My Dad Wrote A Porno - S3E11 - 'Cock-A-Doodle-Flew'

Episode Date: August 7, 2017

Belinda and Bella want to surprise Giselle with a special flight for her hen do so ask an old friend to help them out. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno. He paused. Yes, I thought so. Giving her a proper doing. Oh! Oh!

Belinda locked her legs around the table's legs and held on for grim death. Grim death! Isn't it dear life? Fuck me, Ken. Just fuck me. I need it so, so badly. It sounds like a song.

Fuck me, Ken. Just fuck me. I need it so, so badly. It sounds like a song. Fuck me, Karen, just fuck me. I need it so, so badly. Hello, everybody. Welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. James, I'm going to start with you this week. How are you? Ready to party. Oh my God, he's on a hag do.

Alice, how are you? L-plates are on, we're rather penis drunk. Wow! Yeah, we asked people to put L-plates on this week, didn't we? We better be wearing them. If you're listening to this without an L-plate on... Stop listening. No, do still listen.

Oh yeah, to the end. But then be ashamed of yourself. Even to the social shoutouts. Oh my God, people are so switched on with the social shoutouts. But what's their Instagram? How would I ever find it out? Yes, we are about to go on Giselle's hen do. This is very exciting.

About a week after they announced the engagement, the hen do's happening. I've never been on a hen do, obviously. This is quite a step into the unknown. I'm not sure my dad's ever been on a hen do either, so. Has he been on a stag do? Oh yes, many. We've been on a hag do, which is men and women all together at once. It was our female friend and just her male friends, because she has no female friends. So we called it a hag do which is men and women all together at once it was our female friend

and just her male friends because she has no female friends so we called it the hag do little combo though quite like that yeah it's good yeah it was alright actually it was fun

I mean it was nothing compared to what I imagine this is going to be no this is going to be absolute chaos and also we aren't strictly speaking

supposed to know because it hasn't been revealed yet this is just me spoiling it for everyone oh right soz to get us in the mood stop reading ahead I know i'm sorry i have stopped from now on can you imagine if it's actually one of those slightly boring classy ones where they go and like paint plates or something oh god afternoon tea yeah boring no this is going to be rocky's

idea of what a hen do is so stripper stripper Stripper. Limo, probably. Oh, stretch. Stretch limo. Fucking buckets of cocktails. Oh, yeah, like a fishbowl, but giant. Yeah. Do you think Giselle's mum will be invited? Of course. I love the weird guest list at hen do's. Yeah, that's so awkward. There's always an aunt that's quite a bit older.

There's always like school friends plus work friends. Bit of a division. One gay guy. Always. Always one gay guy. James, always fulfilling the quota. No, bit of a division one gay guy always always one gay guy James always fulfilling the quota no never been a gay on a hen do

and never will be really why is that well because I feel like when you're a gay on a hen do you have to really camp it up and go to the extreme

James you want to have stag do I've been on stag dos with James before he's like please don't touch me you beastly boy James doing paintballing

lord it was a sight I'm incredibly masculine I don't touch me, you beastly boy. James doing paintballing, Lord. It was a sight. I'm incredibly masculine, I don't know what you're talking about. James made a lovely, lovely canvas for the wall. He made everyone a lovely side salad in the villa.

Distressed lettuce and all. I'm just pleased it's going to be happier than Kendrewsbury's cellar. It's quite depressing underground lair. God, that was so boring as well. It promised so much and delivered so little.

This is Rocky Flintstone and Belinda Blinked, lest we forget. Okay, should we get reading? Let's get reading. Belinda Blinked 3, chapter 11, Cock-a-doodle-flu. I forgot about the title. And it's spelt cock-a-doodle-flu semicolon.

Oh, of course. Of course. What a lovely flag. Everything's in there. Belinda was running late. Oh, dear. Another Alice. Don't bring this up now,

because I know you're stressed about it at the moment. She'd slept in. Oh shit. Well, she must have been haggard. Like, you know, when you're in someone's cellar, you lose track of time. No light. Yeah, Wednesday, Wednesday night. It's like a casino.

Her trip to Yorkshire had taken more out of her than she thought. Bella's new replacement called Maeve. Sorry? What? What? Bella's replacement. What Maeve Sorry Who What Bella's replacement What replacement She left No she got promoted

Oh new reception We've got a new reception There's really no need To back Phil Maeve How old is Maeve Also how Irish is Maeve Love that

Oh god Oh no Old Maeve Binchy Heading up reception Maeve is going to get a shock She'll be like What the hell is going on here I feel like Maeve Binchy, heading up reception. Maeve is going to get a shock. She'll be like, what the hell is going on here? I feel like Maeve is such a respectable girl. And maybe she's worked in the family business before

and this is like her big job in the city. It is going to be the end of Maeve. Yeah, never had a key card before. Oh my, the key cards are going to throw her just from the beginning. Bella's new replacement called Maeve smiled at her as she pushed the heavy glass entrance door open. Maeve's going to try and book a cab, isn't she? From Steeles to Heathrow.

Oh, rookie error. Rookie error. It's never going to happen, Maeve. And I bet they all laugh when she does that. Oh, don't. She just booked the cab. She didn't, famously, but precisely. Or they'll be like, Maeve, just go get something from that room on the left, and it'll be the leather room.

And you'll just hear like, ah! Also, is there going to be that awkward thing where Giselle's like, do I invite her? Do I not? To the wedding? To the hen do. Oh, yeah. Well, both actually. It's a nightmare.

Invite lists for weddings. Oh, I know. Political as anything. Yeah. Because you guys are going to a wedding where you're going to the day and the night and I'm just going to the night. You're just an evening guest. Yeah. I think that's because you refused the day guest invite

actually. You're right but that's not the point. It's still awkward. Even more so now. Maeve's got evening guests written all over hasn't she? Oh yeah.

If she's lucky actually. Morning Belinda. She said. Where's she from? Why have you gone Irish? Because it's Maeve. Oh my god brilliant. We've not had an Irish.

Oh we have. We have had an Irish. Oh the McDonagh brothers. And Paddy. And Paddy O' had an Irish. Oh, we have. We have had an Irish. Oh, the McDonagh brothers. And Paddy. And Paddy O'Hanlon. Yeah. Of course. But this is your best accent, so no complaints this week, hopefully.

Morning, Belinda, she said. Oh, hi, Maeve. Oh, hi, Maeve, who I've never met before. Oh, hi, Maeve. Don't know who you are. You started quickly. Belinda replied, stifling a yawn. Oh, hi, Maeve.

Already bored of her. If Belinda's not interested, you know she's not fucking up. The conversationalist of the office doesn't want to know. In her office, she relaxed into her black leather swivel chair and reviewed the last few days in her mind. In her mind? Like Minority Report, just swinging past her face. What day is it? Friday?

I guess, yeah, the day after her trip to Yorkshire. Then you know what it is? It's Glee Team time! Oh, is it Glee Team time? Yes! What year is it again? 1066? The pace was just too intense. It was too intense, James. She basically hadn't stopped since her trip to Amsterdam.

And she knew she would burn out if she didn't start to manage her time better. Finally. She's realised. The penny has dropped. She's going to burn out and it's going to burn out. Like it's like the friction, there's going to be some awful sparking. Every part of her deserves a rest, for God's sake. Respite of some sort.

She needs to be put into some sort of like deep cryogenic sleep. That's the only way she can regenerate. Otherwise she's going to do some like Benjamin Button shit. She's going to look ancient. Perhaps she needed a holiday. Jaded wasn't a word she wanted to entertain. But perhaps a weekend break would be the answer. She's always away.

She's not away for leisure though. It's for pleasure though it's for pleasure it's for business though and also I travel quite a lot for business and people always have a go at me saying oh nice time was it

it's like yeah it was actually really difficult because you're working but you're not spending the whole time fucking are you not all the time what do you do

when you're not with us also like the Lazy P Ranch that was a total dos it was but yeah no it was but yeah no it was

all that steakhouse and tits yeah bag load of steakhouse and tits Amsterdam that was pretty low impact work wise it wasn't low impact she got drunk out of her mind

oh yeah you're right but she only wants a weekend away she's not even saying proper annual leave no a knock at her door brought Belinda back to the present

from when from like two days ago from whence she came No. A knock at her door brought Belinda back to the present. From when? From like two days ago. From whence she came? From 1066. Oh. Bella popped her head around, staring at her slightly askance. Oh, God.

Close the door. Close the door. Is askance a word? Let me see. Asconce? Asconce? Spell it. A-S-K-A-N-C-E.

I don't think it's even how you spell it. Here you go. Escanse. Escanse? Yeah, there you go. That's a word. Escanse. Brilliant.

You say escanse, I say escanse. It's not a, it's escanse. Escanse. Staring at her slightly, escanse. I've never heard that word in my life. That moment when Rocky knows more words than you. I know, don't. I daren't tease anything now.

What are you looking at? Said Belinda. Am I showing a tit? You should know. It's quite quick to check. It's quicker to check than to ask somebody else. No, have you never had a nip slip? Not that I have.

I haven't got a story here. Oh, I thought you were going to say you had a story about me. I was like, I don't remember. If I did, you didn't tell me. Bella laughed and said, Belinda, you that I have. I haven't got a story here. Oh, I thought you were going to say you had a story about me. I was like, I don't remember. If I did, you didn't tell me. Bella laughed and said, Belinda, you're the boss. It's all different now. You could sack me for disrespect or non-performance. There's so many other things she could also sack her for. Although those two things would be quite high on my list if I was sacking Bella.

I wonder what she's been doing for the last... When was the last time I saw her? Like a week ago? Trying to open a room with a keycard? Yeah, probably. She's probably just got a keycard. Trying to lick her elbow? Belinda, good news.

I've just started my email. I've got Outlook. Oh my God. Belinda laughed. Do you really not understand the job protection laws in this country? I mean, does anyone at Steeles? I was going to say gonna say oh now we're abiding by the law bill from hr certainly doesn't oh bill from hr he could have died and no one

would have noticed he's just been eaten by his dog honestly they'll be like what's that smell just flies all around his door they're like oh i guess like the air conditioning's broken or something do you really not understand the job protection laws in this country Do you really not understand the job protection laws in this country? Why, I'd have to give you a couple of verbal, that would be nice, and written warnings. Then you could take us to the industrial tribunal, where you'd get a couple of million pounds payout and we'd be forced to replace you with someone worse. What? Banter. Banter.

Why so much context on this? Is Rocky trying to cover himself for something? Also, if you get fired for non-performance, you don't get a million pound payout immediate yeah it's automatic oh really doesn't matter what the case is i didn't realize this was france i'm sorry but i have to go because it sounds like i could really easily make a million pounds she'll go and get fired jesus no my team is my team. As the old saying goes. My team is my team. Let's all get rich together. It's much more fun. No one's getting rich because they're not on commission, are they?

Aren't they on a salary? She's on a standard salary. Never said it's a travel perk. But did it say percentage? Bonus. I don't think it did. No, but she's building her clout within the company, I think. Also, she's doing such small deals. I mean, those 7,000 laugh-ons.

Honestly, it's genuinely pocket money. It's embarrassing. And, you know, she's giving away more than she's selling. But maybe Steels is a bespoke company, and it's literally... One for one. One for one. Well, like Madeline Chocolat, where she's making one chocolate bar for her, one chocolate bar for the next customer.

I mean, she hasn't even made up that 20,000 walks from the O2 yet. We're chapter 11 and she's sold 7,000. This book. No, didn't she flog a few more to Peter? That was two books ago though. Yeah, but it's still like this week, I think. It was still only two hours ago, so. Let's all get rich together.

It's much more fun. Speaking of fun oh god grinned Bella Hazel's transport facility is ready

it's all set for tomorrow lunchtime departing the Pentra Heathrow at 3.23pm what what it's leaving the Pentra

hang on there's a lot to unpack there Hazel's back so Hazel's transport facility and that's in quotation marks i don't know what that means hazel the co-pilot yeah what that's as far as i got apparently apparently they're still in contact with hazel apparently those are still in their

lives so bella says speaking of fun hazel's transport facility is ready it's all set up for tomorrow lunchtime departing the pentrara Heathrow at 3.23pm. You don't think it's a privately chartered flight, do you, that they've hired Hazel for? What, that departs from the Pentra? That literally takes off from the middle of the bar? Well, is that Heathrow? Yeah, fine.

Not accepting that. She's got this image that there's a runway in the middle of the bar. No, it's just Belinda's vagina. Oh, yeah. Belinda laughed. She always enjoyed Hazel's company, and her offer of taking the Glee team on a free flight for Giselle's hen do had been very kind.

When did that come? How did she know she was engaged? And also, when she says she always enjoys her company, that one time, like two times. No, they've met twice, to be fair. Yeah, so 100% of the time. Every time I've ever enjoyed a company. Fucking hell.

Also, what do you mean, how does she know that it's Giselle's hen do? How are they communicating? Is Belinda literally on the runway doing semaphore? No, but she's called her up and said it's Giselle's hen do. Since when? Why are you accepting this? Since when is Hazel such a massive part of our lives?

She doesn't have her number. How do you know? They didn't exchange numbers. Perhaps Hazel's watch is so big that you can see it anywhere. You can just find her on a satellite. It puts a bat signal in the sky. Yeah. So, so far, makes no sense, as usual.

Belinda left. She always enjoyed Hazel's company. And her offer of taking the Glee team on a free flight for Giselle's hen do had been very kind. Belinda's mind swivelled back to Madison Hatton. Swivelled? Belinda's head swivelled a full 360. Why does her memory act like a really old school carousel? You know, like slides from yesterday.

Yeah. What were they called? Slideshow. They're like the first movies they were. Oh, like in olden days. Let me Google it. Let me Google it. Yeah, you put your eye to it and it spun

and it was like the moving image. Yeah. Zoetrope. Oh, it was Zoetrope. It was on the tip of my tongue. Belinda's mind swivelled back to matters in hand. Bella, confirm Giselle only thinks we're having a few drinks at the Pentra tomorrow? Our normal weekly review sales meeting

Your favourite James Glutine time That we have every week apparently but we've never ever heard of it, yeah Oh so it's a surprise hen do Yeah, Giselle doesn't know The best kind So it's probably like a work hen do Because maybe they aren't really friends with her

You know, in like her real life Because Belinda is still quite new to the company to be fair So you think this is just going to be the glee team and then you know like in films when suddenly they have extras that work in the office we've never seen before you just dance in the background exactly and they're like sarah we're like who the fuck is sarah so mave is totally going oh mave is definitely making up numbers yes Belinda I can confirm that Bella and Belinda laughed oh good about what confirming the surprise days later days later the next day days later didn't she just say tomorrow oh yeah a day later okay dad's got confused it's like day brackets s like day days later. Like time later.

Bare time later. Days later, Belinda poured the first bottle of ice cold Australian Chardonnay into three glasses, which Paddy the barman had set down on their table. Hazel was due to arrive in 30 minutes and whisked them to her plane. To her plane. So she owns the plane now great the day that you graduate from pilot school

they give you the plane you get a private jet she is the P. Diddy of the aviation world she's a co-pilot she's not even a full pilot so days later

was actually just the next day great and so they're pouring wine three I guess one for each of the Glee team and then is it just them three is it just them just the next day. Great. And so they're pouring wine, three, I guess, one for each of the Glee team.

And then... Is it just them? Three, yeah. Oh, shit, is it just them? This is so sad. This is why I never want to get married. How sad is this? It'd be me, you and you. Awful.

Oh, God. Oh, God, the ultimate hag, dude. Thank you. Well, Giselle, I'm so impressed with you that Tony and I have decided to promote you to the key account manager for our new Russian interests.

Sorry, stop. Stop. Okay, time and a place. What the fuck? Two, another promotion. Is there no one else qualified to take these jobs? Are they just promoting, like, PAs and things? Well, to be fair, Giselle's had her eye on the MD job for quite a while, so... You can have your eye on whatever the fuck you want. It doesn't mean you get it. And that was within five years It's been two weeks But she's marrying Tony

That obviously gets you things It's cachet isn't it And she said that and then she's like And here's an inflatable doll with a penis on it We're going on a hen do That's what I mean it's not for now So she's going to be in charge of Kalansky No

Yeah so She says I'm so impressed with you that tony and i have decided to promote you as the key account manager for our new russian interests thanks to gregor kolansky's activities okay credit where credit's due i criticized how many pots and pans she'd sold yeah but she's expanding into new territories yeah she's creating new opportunities. She's making contacts work for her because I imagine Kalansky's actually spreading the good word and so she's not having to.

She's growing the business. This is what you're supposed to do. She's actually doing something. She's actually good at her job. She's actually... Well, I wouldn't go that far. A genius. Giselle screamed.

Screamed! she just couldn't believe it oh my god she couldn't believe it what a wondrous thing to happen oh it really is it's a miracle it's a Christmas miracle but couldn't she believe it she's fucking the boss yeah it must have been on her mind at least people are getting promotions left right and center if Bella's getting a promotion, you're thinking, I could possibly be in with a chance. Yeah, exactly. Bit of a smack in the face, actually, that Bella got that promotion first. Before, yeah. Yeah.

Thank you so much, Belinda. Just think of it. All three of us have had such life-changing promotions in the past few weeks. Good things come in threes. Something's happening. Like, there's thoughts. There's, like, things are actually kind of coming together. Good things come in threes.

I thought bad things came in threes. Celebrity deaths come in threes. I know that. Same thing. Same rule. Isn't it good things come to those who wait and none of them have waited? And bad things come in threes. He's just put the two together.

Yeah, it's a little amalgamation there. Oh, I'm so glad that Hazel's about to come and make it a foursome. They raise their chardonnay glasses as Hazel approached them. Not chardonnay glasses, just glasses. Also, did they just hold them in the air or did they actually chink them? They just kind of just... Aloft. Aloft. Well, apparently that's the more classy thing to do. Just raise them aloft. Oh, really? And actually chink them? They just kind of just... Aloft. Aloft.

Well, apparently that's the more classy thing to do, to just raise them aloft. Oh, really? And not clink them? Yeah, you shouldn't really clink. Because they might smash? Well, just because I think you've got really good glassware, you don't want to run the risk.

Oh, that's true. Oh, sure. They raised their Chardonnay glasses as Hazel approached their table, bang on time. Time for your trial flight, girls. Trial flight? Follow me. It's a trial flight.

A trial flight. Is that why they're getting it free? We've not used this plane before. They've not used Hazel before on her own. She's only ever code. It's like when you get someone who's training to do hairdressing, you get a really cheap haircut. Oh my God.

But you know it's going to be dog shit. And it takes two hours as well. So you come out and you're like, it looks awful and I've missed work. I look like Giselle. Post maze. Time for your trial flight, girls. Follow me. Giselle looked suspicious,

but Hazel's 30-year-old Jeep was parked outside. And the girls jumped manfully into it. It's a Jeep. Or are they driving to the plane? Yes. Right, sorry. It spluttered into. Or are they driving to the plane? Yes. Right, sorry. It spluttered into action and Hazel accelerated down the tarmac.

Oh, she's on... Sorry. Just dodging planes. Tarmac, not runway. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, but there's still planes everywhere, just like parking up and stuff. Depending on who you've flown with,

sometimes all of your luggage is just on the tarmac. Because flew with my family recently and they were like sorry the plane's full so some people are gonna actually have to check their bags when it was just hand luggage and then they just fling them out they don't they don't carry them it's spluttered into action and hazel accelerated down the tarmac five minutes later she pulled up beside a 1950s de haverland transport plane. What? Why is everything from the olden days? And what's de Havilland? Still sporting ex-military insignia.

Oh my. Is it an antique? It's the only one she could get her hands on, clearly. Has she dragged this out of a museum? It's a World War II plane. Is there room for them all? 1950s. No, but that's when it was last used.

But I'm sure it was used in the war. Can I Google a de Havilland plane? Yeah, please do. I think that's the make. So that's like, like it would be, you know how Rolls Royce makes planes? Right. Isn't de Havilland like the factory or whatever? I've just Googled a de Havilland transport plane. What?

Oh my. It's a Spitfire. It is Spitfire-esque. It's a biplane. Oh my god it's a Spitfire. It is Spitfire-esque. It's a biplane. Oh my God. She's not taking them up in that. Also, why is that allowed at Heathrow? Has nobody raised an eyebrow?

Hang on, you're right. It's probably like an ex-display plane. For sure. From like a museum. People pay money to go see that and then go to the gift shop. And they only go up for 20 minutes because that's all they can manage. It's a trial flight. A trial to see if they survive.

Hazel had managed to squeeze the glee team into the remaining free space of the cargo hold. Oh my God. They don't deserve anything more. Happy Hindu. Oh God, what luxury. I sometimes think that Belinda should travel a bit like a chihuahua. You know, when you take your like posh dog with you.

God, how the other half live, eh? The transport, well, it is a transport plane. This kind of makes sense a bit, actually. But surely there's more than one seat. Apparently not. This doesn't scream something she should be doing. This all sounds like she's breaking a lot of laws. But it's kind of like, you know, when you jump out of a plane.

I do. Yeah, you've done it, haven't you? I have. Yeah, you're kind of in the body of the plane. You weren't really in seats, as it were. No, you're not. So maybe it's kind of like that. That was quite embarrassing, though, because I was sick on him.

The guy, because you're attached to someone. Oh. So I was sick on him. And then when we landed in the field, then I passed out. It wasn't a huge success, but... Honestly. I did raise a lot of money for charity. I don't like to talk about it.

I remember. You can't travel with her in a car. She has to have her head out the window like a dog. She's like, can you put the window down? I'm like like to talk about it. I remember. You can't travel with her in a car. She has to, like, have her head out the window like a dog. She's like, can you put the window down? I'm like, it's minus 12. But yeah, sure.

Well, actually, you owe me for that because I only jumped out of that plane because you chickened out. That is true, James. It was supposed to be you. Because you were a pussy,

I had to jump out. And I sabotaged your parachute and everything. How James Godwin of you. I know. The transport plane was already full to the brim with the weekend

editions of The Guardian. So she's still... What? Oh yeah, because The Guardian gets delivered

in an ex-spitfire. Right, they just push it out the back of the plane while mid-flight. Like phone drop. It's not aid.

The transport plane was already full to the brim with weekend editions of The Guardian magazine. Oh, just the magazine? Just the magazine. The guide.

Just in the cellophane. Due for distribution throughout the Costa del Sol for Sunday morning. Fuck off. It's not even out on a Sunday. It's The Observer on a Sunday. Oh. Guardian weekends only have a Saturday, Rocky. Oh, I didn't know that.

So she's stolen a plane that's delivering The Guardian on the wrong day to the Costa del Sol. Maybe they just get it the day later because they're on a different time zone. Yeah, sometimes when you're in a foreign place they do get it. Oh, cause Costa del Sol. Cause Costa del Sol. Famously, news doesn't travel fast in the Costa del Sol. Apparently, good news and bad news travels really slow. guardian distribution center i imagine for most of their deliveries it has like lorries or vans or whatever yeah but then there's one 1950s transport plane. Does the Costa del Sol.

I just don't understand. Oh my God. Where has he got this from? Honestly. But don't, because someone's going to be like, no, it's real. I know, this probably happens. Probably. Probably because it's all of my dreams come true. Oh, God.

It's one of those did you knows. Did you know the Guardian distributes to Spain with an old war plane? On a Sunday. Why is it so specific? The girls manfully belted themselves into the netting down in the hull. At least they've got something to read on the way. Isn't the hull on a boat? Is it even on a plane?

Put on their helmets. Helmets! Oh, my God. With intercom and gripped the bottom of the bench seats in preparation for takeoff. So they have seats. It's like a fighter plane. Yeah. That's what I imagine.

Like, when you're going to jump out, you know, if you're in the, I don't know, RAF, I guess. My grandad was in the RAF. Oh, well, then this is all, I'm sure, factually accurate. Rocky knows what he's doing, clearly. I'm always going to appreciate getting the paper on holiday now. Honestly, he'll be like, I know how this got here. Think what it's been through. I know.

Two world wars, clearly. What a cost as well. They don't even mark it up that much. Yeah, the overhead's on that every week. Fucking hell, it must eat up fuel. Do you think she's going to be doing the loops and things? One of those like red arrow displays.

Like coloured smoke coming out the back. Spelling happy hen Giselle. Yes. Or just the glee team on tour. Oh man, alive. If I was Belinda,

I'd be like, this isn't quite what I imagined for my friend's glamorous weekend away. I would be over the moon. Well, Bella broke silence first.

Broke silence. Broke rank. What, like, they all said, they're like, who's going to say it first? What the fuck's going on? James. Oh.

What the fuck's going on? I mean, it's not a luxury learjet. I mean, I feel like I'm out of a scene from Where Eagles Dare. I'm sorry. It's her favourite film. One of my faves. I mean, I feel like I'm out of a scene from Where Eagles Dare. I'm sorry. It's her favourite film. One of my faves. And lastly,

where are the complimentary drinks and peanuts? Oh, not here. Oh, don't be such a pisshead, Bella. Pisshead. Giselle replied, it's only for ten minutes. It's a trial flight.

Get it? What? Where are they... Ten minute flight? Where are they going? No, because that's what they've told Giselle. That it's a trial flight? Yeah.

A trial flight for what? Like a trial flight. Does that make sense? Why they're in that kind of old plane? But what's a trial flight? You can do them for like 10, 15 minutes just to see what it's like. But actually she's going to the Costa del Sol to deliver the papers. Bella screamed.

Would everybody stop screaming? Bella screamed suddenly, real screaming? Bella screamed suddenly Realising the irony of the situation Giselle We're flying to southern Spain It's your hen do Next stop is the Torremolinos strip Oh god

They're going to fly that military plane Onto the strip I'm sure they'll land at Malaga airport. I'm sure they won't. Yeah, I wouldn't put it past him, Jesus. After that, anything can happen. Belinda screamed over the intercom. Would everybody stop screaming?

After that, we're going to do our paper round. Alice, it's the propellers. They must be really loud. Well, they've got the headsets on. Oh yeah, with intercom. With intercom, with full intercom. The glee team on tour crackled bella what can go wrong will go wrong that should be steel's motto that should be underneath stills pots and pans certainly bella's motto let's have coat of arms let's let's edit the headed notepaper shall we guys

giselle blinked oh okay i'm sure Do whatever you need to do The wheels touched Bounced And the heavy old plane Glided to safety Under the careful guidance Of one of the most proficient female pilots Britain had ever produced

Oh come on And don't add female It's so offensive She is famous throughout the land. She was doing really well because she was even on her period. So they've taken off and landed. I wanted to kind of hear what happened during that flight. If there's one flight I wanted to hear about, it was that one.

Someone was doing the quick crossword. Someone was manning the left gunner. The intercom spluttered into life. Welcome, static, static, static, to static. It says static, static, static. Welcome, static, static, static, to static. Stop redacting it, Rocky. What is static?

Oh, sorry. Welcome to Malaga. Hazel's Transportation Airline. Thank you for flying with us today. We know you have a choice. And we welcome you back with open arms in the future. We know you have a choice. What does that mean?

Is she doing a fake announcement? Like a fun fake announcement? It's like when Ryanair play a fanfare when they land. We landed. And that means they landed safely. On time. Safely and on time. Oh, brilliant.

I think it's just on time. They don't give a shit about it. Safely's rubbing it in, isn't it? Safety you kind of take for granted when you're flying. Exactly. What was the choice thing? We know you have a choice and welcome you back With open arms In the future As in you could have

Chosen another airline So thanks for choosing us A bit like when you Shout out the one world travellers Yes Hazel Transportation Airlines What could go wrong Will go wrong

Hazel Transportation Airlines You don't need both Hazel Transportation Or Hazel Airlines The Glee team cheered Woohoo Yeah Woohoo

Clapped. And stiffly lined up to descend the metal ladder which had been placed on the outside of the plane. The glamour never stops, does it? Where's that limo, Jesus? Well, maybe. Fifty minutes later, saw them start Giselle's hen do celebrations. Woo-hoo!

No, just me. Go. Premature. Pacey's help. It's going to be a long weekend. In the outside bar of the Imperial Hotel and

Sun Resort on the infamous Toromelinos Strip. Oh my god, everybody talks about the Toromelinos Strip. Oh, if I had a pound for every time

everybody had mentioned the Toromelinos Strip. Oh! When I was a kid, we used to, my mum just used to take us to all the like party places

for holidays. I'd be like 12 when we'd be in like Iron Apple. Magaluf. Magaluf. Cavos. We went to Cavos. Did you?

It's a shithole. Is it horrid? And especially when you're 12, you're like, what do I do here? Everyone is naked and kissing each other. Mummy,

why do those two men hug for so long? Why are those people hugging on the beach and shaking? Shaking! Is that where you learnt some of your tricks of the trade? No, famously not. I was a fat kid and also I was a kid. Mainly the first one.

It was a glorious break in the Spanish sun. Sounds awful. And everything was going to get hot, hot, hot. Well, at this time of year it is. It's lovely over there. I'd say it's unbearable at this time of year. Sounds awful. And everything was going to get hot, hot, hot. Well, at this time of year it is. It's lovely over there. I'd say it's unbearable at this time of year. Too hot. It's too hot, isn't it?

Their first waiter, Miguel. Oh, come on. Of course it is. We're going to get complaints about that, Rocky. Proved to be an excellent sounding board. Tall, thin, with an elegant black moustache. He was the perfect first target. It's Basil Fawlty.

It's Manuel. It's Manuel, actually. No, Tall. Tall, you see. Go on, Giselle, Bella whispered. Day to fucking first. Dare you. Poor Miguel. Also first.

First. They're all going to have a go. It's not day to fucking. It's day to be the first one to fuck him that's so gross you take him first first is the grimmest thing he's ever written actually that use of first

you warm him up oh my god Miguel is going to be broken Giselle rose to the occasion and Bella's dare by asking him to fondle her tits she's getting married it's a hen do this is hen do activity Jim

is it? free pass innit? no I don't know about that although it would be a bit more picky than Miguel the first man you come across efficient as ever he did immediately as you would

and quickly removed her bikini top does that make any sense? he did immediately and quickly removed her bikini top. Does that make any sense? He did immediately and quickly removed her bikini top. Oh, so he did quickly fondle. He did immediately. Fondle. And quickly removed her bikini top.

There you go. Massaging her supine nipples. Supine. Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful use of the word. Wonderful context. Wonderful hen do.

Well, we'll have to wait and see if it's a wonderful hen do because that's the end of the chapter. No! I've just had my first drink. We were just getting warmed up. God, I hope those guardians got delivered in the end. I'm actually panicking about it. So, Hazel's back in our lives. That's one of my major takeouts from this chapter.

Do you think she's like an honorary Glee team member now? I was going to say, is she on the hen do? I think she's hired help. Really? It's a bit rude to just be like, you just flew us here. You can go and sit and have a coffee somewhere. What, like a dad at a concert? Yeah.

I'll put you up in two days. God, I feel like they've only just got started and I'm worried about Miguel. I think it's going to be bear fuckery from the next chapter. Fuckery? What kind of fuckery is this? I don't know. I'm kind of in the mood for it now. He's kind of set quite a good tone.

Double whammy? Oh God, no. No. I need to go and put some tan on. Okay, I'm going to take bets. How many people is Giselle going to sleep with? Giselle? Okay.

Well, Miguel feels like he's in the bag. Definitely. So, ten? Okay, so Giselle okay well Miguel feels like he's in the bag definitely so ten okay so Giselle no not ten like four

I don't know I think maybe just Miguel okay just one for Giselle I think she's kind of an honourable girl what about Belinda oh

oh god well how many men are in Torremolina no forget men how many people are in Torremolina okay I'm just gonna put entirety of town the entire cast of Club Reps.

Let's put population. And Bella. Oh. Bella's probably going to ride to the next town over and fuck them too. Yeah, she'll cover some ground, won't she?

Yeah, it's going to be interesting, I think. I think also, let's not forget each other and Hazel. So it's not just going to be strangers. There will be some like intergroup activities.

Yeah, that's true. Oh God, I can hardly wait. What's the chapter called? The chapter is called Butch the Sunburnt Kid. Bravo. I don't want to read it. You can't top it.

That gives nothing away. I can't even... Well, sunburn. There's going to be sunburn involved. I know, but he's a kid. So I'm just like oh god what sights is he gonna see oh god it'll be like me and i was about to say it's so yeah tune in next week and find out in the meantime chat to us on twitter at dad wrote

porno you can go on instagram if you like the pictures it's at my dad wrote her we're on facebook as well just search my dad wrote a porno or email us my dad wrote porno at gmail.com and later this week we're getting on a plane ourselves hopefully it's a bit more modern and hopefully we will not be encountering the bees we're off to australia yeah and new zealand i love it and ps new zealand uh tick there are i mean most of it is sold out now but there are some tickets at some venues still available so get in there quick

it's going to be so fun we can't wait and we don't know when we'll be back so this is like our time to see you guys so if you are in Australia or you know somebody

in Australia that's a pervert this is their opportunity to be amongst friends it's going to be so good I can't wait can everyone stop screaming