My Dad Wrote A Porno - S2E2 - 'Amsterdammmm'

Episode Date: July 11, 2016

Belinda makes her first trip to Europe to secure a lucrative deal with Peter Rouse. Before she meets him, she encounters some new, interesting characters with their own sexual agendas... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Picture this, you're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously, on My Dad Wrote a Porno Surely Belinda has Stockholm Syndrome too because she had a great old time in the maze and loved the Duchess. Pot kettle, Belinda. People in glass houses shouldn't shag in mazes. Do you know what I mean?

Well, then they started to kiss me all over and eventually one of them called Kevin started to lick my pussy. Another called Danny massaged my tits and a third called Sean kissed my ass. Kissed my ass. Kissed my ass, Sean. And speaking of which which interrupted Belinda how did you lose your hair

hello Belinkas it's that time again I'm here with James and Alice hi guys how have your weeks been good hollow without a bit of Belinda in my life

I'm glad we're back in the flow though it feels like there was a long time where we were without new material from Rocky and now everyone has got their calendar set Monday's porno day sorted it's like the end of Lent it's great we are just binging on porn I can't wait to get back into the book so how did we think first chapter went guys it didn't disappoint put it that way i was i was pretty pleased mainly with your singing to be honest i'm mortified by that i'm so sorry because also i didn't even know the words so i was just kind of a lot of humming yeah he said it was a well-known ditty and then knew only the title words i've subsequently really listened to my parents recording of it it's something about the old mountain time is uh one

of the lyrics it's just such a old mountain time is one of the lyrics. It's just such a beautiful sound. It almost doesn't need words. So are you guys ready then? Yeah, let's go. Belinda Blink 2, Chapter 2, Amsterdam.

Doesn't get better with time. That makes it sound like the plane's going down the way you say it. I think it's more meant to be like Amsterdam. Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Try again. Amsterdam. That, I'm terribly sorry. Try again.

Amsterdam. That's my street. Wonderful. It's as street as I go. Have you got your passport, Al? Boarding pass ready. She won't get through security. What do you think Belinda will?

A zinc line case with a massive dildo in it. Surely that's on the list of things that's dangerous to carry in hand luggage. That's going to set everything off. That screams hold luggage. Check it. For goodness sake, check it. She needs to check it. Before she wrecks it.

Seatbelt light on. Extra legroom seat, please. Mile High Club. Mile High Club. Potentially she's going to be in the Mile High Club. Oh God. She'll literally just do it in the aisle or in a seat. On the trolley, do you think?

Yeah. She'll just recline a seat. She'll be like, here we go. Okay, are we ready? Bel blink 2 chapter 2 amsterdam sorry just before we start in the way that he's done with Paddy O'Hamlin, for example, drawn on Irish stereotypes... Heritage, please. Sorry, heritage. I feel like there's going to be loads of Dutch kind of... Clogs, yeah.

Carrying tulips. Windmills. Yeah, exactly. The works. And I can't wait. There's definitely going to be something on a bike. Well, she has the office bicycle, so... The tyres of the CityJet squealed only once

as Belinda touched down at Schiphol Airport. CityJet. What is a CityJet? That's not an airline, is it? He's thought, I don't want to give any airtime to a proper airline. Because we could get a huge sponsorship deal. Why give it away for free?

He doesn't want to say EasyJet. Well, now you've said it, great. You've blown it. There's 200ml down the drain. Stavros will be on to you, or whatever his name was. Stelios. Stelios. Stavros.

So-called city jet. And I just want to say, there's actually a comma after the word city jet. So it really should read, the tyres of the city jet squealed only once as Belinda touched down at the Skibble airport. Please read it as it's written. We'll never get through it if you do, actually. Seriously, I'm saving you a world of pain here. It was a textbook

landing and Belinda hoped it was a good omen. A textbook landing? If it's not a textbook landing, you've crashed. You've gone very, very wrong. It was a textbook landing and Belinda hoped it was a good omen for her short trip. After collecting her lone suitcase from the baggage haul...

What? It was the only one on the carousel? A chartered flight? It's a private jet? Brackets. Was everyone travelling light these days? Who cares? None of your business. So comment on us not wanting to spend on checked luggage, everyone using their hold. I don't think there's ever been a flight where yours is the only bag on the carousel. Yeah, exactly. Also, how long is she there for that she's got to check?

Oh, it's the zinc line case, isn't it? Ah, of course. It goes with her everywhere. It's her spirit animal. Ew. She's clearly been fannying around, literally. Literally. And everyone's gone and collected their bags and left.

And she's like, mine's the only one on the carousel. And it's like, no, you probably shagged a flight attendant and that took some time and now yours is the only one left. You've been spritzing gin and tonic all over yourself. Not included on that flight. Paid extra for it, Alan. Or she was just stood in a corner

thinking about how textbook the landing was. For 38 minutes. After collecting her loan suitcase from the baggage haul, was everyone travelling light these days? She made her way to the airport exit. A short fat man with a sign saying bloom and tall was leaning against one of the pillars he's gonna get some short and fat so she likes them a wary belinda approached him and asked the obvious question the obvious question in chapter

one book one was when are you gonna fuck me so i'm really scared about what the obvious question. The obvious question in chapter one, book one was, when are you going to fuck me? So I'm really scared about what the obvious question is here. A wary Belinda approached him and asked the obvious question. Are you waiting for me? There's a sign with your name on it. She's the only one there, apparently. Look alive, Belinda. Jesus. If you're from Steeles, Potts and Pans one there, apparently. Look alive, Belinda. Jesus. If you're from Steeles, Pots and Pans, and you're called Blumenthal, then yeah.

Well, yes, because that's how the system works. I write the name of the person I'm picking up, then you approach if you're that person, and then we leave together. She's the worldwide sales director of a Pots and Pans company, and she can barely get in a cab. Well, don't try and do it in a haythrow, for God's sake. I was going to say, she's not used to getting in a cab. The fare's too low Wow

That's great Yes I'm Belinda Blumenthal And I've got a 4pm appointment With your purchasing director Mr Robbins He's the cab driver Yeah

Not the PA He doesn't work for the company He's just a cab driver Her Uber rating is plummeting by the second He's like what an idiot People don't want this idle chit chat You've got a 4pm appointment Belinda Get in the bloody car

I have a 4pm appointment with your purchasing director Mr Robbins New character New character alert Ding ding ding Good And yes you have Let me take your bags

And follow me to the car Get in the car. He's blagging it. He's like, yes, you do. I don't know. Yeah, give a shit. Humoring her. It's like, yeah, yeah, just get in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Might I say a word of welcome to the company? What fantastic breasts and legs you have. What? It's not how you're dressed for. Alice, I love that every single time. You seem so shocked. But it's a cab driver who clearly doesn't work for the company that she's got the appointment at.

So he's not going to be welcoming her to the company, number one. Number two, yes, you can welcome me to the company, but don't comment on my breasts and legs. Like that's not a green light for that. Do you think they put that on a banner at the welcome party? You have fantastic breasts. Welcome to Holland. Some poor bastard's got, you've got a lovely personality. You're a consummate professional.

She'll never get that one. Never. Although in this world, Belinda smiled back at him, wondering if she could show a bit of nipple as a sign of appreciation. Is that what you do? I mean, is that a Dutch thing? Also, what's a bit of nipple? Is it like a little side bit of the areola?

Or do you just make a kind of circle, like an A-OK sign around the nipple, and then you're just seeing the centre? Yeah, the little pointy bit. Yeah. Gross. The actual rivet, if you will. Yeah. There's enough of it.

Belinda smiled back at him, wondering if she should show a bit of nipple as a sign of appreciation. Were all Dutch men as forward as this? Let's bloody hope not. Let's hope so. I want some action. It's so gross and 80s, though. They're not in the car yet. What, having sex?

Well, that. I know I haven't since the 80s. No, more just like, I don't feel like a cab driver now would pick you up from the airport and go, nice tits, nice legs, love, do you want anything put in the boot? That wasn't a euphemism. Can I just stress we're still not in the car? And I feel like the moment we get in the car... Is the meter running?

Oh, fuck. Can I stress that you're getting really stressed out about her not being in the car? James is so tight. He's just thinking, I hope this is on expenses. I hope the worker paid for this. Also, I feel like once we get in the car, we'll then skip like five hours and we'll get straight to the... When James gets a cab,

he doesn't wait for them to stop. He's like, keep moving. I'll just get in as you slow down. Open the door. 30 minutes later. Come on. Vindicated James Cooper. There you go.

I feel like I deserve a round of applause. That's something. Or a bit of nip at least. Oh, sorry. There's your appreciation. Oh, lovely. 30 minutes later, they pulled into a reserved parking space outside a nondescript but very old building

in the Canal District of Amsterdam. It's all Canal District. That would be Amsterdam then, yeah. Yeah, that's famously the city of Amsterdam. She adjusted her brassiere, making sure she covered her wonderful nipples. That's what the brassiere does for you. What was it doing before?

Just hanging down? She will wear it backwards so it just covers the shoulder blades. Which the chauffeur had been inspecting during the drive. Keep your eyes on the road. He'd been inspecting the brassiere? No, her nipples.

So she's pulling up her brassiere. Or down. Oh, let's not get into the mechanics of the bra again. Adjusted. She adjusted her brassiere, which the chauffeur had been inspecting during the drive, and pulled her blouse back over her breasts. She didn't really want to create a bad first impression with all of Peter's staff.

So she shagged him. The high Dutch gables overlooked the very famous Herengraakt, or Gentleman's Canal. Sorry, Herengraakt is Dutch for Gentleman's Canal. I think it probably is. He seems to have done his research on this. Why is there so much lingo in there? Has he spent time there? He has been.

I've been with him. Did you see the Herengraakt of the... We had some lovely crepes. Wonderful. Delightful. Let's see if they make an appearance. Breasts hung like crepes. That like the duchess i know i was just thinking that pancake a bit of nutella we haven't had chocolate body paint yet but i really would not put it past him so they're overlooking the very famous herring gracked or gentleman's canal very famous we've

all heard of it the herring gracked oh Oh yeah, yeah. In Amsterdam, yeah. Yeah, and listeners, if I am pronouncing that incorrectly, please get in touch. In a past life, it was obviously a merchant's warehouse, but today it had been converted to the exclusive head office

of Peter Rouse's international company, where only the executive directors were quartered. The driver opened the car door and Belinda stepped out, making sure he saw... What? Don't linger there. Making sure he saw a long length of thigh with just a peak of thong. And thank the driver once again. A peak of thong? Peak of thong. Peak of thong. She strode boldly across the pavement

and entered through the antique wooden double doors. Drink. Oh, antique. Yeah. The driver had been instructed to take her suitcase to the upmarket Ambersad Hotel, just a few minutes' walk away from the offices. Here, Peter Rouse had reserved one of their exclusive presidential rooms. Presidential? For the First Lady Belinda.

The First Lady of Pots and Pans. Their exclusive presidential rooms for her use during her short trip. Belinda walked across the reception and passed her business card to the pretty blonde lady who was behind the desk. Why? Do you think Belinda just wanders around just handing out business cards down the street? That is how she's climbed this slippery slope of business. She's handing out her business card to everyone she meets. If I had business cards, though, I would give them out all the time.

Rocky's just bought some business cards. Has he? Are they generic ones? Do they even have his name on? They've got more than his name, Alice. What have they got on them? I'll wait for him to give you one tomorrow. How about we'll Instagram it after this episode goes out.

Are they a strong look? Is the design strong? It's beautiful. I feel like it's going to have pomegranates or... Oh, James, you wish. What if it's an actual picture of a vagina? It's like Rocky

you've just gone too far. Is it in the shape of a vagina? The card. A novelty shape, yeah. So yeah, look out for that on Instagram. Belinda walked across to reception

and passed her business card to the pretty blonde lady who was sat behind the desk. Belinda studied her as she operated the computer. Operating the computer? What is it, like the Enigma machine or something? It's Windows 95, isn't it? It definitely is. Belinda studied her as she operated the computer. She reckoned she was about 36 and a natural blonde. The outline of her tight ass peeked out from a knee-length business skirt.

Was she operating the computer with her back to her? And also peeked out? How short is her skirt? Or is it sagging underneath? And how low is the desk that she's working on? Assless chaps? Like, what's she wearing? Peeked out.

Think about it, Rocky. The outline of a tight ass peeked out from a knee-length business skirt. And the legs looked half decent. Half decent. That's like from ankle to knee, good. From knee to thigh, crap. Sorry. I have an appointment with Dr. Robbins at 4pm, Belinda informed the receptionist. She replied by confirming,

What? She just couldn't get used to that corny name of her parent company. Get over it. It's not that corny. Of all of her problems. Yeah, the least of your worries. I mean, if you steal Pots and pans name, it's the least of them. But also, if you grimace every time they say the name of your company,

you're not giving off a great vibe, are you? Exactly. Not a great ambassador for your company. Belinda grimaced. She couldn't get used to the corny name of her parent company yes that's me i think that was all in the delivery uh for everyone listening jamie kind of rolled his eyes he really embodied that oh she's livid at the whole thing. Yes, that's me. So much sass. Is she painting her fingernails at the same time?

It is Amsterdam. Thank you. Please follow me. We'll take the elevator to the first floor and I'll sign you in at that... Use the stairs, you lazy bitch. That's why your legs are half decent. I hate it when people do that at work. They get in the lift, they go, one floor.

So annoying. So annoying. Is that why she's got withered, withered bottom of the legs? Yeah, because she never uses them. She goes from the chair to the lift and back again. She probably stays in the chair. So much judgement. We'll take the elevator to the first floor

and I'll sign you in at that floor's reception. Sorry about all the security but we do get the occasional terrorist threat from time to time. What? As we're a pretty

high profile company. Pots and pans are famously a target for terrorists. Target number one on the ISIS hit list. How do we really get the heart of the country?

Don't let them boil things. That's the last time you'll fry an egg. Want to make pasta? Don't think so. Oh what? Don't have a microwave and want to reheat those beans? I don't think so, sweetheart. Our caterer's been doing it all wrong.

Oh my goodness. We should call John Lewis right now. Warn them. Sorry about all the security, but we do get the occasional terrorist threat from time to time as we're a pretty high profile company. Dr Robbins has been notified you're in the building. Belinda walked across the lift,

glancing at the gently swinging rear end in front of her. Swinging? Sounds like her arse is half decent as well. Swinging arse? Is that like a pendulum on a clock? It's a grandfather clock. Belinda walked across the lift, glancing at the gently... Across the lift? How big's the lift?

Also, why is her arse swinging while she's in the lift? That's very odd. Belinda walked across the lift, glancing at the gently swinging rear end in front of her. Belinda felt a twang deep between her own long legs. Twang? A full chord.

Oh my god, it's like one of our stings. Is it like where Inclair explains it all when Sam came up with the latter? I do beg your pardon, that was just a twang between my own long legs. Also, how is it reverberating so much? What's going on in this lift? There's so much activity. Why are we not in the meeting yet?

Belinda felt a twang deep between her own long legs. She pursed her lips and blew a quick kiss, which she knew the receptionist couldn't possibly see. Then what's the point? Stop. Stop being a weirdo. What a mental. However, unluckily for Belinda, she turned around at that precise moment. Oh, this is so embarrassing.

Okay. The blonde blushed, the lift chimed, and the doors opened. And Belinda twanged. Perfect synchronicity. The journey to the first floor was uneventful. It wasn't a journey.

Still going to the first floor. Jesus. And it was eventful. I was going to say, she just kissed her. Or kissed at her. The journey to the first floor was uneventful, apart from the creaking and straining of the 1930s era lift. Oh.

Then the lift suddenly shuddered to a halt. Oh. And the lights dimmed to half power Oh no, they're stuck Belinda thought it was possibly a power cut Surely not a terrorist attack Surely not But they've done everything they can to keep that from happening

Also, again, terrorist attack Dimming the lights in a lift Let's make it really difficult to see on that slow journey from the ground to the first let's reduce their power bills come on guys the blonde looked at belinda and said don't be worried these old lifts do this all the time the doors will open in a few minutes she then started to remove her jacket and blouse It does get hot in here very quickly You may want to do the same It's kind of the mile high club

It's kind of the 50 yard off the ground club Yeah it's not quite as exciting is it Belinda followed suit And unfastened her blouse Why does she ever fasten her blouse She might as well just leave it open It's never done up Also the blonde removed her jacket

Why is Belinda stripping off her blouse Because she's presumptuous Penelope She always presumes people want to have a glance at her blouse? Because she's presumptuous Penelope. She always presumes people want to have a glance at her melons, doesn't she? Uncle at a pomegranate. Presumptuous Penelope. Let me help you with that, the blonde receptionist said. She doesn't need help.

She expertly undid the rest of Belinda's blouse and uncoupled her bra. Uncoupled? Is that the terminology? Uncoupled? What, consciously uncoupled? What is that? Is that the terminology? Uncoupled? What, consciously uncoupled? What, like Gwyneth and Chris? Is it just in two halves and it just comes apart? No, very much no. I think Belinda's breasts are consciously uncoupled, aren't they?

Belinda's tits fell out. The blonde lady gasped. Gasped? What? You have exceptional breasts, Belinda. She gasped because they were so exceptional. May I call you that? Belinda.

You've got a face full of her boobs. Yeah, of course you can call her Belinda. Yeah. Oh, I hope that's not too forward. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over.

Maple's virtual care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. You have exceptional breasts, Belinda. May I call you that? Only if you tell me your name and let me see your naked ass,

replied Belinda, smiling. Always a caveat, isn't there? Always a little caveat. You can call me my name if you show me your ass. Normally it's my lady, isn't it? Oh yeah, my lady. She doesn't like to be called Belinda. I wonder what her name's going to be. I feel like it'll be Gert. Oh, something Dutch you think? Yeah, something Dutch. I'm Christina and here's my ass. I'm going to start using that I'm Christina

And here's my ass That is too funny Christina quickly pulled down her skirt And knickers And bent over To allow Belinda To rub her tits Over her ass cheek

What? It's very obliging Isn't it? Rub her tits over her ass Like an exotic dance on her ass Whipped her pants right off Didn't she Christina With that nod

Also that swinging ass All over Belinda's breasts I'm Christina And here's my ass I'm Christina And here's my ass Christina'm Christina and here's my ass Christina quickly pulled down her skirt and knickers and bent over

to allow Belinda to rub her tits over her ass cheeks To allow her? She knew that was what was going to happen I know what's coming Or do you think Christina's like What is she doing? Look but do not touch or rub bits of your body against it, please. So she bent over to allow Belinda to rub her tits

over her ass cheeks. Can I just say, what if the lift suddenly started again and Belinda's like, and the doors open? She doesn't care, does she? If the doors open, Belinda just wouldn't even apologise. Dr Robbins is going to get quite a shock. I think it's what Belinda's secretly hoping for. Is he a doctor of pots and pans?

I mean, God knows, Alice. What is he? I don't think he'll be a gynaecologist. Everyone else seems to be. God knows he'll try. Apart from Rocky. She pulled down her skirt and knickers

and bent over to allow Belinda to rub her tits over her ass cheeks. In doing so, Belinda grasped Christina's tits. Christina stood up

and pulled off her blouse and bra. She was now virtually naked. Well, she's completely naked. Yeah, What else has she got? Oh her shoes maybe And her skirts round her ankles Which classes as an item of clothing She was a magnificent

Well tanned creature Perfectly honed in every way And obviously spent all her spare time in the gym I beg to differ Not perfectly honed in every way Legs are only semi decent Also in a gym otherwise I beg to differ. Not perfectly honed in every way. Legs are only semi-decent. Also in a gym otherwise known as the Ritz Spa. It's a very nice gym.

Christina pulled Belinda's skirt down and relieved her of her thong. Relieved her. So did Belinda go, oh, thank you. It's been right up me. That hasn't been straight for days. The two girls played with each other's naked bodies and started kissing.

The lift jolted. No one knew it. Oh ho. Christina said. Oh. It's not meant to be a Dutch word. I think he means no. Oh no.

Oh ho. But he said. It is Amsterdam. Maybe it is. Oh ho. Oh ho. Christina said. We better is. Oh, ho. Oh, ho. Christina said, we better get dressed. You ho.

Oh, ho. Christina said. Belinda does have ho's in all the area codes. She so does. But the thing is, I think it is no because it's spelled H-O like Santa Claus would say ho. Oh, ho, ho, ho. Right. So, oh, ho.

I think he means oh, no. Right. Oh, ho, Christina said. We better get dressed. These lift doors will open up in about one minute. Christina's done this before. They'll open up much like Belinda's lids. It's like a spy movie.

These doors will open in 60 seconds. Put on your clothes. I'm going to remove my breasts from your ass now. We don't have long. It's like a really dated version of Charlie's Angels, the original. And there's usually like a red wire and a blue wire and they don't know which one to cut. But in this case, it's just the wire of the G-string that she has to position back on the crack of Belinda's arse.

Beads of sweat falling from her head like Mission Impossible. The two girls scrambled to put on their clothes. It's a scramble. And had virtually finished just as the lift restarted and the doors opened. Phew. Well, it doesn't restart and open because you'd be like midway... You'd be at the floor. Yeah, exactly.

They both smoothed back their hair, composed themselves and walked out of the lift as if nothing had happened. I hope that lift doesn't have CCTV. Now safely on the first floor, Christina signed Belinda in and left her to wait for Dr. Robbins in the beautifully decorated visitor's area.

I'm really intrigued by Dr Robbins. I know. Why is there a doctor in this industry? Yeah, weird. Five minutes later, a middle-aged gent exited from one of the doorways fronting onto the canal. He walked quietly down the corridor towards Belinda. That sounds like you snuck up on her. He was quite oddly dressed for a dutchman as he was covered in harris

tweed with brown brogues on his feet covered in it not even just wearing lots of items made of it a onesie of tweed he looked much more like a scottish mp than a very successful purchasing director you have a very distinct look they just wear tartan all year round. Nicola Sturgeon is always wearing that tweed suit. Scottish MP. His face smiled when he saw Belinda. No, it didn't. His face smiled.

He smiled. His face contains the mouth which does the smiling. The rubber mask smiled at Belinda. His face smiled when he saw Belinda and gestured for her to follow him. What, his face did? His face gestured, yeah, of course it did. Ms. Blumenthal, I presume. My God, why does no one know who she is?

She signed in twice, why does nobody know who she is? Belinda, wear a name tag for God's sake. She's already given a business card out. Yes, sir, Belinda replied, and I take it that you are Dr. Robbins already given a business card out. Yes, sir, Belinda replied. And I take it that you are Dr. Robbins. Indeed, the very same. He replied,

still smiling. Peter Rouse has told me a lot about you. Peter Rouse is back. But he did admit I would have to find out myself how you tick. Oh.

If you see what I mean. Yeah, yeah, she sees. We all see. She has the all-seeing vagina. There's nothing subtle in this book, sees we all see she's the all-seeing vagina there's nothing subtle in this book so we all see belinda smiled yes peter did send me a quick itinerary this morning of my time in amsterdam and i know i have a full two hours discussing contracts with you right everyone go put the kettle on alice shall we we go? Can you just do a summary and send it to us? And I know I have a full two hours discussing contracts with you.

And very boring it will be too. Oh. Is that what she said? That's what he said. How welcoming. But we do have to do these things, don't we, Belinda? Yeah, but we don't have to hear it, Rocky. That's like Rocky's acknowledgement,

isn't it? He's like, come on, guys, we know there has to be paperwork done. And very boring it will be too. But we do have to do these things, don't we, Belinda? May I call you that? Why does everyone ask that? That's her name. May I call you Belinda? Is it rude to call someone by the first name, Miss Levine? It's as if people are going, you're a dick. Do you mind if I call you that? It's like, yeah, I do. But I don't mind you calling me by my forename. We have to do these things, whorebag. Is that okay?

But we do have to do these things, don't we, Belinda? May I call you that? Why, yes, of course. I wouldn't dream of you calling me anything else. For that is my name. At least you specified. They're not even in the meeting room. Doesn't that city jet feel a long time ago?

Book me a city jet out of this town. I don't want to do this anymore. Why, yes, of course. I wouldn't dream of you calling me anything else. Now, here we are. Please step into my world robin's opened one of the few doors lining the corridor old robin's years of study gone for robbins. The doctorate's off. Yeah. Just Robbins.

Robbins opened one of the few doors lining the corridor and ushered Belinda inside. Belinda gasped. The office was full of ancient furniture and wall hangings of erotic art. Ancient furniture? The office was full of ancient furniture and wall hangings of erotic art,

but the centrepiece was an extremely large wooden oak desk with a stunning red leather top. Ooh, a wood gasp. A good desk. I have a confession here, guys. Dad did warn me that he was inspired by a purchase that I made a couple of years ago, which was an antique oak wooden desk with a red leather top. That's such a relief. I was thinking something in a zinc lined case. I mean, what have you bought?

It wasn't the erotic art, but I'm just saying this has added levels of gross to me. Is this too close to home? A little bit. I mean, your dad wrote it, so it's always quite close to home. Yeah, it's as close as it can get. It literally is from home. It's a lot to take in it must have been 200 years old and looked well used with many

contractual papers strewn across it and arses i imagine behind it was one of the original warehouse windows facing the canal drink who cares through which streamed glorious sunshine from the strong afternoon sun. Robbins waved to a chair at the far side of the room. Cooey! Yeah, just waved. Hiya! And perched himself in front of Belinda on the edge of his desk. Oh, Robbins is going to be a class A gross old man, isn't he?

Creep, yeah. Now, Robbins said, as you know, we have made our first order. At that moment, a previously hidden side door to the office opened and a bespectacled, frumpily dressed, middle-aged, but still somewhat attractive secretary entered the room with an armful of papers. Is this the first unattractive person that we've had in the pots and pans industry?

Jim Sterling. You're right. Ah. Oh, hang on. Sweepstakes on name of character oh okay frumply dress karen karen i'm gonna go back to gert she sounds like a classic gert's not far off jim brilliant ah helga oh oh god thank you these are the contracts for this morning's meeting i I take it. No, she's just brought you contracts from another bloody meeting. Of course they are.

No, Helga's just lost because she's not got great eyesight. She's just wandered in. Also, he says this morning's meeting, but they're being bathed in an afternoon sun. What is the time? And it's a four o'clock meeting. Oh, man. Oh, God. Oh, Rocky. Oh, God. Oh, Rocky.

Oh, Helga. Jamenia, Dr. Robbins. Helga put the papers down, nodded at Belinda, and went back to what must have been her office area. What? Was that a greeting? Jamenia. Shall I Google Translate?

Yeah, let's Google Translate. Go on, hit me with it j a yeah space m e n w r jamina interesting okay it means yes sir oh jamina jamina jamina dr robbins or it could be hindi Oh no, we're fine. It is, yeah. It's fine. It's Dutch. Helga put the papers down, nodded at Belinda and went back into what must have been her office area.

Her hovel. Yeah. Like a little hidden door. Broom cupboard at the side of the room. A priest hole. Back into the area that must have been her burrow.

Back to yourselves, we're not. Robbins then purposely moved to the other side of the desk, as if he had decided on something and quickly tidied away the papers strewn across it, placing them beside the pile Helga had left for his attention. I think we all know what he's thinking. Yeah. He coughed.

Oh, maybe we don't. Belinda, this sunlight is unseasonably harsh. Would you like to remove your jacket? You must be feeling hot. Belinda thought for a is unseasonably harsh. Would you like to remove your jacket? You must be feeling hot. Belinda thought for a split second and answered, Yes. And would you mind if I loosened a few of my blouse buttons at the same time? Loosened, yeah.

I'm going to unpick the thread if you don't mind. How do you loosen a button? That's the worst thing. A loose button is like the most annoying thing. Yes. And would you mind if I loosened a few of my blouse buttons at the same time? No, not at all. We're all adults here.

Oh, he's such a creep. He's so creepy, isn't he? Oh, he's horrible. And he laughed in a high-pitched, effeminate way. Oh. Like me? I laugh in a high-pitched, effeminate way. Oh. Like me. I laugh in a high-pitched effeminate way. Tee hee.

Yeah, so it's like, no, not at all. We're all adults here. I hate Dr. Robbins. Dr. Robbins sounds like a mad professor. Maybe he is. Looks like the Weetos. That's exactly how I picture him. Yeah.

And he laughed in a high-pitched, effeminate way. How unattractive. Very unattractive. Belinda took off her jacket and unfastened two buttons at the top of her cream-coloured blouse and two more at the bottom. Leaving none gone up in the middle. This left only one. Oh, I do beg your pardon.

Which was now being quite unfairly challenged by her ample breasts. Unfair on who? Why are we personified? On the other buttons. It doesn't have a personality. No, it's buttons versus breasts and we know who's going to win. This left only one which was now being quite unfairly challenged by her ample breasts, even though they were being adequately contained by her brassiere.

Dr. Robbins sat back in his office chair and appraised the now slightly uncomfortable Belinda. Oh, she's never usually uncomfortable. It'll be that laugh. She'll be like, oh, I was up for this until he laughed. Stripping's like mother's milk to a normal. Mother's milk. Oh, Lord.

Is that how you think of it? What? You should speak to someone. I mean, we'll talk about it outside of this, but... There are warning signs and I'd feel bad if I just didn't say. I actually think I should. Not to Dr. Robbins. I mean, a proper doctor.

But Dr. Robbins is a family friend. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, it's the family physician, Dr. Robbins. It's not Downton. He birthed me and my sisters. It's Dr. Robbins. It's not Downton. He birthed me and my sisters. It's Dr. Robbins. Dr. Robbins sat back in his office chair

and now appraised the now slightly uncomfortable Belinda. He thought to himself, I very much like what I see. And Peter did ask me to challenge her. I think I'll put her to the complete test. Oh God. I think Peter's put her to the complete test. What Peter did was

above and beyond. I think I will put her to the complete test. One I reserve only for our biggest suppliers. And see what happens. Robin's coughed again. Clear that up. Get that scene to. Milk of Magnesia.

What? We'll stop using old remedies for things. It's a 1930s lift and an antique room. Milk of Magnesium? Dr Robbins coughed again and this time he asked Belinda to move her chair directly into the strong

sunlight. Belinda obliged immediately. She always enjoyed a bit of heat. She'll be sweating like a fat lass, won't she? Before we discuss the contracts, I would like to offer you a glass of our traditional drink called Genova. It's basically our gin, but with a very strong juniper berry taste. We should have guessed it was gin. It's her favourite drink.

Oh, a Genova and tonic. The doctor got up and went to one of the many cabinets lining the walls. He handed Belinda a large glass of the pale white liquid and sat down with his in his chair. Proust, he exclaimed. Whoa. I know what that means. That means cheers. And knocked it down in one.

This was territory Belinda knew well from her university years, and she followed suit. Where did she go to university? University of a left toenail, probably. She can't have a good degree. What does that mean? Where have you pulled that from? My mum's best friend used to say it. About Belinda?

It means she has a shit degree. From a shit university. Clearly. I picked up on that. Thank you. Brilliant. Belinda Blumenthal studied cake icing and Morris dancing from the University of Elefthona cake icing

Morris dancing Morris dancing all useful skills to be fair it would actually equip her better than whatever she did study

god knows although to be fair Dr. Robbins sounds mad as a box of frogs I'm surprised he's got a doctorate I bet he's just written in crayon

his certificate on the wall Dr. Robbins Dr. Robbins in blood no Robbins got up and Robbins. In blood. No! Robbins got up and refilled the glasses. Once again, the procedure was followed.

Thank God. Now, he said, Are you relaxing, Belinda? Very knowing look. Oh, he's taking a drink. Belinda blinked. Yay! Prost! Prost!

Prost! Proust! Proust! She smiled. She knew exactly what was coming next, but she very much wanted to tie up the contracts. So she decided to make things easier for the very shy doctor. So she was like, Helga! Dr. Robbins, would you mind very much if I removed my high heels? They've been killing me all day. She's such a little temptress. Belinda, would you mind very much if I removed my high heels? They've been killing me all day.

She's such a little temptress. Belinda Belinda. Robbins, Robbins. Belinda Belinda, Robbins replied. Belinda Belinda, Robbins replied. Belinda Belinda, Robbins replied. You have no need to ask. Why, you can remove your stockings if you so desire. Belinda smiledinda Robbins replied You have no need to ask Why you can remove your stockings if you so desire

Belinda smiled and said You are so So understanding He's so understanding He's so caring Dr Robbins And that's the end of the chapter Oh god So caring. Dr. Robbins. And that's the end of the chapter. Oh, God.

I think we should issue a public apology for this chapter. There's so much else I could have been doing tonight. Oh, stop it. You've had a great time. I had some washing to do. That would have been way more productive. Honestly, if you'd written about doing the washing, it would have been sexier than what we've just read.

I think that was a good chapter. I gonna defend rocky on that one oh i'll give him a point for the breasts on the bum cheeks but other than that did that really take how long that was a long chapter dr robbins we've met helga we've met christina well helga was a bloody waste of space she just shuffled and shuffled out. Look, guys, you two are all about the sex. I get that. But I think there's like nice subtleties in Rocky's writing. Like it doesn't all have to be about the sex. We had a little bit of fun and then had a lot of admin,

which frankly is better than reading my dad's pornography. So I'm very much in the camp of chapter two. That is an outrageous accusation. We're not all about the sex. We're about plots. We're about things happening. Yeah, that was a lot of lead up to a whole barrel of nothing, wasn't it? But you don't know what's coming next.

No, but that was a whole chapter. Okay, look, look, there's one way to settle this. Let's do a poll on Twitter. Okay, fine. I've just done one. No. No one likes it. Everyone says burn it.

We're going to do a poll. Worthwhile or a total load of crap? Okay. Christina or Helga? Well, look, maybe it'll all be redeemed in chapter three what's the title chapter three is called the dutchman's leather desk well we know what's gonna happen then exactly what should have happened in this chapter yeah so maybe you'll get your money's worth there alice a good shagging on that desk is exactly what i thought was in order this time yeah we're down a rabbit hole here at my dad wrote a porno we have no idea what the hell's going on with this book

we need as many eyes and ears on this as possible we really really do please get in touch with us on twitter at dad wrote a porno instagram is my dad wrote a and uh facebook my dad wrote a porno as well yes we're everywhere so get in the conversation oh and we've got an email for those longer queries my dad wrote a porno at gmail email for those longer queries yeah we do don't we mydadwroteapornote at gmail.com we love getting emails we do

because they're like nice and big and we get to hear your stories and stuff so yeah get in touch let us know what you're thinking and help us all

make some sense of this bloody book who's going to be operating the computer that's my question I'll push the button on the lift if you guys

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