My Dad Wrote A Porno - S3E7 - 'The Chocolate Fountain'

Episode Date: July 10, 2017

Belinda heads to Belgium for her appointment with Alfonse Stirbacker and a trip to a chocolate factory... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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basically all the good stuff Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno... A simple lunch of distressed lettuce leaves... Distressed! And blue cheese fish mousse... Oh, God! That's disgusting! Belinda nodded in agreement and thought, harness the ordinary person and you could rule the world.

What is she talking about? One of the girls rushed in and said, no, stop, Jamie! That's the bottom flannel! Hi, you two. How's it going? My dad wrote a poem and we're back. James, how are you?

I'm all right. Bit worried about Alice. Why? We came in this room and there's a hammer on the table. There's like a shard of wood, like, you know what, like Buffy the Vampire used to have. Are you the new Vampire Slayer? These are just my tools. I don't want to talk about it. Well, anyway, I'm just going to move that hammer away from her.

What happened in the last episode? I'm a bit lost. Two words for you. Klaus and Bloch. Oh, Klaus Bloch oh my god of course and belinda turned into a jurassic being oh yeah she turned into some kind of herbivore from olden times welcome to belinda blift but yeah klaus bloch very much involved in the O2 women's movement of selling pots and pans via doorways. So not just the O2 movement, because the O2, lest we forget, was just one iteration of what they do. That was just one venue. Sure, that was just a showcase.

Exactly, but they're doing work every day. What do they do? They are knocking on doors. So do you need to be trained to be in the Pots and Pans troupe? What, the direct retail door-to-door and coffee morning organisation? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that one. I don't think so.

I mean, the CEO and managing director, Klaus Bloch, would want any lady to attend, I'm sure. So that's the name of the company? I think that's the role. So say, you know, you're a producer, James. Yeah. They'd be a direct retail door-to-door and coffee morning organisation lady rolls off the tongue ist

imagine getting that on a business card well precisely but is Belinda one of them or is Belinda above that yeah I think she's

kind of on the outskirts of that I think she's very much in the establishment of pots and pans right this is more like a vigilante group

this is what I'm saying vigilante you know they're taking it upon themselves exactly they are the robin hood take a walk from the rich give a walk to the poor exactly so do you remember the uh title of this week's chapter can you remember that i really don't the chocolate fountain the chocolate bloody fountain and then this came up james and i was somewhere and somebody was talking about the mechanics of a chocolate fountain and how you have to put shed tons of

oil in it to keep it thank you so i just regurgitated what james has said which let's be honest is patently bullshit but i just took that as fact i hope it is a chocolate fountain and not a euphemism for james that's foul something else milk, lemonade. You know what I'm saying. Round the corner. I don't get the reference. Milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner, chocolate's made. Have you never done that? What do you mean, lemonade? Oui, oui. Lemonade?

Well, like, yellow liquid. Chocolate? Well. Milk, milk, I can't believe you've never heard milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner, chocolate's made. I think we can move on. Around the corner. That's what I think. What's going on around that corner?

Is that why you always say one in the pink, one in the stink? I never say that. You say that. Why would he be saying that? Is anyone pink? Well, quite. Does anyone stink? Oh, God.

Chocolate, please. He hates that lemonade, but he can't get enough of that chocolate god this is disgusting this is disgusting i live in hope that actually dad's chapter is a lot cleaner a lot classier than james's private life okay milk milk lemonade i love that i love it it's so good okay should we get back into the actual world of Rocky Flintstone and Belinda Blink? Yes. Okay. Okay.

Belinda Blink 3, Chapter 7, The Chocolate Fountain. Tuesday morning started sunny and bright. I love a little weather forecast in this book. Today was Brussels. Alphonse Sterbacher in actual fact. No. That's an old school reference. Yes.

She has had it in the diary for a while though, so I'm not surprised we're finally getting to it. And when she puts something in the diary in pencil, she very rarely rubs it out and puts something else in. And dad never forgets about it. Oh, never. She's totally got a paper diary, hasn't she? She's not putting anything in an eye calendar.

What celebrity calendar would she have, do you reckon? She's not a Bieber. Oh, no, like a Peter Andre. Cher. Cher. Does she still produce merchandise? No, no, no. It'd be like a man.

Probably like a firefighter's calendar. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Totally. Chippendales, if they still make them. Oh, God. Yeah, of course. Yeah.

He was her first client and conquest on that fateful Sunday afternoon in the maze at Sir James Godwin's country home. Gotta love a ketchup. Previously, Melinda Flames. He was her first... Was he the first person she had actual sex with? I think she...

Yeah, I think he was, you know. Because he wore that disgusting black thong. And I always think that he had a belly that went over the thong. They were all fat, weren't they? He was a voyeur though, no? Or we thought he was. He was a voyeur that turned into a sexual thumb. Yeah, they were all fat, weren't they? He was a voyeur though, no? Or we thought he was. He was a voyeur that turned into a sexual beast. Yeah.

Wow, she thought. How the business had moved on from then. Oh, wow. I mean, she could say that again. Yeah, just moving backwards counters moving on. It's moved. Maybe not in the right direction.

Sitting at her desk, Belinda quickly looked at her appointments for the rest of the week. She planned to get back to London on Wednesday night, giving her all day Thursday to visit one of her managers out in the field. And Friday morning was for paperwork. Oh, I can't wait for the chapter called The Paperwork.

Out in the field. Is that one of our RSMs? Yeah. Oh, who haven't we had much of? Paddy O'Hamlin? Yeah, Paddy would be fun, wouldn't he? No, but she's saying she'll be back visiting them in the field. Like, she can't go all the way to Ireland, can she?

Or Scotland. He's in charge of Scotland. Of course. He jumps between the two. Friday morning was, however, glee team time. How did you know to say it in that horrible voice? Well, they all caught up on the week's antics. I've never known that to happen before.

Officially, anyway. She rang Jim Thompson, her sales admin guy, and asked him to set up a visit with Ken Dewsbury for the Thursday. I'm so confused. This is a lot of diary admin. Okay, so Jim used to be in charge of all the RSMs. I believe he still is. Yes. I thought he was the Mr Fix-It. He was, slash is, and he kind of oversees the RSM.

Yeah, he's the RSM facilitator. Yeah. Okay. And then Ken Dewsbury, he's, is he the West Country? Where's Ken? No, he's is he the west country where's ken no he's the he's yorkshire god's own country so hang on jim thompson's asking ken's jewsbury to check with des martin if he could do a meeting on thursday is that what's happening james don't be facetious she rang jim thompson her sales admin guy and asked him to set up a visit with Ken Tewsby for the Thursday. Because she can't go direct to Ken, I guess.

Yeah, clearly. Just get Ken's number, leave Jim out of it. Righty-ho, said Jim. I'll presume you'll fly to Leeds Bradford early morning and get back to Heathrow late at night. Why would you fly to Leeds Bradford? What is Leeds Bradford? I flow from Leeds Bradford. Wait a sec, we all lived in Leeds. Is it called Leeds Bradford? What is Leeds Bradford? I flow from Leeds Bradford. Wait a sec, we all lived in Leeds.

Is it called Leeds Bradford Airport? Yeah. But Leeds and Bradford are quite far apart. Aren't they next to each other? It's not like five minutes. It's quite a drive, innit? Is it Leeds or Bradford? Sounds like a tough day's work, Jim.

But yes, that'll do the trick nicely. Oh, tell Ken to pick me up from the airport around 9.30ish and then back again to get the late 8pm. Oh my gosh, shut up. Tell Ken I don't give a shit. Wilco, Belinda. Wilco? Wilco. Roger Wilco. Wilco. It's a saying. Wilco, Belinda. Wilco? Wilco.

Roger Wilco. Wilco. It's a saying. Wilco? Yeah. It's not a saying. It is a saying. Wilco?

Yeah. Jamie, no one says Wilco. Roger Wilco. It's a thing. James, you do this every week and then you'll prove wrong on Twitter and then you have to apologise. I've never heard it. Wilco.

What does that mean? Google it. Why are you getting on your bloody high horse about it? I'm just defending my dad. Wilco's a very well known saying. Then put it in context for us you little shit. Roger Wilco may refer to a voice procedure in two way radio.

Is that what it means? Roger Wilco, the main character in the Space Quest series of computer games. No, that's not it either. Roger Wilco get fuzzy. The brother of Rob Wilco in the comic strip get fuzzy. Yeah, that makes complete sense. Roger Wilco, a voice over ip application what are you talking about the first one a voice procedure in two-way radio yeah oh like like cb like roger that all yeah exactly so roger yeah you've heard of that one don't get like that with me of course i've heard of roger that

i've not lived under a rock for 30 years. Well Wilco's the same. This has been the biggest waste of my time. Move on. Wilco Belinda. Thanks Jim. You're a star. I feel like he's not. I feel like he's got the easiest job in town. Belinda checked her bag onto

the Brussels shuttle. Wow. Give a change. I thought you were sat at her desk. Oh, come on. To be fair, there's like two spaces. Okay. Belinda checked her bag onto the Brussels Shuttle

and walked to the departure area. But so she's done the flight and she's there. Oh, she's there. Oh, right, sure. She's in town. She's in Brussels. She's there. She's on the Brussels Shuttle.

She was feeling relaxed and with a bit of luck, they'd have their first bottle of wine ordered by 1.30. The flight was uneventful, and Alphonse was in the arrivals hall waiting for her. They kissed like old established lovers. They've met once. They've met once. They've met once. And Alphonse took her bag and her hand.

I'll take your bag and I'll take your hand. He took her hand. Maybe they've missed off luggage. And he took her hand luggage. Wait though, how long has it been since they last saw each other? I think about four weeks. Yeah, about a month. Okay.

It was actually 1.33 on the dot as the waiter sat down the first bottle of green crisp white wine on the table. 1.33 on the dot. She checks her watch. On the dot, though. You don't measure stuff by 1.33s. Also, green crisp white wine. Green wine. That's not good.

It maybe looks a bit green in the bottle, but generally when you've poured it out, it doesn't look like olive oil. Also, I'll take anything over the fish mousse from the previous chapter. Fair dues. They'd ordered more frites and a delicious chocolate dessert, which Belinda became particularly enthralled with.

Oh, yeah. Here we go. Chocolate. I can't bear it. Alphonse, this is so good. What is? You do business

with the manufacturers? I presume they are Belge. After all, you do make the best chocolate in the world. So he does business with the chocolate manufacturers? We don't know that. Let him answer. But she should know that. This is classic Belinda.

Do your research. Do your fucking research. At least have a little Google before you get out there. I presume they are Belge. After all, you do make the best chocolate in the world. Those shells. Those Belgian shells. Oh my goodness. They're the best.

You know those Lindt chocolate bunnies? Are they Belgian? Oh, Lindt. Lindt. Lindt those. You know those Lindt chocolate bunnies? Are they Belgian? Oh, Lindt. Lindt or from Lindt. I don't think Lindt is Belgian. Oh, that's Swiss, isn't it? Swiss, yeah. Same, same.

Kinder Bueno. Is that from Belgium? It sounds it, doesn't it? Sounds very Belgian. Do you get Twix from Belgium? Because I love those. It's Bourneville from Belgium too. Caramac.

I used to love it. We used to go swimming. After going swimming, used to go to the vending machine and Belgium too Caramac I used to love it We used to go swimming After going swimming Used to go to the vending machine Get a Caramac Caramac though Very strange Not chocolate is it?

What's that? It's just caramel But it was weird caramel It wasn't like just caramel But also what do you mean It's just caramel Because it's not caramel is it? It's like a weird

Like beige chocolate It was so good I presume they are Belgian. After all, you do make the best chocolate in the world. Kind words, Belinda. And yes, funnily enough, their managing director is a very good friend of mine. I'll give her a call

and see if she can get the two of us a private tour around the factory this afternoon. Oh, wonderful. Jamie just flourished his hand. Did you see that? But now we must get to my offices to tie up the paperwork. Always got to have that paperwork.

Always. Do you know what I mean? The paperwork rests for no man. Alphonse efficiently shuffled the last of his papers, shut his briefcase, looked at Belinda across the large green leather desk

and confirmed the deal. Was there a space that you didn't tell us about? Yeah, why is there a desk on the other table? It's on a different page to be fair.

That can mean one of many things. So we were just at the table, right? I feel like I'm having am I blacking out? What's happening? We were just having some dessert. Are we in a time machine? What's going on not i feel like i'm having am i blacking out what's happening we were just

having some dessert we're in a time machine what's going on i feel like we talked about caramax for a bit and now it's the end of the book it's a fast moving novel i can't breathe it's going too fast it's really giving me heart palpitations it's done what the deal the book what's done 7 000 units ordered complete with your input of 20 marketing assistance this is very business and leadership this chapter so she's putting a 20 extra to like help sell them yeah clearly it's a good deal 20 extra what? Product? Marketing budget against the sale. Sorry, what? So he's bought 7,000 units and she's given a 20% discount. No, she's put in 20% of nothing, apparently. To help market the pop-up.

Well, she markets by shagging people. So she's basically put in like, what, three nights work? Right. I'm glad everybody involved in the deal understands what's been decided alice it's done it's done it's done guys it's done what about it 7 000 plus marketing assistance is done so it's done so the deal is due the deal is done we'll stop off at your hotel to allow you to freshen up and then on to the Chocolat Factory.

Oh, the Chocolat Factory. It's like Willy Wonka. Oh my God, it's going to be like Willy Wonka, isn't it? Guys, what could the woman who owns the Chocolat Factory possibly be called? Oh no. I can't look at you in the eye. Is it going to be a Willy Wonka reference? Madeline Chocolat.

No. Is waiting for us with much anticipation, I must add. That's got to be a nickname. That's got to be because she's like Queen of the Chocolates. She's called... Madeline Chocolat. Can't be coincidence. It's not like it's a brand name.

It's not like her product is named after her. She didn't invent chocolate. She's not from the chocolate dynasty. Like Mr. Ginster being called Mr. Pasty. Oh, no. Belinda nodded attentively. 7,000 units in one hit was fantastic. She would page Tony and Jim the minute she got back to the hotel.

Page. Paige, Tony and Jim the minute she got back to the hotel. Paige! Oh. Forty minutes later saw Alphonse's red Ferrari parked outside the front gates of Madeline Chocolat. Chocolat. Although he's now called it chocolate. Okay.

So she was Chocolat without the E on the end. And that's just chocolate. Spellcheck has kicked in. Madeline Caramak. Belinda was surprised. It didn't look like a big place. She'd expected gleaming stainless steel vats of hot, runny chocolate which would flow into Easter egg moulds or chocolate bar cartons ready for sale throughout the wider world.

Gosh, she's got a very, very strong imagination, hasn't she? Well, someone has, Dad. I feel like this is the thing she's had the most amount of opinion on, of all the books. She's like, give me that chocolate. Jesus. I don't want to talk politics, but I will talk about the size of chocolate factories. And those famous chocolate cartons.

What? Yeah, and Easter egg moulds. All year round. All year round. It's Easter somewhere, Jamie. Is that what they used to say about the British Empire? It's always Easter somewhere. Alphonse looked at her bemused face, grinned and said, You're expecting the large stainless steel vats, right?

Don't worry, an Easter egg will come your way. It's a very bespoke operation her biggest sale is chocolate fountains here we go and madeline is the world's leader in viscous chocolate viscous viscous the oily chocolate that we were talking about before that disgusting viscous chocolate the magma chocolate you don't sell it viscous though, do you? You can't sell liquid chocolate. Sacks, in liquid sacks, yeah. It's like tubes of foundation, James.

People are like, oh, it'd be so much easier to transport if it was solid. No, no. It must be liquid upon arrival. Not liquid, viscous. Viscous does. I like the use of bespoke, which suggests they're just doing it to order, which doesn't seem like a really big business, does it? It doesn't seem like a very good bespoke, which suggests they're just doing it to order, which doesn't seem like a really big business, does it?

It doesn't seem like a very good business model, full stop. No. At Madeline's house, we presume. I think what dad means is like an artisan. Right, okay. Not bespoke. Not like, do you want a chocolate bar? I'll make you one now. I'll cook it right.

What shape do you want? All right. I'll be there in four days. Just let me get the cocoa beans in. Belinda's heart sank. She'd been hoping for a few freebie chocolate bars to bring back to the offices. Yeah.

The Glee team were big chocolate aficionados and were always looking for the next aphrodisiac. Aficionados, that means they just scoff it they don't know anything about it they have munchies they have yorkies they have caramac honestly i bet bella's a massive chocolate aficionado if you know what i mean milk milk lemonade around the back sweat up it's not around the back around the corner with james around the corner yeah no i feel like bella's got one of those, like, large dairy milks in her desk at all times.

Oh, my God, yeah. Just a piece. Just a piece. Just another piece. Nothing sadder than seeing someone in the shops and they just put a huge, monstrously sized bar of chocolate in their trolley. She's got a monster, Chuck.

She's got a monster, Chuck. But do you know what I mean? It's like, just go line dancing. Go line dancing? What's happening? What are you talking about? Pick up life drawing. Is Rocky in there?

A huge bar of chocolate. He's going to peel his face off and Rocky's behind it. But no one needs that, ever. Do something with your time. What, instead of eating a massive bar of chocolate? Yeah. They're not mutually exclusive. You know they're just going to go home and eat a whole big bar of chocolate

watching sex in the city and that is some of my favorite friday nights i was gonna say you've been around here when i've done that so i feel like this is a personal attack i know what you mean though you know when you've been at the airport before and you've seen someone buy one of those that's not a present i know what you're doing with that you're gonna have a sore soft palate in two days time when you're trying to bite off that triangle. Anyway, they were always looking for the next aphrodisiac. A powerful, masculine looking blonde woman. Strolled across the parking area. The parking area.

And greeted Alphonse like an old but forever discarded lover. I imagine that Brussels is quite a small pool of people, in this industry particularly. So I imagine everyone shagged everyone else. Do you reckon? Yeah. It's the seat of power, isn't it, for the EU? So who knows what's going on in there?

Good point. Who knows what's going on in there? Not us anymore. Madeleine, darling, please meet Belinda Blumenthal my pots and pans supplier well to heat all that chocolate massive pan yeah I need a massive pan

well Alice Belinda blushed I'll bet she did oh she's never done that before yeah she blushed it wasn't a compliment he just said she's my pots and pans supplier does she like the look of before. Yeah, she blushed. It wasn't a compliment. He just said, she's my pots and pans supplier.

Does she like the look of Madeline? Well, Belinda blushed. It was a horrible introduction to someone whom she was somewhat attracted to physically. A horrible introduction? It's quite a bog standard introduction. Well, how nice. Her job really didn't do her many favours in the status league. Oh, well, no, it sounds shit, doesn't it?

Now, if she'd only worked for a perfumery company from the south of France. Oh, you can but dream. Then she'd have no point being there whatsoever. And would that particularly impress a prospective lover? Oh, and what's her title? Head of Perfumer at a southern French outlet. Well, better than Pots and Pans, to be fair. Head of Whiffs and Wax at a southern French outlet. Well, better than pots and pans, to be fair. Head of whiffs and whacks at a local perfumery.

That's totally what Rocky would call it. Pongs and whiffs. Be honest. When was the last time you thought about your current business insurance policy? Here's the thing. If your business insurance coverage renews on autopilot each year without checking out zensurance.com, you're probably spending more than you need. That's why you

need to switch to a low-cost policy from Zensurance. Zensurance does all the heavy lifting, ensuring you're only covered for what you need. And coverage starts at only $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com and secure your new policy online in a matter of minutes. Zen Insurance. Mind your business. Belinda. Adorable. You are very chic looking. Fucking hell! Look at your figure.

I bet you don't even sniff the chocolate. What? Oh, so she looks so good, she's probably never touched a bar. She's never sniffed a Z. It's spelled Zaday. Zee chocolate. Zee chocolate. Is this your Madeline?

It's not what I expected. No. Belinda laughed, feeling instantly settled by this charming woman. She's so charming. She sounds terrifying. Madam Madeleine, thank you so much for organising this very impromptu tour of your facilities. No problem. That's the sink. That's the desk. Bye. No, I think she means her facilities.

Madeleine Chocolat looked at Belinda carefully. Stop calling her that. I can't bear it. Looked at Belinda carefully and thought, This one is too good to share with our phones. It's confusing because this is what a Z-I-S. One, fine. Is, is I-Z.

Oh, God. This one is too good to share. And then with is just W-I- I-Z. Oh, God. Ziz one is too good to share. And then with is just W-I-T-H. I can't remember. It's quite hard to read. Yeah. Surely that should be whiz. Whiz.

Ziz one is too good to share. You're not even putting it on accent. No, it's just how it's written. Ziz one is too good to share with Alphonse. I think we'll skip the production and go poolside. Go poolside. There's a pool? Go poolside, yeah.

There's a pool by the chocolate factory. No bombing. Oh, my God. There's going to be heavy petting all the way. Her mind made up, Madeline strode off, arm in arm with Belinda, leaving Alphonse scurrying along behind. We always knew he was a waste of space there, didn't we, really? He's a bit of a loser, I think.

Third wheel. Oh, yeah, he totally is going to be, isn't he? Oh, yeah. Ah. I'm just intrigued to know where this pool is. A pool of chocolate. Oh, no, it's not. It is Willy Wonka.

Oh. That's disgusting. Come with me. Oh, we'd see you later. It is Willy Wonka Come with me Come with me And you'll see Where the chocolate's made Round the corner But on a bespoke bus please It's very viscous

Oh my god It's absurd Up in the deserted control room Control room Madeline showed Belinda her chocolate empire. That is a euphemism. She pointed out the various hydraulic siphons. Oh, thank you very much.

Which contoured the chocolate into a living fluid. Oh my God. It's horrible. I've never eaten chocolate again again which had made her company's name throughout the world as a chocolate got semen in it living fluid sounds like cheese my special ingredient this one's sea salt if you know what i mean but wait the company is called what? Chocolate? Chocolat Chocolate. Chocolat Chocolate, yeah. Oh my God, I love Chocolat Chocolate.

Want some Chocolat Chocolate? Got to go for Belgium. Do you like Cadbury's? No, I like Chocolat Chocolate. Oh my God, after swimming, we don't always have a Chocolat Chocolate. She pointed out the various hydraulic siphons which contoured the chocolate into the living fluid

which had made her company's name throughout the world. That doesn't actually make any sense. Just FYI. If you've made it this far and understood everything else. We should feed that back to Dad. Yeah, please. This little sentence here doesn't quite make sense. That makes sense.

She calmly pointed out the tortuous route the flowing chocolate took until it decanted effortlessly into the large swimming pool structure. Stop it. It is Willy Wonka vibes. Does he like Willy Wonka? Well, James, you've often said that he is a bit like Roald Dahl. Yeah. I'm so glad Rocky doesn't write children's books. Honestly.

Because Roald Rook both famously Yeah he did yeah Now Belinda Oh god I'm shocked every time she speaks Madeline said Have A V E Have you ever experienced flowing chocolate

On your bare skin No I'm sorry It's a health and safety That chocolate's going to be boiling hot. Oh, yeah. No, because of the oil. Famously because of the oil. No, but I think because of the oil,

maybe it doesn't have to be as hot. Either way, it's for human consumption. I don't think they should be, like, jumping in. But you know where it's effortlessly decanted? Is that where you can swim in it, and that probably won't end up in bars? Is this just for... For where she takes her lady friends? Yeah, so well guys belinda blinked oh something's

happening they'd both undressed in an ante room far below the control room what is an ante room what day is it they'd both undressed in an ante room far below the control room where Alphonse sat waiting to see the show. Are they going to do some, like, synchronised swimming for him? Like, Alphonse. Like Esther Williams shit. Just covered in melted chocolate. He was truly a voyeur.

Oh, we know. And he liked nothing better than seeing stunningly beautiful and naked women make love to one another. That's generally what voyeurs like, isn't it? They don't just like watching people go on a bike ride or whatever. It's usually sexual. The fact that they were doing it under a chocolate fountain was an unbelievable bonus. In chocolat chocolat.

You could have told us they were under a fountain. That's the first we've heard of it. He secretly hoped the security camera footage would appear on YouTube. On the YouTubes. But guess how he spelt YouTube? Oh, God. Just a U. Just the letter U.

U, space, tube. Blessing. God bless his soul. Is that what he puts in, yeah, to find YouTube? Because he put YouTube.com and it's not come up. And he's like, YouTube's down. Always down. The servers are off.

He's never seen YouTube. Oh, bless him. He secretly hoped the security camera footage would appear on YouTube in the not too distant future. Why would it end up online? I was going to say, does it auto-upload to YouTube at the end of the day? He'd certainly subscribe. Is that what he says? Yeah. Subscribe! He wouldn't need to subscribe.

He knows the terminology subscribe, but he doesn't know the actual website address. He doesn't know the platform, but he knows what you do on the platform. Madeline gently led the naked Belinda up the slope and into the pool. Glooping chocolate. Glooping.

Augustus Gloop. The reference. That's where he's got it from, isn't it? Glooping chocolate covered her toes. Her toes? What are you telling? Her calves. And suddenly a vagina.

Oh, suddenly. It was a wave machine. Toes, calves, vagina. Head, shoulders, calves, toes and vagina. Toes and vagina. Oh my God. She's got a little chocolate vag. Oh, that's bespoke.

That is bespoke. Is that how they mould them? I'll have my own vagina in milk chocolate, please. So the chocolate covered her toes, her calves, and suddenly her vagina. Belinda put her hands into the running liquid and tasted the voluptuously velvet concoction. Rocky is getting hard for chocolate.

Fucking hell, I've never heard him so aroused. Do you think he was eating a Twix as he was doing this? What is with you and Twixes? I love a Twix. I keep saying it. It was chocolate, but not as she knew it. In chocolate, no one can hear you scream. It's like the weird phrases.

It was chocolate chocolate but this was round the corner I'm just really relieved it wasn't a euphemism for anal so whatever you and me both can I tell you

so whatever happens from here on in I'm over the moon about is that what round the corner chocolate's made me do you like Belinda

this is a Cointreau flavour variety oh Cointreau liqueur oh nice Cointreau flavoured variety. Oh. Cointreau. Liqueur. Oh, nice. Cointreau. One of my favourites. Oh, she loves it, does Madeline.

Absolutely delightful for licking off the skin of a lover. Can you stop rubbing yourself please, Jamie? Jamie just literally stroked his thigh. He's still doing it. Stop it! Stop it. It does very well in Texas. Oh.

And California, Keisha. Excuse me? Pardon? You know, the USA. California what? California, Keisha. California.

Keisha. What's that? California, Keisha. I'm going back to Google. Dream of California, Keisha. Dream of California, Keisha Guys What?

Doesn't exist That's a Google whack You amaze me God bless California, Keisha Belinda swooned The intoxicating alcohol had done its intended work Madeline calmly caught her before she was immersed completely in the

swirling liquid. Oh my god, can you imagine? How did she die? She drowned in chocolate chocolates. Pissed off a tree. The Cointreau variety. It was huge in Californication. It would be the end of chocolate chocolate though. Oh my god, yeah.

Woman found dead in chocolate chocolate. though. Oh my God, yeah. Woman found dead in chocolate chocolate. In vato chocolate chocolate, yeah. She laid her on the side of the chocolate fountain pool and started to gracefully lick her body. There's no way of doing that gracefully.

Licking somebody, we've talked about this before, licking someone head to toe is A, repulsive, B, unusual and C, very, very rarely grace graceful with her legs splayed wide madeline was able to lick belinda's clitoris clean oh clean as a whistle before starting on her somewhat large vaginal lids yes belinda's tits awoke her with the urgent chemical signals

Wake up! they'd earlier sent to her mind's eye. What? What? What? What? What? Read it again.

This might be my favourite one ever. Go on. Belinda's tits awoke her with the urgent chemical signals they'd earlier sent to her mind's eye. To her mind's eye. What does it mean? Why are there so many messages going to so many places? What is a mind's eye?

It's not a thing. It's a mind's eye. The doctor says your mind's eye's failed. No. Get her a mind's eye transplant. Step. She's got like a third eye in the middle of her head. It's Sauron-esque, isn't it?

I spy with my little mind's eye, something beginning with... Bullshit. She sat up slowly and touched Madeline's extended breasts. The nipples responded. Oh, good. Covered as they were in luscious chocolate, Belinda had no option but to lick them clean.

She had options. She's always got options. What a state. Do you think Alphonse is just watching this like, Jesus, this is messier than I thought it was going to be? No, I think he's probably having a right roll time on his own, if you know what I mean. A little hand shandy. Oh, my God. Who says that?

Where are these phrases being dredged from? Hand shandy is worse than anything my dad's ever written. A hand shandy. You know hand shandy, James. Never heard of that, actually. Hand shandy. Choking the chicken. Bashing the bishop.

I've heard of shaking hands with the one-eyed milkman. No, wait. These I've heard, but hand shandy. Hand shandy, never heard. Yeah, look. It's in the Urban Dictionary. Hand shandy. Five knuckle shuffle.

Hand to gland combat. That's a good one. A date with Mrs. Palm and her five lovely daughters. It's very Jane Austen there. I'm very confused. You always are. I know. This is all news to me.

She sat up slowly and touched Madeline's extended breasts. The nipples responded, covered as they were in luscious chocolate. Belinda had no option but to lick them clean. It was an act of deference,

abeyance to the ancient gods of nipples and chocolate. Which one was that again? Zeus. Norse mythology there. Dionysus. Belinda felt she'd died and gone to chocolate heaven. Not a real place.

She became entranced and slowly worked her way down the naked body in front of her, slurping as she went. Slurping. She's going to be so full. She's not going to eat her dinner. Alice! What? There will be no need for any sort of dinner that evening. It's like she's eaten one of those

giant Toblerones we were talking about earlier. The aforementioned. It was a perfect dance of two newly introduced females discovering each other and Alphonse was thoroughly enjoying it yeah there you go there was madeleine was taking the lead her masculinity had demanded it of her and belinda was willing to defer do you know what i like about rocky and maybe he's not doing this

intentionally but he hasn't fallen into maybe classic feminine roles here. Like masculinity is something that's maybe not addressed in usual pornography when you're talking about women's sexuality. And he's saying how beautiful she is and how stunning they are together, these bodies entwining. And it's all shapes and sizes, this book. I love it. Don't get me wrong.

The whole thing's gross, but not because of anything to do with masculinity or femininity. The social message is good. The writing's poor. Exactly. Always been the way. Stretched out as she was on the edge of the chocolate pool side, Belinda was enjoying the penetrating fingers of her host.

Kit Kat fingers. So it's Twixes again. Four up there at once. Bloody hell. Her clit was now oh so wet. Oh so? Oh so wet. She orgasmed.

Once. Twice. Thrice. In return, she bit Madeline's protruding nipples extremely hard. Oh, man. Sounds of ecstasy emanated from the woman's lips each time she clamped harder. Clamped. Oh, good noise.

The chocolate had done its worst. That's what you want to hear during sex. Oh, God, the chocolate's done its worst i also feel like the chocolate's probably solidified encasing her it's cracking all over their body a little choco sarcophagus there the chocolate had done its worst now it was hard personal sex which drove the two women onward and upward to sexual fulfillment i feel like people are going to use that phrase personal sex what did you get up to last night it's been a hard personal sex is that with yourself though personal oh i see no but clearly

not because they're together but maybe Alphonse is having personal sex he's very much having personal sex and that's the end of the chat what

oh my god are you for real I mean I'll never watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory ever the same again I feel a bit queasy like I've consumed a lot of chocolate.

Yeah. Alphonse must be gutted. He'll be like, oh, I'm going to get a night with Belinda. We'll do the deal and then we'll go and have sex. Suddenly Madeline comes on the scene. But wait, this is his preferred method. He prefers to watch, so he's fine. Yeah, that's true.

I mean, I feel like maybe he'd want a little bit of titillation. Like maybe a hand job or... Well, you know... Other jobs. He's very business minded. Well, maybe he'll get his in the next... What's the next chapter called? Is he going to get some there?

What? Chapter eight is called A Fucking Good Time. Oh! And I'm sure it will be. Good old fashioned fucking good time. That's what it is. Can we make everybody promise

that they're going to buy a caramac for next week's episode? What? Eat a caramac to next week's episode or throw one up depending on what they do. Oh my God, yeah.

Everyone like send us pictures of them with a caramac. Should we get them in? If you're in another country just the closest thing you can find I think. Something caramelly. Yeah.

That's essentially what it was. It wasn't. It wasn't. It was. It was a caramel flavoured chocolate-like bar. Anyway, get in touch with your Caramacs. Tag us on Instagram at MyDadWroteHer. Tweet us, DadWroteHerPorno.

And we're on Facebook. Just search for MyDadWroteHerPorno. If you're a writer like Rocky and you prefer prose, then send us an email at mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com. And you can buy Belinda Blink 3, the e-book, via all reputable and non-reputable online stores. So we'll be back on Thursday for our next Footnotes episode. And then Monday for a fucking good time.

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