My Dad Wrote A Porno - S3E8 - 'A F*cking Good Time'

Episode Date: July 17, 2017

Alfonse takes Belinda to a private members' club where she takes part in a sex game with some of Belgium's high society... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno Milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner, chocolate spade Dad wrote a porno. Milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner, chocolate speed. Glooping chocolate covered her toes. Her toes?

Her calves. And suddenly a vagina. Head, shoulders, calves, toes and vagina. Toes and vagina. Belinda's tits awoke her with the urgent chemical signals wake up

they'd earlier sent to her mind's eye what what happy Monday everybody it's my dad wrote a porno we're on to episode 8 of Blinderblink 3. Alice, how are you feeling?

I feel ecstatic. James, how are you feeling? I'm good. Can we reveal now that we're over halfway through? Oh, yeah, alright. Because we haven't revealed yet, but there's 15 chapters in this book. 15 chapters of solid gold. People are like, that many? Interesting. Well, when chapters are one side of A4, they can't be really counted as a chapter.

Yeah, pages. Also, why does he insist on printing a book in A4? So, last chapter, do you remember what happened? Vaguely, we were in Belgium. Yeah, with Madeleine Chocolat. Madeleine Chocolat. Or Chocolat, as they would say on the continent. Did we leave Belinda in that pool of...

The Cointreau-flavoured chocolate swimming pool. We thought she may never emerge again. So, shall we delve into chapter eight? What was it called again? It's called A Fucking Good Time. And that's what we're going to have. I cannot wait. I dread to think what Belinda's definition of a fucking good time is, though.

Yeah, what's she been having to date? Well, we're about to find out. I feel like we're in for a wild ride. Buckle in. Belinda Bl definition of a fucking good time is though. Yeah, what's she been having to date? Well, we're about to find out. I feel like we're in for a wild ride. Buckle in. Belinda Blink 3, Chapter 8. A fucking good time. This is my private member's club, said Alphonse, sloppily licking his fingers, as the taxi drew up outside a very imposing stone building

somewhere in the centre of Brussels. Somewhere. We don't know where. The author who's created it does not know where they are. I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you. Also, I don't know. This is a rare chapter in the Finstonian canon in that it's directly followed on from the previous chapter.

I was going to say, why is he licking his finger? Because of the chocolate from Madame Chocolat. Oh. So he's getting the cab from outside the factory? Yes, and it's gone to somewhere in the centre of Brussels. Okay, great. The taxi ride had been short. New paragraph.

That was a paragraph! He's really phoning it in now. I think he accidentally fell on enter. It's like, oh shit, never mind. The taxi ride had been short. Alphonse led Belinda, dressed in her long black evening gown with an extremely low cleavage and backless cut, which just showed the top of her black string thong up the wide stone steps.

Is that normal to have an awful lot going on in our senses? Sorry, is the thong going up the steps? So that thong goes up her crack, up the steps, around the building. But mercifully it's straight. Thank God. That's all we care about. Thank God. They were immediately shown to the building. But mercifully it's straight. Thank God. That's all we care about. Thank God. They were immediately shown to the library.

Oh. Belinda looked around, sensing that this was no ordinary reading room with its chairs and reading tables. Oh, it sounds bonkers. Oh, it's so avant-garde. Its chairs and reading tables. It's no ordinary reading room

with its reading chairs and reading tables. It's no ordinary reading room with its reading chairs and reading tables. And books to read. And yet it has all the ingredients of a classic reading room. Also, when did it change its name from library to reading room? Literally within a sentence. Well, I think Dad's trying to not repeat the use of library. Oh, well done him. For the first time ever.

He's used thong throughout. Can we phase that out? She studied the other time ever. He's used thong throughout. Can we phase that out? She studied the other 18 guests. Count them. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. She's like Rain Man when it comes to numbers. They were all couples.

Oh, that makes it easy, doesn't it? Nine times two. The men were older and the women were younger. Heteronormative James why were they all heterosexual couples yeah are you not

offended by that James Rocky's done no gay nothing with gay men yet not gay men but a lot of bi women yeah he might call on you

as a consultant James hey you're seeing him at the weekend why don't you ask him I'm like Rocky I've got a few videos to show you you can be

his man on the inside for want of a better phrase. Oh. The men were older and the women were younger. They looked extremely ravishing. Perhaps they were all business associates just like her. Ravishing, eh? They all did.

The men and the women looked ravishing. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, maybe. Even though the. The men and the women looked ravishing. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, maybe. Even though the men were older than the women were younger. Do you remember my last few words to you in the maze? The maze? Callback. Book one.

Do we remember his last few words to the maze? Wasn't it like... Diarise this. Wasn't it? Keep notes of everything. It's like James Comey. Write everything down. Wasn't it see you in three and a half weeks?

Yeah. Come on over. Oh, yeah. Do you remember my last few words to you in the maze when I invited you to Brussels? Yes, Alphonse, I do. You said all our ladies are expected to be properly dressed at least when they arrive. I do remember that. Yes, so do I.

Am I correct? Absolutely. And now you will understand the full meaning of my words. I think we understood the full meaning at the time. I think I fully understood all of the words, yeah. We speak Belge. Is he Flemish? I mean, so many questions.

Who knows? Belinda was intrigued. Is this where they retired to a private members room and he had his wicked way with her? How pathetically boring. Especially after this afternoon's excitement. Yeah,

I mean, what's going to top fucking swimming in Willy Wonka's chocolate fountain? Is that what you call it now? That euphemism. It's a gay club in Brixton. It's going to be a gay club in Brixton now.

You know, it's a pop-up. Literally. He popped up. It's a pop-up gay club. At that moment, a butler advanced to the centre of the room. Mesdames, vous voulez? Alphonse whispered to Belinda of the room. Mesdames, s'il vous plaît. Alphonse whispered

to Belinda, the game begins. Please stand on the chair. I will guide you, as you may not understand the rules. They played musical chairs? Has she never played a parlor game? Belinda did as she was told, and looked around.

The nine other ladies were doing exactly the same. Can you imagine? The butler shouted, Monsieur! Monsieur! Immediately, all the men removed their clothes. What?

Even their socks. Is that what it says? How does everyone know the rules? And how does everybody know to remove their socks. Is that what it says? How does everyone know the rules? And how does everybody know to remove their socks? How does everyone know the rules? What is the game? It's a members-only club, though, isn't it? Oh, so it's kind of part of the fabric of the place.

Immediately, all the men remove their clothes, even their socks, throwing them onto the floor. It's going to be a right mess in there. The butler shouted avance the weirdest game of twister I've ever seen this is bizarro

I also hate organised fun yeah I'll be like can I just have a drink do I have to take all my clothes off can't be solid a naked Alphonse

whispered remove your dress Belinda but wait that's not what avance means what is avance advance yeah start I guess oh well start to Remove your dress, Belindaire. But wait, that's not what avance means. What is avance? Advance?

Yeah. Start, I guess. Oh, well, start to remove your dress. Oh. I mean, you've added a bit of meaning on that.

Are we just relying on Rocky's French slash Belger? Well, my dad's a huge Europhile. Like, he loves Europe.

But is he fluent in European? Clearly not, but he likes to think he is. He can communicate with anybody. That's one of my dad's skills in life. Communique. Communique. Pardon, madame. So far, this is not

a fucking good time. Give it a second. The game's just started. You're just the kind of person that would start losing Monopoly and just throw the board over. Party pooper. Cooper. Loved that. That's not the first time that's been said. James Cooper, party pooper. Oh, no, really?

Yeah. Well, read into it, James, and change your ways. I'm the life and soul. Sure. I bring the chocolate fountain. Belinda complied and thought, This is more like it, Alphonse. How quaint.

Me and nine others. Why is she obsessed with how many other people there are? The ten now completely naked ladies stood on their chairs, wearing only their high heels, with their clothing also scattered to the floor around them. It's going to look like a Chinese laundry. What happened to delicately folding stuff and putting it in the corner? That was very book one.

It's very UK. We're on the continent now, Kate. That's not what they do in Belgium, James.ames the butler shouted avance once more and red suited valets appeared in unison and cleared the floor of all the discarded garments good because that was going to ruin it for me you know it's kind of getting hot and heavy and you're thinking, I wish I'd done the washing up. Like, it's all you can think about. So I'm glad. It's a bit Rocky's OCD as well.

Yeah, it really is. Maybe it added that afterwards. It's like, oh, we can't leave those clothes on the floor. Get some valets in. Valets, enter. Avonze, et cetera. Unbeknown to the contestants... Contestants!

This is a game show What's going on Unbeknown to the contestants The club would immediately Send them all to a charity organisation For distribution to its shops Throughout Belgium Oh god

What They're clothes Oh god They're not seeing them again That's it That was a lovely dress. It's not what they agreed to. You're out at the end of the night.

I'm sorry, you've done what? I'm here to collect my clothes. Oh, that's in an Oxfam in Bruges. I don't know why they would do that. What are they going to wear at the end of the night? Their dignity, James. I don't know why they would do that. What are they going to wear at the end of the night? Also... Their dignity, James. They're on all their pockets.

They're like their wallets and their pants. They're all business people. Their dirty pants and socks. Havine's crying. I can't bear it. Unbeknownst to the contestants, the club would immediately send them to a charity organisation for distribution to its shops throughout Belgium.

Immediately as well? That night? Get them in the van. Quick. The engine's going. He said avance again. Off you go. Got those two bars and 101 Dalmatians in the van. Let's go, Horace, quick.

Seconds later, the butler shouted, Descende! So what? Get down, one. Get down, one. Get down, one. Why?

At that command, all the ladies stepped down from their chairs. They got down, yeah. They literally got down. They started boogieing. What is the game? Like, what's the other challenge? What is the game? It's a song we sing.

What is the game? No one knows the game. What is the game? Where my clothes go. What is the game? Where my skirt at. What is the game? My keys are in there.

What is the game? That was my in there. What is the game? That was my grandma's. What is the game? At that command, all the ladies stepped down from their chairs. But wait, one of them must have done it because they knew what that meant and the rest copied because nobody knows what to do. Yeah. The butler then shouted,

Descende! De! So one meant everybody get down Two means Lie on the floor Descende, deux Alphonse, together with the other nine men Helped the ladies onto their backs

Ensuring they were spread-eagled Across the library reading tables What? Helped them onto their backs? I can get onto my back just fine, thank you Where's he got this from, honestly? Allez Go What's helped them onto their backs? Yes. I can get onto my back just fine, thank you. Where has he got this from, honestly? Allez! Go.

Go, we know that one. Was the final command the butler needed to utter as the room descended into a fucking frenzy? Oh, that was quick, wasn't it? I'm surprised he didn't make them go like, Allez, toi! And then everybody just entered in one swoop. It went from n naught to 100 very quick they're in a friend a fucking everything that's preceding that just seems like completely arbitrary

like why were they stood on chairs it's a game it's not a game it's not a game it's the game it's an orgy yeah if they said that from the beginning if they'd been like it's an orgy you'd be like oh yeah obviously alfonso's here he's like a dirty bastard but then when they're like get on the chairs you're like oh what's going on and then they're shouting things and also you two would have rolled your eyes if it was just an orgy like that's a bit of intrigue for you two but you're right there are no rules to the game it's just get on a chair get off the chair yeah but i mean follow the butler's rules is it called follow the butler's rules. Is it called follow the butler's rules? Is it like Simon Says?

Simon Says, fuck. Simon Says, strip. Belinda very soon had her dangling legs wide apart and Alphonse was fucking her like a mad thing. Mad thing! You couldn't think of anything. You just put mad Quite the simile Mad thing

Dangling legs Daddy long legs over there He's got more than two Yeah tentacles I've only got about three minutes left with you Alphonse barked out a deep cough Making Belinda think he was going to exit this life And continue barked out a deep cough, making Belinda think he was going to exit this life and continue.

Exit this life! I'll do that again! I'll do it again! More! More! I've only got about three minutes with you. Alphonse barked out a deep cough, making Belinda think he was going to exit this life and continued. And then I've got to move

unto the lady on your right. The lady on your right. She ain't no lady. All these men were well-versed operators in their own business fields. As a little aside. Do you think it's actually like a lady,

like a lady of the manor on his right? Or is he just using lady like gal? Yeah, because Belgium does have a monarchy. Je sais. Je sais. So is there an aristocracy over there? There must be. Just saying because I'm in quite a grand space, you know.

Yeah, private members club. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Not outrageous. I love the idea that you'd be fucking someone and you'd be like I've only got three minutes left Which immediately is like

Just be in the moment Like don't clock watch And then you'd be like I've only got three minutes And then I've got to Fuck the girl next to you So if we could just Get this done

And then all the other guys That you're going to fuck Are well versed operators In their own business field So really don't worry Like you're going to Have a great old time Alphonse needs to work

On his sexy talk Oh bad news And also It sounds like he's got Like Qatar issues Who coughs during sex. Alphonse needs to work on his sexy talk. Oh, bad news. And also, it sounds like he's got like Qatar issues. Who coughs during sex? Alphonse. Belinda made sure her cervix was clamped tightly around his long cock,

for she needed to give Alphonse a good time, as he was the reason she was here. I'm just saying now, I'm not going to reward bad behaviour. So all I'm doing when I acknowledge the cervix mentions Right Is encouraging him for future books Okay So I'm not going to go there

I'm not going to say anything Unless Alphonse has a massive cock So far that it's like gone beyond cervix It does say long cock Does it? Long cock He's long cock Oh will I take it back?

Long cock Sturbacker Sturbacker actually means long cock in French Her flexing vagina worked his penis hard He's long cock. Oh, well, I take it back. Long cock stirbacca. Stirbacca actually means long cock in French. Her flexing vagina worked his penis hard. She felt excited. I hated the face you just did for that. Also, I love that Belinda finds a way to credit herself for anything. So, like, if they're having good sex, she's working really hard.

Like, she's making sure he's having a good time. And you can't control the vagina in that way, right? I'm sorry? No, genuinely. James, you can grit a pussy. We know this in Belinda Blink 3. No, but you can't control it to the level that she, it's not a hand. It's not a hand, no.

But you can like tense and like. Yeah, of course you can tense, but you can't lower down the trapdoor of the cervix or whatever he thinks is happening. But it literally sounds like prehensile. It sounds like she picks stuff up with it. Like opens bottles with it. She's been to Bangkok. The door handle's slowly turned. It's like the raptors in Jurassic Park. Clever girl.

She like hangs upside down from a tree with it. Her flexing vagina worked his penis hard. She felt excited. The opportunity to meet nine other contacts as seriously connected as Alphonse didn't arise every day and she was going to make the most of it. It literally arises every day. She meets new men every day. I would say this has happened to every day that we've known her.

After about four minutes, the butler shouted, Allez, encore! Encore! Oh, for God's sake. He's a right buzzkill. The grunting and moaning, with the occasional screams from a couple of excited ladies, stopped as the men withdrew and moved on to the next table. Literally like speed dating. Is this what speed dating's like? I mean, it's not quite as sexy but

but do you withdraw and then you go you withdraw from the conversation there's always a withdrawal but it can be metaphorical as her new partner penetrated her oh my god do you want to say like hi i'm brian or whatever first oh hang on as her new partner penetrated her, he passed her his business card. Oh, great, good. At the same time. As his penis went in her vagina, his business card went into her hand.

Oh, my God. Oh, she thought, the Minister of Trade for the Belgian colonies. How useful. That is useful, though, to be fair. To be fair to her, it is. It's better than Grigor Kalansky

isn't it she took his card in her teeth oh well her hands are busy and once again set about tightening herself

to give Monsieur Redot the ride of his week she knows her limitations she's like not of his life because this isn't my best work

but of the week he's got a very experienced French mistress at home. Monsieur Redot. Monsieur Redot. Spell it. R-I-D-E-A-U-X. Redot. Redot.

Redot. He's not a real person, is he? I wouldn't imagine so. Oh, phew. Wait, do you want me to check? Google the Minister for Trade for the Belgian colonies. I can't believe you guys don't know that off by heart. I'm really embarrassed.

Is that even the correct title? Probably not. I mean, what are the Belgian colonies? We're being a bit stupid again. Oh God, we're going to get tweets. So as you would imagine, we're being ignorant, but also Rocky's being majorly out of date. Okay, so we're both wrong.

Well, we still don't know when it's set so it could be yeah precisely well is it set in 1885 we haven't ruled it out typhoid crockery holdings maybe it is um so belgium controlled two colonies during its history the belgian congo from 1885 to 1960 so you know okay for rocky recent past if she's in a miniskirt, that could work. And Rwanda-Urundi from 1916 to 1962. It also had a concession in China, could be referring to that. And was a co-administrator of the Tangier International Zone in Morocco. But they've still got a minister who looks after those areas that don't exist anymore.

Monsieur Rideau, the man to know. Is Rideau short for redundant? So I'm guessing if the colony doesn't exist, the post probably doesn't exist anymore. Probably not. Do you think Rideau is like hanging on to his time? He's an ancient business card on papyrus. He's like, still got the role.

Rideau's 108. He's pumping away. Still got the ministerial cart. Let it go, Rideau. Merci, madame. Oh, God. He panted as his four minutes expired without ejaculation. Oh.

What a way of saying it. He didn't come. Just say he didn't come. My four minutes expired without ejaculation. Think nothing of it, monsieur, Belinda huskily replied, trying to dampen her desire for an orgasm and feeling exceedingly glad he'd been able to control himself properly. Why was she glad? I don't know what that means.

Why is she controlling her orgasm? Like, if she can come, why doesn't she just come? Maybe she wants to come in unison? I don't know. Why? In the Belgian colonies, men come first and women come second oh god i don't know i just feel like just go with it why is she thinking about it so much yeah you're right well i guess she's got eight other to get through and so on yeah but she's female don't forget oh multiples yeah yeah you're right but isn't it it's multiple in one isn't it what's

it again what when you have when women have an orgasm they have multiple at multiple in one, isn't it? Say that again. What? When women have an orgasm, they have multiple at once in one orgasm. What do you mean? Multiple in one. What, like... Like a big one, like a turbo. Buy one, get one free. What do you mean? When a woman orgasms...

Yes. Yeah. That wasn't it. The reason it's so intense and happens less frequently than a man is just because... What do you mean, less frequently? No, more frequently.

Women orgasm less frequently than men no women can orgasm multiple times in a session yeah it's not really yeah

fantastic because men oh god James is now straight then why do women fake it it doesn't mean you can come when you want to come no no

it just means that you in theory in one sitting let's say in one go in one go in one, in one sitting, let's say. Don't say sitting. In one go. In one go. In one game of what? In one set.

You could. In one roll of Yahtzee. Yeah, you could come lots of times. Wow. Because you know how guys, like, once you come, you've got to have a bit of a. Rest. Yeah. Not so with women.

Just keep going. You are fascinating to me. Put him in a test tube, Alice Levine. Smell him on a Petri dish. I feel a lot of this we need to take this off podcast because there's more i have more questions should we just go out for a drink i think we need to no that's not i don't mean like and potentially get together and then that was more just to fill you in on you know everything you need to know the words echoed around the library again.

It's bloody Belgian Bill. The men moved on and Belinda thought, I've heard of speed dating, but this is ridiculous. Giselle and Bella would love it. Yeah, they would. Perhaps you should try

speed fucking in London. I'm surprised it doesn't already exist. Probably does. Around the room, Belinda could see that most of the women were not up to her level of concentrated sex. What, they're just like on their phone? Maybe they're just better business women. One lady indeed was now just giving blowjobs. What a part-timer!

How defeatist. What? That feels like more work. Yeah, absolutely. She's just lying back. It wouldn't take much for her to be soaked in semen, Belinda thought wickedly. It wouldn't take much. What, if she just applied herself better?

Christ. Her thoughts were discarded as her third partner. Can I just say, third partner. We're not going to go through all nine, are we? Oh, God. We better not. He's been skipping so much in this book. Why can't we skip this? Well, all nine are we god we better not like he's been skipping so much in this book why can't we skip this well he doesn't always give us sex does he

so every now and then he feels like we need to have 10 suppose this is like the new maze and it's like five chapters my back hurts don't i haven't got the stamina for it and neither's belinda she does it sounds like alphonse is ready to exit this life. Like, he can't do seven more. Her thoughts were discarded as her third partner of the evening penetrated her vagina. Well, that's what shook her out of her thought. What? No room. It's penis or thought.

That explains so much. It does. That's her character in one. In one vagina, out the other. Penis for your thoughts. In one vagina, out the other Penis for your thoughts He was a lithe-looking, olive-skinned, youngish man Not the youngish man

With a medium-length haircut to be envied Like a bob He's got a lovely glossy mane Like Terry Hatcher in Superman, that kind of really precise bob. As he entered her, she inspected his business card closely. Oh, wow. Way to make a guy feel spesh. It said, any guesses?

Oh, I think it's going to be Marcus Delalio. You're not a million miles away, Alice. Shut up. It said, Aldo Fellini. Oh, come on. Come on. That's really fucking close. Aldo Fellini.

And God help me on this pronunciation. Isn't that a brand of pasta in Lidl? Well, it said Aldo Fellini, Direttore commerciale ine Inca Supermacatos SPA SPA S-P-A Oh just SPA

Capital S Yeah Small P Big A I feel like it's the kind of thing You need to see written down Is it Greek? I don't know

Italian? It sounds Italian Well direct is spelled D-I-R-E Double T-O-R-A Yeah that's Italian It sounds Italian I mean the whole thing

Is an absolute debacle It said Aldo Fellini, Direttore Comerciale Inca Supermacatos SPA. And she was impressed by that. Well, it took her the whole four minutes to read it,

by the sounds of it. And with that, he was gone. Bingo! She thought as she tightened her lids hard. It only took Signor Fellini two minutes to come. And with his release, Belinda let herself have pleasure for her first orgasm that evening. Oh, I love that she's like, let them get their end away. Then, if I've got time left over, that's my personal time because the rest is business time.

They clasped each other tightly, enjoying the combined sensations of sexual release. However, the four minutes, they were over too soon. And Belinda reluctantly let Algo Fellini continue his journey around the room. Instinctively, she knew they'd meet again. I was going to say, that's not the last we've heard of Aldo. You know. She'd make sure of it.

Do you think that she got excited because she hasn't had an Italian yet and she certainly hasn't done a deal in Italy? Yes. Do you think Melinda's going to jump off the table and swap places with someone and just knock someone else off the table? Hiya!

Oh no, we haven't met. Must be my sister. Belinda's sister. Oh, no, but she'd be the opposite. It'd be like Safi. In her fab, wouldn't it? 25 minutes later. Thank God for that.

Skipped ahead. She was still on the table. The butler held his head in his hands. I bet he did. The butler held his hands above his head and shouted, Fenny! Finally. After a few minutes,

all the library members, library, library. Library members. Has everyone got their library card? Got their cards stamped. Their overdue. I wonder how many cassettes

they can get out. Do you remember? Used to only be about three. I loved that and my sisters used to love the furry stickers. Oh yeah. They used to sell furry stickers.

Now, you never used to get a fine for an overdue book as a kid. But when you turned 18, God forbid. Oh, my goodness. And they went straight to like a pound for a day. Outrageous. After a few minutes, all the library members were back sitting on their chairs as if nothing had happened. But still naked and being like, where are our clothes? Oh, wait till they realise.

The only clue to the sexual mayhem of the previous hour was the nakedness of the participants. Quite a big clue then. I wonder what's happened here. Everyone's naked and there's cum everywhere. Janet, I think you're missing all your clothes. The history section's covered in jizz. The men stood up And the ladies joined them

So everyone stood up Then they casually left the room Chatting to each other About the unfortunate performance of the Euro So have you heard about the Euro? It's absolutely terrible So 2014 Greece was an issue.

Get over it. The euro was going to like die. Of course. This was written years ago. That's so funny. He's trying to be topical. I love casually as well, but naked. So.

So Greece is on the decline. We have to bail them out. The euro is sagging like your arse. Outside, ten black Range Rover Evoques were waiting to whisk the couples back to their hotels. A crowd of press photographers had gathered at this point to record the naked library members leaving the building. There's been a leak. Who's talking? It's a lot of the press.

Oh my goodness, because the trade minister, of course. Someone's alerted the paps. It was a bi-annual event and the Belgian tabloids never missed the sexy photo opportunity it gave them. Change the date. Like, throw them off. Pick a new venue. It doesn't always have to

be in the reading room. Alphonse wiggled his rampant cock at them. What an eyeful of this. What are you looking at, sunshine? in the reading room. Alphonse wiggled his rampant cock at them. What an eyeful of this. What are you looking at, sunshine? You've got a big enough lens, man. And whispered in Belinda's ear,

behave as if you were fully dressed. Give them a polite wave and smile. Didn't he just waggle his cock at them? That's his polite smile. Belinda grinned and hoped her MD Tony didn't get the Belgian newspapers too often. Why would he? Whoever buys a Belgian newspaper. Also, there's a thing called the internet.

He might see the picture. As Belinda's luck would have it, their car was the last in the queue. Oh, of course. So she just stood there. She was walking up and down like it was a catwalk, probably. That meant maximum exposure to the press corps. Press corps. It's not international press. Showing her completely naked body.

Can you imagine? Like, Associated Press is there. Getty are trying to get their images. It's like a full press pen. Like at the fucking Oscars Belinda to the right To the right Look up Belinda

Look up Alice They crowded round No they didn't Taking full frontal Ass and breast shots Similar to their actions At the Oscars

No It's not true That's not what they do At the Oscars Dave did you get the breast shot Yeah did you get the ass shot I think we got it then I got full vagina Did you get Lupita Nyong'o's tits Yeah Did you get her back Yeah I get the breast shot yeah did you get the ass shot I think we got it then I got full vagina

did you get Lupita Nyong'o's tits yeah did you get her back yeah I got the back shot hang on does this mean like Belinda's about to be plunged into the limelight

like her breasts but why would you care that an international sales director came out of a well I suppose by a mad woman walking out of private members club

international news but in the way that Liz Hurley she got catapulted into the limelight because she was the plus one a few grand where was that dress

that showed a bit of her side madame madame votre nom s'il vous plaît votre nom they shouted

should we be the press corps should we do it together okay madame madame madame votre nom

s'il vous plaît votre nom s'il vous plaît votre Votre nom, votre nom. S'il vous plaît, notre nom. Il y a de quoi. Madame. Il y a beaucoup de choses pour les gens. Où est la bibliothèque?

They shouted. Belinda didn't answer as she wanted to remain Madame X. Oh, for fuck's sake. To keep the game going. There's no game. That's worse than her actual name, Madame X. It makes it sound like a porn star. There is the famous painting of Madame X of course

Of course Little information made them even hungrier Votre nom, votre nom Votre nom s'il vous plaît I think it's going to be famous The doors to the Range Rover opened And Alphonse and Belinda escaped the press pack I completely get why they might care about the minister.

Because that's like a bit of a political scandal. Yes. And they love that. But not in Europe. You don't think? Well, no. Hollande had a mistress and no one gave a shit. And the likes of Berlusconi.

Yeah, exactly. The tabloids still love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I can kind of get that. Why they give a flying fuck about a girl that works at a Pops and Pans company. A guy that runs, we don't even really know what, do we? A chocolate fountain farm? Like, I don't know.

Why do they care? Because it's unusual behaviour. But why do they care every year? Bi-annually. Bi-annually twice a year. You never know who's going to be there. It's a who's who of who's. It's no one good.

Front page on tomorrow's tabloids, I bet, said Alphonse. My newly divorced wife will have a field day. Oh God, can you imagine being married to Alphonse? Why is everyone getting divorced? Des Martin's divorced. Why are they all getting divorced? Have you heard what's just happened? You don't take vows for this.

He laughed and kissed Belinda's juicy nipples one after the other for the duration of the journey to her hotel. The duration? Oh, God. However, he really did miss the chocolate. I can't believe he's still thinking about that. That was so long ago. He's just had an orgy.

Why is he thinking about chocolate? He's probably hungry. He hasn't eaten. He does need the energy, doesn can't believe he's still thinking about that. That was so long ago. He's just had an orgy. Why is he thinking about chocolate? He's probably hungry. He hasn't eaten. He does need the energy, doesn't he? He's eaten. No one's asked about the clothes. No one said, excuse me, where's my clothes? No one's even noticed.

And that is the end of the chapter. So they will never ask, probably. Wow. That was a fucking awful time. I had the worst time of my young life. Dare I ask where we end up next time? What, the chapter title? Yeah.

Oh. What? It's a Flintstonian curveball. The next chapter is called Yorkshire. Oh! Do you know what I thought? I was going to say Guernsey. And here I was.

That means it's Ken Dewsbury. Which one's he? Mind the pants, mind the pants. Mind the pants, mind the pants, exactly. So he's the RSM that we've probably heard least from. It's Ken's time to shine. I can't wait to see what happens in Yorkshire. Oh, what Yorkshire stereotypes?

There's going to be tea galore. Oh, yeah. There's going to be like, you know... Yorkshire puddings. Yorkshire oh what Yorkshire stereotypes there's going to be tea galore oh yeah there's going to be like you know Yorkshire puddings Yorkshire pudds yeah could be sheep involved oh god I hope not

that's Wales they've got sheep in Yorkshire haven't they I may not know about the vagina but I know where there's sheep alright wherever there's a field there's a sheep

anyway let's see if there are sheep in Yorkshire and join us next week for my dad wrote a porno in the meantime you us next week for My Dad Wrote a Porno in the meantime you can get us on Twitter at

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