My Dad Wrote A Porno - S2E5 - 'Goedenavond Peter'

Episode Date: August 1, 2016

It's the return of Peter Rouse as he becomes reacquainted with Belinda in his Amsterdam pad before taking her for dinner, where she gets a little too merry. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Picture this, you're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously, on My Dad Wrote a Porno Why yes, of course doctor How silly of me not to share Here, lick my finger Oh, finger licking good The good doctor guzzled and smacked his lips in delight. Swivelling on her ass across the desk to face him

whilst opening her legs as wide as possible. Stop doing it as wide as possible. To accommodate his face and tongue. Oh, my. That's a jackpot. He is literally going to be bent over like a pig scoffing at a trough hello everybody welcome to my dad wrote a porno it's episode five chapter five alice and james are here hi guys we're already on chapter five i didn't know we were recording on now

we just came for dinner and you shoved these microphones in our mouths i've just been thinking about poor little helga turning it on if she was a battery she'd be like a really cheap brand wouldn't she the rechargeables that's what my dad still does actually recharges a battery no yeah gross saves money this episode is about rechargeable batteries isn't it well it's certainly about energy because peter rouse is back hey the mathario of book one he has a real unusual energy doesn't he he has a kind of mystique around him yeah should we kind of let's take a look back at some of peter's great moments in the past what were his greatest hits oh i thought you wanted to sound effect there sorry oh no do

it go on so we first met him in that maze wearing that beautiful black thong. But he has a lovely physique, doesn't he? So out of the guys that visited in the maze, he actually can probably pull it off. Yeah, and I think they had a bit of a connection, didn't they? Well, we thought love interest. We thought they were going to kind of fall in love. And then kablam! He put symbols all over her.

What does that mean? She was under his sexual spell or something, right? They had a psychological connection of some sort, didn't they? Yeah, something mystical anyway. Yeah, but don't forget he had a wife. The wife! Yeah. Mrs. Rose.

I always forgot about that, that he had a wife. So did he for about three days. Do you think Helga's his wife? No. Keeps her in a cupboard. She does have seven children or did we make that bit up? I think we made that up along with her being Harry Potter. I think you're thinking of the old woman who lives in a shoe yeah she does live

in a shoe a shoe box she lives in a shoe box i don't think she does know i think she went to the tombola thinking it was going to be like ascot like a nice day out for all of their wives and and girlfriends the wags the wags if you will she's got a lovely fascinator she thought it's going to be like that nice bit in pretty woman not Not the prostitute bit, but the bit where they go to the polo. Oh, sure. Yeah. Oh, I don't think I've... I must have seen that film,

but I can't remember. But yes, very good. You've never seen Pretty Woman? No, I have, I have. Back in the 90s when it came out. James. Alice. Shall we?

I'll fuck off you two. Well, are we ready to delve in? Always. Belinda Blink 2, Chapter 5, Goendavond, Peter. No, that is not how you say it. peter no that is not not right it's not right i'm not known for my dutch language skills and in lieu of making any more people offended i think i should maybe look up how to pronounce it yeah what did it mean again it means good evening peter okay

and you're saying go and be good well it's spelled very oddly in my defence. Let's do a little search. Let's see how it's actually supposed to sound. Hang on. Guten Abend. I wouldn't even say ballpark. I can hear that. So I studied German up to GCSE. Got a B, don't even worry about it. Clang.

Who the hell studies German? Who the hell gets a B? So in German it's Guten Abend. Ah. So I think it's a kind of derivative of that. Play it again. Guten Abend. Guten Abend's Guten Abend. Ah. So I think it's a kind of derivative of that. Play it again. Guten Abend. Guten Abend.

Guten Abend. Very good. Beautiful. Thank you. Really nice. Guten Abend, Peter. Sure. I don't like the face you do,

but yeah, at least we're getting the pronunciation right. Should we try it with this? Guten Abend. Peter. You'd never guess. So, Belinda Blink 2, chapter 5 Good night Peter

Belinda exited the lift and looked for reception You know where it is Which reception? This feels very like the horse and jockey when she wandered in Do you think Rocky just thought, I've written chapter two, if I do it in reverse, that saves me writing another chapter? She's back in reception.

Belinda exited the lift and looked for reception. It was empty. Perhaps they'd all gone home. Well, she has been up there for hours, by the sounds of things. Seducing Helga. Everyone else has got lives. Thank you. Belinda looked at the clock above the small reception desk.

It showed 5.30pm. At least I'm on time, she thought. Belinda sat down in a comfortable settee and waited. Sorry, so this office is full of clock watchers. 5.30 on the dot, they're like, I'm out of here. They don't even wait. Mass exodus, isn't it? Yeah, lazy bastards.

Yeah, I hate those people who are just like, ding, ding, ding, time to get out the door. Yeah, we've worked with a few of those in our past haven't we guys James you consistently leave at the same time every day Belinda looked at the clock above the small reception desk It showed 5.30pm At least I'm on time she thought On time for what? Peter?

Peter! What time are you supposed to meet him? Well I'm assuming half five Alice No I get it but like She's on time But why is she coming Rocky's given you everything you need Yeah right but why is she supposed to meet him? Well, I'm assuming half five, Alice. No, I get it, but like... She's on time. But why is she coming... Rocky's given you everything you need. Yeah, right, but why has she come back to reception?

Why doesn't she just get sent up to Peter's office? You don't always have to go back to reception, like, always. Maybe her pass only takes her to reception, I don't know. But also, like, if she went straight to his office, Dr Robbins would have to show her there, and she was probably like, do you know what, I'll wait for him at reception, leave me alone.

Yeah, you're right, yeah, OK. Maybe he'll greet her at reception. He'll probably shag her in reception knowing Peter. If they've got cameras. Done it before. Belinda sat down in a comfortable settee and waited. I love settee. My mum calls it a settee. She knew Peter was aware of her presence in the building. Perhaps he was giving her a few much needed moments to put her meeting with Dr Robbins out of her head. Well, it's 5.30 on the dot, so he's not giving her any time because he's probably about to appear. Also, how did he sense her presence in the building? Did he have some sort of spidey sense?

He was like, I feel vagina close. Maybe it's those ancient runes. Yeah, maybe it's his kind of ancient magic. I'm just picturing him in Minority Report with all these screens like, she's in Sector 12, guys swiping like just bits of glass a door opened on the far side of the room and the blonde christina walked out of it she beckoned belinda to follow her the doorway led to a conference room with a large oval table in its centre. That's going to get bonked on. Good meeting spaces.

Oh, excellent meeting spaces. Around it were 20 chairs. Quick count. It's like that maze all over again, the chairs. Do you think he's deliberately recalling everything from when we first met Peter? Oh yeah, he is obsessed with chairs. Reception, chairs. Oh, these literary allusions somehow to his own work.

Possibly. Not. I don't feel like it was deliberate. Nothing's deliberate. Yeah. This series of consonants and vowels, it's all coincidence that they make some words. This whole book is him just falling on a keyboard. And some letters came out.

The doorway led to a conference room with a large oval table in its center around it were 20 chairs all in the same dark mahogany wood but the room was empty apart from the table and chairs and christina was in there i assume and belinda and melinda so in many ways not empty it's got a plethora of furniture and two people. And also I love how impressed she is. She's like, all of the chairs matched. Like in like a major office space, they're going to have like, one's a rocking chair, one's a stool, one we found in a flea market.

Yeah, like those emergency chairs you get at Christmas, like a fold out deck chair. Oh yeah, it's always such a misfit. We don't have time, Belinda, but let's use this table for a meeting some other time in the future. Could they not use the bedroom? Christina kept walking

and opened the door on the other side of the conference room. I can't get my head around the geography of this office. It's a warren, isn't it? Yeah, it's just a maze. There's doors everywhere. And also they're all interconnecting rooms. There doesn't seem to be any corridors. Everything is just a room off a room. You have to go through a room to get through a room.

Yeah, if you're at the meeting room at the end, you've got to come through upwards of eight other meetings to get out. Yeah, it's like an actual house. Do you think it's a very contemporary design? Oh, do you think, like, almost no walls? Yeah, almost open plan. Yeah. No, but that doesn't sound...

There's a lot of doors. There's just loads of doors, isn't it? Doors and chairs. It's just a building full of doors and chairs. Do you know what I imagine? You know in Scooby-Doo where people went in wonder and came out and just kept going around? I think that's what it's like. Belinda followed her through to a lobby with thick carpet and well-proportioned leather chairs,

randomly scattered about. More chairs, and also now we've found a lobby through a meeting room. For God's sake, I want to see the floor plans immediately. No, Alice, a lobby with a thick carpet come on ew that'd be nice you'd bounce on it

it'd feel really nice underfoot girthy James girthy carpet yeah you know like some mature people have that quite thick pile carpet

in their bathroom do you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah almost springy yeah really springy like your foot gets slightly buried in it yeah

and sometimes people have it as a matching, like almost toilet seat warmer on top of it. Oh, yes. My grandma used to have that. And did you ever have the doll in the toilet roll? Oh, yeah, like the Barbie with the big skirt. Yeah, she was good.

What was she for? So that nobody knew you used toilet roll? Because surely it's more disgusting to think you don't use toilet roll. People just thought you used your hands. Yeah, it's like, oh no, they can never know about the paper. Belinda followed her through to a lobby, with thick carpet and well-proportioned leather chairs randomly scattered about. Scattered? Randomly, just thrown.

Some of them upside down, some of them propped against a wall. It's a war zone. It reminded her of a smoking room in one of the London clubs Tony had taken her to for lunch during the first week of her induction. Sounds like a horrible lunch in a smoky room. Also, you can't smoke in clubs. I was going to say, what year is this? Yeah, when is this? Christina turned to her and erotically fondled Belinda's breasts.

How else do you do it? Actually, all of the breast fondling in Rocky's books is, in my opinion, highly un-erotic. So this will be the first erotic one. Straight in there, like, just turn around and just give them a squeeze. Well, they have already kissed, remember? And undressed or whatever. Her bum was put on her boobs.

Christina turned to her and erotically fondled Belinda's breasts. She then pushed a button on the wall and reluctantly returned to the conference room, blowing a kiss at Belinda as she closed the door. So she went, Nice to see you. Press a button. What's the button do? I presume rings Peter Rouse.

Or puts the blinds up, I don't know. My, Belinda thought, how things have changed. She's now chasing me. Oh, she loves that. What I like here is that Rocky's switched it. There's a power play here. Is there? No, no, no, there isn't, you're right.

Wasn't Christina always after her? Well, I think that Belinda, like, blew her that kiss, and then Christina saw it, and that kind of opened the floodgates of their sexual liaison. You can call me Belinda if you show me your ass. Oh, was that it?

That was the deal. She does strike a great deal. She's renowned for it. So Christina's deal was, I'll press this button if I can shake your tits. My Belinda thought, how things have changed. She's now chasing me. One minute later, Peter Rouse appeared at another door. Drink, drink.

Let's drink. Cheers to Peter. So one minute later, Peter Rouse appeared at another door and said... Hang on, there's four doors in this room so far. There's more doors than walls. It's a triangular room with four doors. One minute later, Peter Rouse appears at another door and said, My darling Belinda, you have survived the rigours of Dr Peter Robbins.

Oh, and Peter is spelled P-I-E-T-E-R. Pieter. Pieter. Pieter. Pieter Robbins. Pieter Robbins. So we just found out Dr Robbins' first name after four chapters. It's a classic Flintstonian trope

It's classic Yeah But also we found out that Peter, not Pietro We found out that Peter Knew all about it Yes It was definitely his set up

And also was he not confident That she'd survive the rigours? I mean what do you think Was going to happen to her? What were the rigours? Watching him shuffle foot to foot And like gently hum Or whatever it was

Yeah He went into a trance And she just curled up like a cat in the hot patch on the desk didn't she and then helga turned it on she did not turn it on let's just like pretend that helga never happened she took it off and then she turned it on what that woolen blouse that she was wearing yeah everything was knitted gross my darling belinda it feels good being peter rouse again my darling Belinda. It feels good being Peter Rouse again. My darling Belinda, you've survived the rigours of Dr. Pietre Robbins. Peter, how good to see you again so soon.

I must say, you do look in great shape. He's sort of like four or five days ago. Yeah, how does he look any different in shape? Rouse walked over to Belinda and kissed her hand. Her hand? I imagine he's so backwards backwards he probably kissed the palm because he's such a weirdo but also who kisses someone on the hand she's not the pope especially after what they've been up to as well she's certainly not i mean he's kissed her ring but not on her end you always say the cruelest ones let's move through to what I like to call my pad, Belinda, where I can get a better view of you.

A better view? What, is it a really long, thin room? What do you mean get a better view of you? Roused. He started to use just the word roused to describe him. It sounds quite cockney though, doesn't it? Like res. Res.

Pete Res. Roused turned and led the now slightly panting Belinda by the hand into the next room. By the kissed hand or the non-kissed hand? It's very important. Also, panting? Has she been for a run? With excitement already.

She just can't contain herself. I told you, she'd be absolutely gagging for it. She's been waiting for this for, well, days. I imagine her to have, like, her tongue hanging out like a dog. It's not like she's been waiting without titillation she has been upstairs with Dr Robbo

and Olga or whatever she's called and Christina and the other day Giselle in the spa oh she's not starved is she exactly

but Peter's who she wants it's who she desires I guess you can't control that can you really especially if someone's put what has he put a hex on her what did he do? Yeah.

A horcrux. Erotic armours. Oh my God, what would her horcruxes be? The black leather dildo. A thong. Obviously. A pomegranate. And the handcuffs.

Done. Rouse turned and led the now slightly panting Belinda by the hand into the next room. Belinda gasped as she entered. To use the word stunning was an understatement. Is this Peter's pad? If this is going to be a reflection on the interior design, I'm going to jump out of that window. I don't care.

Rocky is Kevin MacLeod. This is grand designs. It pretty much is. The old warehouse roof had been replaced by a beautiful atrium. And whilst the building's walls on the canal side were still built of brick with their traditional windows, the other side had been replaced with massive sheets of glass. How do the pots and pans industry afford this level of luxury offices? James, every single household on the planet pretty much has a pot or a pan.

Even you, and I know you've not cooked anything from scratch in about 15 years. The phrase is, does not have a pot to piss in. You have to have a pot to piss in. Well, that's, yeah, all right. That's what that saying's about. Fair enough. It's about the pots and pans industry.

They are prolific. So if everyone's buying a pot to piss in, so yeah, all right, fair enough. So they are going to have lavish offices. It had been elegantly constructed and the area contained everything one needed to live in one open space. What, he lives there? That's his house? He's like Bruce Wayne.

This feels like when a corrupt leader uses the government money to pay for their own palace. He is Robert Mugabe. It's so lavish. He's Mugabe. He's Jacob Zuma of South Africa. Oh, he'll get caught. He'll get his comeuppance. It had been elegantly constructed and the area contained everything one needed

to live in one open space. Kitchen, lounge, bathrooms and bedrooms. They were all on show with only glass divisions. Oh. That sounds lovely. It does sound a tiny bit like he's got a bunker rather than a pad. You know, like everything one would need in a nuclear holocaust. Yeah, he's turning into a Bond villain more and more.

Is there going to be evidence of the wife in this bunker? I was going to say. Oh, my God, yeah. Well, if there's glass, you can't hide Belinda. You can't hide a wife. You can't hide a wife either. They will definitely meet, or at least see each other. Through four sheets of glass.

Which room is she in? Oh, my God gonna meet mrs rouse nudity was not seemingly a modest option in this living space does that make sense let's ponder that nudity was not seemingly a modest option in this living space nudity was not a modest option when is nudity a modest option never so he's saying you can't be naked in this because someone might see you in another room yeah okay peter caressed her breast and ran his other hand down her spine oh my god that's quite the operation why counting a vertebrae so one on a boob one on yeah, that's difficult. It's quite an arm span to get from front to back. Oh, hang on, it gets worse.

Peter caressed her breast and ran his other hand down her spine, feeling the shape of her pert ass with his palm. Belinda breathed deeply and quickly dispelled the thoughts of Christina from her mind. She breathed deeply a second time. She couldn't help it. This man had some sort of deep sexual attraction for her, and she found herself happily relinquishing her will to his touch.

Have they? Yeah, they have said hello, haven't they? They have spoken, yeah. Unceremoniously, yes, they have. But she's kind of spinning this. She's saying that he has a massive crush on her. She's obsessed with him. Yeah, but she's thinking about Christina, so...

No, she's just cast Christina from her mind. Rouse kissed her. And undid her jacket. It's the least he can do. Belinda could feel his penis hardening. How? On her leg? On her spine?

Where's that? One hand on one boob, one hand on a spine, one penis on a buttock. No, one hand on a spine, one palm on her ass, one hand on a tit. So he got three hands. And a penis on a leg. one penis on a buttock. No, one hand on a spine, one palm on her ass, one hand on her tit. So you've got three hands.

And a penis on a leg. It's an absolute... I'm baffled. It's chaos. Belinda could feel his penis hardening as he moved even closer to her thighs. I don't like hardening. Like, could feel it being hard, fair enough. But feel it

hardening. Going from semi to full. Yeah, there's something quite grim about that going through the gears never attractive he gently pulled her blouse up over her breasts mentally thanking her for her lack of bra and began to massage the exposed thank you no no i think no i think it's because he's mental isn't he so thank you because he's like i don't think it means internally. Yeah. He gently pulled her blouse up over her breasts,

mentally thanking her for her lack of bra and began to massage the exposed bare flesh. Bare flesh. That isn't sexy. No. Flesh isn't, is it? Flesh, no. Bare skin is, but bare flesh.

Flesh reminds me of like the Bible. Like, you know, like it? Flesh, no. Bare skin is, but bare flesh. Flesh reminds me of the Bible. You know, like Jesus gave his flesh to us. Belinda did give her flesh to us, that we may be human. Yes. It is her sacrifice. Unto us she gave it. Peter be with you. Also with you.

Belinda moaned deeply and fumbled for Peter's cock fumbled for it she's experienced enough not to be fumbling around it's broad daylight as well it's not like she can excuse herself because it's dark

and it's a room of glass there's so much light in there oh my goodness she's like sorry fantastic elimination she could just feel it hardening a minute ago

just like patting around you know when you drop something in the night. Just patting. On the duvet, where is it? So Belinda moaned deeply and fumbled for Peter's cock. Oh, fumbled for it. Peter pushed Belinda onto the kitchen sink. Ow! Mind the taps.

If you could just do those dishes before you go. Hang on, I didn't think we were going to be in the kitchen. Okay, interesting. It's a very open plan situation. I don't know if he mentioned, so. Onto the kitchen sink. Onto it. Onto the top of it.

Did she fall in? Yeah, her bum will be in the sink. In a pool of water. Yeah. That stagnant water that's been left out from the washing up. Yeah. Do you think there's a dirty pot or pan in the sink? Now that would be inappropriate. There's a dirty Belinda pan in the sink now that would be inappropriate there's

a dirty belinda in the sink peter pushed belinda onto the kitchen sink and started to fondle her tits she opened her legs wide and peter positioned his mouth over her clitoris fuck that happened suddenly yeah she's still dressed isn't she she's in the sink as well so his face is under the water surely his knees are in the little cupboard. A little bit of carrot just plopped in. Mouthful of suds. So gross. His tongue went to work.

Oh, went to work. Working nine too fast. What a way to make a living. What a way to make a living. Oh, God. His tongue went to work and Belinda relaxed against the taps. I'm just imagining it with a mouth on the tap, like... What, lapping at the dripping water? Also, there's nothing more uncomfortable

like when you're in a bath to, like, relax against the taps. They really hurt, don't they? Don't go to the tap end, famously. Yeah. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell but going to the clinic

not the ideal weekend plan well those days are over maple's virtual care has got your back with 24 7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes need a diagnosis or prescription sorted right from your phone right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. His tongue went to work and Belinda relaxed against the taps in its certainty of delivering her pleasure. She slowly removed Peter's clothing. His body scent aroused her further and she kissed his hand.

His body scent. Sorry, so much. What's his body scent? So his B. she kissed his hand his body scent sorry so much what's his body scent so his bo she's loving she's loving his bo she likes his pheromones peter responded by leaving her clitoris and moving his mouth to hers leaving her clitoris like it's leaving it on the side i'll leave that there it's exiting sorry leaving her clitoris and what so peter responded by leaving her clitoris and moving his mouth to hers it makes it sound like it's a room in the office another freaking door he stepped out of the clitoris their tongues entwined she tasted her vaginal fluid oh no i was gonna I was going to say, like, when he comes down there and starts to keep like,

no, thank you! He gets me on the shoulder! Yeah, that must be really weird. But just, it's more the use of vaginal... Fluid. Fluids, yeah. Their tongues entwined, she tasted her vaginal fluid and moved her mouth down to his penis.

Oh, God. She's still... There's a lot of sharing bodily fluids here. I'm not enjoying this. Jamie, this is rough. It's horrible. She's still in the sink. Like, she must really be, like...

Imagine it, right? She's sat in the sink. He's stood up. She must be, like, really reaching. Could she be kneeling in the sink? So she's like wet up to her waist. Her ass was in the sink. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he pushed it in. Logistics have just given me a headache. She took him completely into her mouth, tasting the... The whole of Peter Rouse. Yeah, I was going to say. I think just his penis. She took him completely into her mouth, tasting the flesh of mankind. Oh my god!

The flesh of mankind! This has got biblical, hasn't it? We were on the right track before. Oh my god the flesh of mankind Peter's cock represents the whole of mankind how big is it

oh my god that is such a good phrase so his cock is the creme de la creme of cock don't call it the creme de la creme I think that's about to come she's about to have the creme de la creme the creme de la creme of cum Don't call it the creme de la creme I think that's about to come She's about to have the creme de la creme

The cum de la cum She took him completely into her mouth Tasting the flesh of mankind I mean I love that That is so stupid Oh my god James is putting that on his fucking grinder profile as we speak I am none the wiser

Fancy tasting the flesh of mankind Swag right Cum de la cum his fucking grinder profile as we speak. I am none the wiser. Fancy tasting the flesh of mankind? Swag right. Come de la cam. The flesh of mankind. Up and down she went, taking him deeper with each cycle. So her nose is going to be deep in his belly button.

His hard penis had now reached the back of her throat. Oh, good God. Well, I kind of presume that if you're going balls deep, literally. The back of your throat, though. His hard penis had now reached the back of her throat, and she timed her breathing to stop herself from gagging. It's like when you're swimming, isn't it? You have to make sure you're always like... Yeah, you've got to time it, that's true.

Put your mouth out of the pool. Can't she breathe out of her nose? Or is it up there as well? It sounds like every... Orifice is... Everything's full. ...is engaged. There's no room at the inn. So his hard penis had now... I'm sorry, this is so gross. I feel a bit ill.

So his hard penis had now reached the back of her throat and she timed her breathing to stop herself from gagging. Great, okay. Then it was all over. Oh, thank God. Peter came and Belinda sucked up the hot, frothy, white, liquid semen. It's like cappuccino.

Why is it a chai latte? He's a barista. Frothy. You should get one of those little whizzers. Also, it shouldn't be throthy, right? It's been shaken up like a bottle of pop. It suggests there's a problem there and Peter should get checked. So then it was all over.

Peter came and Belinda sucked up the hot, throthy, white liquid semen. Oh, mate. There's just no need for that. There's a lot of words there. Your dad wrote those words, by the way. I know. Thank you.

Yeah. I'm never having a milkshake again. James! I'm not even having a light goat's cheese. Then it was all over. Peter came and Belinda sucked up the hot, throthy, white liquid semen. She adored the salt.

Oof. And it saved her from having to eat too many high-protein peanuts. Oh, my. If that's what she's telling herself. This whole thing is so she doesn't have to eat peanuts. Has a professional dietician recommended that? Nutritionist? Oral sex is not a substitute for have to eat peanuts. Has a professional dietician recommended that? Nutritionist? Oral sex is not a substitute for protein or salt.

Wait a sec, is she mistaking penis for peanuts? Classic. That's what it is. We've all been there. Don't look before. Make and tame penis. I wish she had a penis allergy. That would save her so much time.

Get her an EpiPenen she smiled at this ridiculous thought which had come to her at that very moment when her mind should have been focused on other more important things at least she's recognizing it now that her mind wanders but also like she's just pissing herself she's drinking stuff she's pissing herself as well at least she's in the sink at least least she's got that pot. Yeah. She has got a pot to piss in. Peter massaged her neck. What are you smiling at, Belinda?

A really silly thought, she replied. But if you must know, it was about salt. Great post-coital chat. Ha ha. Not pots and pans then So you're human after all They both laughed Happy in each other's embrace But enough of this foreplay

I want to fuck you hard now Belinda What position shall we take? Was that foreplay? Yeah I thought it was over Peter's got some stamina I'll give it to him like You'll give it to him? No

He's just come And he's ready to go again Peter's got some stamina. I'll give it to him. You'll give it to him? He's just come and he's ready to go again. That's impressive. Belinda thought for a moment and said, well, if you want a deeply penetrating experience, then why not the aptly named leg glider? Eh? I think Dad's been Googling.

I hope. Leg glider. What are we imagining that is? Google it one of you Do we think this is going to be quite an exotic position? I hope not I've just been told I've got to be over 18 to go to the website I'm about to go to Okay, good This bodes well To prove your age you'll need to have your credit card handy

Okay, what website have you gone to? Do not let James loose without a parental guidance lock. Why is your face doing that? His eyes are darting, Jamie. There will be some things you've never seen before, obviously. So, I found an image. It's called the leg glider or romp with a view. Like that.

So, the lady is laying on her side. Lady. The female. With the leg nearest the floor laying straight out on the floor. Okay. And the other leg is like up in the air. Yeah. And then the man has come between the legs.

He's already come. On his knees. And he's kind of entered it. So she's kind of like scissoring her legs. She's doing like an 80s aerobics manoeuvre, when you lie on your side and put your leg up and down. So she's Jane Fonda? She's Jane Fonda, and he is...

Low impact. A kid at a wedding sliding on his knees. It's that vibe, isn't it? That is exactly it, yeah. Save that picture and we'll put it on Instagram. Oh yeah, alright. Okay, well let's see if Dad knows what it is. So, why not the aptly named Leg Glider?

Why yes, of course, replied Peter. Lie down on the bed and raise your right leg. Very good. Bravo, Rocky. Rocky has done his homework. Is that a good thing? Do you feel happy about that? No, not at all.

Because homework doesn't necessarily mean that he looked it in on the internet. I think it's nice when people experiment in their older age. Do you? Yeah. And bring their real world experiences into their writing. Yeah, that can be nice too. No, yeah, you're right. I'm sure it is good for them, etc.

Belinda did as she was told, making sure she supported her head with her bent left arm. Sorry, yeah, that was part of the position which I forgot to mention. Peter knelt beside her and placed her raised leg on his shoulder. He slowly entered her and kept going. What, just kept going in? Ploughed her. Belinda moaned deeply for what seemed like the 50th time that day.

Yeah, we're all agreeing on something then. She's such a moaning Margaret. The angle of penetration was superb as his penis touched her clit with every movement. Fuck. Shall I just give you a pat on the shoulder? Okay.

Just hit me. Just punch me in the face. You can do it. Do you feel really proud? No. Can you stop looking at me like that as well, Alice? I feel like gleefully just reveling in this this is this is worse than anything we've read before this is probably

the most detailed thing we've ever had to do some form of like research i don't like it practical research or something no it's not practical it's all computer based i think it's all theory but jamie yeah he hasn't passed his practical but jam. But Jamie, if it's any reassurance, there's only 12 chapters to go. Oh, God. When you say it like that, my insides just turn to mush. Oh, God. Let's just get through it. Come on. Oh, seriously.

Belinda moaned deeply for what seemed like the 50th time that day. The angle of penetration was superb as his penis touched her clit with every movement. Peter took his breath in even spasms as he went in and out, penetrating her cervix deeper each and every time. How many times? To be fair to him, this position is probably the most feasible

to actually penetrate the cervix. It's probably penetrating some kind of kidney or something as well. I think it's coming out of her mouth. I think we should celebrate the return of the cervix. Yeah, that's nice. Cheers to that. Cheers. Some delicate glasses.

They both reached orgasm level far too quickly for their liking. Or reached orgasm. Orgasm level. Level five. They're not in the lift again. Yeah, it's like Street Fighter. Finish her! They both reached orgasm level far too quickly for their liking

and the bed became a sea of body fluids. Oh my God! How did it? Come on! How's he got anything left in him? She gobbled down her two pints like seconds ago. However, they had managed to keep their rhythm for at least five minutes before collapsing on their backs, exhausted. Peter was the first to stir and got up to check his watch. I have dinner organised for 8pm at one of my special restaurants, which I hope you will enjoy,

then a trip to the casino to test out your luck. The night is young here. I feel like Melinda's got quite an evening in store. Oh yeah, it, yeah. They haven't even got to dinner. They've got a lot to go, haven't they? This is still office hours. Peter quickly changed into a dark pants and roll neck combination. Oh, nice. Oh, yeah. He's just covered in cum and fluid.

And then dressed up as Steve Jobs. Steve Blowjobs. Peter quickly changed into a dark pants and roll neck combination, which was both casual and smart. This was essential, as it would also allow him access to the casino later that evening. What, his clothes? Yes. Why, was he planning on wearing trainers, but then he was like, going to the casino?

Belinda opened her briefcase and quickly pulled out her crumpled skimpy and extremely revealing evening gown briefcase also forgot she had a briefcase she had that with her a whole the whole time who keeps an evening gown in her briefcase she's ready for anything what is it crumpled yeah so it's crumpled up and... Just gone. Non-existent by the looks of it. Belinda opened her briefcase and quickly pulled out her crumpled, skimpy and extremely revealing evening gown. Wow, said Peter. What else have you got in there? Yeah, what else has she got in there? She's like Mary Poppins.

Oh no, she's not like Mary Poppins. Look at his face. Belinda blinked. Oh! They left by private elevator. They left by private elevator which led to the garage underneath the building

where Peter kept his black Porsche 911 Gambela Avalanche. They jumped into the extremely low-slung vehicle. Belinda's gown slipped, revealing her attributes, and Peter quickly drove them to the restaurant, taking the opportunity to show Belinda the major sights of

Amsterdam at night. He eventually pulled up outside a chic little place called Restaurant d'Albert, tossed the key at the valet, and they disappeared inside. Like Albert. Yeah. Brilliant. Albert's restaurant. Belinda looked around for the valet, and they disappeared inside. Like Albert. Yeah. Brilliant. Albert's restaurant. Belinda looked around for the first time, whilst pulling her non-existent gown back into place,

after the ravages of the car journey. The ravages of the car journey? Was she being like, what's Formula One? Belinda looked around for the first time, whilst pulling her non-existent gown back into place, after the ravages of the car journey, and saw that the small, intimate restaurant was themed in the era of the 1920s,

just after the First World War. Thank you. How did you know it was just after? Oh, that 1920s, right, got you. Yeah, exactly. Beautiful chandeliers hung from the ceilings, gas lamps spluttered, giving a timeless ambience to the dining area.

Not timeless, just after the First World War. Yes. Gas lamps spluttered, giving a timeless ambience to the dining area. Not timeless, just after the first of all. Yes. Gas lamps spluttered, giving a timeless ambience to the dining area. And the waiters were all dressed in dinner jackets with tails. Oh, nice. So quite fancy then. Posh, yeah. And she's wearing some cellophane mini dress.

This really is Pretty Woman. Oh my, it is. Is it? How have you never seen it? I have seen it for years. It's an old film. It's a famous film. Yeah, for girls.

And gays. Thank you. The floor and panelling was all polished oak, reminiscent of Peter's head office. Probably one of the reasons he liked dining here. Menus were given out, and Belinda's heart jumped when she saw the prices of the starters. I mean, he's obviously going to treat. An aperitif, I believe, would be in order, Belinda's heart jumped when she saw the prices of the starters. I mean, he's obviously going to treat.

And a pair of teeth, I believe, will be in order, Belinda, said Peter. What do you fancy whilst we peruse the menu? She's probably looking out for the cheapest thing. Tap water, please. A vimto. Thank you, Peter. I'll have the Campari, if you don't mind. Excellent choice.

I'll join you in that. They eventually ordered fish starters with steak for the main course. The restaurant was French in food style and the garlic was heavy. But the food was out of this world. But the food was out of this world. Like the French aren't famed for great food.

Belinda had eaten many a fine meal, but this one was exceptional. I bet it was. She's under a spell. Could have been McDonald's and she'd have been like, i bet it was she's under a spell could have been mcdonald's and she'd have been like oh it was wonderful the chips were large and garlicky of course no good meal was perfect unless it had the correct wine and the wine waiter was very attentive to their table they've got a wine waiter sommelier She doesn't know what she's talking about. Belinda had a shrewd idea why this was so.

Her skimpy dress had decided to stabilise itself just below her nipples. And for that... Below? That's not stable. It's not a dress. It's just a sheet

she's wrapped round. But it's found a place where it feels comfortable to rest. It's very much unstable. She is looking unstable. Oh, she's unstable for sure. She's tucking into a steak with her nipples like grazing in the Bernays.

Her skimpy dress had decided to stabilise itself just below her nipples. And for that, she was thankful. Peter seemed happy. He had talked over dinner about his business, his expansion plans, how Belinda's company could grow with them, and how he wanted to introduce Belinda to his wife, Chris. Are you joking? Whoa.

The goal. Two things. Yes. Sounds like he didn't let Belinda get a word in for the whole dinner. He was just gabbing on. Oh, yeah. Oh, did you see the football last night? No, no, no, no.

Yeah, because she's always trying to get a word in. Never. Chris. Dina. Chris Dina. Oh my God, do you think? That would make sense. So Belinda's already had it off with Peter Rouse's wife.

Oh my God, I love this. So it's all getting so connected. So Christina is Peter Rouse's wife. It's Christina Rouse. Christina Rouse. It's also a pun. Christina Rouse. Oh, stop.

It's so good. Peter seemed happy. He had talked over dinner about his business, his expansion plans, how Belinda's company could grow with them, and how he wanted to introduce Belinda to his wife, Chris. He called them similar in outlook, and Belinda wondered what he meant.

Did she wear virtually nothing when they went out for dinner? Or was that just the lot of the supplier? What? Also, that's not her outlook. You don't say, what's Belinda's outlook? Well, she doesn't wear much to dinner. That's not her philosophy. Did she wear virtually nothing when they went out for dinner

or was that just the lot of the supplier? I mean, makes no sense. Makes no sense. No doubt time would tell. No doubt. The name Chris also rang a bell, but she just couldn't place it. You were rubbing your tits on her ass about two hours ago.

To be fair, she did take her out of her mind, so... She's only just cast her from her mind as well. Does Belinda really, like, compartmentalise things? Just, like, shove things in her mouth? But she's got a thing for rouses, because she couldn't get her off her mind when she first met Peter. There's something magical about them both. Yeah.

Soon it was nearly time to move on to the casino, and the two bottles of Margot, drunken during the meal, had left Belinda feeling a little... Drunken. Yeah. Drunken. Sounds like Rocky's drunken. Had left Belinda feeling a little tipsy.

Her drunken state had further increased when they shared a decent bottle of vintage port, which Belinda felt ended the meal on a very special high. A bottle of port? A whole bottle. She absolutely pissed as a yak. Port is so strong. It is. It's like properly fermented wine, isn't it?

It's like communion wine. Yeah. As she got up to leave, the alcohol took hold of her, and she stumbled on her right high heel, lost her balance, and fell over. Oh no! The vintage port was obviously having its desired effect. The dress was immediately pulled away from her breasts

and at the same time came riding up her thighs to end up in a ball around her stomach. So everything's out, essentially. Everything's out. She was now virtually naked, apart from her sexy high heels. She's not naked. Her dress is just bunched up.

Yeah, but she doesn't have a bra on for definite and I'd be surprised if she had pants on. Well, sounds like she's only wearing high heels. But there's one way to sort that out. Pull it down, pull it up. Also, how, like, catastrophically did she fall over? Like, literally arse over tit. Yeah, sounds like she's right

in that canal, doesn't it? It's that vintage port guy. It's lethal. Told you. A sound of clapping and the odd whistle came from the few other remaining diners as they watched this impromptu performance. From the diners in a really posh restaurant where the waiters wear tails. I don't think so.

They're not applauding a woman falling over and baring her ass, are they? What are they doing? You fell over, you fell over. A sound of clapping and the odd whistle came from the few other remaining diners as they watched this impromptu performance. Belinda raised herself to her knees with her tits flopping all over the place.

This is just ridiculous. Yes, it's Belinda Blinked. Belinda raised herself to her knees with her tits flopping all over the place and promptly removed her high heels. Yeah, that's the problem. Seriously. She then slipped the dress off over her head and wrapped the heels in it. What? She's whipped the dress

off and then bundled her heels into it. So she's naked? Yeah. Completely naked? She's turned... I'm sorry. She's completely naked? Why? This is not normal behaviour, even by Belinda's standards.

Completely naked, she turned to Peter and said, I knew this garment would come in useful for something. It makes a terrific handbag. Oh, my God, she's lost her sweet mind. What? Is she on? If I was Peter, I'd be like, I'm so sorry, madam. I don't know what you mean.

And pretend like I'd never met her. Peter laughed as Belinda curtsied the cheering restaurant. You've got nothing to hold for the curtsy. What is going on? What? If I was Peter, I'd be like, oh my God, something's like clicked in the mind. She's gone crazy, like cover up. She's gone to Lally, yeah.

Get your coat for her. You'd get a blanket round her and you'd call an ambulance, wouldn't you? She's having an episode. Immediately. She's Blanche Dubois at the end of the play. Peter laughed as Belinda curtsied to the cheering restaurant.

She belched, cleared her swimming head and walked slowly out of the room, waving her tits and swaying her ass seductively at the goggling clientele. There's nothing seductive about this. Also, waving her tits like she's waving her hands. Bye! She belched, cleared her swimming head and walked slowly out of the room,

She belched, cleared her swimming head and walked slowly out of the room, waving her tits and swaying her ass seductively at the goggling clientele. That's it. And that's the end of chapter five. Phew! I think she's finally lost her mind. Surely she's not going to carry on the night from here. If I was Peter, I'd take her straight home, get her into bed.

I'm not sure she is going to go home because chapter six is called Casino Et Toi, Amsterdam. So she's carrying on the night. She's carrying on the fucking night. But naked on the roulette table, you can't do that. Do you know what? It should be a good distraction for Peter because isn't it always good to have someone at the roulette table who's like distracting the other players she'd be like Sharon Stone in Casino yeah sure I haven't seen it

but yeah I imagine she will it's a classic guys you haven't seen Pretty Woman okay if I watch Pretty Woman you watch Casino deal? I don't know I'm quite busy

can we just watch Pretty Woman again? so you've got to join us next week guys for chapter 6 Casino Etoi Amsterdam in the meantime don't forget you can get in touch

via our social channels twitter at dad wrote a porno instagram at my dad wrote a facebook just search my dad wrote a porno and you can email us if you have any longer questions queries ideas my dad wrote a porno at gmail.com And our book is now on pre-order. Yeah, it is. So get your hands on the actual original copy of Belinda Blink-1

with all of our notes and loads of extra stuff from Rocky Flintstone. Our annotated guide to the world of Belinda. Indeed. You can pre-order it on Amazon now.

Just search for mydadwroteaporno. You don't just have to have the e-book anymore. You can actually have it in the flesh. The flesh of mankind. See you next week.

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