My Dad Wrote A Porno - S3E14 - 'Belinda's Spiral Staircase'

Episode Date: August 28, 2017

After his afternoon's work at Bargain Basementland, Des Martin is treated to a steamy sex session at Belinda's central London apartment. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno. They're actually old-fashioned rag and bone men. Oh! You've heard of Price Keen? No. No.

And Bargain Store? No. Well, these guys supply them with some of their products. Welcome to bargain basement land. Belinda smiled and shook Han's hand. Stop saying Han's hand. Greta quietly screamed in ecstasy. Famously easy to do.

I was just like, one note. One more time. Happy Porno Day, everybody. How are we, guys? It's the penultimate episode. It is indeed. It's the peen. It's the peen ultimate episode.

What? Sorry. Are you okay? It's the peen ultimate episode. It is. Are we going to have a peen ultimate party? Should we have a peen ultimate party? I mean, we're doing it right now.

Oh, are we in it? We're in it. This is happening. It's always a good party if you don't know it's happening. A shit party. This is one of It's always a good party if you don't know it's happening. A shit party. This is one of James' house parties. With three guests. Got some chips and dips and a selection of drinks.

You do always focus on the chips and dips at your parties, James. I throw a great party. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I do. Well, you'd know if you came. Oh. Oh, Alice is such a letdown for parties.

That's not true. I always come from 8 till 8.15. She's a French exit. Yeah, she does. She just disappears in a puff of smoke. You're like, where's Alice gone? And she takes you about four hours late going, sorry, just left, bye.

Sorry, I just did a French exit. I couldn't be bothered to talk to anyone or even say goodbye to them, so. I do actually admit to the French exit, though, whereas some people don't. I think a Houdini's a more polite way of doing it. I'm not convinced it is. What do you think? You say goodbye to, oh, you make a big to-do of it. I do. I make

a bit of a song and dance, to be honest with you, just because I don't ever want to leave. Why do you French accent? Because people just try and convince you to stay, don't they? Not you. No, not me. People convince other people. Yeah, I was going to say, no one will ever ask you to stay. If that's what you're worried about, you can say goodbye to everybody. Honestly,

the party starts when you go. Everyone will just order you an Uber for you. You can save a fortune the party don't start till alice leaves well this party's actually just to celebrate the fact that hopefully rocky is going to bring some of these wonderful narrative threads together but maybe we're prematurely celebrating i mean we can live in hope can't we will you stay till the end alice oh with this particular one i actually was gonna french exit the blender blink series so remind us what today's chapter is called um this chapter is called belinda's spiral staircase yes and we couldn't work out the location of the spiral staircase indeed i will be over the moon if we finally get to see her central london apartment

i used to have a spiral staircase did you in uh we had? We had a really nice house when I was younger with this big metal spiral staircase. Oh, wow. My auntie slipped down it once. It was quite a sight to behold. On purpose? No, not on purpose. Oh, I thought you meant she was like, wee, down the baluster. Oh, did she do herself a mischief?

She's fine now, but yeah. Do you think Belinda's going to have, like, sex on the staircase or something? I don't know. I always feel like spiral staircases are a little bit kitsch. And they're not actually that good for having sex on. Are they not? We have to turn the corner, I imagine. Imagine?

Yeah, because all the altitude and stuff. Oh, sure. Yeah, vertigo happens. Oh, I'm excited. Okay, let's go. No, he means he's aroused. Stiff as a board. Stiff as a board board i'm ready to go

belinda blinked 3 chapter at Belinda's central London apartment. Oh my God, we've never been. Oh my God, now I'm stiff as a board. I'm thrilled. This is hopefully going to make things make a lot more sense. Hopefully we can get more of a sense of Belinda and the decisions she made. You get a lot from someone from where they live. Just seeing their environment.

I love this shit. You know I do. I just love having a nosy around people's houses. Oh my god, it's like through the keyhole. Who lives in a house like this? A sex addict! A woman mid-breakdown! I suppose it's just really basic.

Or just filthy, like absolute squalor. Like disgusting. Like a bedsit. Is Belinda a hoarder? Oh, a secret hoarder! Oh my god! She's straight off a Channel 5 documentary, isn't she? Des killed the engine.

Killed it. Killed it dead. And Belinda opened the car door and swung her legs out. Oh, my God. Three sentences to get out of the car. I imagine that's like if it was a film. The camera would be on the pavement and you'd just see her legs swinging out of the car. And it would maybe track up her.

Exactly. Stage directions, really, as opposed to a novel. Yeah. She turned and strode the few steps to the concrete spiral staircase. Oh, God, it's outside. Which linked the garage to the first floor of her apartment. To another floor, the way the stairs do. Some awful concrete steps.

How elegant, how dainty. It's not very ornate, is it? I imagine it's something from Gone With The Wind or something, but actually it's just very much a 60s tower block. Although saying that, she has a garage in central London. She's quite flush. She's got a lock-up. Hasn't she?

Do you think this is like the Barbican? I'm just thinking of all the concrete. It's got a lock-up. Hasn't she? Is she? Do you think this is like the Barbican? I'm just thinking of all the concrete. Like a brutalist structure. She sat down seductively on the third step. They can't have sex on these steps. These sound awful. She'll break her neck. Ice cold.

She'll get piles. Maybe we won't go inside. Maybe the whole chapter's going to take place on those fucking steps. No, we can't be tempted this way. Oh, no. She sat down seductively on the third step, kicked off her black leather heels, and ensconced her long, supine toes around the metal railings.

What? So, concrete treads, metal railings. She's using her toes like very, very dexterous hands. Is it daylight? Like, can people see her? I guess so. Because where have they just been? The Schweinsteigers. They've just been to Hans and Greta's. Yeah, the haunted warehouse or wherever it was. Yeah. I mean, she did promise him if all went well today, he was going to get laid. I mean, this is obviously it.

She's a woman of a word. So she's clinging on like an ape. Yeah. There's nothing creepier than people who are very, very able with their toes. Yeah. I used to know somebody who could really, really pinch you hard with a pair of toes. Oh, a pair of toes. Not their toes, someone else's. If they could find two big toes. You'd get a right good pinching. But like, I mean, really tough pinch.

Toes have really come into their own in this book, haven't they? Certainly towards the end of the book. There's been a lot of feet stuff, yeah. Yeah. Does your dad have a thing about feet? I mean, I know that he bought us all flip-flops once. He did. That's from Brazil.

Is that sordid? He just wants to see your tootsies. He's like, show me that lovely crease between the big toe and the next toe. Alice, why aren't you wearing your Havianas? Other brands of flip-flop from Brazil are available. I don't know if they are. Satisfied she had a good grip, she lay back and stretched her arms upwards.

She again felt for the metal sanctions of the spiral staircase. Again. And wrapped her hands tightly around them. Now, lying prostrate on the steps, she weakly called out, I'm here, Des. Come and take me. Des is going to be like a red rag to a bull.

He hasn't had any in weeks. He'll be like, come in, come in. This is not going to be a long sesh, is it? No, there'll just be one more sentence. And he came at the end. He came and he cried. Well, then we can see a kitchen. So, is it? No, it'll just be one more sentence. And he came at the end. He came and he cried. Well, then we can see a kitchen. So, brilliant.

Everyone's happy. So, Des looked up from his fascinating digital dashboard. What's a digital dashboard, please? Can everyone stop saying digital dashboard? Des looked up from his fascinating digital dashboard and gulped.

You would? He shook his head in disbelief. After all, he'd failed to get that direct order from Hans and Greta. He'd failed? Yeah. So they didn't get it, but she's still putting it out anyway. Well. Did he at least steal some ideas from Bish?

Oh, Bish. I forgot about Bish. He went to take all the photos, didn't he? Mm. He quickly stripped off. At last, he thought. At bloody last. It's been a bit of a dry spell, hasn't it?

It has a bit for poor old Des Martin. Because obviously he's getting divorced from his wife, but maybe they weren't having sex long before that as well. Maybe it's been ages. It's a sign, isn't it, James, before a divorce, people tend to stop being intimate with one another. Jamie, it's true. It is one of the telltale signs of a breakup.

It's probably the biggest one. It's funny that, isn't it? Really, really like each other. Jamie, it's true. It is one of the telltale signs of a breakup. It's probably the biggest one. It's funny that, isn't it? Really, really like each other. Really, really fancy each other. And then you're just like, disgusting. Weird, isn't it? It is. It's happened to me.

Has it? Which way round? Receiving end. All right, okay, fine. I turned into a beast. A troll. I don't know why I ask anymore. James, always the receiving end.

I'll never tell. And we don't want to know what we're talking about is you know with with gays there's always well they're not always but someone has in sex someone has to be the top and someone has to be the bottom someone has to be the giver someone has to be the receiver and i refuse to be drawn to be drawn like one of his french girls i was at a dinner party once and someone yelled across the table in front of loads of people i didn't know james you top or bottom i was like what and what did you apply i said could you pass the gravy like i just wanted to ignore it does that mean bottom are you born one or the other no i think most people can be both and is it a choice thing

i guess oh god we're gonna get emails here i'm such a bad gay they're gonna be like james what are you talking about but wait it's not like like in that game where it's like duck duck goose duck duck like it's not like you're allocated you choose it's what you're into or what you're good at i guess yeah it's not like you're good it's not like you put a sorting hat on when you like come out and go he's a top he's a power bottom. I mean, this is a real potted history. And as I say, I'm a bad gay, so I don't really know.

So, you know, some are top, some are bottom. Some don't like it at all. Like, each their own, whatever. And it's all fine. It's all fine. It's all great. We're just trying to get through life. This is a good time.

This is a way to spend a Tuesday, you know? Yeah, exactly. Or not, as a case may be. Or not, or not. He quickly stripped off. At last, he thought. At bloody last. He took his very healthy penis.

Glad we got an update on its medical history. I think that means size. A healthy portion is what he's thinking of. It's had a bad cough, but it's back to full health now. My penis keeps being sick. Can you imagine it being peaky? Oh, God. It's looking a bit green around the gills.

No, gangrene dick. Spotty. He took his very healthy penis in his hand and started masturbating it. I don't like how he uses that verb. He never says he started to masturbate. He always says he masturbated it. Yeah. And also, is this the first time someone's had a rank in these books?

I think it is. No. People have masturbated one another, haven't they? Oh, God, yeah. That's another phrase he likes to use. They mutually masturbated one another. Oh, God. His balls will be blue.

I don't think so. I think he's at this four times a day. Four times a day? Yeah. He's drained dry. Yeah. I think if anything, a husk wouldn't be very healthy at all dry and arid just an arid dick so he started to masturbate it as he advanced

upon belinda oh so oh his oh well he's not jewish oh his foreskin went up and his foreskin went down. Revealing more and more of his shiny knob. Oh, my God. Why is it shiny? He kind of means like the knob. He means the head, doesn't he? The head. Exactly, the head. But he doesn't really know that phrase, maybe.

It's the shiny knob. It's just so... There's something actually really naive and sweet about a shiny knob yeah he's not normally gone into such detail about penises no true um interesting fact about dad he doesn't often write about penises in the garden shed turns out he does um so revealing more of his shiny knob with each movement so we've gone four skin up four skin down four skin up four skin down repeat to fade and it's just revealing more and more of the shiny knob of the shiny knob you can see your face in it polished up to

perfection oh lovely get some brass on that bit of barkeeper's friend that'll come up an absolute tree oh lovely please don't do that that home. That's very, very corrosive. Oh my God, you will not have a healthy penis if you use that. Everyone's got fizzing penises. It's effervescent. What stunning legs you have, Belinda. Des, if we're to do this right, I need you to call me boss.

Okay. There's nothing right about this, even if he does call you boss. She loves the power trick. She finds it really sexy, I think. She's a bit of a dominatrix, isn't she? She is a bit. I like that. Control. She knows what she wants and she gets off on it. Des gulped

again. He's having weird acid reflux, isn't he? Many tangled thoughts crossed his mind. Is he still going up and down and up and down? But the goal of screwing the boss, and that is capital T, capital B. Oh, okay. As he would now have to continue to call her, was uppermost.

In the tangle. In the tangle of his mind. Yes, boss. Can you help me with the bra? Oh, has he never taken a bra off before? That's so unsexy. Yeah. I've only dealt with vests. My wife just wore nighties.

She should wear a bra. Marjorie just wore a loose jersey t-shirt beneath all of her clothing. A crop top. A crop top! Yes, boss. Can you help me with the bra? Belinda groaned. And leant forward.

Des pulled off her jacket as best he could, followed by the blouse. He didn't mean to rip it. It just sort of happened in his haste. Don't worry, they all do. There's not a single one that hasn't been torn. Also, she's got a fucking wardrobe full of jackets. She's fine. This will be because it's been mended, though,

because it's been torn so many times. It's already been compromised. It just sort of happened in his haste to get to her gorgeous tits. Sorry, boss. I'll get you another, a stronger one. Sounds very pretty. Like a North Face jacket or something.

I'll get you a Patagonia. Don't fucking bother, replied Belinda. Oh no, this is such resentful sex. She's like, just do it. Oh, now becoming slightly amused. Oh, sorry. So it's like, don't fucking bother, replied Belinda. Now becoming slightly amused.

I only expect a week's wear from these rags anyway. Weeks? Rags? What? Silk blouses, rags. They're rags to her. Des grinned and continued his advance on Belinda's pulsating breasts. Pulsating, does that mean like throbbing? I guess so, yeah. I think throbbing would be a more accurate word. But Des wasn't fully reading Belinda's mind speed. I'm sorry?

Mind speed. Mind speed. What is a mind speed? Does he mean he's not fully reading Belinda right? Yeah, I feel like they're not on the same page just yet. Neither am I with Rocky. What are you saying? But Des wasn't fully reading belinda's mind speed he was enjoying her nipples too much to think of her clit at the same time it's one or the other isn't it nipples or clit top or bottom well men famously can't multitask so if you're doing one thing just do it well then move on methodically to the next so alice just doesn't look convinced at all i'm not convinced by any of this but but mainly because it started off as a party don't don't peg it as a

party oh my gosh you're gonna french exit if you want me to be there um so he's not on her mind speed so because he's distracted by the nipples but the clit is the clit the mind speed i think that she basically wants him to ravage her clit. Right. But he's fixated by the pulsating breasts and nipples. Her breasts have like their own fucking... Mind speed. Mind speed.

Like gravitational pull, like people love them. Uri Geller would lose his fucking mind, wouldn't he? Why, is he a breast man? No, but he loves like magnetic things things and bendy forks and shit. Oh yeah, he loves spoons. Imagine there's loads of spoons stuck to him. So, he was enjoying her nipples too much to think of her clit at the same time. However, he did have enough basic sexual instinct

to start proceedings on that region of her body with his fingers. What a Casanova. Basic sexual instincts. He knows where to put the penis or fingers in this case i think marjorie would beg to differ that he's got basic sexual instincts i love that we called him marjorie martin martin no longer oh that's true formerly martin back to a maiden name basic sexual instinct was that the first film or the second film yeah i, I think that was a sequel. That didn't do as well, did it? No. The one that Sharon Stone wasn't available for, so they just got Kirstie Alley or something. Hey, you could do a lot worse than Kirstie Alley, all right?

Loved a bit of Veronica's Closet. And she was excellent in Look Who's Talking. Two, three and four. Okay, sorry, it's Bonnie Hunt. Oh, God. I didn't even know who that is, so I can't defend her. Where's he dragging them from? Bonnie Hunt from Jumanji.

Come on. Oh, God. Said no one ever. Bonnie Hunt from Jumanji. Come on, Bonnie Hunt from Jumanji. She stole the show. She was very excellent. Bonnie Hunt from Jumanji.

Did she play the woman? Yes. Sarah or whatever her name is. Sarah, yeah. Fucking hell. What is this? It's like a. I'll tell you that much. Bonnie Hunt from Jumanji. Does she play the woman? Yes. Sarah or whatever her name is. Sarah, yeah. Fucking hell. What is this? Like a Jumanji Appreciation podcast? I used to love Jumanji.

It's a great movie. They've remade it. Is Bonnie Hunt playing the titular role? Oh God, I bet Bonnie Hunt heard they were remaking Jumanji and was waiting for the call. It never came. But I mean, they don't tend to remake it. With the same people.

Exactly the same. But they do. They get the original cut and they just be like a waiter. They do, don't't tend to remake it. With the same people. Exactly the same. But they do. They get like the original cut. They used to just be like a waiter. They do, don't they? A cameo. To rub salt in the wound. It's like you can be in the diner.

Yeah. Bonnie, we'll have you in Belinda Blink the movie. Give us a call. We'll sort something out. Yeah, get in touch, Bonnie, if you're listening. If Bonnie Hunt from Jumanji's listening. I will retire happy. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. I'm so happy. practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone,

right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. He was soon roughly in the right place. Roughly in the right place. Great. Just like jabbing his penis into a belly button repeatedly. And started to rub the fleshy and quickly moistening mound. Is that the clitoris? Yeah, I think that's what he means. It's the shiny knob of the lady.

It is. If you will. Des felt Belinda starting to breathe more deeply. He was doing good, he thought, as he moved his lips and mouth to her left nipple. Lips and mouth. Lips and mouth. Lips and mouth. Both moving together.

Always go together. Such a power team, this lips and mouth combo. Otherwise it's just a gaping hole. There he contentedly sucked and soon started to twirl his tongue around the hardening flare. Oh, it sounds like he's breastfeeding. Lost in his lust, he inadvertently clamped his teeth

on Belinda's nipple for a millisecond. Oh. Does she not like that? That's all right, isn't it? God, Des! Shrieked Belinda. I'm not a bloody dummy, teet. Whatever that is.

As the old saying goes. I think a pacifier. Oh, I see. Like the baby's half right. Sorry. Sorry, boss. Des mumbled with his mouth

still full of tit. Full. Full. It's like in his mouth. The whole tit is in his mouth. Sorry, boss. Sorry. Don't talk with your mouth

full of tit. It's rude. Never mind, whispered Belinda. She's so got a split personality disorder. She's like, get off.

It's fine. Yeah, totally. Never mind, whispered Belinda. She's so got split personality disorder. She's like, get off! It's fine! Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Never mind, whispered Belinda. It's not the first time. Hopefully not the last. Definitely not the last. But you just told him to stop.

So you do want it to be the last time. Des smirked. Knowing full well he was lucky to get away with his sexual clumsiness. I don't want to defend Des. I don't think that's that clumsy. People nibble at people's nipples, don't they? I think it was the fact that it was accidental. I think this is the thing with Des.

Own it. Like, whatever you do, just own it. I love the way Alice has got her arms folded right over her nipples right now. Yeah, I am finding the whole thing a little bit hard to stomach. Des's tongue replaced his inexperienced sticky fingers in Belinda's labia. Oh, my God.

Sticky fingers. Sticky, sticky fingers, we love you. Oh, sticky, sticky fingers. Kept my wet wipe. He couldn't resist a quick slurp of the vaginal liquids now running freely from her body. From her body? Like the vaginal liquids are coming out of her armpits? Out of every pore.

They tasted divine. No. No. You can be into it. You can like maybe find it a turn off, but I don't think anybody's like, you have got to try these vaginal juices. It's not Ribena Toothcut.

Oh my God. What is your recipe for your vaginal juices? How do you get that lovely, the kind of piquant, oh, some beautiful, beautiful beautiful beautiful notes yeah it just tastes like bodily fluids so much sweeter than that of his ex oh poor marjorie's vaginal fluids bitter as a marriage like sherbet not that he'd been able to dine at that particular table recently oh come on marjorie's mouldy vaginal fluids.

I don't know about mouldy. Probably just like soured. It's like when you leave milk in the fridge for too long. I feel like it's like a kind of fermented grape. Oh. Des, sorry to interrupt. Des pulled his dripping face out of a vagina. Dripping face?

How wet is she? Fucking hell. He loves moisture, Des. Doesn't he? He really should work for like Oil of Olay or something. He loves all of like... Having a wet face. What do you think Oil of Olay is made of? Like moisturisers.

Each range from a different woman. It's so expensive. Isn't it? To harvest it is so labour intensive. Des pulled his dripping face out of her vagina, looked quizzically at Belinda and said, sorry, boss, have I done something wrong? Oh, stop apologising. It's so unattractive. Mood kill. No, no, replied a blushing Belinda. How's that, boss? He asked, feeling fearful. Not bad for a divorcee, retorted Belinda, subtly shifting her ass to find a more comfortable position.

It's not like when you get divorced, you lose all sexual prowess. I guess out of practice, maybe. Maybe, although with Des, even before he got married, he didn't have it. So that's true. Practice does not make perfect. No, quite. Des continued to titillate Belinda's clitoris. He decided on a two-part operation.

Yay. Firstly, one of stimulation. And secondly, a basic clean-up. Oh, come on. Spill a denial form. Oh, God. Get a mop. So, after a period of tonguing, he would embark on a slurping session,

which effectively cleaned up the juices recently produced. Why do we have an itinerary? Why is he so functional? Yeah, why is he talking about it like it's a business deal or something like that? In order to keep a semblance of professionalism, he did his best to maintain the slurping noise to a minimum. He's really overthinking all of this. Just get on with it.

In actual fact, it turned out to be more of a case of broad sucking. So he thinks by not making the sound, this is professional. Lick her out, but God forbid don't make a sound. I mean, that's the sort of thing that you could get reprimanded for. It's like when Sharapova plays tennis and she grunts and squeals and she hits the ball. And people say that it's not very professional because it's kind of cheating because it's to put off the other player. No. Ugh.

Ugh. All that. It's more like, ugh. Oh. Ugh. Oh. Yeah. I'm quite keen on that.

Is she Greta? She does sound a bit like Greta. She is Greta. Maria quite keen on that. Is she Greta? She does sound a bit like Greta. Oh my God, she is Greta. Maria Sharapova, you are now Greta. Well, I'm all for it. I think in all workplaces, people should be moaning and groaning. You don't work in an office. Really unprofessional, that was.

Oh, sorry. Des would not be hiring you. Well, thank God for that. Des doesn't make any decisions. Come on. He can barely put his trousers on in the morning. He can barely take a jacket off. Exactly. decisions come on he barely puts trousers on in the morning you barely take a jacket off the problem was des was not a leader yeah tell me something i don't know only now was belinda starting to understand this facet of his character des has changed so much from what i originally

remember of him like i remember belinda being like i I like you, Des Martin. And I don't know, we just came across a real confident... He was a happy chap. And it's all gone downhill for him since then, bless him. I mean, partly, I guess, because Rocky forgets what he's said about people. So each time they reappear, it's always like he's drawing the character from scratch. But inadvertently, Dad's

actually created a character arc through his forgetfulness. He's actually given him depth and a journey to go on is des the most well-rounded character in the book he may well be wow if she wanted penetration then she'd have to instigate it soon real him in des des i need you inside me belinda whispered in a hazy type of way. Des, Des. That's kind of hazy.

Quite raspy too. Scary. Terrifying. Apologies, listeners. Des, Des. Demons coming back. Des understood immediately. What understood? Des.

Understood. I need you inside me. Yeah, it's quite clear. He speaks he speaks english that's good phase two was about to begin i don't like this phase business this is how they're describing the building work on my block of flats phase one's taken forever phase two i don't think will ever happen just because you've called it a phase doesn't make it sound any more legit like you're just robbing us blind and by the way if you're listening from the contractors thank you so much for all of your hard work today des martin recent divorcee stop saying that and regional sales manager london and southeast for steels pots and pans fell to his knees. Why did we need all of that?

Why is it full credits? And with his erect cock, slowly started to penetrate his boss. Why did he get like the Game of Thrones Khaleesi thing? Like Mother of Dragons, Freer of Slaves. Dribbler of Vagina.

So he's gone in? He's going in. He's going in, guys. This is a very long sentence. Hold your breath, everyone. Des Martin, recent divorcee and regional sales manager, London and South East for Steeles Pots and Pans, fell to his knees and with his erect cock

slowly started to penetrate his boss, Belinda Blumenthal's already wet vagina. Why has everyone suddenly got their full title? Is that the blurb of the book? I don't understand. I don't know. It's the bit that Dad wants to kind of put out for a free sample on Amazon. That's the poster quote.

That'll get them in the mood. They'll definitely buy it now. I love that he's just tried to ramp all the context possible into one sentence. He's like, they've got everything they need. Yeah, this is a very standalone sentence.

If you're not going to read the book, just read this sentence. It's fantastic. Tells you everything you need to know. To be fair, if you're not going to read the book, it's chapter 14.

Of book three. Yeah. He unbelievably slid in with no bother at all. Unbelievably? I can't believe that. of book three he unbelievably slid in with no bother at all unbelievably I can't believe that and started to slowly fuck her oh good

they both groaned as their lower bodies met for the first time hiya do you know it's so nice to put a face to your name I've heard so much about you lower bodies lovely Do you know, it's so nice to put a face to her name. I've heard so much about you. Lower bodies, lovely. When two become one.

This is very nice, isn't it? Des wasn't getting much friction, but he couldn't very well complain like he used to do to his ex. He used to complain that she was too wet. Yeah, which is a good thing. Well, I mean, it would be sad if he was like i want your bone dry perhaps he thought in a sad way that's why she left him because she was too wet or because he couldn't he couldn't finish he couldn't sustain because she was so wet that he couldn't get friction that he couldn't come and then he complained about it that might be

the reason that she left him i hope she didn't put that on the divorce form just say unreconcilable difference yeah i love that such a catch-all for everything we want the dirt unreasonable behavior um so a few things he's still not over marjorie no clearly this is a rebound fuck 100 like i thought maybe he was in love with belinda or you know in some way this might turn into something for him at least. But no, this is very much about Marjorie's not giving me the love that I've wanted for years. Yeah. It's very sad.

It's very, very sad. It's really sad. We shouldn't be laughing. No, we shouldn't. No more laughing, anybody. At all. He's never going to come, though, if that's what he's thinking about. Yeah.

Get your mind in the game. Get your mindset in the mind speed. Come on, phase two, Des.'s what he's thinking about. Yeah. Get your mind in the game. Get your mindset in the mind speed. Come on, phase two, Des. Focus on it. Phase two, everyone. But Belinda was now perspiring freely. And the grip her hands and toes had had on the metal sanctions of the concrete staircase were becoming more and more tenuous.

She's getting sweaty feet. She's still holding on with her feet for all that time. For dear life. For grim death. Belinda started to very slowly slide off her concrete step. No, she wouldn't slide off concrete. You can be as sweaty as you like, you're not sliding off concrete.

God, I forgot we were still on the concrete steps. It's not polished concrete. Well, it might be, actually. No, come on. In this shack. You know when I was getting mad last week that, like, I was worried nothing was going to be tied up? That worry remains. Like, this is not advancing the story in any way.

This is, um, what do you call them? Like, wasted time, isn't it? This is filler. He's gone like, oh, said I'd do 15 to himself, I presume. He's made an index page. So he was like, well, I can't go back on that. He's got a timeline., I said I'd do 15 to himself, I presume. He's made an index page, so he was like, well, I can't go back on that. He's got a timeline. Yeah, he's got his bloody timeline. Belinda started to very slowly slide

off her concrete step. Bum, bum, bum, bum. And as Des retracted for another stroke, she suddenly slipped and slid the whole way to the bottom. Oh, she did. Bringing Des with her. Weren't they on the third step? Yeah, they were on the third. Oh, she did. Bringing Des with her. They fell on the third step.

Yeah, they're only on the third. Yeah, it's not going to kill them. It's not a biggie. But they're still entwined. Yeah. It was the chafing he needed and he came in a tumultuous rush of bright white semen and sweat. No, sorry.

Bright white? The thing that he needed was to fall down the stairs. For some friction. That's quite painful. He yanked it, though. What do you mean yanked it? Gave him that bit of friction. What?

Friction? The friction he needed to complete his ejaculation. No, famously, but that's not friction. The internal habitat is still the same. Yeah. Oh, Alice, I can't help you. So they fell. He came.

We all wish we hadn't been here bowled over by belinda's weight des was pushed onto his ass on the cold concrete floor with belinda still riding his cock oh she unfinished she's still going no topple down, no stairs. It's going to finish me off. God, Des. That was a brilliant bit of athleticism. How do you do it? We just fell down the stairs, really. Des whimpered, groaned, and looked up at his boss grinding him into the cold, hard floor.

Good God, Belinda's on one. So she's just carrying on. She's going for it. She's like Katrina Polly, riding that pony to eighth place. Oh my God, 10 out of 10 for effort. She was going to get the best effort prize. 10 out of 10 for that reference, wow. I'm just a natural, he moaned.

A bloody fucking natural. But he sprained his ankle. He's like, could you get off? I'm actually in quite a lot of pain. Yeah, he thought he hurt himself. He's going to apologise before this is through, for sure. Belinda threw back her head, shaking free her long black hair.

She laughed exultantly whilst experiencing a magnificent orgasm and finally extracted herself out of Des. Once again, he's in her. She's not in him. Basic tessellation. That's pretty basic, isn't it, he's in her. She's not in him. Basic tessellation. It's pretty basic, isn't it? That's base level. Come on, Des Martin. Regional sales manager extraordinaire. Get up. I've got a nice gin and tonic waiting for you upstairs. Are we going inside? I reckon you deserve it.

How long has that gin and tonic been sat there? It's ready and waiting. She pre-made them. The ice is melted. It's lukewarm. You're going to love it. Des followed the seductive Belinda up the twisting staircase. We're going in. We're going in?

We're going in. I think so. As she wiggled her naked ass at him, Des felt the stirring of something deep in his groin. What? He's getting an erection straight away again? He thought, oh God, no.

What? She's going to fuck me again. What can I do? Why is his groin feeling that? I think his groin's been like, we can't take anymore. Once a day at most. We've masturbated eight times today already. Exactly.

He's like, I've not been in training for this. Marjorie would never have done this at the top belinda took his hand and led him to her bedroom we're already in the flat we're in there's no front door it's just a platform at the top of the stairs it's an open rooftop it's very scandi and led him to her bedroom where she reclined her stunning body on her huge purple waterbed nobody has a waterbed anymore. Oh no! And that is the end of the chapter.

Oh my God! We're back in the 80s. That is my favourite end to a chapter ever. So how does a waterbed work? Do you get it in and then fill it with water? I think so, yeah.

Yeah, because otherwise it's very heavy. And do you have to keep topping it up? I think it probably does sag over time, so yeah. And I guess you can change how firm it is

by how much water you pump into it. I mean, I'm sure, but they don't manufacture them anymore, so I'm not sure there's any way to tell. Have you ever laid on one?

I've never been laid on one, no. So wait, this means next time, not only is it the final chapter but we're gonna see the inside of belinda's house potentially well not necessarily we could jump entirely to a different place or to a different time you're right what's the chapter called maybe that'll give us some i don't really want to save it as a surprise for our last episode. Please. No.

I want it. I don't care. Right, next week is the last episode of the series. The finale. Finally, we find out. What? No, probably nothing. Literally nothing.

We find out how it all ends for this book. Oh, we can have a little party, get the drinks in. Absolutely. Gin and tonic round mine. Please make it now. I'll leave them on the side till next week. And we're going to do

another listening party for the end of the series. Of course. So we do them every time, don't we? Everyone around the world at the same time presses play on the episode

and we all talk about it on Twitter and it's a hoot. So when are we going to do it? Okay, we're going to do it next Pornoday. So Monday the 4th of September 8pm UK time. So you have to Google it. Find out what time it is a hoot. So when are we going to do it? Okay, we're going to do it next Pornoday. So Monday, the 4th of September, 8pm UK time. So you have to Google it, find out what time it is, wherever you are.

I can't be arsed to do it. No, I think you should do them all. So what time will it be in Papua New Guinea? What, where they make the wooden dildo? Exactly. And yeah, let's all listen to it together. It'll be nice. It'll be fun.

Speaking of Twitter, you can get in touch at Dad Wrote a Porno. You can on Instagram at MyDadWroteA. You can email us, MyDadWroteAPorno at gmail.com. And we're on Facebook, just search MyDad dadwroteaporno you can on Instagram at mydadwrotea you can email us mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com and we're on Facebook just search mydadwroteaporno

in fact do any of those soon because the out of offices are going on soon aren't they oh yeah like Monday we're shutting up shop

James is like I'm off to the Bahamas I'm not coming back and Jamie you have to decide if you want to do book four I know

we have to decide next week I guess I guess you have to decide whether you can do do book four. I know. We have to decide next week, I guess. I guess you have to decide whether you can do book four. Because we could just leave it as a trilogy. True. We could. We could. Let's have a chat about it.

No, let's talk about it now. In front of everyone. I need some space. You're like, don't air my dirty laundry. You've already done it for yourself. I'm going to miss you guys because I'm not going to talk to you again after next week. Oh. I'm joking.

Of course I will. I'm going to miss you. So until'm not going to talk to you again after next week. Oh. I'm joking. Of course I will. I'm going to miss you. Aw. So until next week, goodbye, James. Goodbye. And goodbye, Alice. Oh, she's gone. Another French accent.

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