My Dad Wrote A Porno - S3E13 - 'A Schweinsteiger Afternoon'

Episode Date: August 21, 2017

Belinda delves deeper into the business side of Steeles with the help of her trusty RSM, Des Martin Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno We're the Glee team. Come and get us. With their drunken mantra. I'm here in Spain to get myself a couple of women who can teach me the ropes of standard sex. Standard sex? How you say standard sex? He placed his nervous cock. Oh, God.

Into her pinky. Into the pinky. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno, James Cooper. How's it going? I'm good. I can't believe we're three apps from the end. I know, quite emotional, Alice. Don't sound so excited. Yes, also thrilled that it's nearly over. I think we all are, Should we all hold hands? What a lovely autumn it's going to be. Free from porn.

You say that, but I feel like there's always porn on the horizon with Rocky. Yeah. I forgot what this chapter's called, but I remember thinking I had no idea what it was about. Yes, the chapter's called A Schweinsteiger Afternoon. James, what do you mean? Why do you understand what that means? I'm just going to Google what a Schweinsteiger is. Sounds German.

Ah, maybe Mr. Block is back. I can't do these accents. You can do German. I can't do German. That's quite good, actually. Okay, I'll use that. Let's hope it says I can't do German in the dialogue. The only dialogue that there is.

I've just Googled Schweinsteiger. All that's coming up is Bastian Schweinsteiger, who's a German professional footballer. Cool. Who plays for Chicago Fire. A right-footed player, he usually plays a central midfielder. I don't know what that means. I literally...

That makes as much sense as a Rocky chapter. It really does. Do we think it could be about him? He might have seen, this is kind of how it works with him. He might have seen on the sports pages that name flash up and he's stolen it. Because all sorts of places that he gets his inspiration. Because the Chicago Fire are often on the back pages that name flash up and he's stolen it because all sorts of places that he gets his inspiration because the Chicago fire are often on the back pages

of National Press well I can't say I'm looking at the sports pages very often are we still on the hen do that's the question I would imagine not I feel like a Schweinsteiger

afternoon hasn't got much to do with Butch the sunburnt kid but maybe I'm wrong well should we plough on should we find out because I think guesswork is not going to be our friend here it's never served as well in the past has it no one saw the hen do

coming that's for sure i still think about that spitfire it's not a spitfire what is it the de haverland transport plane precisely yes i think about it often almost makes me want to just go to the costa del sol to find out if they really do deliver guardians on a sunday on a fact-finding mission on an official english fact-finding tour the thing about that was that that they were the saturday edition of the guardian being delivered on the sunday but being put in the plane on the friday so unprinted so god knows what they've been unless they like new news story a day in advance how did we not pick up on that? I know.

Oh, no, sorry to be the corrector here, but it was just the supplements, if I remember. It was just the guide. Which aren't as topical. Yeah, so that's actually easier to do in advance. Okay, fair enough. So leave your dad alone. Okay, fine. Just the supplements.

I mean, why would it be just the supplements? Loads of, like, free shampoo in a sachet. It's not Bellamag, babe. Guardian. What, free fold-out hairbrush? Is that what you get? You have to shave. Do you just rub it out of the pages onto your wrist?

He tears them all out. When he's got a date, he's like, go to the stack. What's it going to be today? Dab it off, cool water. Jupe. Oh, my God, my dad always used to wear juke still does i think it's such a dad fragrance you get a lot for your buck as well you get like it only comes in liters or two liters seriously okay let's dive in figuratively belinda blink three chapter 13

fuck me a sch Schweinsteiger afternoon. It was Friday morning when Des Martin... Yay! Knocked on Belinda's office door. I don't know if it's a yay when Des Martin turns up. People love him though. Do they? Yeah, he gets a cheer, doesn't he?

Yeah, he gets a cheer at the live show when he enters. I obviously blocked that out. Spoiler, Des Martin arrives at the live show. Quick, buy your tickets. Wait a sec. The website's crashed. Everybody wants to see it now. So we've skipped a week then. If it's Friday morning, because it was the hen weekend.

Yeah. So it's the following friday now wow anything could have happened i doubt it i doubt anything she's probably just been doing cost center reports that sort of thing a bit of admin filing okay the business side of things although rocky would usually tell us about that and keep us abreast this has been quite a business focused book as well you know there's been business cards that's true one thing we never talked about from that episode where everyone's having sex in that sex party oh yes people giving out business cards where were they storing them well their ass cheeks clearly in the cheeks

what behind their ear that's not gonna work i would go the crack over the cheek well yeah sure the ass area the ass area the back pocket the you will. Oh my, is that what it's called? Isn't that what they call it? Who's they? People. Your people. You just realise you're in such different circles, don't you, when James comes out with these things? The back pocket.

Pop it in your back pocket, is that what you mean when you say that? I don't want to know about your back pocket, it's fine. Do you think of it as a pocket? No, I don't think of it as a pocket, I'm just sure it's been called like the back pocket before. All I can think about though is hot pockets on the plane to Canada. Oh my God. People will have been on a flight and have been offered the hot pocket. The hot pocket.

Let me tell you, run. Now you're on a plane so you can't really, but like you say no and you say you just find the nearest adult because it's not a good thing, is it? I gobble mine right up. I don't know what the problem is. You always gobble up the hot pocket. Des Martin knocked on Belinda's office door. Hi, boss.

How are you feeling this morning? Busy, Des. Busy. That's a brush off, isn't it? Belinda replied brusquely, quietly nursing the mother of all hangovers. Oh, now we understand That's what she did For the last four days

On a bender You can't take it out On everybody else You've just got to Soldier through It had now been A full week Since the

Costadel Soul fiasco I wish we were there Right now Because it's Pissing it down Outside It's all I can hear It's horrible

And we're at my flat Again this week And I think my neighbours Are having sex again Because there's something Banging upstairs oh god it's an unholy hour for it are you joking quarter to nine yeah i think that's disgusting it's great tv on this is prime time they'll be missing curry it had now been a full week since the costa del sol fiasco and all that russian. That was never mentioned. They were famously ordering G&Ts, weren't they?

Des, today's clients. What's the score? Said somebody who hasn't got a sweet clue what's going on. That's what you do, isn't it? Ask a really vague question like, I just want a little update on the clients and stuff. On the figures. Just give me a rundown of the schedule and stuff. What's going on they're actually old-fashioned rag and bone men oh rag and bone men they're off of yesteryear

aren't they steptoe and son what is a rag and bone man they're kind of very resourceful gentlemen who would kind of source things from the street right and then sell them to people yeah i think traditionally it was like literally rags so fabric strips and like bone and bits and bobs right like yeah bits of furniture kind of they used to literally making this up as you go along it was it's basically rags bits of bone bits of old chicken drumstick Isn't that right Jamie? Yes, yes Old furniture What are you on about? You don't know

Was it Victorian? Actually when we lived in Leeds They still had a rag and bow man That went down You know that cobbled back lane Behind my house? Yeah, Regions Park Terrace So you used to come along there

On an actual cart With an actual horse We had one growing up as well Used to come to the towns and everything To the towns Yeah To the cities The cities as well. Used to come to the towns and everything. To the towns. Yeah. To the cities. The cities up north.

I used to go to the pub and my dad's friend used to sell meat off the back of a van. Okay, so your dad's friend was a rag and bone man. I know he wasn't. Was it a T-bone steak?

It's different. No, I think it was a bit dodgier. But yeah, I just remember thinking they'd be like, oh, it's fallen off the back of a van. I'd be like, then why would we eat it? It sounds disgusting.

It fell off the back of the van then was put back into the boot of the van. James thought it literally fell off the back of a van. I'd be like, then why would we eat it? It sounds disgusting. It fell off the back of the van, then was put back into the boot of the van. James thought it literally fell on the floor. That's been on the tarmac, mother. Don't eat it. Wash it. Turns out it was just stolen meat, and that guy was a crock.

And James shopped him in for those pork chops. So was he selling those and curtains, in which case he was a rag and bone man? Just the bone, not the rag. Okay, just the bone. He's just a bone man. Verdu. It's a different thing. They're actually old-fashioned rag and bone men.

Very good, Des. Shall I ask the question again? What's the score? Oh, God, she is a grouch bag. She is raggy. Des took a few minutes to clear his mind of Belinda's tits. A few minutes? Can you imagine the silence?

How could he explain it? Well, let's put it this way. You've heard of Price Keen? No. No. And Bargain Store? No. Well, these guys supply them with some of their products.

Who? What? Price Keen and Bargain Store. Supply who? The Rag and Bone Men? The Rag and Bone Men supply Price Keen and Bargain Store. What are you talking about? Which I'm assuming are like pound shops.

Right, okay. So the Rag and Bone Men supply the pound shops with what? With everything. Rags and bones. Those old CDs that no one ever buys. Yeah, like shampoo from the continent, that sort of thing. From the continent? What is going on? It's always in foreign languages if you buy shampoo from the pound shop or Price Keen.

So what's he called then? Price Keen and... Price Keen and Bargain Store. Good names, to be fair. Price Keen. I love Price Keen. Trademark that shit. You've heard of Price Keen? No.

And Bargain Store? No. Well, these guys supply them with some of their products and they've got us out of a few holes in the past. Belinda started to become more interested. Oh, did she? Go on, Dad. Yeah, go on, Dad.

And? Okay. Let's suppose Sterling Corp orders 45,000 units of one article in our oxybrillo range you fucking wish that'd be a massive order do you imagine that because it's never gonna happen love also article what is that is that a pot that's a one pot and or pen one style in the range oh a style so it's like a non-stick tin wok sure yeah can you imagine if they ordered that she'd be out of a lot of trouble 45 000 as if that would be the end of the books okay but hang on i think this is actually good business here i think we're about to learn

something guys take notes on this okay let's suppose sterling core orders 45 000 units of one article of our oxybrillo range now the factory says to get the best profit from the deal, we need to make 50,000 units. Okay, you with me? Not really, no. Why? So they're saying that actually the way that our factory works is that it's more cost-effective to make 50,000 units

than it is to make 45,000 units. So drastically overproduce. Why? No, no, no, no, no. Okay, guys. The factory says to get the best profit from the deal, we need to make 50,000 units. Okay, with me?

No. Belinda nodded. Well, thank God that makes one of us. Now, sterlings don't want 50,000 units. They only want 45,000 units. They only want 45,000 units. If you'd listen to the deal. So, what do we do with the extra

5,000 units? Burn them? Put them under seats at the O2? Belinda finished Des's sentence. We sell them to those lot at a much discounted price, and they push them out to the discounters What lot? Oh god

What? I just coughed up a lung Correct boss No sorry No We're skimming over too quickly So they overproduce in the hope that Price Keen and Bargain Hunt or whatever it's called No no no

Yeah no So they're not going to buy them direct In the hope that Price Keen and Bargain Hunt or whatever it's called. No, no, no. Yeah, no. So they're not going to buy them direct. Sterling will sell them on to Price Keen and Bargain. No, no, no, no, no, no. They aren't deliberately overproducing. It's the fact that like all companies who manufacture stuff have kind of set increments of manufacturing volume. Yeah. So their factory, for whatever reason...

Works in units of 50,000. Works in units of 50,000. How limiting? Probably in units of 10,000. So, you know, they could have 40,000 or 50,000, but they need 45,000 because that's what Sterling's bought. So then the rag and bone men come in and be like, do you want us to take these to Price Keen in our wheelbarrow?

Exactly. No, they don't, though. Look, this is how business works at Steeles Pots and Pans. So it's cheaper for them to make the extra 5,000 they don't need and flog them for essentially a pound, well, less than a pound, than to just make 45,000 but when they're selling them could they not be like we don't really do 45

we do 40 or 50 so do you want to just take 50? Yeah but that's because Belinda's shit at negotiating deals so she can't do that. Clearly. This is so crazy. But is it because actually if they get 45,000 it's worth them breaking the total cost if they get 45,000, it's worth them breaking.

Honestly, the blankness in Alice's eyes, she didn't know what was coming out of her mouth. I honestly don't know where everybody is involved. Well, do you know what? Belinda understands because she literally jumped in and finished his sentence for him. So he says, now, Sterlings don't want 50 000 they only want 45 000 so what do we do with the extra 5 000 units we sell them onto these lot at a much discounted price and they push them out to the discounters correct boss but who's this lot because the discount the rag and bone men right but why

wouldn't you just sell them to the discounters? What are the Rag and Bow men doing? Obviously, they've got the horse and cart, which is great. So they can take it to the discounters. I'm saving so much on lorries. Oh, God. So what? Like, sorry to sound stupid, but I'm not in business. I'm not in the 19th century or in business. So the highwaymen take the excess stock.

So 5,000 walks in their horse and cart. Oh my god. Okay, cool. And King Edward decreed that. And as per the Magna Carta, they go to the discounters, price keen and bargain store. So the feudal landowners So the repeal bill of 1866

The Peasants' Revolt God almighty Right, crack on Good answer, Des Now, how's the wife? Oh, wow Divorced Yeah, famously not living with me

Gone, gone, gone Dead and buried Divorce finalised next month So not quite gone then House under offer And we're both out Oh no Oh dear

She's going to become a rag and bone man We could do a lot worse So you are now one of the country's many marriages ending in divorce Fucking hell Statistics don't lie As any good business person knows. Wow, what reassuring words from Belinda. Yes, but you've been a big help, boss. Oh yeah, sure.

Don't you mean your physical attraction to my gorgeous body? Oh my sweet baby Jesus. Is humble on a CV. Yeah. What? body oh my sweet baby jesus is humble on a cv yeah what was that face jamie des looked at belinda that was yeah with five h's just it wasn't my interpretation it was very much in the text okay yeah des looked at belinda's breasts with a sideways gaze. He'd only just shaken them. Also, isn't he looking at her straight on? Why is he looking sideways at her?

If we crack this account, can I see all of you naked, touch all of you naked, and fuck all of you naked? Sorry. You genuinely just puked, didn't you? It was a dry heave, I think. I've never done one of those before. Belinda thought of Ken Dewsbury and replied, only if we get an order from these people today.

Ooh, there's a deadline on it. It's like 24. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Well done, her. She's turned that around, hasn't she? A negotiation, Alice. As ever. around hasn't she a negotiation alice as ever everything in life is a negotiation des made excellent time on the journey and as their car slowed yeah where are we well they're off to do the deal with the wagon bowman yeah i thought they came to you

in the horse and cart they do actually but maybe if you're supplying them with oh god I don't know let's just roll with it okay Jamie's never broken down like that before he really doesn't give a shit anymore I'm just like

trying to find logic here is folly he's always got an answer for everything and today he's like I don't fucking know let's just get through it he's like we're nearly

at the end it's raining I don't care he's like let's plough on four chapters tonight let's just go through it he's like we're nearly at the end it's raining i don't care he's like let's plow on four chapters tonight let's just go through the small hours no not four chapters tonight i want to get out of this house which james is fair enough des made excellent time on the journey and as the car slowed he took a sharp left-hand turn and stopped outside two large metal gates. Ooh. Rag and Bone Man HQ. Mm.

Is this the home of the famous German footballer, Bastion Schweitzer? We've gone full circle. They started to slowly open and Dez drove the Mercedes slowly through them. We'd have to go at a similar rate, I imagine, so as not to crash into the gate. Kind of dictates

the speed. Remote video cameras followed them down the mud road. Sorry, what? They followed them down? The cameras. How?

On a track and dolly. Oh, it'll be a lovely shot. It'll look like the start of Downton, won't it? Fitted by Ken Dewsbury probably. All AV needs.

Wires everywhere. remote video cameras followed them down the mud road and belinda wondered what she was getting herself into a deal the car stopped outside a big green dilapidated warehouse. Oh, my. It looked like what it was. A dilapidated, big, green warehouse. A remnant of the Second World War. Oh, for God's sake. Come on, boss. Let's get inside before the dogs smell us. Oh, my.

Where are they? Sure. The hounds are coming. The gate opened for them. They're not broken in. Is this going to become some sort of ghost story or something? Oh, I hope so. He's not really gone into that genre yet, has he?

Des grabbed Belinda's hand and literally dragged her through the shabby doorway. Her eyes grew quickly accustomed to the murky interior. Ooh. Very good. It was full of large wooden crates. Rag and bow man boxes. Well actually this is kind of your dad's technique. Do you remember we bought that merchandise? Yes.

And it wasn't really shifting and we didn't know what to do with it. Yes. Did you employ a rag and bow man? No, there was a fire in the warehouse and we made more money in the insurance and the fire than we did selling them. That is so rocky. It is true. Where was he on the insurance and the fire than we did selling them. That is so rocky. It is true, yeah.

Where was he on the night of the blaze? Dad just emailed us saying, there's been an incident at the warehouse. The good news is... We're rich. We've made a fortune. The bad news is we're 240,000 seats each day. And don't get me started on the tote bag and also what's a tote

bag the only things that survive with the charred mugs can you imagine and they are flying off the shelves well we should say that was our first pass of merchandise now we have some lovely merchandise available at mydudderatporn.com and nice and it also meant that the old stuff if you're lucky enough to own one, it is properly vintage because there's only about five of each

item in circulation. Left surviving. And the things that aren't signed by Rocky are worth more. Picture this. You're at a picnic

with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic? Not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back with 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right

from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Des pushed on into the warehouse. At the far end, Belinda could hear the noise of forklift trucks moving around. A door opened to the side, halfway down, and a biggish man walked out. Oh, come on. Come on. I think he's run out of them all now. There aren't any more, are there? Biggish, thinnish, tallish, youngish. Smallish. Smallish. It's been early-ish before.

Early-ish, yeah. It's probably been late-ish. Yeah, definitely. All of those. Hi, Hans. I'm sorry? Hans. Hans.

H-A-N-S. Hi, Hans. Great to see you, said Des. Can I introduce you to my boss, Belinda Blumenthal? Hans proffered a hand. Wonderful. Beautiful stuff. Hello.

I've heard so much about you. Welcome to bargaingain Basement Land. Bargain Basement Land. Not what it's called. What is it, a theme park of bargains? Belinda smiled and shook Hans' hand. Stop saying Hans' hand. This is ridiculous.

Oh my God. Like never before has it been an issue about saying hands. Hands, hands. Stop it. It felt cool yet dry. Not slimy and sweaty as she'd expected from a rag and bone man. Oh, the hands as hands. Hands as hands.

Hands as hands. Were dry. He's maybe stored it in a cool, dry place, as recommended for many products. Hans ushered them through into a small office. Using his hands, I presume. Where a spluttering gas fire did its best to keep the damp building at bay. Spluttering? Kept the building at bay?

Greta. Greta. Come meet Belinda. Oh my God, is it Hansel and Gretel? Hans. Hans. Hans and Greta. It's. Come meet Belinda. Oh my God, is it Hansel and Gretel? Hans. Hans. Hans and Greta. It's the building made of sweets.

From the pick and mix in Bargain Basement. Yeah, you look at the walls and there are just those tiny butterscotch bricks. Milk bottles outside the doorstep. Milk for your tea? Oh, wait. Okay, so Belinda's wandered into a fairy tale. So what are Hansel and Gretel saying? Greta, come meet Belinda.

Steals pots and pens. Did he mishear her name? Did he hear it all together? What do we think Greta's going to look like? A hag. Okay. You think everyone looks like a hag. I think Greta will be blonde, pretty and petite.

Okay. I think she'll be old, plump and blind. Okay. Great. I just wanted to offer the alternative. Yeah, it might be somewhere in between the two. A tall, sorry Al, slim, dark haired. Came out of a second room. She was absolutely stunning.

Oh, well, I thought she'd be stunning. Most Grettas are. That's actually a rule of thumb. Can she see? I think so. Oh, damn. It's not been specified, weirdly. Belinda held back a hasty gasp of admiration.

It didn't do to greet new clients with one's tongue hanging out. Oh, she loves a bit of Greta. It's a classic book one greeting. What? Oh, hi, Greta. No, it's nice to have that back, isn't it? Oh, hi, Greta, said Belinda,

taking her proffered hand. Hands probably proffered her hand. Yeah, probably. It's a second-hand hand. From hands. Very good. And they're ragamobans, so it is all second-hand. Hi, Belinda.

Oh, my. Oh, she's tall and thin. My bad. Famously squeaky full. And stunningly beautiful. Hi, Belinda, replied Greta, looking Belinda up and down with an appraising air. Belinda definitely wanted to give her all she had. In discount terms, of course.

Also nothing. 100% of everything. I can't wait. Hans and Greta were brother and sister Oh my god Oh god He's gone full Hans Christian Andersen Oh my good god

He's just fishing for the comparison I'm sure He's getting fucking desperate now And he's like fuck where's a book What can I Hans dropped some baguette on the floor. Hans and Greta were brother and sister. Their parents had set the company up many years previously and after ensuring their two children

had the necessary education and experience... They sent them to the forest. ...had quietly retired to the heat of the Bahamas. Oh, lovely. Good for them. Quietly. They didn't want to make a scene. No leaving party. Just scuttled off. After a very quick tour around the warehouse,

there wasn't much to see apart from wooden crates. Belinda nodded her head sagely. What are you... I'm just laughing at everything. It's just... Like, it's all just

hitting me now. The bonkersness of it. Oh, it's absurd. Hans and Greta. Hans and Greta Schweinsteiger. CEOs of bargain business

land. Oh my God. Are they the Schweinsteigers? They are. Is that them? They're one and the same. Related to a German footballer. Wait, how do you know they're the Schweinsteigers?

Well, it's a Schweinsteiger afternoon and I'm sure Hans and Greta haven't got the surname Jones. Do you know what I'm saying? Whilst this was a down market business to her and one that wouldn't increase her bonus, one wit, the company did need to have this safety valve. down-market business to her, and one that wouldn't increase her bonus one whit. The company did need to have this safety valve.

Is that what you call them? Besides, Hans and Greta interested her. Their immaculate facial bone structure, the fact they were brother and sister, and last but not least, that they were both unattached, meant all things were possible. Ew.

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Do you feel like something icky is going to happen? I think it's about to get a bit Lannisters in Game of Thrones. Oh.

If you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean. I mean incest. Oh, really? Is that what that means? I've just heard people say that. No. I'd like to think Rocky's not quite going to go that far.

Maybe she'll just have one at a time and she likes the idea that she's coming into some sort of family dynasty. Oh God, I felt pukes fill. But Belinda was also becoming more and more impressed with Des Martin. No one at head office had ever hinted at the existence of this underbelly. But Dess has had the balls to take her into the lion's den and boy, oh boy, she couldn't believe the opportunities she'd encountered. Oh boy, boy, I said, oh boy. Greta was just unbelievably beautiful.

We know, she's said that already. Whilst Hans was so male. Oh. Very much the male version of Greta. She means masculine, doesn't she? So masculine. There we go. She could have made love to them both,

there and then, in their disgusting working conditions. Oh no, but not while the other one's present. Yeah, separately. Just then, Hans told Des he'd just been delivered some interesting prototype items from Bisch in Germany. Steele's biggest European competitor. And did he want to have a look at them? They're called Bisch? Bisch.

Is that like bosh but bish oh my god also if something's like a bish is it bishish i think it's bish b-i-s-c-h oh my god it's totally it's supposed to be like bish please i bet bish isn't working with rag and bone men based overseas. Swish, swish, Bish. That'd be their, like, theme tune. Oh my God, is that their, like, jingle? You know, like, do-do-do-do.

It just comes at the end. Yeah. The brand new strudel pan. Swish, swish, Bish. There you go. I can see it now. So Steeles has a competitor now. I feel like they're going to come to the foreground in the future.

I feel like I would shop with anybody other than Steeles. So I'll just always go with the competitor. Don't know anything about them. So he asked if he wanted to have a look at them. Des nodded eagerly. He used to work for Bish a long time ago and always enjoyed seeing what they were up to, even though he thoroughly disliked their ethos.

Big business. Conglomerate. You don't mind, boss, do you? It'll only take me 40 minutes to take some pictures and make out a competitor report. Take some pictures? He's got one of those... Do you remember the first cameras that smoke came out of

when they were on a stand? That's how he took that lovely portrait of the rag and bone man. 40 minutes to take a picture? Go digital, Des, just tell Des. Belinda smiled inwardly. Inwardly, sure. And replied, No, Des, go and do your job.

I'll have a cup of tea or something with Greta here. Tea? Belinda, I think we can do so much better than that. And so do I. What about a drop of Chilli and Chardonnay Oh god they've all got it Apologies to the world Apologies specifically to Germany

And to women What about a drop of Chilli and Chardonnay Perfect Greta After all Des is driving. You know if someone really hot turned up? You're like, oh my God, they're so hot. And then they spoke like that.

It'd kill the mood, wouldn't it? Absolute buzzkill, yeah. Yeah, I don't think I could go through with the date. The lads left and Greta went into the back room. Hey, Belinda, what do you think of this? Come and have a look. Belinda! What do you think of this? Come and have a look. Belinda went through. Greta was holding out an exquisitely sexy brassiere in black lace.

Got a crate of them this morning from Tokyo. Try it on. I think it's your size. How does she know? Belinda blinked. I generally find Japanese stuff a tad too small for my somewhat larger breasts, replied Belinda. Rocky just playing on a little stereotype there. Replied Belinda, rapidly taking off her jacket and blouse.

Also stop shopping at Muji, Belinda, if you're that bothered. We get it, massive tits. No, trust me. I'm an expert. And this one will fit you beautifully. Tell you what. If it does, you can keep it. It's my size as well.

Oh, God. Creepy, creepy. I feel like Greta might be a murderer. The voice doesn't help, does it? Yeah, is Greta okay? Is it a bit Dr. Robin's, the voice? Belinda salivated and removed her own bra. Greta gasped.

Oh my God! What an astounding pair of breasts you have, Belinda! You can't say that phrase when we're already in a fairy tale. What amazing breasts you have! He's just't say that phrase when we're already in a fairy tale yeah what amazing breasts you have he's just like mixing all of the stories up honestly

where are the three little pigs may I feel their weight in my hands dead weight why does everybody always want to know the weight

it's almost like they valued it by the pound well there you go that's worth about Two and three Old money Give you a shilling

God if they like rags They'll like the Duchess's breasts They're just paper thin Beautiful Willowy bits of silk Of course Greta darling Would you mind reciprocating? As in flop her breasts

Into her hands I guess Not hands Sorry Belinda's grasp. Fuck me, Belinda. Oh, okay. Cried Greta.

Reaching into the bottom drawer of her desk. What's in there? It's a dildo, isn't it? It's a dildo. It's a dildo from a job lot of dildos. And pulling out a largish black dildo. This will be from a crate. Oh, yeah. This will be a cheapish black dildo. This will be from a crate. Oh, yeah, this will be a cheap knock-off dildo.

It's probably not been tested to say. I'd want to read a few Amazon reviews of a dildo before I bought it. Are there Amazon reviews of dildos? For sure. Oh, there must be. Wow. Well, there's actually... Do you remember...

I mean, cast your minds back now, but do you remember when Rocky accidentally called Bella Donna? Oh, yeah. There is a dildo called the Bella Donna dildo. Really? No. And is that a popular one? It's on Amazon. Someone ages ago sent us the link for it. I don't know, but there must be. And James promptly bought it.

I was going to say, I saw that on the company account and I couldn't work out what it was, but I always presume it's your personal predilections. He's been keeping it in his back pocket for the last couple of years. Oh, come on. It's a phrase, all right. So she's pulled out a large-ish black dildo. You all right, James? Oh, my God. What are you showing me and why is it £24.99?

I've just found it. Oh, is this the Belladonna? It's called Doc Johnson Belladonna's Bitch Fist Dildo. Bish. It's a bish fist dildo. It's a fist. It's £24.99. Free UK delivery.

Don't even worry about it. It's got one five-star review. James Cooper. Delighted. Oh my God, wait till you see it, Jamie. Your eyes are going to water. Hands could sell this hand. Whoa.

It's like somebody doing a cutesy wave, but in the closed hand position, isn't it? Yeah, it's just a massive fist and most of a forearm. The good bit of a forearm. But guys, there's only 11 left in stock, so run while they're still available. As soon as this episode comes out, they'll be gone. That's my worry.

Belinda removed her skirt, thong and heels, in that order. Oh, good. And quickly strapped on the hard wooden sex implement. Wooden? She's going to get splinters. No, it used to be crafted. No, I'm sorry. Wooden must have been like olden days. They don't make wooden dildos anymore. Wooden's a shocker, isn't it really?

I hope it's good solid wood and not like MDF. Oh, can you imagine if it's just chipboard? Oh God. Start to splinter. Oh, don't. Nice piece of cake, Greta. Where's the witch hazel? Greta panted back.

Oh, so I've got them this morning from New Guinea. Now, stop talking and just fuck me, Belinda. New Guinea. New Guinea. So they got bras in this morning and the wooden dildos. I guess it's a constant stream of stock. Love that New Guinea's diversifying into wooden dildos. That's nice, isn't it, Papua?

Joining in. Belinda helped Greta onto a dark wooden crate. With a big dildo cut out. Can you imagine? Just hacked out of the crate. Sitting in the corner of the room. Corner. Pushed her thighs apart

and rotated the large dildo into her already sopping vagina. Sopping. Sopping. Get them mop. She clamped her mouth onto Greta's right teat. Teat! Fucking hell.

And started to vigorously move in and out. Greta quietly screamed in ecstasy. Quietly screamed. Famously easy to do. That was just like one note. One more time. So solemn. The last cry of a

really sad dying woman. After about three minutes of frenzied activity and a couple of extremely wet orgasms, Greta waved her free hand and that fist dildo waved her free hand in submission saying stop it's your turn now for revishment belinda ravishment the girl swapped over and it was belinda's turn for violent release. Wow. No man had ever been this good.

Ever? And she's got a lot of experience. Well, I would trust her. But then again, she'd never experienced anyone from New Guinea. What does it even mean? Yeah, because they've all got cocks made of wood. Doesn't make any sense. Well, that's where we're going to have to leave it, because that's the end of the chapter.

Oh, my God. I am sopping wet. Oh, my God. That was... What was that? So, I feel like I've learned a lot about business. Yeah. No.

Quite a business heavy chapter. Yeah, it was quite business heavy. No, I'm sorry. It was sopping in business. Hands literally everywhere. Hands for days. Oh my God. I appreciate so much more how difficult it is in the pots and pans industry.

To get rid of that excess dog. Oh my God. It's a dog's life. Those extra 5,000 units. What do you do with them? What do you do? Is that it though? Whatever deal she was talking about earlier in the day,

has the deal been done or has she just forgotten? Oh, we don't know because that was the deal that Des Martin was going to get his end of way on. Taking the pictures. Yeah. I know I get to this point in the books every time. It's like, where's it all going? Like, come on on we're at chapter

13 of 15 now yeah don't get me wrong i've got faith in rocky i just hope he like pulls it together by the end what do you want pulling together exactly a thread a narrative thread somewhere like some something to have happened for a reason at some point okay well you can but dream keep wishing and hoping on that one. What's the next chapter called? Yeah, maybe there's a clue in whether she gets the deal and if Des gets his deal. Any guesses, guys? Is that what it's called?

I wouldn't be surprised if that's what it was called. Rocky's just like, fill in the blanks, I don't know. At this point, I've come to learn there's literally no point in guessing. You're right, because it's called Belinda's Spiral Staircase. Oh. So that could refer to the planes where they have spiral staircases up to the bees. A secret part of the Duchess's house because she has lots of little clandestine doors and alleyways. Or we could be going to her flat.

I don't think we've been to her flat before. Maybe she's got a spiral staircase in there. Shut up. I would love to see her basic flat. Yes. See where she eats. Oh my God. See where she sleeps.

You can tell so much from someone, can't you, Alice? It's lovely here, James. It's really nice. I just got a new chair. We know. Waited in all day for it. Bloody hell. So yeah, that's it.

Belinda's spiral staircase. Keen. Very keen. Yeah, let's See where this is going Well if you hope Like James That Dad's going to Pull this all together

Somehow And finish it In a nice little bow Get in touch We want to hear Your theories Of how you think This book's going to end

Yeah just tweet us At Dad wrote a porno Yeah I really want to know What people think Where do they think It's all going Penultimate episode That's almost more exciting

Than the final one Because the final one's Where we're really disappointed Whereas penultimate episode. That's almost more exciting than the final one because the final one's where we're really disappointed, whereas penultimate, there's still a chance. Christmas Eve. And if you are into the pictures, of course, you can join us on Instagram, at My Dad Wrote Her.

You can. We're on Facebook. Just search My Dad Wrote A Porno. Or if you want to send us how you think Rocky's going to tie this all together, then you can email us at mydadwrotaporno at gmail.com with the subject line finale theories we want to hear your thoughts well i do anyway we do and we may even read some out on the podcast so send them in anyone fancy a trip to price keen

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