mo. It wasn't a big lift and Belinda's and Bella's breasts jostled with each other

as they tried to avoid contact Come on, it's big enough to fit their breasts in it. Send one down first and then to the... Belinda's and Bella's breasts jostled with each other as they tried to avoid contact with the elderly gentleman's nostrils. Nostrils! How short is he?

Is he a little man? A little wisp of a man. They slowly went up three floors to what was labelled Ladies' Riding Area. Sounds about right. Is there like a show jumping range there or something? They've got a full set up for you to try out your boots. Riding Area?

Oh no, but Riding Area. Oh God. What was that old man? She'll kill him. She'll bloody kill him. Belinda thought it was quite apt that the Ladies Riding Area was the floor above the Men's riding area. Great observation.

Nice to know we're on top. Oh, for God's sake. She commented to Bella. The floor plan of a shop gets her going. Nothing escapes Belinda. She is freaking horned up. Like, she's a sex addict. There's a problem here.

Sometimes things should just stay as an internal monologue. Like, don't bother voicing it. Like, it's not an interesting observation, so just leave it. Don't begrudge her her dialogue. I mean, she gets so little of it. Oh, you're so right. But she wastes it. God, she wastes it.

The lift stopped and Cedric ushered them through. Cedric. Bless him. Cedric. Ceddy. The lift stopped and Cedric ushered them through to a central area Stocked with everything a lady could want for her riding experience He pressed a bell

Bowed to Bella and Belinda And said The younger gentleman will be here in a minute or so Oh my god I bet Bella's rubbing her hands together She's like younger Actually younger could be just 80 Cedric's like, the whippersnappers are coming in.

Year below. Year below me at school. He wheezed. I bet he did. Coughed. And went back down in the lift to resume his gatekeeping duties. Gatekeeping.

Why didn't he just send them up? Like, there wasn't enough room for the three of them as it was. That's customer service though, isn't it? And he wanted to smell their breasts. Those nostrils. Smell those pomegranates. Wow, thought Belinda. They've got everything.

She was brought back to reality by a gentle cough from behind her emanating from a handsome gent dressed in riding clothes and her favourite extremely shiny black leather boots. Why is everyone wheezing and coughing?

It's the plague. What was this dusty old shop she's gone into? It's like the olden days, this shop. All I can think is that Belinda's like, do you know what this place needs? Pots and pans. She's probably thinking how she can get some pans stocked in there. Yeah, how will she get a big order from Cedric? She won't.

You know she's thinking about it. Okay, who wants to guess the name of this handsome chap? I do, I do. Okay, so it's a posh shop. So I think we should take that into account. Derek? That's as posh as you go. Derek is not posh.

It's not quite Cornelius, is it? Tarquin, what do you think? I think Rupert. Oscar? You're all wrong. Oh.? I think Rupert. Oscar? You're all wrong. Oh. As ever, have you ever been right? Good morning, madam.

My name is Adam. Adam. With two A's. There are two A's in Adam. With three A's. Where's the other one? A-D-A-M. Adam.

Oh, like Amsterdam. Amsterdam, so maybe it's Adam. Adam. Oh, like Amsterdam. Amsterdam. So maybe it's a-damn. It's not quite posh. Good morning, madam. My name is a-damn. And I'm here to serve you. I gather our good acquaintance, the Duchess, has verified you. Oh, blue tech.

Yes, a-damn, replied Belinda. Stop it. It's not a-damn. Should we just say Adam for the sake of ease shall we let's yes adam replied belinda will you be able to service both my friend and myself so to speak not so to speak she means service or do we need another staff member what's wrong with adam like he can help her and also can they just stop just another case of can I serve you are you gonna serve me can I serve you I'll serve you you're ready to be served I'm ready to

be served let's serve let's do the serving like serve someone to serve someone can I just buy this please why yes madam I'm trained in multitasking I mean it would be my pleasure to assist you both at the same time. Oh, all right, Adam. That's the kind of thing you put on your CV, you know, and it says skills. It's like teamwork, multitasking. It doesn't really mean anything. Belinda smiled.

She hadn't had a proper threesome for some time. Yes, she has. Oh my God, that shop window was days ago. Yesterday, wasn't it? Was it yesterday? Well, this is Saturday and it happened in the early hours

of Friday morning oh my god she doesn't even know Alice's face is just the disdain she's got the memory of a goldfish

she's literally like oh my god that was so good oh hello I'm Belinda how are you it's like it's like freaking Dory a full 30 minutes had passed so good. Oh, hello, I'm Belinda. How are you? She's like freaking Dory.

A full 30 minutes had passed in the knowledgeable presence of Adam, and Belinda and Bella had now both fully briefed him as to what their needs were. It took them 30 minutes. I was in a shop. It took them 30 minutes to find what I needed. Think about how long 30 minutes is. That's a long time to go through

things. Like you say, just boots, blouse, jodhpurs. I'm a size 10. Thank you. Guys, I think you're really showing your lack of class here actually because I think there's a lot more to it than that. I'm just going to Topman and pick up a medium. I think it's a very different look they're going for than your rather casual attire.

Says she. Medium? I've lost weight recently, actually. It's wasting away. Bella was going simple but effective. Whereas Belinda was going aristocracy level. What is happening? Is there a point to this? Or are they just doing it for, like, fancy dress?

Yeah, I feel like an Oscar-winning costume designer is going to come in at any minute. So I measure them up. The basic difference, apart from quality, was the price. Ah, there you go. Well, they are in different pay grades. Lest we forget, Belinda's on £85,000 a year. She can afford the good stuff. She can.

And Bella's trying to live like Belinda, but she'll get herself in a lot of trouble if she racks up bills that are similar. She's so got loads of credit cards she hasn't paid off. Yes. She's one of those. Stick it's similar. She's so got loads of credit cards she hasn't paid off, has she? Yes. She's one of those. Stick it on credit. Yeah.

Bella was going to spend a grand. A grand? Oh, my God. That must be like... What do we reckon Bella's on a year? Receptionist. 20 grand, maybe, at best? Is that...

That's her 21st annual salary. She's spending £1,000 on a horse riding look. I presume, I mean, I'm making presumptions here, but I presume Bella's not horse riding every day. But also, talk about an impulse buy. She didn't even know where they were going shopping

half an hour ago. Yeah, that's true. You spend like a grand on something, what, because your friend's buying it? This is ludicrous. Bella was going to spend a grand. Belinda, five grand. What?

Essentially the difference in their pay grades. We can work out then what Bella earns because Belinda earns five times what Bella earns. Okay, so... 85 divided by five. She earns 17 grand. And she's dropping a grand on this. Are you absolutely joking?

Unless it means that Bella's on 80 grand and the 5 grand is the actual difference. I wouldn't put it past Rocky. In which case, why be the sales director? Exactly. Take on none of the responsibility and be the receptionist. Adam had by now opened the second bottle of champagne as the girls were thirsty. Maybe that's why they spent so much, because they're a bit pissed.

You know when you, like, come back from a night out and you go on eBay, you're like, hey, it's not spending money. Bella blamed the two bacon sandwiches she had had at the cafe whilst waiting for the tube. Two! Two bacon sandwiches! What's that, Special J? She's an absolute trotter. That keeps hunger locked up till lunch. I want to go to this station. I'd love a little

bacon sandwich while I was waiting for my train. Two, I think, is a bit excessive, though. I mean, each to their own, but it's quite a lot of bap, isn't it? Ladies, if I might so boldly ask, do you know your vital measurements? By that, I mean, apart from the obvious,

your inner leg length, head size, etc, etc. Is head size a vital statistic? You don't go waist 32, head 60. Belinda and Bella looked at each other. They knew brassiere sizes and thong sizes, but everything else had passed them by. Six, eight, ten, or on a bad day, twelves was all they understood. Bad day. Give yourself a break. Anyway, they sold pots and pans, not clothing. They both shook their heads glumly and mumbled their apologies.

They can tell you the diameter of a large frying pan, but do not ask them their waist size. Do you think that's how they do their heads? They're like, it's like our medium pan in the non-stick. It's the oxybrillo sauce pan. No,

please, ladies, don't be downhearted said Adam with a winning smile on his face. They're going to get a touching up aren't they when he measures them. I love this part of the job. I'll just get my measuring tape and we'll get started. Inappropriate. He left the partially enclosed area

and came back minutes later with a measuring tape and surprisingly to Belinda and Bella, a female assistant. I thought the reference to a partially enclosed area was a reference to Belinda's vagina. Her vagina is not partially enclosed. It's forever open to all of the weather elements. It's green belt.

So to come back with a woman. This is Samantha. She's just here to write down the measurements and fetch and carry the garments from our storage area. Really? It says really. It says really. What, he says really?

Yeah. Does Adam feel like people don't believe him? I think so. Hi, Samantha, said Belinda and Bella in unison. They looked at each other and giggled. Oh, God's sake. Had Samantha ever seen Adam naked, they wondered. Oh, my God.

Not every company has run like steals. They've been around for hundreds of years, not because they've been shagging around. Samantha curtsied to them and said, What's going on? Hello. Oh, hello. Hiya.

Hiya. You all right? She sat down and produced a notebook. Madam, you first, commanded Adam, pointing at Bella in an authoritarian voice. Bella put her champagne flute down, after draining it first of course, and stood up. I think she's a bit of an owl. Is she a bit bigger? What do you mean? Bella. She's had two breakfasts.

She's guzzling the wine. Legs apart, please. Bella moved her legs apart. This has stopped being sexy really quickly. Yeah. He is just instructing them. I thought he was going to sensually run his hand up their leg or like put the measuring tape across their breasts or like somehow titillate them but

he's literally like legs apart let's get this done yeah if this just turns into a fitting i'll be furious i'm gonna storm out of here if that's all it is you're gonna see such a hissy fit bella moved her legs apart enough so that she could feel her vagina awakening to the new stance. Oh my God. Awakening to the new stance. You know like when a cat stretches? Or when you open your eyes in the morning. Just imagine like an eye there.

An eye? Don't imagine an eye there. She could feel her vagina awakening to the new stance. And Adam competently completed the necessary measurements wow stop it competent you say he went from the tip of her big toe what's he measuring for to the top of her head what is that for a body stocking. Like a burka. A full human condom. There must have been at least over a hundred different figures. What? What, that he measured?

Oh, I see. So what he means is, started at the tip of the toe and did loads of different measurements in between. Oh, right. Didn't actually measure her from toe to top of the head. But also, must have been at least over a hundred. Well, let's, yeah, I mean, this whole chapter needs to go, so. Yeah, let's not dwell

on those details. Good, he said. Now, madam, it's your turn. Belinda stood up and voluntarily took a similar posture to that of Bella's. Adam gulped and took Belinda's inside leg measurement.

Why did he gulp? Probably doesn't want to go too near, like, her midriff for fear of what'll happen. It's probably that clit chatting away. It'll have you. Careful. I've just been to Amsterdam. How are you? I feel like with one of those retractable measuring tapes, it might just disappear up there, like...

Yeah. I'm sorry, madam, he said. I can't measure you. You're so buxom. There's no measuring tape that'll measure these orbs. I'm sorry, madam, he said. Your leather trousers are not helping give me a true figure.

She's wearing leather trousers. Of all the trousers, leather trousers would help you get a true figure. They're the most figure-hugging you can have. Famously skin-tight. Would you mind removing them? Sorry to ask and all that. And all that.

Maybe let her go to a changing room to do that, or do it not in front of everybody. Oh, Belinda doesn't care. Belinda's like, I thought you'd never ask. Yeah, I'm surprised she's got him on still. Oh, my God. James. What?

I thought you'd never ask, said Belinda. You're the true son of Rocky. I've said it before, I'll say it again. Am I Belinda? You wish. Oh, God. I thought you'd never ask, said Belinda. I certainly wouldn't sell you a set of expensive pots and pans

without seeing your granite worktop. What? What? Good God, what? Hang on, this is what I was talking about before. This is their version of sexy talk. Yeah. I certainly wouldn't sell you a set of expensive pots and pans

without seeing your granite worktop. You would set of expensive pots and pans without seeing your granite worktop. You would sell someone some pots and pans without seeing their worktop because the worktop has nothing to do with it. Is she referring to like part of his anatomy

as the worktop? Adam smiled and wondered what the hell she was going on about. Oh, good. I've got a lot more respect for Adam

all of a sudden. He hadn't asked her to strip just yet. Meanwhile, Bella laughed and said, Typical Belinda, always referring things to work. Shut up, Bella. She's just getting pissed in the corner.

She doesn't give a crap. She's just heckling. Adam nodded, still puzzled and pressed on. Adam should be at one of these records by the sounds of it. He's the only voice of reason in the entire book belinda had now kindly removed her dark black trousers and thong what just the trousers just the trousers cedric could be back any minute and if he saw that it would kill him he's gonna have a heart attack dead you can't do that to a man Of his age He'd be very upset I think

If that happened She's like a granddaughter to him Honestly their bond is so strong Adam Studied her vagina With professional interest What profession has an interest Gynaecology

He gently traced the small track Of dark pubic hair down to the top of her labia with his forefinger measure the slit don't say the slit James

slit well I feel like I can say it because Rocky said it before that is not a thing what you should never say it

if Rocky said it there he stopped oh did he and placed the measuring tape oh god were you just sticking your mouth? I think I just was a little bit

its metal end was cold and Belinda flinched apologies madam I'll warm the fucking thing up Adam's changed hasn't he? pardon the coarse language of course is he having an episode have you got

Tourette's I feel like he's got split personality disorder what's going on Belinda smiled no don't mind me please carry on two minutes later and with not a small amount of pleasure imparted to Belinda Adam had moved on to her legs and feet. I'm sorry, madam. I'm having a bad morning. Aren't we all? We're having a bad year. Having a bad life. You really are, my darling. Well done, you.

Thanks. I'm sorry, madam. I'm having a bad morning. Would you... Could you remove your stockings and your heels again? So she's wearing stockings and leather trousers. Is that normal? She will be so hot. Yeah.

But do you know what? They'd help grease the leather trousers up. Slide them on. Yeah. Not grease as such, but like... Do you know what I mean? A silky kind of... Yeah.

But is that normal? That's a lot of layers. Generally, no. You wouldn't wear tights under leather trousers, no. But she just loves taking things off. So the more things she wears, the more she can take off. She's probably got another pair of leather trousers under the leather trousers. Oh, God.

Could you remove your stockings and your heels again? Please. The measurements will be so much more accurate. And to be honest, the quality of merchandise you're investing in demands the highest of tolerances. They're like so thin. What is the margin for error going to be? On some tights. Yeah, a millimeter.

Not even. They're like the finest of the fine. Yeah, they're practically transparent. Yeah, they are. That's, transparent. Yeah, they are. That's the point. Yeah, and he's transparent. We all know what he wants. Now, this was the sort of talk Belinda understood.

She had always believed that the more you paid, the better the service you would receive, and that would reflect in the quality of the goods. Steals, pots and pans was also that sort of operation, and as their international sales director, Belinda would make sure it stayed that way. Unnecessary interlude. Her thoughts came back to the present. Oh, thank God.

Thanks. Madam, did you hear me? Said Adam. Get your kit off, Belinda, said an enthusiastic Bella, now fully reclined on a white leather settee. She is so big. She is out flute of champagne in her hand. She is out of her tree. What time is it?

It must be like half nine. Get your kit off, sweetheart. To be fair, though, if it was free alcohol, you would all be pissed. Oh, I'm not saying I wouldn't. I kind of want to be friends with Bella. Oh, for God's sake. Why? Because she'll give you a bacon sandwich.

Well, that. And also, sounds like she's fun after a drink. No, she doesn't. She's impulsive. She's just spent a thousand pounds on riding it. That's true. She would like to go on really funny adventures. I suppose she just seems like a good laugh, Bella. Yeah, but she's slurring her words like,

said an enthusiastic Bella, now fully reclined in a white leather settee with another full flute of champagne in her hand. It doesn't seem like the kind of place that would have a white leather settee. Yeah, that's really tacky, isn't it? Yeah, I thought it was old school. Red.

Yeah, maybe like a Chesterfield leather settee. But it doesn't seem like it would be plush and modern. No. Sorry, Adam. I was daydreaming. Don't apologise, madam. I'm glad I'm relaxing you sufficiently To have a daydream

This is some bad bad 30 chat isn't it Wasn't she just thinking about pots and pans She was just thinking about What a great sales director she was Because of the quality of the goods Just for a change Thinking about herself Adam smiled

Belinda blinked What Don't tell me that's the end That's the end of the chapter Fuck off Adam smiled. Belinda blinked. What? Don't tell me that's the end. That's the end of the chapter. Fuck off. She got measured. He hasn't even finished measuring her.

So probably it'll take another chapter to finish measuring her. Funny you say that. The next chapter is called The Fitting Bit. Oh, fuck. My God, James just spat to her. It's called the what? The fitting? The fitting bit Oh for My god James just spat to it It's called the what? The fitting The fitting bit The fitting bit

The fit bit No just the fitting bit Well this is up there As one of the driest chapters ever That's the Sahara That was the pits wasn't it? They got up They had a lazy breakfast

I long for the lazy breakfast that sounds like a great plot point now seriously that that ground coffee seems seems so long ago i can't believe there's no shagging in the lift there was no shagging in the fitting room there was no shagging so guys you can't please you two because if there's sex you hate it and you're gonna throw up if there's no sex you mad that there was no sex oh sorry and you're having a whale of a time are you i'm just saying i have to defend dad in some way you love it because there was no sex yeah it's the best chapter for me honestly i'm available for other podcasts because i might just jump ship from this what's the point i'm just worried the next one is just going to be like details about the hundred measurements yeah

it should be called a hundred measurements then he measured her elbow and then he measured her knee well there's only one way to find out if it is a hundred measurements and that's by tuning in next week if you know you're still a fan and want to i think we've lost listeners this week i think i'd love to see the stats i really would um if you would like to get in touch with us we've had so many good emails of late there've just been loads of people um letting us know they're listening internationally uh letting you know because they know that you live an international listener. I do if you're a genuine international listener.

Listen back if you don't know the stipulations. So yeah, the email address is mydadwroteporno at gmail.com. It is indeed. You can get us on Twitter at dadwroteporno. Or you can get us on Instagram at mydadwrotea. And we're on Facebook too. And don't forget, you can buy Belinda Blink too and also pre-order our book

that book it's a coming it will drop in October which means you will have it in time for probably Halloween because it's quite scary as you know

Rocky's work is terrifying but also for Christmas so buy it for all your pals as a lovely stocking filler yeah just find it on Amazon by searching My Dad Wrote a Porno

it's right there. And knowing what we know now, that book seems like a freaking masterpiece. True.