My Dad Wrote A Porno - S2E7 - 'The Countess Zara'

Episode Date: August 15, 2016

Belinda's bizarre night in Amsterdam continues as she meets Zara, The Countess of Leningrad...and also, it seems, the madam of a brothel. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno A Russian entrepreneur. Hmm. Surely he has needs for pots and pans. He doesn't. It's any business.

Man's gotta eat. who doesn't it's any business man's gotta eat now she had the perfect opportunity to get Lara out of her hair while sucking

Grigor in and with him access to the continent of Russia and it's millions of customers it's not passport control also Russia

isn't a continent not a continent. Not a continent. Grigor whispered the words, my auntie is sick. Grigor, mate, you're sick in the head hello guys welcome back to my dad wrote a porno it's chapter 7 I've got James and Alice

how do you say hello in Russian spasiba oh no that's thank you same thing spasiba spasiba

okay spasiba to you too spasiba so we did leave so we did leave Grigor, Kalansky and Belinda about to enter. No, they've just entered this. This strange speakeasy come like secret members club.

Don't say come. You're right. I'm sorry. Okay. Yes, they're in there now and they're about to see the Countess Zara. Oh, yeah. Because she's just arrived, I think. And she's quite a formidable sort.

Well, I'm hoping she's like the Duchess of this book. Has she spoken? I can't remember if she's spoken yet formidable sort. Well, I'm hoping she's like the Duchess of this book. Has she spoken? I can't remember if she's spoken yet. No. No, no, no. I think they've just seen her across the misty room, I think. They know she's there. Yeah.

They felt her presence. Yeah, because Regal just said, look across the room. I think you're about to find out who Countess Zara is. Oh, God. If she's as mad as the Duchess, I fear for Blinda's life. Well, she's going to be Russian, I'd imagine. Or Leningrad. Yeah, Russian.

Is Leningrad like an oldie Russian place or does it still exist now? There's a Billy Joel song, that's all I know. That's all anyone knows. I think that she'll be much, much younger than the Duchess. Oh, do you think? I think she'll be sexy and young. Countess does sound younger for some reason. Countess sounds...

Zara sounds young, doesn't it? I know you can be an old Zara, but... I just think of the shop. Do you think she owns that Zara shop? She's wearing lovely clothes. And lovely homewares. Well, pots and pans, you know. I mean, apparently everyone in Russia just covers all bases, from caviar to

pots to vans. Alice, it's a huge market. It is, you're right. It's a huge continent, as Belinda quite rightly said anyone ever been to russia i haven't i do want to go to russia though we've all been close by oh yeah we did go to the ukraine that time didn't remember that that unusual unorthodox family holiday that we all took but a lot of them like kind of speak a bit of russian too so i feel like i've had a small taste yeah that's where you got some seba from no i just know that i'm just very well lingered in the lingo i'm just very learned and apparently you don't even have to go to

russia to experience russia because obviously amsterdam is just full of russians pseudo russia and i think if i'm not wrong that rocky will i presume have some prior knowledge of russia because when he like throws little bits little tidbits of like cultural knowledge in that's generally because he's experienced it is that right he's googled it I hope not I hope that none of what is in these books is something that my dad's actually experienced but so what happened in Dr Robin's office was what purely conjecture it's using his imagination Alice he's an author and he's better for it um I don't know if he's ever been to Russia I don't think he has but he may have been been. Who knows? He was a travelling salesman, no? Yeah, but I don't think he went to...

Covered that continent. Yeah. I don't think his travels took him... He probably took him to Yorkshire, not Russia. He went inter-railing at university. Well, there you go. Around Europe. You know how people used to do that.

Bob around on the train. God, he's lived such a life. He should do his own memoirs. I think you're reading them, James. Please don't say that. This is autobiographical well he's got it from somewhere they say write what you know

and that's how you write good oh yeah no it isn't yeah they do say write what you know but I think it's is it like the saying unless you've got something nice to say don't say anything at all

write what you know unless you haven't got anything good to say in which case just don't write at all as my stepdad often says throw enough shit and some will stick nice shout out for nigel i love that a lovely speech at the graduation hey so what do we think is going to happen in this speakeasy then well something probably illegal it feels illicit doesn't it yeah maybe illicit's a better word than illegal i think something sexy will definitely happen although Although Belinda, always eye on the prize.

So I think some business will also occur. Well, guys, let's find out. I'm itching to know. Yeah, let's stop speculating, eh? So, Belinda Blink II, Chapter 7, The Countess Zara. A middle-aged woman. Oh. So she is younger.

Barely. Dressed in a long, white evening dress. Like a wedding gown. Not quite the Panama hat linen combo. But they do always wear white. Maybe it's symbolism. Or maybe it's just so if she gets cum on it, you won't it oh wow i mean who knew that was a strategy thank you for enlightening us all james for that kind of talk thank you very much a middle-aged woman dressed in a long white evening dress entered the room

and made straight for the kolansky table she was a stunningly beautiful woman who wore little makeup her high cheekbones and sharp features reminded belinda of the russian ballerina she had worshipped as a child i don't know belinda had a keen interest in in ballet well you learn something new every day with this book james she sounds kind of spiky though yeah kind of hard looking mean looking a beautiful hook nose and spiky ears. Is she doing one of those make-up free selfies for charity or something? Why has she got no make-up on?

For the asses and donkeys trust perhaps. Maybe. God knows they need the money. She was a stunningly beautiful woman who wore little make-up. Her high cheekbones and sharp features reminded Belinda of the Russian ballerina she had worshipped as a child. Her breasts were magnificent. Of course. We just assume they are. And even Belinda could see her thighs were every man's dream.

Does your dad love a thigh? No comment, I guess so. How can she see the thighs through the gown? A long white evening dress is a good question. Maybe just like a little bit of muscle definition was coming through the fabric. She's got really strong thighs. Really, really defined. Like a shot putter's thighs.

Maybe that's what your dad likes. Maybe. A track and field thigh. Oh, Rocky. Oh, Rocky. Her breasts were magnificent. And even Belinda could see her thighs were every man's dream. What is every man's dream thigh?

What's your dream thigh, Jamie? Yeah, I don't know. What's your dream thigh? Just like a normal slender thigh, I guess. Definition? Muscle? Not overly, no. You know that side line?

That's everyone's thigh, isn't it? Whose thigh doesn't have that? Larger people. Yeah, mine definitely has that. Yeah, I'm working on my side line. That's everyone's thigh, isn't it? Whose thigh doesn't have that? Larger people. Yeah, mine definitely has that. Yeah, I'm working on my side line. Just tense it, Alice, for God's sake. Mine just looks like that thing they shave kebab meat off of. That big elephant leg.

In a kebab shop window. It's as thick at the top as it is at the bottom. Oh, God. Cankles. What an image. Belinda could see her thighs were every man's dream. Long, powerful and smooth. Smooth.

Well done for shaving. You'd be worried if they were hairy. You'd be worried, would you? Because women have a right not to shave. Oh, God, don't you see? We'll be here all night. Keep your kebab thighs to yourself. Wow.

Oh my God, I totally have Donna legs. Bella Donna or Donna kebab. Chicken or lamb? Because chicken's really lumpy. Mixed. Don't they do a mixed? Have you ever been lying on the beach and someone's tried to drag you back into the shop?

Someone has put garlic mayo on me before. Loads of drunk tourists. I'll have a bit of that. So, you thought you would keep me waiting, Mr. Kalansky. I think you'll find the wait worthwhile. Can I introduce my new business associate, Belinda Blumenthal. English. This is the Countess Zara of Leningrad, our host tonight.

Hang on. So he introduced her as Belinda Blumenthal and then starts calling her English again? Well, that's his little nickname for her, isn't it? I'm not sure about that nickname. Is it supposed to be affectionate? I don't know. I think it's a bit misogynistic. It's almost putting her in her place.

Yeah, it's a bit of a power play. Got you. English. This is the Countess Zara of Leningrad, our host tonight. Why, I'm delighted to meet you, Countess, Belinda replied. Oh, too eager. Just play it fucking cool for once. But she loves the aristocracy.

Anyone with the title, she's like putty. Darling, enchanted. Oh. I hope you're keeping my little Grigor here on the path of fame and riches. After all, he knows how to spend the money he does so well at making. I imagine... Come on. It makes no sense.

I imagine the Countess to be a bit of like a darling, great to meet you. Oh, yeah. Like one of those long cigarettes in like a Cruella de Vil. Oh, yes. Long cigarette holder with a cigarette. Oh, very good. I love you, Grigor darling. Yeah, darling enchanted.

Do I keep my hat on the beard? I don't know, I've just grigo darling darling enchanted do i keep in my hat man then beard i don't know i should go to mexican darling enchanted i hope you are keeping my little grigo here on the path to fame and riches yes i love it i bet she's got a ring on everything like five rings on everything definitely and kind of flowing fabric like the there'll be a lot of chiffon going on yeah maybe a fur i don't think he says it there, but I imagine a head on it. A stole or something, yeah. Yes, exactly. With the fox's head on it. Yes.

You know, the little feet. Probably still alive. As if to emphasise her point, the waiter arrived with the two bottles of champagne, caviar and oysters. A celebration, I see, said the Countess. Grigor smiled and opened his arms. Please join us, Countessess zara i presume you've been too busy to eat tonight i imagine the countess zara of leningrad most like alice

out of everyone in the book so far when alice gets older she's gonna be like hello dally nice to see you i want you to become an old hag yeah what do you mean i mean she's already quite an old hag to be fair i think i if i ever have grandkids i think i will be like darling come closer no not you the pretty one my favorite but which character do you most identify with in the book you know who i identify with who helga same dress then honestly when you were like like, mocking her, I was like, where does it say the jumper was from? I have seen you in a knitted blouse before, so...

Grigor smiled and opened his arms. Please join us, Countess Zara. I presume you've been too busy to eat tonight. Thank you. I will. Business is booming, and I'm short-staffed again. My Russian girls just can't keep up with my clients. And the Dutch girls do so know their European working rights. It's a nightmare.

So it counters as a madam of a brothel. Did we know it was a brothel? If we did, I'd forgotten it was definitely a brothel. It was in the red light district, so you would assume it was in a brothel. Also, I love that she's getting annoyed that they don't want to work like 24 hours a day without a break god bless the eu seriously i feel sorry for our prostitutes in this country they've been stranded james what they're going to do now they'll have to work through without a break i love that dad's weaving in kind of in the scheme of things not sexy contract chat i mean legislation on working

hours is not going to get anybody that wet, is it? Well, I don't know. I don't know. Depends what you're into. It does. It's a nightmare. Grigor laughed. Such is the way of business, Countess.

Feast or famine. Suddenly, the lights dimmed and the tall blonde man appeared on a little stage discreetly tucked away from the general view. It's not really a very good stage then, is it? May as well not be on a stage. He's in a cloakroom somewhere. Tall blonde man.

He was the one that answered the door and ushered them in. Oh, okay. I was going to say, I'm sure I'd heard of him before. Oh, you were sure? Sounds familiar. Suddenly the lights dimmed and the tall blonde man appeared on a little stage discreetly tucked away from general view. And all that jazz. I was going to say, it sounds like cabaret or something.

Oh, well, hang on. Tonight, I give you our final act. Oh. Our resident singer and Parisian striptease artiste, Chantel. I mean, name a girl Chantelantal what's going to happen no offence to any Chantal's listening obviously Chantal, Giselle

Lara, Zara Bella, Donna you know all of them why make up lots of names when you can just change letters when you can just use derivatives of others

tonight I give you our final act our resident singer and Parisian striptease artiste Chantal oi oi yes I bet Chantal's shit a polite applause in the surrounding singer and Parisian striptease artiste Chantel. Oi, oi, yes. I bet Chantel's shit.

A polite applause. Everyone's seen Chantel before like, oh great. A polite applause from the surrounding table saw a mostly naked female take the stage. Mostly naked. Her breasts were covered in delicate muslin. Muslin? You know that's what like babies are sick on. I was going to say, what is muslin muslin you know that's what like babies are sick on i was gonna say what is muslin it's like it's literally what you use to mop a child down or alternatively if you're

making your own cheese i was gonna say you could strain like cottage cheese through it that's all i can think of her breasts were covered in delicate muslin, which enhanced her mystique. There's nothing mysterious about Chantel. Also, I feel like she's going to sing a really shit song. Yeah. What do you think she's going to sing? Probably I Will Always Love You. What do you think? Oh, wait, Knowing Your Dad, won't it be something very...

Will it be Go Lassie Go again? The upbeat version with nipple tassels. With like a dance track behind it. Mts, mts, mts, where you go? No, ABBA, something like that. I don't know. We're in Amsterdam. They're Russian.

Aqua? Barbie Girl? I was going to say, do you think we'll try and choose something really up to date that is just not up to date at all? Oh, like... Oh, you think like a sort of novelty European record? Yeah, like a one hithit wonder European dance track. Like DJ Yotzi.

Yeah. Mr. Wazzo, that sort of thing. That's what I'm thinking. A small dental floss thong failed to partially cover her lower parts and black long leather boots completed her outfit. That's not an outfit. But it partially covered her lower parts. What does that mean? It means they're not an outfit. What does that mean?

It means they're not properly covered. Oh. Always floss. At least twice a day. If you want your vagina to be healthy, twice a day. ball dental floss thong failed to partially cover her lower parts and black long leather boots completed her outfit. The most striking thing about the girl was her perfectly shaven head. Oh! Another one.

That's not what I thought you were going to say. That wasn't the picture I was getting. I thought you were going to say pussy. Maybe she's going for that, is it gamine? Yeah, like a kind of gamine look. Yeah. The amber rose. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. The most striking thing about the girl was her perfectly shaven head. It was so beautiful, Belinda had to look twice. I feel like she made this noise. Gleaming with oil. The head? The head. What?

Like a bowling ball. That might just be sebum. That might be natural grease Oh Gleaming with oil The sheer nakedness of this part of her body Demanded attention What, her head?

A naked head And it was only when she started to sing That the audience started to appreciate The rest of her sensual body I mean, you would be like Distracted by a bald head, to be fair There's a lot going on that I'd be distracted by.

The muslin. The dental flaws. The dental flaws. You'd be like, where's this coming from because I can't see a stage anywhere. Oh wait, it's hidden in that corner.

Her mystique was hidden by the fact that the stage wasn't anywhere to be seen. The countess slowly got up making sure not to disturb the act going on in front of them. Daddy, darling,

excuse me, darling, daddy, while she's singing. Knocking over knocking over loads of glasses oh don't make me darling literally just oysters flying everywhere she whispered to griegel i'll see you in my room in 10 minutes bring belinda she looks let me say interesting oh that's a backhanded compliment they're so

gonna have sex and little does she know she's the least interesting woman in the world she's also riddled yeah seriously

Belinda needs an STI check doesn't she though a trip to the clinics in order for Belinda I think that maybe she has had one. It just isn't that interesting to include in the book maybe.

That's never stopped Rocky before. This is true. Maybe it's too interesting to include in the book. I'll see you in my rooms in 10 minutes. Bring Belinda. She looks, let me say, interesting. I love how Turkish the countess is. I'm enjoying it, whatever it is.

Whatever it is, it totally is the Countess for me. Grigor nodded and kept his eyes fixed on Chantel, who was now singing her second number. One of his favourites. What was it? A sexy version of A Walk in the Black Forest. Never heard of it. Never heard of it. never heard of it never heard of it you've never heard of that song i don't know it i just know that it's a very old weird song it's a sexy

version of it though it's a sexy what's it about a walk in the black forest yeah i think so can we get the lyrics yeah i was gonna say let's get the lyrics okay Okay, I've found them. So it's by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. Wow. Where are they? I've been wondering when they're going to release some new material. So, the trees join hands and say, hello. And suddenly, everywhere we go, the sun beams through in fun. How is she going to make this sexy?

It seems a bit like a child's song at the minute. It doesn't seem like a Chantel kind of song. The leaves form patterns like a heart and whisper forever never part oh that's sexy be true because i love you do you think she'll do something where she like parts her boobs or like parts her vaginal lids or like parts her ass cheeks or something yeah like actions yeah exactly i'm taking it to the bridge now oh great shadows write words of love across our path. Birds sing how lucky those whose love just grows together. Did Rocky write this song under an alias? Is he promoting his own material? Oh my God, can you imagine? I know we can't play it on the podcast, but just listen to it. Okay.

Jamie, can you mute the mics? Excuse this brief interlude. Oh, it's quite upbeat, isn't it? It's very jolly, isn't it? It's quite 50s-y. It's not sexy. I like it when the piano comes in. Ding, ding, ding. Something Little House on the Prairie about it. Yes, very much so.

Kind of like... Honky Tonk. Honky Tonk, yes, exactly. Well, if you want to listen to it, I'll post it on Twitter and Facebook. Oh, good. It is worth a listen. Everyone can get dancing

to A Walk in the Black Forest. It will set the tone for Chantal's performance, so I would recommend it. Yeah, you need the soundtrack to the Walk in the Black Forest. It will set the tone for Chantel's performance, so I would recommend it. Yeah, you need the soundtrack to the scene. You really do. So Chantel's singing the least sexy song ever written. She's doing her best to make it sexy, so ten points to her.

Do you think she's like doing a bit Marilyn Monroe, like personal. It's like, Hold hands with the leaves. You can't just put boop boop be do in the middle of everything. How do you make it sexy? Grigor nodded and kept his eyes fixed on Chantel, who was by now singing her second number, one of his favourites, a sexy version of A Walk in the Black Forest.

Belinda could see Grigor was enjoying it. And while she knew the tune she couldn't place the words as they were in French. Oh now we have French lyrics. I wish we'd read on. It's a very international chapter isn't it? Isn't it? They're in Amsterdam, he's Russian, she's singing in French and Belinda's English. While she knew the tune she couldn't place the words as they were in French. Chantelle was now completely naked, except for her black boots. Once Zara was out of earshot, Kalansky turned to Belinda and said very softly, Whatever you encounter in the next 200 minutes... She's going to watch Titanic, isn't she?

That's 200 minutes long. Oh, my God. React with complete acceptance. Remember, I have your back. You're my guest and future business partner. I will not let you come to any harm. I repeat, I will not let you come to any harm. What on will not let you come to any harm what on earth is going to happen in the next 200 minutes and also 200 minutes that's probably going to cover us for

the rest of the book so what is that that's three hours and 20 minutes why not just say three hours that's so stupid who measures anything in that time nobody ever says okay in the next 1440 minutes we are gonna do some really great work at 24 hours people that's some fast maths thank you whatever you encounter in the next 200 minutes react with complete acceptance remember i have your back you are my guest and my future business partner. I will not let you come to any harm. I repeat, I will not let you come to any harm. Belinda blinked.

Yay, drink! What the hell is going on, she thought. Oh, thank God. Is this Russian mafia? Or just one of those great evenings out where crazy things happen? Sometimes you've got to ask yourself the question, haven't you? It's the classic conundrum. Mafia or crazy night out?

The number of times I've got that wrong, and I've been like, I just thought it was a great night out, and damn it, it was Mafia again. She nodded her acceptance. Grigor got up. They slipped behind a satin curtain near their table. Grigor momentarily stopped and went back to retrieve the newly opened bottle of champagne and hurried up a set of steep stairs to the upper floor.

Oh, they've forgotten the champagne. Why did he run back to get the champagne? I would. Probably hundreds of euros worth of champagne. Plus, sounds like they're going to need a drink up there. Yeah, that's true. Belinda followed him, eager to find out what was behind

all the mystery. I would not be eager to go up those stairs. I would want to get out of that building. He sounds like a dodgy bastard, doesn't he? I'd be like,

my auntie's all better now. Let me out. Auntie's fixed. Ta-ta. It was a 24-hour bug. Thanks. It was a 1,440-minute bug. That's fine.

Get on, Gemma. a 440 minute dog. Good one, Jimmy. Belinda followed him, eager to find out what was behind all the mystery. They entered a small antechamber. Grigor knocked on the only door leading off it and waited. Only one door. He's obsessed with doors. He really is.

Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals Only one door. He's obsessed with doors. He really is. licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Seconds later, a completely naked Zara appeared. She motioned them into her private rooms. Oh my God. Her private rooms. Near her private pussy area. I love it. Hello, darling. Come in, darling. Darling, I'm sorry. I dropped my dressing gown.

Please make yourselves feel at home. And Belinda, no clothes. Oh. Well, that won't be a problem. She doesn't care if she takes clothes off or not. Belinda watched Grigor and Dress. It was the first time she had the opportunity to do so. He was big, but he had the stance

of an athlete. Perhaps a pass shot putter. Grigor's an Olympic champion, is that what we're saying? Perhaps a pass shot putter, or more likely, a javelin thrower. Accurate and deadly. I don't think javelin throwers are deadly.

If they're doing it badly, they're killing people every time they't think javelin throwers are deadly. If they're doing it badly they're killing people every time they throw a javelin. Yeah like a javelin thrower inaccurate and deadly. But it's not like you're not a hunter-gatherer if you're a javelin thrower in the Olympics. He was big but he had the stance of an athlete perhaps a past shot putter, or more likely a javelin thrower. Accurate and deadly. She remembered Griegel's last words and slipped her evening dress off. Is she still pissed as a yak? I think all this

intrigue and excitement sobered her up somewhat. Yeah, there's nothing like a scary speakeasy to sober someone up. The fear of death to bring sobriety back. And Chantel's catawalling. Chantel's singing, yeah. Belinda felt good. She was definitely up for anything the Russians could throw at her.

What, like a javelin? Through the heart. Sit down beside me, Belinda. Zara pointed to the large, round leather settee, which filled the centre of the room. So tacky, isn't it? A round sofa. Grigor, attend my other side.

Attend my other side? They both did as requested, and Zara started to touch Belinda with one hand, and Grigor with the other. How beautiful you both are, she murmured, still speaking in English. As she always has been this whole time, right? Also, you just read that in English, so she's obviously speaking in English. You don't need that confirmed. Have you just been translating the whole time? Well, as you can tell with my Dutch translations, I'm quite the linguist.

Of course, Grigor is a regular visitor. But you, Belinda, you are a newcomer. Do you wish to visit me each time you visit Amsterdam? Is she going to get invoiced for any of this? Because she's a madam. Belinda nodded. She could do nothing else as Zara's hand was now expertly massaging her clitoris. Everyone seems to do it expertly.

Do you know what I mean? I don't know what Belinda's comparing it to. Everyone seems to massage her clit expertly. She could do nothing else, as Zara's hand was now expertly massaging her clitoris. And she was concentrating on not responding in any negative way. What negative way would she be?

Get off! I hate it when you do that. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Get off my clit! that clit is gonna back chat if it doesn't like it oh yeah it's gonna get chatty does she have negative sex Tourette's like why is she shouting out like i hate this i'm sorry i'm sorry this is terrible i don't want to do a deal with you oh grigor had a similar problem as zara had moved onto his penis and was now ensuring it was responding

in the proper way a Russian male should yes madam spasiba spasiman oh very nice Grigor had a similar problem as Zara had moved onto his penis and was now ensuring it was responding

in the proper way a Russian male should. I'm so worried about what's next. Touch me, Belinda. Touch me, Grigor. Belinda looked across at Grigor and followed his lead. After you. Just an eye roller. Here we go.

Touch me, Belinda. Touch me, Grigor. followed his lead after you just an eye roller there we go touch me belinda touch me grigor belinda looked across at grigor and followed his lead he was clumsily poking zara's right breath just like just like gently stabbing like there there you like this right is it so he doesn't have to touch much of her? She's quite hot, though. Yeah. But when she's got like a spoon, he's just prodding her with like an implement. But is it like being the lover of some like evil dictator? You're so scared you're going to put a foot wrong.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to really touch her too much because you'd be sent to the chokie, Alice. You'd be sent to the chokie. Off with the heads. He was clumsily poking Zara's right breast. Well, that's a one-way ticket to the choking. That's going to fuck her off, for starters.

Belinda started to stroke her left breast. Oh, so she's literally following his lead. You do it, I do it. Like, you know, when you mirror someone when you're a kid to annoy them. You take the right breast, I'll take the left. Belinda started to stroke her left breast and after a few seconds moved on to her nipple I'd say that's all in the breast like you get that as part of the breast

so buy one get one nipple it hardened quickly and Belinda bent to suck it bent? not bent it bent herself no she bent herself Zara groaned softly

Belinda intensified the pace with the use of her tongue and at the same time sent her hand down to the top of the Countess's thighs. Sent her hand? Like, go. Be safe. Come back soon. Off you go, my pretties. Call me if you need me.

Call me if you need me. At the same time, she sent her hand down to the top of the Countess's thighs. It's like that disembodied hand in the Addams Family. Thing. Thing. She was semi-shaven. What does that mean, a two? I imagine she's got like two face, like one half is pubes and then one half is not one side to walk in the black forest the other side is chantelle's head

one side's very much the 70s she was semi-shaven and the remaining lightly colored pubic, proved to be the signpost to her labia. The signpost to her labia. It's a good album name, isn't it? The signpost to her labia. It's quite good. By Pink Floyd. Ew. Don't call it her Pink Floyd.

Oh, my God, that's ruined that for so many people. I am comfortably numb. Oh, God, we just... Oh, you should have seen a Pink Floyd. Belinda quickly started to slowly pull apart her... Quickly started to slowly? Good. Belinda quickly started to slowly pull apart her lids

and began stimulating her clitoris. She quickly started to pull them apart. Why did she need to pull them apart? I don't know. She's getting in there, isn't she? It's not attractive, is it, to pull them apart like a big roast chicken? But don't you feel like it's all gone a bit medical again? You don't pull someone's lids.

Like with forceps. Oh, don't. That's what it's like, isn't it? It's horrible. Grigor II was not slouching. Who's Grigor II? Grigor II was not slouching as he had placed his other hand around Zara's back and was searching for her asshole.

What? Oh, gross. Doesn't he know where it is? Like, it's always in the same place, Grigor. Searching. Where is that asshole? Zara, where's your asshole? He had placed his other hand around Zara's back

and was searching for her asshole with his fingers whilst continuing to massage her breast. Are the lights on? I feel like everyone's just like, I can't see you. The Countess's groans became deeper as she succumbed to the inevitable climax. It was amazing that she still kept her hands

active on Belinda and Grigor while she was experiencing her first orgasm of the session. It doesn't take much, clearly. She likes to be manhandled. She's having an M.O.T. Like, what's going on? She's checking her exhaust. It's the scene from E.R. Oh my god. She's on an MOT. Like, what's going on? She's checking her exhaust. It's a scene from ER.

Oh, my God. She's on a gurney. It's like Operation. Like, trying to pick the ribs out. It definitely would have buzzed by now. There's nothing delicate. But the intensity of the situation was too much, even for a madam of her quality,

and she soon fell back onto the leather sofa. Great tag team action from Grigor and Bel soon fell back onto the leather sofa great tag team action from grigo they're a good team great team i believe you're like shit that was like two minutes 200 minutes you would be counting down yeah fuck me grigo belinda come down on me and Give me my feast. Oh! She is filth. She's insatiable. Her feast. What, like one of those lollies with hundreds of thousands on them?

Oh my God. Get me a feast. Just give her a feast, for God's sake. She's had a screwball. Fuck me, Grigor. Belinda, come down on me and give me my feast. Zara moved herself onto the centre of the sea and her acolytes did as they were instructed. Grigor opened her legs wide and entered her.

Entirely, like he just climbed inside. It's a cave of wonders. Grigor was gone. Grigor opened her legs wide and entered her. Penetrating deeply to ensure she felt no tardiness in his actions. Only his feet could be seen. Sticking out of the counter. Hello, hello, hello.

He quickly picked up his rhythm and started to powerfully fuck her. Meanwhile, Belinda had gotten into the squat position over Zara's face. Oh! This is new! And gently came down on her, carefully maintaining her balance so

as not to fall on top of her, and so to break the erotic spell. Oh! Oh, the erotic spell's been broken. For everyone. I hate to break it to her. So she's squatting over the Countess's face. Yeah, hang on.

So meanwhile, Belinda had gotten into a squat position over Zara's face. Oh, my God. And gently came down on her, carefully maintaining her balance so as not to fall on top of her and so to break the erotic spell. That would be a real shame if that happened. This is minute three, everybody. Minute three.

Oh my God, this is going to drag. Belinda's vagina had opened wide. I bet it had. In the squat position. So it was simple for the countess to start penetrating with her tongue. Oh, God. She must be very close then.

She's got very strong, well, as we've discussed, strong thighs. So she's in quite a wide squat. And then I imagine the Countess is doing a kind of head up motion. It's lip to lip. Oh. I mean, it is. Is this what the Countess asked for? I said feast. What did you hear can you

imagine belinda catering an event you'd be like i'm so sorry there's been a misunderstanding i asked for a buffet i really thought you were gonna do some mini quiches and you seem to be sitting on my face when i said i wanted some fish fingers meanwhile belinda had gotten into a squat position over zara's face and gently came down on her When I said I wanted some fish fingers, it's not really what I had in mind. Meanwhile, Belinda had gotten into a squat position over Zara's face and gently came down on her, carefully maintaining her balance so as not to fall on top of her and so to break the erotic spell. It only took two seconds for her clitoris to start singing. What?

Hakuna Matata. What a wonderful phrase. It only took two seconds for her clitoris to start singing and very soon Belinda had to concentrate on not giving the Countess an early shower. Excuse me? What did you say? Can you repeat that, please?

Shout it with a class. It only took two seconds for her clitoris to start singing and very soon Belinda had to concentrate on not giving the countess an early shower an early shower i hope she's got an umbrella she's trapped what's she gonna do the countess soon realized belinda was not a true professional at this type of work and put her hands under belinda's ass to ensure her stability. That's very good of her. Is this how she trains them up? Yeah. Zara kept licking and soon Belinda's juices started to run clear.

Run clear! It's not a cooked goose! You are not putting on a roast! She's done. Why wouldn't it be running clear? Why wouldn't it be running clear? Why wouldn't it be running clear? Leave her to stand for ten minutes. And rest.

These two old birds need to rest. Belinda started to orgasm and the countess picked up the pace. Griegel too realised what was going on. Oh good, I'm glad Griegel's in it. And scrambled out of her vagina. No. what was going on. Oh good, I'm glad Grigor's in it.

And scrambled out of her vagina. Grigor too realised what was going on and he started to thrust harder and longer. Zara couldn't keep up her work rate and succumbed to the shuddering orgasm which saw her lose control of Belinda's clit. Lose control of it? It was time for Belinda to back up and she did so instinctively.

Grigor too pulled out, leaving the Countess panting heavily as she came to terms with a massive orgasm she had just experienced. I'm not enjoying this. But the only thing I can picture is the Countess's hands supporting Belinda's rump. Because she just, like, can't support herself anymore. Like Atlas holding up the world. Oh, so weary. At last she regained her composure

and quickly clapped her hands twice. Very good. Thank you. I feel like I'm there. Oh, hon. Immediately, a series of hidden spotlights flashed on. Stop it. She's got a clapper.

She's got an... That's so 80s. She's so naff. Belinda blinked. Drink, double drink. One chapter, double drink. Yeah, we're going to be pissed. It's the only way to get through it.

True. The lights illuminated a huge crowd gathered outside the building. Oh. What? They're in a window. No. The lights illuminated a huge crowd gathered outside the building. Oh. What? They're in a window. No. They're in a red light district window.

Oh my God, it's like a prank show. You got fucked rather than you got fucked. Belinda realised she was in the middle of a huge shop window. Shop window. Oh my God, that is so good. Go, Rocky. Also, Elijah did pre-empt this, I believe. Yes, he did.

So props to Elijah. Well done, mate. It's a really good gotcha, which I know is a bit of a Who reference. Beatles about. It's a proper Beatles about. I mean, it's what he would have wanted in terms of legacy. I can't believe they're in the window. I can't believe there's a proper Beatles about. It's a proper Beatles about. I mean, it's what he would have wanted in terms of legacy. I can't believe they're in the window.

I can't believe there's a massive crowd watching. So are they wearing night vision goggles? Because if she had to put the lights on. No, the lights illuminated the crowd outside. So the lights have been on in the room the whole time. Stop it. This is the best chapter. I die. I die.

The lights illuminated a huge crowd gathered outside the building. Belinda realised she was in the middle of a huge shop window. What looked like hundreds of excited tourists were enjoying the spectacle and just as suddenly the lights dimmed and the tallish blonde entered the room. Countess, 269 was all he said as he bowed and reversed out of the room. Reverse? Well, she's royalty. You're supposed to do that, aren't you? Oh, you're right.

This is great. This is proper twisty-turny intrigue. It's definitely twisted. Well done, English, Grigor growled. You have performed admirably and broken our record. So Grigor knew what was going on? Hmm. Grigor flipped Belinda onto the settee, ready to penetrate her.

What now? You'll be lucky. Whilst the countess prepared herself to go down on her. Er, no, guys, can we just have a little chit-chat about the fact that... Yeah, wouldn't you be like, hang on, what the fuck's going on? You've just put me in a sex show without telling me. Belinda opened her legs wide to accept Gregor and placed her hands under the ass of the Countess.

But, I mean, Gregor did say just go along with it. Oh, yeah, he did. Don't question anything. Belinda opened her legs wide to accept Gregor and placed her hands under the ass of the Countess. Then it all started again. Oh God, this is a relentless roundabout, isn't it?

Belinda had been in many an odd encounter, but never with two Russians quite like this. Quite like this? They're very similar. Variants on this, but not quite like. Grigor thrusted, Belinda licked, and the Countess concentrated on not falling on Belinda.

It was a battle that the middle-aged woman, fit as she was, was never going to win. She fell on her. Belinda's accurate tongue probing soon set Zara orgasming. Grigor unfortunately wasn't having as much luck with Belinda's vagina. So what was a business girl to do but to tighten her muscles? It soon had the desired effect and Grigor started to cum. Oh, good.

Fucking hell. I'm glad for him. I'm a bit confused because your dad said that the countess went down on Belinda. I think your dad thinks going down on means to lower oneself onto someone. Whereas I would think it means to perform oral sex on someone, but your dad thinks it means to literally go, I'm lowering myself down now. Like a winch and pulley.

Yeah, exactly. Belinda finished the threesome off with a faked orgasm, which entailed a lot of shouting and spleeting. She said she never fakes it. Yeah, but if I was, I'd do the same. Just get out. Oh yeah, lovely. Can I go now? Belinda finished threesome off with a faked orgasm, which entailed a lot of shouted expletives. You little fucking shitting fuckbags. They're really angry at them. Which entailed a lot of shouted expletives, many of which the Russians had never heard before.

Finally, they all fell apart. Gross. And recovered in their own time. This is your own time now. Five minutes downtime. Take five, everyone. What record did I break, Grigor? Asked Belinda.

How slow are you? English. You are so competitive. We have just made wonderful love and you asked me about records? That wasn't love. That wasn't love. That was barely acquaintances getting to know each other. It's a hot mess.

Surely you should be thinking of hummingbirds and beautiful cherubs floating on soft clouds. You definitely shouldn't be thinking about large babies is what you shouldn't be thinking about. Who thinks about that after sex? What are you thinking about? Just cherubs? What are you thinking about? Griegel, don't fuck with me. Don't give me partial information and expect me to ignore it.

Besides, I am competitive. It's who I am. It's what I do. Whoa, whoa. And it's how I succeed. So tell me, what record? Oh. Uh-oh. She is a changed woman.

No longer Mrs Passive. So it's because she had to fake it. She's not happy. Oh. She is furious. She's livid. She's absolutely livid. But that's good, though, isn't it?

Belinda's starting to grow some fucking balls. But also like, really like, pick your battles. Get really mad about what record it was. Grigor laughed again. You forgot to mention persistence, English. But yes, we are all impressed. She's only asked twice. The record you see was for the biggest crowd of people you attracted.

269, Belinda smiled and said So what was the previous crowd number? You don't give up, do you English? Oh my god, just tell her 233 people About the same then Who's counting? Who's outside like?

The tall blonde man Yeah, he's very tall, he can see's counting? Who's outside? The tall blonde man. Yeah. He's very tall. He can see over them all. I think it is the tall blonde man. You don't give up, do you, English? 233 people. But over a longer period.

And the weather was better. If it's a live sex show, though, is it hugely impacted by the weather? If you're there, you're there. You're there. Do you know what I mean? If that's your sort of thing, a bit of drizzle's not going to bother you. Yeah, rain or shine. Perverts are all weather I think

well is that why perverts always wear rain masks yeah obviously because they're just ready for anything Belinda lay back and sipped her champagne happy in the knowledge

that she was a winner even in this most unusual of competitions and that is the end of chapter seven. That was a great chapter. Yeah. It was a slog in parts and then just as you're getting

a tiny bit lethargic, he knows what to do, doesn't he? There's Chantel, there was the big twist. Yeah. That was great. Double sitting on faces. A singing clip. What more do you want yeah i am slightly

worried rocky's getting good oh i say let's quit while the going's good okay let's get out of here if you want to get in touch you can email us my dad wrote a porno at gmail.com yeah follow us on twitter at dad wrote a porno and we're on facebook just search my dad wrote a porno or you can find us on instagram at my dad wrote her yeah and you buy Belinda Blink 2 and pre-order our very own book, My Dad Wrote a Porno. It comes out in October. Apparently, it's really good for us if you pre-order it. That looks good, right? Yeah, yeah.

It's kind of like for Belinda. It's like her sales chart. She can say 500 units to Peter Rouse. We can say two copies, Devon. Yeah. Maybe we could hit a new record, like 269 in the chart or something like that. We don't want any more than 269. That's where we want to be.

So, yeah, get pre-ordering that and we'll see you next week. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? Okay, I've had a mad idea. What? We're literally about to go. Sorry. Please let us get out of here.

What if we could get Herbpert and the tijuan a breath in the charts with the song what's the song called walk on walk in the black forest walk in the black forest like if loads of people like that is not gonna chart it's not gonna happen hang on let me just have a look is it even on itunes anymore it's a pretty old song it's on itunes. It's not going to happen. Hang on, let me just have a look. Is it even on iTunes anymore? It's a pretty old song. It's on iTunes. No, it's not.

It's on Spotify. Oh my God. So what do you search for? So if you search for Herb, H-E-R-B, Alput, and the Tijuana Brass, I'll put it on Twitter, I'll put it on Facebook. You just skimmed over that bit. The Tijuana Brass. He spelled Herb, but not Tijuana Brass. Walking the Black Forest.

It could be the next big summer hit let's try and make this happen so what do we want people to do to buy it buy it how much is it it's 99p on iTunes

oh my god that's worth it for the lols I think we've had about 7 million downloads yeah already so if everybody

bought it not only would Herb get a beautiful little royalties check in the phone Herb Albert's gonna be like what the fuck's going on he'll be getting a call from the record company would Herb get a beautiful little royalties check in the phone. Herb Albert's going to be like, what the fuck's going on? He'll be getting a call from the record company like, Herb, I don't know what's going on.

You've been dormant for 30 years. You know that song you did that no one's ever heard of? Suddenly it's a hit. So if even 1% of the people that have downloaded this podcast bought that song, it would go to number one. It would storm to number one. It would be number one across the world. Fastest selling single in history.

What else would you spend 99p on? That doesn't even buy you a paper. Exactly. On the weekend. If people made it their song of the week, like streamed it, downloaded it, and just played it all week, we've got a real chance.

99p. Oh my God. If people download it, could they send us us videos of them like listening to it or pictures of them downloading it? That's great. I'm starting to think this could happen. This is a movement. To have old Herb in the chart.

We don't even want number one just in the chart. That would be mental. Make it happen, guys. We'll see you next time. You've got five minutes or 50 Peloton tread has workouts. You can work in or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner Peloton, all access membership separate.

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