My Dad Wrote A Porno - S2E15 - 'Jim's Secret'

Episode Date: October 10, 2016

It's the biggest cliffhanger since Ross said Rachel's name at the altar - what is between Jim Stirling's legs? The answer lies within - and you'll never guess... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno Remember Belinda, this is between you and me. Belinda nodded. She didn't know what to say. All she could do was reach forward and pull down Jim's thong. Can't he do that?

What could she say? How could she tell Jim what she felt? Tears trickled down her face and Jim held her tenderly in his arms. What's in between his legs? There, there, Belinda. You can learn to deal with this as I have. What? It's only a matter of time

and getting used to new circumstances. What's happened? That's all that matters. What? What is... Don't say that's the end of the chapter. Shut up. That's not the end of the chapter!

Hello everybody and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. We are going to find out what the hell is in between Jim Sterling's legs. James, Alice, what do you think it is? This has been the longest week of my life waiting to find out. So many questions from so many people. I've gathered some theories. Oh, great. Oh, well done. What, from Twitter, emails? Exactly, from a bit of everything. Okay. It sent Twitter alight. I know.

Couldn't keep up. People were even considering buying Blinder Blink 2 and you know things are desperate. Let's not make rash calls in times of... Oh, no one actually bought it, don't worry emotion can make you do weird things uh so james emailed us a few theories good name um that either jim has shaved or tattooed his private penis area into the visage of belinda so he's kind of like topiary topiary or i've got a full-on tattoo on his like... Oh, sorry, I see. Exactly. Maybe a combination of both.

Maybe the face with ink and then the hair with pubes. Either way, romantic. Certainly enough to induce tears. Oh, yeah, forgetting about the tears, because that throws you off the scent. Exactly. Well, this theory kind of ties in with the tears that Jim has put a wedding ring over his tiny willy tip

and Belinda is crying because she's getting proposed to oh my god that is such a gesture that's amazing if the first line of this chapter is I do he needs to get some sort of t-shirt or tote or mug not a proposal story you want to share though afterwards oh he put the ring on his dick in the middle of the night in a hotel also how I was not saying how big's the, but we know how small the penis is, so it could be a normal-sized finger ring, couldn't it? Okay, fine. It's an A.

Is that how they went? Someone's suggesting he's had a sex change, which is actually the theory I've kind of come up with. I think that's the most likely. I think Jim's had a sex change. Do you think? The language about adapting to a new life and the emotion of it,

you know, that felt like like if that is the case and belinda's the first person that he's shared this with and she bursts into tears is that a sensitive way to deal with the matter yeah you should be like woohoo go go you sister yeah welcome to the glee team oh yeah he would be part of the glee team technically and then someone just guessing that he's like had a Brazilian while he was in Brazil but it whipped off the vole as well as his pubes so it just took everything. Because you wouldn't notice would you?

No. You'd just throw away the strip. Yeah So there's been a real breadth of theories That's quite the range. Yeah. Okay well what I forgot to do last week in the whole kind of flurry of excitement of it being the first ever cliffhanger in Blind Blink. Cliffhanger, please.

Sorry. Was tell you the name of the chapter. Oh, yeah. We were so furious with you at the end of the last chapter. So we didn't even care. We were just out of the building because we were like, if you're not going to read it, what's the point? Alice and I went to the pub and had a massive bitch about you.

What else was new? A lot of stuff came to life. So what is chapter called well do you know what i might just read it just go for it as the intro no preview to the chapter oh shit okay belinda blink 2 chapter 15 jim's secret so would have given literally nothing away so exciting though okay are we ready i'm actually beside myself let me just get in position so belinda blink 2 chapter 15 jim's secret oh my god. Jim. I'm so pleased for you. What?

How did you do it? It's penis enlargement. He's added extension. Do we think it's a pump or do we think he's actually had something sewn on? Oh, I don't know the technicalities of it. I just presume that you add a bit on the end. I just imagined it was a way to get someone's credit card details online.

I know, I always thought it was a scam. I don't think it's a real thing, is it? I've never got one of those emails and thought, that's the cheapest price yet. How did you do it? Well, it wasn't easy. Firstly, I had to come to terms with my problem. Don't forget you're from Texas.

No, I know, but I feel like I've done it now, so I'm kind of in it. Maybe that's homework for next week. Towards the end of the chapter last week, you said something like, circumstances! Like you were from... I don't even know where that is. My American mate did text me saying that the accent was wonderfully incoherent.

It is generic, but I think you can get away with generic. I feel like he's gone a bit Tom Cruise as well, don't you feel? Like intense action. Yeah, exactly. Belinda, we've got 10 minutes to get out of the building. My dick is going to blow. I think it might.

Firstly, I had to come to terms with my problem. Not that I saw it as a problem, but I have to kind of admit that my meeting with you in that maze resolved my mind to do something positive i've been doing some research over the previous few months and a doctor pal of mine kindly came up with a solution he's totally had it enlarged and he's also turned jewish it's not jewish is it it's like um it's like italAmerican, I feel like is what it is. I'm so sorry, everyone. It's like, you know when, what's his name? Khan. James Khan. James Khan is in the terrible film Mickey Blue Eyes.

Mickey Blue? Yeah. I'm totally Mickey Blue. You've gone Mickey Blue. James, you can be Hugh Grant. Oh, thank you. Alice, you're Gillian Triplehorn. I'm quite pleased with that.

We know what continent you're aiming for, so I think it's fine. Okay. I've been doing some research over the previous few months and a doctor pal of mine kindly came up with a solution. Not that it was inexpensive, mind you. Anyways, the only place to go

was Brazil. So he went to Brazil for the... Is that a stereotype that loads of surgery happens in Brazil? I've never heard of that before. I feel like people go for boob jobs and stuff though. Yeah, I think so. And they have like bum lifts and stuff yeah they love the bum lift yeah yeah i still don't believe it's a thing i mean we're still presuming because he hasn't actually confirmed yet but you can have surgery to make your penis bigger well you just said something about a pump what's the pump so a friend told me about it no like oh it's like austin powers and things it's

like a penis pump and you create like a vacuum. I don't use any of Austin Powers as a genuine medical reference. Everything in Austin Powers is absolutely guaranteed to work. No, no, I don't think they work, but they exist. I think maybe people use them to get themselves a bit more excited before. A pump? A pump. So it's like a tube and it fits over your penis and then it's got a little, well, a pump.

Stop doing that. You don't need to do the pump action. And it sucks all the air out and it just pulls the penis. Sucks all the air out? Of where? Of what? Your lungs. Whatever you're doing with some like makeshift balloon pump, stop doing it.

I'm so glad that you didn't pursue that career in medicine, James. I think the whole world is heaving a sigh of relief. Look. I feel like James has made something out of some extra airbed parts that he uses before a night in. Get ready to get some tweets, guys. That's all I'm saying. Anyways, the only place to go was Brazil.

So I signed up with a clinic in the Amazon and just went there. In the Amazon! Oh my God. Why are you under the boat down in the Amazon and just went to the Amazon. Oh my God. Why are you under the boat down the Amazon? What's wrong with Rio? Some little tribe in the middle of nowhere giving him a penis extension. Maybe they specialise in like an herbal penis extension.

Well, guys, Belinda says, an untried medical procedure in Brazil? You were very brave, Jim. Stupid. Yeah. And very brave, Jim. Stupid. Yeah, and very, very desperate. I thought we just said it wasn't a problem. And I still am. Why? What's happened?

Jim started to caress Belinda's breasts. Oh, he's still desperate for loving. We still haven't established what's down there. If this is what's happened, you would say it out loud. Why are they skirting around? But I guess it's the sort of thing that if everyone in the room can see something, you don't have to mention it.

Yeah, but Rocky, like, think of your audience. Spell it out. I know, we're so far into the chapter, and people's desires for the cliffhanger are not yet sated. Oh, maybe this is deliberate, though. Maybe he's eking it out. Someone did say on Twitter, oh my God, everyone's worried about the cliffhanger.

It's Rocky Flintstone. You won't find out in book two. So true. Yeah, and very, very desperate. And I still am. Jim started to caress Belinda's breasts. Belinda pulled him over to the bed and started to stimulate his monster dick.

He's got a monster prick. He's got a monster dick. He's got a monster prick. He's got a monster prick. He's got a... Oh, it's just two lines. It's always two lines. So he's gone from teeny, teeny, tiny to hedge. It is hedge. It's a monster.

He's got a monster prick. He's got a monster prick.'s just a monster prick beautifully done that time and see um wow yeah she was sobbing seconds ago she's like get on that bed so she was it was tears of joy it was like i can't wait to get that in me i feel like he's lost his like his tiny dick was his defining feature now he's just a guy now it's just a guy. Now he's just another guy with a massive dick. Boring. Poor Jim. Can't get it right. Seriously, you're never happy,

James. Can't do right for doing wrong. Seriously! Belinda pulled him over to the bed and started to stimulate his monster dick with her hands. So you know how the Duchess had a monster prick and he's got a monster dick? Is there a difference? I think maybe his is the Godzilla

And hers was the Cyclops What other monsters are there in the world? Maybe it's to do with one eye Has he had a full on transplant? Is that a thing? Do you remember Belinda joked Maybe he needs a cock transplant So he's not just had his extended

He's had his removed And a new one put on So he's not just had his extended, he's had his removed and a new one put on. So it's somebody else's penis? Oh my God. Does it have a mind of its own? It's like a zombie penis. That's book three sorted. It's just a monster prick. He's got a monster prick.

You both sing different lyrics, so get it right if you're going to do it. It's a harmony. That's what a harmony is? That's what a harmony is? That's what a harmony is, okay? So learn to do a harmony, basically, is what you've learned today. I still can't believe that you have a number one single.

He's just a monster prick. Where is the monster prick? Literally a travesty. Belinda pulled him over to the bed and started to stimulate his monster dick with her hand. As she did so, some of the skin fell to the ground. Fell to the ground? Why is it flaking away?

What? To be fair, it could be sunburn. Sometimes it flakes when you're sunburned. No, it is. It's a zombie dick. Oh, God. Belinda quickly backed off. Jim, I'm sorry. Have I damaged it?

Nope. It's all part of the restorative process. Surely you should give it six weeks before you get back into acting. It sounds like he's just come back and the cast is still on. It's raw. Yeah. Definitely don't go for a swim or dip it in anywhere. It's going to get infected.

Oh, God. It's raw. Yeah. Definitely don't go for a swim or dip it in anywhere. It's going to get infected. Oh, oh, God. It's going to be gangrenous. I must admit, I felt like a snake when I first got out of the operating theatre. There was loose skin all over the place. Oh, my God. I just choked. I genuinely just choked. What was that in your throat?

Well, Alice, she's with you because Belinda blinked. Drink. Drink. You would. You'd take a second look. Could she really accept any amount of loose skin inside her vagina? Oh, no. Obviously not. Ask yourself the question, though. Obviously. Perhaps it would attach itself to her and start to regenerate.

Could she live life with a monster dick like Jim's? What? So the zombie thing is... It is a monster dick. She's got a monster dick. She's called the monster dick. Sorry, too many lines. So the monster bit refers to it being a monster from the deep.

It is actually a zombie because she's saying if a bit flakes off, it'll grow another bit like a starfish. It's like contagion. Everyone's going to start growing monster dicks. Men and women. I mean, it's obviously not though because that's not possible. But what is she thinking?

Belinda is just silly. But she's gone mad. Is this one of her jokes? Because I don't get it. Again. You know when people say they've got a checklist where they're like, oh, my thing is like, they have to have good skin

or they have to have good hair or, you know, you're kind of like a vanity checklist. I love that she's just gone, how much flaky skin can I endure? Like, that's a thing that you'd be okay with. Somebody just disintegrating within you. Dick dandruff. Oh, dick dandruff! He sounds cute.

Oh, dick dandruff. He, Dick Dandruff. He sounds cute. Dick Druff. He needs some head and shoulders. He needs some... What's the, like... Head and shoulders, yeah. Could she live life with a monster dick like Jim's? She resolved to go for it. I bet she did.

What the fuck? She'd always liked the name Richard anyway. Dick. What? fuck? She'd always liked the name Richard anyway. Dig. What? This is madness. He's written this one, honestly, like on a bus ride. He's had like two minutes. He's just written this down really quick.

Yeah, he let someone else write this. He's had too many paracetamol. He had a headache. He's like off his rocker. High on Calpol. Yeah, he's on the 12 plus though. The hard stuff. Belinda started to give Jim a blow job.

She made sure she started with plenty of saliva. She still didn't have the confidence Jim did that the whole thing might just dissolve like an ice lolly. I'm not thinking melt. I'm thinking like sheets of Parma ham. Just dropping off. Or Par ham. Or parmesan. Or shavings of parmesan. Oh God, why is she bothering?

Or like, you know, like a phyllo pastry pie. Just like flaking off gradually. Like a packet of skips. A back lover. Don't put people off Turkish sweet treats. They've got nothing left. They can't have mayo anymore. Oh, as if loads of people are eating back lover as they listen got nothing left. They can't have mayo anymore. Oh, as if loads of people are eating back lovers when they listen to this podcast.

Hello to all our Turkish fans. However, it was fine. The few bits of loose skin that did get stuck in her teeth... Oh, my God! ...would easily be dislodged when she brushed and flossed in the morning. In the morning? Shall we do it straight after you've done it?

Straight to the bathroom, fucking disinfect your mouth. Oh, God, this is disgusting. This is horrible, isn't it? I know we go on about, you know, the scenarios he cooks up aren't always erotic, but this is... This is grade A grim. This is grade A grim.

There's nothing, like, my penis has dropped off while we've been talking about this. We met a friend recently, didn't we, and penis has dropped off while we've been talking about this. We met a friend recently, didn't we? And she said that she'd had to have a breather. After Helga turns it on. After Helga turns it on. That was pretty gross.

This is repulsive. This is next level. Now suitably aroused, Jim felt ready for a bit more action. He slowly pushed Belinda back onto the bed. Spread her willing legs, and entered her. At least

75% of him did. The rest lay in tatters on the bed. He groaned in ecstasy. He, at last, experienced what every single other man in the world had been enjoying. It felt fantastic. Right, right, right, right, right.

Every single other man in the world. Let's explore the... Logistics? Logistics, the medical side of this. Okay. Because you're quite the expert to do so. It sounds like a transplant. Yeah.

When you have a transplant, you have to connect the nerves. Of course. And they don't just like suddenly attach and you can just suddenly... He had it done days ago. Days ago. Well, hang on. Do we know that, though? And you don't know if the body's going to...

Oh, yeah. She was in the maze about a week ago. Exactly. And you don't know if the body's going to reject the new penis. It sounds like it is. Belinda's not, though. That's all that's all that matters but yeah you're right i mean generally when you have surgery it's weeks if not months of recovery time but that's not just to get full functionality that's like because you're in abject pain yeah and things need to like heal up and settle i feel like settle is a good word it hasn't settled it? What if it snaps off while he's inside her?

It sounds too soft to snap. No, he's fully aroused. It just comes away. Slowly, inch by inch, Jim continued his penetration of Belinda's vagina. He felt her cervix muscles expand. Don't get me started. As he pushed through to her

ovary. No. Fuck off. Come on, Rocky. Fuck off. Are you shocked anymore? No, but he's pushed through the cervix. With his zombie cock that got refitted yesterday. Refitted? Oh my god, he thinks it's

just like an extension on a house. Oh god. He thinks the's just like an extension on a house. Oh, God. He thinks the cervix is a conservatory. Belinda exhaled and thought she could have saved thousands of pounds on that personal trainer if she'd known about Jim's op. Never mind.

It was all for the good. She could lie back and enjoy the ride. She never lies back and enjoys the ride. She's become a pillow princess. You're obsessed with pillow princesses. It's my new favourite term. It's my term du jour of 2016. Which means you just lie there and just enjoy, is that right?

Just take it. Yeah, you just kind of let all the good things come to you, or bad things in Belinda's case. Once Jim had reached full penetration, he started to gyrate his new cock. You would, wouldn't you? You'd be like, yes. It's like getting a new car, isn't it?

Take it out for a spin. It's like, just round the block. Let's see what it can do. It's gone this end. Yeah, because he won't know what it can do. There'll be features that he's not aware of. How do you gyrate a penis? Like, side to side?

Yeah, I guess kind of like a swing. Because with the vole, I mean, you wouldn't have noticed, would you? I mean, there's like, you can gyrate all you want, but nothing's moving. It's just run for cover. You wouldn't have noticed, would you? I mean, you can gyrate all you want, but nothing's moving. It's just run for cover. You don't have to feel sympathy for him anymore.

He's a new man. Well, I feel bad that he feels like he had to get a transplant. Yeah. Well, exactly. And we were only joking. The main thing about the vole was that it was lying in that nest of pubic hair. That was my main objection. The size was irrelevant to me, really.

It was how repulsively it was described. You know, he can't have been that bad because Belinda did fly all the way to Texas to see him again. He took it easy at first. He didn't really want it to detach itself inside Belinda. They can't have said that at the hospital. They can't have said, go for it, if you're cool with it maybe detaching.

If he can feel while they're having sex, he can feel the incredible pain of it detaching. Like, you're not supposed to swim two hours after you've eaten. Surely, like, the day after you've had a cock transplant, you're not supposed to shag. Is there no, like, user manual at this hospital? Have they not given him any guidance? Brazil, all that bureaucracy and no manual.

I mean, I feel terrible because I'm sure Brazil has wonderful hospitals, but I feel like where he's gone is just the pits. Well, the Amazon isn't known for its medical care. For its aftercare, yeah. Oh, Lord. He didn't really want it to detach itself inside Belinda. Or, he suddenly thought, any other female for that matter. Great.

Because he's going to get all the ladies now. Do you think he'll just leave his flies open and just let it hang out? Is that what you do if you're proud of how endowed you are? Just let it flop out? That's not a normal thing to do, is it? Or, he suddenly thought, any other female for that matter. Wow, that was more like the old Jim Sterling. At last his confidence was returning. Exactly.

That's like a poem. Oh, yeah. Wow, that was more like the old Jim Sterling. At last his confidence was returning. Exactly. It's like a poem. Wow. That was more like the old Jim Sterling. At last his confidence was returning. Is that a haiku? I believe it is. Own each step with Peloton.

From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks and hikes, led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner. Peloton all access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. With a leap of faith and a strong desire to fuck Belinda... And Dad's now taken to spelling Belinda with an E-R just this whole chapter.

Oh, fine. Even if it's not dialogue. Said by Jim. Great. With a leap of faith and a strong desire to fuck Belinda, Jim quickly got into his rhythm. After a few seconds, he threw caution to the winds and really got stuck in. The crosswinds.

The southeasterly and the northwesterly. Oh, God, he's suddenly got a load of gusto, hasn't he? Hasn't he? Very active. Belinda, too, was waiting for disaster. Where's Belinda, too? Hello, I am Belinda, too. It's awkward if I stay? Where's Belinda 2? Hello, I am Belinda 2. It's awkward if I stay?

Where's she from? Oh, I was doing robot. You were doing like Eastern European woman. I wasn't. I was also doing robot. Honest. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a Belinda cloak. I can't cope with one of her. Seriously, can you imagine how much more shagging she'd do?

I think we're pushing the advancements of medicine enough for one chapter, actually, without a cloak. I can't cope with one of her. Seriously, can you imagine how much more shagging she'd do if... I think we're pushing the advancements of medicine enough for one chapter, actually, without a clone. If you clone something as well, don't they pick quite carefully? And they're normally a sheep, aren't they? Yeah, but they don't just go, oh, she turned up. Yeah, they're usually quite selective. Belinda, too, was waiting for disaster.

She just couldn't help but think what the emergency ward team would say if she was stretched through to casualty. Why is everybody thinking about disaster? Because you don't generally have a great time sexually when you're thinking, Oh God, I wonder what's going to happen. Imagining yourself on a gurney. Why? Or is it the sense of excitement that she may be,

she's kind of reached a peak with normal sexual experiences, so she needs something that's a bit more extreme. Yeah, but this is like the other extreme. Because can you imagine coffee morning with Bella and Giselle? She'd love it. She'd be like, you'll never guess what happened. What a weekend. Somebody shagged me so hard they left a dick in me.

Oh, my God. Talk about Ritz-Bar Gosselin. Oh, she would love to tell this story. God, imagine going to hospital with a dick left inside you. Oh, God. God, whole dick. She just couldn't help but think what the emergency ward team would say when she was stretched through to casualty.

She would obviously be conscious. Did she have the guts to explain what surgical procedure was needed? God, she thought, how do explain what surgical procedure was needed? God, she thought, how do I get myself in these situations? Why me and not Bella or Giselle? What am I like? So she's imagining somebody might call an ambulance, I presume him or her, and she'd have to go to A&E and be like,

if you've seen it once, you've seen it a thousand times. So what's happened is my current boyfriend, he's had a bit of a botched job on his penis and he's left it in me. But she's saying she'd have to suggest to them the procedure that would be required. You go to A&E and go, I don't want to tread on toes, but I'd just get a spoon and scoop it out. Oh, you do your thing though. You do your thing.

I've done a diagram. I hope it's helpful. Exactly. It's like, who are you? Jim kept fucking. Belinda flexed her vagina lightly. It's just a light flex. She wanted Jim to fully complete his experience and thought he had had enough thrusting for his first trip out. I'm just nervous he's going to come dust or something.

It's just going to and just all just go just flakes. So gross. Bonito tuna flakes. Stop it. Tuna flakes. What?

Fish food. Fish food. Like little papery fish food. Oh yeah, that you dusted on top. Yeah. Oh God, what? Confetti.

Like a confetti cannon. Oh my God, it'd be like a Coldplay concert. I hear you. Oh God. It happened quickly. Too quickly for Belinda. Oh.

And suddenly she was swimming. Swimming? What? Swimming. In a sea. What? Of pale blue semen. What? What? I literally have no pale blue semen. What?

I literally have no words to explain. Pale blue? Is he coming bleach? Toilet duck. Spray that round the rim. Get a couple of uses out of you. Oh, God. Oh, no. Jim's big cock, now so handsomely matched with his big balls,

had exploded. He's got a monster dick, he's got a monster dick. Jim was swaying all over the place. Oh, God. Belinda caught his stocky arms and held him firm whilst orgasming herself. What a multitasker. Nothing puts her off either. Oh, it's blue. I have just come. That is really creeping me out.

A loud roar engulfed the room. Speller. Jim Sterling had come. Cool. Yeah, we knew that, didn't we? It wasn't like what all the blue stuff was. Jim Sterling had come. What, for the first time ever? Did he not come as the vault? No, I think he did. Yeah, we knew that, didn't we? It wasn't like what all the blue stuff was. Jim Sterling had come. What, for the first time ever? Did he not come as the vault?

Maybe. No, I think he did. Yeah, he came everywhere. Yeah, he did. Because it was like, where has he got all that from? And it's because he had massive balls. A reservoir down there. Do you remember?

It was an absolute deluge. He slumped onto the bed beside Belinda and gasped for air. After about a minute, his breathing subsided. Subsided? Or calmed down? Subsided. And he died.

A happy man. And he passed away, blue in the face, like his cum. After about a minute, his breathing subsided, and Belinda wiped the sweat and tears from his face.

What a train wreck. Nothing sexier than a man who cries after sex. Well, the only thing sexier is somebody who comes blue and who's ticking all of the boxes, so... Belinda, that was just dandy. Dandy? Oh, no. Belinda laughed in relief.

She got up and inspected Jim's nether regions for any sign of permanent damage. Everything seemed to be subsiding nicely. Why is everything subsiding? His new equipment was lying back in its proper place and even the foreskin had automatically resumed its protective position. Why does it sound robotic maybe it is robocock it's actual robocock i bet there's a porn film called robocock

that's why james was so quick off the top yeah he was like yes i'm sure there is there she is again melinda too this is so silly it's it just silly. I'm not even grossed out because it's just so ludicrous. It's ridiculous. Jim, I know this is a dumb question to ask just now. There's so many dumb questions to ask right about now. Nothing's a dumb question after what's just happened. Jim, I know this is a dumb question to ask just now, but why is your semen fluorescent blue? Thank you. Finally. Well, Belinda, money isn't really a problem.

You see, we have this new utensil supplier who's going to make us so much money, I might as well spend some of it. The blue semen package wasn't much of an add-on, but it was really expensive, so I figured it was sort of unique. Can I just say, and this is perhaps far too late in the game, Rocky's creative. And I think it's admirable. Misguided though, right? Well, this isn't like porn genre. This is like sci-fi.

Yeah, this has gone into a really weird realm, hasn't it? Someone emailed us a theory actually talking like sci-fi yeah this has gone into a really weird realm hasn't it there's uh someone emailed us a theory actually talking about sci-fi the reason belinda blinks so infrequently is because she's actually an alien and she's here collecting information for her home planet wow i mean she's barking up the wrong tree with jim because that he's not a normal human but well he's a cyborg himself like what's going on so i mean yeah who knows he could be starting to take us on a path into kind of more fantasy sci-fi i feel like by this point he was like i've sewn porn up like i know how to write this so he's like diversifying now he's like there'll be another chapter that's like detectives like he he just feels like he can

turn his hand to anything so this is a weird hybrid yeah well it was getting a bit gangster earlier on wasn't it like he tries his hand at everything yeah

I guess he's like just throwing enough shit at a wall for it just to be covered in shit to make a lovely shit mural oh

but it was really expensive so I figured it was sort of unique it's definitely unique. Belinda fell back in amazement. Fell back? Didn't he go to the middle of the Amazon for some unregistered procedure? And clearly it backfired.

Yeah, I feel like this was bargain basement surgery at best. And why would you choose to have blue cum? It just isn't something that you'd want, surely. And he's saying it like there's a catalogue. They're like, now this is quite expensive but um we've seen people get great results like people love it but also it's the biggest tell you've had a penis enlargement yeah you've got blue cum it's like can't just fly under the radar and think god he's very well endowed very talented man there oh no he's got blue cum so he's definitely had that procedure in the amazon it's like in the olden days when like you could have a filling and you could choose your color

of filling like if anything if i had a penis transplant i'd want my semen like whitening i'd want like bright white semen so i seem like young and virile don't you just want it to look normal why is everybody trying to change the color of their semen like you say it's not the sort of thing that you're like yeah guys you probably heard penis enlargement down here and fluorescent blue it's like CSI all over again I was going to say they wouldn't need the UV light

they could just see it straight off the bat on the bed Jim Sterling's been here do you know when people were predicting they would never ever ever

have predicted this and also you didn't read out some of the more stupid theories because you were like I don't want this to go down in the ridiculous route. That is the one thing about Rocky, he'll take you places

you never thought you'd ever go. God. Or want to return to. Anyone else wish he did have his foal waxed off now? Any of the other options you gave,

any of them? Belinda fell back in amazement and guffawed. Guffawed? I don't blame her. She just, she laughs at the

most ridiculous things. No, come on, give her that one. Like, she's probably just taken a second

and gone, this is ludicrous and just couldn't control herself. Or, Jim Sterling was certainly quickly becoming her

type of guy. And the little reference to business matters had not gone unnoticed. Oh, because he's mixing in business and pleasure,

or business and whatever just happened. Jim, you are amazing. How do you do it? Do what? How do you be so weird? Well, it's all about having good friends and associates, and the odd girlfriend just like you. What is going on?

Why are they now having a normal chat? He's half man, half robot. She's not even commented on it. Yeah, I'd be like, I've got so many questions. Stop calling me your girlfriend. I'm definitely not your girlfriend. We thought he was weird before because of the vole in the hole. Now we're just genuinely like, I don't know what this man is.

Oh my God, did he call her his girlfriend? Yeah. Oh, get a grip. I never thought I'd ever long for Peter Rouse in a sink. Even Dr. Robbins. Oddly, I am. I wouldn't go that far. Well, it's all about having good friends and associates

and the odd girlfriend just like you. Belinda smiled, agreed and said fancy another test run why not belinda hey thinking about it let's do it doggy style this time that is repulsive i can't your dad just wrote doggy style this is he must have just wrote it down the pub or something. Doggy style. Oh, my God. Doggy style is Vag from Behind. Yeah. Okay, cool. Well done, James. Thank you.

God, where did you learn that? I've been researching in between episodes. Vag from Behind is a thing I'd rather you never, ever said again. Vag from Behind. And with a really coy face. That's Vag from Behind? VFB, right? Fancy a little VFB?

Oh, man. Belinda got on to all fours and Jim positioned himself just right for his second foray of the night. I feel sick. This is actually one of the moments where I feel like it's come into such clarity that your dad wrote it. Yeah. Because doggy style is such an un-parent thing to say.

Yes. I saw Rocky at the weekend and he did not, he had a twinkle in his eye. I think he knew what was about, where we were about to read and he was like. Did he mention doggy style? He didn't mention anything. He wouldn't. I was trying to get the reveal out of him, but he was not giving me anything.

That's because mom was in there. And also because he probably be like, how long have you got? Mom was like, what podcast? Huh? What's a foray as well? Is it?

I always, I don't know. Going into like the woods. Do you have a foray into the woods? Yeah, I suppose you do. Again, he slowly entered Belinda's pussy. He felt like a man. We've just started just grunting instead.

We're like... The rest of this episode will be purely noises. I just can't engage with it anymore. I think I'll be crying for the rest of it and the foreseeable future. Again, he slowly entered Belinda's pussy. He felt like a man revisiting the house where he had grown up as a child. Everything was the same, but different. He was now grown up, a fully matured male what a horrible metaphor

belinda's vagina is the house on the prairie going home for christmas he's gonna have such a different feel now once he'd made sure belinda was comfortable he started started to thrust. This time, Belinda felt more... See, there's just inconsistencies everywhere. I also like, after he made sure she was comfortable, like, what's he done? Like, put a blanket over her and, like, given her a hot water bottle and been like,

you cosy? Oh, right, let's begin. Maybe knee pads, it's doggy style. Oh, my. But on a bed. Yeah. This time, Belinda felt more reassured with Jim's massive penis firmly penetrating her. Oh, for God's sake. But minutes ago, she was worried it was going to drop off. Why is she now so confident?

Well, it's worked once. You know, why wouldn't it again? They've done a test run. She gently repositioned her ass to give him greater access and satisfaction. That's good of her. Truth be told, this time she wanted to orgasm before Jim. Oh. You don't generally orgasm after.

Like, she orgasmed, like, when he was out of her, and, like, she touched his arm, and she was just like, woo! We're going to see more of that blue slime, aren't we? It's like Ghostbusters. It's horrible. It's like ectoplasm. Do you think it's the normal consistency or do you think it does have a kind of slightly stretchy, like... Yeah, like flubber.

Yeah, exactly. One of his less saluted films. Belinda Blink-3 is going to be the story of a big mound of Jim Sterling's semen. Oh, God. I wouldn't put it past him. Can you believe that your dad essentially just made you say that sentence?

Like, did you think last year that you'd be saying that sentence into a microphone? Let's just all take stock, shall we? What a wonderful world we live in. I was head girl, for God's sake. All gone down the pan. I had high hopes. I had dreams.

We've all got degrees, and look at us now. I've got a first for god's sake it's not worth the paper it's written on anymore mum and dad think I'm at pottery class oh god

all that light blue semen exploding over her could be off-putting to a girl but she didn't want to deflate Jim too much on his

first night out night out of band on his first night out. Night out of bandages. His first night out of being an inpatient. He should be in bed with a sling around his cock. And probably on a drip or something. Yeah. A sling around his cock. You know, like when they put a leg in a sling,

I feel like he's just have a little version or a massive version, clearly, of that. And attached to the ceiling still. Yeah. He's holding it out straight. On a tourniquet. The pace picked up. Jim's cock was rubbing her clit just right. No, it wasn't.

And Belinda gave in to nature. Gave in. Did she? Call of nature. She is a woodland trail. Look at that. Not once, but twice. Oh, I see.

Before the inevitable loo ejaculation cut across her dreams. Cut across... Oh, for God's sake. Let's read that one in context shall we guys what beautiful poetry the pace picked up Jim's cock was rubbing her clit just right and Belinda gave in to nature

not once but twice before the inevitable blue ejaculation cut across her dreams come on like a shooting star you cut across my dreams the first time i saw you with your blue jizz you make my dreams come blue come on brilliant can't fault it your dad wrote that and thought that's fucking beautiful he thought that's gorgeous he's going for the man

booker with that one do you think he was crying as he wrote that? He was like, I can't believe this. He thought those e-book buyers are not gonna believe it. This is my citizen cane. Probably did. Lin-Manuel Miranda says, he sometimes writes a line and he has to go to the Google to check that no one's written it before. It's so good. I bet your dad thought that.

Fuck me. That is taken now. They both flopped back onto the bed and fell asleep exhausted. This time, Belinda didn't even blink. She's asleep, you idiot. It's one long blink. And that is the end of the chapter. Fucking good.

I mean, what do you say? What do you say about Avatar come? I mean, seriously. He's essentially managed to ground the podcast for that one. I'd be surprised if people don't demand we don't come back next week. We got too cocky. We were like, he's a genius. Elijah Wood told us he was a genius.

Tom Middleditch told us he was a genius Tom Middleditch told us he was a genius loads of people have been like this guy this material he's still got duffs in him this chapter is bilge

and what we should do with it is bury it should we not put this one out let's just keep this to ourselves that's always an option oh my god I think I think it would create

more mystique to not put it out the reveal was so shit guys we just thought we'd save you all the 30 minutes we get a vote each come on come on you boys um how are you feeling jamie please you come back next week oh next week can only be a high because the chapter is called a bit of spaghetti sauce And just like that, he's back. He's back. A bit of spaghetti sauce.

A bit of spaghetti sauce. Oh, that is brilliant. And if this chapter is not an incentive to buy our book, My Dad Wrote a Porno, I don't know what is. Honestly, this has got to be the best advert because anything to not listen to this chapter. Any distraction. It's out in like a matter of days now.

I'm so excited. Yeah, it's like just 17 days, something like that. That's insane, isn't it? It's beautiful. It's a ruby red. It's a lovely fluorescent blue colour. It's gorgeous. Well, it's splattered in that for some reason.

It's actually the colour of a spaghetti sauce, Jamie. Bright red. Yeah, it's like the colour of a spaghetti sauce Jamie bright red and yeah it's like jam packed full of like extra bits it's got all of Belinda Blink One but it's got like

notes from Rocky it's got a quiz it's got the full rules for the drinking game and it would be amazing amazing if you could pre-order it yeah because

we want to get Rocky in the charts like yeah I think it would be nice for him Herb Alpert's had his moment. Exactly. I mean, at least top 100, right?

Surely. Thousand, yeah. Top 100,000 books. So if you guys pre-order it, then that goes into our sales for that week and that will be mega for Rocky. Yeah, he is really excited. A telegram to say, you're in the chart.

He'd be over the moon, wouldn't he? I mean, he doesn't deserve it after that chapter, but this is book one, so... This is the first pup of book two. Yeah, and it's been a long time coming, so... Yeah, so just give him the benefit of the doubt. Buy this beautiful edition of book one, and you will not be sorry.

You will be sorry, but... And in the meantime, before next week, get in touch with us on Twitter, at DadWriterPorno, Instagram, at MyDadWroteHer. We're on Facebook. Just search for MyDadWroteAPorno and you will find us. And it'd be great if you have any other longer queries, questions, thoughts, emotions that you want to put down.

Just email us, MyDadWroteAPorno at gmail.com. Yeah, we love reading them. We can't reply to everything. We get a lot of emails, but we do love reading your emails. Exactly. So until next week. I'm not coming next week. What?

I can't do this again. I have an appointment at the office building. Well, you can't leave me on my own. Okay, do you know what I'll do? I'll just print out the pages, leave it on a park bench somewhere, and you can find it on your own. Yeah. It's the best bet.

We should have done that from the get go if pigeons eat it so be it