My Dad Wrote A Porno - S3E5 - 'Accident or Emergency?'

Episode Date: June 26, 2017

After last week's devastating clithanger, it's time to finally discover Belinda's fate... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno Suddenly What? She's going to crash the car She's going too fast She's going too fast Slow down

Oh my god Is this where Belinda dies? She skidded off the road Oh fucking hell Smashing into an ancient oak tree Coming to a stop In a deep ditch She lay there skidded off the road. Oh, fucking hell! Smashing into an ancient oak tree, coming to a stop in a deep ditch. She lay there, motionless and unblinking,

in the smoking car. Greetings. I've got Alice with me. Hello. I've got Alice with me. Hello. I've got James with me. With sympathy. The struggle is real. Is she alive? Is she dead? What happened in that car? I can't quite handle it. See this tear? It's been there all week. Your veil is very respectful, but yet beautiful.

Sexy. Oh, beautiful, yeah. Do you like my black lace gloves? That lace work is something else, I tell you. James is. Oh, beautiful, yeah. Do you like my black lace gloves? Wonderful. That lace work is something else, I tell you. James is very reverent at these times. And Alice, that lovely chapeau. Yeah, has Belinda gone to sexy heaven? I mean, if he kills off his protagonist, it'll be unprecedented.

Killing the cash cow. Unless she has gone to heaven and the rest of the books are set in heaven or hell, she's totally going to hell. James, heaven can wait. I'm sorry. That's jumping the shark, isn't it? When the book goes to heaven and the rest of the books are set in heaven or hell she's totally going to hell james heaven can wait i'm sorry that's jumping the shark isn't it when when when the book goes to heaven it's like fucking hell it's like crossroads and it all ended he was at the checkout it was all a dream oh shit it was wasn't it for international listeners a pretty crap soap opera reference the shittiest soap opera ever made it was kind of our dallas right when

he woke up in the shower. I think that's... Yeah, but it was even worse. It was like our Sunset Beach. I didn't know you were such a soap fan. I'm not. We were banned from watching them as children, but I know of them, James. I know of them.

Okay, sure. My friend Jenny was saying that Irish wakes are amazing parties because you're celebrating life. And I feel like Rocky would give her that kind of send off. Well, if Rocky was writing it, he said that an Irish wake had a lot of feeling but no emotion oh yes of course so we weren't sure of what that meant at the time and maybe we're about to find out oh my god no there's no way she's not dead she's not dead she might be a bit

mangled but she's not dead her leg might be at right angles but she's not dead all right yeah but in rocky's world just a passerby will, crack that back into place and she'll be fine. Yeah, exactly. A sophisticated thumbnail. It'd be like Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote. Like, she'll never die. Like, no injuries whatsoever. Yeah, exactly.

Do you think, though, if she is injured, she will milk it? Or, sexy incident in the hospital, doctors and nurses, anyone? Oh! I mean, that's's great except our prior experience with doctors was dr robbins so of course if he makes a comeback well at least if they grab a cervix they'll have the proper medical always read the instructions okay well should we get on with it then because i can't handle the suspense any longer to be honest the world needs to know yeah hang on maybe we'll get a clue from the chapter title about what's happened what's the chapter title okay belinda blink three chapter five

accident or emergency that's like a review of the whole book. Say it one more time. Belinda Blink 3, Chapter 5, Accident or Emergency. Did he put a question mark or is there no question mark? There is a question mark present. Question mark, semicolon. Okay, good. Oh, lovely.

One after the other. Sure. Unorthodox to the end. If it's an accident, it is an emergency. Yeah, but you can't really have one without the other. No. I think he just thought it sounded smart. I think he just thought that sounds really clever.

Sounds dramatic. Because he's like, people say accident and emergency, but I've spun it. So I'm going to say accident or emergency. It's AOE. It's classic AOE. Get her to AOE. Accident and or emergency is so good. Okay, are we ready?

Always. Is she dead? Is she alive? Oh God, if she's dead. Belinda's watering eyes slowly opened. Oh God, she's dead. Belinda's watering eyes slowly opened. Oh, God, she's alive. As she suffocated on the merciful airbag. Do you know what?

I've always said they're more of a hazard than a help. They can break your neck. They can break your neck. You could be choking on them. Knock your teeth out. She sat up in the car wreckage. Oh, it's a wreck. That's going to be a write-off.

How many cars have this company got through? Seriously, she can't mock Des Martin anymore. Belinda blinked. For fuck's sake. Her mind told her angrily. Her mind told her? Like it's a separate being. No, that's another fine messy gun that's into Belinda.

My mind's telling me it's angry. And her body is wet with desire, I'm sure. Well, I'm a bit worried about her body because that's a moneymaker, really. It sounds like she's okay if her mind's telling her, for fuck's sake. If her mind's not telling her you're bleeding out, it's instead going like, oh, eye roll, then it's fine. For fuck's sake, her mind told her angrily. A flat tyre. Well, what? There's only one thing for it. Sorry, it's not just a flat tyre. It said wreckage. The car's in two. There's no roof. If it's a flat tyre, I'm fucking off. Are you walking out? Honestly. A flat tyre. Well, there's only one thing for it. Belinda removed her dishevelled blouse.

Well, there's only one thing for it. Belinda removed her dishevelled blouse. Oh, that's going to help the flat tyre. And threw herself onto the ground. What? What are you on about? Flinging her hair back, she did her best damsel in distress act, making sure her tits were protruding out of her somewhat skimpy bra. She's crashed her car. Any reasonable human being is going to stop for it. They don't need to say, oh, she's got her tits were protruding out of her somewhat skimpy bra she's crashed her car any reasonable human

being is going to stop for it they don't need to say oh she's got her tits out she's bleeding all over oh but she's got some baps on her i don't think he's bleeding out she was on her knees for a good long while waiting for a passing. But at least her exposed breasts were keeping snug by the sun-blushed tarmac. Sun-blushed? Bless, he's tried there. He's tried. He's seen that on a jar, hasn't he,

and thought that's going in. I don't understand. So, okay, so she crashed the car. It's got a flat tyre. She's walked to the road to get someone's help. She's taken her blouse off and now she's lying on her breasts on the ground. But she's on her knees,

but her body's on the ground. Trying to pretend that she's like a damsel in distress. Sorry, why are you saying that? Like that's a pose that is typically damsel in distress. Isn't that what everyone does when they have a car crash? What, lie on the tarmac with the top off? No. No, no.

For a flat tyre. Alison, just flash a bit. No. No, no. For a flat tyre. Alison, just flash a bit of ankle. No one would stop. Oh my God, they'd speed up, if anything. If you were with your wife, she'd be like, we're not stopping. We're not stopping, Jamie. We're not stopping. You could think again.

You'd be like, no, we were going to stop anyway, love. You said you needed to stretch your leg. Oh, here looks like a good spot. This is the perfect picnic spot. And the famous words of Thomas Middleditch, put your hand down, Dirk. It's for charity, baby. But it's for charity, baby. So she's on the tarmac with her tits out, being a damsel in distress.

Sure. Two hours later. Oh my gosh, she's lost a touch. A 1960s Mustang. Of course. later oh my gosh she's lost a touch a 1960s mustang of course stopped next to her helpless body and out jumped marco origes marco origes marco origes did she recognize him was she like oh my god it's marco origes from that mexican film that i love it's marco riguez in his 1960s mustang marco riguez was brazilian oh brazilian and he knew it

thank god he's got his birth certificate. He knows where he's from. How do you break that to him later in life? Marco, you're not from Peru. You're Brazilian. That olive skin, it's not Spanish. Impossibly handsome. He was the living example that God was a Brazilian.

We've just been waiting for the example. God's a Brazilian. We've just been waiting for the example. God's a Brazilian? But this must be referencing, because Rocky spends a lot of time in Brazil, right? Rocky lives half the year in Brazil. Loves Brazil. I wonder if he's met the real life Marco Orrigez. Marco Orrigez.

Orrigez. Yes. Probably. Beautiful name for a beautiful man Well apparently so They're a very good looking people Oh yeah you're quite partial aren't you Alright Oh god

Please don't be fantasising about Marco Orrigez During the record James It sounds fit as fuck Yeah it does Oh god are you two totally into him It's got his number in the book For the first time You two are into

A Belinda Blink character sexually Well Peter Rouse Yeah we liked Peter before he turned all weird That would have been the first time, you two are into a Belinda Blink character sexually. Peter Rouse. Yeah, we liked Peter before he turned all weird. That would have been the first time we saw him then. Oh yeah.

With the bow, the mud symbols, etc. Look, beggars can't be choosers as we always say. He was the living example that God was a Brazilian. Full of poise. Poise on a man.

Makes it sound like he's wearing heels. Full of poise, impeccable manners, and, he thought, to die for in bed. He thought. A self-review is not worth the paper it's written on. No. He also didn't settle for the average. His taste in women was that of high class.

And the lady he had just seen lying in the middle of the road was high class. Was the definition of high class. Oh my God. Was a living example that God was a high class pots and pans saleswoman. Lying on the tarmac with her tits out. Nothing says high end like that, does it?

Everything about her was sexual. That i'd agree with well apart from the bloody wound on her head she's not bloodied all right it's a wreck it's a flat tire her mind told us oh that internal monologue that'll lead you astray everything about her was sexual from the quality of her clothing to the gloss of her hair, and the way she wore those riding boots. Okay, she's not wearing any clothing. I think the gloss on her hair is sweat and tears. And gasoline from passing cars for two hours.

He knew he had to have her. Oh, everyone always has to have her. And he knew she wouldn't deny him. He knows everything, doesn't he? He knows he's from Brazil. And he knew she have her. Oh, everyone always has to have her. And he knew she wouldn't deny him. He knows everything, doesn't he? He knows he's from Brazil. And he knew she was English. You must save me, kind sir. I have a flat tyre.

Not from what I can see, he said, in a perfect... Oh, no, he's Brazilian, isn't he? Sorry. Oh, yeah. Brazilian accent, please. Not from what I can see, he said in a perfect oh no he's Brazilian isn't he sorry oh yeah Brazilian accent please not from what I can see

he said in perfect English albeit with a slight Boston accent what he's a Bostonian Brazilian living in England

but he knows it and he knows it what's Boston that's like how do you like them apples that's like goodwill hunting get out of the car

get out of the car Get out of the car. Get out of the car. Get out of the car. I'm packing the car. I'd just go with you Brazilian. Really? Yeah. Do you think?

Maybe a bit sexier than what you just did. It was a bit like, Hello, Belinda, can I help you please? All right, James. Put a bit of gruff into it. Should I just forget that he's got a Boston accent? Yeah, I think so. Okay.

If Rocky reminds us again, we can incorporate it, but he'll probably forget in a few sentences this time. Come on, Jamie. God on earth. Not from what they can see. He said in perfect English, albeit with a slight Boston accent. Well, ignore that.

As he stared at her now heaving breasts. Nevertheless, Marco Rodriguez agreed to drive Belinda back to his central london apartment to check she had no internal organ damage i love as a chat blind the idea that you'd invite somebody back to your flat and be like just purely so we can check if there's any damage to your internal organs yeah sure i know your game you're such a player let me check your spleen oh yeah check it girl. As they thundered through the world famous scenic countryside. The world famous non-specific countryside.

The pair got to chatting freely. Oh good. Thank God they got to talking freely. I'd hate them to have a gun to their heads. You may not know me in person. No, famously they've just met. Said the Brazilian Boston voice. Just throw a little like moi in there every now and then.

You may not know me in person. Said the Brazilian Boston voice. I wish you could see Jamie's mouth right now because it's throwing all sorts of shits. Sounds like the Godfather. It's very difficult, guys. Can we just stick to Brazilian? Yeah, I think it's for the best.

But how's Bella? What? How do you know about Bella? Belinda blinked. He just said, you might not know me in person. How's Bella? Yeah. What?

Yeah. Shit. This is a twist I didn't see coming. This wasn't by chance that he drove up and picked her up. There's no way he shagged Bella. He doesn't think Bella's a classy bird. Jesus. He's got eyes.

But how do you know Bella? Come to think of it, how do you know me? Penny's dropped. Spluttered. The for once flummoxed Belinda Blumenthal. You'd be so scared. You'd be creeped out. Yeah, you would, wouldn't you?

You'd be like, I think this is my stop thanks stop the car stop the car I've seen it can't you see it's more famous I want to see it

I just jump out you know like that batting sister act where the ginger nun jumps out the back of the car and rolls along is that me

again not familiar but sure your reputation precedes you Miss Blumenthor the second I saw your tits in the wing mirror, I knew it was the Queen of Pots and Pots. Is anyone else getting a bit hot of the colour with Jamie's Brazilian accent?

Oh my. He's got a fat lip. He replied, thank you, bowing his head and smiling his deep brazilian smile deep brazilian smile i love that deep brazilian smile you were helpless and i was your brazilian prince charming stop reminding everyone that you're brazil We know, you know, it's funny. We know. I was your Brazilian Prince Charming. Here to save the day.

I'll be your Brazilian Prince Charming. Belinda smiled and thought, if he gets any more patronising, I'll smack him one. Oh, right. Potential customer or not? What? Potential customer. I guess What? Potential customer. I guess everyone's a potential customer.

To her. Yeah, you're right. He knew she was the queen of pots and pans. Also, I like that. You know, dad's often been accused of being a little bit old fashioned in his character development of women. But here's this man saying that he's his prince charming and she's saying to her, if you get any more patronising, I'm going to smack you on. That's quite good.

The old school fairy tale. She doesn't need it. She doesn't need it. She is Belinda. She is Belinda. She is Belinda Blumenthal. Do you think he was at the O2? Is that why he knows that she was Queen of Pots and Pants?

Well, he knows Bella, so maybe... I don't know. Where's he from again? He's from Brazil. Oh, right. Yeah, sure. Same place as God and Prince Charming. Belinda, I can see I've offended you.

I apologise. I love this guy. I've really enjoyed just watching Jamie read it. Not everyone I meet is as sharp-witted as yourself, said an intensely uncomfortable and now slightly worried Marco. Oh, he lost his mojo pretty quick. Belinda smiled and thought, he is handsome.

And if he's a lover of Bella, he can't be all that bad in bed. Why is that? Bella will shag anything. Literally anything. Clarence, for God's sake, I think she was about to go to bed with in book two. Oh no!

Continue. She mouthed whilst her tongue wet her lips to lick the lips then my business takes me all over the world and this week i'm in london athens and moscow you guys seem to be entranced by it You're not even critiquing it You're like, okay, read on I can't stop watching you

I just love it so much We have to really concentrate Because it's really hard to see what you're saying Oh, sorry I think you went to Reykjavik Where was it? Tehran My business takes me all over the world

All over the world And this week, I'm in London, Athens and Moscow. And Milton Keynes. I'm a world famous plastic surgeon. Oh! There's been mention of a world famous plastic surgeon. Has there?

That worked on... And I had the pleasure of Miss Bella's company in the good old US of A. Not too long ago. Wait, has Bella

had plastic surgery? I was there as a high-ranked guest of a guy called Sterling. What? Oh! He's got a monster prig where is that monster prig

when he went to Brazil what what oh god he did Jim Stoning's cocktom fun he's the doc that did the robo cock

fucking hell that's his shoddy handiwork yeah he's not a very good plastic surgeon that's his flaky jakey handiwork he might be in

Reykjavik and Saul and The Wirral this week, but he shits at his job. Wow, that's blown my mind. Yeah. God, I didn't think we'd be meeting Jim's plastic surgeon. No one did. You wouldn't return to the scene of the crime, would you? But also what's been really clever from Dan

is that he's actually threaded together the two cliffhangers of Belinda Blinked. Has he? Yeah. The cliffhanger before was that Jim had the monster dick, prick, whichever you choose to sing. And this is the person who created the monster dick slash prick. I mean, it seems like such an impossible coincidence.

I mean, talk about contrived. Wow. So he's talk about contrived. Wow. So he's done some work on Bella? No, I mean, I imagine that he met Bella when he was a guest of Jim Sterling, when they were all in Texas, USA. Oh. So I imagine that when Belinda was having meetings or was with Jim Sterling... Or with Hank Skank.

Or with Hank Skank, what was Bella doing? Probably seeing Marco Rodriguez. Okay. So maybe in the future we're going to. What was Bella doing? Probably seeing Marco Rodriguez. Okay. So maybe in the future we're going to get a flashback to her meeting with Marco Rodriguez. Oh, I don't doubt that. He's got to fill a chap for somehow, hasn't he? Jesus Christ, it'd make my head hurt.

I feel like I've had a car accident. Accident or emergency? Both. Definitely both. Are you self-employed? Don't think you need business insurance? Think again. Definitely both. this mindset hold you back from protecting yourself. Zinsurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit zinsurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes. Zinsurance, mind your business. I was there as a high-ranked guest of a guy called Sterling. Jim Sterling? Yes, obviously.

Squealed and excited Belinda. I know the feeling. You know of the little chap too? The little chap? He is a paginising bastard, is he? Has he heard of a little thing called the Hippocratic Oath? Patient confidentiality is key. You're so right.

He can't just be wanging on about it to any old Tom, Dick or Sally, can he? You know of the little chap too? Know of him? I've fucked him. I've had bits of him flop off inside me. Know of him? He's been inside me on more than one continent. At least, I think he has.

I've picked his cock out of my teeth. Oh my God. Oh God. Belinda murmured to a buzzing fly around her head. What? Like a cartoon? Yeah. She's now made friends with all the animals.

Oh, my God. It all made sense. Does it? Belinda owed Marco big time for saving her from Sterling's maggot cock in Texas, USA. Maggot! Maggot! That seems a bit harsh. Vol, please. Suddenly, a

comfortable silence settled between the two of them. Are we going to live it for real? Back at Marco's London mansion. Oh, God! She didn't go, wait, hang on, you did Jim Sterling's cock transplant and you somehow picked me up in Epsom?

Yes. Yeah, geographically bonkers. I feel like they've got an hour's worth of conversation out of that revelation and they just silently run into town. They're just comfortable in silence. Yeah. So back at his flat already in true Rocky style.

Back at Marco's London mansion block on Harley Street. Oh, so he lives on Harley Street. He does. Because he's a doctor. Yeah. And it's where all the doctors live. Does he work there as well? Does he live above his shop?

Clearly. It's not like having a flat above a laundrette. Belinda lay back on his wolf fur rug in front of a fake but very realistic looking fireplace. A fake fireplace? Yeah. With like electronic flames. I mean, they're never convincing, but she's not the brightest bun in the box, is she? I love that he's got a real wolf rug and a fake fireplace.

Where are your priorities at? He had given her a caipirinha cocktail and secretly hoped his semen tasted as bittersweet. Oh my goodness. There's a real clash of cultures in this flat, isn't there? Like the Wolf Road, the Caipirinhas, the fake fireplace. Well, he is classic Boston Brazilian, don't forget. So he's got to have a fusion. Oh yeah, where's the car? Get out the car.

Oh no. Bittersweet. But isn't that because it wasn't the blue semen bittersweet? Didn't it cut across her dreams because it was so bittersweet but isn't that because it wasn't the blue semen bittersweet didn't it cut across her dreams because it was so bittersweet I don't think it

tasted bittersweet I think she suggests like when you eat a pineapple and they say it makes your semen taste like pineapple I don't know

I just think it's disgusting what if you drink a caipirinha what does your semen taste like caipirinha I don't think

it works like that why do you think they call it a cocktail he'd know to be fair I know I know I don't think it works like that. Why do you think they call it a cocktail? He'd know, to be fair. I know. I know. That's why he plies all of his dates with pina coladas.

Penis coladas. Penis colada. Penis colliding. A penis colliding cocktail. Sorry, can I just... I don't give my dates penis colliding cocktails. Although it is a great idea and I'm excited. Belinda removed her red jacket. She didn't want wine stains or anything else for that matter spoiling it.

Well, she's drinking a Caipirinha so there's no wine. And it was far too new to be sent to the dry cleaners. I don't think they're, I don't think they're prejudiced. Yeah, they're not like, you got this last week, no thank you. With Belinda now half naked, Marco concentrated on her jodhpurs. Concentrated, I feel like he's just like staring at them intently. Come off. They didn't put up much of a fight, as they'd already been off earlier in the day,

and were getting to know the score, so to speak. Getting to know the score. He slowly and extremely gently traced a path with his finger up to the base of Belinda's vagina. Where's the base of the vagina? The base? Base camp. He planted a flag.

Everyone meet here after you got to the top. The base is so it can stand freely on its own. Yeah, sure. You can stand it up. Yeah, but where is it? Is it like underneath? I guess maybe base camps at the top, maybe. No, because Rocky calls the top of the vagina the top of the vagina.

So I think the base means like the gusset. The undercarriage. The undercarriage. In the cloaker. Excuse me? The cloaker. What? It's like the female gooch, isn't it?

Pardon? The underbit. The cloaker? Between the rectum and the vagina. It's the cloaker. That's what's like the female gooch isn't it pardon the under bit the between the rectum and the vagina it's the cloaker that's what your family called it so no google it no thank you i don't want that on the search history thank you let me just check hang on it sounds like a batman baddie the cloaker so cloaker Dictionary, which were the kids, you know. Which I go to for all my facts. Yeah, it's the combination of the vagina and the asshole. It's the combination.

They shouldn't be combined, really. Oh, wow. But question, tracing from where? He says it traces up to the base. So where has he been tracing? He slowly and extremely gently traced the path of his finger up, up to the base of Belinda's vagina. Yeah, from where? Where's the path gone? From the leg. He's been taking the trousers off, so he's come from like the knee to the cloaker.

The knee bone's connected to the cloak bone, as they say. All I know is that there, his finger stopped. Uh-oh. Just like a car at a railway crossing waiting for the barrier to be lifted. You can't use a level crossing as a sexy comparison. After a minute

his finger continued on its journey. A minute! Trains cast. Seriously? You're there. Your finger's there. Just going to wait for a minute. No, no, no, a minute. Oh, it's the 8.42. So it's this.

Traffic's busy tonight. Look at all these trains. It's the 7.46. I thought he'd lost a whole hand in the cloaker for a second, but it was a deliberate pause for breath. You never come back from the cloaker, frankly. You don't. Cloaker's going to get you.

Isn't it what the trunchbull has in her room? That's the choking. All right. I thought she was always locking them in the cloaker. Oh, my God. Imagine getting locked in Belinda's cloaker. Oh, my God. Imagine being locked in the trunchbull's cloaker.

Oh, wow. You never get out. I mean, Miss Honey's we can talk, but the trunchbull. The book and the film are very different meaning to me now. All I'm going to think about is Miss Trunchbull's clone. After a minute, his finger continued on its journey. The barrier had obviously been raised. Yeah, we get it. We know.

Belinda thought astutely as the very grateful Marco took the opportunity to pleasure Belinda's clitoris with his tongue. She relaxed. I bet she did. And let Marco's tongue do the talking. That's what does the talking. Rather than the clit though. She's like sure, sure. Suddenly and without any warning the Brazilian flipped Belinda onto her stomach and started tapping at her with a reflex hammer. What? Can't just whip out a mini mallet and start hammering at someone.

The third Belinda. Not yet, she said wickedly. Marco nodded, looking serious. Oh, it was such an aphrodisiac watching a man take his job seriously, Belinda's mind said. Oh, her mind. Shut up. No one cares what you think. Is her mind that fly from earlier? Also, he's a plastic surgeon, not a reflexologist. Him doing his job would be to take a Sharpie

and, like, do dotted lines all over a body. Take good note, you shoddy RSMs. Is that her thinking? Yeah. It's her stupid mind in overdrive. Oh, my God. Marco's final test was to ensure her heart had not been damaged in the car crash.

Oh, my God. And let me guess, he's like, I have to put my penis in you. It needs to go all the way up to your heart. It's a huge penis. If you feel it tickle your heart, you are fine. He placed the stone cold stethoscope onto her left breast. Well, that's not right for a start. No, it is. That's where your heart is. Not on your breast. Not on the tissue, no.

All he could hear was the thundering of Belinda's desire. Oh, something's gone wrong then. That's quite good, Dad. That's quite good. All he could hear was the thundering of Belinda's desire. Content, Marco returned...

Check! That's fine. That's normal. Seems fine to me. Content, Marco returned to ravaging a clit while she chewed on the soft, dark hair on his head. So like any good checkover by a doctor, he's like, heart's fine, back down I go.

Back to the cloaker. Yeah, exactly. Back to the cloaker. Stop mentioning the cloaker. I wish I'd never brought it up. It's like back to the future. Back to the cloaker. Belinda soon started in search of similar material

lower down his athletic body. So she wanted to chew his pubic hair. Or his back hair. Shoulder. Also, similar material. I know. That's not good, is it? She read his body hair like braille. Around his nipples and all the

way down to his snail trail to his belt. Has he still got his trousers on? She's reading it like braille what does it say it says take me belinda i'm yours i'm a god i am brazilian and i know it i'm extremely aware of it she cracked it off what excuse me the hair the cock the belt the belt the belt the cock the what she cracked it off and pulled his trousers and speedo trunks away from his torso. Why has he got speedo trunks on? Because Brazilian.

Brazilian, isn't it? They love it. His manhood sprang up before her. On its hind legs. Hi-ho, Silva. And she had to admit, Brazilians were well endowed. Well, you don't know if it's natural, do you? He might have done a little botched job on himself.

Well, Alice. That's true. Perhaps he had modelled Jim Jr. Part Deux on him. Is that what we're calling it now? On himself. Jim Jr. Part Deux. I mean, it's just too many bits. I prefer Monster Dick, thank you.

Perhaps he had modelled Jim Jr. part duh on himself. Anything was possible in the plastics game. What the fuck does she know? The plastics game. It's not the graduate, Dad. He doesn't work in like polymers. He's a plastic surgeon.

Belinda pointed at her boots and said help me take these off marco bent over took the first boot between his legs and pulled belinda pushed her foot higher and squashed his balls oh whoops he groaned with pleasure oh he liked that did he no that's gonna hurt yeah i don't think that's a good thing. That's when the pain goes up in your stomach. I was going to say, isn't that what makes you feel sick? Oh, yeah, it's the worst.

Crushing them. You shouldn't crush them. You can tickle them. I'd say you could cup them. At best, you could maybe squeeze them. Please, the image of you tickling walls is too much for me to handle right now. I can watch TV while I do it. Belinda pushed harder.

Marco pulled harder. And plop. The riding boot was off. One boot? Yes. I feel like I've been here all day. One boot? They repeated exactly the same procedure for the second boot.

He's devoted more time to getting these boots off than the whole car crash. With her toes finally free, Belinda very neighbourly invited his penis into her vagina. Would you like to come in? Do you want a cup of sugar? It's freezing out in your pub. Wipe your feet on the mat. Are you locked out? Come in.

She let him fuck her with vigour as Belinda picked up a fancy fireplace poker, struck him on the ass and started to scream in delight as he responded. This continued for at least the next five minutes. At least, guys. At least five minutes. 300 seconds.

The Brazilian's cock was now so big she couldn't help shouting out her desire. I'm a monkey! Love it! Give it me! A loud Knocking noise From the ceiling With the words

Shut it Brought her back To reality Where are they again? Who's upstairs? Are they in their grandma's house? No they're in the apartment Oh that's the thing

About having a flat Isn't it? Neighbours Like James is here Very noisy Very very noisy James Are they still being very annoying? They've been very well behaved tonight.

They have. And do you know what? I met them recently and they are lovely and I hope they never listen to the podcast. She choked back the next scream and bore out her pounding in silence. Eventually, Señor Rodriguez... Very formal all of a sudden.

...came and collapsed into her open arms. Oh, that's nice. Belinda grabbed Marco's still erect cock and took it into her mouth. Oh, gosh. What? It's less nice. I thought that he just came. He did.

But he's such a stallion. Maybe he's just always erect. Always ready to go. He groaned and stood his ground whilst Belinda attacked him with her lips, teeth and tonsils. Everything that she had at her disposal, the full toolkit. The tonsils. God, you're refreshingly good, Belinda.

He exhaled. So, so good. I want you to join me soon in Rio. Please consider it. Just consider it, okay? For the second time that afternoon, Belinda blinked. I definitely feel like it's the third time this afternoon. Yeah, it definitely is.

It is the third time. And with that inaccurate representation of the book, it's the end of the chapter. Oh, so good. So, Belinda isn't dead. Very much not. So, the car smash, I think you described it as, was literally a flat tyre.

Yeah. So, was it accident or emergency or a total waste of time, that chapter? Well, that could be said about any Bill and the Blink chapter, to be fair. But we met Marco and he's a babe. Oh my God, he's such a hunk. Are we allowed to know what the next chapter's called? Do you want to know? Always.

The next chapter is called Mr Klaus Bloch. Is that it? Oh, that's it. That's it. Mr Klaus Bloch. Is that it? Oh, that's it? That's it. Mr. Klaus blocked. What? Sorry? No.

Santa Claus? No. Where? No. Mr. Klaus Bloch. Okay. So, C-L-A-U-S, Klaus. Yes.

Bloch. B-L-O-C-H. Oh, like German. German. Bloch. Very German. Oh, ja. Well German, bloch. Very German. Oh, ja. Well, shall we reconvene next week, safe in the knowledge that she is, in fact, completely healthy.

She's been given the once-over. That stethoscope said that her desire is beating strongly. I could take this veil off now. Any excuse to wear it, to be honest. Yeah, I mean, get in touch with us if you are disappointed in what happened to Belinda. If you wanted her to be dead, get in touch. It's morbid. We'll do a poll. Did happened to Belinda if you wanted her to be dead get in touch it's morbid we'll do a poll did you want Belinda dead

at dadwroteporno on twitter and you are running out of social ideas so that will be quite useful oh my god that's going to fly off the handles I can tell if you like Instagram cars

pictures maybe you're not very good with the words at my dad wrote a we're on Facebook just search my dad wrote a porno and you can email us mydadwroteporno at gmail.com so just search my dad wrote a porno and you can email us my dad wrote a porno

at gmail.com so don't forget Mondays a porno day and Thursdays a footnotes day yeah it is check out our website for all our live dates

merchandise all that sort of thing my dad wrote a porno.com and you can actually buy dad's book as well on Amazon and iTunes and places so do buy that

support him because you know he has worked hard ish on these books. And he definitely appreciates it. When he gets all those sales coming in in Brazil, that really makes his day. Oh, yeah, he's in Brazil, isn't he?

Yeah. Oh, God, probably on a nudist beat. Like his cloak are hanging out. And there's an image to leave you with. Oh. Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing.

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