My Dad Wrote A Porno - S2E12 - 'The Fitting Bit'

Episode Date: September 19, 2016

Before trying on their new expensive horse riding outfits, Belinda and Bella are given a unique 'while-u-wait' service by sales assistant Adaam... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno Belinda and Bella had a lazy breakfast, a fresh fruit and special jay. I think they've got a salting dildo as well. Imagine it. Shouting Slytherin after it's had a go.

It does Slytherin. And you will Hufflepuff. in after it's had a go. It does slither in. And you will hop up off. Bella was going to spend a grand. A grand? Oh my god. This is ludicrous. Belinda, five grand. A what?

Greetings listeners, it's My Dad Wrote a Porno with Jamie, James and Alice. Oh, what? draw in we're gonna miss this are we are we just gonna feel like we're in a perpetual hole of porn oh that's how i feel daily please make it stop well you know the end is nigh and then you'll regret saying that that's true because what chapter are we on we're on chapter 12 chapter 12 never thought i'd see the day never thought i'd see the light at the end of the tunnel there is definite crackage there was a bit of what's wrong with you he's finally infiltrating my vocabulary what's weird is like i'm feeling a little run down and i was really looking forward to this as a little pick me up that's weird isn't it that's really strange do you mean just hanging out with us or reading dad's book both i can't be hanging out with us we've had a zero sympathy we're like do you have to keep coughing? Yeah, I might cough today, sorry. You've both been ill during this run, actually.

Stay away from me. I feel like I had sexy voice, but you sound bunged with yours. Hello, it's James on the podcast. Greetings. Is that supposed to be sexy? Yeah. Do you do that voice in the bedroom when you're being sexy? Hello, it's James.

It's James, take your pants off. Why are your pants back on? Why have you put put your trousers on why are you leaving the house sir call me yeah what's your name sorry um it's an exciting week it bloody well is it's our first ever live shows this week yeah we're taking the porn on the road what's a one location and for three nights it's a mini tour it's a residency absolutely people are actually paying to be in a room listening to dad porn it's an odd phenomenon isn't it that we've created and they're proud of it they're willing to tweet about it whereas usually this is the kind of thing that you would just pay for on your credit card not tell anybody about or in your hotel room or whatever cash you don't want any kind of trace

no paper go through like a beaded curtain or something like that are you excited james i'm really excited i'm very nervous does does actually have to be good no they've paid now all right that's true i'm not planning on turning up oh my god what are you gonna wear i've got a floor-length gown i would love to see people like dressed as characters on the night. Oh, that's good. Like full white suit, Panama hat. Exactly.

Some people dressed as the Duchess, Dr. Robbins. Wasn't he in full tweed? Yeah, but can we have no black thongs, please? Can I request that now? Well, maybe not just black thongs, but people could be wearing them underneath to get in the mood. Oh, for sure. Yeah, of course.

As long as you keep your outer garments above your inner garment inner garments i've forgotten about the inner garments helga of course if it's a cold night you could go for the woolen look well you will be going i will be anyway whatever the weather are you excited jamie i can't wait yeah i'm really excited to read your dad's porn in front of a room full of people it'll be different won't it because obviously i just read it in front of you too i've never read it in front of anybody else we We're a hostile audience, though. Other people love it. It's just me and James that find it absolutely disgusting. You've always got something to say, you two.

I'm just trying to read you a nice bedtime story. Such chatty Cathy's. So are we excited about this week? Because it's kind of part two of last week. Oh, of course. It's like a little kind of add-on. Exactly. We left Belinda in forces of Knightsbridge,

getting measured up. And this chapter is called The Fitting Bit. The Fitting Bit. Here's the cuff. The Fitting Bit. The Fitting Bit. Because the other bit was just called Forsters of Knightsbridge, wasn't it?

Yeah. No sex happened, did it? No, it was a sex-like chapter. She had to strip off a lot because the millimetres of fabric between the measuring tape and her leg were're throwing all the measurements off yeah obviously i mean if we were in the world of tailoring we would know that that is how that works exactly that and cuppage the two things we know about tailoring he didn't cup though did he i know that's generally on a boy but he didn't even go for a boob cup oh a boob cup i was gonna say you're gonna cup a vag yeah that's what you're

gonna do nice that vag cup is a different thing, actually, I think. Moon cup. Have you ever had a moon cup? Don't. Let's not go there. How have you heard of one? Yeah, you didn't even know the thing that it went in before. So we're talking about coils next.

A what? Oh, God. Okay. No, we're not as here as your resource, James. So before he starts talking about God knows what, should we get reading the book? Let's do it. Okay, so Belinda Bl 2 chapter 12 the fitting bit

20 minutes had passed bella had by now started her third bottle of champagne third bottle in 20 minutes it's supposed to be a little sweetener of the deal it's not a bar she can put it away can't she isn't it like 11 o'clock in the morning yeah even earlier maybe it's like 20 past nine go bella go bella no james is like gold yeah because three bottles of champagne i'd be way gone let's be honest it's probably prosecco it's probably Prosecco. It's not champagne. And value Prosecco at that. Probably English sparkling wine.

Fizzy wine. Asti. Asti! Bella had by now started her third bottle of champagne and was enjoying every moment of Belinda being systematically stripped by Adam. I forgot about Adam. I just forgot what he was called. Adam with the three A's. Adam with the three A's.

Adam with the three A's. Is that like Becky with the good hair? He's got a triple A rating. He had left no stone, as they say, unturned. They do. What is Belinda's stone? That's what I want to know. Has she got bollocks?

Because that's what you call testicles. James. That's not what the phrase is about. Stones. Is this like Ents from series one? Ents. Do you call them your stones? No, I don't.

Do you say, I've not left a stone unturned? No. I'm sure the guys are like, you got the stones for this, bruv? No? What are you looking for? Don't look around you. No. Mate, I've honestly never heard that before.

Oh, God. Have you got the stones for this? I think I've had a bit too much fixed vapour on. I think you've lost your sweet mind, sweetheart. Stones. You take five minutes out, all right? Okay. So he had left no stone, as James says, unturned.

What do you think skimming a stone means? Tickling a ball. Even the clasp retaining her long black hair had been removed. He had explained this was essential in order to get the exact riding hat measurements. Is he measuring each follicle of hair? Jesus Christ, this is precise. It's like prison. They've taken everything off her that's got a sharp edge to it. It's like prison. They've taken everything off her that's got a sharp edge to it. Samantha had been sent to the stock rooms for the required garments and would return, he said, in about 30 minutes. Where's the stock room? Isle of Man.

I'll be back soon. We've got a map. 30 minutes to go to the stock... It's ludicrous. Never shopping there again. She would be extremely busy, he added yeah she better be she's gone that long the diversity of belinda's and bella's clothing requirements would challenge forster's reputation adam had added albeit guardedly i was saying a bit on the sly like what they've selected is a bit at the more risque end oh and it could like damage their reputation exactly but he's

saying it in a way that's like a bit subtle. So they chose the kind of sexier stuff, the stuff... The assless chaps, yeah. Nothing practical for actually riding a horse. Stuff for riding another man or another woman. I'll take a saddle and a whip. What would you like to wear? Got everything, thanks.

The brassiere and special riding thong requirements were to say the least unusual you don't wear a thong to ride do you you wear big pants to ride you would think because the rubbing would be awful a bit rotten wouldn't it belinda asked why this was so adam answered it's down to demand really as you know through the Duchess, we get a lot of young aristocratic ladies through these doors. So the Duchess... It's a racket, James. She's working on commission. She's funneling everyone she fucks into this shop.

But they can't survive on just referrals from the Duchess. Duchess alone. Well, Alice, charging five grand for an outfit, they probably can. But they've been there for 150 years, haven't they? So has the Duchess alone. Well, Alice, charging five grand for an outfit, they probably can. But they've been there for 150 years, haven't they? So's the Duchess. Quite simply, they're poorly built. By that I mean little food, too much alcohol,

spoiled to death and with little backbone. Little backbone. Literally little backbone. Small spine. Very tiny backs. What's Dad saying here? So the proportions are just, they're just super skinny. Is that what they're saying?

Yeah. No meat on the bones. They do that wine diet. Bella's doing the wine diet. She's just, it's day one and she's gone head first. Why is he assuming that she knows that? She doesn't know that much about the Duchess. He's giving quite a lot away.

I thought these places were usually quite good at being discreet. Yeah, because now Belinda knows that the Duchess is just grooming loads of thin women. Thin? Some birdy women. Yeah, with little backbones. Little tiny backbones, like eating a quail. Also, I thought the Duchess was married and like literally, what, a week ago was like, I adore you, Belinda.

Sounds like she's got a different one every weekend. And she kind of seemed, not surprised exactly, but there were certain things that Belinda did to her that seemed like the first time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Although she did have the dildo, didn't she? She didn't just buy that

for the tombola, did she? That's true. Yeah, she... We should have known then that she's a pro. Well, she goes around with a horse box, doesn't she? Scooping people up.

I'd forgotten about that. She made that into her own little sex den. Actually, why am I thinking that this is all new to her? What day is it? It's the weekend, isn't it? She's probably another tombola as we speak.

Finding her next victim. I mean, lover. By that I mean, little food, too much alcohol, spoiled to death and with little backbones. Little, little backbone, we love you. To us, that means small brassiere and panty sizes. There's little demand for the thong, which is a pity. What is going on?

I think he's saying they're like posh pointy slightly jagged you know skinny women and he potentially likes a big butt and won't lie and a buxom lady well it sounds like it's hard for the company to cater for these teeny tiny women like they have to like get special orders in oh no i think he's saying the opposite i think he's saying that's why belinda and Bella's request is a bit out there because they don't usually get curvy women. Normal sized women. Exactly.

I think it's a comment on zero size culture. Oh my God. He always does it. Bravo, Rocky. The curve balls, they keep coming. I mean, we're trying to bat them away, but they're still coming. Adam thinks these two are curve balls. The fattest women he's ever seen.

Who are these umpalumpas? There's little demand for the thong, which is a pity. Personally speaking, it's all I wear, especially when I'm riding. Adam? Adam.

No. How is Adam wearing something that doesn't? Fuck off. No. Belinda and Bella were intrigued. That is like a piece of wire, surely, for a man to wear a thong while he's riding. That's horrible. And he said it's all he wears.

That's not right on a horse if all you're wearing is a thong. That's not right. Somebody else is going to sit there. I feel bad for the horse. I do. It's like, oh, put it away. Put your stones away. Not a thing.

Are you wearing one now? Asked the naked Belinda. Simply. Simply. It should be called Simply Belinda, this book. Simple Belinda. Why, yes, madam. I certainly am.

Let's see it, said Bella. Warming to a new task of undressing Adam. Pipe down, drunken. Imagine her with a bottle in her hand. Rolling around. In a pile of clothes that she's like supposed to be trying on, but she's got like trousers on her head.

She's got a bra on like one ankle. Makeup all over her face. She's not wearing makeup, is she? What am I kidding? From the night before, probably. Yeah. Clarence had put it on her toes and in her hair. Did they have a bacon sandwich for breakfast? I imagine she just like ketchup up her toes and in her hair. Didn't they have a bacon sandwich for breakfast?

Don't imagine she just, like, ketchup up her mouth and things like that. Well, she had Special J, fruit and a bacon sandwich. Yes! The Special J. Adam pulled down the heavily elasticated white jodhpurs he was wearing and revealed a delicate black thong with a red trim. What? Come on, that's a woman's thong then.

Yeah. Is it like a lacy trim? I don't know, James. It's not right. Maybe he gets staff discount. Like a frilly trim. Do you sell these here? Asked Belinda.

Why, of course, madam. It's company policy to only wear what we sell. There you go, you see. He's a walking mannequin. I worked in Gap one Christmas and we, yeah, we could only wear clothes from the store. So that is a common policy. Inner clothing too?

No, I think I could wear my own inner clothing actually. Your own pants. But that's common. I understand, she replied. And what about the socks? Just trying to catch him out. Socks, madam? Yes, the garment you wear between the bare foot and the black leather

riding boots shut up he knows what a sock is you daft woman she's been so sorry hang on ah he said knowingly you mean the hose oh the hose you have to wear hose when you're wearing riding gear i mean how fitting for belinda and and Bella to be wearing hose. The hose. Hose, like hose. Hosery. But it's not hosery, because hosery is like tights and like stockings. You don't wear stockings to ride a horse. Don't you?

I mean, I've never ridden a horse, or I've never worn the equipment to properly ride a horse. Well, I don't believe to properly ride a horse, you have to wear a pair of like 60 denier tights. That can't make a difference, can it? You'd be slipping right off it. That's ludicrous. Ah, he said knowingly.

You mean the hose. Yes, I do. How stupid of me to forget. Yes, let's see your hose. Stop saying hose. Adam sat down and lifted his left leg. Oh God. I apologise.

I would ask Samantha to do me this service, but she's not here. No, she's been gone probably 20 minutes by now. Madam, could I ask you to assist me? Why, yes, of course. I'm an old hand at this kind of thing. She bloody is. She's an old hag. Got that before me.

You're two old hags. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Why, yes, of course. I'm an old hand at this kind of thing, thinking of her evening with the Duchess only a week ago. Belinda quickly and efficiently helped pull Adam's two riding boots off his feet. Oh, it's like deja vu, isn't it?

Yeah. Oh, back to Peter. Oh, I'm getting such flashbacks. Take my boots off, Peter. Put my boots on, Peter. Take the the left one i said the right one in doing so he had a magnificent view of her naked ass and splayed lower vagina sorry i'm? Like, isn't she facing him? Yeah, taking it off. So how can he see her ass and lower vagina? I think what she's doing is like,

she's kind of put each leg between her legs and has got her ass in his face as she's pulling it off, I think. Ass in face. But then how's he seeing... The splayed vagina. The spatchcock vagina. How's he seeing that?

I guess she's bent down really low. Oh my. Oh madam. I mean, at this stage, I have questions, but I feel like you get bored of me asking them. Go on, go on. Splayed lower vagina. No, no, don't worry.

That's not a thing. You're not on your own yet. You're fine. It's not right and it's not okay, whatever he's just described. And it's not how you take someone's boot off. No, more to the point. More to the point.

I love the use of lower vagina. Like it's a mezzanine. Yeah, exactly. It's the third class of a vagina. The bit that no one wants to ride in. The basement flat of the vagina world. I know this is a reference maybe not everyone will know, but do you know the Demogorgon in Stranger Things?

Oh my God! I imagine the Demogorgon in stranger things i imagine the demogorgon's face is a splayed lower vagina let's just say it's not a pretty sight i haven't seen it just google it for goodness sake just google it in doing so he had a magnificent view of her naked ass and splayed lower vagina it's not, in return, turned around to inspect his hose. That's not an exchange. Also, which hose? Is that a metaphor for penis? Oh, God.

James, it was unremarkable. So, do you have a hose and two stones? James does, clearly. What does a stone's throwaway mean? Oh, my God, I'm so confused. It was unremarkable. Gutted.

But she now had his boots off. That's the main thing. I want to see the socks. So I think it was the socks, guys. We haven't got another Jim Sterling on our hands. Right, okay, got it. Bella stood up and said, could I feel the texture of this hose?

I don't know why she's got this voice all of a sudden, but I just feel it's fitting. It's spot on somehow. Yeah. Could I feel the texture of these hose? I don't know why she's got this voice all of a sudden, but I just feel it's fitting. It's spot on somehow. Yeah. Could I feel the texture of these hoes? I might want to purchase some. No, she won't.

She won't. You've spent £1,000 already? Like, stop. Which is about £980 more than she's got. Yeah, take her credit card off her, seriously. Certainly, madam. Adam pulled the hoes off his feet. Stop saying hose! And handed one each to Bella and Belinda.

Bella couldn't resist a sniff. Eurgh! God, that smells good! Oh my! She exclaimed to Belinda. Adam's sweaty feet! This is a new low. Belinda put Adam's hose up to her nose. If you say hose one more time.

Smelt it and said... Maltings. Irish. What? Brush mills. What? Situated on the North Antrim coast. Fuck off.

No, she didn't. She could even smell the seaweed inrim coast. Fuck off. No, she didn't. She could even smell the seaweed in the air. Bullshit. What are you talking about? He's been wearing them for about three hours since he got to work. Grandfather was a miner. How?

What are you talking about? That is... Tax disc. He's renewing. Who the hell knew she had such a keen sense of smell? What were the things she smelt again? So it's maltings, Irish, bush mills, situated on the North Antrim coast. So she's smelling whiskey, basically.

His socks smell of whiskey. And she can triangulate to exactly where it's made yeah and the specific brand of whiskey and how many years has it been you know oaked and of course the seaweed in the air she's got like alcohol gps or something like what the fuck it's like a superpower but it's like a curse because as she's walking around surely she's overwhelmed by every smell she's been rancid for weeks she like the smell on her i'm surprised she didn't pass out well famously you can't smell yourself you can't smell yourself that's science i mean she is like a pig hunting for truffles isn't she just sniffing

her way around i feel like she's wasting her time in the pots and pans industry she could be a sniffer dog 100 she should be she should work for the police. Major airports. Adam blushed. I've just returned from my holiday. I remember we had a skinful in the distillery yesterday lunchtime, but I never thought it would be so obvious. Well, no, because you obviously didn't think anybody was going to start, like, sniffing and, like, sucking at your socks, did you?

Quite rightly. Don't worry. We're not MI6. My dad's a wine and spirits buff, and he's trained me well, replied Belinda. We're not mi6 my dad's a wine and spirits buff and he's trained me well replied belinda we're not mi6 i don't think he thought that look at bella she's she's now literally eyes rolling in the back of her head sick down her front the most indiscreet spy ever we're not mi6 my dad's a wine and spirits buff and he's trained me well replied belinda whilst patting Adam's naked thigh. Patronising.

Adam stood there, his thong performing at 93%. I do beg your pardon? What does that mean? Does that mean it's starting to tip down the front, like his pubes are starting to show or something? 93%. It means it's starting to sag a little bit, I think. Not to introduce this conversation topic at this juncture,

but do you remember when you asked my dad how he was, James? Oh, yeah. I was once, in our uni days, I was stopping over at Alice's house and I came down and saw Alice's dad and I was like, oh, how are you, Ken? And he was like, oh, about 73% fine. So he's with Rocky on using the percentage as a very accurate way of describing levels.

Maybe it's a generational thing. I want to know what the 27% was that was getting him down. You were stopping over. Absolutely. To Belinda and Bella, it was obvious that his red jacket and white shirt were the next to go. This is so slow. They're already naked, or well, at least Belinda is. Just whip it off.

There's not going to be any action, is there? Just as they're both all naked, it'll be the end of the chapter. I feel really duped. Now, said Belinda, explain to me about those red jackets. Why are they so expensive? Because there's craftsmanship involved and, you know, they're good quality material. Yeah, exactly. because there's craftsmanship involved and you know they're good quality material yeah exactly also they're just about to get down to it and she immediately changes the conversation back to a

boring topic like what's wrong with her no but i feel like she's asking because she's like oh pass me your jacket can i have a feel so he takes it off oh he's channeling belinda she's not just a thong rack jamie okay oh because he might not be willing to strip. So they're having to coax the stripping out of him. Yeah, but if somebody said, oh, can I see how much your bra weighs? Would you just whip it off? I'd be like, wait a minute. Just do it.

Adam warmed to his task. Well, simply put, they cost a fortune to make. This is all Mole's hair. Mole's hair. Mole's skin. mole's hair. Mole's hair? Mole's skin? Mole's hair. Mole's hair. The individual hairs of a mole.

Do they have long blonde manes? I've never seen a mole's hair. This is all mole's hair. It's just got that really curly, curly hair on it. Well, mole's skin is like cotton. Yeah. But does he think when things are made of mole's skin, it's made of like a thousand moles? Like the skin of thousand moles like cruella de vil little mole faces on it

yeah i just googled moles hair and it was just talking about the hair on moles on your body it's made of mole hair individually plucked hairs from moles. From human moles. Yeah. From hairy human moles. How gross. Well, no wonder she's in the stockroom so long. She's probably plucking all the stuff. She's like, we've got another jacket to make.

Poor Cedric. Oh God. Plucked. Oh, he'll be red raw. And I bet he's moley. Yeah. Oh, you know. Cedric is a prime supplier of mole hair.

That's why they've kept him for so many years. That's why they've kept him. I hate years. That's why they've kept him. I hate a rogue hair, though. Have you ever had those? Well, your boys sit slightly different, but I've had one in the middle of my chest before and I'm like, how have I not noticed that yet? It's honestly longer than a head hair.

And my hair's quite long. It's like you're pulling out, like, handkerchiefs from your sleeve. Initially, you think it's resting, like a head hair's fallen, and then you pull it and the skin sleeve yeah initially you think it's resting like a head hair's fallen and then you pull it and the skin puckers and you realize it's there yeah i've seen those always between the always between your breasts yeah always in the same place right in the middle of the chest that's disgusting i sound disgusting in this podcast i come across so badly

last week what was it like just like dripping with sweat i mean it's terrible kebab thighs I mean I'm never going to marry I'm never going to wed you will with your dowry don't worry that's all I've got to fall back on this is all moles hair and as you may well know moles ain't big oh he totally thinks

no that's not no nothing surely surely maybe in olden times. Maybe. Back in Rhodesia. When people were small and had even tinier spines. But honestly, that is not made of actual moulds. Moulds ain't big.

They also don't occur naturally in red, which means the dyeing process is involved. I'm so bloody tired. I've got some lovely red moulds here for you. They go lovely in a jacket. It's a gorgeous bag of purple moulds. They're going down a bloody tree down the market. They also don't naturally occur in red,

which means a dyeing process is involved. It alone costs a fortune. But the good thing is, they never fade or crease. They will last a century. This is turning into some sort of fantasy novel with material that doesn't exist in the real world. It is Valyrian steel. It does not break.

Maybe it is like Nocturne Alley. It's all magical material. Yeah. Doesn't fade. Lasts for a hundred years. It will never crease. Never crease? You won't need an iron on that.

Think of all the hours you'll save. You will never grow out of it, no matter how large or small you become. The hair grows with you. So weird. They will last a century, which is why sales are so small and why we may struggle. Why we may struggle with a stupid product. Good day. With your larger in the bust sizes. Why would you struggle?

What, because they'll need 10 more moles? Cedric. Also, it lasts for a century and then what? It just disintegrates. It just falls apart. It just turns to dust. The moles run off. They come to take their skin back.

Bella looked at Belinda. I like this shop. First time I've ever been described as having larger breasts in a clothing store. Adam, could I possibly feel your jacket? Why, yes, of course. I'd be like, don't touch me, love. It doesn't crease, it doesn't mark, it doesn't tear, it's fine. Hands off the mole hair.

Adam quickly pulled off his red riding jacket and gave it to Bella, who threw it in the corner of the room. It fell roughly to the floor, but didn't seem to crease. As above. Okay. Belinda moved her hand up to Adam's chest and started to open his shirt buttons. He stood still, waiting.

Bella removed the shirt and tossed it in the general direction of the jacket and it didn't seem to crease oh that one must have creased because adam was totally naked except for his thong with a red frilly edge 93 fine or whatever it was belinda took it and pulled it down. His already extended cock sprung fully to attention, ready for duty. Did it spring out of the thong? It's making a bid for freedom. Is it like concertina, doesn't it just go... His already extended cock sprung fully to attention, ready for duty,

as a dedicated Forster's employee should be. What, always a wreck? Did they take an oath? Cedric didn't take that oath. Cedric's got a lot of Viagra Plus in his cubbyhole. God bless his soul. Bella whistled. Whistled?

That sort of thing. Taxi! Not bad for a lad. For a lad? Noti Not bad for a lad For a lad? Not a bad cock for a lad She just says Not bad for a lad Would you say he was hung like a red London bus Belinda?

What? Not a phrase Not a phrase Not a comparison Can you imagine You were hung like a red London bus. What does that mean? You are hung like what?

I don't understand. They don't even hang in any way. Well, they're long, aren't they? And wide, but... What, his cock's the size of a bus? It's a double-decker. He's one of those new route masters. It's a bendy bus.

Would you say he was hung like a red London bus, Belinda? Belinda nodded, crouched, and put her mouth over his cock. The suspense is killing me. Adam pushed into her throat. Oh, like thrust forward. His foreskin began to retract as Belinda gained traction on the moving penis. On its own, it began to retract. Retract the Belinda gained traction on the moving penis. On its own, it began to retract.

Retract the foreskin. Without her even touching it. Oh my God, like the swimming pool in Thunderbirds. Not okay. Okay. Adam grabbed the still, fully clad Bella and pulled her to him. So she's just been dressed watching two people get naked. That's a bit weird. Not watching.

She's not been lucid, has she? She's only just woken up. He kissed her deeply and she started to tear off her clothing. No one asked her to. She's just like, I'm taking it off. The two naked girls worked hard on Adam. He, likewise, was no slouch. The two naked girls worked hard on Adam. He, likewise, was no slouch.

Slouch is such a funny word. He was no slouch. With a hand on each of their breasts, he was giving as good as he got. Well, not quite. The action got more intense. The girls started to gently perspire And Adam fell onto the white settee Belinda reached for the glass of champagne Is she still attached by the mouth?

No, I think she's retracted her mouth I thought he retracted his foreskin Why's everyone retracting? She reached for a glass of champagne She was thirsty and wanted a drink before she started on Adam's toes This is new. He's read something because we had that chapter with the lipstick on the toes too. Yeah.

Where's he got this from? He's got a new toe interest. Unless she just wants to drink a whiskey. As it seeped out of his toes. Meanwhile, Bella had spotted Belinda spitting out Adam's cock. Told you they were still attached. So when he fell on the sofa, she's fallen with him because Mal's still around it. Oh, God.

So she kind of choked on it as he fell. She's like, gagged it up. She spat it out and she straddled him immediately. He responded with gusto and was fucking her heart for all that build-up it's all happening very very quickly i feel like rocky's like get out of the way horrible horrible toes Bella felt she was a cowboy on a bucking bronco of course she did quite apt for the shopping experience they were having she thought that's true and they always think these things as they're in in the throes of passion?

Yeah, they never have that moment that normal people have where they're like, oh, I wish I'd thought of that funny thing after. They always think of it right there and then because they're not present. Guys. What? It all stopped before Belinda could refill her second glass. What stopped? Samantha had returned from the stockroom.

I knew Samantha would be back. That little snake She quietly coughed So sorry to interrupt Now seems like it's not a good time But can I just say they weren't available in a seven So All the moles are dead

So we're not going to be able to make your coats Guys, Cedric passed away The moles are dead, so I'm not going to be able to make your coat. Guys, Cedric passed away. We're holding a small funeral for him. The wake's downstairs. Everyone's just arrived. I'll just let you put your clothes back on. I'll see you back downstairs.

She quietly coughed. And Adam sat up bella had no option but to withdraw and fell back only partially exhausted onto the floor what's she withdrawing from his penis no that was belinda so she's been fucking him belinda was sucking his toes oh god i don't know also why did bella just fall back why didn't she step off why should i just fall in a heap adam said thank you ladies for bearing with us while samantha sourced the garments and accessories i'm not having it no thanks for your patience you now have your clothing sorry for the weight and there's why don't you mount me. They weren't getting keys cut, do you know what I mean?

Now that we're all undressed, let's see if these items fit you. Let's see what we could have won. I'm not sure this is how it works. Well, it doesn't seem like Samantha's freaking out like this is an unusual occurrence. No, she's just chill about it. Now that we're all undressed, let's see if these items fit you. Please, forgive my cold hands. Too late for that.

They've been all over him. Adam competently dressed Bella and Belinda and after only a few minutes, they looked like the real thing. Until they opened their mouths. Where's all the champagne? Adam stood back and surveyed his handiwork. Is he naked still?

He's naked. Oh, that's the point. Not right. For sure, Bella's outfit didn't look as expensive as Belinda's, but it still did the job. He felt she looked extremely attractive. Belinda, however, with her long black hair, legs to die for and oval breasts that shouted out,

hold me tightly tightly was something else so now her clit and her breasts are more talkative than her every part of her body is more eloquent than she is he knew for certain that his dress skills would make her stand out at the next horse jumping club dinner she attended when's she going to horse jumping club dinners i think she'll go with the duchess will she not oh god is that why she's getting the kit so she can join him i think did she get an invite well she kind of did because she said she'd introduced her to the horsey set didn't she oh right it's loose it's like when someone says we should go for coffee sometime they mean we'll never see each other

again and you turn up to the house with the cafetiere like ready it's like I meant it vaguely which is mental that she's bought £5,000 worth of outfit on the basis of a throwaway comment yeah book three is just going to be like

the equestrian version of Wedding Crashers totally with Belinda and Bella like trying to get use out of their kit the Duchess just seeing them from far like they're fucking here again

so what's Bella's jacket made of then? Because hers is so much cheaper. Is it like shrews or like field mice or something? Donkeys. Vole. Vole. Oh, you'd need a lot of vole, babe. He knew for certain that his dress skills would make her stand out

at the next horse jumping club dinner she attended. And that meant she was in the A class. The English aristocracy would love her to bits. To bits? To death? That feels like she's like primed and ready to take the next step in society. Yeah, she's like a debutante, isn't she?

But old. It's like a really dirty version of My Fair Lady. It's such a kind of coming of age, emphasis on coming, of age kind of drama, isn't it? Wow. And that is the end of the chapter. Wow.

Wow. We got a dash of penetration. We did. We did. Bella was riding him like a trooper. For at least five seconds. It does feel a while since there has dash of penetration. We did. We did. Bella was riding him like a trooper. For at least five seconds. Does feel a while since there has been a penetration. In the book or?

In the book. No, like it's been ages since a P has gone in a V. So I'm pleased about that. Happy as Larry. That's good. He's loving it. Look at that. It's made my cold feel way better.

Yeah, you have perked right up actually. Well, there was a bit of everything in there, wasn't there, really? There really was. Proper pick and mix of a chapter. Do you want to know what the next chapter's called? Well, I just hope we're out of this fricking shop, quite frankly. Surely they close on a Sunday or something, don't they? The next chapter is called Up, Up and Away.

What? Hot air balloon? Yeah, that is my first assumption, hot air balloon. I don't know why I thought that, but yeah. And we have, I'm sure, talked in the past about how that is a kind of textbook romantic gesture. Yeah. And nobody ever does it. But we know...

It's a token gesture that's never actually followed through. Yeah, I don't know anybody who's been on a hot air balloon date, but it's a thing that you always see like romantic couples leaning out of the basket, don't you? I'm just going to feel bad for us ever operating the hot air balloon. They'd be like, oh you always see like romantic couples leaning out of the basket don't you I'm just going to feel bad for us ever operating the hot air balloon they'd be like oh do you mind

like put your clit away like I'm trying to drive this hot air do you drive a hot air balloon ride fly she'll be riding it oh she will

she might have to shag the guy that's in charge of the gas she might that hot air balloon will be rising on her sexual adrenaline and nothing more surely it's not under the plane she's racking up the air miles if it is who knows only one way to

find out and that's coming back next week it just seems like a lot to do to find out go on then fine in the meantime you can of course as always get in touch with us on twitter at dad rated porno we get such good tweets yeah we do you're good guys they're getting better as well i feel like in the early days it was like chapter four fine and now people send us like really cool stuff yeah and they send us really good stuff on instagram as well which is at my dad wrote ah so send us some fan art send us some drawings some pictures of you listening to the book laughing along people are making birthday presents and cards and stuff

for each other using stuff from belinda blinked i saw one the other day someone got their friend like two pomegranates a bottle of chili and chardonnay and like uh some pink plastic handcuffs oh god what a cheap friend very nice in my opinion i think it's a lovely thoughtful gift no it is very very good but also people won't need to make DIY presents anymore because our first batch of merchandise is on its way. Yeah, it is. We're doing t-shirts. Beautiful t-shirts. Beautiful moleskin t-shirts.

Mole hair. Mole hair. The finest mole hair. We've got mugs. We've got mugs. We've got jugs. And tote bags for the ladies. Tote bags, yeah.

So if you come to the live shows, merchandise will be available there. And keep your eyes peeled because we'll start selling it online soon. The perfect gift for all the family. ladies tote bags yeah so if you come to live shows merchandise will be available there and keep your eyes peeled because we'll start selling it online soon the perfect gift for all the family and there's something for everyone stuff starting at a thousand pounds all the way up to five thousand pounds exactly everyone's a winner it's a really reasonably priced range