My Dad Wrote A Porno - S4E2 - 'Tony's Secret'

Episode Date: September 3, 2018

Will Tony and Giselle say 'I do'? Who is the phantom behind the pillar? Jamie, Alice and James return to the wedding of the year to find out.. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello guys and welcome back to My Dad Wrote a Porno. We're on episode two. I was going to say we're whizzing through it, but we're not, are we? Very much at the start of this misadventure. How are you, James? Yeah, I'm good. Excited to be back at the wedding. One of the most highly anticipated weddings of the year, I would say. I would say the

most highly anticipated wedding of the year. More than Meghan and Harry. Oh my God, it makes that look fucking shit now. That was years ago. Who cares? Oh God, who even attended? Seriously, Oprah. Boring! I would say this is more star-stud years ago. Who cares? Oh God, who even attended? Seriously, Oprah. Boring. I would say this is more star-studded though. Who wouldn't want Bella at their wedding?

Who wouldn't potentially want father of the bride, Mr. Mars Charkover de Klotz? Well remembered. I've been practising that for a week. Do it again. Who wouldn't want Mr. Mars Charkover de Klotz there? It is quite the ensemble, isn't it? Maybe we'll meet some more guests this ep.

Well, you know who we want to meet, don't you? Who? The man behind the pillar. Of course. Who is it? Right, so you feel pretty strongly, James, that it is Bish. I'm not so sure. Al, where are you?

Referred to as the Phantom, so I don't even know if only maybe Belinda can see this presence. Oh, a ghost. Oh, bloody hell. If she gets fucked by a ghost, I'm literally leaving. That's it. Lots of people very frustrated that we didn't find out who the special one was in chapter one.

Did they really expect that, though? I know we hoped, but did they really think that he would deliver? Well, there's a tweet here, Alison. It says, what the fuck? I'm not listening anymore. And that's from me. You know you can just tell us direct. Don't feel like you have to tweet here, Alison. It says, what the fuck? I'm not listening anymore. And that's from me. You know, you can just tell us direct. Don't feel like you have to tweet.

Just saying. Do you think we'll find out this chapter? Will it just go on and on and on and on? Well, look, I think you just need to settle down and start enjoying the story. It's going somewhere. South, swiftly. I just want to jump right back in. Because we've got through all of that boring bit with the vows and stuff.

Oh, we're actually at the point where you can object, aren't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it ended when the vicar said, dearly beloved, if anybody has anything else to say, anything could happen. Oh, shit. Oh, God. Imagine what the reception is going to be like later on. I don't. I imagine that's this chapter now. If we get that far. Yeah, it took us quite a while to get through just that first bit of the wedding. What if this whole book is the wedding?

Oh, God. It's just 24 hours. Like the clear up as well. Just like the minutiae of a wedding. Like the bits you don't really care about, like somebody on car park duty. Yeah, that annoying bit at the end of the night where everyone's trying to find the taxis. He'll do a whole chapter on taxis. I went mad at a wedding recently and I just became coach monitor.

I was like, we need to get out of this field and back to somewhere that's serving alcohol. And you know me, I have one drink a night. I was going to say, that's so enlightening. I had a high vis vest on, I had a clipboard. Oh, that's why. I was like a woman possessed. You knew the way to their hearts was one more drink.

People were joking around and I was like, we can have fun when we get there. Okay, one, two, three, this one. One, two, three, that one. So do you guys want me to start reading chapter two? I do. I do. I do.

I do. Throw the bouquet. Okay, so Belinda blinked for chapter two, Tony's Secret. The organ growled out its duty. What organ? Which organ? Oh, like the piano organ. Not Tony's cock. Not the appendage.

The organ growled out its duty. The church bells rang and Tony and Giselle left the church with a new symbiotic relationship the world called marriage. Right, that was all for naught. The wedding's over. So it was really not important that we finished on the does anyone object bit, which would have been a perfect place to create a cliffhanger and come back with some revelation. Have we not learned from dad and the cliffhanger thing he doesn't know what one is okay and he can't use it and he shouldn't continue to so what they're in a

symbiotic relationship that many people call marriage that the world called marriage isn't that what they call in like natural history that's what they call things between like two insects one that like gives the other some nectar and another one like builds them a hive or whatever you don't usually use it to mean marriage a symbiotic relationship guys they're literally husband and wife the sylvesters then are they they are the sylvesters i can't imagine she's kept that name she can't double back like quadruple barrel it, can she? Oh. But to Giselle, it was just another step in her life plan. What does that mean?

Well, a lot of girls do plan quite far in advance getting married and what age they want to get married and what age they want to have kids. And boys, Jamie. And boys as well, that's true. But girls do, yeah. When I look back at my mood board. Did you have a plan for your wedding? Have you got any? No, but you know, I don't want to get married.

Don't want to get married? Didn't make a book? Didn't make a book. Oh my God. Did you hear that? What? That was the sound of millions of hearts breaking around the house. Shut up.

That was a sigh of relief from men across the globe. No, I'll like to shack up with someone, but I don't want to get married. You want to shag around? I mean, what? No. She doesn't want a symbiotic relationship that the world calls marriage. I don't necessarily want a symbiotic relationship that the world calls marriage. But I'll have a symbiotic relationship as long as it's called something else.

Fair enough. But to her, it was just another step in her life plan. Why does that sound calculated? That just sounds weirdly manipulative. I mean, it's all pointing to Giselle at the moment. What, as being the special one? Yeah. Outside the large wooden front doors,

the Steeles Pots and Pans senior sales team held up a series of oxybrillo pots and pans. Oh, come on! In a triumphant arch. I love the idea that they're throwing cooked rice from one of the pans. Just loads of Arborio. That's really stodgy. Right, hang on.

Can I bang a pot and pan in celebration at this moment? I mean, you haven't asked for a response, but... Shall we be the revellers as well, then? Yeah, okay. Okay. Oh, it's so happy to meet you. Congratulations. Well done. It's so happy to meet okay Okay, so like Oh, it's our happy new year Congratulations Happy new year

Well done It's our happy new year Oh my gosh, it's beautiful Look at the bride God, it's like being there, isn't it? I actually thought that wouldn't be a pleasant sound But I think I would feel really congratulated if you did that I'm not sure that's what that meant

I think they were just joining them up top in an arch Oh, it was more of a visual display. It's hard enough to like carry confetti with you on the day, let alone a fucking saucepan. Yeah,

but can keep your confetti in there, keep your wallet in there, keep your phone and your keys. But then hold it up above your head, like how far in advance

have they created the archway or do they just suddenly go into formation? Like a swan's wings coming up. Exactly. Beautiful. Tony and Giselle walked slowly under it, kissing each other inappropriately. Inappropriately?

What, like with tongs? Probably. Down below. Oh God. Tony's left hand was already planted in Giselle's buttocks. Oh! Does that mean he's like gone down the... Has he gone down the dress? And in? But in the buttocks. Planted. Wedged. Well he's either gone underneath. I would have thought underneath. Or down the corset.

Unless it's wedged, like he's wedged the fabric in. He's gone over the fabric and just like wedged his hand in. Oh yeah, maybe that's more likely. Kind of like a wedgie. Yeah, he's doing a wedgie with a flat hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tony's left hand... Flat left hand. Tony's left hand was already firmly planted in Giselle's buttocks and as cheers of much happiness for the future emanated from the guests, the happy couple climbed into their wedding car

and were whisked away to the reception being held at Sir James Godwin's mansion near Windsor. Windsor. Literally where Harry and Meghan got married. It's lovely. We saw it on the TV, didn't we? Very nice. Didn't it look good, yeah?

Not many pots and pans there, though, were there? They missed out on a trick. Bella, by now, had a wet stain over her crotch. Oh, God, because she was, like, patting her down. Oh, my God. By now. Oh, what? She's not been at it the whole time since, has she?

Making her white dress somewhat see-through. How wet was it? Wet groin competition. Oh God. She caught Belinda by the arm and said, Will I ever be a Mrs. Do You Think Belinda? No. Is this day on the cards for me one day? I don't think she's going to make it to the age of 30.

Never mind get married. I mean, if it looks like she's pissed herself at the wedding, no man is going to talk to her. She's going to drink bleach thinking it's WKD Blue or something. Like, she's not... Brains are going to be a downfall, aren't they? Belinda wasn't listening. Poor Bella.

She's just an inconvenience, isn't she, really? Always the bridesmaid. Actually, not even the bridesmaid Didn't even make the cut No Barely a guest Never the bride Always a day guest

Never the bride Belinda wasn't listening Her head was already puzzling Over who she thought She'd spied in the church Oh yeah Thank god somebody's Thinking about it

Yeah So where's he gone now She nodded at the damp Bella And made for her car The damp Bella Hello I'm the damp Bella. Also nodded, like, all the best. Great to meet you. Have a great life. Dry yourself up. Bye.

Also, she asked her a direct question. Do you think this will ever be for me? And she just nods. What was that? Sure, yeah. She needed a good stiff gin and tonic and fast. At the reception building, guests... Why does every building need building on the end? At the reception building, guests drank the sparkling Australian Chardonnay freely.

Belinda had found herself in a gossip bubble. Help! Stay in a gossip bubble! Can you be in a gossip bubble on your own? I think you need to be with friends, yeah. How many people make a gossip bubble. Can you be in a gossip bubble on your own or is a gossip bubble with others? I think you need to be with friends. Yeah. How many people make a gossip bubble?

And how many can fit in a gossip bubble? Well, this gossip bubble consists of four people. Okay. What I like to think of as a full gossip bubble. Oh, you can't get

any more people in. Belinda had found herself in a gossip bubble with Bella, the Countess Zara of Leningrad Why the fuck is she there? What is she doing there? And the Russian devil Grigor Kolansky Come on

There were plenty of times to bring those characters back And this is not one of them Why on earth are they invited to the wedding? Wait, sorry Do they even know Giselle or Tony? I thought Belinda just bumped into Grigor. Yeah, with Peter Rouse. Giselle wasn't even there.

Oh, so maybe Tony knows them though. Maybe, I don't know. I mean, Rocky clearly knows them and needs lots of characters for a wedding scene. I just can't help but feel they've got no friends. I know. What a weird guest list. Well, this is the ultimate

Pots and Pans networking event. Why not double it up? Happiest day of your life and a chance to shift some of that fucking oxybrillo range yeah absolutely we also have to remember

this is Rocky's guest list so he's literally just remembering everyone he's written in the book so far these are all of my dad's friends now have you ever been

invited to a wedding where you think like really I've made the guest list I actually have yeah a few yeah where you're like

honestly like of your intimate number of friends and family, I'm getting invited. And they're always small weddings as well. It's mortifying. Yes. But I always go because I love weddings.

You do, yeah. I don't. I don't go to a lot of weddings, actually. Do you turn a lot down? Yeah. Is that bad? What's your reason? Can't be asked.

You don't RSVP, sorry, I can't be asked. No, no, no. I kind of have like a semi-rule whereby if I don't know the bride that well, or the groom for that matter, you know, if... The other half. Yes, if I don't know them that well. And sometimes I've been invited to weddings, I haven't even met them before. What, either of them?

Well, he's a star now, James. It's a PA. So yeah, and also just, you know, they're expensive and a lot of people have the same day. Have the same day. Yeah, my sister is getting married later on next year. Oh, I thought you meant all the weddings are the same. Like, they don't mix it up. They wear a white dress.

Boring. That kind of is true as well, let's be honest. You've seen one, you've seen them all. I kind of feel, that's why I like abroad weddings because there's always a bit of an ease at parties. Abroad weddings, who calls it abroad weddings? I'm going to an abroad wedding. In fact, Rocky Flintstone is giving away one of his daughters at a wedding.

A holiday for two to his daughter's wedding. At a wedding in France next year. He's officiating. No, I'm officiating, Al. You're officiating a wedding? I am, yeah. Who's, your sister's wedding? My sister's wedding, yeah.

The Flintstones are mad on the enter. How do you go? Ticketmaster. Where do we get the tickets? Do you want to come? I mean, this sounds ludicrous, yes. They would love to have you and I'd love to have you too as my pals.

And also you'll get to hear Dad's father for the bride speech. Stop it. Can you even imagine? Why is this the first time we've considered going? I'm up for it if you are. The only thing is the classic political decision of

are we day guests, night guests or both? Well, that's the beauty of an abroad wedding. You all have to be... Stop calling it an abroad wedding. An abroad wedding. What do you mean it's not an abroad wedding? An abroad wedding. Does that sound like something anyone's ever said before?

Me and James had a lovely abroad wedding in Italy, didn't we once? James, say something. We did. We went to an Italy... Yeah. We went to an Italy wedding, didn't we? I've been to we went to an Italy yeah we went to an Italy wedding did we I've been to one in Barcelona

that was a nice abroad wedding was that one abroad yeah it was an abroad wedding have you ever had one Al no I don't think I have I've never had the pleasure

oh they're really good they're really good so what's the beauty of an abroad wedding you were saying you all are day guests there are no night guests everyone to everything

exactly oh sorry I didn't realise it was an everyone to everything wedding that's what we call them in my family it's an everyone

to everything abroad wedding there is that Oh, sorry. I didn't realise it was an everyone to everything wedding. That's what we call them in my family. It's an everyone to everything, a board wedding. There is that spunky little leprechaun on the switchboard. Sorry, what? Growled Gregor. Is that code again? Does it mean Maeve? I call her Irish.

Oh, it's Maeve. It's bloody Maeve. Who? Maeve on reception. There you go. It's Maeve. When has he met Maeve? When has he met anyone?

Why is he calling The switchboard as well? Get someone's direct number For fuck's sake Who? Maeve on reception Replied Belinda in a hush She wasn't invited

Oh we knew She wasn't invited She'd only just started To be fair But to be fair Countess Zara's invited That's true No but she's Countess.

Yeah, but I mean, at least Maeve's met fucking Giselle and Tony. Yeah. Maeve could at least have been involved in the Pots and Pans arch at the ceremony.

Oh yeah, she's got the expertise. She's dealing with them every day. Seriously. She wasn't invited. That. Asked the Countess from under her enormous double-rimmed

firecracker of a hat. Double-rimmed. How'd of a hat. Double-rimmed? How'd she fit that in the bubble? It's a double-rimmed bubble, so it's fine. A double-rimmed hat, what for her pleasure? Everyone else's, I think. What's a double-rimmed hat? I think that's wearing two hats.

She's got a straw hat and then a baseball cap on top, double-rimmed. she's got a straw hat and then a baseball cap on top that asked the countess from under her enormous double-rimmed firecracker of a hand tony doesn't trust her interrupted bella in between bites of whole mini toad in the holes whole mini toad in the holes why wouldn't they be whole why would they already have bites out of them it's very confusing what a lovely light bite for a wedding nibble toad in the hole batter and sausage tony doesn't trust her he thinks she's not kosher she's brand new how does anybody know anything about her also surely tony employed her in the first place we've all seen tony's interview technique You get straight to the bottom of it, as it were.

Zara's one visible eye sparkled. The other had been pecked out by a bird earlier in the day. I think that's one of the double rims. I always think

it's covered by rims. Oh God, gross. Rimsy. Zara's one visible eye sparkled. I saw that on Skype once. She looked shifty. What are you talking about? Why did she see her on Skype?

Well, I guess they're in business now, aren't they? A, Countess Zara cannot use Skype. She can barely use a fucking typewriter, that woman. She's so old. Why do you think she's old? Is she not old? I don't know. I don't think so. You've added that. I don't think she's old. I think she's quite beautiful, isn't she?

Yeah, like kind of like... Not that you can't be old and beautiful. But I think she's young and fresh and beautiful. Yeah. Oh, I thought she was an old countess. No, I think she's kind of a young Russian beauty. Oh. James, do not feel mad at yourself, though. It's been so long since we've heard from these characters. So, hang on.

So, Countess Zara was on Skype with Maeve. Well, maybe Maeve was setting up, like, a conference call. Sorry. Who does any business over Skype? No offence, James used to work for them. But, seriously. We had a meeting on Skype the other day. But you don't chit-chat on Skype.

Oh, she looks shifty. What, shifty on Skype? Everyone looks shifty on Skype the other day. But you don't chit chat on Skype. Oh, she looks shifty. What, shifty on Skype? Everyone looks shifty on Skype. That's true. It is a bit like a mugshot, isn't it, Skype? It's the resolution. I saw her on Skype once. She looked shifty.

A perfect fit for my loose ladies of darkness. I tried to poach the little kitten tail. I promised her riches and spice. But she said... I'll give you some paprika. I promised you a thousand pounds and some cumin. Some crushed chilli flakes. And cayenne pepper.

Spices. Spices. I promised her riches and spice. But she said she refused to budge her sexy little ass. So, hang on. Like, she's a receptionist at a pots and pans company and she said, would you like to be a prostitute? Obviously Maeve's a piece of ass

because I don't think I've ever even thought about what Maeve looks like. I thought she was a mousy little librarian. Well, what's interesting about this is that could we add her to the suspect list? Well, that's what this is suggesting but I just feel like, if that's the the case we've been utterly duped by rocky because he's told us one two three four jack shit about me i love that rocky's really pushing me the audience couldn't care less and rocky's like no come on come on remember about me no no one remembers because you never told us

she's shifty on skype she must be the special one. Look at her Skype manner. Yeah, I feel like he's going to really hit us over the head with Maeve for a chapter now. To be like, it's totally Maeve. I don't know if Bella's telling the truth. I mean, Tony hired her after all. Thank you, James. Remarked Belinda sagely. Very astute of you, Belinda.

Oh, that'll be Bella. Sorry, how is that written? Bella blew a wet raspberry. She farted. She totally farted. Bella blew a wet raspberry. The wetness was obviously important, and that was a very wet one because I'm sat right in front of you. A little spittle landed on the old dog

Kalansky's thick top lip which he slobbered up greedily. Oh, this bubble is a fucking hive of disease. Someone pop the bubble now. How do I get out the bubble? I'm going to catch something. Belinda continued. The reality is, Grigor,

and you aren't to know this being an expert in caviar and not pots and pans But in different worlds, as we've always said But she has to man the phones back at Steeles HQ After all, the world of the second largest supplier of quality cookware in Europe never sleeps That rolls off the tongue They should write that on the letterhead Hello, this is Steeles Pots and Pans,

the second largest supplier of quality cookware in Europe. Maeve speaking. So is she just manning HQ every weekend, all weekend? Maybe. So she's working seven days a week. Bless Maeve. She doesn't look sneaky. She looks tired.

Yeah. She's knackered. She's absolutely cream crackered. Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so.

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is that she was once a little bit weird on Skype and oh no that's it no but that Tony doesn't trust her we haven't had that confirmed according to Bella talk about crowbarring in some fucking intrigue for Maeve I just think it's funny that he suddenly realized he needs to pick somebody and he hadn't thought ahead who that be so he kind of put himself into a bit of a corner with it being a woman didn't he so he's like do you remember Janine she worked there for a week

as an intern no we don't because you never mentioned her there's a dinner lady in Steele's past and past it's probably her

just then the obviously physical wreck of a man from the church approached the happy couple at the top

table this is the raspy rattly this is the guy in the big hat and the top table. This is the raspy, rattly, this is the guy in the big hat and the long coat, the dressing gown. Again, Belinda had to admit

he was vaguely familiar but still couldn't place him. So that would mean if it is Bish that she's not the special one. Why? Because the special one met Bish. And would know immediately who he was.

And would know immediately who it is. But he's got a massive hat on and like a big coat. Well yeah but I'd still recognise you in a big coat. Noticing the man Tony shook his head in total disbelief.

Uh oh. Is it Tony's dad? It couldn't be. It was impossible. He'd been reported dead for over six years now. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. But deep down, Tony knew it. It was unbelievably his long-lost brother. Oh, my God. That's who he was all along. That's who he was all along. You think that we all at some point have known that he had a long lost brother to make this exciting? But we're learning it all now.

Yeah, exactly. There's no tension at all. We don't give a shit. George! George. Tony shouted and ran to hold his physically broken younger brother in his arms. So has he just staggered from wherever he was missing from? Why has he waited till his wedding day to, like, reveal himself?

Lieutenant George Sylvester, retired SAS, and until six years ago a senior black ops operative with Greensword Global Corporation. Oh, God! I'm going to cry! had been a mercenary for hire operating out of the Arabian Gulf. What is happening, James? What is happening?

Tough and extremely capable, he was known as a man. A dead man? He was known as a dead man. He was known as a man whilst admittedly was known as a man, whilst admittedly still young, who would take no shit from anyone and was acknowledged as the ultimate craftsman in his chosen field of penetrative insurgence.

Excuse me, the what? That was... Penetrative insurgence? Isn't that a thing that you can ask for in a brothel? I think it is. It's extra, but yeah that you can ask for in a brothel? I think it is It's extra but yeah you can ask It's on the menu Who is this cripple thing?

Oh my god Griegel you're not a fine fetter of a man yourself Honestly work on your nicknames because they're offensive Spat the countess Sarah Oh It's more my fault I feel Replicating the general thinking of the guest list en masse What everyone was thinking, who's this?

Who's this cripple thing? Cripple thing? I mean, I'm pretty sure that's not... It's not PC. It's not PC. George? Is it you? You're alive?

Well, if it's George, then yeah. Tony turned around to his father and shouted, Father! Papa! Papa! Father, come here, quickly. It's your son, my brother, and Giselle's brother-in-law. Oh, right.

George. Oh, that one. Returned to us by some matrimonial miracle. It's a matrimonial miracle. Wouldn't you just be like, look? Or like, Dad, look! Get on with it, he's been dead six years. The room erupted in applause, mixed with mirth and some pity at his limping form.

Some pity at his... He's been dead. He's back from the brink. Just be happy. Tony's father, Colonel Reginald Anthony George Sylvester, strode across the room, shaking his head, tears rolling down his cheeks. Oh my God, this is so emotional. It's like surprise, surprise. The three men clutched each other in a quiet celebration of living life and sobbed for unbelievable joy. What an emotional bubble.

Belinda blinked. Oh my God. She knew she'd seen him somewhere. For unbelievable joy. What an emotional bubble. Belinda blinked. Oh my God. She knew she'd seen him somewhere. I knew it was that dead brother. I saw him at the morgue. That's where I saw him. An old black and white photograph on Tony's desk.

How old is he? Why is it black and white? How nice he's not dead, she thought. Ever the emotional character in this book. Such a fucking robot. How nice he's not dead belinda politely excused herself from her bubble i knew she was still in that bubble because she needed the loo in her experience happiness moved the bowels as much as the heart oh my god and coffee coffee and happiness so she needs a shit, basically. Every time you're really happy, you need a shit. Maybe that's... She's learnt to be unemotional.

That's what it is. She's bunged right up, isn't she? As she sashayed down the rambling, varnished hallway floorboards to the powder room, Belinda tripped over a genuine snakeskin cowboy boot. A genuine one? Oh, my. Hang on, what does that mean?

Sterling's not there, is he? It's a cowboy! Giddy up, missy. Said a familiar voice. Why on earth would he be there? I don't care. What is this guest list? Belinda swivelled on her beddy like a lost fish washed upon the seashore.

Throw her back in. Jim Sterling. She gushed. Eat me, he replied. Eat me? What does that mean? I don't know. He's got a sausage roll down there these days.

Something flaking pastry and shit. Oh, God, no. They're at a wedding. She's on that lovely floor. To be fair, everyone will be distracted with the emotional scenes. Yeah, that, no. They're at a wedding. She's on that lovely floor. To be fair, everyone will be distracted with the emotional scenes. Yeah, that's true. So if she wants to give a quick blowy in the corner, it'll be fine. Oh, no, she's running to the bathroom.

Oh, God, yeah, her bowels are moving. Don't forget why she was running. Belinda carefully unzipped Jim's leaveys. Leaveys? The old leaveys, yeah. How's he spelt it? L-double-E-V-double-E. Levee 501s.

The old Levees twisted. Belinda carefully unzipped Jim's Levees as quickly as she could in her half-delirious state. She carefully inspected his appendage, wondering how the toll of time and use had aged it well it won't be aged but it's whether it's like we discussed before whether it's properly taken oh my god is it now just a beautiful finished peen well james she need not have worried marco origes had indeed created a monument to womankind meant to last. Created? Jesus, what is it? Is it in the shape of a woman?

It's that armless statue just in his trousers. Belinda greedily engulfed Jim's rising penis in her mouth. Rising? So it's flaccid if you put it in. It's on the harden. It's on the turn. It's definitely on the harden. It's on the turn. It's definitely on the turn. He grabbed her tits,

but was being frustrated by Chiara Montague's final stitches. Oh. Gee, Belinda, this dress of yours is some fine fit. How do you get out of it? Belinda struggled to answer through her cock-stuffed mouth. Just take it out. We're serving tonight a cock-stuffed mouth in a bed of rocket with a beautiful piquant dressing.

Jim, stop messing about. Oh, sorry. Jim, stop messing about. You struck me hard. The face you're doing is genuinely repulsive. He did the hand as well. He did the hand. There was no need for the hand.

It was all delivered with such aplomb. I'm going full method, guys. I hope you appreciate it. Tear the fucking dress off with those massive hands. You know, if he tears the dress off, she can't get it back on, obviously. So if he tears it off, she's going back to that wedding with nothing on. Oh, fuck. Just preparing you for that.

Tear the fucking dress off with those massive hands. Why has her voice entirely changed when she's got a cock in her mouth? It's so much deeper. Why is she such a bloke? Tear off me fucking dress. Jim, you're back. Jim, it's not nothing about.

It's just about my heart. Tear the fucking dress off with those massive hands. Where's she from now? Jim needed no further bidding and Belinda shed her dress as a lizard would shed its scales. She sat on top of his king-sized cock. That's what they call big twixers.

King size. Fucking him for all she was worth. Oh, how she did enjoy being back in Texas. Yee-haw! I think Texas was in her. With the might of an Olympic rower, Jim pulled Belinda towards him and back, towards him and back.

Oh my gosh, like really like... Towards him and back. How long is it? Until it became clear he was going to offload his essence all over the matte varnished floorboard. Oh no. Oh my day. It is a nightmare to get essence

out of matte varnished floorboards. I feel like it's a similar finish to a matte varnished floorboard. I'm gon' cum. He grunted. Yeah, we got it, Jim. We know. And also, Rocky, we got it. I'm gon' cum. He grunted. Yeah, we got it, Jim. We know. And also, Rocky, we got it. I'm gone cum. I'm gone cum.

I'm gone cum. Not in me, you're not, Sonny Jim. I have the whole day to enjoy yet, said Belinda as she hopped off his pumping penis. Well, you can carry on the day if you've had sex. The eruption started in Jim's monstrous testicles. Oh, God, it's Vesuvius. He's going to blow! Take cover!

I feel like everyone at the wedding will be like those really awful pictures you see of people cowering from Vesuvius. Like Dante's Peak. Oh my God. Oh gosh. Travelled through his vas deferens and thundered along his urethra

into his throbbing cock. That's such a lot of detail. He came, he came, basically. Sorry, a minute of silence for whence. Fuck me, that's brilliant. A powerful surge. It thundered along his urethra into his throbbing cock. Whence he ejaculated a powerful surge.

I don't even know if that's right. Is that the course of action? Is that where it goes? I don't know. James? Doctors out there, let us know. I mean, I'm the worst person to ask, but it sounds right. It thunders through the... It literally thunders through the urethra. Thunders through the balls?

Thunderball, that's the type of lottery ticket, isn't it? It's a Bond movie. From the testicles up the vas deferens. The what, sorry? Vas deferens. Isn't that a ski slope? That's Val d'Azur. Oh, right, yeah.

It goes through the testicles, up around Val d'Azur. Black run. On the ski lift. Mainly cross-country. And then in his urethra to his throbbing cock. His urethra is in his cock. I mean, it's all the same. Well, you know.

He came. He came. He came and he drowned everyone at the wedding. Luckily, Belinda had the reactions of a bobcat. As no one says. They do have those great reactions. And managed to duck just in the nick of time Duck?

Jesus Duck, come on Fountaining friends She watched as his teal covered super sauce Super sauce? Oh my god, the super sauce Surged and splattered over the three-tiered wedding gato. Unluckily positioned behind her ass.

Okay, seven things to say about this. Oh my God. One, why is the wedding gato in the hall by the looms? What are you doing? Number two, how fucking powerful has Origa's made those testicles? Wow. Dangerously by the sounds of it. I would say

bring it down a notch or two it was a pumping penis Alice you're going to take out someone's eye number three it's still blue it's still blue

it's teal now it's teal was it always teal yeah what is teal I thought it was aquamarine now it's like a sort of like does it fade over time it's a more muted colour

is teal more teal's the colour of James' sofa what a great reference for a podcast oh yeah that's just covered in jizz now Oh right that was cream No but for you because everybody else in the world Knows what teal is

Oh well they can't eat that cake now it's ruined Actually knowing them lot they'll probably want it more They'll be like oh looks delicious is that jizz Shit Gasped the knackered tycoon They both looked at the cake, dripping in 250 million flicks of blue semen. Oh, God!

250 million flicks? They've Jackson Pollocked it. Well, that's how much you come, isn't it? You come like millions every time. Yeah, but not 250 million flicks. What's a flick a measure of? What's that unit? It's like per little sperm. Is that per sperm, maybe? Yeah, but not 250 million flicks. What's a flick a measure of? What's that unit? It's like per little sperm.

Is that per sperm, maybe? Yeah, I don't know. They don't call them flicks, though, do they? What Rocky calls sperm. I think it's quite snazzy, mused Belinda. I've seen similar things at the Tate Modern. Wow, she's so cultured. I've seen some artwork that looks like jizz, actually, yeah.

Wipe yourself clean, Jim, and see you on the dance floor, big boy. I'm not going to tell anyone. I'm not even like, I'm so sorry, someone's just jizzed on the cake. I'm just going to let them eat it. With that, Belinda threw a tablecloth over her naked body. Well, Al, you did say that she couldn't... Well, this is the thing. ...put that dress back on.

So she's thrown it over her body. Is she accessorised? How is she even tying that around herself? I imagine... Do you ever see The Little Mermaid? Oh, so kind of toga style with some rope. You know when, like, that weird kind of seagull dresses her up into that bit of sail?

Yeah. And there's ropes, like, cinching her in at the end of the waist. To be fair, she looks fantastic in it. She looks so hot in that. She does. I know, she does. So with that, Belinda threw a tablecloth over her naked body, wiggled those bum cheeks,

and sashayed back to the wedding reception party. I like the idea that you're manually wiggling the bum cheeks. They don't just happen when you sidle back into the room. She's choosing to do that. She's like, right, extra effort. I feel like she did that just to say bye to Jim, though. Just like wiggled them like... She should be careful.

She'll have a Tony hand up that crease if she's not... Well, James. What? Alice. What? Goodbye, because that's the end of the chapter. Should that be our new sound? Just going to wiggle my bum cheeks at you guys.

So, Tony's got a long lost brother. Long dead brother. Long dead. Now alive. Resurrected. But it sounds like he is resurrected because it sounds like he's not a well man still. Yeah.

He needs a shower at the very least. Does a shower sort that out? Shower will sort that out. I've got many broken bones. Stop having baths. You're right. It's raining you will. I wonder if he'll become a big part of the Belinda Blink saga

now or is he a challenge to Tony for the title of what George excuse me Lieutenant George sorry

I'm so sorry I wouldn't be surprised if they've not seen him in six years but Belinda's been shagging him for the past three like you know

it's news to Tony that he's alive but Belinda's like Georgie Porgy where you been here yeah was it really from that photograph on tony's death um so right so back for the disco bit i'm presuming yeah probably dancing and a bit of that lovely cake oh the next chapter is just a track list of what they played throughout the night what's your go-to wedding song go the greece

mega mix that is so good. Of course. Oh my God. Okay, James. New York, New York at the end of the night. A can-can. I bet you on Mike though, singing it. New York, New York.

No, you know when everyone's in a circle and they're all just kicking different ways and you're kicking people in the ankle and stuff. Brilliant. You cannot beat it. Jamie? Minds always don't look back in anger but again for the end end of the night oh no should i go with hey juked i'll go with hey juked all right the drugs don't work uh by the verb smack my bitch up I like big butts

and I cannot lie come on everyone auntie Jean that is a showstopper and I'll hear no more about it so please do join us again next week for chapter three but in the meantime

get in touch let us know how you're feeling about this book we're on Instagram at my dad wrote a we're also on Twitter at dad wrote a porno and you can find us on Facebook.

And if you want to be the first to hear about all things My Dad Wrote A Porno, be it live tickets, top secret projects that we're working on with the special one potentially, just anything that's happening with us, then sign up to our mailing list at MyDadWroteAPorno.com. Well, guys, they did it. It's official. They bloody did it. They have a new symbiotic relationship.

The world calls marriage. To Mr and Mrs Sylvester. Cheers. Don't eat the cake.