My Dad Wrote A Porno - S4E1 - 'Dearly Beloved'

Episode Date: August 27, 2018

Jamie, James and Alice are back with book 4 of Rocky Flintstone's erotic saga, 'Belinda Blinked'. The last book ended with the revelation that there was a spy in Steele's Pots and Pans. Will we find out who it is? Does anybody really care? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, we are back. My dad wrote a porno. We are about to open Belinda Blinked 4. Oh my god, this feels exciting. It's always nice before we open the book and realise what we're about to get into. But I think this is the only time

we've felt this kind of anticipation. Alice is so excited, she's left her coat on. I'm not stopping. She's literally got a shopping bag in one hand, coat on. As soon as you close that book, she's out the door. No, no, no. As soon as I realise that he's not going to reveal

who the special one is, I'm out of here. What do we think? Will we find out who the special one is today or not? I don't know if we're going to find out who the special one is. I'm out of it. What do we think? Will we find out who the special one is today or not? I don't know if we're going to find out who the special one is because it's, let's face it, it's Rocky Flintstone and anything could happen. But I'm very much going to approach this book very differently this year.

Oh. Well, because I think he's becoming a writer of note now. He's writing something legit. Hit James over the head with a brick. He's having an upset. I don't know what's wrong with you and I'm worried. So I won't laugh. I'm going to embrace this

with proper critique are we supposed to actually enjoy the book this time yes there'll be no laughter from me it'll be like Newsnight Review oh okay

I'll be Kirsty Walk Alice you can be someone like Zadie Smith thank you for that Jamie you can be the guest we booked last minute it's my dad's book there's been a drop out

you beasts no but what if what if it just gets really good this book i feel like we should stop taking the piss no sorry i hate to be you know the sane one here but we're reading rocky flintstone it's not gonna make any sense it's still gonna be as batshit crazy as ever and we want that right it'll be weird if it suddenly became good like a page turner anyway so as i said no laughter from me okay we'll hold you to that can you just mute his mic it's easier i'll take your coat off i've told you why i've dressed in the style of belinda and i forgot to put a bra on and i'm cold she's got duchess nips under there oh my god yeah they're poking through

thank god i'm wearing a helga woolen oh God, you've come as all the characters rolled into one. She's got a lovely Giselle cropped hairdo. Wait till you see the thong. All right, Donna. How's your dad been? He's really good, actually. He's currently in Brazil. Wonderful.

Yeah, I know. He's having his tropical season. Didn't he send us a picture the other day of him like double fisting Kyprenius? He did, yeah. He's having a good time. He's enjoying his retirement

and also being a literary sensation. I like the idea of him in Brazil, but I thought he had a sedate kind of time there. But he goes into party mode, am I right? Oh, yeah. He loves the carnival. In fact, every day is a carnival for him. I just imagine him at like a pool party going like,

Hola, you're Rocky Flintstone. Does he know we're opening the book tonight? He does, yes. Yeah. He's very excited. He wants to hear what you both think immediately afterwards. Alice, you can just go in your coat. Oh, the car's running, so yeah.

Was he congering around? Was he like, great, sounds good, woo! He'd actually forgotten that we were doing it. Okay, fair enough. But he wrote them so long ago. Exactly, and it's not really something that he thinks about until they come out, I guess. God, he must be as surprised as anyone else when he listens back.

He's like, God, did I write that? It's kind of like smallpox, isn't it? You don't really think about it until the pustules come. Yeah, and thankfully smallpox is extinct. Hopefully his writing will one day be as well. So let's think back. The last chapter was that mysterious kind of East Berlin meeting with Bish. Yes.

That voice. I hope we get more of that voice. The special one. I kind of love doing Bish. Yes. That voice. I hope we get more of that voice. The special one. I kind of love doing Bish. Actually, no, I don't. Well, do we think that that's going to actually carry on? Because in Rocky world, things just get dropped. This isn't like that, though.

No. This is too big. You think? This is like a game changer. Are you joking? This is the only bit of plot. Everything else feels like a prologue. And then, like, finally, chapter one was chapter 15 of book three.

Okay, well, what do we think the first chapter's called? Because I guess that'll give us a bit of a clue. The special one, I hope. No, you're not right. The special one revealed? Unmasked? I'm just going to say it. Oh, I can't bear it.

It's too exciting. Shall I set a mood? Okay. Belinda blinked four. Shall I set a mood? Do-doom. Do-doom. Okay. Do-doom. Belinda blinked four. Do-doom. Chapter one.

Do-doom. Dearly beloved. Can I just say, James failed at the first hurdle and laughed at the chapter title. Oh yeah, you're so shitty on your rule, Kirsty. Okay, that didn't work. Oh my god, the wedding! This is going to be Giselle and our Tony Our Tony Well if I'd known we were going to a wedding

I would have dressed up And she wouldn't have been wearing that bloody coat I probably would Okay, so the last thing we saw Was that meeting with Bish Belinda Blinked 4 Chapter one. Dearly beloved. Belinda blinked. She must have nodded off. Oh, don't tell me it's all the dream no don't you dare don't you fucking dare hard to do on one leg what she's lost a leg she flamingo after all it was a rainy friday afternoon why is she on one

leg she shook her head as the 10th pair of frilly french knickers scraped down her long legs. Eh? What is going on? I have no idea. What is this series of statements, please? She scooped them up and put them onto the stack of used underwear sitting on her desk. One by one, she set to work, stuffing one at a time into a jiffy bag. I know exactly what she's doing. What? She's putting the knickers on and then posting them.

She's selling used knickers. I know someone who did that. No, you don't. I do. No, you don't. Do we know them? No, it's someone I went on a date with. Oh, my God.

My God. The only woman you've ever been on a date with? No, there was a guy. I went on a first date with this guy. Yeah. And he used to wear pants and then people would order them and buy them off him for like 40 quid a pop. Really? Did he have to pay for the pant?

Because of the margins. I was just thinking margins here. Oh, I think it was like a Primark Y front. Don't worry. It was like a Calvin Klein. So what, he'd just wear them for the day? Wear them for the day. Like, do whatever they wanted him to do.

But who was he? Oh, God, James! Was he like a notable person that people would want his used underwear? What do you mean a notable person? Why would you want... I don't know. Whose pants would you want?

What notable person's pants would you want? Well, I don't know, but it's weird to just want a complete strangers, isn't it? Like, I'd understand if you had like an obsession with someone. Can you? Blue sky thinking, obviously.

I can imagine if you really fancied someone who'd want their dirty kicks. In a jiffy bag. Jamie just wants a jiffy bag. No, he's like a good looking guy, so maybe some people just liked... But when you got home with him, did you think he was undressing you? I didn't go home with him. For romantic reasons, then you just stole your pants.

I didn't go home with him. So, one by one she set to work, stuffing one at a time into a jiffy bag, complete with the latest Steeles Pots and Pans rate card. Oh, God. What? These are like business favours. She licked every envelope closed and triple-checked... A jiffy bag? Come on. Licked it closed. A jiffy bag. And triple-checked the addresses.

Peter Rouse, Klaus Bloch, Alphonse Sterbacher, Jim Sterling, etc. And triple checked the addresses. And you know the other ones. I remember them, so I don't have to say them. And you probably remember them too, but also I'm rocky, so I don't actually remember them. Satisfied, she piled them onto her out tray and called to reception. No. Maeve. Oh, bloody Maeve.

Maeve's like, this is above my pay grade, I'm sorry. These are ready to be posted out, please. Wait, so now she's... She's got one leg and a wheel. She was bored. Oh, so bored with paperwork. That is not paperwork. Nickerwork. So bored with paperwork.

That is not paperwork. Nicker work. She'd been hard at it for a whole two days now, determined to clear her desk, physically of pants, before Giselle and Tony's wedding on Saturday. Fast forward. You can't say fast forward. You can't put fast forward in a book. Fast forward.

You can't say fast forward. You can't put fast forward in a book. Fast forward. Fast forward and Belinda Blumenthal was humming to herself in her large bathtub, smothered in soap suds up to her ear holes. But not beyond. She couldn't hear a thing. So what the hell was the point in the panties thing?

We might come back to it. The early morning sun glinted off St Paul's Cathedral and penetrated her penthouse apartment bathroom. Leaning back, she relaxed, taking care not to splash soapy water over the expensive Thailand forest mahogany floor she'd just had recently fitted. Her house sounds gaudy AF. Like waterbed, Thailand floor.

Do we mean Thai floor or Thailand floor? Thailand floor. Thailand floor. Thailand forest mahogany floor. But Thailand forest floor to me says like bracken and decomposing leaves. So is that all scattered on top of the mahogany? Complete with all the bugs. A few snakes.

Suddenly, her body tensed and twitched as if she'd been stung by a vicious ant. Drowning in the bath. Chiara Montague's submerged head bobbed above the suds. Oh, God! Bella! Bob Shaw! Gasping for both air and penance. I'm not bloody surprised.

Is he suggesting she was giving her oral sex? There were suds from hither to nither. Up to her ear holes. And other holes by the sounds of it. Oh my God, Belinda, did I nuzzle you too sharply? She gurgled. Wait a sec, that description lasted a really long time. Her lung capacity.

She's not a smoker. Comes up with a sn long time. Her lung capacity. She's got a dude. She's not a smoker. Comes up with a snorkel. I'm so sorry, darling. It's fine, Ciara. But I have no desire to be chewed to pieces on this wedding day of all days. Oh, not today.

My God, that's your mum's favourite phrase. That's your mum's phrase. Yeah, my mum says not today of all days on literally any day. Oh yeah, she doesn't say I don't want to be chewed to death on this wedding day. She just says not today of all days. Come sugar puff, I'll put the kettle on. Oh for goodness sake.

So what, has she just stopped mid? Stopped mid. She's like, just stop. Just don't bother carrying on. We're not going to get there. Belinda stood up. The soapy bubbles cascaded down her curved back and over her long legs, where they gushed into a streaming chute into the water below.

That is gravity working overtime, baby. Why is there such a current? Wow, what an impact. Okay. Belinda tightened her bathrobe around herself, making sure her ample breasts were covered, and went to put the kettle on. She knew it would take five minutes to boil.

That is some good kettle knowledge. Five minutes? That seems long. That's quite a lot, isn't it? She's filling it to the top when she doesn't need to, isn't she? Unless you're making a pot. No point. She's not energy efficient, guys.

Nice pad, babe, Chiara purred as her practiced eye followed the london skyline stretching all around the building where the fuck is this wow she's got panoramic views yeah but also did chiara enter through the pipes through the back oh this is nice it's like she must have come in at some point so she she's got panoramic views of London. Yeah. It's all window. Sounds nice. She's doing well for herself.

I mean, that's millions. Yeah. That's those sweet typhoid Benjamins. What? The special one's just got a million euros. Oh. Just saying. Don't want to cast any aspersions.

Also, special one's definitely not been revealed in this chapter. And it was new. Thailand mahogany wooden floor. Jamie, your eyes are so wide. Yeah, she's come into some suspiciously large funds recently. But do master criminals use their swag to just re-floor the bathroom? Surely they've got a bigger grand plan. The dress Chiara had designed exclusively for Belinda

was heaven on a hat stand. I love that phrase. Was heaven on a hat stand. I've never heard that in my whole life. He made it up. He is a writer. He's a writer. He's a writer, my darling. Fast forward.

Heaven on a hat stand. It was heaven on a hat stand. I don't doubt it. Sequined gold. Interesting choice for a wedding. Gold sequins. Sequined gold. It pushed her tits up to her chin.

That sounds awful. And the lugubrious slit up the leg was as classy as it was practical. Practical. So she got her tits around her ear holes. Same as the Serbs. And a huge slit. Isn't there a rule? It's like, don't do tit and leg in the same dress.

Don't do tit and clit in this case. It's ever so practical. And classy. What's it practical for? Riding a horse? Well, running at speed. Oh, Lord. A wedding was always a good opportunity

to make new business contacts. And Belinda, dressed as she was to die for, was now all set. That was a difficult read. A lot of grammatical issues that was uncomfortable for us to hear i love that she's like totally trying to upstage giselle she is the pippa middleton of this wedding yeah oh she's gonna have the pippa tush isn't she yes pippa tush like bright gold like blinding everybody yeah yeah totally don't look at me. Miss Montague's multi-million pound-worthy hands sewed the Steel's Pots and Pans international sales director

into her skin-tight dress with a final stitch. She sewed her in. Into the dress. Into the dress. As the final touches were made to the hem, Belinda got an electric shock. I got one of those today. It's very annoying.

Cool story, bro. Was it static from the dress or Ciara being naughty? Static from the dress. Famously. You could never tell with these public school types. It doesn't mean anything. Not sure. Literally doesn't mean anything.

Just then, Belinda had the urge to kiss her seamstress, but Ciara's mouth was full of pins. No matter, Belinda had to be off, and for once there was no time for yet more hanky-panky. Finally, she's taking a break. I'm sorry you can't be my 21st century date like we discussed, Chiara, but they've been frugal with the plus ones. What's 21st century about it? I don't know.

Lesbians. Oh, wow. So 21st century. So woke. Don't say woke. It just means modern, right? But it's not really modern. It's like, oh, cohabiting before marriage?

How 21st century? Eating dinner at six? How 21st century? Reading your father's erot marriage? How 21st century? Eating dinner at six? How 21st century? Reading your father's erotica? How 21st century? In a very lovely flowery frock with shoulder puffs. That sounds terrible. Isn't a shoulder puff a kind of mushroom?

Ciara looked crestfallen. Wait, she's dressed for it. Oh, fuck, she's dressed for it oh fuck she's dressed for it awkward how would you not know that somebody was dressed for a black tie event and the smallest of salt tears crept from her left eye vagina oh hi elinda's part of the glee team how did you not get a plus one but also giselle and tony have only known belinda for about three weeks so it's not like she's lucky to get an invite frankly they've only known Belinda for about three weeks so it's not like... She's lucky to get an invite, frankly.

So true. They've only known each other for three weeks and they're getting bloody married. She must be really upset because she cried a salt tear. Yeah.

The most sorrowful kind. The saline ones are the saddest. Just close the door on your way out or wait for my drunken ass to return in the early hours. Just close it on your way out. Or wait for my drunken ass to return in the early hours. Just close it on your way out.

That's grateful. Also, is that an ass from the Asses and Donkeys Trust? Belinda winked as she slammed the double padlocked fire door shut. Very security conscious. Very well advised

in that part of London. Double padlocked fire door. It's just locked Chiara Montague. She padlocked her in. It's a fire door, she'll never get out. Why can't something in her life be normal? Why does even the lock on her door have to be insane? My dad is a bit obsessed with security though.

I think all dads are a bit obsessed with like padlocks and locking things properly and triple locking my mom and dad don't like keys to be on show so they always hide like the keys under like a sea of newspapers on the table if they leave keys out for you yeah they're like if somebody looked through the window they'd see them it's like no but people know we have keys they're not like this house has keys break in immediately when my parents go out they literally turn on more things than when they're in like this house has keys break in immediately when my parents go out they literally turn on more things than when they're in like they turn on all the tvs they look every light it's like you can see into the living room there's no one watching the tv it's like the home

alone scene where he's got all those like figures on train tracks dancing at a cocktail party it's ridiculous get the blender on, Nigel. They love a shredder as well. What, on when they're out? No, no, no. They just, like, any mail they get, they, like, shred it

before they even read it. That happens at about, I'd say 55, 60. They get the shredder and then they're like, sorry, can't talk, shredding, bye. My life cannot have a paper trail. Good day.

Belinda parked her Jaguar. Jaguar? I thought she had a Mercedes. Oh no, but hang on, she crashed it. So maybe this is her basement. It's a hire car. Or maybe she's got

a nice Fuji car for the wedding. Oh yeah, splashed out. Splashed out. Belinda parked her Jaguar in the last available space in the very large church car park. Not that large, last space. Good God, she thought.

And then remembered she was on hallowed ground. You can't even think it. He'll know. Sorry, God. Sorry, God. Oh, my God. Sorry, God.

Soz, God. Sorry, God, but I really didn't think so many people would be here. Is she a religious woman? Wait, you know, God's everywhere if you believe in think so many people would be here. Is she a religious woman? Wait, you know God's everywhere if you believe in God. Omnipresent. If you think, oh my God, wherever you are, you should be saying sorry God every time. Sorry God, but I didn't really think

so many people would be here. It's a wedding. God nodded. No, no. Shut up. Even he was surprised, if truth be told. Sorry. What? You can't put God as a character in Belinda Blinked. We have to cast God.

Who's going to play God? I just don't, I don't know where to look anymore. Sir Ian McKellen would have a good God voice, I think. What was the line? The God line? No, he actually doesn't even speak. He just nods. Everything's happening in people's minds right now. I think we all need to go to confession after this. Yeah, for sure. Belinda

walked up the aisle, feeling like Penelope Tree. Who's Penelope Tree? I don't know. Penelope Tree. Should I Google her? Yeah. Google her. Belinda walked up the aisle, feeling like Penelope Tree. Wait, do you know?

I have no idea. I never know who anyone is. Is Penelope Tree suddenly a character? Penelope Tree is an English former fashion model prominent in the swinging 60s in London. Oh, it's like Twiggy. Yeah, so great. Tree and Twiggy. What are the chances?

You'd probably know her from, from well actually nothing because I really don't recognise her face clearly Penelope Tree was very big in Northern Ireland in the 60s

clearly so what made her feel like oh because she was treating it like a cat walker I mean we

had to find that what a reference fucking hell also stop cat walking down the aisle not your job get a seat

not your day yeah because I bet Giselle's right behind her like excuse me Belinda I'm trying to walk down the aisle here. Da, da, da, da. And she's like, yeah, baby. Penelope Tree.

I'm channeling Penelope Tree. Yeah, peps. The peps love me. Please, no pictures. She sensed eye upon eye upon eye focusing on her jiggling ass. Just the three I's then. One whole person and... the three I's then. One whole person and...

The three I raven. She sensed eye upon eye upon eye focusing on her jiggling ass. I love eye upon eye. What are all these one-eyed people in the congregation? Eyes of those she loved. And eyes of those she had yet to love what does that mean how many people is it how many eyes so have some people got one eye on the bride and one eye on

her also she's only sensing it so she sensed eye upon eye upon eye focused on her jiggling ass eyes of those she loved and eyes of those she had yet to love. Is this a verse from the Gospels? At the front of the church. Is this the vows? At the front of the church, Belinda noticed an older woman very similar to Giselle, but without the shorn hairstyle.

Obviously she'd had better sex or whatever the rule is. Well. Oh no. either obviously she'd had better sex or whatever the rule is well it must be her sex starved dutch slash belgian mother she mused sex starved imagine if that's the first thing you think about someone's mum what is wrong with you in church oh no she's got hair so obviously she's not having good sex that's it i always forget how it works it's how it works. It's a genital disease. It's a genital disease. On the other side of the aisle was a tall man with a brusque moustache and no companion to speak of.

It just means there's no one sat next to him. She's so sassy. Sex-starved, loner. So judgmental. God, she's so Penelope Tree. But also just jumps to conclusions. He'd been a widow for years. No, you don't know that. It's just no one sat next to him.

It had to be Tony's dad. Why? Like his son, he was ex-army. Ooh. Did we know that Tony was ex-army? No, new detail. Like his son, he was ex-army. And someone you didn't tangle with.

Is she deducing this just from looking at him? I think so. With her eye. How can you see ex-army again? It's the moustache. Just the brusque moustache. She'd heard Tony's mum had succumbed to yellow fever years ago. Oh, fuck off!

No, she hadn't. What year? What year had she succumbed to it? She'd got Viles disease from the rats, yeah. What are you on about? Yellow fever. She'd heard Tony's mumma to come to yellow fever years ago when they were all posted overseas. Oh, my God.

What, in like the 1700s? This very 21st century yellow fever, Nat. Also, way to ruin a wedding. Jesus, bringing up the yellow fever in loners. Hello, you must be the chap whose wife died of yellow fever many moons ago. Congratulations, I've such a happy day for you. You don't look like you've found anyone since. You look companionless.

Oh, here we go. Uh-oh. Bella. Oh, God. Back under into the empty seat next to her. Bride or groom, Bella? Neither of them want you. She looked stunning, piled in...

Piled? Folded? Poured? Stuffed. Like taxidermy. She was rigid in her dress. She looked stunning, piled into a white evening gown. White?

White. That's rude. That is a big no-no, isn't it? It's a huge no. It's like the only no, really. You'd get away with being dressed as the Oscar, but you'd not get away with a white dress. Evening gown, it sounds like a wedding dress.

She's literally in a fucking wedding dress. That takes the absolute biscuit. I wouldn't expect any less of Bella, to be honest. I don't think she'd be wearing anything. She looked stunning, piled into a white evening gown. The rhinestone jewellery was particularly eye-catching, Belinda thought, when Giselle,

on the arm of a strange man, passed by her. A strange man, or potentially her dad. Someone we are yet to meet. The only person that you could actually properly deduce who it is. Who the fuck is that? What a strange old man. Kick him.

The bride slowly made her way up to the altar. Oh my God, Giselle's getting married. This is quite a big moment in these books. I don't know, I feel like there's a twist coming. Oh, do you think? The bit where you shout out, where they say if anyone objects i love that bit the bride slowly made her way up to the altar her large nipples quivering at the sound of the bass notes in handel's masterpiece it truly is the happiest day of her life giselle knew this was her day And she knew it

She'd worked months No years To achieve this result Not a steals It's an odd turn of phrase This result Yeah Just with you know

What's going on in the background here Someone's the special one So Belinda's got a nice lovely pad With you know Lovely wooden floors Oh James Giselle's achieved a result That's not really how you know, lovely wooden floors. Oh, James. Giselle's achieved a result.

That's not really how you describe your wedding day, is it? That is a good point, yeah. And you're also right with what's going on in the background. Very far in the background. Can we foreground the special one, please? Bella's sat there squeezing her dress, probably drinking the altar wine. Nibbling on the wafers. Yeah.

That's delicious. As she greeted Tony at the altar, handsomely dressed in his finest clothes. I would hope so. He's dressed beautifully in a shorts and t-shirt. Handsomely dressed in his finest clothes. Bella turned and half shouted, Belinda, I think this is the happiest day of my life.

Bella, shut up. The wedding... Who yells when a wedding's started? It's not audience participation. But we've been at weddings where, like, there's a rowdy, like, family member or something. Have you? What, been a bit too much? It's rarely at the ceremony, though. Yeah, just as the bride and groom get to the altar.

It's normally after a few too many champagnes. Which she's probably already had, to be fair. What time is it? Twelve? There, there, dearest Bella. Every dog has its day. Look at how every dog has its day.

What a bitch. There, there, dearest Bella. Every dog has its day. Belinda whispered as she positioned her hand over her colleague's crotch. Thank you for that comforting pat on the vagina. Oh, wow. It went from a pat to a dab.

What? To a full-on caress. A dab? A dab. We discussed the difference in each of those. She's not getting a stain out. What's she doing? You pissed yourself.

I would say a dab is with a damp J-cloth. Yeah. So what was it? A pat? A pat to a dab to a full-on caress. I think none of them

are appropriate in a church. It's true, yeah. We're getting a bit lost in the lexicon and we should really be focusing on the fact that this is a wedding in a church. They're going,

I do! And she's got like two fingers up there. Not now, sweetheart. I just think before she felt bad about thinking the word God. Now she's frigging someone off in the front aisle.

Oh God! Amen! Oh God, that phrase. I hate that phrase. I hate that phrase. I mean, say what you see. It wasn't long before Bella had mucus emitting from every hole. Oh. Don't be dirty, Rocky.

Her nose is running. Tears from her eye ducts. Eye ducts. Tears from the eye pipes. He spelt ducts with a K. Eye ducts. Bless. tears from the eye pipes he spelt ducks with a K eye ducks bless eye hyphen ducks tears from her eye ducks

stop saying tears from her eye ducks tears from my eye ducks tears from her eye ducks stop saying it sars from her eye duct. Stop saying it. Snot from her nose. And divine juices from her labia. Well, I mean, they are divine in the house of God, aren't they? Yeah.

That is truly holy water. I really hope it's been blessed. I was going to say, her vag has been blessed. I hope it doesn't get dabbed on anyone, because don't they do that with holy water? Flicked on you. Dipped a baby in it. Oh, God. I can walk.

I can see. If Bella becomes a healer, I'm out. She might turn the wedding banquet into extra portions at this rate. Oh, my God. Water to jizzy water. Dearly beloved, the vicar droned on. He's just spoken.

It's the first thing he said. It's a fast forward. We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of, oh. Why is it Alan Carr? I'm actually like a doddery old man hello hello there's so many lovely people here oh oh okay this is interesting what do we think tony's surname is oh do we not know blinked

steals no oh god we are gathered here today to witness the marriage. We are gathered. Why is he so vibrato? We are gathered here today. There's a lot of echoing, isn't there? It's a very theatrical place. Will you take this woman's hand? Why is it a West End wedding?

We are gathered here today To witness the marriage of Tony Sylvester Sylvester? That's his surname? Sylvester Not so weird, okay Oh God, this is going to be an absolute honker, isn't it?

I think I can do it And Giselle Is it just a lot of consonants? Mars Chalk and Weird. Declots. Declots. I don't... Let's see.

What did you even say? That's literally every letter in the alphabet. You didn't say anything before Declots. And Giselle Mars ChCharlcover de Klotz. This is Sylvester, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, seriously. Well, she's Dutch, I guess. What does that mean?

We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of Tony Sylvester and Giselle Mars-Charlcoeur de Clotts of Steels, Pots and Vans. You don't say Steels, Pots and Vans. You don't have that in your name. You don't say the places of work of the bride and groom. It's not like of...

Of Tesco. It's almost like when you introduce the royals. You know when they say like lady so-and-so and so-and-so of Holland or whatever. Very grand, but not appropriate. Queen Beatrix of Luxembourg. Precisely. We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of Tony Sylvester and Giselle Mars Chalkover de Klotz of Steeles, Pots and Pans.

Blah, blah, blah, Belinda's mind interrupted. That's about 20 seconds in. And also, did her mind interrupt? I'm so sorry, that was my mind. Please ignore it. Blah, blah, blah, Belinda's mind interrupted. Nothing beats the efficiency of a registry office, she joked with herself.

I do agree on that. Completely agree. It took all her refinement not to burst out laughing well done well done for holding it in what is wrong with her today today oh no but she's been quite rude today happiest day of giselle's life but even with chiara being like shut the door behind you or whatever i don a slight figure under a big hat and long morning coat snuck as quietly as he could into the back of the empty chair. I thought it was the Queen Mum. It doesn't sound like a man. It literally doesn't sound like the Queen.

Hat and morning coat. Really a man. To read back. Definitely a man. A slight figure under a big hat and long morning coat snuck as quietly as he could into the back of the empty church. It's Bish. Oh, fuck off. No, it's not. What's a morning coat?

It's like posh wedding wear for men. But kind of like a long... It's quite long, yeah. But I can imagine that's what Bish would wear. And what have you said, a sombrero or whatever? A big hat. A big hat. Could be.

A big hat! A big rubber hat for Duchess's stash. A pink cowgirl hat. So in between the short hymns, you could just discern the sound of his wooden bamboo cane tapping on the cold stone floor. Why is he doing that? Very incognito.

Belinda secretively craned her head to either side and then back for confirmation of her suspicion. What? What? The figure coughing a silent horse cough. Oh, James, I think you're right. I think you're right. I mean, a silent horse cough. Oh, James, I think you're right! I think you're right! A silent and horse.

I don't know if that works. How does it work? Slowly inched his way to a wooden pew behind a large stone pillar tucked away from view. Oh my god, this is so insane! Is this book actually getting good?

Perspiring freely. Oh, okay. Freely. Just splashing it about everywhere. He had the agency to sweat. Perspiring freely, the phantom sat down, exhausted.

Is it the phantom of the opera? Removed his half mask and began to sing. The ten-minute walk, no crawl, from the car park had nearly done for him. Well, there were no spaces left. He must have gone to the overspill. Well, if it is Bish,

we know he's got, like, consumption or something, hasn't he? But he knew he had to be there. Why would Bish have to be at Giselle's wedding? Because Giselle's the special one. Hang on. What? Belinda thought. Oh, that's shit.

That doesn't mean anything. That could not possibly be ellipses. He wouldn't dare. What? Ellipses. Wait, wait, wait. One question. Yeah. Belinda knows Bish. Well, don't know. Wait ellipses wait wait wait one question yeah

Belinda knows Bish well don't know wait wait wait but do we think she knows Bish as in like do we have evidence

that she knows Bish well she knows that Bish is obviously their big competitor because at the Schweinsteiger she was told about that

right but I'm not sure if she's ever met him or why would she know what he looks like unless she thinks that she was the special

oh my god or she actually thinks it's the Phantom of the Opera. Oh, what's he doing here? It's a Saturday. He's got a matinee on. That could not possibly be. Ellipses. He wouldn't dare.

Ellipses. Surely. Is she saying ellipses? Ellipses. Ellipses. Is she sat next to someone called Ellipses? is she saying ellipses ellipses ellipses is she sat next to someone called ellipses it can't be ellipses

ellipses you listening dearly beloved oh for fuck's sake why'd you start it again the vicar continued rewind what is this

oh my god it's the classic re-ewind What is this? It's the classic re-ewind on that It's a pull up Dearly beloved The vicar continued If anyone has anything to say No that's not what you do It's not any other business It's not does anyone else have anything to say

Why these two people Should not be married. Ellipses. Why would ellipses care? Ellipses sit down. Ellipses used to go out with Tony. Belinda blinked. Oh God, my mouth's gone really

dry. That's the end of the chapter. Oh God! Oh my God! It's the most eventful first chapter of any of the books. That was actually really good. It got good. Yeah, it got good.

It got sagged in the middle. What? No. Bella was coming all over the chapel. Yeah. So we're not going to find out who the special one is in chapter one well clearly no well that was the end of chapter one but i feel like we're getting close yeah there was a few like hints and nods also he hasn't forgotten about it that's probably the best thing that we've learned is that that's a one it's a thing he's gonna carry this through i think that has to be bish it has to be but who does belinda think it is bish well if she's

the special one but oh my god but no she could know what bish looks like without being the special one because you would know what your competitors look like yeah yeah yeah she'd be like you must be quite famous exactly so she could just be thinking how dare we turn up to this private event the cheek yeah and then the whole thing with giselle achieving her goals or whatever it was it's making me think more that it's Giselle but then Belinda had that new flooring so many questions guys it's always the mahogany that throws you in these narratives um yeah wait interesting are we back we're totally back also we're back but are we invested it's the first time we've thought there's something next yes there's the point of a second chapter can we know what the next chapter is called the next chapter is called tony's secret oh my god. I've got mucus coming out of every orifice right now.

And some really exciting news before we run off. Yeah. Especially for people who haven't been able to make it to a live show, all the international blinkers around the world. Yeah. We're bringing our live show to HBO. We are. We're doing an HBO special.

Reading the lost chapter so you can all enjoy the batshit craziness of my dad's writing do you think Rocky's ever heard of HBO well he loves Game of Thrones is he a Sex and the

City fan more Sopranos but I think he loves their output Belinda Blinked is very much the modern Sex and the City though I would

argue yeah that's true actually that's why they're interested in the first place the original Glee team

oh my god it is they're just missing a who's the quiet one Charlotte Charlotte they're just missing a Charlotte Who's the quiet one? Charlotte? Charlotte. They're just missing Charlotte. And obviously we'll need an audience.

Yes. So... That'll be good. That'll be helpful. It'll make the difference, wouldn't it? Hearing some laughter would be nice. So keep your eyes peeled because we'll be releasing information about tickets

in the very near future. So, so exciting. Just if anyone's interested, Alice still has her coat on. You off? I've got my morning coat on well it is time to be

off to be fair so yeah come back next Monday hashtag porno days are back and we want to hear your theories we want to know

what you think's going to happen yeah so tweet us at dad wrote a porno or have a little peek at the Instagram at my dad wrote a

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A big thank you to ACAST for hosting this podcast, and we'll see you next week. You're off then, Al. Yeah, well, I mean, I have been for about 35 minutes. Come on indoors there. Double padlock it on the way out. Bastard.