My Dad Wrote A Porno - S3E10 - 'Ken Dewsbury's Cellar'

Episode Date: July 31, 2017

Whilst in Leeds, Ken takes Belinda to his highly unusual basement flat where they get to know each other properly Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Picture this, you're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously, on My Dad Wrote a Porno... Big titties Matilda at head office. Trade union boss Andy Milstein. LAUGHTER Belinda moved her legs apart and quietly hitched her skirt upwards, making sure Andy could see directly in it. In it!

LAUGHTER Look at it! Look it in the eye! What magnificently well-formed titties you have, Belinda. Stop saying titties, Andy. It's not the 1950s. He took them firmly in both of his hands and felt their dead weight. Dead weight.

Yes! Hello, everybody. Welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno episode 10. How are you Alice Levine? I am well, how are you Jamie Morton? I'm really good, thanks for asking. James, how are you? I've had better days.

I need a pick me up. You did one of your mum's classic phrases, not today of all days earlier on. Which means you're at a low ebb. Yeah, my mum loves that phrase. Even when it's not a special day in any way at all she's always like not today of all days mum it's a wednesday what's what's the issue but i'm all right because i'm here and i'm excited to hear porn i was gonna say you're about to go into ken jewsby's cellar how can you not be excited by that god i forgot about that

uh there is the door if anyone would like to utilize it um can we leave it open can we can we leave it ajar? Because I might need to run out at any point. Yeah. Unlike the people that live in Canjusbury Cellar. Unfortunately, they cannot run out or see daylight. Do you think there'll be like a little family in there that he feeds with like stale bread and soup?

That would be a dark turn for even Rocky, which he'd then, the next chapter, just be like, but they walked out. It turns out the door wasn't locked, so it was absolutely fine. But he'd just think that was like Downton or something. That's just the servants' quarters. Like upstairs, downstairs.

Exactly. They're literally downstairs in the cellar with no light. That concerns me that he doesn't know the difference. My worry is it's a sex cellar. It's like a dungeon. That's my worry. Well, that would be the logical thing to assume. Why are they always cellars dungeons?

Why is it never like a kind of like nice bay-fronted dungeon? An open-plan dungeon. Yeah. With a through lounge and patio doors. Exactly. Yeah, lovely French doors. That'd be nice for a dungeon, wouldn't it? Well, because you always want them hidden out of the way.

You don't generally want people seeing your sex apparatus. Well, it's only going to be viewed as seedy if you're going to hide it. Or hearing the screams. Oh, Lord. Yeah, but you can't be sexual screams yes that's why i said oh lord you can't be like in the lounge with the fucking sex swing and be like sorry mum just just mind my uh well first of all move out before you decide to get a sex dungeon oh god we're not going to find out the basement's like a granny annex for ken dewsbury's mum are we now we know why she says not today of all days james get off that sex all days i love the idea he's like budge up mom i'm trying to construct the sex swing getting it ready for tonight got an alan keema

bloody flat pack ikea does a lovely range actually for all budgets have you seen though ikea's belinda blinked inspired i'm thinking that they're inspired range of pots pans bowls it's called there's a range at ikea called blanda blank yeah and it's pots and pans and all sorts and it's called blanda blank wait a sec surely we get some kind of royalties it's outrageous isn't it we want prenup i'm actually really annoyed about that my My dad's livid. Oh, do you know what? He will be investigating IP law right now. Oh my God, honestly. Search history, love eggs, IP law.

Did I invent the love egg? Maybe blander blank was what he actually typed into Word at first and it like auto-corrected it to blander blank. To be fair, sometimes it still says blander blank. You've been reading ahead, haven't you? Are we ready to kind of venture down there then? Where? What? Down there to the sex dungeon of Ken Dewsbury.

I think I need a headlight and a high-vis jacket. And the Marauder's Map. And I need a strong drink. We're going underground. Belinda Blink-3, Chapter 10, Ken Dewsbury's cellar. The cellar door scraped open noisily as Ken ushered belinda into his spare basement flat spare he's a landlord he's letting us stay there for the night we needn't have been worried but wait what do you mean no one's got a spare flat he does clearly in leeds they do what do you mean

in leeds they do what do you mean well like leeds just has loads of flats. Sorry, this is like a sweeping generalisation. Everyone in Leeds has got a spare flat. Well, look, there's just a lot of flats in Leeds and maybe he just hasn't managed to rent it out recently. Oh, I wonder why. If you can't rent out to the Leeds students, there's something really wrong with that seller. Sorry, it's not the Ritz, boss. But it's got a shower and drinks, so you should be fine. Oh, all of my tick boxes have been satisfied then. Can I get clean and blind drunk so I can forget I'm in the cellar with no window?

And then get clean again. Yeah. Belinda looked around. There was a widescreen, fairly newish TV, two sofas, a table and matching chairs, and a well-used dartboard. A used dartboard! It's like a student flat. It's a table and a student flat. It's a lot of furniture as well for what i imagine is quite a small room i don't know why but a large tv newish newish also

what's with the dartboard i mean i'm imagining that's just one of dad's classic what do yorkshiremen like to do play darts down the pub or in their cellar is not wrong or in their cellar. Is not wrong. Or in their spare basement flat. The idea that it's spare. Really, that really grates on me. Two ohms can. I know, someone's doing all right for themselves. The low ceiling. Oh, lovely.

Made it look more cramped than it was. Sell it, sell it, Rocky. The fact that her head was at an angle made it feel less comfortable than it was. A male domain, she guessed. Oh, sure, because of the double sofa, dartboard set up. Widescreen, newish TV, you know the kind. Lads will be lads. A male domain, she guessed.

Perhaps Ken's knocking shop on a good day. Knocking shop? Yeah. What, here's a separate flat to have sex with women and play darts? What a combo. You can wash and you can drink. Knocking shop, that's a bit grim. What is a knocking shop? Is it a brothel?

I think it is like an old, is it an old word for brothel? Yeah, I think so. If we weren't in Ken Dewsby's cellar, we could all Google it, but unfortunately we're underground. Oh yeah, we are today. Oh yeah, that's fitting. We're literally without any windows. Or connection to the internet.

So usually I presume a knocking shop is a one-stop shop, quite literally. Whereas he's like, I'll just centralise it all in my own spare flat. Yeah, exactly. Okay, fine. Mind you, it didn't say much for the standard of bird he attracted if this was where it all happened.

What's happened to this chowder? Why does she sound like this? Why has she gone to such a lad? Birds. Like a ye olde lad. Unless he actually means birds. He keeps birds in there. Oh, maybe. Maybe, like Kez.

Like a pigeon shed. Ken led Belinda through to the bathroom area. The bathroom. In the corner was a well-used toilet. Ew! Used! Well used! Well used.

Also, no, hang on. Bathroom area suggests that it's not... There's, like, demarcated. It's just, like, a bit of the... A wet room. A bit of the room. In the corner was a well-used toilet. In the corner.

That sounds like prison, doesn't it? A grottyty dirty plastic shower and a sink no wonder he can't find anyone to rent it jesus this is like a crack den it is a bit isn't it oh what does well-used toilet mean though how would you know at just a glance how would you know how well used it was i imagine it's like stains from over the years if walls or basins could talk if this seat could tell stories a strong smell of permanent rising damp was probably the clue as to why it wasn't rented out this place sounds fucking awful to be fair it sounds like somewhere you lived when you were in leeds yeah yours wasn't you lived in some right shelves yeah i once lived with eight people in Leeds. Yeah, yours wasn't. You lived in some right shelves. Yeah, I once lived with eight people in one flat and it was hell. I was by the front door and they'd come in at like five in the morning,

bang the front door and start playing techno music. But the straw that broke the camel's back. Techno music? Because you're just a university in Frankfurt. Heavy vibe music, sorry. The straw that broke the camel's back was one day I came down to the fridge to get my cheese to make a cheese sandwich. Oh God, I know where this is going.

Yeah. And took my cheese out and there was a massive bite mark out of my cheese. So I was marching around the house going, who bit my cheese? Who bit my cheese? Turns out it was this girl. But I was so mad because it just felt so disrespectful. You don't just bite someone's cheese.

You do not bite someone's cheese and not expect consequences. I mean, I feel like you bite someone's cheese but you take them out for dinner first, you know? We all lived with kind of horrors when we were at university on a varying sliding scale. What did you have to deal with with my parents gave us a fridge freezer because there were six of us in the flat

it's a very generous gift yeah isn't it to use for like drinks and stuff freezer or just a regular swing door regular swing door one of each one for the freezer one for the fridge um and i went down to london to visit some friends one weekend and when i came back uh this girl that i lived with they'd put it in a skip what on her own no she'd enlisted the girl on wheels from down the road not actually on wheels we used to just call her that because she was like a german u-boat she'd suddenly be by your side at a party you're like how did you get here you're kind of heavy set i know just the one you mean i'd forgotten about her yeah so wait as a vendetta against you yeah she removed your ability to chill things.

I mean, that's dark. Honestly, Rocky was furious. To this day, he hates her. Was it new, the fridge freezer? It wasn't new, but it was perfectly workable. It was a well-used fridge freezer, Alan. But why did she took it away? Was it like in her way?

No, she just hated me. Jamie stored it in a bedroom. But, you know studentville i lived with nice people oh i know who you're gonna say my favorite she was crackers she was absolutely bonkers she didn't know that carrot didn't come cubed didn't she used to call things funny food yeah so a lot of stuff she considered funny food and because obviously i was having sort of like mackerel pasta on the daily she thought everything i ate was funny food but um she loved potatoes in every form so often on a plate in her words she'd have like potato smileys your potato waffles you'd have your mash you'd have your you

know the ones where they like scoop the inside all the skins it's just like potato skins that you can buy and they've like impregnated them with something. All in one meal? Oh, that was just the plate. It was just totally beige. And she smoked, I would say, between 100 and 150,000 cigarettes a day. Her room, honestly. Oh my God. It was like an experiment. How she was still alive, I don't know.

Starch and smoke. She looked an absolute treat. I mean, I won't name names, but Maggie, I hope you're okay. She's not. She'll be dead. That's a lot of cigarettes. She'll have choked on her potato skin. It's so soft.

None of it needed chewing. She'll be fine. She was carb loading long before it was her thing. God, how did we get through those times? Thank God we found each other, guys. Seriously. Seriously. Thank God.

You can get showered at your own time, Ken grunted and left the room without closing the door. Bye, Ken. Rude. Can you imagine him being your landlord? He would so turn up unannounced, because, you know, they're supposed to give you, like, 24 hours notice. Yeah. You'd just hit the key in the door, wouldn't you?

Yeah. And your reporter would probably be like, Ken, like, the wall's falling down. He'd be like, fix it yourself, you bastard. On your own time. Hmm, thought Belinda. He's going to have a peaky pie probably. Peaky pie? Literally what has gone on with her vocabulary?

He's going to have a little peaky pie. He's going to have a peaky pie probably. Don't know why. He's seen all I've got already. And many times at that. Has he? Yeah, at the Pentra. And also two hours ago at the distribution centre. Everybody did.

Next door. Oh, Ken. What? Ken opened a hidden cupboard. Of course he did. And switched on his video recording gear. For the bathroom? What pervert?

He's a voyeur. He's like Alphonse. He's more than a bloody voyeur. He'd spent thousands on it. Thousands? What's he got, a fucking gallery? Cut to camera two. Go to Gypshop. Okay, we're going in wide on Melinda's vagina.

Wide on Melinda's vagina. Medium close-up, please. Has he got loads of people in there ready? A floor manager. Yeah, exactly. And in five, four. Quite on set, please. Quite on set.

So this is why the flat's in disrepair. He spent all of his money on this secret recording studio. Right. He'd spent thousands on it. And diligently, he checked all the feeds. All the feeds! how big is the flat well six from the bathroom sick what are you talking about 10 from the lounge 10 8 from the bedroom 10 from the lounge about 8 on the dartboard if he ever got her that far it's like a big

brother house it's the big brother house wait if he ever got her that far so this is just for belinda so this isn't like if he ever got her that far, so this is just for Belinda. So this isn't like if he ever got them that far. This is all for Belinda. He's been planning this for months. That's so gross. Did he create the whole Barney with the distribution centre just so he could get her up to Yorkshire? No.

Yeah, he's mental. He'd ensured all possible angles were covered and dreamt of re-enacting many porno versions of his favourite TV shows, Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad and Dinner Ladies. No, it does not say that. That's my dad's favourite TV show. Oh my God. Dinner Ladies? Yeah. A sitcom about old ladies that work in a canteen?

Victoria Wood. International listeners might not realise how inappropriate that is as an inspiration for porn and also game of thrones basically is porn yeah oh yeah that's ready to go and also how is he going to recreate game of thrones in his fucking shitty little flat isn't it gonna be a bloodbath breaking bad is more appropriate didn't someone get melted down in a bath with acid what has rocky seen any of these shows probably not you know he probably just knows what's popular i feel like he's heard people chat about both of those shows he's heard of game of thrones he's heard of breaking bad he loves din ladies so assumes it's just as popular yeah they were when he wrote these books they must have been like at their actual height of popularity oh

my god yeah that makes sense he definitely definitely hasn't seen them which i love i love that he's just throwing it in bel Belinda was, however, no slouch and had already clocked the multicoloured AV wires crudely stapled to the walls. What a sleuth. She's cracked the case. How she loved a performance. And a performance was what she was going to give her regional sales manager, Yorkshire.

Comma Yorkshire. Semicolon. Doesn't make sense. Love that. Doesn't make sense. Any towels, Ken? Belinda shouted dramatically from the shower. She's going to do some sort of flannel dance.

She's going to turn it into a swan like they do on all-inclusive holidays and leave it on the bed. Also, Belinda shouted dramatically. She's that R turn it into a swan like they do on all-inclusive holidays and leave it on the bed. Also, Belinda shouted dramatically. She's that Rada or something. Wouldn't that be more like, any towels? Any towels? Ken, Ken, Ken. Fetch the towels. Towels?

Towels? God, Belinda, I'm sorry. I took the last one's own for washing and I haven't replaced them yet Ken Well he's done it on purpose hasn't he so there's nowhere to hide Didn't expect to be using this place this week you see Bullshit

Bullshit Fucking shit This has been months in the planning This is a full shiny floor Saturday night TV show Ant and Deca are about to jump out of the cabinet This is fun for all the family. Don't tell me you weren't planning it.

Belinda rolled her eyes and didn't for one minute believe him. I'm with Belinda. And shrugged her swinging tits at the creaking camera blinking above Ken's head. The cameras are blinking.

Oh, that's new. Imagery. So she's swinging her tits at the cameras. Above Ken's head. Okay. Why are they all like, hang on, GoPros? Is he in the room?

Yeah. Because of the towels. So she's taller than him. When you say swinging, do you mean like in a sort of... I think she's like shaking her kind of, you know, her torso like that. But she's doing it at the cameras, but isn't she doing it at him? But I think that she is performing to the cameras. Right.

I think she thinks she's some sort of dramatic actress. I don't care what she thinks she is. What does it say? She swung her boobs above his head. At the creaking camera blinking above Ken's head. Sorry, the camera's creaking. This setup is fucking ridiculous. You can see the wires. It's creakingaking get some wd-40 on that and he's spent

thousands on it now i feel sorry for him now i feel like he's been taken for a fool they saw him coming in dixon's didn't they i don't think they provide yeah sorry dixon's I think this is a very much black market scheme. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription?

Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Oh, you'll have to rub me dry with your bare hands, Ken. Famously doesn't dry you, but you can try. Whatever you say, boss. I'll get the wine. What? No dry me with your hands you idiot. I mean he did promise her drinks. What? Oh my god this chapter is erratic

at best. What is happening? Even for dad this is terrible. We've talked about. Terrible. Like terrible. Yeah we've gone from towels to wine via cameras all in one sentence. And also some like family sitcoms that haven't been on TV for 15 years. Belinda finished showering and shook as much water off herself as she could.

Like a dog. She sauntered bald naked and bold as brass. Like bald melon. She was bold as a coot. She summoned a bald eagle. Now that's alliteration. That's quite good. Sure.

She sauntered bald naked and bold as brass. I'm clutching at straws here, guys. Bald and naked. I know he said it before, but brilliant. Bald, naked and bold as brass, threw to the lounge and smiled at Ken. Oh, God. No need for those cameras.

Cue camera 13. Ken handed Belinda her wine and pointed for her to sit on the table. On the table. There's two sofas. Two sofas, matching chairs. He pulled the chairs away. Oh, fine.

What the hell is going on? Ken Gisbury's fucking weird. Is this a cry for help, this chapter? I feel like if you rearranged the paragraph, it would say something like... We read it backwards. Yeah, I don't want to write these books anymore. But what I like is that at least he's kind of remembering it's a porno again. There was a time earlier on in this book when there was no sex at all,

whereas now I feel like at least he's back on the, oh yeah, this is supposed to be erotic, this is supposed to be kind of kinky and sexy and dirty. I mean, it's obviously only two of those things. Belinda took a quaff of the cold wine. Quaff? Like a massive quaff.

You know, she's like down the glass. Is that even quaff meat? Oh yeah, to quaff. Can you take a quaff? I'm not sure it's a measure. Was it a shot? No, it was merely a quaff. Belinda took a quaff? I'm not sure it's a measure. Was it a shot? No, it was merely a quaff. Belinda took a quaff of the cold wine, and whilst not the same quality as a Chilean Chardonnay, it would do the job. She leaned back, resting on one hand propped behind her, opened her legs wide and relaxed on the wooden table, opened her legs wide and relaxed on the wooden table watching the shower water dripping from her hair

and Ken eagerly observing her partially opened labial lids. Partially opened. It's a soft launch. Her lids are in beta. Let's get your draught off before you catch your death at cold. Oh, he's a horrible combination of like fatherly, sort of like grandfatherly, because he's got this horrible old way about him.

Like a sort of like busybody neighbour. Like there's like nothing sexy about him. There is nothing appealing about Ken Dewsbury, even his name. Are we supposed to think that she's into him? Of course she's into him. She's Belinda. She's not.

I feel like she's... She? Of course she's into him. She's Belinda. She's not. She's, I feel like she's... She's confused. She's confused. You know, she has to show all regional sales managers equal love. Right, yeah. I feel like she's going to... Has she been with every regional sales manager now? Des Martin.

Has she been with him? Kind of. He dribbled on her breasts. Sucked her boobs, didn't he? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you count that as being with someone. Well, if you don't, a lot of listeners are going to have to reassess their romantic status. Patrick O'Hamlin, no.

No. Dave Wilcox? No. So Ken's the second of four. And what about Jim Thompson? Jim Thompson, I feel, isn't a real RSM, so maybe doesn't get the exact same treatment as the boys. Do you think they're all horcruxes and she has to shag them all and then she gets a promotion? Oh, yeah.

I mean, I'd like to think that these books are that deep, but I don't think so. Let's get your dry off before you catch your death at cold. I'm picturing his hands like massive Brillo pads. Massive hands. Do you think? I think massive hands. Big thumbs.

Said Cairn in a husky voice, taking her wine from her. Belinda thought, he's excited. I think I'm going to get my first penetration of the day after all. What a relief. Also, first penetration of the day. Get your measures in check. Honestly. Yeah.

And also, wasn't she just in Brussels? Have a night off. Of the day. You're so right, James. Of the day. Ken started to rub his hands over Belinda's breasts, stomach and thighs. Oh, sure. Doing his unsuccessful best to dry her off with a few spare pieces of paper. Paper? What, like A4 paper?

He's resourceful. That's good. Can he not just use what he's wearing? His cardigan. I imagine he's got a cardigan on. Oh, he's definitely wearing a cardi. He then turned her over on the table and repeated the technique on her back, ass and legs, pushing her legs wide apart as he did. He changed tactics when he reached her feet and started... In case he sliced up her toes all those paper

cuts and started to suck her big toes i don't get this and i know it's like horses for courses and you're into whatever you're into but big toes and foot fetishes yeah i don't even think it's like gross because it's kinky i just i just think I just think because they're horrid, aren't they, feet? The worst part of anyone's body. And big toes are so odd. And so often people don't cut their toenails. Oh, no. Belinda cuts her toes for something.

Athletes foot. Ingrown toenails. And the bits on the side of the nail where you can gouge out the gathering. What? Excuse me? Gouge out the gathering? All right, Rocky. You need a pedicure.

No, but that's what I mean. When you give yourself a pedicure or somebody gives you a pedicure, they do the scraper under the nail and it takes out stuff that's gathered there. If you're sucking a big toe, that's going to excavate that. Also, has he got them both in his mouth at the same time?

It's good, but it's not. But do you just, do you suck them? Do you chew them? What do you do? I don't know. What's good? Like, who's it good for? Is it good for the person whose tootsies they are?

I think, yeah, it must be better for the person receiving the suckage than the one just... Than the one who's sucking on the toes. God, you'd have to brush your teeth after that, wouldn't you't you well your feet are the workhorses of your body you know they take the brunt of your life don't they well yeah but i mean i feel like people suck other stuff that is kind of maybe a little bit more do they alice i don't know i feel like people put stuff in their mouths that you don't know where it's been. And most of the time you know that a big toe's been in a shoe. Belinda murmured some words

in excitement. Her big toes were one of her best erogenous zones. Oh, she likes it. And she was quickly under Ken's crafty but artful control. Oh, because he knows what he's doing in this department. This is not his first time at the footsie-tootsie rodeo.

And also, Belinda murmured some words in excitement. Some words, some words. We're never told what words they are. Just that, some words, some words. Clean your bathroom, clean your bathroom. Why have you got so many cameras? Ken started to strip off his business suit shirt tie and trousers still sucking belinda's big toes how kept them in her mouth as he was getting undressed it's not the first time that's

happened though is it they're quite nifty in these books about maneuvering certain things in and out of their mouths while they shimmy out of things and also i guess you don't want to ruin the moment if she's under his crafty but artful control it's you know you don't want to ruin the moment. If she's under his crafty but artful control, you don't want to ruin that. True, true. Soon, he too was naked. That's what happens when you take your clothes off. If we've learnt one thing from these books. Belinda turned round on the table and studied him.

He was massive in the cock area. Oh, we'll see. Well endowed. And the cock area is very near the bathroom area, right? She'd have to remember to call him Big Ken from now on. Gonna need a wide angle. Get it all in. Cinemascope. Panorama, please.

It's now in Technicolour. God, HD's gonna be petrifying, isn't it? Ken's tongue moved its way inexorably up Belinda's body. It's now in technicolour. God, HD is going to be petrifying, isn't it? Ken's tongue moved its way inexorably up Belinda's body. What, from the toes? Via the ankle, up the calf. That's quite a lot of distance. That is.

That's a dry tongue he's got there. Yeah, I was going to say, he's got moistened along the way. Needs to be watered en route. That'd have all these little mouth spritzes. Ken's tongue moved its way inexorably up Belinda's body until he reached her clitoris. Oh, so like halfway up, really, from toe to clit. There. It rested.

He paused. Yes, I thought so. For a few minutes. A few minutes. He just lay in slumber. Giving her a proper doing oh a proper doing

I'm going to give you a proper doing I just want two minutes rest my tongue's a bit dry but well I'll give you a proper doing honestly I was like

I've got a stitch in my tongue I didn't know that was a thing and then I'll give you a proper fucking doing alright who said romance was dead a proper fucking doing all right who said romance was dead a proper doing oh put that in a valentine's card fuck me there he paused for a few minutes giving her a

proper doing oh god and then moved on to her tits and nipples oh my honestly, that really did just churn my stomach. Belinda screamed in anticipation. Oh god. Fuck me, Ken. Just fuck me. I need it so, so badly. Oh god. Chill out, Belinda. I've been a good girl all day. Ew.

And that twat of a TGWU union man just wouldn't release me. What's happening? My orgasm is still building and building. Please, Ken, just fuck me. Do it now. Wait, is this now some kind of like self-meditation tape? I'm trying to really make it less disgusting. Like my dad wrote that.

You're trying to cope with it. I'm trying to just like... Now's not the time for that. We need the the voice and we need that we need the drama please it's too real so what was it it's fuck me fuck me what was it come on fuck me fuck me go from fuck me fuck me just fuck me oh, it's so disconcerting that that's my dad's name. Oh, my God. Fuck me, Ken. Just fuck me. I need it so, so badly.

It sounds like a song. Fuck me, Ken. Just fuck me. I need it so, so badly. I feel like it's a really saucy country song. Fuck me, Ken. Just fuck me. I need it so, so badly.

Miley Cyrus would sing it. I've been a good girl all day. That twat of a TGWU union man wouldn't release me. My orgasm is still building and building. This is like a haiku or a poem or something. Please, Ken, just fuck me. Do it now. No.

This is kind of like like that's almost like the bridge or what did george edgars say the pre-chorus that's the pre-chorus right okay anyone who can write songs put that to music please it'd be lovely to hear your interpretation i mean that's a really difficult bit and then it goes into yeah you can get the TGWC union guy in my orgasm is still building and building

I feel like that would go to fade so it would be like and building and building and building and building please can just fuck me do it now

it needs some work but yeah I mean I think potentially with my vocal and somebody writing and producing it why are you laughing no but yeah seriously if someone wants to my vocal and somebody writing and producing it. Why are you laughing?

No, but yeah, seriously, if someone wants to put that to music, we'd welcome it. I want to hear it. Ken did his powerful best. His penis penetrated her in one fluid movement. One? He gets one pump. Releasing Belinda's snowballing orgasm. That's quite good, isn't it?

For dad. Everything is caveated with for dad. So is she saying that he did like one thrust and that was enough for her or that was enough for him? Because if it's enough for him, what a fucking anti-climax. What, one in and then came? Yeah, one push in, that's it. Oh no, no. As much as I'd like that to be true. belinda locked her legs around the table's legs legs legs going around in this chapter

belinda locked her legs around the table's legs and held on for grim death also what's gonna happen that she needs to think be thinking about grim death ken pounded her hard belinda screamed oh it's the next verse harder harder don't stop now keep going i need a bigger orgasm harder harder i'm not gonna, the dialogue is patchy. Lyric, please. They orgasmed together. He loves it when that happens. That's his favourite thing.

Ken fell on top of her. Broke the table. And suffocated her to grim death. But it's all on camera, so it's fine. And sucked her nipples till they were totally overextended. Totally. You've overextended yourself there, love. Those nipples are overextended.

And by overextended, you mean they won't go back in again? You know, like when you pull a slinky too hard? Yeah, and it won't retract. Oh, no. Hope you're not back up to see the region for a month or so, said Ken. I'll need some time to recover. Oh, because it was such a great little pump. Yeah.

Belinda smiled and thought, Big Ken? Big Ken? You're a good'un. She didn't say it like that. Big Ken! Big Ken! You're a good'un.

And that is the end of the chapter what a weird time we just had odd very odd so what was the point of the cameras well they were on

they were recording all that were they I don't know did you press record I don't think they're going to press record can you imagine oh now I forgot to do anything.

I always forget to press record. I feel like sales of basements could go through the roof now that people realise the potential. Oh, honestly, like get them converted because who knows what you could do with them. Or don't convert them. That doesn't sound converted. That just sounds like a genuine hovel. Just find a well-used toilet and put it on the market. And get a dartboard in there.

Jobs are good. So will we be there next chapter? We have now left Yorkshire. Oh, sure. Not just the flat, but Yorkshire. I think I speak for everyone when I say good. Because I know what happens in the next chapter. How do you know?

Because it's called cock-a-doodle-flu. Shut up! What does that even mean? It's giselle's hen do get your sashes ready get your cock straws i am so excited i want you two dressed up for the next record okay oh my god shall we Should we get in hen do gear? So keen. Oh my God. Stop it.

I know. Stop it. I know. What could possibly happen on that hen do that could be any worse than what's happened so far? It's going to be disgusting. I can't wait. Yeah.

You've got to come back next week. I feel like this is going to be a major event in the Belinda Blinked world. Yeah. So I feel like if you're listening next Monday and you're going to be on Giselle's hen do with us, maybe we should have a kind of if you know, you know thing. So if you're on your commute and you're trying to identify if other people are on Giselle's hen do, maybe we should all wear a little L plate.

You know how hens always wear those? Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. So just like make a little one, a little learner plate. Concealed about your person somewhere. Exactly. Just, like, pin it on your jumper or on your coat, whatever. And you'll be able to see other belinkers. Exactly.

So a little red owl, a little white square, wherever you think is discreet enough to place it. And also be totally drunk on your commute so people can see that you're on a hen party. If you know, you know. If you know, you know. And we should also say a hen party is a bachelorette party for everybody in Yankville. There you go.

Got everyone covered there. In the meantime, do get in touch with us on Twitter at dadwroteaporno. We're on Instagram at mydadwrotea. And you can email us if you want. It is mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com. There's also a few tickets left for our Australian tour. It's coming very, very soon. Very soon.

Some are sold out and some are close to selling out. So if you go to mydadroadporno.com now, you can get your tickets before they all go. And we're doing other live dates around the world. They're all on the website. They are indeed. And if you like your T-shirts, your mugs, your postcards, your mouse bags.

We should definitely do mouse bags. Then you can go check out our selection of merchandise. Just go onto our website and there's a link to it all there. All together now. Fuck me, Ken, just fuck me. I need it so, so badly. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell.

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