My Dad Wrote A Porno - S3E2 - 'Epsom Hall'

Episode Date: June 5, 2017

Belinda heads to the idyllic English countryside with The Duchess, who helps get her in the mood for a debauched weekend with the riding set... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno It was Friday, 9am, when Belinda jumped off the DLR train and into the Millennium Dome building. What? Morning, miss. I need to microphone you up for the show. Is he a smallish man or a small man? He's the small man dressed in black.

The small man dressed in black. The small man dressed in black. The small man dressed in black. In fact, everyone here today will go home with an unsticked in walk. You win a car, you win a car, you win a car. What a disappointing thing to win. What, an unsticked in walk? Is that what she said? Hello, James. Hello? Hello, James.

Hello. Hello, Alice. Hello. Hello, Jamie. Oh, hi, Jamie. Thank you. Welcome to my dad, I hope you're all doing well.

Is it going to be like this for the whole episode? You never say hi. I always say hi to you. It's politeness. How are you? I'm very good, thank you very much. How's your dad? I haven't spoken to him since last week uh but i'm sure he's loving it we're in james's house

for the first time james's new house for the first time this week do you like it i do have quite if you hear like noises from above you do have what quite what i was getting loud house guests i have quite noisy neighbors upstairs right i think i can talk about this because no one knows where I live. But the guy snores like crazy. But then also I hear them have sex. Oh. And she's very vocal. Honestly, she's like screaming. Good for them.

Well, yeah. Do you buy it? Do you think that she's a faker? Well, I just thought, you know how sometimes Jamie would do a fake laugh on the podcast and be like, that's bullshit. Are you up there like, my darling, Tuesday night sex is not that good I just can't tell I need you to come around and like assess it for me I think that's when it turns weird when you're inviting people around to listen quick other sort of sex party I can be there in 10 do you think it'll still be going on no

yeah he'll be finished he'll be finished um but yeah how have you guys been uh I'm good everyone seems very pleased that Belinda's back in their lives. I know. The small man dressed in black went down very well. He has become just an icon in his own right. Yeah. I feel like there are sound men everywhere just taking note. I mean, he's rogue. He's avant-garde in his style.

But you know what? He made an impression. And he's on LinkedIn for everyone to follow. So amazing. I also read that visits to the Millennium Dome building were by 100%. So, you're welcome. A really, really eventful first chapter. Yeah.

Loads happened. More than I think we even realised at the time. More's happened in one chapter than has happened in two books. That's actually quite true. It's like, Rocky, don't waste your plot, love. Like, spread it out. Eek it out. But maybe that's a good sign for book three.

Maybe there's going to be more stuff happening. More meat. Yeah. Oh, I hope so. That'd be nice. Wouldn't it? Stuff to talk about, finally. Now we don't have to eek it out.

Brilliant. So where are we moving on to? So this chapter is called Epsom Hall. We're going to be meeting the Duchess once again, who didn't feature in book two at all. So a welcome return. Well, she did it a bit in flashback, I think. Oh, flashback doesn't count, though. Okay, so she's been absent a long time.

Yeah. I mean, she was kind of one of the standout characters of the Belinda Blinked canon, I feel. Yeah, but in reality, it's only been two... Can we all calm down? It's been like two weeks. She was in like three chapters, I think. So true.

Yeah, why do we even care? So now we're going back to the kind of world of aristocracy yeah why is rocky so obsessed with the aristocracy has he had much experience with them with royalty well he's from northern ireland so they are quite big on the union you know sure famously yeah my my family in ireland are very pro the royal family and actually once uh when i was a really little kid my dad um he snuck me out of school for the day to take me to a tractor kind of fair and stop it princess anne was there no riding on the back of a tractor kind of just being like driven around this fair

this kind of country what a booking i know, we had the priest from the local church. Was she known for her agricultural background? Is she like patron saint of farming? Well, like how Aphrodite was the goddess of love. Yeah, was there a connection? The princess royal. The royal of tractors. So are we ready, guys, to delve into chapter two?

Yes, sir. Okay. Belinda Bl, to delve into chapter two? Yes, sir. Okay. Belinda Blinked 3, chapter two, Epsom Hall. I love the expression on your face. What have you seen? I'm just excited that I'll be reading these words again. The Duchess... Me!

...was sitting in the spa reception when Belinda rushed in a mere five minutes late. Good for her. Sounds like you, Alice. I don't class that as late, five minutes. Alice is always so late. You are the tardiest person I know. Oh, come on.

I always think everyone has to have a vice. And because I'm such a good person in every other way. I was going to say, how many do you have? She's been collecting everybody else's throughout her life. No, like that's my only thing, you know? Yeah, sure. Alice was once 45 minutes late to meet me. There's no one outraged by that.

Alice is like blank face. I mean, that seems quite normal for Levine to be fair. I was going to say, are you impressed that I was so on time? I don't know what the point is. I was once late for another friend's birthday. By an hour, she was only meeting me. Terribly sorry, my lady. It's been a very busy morning.

Think nothing of it, Miss Belinda. Oh. She sounds like the Queen. She's the Duchess. Does it have to be Queen Elizabeth II's voice? It sounds like Queen Mum, not Queen Elizabeth II. And congratulations on your 90th birthday, Mum. The Jubilee was a huge success.

Think nothing of it, Miss Belinda. I've only just arrived. This is a fucking joke. Is this what we're going to have to deal with? I'm not keen. It's just taken me by surprise. No, I thought she'd be more like... She's not like a rickety old lady, is she?

She's like, there's something a bit sexy about her. Okay. Can you put a husk into it? Oh, jeez. I would say think more Camilla. She ain't sexy. Well, each to their own. Think nothing of it, Miss Balloon. No. That's more Camilla. She ain't sexy. Well, each to their own. Think nothing of it, Miss Belinda.

No. That's more Canilla. There's got to be somewhere in between. Think nothing of it. Think nothing of it, little girl. Double, double toil and trouble. Think nothing of it, Miss Belinda. Oh, I like that.

It's been Joanna Lumley Yeah love I've only just arrived myself Thanks my lady for doing this today It's literally my only free afternoon For the next couple of weeks Let's go to the mudroom Is that a euphemism?

I forgot Go round the back Oh gross Oh god Miss Belinda I'm honoured You're still okay for a shindig Going round the back. Oh, gross. Oh, God. Miss Belinda, I'm honoured. You're still okay for a shindig at the Isle of Wight? Belinda nodded her head and started stripping off.

Are they in the mudroom? I believe they are. Love the mudroom. The Duchess purred with pleasure. I feel like you've really got a voice right. I'm sorry, Miss Belinda. Just the sight of you undressing sends me into orgasm. Into orgasm?

Not even a frenzy. It sends me into, oh, there it was. She and the Duchess relaxed for the first time that week, letting the mud packs do the talking. What have you got planned for tonight and tomorrow night, Miss Belinda? I would like to invite you to a very special dinner party this evening, and then to a show jumping championship with a good clubhouse dinner,

and award ceremony afterwards. She's got pleurisy. Why is she so short of breath? I think you might meet a few of my close circle who would interest you. Oh. So this is where she's going to meet other... In the riding set riding set yes but it's weird that she's setting her up with people i mean belinda's not doing badly for dates so she's going to a show jumping competition

followed by dinner no a very special dinner party oh right and then to a show jumping championship with a good clubhouse dinner and awards ceremony. So another dinner. Two dinners, two nights. You eat twice. This is the advert. Kids eat free. It's a beef eater, it is.

Belinda thought for a moment. She was actually doing nothing this weekend, which is a complete lie because she just said when she arrived, she said, thanks, my lady, for doing this today. It's literally my only free afternoon for the next couple of weeks. What are you doing this weekend? I'm actually free this weekend. Free as a bird.

Nothing in the diary. Actually, my lady, I'm free. But to be fair, like whatever she was doing was probably shit. You'd count. She's rejiggling her schedule. She's probably just at the cookshops of London's Oxford Street, so she can definitely budge that up. Actually, my lady, I'm free.

Splendid, splendid, Miss Belinda. They both laughed and sat in silence. When did she become... When did she become Miss Belinda and not servant? I think she's always been Miss Belinda, actually. Yeah, it's my lady and Miss Belinda. Splendid, splendid, Miss Belinda, actually. Yeah, it's Milady and Miss Belinda. Splendid, splendid Miss Belinda. They both laughed and sat in silence,

relaxing in each other's company and sorting out the trivial details a busy weekend always entails. In silence? Sign language. Can you bring your car? Bring it round to mine at the thing. Tapping a watch.

Just texting each other. Or maybe the mudp packs are talking for them oh yeah that'll be what's happening their mud packs are their PAs they're arranging the whole weekend

why is she always in mud whether she's inside or outside she's always caked in mud very good for the complexion apparently so she's 25 she looks 24

oh no sorry that's Giselle she's Dutch or at least from Dutch origins extraction two hours later with her new horse riding clothes evening gown and a weekend bag of bras and thongs in tow belinda and the duchess

motored down to epsom in her mercedes wow i imagine a weekend bag of bras and thongs is just a big black bin like it's not it's not a nice bag or like you know those ones that you take to the airport with all of your things like clear so you can see exactly what she's got 100 millilitres of bras and thongs only thing sorry read that sentence again that was a lot to take in right two hours later

with her new horse riding clothes of course evening gown of course and a weekend bag of bras and thongs in tow bullshit Belinda and the Duchess motored down to Epsom in her Mercedes. Belinda turned off the main A24.

What's that? It's a road, James. Oh, I thought it was the name of the engine or something. Like she turned off the engine. Belinda turned off the main A24 and passed through an impressive gatehouse. The drive was nearly two miles long. And at the end of it... It wasn't two miles long.

It's a long drive. Two miles? Well, maybe it's in like a big estate like Downton. That's what I'm picturing. That's still two miles. That's long, right? The drive was nearly two miles long and at the end of it was Epsom Hall, a magnificent red brick building

dating from Elizabethan times. Oh, wonderful. She got all of that from just a little glance. So that's dating from Elizabethan times. And the Duchess got all of that from just being born. Oh, Jamie, I feel like you've got a chip on your shoulder. I just don't agree with that. Oh, yeah.

Is it because you're from working class stock? I'm not particularly. Jamie's not from working class stock. Jamie's a rich boy. I've not heard my Duchess impression. He sometimes plays that card though, doesn't he, when he pretends he's from Manchester. I am from Manchester. Yeah, but when you like pretend... It's the posh side. Yeah. Lost his accent sometimes plays that card though, doesn't he? When he pretends he's from Manchester. I am from Manchester. No, but when you like pretend...

It's the posh side. Yeah. Lost his accent as soon as he could, didn't he? No, to see he wasn't bothered about a two mile drive. He was like, sounds bloody bog standard. How short. Well, where do you cast off the plebs if it's only two miles long? Where do you keep the sniper?

So this is her residence. Well well yeah like alice said last week her country pile yeah because she's probably got a little shag pad in town a townhouse yeah yeah but isn't the aristocracy a kind of asset rich but money poor oh so you think it might be crumbling at the seams that's probably why she got a lift with belinda in a mercedes just shut to sell the horse box she hitchhikes around around London. Do you think she does sex tours of Epsom Hall? Oh. You know, sometimes when the aristocracy fall on hard times, they have to do tours of their stately homes.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I once saw a programme about it. They have to put added extras in, so have a tea room or do tours of the gardens. Make up a ghost, that sort of thing. Exactly, give it a USP. But with her... The dildo room.

The dildo room. The dildo room. Would you like to see the finest silver dildo? This one's from 1796. My servants polish it daily. Children don't touch on school trips. What's going on? Please do not touch the marital aids. Now, Miss Belinda,

you will certainly meet my husband,arence take no notice of him he's a whimpering fool rushing after every bit of skirt or thong he can get his hands on skirt or thong and or thong he's been like this since birth since birth so don't be fooled randy little baby what a disgusting Randy Little Toddler. He's like Stewie in Family Guy. That's really gross. Isn't it? So just forever he's just been like after a bit of... A bit of skirt.

A bit of tit and tat. I bet he breastfed till he was like eight. Oh. Belinda nodded. This was exactly the information she needed to know. She didn't want to be seen to be letting herself down in such a steamed company. She's going to be shagging every which way in this manner.

So I don't know why she's like, thinks she has to be in esteemed company. Later on, she's going to be on all fours. With her Duke's penis in her mouth, no doubt. Oh, James. Oh, I'm sorry. Have I lowered the tone? Stop brainstorming your Tuesday night. She didn't want to be seen to be letting herself down

in such esteemed company. As for the rest of my guests, well, you're a bride girl. You can work them out yourself. Just one rule. I, Miss Belinda, am the only one you can fuck tonight.

Oh, well, that's a Debbie Downer, isn't it? She's done it before. Like, let her spread her lips. You're the wind beneath my lips. Belinda said, yes, my lady. And retrieved the luggage from the car. Oh, I'm surprised she agreed to that so easily.

The Duchess opened the heavy wooden door leading to Belinda's chamber. The house was so posh, it didn't have bedrooms. Posh people just sleep in one giant communal hall. A magnificent four-poster bed stood in front of them. That's a bedroom. That's famously a bedroom. It's got a bed in it. Bedroom. With drapes which were capable of giving the utmost privacy if needed.

Curtains. So, so far still a bedroom giving the utmost privacy if needed. Curtains. So, so far still a bedroom. Even James has these things. He lives in a shack. The Duchess led Belinda through to the anteroom, where the bathroom and clothes closet were located. In its own way, it was large, with a splendid full-sized gilt mirror at one end.

In its own way, it was large. Let's just dwell on that for a moment. Let's not. Let's skim right over it. And also, the ante-room. So the room off the room.

Yeah. Which is the bedroom. Sorry. The room is the bedroom. The ante-room is the bathroom. So an en-suite. Yeah, essentially.

But the bedroom, there isn't a bedroom. With a walk-in wardrobe, I guess. So there's no bedroom. There's no bedroom that's got a bed in a room. Okay, so let But the bedroom, there isn't a bedroom. With a walk-in wardrobe, I guess. So there's no bedroom. There's no bedroom, but it's got a bed in a room. Okay, so let's just, for the sake of argument, call that the bedroom. And then off that is an ante-room.

Which houses the bathroom. So the bathroom. The bathroom, exactly. But it also has a clothes closet. So it's got a cupboard in it. Yeah. Bathroom. That's for your Listerine.

In its own way, it was large large with a splendid full-sized gilt mirror at one end. She walked over to the WC and Oh God. The WC. Is that him

trying to be posh? I think it is. Because that's quite a British phrase isn't it? People don't say WC elsewhere do they? No, water closet. Water closet.

No, my dad's never used the phrase, isn't it? People don't say WC elsewhere, do they? No, water closet. Water closet. I was going to say water closet. No, my dad's never used the phrase WC. He normally just says toilet or a shithouse. So this is either Belinda or Rocky trying to be posh. Or Rocky. This is very much the description. Oh, right, sure.

She walked over to the WC and pushed the handle up instead of down. Who did? The Duchess. Secret WC and pushed the handle up instead of down. Who did? The Duchess. Secret WC room? No. As if by magic the gilt mirror swung sideways, opening into a third room. This is the ante room. This is Peterhouse's offices

all over again. Honestly, where are all the chairs when you need them in the corridors? The Duchess beckoned Belinda through. This, Miss Belinda, is my very private boudoir. Only my closest associates enter. The room was decked out in glass mirrors, including the ceiling. Oh my God. This is worse than the leather room.

The mirror room. Floor to ceiling mirrors. And the ceiling. That's quite a cool room though. Imagine using like a box of mirrors great for a disco maybe it's just a disco room maybe i feel a bit uneasy that the secret trapdoor slash secret room is accessed by leaning on the handle of the toilet flush the wrong way like do you if you're on the loo then you're like right by the duchess's sex room that way? Like, do you... If you're on the loo then, you're, like, right by the Duchess's sex room. That doesn't feel good.

But also, what if you accidentally just nudge the handle the wrong way? You're swinging right round into that mirrored room for your disco. Put on some Kylie. You better have your flares on. The room was decked out in glass mirrors, including the ceiling.

Glass mirrors as well. Very nice. She's splashed out. She's got mirror mirrors. What other sort of mirrors are there? I guess, you know, you know that weird card that's slightly mirrored? Or the plastic in Polly Pocket. Exactly.

That's distorted and makes you look a bit fat. A bit of fairground mirror. Yeah. Glass mirrors, wow. God, no expense spared. Brilliant. Elegant mirrored shelving held all the Duchess's sex toys. Hang on, isn't there a movie where, like, someone's trying to run away from a villain

and, like, they're in all the mirrors and... Yeah, isn't that Man with the Golden Gun? Ah, loves a Bond film. This is so Bond. Also, you guys are right, the Duchess could do tours of her dildo. I'm not sure the National Trust would approve. Yeah, it's got English heritage stamped all over.

Elegant mirrored shelving held all the Duchess's sex toys. Elegant, guys. Elegant. Elegant drink. Belinda counted at least 10 different dildos with their zinc cases beside them. Wonderful. All ready to go. Erotic lingerie of different colours hung around

mixed with shiny rubber clothing, masks and hats. She is soaking hats! Hats! I'm rubber fascinated. Would you like a beret, a gimp mask or... A balaclava. I'm rather fascinated Would you like a beret a gimp mask or

a balaclava Oh that's brilliant You do lose 20% of your body heat out of your head I mean you might be having a nice time but it'd be awful

to be chilly wouldn't it I'm picturing honestly all sorts of crazy shit and then like bowler hat top hat

bobble hat Panama obviously Oh obviously that's a preferred Panama hat it's like pride of place uplit so loads of rubber outfits as well yes what have we got here we've got 10 different dildos great we've got exotic lingerie of different colors and then we've got shiny rubber clothing masks and hats masks we're not done sexual jewelry was laid out little penis ring little vagina necklace sexual jewelry was laid out in neat rows

waiting for placement in the most private parts of the duchess's body oh my apologies so it's stuff that you hang out of you. Like a nice pendant or something. Like a vajazzle thing. Well, the vajazzle's like stuck on, but is this going to be more like, like, you know, like clip-on earrings? Maybe you clip them on down there. Clit-on earrings.

Clit-on earrings. That's horrible. I'm picturing, you know, like those big bejewely ones that people wore in the 80s Big pearls Yeah Horrible Sexual jewellery

Sexual jewellery, James Miss Belinda, please me by selecting anything you wish and wearing it over the weekend I especially want you to wear this She always hints at something and she's like, choose I especially want you to wear this. She always hints at something. She's like, choose whatever you want to wear this. I'd feel uneasy about that dildo selection. Because you don't know where it's been? Yeah.

Is it bad etiquette to share a dildo? I think sharing sex toys is probably frowned upon. Yeah, I'd say so. Even in the upper echelons of society. I imagine they're sterilised. Say what you like about the Duchess, but she does sterilise the dildos. But I even mean...

She's a clean woman. Dildos aren't pacifiers. You don't need to put them in sterilisation. What else would you do? I'd want someone to sterilise a dildo before I used it. Well, hopefully some prospective boyfriends are listening. And I hope they are.

Do you? Yeah. The Duchess pointed at something which looked like a silver bullet. In fact, there were two of them. The Duchess pulled down Belinda's skin-tight jeans and removed her thong. Place these in your vagina and relax. We've never been so quiet because we literally can't figure out what these bullets are that she's having to share. How's she going to relax?

Use the lube. It's easier. Why does your dad know about lube? My dad's just written the word lube. He must have used the word lube before now. Never, never in these books. Are you serious? No.

Lube, like, implies... Dry. Sexual play. But also... You know, like, you're not doing it just to procreate. You're having fun. There's something about the fact that he's called it lube and not lubricant as well. He's way too colloquial with the terms.

He's abreved that right up, hasn't he? He knows what he's talking about. What are they, these two silver bullet things? So this is where I'm a little bit naive. What are those ones that you pop up there and you're supposed to walk around and do your shopping and they're supposed to be like pleasure eggs or something? Oh, the beads. Oh, the eggs, yeah. Pleasure eggs?

Is that not what they're called? Maybe. I don't know. I don't have a vagina. You pop them up there specifically to go shopping. No, they don't aid you with shopping. But I think you're supposed to pop them up there, go about your daily business, and you're like having a whale of a time in the frozen aisle like you are.

Oh, great. Oh, my God. Belinda squirted a decent dollop of lube into her palm. Oh, my. Decent dollop. Palm. What, is she going to just slap it on? It's not sunscreen.

No, no, no, Miss Belinda. No, no, no, indeed. Far too much. They'll slip out in an instant. It happened to me once in Claridge's. In Claridge's? In Claridge's tea rooms. Oh, my God.

A ghastly mess. What is going on? Poor Clarence was scrabbling all over the place trying to retrieve them. Like you try and retrieve them, you just walk out. We're leaving. Get them back, Clarence. Get them back. They're bloody expensive.

They're silver. Belinda smiled and thought must have been having one of those famous cream teas how nice my god that's so dark it's also such a dad joke do you mean such a your dad joke or such a dad joke is that the kind of joke your dad makes? Oh God. I don't know. Please don't. I'm sorry. Can we rewind a second? So Clarence and the Duchess of Epsom were in Claridge's and two silver bullets

fell out of a vag and the Duke of Epsom was scrabbling round on the floor trying to retrieve them. James, it was a ghastly mess. It was a ghastly mess.

I bet they've never been back. So she shot them out like a bullet. I mean, they could have hurt someone. Oh my God. Gun control, hello. Click control. Do you think she just laughed too hard or something and they shot out? No, I think she put too much lube in.

I think that's the thing. Oh, come on. Yeah. Right, well, that's fair enough. The Duchess removed three quarters of the lube and gently massaged it into Belinda's ass. Place the two... I have to leave. I've got somewhere to be.

I don't know where to look. Oh. Wait, I thought they were going in the vagina. They're going in the ass. Oh, God. Oh, no. They're going in the ass. Oh, God. Oh, no. They're going in the ass. Why are they going there?

Why are they going that side? You're missing... Why are they around the back? Don't do it. You're missing the point. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Listen.

The Duchess removed three quarters of the lube. Yes. And gently massaged it onto Belinda's ass. Into her asshole. Onto her ass. On her ass cheek. Like a waste not want not thing. And then placed the two bullets in Belinda's palm and said,

now roll them so they're lightly covered and pop them in. Just like that. This is awful. So wait, so she's got a sheeny shiny ass because she's just like used up the excess lube, which apparently you could just slather over someone. Sliding all over the place. Then she's coated these little bullets. The bullets.

And then she's just popped them up her. Yeah, she's saying like pop them in. Belinda complied. It wasn't such a big deal so far. And besides, it was always good to keep up with the latest technology technology? what are they?

then the duchess picked up what looked like a small television remote and pressed some buttons oh my god I feel like one of Belinda's arms is going to go and one leg is going to go Belinda stood straight up in shock there you go, see?

What is going on? She's going to switch them on. And they're going to start buzzing inside her. Oh, she's controlling the bullets with her... The eggs. Her vagina was being buzzed by a gently vibrating... My vagina's so buzzed. It's on a buzz.

I'm getting such a buzz from this. Her vagina was being buzzed by a gently vibrating silver bullet. She breathed in deeply, controlling her senses. It was quite fun. This is so weird. Alice and I made a documentary earlier this year about, it's called Teledildonics. What? It's like where you can control something. Remotely? control something remotely like a dildo remotely oh what so your partner can control you and you control

from another country what by a skype yes don't joke literally yes from your phone so and there's this one where there's like a sleeve that the man puts his penis into right and she manipulates this like vibrator thing and what she does to the vibrator happens in the sleeve. So it feels like you've got a hand on your penis. So hang on. What you're telling me is that my dad is like at the forefront of sexual technology. I feel like he's been doing some research.

Oh my goodness. She breathed in deeply, controlling her senses. It was quite fun. No, not true. What? It was quite fun. No, not true. What? It was great fun. Oh. And she was actually enjoying it.

Well, that's what they're designed for. That's the hope. How does your dad know about this? I don't actually know. But Rocky is on the forefront of, like, he surprises us with what he knows about technology. And I feel like he knows more than we do. Yeah, he is quite technical. I feel like if he wants to know, he researches it.

Begs the question. Dad, you can research. Like, he knows how many people fit in the O2. He knows about sex eggs. Why can't he just pick up a dictionary? And also, bear in mind, this book was written, what, two years ago? Yeah. So he was way ahead of the curve.

This is some, like, George Orwell shit. He's like, he probably wrote this before they existed. Oh, my God, Rachel Bloom was right. It was written in the future. Oh, my God. Is my dad a droid? This is so weird. My other concern is, if he knows about this technology.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Is he using this technology? No, he isn't actually. Yeah, actually why? Because, well, for a start, he's never been to Claridge's. Oh, great, great evidence. And also...

It wouldn't stand up in a court of law. He just likes to, you know, read about things. Yeah. So you know how read about things. Yeah. So you know how he always says, go to work on an egg? Jamie, have two if you're feeling hungry. God, what section of the bookshop do you find a book on pleasure eggs? I've got to Google this. I swear I'm right.

His library in Brazil is clearly very well stocked in sexual play. Okay, let me just show you. Yes, that's it. They're called love eggs. Love eggs. So they're a sensual vibrator and they're in the shape of an egg or a bullet. Bullet! There you go.

And they can be completely inserted into the vagina or the anus due to their small size. Or the anus. I never thought I'd say that sentence. James looked so excited when he said, or the anus due to their small size or the anus i never thought i'd say that sentence james looked so excited when he said or the anus he's like i don't have a vagina but i do have an anus got one of those um and can you put two of them in as one at a time um it's a strictly one in one out policy it's like a nightclub on a friday um it says no hats no trainers um it says they're a versatile sex toy that can be used by both men and women so james by all means i'm not gonna use a pleasure egg called love eggs but whatever um in addition a love egg can be placed on or built into the harness of a strap-on dildo

to provide the wearer of the strap-on with clitoral stimulation and pleasure oh okay i wonder if rocky knows that can i see a picture of one? Yeah, of course. Well, this one's a bit... I think this is out of date because this has got a mains plug on it. It looks like a mouse.

Surely they're now cordless. It looks like a computer mouse. Why's it got such a long lead? Why's it got two clickers? It looks like a PowerPoint clicker. We should definitely put that on Instagram. That is hilarious.

Yeah, why has it got a link? Which bit goes in, which bit stays out? I imagine the bit that looks like a car key stays out, surely. That's for like a family Volvo, that car key, isn't it? Imagine someone in the car park going, where's the fucking car? And the woman's in the frozen air, literally, on the floor. Convulsing. Oh my God.

It says, some eggs come without the wire connecting the device and are designed for distant teasing, but never anal play, as they may be lost in the anal cavity forever. It doesn't say forever. Hello? Is anyone alive up there? Belinda! It's like the O2 all over again.

It was great fun. She was actually enjoying it. Having a good time, Miss Belinda, said the Duchess. Come here, my lady. Belinda pulled down the Duchess's trousers and thong, found her clit, and started licking her as aggressively

as the vibrating bullet in her vagina. The Duchess gasped and increased the bullet's speed. Belinda responded in tempo. To the beat. She felt like an orchestra being conducted by a mad conductor. For God's sake. However, time was not on their side.

Oh, the school trip's coming round. And this is the dildo room. Oh, good God. To the gift shop. Look to the left. Oh, good. Go on. To the gift shop. Look to the left. Oh, shit, there's mirrors. However, time was not on their side. Miss Belinda, please stop.

I have guests arriving in 50 minutes. I have to attend to their needs. Oh, it'd take 15 minutes. 50. Oh, 15 minutes. Yeah, that's it. take 15 minutes. 50. Oh, 15 minutes. Yeah, so she's got more time. She's got ages. How long does she think it's going to take?

She literally orgasmed at the drop of one of those fancy hats. Took off her coat in the ritz and she was creaming herself. But, my lady, what about my needs? Oh, all right, uppity. I need your attention too. Please don't desert me. Did she say this when she's right by her vagina? She's still like, well...

She's talking to the vagina. The Duchess switched off the remote. Oh. And the sensation in Belinda's cervix died. Oh, that sensation. All feeling died. Power out. Oh my God.

That feeling when you make the same window sound. Belinda's cervix died. It's lovely. It's like tubular bells when we do it together. They both redressed quickly. Follow me, Miss Belinda. I have one last room to show you. She's got 50 minutes.

45 by now. The Duchess pulled another lever. Oh, stop it. Get some doors. This time disguised as an ebony penis holding an out-of-this-world necklace with optional nipple clamps. What?

Option? What? What? Option. What? What? Still the same sentence. And one of the wall mirrors opened. Oh my God. What a fucking maze. So there's an ebony penis holding an out of this world necklace.

So a beautiful necklace has been hanging off it. Like the heart of the ocean from Titanic. But with optional nipple clamps. Yeah. It was Louis XVI. Did it have optional nipple clamps yeah it was louis the 16th did it have optional nipple the duchess walked through this is my bathroom and closet and through there is my bedroom so the anti-chamber and the non-bedroom and also i thought they'd have bedrooms but

so there's a right so sorry just going back to the so there's a bedroom belinda's bedroom then there's an bedroom what did he call it a Then there's an... It's not a bedroom. What did he call it? It's two pot-type bedrooms. It's a chamber. The room with the bed in it. Okay, so there's the room with the bed in it. Then there's the ante room, which is the bathroom with the cupboard in it.

Yes. Then there's the mirror room. Behind the cistern. Then beyond the mirror room, there's another ante room with the bathroom. Ante room with a bathroom and a chair. And then there's another room with a bed in it. Yes.

Which is... What's your problem? I've called a bedroom. No. This is the best episode of problem? I want a bedroom now. This is the best episode of Grand Designs I've ever watched. What the Duchess has done with such a small space. Kevin MacLeod would lose his shit over this. This is my bathroom and closet.

And through there is my bedroom. So you see, my darling mistress, we have interconnecting rooms. Mwahaha! Like a normal building. Every room's connected to another room. And then finally, you reach the exterior

walls. Please trip off fully and feel free to explore. I will return in time to dress you for dinner. Why do you have to be naked to explore? People like walk around their houses like naked, but they're normally like the only ones in. Well, they were naked a lot at the chalet, weren't they?

They've only really been naked together. She's naked a lot, full stop. Full stop. It's her natural state of dress. With that, the Duchess went off to greet the five guests who were arriving imminently five i thought it was gonna be a party imminently in 50 minutes belinda wandered back to her room and finished stripping off now was her opportunity to try out some of the more unusual sex items awaiting her pleasure, like those things that she just stuck up there?

They're quite unusual. Or are we being really prudy? Like, does everybody get into this sort of thing? Maybe. You mean you don't have a love egg? Well, no, but maybe they're run of the mill. Maybe they are, Alice. Maybe they are.

And that is the end of the chat. No, it's not. It is. Stop it. I know. You've never surprised us like that before. Well, I thought I'm relieved that it's over. I don't know about you two.

You're really clammy. So what is the next chapter called? The next chapter is called Dinner at the Duke's Table. I can't wait. So I wonder who the five invitees are. Yeah. I hope they're new characters because he's always good with some like

crackers new characters. And especially if they're aristocracy. Well, join us next week to discover who the five invitees are and what happens at the Duke's dinner table. In the meantime, you can always get in touch with us. Let us know what you thought about this episode

on Twitter at Dad Wrote a Porno. We're on Facebook and thought about this episode on Twitter, at DadWriterPorno. We're on Facebook and on Instagram. You can find us at MyDadWriter. Or you can email us, MyDadWriterPorno at gmail.com. And we do thoroughly enjoy receiving those. Yeah, we do. They're good. Right, should we call it a day then? All right.

Do-do-do-do.