My Dad Wrote A Porno - S2E14 - 'Texas, USA'

Episode Date: October 3, 2016

Belinda and Bella touch down in Texas to secure a lucrative deal with Jim Stirling. But is he even there? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno... Unbeknown to Belinda, Hazel had both her and Bella upgraded from economy comfort class to VIP. There's no such thing as VIP. Or economy comfort class. It was a very slow touch, much in the style of an Irish wake. What? I do beg your pardon. She can see her cervix.

She can see right up. She can probably see light through Belinda's mouth. She'll be like, I see all the stars, I can see Orion's belt. I think that's a consolation, Belinda's cervix. I think that's a consolation for Linda's cervix. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. James, how are you? I'm really good.

Excellent. Alice, how are you? Okay, why are you asking? We're back in her little back room. Do you like it here? Do you like it as much as when we record at James's? I like it when we record at my house. But that never gets a look in, apparently, with you two. Why do you insist on putting washing everywhere and just hanging stuff up?

It is very much the spare back room, isn't it? Two things. Most of it is clean. That mound is not. Do you wash your dusters? Why is there loads of dusters hanging on the drying rack? Don't you wash them? I don't think I have any. That's it all.

I'll be less embarrassed. What is most disturbing is I think I can see a black thong. No. Hang on, what? I think you probably can. I thought you only wore Spanx. Well, yes. If I could wear them all the time, I obviously would.

But the thongs are more for horse riding, obviously, and then the Spanx for everything else. I'm not even going to ask what that flesh-coloured dental floss is down there. Oh, my goodness. That was once a full set of of briefs it's been whittled away in the wash look at the gusset on there oh well thank you for treating stop looking uh you pointed it out then you're kind of flaunting them i think would i really flaunt those those were once white no well thank you for treating us so well. We really feel like valued guests. I'd rather be in B5 than here.

Oh, gross. They definitely don't clean their dusters in B5. Oh my God. The five-person orgy room. And another life lesson that we've all learned, courtesy of Rocky, is that actually those sleeping compartments for cabin crew do actually exist. I couldn't believe that. I know.

We've tweeted the link. It's incredible. There is genuinely a warren of rooms on the plane for staff. And they look exactly how dad described them as well. Just a big sea of bed. But no spiral staircase. No door hidden in the bookshelf or whatever he said. It was a really funny picture of one of her staff just like lying on the front,

like reading a magazine, like kicking her feet in the air. I was like, you're on a 20 minute break, love. Chill out. And the one with like three of them just like chatting, like the kicking her feet in the air. I was like, you're on a 20-minute break, love. Chill out. And the one with, like, three of them just, like, chatting, like, the little glee team they are. Like it's a sleepover. Like, they can have a pillow fight. So I presume we've landed now.

Well, who knows? We might still be on the plane. Oh, God. Really? How did that episode end? Did they land? Oh, yeah, she had to leave to get back to land the plane, didn't she?

She got called back. It was hurtling towards Earth. She was like, that's my cue. So yeah, this chapter is called Texas, USA. So that would imply that we are on terra firma. Oh my God. The Sterlingator. The Sterlingator.

The Sterlingator. Is there a, does any of it work? The Sterlingatron. The Vol. Yeah. That'll do. He's back, guys. Has Belinda got her Esther visa?

I bet she won't be able to get through customs and she'll have to, like, shag her way through. Oh, do you think? At that booth where they're behind the bulletproof glass. And they'll be like, are you here for business or pleasure? She'll be like, pleasure. You know where they scan your thumbprints?

She'll just put, like, a tit on there and they'll just scan a nipple and everything will open. Okay, let's find out. Belinda Blink 2, chapter 14. 14. Texas, USA. Bella and Belinda arrived at their hotel late in the evening, but not too late to get some food and a final drink from the bar.

Never too late for a drink. So do you think they were there by 8.20? Oh, different rules in the States, different rules. Different rules. That is three bottles of bubbly, though, and now they're getting another drink. And it makes you really pissed up high, doesn't it? Oh goes straight to your head the altitude thins your blood and makes you cry sorry no you know this what you're talking about shut up makes you cry no it makes people

say it makes you cry going on planes you are more emotional with the movies always watch like a shit movie because it'll make you cry exactly really famously you're more emotional you're more like engaged with heaven i guess because you're closer with heaven roman catholic jamie morton there and that is the most connected with heaven you will ever be i've been excommunicated actually oh my god you're going straight to hell we all are can you see what we're doing here do not pass go go. Do not collect £200. Giselle had been in touch with the Stirling organisation and had managed to get them both into separate suites on the 17th floor. Ooh, suites.

They're pricey. Also, who, when they're on business, has to share a room? Yeah, that's true. Maybe she's traded in their two regular rooms. For a suite. I want to bet for two suites. Yeah. What's happening? What do you get in a suite over a normal room for two suites yeah what's happening

what do you get in a suite over a normal room a little living room yeah you get like a little maisonette kitchen little sofa

maisonette kitchen makes it sound so shit you get like one camping stove yeah surely even a suite you don't want a kitchen you're not going to

self cater you're not going to like fry your own eggs and stuff it's for doing just little bits and pieces and if you have

people around you know you can do like chips and dips and all those things when do you ever sit on the sofa though when you're in a hotel room you know like the chair that's like by the window to read never you never do that so giselle had been in touch with the sterling organization and had managed to get them both into separate suites on the 17th floor of sterling's own company hotel he's got a hotel what the company has a hotel what for visiting staff is he trump oh my god have you seen the like drawing of a naked trump with a really tiny penis some people have tweeted us

he looks exactly like him donald trump is jim sterling Unfortunately, I think Donald Trump wishes he was Jim Sterling. I think Jim Sterling's probably more attractive than Trump. I mean, you can't get much worse than Trump. And Sterling's got a full head of hair. Do we know that? It's not been specified, but I feel like it would have been specified. He's actually Trump. He's just Trump.

Oh my God. Does he wear a toop? Trump doesn't wear a toop. Did you not see that Jimmy Fallon thing? No. When he like ruffles up his hair and he's just the most bald man. It's all just... Comb over.

So it's not a toupee? That's his God-given hair. And what, it's all on one side of his head? It's like, yeah, it's kind of like on either side, but he's just kind of like swept them up to meet in the middle. Oh my God. So that's his chosen style. Well, I think that's all he has to work with, to be fair. not gonna do a mohawk is he or he can't really do the rachel

can he from friends oh my god he could have some killer bangs one big bang um remind me what business jim sterling's in and why he would have a hotel on the side i think maybe jim's a kind of a business mogul so is he he owning kind of Walmart type places? Yeah, maybe in like real estate and stuff and vacation villas, golf courses. He is Trump, basically. I think just think what Trump does and apply it to Jim Sterling.

Can we think about like the Sterling brand though? I bet everything's disappointingly small. Tiny faucets. Like famously small portions in the restaurant. Sterling, smaller than you think. No, but he's got like massive other things, hasn't he? Massive lobby, tiny bedrooms. And there'll be like a really, really massive swimming pool.

But then the lift will be like the size of a postage stamp. Yeah, and the towels will be like flannels. But that's appropriate. So, they're on the 17th floor of Sterling's own company hotel. Just two floors down from the penthouse where Jim resided when he was in town. Oh, a bit like Brittany when she's in... Residence. Yeah, in Las Vegas.

She's got like a floor, hasn't she, that she lives on. Belinda was pleased with the arrangements. She had Bella within shouting distance. Shouting distance? What are the walls made of? Polystyrene? Yeah, why does she want to shower? Bella! Bella!

Bella! That's her shag! I'm watching TV. Want to join me? The Kardashians are on! Shouting distance. She had Bella within shouting distance and Jim's organisation was housed below them

in the large office park which was the nerve centre of Sterling's operations. After a simple supper of steak, hash browns and lots of red wine... Steak and hash browns? To me, a simple supper is like bread and water. That's like a really, really extravagant, like rich dinner, no? Again, they don't deserve to be in a suite. They should be in like the cleaning cupboard or something,

the way they're carrying on. And lots of red wine. They didn't have a Chardonnay in stock. Belinda and Bella moved to the bar. Even at this late hour, it was pretty busy, with company executives finishing off deals and organising future meetings. Being complete strangers in town, they were on their own. They hoped to meet Jim Sterling the next day before their meetings with the various management people.

But that hadn't yet been confirmed with his office. So they've just flown out there without confirmation? What are they there for? Well, apparently some other meetings, but I wouldn't fly out unless I had the A-OK. If I were them, I'd avoid Jim. I'd be like, oh, we didn't see Jim, never mind. Jim's just in the other room. No, no, let's not disturb him. God, our flight's in seven hours.

We've got to go. Bella sat on a bar stool and surveyed the room. Lots of tycoons here, Belinda. Do you think we'll make the grade? No. Absolutely not. Yeah, why even ask? She knows.

And also, it's not we, is it? Belinda could make the grade and Bella very easily could not. Yeah, why even ask? She knows. And also, it's not we, is it? Belinda could make the grade and Bella very easily could not. Do you think Belinda just carries Bella around to make her look good? Oh, for sure. Yeah. And because she can't shake her. Yeah, why is Bella here? Bella's not supposed to be there.

That was not part of the plan. Lots of tycoons here, Belinda. Do you think we'll make the grade? Of course we will. All we have to do is stick to our appointments and show our fantastic assets all you have to do to be a tycoon is turn up to your meetings and waggle your breasts that's not how any of the dragons den lot did is it what's tycoon up then like next level up from entrepreneur entrepreneur mogul no moguls above tycoon yeah i would say tycoon i always think

has like an air of the not quite legit. Do you know what I mean? Like a tycoon is like, he's such a tycoon. Yeah. Like maybe he's like a little bit dodge. Oh yeah, Jim Sterling's totally dodge. For many reasons. They chinked glasses and laughed. Another corker of a joke.

That, after all, was what they were good at. Customer satisfaction. I don't know if that's true. I think that's fair, actually. Do you think that's right? I would lay a lot of things at Belinda's door, but I think she's good at satisfying customers. She's very client-facing. That is true.

Except when she, like, rears up to them. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, they're facing her ass. Yeah, fair enough. Being two attractive females in a mainly male-dominated environment, it wasn't long before they were joined by some sharply dressed executives. Oh, hello. As this was primarily an in-house business hotel, there would be no...

Does everyone live there? Do all the employees just live in the building? An in-house business hotel? Yeah. Is it a tenement? So everyone who... So is it attached to their work? Yeah.

Like the office is next door to the hotel. It's all on one big complex. So it's kind of like those old cotton mills back in the Industrial Revolution where they'd have the mill and then all of the people's houses would be outside them. Yeah.

Interesting. Like Bourneville. The town Bourneville. You're right. Where they made the chalk. Yeah, it was Cadbury's own little town. Oh, was it? Where all the Cadbury workers used to live.

A bit like Willy Wonka. As this was primarily an in-house business hotel, there would be no funny business. Primarily an in-house business hotel. Yeah. There's obviously a secondary usage. There's one weird family who's just going, what the fuck?

The shittest family holiday ever they're like wearing a big rubber ring hang on where's the uh entertainment and the dad's like really livid because he got some kind of groupon deal and thought it was going to be really good just loads of suits and belinda and bella jesus oh maybe the dad will have a good time then there'd be no funny business, so the girls felt relaxed. Belinda introduced herself and Bella and explained why they were in town. One of the executives said he'd heard good things about the products and that he was on one of the quality teams they'd be meeting with over the next two days.

Well, that's very lucky in a massive hotel. They've just struck upon somebody who's heard of the Oxybrilla range. Alice, who hasn't? Everyone's heard of it now i guess the only disappointing news was that as far as they were aware jim sterling himself wasn't around what the meeting was planned with jim sterling that was the point what do you mean he's not there they haven't checked before they got on a fucking plane there's not going to be another't checked before they got on a fucking plane. There's not going to be another deal done, is there? This is... What a waste of time.

He was still on a business trip to Brazil, where they were expanding rapidly. Oh, as we know. I mean, doing very well in South America. Disappointing some Brazilian woman, no doubt. They were expanding rapidly, but were encountering worrying exchange rate fluctuations Jim had decided

Don't care, do not care Give a shit Jim had decided to make a visit himself to ascertain the depth of the problem No one cares Are we really talking about exchange rates? But also, Google it Do you really have to go

What's going to the country going to happen? You've got the stocks and shares app on your phone. What's wrong with him? What's he going to do? Ask a taxi driver? What are your views on the currency fluctuations? I mean, I'm speaking in English. But hey, we're still here, said one of the other executives,

seeing Belinda's face fall. Oh, no, she didn't hide it very well. Also, no names so far. An executive. That's all you need to know no the other executive the other executive who could play the other executive channing tatum perfect oh yes get in touch yeehaw jim doesn't do it all you know provided he's given his intent then you're home free and as far as i know you guys are on a meet and greet visit. Oh, it's a meet and greet? It's what you get with, like,

backstage. Like Justin Bieber concert or something. Yeah, but what is it in the business world? It's a picture. You get a signed piece of merch, one, and 15 minutes with the star. I'm in contracts, and it's all tied up on our side. Now, why are you drinking? Uh-oh. So, again,

it's all done. the deal is done you don't meet and greet after the deal's done you don't fly to texas once the deal's done exactly and you also don't go to texas for a meet and greet if somebody's in the same place as you you'd maybe have a meet and greet you won't go all the way there to be like well it's been lovely uh we've been here 20 minutes thank you for your hospitality. Bye-bye. Anyone heard of Skype or FaceTime? Exactly. Do a video call. The girls replenished their glasses

and chatted amiably with the executives for the next 20 minutes. It was then time for some much-needed sleep. They made their excuses and promised to meet them again tomorrow night. Hang on. No throwing of gin on blouses? Yeah, why haven't they gone to the bathroom to splash their boobs?

They had a conversation and they went to bed. They had a pleasant conversation and acted as one does in public. But they did say that there was going to be no funny business, didn't they? So I guess they're staying true to their word. But there shouldn't really be funny business in the pentra. This is the equivalent of the pentra. Well, the barge from there, they're not going back there any time soon. They made their excuses

and promised to meet them again tomorrow night. On the way up in the lift, Bella said, What do you think, Belinda? Is it a done deal? Yes, they just said the contract had been signed. They literally just said it. She is learning nothing.

Bella, listen. Is it a done deal? I'm not sure. why is nobody sure i was hoping jim would be here to help us tie it up tight don't hope actually pick up the fucking phone and find out if he's there that awkward phone conversation when you've had sex with someone in a maze though oh i know if i had a pound i'm not sure i was hoping jim would be here to help us tie it up tight we may have more work to do than they're letting on why would they lie but what do they mean by work she's just trying to find a way that she has to have sex with two executives she's like it sounds like it's not a done deal just said it was it sounds like there's more work to do very Very, very simply said, Jim's left his intent.

His intent is to do the deal. He doesn't need to be here. Ah, so Jamie's not here, going to have to have sex with him. This is all in her head. But that's for tomorrow. Belinda grasped Bella's breasts as they lived. Why?

As the lift whizzed the 16 floors upwards. What, was she holding on tight? Was she like, oh? Whizzed. They don't whizzed the 16 floors upwards. What, was she holding on tight? Was she like, oh! Whizzed. They don't whizz. I know. Bella responded by inserting her pink red tongue into Blinda's open mouth. Pink red.

Pink slash red. Pink red. They just can't keep their hands off each other, can they, when they're alone? And they're only a spitting distance away or whatever it said earlier. Shouting. Shouting distance, sure. I want your pink red tongue now! I love you best! They locked on on and as the lifts locked on that's an oh that is a new one what does that mean oh

like docked their mouths sure they locked on and as the lifts slowed to their floor reavowed their passion for each other they said some vows what What were they like? I, Belinda, will grab your breasts every day in sickness and in health for pots and for pans. Until death us do part. The lift doors

pinged, opened and the two girls parted on their corridor, each going to their own rooms. It's all very dignified. Please don't tell me this is the end of the chapter,

Nellie. This is ludicrous if this is the end of the chapter. Itellie. This is ludicrous if this is the end of the chapter. It's not. Belinda decided to sleep naked. Do girls sleep... Do you ever sleep naked? I always imagine, like,

it's not so easy for girls to just sleep totally naked. Not so easy? What do you mean? Like, if the boobs, like, fall around and stuff. Fall around? Well, they don't wear a bra in bed, so... Huh? You wear a bra in bed? No, I'm saying they don't wear a bra in bed so what

are you saying? Well like, yeah but they've got a top on to like contain things. Who are they? Contain them? Where do you think they're going to go? You don't ever wake up and you can't find them, if that's what you mean. I've got to walk about again Alice. But is it normal for a girl to sleep naked? I couldn't speak for all girls and often you try and make me do that on this podcast.

Girls can sleep naked, yes. Well I know they can. Do I sleep naked? Is that what you want to know? He wants to pounce on you at night. I'm not telling you that, James. It's very, very private and I feel put on the spot. I don't sleep naked. We didn't ask you. Why is he just proffering that? Belinda decided to sleep naked. She didn't like the air con turned on, even though it was warmish in the room. I'm with her there, though. It's very drying, isn't it, when you've got the air con on? If you've got off a long-haul flight. I like it cold.

Yeah. Oh, you do? Mm. She lay down and worked on her strategy. What's strategy a nickname for? So she just, like, got naked to do some work on the bed. To cool down, maybe. Jim not being around was bad news.

And good news. And good news. Let's be a bit more glass half full. It's also really good news. Belinda stirred in her sleep. She's asleep? I thought she was just working on her strategy. It's been a passage of time.

How do you know? Is there a new paragraph? Oh no, there's no new paragraph. There's a new paragraph. There's nothing to really... Okay, indicate that. No. Belinda stirred in her sleep. Something was different. Hello! She's just like lying next to her.

Bella's like, I'm asleep. It's like, I really don't mind letting myself in. I was a shouting distance away, so... She slowly awoke to a persistent knocking at her room door. Go back to bed, Bella.

Do you think Bella's a sleepwalker? Oh, do you think? That'll be her excuse in the morning. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I think I was sleepwalking. No, you weren't. You were wide awake. I bet Bella does talk.

Even if she doesn't sleepwalk, I bet she sleeptalks. She screams. Gobbled a uke. Bah! Greeting. Champagne! J you. Champagne! Jodhpurs! Actually,

my brother used to laugh in his sleep. Oh, that's creepy. I know. Also, one time, I had a cabin bed, you know, like a bunk bed,

but it's raised, nothing underneath. I had a small desk for my eight-year-old needs in the kind of admin department. But I had one of those and one night,

I was laughing hysterically my dad heard it woke him up that's how loud i was laughing like down the hall came in i was running up and down the bed knowing when to turn around weird like laughing i always thought you're a demon running up and down dr robin style like they were worried i was gonna like fall off the end of the bed and break my neck so my dad lifted me down just pissed all over him he didn't see that twist did you that is some exorcist shit did your head rotate yeah why Belinda stirred in her sleep she slowly awoke to a persistent knocking at her room door don't answer it her mind started racing did it or do you just think it's bella immediately this was the states her father had always told her you never opened your hotel door to any stranger i'd always told her as a kid how many hotels did she stay in on her own hasn't he got one of those

like little peekaboo things on the door as a senior executive she could be kidnapped oh she could for god's sake who the fuck would kidnap belinda why would you bother and also then you'd be like oh god we've got a right handful on the house yeah you'd be stuck with her nothing special sweetheart chill out i think she's slightly built apart there hasn't she the knocking continued belinda picked up a metal vase. Oh God, a metal vase? From the table and tiptoed across to the door. Just don't open it if you're scared, don't open it. Yeah, they can't

get in unless you open the door. This is an incredible overreaction. Who is it? What? Well, she's scared, isn't she? Don't answer then! Open the door. What? Oh my God, it's Jim, isn't she? Don't answer then. Open the door. What?

Oh my God, it's Jim. It's me, Jim Sterling. I'm so excited. I'm so glad I was wrong. You got the first flight back from Brazil. I guess the currency's settled. It must have. Open the door.

It's me, Jim Sterling. I've never been happier about a sentence in my life. The vole is back. Return of the vole. Imagine looking through that peephole, though. You know how it distorts things. I bet it makes it look normal size. Yeah.

It's like, stay on that side of the door. She's probably done it through a door before. Through a keyhole. Yeah. It could fit through a keyhole. He has, yeah. Guys, Belinda blinks. Oh, drink.

She slowly unlocked the door, suspecting some sort of trick. Why is she so suspicious? Why is she so paranoid? Well, she might think it's someone pretending to be Jim. But seriously, does this suite not have a peephole? Clearly not. It's a standard issue these days. Especially in most in-house business hotels.

Exactly. She suspected it might be some sort of trick. But outside stood a gently perspiring Jim Sterling. Oh, bless his little cons. God, we've been waiting a long time for you, Jim. Welcome home. Welcome home, son. Hiya, Belinda.

And can I just say, when Jim speaks, Dad spells Belinda, B-E-L-I-N-D-E-R. Belinda. Belinda. So he kind of writes it phonetically, which I think is a nice thing. That's nice, yeah. So you can get into the spirit of Jim. Yeah. Hiya, Belinder. So he kind of writes it phonetically, which I think is a nice thing. That's nice, yeah. So you can get into the spirit of Jim. Yeah.

Hiya, Belinder. And that's hi, space, ya. Hiya. Hiya. Hiya. But she should be paranoid. Hiya, Belinder. She's been doing his karate.

Belinder. Hiya, Belinder. Good to see you. Thanks for making the trip. It's just a meet and greet, but you're welcome Jim, but I thought you were in Brazil Why is she so emotional? Can I come in?

I feel kind of stupid standing out here And I can see your dress for me Naked Belinda suddenly realised she was bone naked Bone naked! So she's got time to pick up the vase, but not to slip any underwear on. And also she's really, really worried, but she'll still open the door entirely

naked. What if I'm kidnapped? Yeah. I'm really scared it's a kidnapper. No, I won't put any clothes on. Hello? She realised she was bone naked, carrying only a vase. She opened the door fully and beckoned Jim to come in.

She pulled her bathrobe off a nearby chair, which was conveniently positioned in the far corner of the room, and invited Jim to sit down. It's not particularly conveniently located, though. Next door would be conveniently located. Also, too late. I mean, he's seen it all now. And he has seen it all before, yeah.

Thanks, Belinda. I thought you were never going to open up. I didn't want to call my security just for an access key. He can access any room. Well, I guess all hotels can. Yeah, I guess they can. But that's like saying, oh, yeah, all hotel members of staff can access all of the safes. And if you're the boss, you can just like clean them all out.

Sorry about that. But we just got in late this evening. We? Jim asked. Oh no. I knew it. Yes, I've brought Bella to help with some of the admin work. Of the meet and greet.

I hope that was okay. I feel like Belinda's an entirely different person. Well, she's on American time. But why is she so apologetic, so unsure of herself, so lacking confidence, so, like, scared to the point where she could potentially become an agoraphobic? Like, why can't she even open a hotel door? I hope that was okay. No, that's perfect.

She's a great gal, and I want her to meet some of my top people. But hey, what about you? What about her? How's the pots and pans business? How is it? No different from a week ago, Jim, when I last saw you. Jim smiled. How's the miscellany

business? What does he do there? How's the mogul business? How's the campaign trail, Mr Trump? How's the miscellany business? What does he do again? How's the mogul business? How's the campaign trail, Mr Trump? How's the candy floss hair? Actually, Jim, it's great. And that's why we're here, to see you. We want to consolidate our business affairs. Belinda started to flex her cervix.

What? Excuse me? And he could see it? flex her cervix. What? Excuse me? And he could see it? Flex her cervix? Well, like you flex an arm muscle. Was it like to come out of her stomach? Like dilate it? I don't know.

Like alien? Oh, God. She needed about five minutes of exercises to get it into peak condition, just the way her personal trainer in London had taught her. No, no, no. There's nothing in a PT programme that's like tightening your cervix. I think Rocky's definitely thinking about pelvic floor exercises, isn't he? That's what he's thinking of.

Jim walked over to Belinda and gently took off her robe with his massive hands. They're back. He made very light work of it. Here come the massive jazz hands his large thumbs rubbed her nipples no and Belinda shuddered with expectation

oh or the lack thereof yeah is that what it says yeah no it doesn't or the lack thereof she wasn't quite sure which

oh my so why has she been making out she really wants him there yeah I don't know. Well, I guess he's powerful and she likes that, doesn't she? She likes... She wants to meet the top dogs. Yeah, exactly.

She likes the thumbs for sure. Who doesn't? Belinda, I need to tell you something. Something serious that you must keep private. My penis is tiny. Oh, wait. No, we know that. We know.

It's essentially between you and me belinda nodded her acceptance and thought surely he hasn't lost his penis completely through some wasting disease what disease would that be exactly a wasting penis penis disease. He has a wasted life with that penis, but... Even with all her new exercises, she couldn't deal with that problem. Oh, wait, he's not bloody crashed

his car again, has he? Oh, God. God, to be in that brain, the random thoughts she has. You mean dad has? Yeah, to be in your dad's brain, to be fair. Fair point.

Yeah, she goes like A to B to K to Z. Like it's never the route you think. To pound sign. In fact, Jim continued, can I show you rather than tell you? Oh, no, no. Somehow it's easier for me. Oh, God. Has he shit himself?

Belinda half closedclosed her eyes. She felt she couldn't take much more of this. Oh, my gosh. She needed to know the worst. What the fuck? Jim slowly undressed, leaving his pants until last. With a final, long look at Bel belinda he slowly took them off now dressed in only a black thong i think i know what's happened go on have a guess i think he's had you know how you get all

of those emails in your spam folder about penis enlargement i think he's had it that's where he's been he's not been in brazil he's been on like you know people go on holiday to have surgery what and it's gone wrong or it's gone right? Is he going to get a whopping great dick out? Monster prick. Oh my god. I've got a monster prick. That's what it's going to be. Now, dressed only in a black thong,

he showed Belinda his secret. Remember, Belinda, this is between you and me. Well, it will be between the two of them. It'll be right between them. Literally. Exactly. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

The vole is no longer in the hole. The vole, my friends, is a troll. Belinda nodded. She didn't know what to say. All she could do was reach forward and pull down Jim's thong. Can't he do that? Is he a woman? It's like a horror movie. He's a woman. There's nothing left. Jemima Sterling. I think that she thought

there was, she couldn't feel anything so she presumed there was a vole there but maybe there wasn't a vole after all. Oh okay. She was shocked. I'm shocked and I don't even know what it is. She was shocked. I'm shocked and I don't even know what it is. What could she say? How could she tell Jim what she felt? Tears trickled down her face and Jim held her tenderly in his arms. What's happening?

What's there? What's in between his legs? It's a dark abyss. There, there, Belinda. You can learn to deal with this as I have. What? It's only a matter of time and getting used to new circumstances. What's happened?

That's all that matters. What? What is... Don't say that's the end of the chapter. Shut up. That's not the end of the chapter! Shut up! That is the end of the chapter. No. keep reading.

We're doing another one then. That's it. I use my only card that says we get to do a double whammy. We're doing another. No, I don't know why you've stopped. We're reading again. Hang on, right. Whatever is between his legs is so devastating it brought her to tears she was crying

what's something really sad like the film my girl is that playing down there sad but believable because there's no way there's been a wasting disease and it's just like dissolved away and would that bring a tear to your eye but that is like the first legitimate cliffhanger, or should I say clithanger, of Rocky's career. That is, that's impressive. I'm furious. I'm definitely back next week. You've got that as a Cooper guarantee. You are on a weak rolling contract, so I'm glad.

So if people are up in arms, and they will be, Jamie. They will. How can they vent and voice their huge frustrations? And give us your theories of what you think has made Belinda cry. Great shout. Great shout. Tweet us at dadwroteporno. We're on Instagram, my dad wrote ah. Maybe do like a little diagram

or sketch of what you think is happening down there with Jim. What is going on between his legs? Hashtag between his legs. I don't think it's going to be anything supernatural, is it? What, like a little ghost? I don't know. Like a Slimer? Oh, maybe it is Stranger Things. Oh, I don't know. Oh going to be anything supernatural, is it? What, like a little ghost? I don't know. Like a Slimer? Oh, maybe it is Stranger Things. Oh, I don't know.

Oh my God. You can also email us for anything that you think can't fit in a tweet. So that's mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com. And of course, we're on Facebook as well. And if you want to remember happier times when Jim Sterling didn't have a problem between his legs, or his problems were smaller, literally, then you can pre-order our book, My wrote a porno of course when we first met him the heyday one of the early chapters the second client i think he was yeah back in that maze that feels

like a lifetime ago a lot of people's favorite chapter of book one but you can have it actually on your shelf or more likely you can like hide it under the bed or wherever you want to keep it yeah that's out late october and you can pre-order it now on amazon or waterstones and anywhere that sells books well that was pretty devastating i can't believe we have to wait a whole week to find out what happened i know should we should we go yeah i'll make sure i lock the door though because let's be honest someone could kidnap us at any point we're worth a lot of money guys