My Dad Wrote A Porno - S4E13 - 'The Wicked-ish Bisch'

Episode Date: November 19, 2018

In the final chapter of book 4, all hell breaks loose as the Special One's identity is finally revealed... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. What has he done? Is Rocky an author? The eyes of a spy are everywhere Deliciously poisonous, dripping in leather Who could it be and do we care?

Is it Giselle or Linda the Bella? Happy Screep it stands No one is safe, the world's changed forever Is this how it ends? Steal it all, one walk's not enough Betrayal lies

In the book Shagging, deceiving and playing a dangerous game Who is the special one? And what's her name? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Alice, will you join me in a book? Shall we? Okay. It feels like Christmas. It's very nearly Christmas. Oh, look at this. What do we call this? Foley. Careful, you bloody point that.

Jesus. These microphones cost nearly £25 a piece. Oh, my hands are sweaty. Do you want me to do it? Oh, God. Oh, God, I can't watch it. Oh, God, it's coming off. Oh, God, I can't watch it.

Hey! Okay. Very good. Listen to that. The crisp sound of £3 books pound books please you know people have heard bubbly liquids before probably in this book bubbly liquids is probably a rocky phrase it's like the archers isn't it with all the sound effects cheers cheers cheers guys i can't believe four books deep don't say deep but yeah i know very excited about where we left it mave's gone missing oh fuck yeah

oh so they're all having this big orgy and where in the devil's wasp nest is Maeve oh the wasp's nest yes just got my little grid here so um oh yeah good

have you brought that with you she could be she could be anywhere in the pit of sin she could be next to the quality control area she could be near the colander punching area

um basically anywhere in the general factory room well hang on do we think that it is Maeve then is that everyone's final bet? Why don't we put our money where our mouth is? Okay.

Should we make a bet? Yeah. A wager. I'm actually quite anti-gambling. Oh, okay. Well, you can opt out. I've got some coins somewhere. The foley is out of control.

I've got two peas. Also, does James travel with like a sack of gold bullion? He's literally like the Sheriff of Nottingham in that Disney film. You know, he just shakes that little pouch of coins. I've got a little pocket in my rucksack that's just full of coins. Really? Why? Well, where's your coins?

These are mine today. Well, we'll reimburse you. Okay, a pound each. I've got three pounds here. Okay. So, my money is on... See, I've been saying Giselle all season. And after the Maeve thing...

Do you know what? I'm going to stick with Giselle. Okay. Okay. I know it doesn't feel right, but I just think it makes most sense. I'm going to put my money on Belinda. What the fuck? She's going to lose that pound.

Oh my God. Well, I've deliberately not read this chapter because I was hoping... I mean, we still might not even know who the special one is by the end of it, but I'm hoping that we will. So I don't know. So I... So I have no idea.

I really want it to be Bella just because she's such a dreamer. No, okay, no, you're not allowed to put that in. But Maeve, fuck it. I was going to say, no one betting Maeve. Maeve, all right. I'll throw my dad a bone, Maeve. Okay, great. I hope we find out a bone. Maeve. Okay, great.

I hope we find out. So, guys, the jackpot on the table tonight is three whole pounds. Wow. Okay. Belinda blinked four. Chapter 13. The wicked-ish bish. Belinda regained her composure as best she could.

Good heavens, that was a powerful portion of sex. Portion? Slice? Cutlet of sex? I'm as hot as a half-fucked fox in a forest fire. I'm sorry? What? What's a half-fucked fox? Half-fucked. They have those strange barbed penises, don't they?

Very vicious lovers, yes. When they go in, the barbs come out. And when they try and retract it, it's like putting up an umbrella inside. And then you pull it back. And that's why they scream. They make these horrible noises when they're fucking retract it it's like putting up an umbrella inside and then you pull it back and that's why they scream make these horrible noises when they're fucking sound like little girls screaming

it's terrifying and little boys as well mainly little girls but yeah sure I'm as hot as a half-fucked fox in a forest fire she flustered pulling up her thong

on the wrong leg does that mean she puts the whole thing on one like a garter have you ever seen those like men's thongs That are just on one leg

And you tuck it all into You tuck your dick into there And it's all on one side Have you not seen them? No What for? I don't even know what I'm searching for here Single side thong?

Yes you do Bookmark Oh my god It looks like an apostrophe It's called a C string Oh And it hooks around the penis and around a bum cheek. Why would you ever choose to wear that?

Isn't that awful? I think it's so you get a tan on one side. And then you wear one the reverse way the next day. How gross. I mean, how determined are you? Why do you need to tan that area so badly? You love a tan line, don't you? It's just an awful...

If you can imagine, it looks like an eyebrow. It does, yeah. One eyebrow. One eyebrow. If you're going to wear it, you've got to trim. If you can imagine, it looks like an eyebrow. It does, yeah. One eyebrow. One eyebrow. If you're going to wear it, you've got to trim, do you know what I mean? Well, he's just pure hair, isn't he? Yeah. Oh, can we stop looking at it now?

Anyway, I'll post that on Instagram. So she put the thong up on the wrong leg. De tout. Crooned spooner. You just said crooned spooner in spooner voice. Oh. Sorry. Spooner has to stop somewhere.

Crooned spooner. It's just such a fun voice to do, guys. And it's one of the few that I can do. So I had to eke it out. Sorry. Ditto. Crooned spooner. Belinda looked around at the mess of bodies scattered amongst the pots and the pans.

She scrunched down the top of her face. Just rolled down the forehead area. Where are my people? Why is she a nana now? Where am I? Where are my people? Beats me. Oh, God.

Yawned a sweaty Bella. Oh, right. That was a yawn. Beats me. Sweaty Bella. No one wants to see sweaty Bella. Oh, right. How was it, yours? Bait me. Sweaty Bella. No one wants to see Sweaty Bella. No. You're the Sweaty Bella in between Neil Macduff's balls.

What, her whole head? I was going to say, yeah. Which way round? Like lying back like they're a cushion or face first in? Oh, like a neck cushion. Yeah. Like one body inside. Oh, my God. an in-flight pillow that's so fucking gross they're quite long if they can do that aren't they massive balls

or like small balls that long sack sacks yeah yeah yeah scrotum scrotum where slunch Spooner said. Belinda and Spooner immediately looked at each other's position and ran. Oh my God. They looked at each other's position and ran? Belinda and Spoons stormed into the laboratory storeroom. I don't have that on my map. Yeah, that's a new location. Oh shit. Oh, I should probably add it. Can't be arsed.

Where a body was gagging Professor Slintz with their silken stockings. Oh! A murder! This is true crime. This is true crime, podcast. This podcast has always been true crime.

Oh, my God. Don't tell me we can't see their face. Don't tell me that for some reason we can't see who it is. What are you doing? Shouted Belinda. Who is it? Is he dead? Is Slint dead?

The body stared up at her from across the floor, as cruel as an ice cube. They're bloody cruel. The reputation of ice cubes Vicious What does he mean cruel as an ice cube? Does he mean cool as an ice cube? It's definitely cruel Do you mean cruel a bit like

Cruel like the frozen tundra You know the way that The conditions are so cruel and Oh man Bitter That's the look that she's giving me Yeah Okay I don't know why you're not following cruel and bitter. That's the look that she's giving me. Yeah. Okay.

I don't know why you're not following. Why are you doing this? Stop asking why. Mrs. Sylvester. Oh! No! Oh my!

I've won three pounds! Hang on. You haven't yet, kid. My name is Giselle Mars Charkover de Klotz. And I am the special one. But nobody else knows what that means. Hand me the three pounds. Oh, yeah, fine.

Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you. Cheers, everybody. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's only taken a whole fucking season. Are you fucking kidding me?

Well, about 18 months, actually. Yeah. So why does it matter that she's Marv Osweiler's Klotz again? I guess maybe she doesn't want to be associated with her married name that was her way in that was her way in deeper into the organisation

oh my god that's why they got married so quick when she was walking down the aisle it said that she'd been waiting for this we fucking should have

seen this coming yeah oh my god hang on that means that dad's plotted this wow this doesn't make any sense

wait shh shh does everybody shh just do it. Read things. I just love that she pronounced that she was the special one. I was like, eh? So, why are you doing this, Mrs. Sylvester?

Shouted Spooner. Shout it then. Why are you doing this, Mrs. Sylvester? You can't get very loud, Spooner. My name is Giselle Mars Charkova de Klotz, and I am the special one. No! Yelled Belinda. Giselle's played a very sneaky game.

She has. She's in on everything. She's in on Ritz Bar gossip. She's in on every moment when they can share info. She's been there since chapter one.

Has she? She was in the job interview. She's fucking hell. Oh my god! She's a mastermind. So is dad. This changes everything. That's why we don't know

her real age. Okay, that's... I'm sorry, that's too far. That was just a mistake. Wait, she's Dutch. Amsterdam. Yes.

There's connections. There's connections. I'm getting... I'm as hot as a half-fucked fox in a forest fire. No! Yelled Belinda. I'm looking after numero uno, fool. Oh, gone all right.

She's changed her tune, hasn't she? It's over. Time to update your CV, Blumenthal. To dead. Current place of employment, morgue. Giselle pulled out a mini pistol gun. A mini spud gun. From the netted band around her thigh.

You'd see that, surely, in the orgy. She was involved. She was involved in the orgy, yeah. She was getting her lids licked, I think. I'd spot a pistol, I think, if I was lid deep. There were many pistols present. Oi, oi. She aimed it at the ceiling.

Oh. Oh, fine then. She aimed it at the ceiling. Oh. Oh, fine then. She fired and a barrage of cooking aids fell from the storage racks on the ceiling above them all. Oh. One shot did that.

Impressive. They tumbled onto Belinda and Spooner, stopping them in their tracks because they had started running towards the treacherous lady. Because it's a cartoon. Whoa. It's like Indiana Jones now. Yeah, it's like a boulder rolling in front of them, isn't it? Giselle grabbed the hapless slints by the armpits,

bundled him over her shoulder. Really? Bloody hell. She is athletic though, if we recall. And staggered out of the sash window with original glassware. Sash window in a lab? Come on. Shut. Shut glassware. Sash window in a lab? Come on. Shut.

Shut. Shut. Shut the window. Shut. Now we're really in the stink hole. Nobody said ever. The stink hole could mean a couple of things in these books. They've all just been in the stink hole, haven't they?

Yeah. Now we're really in the stink hole, exclaimed Spooner, emerging from underneath the heap of toasty makers He had a brevel to the face Sorry but what does Steeles Pots and Pans make? Toasty makers Wait a sec If he's got the energy and the chutzpah to make a sassy aside

shouldn't he jump out the window and chase after them? Oh Alice there's always time for a sassy aside Okay fair enough I mean we've made a living off the back of them Shouldn't he jump out the window and chase after them? Oh, Alice, there's always time for a sassy aside. Okay, fair enough. I mean, we've made a living off the back of them. Giselle. Giselle. Oh, God, yes.

Belinda shouldn't be... Why did it have to be my best friend? Oh, my God. Pull yourself together. Sobbed Belinda. I feel really sorry for her. Yeah, can you imagine? If Alice turned on us all of a sudden... Well, that I can imagine.

My name's Alice. And I am the special one. Well, you do think you are the special one. I am the special one. Guys, it's not making me laugh. It's a really emotional scene. I'm sorry. I know.

Like, imagine the betrayal. Yeah, treachery. And that was so beautifully played, Jamie. Oh, thank you. We'll give you a moment. Go on. Best actress in a leading role. Giselle.

Giselle. Why did it have to be my best friend? If only people could see the face you're doing. Sobbed Belinda. What are we going to do now? She's kidnapped Slint. Chase her. Follow her. She's only got out the window. She's kidnapped slints. Chase her. Follow her.

She's only got out the window. She's probably in the car park. There, there, Belinda. Oh, for God's sake. Just take some initiative, somebody.

Shake her, slap her. Seriously, they're two like quite athletic people. She's carrying a grown adult. She's going quite slowly.

I'm sure they can catch her. That's such a good point. And he's a fucking spy. This is literally what he does for a living there there pud spooner as he felt her full ass

in his hands focus she turned to face his face and began to kiss his lips. Then his nips. And then his tips. And then his cock shaft. Are you serious?

Actually, I'm not serious. And then his cock shaft of patriotism. Sure. Very different. Right. So much has just happened. She's crying her eyes out. Sure. Very different. Right. So much has just happened. She's crying her eyes out. Yeah.

And then she's like, oh, do you want a blowy? All right. Quick, quick plaza. Plaza? She chewed and choked on it as if it was to be the last time. Evervescent with relief from escaping certain death at the hands of her old glee team friend Giselle. Don't chew on it. Do you know what?

I don't care. Just react to what's just happened. I know it's porn and everything, but I don't know if now's the moment. You know, we can have some victorious shag scene if they catch her. Do you know what I mean? Exactly, like the end of a Bond film

where he's in a boat and they have a little cuddle. Yeah. That's so tame. There's an action scene here that's just been frittered away that he could have used. Unless they're still going to do it, unless she'll have a little nosh and then they'll feel revitalised and they'll chase.

Okay. 6.3 hours later. Oh, so no. 6.3! Yeah, she, so no. 6.3! Yeah, she's probably got away now, yeah. Yeah. She's given quite a head start, pun intended. How much is 0.3 of an hour?

20 minutes, a third of an hour, I guess. Just under a third of an hour, about 18 minutes. Yeah. So 6.3 hours later, Belinda coolly took the camouflaged leather gloves from the leather room wall and opened up the secret meeting room of Steel's

pots and pans. So they got back to London in six hours? From Scotland, is that possible? I guess that's reasonable. We could fly, I guess. And they are very close to Heathrow. Via Hull, obviously. She and Spooner walked down the corridor and entered the room.

There they all were. Who? Her trusted gang of cookware professionals. What? Handpicked by her and her singularly. How many la-la-las are there? There's an extra L-Y. Singularly.

Singularly. Singularly. Singularly. La-la-la-las are there? There's an extra L-Y. Singularly. Singularly. Singularly. La-la-la-la-la-la. Belinda's practiced eyes travelled to each face, sat around the space-aged reflective table. So who do you reckon is going to be here then? Well, they've whittled out the mole now, so... Bella, I presume.

Do you know what? What? Say what you like about Bella. so who do you reckon is going to be here then well they've whittled out the mole now so she can trust everyone Bella I presume do you know what what say what you like about Bella but fucking hell you can depend on her she's loyal she's an idiot

but she's loyal she's consistently stupid she's too stupid to not be loyal to be fair quite how do we ever think it was her

so dumb now we're out the other side it feels so stupid but it made you so paranoid didn't it you looked at everybody with kind of intrigue and suspicion.

I feel like Bella. So, her practiced eyes are looking at everyone. Bella, Tony, Sir James, Des, and not forgetting

Paddy the barman. Oh, come on! He's a trusted pots and pans maker. Well, he must have a lot of info. I mean, he is just watching everyone

in the pantry the whole time. But don't let him into the inner hub of the company, literally the secret meeting room. He's in the clandestine futuristic hub. Oh, hang on. I'm not forgetting Paddy the barman, amongst others, serving cold Aussie chardonnay.

Right, okay. Maybe he's just the hired help for the day. You need snacks at an important top secret meeting. Exactly. He must have signed some sort of NDA. Yeah, of course. All in all, there were about nearly 20 individual characters. That's a note to Rocky, really.

Whose names I have forgotten. I can name them all, but there's really no need. We all know who they are. I love that there were about nearly as well. About nearly 20. There were about nearly 20 individual about nearly there are about nearly 20 individual characters ballpark 20 belinda stood quietly in front of sir james's favorite flip chart greetings colleagues i have called you here today because i trust in you. As you all know, the end is nigh upon us all.

Is it the apocalypse? Well, for Steeles, Potts and Pans, it might as well be. Yeah, exactly. Sorry, I don't mean to make light of it. This is a big speech. Yeah, sorry. This is longer than the one at the Millennium Dome building. They're getting it for free. They're all going to get a free toasty maker at the end of it.

If we don't rescue Professor Slint, this will surely be the end of Ste. If we don't rescue Professor Slintz, this will surely be the end of steels, pots and pans. So why didn't you fucking rescue him then, you stupid bitch? Why did you give a blowjob instead? We presume for five hours and then an hour's travel. So, if we don't rescue Professor Slint slints this will surely be the end of steals pots and pans do you think this is all just a cover because basically since belinda took over

as sales director they have lost so much money so she's like let him run and he can totally be the scapegoat i gave away 600 grand's worth of pots and pans last month giselle just like pretend to kidnap someone please just throw him over your shoulder and run into the car park and I won't chase after you. So, this will surely be the end of steels, pots and pans. Maybe even of quality yet affordable cookware anywhere in the

Western Hemisphere. It is going to have a knock-on effect. They are the second biggest distributor. Who let a baby in? Bella burst out a baby-esque snotty cry. I am

obsessed. Bella burst out a baby-esque snotty cry and was comforted by the Duchess's long gloved fingers. Why is the Duchess there? Because she trusts her. Yes, it's not just everybody she's ever trusted in her whole life. I think it may well be.

There's upwards of 20 characters there. Yes, Bella. These times are grave times. But I believe in us, in friendship, in professional connections. In LinkedIn, basically. In steels, pots and pans. The top secret meeting room erupted in cheers. We will not go down without a fight. The top secret meeting room erupted in cheers.

We will not go down without a fight. They may have taken our slints, but they will never take our pans. It's from Braveheart. He's told that from Braveheart. But she literally went down without a fight. She literally went down on him without a fight. That's exactly what she did. They may have taken our slits, but they will never take our pans. Yes, capital, shouted Sir James boldly.

So, colleagues, now is the time for action. That is why I, Belinda Blumenthal, International Sales Director, propose we create an underground movement. I thought that's what this was. Not necessary. Just find slints. Yeah. Just find Giselle. Don't be like making secret societies.

What, she's setting up the Masons? Pretty much. Hot diggity dog. Oh, fuck off. He's not there. Cooed Jim Sterling. Not so boldly. That's quite bold.

Hot diggity dog. One, all and everyone. I've covered all bases. Welcome to the first official meeting Of the confidential order of cookware knights Is this like the order of the phoenix in Harry Potter? Yeah Who's with me?

One by one I thought you were going to say one hand went off Bella, like oh my Has no one realised what that spells in an acronym? What? The confidential, what was it? Conf no one realised what that spells in an acronym? What? The Confidential... What was it? Confidential Order of Cookware Knights.

Cock. Fucking hell, Dad. Oh, God, he's not subtle, is he? Although, actually, I didn't notice, so... It was quite subtle. So you'd say you're a member of Cock, for sure. I'm in Cock. This is our weekly meeting of Cock.

One by one, the people sat around the table, rose to their feet. I am me. If you're going to do it 20 times, let's just assume everybody said it. You betcha. Oh God, they're all going to be jazzy yeses. Anything for you, boss. Belinda beamed. She didn't blink. She's all Anything for you, boss. Belinda beamed. She didn't blink.

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Or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks and hikes, led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner. Peloton All Access Membership Separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. It was still cold as cold could be in East Berlin. What? A deranged, beating fist banged politely... Dilly!

...on two huge-scale doors somewhere in the depths of a decrepit office block. Giselle's brought slints back to Bish. Oh my God. Edgar. Wheezed hair Bish from behind a cloud of smoke sitting at his desk. Two things. Do they need slints or could they just have taken the plans? Because she's dragged him, she's carried him to Germany.

I thought she didn't get a plane. From Scotland to Germany, on foot. She's literally through forest, like across rivers, because she had just picked up those papers. And then she would never even have to reveal herself. She'd just like, slot it into your bag, and then get back to work. Also, that is what Bish asked for in the first place.

She's going to bring in Slintz and be like, no, the blueprints. Not the man. Also, that is what Bish asked for in the first place. She's going to bring in Slintz and be like, no. No. The blueprints. Not the man. Because Slintz will be like, I don't really remember. Something like gold? In death.

Wheezed hair Bish from behind a cloud of smoke sitting at his desk. The doors swinged open. Swinged. And in strutted The beautiful form Of Giselle Clad all in black Patent leather

Move your snitflick What? What? Sorry Move your sitflick I'm sorry what? Say it one more time Sitzflick Sorry

Fifth time Okay S- fleisch. Sorry. The fifth time? Okay. S-I-T-Z-F-L-E-I-S-C-H. Who did German? Fleisch is meat. Oh. You're sitting meat? Tush?

Is that your tush? Oh, your bum, maybe. Is that the buttocks? Get up, translate. A person's buttocks. Oh! I didn't even do German. So how do I pronounce that, Jim? Oh, I don't even do German So how do I pronounce that Jim?

Oh I don't know Zitzfleisch Zitzfleisch Zitzfleisch That's not at all what I said Move your zitzfleisch Shrieked Bish Move your zitzfleisch

It's quite hard for a milk offer for long won't it? Giselle's steel tipped high heeled shoes echoed on the stone slabs as she moved, a little quicker, to his desk. Do you have the blueprints, my special one? Nope, she'll... Asked Bish.

Not even a photograph of them, because she could easily have taken a photograph of them. No, Hair Bbish i don't he's not happy he screamed it was that sexy little fun but it is not what is her name belinda blumenthal hairbish hairb blinked. We've come to learn that means nothing. But, began Giselle, there is no butt in business. It's petrifying. Poor Giselle. He's such a lizard. There is no butt in business, shrieked Hairbish as he rose over his desk and hobbled to his feet. Giselle blinked. She'd never seen her master stand before.

It turned out the famous Hare Wolfgang Bish was a mere five foot one inches tall. So hunched over, he must have been three foot two. Engulfed with annoyance, he took his walking cane and raised it to beat his special one. Bish is such a bitch. But Giselle was too quick for him. She kicked her leg to 90 degrees and pinned her bish to the grimy office wall with a stiletto. Oh my God. Oh wow.

But I have one better. I wouldn't say it's one better. She spoke. I have an old man with a poor memory who invented these plans three years ago. And we can't guarantee we'll talk. Ta-da! He's half dead.

They dragged him through the channel. And I was choking him just before I arrived. Giselle clicked her fingers. Wait, sorry, which fingers? Just to check from last chapter. She clicked her big toe and thumb. Annoyingly, her patent leather gloves didn't allow for much connection and it sounded rather like a pitiful

as opposed to a sharp snap no matter thinking on her mighty fine toes Giselle clapped her hands instead a couple of henchmen entered the office dragging a big bag of something behind them. I think it's a bag of slints. I have Professor Slints himself, she exclaimed. Giselle unripped the bag. Unripped? What, pre-ripped? Yeah, she sewed it back up.

She sewed up the bag, the end. Actually, sorry, I know we've been down on bringing slints in, but if he invented the Trioxy Brillo range, if he's under the command of Bish, then he could invent loads of things. So actually, maybe better than just having the blueprints. He's their genius, isn't he? Exactly. So Giselle unripped the bag and out tumbled the frightened as all hell Professor Slintz.

You'd be petrified. You would. He doesn't know what countries he's been through. It's been cold, it's been hot. One half of his half-moon spectacles was hot. One half of his half moon spectacles was smashed. A half of a half moon. So a quarter moon or half of the specks. So a half moon.

Maybe half of the specks or half moon. A half moon. One half of, yes, one half of his half moon spectacles was smashed. And he had a few loose bogeys dangling from his nose. I know that feeling. Oh, Jamesames you're terrible for that yeah obviously to be fair you don't always know they're there we do obviously from when he'd been crying for mercy inside the bag oh bless him oh god he's the only one alive who knows the true trioxybrillo recipe. Oh, no, they're on the blueprints, aren't they?

The recipes. That's what the blueprints were. That's why he asked for the blueprints. Plus he's the head of a team. Yeah, and everyone's alive. No one's dead. So said Giselle as she looked down at him. I feel like he specifically asked for the blueprints for a reason.

If he'd wanted a live professor, it would have said capture the live professor do you know what he's like he knows what he's talking about yeah it was a very clear brief and she hasn't fulfilled it bish shuffled closer to him so his chin whiskers were itching slints his facial whiskers oh it's a whisker to whisker little kind of it's like an eskimo kiss yeah that's nice are we allowed to call it that anymore? An Inuit kiss? God, you're so woke. Well, I don't want to upset the Inuits.

We meet again, slints. Oh, they've got a past. I think they trained together. Now you tell us everything. Wait a sec. What nationality is Slintz? Hanover. German.

Fuck it. They're brothers. I think they might be. I actually think they might be. I think Slintz, if you reverse the letters, spells Hebish. The newly formed confidential order of cookware knights. Oh, right. Okay, back there.

Back to Cox. Exited the steels Pots and Pans complex and blinking in the sunlight, walked to their respective modes of transportation home. They were so glad everything had worked out well. The end. Their cars. Tony ambled to his handsome Jaguar.

Sir James limped to his groovy Rolls Royce. Bella got in the sidecar of Belinda's motorbike. Bella walked. And the Duchess mounted her beautiful horse, Toppy Apple Chew. Toppy Apple Chew! Why are we only into a series about toffee apple chew? I could do with a toffee apple chew right about now. She wrote a horse.

A stallion. Well, she brings that to the office every time, does she? Must do. And they're a secret order. And she's brought a horse to the office. Hey, apple chew is very very inconspicuous yeah let's not draw attention to ourselves and then a convoy of every kind of car you've ever seen just as they did so mave from reception ran up to them, shouting. No, screaming.

Oh, go on. Belender, Des, Beller, Patrick, Bill from HR. Yay! Belender, Des, Beller, Tony, Patrick, Bill from my church But Jesus, everyone, take cover Take cover? It's a bomb threat Get behind the cars, away from the offices

Yeah, get next to the massive tanks of petrol, why don't you, you idiots Put Toffee Apple Chew behind a wall Hide behind Toffee apple too. Also, sorry, are we skimming over Bill from HR? Because he can't die now after all this. What the? Chorus the newly born

confidential order of cookware nights in unison. All of them said what the. Let's try it. What the? Say what? Everyone scattered. Just. What? said what the let's try it what say what everyone scattered just what oh my god what what everyone scattered just before a massive explosion ripped through the car park. Tony's Jag had just gone up in smoke. Oh my God.

And flames, I presume. All of it. A cacophony of car alarms shrilled all around as the members of the confidential order of cookware knights lay on the ground, bleeding profusely. Oh my God. We've potentially lost some of the premier pots and pans specialists in the world. This is catastrophic for pots and pans.

Belinda blinked. Well, she's alive. Yeah, but maybe for the last time. It was just enough to see a hazy figure running away from the explosion. Then, the fearless international sales director of Steels, Pots and Pounds What? What what?

Died. Fuck off! What? Fuck off! What? No, I'm joking! Oh my god, my heart actually stopped! Don't fucking decide! No, I'm joking. Oh my God. My heart actually stopped. Don't fucking decide.

I'm going to be sick. Jamie, that's not cool. Sorry, sorry. So it was just enough to see a hazy figure running away from the explosion. Then the fearless international sales director of steels, pots and pans fell unconscious. And that is the end of Belinda Blinked 4. Fucking fuck fuckton. Oh my God.

Well, that is a sombre note to end on, isn't it? So the person running away, do you think they're in on it? What, like an accomplice of Giselle? Yeah, somebody that's Giselle or Bish related. Well, it was Tony's car that was bombed. Unless Rocky's got his timeline all mixed up and this actually happened before Giselle left the country and she did it. Oh, right.

Oh, so it's like a kind of flashback-y type thing. So hang on. Giselle's a special one. She's kidnapped the guy who makes the recipes of all of the pots and pans. Can we use the correct

terminology? It's a design, not a recipe. Dad says recipe. So Slintz has been kidnapped. He's now in East Berlin with Hairbish and Giselle. At the tower,

the Wicked Tower. Yeah. So now they've got the plans for this amazing pan. They're going to, like, take over the industry. Yeah. Like, Steels can't even compete, especially with someone like Belinda at the helm. Well, they can't compete because all the major players

have been taken out potentially. We might have lost a lot of lives here. But they have just formed this cock. They've just formed this massive cock. This quite solid cock. So they've now formed this secret group to try and combat Bish. A secret cock, really. A secret cock.

Yeah. Fucking hell. But how many are left? They're all lying bleeding profusely. Well, I think that's the cliffhanger. We're not going to know now until book five, which means, Jamie, the question that comes every season. You can't not let us read book five.

We have to find out about the cock we need the cock alice is desperate for the cock um well the thing is about this is that book five was the first book that dad wrote after we started doing the podcast is the only thing so i'm like should we do it yeah don't overthink it just read it i mean what I would say is that he wrote it so early on in the podcast life I think I think he'd written

book six by like week nine of the podcast being out so the influence would be minimal because he writes

so fucking quickly what's your concern that it might have got sexy no oh god gross I'd be quite interested

to know how the podcast is now going to influence the books because... James just wants gay sex in it. Well, yes. James is like, it might be written to order. It'll be all my desires in a book. I mean, it would be quite interesting to see what dad thinks makes this show popular

because as you both know, he comes to our live shows sometimes and will say to us why are they laughing at that this isn't funny this is a sexy book so um yeah he doesn't really have a full grasp of of why people like it so it might be interesting i guess so is that a yes one more jamie please you only have to do one more one more please just one just a little book just a little book i'll give you three pounds it's all it's winning sold are you gonna do it all right fuck it yeah book five fucking hell i can't believe yeah okay yeah okay good i'm gonna embrace it we've made the

decision we're gonna do it my worry is it's going to be even shitter. If that's possible. With influence. Yeah. With inspiration. So next year? Next year. Fuck it. Yeah.

Okay, let's do it. But actually, we're going to be back before then. We're going to be back this year with a Christmas. It is tradition, isn't it? The Christmas special of My Dad Wrote Porno. People don't feel like it's the festive period without a little bit of porn to carry them through December. People bake mince pies listening to it. It's really part of people's christmas that's worrying if you do that you should be ashamed of yourself um yes we'll be back on monday the 17th of december for more belinda

festive fuckery yes um but before we go we have a few thank yous don't we guys um martin bachelor does our amazing music which which you probably love. People love the music so much. That music is some people's wake-up alarm. Do you know that? Is it? Yeah. People want it as a ringtone.

I think we could make a fortune. James is always thinking about the Benjamins, isn't he? Klein Borrell did our amazing artwork as well. Lovely Klein. Yes, very nice. Very classy. Too classy for this show, I think. Thank you to ACAS for hosting this absolute smut.

Can't believe you still with us. It's been such a good series. Thank you to ACAS for hosting this absolute smut. Can't believe you still with us. It's been such a good series. Thank you to all our guests as well. Yes. We've had Jesse Ware, James Haskell, Hayley Atwell, John Bronson, and Dame Emma Thompson. We salute you. The Duchess. And also, thank you to Dad, Rocky Flintstone, for letting us do this.

He's such a brilliant sport. We all really love you and you go you're such an amazing sucking up to your dad it's too late four books in you've literally rinsed it i don't know why but i just love him more and more every day we should say as well belinda blink 4 is now available to buy on amazon so if you want to throw rocky a few quid so he can buy some new pens a new pad just head over to amazon but most importantly yeah thank you guys for listening we really really can't believe that you've been so loyal with us four books deep they've stayed with us four books they could have been reading or listening to actual

audiobooks they could have been listening to classics and this is what they chose this is a classic come on yeah for all the pictures, the tweets, everything you send in. Yeah, you're so creative. We love it. We love trawling through all the stuff that you send us. It's amazing. So we'll see you at Christmas and 2019 to open Belinked 5. We'll be right back. Don't let the I'm too small for this mindset hold you back from protecting yourself. Zinsurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit Zinsurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes.

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