My Dad Wrote A Porno - S3E3 - 'Dinner at the Duke's Table'

Episode Date: June 12, 2017

Belinda enjoys a swanky dinner at Epsom Hall with some of the Duchess' high society friends. However, the love eggs prove to be a big distraction... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need. That's why you need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance. Zensurance does all the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered for what you need. And coverage starts at only $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com and secure your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zensurance, mind your business.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno Elegant mirrored shelving held all the Duchess's sex toys. Erotic lingerie of different colours hung around mixed with shiny rubber clothing, masks and hats. She is soaking hats!

No, no, no, Miss Belinda. No, no, no, indeed. Far too much. They'll slip out in an instant. It happened to me once in Claridge's. In Claridge's? In Claridge's tea rooms Oh my god

A ghastly mess The Duchess switched off the remote And the sensation in Belinda's cervix died Oh that sensation Power out. Greetings all. Another porno day is upon us. Hello, James.

Hi. Hello, Alice. Hello. High energy this week. I'm enjoying it. Are we ready? I'm ready. Are we excited?

I'm excited. Alice has had to, like, gee herself up. She has got a cold sore don't tell everybody that we did arrive alice was in her pajamas brushing her teeth so we thought she was literally on her way to bed can i take a picture of it to put on instagram stop it you're being a beast what of it how it looks now and this is a topical ointment this is only going to make it better it's that chamomile lotion from book one. I thought you'd put a bit of tissue on it, like when men do when they cut themselves shaving. That's very much an ointment there, James. This is a balm.

This is a soothing balm. Also, people keep talking to it because it's so big. She's a nice friend that you brought along with you this week. It's nice to have a Footnotes guest in the main episode, Richard. So rude. Have we named it yet? Madame Coldsor. Oh, very nice.

Okay, so four of us this week. I love on this podcast that I'm the one to bring herpes into the equation. Okay, I'll join you. Oh, confession time with James. No, no, I get lip coldsores only, but I get coldsores too.

So hashtag I'm with her. So this week we are delving back into belinda blink three this chapter is called dinner at the duke's table how are we feeling about that we've kind of hinted last chapter about what we might be expecting do you think those bullets are still inside belinda love eggs please sorry love eggs well if she's correctly applied the lubricant then she'll be absolutely fine but if she's been overzealous... I mean, most of it's on her ass. That shiny, shiny ass. I was thinking about that the other day, actually.

I didn't, were you? Why? I don't know. Don't ask why. I have my thoughts. It's just nice to be back in the world of the aristocracy. Yeah. High society.

We should have dressed up, really. We are having dinner with the establishment. Is she going to dress up correctly, though? Her only suitable outfit is that riding outfit, and that doesn't really feel correct for this well i think she packed a gown with her or something but i'm worried yeah i'm worried it's the see-through one it's okay for amsterdam it is not okay for this event oh i don't know a bit of a randy lot the old aristocracy oh my god so kinky yeah the duchess's room alone that dildo room but maybe if you're high society that doesn't even make you blush that's just run-of-the-mill well this is it everyone has one how's your dildo room um vanilla like a room with all of your gold and um family heirlooms like ducktales and he

dives into it that's a niche reference but loved it's not a niche reference but i loved oh good okay good what like dildos handed down through the generations that's a niche reference but loved it's not a niche reference but i loved oh good okay good what like dildos handed down through the generations that's lovely this was my grandmother's she used it every day now that you're 18 we can hand this down to you for you or the air oh like the leather ones having tide marks on it tide marks what's that it's a tide you know like when things get wet on leather and it kind of leaves like a line. Like when you put a stick in a river to see how deep it goes. Oh, God.

Ah, Great Aunt Delilah was so deep. Four yards. Four yards? That's quite far, isn't it? That's ridiculous. Reasonably far, yes. Four hectares. Okay, are we ready then?

Should we go in, so to speak? Let let's go in as deep as delilah okay i'm going to start reading do it belinda blink three chapter three dinner at the Belinda stood to the side of the large drawing room. She and the Duchess had been served drinks by the footman and were waiting for the first guests to make their way down to dinner. Belinda's mouth dropped open. And what went in? She recognised the man walking through the doorway. Who do we think it in? She recognised the man walking through the doorway. Who do we think it is? She recognised him? Yeah.

Peter Rouse. He turns up everywhere. I was going to say it can't be Peter Rouse. He's got no connection. It's not Peter Rouse. Sir James Godwin? It was her chief executive. Sir James Godwin. Of course,, Sir James Godwin.

Of course, because Sir James. Yeah, high society. He strolled nonchalantly across the room, looking very smooth in his puce dinner jacket. Puce. That's an unusual selection. What colour is puce? Like the colour of a bruise. It's quite regal though, isn't it? Purple. The only three guests so far, Barbara Linda, I presume, are the Duchess, the Duke, and Sir James Godwin.

What a bunch of crackpots, honestly. If I were Belinda, I'd be like, I'm gonna go. Not feeling great. Got a cold sore. Madame Cold Sore has reared her ugly head. Good evening, Duchess. Belinda. Nodding his head at them both. Good evening, Sir James, said Belinda, attempting to make small talk. Well, good evening's a great start, then.

She's already stumbled. I've used up all my topics, like good evening. She just stands there, nervously and silent. Good evening, Sir James. Have you motored down from Windsor this evening? Why does everyone motor?

I know. I feel like he's used that phrase before. I feel like it's the dawn of the motor car, wherever they are. Poop, poop. Poop, poop. No, no. Clarence and I were doing a bit of clay pigeon shooting Down in Dorset Had a devil of a time getting back up here

Traffic's terrible Always terrible Someone's head in government will roll for it He is good at small talk She got so much there from so little a question He's gone little issue to big issue In just a matter of sentences. Belinda, now's your chance to ask a question, to expand on that.

Maybe ask about the weather. There's no time, James. At that precise moment, Belinda's vagina started to tingle. Oh, who's got the remote? It was one of the bullets. Yes, we know that. Duh. She breathed in deeply

and looked at the Duchess. That dastardly Duchess. That dastardly, dastardly Duchess. She was smiling playfully at her and mouthed the words, Feeling good. Sorry? What?

Feeling good. Oh. Feeling good. Give her a second. She's only just buzzed it. That's like those people who ring you and you don't pick up and they ring straight away. It's like, well, if I haven't seen that missed call,

I won't have seen that second one either. We're like, give me a second. I'm guilty of that. Oh, you're a fucking pain in the ass for that. It's like, give me a sec. She was smiling playfully at her and mouthed the words, feeling good. What was that?

Feeling good. Belinda silently replied. And what did she say when she silently replied she said yes my lady but she silently did it so I'm not sure how we say that on the podcast

they're just mouthing to each other this is great audio to be fair it was written as a book that's true that's true so James is there

chatting away and Belinda's just like is he not thinking like what is she sorry did you want to go talk to somebody else there's only four people here yeah he's literally talking about the demise of the british government she's

like going feeling good belinda silently replied yes my lady at that moment a tall stately man entered the room oh it's the tall stately man he's not the one who like ran the tombola and made the jokes is he the tallish man belinda blink's not the one who ran the tombola and made the jokes, is he? The tallish man. Belinda blinked. Has she done that yet in this book? Yeah. Oh.

Clarence, the Duke of Epsom, husband of the Duchess. Full CV. Was not as she had imagined. That's not in his full title, is it? Husband of the Duchess. His Royal Highness, husband of the Duchess? His Royal Highness, Husband of the Duchess? OBE. Clarence, the Duke of Epsom,

Husband of the Duchess, was not as she had imagined. Has she not met him? No. She's heard Bella's tale of him and his time in Rhodesia. Oh, Rhodesia. He loved Rhodesia. Clarence, meet Belinda Blumenthal

She's the one I told you about Belinda, my husband The Duke of Epsom Said the Duchess In case you didn't know that was the Duchess Well, you've made it very clear But the voice is an added bonus Belinda, deeply curtsied.

Oh, God. Oh, I bet she's got good thighs, actually. I bet she can really squat low. She's got the strength, hasn't she? The lower strength. He looked her up and down hungrily. Oh, God. Clarence is such an old perv.

They all are. Sir James Godwin. Yeah, that's true. He looked her up and down hungrily and turned back to his wife. And didn He looked her up and down Hungrily And turned back To his wife And didn't Look her up and down

Hungrily Quite The Duchess Also I love that Dad's been like He wasn't how she imagined But has given us No description

Of what he was And also Doesn't he entirely Fit the bill That Bella gave This is exactly What I imagined What I've got

Is absolutely textbook old fuddy-duddy fusty duke this is what i thought i was gonna get the grand old duke of epsom and when he was up he was up he's never up and when he was down he was down that's why she's got the dildos never up so when he's halfway up what is it it's a classic semi yeah oh my god the grand old duke of y of York is about erection. I think it might be. No, it's not. The Grand Old Duke of York had 10,000 men, famously.

Had them. That's more than you, James. 10,000 men? He had them hungrily, Alice. This was before Tinder as well. James is like, where's this event? I want to go. Hey, it's the dog to the Grand Old Duke of York.

So to clarify, are we saying that nursery rhyme is about erections? Yeah, I think so. That would make sense. Yeah. They just don't tell you about that in kindergarten. Oh, sure. Okay. Belinda deeply curtsied.

He looked her up and down hungrily and turned back to his wife. The Duchess gave Clarence a bored smile and pressed the remote in her pocket. Belinda stiffened to attention immediately. At least someone's stiff. Her vagina was once again vibrating, as the silver bullet did its dastardly work. Do you think it's making noise? Do you think everyone's like,

what the hell is that? Seems to be coming from your genitals. Maybe it's got some settings, like Christmas lights, like there's a sporadic on-off buzz. Like a kind of random pulsation. Yeah, exactly. It's like a root canal at the minute. She'd love a root canal down there,

wouldn't she? Oh my God. A root in her canal, more like. A canal as deep as Aunt Delilah. Great Aunt Delilah. Sorry. Like the Aswan Dam or whatever it said earlier on. Aswan Dam!

You've been talking to rocky we both love geography that's the relief of maficking all over what is the as one damn that's one damn you can see it from space you can't you can't see anything man-made from space okay not from space did the as one damn sing you don't turns no that was Aswan sorry you just sound like someone who'd do a track

with Pitbull Aswan Dam featuring Pitbull or surely like Ariana Grande featuring Aswan Dam Aswan Dam man blue can't travel

I hate to break it to you boys but you can actually see it from space really so and where is it trusty Wikipedia

was your source there I like that you just get off your high horse because you were wrong I'd like a formal apology You can actually see it from space. Really? And where is it? Trusty Wikipedia was your source there. I like that. You just get off your high horse, because you were wrong. I'd like a formal apology. It's across the Nile. Okay, cool.

It's now known as the Aswan High Dam. That might be why you didn't recognise it. Ah, the Aswan High Dam. Her vagina was once again vibrating as the silver bullet did its dastardly work. She grunted out loud. Belinda couldn't stop the reaction. Pardon? said the Duke.

Excuse you. Better out than in. Pardon? said the Duke. Oh, I apologise to you, Lord Duke Clarence. Surely not right. I only meant to say how good looking and stately you are. What, and it came out as, whoa. Yes, well, it is bred into us, you know, as aristocrats.

These voices, though. Too much. Just not my cup of char. Imagine, though, if there's an ensemble scene later with everybody and you've got to do all the voices you've created. They're like crows. God, it just gets through me. At that moment, Belinda was whisked away by the Duchess

to meet the remaining guests. Oh, thank God there's some more people. Yeah. The first, Tara Gold. Oh. Of course she's got gold in her name. Was a television executive and journalist. Really?

Then she was introduced to the Duchess's dear male friend, Mr. Jim Walters. Julie Walters. Jim Walters, CEO of Apollo Security Agencies. Agencies. Why are there so many agencies? Is that a government programme? I love Jimmy Walters. Lastly, she met Mr Norman Asquith,

OBE and city banker. And his companion for this evening, the one and only Ciara Montague. Oh my God. Fashion designer to the rich and famous. To the rich and all famous. Ciara? Ciara Montague.

Ciara? Ciara. Ciara? Ciara. C-H. C-H-I-A-R-A James has never heard of it and didn't like it

Chiara Montague well we'll never forget her autumn winter 2016 will we it was great just waiting for this year's Oscars everyone's wearing Chiara Montague

oh my god oh my god so wait right these are even better names than the RSMs so I thought everybody was supposed to be

from the upper echelons of society. There's some TV producer. Who's the one that sounds a bit like a porn star? Tamara Gold. No, Tara Gold is the TV executive. And journalist. And journalist.

And or journalist, depending on what work she can get. You can't really be both, can you? Well, maybe she works for BBC News or something. Don't excuse your father. Then we've got Mr. Jim Walters. Only Mr. But't excuse your father. And then we've got Mr Jim Walters, only Mr, but he's a CEO. Then we've got Mr Norman Asquith, OBE. And my favourite, here she comes.

And we've got Ciara Montague, who's the fashion designer to the rich and famous. Oh my god. It's not even a name! Where did he get it from? Ciara? I think Ciara is a name. Okay. If your name is Ciara, or you know a Ciara, please get in touch. get it from? Ciara? I think Ciara is a name. Okay, if your name is Ciara, or you know a Ciara, please get in touch. If your name's Ciara Montague, I mean, you can be on the show every week.

We've got a footnote space for you. I think Alice's cold sore's got a new name. Oh, look. Ciara. Little Ciara Montague. So, we've got Ciara Montague, fashion designer to the rich and famous. Of course. At each introduction and with perfect timing,

the Duchess pressed the remote, sending Belinda into the primary stage of meltdown. Which famously is the worst stage. The primary stage. The tertiary stage is very manageable, but the primary stage. The primary stage of meltdown. Never heard that to describe an orgasm is that what it says on the switch though do you turn it to primary stage of meltdown defcon 4 meltdown nuclear winter but she gritted her now flushing pussy. What? No, I'm no vagina expert as we've established.

But you can't grit your pussy. I guess he means like how you grit your teeth. Like kind of just like, you know, grin and bear it. Like, you know, I'm going to get through it. Like clenched it? Yeah, maybe. Like pelvic floor vibes. Sure, but I wouldn't say you can grit it.

There's no, there's not really a jaw down there as such. There's no teeth. There shouldn't be teeth. But she gritted her now flushing pussy as well what's that well I guess it is flushing because all the blood has rushed to it that's what he means isn't it after all there were too many interesting people here

for her to make a fool of herself albeit on the whim of her very close sexual friend the duchess take the remote off the duchess if you can do anything don't like clench your vagina or shoot them out like the d Duchess did in Claridge's. They're very easily removed unless you put them up your anus. When they will be lost forever.

Oh, no. I forgot they were going to be lost forever. Dinner was perfect. Oh, we're at dinner. Dinner's over. So many memories that we'll never mention. Oh, the events. If walls could talk.

If someone had a pen and paper. Oh, wait, you do. If someone could weave a tale of this night. Dinner was perfect. Belinda found herself sitting between Norman Asquith and Jim Walters. Well, surely everybody sat with everybody else. There were only about four people there. They were well matched,

as they knew of Steeles, Potts and Pans. And Belinda found the heady mix of security and banking very interesting. Oh, you cried the gamble. Everyone knows about Steeles, Potts and Pans. She was the headliner at the O2. Hello. Oh, yeah.

Sorry, Millennium Dome building. Millennium Dome building. Everyone needs a walk. She wondered if she was being headhunted by both these men at the same time. Why would she be? If you're a banker, why are you headhunting a pots and pans executive? Security, though. Maybe she can, like, use a pot and pan to, like, raise the alarm.

Scare away the burglars. Something's popping up. Jamie, Jamie, Alice is reading over your shoulder. I'm not. That's the first time you've... Do you know what that means? Alice is finally into the book enough to want to know what's happening next. I'm not.

Not even bothered. Can't prove it. Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need. That's why you need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance. Zensurance does all the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered for what you need. And coverage starts at only $19 per month.

Visit zensurance.com and secure your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zen Insurance. Mind your business. After an exquisite pudding of trifle... A pudding of trifle! That's not posh. Oh, I guess. Is trifle posh? No. Is pudding posh? Don't you say dessert if you're posh? Pudding, anyone? Who wants some pud?

My dad always says, what's for pud? When my mum puts down the main course. So she's slaved away over dinner and he goes, what's for pud? And it's supposed to be a joke. But I think she really hates him. My nana calls it sweet. Oh, a little sweet. What are you going to have for your sweet?

What's for sweet, Wilbur? Tinned fruit, Mum. Do you remember, though, when we were kids, when tinned peaches and yoghurt, that was like the height of sophistication. Obsessed. Yeah, or a viennetta. Oh, we weren't allowed that.

Oh, no, James, that's a bit nouveau riche. We didn't do that. You wouldn't love viennetta. Very much tinned fruit and cream. Yeah. Oh, no, honestly, when Mum used to get the Viennetta, for special occasions. Oh, of course. That and a Sara Lee Black Forest Gato.

Sara Lee! Sara Lee, babe. Not inhale, babe. Sara! Yeah, whipping out a Viennetta for a special occasion. Oh. Mint choc chip. He ate the whole block.

It was just like a big breeze block of ice cream. It was vile. It was so gross. Ice cream. But you know that I'm really partial, don't you? To Viennetta? You know there was a rumour at work that I ate a whole one on my own with a spatula. Did you start that rumour? No, I...

Yeah, by eating a whole Viennetta. That's not a rumour, that's just a story. I very much tried to shake that rumour, but it follows me everywhere that I go. I mean, I'm sure no one will ever mention it again now you've mentioned it on the podcast. Didn't even know they still made viennetters. Oh yeah. The original is still wonderful

and it comes in that presentational tray. Oh my god should we have a viennetter tonight? I'd love that. I've got some in the freezer. Oh my god let's go for viennetter. After an exquisite pudding of trifle. Oh is it trifle? Come on. With the aristocracy at least eaten mess. Or Epsom mess.

Oh it'll be a bit of an Epsom mess in a minute. It'll be a hot Epsom mess. Or spotted dick or something that's appropriate for this. After an exquisite pudding of trifle, the guests mingled for fun. No more of that mingling for work. Let's mingle for fun, guys. Okay, come on. Belinda drank some Chardonnay.

Of course she did. And sought out the company of Ciara Montague and Tara Gold. You would, come on. Belinda drank some Chardonnay. Of course she did. And sought out the company of Ciara Montague. You would, you would. Ciara, Ciara, come here. Come on, Ciara. She's always looking for a new glee team, isn't she? She likes to find two girls in the crowd. These are going to be like posher and better than fucking Giselle and Bella.

I mean, anyone's better than Giselle and Bella. She can never introduce them to Bella. No. No, no, no. Can you imagine? Hello. Oh, my God. Who's that woman?

I don't know her. Hello, Chiara. Can you give me some of your designs, please? Oh, she would not dress Bella. She chatted loosely to them. Loosely. Everything she does is loose. All the while waiting for something to happen deep inside her.

So what do you do, Belinda? Asked Ciara. I sell pots and pans for Sir James. A kitchenware for a major distributor. Why didn't she say that? I sell pots and pans. As a saleswoman, not very good at selling herself. Yeah.

Although she did mention Sir James. That's quite good. Little name drop. I sell pots and pans for Sir James. Oh, not that lecture. Pardon my French. Lecture? Lecture?

Oh, yeah. Literally no spelling. It's not French. It's also, what is a lecture? A lecture's like a lech. Oh, a lech. Okay. Is that the longer version?

I don't know. Yeah. Lech is abbreviated from lecture. It's a lech. Okay, a lech. Is that the longer version? I don't know. Yeah, lech is abbreviated from lecher. It's just so long. Just need a quick version. Oh, not that lecher. Pardon my French. I'm totally tired of telling him to make contact with my half-sister.

What? Context, Rocky. What are you talking about? We don't add things we've never heard about before. But maybe he's going to tell us now. I'm totally tired of telling him to make contact with my half-sister, Penelope. Does that name ring a bell? No, just posh, I think.

Oh. She's the top purchasing executive for the hypermarket chain Five Car in France. What? Okay, two things. What? There's a hypermarché in France. Do not say hypermarché. There's a hypermarché. Hyper? A hyper- There's a hypermarché in France. Do not say hypermarché. There's a hypermarché.

Hyper. A hyper-oo. A hypermarché. Oh, an hyper-oo. What the hell are you two talking about? It's not hyper-oo, babe. It's hyper-oo. No, but there's a hypermarché called four-car-ay, right?

Oh, four-car-ah. So what? He's called it five-car. Isn't that right? Yeah, that is right. I love the way he avoids brands. It's like Special J all over again. I just respect that he's like, you are not going to get me on some technicality because

I've used your brand name. She's the top purchasing executive for the hypermarket chain Five Car in France, but he keeps telling me he hates frogs. But she's not French. No, I think her half-sister Penelope's French. Oh, her half-sister. Yeah, I think so. But he keeps telling me he hates frogs. But she's not French. No, I think her half-sister Penelope's French. Oh, her half-sister. Yeah, I think so. But he keeps telling me he hates frogs. I don't know if anything to do

with them. Is that racist? I think so, yeah. Oh, so James Godwin is of the racist. He's so Brexit. Toes voted out. Yeah, he totally voted out, didn't he? Belinda's eyes then rolled to the top of her head. To the top of her head? To her hairl the top of her head. To the top of her head?

To her hairline. To her crown. While she grabbed her vagina, trying to stop the bullet from vibrating free of its moorings. Okay. So much. So much. I thought she was outraged by the xenophobia.

I was like, yeah, I'm rolling my eyes. Why does he give a fuck where they're from? The state of her. She's like grabbing a crotch while her eyes are literally on wires out of her head. Popping out. Mournings. Does it just have loads of nautical ropes? And like, what's holding it in there? I don't know.

I'm in the primary stage of mayhem. Oh, no. Oh no! Oh God! Shrieked Chiara. What? I think Miss Belinda's ill. Oh. Her eyeballs are hanging out of her head.

Belinda tried to steady herself, but her vagina was now awash with her own juices. Oh God. A what? Wet. Oh, God. A what? Wet floor sign, please. She's had a delicate swash. It got worse. She could now feel both bullets moving all over the place.

Oh, God. Like into her lungs. Oh, God. Why can't she breathe? Indeed, one of the little buggers had even gotten as far as a G-spot. Little buggers had even gotten as far as a G-spot. Little buggers. How much are they moving like? They're not little critters.

They just buzz. They're not travelling all around. Have you ever seen The Mummy when the Beatles run around in this outfit? Yeah. It's like that. Her watering eyes landed on the silently cackling Duchess, who was gleefully stroking all the buttons on the remote like a xylophone. Oh, God!

It's like pressing all the buttons on the left. Ring, ring, ring. But also, like, I feel as though there's probably, like, a red one that does something really, really terrible, and she's just like, la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Perhaps it was a chick in Kiev. I'm sorry, what? Have we missed a page?

Mused, Sir James. Are there two pages stuck together? So they have chick in Kiev and trifle. That's literally what I had when I was a kid. That was dinner. Fuck me. Perhaps it was a chick in Kiev, mused Sir James.

If they're not defrosted properly, it can induce food poisoning Through salmonella Defrosted? What a grand dinner Damn those kitchen staff They've always held in for us rich people Oh I tell you what

This is how we'll get rid of them Let's not quite defrost the chicken Kiev. What kind of idiot doesn't know how to defrost a chicken Kiev? Well, you'll find out. If it's still as hard

as a hockey puck, probably give it a bit longer. Don't you put frozen chicken Kievs straight in the oven? You don't defrost them and then put them in the oven. That's probably where

they've got the food poisoning. They've left them out. She hasn't got food poisoning. She's got the bullets. Oh yeah, that's true. They're speculating that her odd behaviour is that induced by salmonella. She looks like she's going the bullets They're speculating that her odd behaviour Is that induced by salmonella

She looks like she's going to vom You shouldn't look like that In the throes of pleasure, no Each to their own, but you shouldn't look queasy Well, I think we've all had our fill anyway Said the Duchess With that, the Duke Clarence made a toast To the Queen and everybody

Grieffully retired for the night That was the end of the night? What? Oh, Blinda's going to chuck toast to the Queen and everybody gleefully retired for the night. That was the end of the night? What? Oh, Belinda's going to chuck up. To the Queen! See ya. This is all just distraction techniques.

So the Duchess is like, yeah, let's all go to bed. Boom. I get my time with Belle. Dessert? That was just a starter. Oh. Back in her chamber, Belinda removed her clothing. Her magnificent breasts tumbled out.

Tumbled, sure. Why not? Tumbled implies to me there's more than two. Like a whole sack of teeth. Her nipples, free at last, started to swell, responding to the chemical signals her vagina was sending to her brain. That's science. That's as technical as Rocky's ever gone, wasn't it?

Now for the science part. The nerves and receptors were firing. The brain was responding. She needed a good fuck. Oh. Oh, Jesus. Of all the things she needs, that's not high on the priority list. Remembering the earlier words of the Duchess. Only i am allowed to fuck you oh yes belinda decided to wander through the ante rooms to her

chamber there's seven rooms she's like setting out on a massive journey to the ante room puts a parker on gets her ice pick The chichi tunnels to the Duchess's ante room She's got her moon boots on right She's got those sticks That you use for the serrano fives Belinda decided to Wander through the ante rooms to her

Chamber she only got as far As the sex toy room when she had an Idea Belinda took the long necklace with the nipple clamps and put it on, carefully adjusting the clamps to give a small but decent sensation. I knew we'd see that necklace again with the nipple clamps. And sooner than we wanted. Much sooner. There was no need to go too far over the top, especially after what she'd experienced earlier that evening. Oh, yeah, she must be knackered.

She then chose two heavy silver chains, again with small clamps attached to their ends. Everything's clamped. Isn't it? That can't be comfy. Is that like a toe line? Is she going to clamp one end to her and one end to the Duchess and run around the room? For safety purposes. A bit like you were saying, like mountaineers do, don't they?

It's the buddy system. Sexual buddy system sexual buddy system one she attached to her vaginal lids and the other she attached to her nipples so she's kind of attaching it to her

they've got like bulldog clips on and she's gone gone for the lids and gone for the nips bulldog clips how many things has she got attached

to her nipples that's what I mean is she putting clip on clip it can't all be on nipple clip on clip Her ball-toe clips. How many things has she got attached to her nipples? That's what I mean. Is she putting clip on clip? It can't all be on nipple. Clip on clip. Oh, clip on clip. Belinda was pleased her nipples were so extended that they could accommodate both the necklace

and the glistening silver chain. They're like a finger. You're fine. Or a rivet. And then a bird perched on the air just to finish it off a coat it's like snow white but with the nipples finally she chose two long dangling earrings each ending in a heavy golden penis which pulled her earlobe to their maximum length they would they're solid gold, bloody hell.

She'll nick those, put them in her bag. Seriously, she'll never have to work again. Imagine taking them to the pawnbrokers, though. She'll accidentally drop those into her bag of bras and thongs. Pawnbrokers, so. Her outfit complete, she collected one of the more attractive strap-on dildos, pulled on the ebony penis handle and jangled her way through the Duchess's

rooms. Jingle, jangle. Guess who? She probably comes through and the Duchess is going to think Santa's coming. I hear those sleigh bells ringing. Belinda is coming. Belinda is coming. In more ways than one.

Watch out. Look around. Blumenthal is coming. Blumenthal is coming. Sexual arousal is what she brings. Tis Belinda, it's always the real thing. Blu, my doll is coming. Blu, my doll is coming.

Oh my goodness. Oh my God, and then she's on the back of the truck waving a dildo. Always Rocky Flintstone. Oh! Those adverts are going to mean a whole different thing now. And Santa winks at the end on the back of the truck. You know, he's got those eggs in.

She found the Duchess stretched out on her four-poster, reading a high society horse magazine. What have I just got? A four-poster bed. You are the Duchess. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. All you need is horse and hound. And one magazine

away. And a Panama hat and a huge range of dildos, but you know. My lady, whispered Belinda. Oh my god, why can't they talk in full volume to each other? At least they're making a noise. They've just been silently mouthing for a whole evening. My lady, I have come to please

you, and for you to please me. She lay down beside the duchess and started to fondle her breasts oh well do origami with them they are paper thin the duchess sat up and said no miss Belinda

oh I'm completely exhausted oh and we have a very full and riveting day tomorrow rivet No more action tonight. Rivet, rivet. No more. Oh! What? That's a bit rich.

Well, it is, Alison. Do you know what it elicited? Belinda blinked. I'm not surprised she was like, I've got all these fucking clamps on now. I've got to get them all off. I'd have scoffed. Never mind blinked. I'm not allowed to fuck anyone else and you're off to bed. Just reading a horse magazine.

I'm going to Chiara Montague's room. Chiara. Crest fallen. Belinda slowly made her way back to her chamber. How embarrassing she's put all that effort in. I know. Leaving all the chains attached to her body. Oh, sure.

To sleep. She would sleep with them on and enjoy them in her exotic dreams and damn the Duchess. She is livid. Livid. And so am I, because Dad spelt damn, D-A-M. Aswan Dam.

Aswan Dam. It's the total callback. The Aswan Dam Duchess. It is the ultimate callback. It's also the callback the Aswan Dam Duchess it is the ultimate callback it's also the end of the chapter oh my god Belinda's fuming isn't she though

Belinda's balls are going to be throbbing aren't they oh my god they'll be like low hung I feel like that's going to create a bad atmosphere for tomorrow yeah because she could have been with chiara she could have found out more about tara jimmy oh jimmy jimmy walters little jimmy walters the lesser spot of jimmy walters so she didn't get to explore she didn't get to uh do the mingling perhaps she would have done just for fun just, obviously. Just for fun.

Great work again, Rocky. Great new names as well. Yeah. Ciara. Ciara and Tara and Jimmy and Norman. Have you done everyone's voice yet then? You've not done Tara? No, Tara didn't have a speaking role.

Unfortunately, she's yet to get her SAG card. Well, I hope she does. Oh, yes. So you know what we're going to ask? Yeah, next chapter. Oh, yes. So you know what we're going to ask? Yeah, next chapter. Yes, please. Okay, the next chapter is called A Topless Ride. Well, I think we know what that's about.

Well, you think you do, and then that won't ever happen until the end. She'll be like, I'm sorry, the wind's chafing my nipples. I've got to put them away, and we'll never actually get the topless ride. Maybe it's just a soft top car. Oh yeah. Maybe it's not even a breast out situation. No, he's not that clever. No offence.

I mean, it is an erotic novel after all. Is there a book where a woman rides a horse? Lady Godiva. Lady Godiva. Was a topless horse woman, I believe. A topless horse woman. I wouldn't be surprised if we weren't seeing her in the next chapter. I have a feeling Belinda's eye is going to wander because her attention span is short.

Yeah. Who do you think is going to be her next conquest? It's got to be Ciara. Do you reckon? For sure. I've not got a doubt in my mind. Okay, we'll come back next week, everybody. Find out if Ciara Montague shall become Ciara Montague Blumenthal.

Oh, God, they'll go all the way. They'll get married. married well maybe they will get hitched in one chapter probably it'll be like there's a lovely dinner as was the marriage what sorry the kids were happy in secondary school grammar school come on stop chiara uh yeah so come back next week in the meantime get in touch if you like pictures post them on instagram tag us in them at my dad wrote her we're on facebook just search my dad wrote a porno and twitter at dad wrote a porno famously all of our handles are different and if you want to email us it at my dad wrote a porno at gmail.com it is indeed and don't forget as well you can buy belinda blink three oh my god of course you can we haven't talked about it yet i just assume't. I just assume the knowledge is there. No, you can go on Amazon and all those good,

like even iTunes, I think now, and buy my dad's piece of writing. In its original form. Yeah, the way he wanted it to be enjoyed. Not like this. All of our added extras, our quips. Not included. Our critiques.

That'll cost you extra. Approximately the price of a free podcast. But yeah, you can buy his book. Please do. He'd really appreciate that. Has he upped the price now? Now it's like a, you can buy his book. Please do. He'd really appreciate that. Has he upped the price now? Now it's like a big balance of pay. It's 50p.

And by all accounts, that is the final stage of mayhem. See you next week. Are you self-employed? Don't think you need business insurance? Think again. Business insurance from Zensurance is a no-brainer for every business owner because it provides peace of mind. A lot can go wrong.

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