My Dad Wrote A Porno - S4E12 - 'A Factory Visit'

Episode Date: November 12, 2018

In the penultimate chapter of Book 4, Belinda finally sees the tri-oxy brillo range in action for the first time... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello guys and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. It's the penultimate episode of series four. I can't quite believe it. We're reading chapter 12 of My Dad Wrote a Porno. Alice and James, how are you feeling? You're saying it with disbelief.

Relief. Relief, is that what I'm detecting? Relief, yes, that's what it is. I think a lot of people are to share alice's view mainly that they don't really know what's going on anymore right sorry are you guys telling me i'm right for the first time no it's not that complicated there's a spy in steals belinda's on the case trying to solve it she's recruited james spooner to try and figure it out the suspects are belinda be, Bella, Giselle and Maeve. No, I think there's more suspects than that because we know that the special one's a woman because we were at the Bish

headquarters but I don't think Spooner knows that. You mean genuine suspects? I mean reader suspects. This is what we call dramatic irony. Oh my god. We as the reader slash listener know something that the characters in the book don't. Okay then fine, yeah, it's quite complicated. So guys, what have you been up to this week?

Anything exciting? I hosted an award ceremony last night. James, anything that you've been doing? Oh yeah, who was there? Florence the Machine. Actually, she didn't bring the machine. She just brought a man on the harp. Sure.

Which I think is when Florence is travelling light. Also, Beth Ditto of Gossip. Love her. Love. She'd be a good mistress sweet juice wouldn't she in the movie she would we should chat to her about that did you not mention that i didn't actually in the small talk no it was just kind of hi nice to meet you it felt almost inappropriate but now you've said it perhaps it was a great way to make her acquaintance what did you say she called you

she called me a classy bitch she is. I think it's because I was drinking sparkling water out of a wine glass. Keeping it clean. Yeah, she had me down. Clean living Levine, look at you. The reason I bring it up is because I... Was to show off, yeah. Was to show off, primarily.

Also to bring it back to our reason for being here is because I had to conduct an auction much like the Asses and Donkeys Trust. Oh my God, what was the charity? it wasn't like the asses and donkeys yeah what was the prize there were very few members of staff auctioned off the sex purposes so what was your style you're like hello well it was all very high tech it's on ipads so i had to just keep badgering them and being like i know you're enjoying your beef wellington sir but if you could just pick up your ipad and make

a bid and i also had to do bants where i was like, you know, like, oh, table 56. We know you're cheap. But obviously I don't know anybody that's sat at the tables. So maybe they are really cheap. I don't know. You're signing cows. Yeah, exactly. What did you do?

I had a nice soup. Played on the PlayStation. You've got to stop being a gamer. I bought a PlayStation a couple of weeks ago. I'm loving it. That Spider-Man game is amazing. Spider-Man game. Fortnite.

Have you heard of Fortnite? No. I can tell by that black look on your face. What's that about? You've got two weeks to do what? No, it's...

Yeah, I don't know why it's called Fortnite but you're on an island. You dropped on an island and you're playing online with other gamers and I'm so shit at it. I die every time.

And one time I ended up in a game with this like 12-year-old boy and he was just teaching me the game and I was like, this is so weird. Online die every time. And one time I ended up in a game with this like 12 year old boy. And he was just teaching me the game. And I was like, this is so weird. Online gaming is weird. Do you know what?

It's so weird you say that. Because a friend of mine did the very same thing. Possibly the same 12 year old boy. But he was saying that it would be really annoying because he'd get called to go for his tea. Or his mum would say like, oh, you've got to come and do your chores or whatever. And at one point in the background of his, I heard his sister come in or something. She was like, oh, for fuck's sake. I was like, oh, Jesus. And what if you your physically talking to them you can hear them yeah you got headsets and you talk on microphones that's interesting so my pal heard them being like matt get off that console and come and do the washing up like literally like

know about their life one of yours is down the sheds and that's disgusting um that's um that's And then Tyler. Disgusting. That's a meme, if anyone doesn't know what that was. Sorry. I should probably preface that. That was a meme. It's a very famous one, Alice. You've probably seen it. I actually have. That's one of the three that I've seen.

It is so weird, though, isn't it? I mean, you would just knock on some random door and be like, can I play with your kid, please? Fucking hell. Hiya, do you want to play Jenga? Exactly. Good car come out to be fair I've only ended up in that situation once I was like not doing that again so now me and my friend like just stay in our own little team Belinda Blink didn't make a good game wouldn't it wouldn't it yeah I think so just a shag around mazes and stuff

yeah it's all set in like steals pots and pans and it's like a big immersive world where you can go to the maze and you can go to the locations in the books. Forces of Knightsbridge. Exactly. You like win tokens to like buy riding gear. Collect all the dildos at Epsom Hall with the Duchess. Like coins in Sonic the Hedgehog. All those rings, it was just that jump through.

Yeah. Great. I think we're onto something. Well, as it's the penultimate chapter, why break with tradition? What happened last time? Okay. So last time we had Helga and Belinda meeting, although Helga was dressed as a crone.

Yeah. A lot of people have really benefited from the crone hag clarification. So well done, you two. Yeah. Glad to be of service. And then Spooner was following them. With a gun, we should say.

With a gun. Came to their hotel room and then they realised they were all on the same team and then Spooner was following them with a gun we should say with a gun came to their hotel room and then they realised that they're all on the same team and then they started fucking they had a threesome on the coffee table not on the bed

of course very important detail and that's how we left them but of course this chapter is called A Factory Visit

yes so one would assume that you know we'll be visiting a factory I mean it's chapter titles like that that just make you

want to keep reading isn't it yeah they're not erotic per se are they I'm excited to visit the factory though and I'm really hoping

in this one we meet um Slintz Professor Slintz what do you think he's going to look like well I think the description you said to me was quite accurate

what like curly hair yeah thick circular glasses like the Weetos man exactly kind of folding on top that sort of monk hairdo. Small but squat.

Yeah. Wearing probably a white coat, lab coat. Yeah. I think what we're thinking is very sexy. You know. Yeah. A raw scientist masculinity. Got you.

Okay. Right. We're going in. Belinda Blinked 4, Chapter 12. A factory visit James Spooner changed suits He hated the smell of stale semen It does stink It stinks when it's fresh

Oh my god Jesus Christ It's got someone Straight in Someone once We were making pancakes oh my god it's got someone straight in someone once um we were making pancakes once oh god where's this guy and my friend was like smell this have you ever smelled batter no jizz smells like jizz really really strong really badly i'll make you some no you're quite all right uh so who's jizz yours well they call jizz baby batter as well don't they that's where it comes from anyway james spooner changed soon next time you're cooking pancakes or yorkshire puddings have a sniff oh lord okay i like the idea that he hates it but some people love it

so doesn't he say that it's just not for him he hated the smell of stale semen and no matter how careful one was, you always felt that a few splashes would linger in a visible place. That's a bitch, isn't it, to get out? I always get it on my clothes. Like, not jizz, but like, I'll drop... You know when you drop something on your jeans and everyone's like, oh, aye, aye, aye?

Really inappropriately as well. Like, work and things. Like, what are you suggesting? I've masturbated in my jeans. Was there a previous for that, or...? I feel like I have loads of jizz stories right early on. Yeah, that's two. Let's see how many more we've got.

Chalk them up. Helga had slipped away, as was customary by critters of her vocation line. Pardon? Helga had slipped away, as was customary by critters of her vocation line. Every time you've got a little quiver in the voice.

I mean, it's weirdly written for a start, but also it doesn't really lend itself to being read out loud. Helga has slipped away. Helga has slipped away. What tense are we in? Helga has slipped away as was customary by critters of her vocation line. Basically, she's... She's left the room.

She's left the building. But she's FBI, so you just disappear, don't you? Like, you don't linger. Oh, right. You're gone, aren't you? You're just like, you're in the shadows. So what was the point in her being there in the first place? What on earth was the point in that meeting?

Belinda was still sleeping, despite it being 6.24 in the morning. Wake up, Belinda. You've got stuff to do. Those pots and pans will not sell themselves. But there was no time for more playfulness, as it was the day of the factory visit. Belinda walked into the large industrial doors. Doink! large industrial doors. Belinda walked into the large industrial doors with authority, reflective of her rank.

Doing it with authority is even worse. But her professionalism was burst like an over-pumped Lilo. The moment... You know the sort. I feel like Rocky's had experience of that. He always, whenever we went camping as a kid, which was quite often,

he would always over-pump that fucking lilo. He'd, like, rock hard. Oh, I see. I was going to say, how do you over-pump a lilo? It never popped, though. But Belinda's professionalism was burst, like an over-pumped lilo. The moment she saw her bosom gal pals Giselle and Bella.

All the suspects are in one place. What are they doing there? They were always going to go to the factory visit, weren't they? Oh, suddenly Alice knows what's happening. I'm sorry. Maybe I'm the special one. Giselle and Bella, we're back together. Yeah.

She shouted, they all shrieked. That professionalism is out the window. Can you imagine? It would work. They all shrieked. Formed a little circle and sang. Oh, okay. What do we sing?

It's literally like Hocus Pocus. There is a bit in Hocus Pocus where the three Sanderson witches like dance in a circle. I've never seen it. Oh, it's so good. It is so good. So they all shrieked, formed a little circle and sang. G for gin. T for tonic.

R6 titties are supersonic Oh god We don't mind men We don't like fuss We're the Glee team Come and get us Oh my god Wow

Okay right Send that to all of our phones So that we can sing along Wow wow Yeah can we get the lyrics? Yeah, get the lyrics to us. Oh, really? Oh, so we're all going to do it together?

Yeah, send them to us. Okay. Okay, we have the lyrics. Okay. Mamma mia mia. Okay, I'll cue us in, all right? They all shrieked, formed a little circle and sang. G for gin, T for tonic,

our six titties are supersonic. We don't mind men, we don't like fuss. We're the Glee team, come and get us. When did they make this song? When did they prepare this little ditty? You don't usually have to say our six titties.

No. But good to have a little kind of inventory there. We don't mind men. We don't like fuss. That's a very important distinction. I feel like that's going to be the anthem of a generation. So they bumped bottoms and flew their hands in the air, fluttering their fingers like falling raindrops.

Oh, beautiful. What the fuck are we doing? A miniature cough broke the joyousness. Miniature. And the women looked down at a smallish, white-coated... It's Slint! ...grey-bearded gent. Oh, he's got a beard.

I didn't expect a beard. Or maybe, actually, a kind of close beard. Good morning, Frau Sylvester and Fräulein Ridley and Blumenthal. I am the eminent Professor Slint. Okay. All right. With the spirit of your grandma, apparently. Inventor extraordinaire of steels, pots and pans.

Is he Jim? Where is he from? He is whoever I fucking want him to be, all right? Two chapters left. Let him have it. Please follow me for your access all areas tour. Oh, wow. Now he's very English. Of a wonderful factory.

Oh, he said wonderful, so he must be German. It's spelled with a B. Oh, he said Vonderfels, so he must be German. It's spelled with a V. A fluttering honeybee of an Irish lilt broke the forthright handedness. Okay. Sorry. Please help.

Maeve. And what did she break? The forthright handedness. Forthright handedness. Oh, she broke through the familiarity. Does that mean? No. The forthrightness. He's just put the word hand in there does that mean? The forthrightness. He's just put the word hand in there for some reason.

The forthrightness. But who was being forthright? Oh, Slince. Was he being particularly forthright? Well, he was just kind of taking control. But the honeybee's about to cut through it. It must be Maeve. Please don't start without me, it said.

The glee team flicked their ponytails in unison. Oh, come on. As they swivelled to see little Maeve from Steele's reception desk totter towards them. What? Dressed as a honeybee, apparently. Bee costume. What is she doing there? What is she doing there? Well, James. What was she doing there? What is she doing there?

Well, James. What was she doing here? Belinda thought. It was all Bella could do to keep her tongue from polishing the tiles. Her mouth was so wide open. In shook. In shook. Bella was shook.

Bella was shooketh. In shook. Maeve barged was shook. Bella was shooketh. In shook. Maeve barged past Bella, past Giselle, and even past Belinda, cocking an outstretched hand to the wizened Cleverclogs. They like to be called Cleverclogs. Cleverclog-eye. Clevercloggy. Cloggy.

Maeve's got very confident all of a sudden, hasn't she? But that's what they're saying. Now I understand the forthrighted handedness. Oh, was that her? She's bloody knocked it for six, hasn't she? You must be Professor Slants, she said with determined plainness. Slants viewed the newest arrival as the leaf of her homeland and so couldn't believe his luck.

What does that mean, sorry? Yeah, what? Slants viewed the newest arrival as the leaf of her homeland and so couldn't believe his luck. What does that mean, sorry? Yeah, what? Slintz viewed the newest arrival as the leaf of her homeland and so couldn't believe his luck. So what you've done is just repeat it, haven't you? You haven't really given me any insight. What is the leaf of Republic of Ireland?

Oh, the shamrock. Right. Which is the four-leafed clover. Right. The luck of the Irish. Oh, he saw her as lucky. Right. No is the four-leafed clover. Right. The luck of the Irish. Oh, he saw her as lucky. Right. No, couldn't believe his luck.

Yeah, because he saw her as a lucky shamrock, so he couldn't believe it. Oh. That being his luck. Right. Okay. Yes, that makes sense because he said, four lovely ladies to show off to. Oh. Oh, he must be lonely up there in the factory designing the pots and pans surely he's not

designing them surely there's a design team he must be coming up with the technology you wouldn't get a top professor to be like oh do you know what i think a chrome handle yeah he's working alone it's like dick van dyke and chichi bang bang just on his own in some weird that's kind of how i imagine it though i don't know really yeah truly scrumptious four lovely ladies to show off to it beat his previous life fashioning cauldrons on the streets of hanover cauldrons he's a professor in cauldrons his previous life what in medieval times yeah fashioning cauldrons on the streets of hanover he thought oh so that is germany so someone headhunted him from having boughting cauldrons on the streets of hanover he thought oh so that is germany so someone headhunted him from having bought a cauldron and they thought that's bloody good

that he can fashion it well yeah and they thought you could be the lead inventor for europe's second largest distributor of pots and pans yeah of course where else do you think they find them yeah logical the streets the streets of hanover okay girlies now we start girlies i would take umbridge with that yeah excited alice we're gonna go on a tour of a factory we're gonna go room by room aren't we we are we are gonna go floor by bloody floor there will not be an inch of this factory we don't see in this chapter we'll start with the handles we'll end with the lids i'd be able we will end with the lids i will be able to sketch this factory every single part of it by the end of this chapter in fact let's get a pen and paper

we're gonna map it as we go okay oh he's got a right bag of tricks down here has he okay we're ready okay so they've been in a room because so belinda walked through those big doors didn't she yes so do the doors so she's walked into those. Then they were in another room where they met Slint. Yes, okay. And so Gurley's now Vistart. Great, okay. As they walked through the thick metal doors,

some more doors. Two more big, thick doors. It's very well protected. Belinda was fascinated by her surroundings. The large-ish laboratory... So large-ish. Large-ish. Is this to scale, you're doing it?

Yeah, bear with. You should be able to build it from this. It's like Grand Designs. Look at that. The large-ish laboratory was bursting with life. Put lots of stick people in there. Okay, got it. And she could see pots and pans scattered all over various benches

okay benches we will post this on instagram afterwards of course i'm just doing a light scattering of pots and pans okay good what just like on the floor well they're on the benches so i've done them on the benches james listen please sorry thank god you've got this map because i'm already lost they're in the trenches They're on the benches. She could see pots and pans scattered all over various benches with technicians busily turning on jets of flame. Oh, wait. Bloody hell. All right.

Jets of flame? Do they mean just like Hobbes? I'm such a swat. I'm such a swat. She's got her tongue sticking out. I'll literally never live it down if I don't do this right. Carry on. She'll catch up. Various technicians busily turning on jets of flame and burning out their centres.

Of the pans? Mm. Oh, so they're, like, testing the heat resistance of pots and pans? Metal, different types of metals, maybe. OK. Oh, right, yeah. Nonstick tin. Precisely.

She had always admired factory workers and their specialist skill sets. Patronising bitch. But then she choked on her praise. There, in amongst the workforce and behind a blowtorch, was Agent Helga. What? Disguised as a welder. Dressed as a crone. God's sake, what's she doing now?

What is she playing at? Helga is so annoying. Why is she always there? Helga, why don't you just get back to your other investigation that you were supposed to be doing? Helga flashed Belinda an eye that said, don't notice me. Don't bother me.

I'm welding. A classic way of getting noticed. Behind the flame of a plotal. Don't notice me. Don't bother me. I'm busy. And it was an eye Belinda immediately understood. This was what deep cover looked like.

And it was turning her on. What's it? I mean, she noticed us straight away. So it's not deep cover, is it? But I guess if you didn't know what Agent Helga looked like, you'd just think, oh, it's a welder. How long has she been working there to get this level of deep cover? Did she flip between Amsterdam and the Steel Supreme? Every other the steel every other fucking world she's flying in every morning it's kind of the level of disguise that

your dad was in that time he came to our show oh my god yeah have we talked about that i don't know if we have for a while i mean he dyed his hair a shade darker than it usually is which made it kind of ginger because he's got grey hair a bit ginge and then he wore those wraparound kind of Oakley style sports sunglasses yes a very busy shirt

and a Panama hat and a Panama hat he couldn't have looked more conspicuous also no one knows what you look like so you are your own disguise my mum was so fucking livid that day do you remember

she was like look at him he dyed his hair think about that process he takes his anonymity very seriously clearly well he did have that look in his eye that said don't notice me don't bother me it's a bloody giveaway he knows that look well this is what deep cover looked like and it was turning her on like a spin wash at 40 degrees what year is it what what women sit on a tumble dryer and get off these days it's not like 1931 do they even have early ye olde tumble dryer

picture this you're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back with 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. Now, as you is all employees of the company, I shall introduce you to the top secret untold wonder.

The top secret untold wonder. That is the trioxy brillo range. This is the moment. Right, so everyone in that room, those five women, one of those is the special one and wants to see the trioxy brillo range. So what, Belinda? Bella. Bella. Giselle.

Giselle. Helga. Helga. Gotta be a suspect now. And Maeve. And? Bella. Bella. Giselle. Giselle. Helga. Helga. Gotta be a suspect now. And Maeve. And Maeve. Fuck. One of them is not supposed to see what he's about to show.

Oh. What if this whole time the Trioxy Brillo Ridge is really underwhelming and Liz Flint is like, we put some glitter on the panhandle. The tri means three for two. Oh, that's the massive discovery and development. I shall introduce you to the top secret untold wonder that is the Try-Oxy-Brillo range. He said, the women were salivating

as slints shuffled over to the life-sized safe in the corner of the room. Any safe is life-sized, surely. What do you mean? What does that mean? It's hard to draw if I don't know. A life-sized safe. So maybe a safe you have in a hotel room,

but it's life-sized. But what do you mean by life-sized? Do you mean human-sized? I was going to say one in a hotel room is life- life size it's just in proportion for what size it should be it's still life size though um true to life i can't help you then i think he means like a big safe like a alice it's open to your interpretation i've made it quite big wow let's see it's like half the size of the room big so it's a walk-in safe. Yeah. It's life-sized. Slints entered the combination and opened the door.

Gold light flooded out from within as the women gawped in awe. Do you want to put some light beams coming out of it, maybe? Okay, sure. This is some of my best work. Welcome to the future of pots and pens he's doing a lot of bloody build-up this better be good the professor proclaimed brushing aside a2 sheets of graph paper containing the intricate blueprints professor slints selected Professor Slintz selected a deep saucepan from the sparse collection of gold leaf prototypes. Gold leaf?

That is literally it, isn't it? It's gold leaf. So not even gold plated? Because gold leaf, that's going to flake off, famously. Why? Is gold leaf what you stick on to things, isn't it? And then it comes off. We don't use it for things that you're going to put soup in and heat it up, do you?

Try it on soup, then. it's got gold leaf on it this is so upsetting you called it oh my god oh hang on oh no wait i think that's all it is it's the big thing that it's deep the glee team and Maeve gasped in wonderment as he set it onto a metal tabletop. Next, Professor Slintz took from the wall-mounted spice rack a larger-than-a-litre test tube, full to the brim

of the highest-quality Scotland Highland spring water. Votch, he said. Okay, I bet you a hundred million pounds that he pours the liquid into the pan and it turns into something else. You think that's what the trioxy brilliard does? It's going to turn it into gold or turn it into...

Or treacle. Treacle. Either gold or golden treacle. Okay. Prof Slintz took the test tube between his fore and ring fingers. Fore and ring fingers. Well, that's five fingers.

No, fore and ring. Oh, his forefinger. His forefinger is ring. That's very hard to do. That's like that. You need the thumb in there somewhere, don't you? No, you're doing it wrong. That's your forefinger and that's your ring finger.

Like that. Okay, you literally can't really do that. So it's your second and your forefinger as a's your ring finger. Like that. Okay, you literally can't really do that. So it's your second and your fourth finger as a little like... Try and pick anything up with your fore and... I'm going to try and pick this glass up. Oh, that is not easy. Try and pick your phone up. Oh, God.

It feels so weird. People at home listening, try and pick a phone up with your fore and your... Oh, God. Your forefinger and your ring finger. Your second and your fourth. Prof Slintz took the test tube between his fore and ring fingers and poured the Scottish Highland spring water into the pan. Upon making contact with the base,

it immediately started to bubble and boil. What? Self-heating pans? It immediately boiled? It's a microwave pan. It's great for mulled wine. Even a microwave doesn't immediately boil. So it's had a chemical reaction to the surface of the pan.

Right. Right. Von hundred degrees like this he laughed as he snapped his thumb and middle finger thumb and middle oh that's normal okay fine i'm so suspicious now he clicked he clicked so that's the special thing about the trioxy that's the technology that they're trying to protect it's pretty fucking good technology that is amazing you wouldn't waste it on a pan, famously. Why? What would you use it with? That's like new science.

You're not using that on your next frying pan. Well, he must have heard a lot on the streets of Hanover. You're so indoctrinated. Do you hear what he said? What else would you use it for? But can I not like, what else would you want to use it for? Spaceships? An electric blanket?

When's that going to come in useful? I guess if you were camping or... No, guys, you're not appreciating what a massive, massive breakthrough this is. There's some technology where when water hits the surface of this metal, it immediately boils. That's insane. That's like the future. Why are you saying camping?

How's it the future, though? No one's trying to do that. Have you ever heard of that? It's not even on a heat source. Should dad be patenting this right now? No, but why are you all impressed? It's a pan on a table that's just boiling. I know, but I wouldn't want that.

Like if I put my soup in the pan. That's because the apocalypse hasn't come yet, James. Think beyond your soup. We could heat the world. No, it's because the apocalypse hasn't come yet, James. Think beyond your soup. We could heat the world. Oh my God. We could heat the world. Doesn't need any more heating. Thank you very much.

That's true. Self-heating pans in three seconds. I give you the Tri-Oxy-Brillo Lange. Yes, we know what it's called. Thank you. He's getting frantic, isn't he?

Oh, look. Dad, the Trioxybrillage. Three seconds. Try. Oh. He's actually thought about this. It's quite cute. After a few moments, the Glee team and Maeve burst into applause.

Professor Slintz bowed and when his head travelled back to 90 degrees the glee team were totally naked. That's a kind of tri-oxy-brillo technology of their own. One bow, three seconds, close off.

So when his head travelled back to 90 degrees the glee team were totally naked. Belinda spoke first. The lioness leader of the pack she was. Professor, we are low urchins and you are cleverer than Einstein. Please insert your DNA into us. Oh my God, that is the Huke worthy.

Into us. Oh my God. That is the Huke worthy. The half moon spectacles of Professor Slintz became foggy with desire. Of course he's wearing half moon spectacles. Do they even make half moon spectacles anymore? It's not Harry Potter. He could feel his little one get a bit bigger inside his undergarments. Oh, don't call it his little one.

And a bit bigger. Just got a semi semi it's all he can muster oh god his monobrillo range in there little chub my it had been a while designing market smashing cookware takes its toll on the private life. Cue violence. Yeah, totally. Giselle continued. Yes, Mr. Prof Prof. Mr. Prof Prof. This makes me ashamed to be a woman. Yes, Mr. Prof Prof. Prof Prof. What are you talking about, you stupid woman? Yes, Mr. Prof Prof. Proffer me your sword of enlightenment. What are they talking about, you stupid woman? Yes, Mr. Prof, Prof. Proffer me your sword of enlightenment. What are they talking about? Sword of enlightenment? More like a pencil of... Dune.

Oh, God. And an Ikea pencil at that. Yeah, one of those little short ones that you have to constantly sharpen. Slint sculpt. His little rascal was throbbing by now. Why is he using such cute terminology

for it his little rascal was throbbing by now and he thanked all above us all for his long white coat oh to hide it

to hide the little hamster or whatever it's called that sounds horrible little rascal but what did he thank all above us all above us all

he thanked all above us all for his long white coat. Bella finished the three-pronged seduction. Yes, Mr Brain. Let's be having you. Mr Brain. Mr Brain. Pinky and the Brain.

We've missed you. Yes, Mr Brain Mrs Brain left a long time ago, didn't she Bella? Mrs Brain got a divorce And never came back and took the kids Widowed from Mrs Brain Oh God Yes, Mr Brain Let's be having you that was it slints through his coat asunder

and pulled out his salmon colored cock oh god get that checked oh Cocked or raw? Cocked or raw? Smoked. Oh, God. Why is it so pink? Why is it so pink? Why is it so fresh off the boat? Oh, my God. It's going to be fresh off the bone. Oh, it just flaked away. Oh, no.

None of that. None of that. We've had that. So, slints through his coat asunder and pulled out his salmon-coloured cock. Oh, still tin in the stomach. The girls fluttered their eyelashes before pouncing. It's a salmon supper. Potted salmon.

My nanny used to make tinned salmon sandwiches when we were kids. Oh, God. Brings a whole new meaning to them now, doesn't it? It's going to be a salmon pate by the end. Pulverised. It wasn't long before the whole factory was a pit of sin. Oh, wait a sec. Let me get to the...

Yeah, make the pit of sin. Okay, the whole factory. Cover it in jizz. Belinda was ripping down the overalls of a packaging engineer. The guy's like, I'm just trying to do my job, love. Do you mind? Where do you think they are? Because the packaging engineers can't be with the technicians in the lab.

Maybe they've all just flocked to the lab. What, from all over the rest of the building? No, I think they've flocked into, like, maybe the main warehouse. Oh, OK. OK, one second. I mean, no one gives a shit apart from Alice. Only because she's got a job now and she thinks it's dead important. Belinda was ripping down the overalls of a packaging engineer,

sucking and teasing his purposeless nipples. Cosmail. Good knowledge, Rocky. Thank you, Daddy. Hey, he knows the mail body, doesn't he? Professor Slintz was licking Giselle's lid spotless. Oh, God. Licking the lid.

That gives a whole new meaning to having a yoghurt, doesn't it? Oh! Do you want to lick the lid? Oh, those papaya slivers. Professor Slintz was licking Giselle's lid spotless and Bella was on her knees, clutching for everything she could get. Bella's crawling around the floor. She's such a bottom feeder.

Poor Bella. It was a magical environment. Doesn't sound it. The factory had been operating at a high turnover rate and the deliverables had been getting overwhelming. This was just the type of relaxation any business was obliged to provide to the whole team. Yes. And they were glad of it.

Yes. Lovely. Suddenly, Spooner bounded into the factory room. Did somebody call IT support? Still keeping up that pretense. He yelled as he unclasped his braces. Teeth or trouser? I think trouser.

Did somebody call IT support? No. The congregation of orgy participants cheered as he ripped off his clothing. Bella joked at him in between the cocks of production director George McIntosh and Neil Macduff from Quality Control. New character alert. Production director George McIntosh and Neil Macduff from Quality Control. Oh my God, so she's got two cocks in her hand and she's going at them like they're udders.

Well, if we did spoons, we'd be on hold with the help desk for three and a half hours waiting to get our issue resolved. Laughed Bella. Come here, you big-breasted beauty. He's horrible. I'll give you a first contract resolution, all right? Oh, God. Can we not use all these gross business euphemisms to speak normally?

Spoons squeezed in next to Macduff and Macintosh. As Bella licked and tickled her way through the trilogy. Oh, my God. It's not quite Lord of the Rings, is it? No. The three-dick trilogy. Fucking hell. This is the trioxy version of, well...

The dicks. Yeah. The tri-coxy version. Oh, I knew there was something in that. That was some real collaboration there. By now, Belinda was sitting on Slince's dinky face being aroused. Those half moons, God knows where they've gone. Dinky face.

He's either got a big head with the face just in the middle, or he's got a little pea head. By now, Belinda was sitting on Slintz's dinky face, being aroused by his millions of grey whiskers, each with a mind of its own. Wow. That's horrid. Giselle was having her way with a burly colander puncher.

I'm sorry, what? I beg your what? Not a job. A burly colander puncher. Not a job. Colander puncher. Well, who's going to punch those holes in those colanders? a job. A burly colander puncher. Not a job. Colander puncher. Well, who's going to punch those holes in those colanders? Come on.

A machine? Talk about giving the trades back to the tradesmen. Yeah. How do you spell colander? C-O-L-A-N-D-E-R-Y. Oh, she's designating a colander. Colander punching area. Right, sure.

What I can't wait for is Alice's map to go on Instagram, and then within about 20 minutes, a listener to have made an incredible thing on like a computer with Photoshop and it's really detailed. Maybe a 3D one that you can go inside. Don't say that. The whole virtual tour. I worked really hard on it.

Giselle was having her way with a burly colander puncher and the visored Helga was coming in her best Scottish accent. Sorry. Who was? What? So many people at this orgy. This is the largest orgy we've ever had. A lot of people.

Helga was coming in her best Scottish accent. Right, so what's American Dutch Scottish? That's a lot of accents. It was a heave-ho of bodies and moisture. That's an orgy. That's a great description accents It was a heave ho Of bodies and moisture That's an orgy That's a great description of an orgy But where in the devil's wasp nest Was May

Alice Stop it Alice Stop Alice Where is she? Belinda blinked What the fuck

No That's the end of the chapter. Oh my God! Where is the golden pan? Oh my God! James has nearly choked. Hang on. The fucking safe's been opened.

The blueprints are in there. The graph paper blueprints. He cast them aside. He didn't really care. Oh, my God. Shit. Shit. And they're all just fucking.

Oh, my God. As John Ronson would say. It's still not quite the reveal, though. Yeah, but like everybody else is like. No, but the next chapter could be like oh there she is she's under that welder oh my god yeah Maeve

Maeve so we actually might find out who the special one is next chapter oh my god fucking hell that was great so wait

everybody else is accounted for well we just heard that yeah Helga was coming in her best Scottish accent Giselle was with the colander puncher. Bella's got three cocks in her mouth.

Yeah. Neil Macduff. George Washington. I'm sorry. George Washington. George Hamilton. George Hamilton. George Washington.

George Harrison. George McIntosh. And Spooner. And Belinda was on Slince's face. Do you want to know what the next chapter's called? Oh, God. Yeah. Do you want to know what the next chapter's called? Oh God Yeah The last chapter of Belinda Blinked 4 Oh my God

Is The Wicked-ish Bish What? The Wicked-ish Bish That's good That's bloody good Oh my God I don't really know what it means

I could see it in your eyes You were confused I thought it was going to be called maybe the special one or something no the wicked ish yeah no I heard

yeah so join us next week for the last episode of my dad direct porno season four yeah now's the time to get your final

bets in who do you think the special one is oh my god we may not find out next week but like here's hoping oh come on we're

finding out this is the closest we've ever been to a week but like here's hoping come on we're finding this is the closest we've ever been to a reveal yeah so fingers crossed and we're going to do a listening party next week for the finale yes of course so how do people take part in that so 8 p.m gmt around the world everyone presses play at the same time so they will have to save it well you know how some people get together and like have parties and make dinner together and listen to the episode together. Yeah, so save it for the evening. We'll all get on Twitter,

at Dad Wrote a Porno, and we'll figure this out together. Will we find out? Are you going to cook for us? No. Oh. Great. In the meantime,

please do get in touch with us and be on Twitter for the listening party, of course. It's at Dad Wrote a Porno. Instagram is MyDadWroteA. We're on facebook as always you can email us my dad wrote porno at gmail.com we've got a website my

dad wrote porno.com if you want to sign up for the mailing list and thank you to a cast for hosting as always i mean there's only really one way to sign off this week i think we're on

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