My Dad Wrote A Porno - S2E3 - 'The Dutchman's Leather Desk'

Episode Date: July 18, 2016

Belinda gets to grips with Dr Robbins on his large red leather desk. However, it isn't long before he quickly reveals some bizarre sexual quirks... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Picture this, you're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously, on My Dad Wrote a Porno Sorry about all the security, but we do get the occasional terrorist threat from time to time. What? As we're a pretty high-profile company. Pots and pans are famously a target for terrorists. Target number one on the ISIS hit list. How do we really get the heart of the country?

Don't let them boil things. I'm Christina and here's my ass. Christina quickly pulled down her skirt and knickers and bent over to allow Belinda to rub her tits over her ass cheek. Oh, ho. Christina said. Oh. It's not meant to be a Dutch word. I think he means no.

Oh, no. But he spelled. Oh, ho. But he said. It is Amsterdam. Maybe it is. Oh, ho. Oh, ho. Christina said Amsterdam. Maybe it is. Oh, ho! Oh, ho! Christina, say it. We better get dressed.

You ho! Hello and welcome back to My Dad Wrote a Porno. It's chapter three, episode three. James and Alisa here with me once again. Guys, how are you? Great. Very well. Excellent. Raring to go. As ever, I hope hope we've just had our

dinner so we're feeling full we're feeling fine my sugar levels are high oh excellent just before the podcast started alice was singing a little heart out you should see alice after a meal it's something to behold it's a combination of the excitement of the food and the excitement of the chapter yeah not the excitement of the company nice to know that has no effect on me whatsoever so we're finally in amsterdam we are finally into that office building yeah that took a while didn't it it took a whole chapter all those terrorist threats and we've met dr robbins dr robbins not quite sure what he's qualified in or if he's even qualified doctor's been dropped so maybe that was an error clerical

or otherwise and if i remember rightly this chapter is literally based on your favorite item in your bedroom yeah it's no longer in my bedroom i have moved it have you burned subsequently since the last podcast yeah it's now at my mum and dad's house where i feel it belongs we're talking about the desk the desk yeah please clarify thanks yeah and actually this whole chapter is called the dutchman's leather desk so i feel it's going to play a prominent role thank god it's white clean i feel like every book of rocky's has to have a boring admin chapter and i'm really hoping we got over that quickly with chapter two

me too me too if i remember rightly we were just like literally she'd taken a blouse off and then in true rocky style he ended the chapter we were on the cusp weren't we of actual sex that's so true so let's plunge back in so to speak belinda blinked to chapter three the dutchman's leather desk The sunlight was declining now, and Belinda still couldn't work out how Robbins had managed to manipulate her onto his red leather desk, where she now sat cross-legged. Cross-legged? Oh, she's like, oh, I better cover up. Like at assembly.

Yeah, that's proper school time. Oh, let's not think about that. But yeah, cross-legged isn't sexy though, is it? No. Oh, that's proper school time. Oh, let's not think about that. But yeah. Cross-legged isn't sexy though, is it? No. Oh, unless cross-legged. Yeah, I was going to say, I don't think she's literally cross-legged like you sit on the floor.

No, I think she is. I think she's sat on the top of the desk cross-legged. Like at church. At church? Really? You haven't been to church, Alice. So high, Alice. Yeah, I actually haven't

and that's become abundantly clear. She's there every Sunday putting money in the collection pot. Sat on the floor, crossing her legs. Everyone else in the pews. Belinda still couldn't work out how Robbins had managed to manipulate her onto the red leather desk, where she now sat cross-legged. Oh, what, like he might have mind powers? It's the Matrix. You will sit on the desk.

Well, I don't feel like she was sat there when we left her. So she just suddenly jumped onto the desk. He's like a fully grown Matilda. He can move things with his eyes. A newt in a jar. Her on the desk. Maybe he'll be the trunchbull. Oh, God.

Oh, wait, that makes sense because Helga's in the chokie. Oh, God. The chokie. Oh, my God. She's like the female in the chokie. Oh my God. The chokie. Oh my God. She's like the female Bruce Bogtrotter. This is brilliant. This might be a plagiarism issue. She had to admit that she hadn't lost any more of her clothing.

But then all she was wearing was her nearly fully open blouse, a bra, a thong and a skirt. So this is her internal monologue providing exposition for us. Also, that's all her clothes. That's like me going, all I had on was a t-shirt, jeans, boxes and socks. Sorry to talk about what I'm wearing. True. So Belinda's wearing pretty much all her clothes.

She had willingly discarded the rest of her clothing in Robin's office even before they had discussed the contract. What's the point then? But also, what other items of clothing? Hang on. She's wearing... Jacket and high heels, if I remember right. she's wearing jacket and high heels if i remember oh good knowledge okay now the good doctor was sitting opposite her good doctor the good doctor

nothing good about him good dr robbins now the good doctor was sitting opposite her with his head on one side appraising her body everyone appraises everything in these books business it's business why are you like looking on the side maybe you've seen something unusual i wouldn't put it past belinda's body there'll be something that requires a closer look she thinks she's doing like a double take like oh well everyone seems to about her breasts now the good doctor was sitting opposite her with his head on one side appraising her body belinda you look very hot clammy i was gonna say hot or sexy or sweaty would you like me to remove your blouse have we got a

new voice for dr robbins oh have we what do you like me to remove you sound like the grand high witch in the witches witches remove your bl week so much air time well he did write in a shed like Rocky does did he have his own pavilion yeah oh my god

but did he call it the pavilion though but he didn't no I think he just called it the shed like a normal person that's Rocky I'm a big Roald Dahl fan

aren't we all and there was an elevator like the glass elevator in Charlie and the oh James stop leave it please you're clutching at straws now no I'm saying, rolled

Rocky, no? Books for children. No, wait, hang on, that's where the similarity is. George's Marvellous Medicine. Great book. Belinda's Lady Juice. I don't know. I'm going to share this theory with Rocky and see what he says.

Belinda, you look very hot. Would you like to remove your blouse? I certainly don't mind in the least. You'll feel more relaxed, I'm sure. Oh, she won't feel more relaxed. She was uncomfortable before. No, she will feel more relaxed. Most women wouldn't, but she would.

Because she had a wedgie, probably. That thong's never straight. She's always like, picking it out of her bum. I don't like his style of flirtation. Who, probably. That thong's never straight. She's always like, she's like picking it out of her bum. I don't like his style of flirtation. Who, Dr. Robbins? Yeah, I feel like he adopts the manner of a doctor, but he's saying vaguely sexual things. You'll feel more relaxed, I'm sure.

Belinda smiled again. And with the hint of a very small tease. Teeny tiny tease. Just a mini small tease. Teeny tiny tease. Just a mini little tease. She undid the last button holding her cream blouse in place. Oh, that was the one that needed loosening, wasn't it?

Yeah, that was a little soldier. I feel like if she does that all that's going to happen is the blouse is going to slightly open a bit more. No, it's going to fall open because her boobs are trying to push free.

They're always trying to push free. Nothing can contain them. They're like rab to push free. Nothing can contain them. They're like rabid dogs behind a rickety gate. She could be in Britney's red catsuit and they'd still be breaking free. They're huge. Huge. Britney's red catsuit.

Jamie used to have a poster of Britney on his door at university. In the red catsuit? Oh no. I remember in just a little pair of pants with the whole torso out. Dressed very much like Melinda with one button on the blouse. That's so true. It was a full size one.

It was full body. It was life size poster. It wasn't life size. That was the most of a naked woman James had ever seen. He was always peering at it. Intrigued. I always wonder where Rocky's pulling his influences from. Maybe because he used to visit you at uni, right?

Maybe he saw the Britney poster. He saw that one blouse button. He's like, I'm taking that. Yeah. I never saw you as a Britney guy. What did you think I was? Christina. No one was a Christina guy.

No one's Christina. I don't think the life option should ever be Britney or Christina. There's always other options. Christina is the Helga of the pop world. Well, XTina. Fair though. In her assless chap stays of dirty fame. Yeah, true.

Very, I mean, I wouldn't say beautiful, but she had a certain mystique. Are you defending Christina Aguilera? I just feel like she's getting a bit ragged on, okay? Hey, she's not Anastasia. She's not that bad. Wow. Oh, come on. The blue tint specs.

Don't even. She's left outside alone. Even then it was late noughties. Why was she dressed like it was 86? 17, 86. Belinda, you look very hot. Would you like me to remove your blouse? I certainly don't mind in the least.

You'll feel more relaxed, I'm sure. Not how people talk. Belinda... Yeah, the dialogue's exceptionally stilted. I thought Belinda was saying something in the middle of that. I did too. Was that all him? That was all him, yeah. Very confusing.

Belinda smiled again, and with the hint of a very small tease, she undid the last button holding her cream blouse in place. She then slowly removed it from her arms and back, and tossed it towards the... A large back. A broad, broad back. And then all hell broke loose. It's like Quasimodo. How much back has she got?

Don't we know that she's got a huge back? Do we know that? Is that something that I've made up? I think you've made that up. Very broad back. She's not here to defend herself. I always think she wears a big bra, but that's mainly because it's such a big back size.

It's like the cups are an A, but the back's like a 52. Jesus. She then slowly removed it from her arms and back and tossed it towards... She took it off. ...and tossed it towards She took it off. and tossed it towards the small pile of clothing now accumulating

with her high heels behind her. Drink? Yeah, I know. Always accumulating. Yeah, I think because it's neat I think it deserves a drink. To Rocky.

Robbins let out a long sigh. Belinda's breasts even though they were still modestly concealed by her brassiere, were to say the least, magnificent. Indeed, he had to admit to himself, they were probably the best he'd ever seen in real life. Wow. What a perv. He normally goes to 19th century portraiture for his turn-ons.

Dr. Robbins. Oh, no, you don't think he looks at, like, medical manuals? What, and gets his rocks off? Yeah, gets his Robbins off. On diagram four? Robbins little Robin? Rocky Robin. Rocky Robin.

Robbins let out a long sigh. Belinda's breasts, even though they were still modestly concealed by her brassiere, were to say the least magnificent. Indeed, he had to admit to himself they were probably the best breasts he'd ever seen in real life. Of course, he understood she couldn't compete with the many large busted girls on the web. On the web. On the net. BigbustyBoobs.com

MagnificentMelons.tv Oh, are these what you used to put into the computer to pretend you were looking? Oh, don't look at my search history. Tidditytiddies.org Forward slash. .org, isn't that like for charities? .edu? I don't...

Well, it probably was a.edu for James. And DrRobbins. .gov Oh, so he's been surfing the for James. And Dr Robbins. Dot go. Oh, so he's been surfing the web for big bazoombas. Of course. He understood

she couldn't compete with the many large busted girls on the web. But that was irrelevant in the here and now. But I think she can compete with the big busty ladies on the web.

Yeah. Sounds like she could make a lot of money if she decided to go into that field. But that was irrelevant in the here and now. How he envied his

managing director, Peter Rouse. Peter's totally kissed and told, hasn't he? He's been, he's just gone to the locker room and just been like, lads, you'll never guess. He's as big as gossip as Giselle and Bella. Sounds like he's kept the breasts to himself, though, because Robbins is literally bowled over.

He wasn't prepared for those magnificent breasts. That's true. So maybe he's been discreet about that. Also, why is he jealous of Peter? He's about to get his end away with her himself. Well, is he? Oh. Intriguing.

By this time, the five o'clock sun and the two very strong Genovers were getting to Belinda. I forgot about the Genovers. The sun outside was getting to Belinda. Well, she's in that kind of hot spot, isn't she? She's like the cat in the window. She was starting to sweat out the gin. Albeit gently.

Albeit gently. Boozy boozy sweat as well that's so gross. It would stink. Oh horrid. You know when somebody like the day after a big night out they're just like reek don't they? That's what she's like. An old booze hound.

Booze hound? I've literally never heard that phrase before. She was starting to sweat out the gin, albeit gently. She decided to up the pace and asked Dr. Robbins, would you really mind if I remove my skirt? It's rather tight in this cross-legged position and I would like to stretch my legs and feel the smooth leather of your desk on my skin. Why does she keep asking permission? She knows what it's,

this isn't like the first time it's happened to her. She knows where these situations go. As soon as the blouse is off, you can probably just take everything off. Yeah. She's a very well brought up lady. No, she's not. Belinda. You think Belinda's a well brought up lady? She was dragged up at best. Dragged up by a bra strap, she was. Her father was brilliant in the world of wine. Oh, he knew how to entertain a client. Do we know anything about Belinda's mum? No.

Betty Blumenthal. Because Bobby Blumenthal was the dad, right? What was the dad's name? We never found out, but I think we said Bobby. God, if Belinda's like Belinda is, imagine what her mum was like. I bet she didn't really know who her dad was. I bet she claims that guy was the dad's name? We never found out, but I think we said Bobby. God, if Belinda's like Belinda is, imagine what her mum was like. I bet she didn't really know who her dad was. I bet she claims that guy was her dad. She's got to have daddy issues.

Yeah. When she gets married, it'll be like the plot of Mamma Mia. She'll get like five guys coming in and she'll be like, which one's my dad? I think she's got five husbands or so. Yeah, that's married. Come on, Belinda's never going to get married. She's so unsure. She doesn't even know which one her mum is.

I mean, I know that's not come on yeah there's never gonna get married she's so unsure she doesn't even know which one her mum is i mean i know that's not really possible but it's rather tight in this cross-legged position and i would like to stretch my legs and feel the smooth leather of your desk on my skin yes do what you need to belinda your comfort in this office is my ultimate concern oh yeah because we spent a chapter with him telling her that. Just get naked. Oh, all right. Well, I'm just bored of it. Sorry, but you must agree. You must.

You sound like Dr. Robbins. Gentlemen, you must agree. What is the way to be? We're literally beating around the bush right now. Let's get to the bush. Your comfort in this office is my ultimate concern. Robbins' high-pitched laugh once again escaped from his effeminate mouth. It's such a horrible laugh, isn't it?

He sounds evil. He sounds like an evil villain character. I think he sounds like a petulant little child. Like, what is he, a boobie? Like a little Lord Fauntleroy or something. Robin's high-pitched laugh once again escaped from his effeminate mouth. Oh, he's horrible.

Effeminate mouth? Has he got lipstick on? Has he got, like, really, like... Beautiful, like, bee-stung lips. Like Liv Tyler. Do you think he's had collagen in his lips? Oh, why's he got such a fleshy, full mouth? Belinda got onto her knees, wriggled her ass, and removed the garment in one smooth motion.

Everything's always in one motion. What garment? The skirt. Oh right, sure. My, that was graceful, exclaimed the doctor as Belinda calmly tossed the skirt over her back. Over her large back. My, that was graceful, exclaimed the doctor as Belinda

calmly tossed the skirt over her back. Dressed only in her, perhaps, real working clothes, as she would sometimes unfairly put it to Giselle back in London, Belinda recrossed her legs and waited for Robbins to make the next move. I dread to think what Robbins' next move is going to be. No one's even fingered her breasts or had a poke around in between. Nothing's happened! Belinda recrossed her legs and waited for Robbins to make the next move. It didn't take long and it wasn't what Belinda had ever experienced before in any of her sexual adventures. Oh he's

gonna like suck her toes or something like that. Oh man. I dread to think what Rocky's cooked up. like that. Oh man. I dread to think what Rocky's cooked up. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's Virtual Care has got your back with 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Belinda shut her eyes and relaxed in the sunshine.

No, keep your eyes open, Belinda, because then you have to give a witness statement later. Keep your wits about you. She felt strangely uplifted. She had a feeling things were at last going her way. Robbins was obviously strange, but so far he had been utterly harmless, if not charming. He's not been charming.

No one bit of it has been charming. Yeah, he's been stilted and awkward at best. So far he'd been utterly harmless, if not charming. And it certainly wasn't his fault he was odd. That's very understanding. Whose fault is it? Indeed,

most of her best friends in London were unusual people. And it didn't really matter as they were all good fun and would help you out if you ever had a problem. That's a very nice assessment, isn't it?

So she's really of the, like, the misfits brigade yeah in that sense i mean totally nuts she's never mentioned any friends no so what was it they're nice and they'll always help you out nice but dim no nice but they'd help you out yeah no i'm weird totally weird indeed most of her best friends in london were unusual people and it didn't really matter as they were all good fun and would help you out if you ever had a problem. Well, that's a good trait to have, isn't it? Even if you should be in the circus. Even if your best friend is the bearded lady.

Besides, Belinda didn't do boring in any part of her life. I would beg to differ. She has put me to sleep in the past, dull as fricking dishwater. Her small talk is so boring. It is. Her whole chat's boring.

Her chat is awful. Well, there is no chat, let's be honest. Can you imagine going on a date with her? Should be a cheap date. That's true.

One drink and you'd take her home. She'd just do it right there and then. She wouldn't even need to go home. She'd just douche with that gin and tonic.

Oh, God. Come on. But yeah. It came as a bit of a shock when Belinda reopened her eyes to see Dr. Robbins. No. With a pair of long-handled surgical scissors in his hands. Oh, no, no, no, no. Surgical scissors.

And that's the end of the chapter. No, no, no. Oh, no. Surgical scissors. And that's the end of the chapter. No, no, no. Oh, my God. Scissors? Surgical scissors. Oh, no, Jamie. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's all gone a bit Lars von Trier, hasn't it?

Oh, I just remembered the reference you mean. If you need me, I'll be in my happy place. God, where the hell is that? Nando's? Anywhere far from here. It came as a bit of a shock when Belinda reopened her eyes. A bit of a shock. Understatement of the year.

I would literally scream and pelt it out of there. Yeah, run, Belinda. This is how horrors start. I don't think he's about to make a snowflake. Do you know what I mean? I think something bad's going to happen. Look, girls holding hands in a row out of some printer paper. No.

It came as a bit of a shock when Belinda reopened her eyes to see Dr Robbins with a pair of long-handled surgical scissors in his hands. Oh my God. She stifled her gasp, but couldn't control her breasts from heaving up and down as she breathed more rapidly. I think he's going to cut her bra off. Or her hair. A la Giselle.

But what did Giselle have? Well, her hair just fell out because she'd had so much sex. Great sex. Maybe great sex with Dr. Robbins means chunks just chopped out. He doesn't leave it to chance. Maybe he wants everyone to think that he's a good shag. But yeah, she just chops it. Just in the morning. Oh, but she doesn't

have the disease, to be fair. No, she doesn't. The genital disease. The genital disease. The genital disease. Don't worry, my dear. This will not hurt you one little bit. Oh, that's not what you want to hear when someone's approaching you with scissors. Hit him over the head with a lamp and run. As he pointed them towards her breasts, still hidden beneath her brassiere.

Yeah, he's going to cut the bra off. With one swift movement, the doctor cut through the loop of fabric attaching the two cups of her cream lace bra together. That is exactly how that should be read. Released from the confining effects of her bra, Belinda's tits fell forwards. In a judder. Fell forwards?

Slapped onto the table. It's like a driving test and they slam the hand on the dashboard. Airbags deployed. Yeah, totally. I'm just imagining like when you slap down plates, like dinner's ready, bump, like on the desk. Her nipples immediately started to harden as they felt the warmth of the sunlight.

Not a thing. Yeah. It's not plaster of Paris. Why is it setting in the sun? Long thighs. And the thong fell uselessly onto the red leather desk, revealing her flushed vagina for Robbins to see. Flushed?

That was meant to be a flushing noise, I don't think I'm okay. I think flush as in like... Blush. Blushing, yeah. Red. Rouged. Flamed.

Plumped. I'd be like, you've just ruined my bra and knickers. Like, what am I supposed to wear home now? It's never really bothered her before, has it? I was going to say, she normally isn't bothered with bra or thong. I bet he's got like a drawer full of other women he's slept with. Well, that's just libelous.

You don't know that's true. Don't worry, you can use one. James, you'll get struck off. Don't go spreading lies. It'll be like one of those, you know, when people had spare PE kit for PE. Ah, the sweat box, we used to call it. Someone else's shorts or something. But never got washed, ever. Guys, he's a respected Ah, the sweat box. Yeah, we used to call it. Someone else's shorts or something. Gross. But never got washed, ever.

Guys, he's a respected member of the medical community. I'm not sure you should be saying this about him. You've changed your tune. He's got a doctorate in cutting people's bras off. It's very niche, but it's still a doctorate. The doctor then turned his attention to her black lace thong. Again, with two precise cuts, one on either side of her long thighs, and the thong fell uselessly onto the red leather desk,

revealing her flushed vagina. Oh, that's such a gross description. It's a new one, though. I haven't heard flushed vagina before, not only in Rocky's fiction, just generally. You never hear it anywhere else. That's because the blood's rushed to it, which is the bit that makes me feel the most sick.

Oh my God, is it just red raw? No, it's just like plump and red and like pulsing. Yeah, exactly. Throbbing. Like a fat kid's face after he's run around the playground. Huffing and puffing. It is huffing and puffing. And he'll blow the house down.

Oh, I actually do feel unwell. Alice, areice you okay she's put her head on the table okay but robbins had no time to view his work as he quickly put the scissors away in his desk drawer and immediately took out a similar styled pair of surgical tweezers. Oh for goodness sake. God he's going to pluck a raw like a goose. Like a turkey at Christmas. Just when we thought we'd got over it. What's he going to pluck? Belinda was in shock. She'd quickly

gotten over the scissors. But tweezers? Again, she need not have worried as the good doctor pinched her flapping lace bra and roughly pulled it off her back. It's back of hers. With tweezers. He threw it to the floor and concentrated on Belinda's now quite useless thong.

With the same sure actions it was soon disposed of, albeit with a consensual movement from belinda's now quite naked ass a consensual movement go for it so basically he doesn't even want to touch yeah because they're so disgusting he sounds a bit ocd yeah but now i wonder what he's going to use to caress her is is he going to use an instrument for everything well you don't know where she's been i mean we do and we wouldn't touch it yeah the setting sun continued to beat down on a bare Belinda as she sat cross-legged on the antique leather desk. Completely naked, Belinda wondered how this scenario would end.

Does she really wonder? Nothing has ever been more sure in my mind than this. I know exactly how this is going to end. I don't think I do though because he is an unusual character. He's odd. He's a very odd man. You didn't see the scissors coming. You didn't see the tweezers coming.

And she won't see the penis coming. I don't find her very intuitive. She's not a learner, is she? No, she really doesn't. She's like a goldfish. She's Dory. Oh, this is new. Belinda wondered how the scenario would end.

At no point during her time with the purchasing director had he touched her physically. So he's the doctor of purchasing directing. Not a thing. At no point during her time with the purchasing director had he touched her physically. You're right, he is OCD. He's got like a weird foible.

Except for a token handshake when they'd first met. Time would tell, Belinda thought. Time would tell. Time would tell what? Don't tell me that's the end of the chapter. It's not. Tell me it's the end of the chapter. It is.

For the next five minutes, Belinda sat still whilst Dr robbins observed her is he going to draw her like one of his french girls this is a life drawing class he had started to move from one foot to the other as if he was in some sort of trance is he doing a two-step swaying and his rhythm was quietly picking up what he is a fruit loop so hang on he's stripped her naked he's chopped off her underwear

and now he's doing a two step and now he's like shifting from one leg to the other while staring at her for five minutes he's jiving in front of her he started to hum

softly to himself oh my god and it all seemed to Belinda that he was at peace with the world. What? He hypnotised himself.

What is going on? He's batshit. He is batshit. I think his medication's worn off. Call Helga. Helga's in the chokie. There's no getting Helga. Oh, hang on, guys.

All that was rudely interrupted as the door to his personal assistant's room suddenly opened in walked helga i bet she did with another stack of paper in her oh helga once again she set them down and nodded at dr robbins she's gonna help i was gonna say i'm gonna acknowledge the fact that there's a naked girl on the table? No? Okay, fine. Or that your boss is in some weird trance,

humming to himself with his eyes shut. Dr. Robbins! I feel like Helga checked out a long time ago. She's calling it in these days. Oh, hang on. I've got quite a lot of dialogue here in Dutch. Oh, fine. In Dutch!

I am looking forward to this. I'm going to prepare myself. Is Rocky fluent? It appears so. Do you want me to get Google Translate out? Oh, yeah, go on. But let's have a bash first. Okay.

Dit zien die Stils pots and pans. I wonder what she's saying. I'm getting a bit of it. Kontrakten, wo het onderteken, Dr. Robin. she's saying i'm getting a bit of it contracting for head undertaken dr robin ow i put my phone away i don't think we need to translate did je hin de steele's pots and and Pans, Contracten voor het Undertekken, Dr. Robbins. That is not even Dutch. That is like, he's put EN on English words and made it sound Dutch.

Contracten voor het Undertekken. Maybe it is Dutch, but we won't be trying to find out. Oh, Rocky. Brilliant. I love that he's decided that dialogue in another language is totally achievable. Robbins immediately stopped swaying and humming and said, Dank, ooh, Helga. Now come and meet Miss Blumenthal properly.

Multilingual there. In one sentence. Dank, ooh, Helga. Dank sentence Dank u Helga Dank u Helga And u is just spelt u It's just like a u Dank u Helga Now come and meet Miss Blumenthal properly

Oh god Helga calmly looked the naked Belinda up and down And smiled Removed her spectacles And kissed Belinda hard on the mouth What? No Helga the crone's not getting involved, is she? Belinda's like, ooh, get off.

I mean, everyone's invited to join in, bar you, Helga. Rosa Klebb's getting involved. I don't even know the reference. Oh, you don't know who Rosa Klebb is? No. She was in one of the early Bond movies. She's this really hideous, like wizened old spy. Check on Instagram for a photo.

Oh, we've given Helga a really rough time, haven't we? No, I know. Helga calmly looked the naked Belinda up and down and smiled, removed her spectacles and kissed Belinda hard on the mouth. Belinda was stunned for the third time that afternoon. She is stunned left, right and centre. And made a gargled reply as her mouth was now full of Helga's tongue. And Helga's black teeth. Belinda was stunned for the third time that afternoon and made a gargled reply as her mouth was now full of Helga's tongue.

Helga wasn't put off, perhaps because Robbins was looking on very intently and stretched her right hand out to gently feel Belinda's right breast. Right for right. Also, how's a mouth full of Helga's tongue? Has she got a big fat cow tongue? Yeah, I was thinking

that. She's gagging on it. Also, Helga's very sure of herself, isn't she? She's just throwing herself straight in. She wasn't technically invited. I don't even remember her being invited out of a little hovel. Belinda immediately moaned and saw Robbins out of the corner of her eye start to move from one foot to the other again. Why is he on real?

He's actually on something, surely. Well, it is Amsterdam. Oh, yeah. It's all legal over there, isn't it? Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. He's had a little doobie. Belinda suddenly understood what was going on. What?

Do you understand? Robbins was a voyeur. Oh, we even knew that. He needed a show, and that was exactly what she and Helga were going to give him. And guys, that is the end of the chapter. Oh, it is? Oh.

Yeah. I mean, this feels like a bit of a cut price Giselle. Helga. Do you know what I mean? Why have burger when you've got steak at home? Do you know what I mean? A cheap Giselle. I'd rather a Donna, frankly.

Oh, where is Donna when you need her? Yeah, get Donna back. I can't believe Helga's going to put on a show. She's on her last legs, it sounds like. Oh, God, wait till you know what the next chapter's called. Oh, my God, go on. Chapter four, Helga turns it on. Unplug it, unplug it.

Finally. So, unfortunately, this is only going to be a three a three episode series of My Dad Wrote a Porn. Dr. Robbins is crackers. Oh, mad as a box of frogs. Yeah, which I kind of like that. I like it, but I'm also petrified that he's just going to gun down everyone. But yet again, Rocky has made an indelible character. Dr. Robbins.

It is amazing. You've got to hand it to him. How does he create these incredible characters that stay with us for so long? Please, guys, the good doctor. Precisely, the good Dr. Robbins. Like the good shit Lollipop or whatever it's called. Yeah, he's adding to the cast of characters, isn't he? Do we think he's been struck off, like, years ago?

He's meant to be a purchasing director. Yeah, but maybe that's why. Maybe he was a doctor. Obviously, they realised he was out of his tree insane. And retrained. Retrained. Do you think you keep your doctor title if you're struck off? Well, I think you can if you're batshit crazy.

You can just tell everyone you are still a doctor. You can do what you title if you're struck off well i think you can if you're batshit crazy you can just tell everyone you are still a doctor you can do what you like if you're mental robbins is out with the massive scissors again let him call himself a doctor i'm an astronaut on a penny farthing it's like okay robbins so there we go that's chapter three everybody we're getting through it aren't we yeah we are aren't we how are we feeling about book two i'm enjoying it i'm liking it it's different quite like the pace like it's quite slow but i'm i still really want to know what's going to happen yeah which he has this incredible ability to do rocky because book one obviously nothing happened famously and yet page turner i mean i couldn't put it down i couldn't put it down so far a celibate's manual book too so yeah

join us next week for Helga turning it on in the meantime though get your Belinda fix on all of our socials we're on Instagram at

my dad wrote a you can get us on Twitter at dad wrote a porno and do you know what Rocky would love if you wrote us a review oh yeah he loves those

so if you go on iTunes you can write us a little review. Give us some insight about which parts of the book you love. Yeah. Which characters. And also remember

you can buy Belinda Banks food. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. From Amazon and no reputable bookstore. And leave a review on Amazon as well for that. Yeah, people can read along

once again. Yeah. They're building up a little library of Rocky books now. It's quite the canon. And you can hide them on your iPhone

so no one knows you own them. It's brilliant. And you could say it was spam, couldn't you? You could just say it was something like when they put the U2 album on your iPhone.

Just say, it's something weird Apple are doing, I don't know. Just add it to your phone. Jamie, I've just got one thing to say. What's that?

Danku. Danku, guys. Danku, I've just got one thing to say. What's that? Danko. Danko, guys. Danko, Jamie. See you soon. See you soon, then. Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without

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