My Dad Wrote A Porno - S3E1 - 'London; Thursday 15.55 Local Time'

Episode Date: May 29, 2017

Why did Tony blink? Has Bella earned a promotion? What will Belinda do next? Get all the answers (or none of them) to these questions as Jamie, Alice and James open Rocky's third book to continue the 'Belinda Blinked' saga... mydadwroteaporno.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. welcome back to my dad wrote a porno it's season three i can't believe it i've got alice levine i've got james cooper i'm jamie morton hello we're opening a brand new book by rocky flintstone guess what it's called, guys? I'm going to tell you. It's Belinda Blink 3. It's genius. It's the trilogy.

It is. The Lord of the Rings, The Godfather, Belinda Blinked. All great trilogies. It's how people refer to it, always in the same breath. Except The Godfather Part 3 is totally shit. So maybe we're about to embark on our Godfather part three. Oh God. We've had a great run though, if it is.

Do you know what? We've had a great time. We're due a doozy. I think it's been a long time coming for people. People have wanted this back for a while. I know, yeah. Lots happened. The world has changed drastically.

Hasn't it just? I know. I mean, Alice got a haircut. Indeed, I'm bald as a coot. Jim Sterling's president. No, I don't think it's fair to Jim Sterling to equate him with Trump anymore. I think Jim Sterling's

a better man, quite frankly. Well, he is now. He's got a huge penis and comes blue. Yeah, it seemed like a joke when we used to refer to him as that. I know, we never actually thought it would happen and now it's very much happened. Oh God, do you think it's our fault? I think Trump is weekending at the Lazy Pea Ranch as we speak. Oh, don't. I've always wanted to go there not anymore so yeah the world is in turmoil i think we

can all safely say that's true but the one shining light is belinda we're back that's a really depressing state of affairs isn't it if that's a silver lining the only thing that's getting the world through these times is belinda blinked and rocky pinstone it's worrying for us all but you know what we've got here? Don't know how, but we're here. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and that tunnel is Belinda's vagina. There's no light at the end of that.

It's a black hole. Better men than I have disappeared into there. So here we are again. What's happening in the world of Belinda? Where did we leave the book? When we left the book, Tony had just blinked. Oh my God, yes, of course. And I think Bella was on the cusp of a big promotion. Well, no.

So Belinda had asked Tony whether she could have a promotion. And then Tony blinked, which I think means he's having none of it. Yeah, exactly. Is a blink a yes or a no? We never know with Belinda, do we? It's always a yes with Belinda. Has she ever said no to anybody apart from if there was a turkey sandwich before? That's true, yeah.

It's the biggest cliffhanger since Jim's cock. What was happening with Jim's cock? That was cliffhanger. That was like hanging off, wasn't it? I just think it's quite nice that Dad's altered up his writing style. You know, he's now letting other characters blink. Do you think that was just an error? Because it's not the first time that he's written the wrong character's name.

Do you think he meant just an error? Because it's not the first time that he's written the wrong character's name. Do you think he meant to write Belinda? So it's always confusing the passage of time, isn't it, in Belinda Blinked? Well, it's interesting in that there is no passage of time, in that each book so far has picked up exactly where the other one left off. So really there's no reason for them to be different books at all. Oh, I think in this book, Tony is literally going to be opening his eyes from the blink and we'll be back so not even a second or milliseconds past no okay the first line tony opens up his eyes

tony unblinked do you think that um rocky then has written maybe one huge manuscript and then he just arbitrarily tears it apart and that forms book one, two and three. I can't think of any other reason why it would be this way. I can imagine him not being able to save down files properly and so thinking that it would be too big and so he'd save it in chunks. Or he thought he realised how lucrative it would be early on and did a kind of Hunger Games splitting

and Harry Potter where he splits the books. Genius. He's like, I could make a fortune here. And he absolutely has. I mean, those e-books are flying off the proverbial shelf. Was it four, five now? Four, five of each, I think. Yeah, yeah, he's like i could make a fortune here and he absolutely has i mean those ebooks are flying off the proverbial was it four five now four five of each i think yeah yeah he's done well he did recently get a new laptop that he bought in spain because he didn't want to pay the prices in england and uh the keyboard's all in spanish so he he last time i saw him he couldn't work out what was a full stop he uh how's a spanish full stop different it's not the same

it's quite extraordinary what they're in a different place yeah yeah and i thought do you know what if you'd have had a spanish keyboard this whole time maybe your writing could have been excused but and so belinda's now like billion that wasn't like this accents all over it and do you think people are ready for where this book might take us i feel like the stuff he set up in book two that I'm excited to see if he even bothers to mention in book three. Oh, like what? Well, will she ever do that conference at the O2? You know, that big speech on stage?

Everyone's obsessed with that. Honestly. With all those women in their pinafores. In their crumpled clothes, yeah. And are Bella and Belinda going to be more of a duo than we've ever seen before? Because it feels like they're going to be... The dream team. be the dream team absolute dream team well some people think that maybe bella's kind of doing like an all about eve on belinda and usurper yeah it's going to slowly take over her life

morph into her and then leave her in a ditch oh my god it's kind of a game of thrones isn't it well i guess there's only one way to find out what belinda blink three has in store and that is to open belinda blink three there must be another way I'm sure we could just sort of like flick through it and just decide now whether we continue oh my god

should we play like chapter roulette it doesn't matter what order they're in just read the chapter order because there was absolutely no story

no I want to know what happened after Tony blinked okay are we ready is there a blurb um I don't think he's

bothered this time straight in why waste any more of these good people's time oh my god can we try and guess what the first chapter's called oh that's a good game yeah go the promotion oh that's well that's assuming that she gets it um the staff meeting both good both sensing that it's still going to be in the office then. I think so. Yeah, okay. Oh, what do you mean? No, well, let's find out, shall we? Belinda Blink 3, chapter 1.

London, Thursday, 1555 local time. Local time. Is that the year? Have we gone back 500 years? To the first pot and pan being london 26 a.d oh god strumpet blumenthal is leaning against a barrel of mead the black death has taken the nation the great fire of london is but days away oh my god i love this book already uh why is it so great so belinda blink three chapter one london semicolon thursday 1555 ad semicolon local time i love that as well AD. Local time. Semi-colon. Local time.

I love that as well. So, London, Thursday, 15.55 local time. Tony nodded and thought, yes, she does have great tits, but only for a second. Okay. What was the question? I don't know.

Wasn't he just blinking? No, so the end of Belinda Blinked 2, the reason that Belinda gives to give Bella the promotion is that she's got really good tits. Oh, yes. Which they are. We have quite good authority that they are absolutely and so james you're right he has literally continued the conversation genius genius so she's gonna get

a promotion essentially because of her breasts how do you feel about that alice if you got a job on the strength of your tits on the strength of them i can lift a grown man um i think she should obviously be appalled if that's why she's getting the promotion. But at the same time, she could take it because of those tits and then smash through that glass ceiling. Absolutely. If the tits are strong enough and if it's not double glazed. Tony nodded and thought, yes, she does have great tits. But only for a second.

What Belinda said made sense. And with the massive increase in sales he could easily justify the new sales position to the board what board there's no board what board is allowing all this to go on i'm bored oh no sir james godwin oh sir james godwin is the on the board you're right he's the chairman but does he have a board chairman of the board well he is chairman of the board but don't you have to have a board to be chairman of the board well there might be a board that we just haven't met yet of trustees everyone just stop saying okay let's do this shall we interview her now what that's not how it works they've just got back yeah jet lagged much geez yeah but you don't say i think somebody deserves a promotion and they're

like we'll bring her in then don't you have a longer conversation about it let her prep for god's sake honestly should we like get a list of questions together maybe some other candidates oh yeah she was promoted internally alice what a racket what an absolute racket belinda nodded and wondered if bill in human resources would be assisting bill yes bills you hate bill i hate bill but i love the return of bill well he hasn't returned yet love just she was wondering if he'd be assisting. Oh, well, he won't because he's a fucking waste of space. They're like, here's a list of questions I always ask. Tell them I don't do anything.

Good day. Wait a sec. Are we just reliving with a bit of an intro chapter one from book one? Oh, my God. But with more players. Yes. He's just going to copy and paste it, isn't he? Belinda, the interviewee, becomes the interviewer.

Also, he hasn't even bothered to change the name. He's just deleted the I-N-D from Belinda. He's just, like, chopping down words. Oh, Rocky, you absolute scoundrel. Tony shouted through to Giselle. But that's what he does in book one. Oh my God. Darling, darling, can you get Bella and Bill in here? Bella, Bill and Belinda.

Oh my God, literally, he uses the same letters for all the names. Why yes, my sweetie pie. Oh God, since when? What gave the response? I feel like they've not spoken, I feel like they've not spoken two words to each other. Where's all this affection come from? Maybe over the weeks their affections developed and their love has grown.

Over the week. Belinda looked away in case Tony saw her smirk. Wow, she thought. Leave the offices for five days and lose the gossip trail. As the old saying goes. The gossip trail. Also, has it been five days? And also, has she lost the gossip trail. As the old saying goes. The gossip trail. Also, has it been five days? And also, has she lost the gossip trail?

Also, what is the gossip trail? Also, shut up. Also, what is the gossip trail? Ten minutes later, a panting Bella walked through the door. Sorry for the delay, Tony. But the damn new key cards are all at the creek. Absolutely. Sorry, they've had a whole new key card system put in in the last five days.

They tried to lock Belinda out. While she's out, they're like, change the fucking locks. Don't worry, Bella, said Tony. Would you like a change of job? Oh, wow. No foreplay then. Bella paled. What, like went pale in the face?

Surely Tony wasn't going to sack her for the sake of a few faulty key cards oh so all the colors drained from her because she thinks she's actually going to get the boot fired what a weird presumption to make she's such an idiot and he's such a tyrant by the sounds of it if people live in such fear be Bella shifted restlessly on the white leather couch Belinda had sweated so profusely on at her final job interview. This is what I'm talking about. Did he write book three before he wrote book two? Belinda couldn't say anything.

There was a protocol to these things. What is it? They're not following it. And never have done. Especially when HR was involved. Bill's not involved. Bill is staying in his office. No, Bill's here.

Bill arrived. We won't know yet. We won't know for ages if Bill's there. He is the worst human resources manager on the planet. He's the worst human on the planet. Imagine if there was an investigation into Steeles, Potts and Pans. Which I would actively encourage. They'd be shut down immediately.

Oh, absolutely. God knows what else is going on in there. All she could do was sit back and watch Bella squirm. I don't think a few faulty key cards would... Tony interrupted. Shut up about the fucking key cards. Sorry, Bella. You misunderstand.

We want to offer you a bigger job. Reporting directly to Belinda. Key account manager international sales, to be exact. Key account manager. Are you interested? Key card account manager. She's going to be a KAM. You're kidding me, right?

Bella's just said what everyone's thinking. Squealed Bella. You're kidding me right Bigger salary Company car Expense account Reporting to Melinda Amex card I'll be a fool to say no

So it's a yes yes yes Oh Bella Bella Bella She has presumed all those extras hasn't she They were like no Another fiver a month Free access with a key card. And a new job title. I'd be a fool to say no, so it's yes, yes, yes. Belinda laughed.

Yeah, and lots of work, work, work. All right, Katty, it was her idea. Also, no work, work, work. She's not Rihanna. If she thinks she's doing loads of work she is delusional i'll take that as a yes said tony well she said yes said yes three times i'll take that yes yes yes yes i'll take that as a yes genius brilliant

I'll take that as a yes said Tony meet me in the leather room in 23 minutes to clear up a few loose ends please 23 it's too precise stop it

also to clear up a few loose ends what's that his penis that's really grim hang on so is chapter 2 called the leather room I told you watch out yes sir exclaimed the beaming bella

that was the job interview do you want the job yes you've got the job that's the protocol to be fair the last job interview we saw she got naked and answered no questions at least it was 45 minutes long that was about two seconds i'll write bella a job description this very afternoon and send it to Bill in HR so everything is official she doesn't even have a job description she doesn't even know what she's supposed to be doing yeah I'll do it, brilliant

said Belinda what are they offering then? do you want a different job? what is it? dunno, okay we'll write it up later said Belinda to a purring Tony how she loved this part of the job.

What part of the job? Writing the job description? I guess, yeah. Tricking people into new roles. Key cards, which bit? Bella virtually ran out of the office, bumping into Giselle in the corridor. Congrats, Bella.

Welcome to the team. Sorry, what was the punctuation there? Congrats, exclamation mark. Bella, Welcome to the team. Sorry, what was the punctuation there? Congrats, exclamation mark. Bella, welcome to the team. Unusual. Congrats, Bella. Welcome to the team. Bella was already on the team, wasn't she?

Weren't they the glee team? Thanks, she's out. What a week. But hey, what's that on your finger? Oh, I thought it was like a stain or something. Like a bogey. I've actually just been picking my nose. Well, I'm going to go with my guess.

They're engaged. What's that on your finger? Oh, just a little something Tonyony gave me jesus said bella it's beautiful does it come with a date come with a date a date yeah oh not like does he take you on a date it's like they're engaged you idiot oh my god giselle's gonna be mrs no surname does tony have a surname mrs tony mrs tony are bella and belinda gonna be bridesmaids oh my god obviously gross belinda's gonna be like maid of honor oh my god imagine the hen do the hen do is going to be the pits honestly cock straws strippers that they'll be ever They'll be the works. It's so going to be at the pension or in Amsterdam. Jeepers, said Bella.

It's beautiful. Does it come with a date? Giselle shrugged at her bosom gal pal. Okay. Not a phrase, not a phrase. Bosom gal pal is not a phrase. I'm very excited, but don't tell Belinda. I want her to notice.

You know what I mean? I do know what she means. Really? Because people do do that. When they've had an engagement thrust upon them, they often put their hand out, yeah, and just wait for you to notice the ring. Mum's the word, said Bella,

and then looked down at Giselle's stomach. Sorry, is that the wrong word? No. What? She's pregnant and engaged, is that the wrong word? No. What? She's pregnant and engaged. Is it a shotgun wedding? Giselle punched Bella on the arm. Oh God, I thought you were saying the stomach.

I was like, don't do that. Laughed, shook her head and went back into her office. So she's not pregnant. Okay. Damn it. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if Giselle was pregnant. By rights, they should all be, shouldn't they? Everyone.

Tony, the whole office. It was Friday, 9am, when Belinda jumped off the DLR train and into the Millennium Dome building. What? What? I thought we were just congratulating somebody on their potential pregnancy. Where did this come from? Also, does the DLR go over the Millennium Dome and you kind of parachute in?

Also, who calls it the Millennium Dome? Also, the Millennium Dome is 60 metres high. It definitely does not... Yeah, but guys, you know what the Millennium Dome is? The O2! So for people who maybe aren't from this country that are listening, two things. The DLR is the Docklands Light Railway.

It's like a really shit tube. And goes nowhere near the O o2 it definitely doesn't skim the top of the o2 yeah exactly that's what the cable car's for alice sorry yeah let's read that sentence again just okay it was friday 9 a.m when belinda jumped off the dlr train and into the millennium dome building there's a hole in the top. She's Catwoman. This is so weird. The DLR is her Batmobile. The Millennium Dome building.

It's not called the Millennium Dome anymore. It was never called the Millennium Dome building. It hasn't been called any of those things for at least 15 years as well. How she adored its modernistic curves. Modernistic? It was built in 2000. Isn't it just one curve as well it's 320 meters side to side how do you know that i just know how do you know that well it's um 52

meters up 320 meters side to side and it holds 20 000 people what what is she talking about to be fair more context alice works in the music scene and the O2, or the Millennium Dome, is the biggest music venue in the UK now? Yeah, there's a big one in Hamburg. No, I don't know. I'm just joking. But it's where all the big acts play.

Adele plays there. Beyonce plays there. It is the place to go. And now Belinda. I forgot that she had this booked in. So this is her public speaking moment. Somewhere deep in its winding corridors, Belinda practised her presentation, mouthing deeply.

Suddenly, and without any warning, a small man dressed completely in black clothing appeared next to her. A ninja! A Millennium Dermalding minion. Is he a smallish man or a small man? He is the small man dressed in black. The small man dressed in black. You've got to love the small man dressed in black.

Morning, miss. Oh, hello. He's a chimney sweep. That's what it is. Morning, governor. Take my hand out there. Morning, hello. He's a chimney sweep. That's what it is. Morning, Gavner. Take my hand out there. Morning, miss. I need to microphone you up for the show.

The small man dressed in black said, and an even tinier voice. An even tinier voice than what? Than being small himself. Oh, God. That's so conceptually confusing. How small is he? Small.

Nobody ever says, gosh, his voice was even smaller than he was. Different measures, surely. Funny, Belinda thought, that a man so quiet was in charge of all the sound in the whole of the Millennium Dome building. Ironic, isn't it? It's almost like there's so much sound in his life that he doesn't want to create anymore. Doesn't want to overdo it. Do you think he's so small, like he attaches to her blouse

and holds the mic for her? He's the clip. Oh, my God. He's like a little borrower. It's just a walking lapel mic. Oh, of course. Belinda smiled. After all, she'd seen enough episodes

of The Generation Game to know what went on behind the scenes. Pardon, what? What are you on about? Have you just had a moment? To be mic'd up. Have we missed a bit? She's seen enough episodes of The Generation Game. What year is it? We'll have some listeners who won't know what The Generation

Game is. Oh no. Quite rightly. It's still on TV, isn is it? We'll have some listeners who won't know what the Generation Game is. Oh, no. Quite rightly. It's still on TV, isn't it? Are you joking? When was the last time you watched TV? It's been on TV for 25 years. Maybe I'm wrong. I have terrible knowledge about these things.

Do you just watch old VHSs at home with Rocky? The golden years. We did love the Generation Game as a family, actually, back in the day. But tell me, I might be wrong because we didn't watch it as a family. Do you watch them getting mic'd up? Yeah, like, is there a backstage session? Oh, God. I don't remember that bit.

It would make sense if it was Big Brother or something, but they clearly all wear microphones. Yeah, I don't know. Did the Generation Game go live, like, five minutes earlier than planned? So you could just see what was going on. A live stream. I guess you'll need to thread the wire under my outer clothing. Is that correct?

She said wickedly. Outer clothing? Yes, miss. That would be super duper. Super duper. Super fucking duper. I thought as much, said Belinda, as she ripped off her blouse. No, no, sorry.

Not how it works. No, you can untuck your blouse and push it up under. You don't have to open your blouse. Revealing her heaving tits, which even at that time in the morning were weighing down her brassiere. What, your breasts get heavier as the day goes on? Yeah, they can increase by three to four cup sizes by nightfall you can barely stand they're literally at your knees honestly

gravity grows as the day goes on people don't realize it it's why women often go to bed earlier than men the smallish man dressed in black ogled her chest. He's my fave. The milk tray man is lit. It's the best. Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year

without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need. That's why you need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance. Zensurance does all the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered for what you need. And coverage starts at only $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com and secure your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business. Sorry, do you need more space to work with, Mr. Soundman? Mr. Soundman! Mr. Tamarind Man!

Mr. Soundman! Give me your mic! Oh, God. He's like, no, you lunatic, put your blouse back on. She's torn it asunder. Yeah. Sorry, do you need more space to work with mr sound man no that's fine a small man dressed in black

come now if a job's worth doing i thought you were a professional it's not the phrase if a job's worth doing i thought you were a professional it's even. If a job's worth doing, I thought you were a professional. It's even worse. If a job's worth doing, full stop, I thought you were a professional. In a brisk flick, she pinged off her bra and let her magnificent tits fall. There. Now you can place the wire anywhere you'd like. There's literally nothing to attach it to. Thank you, miss.

The small man dressed in black muttered as he excitedly lassoed the wire around her neck. Then under each tit. Sorry. Sorry, he's not a professional sound man. He's like tying her bow around her neck. To be fair, he hasn't got much to work with. How small is he if he needs to lasso her? As he lassoed the wire around her neck.

Then under each tit, which he held up by its nipple, and finally down her back. Sorry, this wire's gone under her tits, round her neck and down her back. To where? Up her crack and round the front. The mains plug? Like, where is that going?

She's going to put her blouse back on, right, before she goes on stage. She tore it off. Oh yeah, it's in like two pieces. She's so used to ripping it on and off, I'm sure she's fine. It's just Velcro now. Yeah.

Once he was happy with the wire's position, he used lots of masking tape to affix it in place. Just imagine him using a whole roll. You also don't use masking tape. That's about as sticky as a clammy palm. Oh yeah, it's notoriously shit. Oh, I was thinking like duct tape. Oh yeah, me too.

That's what I was thinking, yeah. That's gaffer, right? Yeah, a bit of gaffer, a bit of duct. Now you'll need to attach it somewhere, Belinda said. Yeah, yes. This is ridiculous. What? I thought that's what he'd just done. He's taped her up.

That's where it is attached. Belinda thrusted forward and shoved her sexy ass into the small man dressed in black's face. After all, he was the perfect size for an eyeful of her hot rear. Hot rear? So he comes up to her bum? How tall is she? She is quite statuesque, I think.

Yeah, but he can only be four foot if he's coming up to her tush. Yeah. He's tiny, basically. Yeah, he's a very small man. The smallish man, dressed in black, affixed a wireless microphone block onto Belinda's tight white leather skirt, slapped her perfect ass and said, All ready to go now, miss.

Break a leg, knock him dead. Oh, he's so cute. He just smacked her ass. Yeah, but what nice manner. Also, white leather skirt. Class A. I love that we still don't know his name, as usual. But in this case, I feel like it's like, oh, he's just the crew.

It doesn't matter what his name is. He's just the crew. She's being dismissive. She's the star of the O2. Sorry, Millennium Dome building. She's a headliner. Break a leg, knock him dead. Oh, and here's my card.

You know, for later. He winked a smallish wink. What else? Belinda straightened herself, took the proffered card and moved towards the stage. She's going on. This is it. This is it. You can call me Elfie, by the way.

Oh, not now, Elfie. He shouted. He shouted. He didn't shout, did he? You can call me Elfie, by the way. Add me on LinkedIn and we can connect again. What's the point in giving someone your card if you're going to say, add me on LinkedIn? Also, who's on LinkedIn?

Such a business manual. You see, we forget that these books are about business. I hate LinkedIn. I'm not on it. I'm on LinkedIn. No, actually, I am on it. And my Nana added me on LinkedIn. Hiya, Nan.

I was like, Nana on LinkedIn. I was like, Nana, you kind of need to have a job to be on LinkedIn. She's sending you happy birthday messages on LinkedIn. Her profession was retired. She just wants to be on all the social media platforms. That is hilarious. Gotta have a presence.

Gotta be in it to win it. She needs to be traceable. Oh God, Alfie, not now. I'm trying to go on. Yeah, exactly. You've had all that time and they're up.

Also, why do pots and pans need to connect with sound men? It's two spheres that could really benefit from one another i'm picturing her walking on to like crazy raucous applause and he's like miss my name's alfie alfie you've given me a card i'm trying to go on sweetheart alfie small on twitter you can call me al Alfie by the way

he shouted add me on LinkedIn and we can connect again Belinda blinked drink Belinda twisted on her heels marched onto the stage and in front of her thousands of ladies applauded

thousands of ladies this is who I mean who's in this audience the entire pots and pans industry of ladies applauding. Thousands of ladies! This is who? I mean, who's in this audience? The entire Pots and Pans industry. Thousands of ladies. Well, no, who did she meet on that flight that was doing this? Debbie McGee. They were doing charity tea. Vicky Woods. Vicky Woods.

And who was the other one? Betty Wilkes. Betty Wilkes. And they ran charity tea events. What? But wait, that's two. You just said thousands. Who are the others? Well, it's the O2.

I guess maybe, I don't know. Yeah, but you're never just passing and you're like, oh, look who's on, Donny Osmond. Or some... Some door-to-door tea lady. Spots and vans. Yes, Belinda was dressed to kill. Gone was the normal business wear of yesterday. This morning, she had a new white linen jacket

with a Steeles Pots and Pans lapel badge. On her feet were a pair of Brian Atwood's famous red-coloured high heels. Give them back! What's Brian wearing? Brian's like, oh, I'm going to put my heels on. Where the fuck have they gone? How is he a little J. Edgar Hoover? How does your dad know about Brian Atwood heels?

It's an old-fashioned statement in itself. Oh, sure. Well, of course it is. They're very expensive. Belinda's long, glossy black hair had been styled into a high bun. This was a hairstyle many of her audience could associate with they love a bun now i don't know a lot about pots and pans but i do know a bun hey look marjorie ain't she relatable with that high bun really softens her face um i mean this

outfit doesn't sound like something you would wear like it feels like she's seen like a NSYNC video and decided I'm gonna wear that I also hate to state the obvious but couldn't he have just put the lapel mic on her lapel next to the lapel badge this was a hairstyle many of her audience could associate with does that even mean It brought poise and balance to her erotic body. What every lady in the audience was thinking. But more importantly it still gave her that common down to earth look

but with glamour stamped all over it. People love to be referred to as common. Common, down to earth, down a heel, down trotting. They'll lap that up. And in a Brian Atwood hill as well my darling so i don't know who he is but he sounds great sounds like a very complicated look she's gone for it's evoking a lot of emotions for people good morning ladies ladies her voice boomed around the stadium that is my favorite Does it say that?

Is that the repetition of late? No, I added that. It boomed. Good morning, ladies. Ladies. Her voice boomed around the stadium. Belinda wasn't nervous. She always knew she would one day play the O2.

She's not playing the O2. She thinks she's fucking Katy Perry. She thinks thinks she's fucking katie perry she thinks she's bon jovi and here she was i'm belinda blumenthal the sound is awful what's alfie done the smallish man dressed in black did he not check the levels before he fucked up it's too many wires. So much feedback. He literally didn't sound check either.

He just mic'd up and walked away. I'm amazed it's even on. I'm Belinda Blumenthal, and I'm the International Sales Director of Steels, Pots and Pans. Chaos ensues. Impressed lady voices rippled through the dome. Impressed, I'm so impressed. I'm so impressed, did you hear? I'm through the dome. Impressed? I'm so impressed. I'm so impressed. Did you hear? I'm so impressed. Oh, my God, I'm so impressed.

Very good, very good. Oh, wow. Did she say what I think she said? Have you seen a bun? A bride hat with the heels? Look at the pin badge. Impressed lady voices rippled through the dome. The dome! Stop rolling at the dome! I know you're all wondering, what is new with Steele's pots and pans?

One opener. Oh, God. Well, we've had one order in a month. Giselle's engaged. You don't know who she is. Bella's got a promotion. All that gossip trail. Well, we have just launched our wonderful new range have they the oxybrillo range and it's a very fine range indeed i thought that was an old range that we're trying to get rid of yeah aren't they trying to shift that there's every event she goes to she

just tries to pretend it's brand new she's trying to flog it she's like it's really new and shiny this lovely dusty range that we've got i swear she said they just had to get rid of the last few units and then they could what embark on a new range yeah i swear that was what she said i'm sure so is that what jim's bought fucking old oxybrillo yeah i thought that deal was to just get rid of the last oxybrillo maybe that's what they say to each person to get rid of the last oxybrill. But maybe that's what they say to each person, to get rid of it, to sell it. Be like, oh, look, it is like... Not much left. Yeah. We have just launched our wonderful new range,

the oxybrillo range. And it's a very fine range indeed. Perfect for all your cooking needs. In fact, everyone here today will go home with a non-stick tin pan. You and a car, you and a car, you win a car. Did Oprah Winfrey ever wear that outfit? Is she entirely emulating Oprah? Oh my God.

And also what a disappointing thing to win. What? A non-stick tin walk? Is that what she said? What's non-stick tin? Yeah, it says, in fact, everyone here today will go home with a non-stick tin? Yeah, it says, in fact, everyone here today will go home with a non-stick tin wok. Look under your seats.

Did they hide a non-stick tin wok under everyone's seat without them noticing? They did too. Sorry, Millennium Dome building. Oh my God. This is the best night of my life. You're not going Dome building. Oh, my God. This is the best night of my life. You're not going to believe this.

Oh, no, what? 20,000. Shut up. Shut up. He's researched the capacity of the O2. And it's full. Full to the brim. It's full.

Oh, come on. They've given away 20,000 watts walks so clearly they are still trying to get rid of it well they've just shifted that level off how did no one notice massive what can do you see it's the largest of the pans famously okay what is the cost Of 20,000 bits of free merch For a walk I mean what Like a tenner each maybe No more than that

They retail at like 30 quid Don't they Really RRP I mean Oh yeah Non-stick tin So you're talking about Like a quarter of a million pounds

Investment In a freebie In a stunt Yeah Just so she can go Look under your seat a stunt that she wasn't even aware she was attending about five days ago 20 000 ladies scrambled under their uncomfortable plastic chairs not very ladylike and burst into applause with the with the past cheering as they grabbed their first prize of the day.

There can't be any more free shit. Yeah, seriously. You don't mean literally scrambled either, do you? They weren't like using the wok straight away. They're like, egg fried rice, everybody. Still fried tonight. Needless to say, the presentation was a resounding success. That was the presentation?

Is that the end? She said, does anybody want to know what's going on at Steeles? Then gave them all a walk and that's it. Well, to be fair, if you were asked afterwards, what do you remember? They'd be like, I've got a free walk. It's all a blur after that. Outside, Belinda caught a taxi back to the offices.

Oh, that was literally it. Not even sticking around for like a meet and greet. She's still mic'd up. Alfie's like running after her, but he's got really little legs. Smallish man dressed in black. Outside, Belinda caught a taxi back to the offices where she would debrief Tony. That'll be quick. Tony, I've just spent a quarter of a million pounds on rocks.

600,000 pounds. What? If they're 30 quid each, 600,000 pounds. Over half a million. Oh my God. Oh my God. Surely you have to get that signed off. Tony's like, cancel the key cards.

Cancel the wedding. Clothes, steel, pots and pans. Boy, oh boy, she thought. Are things picking up? What's picking up? It was a busy Friday morning in London and the traffic was worse than normal. What time was it, local time? It took 90 minutes to get back to her office.

That was bad. That's quite good. Hasn't she got to get from the extreme east of London to the extreme west of London? So 90 minutes was actually without traffic. She made killer time. That's amazing. Things are killer time. That's amazing. Things are looking up. That was bad, as she would now be under pressure.

Her four o'clock appointment with the Duchess at the Ritz Spa was important to her. And she could not be late. This book is literally copying and pasting bits from other books. And that is the end of the chapter. Has your dad used up all of his imagination? I feel like he's like, cannot create new places, cannot

create new people. This is, I mean, it's excellent, isn't it? New characters. New characters. Small man all dressed in black. 20,000 new characters. All with lady voices who are very impressed.

The Duchess is back, James. Your favourite character in the whole of Belinda Blink? I wonder what she'll be wearing. Where did we leave the Duchess? Conked out on a bed in a motel, didn't we? No, didn't she drive off into like down a dirt track yeah i remember belinda was like here's my number she's like yeah so there you go chapter one down well that was that was great i mean i'm excited to see what

comes next oh what's chapter two called oh yeah we've pretended we know but it surely can't be the leather room mark two chapter two oh i'm so excited it's called epsom hall oh wait do you think that's where the duchess lives well she's the duchess of epsom that's her house that's her that's her pile that's her country pile oh my goodness i thought we're going to the ritz spa well who knows oh i mean this is rocky he's probably forgotten chapter two belinda was going to epsom so yeah i cannot wait for next week yeah it's good to be back it really is uh so we'd love to hear what you think now that belinda's back what did you think of chapter one hashtag porno day is back in full flow yeah oh my god yeah

amazing um don't forget as usual you can tweet us at dad wrote a porno if you are more into the pictures than the words which i think rocky very much should have been then god no can you imagine rocky on instagram no no no no my dad wrote on insta and also you can email us we do read every single one and we love getting them it's mydadwakeporno at gmail.com. And we've got a brand new range of merchandise we've just launched. Yes. It's very exciting. We've created a collection of mugs, t-shirts, phone cases.

It's quite high end, really. It's bespoke stuff. We've done some greeting cards. These are going to fly off the proverbial shelves. The great thing is, you know, we'd love you to let us know what kind of things you'd like to see on some merchandise and things like that. It's very much a collaboration between us and you. And now we're back for a new series.

It will be absolutely incredible if you could write us a review on iTunes. It helps us find new listeners. It helps us keep going. And also it really boosts our egos. Five star only just because, you know, it's just easier, isn't it, to click five stars? And also Rocky really enjoys reading the reviews. Does he read every one? Yeah.

Aw. Even from different territories. Guys, I am actually really, really pleased that we're back. See you guys next week. Week. Week. Oh, for God's sake. Own each step with Peloton, from their pop runs to walk and talks,

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