My Dad Wrote A Porno - S2E8 - 'Amsterdam To London Sky High'

Episode Date: August 22, 2016

After an eventful night in Amsterdam, Belinda uses her flight back to London as an opportunity to join the Mile High Club... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously, on My Dad Wrote a Porno... Belinda looked across at Grigor and followed his lead. He was clumsily poking Zara's right breast. Just like... Just like gently stabbing, like, there, there. You like this, right? Belinda quickly started to slowly pull apart her...

Quickly started to slowly? Good. Fuck me, Grigor. Belinda, come down on me and give me my feast. Oh! Belinda, come down on me and give me my feast. She is filth. Hi, so let's talk Herb Alpert.

Oh, yes, what's the latest? So I did a little review of the charts. Number one in the jazz charts on iTunes. Not to be scoffed at. Yeah, right? Which is pretty cool. I think that's pretty good. Well done, everyone.

That is excellent news. And number one in UK, US, and Norway, weirdly. Jazz charts. Jazz charts. Jazz charts, yes. And then I think overall in the UK, we got to about 79. So I think, round of applause. Well done, Herb. The link is you have done us proud

it's a great success everybody i think 99p well spent all round it's my dad wrote a porno it's chapter eight james and alice hi guys hello you yo how's it going yeah really good just debriefing on Last Step Just saying it was truly nauseating More than any episodes before I think But on a plus side she was a record breaker Yeah Cheryl Baker record breaker Oh my god Cheryl Baker would be so proud

Chris Akabusi Get him on the phone Do you think there was an official adjudicator in the room? Like yes and that's 269 I'd love it if John Anderson from Gladiators was there Over to John Anderson. Alinda, ready! You will come on my first whistle.

You will come on my second whistle. And also, she grew some balls last chapter. Did she? Not physically, James, don't worry. You didn't miss that much. Excitable there. You were like, did she? Indeed.

Finally, something I can get on board with. No, she grew some cojones. She was like authoritative and didn't stand for partial information. For Grigor's palming off of her. She was like, no, sorry. I've been part of this big crowd and I want to know what I'm worth. Exactly. Did we find out what the next chapter was called?

I can't recall. Shall I tell you now? Yes, please. So chapter eight is called Amsterdam to London Sky High we anticipated this at the beginning of the book are we going to get what we were after

well if the title is to be believed then yes but then again it is Rocky Flintstone so maybe not Mile High Club had to happen at some point

I mean she's not going to get on a plane and knowingly not have sex unless she's taken a sleeping pill and she's out for the count I can think of no reason why she wouldn't

even then she'll just dream sex of course we'll just leave her like blanket to the side you know when they say like always make sure that we can see that your seatbelt's done up she'll just place the blanket to the side as she falls asleep like probably like crotchless panties or something just no knickers whatsoever exactly vag out because they give you those stickers now that say like do wake me for a meal, don't wake me for a meal. And she'll just have a sticker that's like, do wake me for a shag, don't wake me for a shag.

She's like, I can't be bothered, let me sleep through. How long's the flight from Amsterdam to London? I think it's probably only a couple of hours, if that. Oh, so she can get about 12, 13 guys in. It's a lot of cabin crew. I feel sorry for whoever's sat next to her on the plane. I hope she's in an emergency exit seat so they can just jump out. Leave me alone! All right, shall we find out? Yes. Okay, Belinda Blink 2, Chapter 8, Amsterdam to London, sky high. Obviously, how else?

At the airport, Belinda hoped she would have enough time to replace her missing thong, bra, and her somewhat tired but still sexy heels, so she could feel slightly more respectable for the London flight. So what's she got on at the airport? She's gone straight from the sex window to the airport. No, she can't possibly have. I think she has. Why's she got no clothing with her? Has she gone with no shoes on to the airport. No, she can't possibly have. I think she has. Why has she got no clothing with her?

So she's gone with no shoes on to the airport. Has she still got her high heels wrapped in her transparent dress? Well, she did have

a briefcase with her that she had said dress in so we assume she's got a change of clothes. Yeah, this is Belinda we're talking about. So if she has got a change of clothes,

great, but if not she's just carrying a briefcase that takes the word strip service to a whole new level yeah just read that again i want to understand what okay at the airport belinda hoped she would have enough time to replace her missing thong bra and her somewhat tired but still sexy heels so she could feel slightly more respectable for the london flight so she's got a dress on but like nothing none of her inner clothing belinda always thought that smart footwear was an important factor when meeting someone for the first time

like that's what they're looking at come on well there was a thing recently that there was a there was there was a poll that they said that women look at a man's shoes it's one of the first things yeah but are a man's boobs out on show because she's essentially we established wearing what is it like a see-through rain mac is basically what she's got on with no underwear on you wouldn't go oh nice loafers you'd be like i can see your tash and tush or whatever he called it last time tash she didn't intend to meet anyone just to look respectable enough to get through security and on the plane there you go james i mean to be fair you don't have to look that respectable to get through security that's not what they're checking for yeah it's not a sartorial

judgment yeah and the less you have on the better because yeah she's not carrying anything she's a apart from peanuts probably oh god Oh. Oh, God. She didn't intend to meet anyone, just to look respectable enough to get through security on the plane. She was out of luck. Damn. Someone at security's like, she's a tramp. All the clothing concessions at Amsterdam airport had closed by the time Peter had dropped her off.

There was nothing for it, except to stick it out. Oh, no. What stick it out and what she's wearing she means. Belinda went through security without being strip searched. When are you ever strip searched? I've never ever been stripped.

I've never even seen someone taken aside to be strip searched. I do know someone who got strip searched. Do you? In Indonesia. What happened? Full on.

Fingers up the bum? Yeah. Oh my God. Spread ass cheap. Oh God. It was his birthday. I bet it was. What a tweet!

Seriously. Sounded horrific. Is that why they did it? Because it was his birthday? Probably. They looked at his passport, they were like, oh. Is that their version of birthday bumps? Yeah, they spread it 32 times.

You get a free prostate exam That's horrendous Isn't it? I thought it was folklore that they even did that Well, lucky him Belinda went through security without being strip-searched And entered the departure lounge The noise of many females chatting excitedly Wafted across the large area

She looked around Trying to ascertain where the noise was coming from. Then she saw them. About 30 ladies were standing around in small groups, waiting for the flight to London. Is this a hen do or something? Presumably. Oh, do you think? Yeah. Or a gaggle.

Or wearing those sashes. Oh. Browns. Bright to be. Tiaras. Slept to be. Yeah. Slept to be.

Inflatable cock in one hand. Real cock in the other. I wonder if Belinda's looking at the Hendoo and thinking, they must have had a quiet weekend compared to what, like when your weekend was more raucous than a 30-person Hendoo. Yeah, true. You know you're not living your life right. Then she saw them.

About 30 ladies were standing around in small groups, waiting for the flight to London. Even stranger, they were all sloppily dressed in crumpled business attire, similar to herself. What? Are they on a Belinda-themed stag? A hen do? How many of those have happened in the world?

They're going to start happening, aren't they? Everyone's going to be dressed as Belinda on their hen do. Was there a conference? Oh. That Belinda wasn to be dressed as Belinda on their hen do. Was there a conference? Oh. That Belinda wasn't invited to. Belinda went over to them, wondering what was going on. Nosy bitch. Yeah, they're getting a flight home.

None of your business. What's it got to do with her? Were they Dutch? They certainly dressed like they were. What? A, what does that look like? B, did she think she was going to be on the flight on her own? i know hers was the only bag on the carousel when she landed but also did she just think she's the queen of business that she could just go up to anyone who seems i'm sorry what's

your business here i'm the queen of business i'm doing pots and pans she is the queen b she well she likes to think she is but actually if she keeps acting like this something bad will happen hello but actually if she keeps acting like this something bad will happen. Hello. Hello. Said one of the ladies in English as she approached them. The way you're dressed you must be on our flight as well.

Is it a themed flight? But aren't they just wearing crumpled business wear? That's what she said. Yeah. That's great. I think that makes 31 of us what belinda smiled and thought this seems to be genuine genuine genuine what genuine madness hang on have we missed a chapter somewhere yeah let me just check no we're definitely on the right chapter because there's been no explanation of what happened after she left the window.

There's literally, we don't have a clue what's going on now. Can you ever imagine going up to a group of people waiting for a flight and being like, sorry, why are you on this flight? What an aggy approach. That's great. I think that makes 31 of us. Belinda smiled and thought, this seems to be genuine. What on earth is going on?

Quite. Good question. That makes four of us. Belinda listened to the chit-chat, trying to pick up any clue as to why these trampily-dressed women were here. I mean, Belinda doesn't look exactly Belle of the Ball, does she? Yes, my sales have been shooting up with the new TV advert. Have you noticed an increase? The question wasn't directed at Belinda, but at the lady standing next to her.

Why yes, my plastic wear has been especially popular. Plastic wear? Not a thing. A plastic pot and pan? It's going to melt. But on a TV you can't see that. TV ad, you see. Why yes, my plastic wear has been especially popular. But on a TV, you can't see that TV ad, you see. Why, yes.

My plasticware has been especially popular. I just wish we could get a good supplier of pots and pans on board. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, for God's sake. What are the chances? What do they call that? Oh, yeah, contrived. I just wish we could get a good supplier of pots and pans on board.

Oh, they said good supplier. So they weren't actually talking about Belinda. So many customers keep asking for a quality pot. Where can I get a quality pot in this day and age? Also, how many viewers on QVC are calling up to be like, I love your product, but also, where can I get a quality pot? Is this a general helpline because I need a pan? Also, I've got a rash.

Belinda's ears pricked up immediately. Pots and pans? It suddenly dawned on her. It suddenly dawned on her. That's what I do. The pennies dropped, but from like 35,000 feet. Why has it taken her so long? Is she still drunk?

It suddenly dawned on her. They must be attending a big weekend national sales conference in London at the O2. Of course. They don't have those at the O2. The O2. How big's this business? This is in between Taylor Swift and... Adele plays the O2. How big's this business? This is in between Taylor Swift. Adele plays the O2.

They must be attending a big weekend national sales conference in London at the O2. Tony had briefly mentioned it to her. No, he hadn't. Not in the book. I was a bit miffed Steele's hadn't been invited to speak. Well, I mean, you reap what you sow in terms of business. Well, absolutely. And actually, she's done a lot of good business probably since they did the itinerary for that event.

Invites went out months ago, huh? Months ago. And she probably wasn't even in her position then. She shouldn't beat herself up about it. It's not her fault. Who's she got to sleep with to get on that guest list? I think we might be finding out. Who's she got to promise not to sleep with?

Sorry, Glinda said. I'm so sorry. Can I just... There's barge in here. Sorry. Sorry, Belinda said. I don't mean to mislead you, but I'm a supplier. I just happen to be dressed similarly.

What? What is happening, boys? What's happening? This is when Rocky's going off the rails. Hang on. So I think this is in relation to the lady ages ago who said, hello, the way you're dressed, you must be on our flight as well. That's great.

That makes 31 of us. Then Belinda says. So they think she's in the party. Yeah. They think she's an official member of the conference. Yes. A delegate. Exactly.

But if they're going to a conference, why are they all dressed like tramps? Already. Already. If they're on their way, I thought they were all rough from a big weekend. Exactly. I don't get it. It's a good question, James. Sorry, Belinda said.

I don't mean to mislead you, but I'm a supplier. I just happen to be dressed similarly. Goodness, the first lady exclaimed. I love, still no one's got a name. The first lady. It's a classic down. Unless it's actually the first lady exclaimed i love still no one's got a name the first lady it's a classic unless it's actually the first lady i can't believe it said the 27th lady i can't believe it said michelle obama goodness the first lady exclaimed so you're not on the official pre-conference Dutch fact-finding tour? Say that ten times fast. I actually... So this isn't even the conference.

They're just going for a fact-finding mission. So you're not even on the Dutch pre-fact-finding, pre-fact-finding conference tour? What are they going to do? Find out where the nearest Nando's is and things like that? Plan where they're going to eat? The second lady said, who are you with? Steals, pots and pans, replied Belinda.

Still struggling with that company name. Oh, for fuck's sake, stop cringing at the name. Crikey, said the first lady. Quality stuff, then. She's obviously heard of the OxiBrilla range. We like to think so. What's your names? Oh, thank God.

I thought she'd never ask. What's your names? What's your names. What's your names? Oh, thank God. I thought she'd never ask. What's your names? What's your names? What are your names? Not what's your names. Well, thank goodness they're actually being asked. Usually at the end of the conversation she'd be like, I'm Belinda.

Thank you. What's your names? I'm Betty Wilkes. Oh, Rocky. Every time pulls out the bag. I couldn't have hoped for better. And this is our acting area manager, Vicky Woods.

Betty Wilkes and Vicky Woods. Actual Victoria Wood is her name. And we know Rocky's a fan. Yeah, all of us in the family are a huge fan of Victoria Wood. That must be an homage. An homage, surely. Unless it's like a kind of statement of their approach betty definitely will vicky wood i think it's far too clever for rocky but yeah i like what you're doing there belinda blumenthal nice to meet you can i get you both a cup of tea has she turned into like a really i don't know amiable

who is she what's your name can i get you a cup of teaiable, cockney neighbour. Who is she? What's your name? Can I get you a cup of tea? What's going on? Who is she? Not some jelly deals with that, darling. Why has she turned all street? Belinda Blumenthal. Very nice to meet you. Can I get you both a cup of tea? Seeing as

you're the supplier, we'd prefer a glass of chardonnay. You know, help settle our nerves for the flight and all that. Betty and Vicky are like Belinda, just out for what they can get. Seeing as you're picking up the bill, I'll have a Chardonnay. Also, in this world, it's the only type of wine that's ever made Chardonnay. Is that any other product? Well, you know that that's the drink of the pre-conference, surely?

Oh, right, the fact-finding official. England versus Dutch official. The official pre-conference, surely? Oh, right, the fact-finding official Dutch tour. England versus Dutch official. The official pre-conference Dutch fact-finding tour. Well done. Thank you. We'd prefer a glass of Chardonnay. You know, help settle our nerves with the flight and all that, said a smiling Vicky.

Do you think Vicky and Betty are going to get forcibly removed from this flight? Like Kate Moss on an E-Tier flight. Honestly, genuinely. They're both basic bitches. Oh. Oh, honey. Ladies after my own heart, replied a smiling Belinda. Ten minutes later, saw the three of them sipping their Chardonnays

as the aircraft started loading. So, you wouldn't mind popping into the conference next weekend? We'd only want a ten-minute presentation and we'd love having your gear on board, said Vicky. Oh, so this is a last-minute booking? Yeah. She doesn't want to go to weigh-in. Well done, Belinda.

She's such a pro. Be delighted, said Belinda, hardly believing her luck. What a thrill! I don't know. Playing the O2 is a pretty big deal, Alice. She's not playing the O2. She's doing a boring 10-minute talk on a frying pan. Do you think she'll be Bill, does that? Headlining the O2. Yes, yes. She's doing a boring ten minute talk on a frying pan. Do you think she'll be

Bill, does that? Headlining the O2. Belinda Blumenthal. I like to think that. Plus there'll just be like one front row of people and the rest of the place

will be empty. It's always really embarrassing when that happens. You know those big billboards outside of the O2 that I think they're by Mastercard or some credit card and it's basically about

fans meeting the people that are playing at the O2. Do you think there'll be those posters but of Belinda? Just people with pots and pans like, it's the best day of my life! She's a priceless moment. She's a worthless moment. Be delighted, said Belinda, hardly believing her luck. It turned

out the ladies both worked for a direct retail door-to-door and coffee mornings organisation. Oh, sure! A coffee mornings organisation. What is that? Is that the Women's Institute or something? Yeah, that's like a parish gathering. Door-to-door coffee mornings.

I think it's a door-to-door organisation and a coffee mornings organisation. A direct retail door-to-door and coffee mornings organisation. Oh my goodness like when people have tupperware parties yeah do you remember off of the 80s i mean people don't do it now so rocky's really reaching back into time but people did used to sell tupperware at coffee mornings right yeah yeah yeah genuinely you two are both older than me so i'll take your word for it james has attended many my mum used to to actually, like, there was a jewellery retailer that you could have jewellery parties in your house

and my mum had turned the dining room into basically like a jewellers. I can imagine that. It's so ridiculous. Just dripping in gems. But they were all like bejewelled insects and things like that, so she had this big spider brooch. Costume jewellery, though.

Not real jewels. Oh, no, not real jewelsoch. Costume jewellery though. But yeah. Not real jewels. Oh no, not real jewels. Yeah. I mean, we lived in quite a rough area. But yeah, they are something off of like the 80s, that whole culture. Yeah, because do you remember when people used to have those Ann Summers parties?

Yeah. And they'd sell vibrators to their friends. It was all really strange. Over tea. And some walnut cake. And a coffee. This is the modern equivalent of an ann summer's party what we're doing right now i ain't selling you guys anything no one's buying picture this you're at a picnic with pals and bam you suddenly feel unwell but going to the clinic

not the ideal weekend plan well those days are. Maple's virtual care has got your back with 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. The ladies both worked for a direct retail door-to-door and coffee mornings organization don't we all if i had a pound for every time i met somebody who did that honestly whilst they weren't big at present they were strong in the north and southeast of england strong in the north and the south so the whole of the uk strong in the north and the south-east of England, James. Thank you, James. So that's like Manchester, Liverpool, Leeds and London.

And Dover. All the big cities. Margate cannot get enough of us. Whilst they weren't big at present, they were strong in the north and south-east of England. So who covers that area, please? I was going to say, is that Dave Wilcox? He's our man from the north, isn't going to say, is that Dave Wilcox? He's our man from the north, isn't he? I think it's Dave Wilcox. More importantly, they were growing

steadily and that sort of business would never affect the big retailers who Belinda presently relied on. Say aye if you don't care. Aye. Aye. Aye. It's another business heavy chapter, isn't it? It's just difficult for her to leave the country. Can't we just get her back to London already? Vicky made a quick call to their central administration and spoke to one of the conference organizers they were over the moon with the idea as they had had a few people pull out at the last minute and steals the manufacturer would be a big attraction well why didn't they ask him in the first place they were desperate to do it Belinda will be good here because she's used to people pulling out at the last minute so it's fine. You're on Belinda.

Mine's a gin and tonic when we get seated. No, yours is a Chardonnay. You're already on the Chardonnay. We're celebrating. We're celebrating. My pleasure Vicky and thanks Betty.

What the fuck's Betty done? What has Betty done? Betty's done jackal. Betty is riding that wave. Belinda was in the final row of the plane and was allowed to board from the rear steps. Don't say rear. Once they'd taken off,

she organised the drinks for Betty and Vicky. She's not a trolley dolly, just order them. Organise the drinks. Get them yourself. An air hostess. What fun, she thought, as she started to prepare some notes for her future presentation. Literally, when she lands, is she going to the O2 for this presentation?

No. She needs to... I think... Well, why are they going to London? Yeah, but they'll go to the hotel and freshen up, surely. They look like tramps. Yeah, she really does. Get her a stage outfit. What fun, she thought, as she started to prepare some notes for her future presentation. What fun, she thought, as she started to prepare some notes for her future presentation. The plane wasn't overly full and scattered around, mostly at the back, were uniformed air crew changing locations for morning flights.

So they were doing a crossover, but surely when you get on the plane, everybody's the crew that you're going to have. They're not usually like, see you Dave, see you on Wednesday. Oh Maria, no, you tell Tom what I said. They're not doing their end of shift Tom what I said they're not doing their like end of shift crossover I think they're all

travelling back no you don't just hitch a ride on the flight that you want to get on it's not like sorry guys this is a particularly

busy flight because we've got 72 members of staff on this one no you can you absolutely can not unlimited not unlimited

but that's what they do with a gaggle at the back surely they take a seat but Alice the plane wasn't overly full. Well, clearly. A smart-looking, leggy blonde with decent-looking breasts and co-pilot uniform was sat across the aisle from Belinda.

Co-pilot? So she's the co-pilot, or she's just nicked an outfit from someone? No, I think she's on... Should she be at the front in the cockpit? No, I think a co-pilot from that airline is just hitching a lift back to London. Right.

This isn't a bloody shuttle bus. A smart-looking, leggy blonde with decent-looking breasts in a co-pilot uniform was sat across the aisle from Belinda. After ten minutes of flying, she asked Belinda, purely out of curiosity, why all the ladies were wearing such sloppy business attire. What do they mean by sloppy i feel like maybe ill-fitted a bit drab gray like stains all over it i don't think so just crumpled not their a game yeah not starched not steals basically not steals girls like

they're just doing coffee mornings their thongs aren't straight exactly after 10 minutes flying she asked belinda purely out of curiosity, why all the ladies were wearing such sloppy business attire. Purely out of curiosity as opposed to she's an undercover detective. Like, what else would it be out of? She's an unconscionable bitch is what she is. Oh. Whoa.

She's bitching about people on a flight. Leave them alone. She has, like, stuck her nose into someone else's business. Don't be judging people for how they're dressing. I hate people who do that. That's what Belinda did. That's true true it's a domestic utensil trade trip returning from holland and believe it or not the sloppy business attire is their uniform belinda replied oh dear i'm glad she's cleared that up that's their uniform who chose that who chose a sloppy

uniform is that how you buy it sloppy what is it linen is it ill-fitting is it crumpled we'll take it 200 please how very interesting and what a most unusual form of dress my name's hazel by the way okay can we just take a step back yeah what is going on like rocky's dropped the ball in this chapter i feel like he's not properly explaining what is going on? Like, Rocky's dropped the ball in this chapter, I feel like. He's not properly explaining what's going on. He's also not operating in his usual style because lots of introductions are happening, number one. Number two, he's gone business, but he's gone, like, cuckoo business.

So niche. More niche than pots and pans. This is so small fry. They work for a gathering of mums over coffee yummy mummies in northcote road does that count i mean she's gonna sell one pan at best that's what i mean it's quite it's not insignificant in that world but in the scheme of business that is not units racing off the shelves is it yeah i'm also just surprised after building up you know it's become so graphic and so sexy in inverted commas um

why it's suddenly gone so business again and so parochial like yeah who cares yeah my thing is though it makes me feel uneasy because when he goes into one of these lulls it's because he's ramping up to something and usually that something is repulsive it's like when the water in jurassic park when the water starts to move it's like oh god something that's coming there's a sexual t-rex on the way and her name may be hazel how very interesting and what a most unusual form of dress my name's hazel, by the way. Belinda.

Come and sit next to me. Belinda's such a little... Did she tell Hazel her name? Yeah. Oh, okay. Belinda. Come and sit next to me. Oh, Belinda's saying that?

Yeah. Belinda, come sit next to me. It's unclear. Oh, Belinda said... I tried to do it with intonation, but it still wasn't clear. Belinda, come and sit next to me. It's unclear. Oh, Belinda said she's... I tried to do it with intonation, but it still wasn't clear. Oh, I see. I'm so confused. Belinda, come and sit next to me. Hazel changed seats and settled herself down beside Belinda.

Hot in here, said Belinda, as she opened the top button of her blouse, showing a fair amount of cleavage. Alice, you were right. You can read these books. So, well, you're a pro. I saw it coming like a train in the night. You're going to be the chairwoman

of the Rocky Flintstone Appreciation Society in no time. I thank you for this honour. Is Belinda wearing a blouse? Always. Is it me? I'm just totally lost. Like, maybe I'm just not listening properly. She's in crumpled business attire, which is why they thought that she was part of the delegation. Yeah. So she's wearing what she wore for

Dr. Robbins. Right. Which seems like a lifetime ago, so fair enough if you don't remember. Yeah, okay. Do you remember Dr. Robbins? He's in a trance somewhere or has jumped out of his office window or God knows what.

I feel like I should stop asking questions, otherwise I'm just going to delay this even further. I mean, we could just wrap up the podcast here. Too many questions, we're now closed. That's all it consists of. Hot in here, said Belinda, as she opened the top button of her blouse, showing a fair amount of cleavage.

That'll cool her right down. That'll make such a difference. Just twizzle that thing above your head. Here, said Hazel. I am a co-pilot and I understand these things. Let me adjust your air vent. It's just above you. There you go.

Alice Levine. I'm finally in the flow. Could you write this book? I would. And your life jacket is below yours. Like, what are you doing in the pool? Blow on the whistle. And no smoking.

Not even those pesky e-cigarettes. You fly too often. I know. Hazel's long arm snaked upwards and twisted the nozzle, letting a stream of cooling air flow over belinda's face and tits if you've ever been on one of those flights you'll know it's like somebody breathing on you on the bus that's what it feels like it's not refreshing you have to put your hand right next to it to tell if it's on exactly hazel's long arm snaked

upwards and twizzled the nozzle letting a stream of cooling air flow over belinda's face and tits how efficient of you hazel are you always so responsive to what someone's complaints about the heat i really hope she doesn't run out of the cockpit if somebody says oh i'm a bit balmy and she's like i'll just leave the pilot for a second who was it you madam let me just adjust your nozzle not like that how efficient of you hazel are you always so responsive oh my belinda i believe i am at least all my best friends say so is she just showing off that she's got friends because i don't think belinda does also whoever 15 says best friend i know best friends guys you are my best friend oh my god you're my best. At least all my best friends say so.

Is that what they say to her? Oh, you're so responsive, Hazel. What a weird thing to write on a birthday card. Oh, you're the best responsive friend we have. You're a great listener. Boring. Hazel started to move her fitted, tight skirt up her thighs. And Belinda unbuttoned a lower section of the blouse.

She always leaves it in the middle doesn't she she likes that yeah it's her trademark she's like the wet bandits but she just like leaves one button on her blouse yeah another homilane reference a change in the note of the engine prompted hazel to say we're halfway back always working they're gonna get on like a house on fire because Belinda's never off duty also how does the hum going from hmm hmm

mean that it's halfway back yeah that isn't a thing because nothing will be happening at that point surely just in the full altitude

and they're not going anywhere half a tank of fuel guys so that's how you work it out and what and it makes a different sound does it yeah the first half of the tank

makes a really weird low sound the second half of the tank makes a really weird low sound. The second half of the tank is really high-pitched. And also they only have enough fuel for the journey. There's not like a drop more. A change in the note of the engine

prompted Hazel to say, We're halfway back. The plane's starting to descend. Rub my clit, Belinda. Please. Whoa, okay. Is that a safety measure do you descend

when you're halfway there A is it a good time to be rubbing someone's clit that seatbelt sign is going to go on any second and don't say please please

it's so desperate something really horrible about how polite that is rub my clit Belinda parentheses please please oh it's so

sad we're halfway back the plane started to descend rub my clit Belinda please please the plane's going down Belinda we're gonna die

it's my last chance to have my clit rubbed please how many people do you think in a plane that's going down goes to the person next to them please just rub my clit.

You'll make me feel better. I know they're saying to like get the like the oxygen on, but please just rub my clit. Belinda obliged Hazel and Hazel obliged Belinda. By the time the landing gear was down, the girls had become firm friends. Best friends. And were on the brink of orgasm. So it took them, what, about 45 minutes, I'd say? And they started to descend.

Jesus. With their seatbelts fastened, they were ready for the bumpy landing in the windy conditions. What? For fuck's sake. Wow. Is that sexy? In the windy conditions? And they're not going to climax.

They were on the brink. That's dangerous. If their hands are snaking up each other's skirts, and then you have one of those really bumpy landings. A bit of turbulence. Honestly, you could be wrist deep. Oh, God. They'll be fisting each other in no time.

Oh, God. Jamie. That's what it's called. Please. As the plane's tyres screeched multiple times on the... Multiple times. That's not a textbook landing. As the plane's tyres screeched multiple times on contact with the tarmac both girls climaxed

simultaneously wow that's pretty um that's intense like good timing as well isn't it yeah they really i presume that's down to hazel's hard to do she timed that well that's not the first time for her i was gonna say as a co-pilot she like, best time to orgasm when you're landing. Absolutely. It was as well their screams were muffled by the landing, but Linda didn't need any adverse publicity in front of her 30 new customers. Then don't masturbate yourself and someone else in your seat. Also, it's not that loud in the cabin when it's landing. Yeah, you can't hear what's on in your headphones, but you can hear... in the background.

Is that how you walk, as in... Tough landing, Belinda. Purred hazel. Sorry, that should be... Tough landing, Belinda. Purred hazel. Is that you purring? That's my purr.

Is that how you purr? That's how I purr. But everything worked out very well, I thought. Even the aerofoil flaps came up at the correct time. They really did. Is that a euphemism? They really did. Say it one more time.

I just want to hear it. Tough landing, Belinda, purred Hazel. But everything worked out very well, I thought. Even the aerofoil flaps came up at the correct time. Sounds like she was really in the moment, like checking out the window, the aerofoil flaps. Don't talk about the flaps, aerofoil flaps came up at the correct time. Sounds like she was really in the moment, like checking out the window, the aerofoil flaps. Don't talk about the flaps, aerofoil or otherwise. Enjoyed it then, Hazel. Hazel laughed and straightened her skirt.

Now in back to work mode. Clearly. Belinda buttoned up her blouse and put on her tired but still sexy high heels. What does tired but still sexy mean? You said that twice. I feel like scuffed but on her tired but still sexy high heels what does tired but still sexy mean he said that twice i feel like scuffed but still are they still structurally sound structurally sound still sexy belinda buttoned up her blouse and put on her tired but still sexy high heels don't keep saying it yes it was a very eventful flight yes Yes, it was. Yes, it most certainly was. And that's the end of the chapter.

Well, well, well. Oh my gosh. Do we think Hazel's going to be a permanent fixture on the scene? No, I think that's Hazel out of the picture. And do you think Betty and the other one? They may be back, Betty and Vicky. We'll see them at the O2, surely, for the big speech, which I'm really looking forward to. Tickets available now.

It's probably sold out. I mean, it's the hottest ticket in town. It's bigger than Beyonce. Do you know what hasn't sold out yet? What? Our My Dad Wrote a Porno book. I mean, if that happens, it will be an absolute godsend. I mean, essentially, it is Rocky's work

at the core yeah this is people's opportunity to own it in paper form I know that will surprise a lot of people delight some and scare the rest this could be the perfect christening gift you know like when you have got to think of something you know something that someone's going to keep forever for a baby yeah that's good exactly there you go you know sometimes people buy uh some vintage wine or kind of spirit and they're only allowed it once they're old enough this could be that thing this book will appreciate absolutely 100 do you think it could be for funerals could people be buried with belinda blink i mean it's morbid but it's not a no from me what a great read on the river sticks it's ideal that should just be our marketing campaign so you can already pre-order it now on amazon so just google my dad wrote a porno the full

original book of belinda blink one and some added extras from us and from rocky i mean that is money can't buy content exactly and in the meantime get in touch with us on twitter at dad wrote a porno um you can email us my dad wrote a porno at gmail.com we've got some great emails so keep them coming and you can instagram us at my dad wroteoteaporno at gmail.com. We've got some great emails, so keep them coming. And you can Instagram us at mydadwrote. We love the pictures you're sending in. We've had such good artwork. Illustrations. Amazing artwork.

Like, actually really good. We got a very interesting artistic impression of the scene with Giselle and Sean, etc. Yeah, that was amazing. And tastefully done. There was nothing to expose it was Instagram safe yeah watch out Michelangelo so you've got to check out our Instagram for all of these amazing pieces of fan art that people have sent in because they are eye-popping and we're on a little social network called Facebook as well some people have heard of that so just

search my dad wrote a porno so what is is the next chapter? Chapter nine is called Motivating the Sales Force. I dread to think how she's going to do it. I can't imagine it's a speech. Maybe it's at the O2. Who knows? I'll book the tickets.

Make sure it's front row. But I'm not paying any more than like 40 quid. it. if you've got 5 minutes or 50 Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks and hikes led by expert instructors on the Peloton app call yourself a runner Peloton All Access Membership Separate

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