My Dad Wrote A Porno - S4E11 - 'The Meet'

Episode Date: November 5, 2018

Belinda has a rendezvous with a contact in Scotland - but is everything as it seems? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Picture this, you're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hi guys, and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. Alice, what the hell is going on with your face? Excuse me? What is up? You came in the door, you sat down, you haven't explained. Da fuck is going on under face? Just so for people at home, Alice has got patches of kind of pink?

Is it cream? Is it makeup? Is it? I literally don't know what you're talking about. It's paste, I think. So it's like a bit on her chin, a bit down her nose. A long bit down her nose. It's a bit like wall paint. Like right at the top of her forehead.

I'm getting a lot of jaw from where I'm sat. Oh yeah. Well, it's an on the spot treatment. Oh. For spots. For spots. But I then got a bit carried away and I've put it all over my face

but there is quite a big spot here can you see beneath the surface yes and then down my nose i don't know i just thought why not why not okay and then on my forehead i actually it might be a scratch but i've just decided that this is wonder cream and it's just going to solve everything but i did get a cab here and i saw quite a lot of people no i did see quite a lot of people when i was waiting for the cab. Does it look good? Could I get away with it day to day? It'll be like a million dollars, honestly.

You can annoyingly pull it off. Yeah. But we left the book on quite a cliffhanger. Yes. Well, not a cliffhanger really, but something of interest. Sure. What was it? Like Belinda's gone to pray or something?

She's gone into a church. Well, she's being followed by Spooner, which is more more what i was referencing did you know someone tweeted us and said their name is james spooner yeah a long time listener can you believe that if your actual name turned up as you're listening but also the fact that we're like what a stupid name and then someone's like it's my name and he said his nickname is spoons well dad's done his research hasn't he can we go back and delete episodes if we feel like they don't stand up to the test of time? But does he call his penis his teaspoon? That's the big question.

I cannot verify that. I haven't been on a date with him yet. Or dessert spoon. You don't know. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. Soup spoon? Serving spoon.

Serving spoon. A spatula? A spatula? Why is it flat? Oh, yeah, it's not really spoon,'s not really spoons actually no shade if you do have a really flat one um so what do we think do you think belinda is now the special one um i i don't know i'm so fickle oh james you're like me so broken by it it's like it's stop playing with our emotions one minute i feel so sure that it's utter tripe and i just

don't care and the next minute i'm like mave. And the next minute I'm like, Maeve? And then the next minute I'm like, Belinda for sure. Yeah, at this stage. If I had a gun to your head and I said, you've got a, you know, one end of this rickety rope bridge is the special one and the other end is your family. I'm like mixing quite a lot of metaphors here, but basically you've got to choose.

Who is it? Choose what? I don't understand. The gun's to your head you're fucking gonna die I'm confused if push game shove who Giselle really

yeah I think I'm on Belinda I think I'm on Belinda is anyone on Maeve anymore oh Maeve might as well be dead in a ditch somewhere for how relevant

she is at this point I think it might be Maeve actually oh see fucking hell but it also might be Bella I don't know she might as well be dead in a ditch for how useful she is on the front. I think it might be Maeve, actually. Oh, see? Like, fucking hell! But it also might be Bella. I don't know. She might as well be dead in the ditch

for how useful she is on the front desk of Stills Pots and Pans, for God's sake. Okay, well, maybe we'll find out this chapter. Don't be stupid. What's it called, by the way? You didn't tell us last chapter. Oh, yeah, I didn't say it. You're part of the problem

if you're going to keep saying things like maybe we'll find out this chapter. Sorry. You're an enabler. I've got Stockholm Syndrome. This week's chapter is called The Meat. The Meat. M-E-A-T?

No, M-E-T. M-E-T. The Meat. The Meat. Ooh. Not classic Flintstone. No. Quite chic for a Flintstone title.

Yeah. It almost passes an actual, well, title. The Meat. So it's kind of like a meeting, but it's a meat. It's a semi-meeting. But I guess spies would call it The Meat, like the drop. Right. Where you both sit on a bench and then say, okay, we can hand over a briefcase.

Yeah, and then have the newspaper in the trench coat, yeah. Okay, you're into it. I like it. I wouldn't go that far. Okay, so Belinda Blinked four. Chapter 11. The meat. Belinda thanked the altar boy for letting her into the big room. It was an altar boy. That was the figure.

The mysterious figure was an altar boy. Brilliant. And the big room we presume is the church. Yes. Because it is one big room. Well, it is really, isn't it? Yeah. And altar boys are employed full time in churches. They're not just there for mass.

They're just there to open doors, let people in. They just hang around. Well, you were once an altar boy. I was an altar boy. So you would know all about that. Thank you, Jamie. Did you open the door to international sales directors? I didn't, no.

But we had to wear white robes with a red cinching belt. You added that. That wasn't part of it. And yeah, it was a glorious time in my life. So what do you do? Do you sing? No, you're just like, you're an altar server. So you're just doing stuff on the altar.

Like you're helping the priest. So we've heard. You hold, oh my God. You hold books for them. You like take stuff to the, like take bread to them and stuff hold books and take bread this is genius how do i get an altar boy they're my two main things that i need god if only they knew what i'd become yeah a gay porn star is this not okay this would be frowned upon i have i have now turned my back on the church how many hail marys would you have to do because

of this fucking hell I dread to think. No, it's fine because he's a Catholic so just confess then you're all good to go. Oh, are you? Once you've gone in the little booth?

Repent and you're good. Confess, two Hail Marys, clear. Ready to go? Ready to go. But I'm not Catholic anymore. Okay. I'm just a boy

trying to get by in this crazy world. I'm just a boy looking at a boy asking that boy to kiss him out of the side of the church.

Belinda thanked the altar boy for letting her into the big room outside of opening hours. Aren't there opening hours for churches? Surely you can go to church whenever you want. Yeah, the door is always open. It is sanctuary, isn't it? But I don't think any more. Yes, it is sanctuary, isn't it? You're right. Well, no, it is, isn't it? In olden days, it was like sanctuary. The doors are always supposed to be open yes but is that not the case well i think a lot of churches now do have designated times

you can go in not very christian if you ask me you get the crockery stolen if you leave it open all times well i'm not saying leave all the valuables out and you know on display but you could leave the no one's gonna drag a pew out are they well well actually quite nice the room was 100 empty except for a few balding monks so not empty so not even near 100 percent 90 percent empty 40 there's loads of monks in it an organ cleaner oh fucking hell it's a party thrushing its pipes with a groan and a hum. And an old crone. A crone? Praying. Praying in one of the pews.

In one of the pews, right. A crone, sorry. One of those lovely pews that you could steal. Yes, exactly. Not just a villager of a certain age. A crone. Crone's very, very disrespectful, isn't it? An old crone.

What makes you a crone? What's the difference between a crone and a hag again? Yeah, I don't know. Like, I imagine, like, a crone would have a really hunched back. Right. Perhaps, like, very greasy grey hair. I'm imagining, you know, the... Describing me.

Across between you and the Wicked Witch in Snow White. You know, the one that gives you the apples. She's a crone, not a hag. I would say she's more crone. She's a crone. What's a hag then? I feel like a hag's got... You, that is you.

I'm not doing very well out of this equation, am I? I feel like a hag's got a bit more glamour to them. So a hag is what? Mutton dressed as lamb? Joan Collins. Is a hag? I mean, of sorts, I guess. Joan Collins is a hag.

You're going on record saying that. I don't fucking know. Okay, so I thought they were related, crones and hags, but they're not. Because you use hag rather a lot. And I would say a kind of traditional nursery rhyme fisherman's wife might be a hag. But you're saying a lot more cubic zirconia than that. Yeah, exactly. What you're describing is the traditional sense.

We've commandeered the word to mean like a glamorous well hag like i don't really know how else to describe it just a woman who just doesn't give a shit and it's just a bit the duchess i reckon is a bit duchess is a hag so you're sassy glamorous yeah and a bit rude yeah it is a badge of honor to be called a hag i think so you should be very proud it is very much not a badge of honor to be called a hag, I think. So you should be very proud. It is very much not a badge of honour to be called a crone. No. We can all agree on that. So Belinda swooshed across the flagstones

and snuck in beside the hag. Oh, now she is a hag. She suddenly glammed up. She's got a bit closer. She can see her in the light. She waited patiently until the woman noticed her presence by the way of her potent lavender de liquef... Sorry.

What? Lavender de liquefaction perfume. De liquefaction. Is that a real perfume? De liquefaction. It doesn't ring a bell. I don't even really know what language that's in. Lecfaction.

Leak. It's made of leeks. L-I-Q-E-F-A-C-T-I-O-N. I really lost track. L-I-Q-E. Leak. Lecfaction. Lecfaction perfume.

Lovely. Sounds lovely. Parfum. I bet she stinks of it as well. I bet she lathers herself in it. So the crone's like, what the hell is that? It didn't take long. Fair to be noticed.

The coughing crone turned to Belinda and said, What did the nightingale sing to the dustman? Sorry, I've got the wrong cue. My bad. Sorry, I was looking for C20. I assumed to have taken a wrong turn. Belinda looked around herself before answering, Mr Bojangles.

Oh, shut up. It's code. They're having a code chat. Incorrect. The crone smiled a toothy smile. You made it then. What the hell's going on? She's going to peel off her face.

She ain't no crone. Who's dressed as the crone? Yes, just as you said. I am. What? What? I am what? Here.

Oh, sorry. I am has got like a hyphen next to it. So I should have read. Oh, I am dot dot dot. I am. Suddenly, Belinda was cut off when the crone's tin of cough mint

started to beep oh my god it's a gadget it's a gadget she flicked it open and brought the box to her ear oh my god

it's a bomb listening intensely why would you put a bomb to your ear I don't know I just I just panicked it's not a bomb

it's a phone she gasped and turned to face Belinda nose to nose I don't know. I just, I just panicked. It's not a bomb. It's a phone. She gasped and turned to face Belinda nose to nose. You've been compromised. She croaked. Surely there's better code for you've been compromised than you've been compromised. Wouldn't you go like, tally ho, pansy face or whatever, gravel sandwiches and cheese on head face meat. Wouldn't you say, this is a jumble of words rather than like, they've got you. You've been compromised, she croaked.

Impossible, spluttered Belinda. I changed at hull. I did everything I possibly could. That's foolproof. Yeah, she did change at Hull. Did she fly to Hull, then get a train? No, I think she... I don't know, actually.

She got the Europa line to England. Maybe that goes to Hull, I don't know. Where are you flying to Hull from? But Hull's not a connection, right? Because it's so far east. Where are you flying to in Hull I don't know where are you flying to Hull from but Hull's not a connection right because it's so far east where are you flying to in Hull

what is this international airport in Hull I don't know you know Hull I know there's not a massive international airport

wait let me check hang on there is an international airport it's not called Hull airport Humberside airport oh right

is that what Humberside is I never knew that. So what? That's flying to all sorts of exciting places. Yeah. I mean, it's not got some great reviews. I'm not going to lie.

Oh, no. They simply cannot be this oblivious of how badly run this place is. Or how badly written that review is. No healthy food available. Oh, no. David's furious with his experience at Humberside Airport. Unfriendliest airport ever. No healthy food available.

Another one. Vegan food. Willing to pay for hot milk, for own porridge, but was told it was not allowed. David, my darling, do you think that ruined his holiday on the way out or that was on the way back? Oh, God, I don't know. I also feel like people are just going to Humberside Airport for their night out, for their evening meal. Own porridge. That is so sad.

So, impossible, spluttered Belinda. I changed at Hull. Well, they've followed you. An evil agent is on your toenails. There you go, code. For heels. We've got to get out of here. Pronto.

Chest pains of inadequacy pounded Belinda's heartstrings. Oh my, that's a lot of biology going on there. As she followed the crone down past the altar and backstage. What does this mean? Backstage. Yeah, they don't call it that. It's called the sacristy, actually, if anyone wants to know. Oh, is it?

All the showgirls with their tits out like, oh! Like, does this mean Belinda's the special one? Well, she's meeting someone. Or it could mean that Spoons has dobbed her in thinking that she is. Yeah. He's called it in. Yeah.

But why is she trying to evade Spooner if she brought him in in the first place? She doesn't know it's Spooner. Oh God, I'm so confused. Yeah, because he's following her. So she doesn't necessarily know

why she's compromised. Yeah. Just as they slipped out of sight, James Spooner entered the church. He slinked across the marble like... Why is everyone slinking across the marble?

He slinked across the marble like the spy he truly was, sensing the presence of a dissenting businesswoman and her accomplice. He saw her go in. Of course he's sensing... I think Belinda's here. What an idiot. And as you said a thousand times before, don't move like the spy that you are. Move like someone completely inconspicuous. He readied his gun and started...

Gun? It's like you're in a church. This has escalated quickly. In front of monks. In front of crone. Men of the cloth. He readied his gun and started to inspect behind each pillar. quickly. In front of monks? In front of crone. Men of the cloth? He readied his gun and started to inspect

behind each pillar, certain to expose his prey. He's just seen where they went. Also, he's going to find her and then just shoot her in the head at point blank range. And the crone. The accomplice. All for

some pots and pans sales. The moment he reached behind the altar was the exact minute Belinda and the crone bundled into their getaway car. Oh, that's bad timing. And zip, they were gone. They gone. Oh, baby girl, they long gone. They gone. they gone right okay so he reached behind the altar

like gotcha oh no not that he's literally playing hide and seek like behind a pillar why has he got an ak-47 J47. 38 minutes later, the two women were finally in the safety of Belinda's hotel suite. Why is she trusting the crone? Why didn't they meet at the hotel suite? No, James, this is now safe house territory. They've had to go to plan B. She didn't want to reveal where she was staying, but they've just had to do whatever they can do. They had to get away.

I guess the last place you would find Belinda would be in a church or any kind of holy, sacred ground. It's a sanctuary. It's a sanctuary. The crone turned to face Belinda and immediately started scratching at her face. Sorry, she's not going to sex the crone.

Gradually, the wrinkled skin flaked off. Sorry, the crone is scratching at Belinda's face. I thought that, but no, she must be scratching at her own. She's got one. Hang on. The crone turned to face Belinda and immediately started scratching at her face. At her own face. at her own face that isn't clear because otherwise belinda's wearing a mask and believe oh my god the whole time

i knew it i knew the crone and you inside the crone was a kid stood on another kid wearing a long coat two altar boys isn't it those little shits gradually the wrinkled skin flaked off, revealing... Oh, save that. Marcus O'Reilly gets all built on the hour of that. Yeah. Revealing the warm features of Agent Helga. Oh! Why?

Why? What are you talking about? What's Helga got to... Oh, my God. What's Helga got to do with it? Sorry, can I just say, it was great that she scratched away the face of a crone to reveal another crone.

We are in grave danger, Miss Blumenthal. She gasped in her native Texan drool. What? Eh? Oh, because she's off FBI. We are in grave danger, Miss Blumenthal. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Dolly Parton. He's young enough to be my husband.

They call me a dumb blonde. Well, I ain't dumb, and I'm certainly not blonde. Oh! No, that's a hack. Queen they're all, surely. We are in grave danger, Miss Blumenthal. She gasped in her native Texas drool.

She sounds too jolly to be saying they're in grave danger. Oh, sorry. No, I just mean generally like Texan just sounds quite nice, doesn't it? Yeah, quite a nice accent. Happy.

Yes, I don't have a doubt about it whatsoever. Chill out, sweetheart. Belinda replied as she started to strip the FBI angel of her rags. Yawn. We're in grave danger. Shall we shag? It wasn't long before her tits were pounding in the saleswoman's fists. Sorry, her tits are pounding in her fists?

Oh, like throbbing? Like punch bags. And her pussy was drooling. Drooling. Think about what you're writing, you silly man. Silly, silly man. You really have tried my patience now. Would you really be like dribbling pre-cum if you're in grave danger fight or flight belinda shook off her wet clothes and kicked them into a corner of course you did they're wet with cum no it was raining oh right okay i was gonna say because scotland oh famously the women led one another to the slender coffee table and began to chow down. On the coffee table?

You're in grave danger. What are you doing? Well, I guess if you know you're going to die. Go out with a bang. Literally. But hang on. I guess if they're in the hotel suite, maybe this is their, like Alice said,

their safe house. Sounds very safe to me. So we're in grave danger. Let's just stay put and have some fun. Don't fucking know. Me and you have got to repopulate the earth. Oh, wait, we're both girls. Okay, well, let's just try anyway.

Chow down. Chow down is so unpleasant, isn't it, as a phrase? Yes, it's hot. Chow. It's like dog food or something. Yeah, awful. Chow main is what I think of. Chow main.

food or something awful chow mein is what i think of picture this you're at a picnic with pals and bam you suddenly feel unwell but going to the clinic not the ideal weekend plan well those days are over maples virtual care has got your back with 24 7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. They were sopping and screaming and dreaming and believing. When the desktop telephone rang.

Just the telephone. Helga stuffed her labia further into Belinda's mouth. And can we please... Can we please just have a break? You can't put them in, can you? You can't, like... How thick are they? I don't think you should be stuffing anything.

Let whoever's doing that just lead the way. Yeah, don't force yourself in. Stuff. How can you force a vagina into someone's mouth? Into, you know, their hair. The props can be like... Yeah, I take your point. Helga stuffed her labia further into Belinda's mouth,

ensuring her silence. Just say, can you keep your voice down? There's no need to do that. A finger on the lips? Honestly! Switch lips! The agent dropped her own voice to a hushed whisper of a sound lost on the winds.

I'm sorry, what? The agent dropped her own voice to a hushed whisper of a sound lost on the winds. Right. You're sticking with that? So almost inaudible even to the person you're talking to by the sounds of it oh don't bother that oh she's on the phone now it's probably bugged let me could you hear that let me what belinda nodded between her legs as helga answered the old rotary phone in an accent.

Another accent on an accent. And is she going to whisper in case it's bugged? Because obviously bugs can't pick up whispering. Good luck, Jamie. Low made. Oh dear. What? Oh dearie me. Low made.

Low made. Saying hello. Oh, sorry, I see. The seconds passed as she listened to the person who had called the telephone. Yes, that's how it works. Oh, my God. You'd built so much tension. Hurry the fuck up.

Oh, shit. Helga blinked. It's the front desk, she said. They say your fiancé is here. What? Belinda blinked. This is, like, baffling. Anyone else just, like...

What do you think... Who do you think's at the desk? Spooner? Yeah. He's, like, pretending to try and get Belinda down. But why would you say... Can you ring up and say her husband's here? Because you'd be like, I don't have a husband.

Yeah, that's true. Oh, could you tell her that her long-lost brother's here? I don't have a long-lost brother. Okay, can you tell her that her second father wants to move? Tell it's her friend Mark. Second father wants to move the ticket. Tell it's a friend mark. Helga felt cheated and bereft at the same time.

What the fuck's going on, Belinda? Yeah. You've just been slobbering all over me. Oh, I see it. You'll do anything to get me to tell you about my espionage case files. Look at Jamie with his hand on his hip. So sassy. It's quite a hard accent, actually. Don't be stupid, Helga.

What fiancé? I'm Belinda Blumenthal. I don't do fiancés. Oh. She doesn't do boyfriends. She said she doesn't do boyfriends before. She just does everything, doesn't she? Okay, replied a sulky Helga. We don't have time for sulking.

Laud at me all you want but he's downstairs waiting well send him up I have nothing to hide said Belinda breezily as she spread her perfect legs enticing her American chum has she still got the labia in her mouth at this point because they're having a lovely old chat

has she choked out the labia or yeah I think she's hocked up the labia right also we're in a dangerous situation She choked out the labia or? Yeah. I think she's hocked up the labia. Right. Also, we're in a dangerous situation. Someone pretending to be someone that obviously they aren't wants to come up. Yeah, bring him up. Yeah.

He's over to our room. Yeah, because she doesn't know it's Spooner. No, she doesn't know who it is. They're such idiots. They are fucking so stupid. He's got a gun. They don't know that though. Well, I'm trying to warn them. Belinda. Helga should know. Maybe Hel He's got a gun. They don't know that, though. Well, I'm trying to warn them.

Belinda! Helga should know. Maybe Helga's got a gun. Hidden in her crone wear. Helga huffily told reception to send up Belinda's future husband, and the girls made themselves look presentable. Just as Helga was tucking her blouse into her slacks, she stopped dead. Hang on.

Suppose he's the bad spy guy from the church. Do you think so? Bloody hell. She's the worst FBI agent in the world. It's like the Chuckle Brothers doing spies. Hang on. Suppose he's the bad spy guy Brothers doing spies. Hang on. Suppose he's the bad spy guy from the church. Suppose.

Also, bad spy guy. He's the bad spy guy. They didn't know he was at the church, though, do they? Well, that's why they ran out, wasn't it? Yeah. Because they knew someone was coming. Because someone called her on a Kaufman's. No, no, but she knew...

Do you remember the Kaufman's? She knew that they were compromised. She didn't know he'd got to the church. Oh, fuck! Screamed Belinda. We surely have met our maker. Oh, she's just resigned to it. She's going to die.

He's going to shoot us and that's the end of it. He's not even going to put up a fight. He's not even there yet. Call the police. She's with the police. She's supposedly with the best police. Best of the best. Crap, yelled Helga,

as she unobtrusively pulled her automatic pistol out from under the sofa cushion. Bloody knew it. And held it ready in her right hand. You two are basically calling this entire chapter. Jamie, it's been, what, three years? We're so in tune now with him, I think we know what's coming. He's

predictably unpredictable. So they've gone to Belinda's hotel room which Helga had already stuck a gun under the sofa cushion in preemptively. I wonder if she put it under there when they were getting sexy so that she knew

where it was in a time of attack okay sure yeah okay that's feasible or she could have pre-visited the hotel placed one under every sofa cushion in every room not knowing which room was belinda's that one i think it's that one she clicked the safety catch just as the door knocked. She opened the door. Why would you open the door? Staying steady, cowboy. Helga hissed at the man.

Raise your arms. Now. Belinda screamed. Oh my God, who is it? Do the scream. Spooner! What's happening? What is happening?

She just shouted Spooner. Why did she do it in slow motion? Well, it's like all O's. It's all O's. So you think it's more Spooner falling down a cliff than Spooner. Like when the mum shouts Kevin in Home Alone 2. Kevin! Spooner!

Maybe it's that. Okay. Belinda screamed. Spina! Helga's heart fell. It truly was Belinda's fiancé. What are you... Helga, are you...

Now, fiancé, drawled Helga in her southern Texan accent. Yes, thank you. We've got it. Can Belinda not just jump in here and go, no, sorry, not my fiance. Don't know why he's here. Know that he's like some undercover investigation guy.

He potentially is the bad spy guy. Shoot him in the head. But she's going to let her get her spiel out, is she? Drop your pace. Okay, that's a good start. Spooner looked at Belinda who nodded and Spooner pulled his gun from his trousers waistband

trousers waistband dropping it onto the ugly brown patterned carpet not the time to be worried about the carpet write your TripAdvisor review later does it sell hot milk?

he brought that gun from home good boy breathe Talga Belinda Does it sell hot milk? He brought that gun from home. Good boy, breathed Helga. Belinda, pick it up and bring it to me. Belinda looked into Spooner's eyes and said, James, it's okay. She's FBI. Oh, there's going to be a murder up in here and none of these three people are committing it.

I am going to kill someone. I'm so angry. Why so angry? Because why is everyone so stupid? Because it's Belinda Blink. They know their lives are in danger. James Spooner from The Office has just turned up at their door with no reason. They're not expecting him.

Well, Helga doesn't even know who he is. Helga doesn't know who he is. He's posing as a fiancé. Some bad spy guy's on their tail. They're going to die. I mean, that's why I'm angry. Yeah, okay. Well, now you've explained it.

I kind of agree. Idiots. So Belinda looked into Spooner's eyes and said, James, it's okay. She's FBI and with us. Just do as she says and we'll all be able to move on quickly. Spooner nodded his head and somehow started to relax. Oh, fine.

Yeah, great. You got any biscuits? So in theory, they're pals. Yeah. Yeah, they work together. But they're not. So Helga was the original informant. James was brought on because of Helga's information Rocky's clearly found a really

convoluted way to bring them all together so they can crack this once and for all as this like awful crime fighting trio so why would he follow Belinda and not just say because maybe he did think that Belinda could be the special one but now that he knows that she's working with the FBI, that might be like, oh, okay. So Belinda is really in the clear now. I mean, it just can't be Belinda. Yeah. Is it the wrong time to admit I'm not really following? Alice, you and millions of others.

I honestly, every time at the beginning when you say, who do you think it is? I just say a name to try and be in the gang. You said the same as me this week. I don't understand what's going on. It was like, Belinda, you were like, yeah. Yeah, me too. Oh, definitely. All my chips on her.

Honestly, the amount of tweets we get of people like, is anyone else just not following? Anyone else just completely confused? And every time you trace it out, James, it does help me for a second and then I lose it again Spooner nodded his head and somehow started to relax

if Belinda was the mole yeah right he'd be dead by now right so he was acting on a hunch that Belinda despite the fact he's been working with her could have been the special

because when he was going through her office he found the trip to Scotland and didn't know what it meant so maybe that's why so his strategy just so i'm clear was to go to her hotel room posing as her fiancee and if she shot him dead then he knew that she was the fault you're the and if she doesn't but it's like the witch test the witch is sank or floated. Okay, fine. So she didn't shoot him in the head. She's not the special one.

Therefore, innocent. She's not the special one. Right. Okay, Mr. Fiance. Stop saying that. Drawled Helga. God, Dad's loving the drawl. It's the only drawl in Texas.

That's because southern people drawl. Okay, Mr. Fiance, drawled Helga. Let's remove your jacket and shirt. Spooner removed the light European issue leather coat and his breathable in any situation Marks and Spencer shirt. You don't want sweat patches, do you,

when you're on a serious job? Not when you're a spy, no. Why does it matter that it's from Marks and Spencer? Because that's Dad trying to get some Marks and Spencer's clover. He calmly threw them away. Down a rubbish chute. As if it was something he did every time he was questioned by a romantically beautiful looking woman with a pistol pointing at his vitals.

Easy for you to say. That was very good. A pistol pointing at his vitals. Easy for you to say. That was very good. A pistol pointing at your vitals. Now your shoes. Socks. Well, everything. Spooner nodded his understanding that she wanted him naked whilst Belinda

giggled and thought Helga is really pissed at his choice of cover story. He'll be damned lucky if she doesn't fuck him. What? The perceptive Blumenthal was not far wrong. And once James Spooner had corroborated all of Belinda's story, Helga put her pistol down and stripped off.

Oh my God. So why did Helga need Belinda's story corroborated? Belinda's story about James Spooner. Got you. Okay. So their stories match up. Therefore, James is in the clear. He's in.

And so is Helga. And so is Belinda. And they are now a team. Okay. Let's just leave them then. Let's go elsewhere. Let's get to Maeve. Quick.

Yeah, quick. So Helga's naked. Belinda did too, of course. Get naked. There was no way she was letting Helga have this hunk of a man-meat to herself that rainy Scottish evening. The girls laid him down on the long table. Is he dead? Imagine them both trying to gently lay him down.

Put flowers in his eye sockets and sent him off to the afterlife. And squatted on either side of his face. How wide's his face? Their vaginas rubbed his stubble, slowly working their way down his body. I'm sorry, what is this? Like a bum shuffle. Yeah, I don't know.

What is this move? Is this a thing? I'm imagining the way kids go downstairs. Yeah. Like on your bum. Yeah. They're using them like a big human bottom flannel, essentially. They kind of are.

A Brillo pad. Oh, that's double. Draw your weapon, Agent Spooner, shouted Belinda. And Spoon's cock immediately became erect. Wow. Ding! It's like a magic trick. Belinda fucked the two spies

with virtuoso vigour as Spooner took his turn inside each of them. But he was an MI5 professional and he knew when he was about to climax. I think most people know when they're going to climax. Yeah.

You're never like, oh, God, where on earth did that come from? So he reversed out of Belinda's tunnel of devotion. Stop it. Now that's a fairground ride. Oh, my God. That's one for the theme park. So he reversed out of Belinda's tunnel of devotion. You can only reverse out of a tunnel of devotion.

You can. And creamed himself into her belly button. Oh, Lord. Your dad just said creamed himself into her belly button. Why into her belly button? Yum, yum. James. So he reversed out of Belinda's tunnel of devotion. Beep, beep, beep, beep.

And creamed himself into her belly button. Belinda, giddy with twitching aftershocks, scooped the whitish gunk out of her borehole. No. And devoured it down the hatch. No, no, no. Getting hot over there. It's boiling in here.

Did a little bit of you just die inside? It's just got worse recently. I don't know why. Very recently. The last two sentences. The immediate borehole would just skim over. When are you going to stop doing this, Jane? Why do you keep doing this to yourself?

Good for my health. Christmas is coming round. It's going to stop doing this, Jane? Why do you keep doing this to yourself? It's not good for my health. Christmas is coming round. It's going to be a long old December. You know you don't have to do this. No, I know. You don't have to. I know. We could stop recording now if you wanted.

I know. What? Yeah. Do you want it falling into the wrong hands, though? So, Belinda Giddy, with twitching aftershocks, scooped the whitish gunk out of her borehole and developed... How deep is her belly button? Scooped?

Borehole? Just as she did so, the old phone rang again. Just say phone. Bold as a brass monkey, Belinda swallowed... Oh, my. Grabbed it and listened. After a moment and a half, she placed down the phone line. Just the phone! Just say the word phone!

She didn't place down the phone line! Stop over-complicating everything, you silly man! Who was it asked spoons still panting and mopping his brow with his y fronts oh why france oh he's got like old white moldy wife that he's just wiped over his face oh why would you wipe your pants over your face also like you'd hope he was wearing a briefs or boxers, not Y-fronts. Yeah. I feel like Rocky doesn't know about contemporary pants. No.

No. Anyway, so Spoons is wiping his sweaty face with his Y-fronts. Who was it? It was the factory. Professor Slintz wants to meet the Glee team tomorrow. But what if the mole is there? I'm too scared to enter that building alone. What if I never come out?

No, you must go. I thought it was Bella for a second. I was hiding in the corner. No, you must go. Drauled Helga. With typical American directness. Those damn Americans. But it must be where the blueprints for the new Trioxy Brillo range are.

You think? Well, Slintz is there. Yeah. Of course it is. No, it's too dangerous. I'm just a middle management senior sales executive. Exactly. So why is she in this mess?

It's literally nothing to do with you. Just do your job. Such a fucking busybody. Keep your nose out of it. She's right, Belinda. You have to go. For Queen. For country.

And for steals, pots and pans. In that order, you see, I'd put steals at the top because I don't think the Queen gives a flying fuck and I really don't think it's going to affect the country. She looked aghast from male agent to female agent. Belinda blinked.

And that's the end of the chapter. Oh my god! And that's the end of the chapter. Oh, my God! What does she think's going to happen at the factory? Like, she's going to die? Apparently so. Well, I guess now that she's seeing guns in action,

maybe it's made it all a bit real. She'd get lasered quite a while ago, and she wasn't boffed about that. Why's everyone got guns all of a sudden? Where's their firearms licence come from? Well, they are all agents, to be fair. Oh, OK. Only licensed personnel have firearms. Thank you.

Oh, just got a bit more life and death than I was expecting earlier on. It seemed so tame. I mean, it did, but did you ever really feel at any point anyone was in any serious jeopardy? Well, no, that's the thing. I thought that we were building to that when he was playing hide- seek in the church but then nobody seemed boffed just didn't care did they so what's the point in putting their lives in danger if everyone's just going to be like oh well yeah and also stagger that out over a few chapters i mean how good would that have been as a cliffhanger spooner in the church they're just escaping the church he's got his

gun out no one knows who's gonna oh yeah that'd, that'd be better. Yeah, that would be better. You should talk to your dad. Should I give him some tips? Yeah. There's some other stuff I'd like you to bring up as well, actually. I know, on the list of priorities. That's actually quite far down, James,

but I'll be sure to mention it. Dare we ask, are we allowed to know the next chapter? A factory visit. As you checked out on the title towards the end of this. title I know you're right I know

So we're going to the factory then I would imagine so Is this penultimate chapter? Next week yeah God I know Maybe we'll meet Slintz Yeah

Oh we definitely have got to meet Slintz And he'll have a great accent I don't doubt Shall I get practising now? I think you should Okay Give me a week just to prepare Some options

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