My Dad Wrote A Porno - S3E6 - 'Mr. Claus Bloch'

Episode Date: July 3, 2017

Belinda meets Claus Bloch at The Grosvenor hotel for an important proposal, a posh lunch. Oh, and sex, of course. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno... Belinda's watering eyes slowly opened. Oh God, she's alive. As she suffocated on the merciful airbag. Marco Origues

was Brazilian and he knew it. The second I saw your tits in the wing mirror I knew it was the queen of pots and pans Greetings all and all Welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno episode 6 I've got Alice Levine with me Hello And I've got James Cooper with me Hello Greetings, all and all. Welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno, Episode 6. I've got Alice Levine with me. Hello.

And I've got James Cooper with me. Hello. How are you both? Oh, James is in a bad way. Not having the best 24 hours. Go on. So I was cleaning my flat yesterday, annual clean. Honestly, it needed it. I was throwing out some rubbish. I had a big bag of rubbish. So I went to throw it outside, held the door open, but then had to come away from it to put the stuff in the bin.

And I just heard this click. The door had closed behind me and I got locked out. I've been locked out of my flat for the last 24 hours. I'm a nomad. I'm a wanderer. James, what were you wearing? My pyjamas. He wears pyjamas.

I was in my negligee. No, I wasn't. I was in like, I just had like jogging bottoms and a t-shirt on and flip flops oh my so have you just bought these clothes from a charity shop well luckily I had some clothes at my friend's house

oh these are yours these aren't these aren't like I would wear these normally oh right so I wasn't feeling great and then like I was outside my front door

trying to get back in and this kid across the street was like oi guy in the grey jogging pants what are you doing I was like oh god leave me so I just had to run away from my flat.

So you were hounded out of the city. He thought you were breaking into your own home. Yeah. No phone, no wallet, no keys. And we've all been away this weekend. Yeah. You weren't here. Alice was working. I was busy. Busy. Alice just wasn't answering the phone. She was busy at home watching Bake Off.

I was actually watching, they've added Party of Five to Netflix. Have they actually? So sorry, I had other things to do. So yeah, as it stands, I'm still not back in. I'm waiting for my neighbours to come back to let me in. So you had clothes, underwear and everything at this friend's house, which is weird. Not underwear. I have been wearing the same pair of underwear for three days now.

But it is me undies. And also, you're used to it. They're so comfortable. So my friends looked after me very nicely. I've been fed and watered. As long as you're not milking it, that's the most important thing. Oh, come on. He was at such a low ebb when he arrived, Jamie.

Honestly, I've never seen him like it. Then she gave me two quesadillas and I've put them right on. Oh, he's fine now. He's like, I don't need to move back in. So what's the next chapter called? So this chapter is called Mr. Klaus Bloch. Oh, yes! Yes!

German, right, we think? Do we think German? Oh, surely. Bloch. Well, he's very good at doing a stereotypical geographical name, isn't he? He's very regionally specific when it comes to naming people. Yeah, he is. I wonder what Bloch's going to block up, which hole he's going to block up.

Right, guys? Yeah, I mean, it could do with some work, but yeah, I like where you're going with it. It's the seed of something there, definitely. If you were Rocky Flitstone, you'd already have pressed print. The best jokes are the unfinished ones. Okay, well, should we dive in? Are we ready? Yes.

This is going to make my day way better. We can but try. Belinda Blink 3, Chapter 6. Mr. Klaus Bloch. Mr. Bloch will see you now, Miss Blumenthal. Right. Where the hell are we? We've skipped ahead quite drastically.

Yeah, where were we? Is she at the doctor's? Why is she like, we'll see you now? Oh, she's got an appointment. Is she finally getting checked out? Oh, she should. I don't think that's a desire of expertise. Belinda followed the manservant...

Oh, God, where is she? ...through the doors into a large morning room of the Grosvenor Hotel. Is that the kind of where you'd have tea? Yes. Right. And why was she in some sort of waiting room? It's called a reception, James. Manservant, that's from a different time. Well, I've never been to the Grosvenor Hotel,

so maybe they had manservants there, I don't know. Isn't that in London, the Grosvenor Hotel? Yeah. Yeah. It's very posh. Belinda was feeling deliciously excited about this meeting with her new contact i love that we've had absolutely no context about this man he's come out of nowhere we've forgotten about whatever happened last night it's almost like is this book four by accident have we skipped ahead belinda was feeling deliciously excited about this meeting with her new contact. The new contact... Repetition of new contact.

Is this chapter sponsored by new contact? The new contact was none other than the direct retail door-to-door and coffee morning organisation CEO and managing director, Klaus Bloch. morning organisation CEO and managing director Klaus Bloch. I literally nipped to the kitchen, got a cup of tea and made dinner in the time it took you to say that. You ain't fitting that on a business card, are you? You have to give two business cards. That's my name and that's my title.

Oh, so he's in charge of all those women, the ladies, Betty Wilkes, Vicky Williams. Yes. Okay. And it was his event at the O2 then. Right. So was that a giant coffee morning? At the O2? Yeah.

Is that what it was? Was it one of those charity like... A bring and buy sale? Yeah, tea and cake things. But that's in his title. So the famous new client was none other than the direct retail door-to-door and coffee morning organisation's CEO and managing director, Klaus Bloch. He's a CEO and MD. new client was none other than the direct retail door-to-door and coffee morning organization ceo and managing director klaus block he's a ceo and md both it's quite a small organization

yeah we're kind of all mds and ceos aren't we my toes the secretary of my business the child of young young Austrian sweethearts who had found themselves displaced by the war in Europe. Oh, God. Bloch looked around 49, was single. Around 49. Around the very precise age of 49. He looked around 49 and three quarters.

He had the air of somebody who was born in July. He looked around 49, was single, and successful in many different direct sales fields. He's a catch. Also, we've got more backstory to him than anyone else ever. Belinda. So he's Austrian. He's not German.

He's Austrian. Yeah, Austrian. Okay. Born of young Austrian sweethearts. Who were displaced by the war in Europe. As many were. Also, what a ridiculous simulation to put in an erotic novel. I'm going to get my rocks off.

Oh, yeah. How sad. The sound of music and Edelweiss. What a tragedy. And walking over the house singing. Not okay, hon. We literally know more about his parents than we know about Belinda's parents. No, we know that her dad sold wine.

Yeah, and her mum? I'm waiting for the moment to arrive because then I can finally use my nana's voice. Oh, Belinda. How old do you think she is? Isn't your nana 90? Yeah. God, Mrs. Blumenthal really waited, didn't she, into her older years. Belinda was a miracle baby.

Absolutely. She's a miracle everything. So old Bloch, he's got quite the backstory, but maybe that is what gives him the expertise or the life experience to do such a challenging job. Absolutely. Managing all those lady voices must be quite challenging. Yeah.

Amongst his personal friends, he was known... Personal friends! What's the opposite of a personal friend? I guess you guys. Rude. Amongst his personal friends, he was known as a bit of a Casanova.

Oh, was he? But this was not general knowledge. Okay, fine. They kept it to themselves. Just for personal friends, right? And the inner circle is a slag. Outside of that, nobody knows.

They had met briefly at the O2, where he kissed Belinda's hand at length and thanked her for her excellent presentation. What does he mean? As in it was extended out to full length or he kissed it for a long time? He just held his lips on it for ages.

But why didn't we hear about that when she was at the O2? Because she was busy. She was doing a presentation. She was getting miked up by Alfie. And getting it off at the end must have taken ages as well, that mic. No, she just ran off with it, don't you remember? Oh, yeah. I didn't even bother.

Can I just say, somebody kissing you on the hand is one of the world's creepiest things. Have you ever had it done? Yeah. Really, who? I'm trying to think, but I feel like it's men of a certain age

who think it's endearing and charming. You're right. You know the vibe. And do they leave a residue? Oh, yeah. Always if you shone your hand in the light, you would see the leftover. The snail trail of saliva exactly the the discharge i imagine that clarence the archduke of epsom would be a hand kisser yeah he's got a hand kisser written all over him because you know

my other story about the person that i work with always kissed on the lips no do you remember when i did that job like with that oh yeah yeah yeah that one yeah so do you remember there was that guy that older guy yes oh yes and whenever he kissed you hello or goodbye it always seemed like he's gonna kiss you on the cheek and then at the last minute he just quickly he'd swoop in lips every time a right schmacker but there's another person on that job do you know the other one i mean yes another older guy well we won't mention it because we are

discreet personal friends oh of course I don't even know why I'm pressing you we know Alice but it's not general knowledge it's not general knowledge well he always used

to kiss on the cheek which is obviously completely legit but he would do it like he would snog your cheek so it would I wouldn't say it was left damp

I would say you'd wring it out oh god so actually in comparison a hand kiss seems perfectly acceptable she's got off lightly if anything well they had met briefly at the o2 where he kissed belinda's hand at length and thanked her for her excellent presentation and it was excellent i think we'll all agree with that it was fantastic i mean it was expensive but it was excellent it's very very excellent it was expensive, but it was excellent. It was very, very excellent. It was so short, but it was excellent. Ah, Belinda, exclaimed Mr. Bloch. Thank you for coming.

Belinda curtsied, as it seemed the only thing to do. I can think of, I would say, in the region of 78 other ways to greet him, but... A kiss on the hand, a slobber on the cheek, just kiss on the lips. Please, sit down. Here. Sorry sorry full stop there no there's an ellipsis please sit down but wait

let me tell you where here he waved his open hand to a very that's how you wave it has to be open otherwise it's just a fist bump waving your fist at someone

he waved his open hand to a very low slung but pretty armchair where no doubt he would be able to observe her body in its entirety no doubt what a lothario back to my dad's weird fetish for chairs slash furniture upholstery he gets a real boner for doesn't he don't say rocky gets a bone that's not nice I didn't say it yes you did you just said it yeah sorry we have it on tape

Belinda obliged him opening her legs just a fraction and placing her briefcase on her lap oh that bloody briefcase is back has that been with her

the whole time rarely gets a mention but when it does I'm just like I just love that she's got a briefcase I don't think it leaves her side also I love that she opens her legs a bit and then immediately puts something to cover the fact that she's a professional guys hit me block said hit me

as in as in hit me as in like hit me with your idea or like hit me with that paddle that rhythm stick yeah exactly hit me stop saying hit me block said in the nicest way possible of course he smiled and belinda opened her briefcase and took out her proposal paperwork and hit him with it around the face that about wraps up a very successful morning's business my my dear Belinda. What? She got the proposal and that's the end? Meeting adjourned? I think it's a passage of time.

I think Dad doesn't want to bore us with the details, maybe. It's a bit too late for that. Fucking hell. He has demarcated it with two returns. Oh, right. So there's two lines gap, which is, I guess, where the proposal took place.

And now... Could be arbitrary. Could not be. You can't do that though. Set up that something's going to happen and then just assume that the reader knows because you put an extra line in that that means there's been a passage

of an hour and a half. Are you supposed to be able to like write in what you think happened there with a pen? Maybe, yeah. Double return, who knew? Bloch smiled for the umpteenth time. Stopped smiling. And clapped his hands. Oh, ah! who knew Bloch smiled for the umpteenth time stop smiling

and clapped his hands oh ah she's used to an applause from the O2 you see the umpteenth time

really suggests that it's grating on her like wipe that smirk off your god damn face the manservant appeared oh so it would have

been a clap like a summoning oh sure yeah like what you would do in the 80s to switch a light on or what you'd do to summon a manservant appeared. Oh, so it would have been a clap. Oh, like a summoning. Oh, sure. Yeah. Like what you would do in the 80s to switch a light on or what you'd do to summon a manservant. Exactly. One and the same, I would say.

I'd be careful to clap in the Grosvenor in future in case all these manservants come over. Well, James, you'll be like... It's my new dating app. Just clapping. The manservant appeared and Bloch ordered luncheon on the terrace. Luncheon.

Just lunch. Come on. Klaus and Belinda wandered over to the trellis covered outside area and sat down. Trellis. A new trellis. Careful. Flashbacks. Flashbacks.

She's going to get horrible memories rushing into that little tiny head of hers. The symbols. Cold sweats. Oh, she's barely reflected on it. Yeah, to be fair, she's never really dealt with it. That's what turns you into a messed up adult. Get those feelings out there. It's time to share, Belinda.

No doubt you know of my background. Yes, we know. Your mum and dad were star-crossed lovers and they fled. Said Klaus. Oh, James, Alice. But I know so little of yours, dearest Belinda. Belinda smiled and replied, There's not much to hear about.

Too true. Boring as shit. Born in Kent. Small country primary school. Oh, a new information. Larger local schools as I grew up. Schools got progressively bigger. The class sizes were a nightmare.

And finally university in central London. So it's quite a big leap then through primary school and university. So she went to UCL or something? Maybe. LSE? London School of Economics? These are all too prestigious, all of these. And work. Mostly sales at typhoid Crockery Holdings.

Yes! We talked about this. You knew about this. Yes, Dad had always told me that's where she worked. I mean, always told me as if it was like an old dear friend. And yeah, on Stephen Mangan's episode, we revealed it. Her lovely time at Dysentery LTD. What's it called? Typhoid? Typhoid Crockery Holdings. It's in Canterbury.

I beg to differ. So work mostly sales at Typhoid Crockery Holdings in Canterbury. And here I am today. So she's from Kent. Did we know that? The Garden of England. Interesting. And she went to schools of growing sizes as she grew up. As she grew physically, the schools around her grew.

They had to get bigger. The ceilings went higher. The toilets got bigger. Fascinating, Belinda. How wonderful to have been given the gift of such a simple upbringing. Such a... Gift. It gives you the ability to connect with ordinary people doing ordinary things.

This is such a backhanded compliment. He's like, oh, it's so great that you're from such like humble, shitty beginnings. He's basically calling her a basic bitch. Yeah, he totally is. It's so good that you're a basic bitch. People like my wonderful ladies. My wonderful ladies. The Wilkes, Betty Wilkes, et cetera.

The Wilkes. She owns a hardware store in town. Shout out to the Wilkes. Belinda nodded in agreement and thought, harness the ordinary person and you could rule the world. What is she talking about? Just look at Bella. Was it Martin Luther King who said, harness the ordinary person?

He totally thinks he's written, give a man a fish then, isn't he? What is it? Harness the ordinary person and you could rule the world as no one said that's a beyonce song isn't it who runs the world ordinary people that is such a good quote if only you could harness them he means physically harnessed yes drag them up and ride them round they're human mules put them on a giant human sized hamster

wheel we could really rule the world there's our energy policy for the next 50 years is that what

the John Legend track was all about harnessing the ordinary people yeah we're just ordinary

a simple lunch of distressed lettuce leaves distressed oh I. Distressed! Oh, I can't. Oh, God. Oh, no, don't make... Don't put me with the cause, please. Maybe they've been locked out of the house.

Then they'd be distressed. Let me tell you. But distressed is what you usually use for, like, denim, when they've put loads of holes in it and, like, made it tattered. It's huge. Yeah. Is that the new word for, slightly off lettuce well you're a culinary lady have you ever come across that term no that would mean to me that it's got like slug

holes in it yeah when it goes a little bit slimy oh yeah brown yeah so a simple lunch very simple a simple lunch of distressed lettuce leaves and blue cheese fish mousse. Oh, God. That's disgusting. Has your dad ever eaten food? Why does he always choose the rankest stuff we've ever heard of? That's repulsive. Oh, God. Blue cheese fish mousse.

Stop. Do you think he's just put posh words together? Blue cheese fish. On a bed of distressed lettuce lies a blue cheese fish mousse. Oh my God. I was just sick all over the desk. And it looked more appetising than the blue cheese fish mousse. So a simple lunch of distressed lettuce leaves and blue cheese fish mousse was served accompanied by a single bottle of champagne.

It was really something, well, let's say spectacular. No, let's not. No, let's. Let's just say it. After all, Belinda travelled the world and knew her onions when it came to exotic food. Does she? She's had spag bol. What, she had some scrambled egg a while ago. Yeah.

She only had four meals in five weeks. A few wool sausages on like a charcoal barbecue. Special J. A defrosted chicken Kiev. Some trifle. And now some distressed lettuce leaves. Oh my God, she really is living the high life. I love that he uses the phrase she knew her onions when it came to blue cheese fish.

It's all in a theme. Love it. Well done, Dad. If anyone's trying to lose weight or like, you know, portion control, just read that sentence over and over. Yeah. A toast to our continued success, Belinda, proclaimed Klaus Bloch with his glass held high.

They touched glasses. Klaus clumsily spilt some champagne over Belinda's cocktail dress and it quickly soaked through her brassiere to her breasts. A tiny splash through a cocktail dress through her bra to her breasts. The dress just dissolves. It was made of rice paper. As if they were waiting for that exact signal, Belinda's nipples started to expand. Come on, guys.

We've got the signal. Let's do this. That's a new one. Expand. You know, like those small parcels you put in water and then they expand into like a flannel? Oh, yeah. And they start like a little ball and then they get full size. I feel like that's what happens.

Don't say flannel. Oh no. Don't tell it. Don't. It's horrible. Oh my God. It's my favourite story. How have we never heard it till now?

Stop it. When I was a kid, we had some friends who had all daughters and we were around playing one day, maybe like dressing up as like a clown or something with makeup and things. Yeah. When it was time to go home i went to the bathroom and found a flannel and started to wipe my face with it and then one of the girls rushed in and said no stop jamie that's the bottom flannel

what's a bottom don't think about it too long It was the flannel that they used to wash their bottoms All of them? Collectively as a family The bottom flannel I don't think they had individual bottom flannels Not that's Gilly's bottom flannel That is the bottom flannel Yeah, so I was obviously mortified

Dropped it and I was like The bottom flannel Honestly, now the word flannel I can't hear it without having flashbacks, much like blended with a trellis. So you had bottom all over your face. James. I know the feeling.

James looks so far so good. When's the punchline? I love that story. The bottom flannel. Isn't that right? Can we try and get hashtag bottom flannel trending this week? Oh my God, that would make my life. Did you have a bottom flannel growing up? Yeah, if anybody had a bottom flannel growing up, please do get in touch. It's the main reason I use a hot cloth or muslin on my face. I could never go there again with a flannel. I think it's time we moved on. Yeah, let's do that.

So Belinda's nipples started to expand. Yes, like a bottom flannel. My dear, I'm so sorry. Do let me dry you off. It wasn't that much. It was a splash. Klaus took his napkin and started to gently dab Belinda's breasts. He could feel her nipples rising and said,

it's no good. The dress needs to be hung up and dried properly. Literally two drops. It's ruined Klaus's night. He pulled down Belinda's straps and skillfully manoeuvred it to the ground. Oh, sorry, he's going to do it now. There and then. Do you want to ask?

Buy the trellis. We should dry this. Whips it off. Well,, sorry. He's going to do it now. There and then. Do you want to ask? By the trellis. We should dry this. Whips it off. Well, he is a Casanova to his personal friends. Oh. He then hung the cocktail dress over a spare,

ornately woven wooden chair where it would dry of its own accord. For God's sake. Is this the dumb thing at the Grosvenor? You can't just whip someone's dress off and dry it like

where people are dining, can you? No, there's manservants for that sort of thing. In some blocks of flats they don't let you put a drying rack on the balcony. You can't do it at's dress off and dry it where people are dining, can you? No, there's manservants for that sort of thing. In some blocks of flats, they don't let you put a drying rack on the balcony. You can't do it at the Grosvenor. He then hung up the cocktail dress over a spare, ornately woven wooden chair where it would drive its own accord in the warmish breeze.

Warmish. Oh, drink. Just drink. Drink whatever you can find. That's much better. My goodness, what fine breasts you have. May I touch them? It's getting a bit Red Riding Hood. I love may I touch them.

It doesn't ask to take a dress off. May I touch your breasts? Well, fair dues, really. Doesn't want to make any assumptions. I mean, the dress is a foregone conclusion. Belinda nodded and wondered how far Klaus would go. He had obviously agreed to her business terms and if Belinda played this little adventure correctly,

she would sew up the deal very tightly indeed. What's the deal? I think what she's probably done is arranged for the Oxybrillo range to be allowed to be sold on the door-to-door circuit. Right. Like an Avon lady. Exactly. So that's in their repertoire now, that's in their collection. Yeah. Seconds later, her brassiere fell to the floor. Right. Like an Avon lady. Exactly. So that's in their repertoire now, that's in their collection.

Yeah. Seconds later, her brassiere fell to the floor. Fell. I mean, it was pushed. And Belinda's breasts were once again in action. Come on, girls. You know what to do. She can definitely move them into hand and leg.

Oh, like those horrible guys with the pecs that can make them... Treat every show like it's your first and last. Belinda's breasts were once again in action. He bent his body to delicately tease the saluting nipples with his lips. Saluting. Oh, that's quite good. Yeah, that is actually quite poetic, isn't it? Yeah, that's...

Although when you say inaction, I think of them as being like two Jason Statham heads. Yeah. Just doing horrible stunts. Meanwhile, his hands weren't idle. And in one fluid motion, Klaus whisked her dental floss vaginal garment down her legs and over her red high heels. That's so unnecessary.

Vaginal garment? Vaginal garment. They don't call them them in Topshop. They don't, do they? Sorry, where do you keep your vaginal garments, please? I bought you something lovely for Valentine's Day. This little vaginal garment matching set. Got you a lovely penis cloth.

Vaginal garment is awful, isn't it? That sounds like something that you would apply post-surgery. Like, apply the vaginal garment. It's still weeping. Oh, God. I'm weeping. He began to explore her already slightly wet vagina with his fingers

and soon located her clitoris and then her G spot I love that it's like mildly wet it's like a rising dump you know when you take something off the radiator and you're like is it dry enough to wear it'll do vagina's totally it'll do

using an oh using an ancient dry enough to wear. It'll do. It'll do. Her vagina's totally, it'll do. Using an, oh, using an ancient Chinese technique few people in the western world knew about. Not even the personal close friends. He started to massage both sensual areas

at the same time. It was indeed the very same technique which had gained his reputation as a Casanova. Oh. Few women, if any, had ever complained about his attentions. Complains? Only a few complained. He doesn't care what you say.

There were five complaints. They were a long time ago. Do you think they were written complaints? I was going to say, did they write a letter? Watchdog. I want to know who taught it him. Did he go to some sort of... Like that master in Kill Bill?

Yeah, exactly. Who climbs up to some mountaintop somewhere. Was it months of training? Few women, if any, had ever complained about his attentions. I feel like loads of people have been really not that pleased with it Belinda couldn't help it

uh oh what she's gonna complain she opened her legs wider and wider the sensation was exquisite

exquisite exquisite like drinking the nectar of the gods for god's sake wonderful clouds piled on the pressure belinda started to beg for an orgasm no one likes you to beg but this was the secret of the ancient chinese technique if you ask for, you don't get it. No orgasm could climax whilst this method of stimulation was being applied.

What? That's rubbish then, isn't it? Complicated, isn't it? It's ancient and really confusing. But isn't the point that you're making them climax? Yeah, but I guess you're bringing them to the point and they're not. So it's kind of tantric. Oh, yeah. I guess that's what tantric is. So we do know about it in the Western world.

How do you know about it? Wouldn't you like to know? No, I really, really don't. Just know that Sting's into it, really. Yeah, exactly. The poster boy. Sting and Trudy style. Trudy loves it, doesn't she?

Belinda raised her hands to her head and removed the clips holding up her bun hairstyle. And she made the shape Y and then M and then C and then A. She did the thing from tragedy by steps. Her long, black, glossy hair cascaded over her body, bringing her mentally back to a pre-Neolithic state. Oh my God. She started to snarl instead of groan. Isn't that a snarl?

She's congested. And like drool as well. Gnashing her teeth. She's a wild beast. Well, Alice, she was becoming part animal and part human, but very much needing to orgasm.

What animal? Like a saber-toothed tiger. Yes, the Green Neolithic. Oh, I was thinking like Mr. Tumnus again. Or a fawn. Yeah.

A fawn lost in the woods. I think it's something a bit more wild than a goat. Oh, sure. Kicking her hooves. With a little tufty beard. She bleated.

She was becoming part animal and part human, but very much needing to orgasm. Now totally naked apart from her red heels, Belinda pushed Bloch away from her he removed his hand from her vagina whole hand bloody hell

she snarled again and started to rip his clothing off his body oh my god she's gone like this is quite primal I really feel like

she's into this sex you know how normally we say that she's never really that engaged and she's always like checking the time and thinking about putting out the bins she's into this that engaged and she's always like checking the time and thinking about mentally planning something

she's into this one this is carnal isn't it carnal's a good word that's a good word Al he bowed in deference and quickly assisted her basic actions basic bitch

I told you once Belinda had blocked naked she went on all fours and snarled fuck me doggy style oh oh Once Belinda had block naked, she went on all fours and snarled, fuck me doggy style. That's the longest sentence she's ever said, isn't it?

So she's stark block naked now. Jamie's gone very, very red. Honestly, I'm... You've done... Oh my God, you're getting redder. It's so horrible. Is that puce? I'm starting to sweat a bit. That's actually gross

I can't believe that my dad just said fuck me doggy style wow fuck I'm getting very warm you've got a really unusual colour

have I yeah are you okay god my head's really hot your neck's gone like almost blue blocky I come out in blotches

you're alright you're returning now okay that honestly was horrible He said fuck And he said doggy style Okay Bloch jumped onto her

And stuffed his erect penis Don't say stuff Oh my god I'm going in my jumper I'm going in my special place Don't go to your special place For god's sake He's in her special place

Stuffed Stuffed? Stuffed? Like a turkey! Oh no, like a field mushroom for a vegetarian. Bit of taxidermy. Stuffed. That is horrible. That's like packing the wadding in, isn't it?

Bloch, I'm just going to get through it. Bloch jumped onto her and stuffed his erect penis into her vagina. Oh my. She roared. Don't anger the beast! She roared in theriomorphic passion. Theriomorphic? Right, Google. Where's he learned that word,

please? Yeah. Someone's been on a thesaurus. Especially of a deity having an animal form, gods depicted in theriomorphic form. Oh! Like a god-like scream. She's like a goddess of... Pots and pants. Sure.

Half woman, half skillet. Oh, God. So she's basically lost her mind. This Chinese technique is really played with her head. Can you imagine what will happen if she ever has acupuncture? She'll freak. So she roared in theriomorphic passion, gnashing her teeth

and scratching the gravel like the wild beast she had become. Wow, this is visceral. Is she going to turn into something? A big hog. A big hog. A hog. He grabbed her bouncing tits and held on tight. Oh my God.

Is this the worst one yet? Yeah, this is the most... I think we haven't had something like this for a while, so now we see it. We've been spoiled with book three. There's not been much sex in it at all, and now... This just kind of feels, I'm not going to say real, but it's the most gritty, isn't it? I don't like it at all. Belinda climaxed almost immediately,

admitting a long, heart-rendering snarl. Heart-rendering. Sorry, are they still on the patio of the grove now? Oh my God. Oh God. Oh my God. It was the gravel. The waiter's like, holy shit, call the police.

Malcolm, chop up the water. I'll just leave your bill here. Pay when you're ready. We did say when you made the booking that it was only two hours. Belinda climaxed almost immediately, admitting a long, heart-rendering snarl, which ended in a whimper. Oh. Horrible. In a flash, the cavewoman had gone.

And a highly sex-charged, extremely sophisticated, modern young businesswoman was left in her place. I wouldn't put it past Rocky that there was actually a cavewoman there. She's gone. Cavewoman though. Flintstone. Oh.

I don't think he's even thought of that. 10 years at best. I'm like, oh, no. So the cavewoman's gone and a highly sex-charged extremely sophisticated modern young businesswoman

was left in her place. Who was that? Yeah, not precisely. Not Belinda, that's for sure. Belinda slowly regained her mind. I feel like it fell on the floor and she's like putting it back in her head. As we will all have to do.

Belinda slowly regained her mind and concentrated on tightening her cervix. There it is again. Why is she concentrating on that? Because she was going to give Klaus Bloch the sexual experience of his life. Oh my God. I thought they'd finished.

Well, the chapter's finished. So we don't know where he's going to go with that. So we won't know if she knocks his block off. That's the end of the chapter. That is the end of the chapter. I'm so close. Chucky. Oh, God.

Come on, a couple more sentences, please. James, we're supposed to read along. It's not audience participation. It's definitely the most exciting sex we've had of book three so far. I wouldn't say exciting. No, neither would I. Why can't you stand up? Why have you got a cushion on your lap?

Why have you got a briefcase on your lap? So, what's the next chapter called? I mean, he's pinballing all over the place in this book we could be anywhere i mean he always does though really doesn't he let's be honest but this one just came out of the blue this was very much standalone like klaus what the fuck yeah well he was at the o2 not that we knew that at the time yeah exactly um the next chapter is called The Chocolate Fountain. Oh, no. Why do I feel like that's a euphemism for something?

Oh, God. God. Yeah, so. Let's all go sugar free, shall we, from next week onward. Oh, that's going to be absolutely disgusting. So, yeah, if you want to join us again next week, do. If you don't, we totally understand. It's very much an opt-in or out in the meantime do get in touch let us know if you've ever had any tantric sex maybe or just express disgust i feel like people are gonna need a place to vent this week i think maybe just put in the subject line disgusting

and then we'll know exactly what it's about if you would like to get in touch with us on Instagram, if you're into the pictures, we are mydadwrotea. We are. You can email us at mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com. And we're on Twitter, dadwroteaporno, and Facebook. Just search mydadwroteaporno. We're everywhere, basically. But just never with the same handle.

And it's only about a month now, guys, until we go to Australia. Very, very excited. We should probably book B3 just in case. Oh, sure. Yeah, we're doing our Australian tour. We're coming to Melbourne, Sydney, Perth, Brisbane, Adelaide and Auckland in New Zealand. And I think there's still a few tickets available. So you get in there quick before they sell out.

Yeah, definitely. A walk for everyone. We can't guarantee that. Yeah, they will. Yeah, definitely. A wok for everyone. We can't guarantee that. Yeah, they will.

Yeah. And also remember, if you want to relive this chapter in reading form, you can buy Belinda Blink 3, my dad's masterpiece on Amazon and everywhere that sells Kindle or eBooks. It's a bloody bargain, isn't it? Oh, yeah. You'd think you'd have hoiked up the price, but... Get changed from a fiver, don't you? Yeah. And then some.

Guys, I know we're going to go for dinner, but I think i've gone off the idea of the grave now should i just cancel it