My Dad Wrote A Porno - S3E4 - 'A Topless Ride'

Episode Date: June 19, 2017

Belinda and the Duchess spend the day with the riding set at a showjumping competition. Later, things get a little raunchy before events take an unexpected turn... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno Lastly, she met Mr Norman Asquith, OBE and city banker. And his companion for this evening, the one and only Chiara Montague. Belinda tried to steady herself, but her vagina was now awash with her own juices. Wet floor sign, please. Indeed, one of the little buggers had even gotten as far as a G-spot. Perhaps it was a chick in Kiev, mused Sir James.

If they're not defrosted properly, it could induce food poisoning through salmonella. Defrost it? it properly it could induce food poisoning through salmonella hello and welcome to my dad wrote a porn i've got alice hello and i've got james sup oh street james thank you not enjoying it how are we both how are you jam, Jamie? I'm very well, yeah. I'm kind of getting used to the fact that we're doing this again. The fact that we're now reading... Book three, I know. Book three, we're playing the Sydney Opera House.

It all feels a little bit surreal. And the fact that people are frenzied for more. Because there could be a moment where Rocky just says, you know what, I'm done. Like, I'm moving on to my next thing. We pray for that day, David. We pray. The whole family.

And somebody will hear us. Sadly, not Rocky thus far. like I'm moving on to my next thing we pray for that day we pray and the whole family and somebody will hear us sadly not rocky thus far but uh you know we can live in hope but we do in a way have to ration it because who knows when it will dry up this is the thing you know because these four books are the pure ones we want to enjoy them for as long as we can you know we don't want to just like rush through them and then we're like oh it's like eating through all your chocolate at Christmas absolutely we are basically what my dad did at the Millennium. Which was? Which was stockpile so many canned goods

that he basically cleared out three supermarkets in Manchester of canned goods because he was convinced that the Millennium bug was going to basically shut down the world. Starve you all. So he was like, we've got to be prepared. And the cellar was literally just like stacks and stacks of corned beef, meatballs in tomato sauce. It's not worth living. Honestly, I was like, I would rather die in a nuclear holocaust.

Wipe us out. Sounds like a dinner at the Duchess's house. Maybe that's where he got the inspiration, who knows? Frozen Kievs, you know, the lot. Oh no, nothing frozen, James. Right, okay. Everything was in a can. Those flour tortillas had to stay above ground.

Did he have an Anderson shelter then? He pretty much made a little, yeah, air raid. Do you know a bunker i would not want to be trapped in his rocky flintstones bunker um yeah so we want to kind of make these books last so does that mean that he's actually quite practical if you went on camping holidays and stuff has he got the survival instinct he is super practical actually is he yeah well he was a builder for a while wasn't he have you been camping with him we did go camping quite a lot as kids but one day um in the middle of the night the tent set fire because the electric blanket that my parents were using to keep warm got damp as it would do you know on the floor of the ground how did they plug it in to the car

um so are we excited about delving back in? Where did we leave this world? The Duchess was like, you can only sleep with me, and then went to sleep. Oh yeah, mildly scandalous. Maybe she just meant actual sleep. Like, you can only actually just sleep with me.

Right, okay. You can only sleep with me, and I can only sleep here. Night! Oh God, snoring away again, Yvette. Oh yeah, because she's got all the sinus issues, hasn't she? She's quite loud. Yeah.

And what was, is the name of the chapter something about the next morning? This chapter is called A Topless Ride. Oh yeah, Lady Godiva stuff. Oh yes. So we think that perhaps this isn't the end of the liaison. We think this is a pause rather than a full stop. Not, not much sex so far i would say what in the book in general yeah i'm pro that in the trilogy in general i feel like as the books

are going on rocky's forgetting about the set he's just getting bored he's getting bored oh well i do apologize sorry it's a waste of your time rocky sorry you're the one leading the narrative here rocky you can literally do what you want all right right, should we jump in? Let's jump in. And I believe Belinda will be still clamped. Oh, do you think? Oh, yeah. Okay. Belinda Blink 3, chapter four, a topless ride.

Oh, Alice, I'm sorry. What? Don't tell me there's been a passage of time. Nine o'clock came and went. Oh, for fuck's sake. As it tends to do. Every day at the same time. Nine o'clock came and went. Sorry, is that GMT?

Yes, I believe so. BST, anyone? Just BS, I think. Pure BS. Belinda ate her breakfast, dressed as instructed in her horse riding clothes and a weary looking duchess

joined her 10 minutes later looking ravishing in her full equestrian gear. Did she look weary or ravishing? Wearily ravishing. Ravishingly weary. Now that's a look. I'm ravishingly weary.

She looked knackered but she was fabulous. God, those horse riding clothes are getting their money's worth. She's wearing them all the time. Not yet though. Not money's worth yet.

They were five grand. That's true. She needs to wear them every day for about four years. I forgot they were that much. What a joke. Oh God,

these books are so stupid. Is that just dawning on you this whole process is stupid why are we sat in the dark what's happening why do we do this it's so weird isn't it it's such a waste of everyone's potential think what we could be doing it's like just normalized behavior now we're just like this is just what we do why can't you just come around for dinner like a normal friend just don't hang out it's sad actually it is actually shall we plow on they set off to batwood park batwood park is that a place it is in this book bat shit crazy park they set off to batwood park where the under 19s lady show jumping what's on earth under 19s how much under can you be an under 19 lady I feel like ladies earned in your like 40s I'm a mini lady James you're a lady every day thank you why do you always say that on days excuse me you always say

you're a lady right Jesus you've been rehearsing that no as it happens but you always say you're a lady. Right? Jesus. You've been rehearsing that. No, as it happens. But you always say, oh, I wonder why they didn't call me again. And we're like, because you kept referring to yourself as a lady. I'm a lady. Okay. I only refer to myself as a lady when the gentleman friends want to take me home on the first date. And I'm not that kind of girl. Are you fucking kidding me?

Yes, you are. But also stop, stop calling yourself a girl. It's horrible. You're not that kind of girl because you're not a girl. But you are that kind of boy. You are that kind of boy. You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying, Alice?

And nothing for a free Uber ride, am I right? Look at him. Look at his old face. I think I only said it once on one date and you guys have taken it to be like what I say on all I don't write it on my like Tinder profile

I don't write I'm a lady okay well you're definitely not an under 19s lady so they set off to Batwood Park where the under 19

ladies show jumping trial event was taking place oh it's a great event it's one of I would say it's one of the better ones and so easy to say

honestly one more time at speed. And so easy to say. Honestly. One more time at speed. Really? They set off to Batwood Park where the Under-19s Lady Show Jumping Trial event was taking place. Oh, come on. Great party trick. And that is how you read Rocky Flintstone. Thank you.

With your eyes closed, wincing as fast as you can, pretending it's not happening. On arrival, the Duchess seemed to know everyone. and Belinda was very impressed with her professionalism. Professional duchery. Is that what it's called? Yeah. Knowing people is now a skill on LinkedIn. Well, I guess if you're royalty or connected to royalty, your professionalism is meeting the people, the small people.

Yeah, meeting and greeting. So was it like a proper event where she'd be given flowers? Or cut the ribbon or give the rosettes, yeah. Is Princess Anne going to be on a trek? Stop saying that. Gin and tonics with plenty of ice were served. To the under-19 ladies before they get on the horses. Yeah, girls, double gin and tea.

Only one year group within that under-19s bracket could accept them. Gin and tonics with plenty of ice were served and the first round started. The ten contestants lined up and the Duchess pointed out Penelope Pollay's daughter. I'm sorry. Who the hell's Penelope Pollay? Who the hell's Penelope Pollay? Who the hell's Penelope Pollay's daughter? Penelope Pollay. I guess she might be the sister of Chiara Montague.

Why? Because it's a French name, Pollay. You're forgiving your dad a lot of things here, Jamie. Well, it's obviously Chiara Montague's sister's daughter. It's the niece of Chiara Montague. Isn't that obvious? Pollyanna Polligoo always takes part in the...

So Polly Pocket's daughter's taking part in the... How are you spelling Penelope Pitstop? How are you... So Penelope as per, and then Polly as P-O-L-L-E-T. Oh. Okay. So the ten contestants lined up and the Duchess pointed out Penelope Polly's daughter.

Takes after her mother, I do have to admit, said the Duchess. What does that mean? We'll find out, won't we? Will we? Probably not. And speaking of which, Penelope should be here by now. On cue, a small disturbance to the left of the stand saw an extremely beautiful and sophisticated lady enter the seating area. The seating area.

I feel like it's Penelope Pitstop. Extremely beautiful. This is the first time someone's been extremely beautiful. Like Parisian chic, I'm thinking. Massive sunglasses, probably a giant hat. You're just describing the Duchess. She wore that Panama ensemble. The Duchess jumped up

and waved her lace handkerchief at her. Fuck off. What year is it? She's on board the Titanic. Goodbye. I say. I say. The beautiful lady smiled

and sat directly behind the Duchess and Belinda. Why didn't she just sit alongside them? There might not be any space next to them, James. It's a very busy meet. It is the Under-19s trials, for God's sake. Yeah, go on, what's it called? Go on. It's the Backwood Park Under-19s Ladies Show Jumping Trial Event.

Oh yeah, sorry, the B-P-U-N-L-S-J-T-E's. For sure. Oh my God, how was that harder for you to say than me saying the entire sentence? Not easy, this narration and monarchy, is it? No, you make it look so hard as well. My lady, my apologies for my ladyness. Oh God, we're going to get complaints.

That's quite good. This can't go well from here on in, can it? My lady, my apologies for my ladyness, said Penelope to the Duchess in a whisper that only Belinda could also hear. That only Belinda could also hear.

The Duchess... I'm so sorry, only I can also hear it. The Duchess replied equally as quietly, My Mistress Penelope, do not worry. You are just in time. My Mistress Penelope? Oh.

Belinda blinked. I bet she bloody did. She doesn't know what's going on, does she? Why are they whispering? There are large outdoor events. Like, they're not going to be disturbing anything. If somebody catches a whiff of this, it's quite controversial. Oh, it's going to be

the scandal in the Dales. Yeah. Keeping up appearances, isn't it? She's supposed to be happily married, the Duchess. Do you think it's public knowledge

that the Duchess likes to play for both teams? I think probably in her circles, but maybe not in the wider world. Oh my God, the sun on Sunday

would have a field day with this, wouldn't they? So specific on Sunday. But the Express would defend it to the hilt. Yeah, that'd be... The Guardian wouldn't give a shit. Honestly, this would be a big tabloid exclusive. A scoop.

What publication does Tara Gold work for? Because she's a journalist, isn't she? I presume everything's off the record. Yeah, surely. Those love eggs. She's either the worst journalist ever who's like, I can't seem to get any stories. Or she's being very discreet.

Tara Gold has got such a big story when she gets back to London. Belinda blinked. It's a drink. Mistress Penelope, please let me introduce my mistress Belinda. The one I've told you about. I'd be a bit peeved if I was someone's mistress and I get introduced to another mistress. I'd be like, I thought I was your only mistress.

But you can't though, really, because you're a mistress already. So you're already being a little bit underhand. I'd want full faithfulness as a mistress. If they're doing it with you, James, they're doing it with somebody else as well. That's probably true. I like those ideals though. I will let you cheat're doing it with you, James, they're doing it with somebody else as well. Oh, that's probably true. I like those ideals, though. I will let you cheat on your husband with me, but I want you to be an upstanding person

in this relationship. Penelope took Belinda's hand and whispered, Welcome to our exclusive club, Mr. Belinda. Enchante. Enchante. Does any French person actually say enchanté? What does enchanté mean?

Well, I'm enchanted, no? Yeah, enchanted to meet you, pleased to meet you. Oh, lovely. I'm sure many do. Yeah, but it's like... I mean, they normally just spit on your food and tell you to F off in Paris, but, you know. And that's good serving. I tip generously for that, James.

To be fair, as Brits, that's more than we deserve. Yeah, true. After we've gone un the baguette uh and cafe au lait they must be like fucking philistines messy let's see my mistress penelope oh don't do franglais don't do like half english half french replied a slightly shaken belinda catching on extremely quickly catching oning on to what? How to say merci. That she was French. Think I've got it. Merci, merci.

The Duchess turned to Belinda, winked at her and said now let's enjoy the jumping. Yes. That's it. No more chat. No more whispering. There's only what you more chat. No more whispering. There's only what you can hear. I love the idea, though, that at that point,

they just start jumping up and down. Oui! Katrina Polley jumped her heart out. Jumped her heart out. Bless her little cottons. And came a very worthy eighth. Eight out of ten? Worthy.

C'est très mal. Merde. Merde. A very good result for her, Penelope. For her. That's so patronising. That's such a great result for her, actually. Said the Duchess.

Now let's have a glass of cold Australian Chardonnay in celebration. So, the jumping's over? Well, it is the under-19s ladies' showjumping event. That is the definition of an anti-climax. Penelope Pollay laughed and replied you English are always the same with your ice cold Australian chardonnay.

No we're not. Guys, how many times have we been there with the ice cold Australian chardonnay? It's so British. It's their nickname for us isn't it? Oh it's the ice cold Australian chardonnay. Why isn't it? The Australians are known for it. Hang on it was Chilean last time oh shit it is usually chilean oh he's changed his tune between book one and three he's changed his provider his tastes have changed oh my god

is that a more acquired taste an australian chardonnay he's got a new world i think technically chile is also classed as new world. I think technically Chile's also classed as new world, but... Penelope Poday laughed and replied, you English are always the same with your ice-cold Australian Chardonnay.

Ice-cold! Belinda laughed and moved the subject onto steel spots and pans. As you would. She's a smooth little mover. Thank you, Belinda. Back to business

as I wanted. Oh, certain more, Belinda. I've no problem giving you a company a trial. If you can organise to see me in my offices in Paris, we can get started. Oh, God, that was easy. Belinda nodded her head enthusiastically. Hang on, what does Penelope Pollet do?

What line of business are the Pollets in? Right, so Pollet's obviously Chiara Montague's half-sister. How do you know that? Who worked at Five Car Oh yeah, yeah, you're right I think also You will need to make it to Novenahtstub Nisipo

Nisipo! I love it! By 6.30 that afternoon Don't even finish the conversation Also 6.30 is not in the afternoon, I would argue. By 6.30 that afternoon, having seen Miss Penelope Polley's daughter Katrina win the Best Effort Prize...

Katrina Polley is total shit. It's such a fucking slap in the face. Money can't buy your skills, you know what I mean? Best Effort. That means she sat on the fucking slap in the face. Money can't buy your skills, you know what I mean? Best effort. That means she sat on the fucking horse. Probably backwards. That also means that we've missed the award ceremony. Oh man, did she even get a rosette for best effort?

Oh God. By 6.30 that afternoon, having seen Miss Penelope Polley's daughter Katrina win the best effort prize at a respectable dinner, Belinda and the Duchess were motoring back up to Epsom. You can just say Katrina now. Also, how quickly are we passing through time in this book? So they've had a dinner.

There's been an awards presentation. Yeah. We've had a whole night of sleep. Oh, but please tell me what the journey back to Epsom was like. Because that's what I want to know. Jesus. Tell me where Penelope sat. Yes, please.

It was another glorious early evening. Oh, now it's early evening. Afternoon. It's 8.30 now. Oh, my God. We lost another two hours like that. It was afternoon in the same paragraph as it's now early evening. Blink and you fucking miss it.

It was another now early evening. Blink and you fucking miss it. It was another glorious early evening so the sunroof was down letting the warm breeze blow their natural hair behind them. Oh God. What do you mean? Natural hair. They've got their weaves in tonight.

No extensions with these two. Oh my God. And he really is telling us about the car journey. I was joking, but that's all we're getting. Oh, that is brilliant. This is idyllic, Miss Belinda, said the Duchess as she slipped her hand onto Belinda's covered breasts. Don't distract the driver.

Did you say hands plural? Hand. Okay, she's got one on the wheel. I don't know who's driving. Maybe it's one of those driverless cars. She slowly opened Belinda's shirt and unclasped her bra. From the front? Oh, maybe she's got one of those maternity

bras that you can just undo in the middle so you can whap out a breast at any turn. Belinda's breasts did what they did best. Flopped out. breast at any turn. Belinda's breasts did what they did best. Flopped out. And tumbled forward. Tumbled forward. Into the Duchess's grip.

Oh. Grip. Into those wizendold hands. The vice of a hand. Is it like when you take a tray table down on a plane? Unclasp and let it tumble forward. Pull forward. Put my drink on that oh god steady yourself bony fingers clutched the bare flesh and gently massaged it i'm imagining it like a gnarled twig around a peach when in snow white the wicked witch holds the apple 100 that's what I'm picturing. No, I just think

she's got very long, glamorous, thin fingers. Bony. I think that's what he means. Bony. Bony. That's what he used.

That's what he used. You know when your joints get a bit sore? Mm. So I'm imagining that, like a bit, a bit sort of like crooked. Yeah.

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Visit zinsurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes. Zinsurance, mind your business. Belinda concentrated on her driving whilst enjoying the attention. So Belinda's driving. Belinda's driving with her boobs out, sure. So it's a convertible,

so there's not even really any privacy. So anybody driving past can see all of this going on okay fine tops down tops down i love the creative approach would have been for the topless ride to have been on the horse but no fuck it we'll make it in the car kind of negates the whole point of the horse thing. Oh yeah, that was a total red herring. After 20 minutes... 20 minutes! Just honking at the boobs. The Duchess pulled down Belinda's jodhpurs and started to work on her G-spot.

Okay. You can't do that while she's driving. She's got her foot on the accelerator. Also, do you feel like Dad's kind of discovered things as he's been writing the books? G-spot's new, isn't it? Yeah, and I feel like clitoris was a new addition

in book two. Never clitoris, always clit. Clit. It's not that hard. So he liked the cervix. So it was very much the cervix in book one. Yeah.

Clit came into book two and now he's obsessed with the G-spot. So he is learning along with us all. Or at least with James. So where is the G-spot? Isn't it not the clitoris? No, no, no,'s inside oh okay don't say inside the g spot is a state of

mind the g spot's in your soul no one knows if the g spot's real well actually some people say it's not don't they yeah but it's not real well't they? Yeah. But it's not real. Well, they say like it's not. It's like a figment of the male fantasy. It's make-believe. That you can have like a button that you press that, you know, magically pleasures a woman. Oh, right. Not you, James. No matter what button you pressed, you couldn't.

I mean, you're the lady, so you have the cheeseburger. Yeah. There was no hurry. And fortunately for the now half-naked Belinda, there was absolutely no lorry traffic and very few cars. No, not that infamous lorry traffic. Those HGVs are not grinding my gears. If there's an Eddie Stobart on the road,

I will be furious. I love an Eddie Stobart. Oh, people keep tweeting us that there's like lorries going around with a fully naked woman holding pots and pans. I've seen that on Twitter. I'll have to post it.

But yeah, loads of people have spotted it and they're like, oh my God, and it kind of looks like what you'd imagine Belinda to look like. She's dark haired, isn't she?

Yeah, she is. She's kind of hot. All right, well, that's each to their own. Belinda did have to stop for fuel, but as it was an attended service station, she felt she didn't

have to button up. What does that mean? It means that there was a person who was doing the... Did they do that? Yeah, in the country, people still fill up your car for you. Okay. Surely if someone's coming up to your car to fuel up, that's when you cover yourself up. Oh yeah, that makes no sense.

Oh yeah. It's a soft top. She thought she'd give the lad serving a decent tip. Tip. Tip. A tit tip. A good view of a tit he once said ahead of rocky though oh actually a good view of a tit's vagina and clit which the duchess helpfully exposed when directed i'd be like a fiver do vagina tit clit what the duchess pointed them out like jenny powell of the wheel of fortune what a reference Vagina Tit Clit What they're just

Pointing them out Like Jenny Powell Of the Wheel of Fortune What a reference Jesus How old are you? That's so funny Read that line again

I'm imagining She's doing it with a pointer Like professors do In a presentation Or a laser pen Exactly That would be ideal Or you use in our live show

Thank you Tickets on sale now That will not entice them alice does a really long presentation she points at vaginas that's not your cup of tea don't bother so she thought she'd give the lad serving a decent tip a good view of a tit's vagina and clit which the duchess helpfully exposed when directed she's so helpful okay so now you just give... So now you show the clip. And do you think she gets a bit mad if she doesn't remember what her cue is?

It's like, that's the clip. Fucking hell, how many times do you have to rehearse this? Point up my tits. They both hoped this would make his Sunday lunchtime in the local pub with his unruly and randy contemporaries. How do they know anything about him? So judgmental. Fuck off off you patronizing bitch you just slashed me a clit and you think you know everything about me you street urchin just

filling up our tank oh i'm so thankful for seeing one of your tits i'll go back to my philistine friends now shall i go back to your oiks she and the duchess enjoyed his reaction to belinda's bare body and giggled filthily when he overfilled the Duchess enjoyed his reaction to Belinda's bare body and giggled filthily when he overfilled the car by not paying attention to his task. He was probably gagging. He's like, oh my God. He overfilled the car with his own vomit. Belinda turned into the Duchess's long driveway

and steered the Mercedes into a small glade and parked. Wait, so we've left the petrol forecourt then? Yeah. We've driven quite a way. I'm already home. Well, he finished his task, you know. She smiled at the Duchess and thanked her for a brilliant weekend

whilst removing the Duchess's red coat, cravat, cream shirt and brassiere. He is racing through, isn't he? Usually that would be a paragraph apiece. He's obviously got loads to cover in the future. He's like, oh, I'll just get this weekend out of the way. Is there a TV series or something that he was really into at the time?

Is there something that was pressing? Or sport? There must have been a sporting event that he wanted to watch. Also, how would we be spelling duchesses? I would say it's duchess, D-U-C-H-E-S-S, apostrophe S. So he's put D-U-C-H-E-S-S-E-S. The duchesses. The many duchesses.

A car full of duchesses. A car full of Duchesses. A car full of Duchesses is red coats, creme shirts and brassieres. Oh, it's very confusing for everyone. Naked, except for her boots and jodhpurs, the Duchess lay back on the passenger seat and let Belinda gently lick her clitoris. But wait, how is she licking through the jodhpurs?

I don't know. Because technically she's just topless. gently lick her clitoris. But wait, how is she licking through the jodhpurs? Fucking hell. Because technically she's just topless. Jodhpurs are trousers, lest we forget. Oh yeah. So it's just like wetting her crotch. Unless she's sort of like put the top of the jodhpurs

over her head like a hood and she's gone in from the top. Or just the flies are undone. There aren't really flies on jodhpurs, they're like stretchy leggings. Oh right. There's no flies on jodhpurs. Belinda then pulled her riding crop

out of the glove box oh fuck how big's the glove box is it a foldable riding crop retractable and flicked its scarlet end

onto the Duchess's vagina ow okay so let's just presume he's got confused and doesn't know what a Joppa is so they're off

I think the Joppas are off they must be off must they so she flicked its scarlet end onto the Duchess's vagina, and that's many Duchess's vaginas. I'm not sure. All the Duchesses of the world.

That's going to hurt. I was just thinking, I can't imagine that to be pleasurable. Well, Alice, she moaned in ecstasy, calling out for more. Belinda obliged her, but never altering the tempo or force of the riding crop. It was a stimulant and nothing more. What does that mean? After 20 minutes of this punishment, the Duchess was a quivering wreck.

Her legs were now spread as far apart as she could make them and her massive nipples, three inches, were... Don't mind if I tell you. ...were shivering with anticipation, much like Jack Dawson on that door. Oh, my God.

There was plenty of room. Don't get me started again. Oh, no, sorry. No room. Full. She could wait no longer. Who? Please, please, please, Miss Belinda,

bondage my breasts and nipples as you have my vagina and clitoris. Sorry, so she wants her to whip her all over, but she's mainly just been punishing the clitoris vagina area. That's like the bass drum. Can I get some hi-hat on that? The boobs are the symbols because they're so flat. Does this make... It's like whiplash.

The final scene. Fucking hell, she is going to have whiplash Is she rushing or dragging? That's the question Plainer like a drum kit Oh my god What? You're not going to believe this James

No I'm not You are literally rocky Belinda gladly obliged her Tapping her tits One after another Like a tight snare drum in the lord mayor's show no shut up you are kidding me in the what lord mayor's show yeah in the lord mayor's show the mayor of where so she was tapping her tits one after another like a tight snare drum in the lord mayor's show but each time getting closer to the areola and eventually the nipples themselves it is part of

the nipple surely yeah and also those nipples are kind of like historical artifacts they need to be in a museum they shouldn't be touched with hands or whips delicate white gloves if anything shed loads of school children should be visiting them by rise. Drawing them in the museum. Etching. You know when you do those etches? A little brass rubbing. Oh, God. Just trace them, children.

Do your interpretation of the Duchess's nipples. God, this is going to be on the curriculum one day, isn't it? I can only hope. I say, Mistress Belindainda I'd like to spread my rather longish legs off the dashboard The lady with the longish legs She loves a fish Screamed the Duchess Off you go again

I say Mistress Belinda I'd like to spread my rather longish legs onto the dashboard Oh my God. Jamie just acted that out. Screamed the Duchess. You nearly put your longish legs on the dashboard there.

Why, yes, of course. How silly of me. I've always thought this Mercedes model had very short footwells. Replied Belinda hospitably. Oh, for God's sake. A deep, resonant groan emanated from the prostrate duchess. It sounds like she's turning into some sort of demon.

Something's like coming out the portal has opened it's like that being Ghostbusters 2 god it's a portal to hell oh my god one of the nicer reviews of the book on Amazon a deep resonant groan emanated from the prostrate duchess. She gushed copiously as her orgasm climaxed. And Belinda wiped the golden liquid off her right eyelid.

Golden? Oh my God. Why is it in her eye? Piss. So has she squirted or has she pissed herself? Stop saying piss over and over. If it's golden and it's not urine, there's an infection. That's just discharge, Annie.

That's not right. That is a pussy discharge if you've ever heard of it. Baby girl, that's not right. Also don't say pussy discharge. Another fetish. Do you think he just Googled list of fetishes and he's like throwing them all in? Well, you know, heads of state, the aristocracy are quite big fans of the old golden shower.

Well, there was that, you know, alleged story about Trump in Russia. Jamie, that was fake news. Absolutely never happened. I'm an actual germaphobe. Oh my God. The Duchess's voice is the same as Donald Trump. Oh my God.

That's unbelievable it's fake news i don't want to hear it very sad very sad i've just read belinda blinked very bad i think that's fair the first sensible thing you said now that's not fake news so she gushed copiously as her orgasm climaxed. But this is a rough, rough sentence. It's a rough ride. I'm going to read the sentence, but no one can speak after it. Can we just move straight on?

Okay, yeah. A deep, resonant groan emanated from the prostrate duchess. She gushed copiously as her orgasm climaxed and Belinda wiped the golden liquid off her right eyelid. Fuck me. The duchess's steel-tipped boot heels moved up and down the

walnut-veneered dashboard, leaving two scratches leaving two scratches etched deeply into the polished surface. Shit, that's not good. That's a new car. It damaged the company car. It's not good. That's a new car. Damaged the company car.

It's not actually Belinda's. Guys, the car hire company would have a fit, Belinda thought. It's not car hire, it's her company car. She doesn't hire it long term. Well, it is leased, probably. Yeah, it's probably leased. Can you imagine if they are renting a car by the day rather than just getting a lease car?

I wouldn't be surprised. That has got Bella written all over it, that kind of business that you're in. It costs a shed tonne to rent a car and they're like, oh no, we've just been doing it by the day. Oh, just keep extending it. Just extend it.

It's 100 a day plus insurance. I thought that was normal. The Duchess was now orgasming each and every minute. It's not contraction. She's not having a baby. She might be. She's giving birth to the Antichrist. Bel It's not contraction. She's not having a baby. She might be. She's giving birth to the Antichrist.

Belinda's up there. She's like, you're quite dilated actually. The car seat was becoming wet with female juices and the sounds of her slipping and sloshing ass was starting to drown out

her orgasmic moans. Sloshing? Sloshing. She's in a paddling pool of her own juices. It's not enough to slosh. Don't be ridiculous. So the car seat was becoming wet with female juices and the sounds of her slipping and

sloshing ass was starting to drown out her orgasmic moans. It couldn't have gone on forever and Belinda eventually pulled her own clothes back on and threw the red riding jacket over the now delirious Duchess. Just covered her over. Like a cadaver.

And that's it. That's her. I love it. It couldn't go on forever. It didn't go on forever. That was it. She kept repeating to Belinda how she had never had a car ride just like it and now fully understood why you rode in cars.

Has she lost her marbles? What is she talking about? Oh, my God. I've never had a car like it. Now I know why I'm riding cars. It's getting a bit The Shining, isn't it? She's going to, like, bang down the ante room's door later on and be like, here's Dutchie.

Belinda carefully drove the last couple of hundred yards to the mansion as the Duchess was in no fit state to wear a seatbelt. She parked round the back and left the still-naked Duchess writhing on the gravel. Oh my God! With her clothes strewn around her. What? Now that's not a lady. She just dumped the body. Clarence dumps all evidence.

She's just ejected her. But she left the still-nakeduchess writhing on the gravel with her clothes strewn around her. There's something really undignified about it being gravel. I mean, that's just painful. After all, she had staff and servants for this sort of thing and Belinda had to get back to central London. Come on!

That is cold. That is ice cold from the middle. We're spending ice at the meet. She likes a woman like she likes a wine. Ice cold. I'm sure the butlers didn't sign up for like wiping down the duchess. Scraping her off the gravel. They're going to hose her down.

Oh, well, she likes being hosed down. Surely you've got five minutes to get her into the building. Get her through over the threshold at least. But guys, she has to get back to central London. Yeah, of course, but she's your nearest and dearest. She's your mistress. The Duchess regally waved her wrist. Regally.

She's on the floor, covered in gravel. Despite the sexually devastated state Belinda had left her in. Thanks ever so. All the best. Have a lovely journey. Belinda cheerily said her goodbyes and was gone in a whisk of a lamb's tail. See you then.

To London. Laters, milady. I really think the Duchess should get the rosette for best effort. God, seriously. Katrina came eight. The Duchess came several times oh girl

Belinda cheerily said her goodbyes and was gone in a whisk of a lamb's tail cheerily as well I love it she's like bye so bye then see you later

and when you drive on gravel it spits up loads of rocks so she's just gonna be cowering they probably won't find her she's going to be under a pile like the Samoyed oh my god she's going to look like the Samoyed oh god she is

what's the Samoyed? five children in it oh my god don't you know the Samoyed like lived under the sand and would like shimmy up out of the sand oh god and like grant wishes and shit he was like yeah

like a little like a genie kind of like a genie, but covered in hair. And natural, of course. And a bit kind of wrinkly. Paper thin breasts. Honestly, the Duchess is the Samoyed. I can't cope.

Okay, I'm going to show you a bit. So this is a Samoyed. Oh my God. Look at her bony finger. Bony finger. And I bet that's the face she was making on orgasm. Oh my goodness, right. I'm saving this.

We're posting it. Okay. Go to our Instagram to find that little gem. It's the breasts. You're right. The breasts and the fingers, they couldn't be more accurately described. Okay.

Belinda was driving fast, well over the speed limit. But after all, she was in the Duchess's territory now. And knew Lord Duke Clarence personally. So she was above the law. No, she's not. He's not in charge of the highways and byways.

I thought she was getting stopped. I actually know Lord Duke Clarence, so I'm actually fine. Just speeds off from the cop car. She negotiated the steep corners and curves like the Bond girl she truly was. Oh, my God. She's not a Bond girl. She's driving. I love that your dad's like, ooh, these tricks and these amazing stunts.

She's just driving. What? Suddenly. What? She's going to crash the car. She's going too fast. She's going too fast. Slow down.

Fucking slow down. Is this where Belinda dies? She skidded off the car She's going too fast She's going too fast Slow down Fucking slow down Is this where Belinda dies? She skidded off the road Fucking hell Smashing into an ancient oak tree Coming to a stop In a deep ditch No

No no Fuck off The noise was horrific What? What noise? And there wasn't a soul For at least 25 miles How far did she get?

She was going so fast. She lay there, motionless and unblinking in the smoking car. Don't tell me that's the end of that. It's the end of the chapter.

Yay! This is unbelievable. Belinda's going to die. Oh my God. Belinda's blinked for the last time. So what, do we think that she's dead? Injured?

Maimed? If he kills off Belinda, that is a really stupid move. Can you kill off Belinda in chapter four of Belinda Blinked 3? I'd ask for my money back. Either way, I can't imagine next chapter when Belinda's in hospital. It's going to be sexy. Oh, I don't know.

Doctors and nurses. Oh, do you think? Yeah, classic. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, I hope she's all right. I honestly am so shocked. Hashtag pray for Belinda. Let's hope she pulls through.

Everyone needs to hashtag pray for Belinda. Happy thoughts for Belinda. Let's hope she pulls through. Everyone needs to hashtag pray for Belinda. Happy thoughts for Belinda. The turnout at that funeral, though. Oh, wow. Oh, God. Every crackerjack in the land will be there. Well, I don't know what to say. I guess get in touch with us on Twitter.

Belinda's in a car accident. All you can think about is pushing the socials. You're disgusting well there needs to be a common place for people to come together and grieve okay so this week

the Twitter is the book of condolence share your favourite memories of Belinda I love that you're all ready to write her off already you're like we probably shouldn't

read her the next chapter she's definitely dead so yeah tell us your memories your thoughts how you feel on twitter at dad wrote a porno

we're on instagram my dad wrote her share your pictures of you dressed in black and if you'd like to send us a more extended piece maybe for a reading

at the funeral it's my dad wrote a porno at gmail.com wow so out of respect should we have a moment of silence? Oh yeah.

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