My Dad Wrote A Porno - S4E10 - 'Clit Talk'

Episode Date: October 29, 2018

Belinda works up an appetite with Mistress Sweetjuice at the Moulin Marron. The hunt for the Special One takes a suspicious turn... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Picture this, you're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hi guys, and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. How are you guys? I'm great. Good, me too. I'm not very well. That's a surprise. My glands are swollen. Get the tiniest violin in, where are we? Essex. Alice, feel.

I don't really want to touch. Feel my glands. Do you mean you're clammy? You're quite sweaty. I had to move away from he looks quite contagious. Do you know what glands are? Well, people don't know which glands I'm touching. You're the worst mother ever. Sorry, no. This is because you've been boozing all week.

I'm not giving you any sympathy because you've been on the booze train to booze city. Can you stop saying booze? You sound like my mum now. On the plus side, I can hear myself and I do sound really sexy. You look clammy. Shut up.

They can only hear me. Stop describing what I look like. Are you wearing your ill clothes? His shirt is flannel. Is it just to dab yourself momentarily?

You're actually making me feel really hot now. But is this your kind of at home not going to see anyone look? Says the woman in a pyjama top.

It's a kimono. It's very nice. I've got a very good view of your cleavage there. Ew. Ew, indeed. I don't want to feel any sicker.

Sorry, I keep meaning to tell you guys this, but I recently learned a new word that I think Rocky can benefit from. Stop.

Thesaurus. I was on holiday with my family recently. We were all at the pool. And my mum just suddenly is like lying on a lilo and out of nowhere goes, who's got their foot up me joff? I'm sorry, what?

I was like, what's a joff? I've never heard joff before. And what does that mean? Yeah, where was someone's foot? Oh, it does mean what it sounds like. There's a lot of questions. What's a Juff? Whose foot?

Whose foot was it? Why was it up there? Who was towing your mum in the pool? Juff. So if Rocky wants to use Juff at any point in any books, I just thought it was Jean. I was like, mum, where'd you get Juff from? Juff.

Have you heard Juff before? No. Well, I've heard it a lot tonight. You've said it loads. He's also perked up a lot. Look at that. When his next deal just mentioned Juff repeatedly. His mother's lot tonight. You've said it loads. He's also perked up a lot. Look at that. When his next deal just mentioned Juff repeatedly. His mother's Juff.

It just really killed me. I was like, don't say who's got their foot up my Juff. It is quite fitting, though, for the next chapter. Do you remember what it's called? No. Oh, no. Clit talk. Oh, my God.

That's where the clit is. Yes, exactly. The Juff. Up the Juff. Up the Juff. Is it on the Juff or in the Juff? It's difficult to know because I'm not completely sure what Juff is have we all got juff is juff a state of mind i think you've definitely got juff i've got juff but have you got juff if you believe you've got juff

i feel like juff and sue are friends of my mum and dad you've definitely been around there for cocktails um we're on episode 10 now as well how many chapters are there in this book we haven't even asked oh have we not said no exclusive reveal yeah if you say 27 I will cry

what I will say is unlucky for some definitely me 30 30 oh my god yeah I mean

sorry I literally know I say this every year but narratively speaking it's been very disparate it's been patchy but I think it's been more kind of

on the same trajectory throughout he normally kind of goes off on divergence that never go anywhere loads of cul-de-sacs all in a row whereas this one

we're kind of doing the scenic route but we're getting somewhere I feel so he's got four more to like make this all make sense great

and only four more weeks of us have to see each other James you're such an optimist he's not going to do it in four more chapters I mean what can you do in four more chapters what's the point this all makes sense. Great. And only formal weeks of us have to see each other. James, you're such an optimist. He's not going to do it in formal chapters. I mean, what can you do in formal chapters? What's the point? So do you remember where we left it?

Of course not. It was like the Moulin Rouge, but it wasn't. Oh, the brown one. The Moulin Marant. The Moulin Marant, oui. And we were just introduced to Mistress Sweet Juice. Oh, I forgot about her. So she was doing that Strip tease with the balloons

And food Oh yes Yes On like a bungee cord Or something from the roof Something like that And they were shooting Pork pies out of the sky

Or something People were snacking Yeah And wanking probably So are we still in France At this point I can confirm that We're still in France

We're still in France Okay good Well on y va Let's do it Okay Belinda Blinked 4, Chapter 10, Clit Talk.

PP led Belinda... Oh, Penelope Polley. Penelope Polley, otherwise known as PP, who is quite pissed. Oh, yes. PP led Belinda up the winding staircase into the all-seeing eye of the Moulin Marant. How is it the all-seeing eye?

I think it might be the eye of the Moulin. Oh, literally the letter I? No, the hub of the windmill. You know? Like, you know the bit that's kind of like... What? The central bit of the windmill. You know? Like, you know, the bit that's kind of like... What? The central bit of a windmill. Where the fan connects to the building.

Yeah. And you can see everything from there, can you? Sorry, I'm being stupid, but my windmill architectural knowledge is quite poor. Yeah, sorry, they call that the Isle of the Moulin. You need to get back to Amsterdam and do some research into windmills, I must say. Do you all know that?

Is the Isle of the Windmill a known thing? I've literally never heard that. All I think has happened here is he watched Moulin Rouge before he wrote the last chapter and he's, like, literally he's writing the story of Moulin Rouge. The bit when Nicole Kidman sings the song and then they go up to the elephant and sing the elephant love medley.

That's pretty much what we're about to do here. Oh, really? So what's going to happen? Do a little prediction. Yeah. So they'll sing a song then like the duke will come in

okay who could the duke be the duchess I guess or the grand dolduke of Clarence or whatever yeah great what else happens in the film it's been a while

since I've seen it believe it or not isn't it one of your favourite films it was it hasn't aged well has it I legitimately hate it

so I never thought it aged particularly well you remind me every day you quote it, so I never thought it aged particularly well. You remind me every day, Jamie. You quote it a lot. I haven't seen it yet. You've never seen Moulin Rouge? Alice, you're not missing anything. Just read this book.

You've never seen Moulin Rouge? Well, I know what it's about. What's it about? A knocking shop, isn't it? In a moulin. It's actually a burlesque show, but... No, it's not. It's a brothel.

They're prostitutes, aren't they? Oh, they are prostitutes. It's actually a dance club. No, it's not. They's a brothel. They're prostitutes, aren't they? Oh, they are prostitutes. It's actually a dance club. No, it's not. They're doing their ballet and their tap. It's a cabaret. Yeah. The circular room was a sumptuous chocolate box of interior design.

Doesn't mean anything, does it? Everything was a different shade of brown. Oh, wow. Oh, God. Quite the palette. Well, the Moulin Marant, I mean, I does it? Everything was a different shade of brown. Oh, wow. Oh, God. Quite the palette. Well, the Moulin Marant, I mean, I guess it would be. So she has taken him up basically to the equivalent of the Moulin Rouge elephant. Oh, okay, good.

So far, so good. So far, so good, tick. I do so hope you have not eaten, dearest Belinda, for mistress sweet juice is a world eminent feed. That's a sexual thing, right? Feeding. Feeding. Yeah, yeah, getting someone nice and plump.

But what's the thinking behind it? Because you like fatter people or because you, so they can't move? I think it's, yeah, maybe it is a kind of power thing. People get off, don't they, on kind of being able to control someone and control someone's eating and how much they eat and when. Or maybe they just like seeing, I mean... I'm happy to be fed. I honestly don't always have time to go to do a big shop.

So is there a little deviance or a little quirk that is just being fed, roasted? Yeah, seriously. Can you like order a feeder to go? Like a deliveroo, but a sex man. Yeah, you can watch me eat this trifle, you little kinky bastard. Are you paying? For Mr. Sweet Juice is a world eminent feeder, Pee Pee cackled. Belinda was intoxicated with buzz.

What beer? She's had a gram of buzz. Oh, that's bud, isn't it? That's a bud or a bud light. So what is she on? Buzz. So she's on buzz this evening. Is that the latest thing?

Like meow, meow or whatever? Possibly. Maybe it's the sister of the Taran Rex flute. And also, what do they mix buzz with pizzazz flamboyance flamboyance you know you never know what's in your drugs these days i'm having a line of joie de vivre oh god i think this has got razzmatazz in it so belinda was intoxicated with buzz. She had heard of this kink, but never thought herself lucky enough to indulge in it personally. Oh, she's going to be the Fed. Yeah, because I think Mistress Sweet Juice is the feeder.

So she's the feedee. She's the attender. Yes, the Fed. With a knife and fork. Let alone in a windmill atop the city of lust. God, it's a dream, isn't it? It's a dream we dare not whisper. One day I'll be fed in a windmill.

You must be able to tap out though. Sorry, I'm asking for a friend, but you must be able to be fed, but then be like, I'm full. Oh, I would imagine so, yes. And do you have the food served to you and then you eat it yourself or you literally, it's put into your mouth?

Oh no, I can't have that. I can't have somebody actually literally feeding me. i don't know i can't abide that i can't abide that when you've got a like a boyfriend or a girlfriend who insists on feeding you stuff off the fork no i think they literally spoon it into your mouth but why is that because it's controlling or because it's just icky it's like one of those weird pda things where it's like when you see couples feeding each other. I'm like, is there on the plate? Have it if you want it. So she never thought herself lucky enough

to indulge in it personally, let alone in a windmill atop the city of lust. Don't say atop, it's just at the top. Also, isn't it the city of love, not lust? Somewhere distant, a bugle sounded. Very distant. At the garden oar.

Somewhere distant, a bugle sounded. Very distant. At the garden oar. Somewhere distant, a bugle sounded and all the lamps went out. Oh, Jesus. Then on again. Within the Moulin Marant or across Paris. Power cut across the whole of the City of Lust. A sail of the windmill passed its eye, revealing the rotund figure of Mistress Sweet Juice.

Oh yeah, she's a larger lady, isn't she? Yes. A fuller figure. She was head to toe in a skin-tight, white latex bodysuit with a dog collar studded with licorice all sorts. Yas, queen! suit with a dog collar studded with licorice all sorts yes queen i'm loving the body confidence of mistress sweet juice she does not give two shits she sounds pretty awesome actually i really was worried about the dog collar because i was like oh he's not really gone down this kind of bondage

s and m licorice all sorts no spikes god i wish i had the confidence to wear that sort of what read it again why is she wearing um so she was head to toe in a skin tight white latex bodysuit this is a revelation that james wishes he has the confidence to wear a latex white bodysuit i actually went to a party once dressed as a twister board you were so good that night i saw photos it was like a morph suit and it had like all the the dots of aister thing on. It's cool. And there was a green spot on my penis. And that was actually basically, his background was white. That was a white catsuit. Yeah, so I've kind of done it before.

You have been, Mistress Sweet June. We just need to get you back to that confident place. She even had a tail of flumps, which she was swinging dominantly. What, the marshmallows? I thought they were called frumps for so long, which she was swinging dominantly. What, the marshmallows? Mm. I thought they were called frumps for so long. Which is kind of, they are. They do make you feel a bit frumpy.

They do. They're quite squishy and on. And very, very sickly. I mean, you're going to throw up pretty instantly. Yeah, I was going to say, you can't really swing a tail of flumps dominantly. They're so, like, flimsy and like, oh, look at my flumps. I mean, they are just essentially big kind of tubes of marshmallow, right? Yeah, but sometimes in quite jazzy arrangements.

Yeah, like plaits and things. Yes, exactly. A twist, a French twist. Belinda had never seen a sexier sight in all her years as a resident of Planet Earth. A resident. Not even a national, a resident. That makes a resident of planet Earth. A resident. Not even a national. A resident. That makes a lot of sense.

She's totally an alien from out of state. She's a naturalised citizen of Earth. I haven't thought of a voice for her. Well, it sounds like Madame Sweet Juice is more dominant. So maybe we go a little deeper in tone. I picture her a bit like a non-malevolent Ursula from Little Mermaid. But what about a French Cher? Oh, that's good.

That's good now. I'm trying to think of Mamma Mia 2. Grandma, you weren't invited. Honey, that's the best kind of party. Like that. So, is this the famous pots and and Pans, mademoiselle? Oh, I love it. Lovely.

Yes, I am Belinda Blumenthal. It's an honour to meet you, Mistress Sweet Juice. Silence. What? Silence. Howled the mistress as she cracked her marshmallow whip on Belinda's outstretched hand. Well, that'd just dissolve, wouldn't it? Yeah, the flumps would just go everywhere.

She just reaches out with a hot chocolate. Thank you. Turns into a s'more as though Belinda's hot ass. To be fair, that is sexy. Pardon? Pardon? Belinda murmured. I hope you is en gré, chérie, Pee-Pee said as she took her viewing stool on the edge of the circular room.

I'm not sure what is more... I don't know what position I'd want to be in this. So Pee-Pee's watching. She's the voyeur. Sweet Juice is feeding. Yeah. Belinda's eating. Well, about to be.

Yeah, I'd imagine. Should we guess what's on the table? Okay. Well, hang on, Jamie. You were in France recently eating a lot. Yeah, didn't you go to something called Flunch? Alice, stop outing me as a Flunch eater. Yeah, I did.

I love Flunch, though. Sorry, sorry. What the hell is Flunch? It's a staple of my childhood. I used to go a lot as a kid. Sorry, what the hell is Flunch? It's a staple of my childhood. I used to go a lot as a kid.

It's basically like a cafeteria that you'd find in supermarkets or kind of motorway service stations in France. Is it like an Ikea cafeteria? It is. It used to be really, really good. Kind of one of the best eating places in France. Stop doing that with your serious face. Sorry, is this somewhere you went with Rocky? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rocky used to love a flunch. What is flunch, though? Because is that free lunch? That's food lunch? French lunch. French lunch. French lunch. It's unclear.

Such an awful word. It sounds like flunge or like... Gunge, yeah. It doesn't sound nice. It doesn't sound like somewhere hygienic for eating food. No, much like the setting we're in now so do you think the rocky's inspired by the flunch has gone by i don't know if that's the right use of flunch but is it a verb or a noun do you flunch or is it a

flunch i think you can go and flunch you guys want to come flunch with me go flunch yourself don't flunch with my heart. Take me to flunch. Oh, my. So, yeah, so maybe on this table there could be, yeah, well, steak haché, of course, some tartiflette, some standard petticoatine, some rillette, raclette, fondue, of course. Oh, there'll definitely be fondue on there. Eau flottante, of course, you know, for something sweet. What's an eau flottante?

An eau flottante is Rocky's favourite pudding ever. It's basically custard with a floating bit of meringue on top. Egg white in it. Eau flottante, sounds lovely. Oh, that's some real insight. That's got to have formed a big part of his, what he thinks of as a French menu. It was hugely influential for all of us.

Okay, so she's just going to eat shitloads of flunch French menu. It was hugely influential for all of us. Okay. So she's just going to eat shit loads of flunch. You guys must have been like the Brady flunch. Bad. It didn't deserve a laugh. It was bad. I mean, that honked as much as that raclette. I bloody love a raclette. Okay.

Mistress Sweet Juice shook her lack mouth. Lack? Lack. What do you mean, lack? Lack of mouth. She has noack. What do you mean lack? Lack of mouth. She has no mouth. I think it's lack like slack. Well no, lack isn't slack.

So if you mean slack you have to write slack. Mistress Sweet Juice shook her lack mouth and gobbled like a chicken. Oh, fuck me. Take me. Screw me. but please don't tease me. I beg you, Mistress Sweet Juice.

It's mainly going to be feed me, isn't it? It's going to be none of the above. Burp me. She's essentially the plant in Little Shop of Horrors. Feed me. Pleaded Belinda, a bit desperately, to be honest with you. Yeah, that came across. I want you undraped of these rags, the mistress shouted.

That's offensive. She's in her best clothes. Belinda removed her whole dress in one, parading her shaggy pussy. Wait a minute. I knew she'd let it go out, but I didn't know it was a 70s shag. Ah, mais oui, oui, the mistress grunted. Because of her conversational level French, Belinda... It's the best level. Oh, I should not have taken a sip of drink at that point. Because of her conversational level French,

Belinda knew she had made the correct grooming decision and basked in her deep knowledge of European culture preferences. Get in these heels, said the mistress, as she threw a jazzy pair of eight-inch platforms at her. What do you guys think of when you hear jazzy? Sparkly? I think pom-poms and stuff. Oh, and like frills and like tassels.

Yeah, I think really over the top. Very ostentatious. Quite camp. Yeah, yes, kind of something like ABBA would wear. Yes. Belinda strapped them in, ensuring the Velcro was secure. Velcro? On an eight inch heel?

Is that not good? Well, when have you ever seen Velcro on a heel? I don't wear them often. She's going to break a leg. What now? She asked. Insulence! In silence or insulence?

Insulence, sorry. She screamed the mistress as she whipped Belinda again. God, each crack was turning her on more and more, she swore. If I was Belinda at this point, I'd be like, when are we going to eat? Of course you would. When does the feeding start? Look at me till I sparkle. What?

Belinda questioned internally How does that work? A chubby finger Wriggled like a worm Indicating her to come closer Oh yeah because she's covered entirely in latex Belinda teetered in the heels Towards the dominatrix

The closer she got The better she could see Oh no what? It's not latex is it? It's going to be like butter icing or something. About three and a half paces away, it became clear that Mistress Sweet Juice's suit wasn't latex

at all. Oh God. Two and a half paces away showed... Oh God, it's mayonnaise! It was. Showed it was paint. What kind of paint? Like white chocolate paint. Yeah, chocolate body paint. What kind of paint? Like white chocolate paint. Yeah, chocolate body paint.

One and a half paces away. Why is she walking in half paces? No. Smoothed whipped cream. Warm curdled body cream. No thanks. Half a pace away, cream cheese. Right up close, not very creme fraiche, if you know what I mean.

Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic.

Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Belinda sank to her knees and began eating the thin layer of room temperature cream. Oh my God. Off her bubbly body. Oh my God. What do you mean bubbly? Oh, you just mean curvaceous.

You don't mean it's got like welts and boils and stuff. All right. Okay, fine. I thought it was fizzing in the heat. Oh, my God. The idea of anything other than refrigerated cream really is unpleasant. The other thing is, how did she do it so quickly? Didn't they just run upstairs and then she like, what, ran in a room? Oh, she'll have a whole team, James.

Come on. She'll have a whole team. She is Mistress Sweet Juice. All right. Belinda sank to her knees and began eating the thin layer of room temperature cream off her bubbly body. She'll be like a truffle pig, won't she? Slowly, she began to see Mistress Sweet Juice in all her majesty. Yeah, when you're up close to someone licking them, that's really a chance to see them properly, isn't it?

It was a body the likes of which she was unfamiliar but ever so attracted to even dairy-free her huge nipples were barely visible on her whiter than white breasts that's weird what to have no no visible nipples so just like she's a bit like a barbie doll i guess where there's like no definition between anything to have nipples are same colours as the skin. Well, Eddie Redmayne's mouth is the same colour as his face. Imagine what his nipples look like. Well, I'm not extrapolating, but I'm just saying

people have bits of their body that are the same colour as other bits of their body. Yeah, pigmentation works in mysterious ways. Okay. I just can't imagine skin-coloured nipples. Her breasts are whiter than white. All right, well, that's not weird, can I just say? Not everyone goes topless, right?

Speaking for a friend of mine who has very, very white skin. Belinda slurped Mistress Sweet Juice's Every Curve and Bodily Opening with Felicity. Sorry, Every Curve or Every Curd. Every Curve and Bod bodily opening with Felicity. Who's Felicity? When did she join in? She's in the other corner of the circular room. Come on, Felicity.

You do the left, I'll do the right. We'll be done in no time. It took hours. Hours? Yeah. To lift somebody top to bottom, left to right? Yeah, take your ages. An hour max, surely.

All right, rapid tongue. James knows some experience. Hang on. Just done my hand. Done. You didn't go in between the fingers. Yeah, that was such a shoddy job. What was that, like four seconds?

Two hours, bloody hell. It took hours, but with a methodical mastery of a truffle hog. What did I say to you? Oh, my God. Please, is there any point in me being here? Now you are channelling Rocky. It used to be him, now it's you. I didn't use the word hog, but...

Yes, very good, very good. A little piglet for you. But with the methodical mastery of a truffle hog, Belinda scrubbed the form until it was well polished. Oh, scrubbing with her tongue. It gets to a point where you're just licking sweat and things, don't you? Yeah, I'm thinking of cream and knee creases. Yeah.

You know, like there's just weird places it's going to gather. Success. She panted as Mistress Sweetjuice beamed at her, clapping her flaps in applause. What? Sorry. No, don't answer that. It's fine. Freshly licked flaps.

How can she do that like a seal? How is she able to do that? She's clapping her what? Vaginal flaps? Didn't say vaginal. Maybe it was just flaps of other things. Anything's weird to clap as applause. Everybody applauded.

A job well done. Surely clapping anything other than your hands... I'm trying to think what bit of me could applaud. Yeah, like... I'd struggle. No, tickle my clit and drink me dry. Oh my God. Oh, the clit talk.

Yes, mistress sweet tooth. Belinda squealed as she prepared to go below decks. Stupid. What about the other food? We don't know if there is any yet. Was the other food mentioned? We created the other food. Oh.

We assumed there was a buffet. Look how excited we are. Oh, God, it's like Hook when they imagine food on the table and there's nothing there. Rufio. It's good. Various assortment of colored creams that even as a kid that made me feel pukey it's horrible yeah blue food it'd be this like dream sequence you're like i wouldn't go near that with a barge pole mistress sweet juice spread her legs like flora proactive over a soft brioche bun oh wow okay can you do a little bit of explanation

just for maybe people that aren't 190 well it's low in cholesterol isn't it that's what i mean old people always eat this stuff my dad has this what brioche not specifically that's not low in i was gonna say oh flora pro proactive eat that? Well, both my parents are quite cholesterol conscious. But I feel like every person of our parents' age is. My dad will have quite a thick layer of that spread that you're talking about instead of butter and then jam on top. And I'm like, we need to discuss.

It doesn't actively gobble up cholesterol that it's next to. You know how when we were younger, we'd go out, get drunk and get kebab on the way home. My stepdad will go on a night out, get drunk, come home and eat a whole malt loaf. Oh, wow. It's really impressive.

Even now? Even now. Wow. What, a saurine? A whole saurine. He'll sit in the living room and eat a whole saurine. On like... Wait, we have so many questions.

Does he cut it up? Yeah, does he put some fluoroproactive on it? No, no, literally out the pot, like it's a Mars bar. Oh my God. Nigel. It's so chewy. It's so dry. It's so dense.

It's like the densest thing you can eat. I feel like it's the kind of thing that your body actually can't digest. It just goes through as a whole block. Yeah, you need the butter to lubricate it just to get it down your throat not the best thing to be eating at 1am don't get me wrong i think it's delicious but the idea of eating a whole block like it it genuinely glues your jaw together it's so so sticky but he'll do it on the regular like he will regularly just eat a whole loaf So is there like a little stash of malt loaf in the house Yeah yeah there's a whole shelf dedicated to malt loaf

What the fuck Does he think that's a healthier option Than gorging on something else I think because of the word fruit Is there fruit in it Well loaf makes it sound like it's not cake Whereas it kind of is a cake isn't it Alice I'm going to James' family home this weekend

I absolutely am going to search for this mold on it cupboard it's really actually quite impressive so mistress sweet juice spread her legs like flora proactive over a soft brioche bun the ease in which she did so impress belinda and so she set to work belinda delicately started to lick Mistress Sweetjuice's vagina, trying to avoid the cream-flecked pubes. Well, she hasn't done a very good job then, has she? I thought she was cleaned spic and span. You missed a bit. My God, her namesake was not wrong.

Her oozing leakage tasted like a French summer in the Algarve. Is the Algarve in France? Portugal, no? Oh, is it? What did he say? Read the sentence again. Tasted like a French summer in the Algarve. Is the Algarve in France? Portugal, no? Oh, is it? What did he say? Read the sentence again. Her oozing leakage tasted like a French summer in the Algarve. I don't want to be a pedant.

Maybe it just means when French people go to Portugal. Right, sure. I love those French summers in the Algarve, baby. An otherworldly concoction of burgundy and pongy cheese Pongy cheese Fucking hell It's rough This is rough, actually

This is quite a rough chapter So she's got a fondue-y What's it called? Don't Don't you dare God What's it called? A guff?

A gaff? Juff Fondue Juff Sheaff juff fondue juff this is a lot so sorry it tastes like portugal france pongy cheese and what else burgundy the wine burgundy or the place or the color i don't know i don't know. I don't know. And what else? It's sweet though. So it's like sweet cheese. It's like sweet and sour chicken. Can we just...

I don't... I'm sweating. You've gone really weird. I'm really not happy right now. You've gone really strange. You know when you've left cheese in the fridge? No, ow. But let me just...

Ow. You know when you've left cheese in the fridge and you throw it away but the fridge still smells of the cheese. Is it that vibe? You've got to stop. You need, you must be stopped. Wait, I didn't write it.

But you're making it worse. You're embellishing it. I'm not. You are. And the worst thing is you don't even seem bothered. Sweet juice opened her vaginal lids and Belinda was fully in. As perceptive as a red squirrel, she found the clitoris. It didn't take long and the French clitoris was soon sopping wet.

Je suis beaucoup de l'eau. Very wet. As you can see, my French is conversational. Fantastic. Conversational level French, well done. It didn't take long and the French clitoris was soon sopping wet And its owner was groaning in anticipation of the orgasm That was surely just around the bend

Just around the river bend I'm going round the bend I don't know about her orgasm As it was told Her screams could have woken the gargoyles of Notre Dame Great French references, brilliant, love it Her screams could have woken the gargoyles of Notre Dame. Great French references. Brilliant.

Love it. And Belinda surveyed the juddering mess of a woman on the antique lino with silver trim. Oh, I'm sorry. That was really unusual emphasis on those bits. I don't even know if that's Rocky's fault or yours. That's probably me. Sorry. As it was told, her screams could have woken the gargoyles of Notre Dame and Belinda surveyed the juddering mess of a woman on the antique lino with silver trim.

I think it was a bit of you both, actually. On second inspection. God, I'm good, Belinda proudly proclaimed. Out loud? That wasn't even her mind that time. No, out loud Oh gosh Smug Arrogant

The next morning Okay Wrap it up You've orgasmed I've got to go on to the next chapter now Goodbye The next morning Belinda boarded the Europa Line bullet train joyously

Europa Line What is that? It's obviously him like getting around saying you're a star. Oh, really? Is that what that is? Europa Line. Europa Line. Oh, come on.

Usually he's sticking it in because he thinks he's going to get a free ticket. He's so inconsistent with that, isn't he? The Europa Line bullet star. Bullet train. Bullet train. That would be a step too far. Despite her churning stomach, she had been waiting... Oh, what?

She's got E. coli from the green? She's got food poisoning. Fucking hell. Despite her churning stomach, she had been somewhat dreading her first trip to the Steeles

Pots and Pans factory since she started her post all those months ago. What, what, what? She's never been to where they make the pots and pans? Well, she's been to

the distribution factory. Is that right? Yes, correct. In Yorkshire. Right, but she's never been to where they make the pots and pans well she's been to the distribution factory is that right yes correct in yorkshire right but she's never we know this because she's mentioned this factory trip well no because i think spooner had found it in her diary drember oh of course but it's in the north is it scotland the north of the world hang on so this feels like maybe we're going to go back on track now and like, because you know who might be sniffing around the factory? The special one. True. She boarded the plane at City Airport and after a brief connection in Hull.

Oh, big up Hull. Turbocharged geographically upwards to Scotland. As we say. We don't say north, we say upwards. Belinda enjoyed the shortbread cubes on board and by the time she had reached the Macdonald Scotland Airport, she was feeling... The what? The Macdonald...

The Macdonald Scotland Airport. What is that, please? The Macdonald Scotland Airport. I'll have to ask you to elaborate rather than just repeating yourself. Sorry, Googling. It's all I have, I'm sorry. I call bullshit. bullshit i don't think it would yeah yeah it's not a thing does he mean mcdonald's he's just picked a scottish name hasn't he oh i think he has yeah so belinda enjoyed the shortbread cubes on board and by the time she had landed at the mcdonald's scotland airport

she was feeling much better physically. Oh, good. Yes. No, that's great. She was ready for some Celtic fun and nonsense with her favourite Glee team pals, Giselle and Bella. The Glee team are reunited in Scotland. Have you known what this means?

What? All three main suspects of the special one are going to be in this Scottish factory at the same time. What? Oh, shit. Are we going to find out? I don't know. But where's Maeve? Well, actually, yeah, you're right.

That theory's scuppered. James Spooner watched Belinda Blumenthal from behind the cover of a Scottish Highlands and Islands morning newspaper. I fucking want a subscription to Highlands and Islands. Why do people always have to be doing things specific to that country all the fucking time? Yeah, you can't just be having a biscuit. You have to be having shortbread. Shortbread biscuit. Yeah, you can't just be reading Time magazine.

It has to be the Scotland's Highlands and Islands morning newspaper. Because I don't know about you, I do buy the local paper of where I am when I'm travelling. So wait, he's spying on her? Yeah. And he knows her every move? Oh my God. Well, we knew he was going to go to the factory.

Yeah, we did, to be fair. He's totally got eye holes cut in the newspaper, hasn't he? He's just like peeping through. So James Spooner watched Belinda Blumenthal from behind the cover of a Scottish Highlands and Islands

morning newspaper as she waited for a taxi outside the airport it was surprisingly raining and Belinda not surprisingly

Scotland never sunny that's true it was surprisingly raining and Belinda hadn't brought her trench coat

James felt like going over to her and offering her his. But he knew he couldn't do that. Oh, great spy. Fucking hell. Oh my god, oh no way, I'm spying on her. Oh, she's a tissue. Oh shit, stop it, James. That's the

training kicking in. The investigation had quickly escalated. Had it? Within Whitehall's corridors of power. Oh, fuck off. And the situation was now purple red alert. Purple red alert, shit! Some kind of a pinky, deep pink.

A nondescript kind of. A puce alert. Dangerous colour, yeah. But also, maybe don't put red alert in the name of the alert that's less than red alert. It's a purple red alert. Sorry, did you say a red alert? It's a purple red alert. Sorry, you keep saying red alert. It name of the alert that's less than red alert it's a purple red alert so we did say a red alert it's a purple red alert sorry you keep saying red alert it's a really bad line it's a purple red alert sorry i keep missing it the situation was now a purple red alert stop saying it this is a purple red alert these old books are purple red alert this is

gonna rock the whole of the uk i think it going to go all the way to the top. I think it may have already. Who are we talking about? The Prime Minister? Is Theresa May the special one? Certainly not. She's certainly not the Prime Minister when this goes out. Eventually, the International Sales Director disappeared into the interior of a white taxi,

slightly bedraggled. A white taxi? You can get white taxis in Scotland. Oh, sure. No, I'm really not trying to deny anyone living in Scotland that's. A white taxi? You can get white taxis in Scotland. Oh, sure. No, I'm really not trying to deny anyone living in Scotland that's got a white taxi, but I'm just saying that's not what I expected her to get into. As James watched the cab pull away,

he raised his hand and an unmarked car skidded to a halt at the kerb. Fucking hell, this is really cool. Follow that taxi, Mimi. Mimi? Mimi. Who's Mimi? The person driving the car, I presume.

The very same. Is that Maeve? No, Mimi. Follow that taxi, Mimi. He shouted to the driver who was sporting a beautiful Bob-style haircut. Not that it's important. He's also spelled Bob with a capital B, as if it's a person. She's wearing Bob's hair.

I think Bob created the Bob. Or maybe he did. God, this is getting exciting. There's going to be a car chase. He hopped in and they speeded off. It's bad, but yeah. Keeping a safe distance, Mimi followed Belinda to where she was headed. The two spies watched prudently as she paid off her taxi bill.

They've got her. What a scoop. She barely tipped. She was outside a large church. I thought she was heading straight to the factory. Well, that's what her diary said. Maybe it is the church of pots and pans. It's what they pray to.

She cautiously looked around herself for wandering eyes. Oh my God. Before ringing the big old bell. Not the big old bell. After a moment's pause, Belinda was greeted by a mystery figure. What do you mean a mystery figure? Surely you can see who the figure is. And quickly smuggled inside the stone. The stone.

Where she will stay for eternity. Cast. Oh my God, Belinda. It feels like Belinda's keeping something from us. Yeah, it's a weird feeling, right? Yeah, to be suddenly out of... Her head. The way he's written it the whole time.

We've been in Belinda's head and now we're suddenly out of it. James Spooner blinked. He had her in his sights and was under no circumstances going to let her out of his sight. The aforementioned sight. I've got you in it and I'm going to keep you in it but he has just he's just lost her

he's just lost her yeah yeah she's gone she's no longer in the site and that is the end of the chapter oh my god wowie this is genuinely tense

what is she up to I know. Has she now kind of gone a few rungs to become the main suspect of the special one? Yeah, I mean, it doesn't make her the prime suspect now that she's behaving really oddly. No, every time somebody does something that we don't expect, we say they're the prime suspect.

Every time Maeve hasn't ordered enough staples, we're like, she's the main suspect. That's true. Every time Maeve goes on Skype, we're like, main suspect. I'm genuinely riveted by this now. Yeah, it is getting really

quite exciting. So come back next week for chapter 11. I know. I can't believe we're getting towards the end. I didn't even know we were getting towards the end.

The climax is building. So yeah, see you next week. In the meantime, do get in touch with us. Yes, absolutely. Are you a feeder? Are you the fed?

Yeah. Which one are you in your relationship? Let us know on Twitter at DadRodeToPorno. The biggest shock of the whole thing for me, though, is that the feeder didn't really feed her very much. It was just a bit of single cream. She'll be ravenous. Just licked a bit.

She was probably counting on that for a full meal. Yeah, she was like, I was hoping for a gato. This is false advertising if you'd like to get in touch with us you can do it on instagram you can at my dad wrote her you can email us at my dad wrote a porno at gmail.com you can like us on facebook and we have a mailing list you can sign up to to keep up to date on all things porno just go to my dad wrote a porno.com people always say give us a five star review it helps us on iTunes does it help us on iTunes? do we want those?

yeah I've just copied that from other podcasts I guess it can't hurt right? and should we say subscribe as well? some people say that sometimes right?

subscribe oh subscribe to this subscribe to this oh yeah that does help yeah yeah yeah subscribe we really don't know how podcasts work

we have no idea it's like radio in the sky or something What is it? A big thank you to ACAST for hosting this podcast And we'll see you next week now guys Flunch anyone? Oh I have that Do you have that?

We have that It starts now I would Sorry On each step with Peloton, from their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so.

If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes led by expert instructors on the Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner. Peloton All Access Membership Separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running.