My Dad Wrote A Porno - S3E12 - 'Butch The Sunburnt Kid'

Episode Date: August 14, 2017

Night descends on Giselle's hen do as the girls make one man's dreams come true in the Torremolinos marina Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno. The transport plane was already full to the brim with the weekend editions of The Guardian. The heavy old plane glided to safety under the careful guidance of one of the most proficient female pilots Britain had ever produced.

Oh, come on! Go on, Giselleelle Bella whispered Day to fucking first Dare you Poor Miguel Also first First They're all going to have a go

It's not day to fucking It's day to The first one to fucking Hello Balloon Girls Party Yeah Hello, Belinkas! Party! Yeah! Welcome to my dad-writer porno, The Hendoo. Oh my God.

A very exciting moment in these books. Great use of the penis straw there, James. Thank you, do you like my sash? Wonderful. That actually isn't a straw. Oh my! If you could just tuck that back where it belongs. I need Jim Sterling's surgeon.

So last week we started The Hend-do of all hen-do's. Giselle no surname. Soon to be Mrs. Tony no surname. Do you think she'll be double barrel no surname? Giselle no surname, no surname. Giselle blank hyphen blank. So progressive. They are the sunny and share of Steel's Pots and Pans. But anyway, they're in Torremolinos. They are the Sonny and Cher of Steel's

Pots and Pants. But anyway, they're in Torremolinos. They got there safely. Oh, they're on the strip. Which is all that matters and they've just been entertained by their waiter.

Manuel. Miguel. Miguel, sorry. James, that's so stereotypical. You should feel awful. And it's not even been night time yet.

Imagine when the sun goes down, what they're going to get to. By the cover of darkness. Absolute filth that is going to go down. You there's like 10 shots on a train things like that the jugs of cocktails all the girls that have them in them water pistols and holsters yes yes thing is though bear in mind this is from my dad's brain he's never been on any of those holidays never watched any of those tv shows i think it's going to be more sedate than we're maybe hoping for oh of course so it's going to be a little bit archaic perhaps yeah 80s package holiday thing

yeah it'll be like shit evening entertainment like a flamenco dancer oh yeah spanish guitar the only ever package holiday that we went on as a family we saw the drifters live in mallorca what a coup which! Which was amazing, by the way. What do they sing? Under the boardwalk. Oh my God! That's good evening entertainment. Yeah, and they sang

You're more than a number in my little red book. Oh my God. I heard the neon lights are bright on Broadway. These are album tracks. In Tenerife, we had an elderly woman teaching us Saturday Night

by Wigfield. Do you know the dance? Oh, no. Every night. And you've carried those dance moves all the way to London. Honestly, it's a good pulling technique.

But yeah, every night, they play Saturday Night by Wigfield and just teach you the Wigfield dance. It doesn't take a whole night. For international listeners,

I mean, it's like, it's a sort of cheap Macarena, isn't it? Didn't you have like a towel on her head? Yeah, she was mid getting ready in the video. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was that and Macarena.

You know, all those dances where it's like very hand, very basic. All the things that you dance to at a roller disco. Oh, for sure. Do you know what I mean? It was that era, wasn't it? Get the dry ice on. I'm ready. Slap the sun cream on.

Yeah, I'm ready, but I just don't know what to expect. Now that you've said that about it being through the flintstone lens i'm i'm a bit confused yeah yeah okay only one way to find out oh god belinda blink three chapter 12 butch the sunburnt kid The girls got pissed. I bet they bloody did. Extremely quickly. On cheap, cold, green, green Spanish wine from Galatia. Now, green wine is a thing. Apparently so.

We should note that. And I actually have had it in Portugal, so I should have known that. It's quite nice. Not the shit they'll be drinking, but yeah, you can get nice stuff. Honestly, one euro bottle or something. With a straw. The relentless hot poolside sun beat down on them as Miguel, their waiter, got them in the mood to party.

So that's the sun poolside being very different to the other sun. God, that unbearable poolside sun. Do you know what, actually, the sun reflects on the water and it actually burns you quicker, so. Yeah, apparently when you're in the sea and stuff, it burns you. Because of the refraction. Because of the refraction. Oh, God.

Here comes the science part. Refraction and reflection. Put on your sun cream, kids. Jamie, because you don't. I'm so sunburned at the minute. Look, I was a pink. I look like Andy Milston. You really do.

Miguel, their waiter, got them in the mood to party by subtly exposing their tits. He just opened their bikini tops for them. Subtly so, yeah. The way you'd push aside a curtain to just let a little shaft of light in. Or a commuter on the tube, you know, just gently push them to one side. What do you do to commuters on the tube? Apparently exposes their nipples subtly. Please stop.

Most of you who are listening on the tube right now, expose your nipples. No, don't, please. Wait for someone to expose them. That is etiquette. God, it's like an 18 to 30 holiday, isn't it? That's what it's going to be like. And Belinda's scraping 30, so she's still qualified. Oh, it's her last chance.

The last hurrah. Careful, because some of us are scraping the wrong side of 30. Hang on. I'm nearly 40. Oh, yeah, fair point. Can any of us do an 18 to... Well, I can.

Oh, no, only me can do an 18 to 30. Oh, funny that. You worked that out as you were saying it. No, because it's just been your birthday, in my defence. I thought that maybe we could go together, Al, but unfortunately... I don't think it includes 30. I thought that maybe we could go together, Albert, unfortunately. I don't think it includes 30.

I think it's under 30. Sorry, Jamie. 18 to 30. Non-inclusive is the full title. You don't want to go to a club 18 to 30. No, I don't. It's the sort of thing that I kind of want to do now, but when I get there, I'll hate it. Those club reps, they probably feed into the pots and pans industry

because they are rabid, aren't they? They are. Famously, what you do after club repping is moving to the pots and pans industry sales department specifically yeah yeah they're maven reception as if may you she was one little may he was once an 18 to 30 club right you know it shouldn't last very long though did she unfortunately he turned out to be their first damp squib of the evening. Oh, God. He's a red herring. He's not interested.

And what's their definition of a damp squib? Someone who doesn't put out. Oh, simply not interested. They're like, damp squib next. He's boring. The waiter just wasn't allowed to go lower than their navels. It's a rule. You cannot go lower than the navel of a customer.

Is that a rule? That is a rule. It's written in the handbook of waiters you used to work in a supermarket was it the same yeah famously we were told do not go lower than the navel honestly i wouldn't want to go lower than the navel of most of the customers it was a right motley crew you two are mocking but hotel policy and all that oh i'm sure i'm sure it's written up. He expanded by saying they hadn't received the training required. Oh, well, quite. I love the idea that they're like,

Miguel, where were you in the fingering masterclass? It's really important if you want to progress in the company. And Phil, like, frigging was on Monday, so... Frigging! Literally never heard you say frigging before. Don't say it again. I actually heard somebody say it today and I thought,

note to self, I'm going to try and use that. Frigging. He tried to explain to them that the company had slated training courses for later in the year, but alas, due to budget cuts, even they were not assured. Honestly, Cunning Lingus is the first thing to go. They're like, we would love to, but I'm sorry. We only run two courses a year and you've missed the spring one, sorry.

To be fair, do you know what? On an 18 to 30, it probably is in their handbook. Oh God. Don't call it a handbook. Sorry, it is in their fist book. Oh no. Disappointed, the four girls downed their wine and moved out onto the strip. Are you joking?

They didn't give it much time, did they? Like, they were like, this is a dead end. Off we pop. I kind of respect that. You know, brick wall, move on. You know if the atmosphere's not there in a bar, don't you? Exactly. Remind me who's there.

So it's Hazel, Belinda, Giselle and Bella. Correct. No Maeve, which is a disappointment. Kind of inter-office bullying. Don't, because really they should have invited it. I suppose somebody has to hold the fort. Well, so she started that week. I think it's fine.

She wouldn't expect an invitation. Hazel expected an invitation. God, they're like the Sex and the City girls, aren't they? Belinda Samantha. Do you think they're wearing very elaborate caftans? Big sunglasses. Beaded hats. They were so pissed.

They didn't care that large portions of their tits were now on show. Large portions? Like it's a slice of tit? A portion. Oh, God. Like, you know, like a ribeye steak? Yeah. A family bucket of tit.

Yum, yum. We're the Glee team. Come and get us. Was their drunken mantra. They chant it as four should we try now you would get noticed with that i think the bloody spanish tourist board gurgled hazel should pay for their fucking training so so to speak. Hazel, not now. You're being that drunk, loutish person who doesn't know what they're talking about. Not to mention the definition of a plus one.

Oh. Not really supposed to be there. Keep your mouth shut. Yeah, they're all like, who invited Hazel? Honestly, why is she wanging on about the tourist board? Embarrassed. If she didn't have to fly us home, she'd so be ditched in the sea. Ditched in the sea.

He'd kill her. Not kill her, but just, you know. But just like get in the sea. Just in the sea he'd kill her not kill her but just you know but just like get in the sea just get rid of her you know should she really be getting this pissed this quick if she's going to fly them back

I presume they're there for a couple of days yeah really well I'm just assuming they've flown on a Friday and come back on a Sunday did they fly on the Friday

I mean that's what James assumes that's the classic James long weekend getaway he's done it before he'll do it again what I'd do is leave the Friday morning give myself a chance

to have breakfast I'd have a leisurely biplane flight over to Toronto. James loves a breakfast in the airport. You bloody. That's your best bit of the holiday. I like to just feel like you're doing something special. So I have a fry up. And you know, you get those stupid little knives

that are like rounded and you can't really cut with them. It just feels all, you know, it's exciting. You do get really into it. And getting all your little miniatures. You have a drink on the plane, even though you don't really want one. Oh no it's too early but you're like yeah red wine oh neck it red wine at 6am thank you yes chirped in giselle you hazel as an official airline should lodge a bloody complaint tell them they'll have no sunday newspapers if they continue to piss you off this is such a dead-end storyline can we just move on also famously a saturday paper you're very right

the glee team laughed in unison awkward laugh fuck off hazel get in the sea the glee team laughed in unison and soon spotted some red umbrellas overlooking the marina offering brief respite from the sun and dived under them. It's the evening. The sun is going down. Also, that sounds quite nice.

Quite classy. A marina. This sounds right on my street, actually, because you know that I jump from shade to shade. Get some Gambas Pilpil, you know. Oh, lovely. Great time had by all. Spot of sangria? I love sangria, but that cheap stuff in, you know. Oh, lovely. Great time had by all. Spot of sangria.

I love sangria, but that cheap stuff in the plastic bottle. Oh, yeah. Oh, lovely. Just sugar. But you just put some fruit in it and some ice and it feels classy. Yeah. Story of your life. You've got to put ice in everything.

Put some fruit and ice in it, it looks dead classy. Quattro gin and tonics, por favor. Oh, God. This is accurate though, isn't it? This is every Brit on any European coastal holiday. Yeah. Four in Spanish, gin and tonic in English. Por favor in Spanish again.

Yeah. Who said it? Cuatro gin and tonics, por favor, shouted Belinda. Oh, she's so cultured and multilingual. That's why she got the job. To the bemused waiter. Bemused. Come on, you got that one.

Who came to serve them, slowly cocking an eyelid of their state of undress. Cocking an eyelid? Cocking an eyelid. I wasn't sure if I heard that correctly. He's tired, he's overworked. It really is. Yeah, because he's bemused.

He came over to serve them, slowly cocking an eyelid at their state of undress for so early in the evening so they've they've walked down the street with their boobs out and four cocos before cocos cocos does that mean cock shouted bella not to be outdone is that coke coca-cola i've no idea cocos how? How are you spelling that? C-O-C-K. Yeah. Cock. Oh.

Cocos. A coco. Cocos. Does she just want four penises? Well, Alice, she knew she needed to improve her Spanish, as Jim did a lot of business in Mexico. Cocos! So when you try it, it's like, what? Cocos.

So what is a coco? Well, they've already ordered drinks, so it can't be more drinks four cocos imitated giselle bella what are you trying to say are you just pissed she's pissed and it's bella and this is belinda blinked and this is exposition bella stuck her tongue out at her fellow key account sales manager and thoughtfully... Or friend. No. Dear friend on a hen do.

And thoughtfully drank up her drink. Watching the girls from a strategic position on a nearby large black motor yacht. Motor yacht? What's a motor yacht? It's unlike a rowing yacht, which you use manual paddles for. Was a youngish,

but suave, heavily sun-kissed Swedish gent drinking a stein of Skoll lager. What? Skoll? What's happening? Isn't Skoll like the shittest lager of all?

It was always cool in films though because it had that pop-locked top. Or was that a grolsh? That's a grolsh. That's what you're thinking of there. Oh, it's a grolsh. Skull's like. Skull's really old. Yeah.

Oh, is it the pits? Oh, it's the pits. Dad still has tankards of skull. Oh, there you go. That's where we got it from. So we've got a Swede. Is that our first Swede? Yeah.

They're very handsome, the Scandinavians, aren't they? Oh, fit. Good looking race. Bloody gorgeous. Faf. Sorry? Fit as fuck. Oh, sure.

He openly laughed at the antics of the ageing women. Ageing! What a bitch! That is not going to go down well. How youngish is he? Some of them are mid-twenties, aren't they? She sounds like 24 to 26 as she said before. Oh my God.

He openly laughed at the antics of the ageing women in front of him and started to make comments in English about their inability to hold alcohol. To himself? Is he just on his own going like, Oh, the alcohol tolerances are not good. That woman is so fierce. I really wouldn't imagine that she'll last much longer. They are way too old to be drinking this way.

Why are their boobs out? It didn't take Belinda long to pick up his running commentary on their party. And she said, Hey guys, we've got an admirer. She's quite drunk, isn't she? I Hey guys, we've got an admirer. She's quite drunk, isn't she? I don't know if he's an admirer. He's more of an observer. That's a very optimistic spin she's put on it.

He's heckling them. He's a witness. To debauchery. Hey guys, we've got an admirer. Look behind you. It's Butch Cassidy, the sunburnedburned kid oh no that is such a shit joke it's so bad but also it's gonna get aggressive isn't it like i can feel like she's got it in her to have a fight she's gonna have a massive row she's gonna have a barney oh she's gonna be

so british on this trip oh god uh are they gonna end up in a spanish police cell so good alice the glee in your eyes oh can you imagine although sometimes like in films and stuff when two people have an argument and then they're like they're so like het up they just kiss maybe it's gonna be like that because love and hate james they're very close those emotions it's a fine line. Giselle, Bella and Hazel turned as one and immediately spotted Belinda's witty target. Witty. Nobody in this equation is witty, okay? Also, it's kind of Rocky calling himself witty.

It really is. It kind of is. What a wit that Belinda was when I give her all those words to say. Who is doing this dialogue? It is off the chain. Butch, the beautiful sunburnt kid. We're really stretching this analogy. She can add a word every time.

Went even redder than his wicked suntan would allow him. Sunburn. It's not suntan. Is he tanned, burnt, frazzled, blushing? We don't know, do we? Giselle virtually swooned under the hot sunshine and slid gently off her chair. What?

Just fell to the floor. Dove. Onto the pavement. What? She fell off her chair. Within a flash, Butch had jumped ashore, caught Giselle in his arms. Oh, come on.

No. And gently sat down with her ensconced on his lap. Oh, that's bullshit. What, has he fucking got super speed? Is he Superman? Jesus. And also, how sweaty is she that she's like sliding off a chair? Bella winked at Belinda and Hazel and moved her chair closer to butch and giselle butch in an act of friendship friendship already put his hand around bella's neck

what a weird friendship move and began to slowly throttle her and started to massage her shoulders it would be a friendship move for us if he did away with Bella. So he's got Giselle on his lap, Bella like licking his arm or whatever and he's massaging Belinda. No, he's massaging Bella. Bella, yeah.

Who's next? Bella immediately ripped her bikini top away from her tits. It's a lot of tits. It's a lot of tits. It's a bag load of tits.

Butch dropped his hands and turned redder still. What? He's going to explode. He dropped his hands? Yeah. From her? Yeah.

He's repulsed? I don't know. Does he recognise her? Is he embarrassed? What's wrong, playboy? Playboy? I've made so many assumptions about this poor man. A, that his name's Butch.

That's not been verified. B, that he's some sort of playboy on a motor yacht. Well, to be fair, if he's on a yacht, he's kind of a playboy. But I'm just imagining like a dinghy with an engine at the moment. Oh no, I'm thinking in well glam. Like a super yacht. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a motor yacht, James.

It's got an engine and everything. Duh. What's wrong, playboy? Screech the piss as a duck, Bella. Duck! Are they the drunkest of all the avian varieties? You've never seen them in the park, just like falling about. You're right.

Actually, sometimes their heads are under the water and their tushes are in the air. Honestly, just yelling. My God, she is a duck. She is a duck, isn't she? She's such a duck. She's got duck lips, I bet. Oh, yeah. She'll have had the fillers. Yeah, too much as well.

So many assumptions. Like, you were just saying assumptions about Butch. What's wrong, Playboy? Screeched the pissed as a duck Bella as she grabbed... As a duck, sorry. That's too great. As she grabbed his yacht shorts bullseye. I'm sorry, what?

Yacht shorts bullseye. What does that mean? I've no idea. Well, then don't have such a serious face on. Yacht shorts bullseye. Can we move on? I'm just so confused. Yacht shorts bullseye.

How many times are... I'm just glad that I got through the line. And you're then questioning it. I'm like, no, no, that's exactly what it said. I'm just proud of myself. Is that the end of the sentence? As she grabbed his yacht shorts bullseye full stop. So that's the bit of, I guess...

His penis. Yeah. Within the yacht shorts. Yeah, within the yacht shorts. Oh, right. I see. It's the bullseye. It's the money shot.

Hang on. Butch fell backwards, looking embarrassed. What's happening? Uh-oh. Belinda surveyed him over the salt rim of a margarita. Belinda's just sat there drinking. You girls get on with it.

Fucking lunatics. Over the salt rim. That's the only way I want to observe stuff. Also how big is the glass? I imagine it's like as big as the table. Mixing bowl. I see you. I see you little boy she slurred oh butch looked into her understanding pardon looked into her understanding but she looked into her comma understanding no but she looked into her understanding

oh god don't look up there. Don't look into my understanding. I see you, little boy. She sounds like the Grand High Witch again. Remember? A gnarled finger pointing at my mansion. I see you, little boy. I see you, little boy.

She slurred. Butch looked into her understanding. I want to put something in that understanding already. You do? Of course. Even I was a virgin once. Oh, he's never, he's never. He's never had the pleasure of the understanding.

He doesn't understand the understanding. Oh, this is interesting. Is this our first virgin? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I can't wait to see with what sensitivity Rocky handles this issue. I imagine a reverent silence will now descend on the table. I can only expect the best from him.

Honestly, this is going to be so deftly handled. Even I was a virgin once. Next sentence. He was no longer a virgin. Next sentence. Bella's mouth had fallen onto the patterned plastic tablecloth. What? What was going on?

Is she chewing the tablecloth? She's gnawing on it. I think it's time for bed. I think it's metaphorical. I think she's metaphorical i think she's just shocked oh i see her jaw fell to the table are you sure because she's pretty pissed i can imagine her being like there's strawberries printed on that i want to get a cabal i genuinely thought that she was just like in a pool of her own sick. Oh, God. Bella's mouth had fallen onto the patterned plastic tablecloth. What was going on? Oh, madam, thank you.

You see, I'm here in Spain to get myself a couple of women who can teach me the ropes of standard sex. Standard sex? How do you say standard sex? Straight up, straight down. Standard sex for me. Hazel laughed and said... Oh, she's still fucking there.

I thought she was in the sea. I thought Hazel was on her next delivery. Standard sex? Standard sex with us lot? Butch, you are joking. Seriously, Butch, move on. Like, go somewhere else. Save yourself and save yourself.

Giselle stumbled to her feet, saying breathlessly, take me inside your yacht, young man, and I'll give your cock the engagement of its life. Engagement, like an Instagram post. It's had such great engagement, guys. It had a thousand likes. Giselle was on the floor then. I thought she was on his knee.

She was in sconce. No, he's moved back, hasn't he? Because he's embarrassed. He's scuttled back. James, you've got to keep on top of this. He's redder than the Afghan sun. Giselle's getting married. What's she doing?

But this is her last huzzah, no? It's a hen do. Everyone knows, James, you're allowed to shag on your hen do. Yeah. Belinda blinked. She knows. She's got incredible foresight

hasn't she about some things yeah she's just got a sixth sexual sense a sex sense exchange the I with an E and you've got Belinda's mantra

she doesn't see dead people I see virgins everywhere Butch handed out the cocktails as the four girls were like oh

are they on the boat I think we may have got to the boat we're on the boat oh I think we may have got to the boat. We're on the boat. Oh, my. He's got super speed. He's like... He's incredible.

Butch handed out the cocktails as the four girls relaxed in the open cabin, taking in the sparkling sea view. Oh, it'd be lovely, wouldn't it? At night. It's like seven o'clock. Oh, okay. I don't think the sun goes down here. Are they on the, like, fucking equator?

Guys, the lights from the mainland are glittering on the water. Oh, okay, okay. So you can both get off your, like, sass high horses. So what, it is night time? I don't know. Okay, James, I don't know what time it is or what day it is, okay? And neither does Rocky, so just get off his case. By now, they had all undressed.

Oh, well, mention that. He just did, to be fair. Oh, my God. This is the bit not to skip. I don't care if they've ordered G&Ts. He's probably not a virgin anymore. We'd probably just skip that. Precisely, honestly.

By now, they had all undressed and were waiting to induct their host into whichever sex game he desired. That's not standard sex, then, a sex game. It's not really, is it? Does he get an option, then? Are they like, option one? Standard sex, just in and out. Option two.

Standard sex times two, in, out, in, out. Number three, up the bum. That would be an amazing first sexual encounter, though, for women. I don't know, I think it would be overwhelming. Yeah, but, like, amazing. He's going to spaff in his pants within three seconds. Oh, my God, yeah. encounter though four women I don't know I think it would be overwhelming yeah but like amazing he's gonna spaff in his pants within three seconds oh yeah but then he can

kind of you know train himself up throughout the evening how fast do you think that happens last longer each time Alice come on yeah but like I mean

like two seconds longer the only standard sex that he's had is with his hand so like now this is gonna be a lot for him to take on board he's a young virile swede he'll be fine he's so is with his hand so like now this is going to be a lot for him to take on board he's a young virile swede he'll be fine he's so suave you're right he'll be fine and he's

slightly sunburned so he's gonna take his mind off the ejaculation so painful yeah exactly makes him last longer distracted by the pain oh perfect butch sat down between Bella and Hazel. Interesting choice. Continuing where he had left off, but with more abandon. With more straight abandon. True to her word, Giselle took up her position and slowly pulled down his white yachting shorts with a nice piece of gold trim around the legs. Real gold as well. They're posh.

What's a yachting short short i guess just like a tailored white short oh like not like one with netting inside no like a board short exactly as much as kind of like maybe linen you know quite good quality yeah nice she tossed them aside and got stuck into butch's now randy penis randy penis the The penis is randy. The penis has got a brain. I mean, I was joking earlier. Is it legit to shag a virgin on your hen do? Now I feel eggy about it. Yeah, I don't know.

Now we're in it. Now you're there. Second thoughts. Yeah, I really am having... It's the classic second thoughts. Cold feet. Cold feet for me. Alice, we've got this far.

What are we? Book three, chapter 11. You might as well keep going. Yeah, fair do's. Belinda observed all the action and wondered where she could pull her weight so to speak since when is she such a quiet background observer i think she's been quite nice because it's giselle's henry's her weekend she's kind of

the matriarch of the weekend she's facilitating yeah so she's like basically overseeing and she's like this is the weekend when I can not worry about my pleasure this is about whatever Giselle wants exactly and she wanted some R&R didn't she she said that before

oh yeah last chapter she was like I just need a rest when was the last time she had sex yesterday oh shock okay good

oh she must be revitalised honestly she's regenerated since then moments later she was spread-eagled under her students feet using his toes

to stimulate her clit oh be careful what you ask for where can I pull my weight by the toes

so much for the R&R then so much for just being the observer of the weekend yeah shit toe in the vag toe in the vag

that's not a good look if he can't use his penis yet he can't use his toes that's advanced isn't it really is yeah to master the big toe that's weeks of preparation surely it's like karate kid toe on toe off toe on toe off belinda started to climax but she was cut short by Butch standing up. Oh. I thought he was stood up. How it pops. No, I think he stands up.

Physically stands up. What, and stands on her vagina? No, just gets up. Stands up. Yeah, but then the toe's going to have to come out. Okay, retracts the toe then stands up.

That's the point. That's why I said... I'm sorry. I just can't in public. Come on. They're on the boat. Shag. Maybe four's too much of an audience. I don can't in public. They're on the boat. Jag. Maybe four is too much of an audience.

I don't know. But they are also in the marina, actually. It's not out to sea, are they? Yeah, but you can close the curtains and things. They're in the open cabin. They're on top deck. What do you mean? This is a fivesomes dream.

A fivesomes dream. Just rolls off the tongue. Per Giselle. Fivesome's dream. A fivesome's dream. Just rolls off the tongue. Per Giselle. Fivesome's dream. Only one of us can claim his cherry. Oh, God. So, your dad just said, claim his cherry. Oh, God.

Do you know what it makes me think of? That bit in The Lord of the Rings. If you want him, come and claim him. If you want his cherry him come and claim him if you want his cherry come and claim it only one of us can claim his cherry said belinda knowingly as she pushed the swede onto a cushioned sofa what butch or just a swede a A rounded turnip thrown onto a cashmere sofa. Dinner was served. The glee team held a quick conference in the bridge.

Oh wow, this is sexy. At the bridge. They've literally taken it to the bridge. Oh my God. Take it to the bridge. The glee team held a quick conference in the bridge. Bella had found the captain's hat. Of course she had.

So easily distracted, like something glittery. She's like, oh, great. Bella had found the captain's hat and was manhandling the spokes of the steering wheel. She's going to crash the motor yacht, isn't she? She's in a marina. It's not even being driven. She's just bashing it against the boats that are either side.

She's like, doof, doof, doof. Belinda, I'm a captain. he's like belinda i'm a captain it's like no dear well i think giselle should pick his flower said oh my god is he getting all these phrases stop it pop his cherry pick his flower pick his flower pluck his turkey oh my god. Peely swede. Mashes turnip. Harvest his Brussels sprout. It's not right. Well, I think Giselle should pick his flower, said Belinda. She's the clucky hen after all.

Doesn't clucky hen mean wanting a baby? Oh, does it? Doesn't it mean you're broody? Oh god, she can't get pregnant by a virgin on a hen do Oh Agreed Agreed

Agreed Is that Bella? That's Bella I thought so I'd know her anywhere When they re-entered the cabin An informed butch of his sex mistress They were shocked

They were shocked? No Oh I want that one I want that one. I want that one. I mean, surely they've learned each other's names by now. What a romantic evening this is turning into. He just had his toes up Belinda.

His pudgy finger pointed... At Belinda. At... Hazel. Bella. Belinda. Oh, they all want the Blumenthal. She shrugged at Giselle.

Hate to pull rank, but it's Virgin's Choice. Virgin's Choice? Is that a brand of sausages? I love those Virgin's Choice cumberlands. She shrugged at Giselle. Hate to pull rank, but it's Virgin's Choice. As Butch the sunburnt kid. Stop calling him that.

Not his name. Guided Belinda up a staircase. Oh. Fondling her naked ass. So he's behind her and he's like... Pushing her up. Helping her up the stairs. Giselle, though clearly put out, smiled at her new boss.

She understood. And now you mention it. Tony would probably prefer it if she abstained from young flesh before the wedding. Probably. Yeah, probably. That's probably a great answer.

After the wedding, fine. Before the wedding. Yeah. It's a no-no. After the wedding, yeah, sure. It's a fair game. That's what marriage is about, surely. At the top of the heavily varnished

wooden staircase Don't care. he muttered I like you very much as you are. Wow, what a beautiful sentiment. I like you as you are. That's actually stolen from Bridget Jones. Is it?

It's a whole bit about like, I like you just as you are. Do you think he saw it? It's often on ITV2. Probably. Subliminally it's in there. It's gone in. Belinda turned around and kissed Butch on the cheek. Why, Belinda, he retorted.

I can do so much better than that. I thought he was going to say, but you. You really are the pits. You'll do. I could do better, but there's nothing else. You're shit, but you're better than your friends. Have you been to Torremolinos? Slim pickings, as we say nothing else. You're shit, but you're better than your friends. Have you been to Tormelina's? Slim pickings, as we say in Sweden.

Why, Belinda, I can do much better than that. As he maneuvered her onto a white leather bench seat. If bench seats could talk. Within seconds, he had Belinda's legs wide apart. And he placed his nervous cock. Oh, God. Into her pinky. Oh!

Into the pinky! I can't look at either of you. Oh, my God. It's gone from her understanding to her pinky. No! Into the pinky. This little pinky went to Mark. Oh my God.

This little pinky should have stayed at home. Belinda moaned in pleasure, taking the odd moment to direct the kid's actions. The kid! Don't call him the kid. Much like a driving instructor on a busy A-road. Fifth gear, fifth gear.

Clutch! Watch the pedestrian! Once his penis was safely inside Belinda's labia. Safely! Wow. You're now safe. Docking complete. Does she treat it like a safe?

For all your valuables? Your worldly possessions. Yeah, exactly, your cash. Once his penis was safely inside Belinda's vault, sorry, labia, he started to gently thrust and took the opportunity to make some small talk. Oh, brilliant, great time.

So how are you? Also, you know he's just going to get too excited too quick and go a bit too quickly. What do you do for a job, Belinda? Oh, come on. Thrust. Thrust. I'm an international sales director for a pots and pans company.

Thrust. International thrust. Oh, God. That's interesting. Thrust. Can I have some work experience? Oh! Thrust.

Sorry? Thrust. No, you fucking can't. Thrust. I've got to go. Thrust. Belinda blinked. Thrust.

Thrust. Belinda blinked. Thrush. And that is the end of the chapter. Oh, thrust. I have to get out of this room. What a palaver. But do you know what?

We've experienced someone losing his cherry and that's a beautiful thing. I'm glad we could be here for it. Oh my God. What was it? Popping the flower? Picking the flower. Picking the flower.

Popping the cherry. Picking that daisy. And getting in the pinky. Oh, for it. Oh my God. What was it? Popping the flower. Picking the flower. Picking the flower. Popping the cherry. Picking that daisy. And getting in the pinky. The pinky. In the pinky. Horrible. Well, Giselle's hen do had nothing to do with Giselle, so. Honestly, that selflessness was phased out quite quickly, wasn't it?

Your day, princess. My day now. Okay, so you had your time. I'll take the virgin on. Dare we ask what the next chapter's called? Hmm. The next chapter is called... It's a curveball. The question is, are we ask what the next chapter's called? Mmm The next chapter is called It's a curveball

Question is, are we still on the hen do? A schweinsteiger afternoon Sorry? Excuse me, what? A schweinsteiger afternoon A schweinsteiger afternoon Anyone? I haven't got a clue

Schweinsteiger Do you know what that means? No Good, okay great Let's find out. Shall we? Next week. Next week.

In the meantime, please do get in touch on Twitter at Dad Wrote a Porno. Email us, mydadwroteporno at gmail.com and we're on Facebook. Instagram is at mydadwrota. And please check out our website, mydadwroteporno.com. Yeah, it's got all our live dates on there, loads of merchandise, and of course a link to the hallowed text. You can buy Belinda Blink 3 on Amazon. But do not read ahead. No, read along. Read along.

So, Thrust. See you for Porno Day. Thrust. Next Monday. Thrust!