My Dad Wrote A Porno - S4E3 - 'Cubicle Confessions'

Episode Date: September 10, 2018

More shocking revelations come to light from an unlikely source as the wedding of the year continues... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello, kiddywinks. How are we both? Alice, you've looked at me very oddly. I don't think we should carry that on as a thing. Are you calling us kiddie winks? I'm just trying to have some fun. Welcome back to My Dad Wrote a Porno. It's episode three. How are we? Yeah, well, had a massage at the weekend, so I feel fighting fit and ready to go.

And you had a face rub, which I've been advertising for a long time now. I really, really do recommend a face rub. You get your face smacked about a bit, don't you? I do, I do. And I think I look the better for it. Yeah, don't you go to a woman who literally just punches you in the face a lot? Yeah, and there's another one that sticks her hands in your mouth

and stretches it out. Oh, bloody hell. What the hell? Pick up yourself, Michaela. Yeah, she gets in... Michaela Strachan. It's not actually Michaela Strachan from The Really Wild Show.

Yeah, she goes inside your mouth and like... Fully? Her whole body? No, she just... Just hands. Right. Just fingers, I'd imagine. Yeah, right um just fingers i'd imagine yeah sorry just fingers whole fist yeah she punches you in the jaw from within no she like stretches out your face because something about like you don't stretch out your face enough or

something that's interesting i've never thought you needed a larger mouth so that is weird you get yeah it hasn't bounced back. It's just remained quite slack. I'm just wondering if we're still going to be at the wedding. Well, do you think the chapter title will help with that? Do you have the chapter title? James, I have the chapter. That's what we're here to do. I like that we've kind of prepared for the wedding in reverse.

You went on like a sort of like hen retreat. That's why you had the face rub. Yeah, I did just go on my sister's hen. I was the gay on a hen do. Oh, it actually was you with the glee team. It was you with the glee team it was me and the glee team nottingham glee team doing ritz bar gossip at a spa of course it was um yeah gay on a hen do so always swore i'd never be the gay on a hen do and now i've been the gay on a hen do can you stop saying gay on a hen do that's what my mum said can you stop saying it and stop being it um did you go to the mudroom no there wasn't a mudroom.

Shocker, because they're not real things, are they? A mudroom. Oh, are they? No, I don't know. I thought that was just something that my dad made up. What I've realised now, though, at a spa, all you do for most of the day is just sweat. So boring, yeah. It's just a lot of hot rooms where you just sweat.

Yeah, I guess it is. Hot rooms with different smells. Oh my God, there's a salt room. Jesus Christ, nearly choked. What's that? A salt room. Just salt in the air. And then there was a lovely one jesus christ nearly choked what's that just salt in the air and then there was a lovely one with rose there's a vinegar one salt and vinegar room

roast chicken room cheese and onion room sounds horrible why would you do that no it wasn't lovely i had a lovely day um so the chapter is called cubicle confessions right cubicle confessions so we might be still at the wedding we might not be still at the wedding we might be in a changing room well I was going to say where are their cubicles

because I was thinking of those little cubicles that American offices have oh yes yeah yeah oh okay like office cubicles I was thinking yeah fitting room

or changing room cubicles yeah okay toilet cubicles toilet cubicles because girls love to chat in the lo room or changing room cubicles. Okay. Toilet cubicles. Toilet cubicles. Because girls love to chat in the loo, don't they, James? You should know. Oh my God. Natter, natter, natter.

Shut up. So where were we? The cake had been pretty much ruined. She bumped into Jim. Oh my God. Tony's like long lost brother turned up. Yeah. Belinda's going to shag him at some point, surely.

He doesn't look well, that man. Well, I think it would be impolite for her not to to because that is her way of kind of welcoming someone into the fold. Yeah, that's true. That's her way of going like, oh, do you know Jane? Oh, do you know Dave? She just shags him. I've shagged him, yeah.

Yeah, many times. She has to see every single inch of someone's body before she can really be friends with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. And of course, we haven't found out who the special one is yet. I know, and also that kind of whole thing has just taken a back seat. So I'm hoping that there's going to be some sort of intrigue. Well, from the chat, I can't tell if we're still there or not.

Cubicle, cubicle. Cubicle. Well, should we just dive in? Let's dive in. I see no other way. Belinda Blinked for Chapter 3, Cubicle Confessions. Belinda Blumenthal slinked into her seat, carefully tucking her designer white linen sheet around her sexual body.

I forgot she's wrapped in that tablecloth. It's not designer, it's a tablecloth. Look, if she wants to believe that she's in designer sheets, let her believe that. She was in a designer dress, but she had that torn asunder, didn't she? Do you think she's grabbed a pen and written Gucci up the side? And she's wearing a sexual body. Yeah, sexual body

today. Sexual body's on. Just as Sir James was wrapping up his best man's speech. Sir James was the best man? Is that his only friend? Oh, Tony's are right. They're all such losers. They're very much in the family, aren't they?

Like, it's a bit like the mafia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. If you aren't in Steeles, you're dead to me. Sir James and Tony aren't related anyway, are they? Don't think so. But Sir James is the... Chairman.

Chairman of Steele's Pots and Pans. Of course he is, Alice. How did I remember that? Jesus. And of course it is tradition to have the chairman of your company as your best man. No, but I'm sure they're very chummy because of that. You know, they've got to know each other over a long period of time. Well, potentially, I might be overstepping the mark here, but potentially Sir James is a kind of father figure for Tony. Yeah, maybe. I mean, obviously

Tony's father is there, but a father figure. So, in conclusion... There shouldn't be a conclusion. It's not a dissertation. The findings show they're in love. I'd like to thank all the hangers-on.

Bridesmaids. Hangers-ids, ushers, etc. Sir James bowed, curtsied and bowed again. Oh, it's a classic. Bow, curtsy, bow. Bow, curtsy, bow, bow, bow, bow. He bowed, he curtsied, he bowed. But, and this needs to be said, as you all know, Tony and Giselle are two very key members of the Steels Pots and Pans organisation. It's not a conference. This is not the moment for it. Without them, pot sales wouldn't be up by an amazing 550%. No, that's Belinda.

Give the woman credit. And also, what does that mean that they sold one pan before they arrived? 550%. So wait, let's do some maths here. How many pans and pots, pans and or pots, do we think have been sold in these books? Have been sold. Because I don't think that it was that many. No, because these are also early deals.

So it's kind of like tentative deals. It's like take a little taste. Yeah, a punt. They're not going to be ordering, you know, 10,000 units at this stage. So what? It was a two and a three, a five and a four. Yeah, something like that.

So what? Let's say like 15,000. Yeah, that sounds basically less than she gave away at the O2. Yeah, that sounds about right. Because I remember that being an absolute shocker. Okay, so if I do my calculations. So what are the calculations? How do you do it?

What are you doing? I'm trying to find out what they sold last time. And this is 550% more. So what's that? 5.5 times the amount. Is it? I don't know. I don't know either.

Do you divide it by 550 and times it by takeaway birthday and times it was this your card okay let's just try that so that would suggest that usually or last year even they sold 2 700 pots and pans internationally so a pan per employee basically but also they gave away 20 000000. So take off 20,000. Okay, minus 20,000. We're into the minuses. Minus 17,000 pots and pans. No, I'm sorry, only pots.

Oh, sorry. This is just pots. Well, they've got a real deficit on the pots. Let's hope the pans came in. Well, Alice, without them, pot sales wouldn't be up by an amazing 550%. Griddles wouldn't be up by 327%. Okay, get the griddle sounds going. Okay, come on.

No, we don't know about griddles. And don't even get me started on the brazier pans. We'll be here for hours. Please get started on the brazier pans. i've never even heard of a brazier pan what is a brazier pan i don't know brazier you're good at cooking a brazier pan oh is it a boob pan it's a portable heater consisting of a pan or stand for holding lighted coals aka a barbecue oh it's a barbecue oh they've branched out don't sell barbecues. Oh, they've branched out steals. No.

Of course you can increase your sales stats if you start selling things that aren't pots and pans. Next thing they'll be like, our sales on villas have gone through the roof. Do they sell like bed pans and like other types of pan? Hey, pan pipes. Pan pipes! And don't even get me started on the brazier pans. Belinda whistled through her clenched teeth. All this talk of pans was making her labia gently sweat with pre-cum.

Oh my God. So she's pots and pans sexual. She's really into it, isn't she? So maybe it isn't the people that she's attracted to all this time maybe it is just the cookware yeah have we talked about it before there are people who fall in love with inanimate objects yeah someone fell in love with the eiffel tower yeah another woman had a long-term ongoing relationship with the pavement someone's married a tree and there was a woman who like really liked fences and she was like i didn't know there'd be a fence here starts rubbing herself on this fence i was like all fences she finds attractive all fences she must have a type though picket fence yeah yeah yeah

maybe not barbed wire the dark and dangerous type that's the kinky kind of fence so do you think she's that does it have a name yes it does it does. Objectum Sexuality. Objectum Sexuality. It's not the most inventive name. I feel like if there were more people into it, it might get a better name. Yeah, if you haven't watched it, Married to the Eiffel Tower is the name of the documentary. You watch some really weird shit, James. It does exactly what it says on the tin, though.

There is another one called Strange Love, colon, My Car is My Lover. Oh, yeah, she loved the exhaust. Oh, I bet she did. I bet she did, don't you, bitch? I don't understand with these things is how can the Eiffel Tower consent to the relationship? And what if more than one person's married the Eiffel Tower? Is the Eiffel Tower a bigamist? Do we really think more than one person is married to the Eiffel Tower?

No, but I'm sure in that documentary she wasn't the only one. Oh, my God. It's an adulterer. James, under French law, actually, under French law, you can only marry as many people as you want. As many towers as you want. Do you think sometimes she looks at it and she's like, oh, it's looking real fit tonight?

Oh, yeah, when it, like, sparkles. Yeah, because it does look quite nice at night. Yeah, it looks really fit. Dressed up nice. God, her at New Year's Eve. Oh, my God. She'll be spraying like a fountain. Think of the pre-cum.

Don't. Where did your dad learn about pre-cum? Well, I don't know, but women can't pre-cum. But where did he learn about it? The phrase full stop. That's a good question. He might have been doing some research. So do we think Belinda's got a bit of a pots and pan kink?

A fetish. She does get off on sales, don't forget. That's true. So the mention of all those stats probably got her. Oh, maybe and pan kink. A fetish. She does get off on sales, don't forget. That's true. So the mention of all those stats probably got her. Oh, maybe it was her stats more than the pans. She likes success, doesn't she?

That gets her going. And to be sure, all the food we are consuming today has been prepared on our very fine quality, yet affordable cookware. Wait, to ensure what? Now they can't sell all those pans that they've used for the wedding.

The whole thing's a fucking sponsorship event. Tony whispered to his new beloved. He's doing a dry run of the AGM speech next week, the cheeky old bugger. He's test driving the AGM speech on the wedding party. Everybody that will be at the AGM is at this event. I was going to say, yeah. So maybe he's just trying to impress people before they get to the AGM speech on the wedding party everybody that will be at the AGM is at this event I was going to say yeah so maybe he's just

trying to impress people before they get to the AGM he knows which side his bread's buttered and then he's griddled it on the griddle pan yeah he's made a lovely

croque monsieur which he'll eat under the Eiffel Tower his new wife Giselle grinned through the divine shaved lime pie she was tucking into.

Sorry? Sorry, sorry, what? She's got a mouth full of cake. The what lime pie? Shaved lime pie. Shaved lime? Yeah. What do you mean?

Maybe it's got like shavings of lime on it. That's not very nice. What, peel? What do you mean shaved? It's like wood chip. Like lime chip. Lime wood chip. Like lime chip. Lime wood chip. But we do have to accept the competition is fierce.

Continued Sir James. Question for you, James. Have we heard Sir James Godwin's voice before? And was it this? It was this. It's become a mix of Clarence and Sir James. Oh. Which I enjoy.

I enjoy when they all roll into one. It'll be Bella in a sec. Our opposition, especially Bish Hesterlung, based in East Berlin, show us no mercy. Suddenly, at the mention of Bish, Bella coughed into her champagne flute. Bella's like... Subtle Bella. Bubbles popped out of her nose as she tried to regain the poise

she had so conspicuously lost. I don't put the words Bella and poise together ever. Are you trying to suggest that Bella could be the special one? Because I've always thought she was quite special. I'm not suggesting anything. He is throwing us, because last chapter he seemed to be suggesting it was Maeve out of literally nowhere. Yeah. Chapter one, it seemed to be Giselle and Belinda both had kind of suspicions about them.

Now the spotlight's on Bella coughing her tits up in the corner. There's no way that Bella is a spy. But also, like, if you were a spy the smartest thing to do would be to be the least suspicious and act but she's not inconspicuous i was gonna say least suspicious most conspicuous like she draws so much attention because she's so thick it's a bold strategy but i think it's one that could work you don't think it's her because it's not her if i'm outsmarted by Bella, I retire now. I think it could be Bella.

I actually think I am team Bella with it. Yeah, I think I'm putting my flag in Bella. I'm not putting my flag in Bella. That's a poor choice of phrase. You've been on that hen do far too long. No, I agree Jamie. My biggest suspicion lies with Bella at the moment. Belinda threw her a suspicious

side-eye shadiness to the highest degree. Why is Belinda suspicious? Has she been reading Belinda Blinked? Like, how does she even know about what's going on? But it's like what we've discussed before, you know, in soap operas, when they hug and the baddie looks over that person's shoulder like, wah-ah-ah. But that's always for the audience at home to see the look. Because why would you do the look just for yourself? Yeah. Why on earth is she suddenly suspicious of bella but maybe belinda's the special one and she is suspicious of bella having that reaction why because she's no she's the special one but there might be more than one sorry no i can't cope with a double reveal like it's bad enough what rocky

writes can we not confuse each other we need to, guys. We've got a mystery to solve. What about the famous five? The famous three? You're Fanny. Excuse me? The thrilling three. That could be us. Thrilling three.

Was Fanny a boy or a girl in the famous five? I don't think Fanny was in the famous five. Which one was Fanny in? The Secret Seven or whatever they called it? I never read those ones.

Well, they added a Fanny in for the Secret Seven. There was a dick and a fanny. No. Yeah. It was George and Anne in The Famous Five. They were the girls. Why did they swap it from George and Anne to Dick and Fanny?

Somebody was having a laugh. Enid was on one. Those were her drinking days. Blighton was on a bender. She was like, let's see what I can get away with. There is no fanny in The Famous Five, but there is a dick. And there was no fanny in The Secret Seven either. Where was fanny?

James, I don't know why you're wanting a Fanny to be in the Enid Bighton bibliography, but... What books were you reading as a kid that had Dick and Fanny in? Well, clearly no Fanny, and look what happened. This just shows you if you starve a child of Fanny in the early years. Yes, there's a book called The Magic Faraway Tree

by Enid Bighton. Right. It's the second book in the series of novels The Faraway Tree, in which joe bessie and fanny later named franny for good reason public outcry oh i have their cousin dick over to stay with them james can't believe his luck james i think you're reading way too much into a children's book what is funny i'm just picturing james at the age of like nine like read the one where dick comes again they then introduce him to silky, Moonface and Saucepan Man.

Oh, come on. And all their other friends in the magic faraway tree. Shut up. Yeah. Saucepan Man. Saucepan Man. Do you know what? It's so weird how it all links together in the end.

This is where Rocky's got it from. This is what he was inspired by. I was thinking, suddenly Dad doesn't sound such a shit writer. Fanny, Dick and Saucepan Man. That's essentially Belinda Blinked. Those are our nicknames. I think we've got a real issue of plagiarism on our hands.

The Blighton estate is going to be hot on our heels. There were loads of lands in this series. The lands of Topsy Turvy, the land of spells, the land of do as you please. Oh my God,

that's certainly the land of Rocky Flintstone. He very much does as he pleases. The land of the old woman. The Duchess. That's the old woman who lives in a shoe. The land of tempers.

In this land, everyone has a bad temper. Oh my God, I'd fit right in. Are we just reading Enid Blyton now? We are, sorry. But what a fun game. Put that on the list for the next dinner party. So Belinda threw her a suspicious side-eye shadiness of the highest degree. However, our oxybrillo range is performing

magnificently. The room erupted in cheers. Woo! Pants, pants, pants. Oh, was that real? How's that written? H-R-R-R-M-M-M-P-H

Yeah, I think you've got it. Oh, very good. Very horsey. Ladies and gentlemen, please recharge your glasses. Did I say recharge? It's usually just charge. Charge. You don't plug them in. Please get batteries full on your glasses.

The bride, the groom. And who else? That was it. The bride, the groom, and that's it. Cheers. To the bride, the groom. And who else? That was it. The bride, the groom, and that's it. Cheers. To the bride, the groom. The skillet table. Hang on, have they named different tables after different types of pots and pans?

Well, that's the custom at a wedding, isn't it? Is it? Not pots and pans, but you name tables after different things. Yeah, after like something that means a lot to you. Do you? Yeah. Like for you you it would be like members of boy bands

or what? Mine would be people I've dated. People that are close to my heart though don't want to be close to my heart. So there'll be

a skillet table, there'll be a wok table, there'll be a, what was the one earlier? A brazier pan. A brazier pan table. Oh right. Yeah.

Oh that's quite cool. I've literally never heard of that. So, the skillet table toasted the happy couple and chatted about the economic situation in general. Oh my God, those mad skillet crew. Yeah, what a boring table. There'll be two school friends on that table like, fuck me, this is going to be a long night.

Everyone agreed that the larger economies were tightening up, much like Bella's vagina. Gregor thought wistfully. I have no time for him. Over on the casserole pot table. That's clunky, but they are. They're very, very heavy dishes. They are.

Doctor, oh. Don't tell me Dr. fucking Robbins. Why is Dr. Robbins there? Dr. Robbins and Helga. Now seemingly an item. No. They were at the time, weren't they? Oh no, she just lived in his cupboard. She just lived in the cupboard, yeah. I think they had sex though, didn't they?

Doesn't mean anything in this. Maybe. Yeah. Probably her first day. Were deep in conversation with the Rouses. Oh, the Rouses are there. I thought the Rouses would be there. Finally they get a mention. Belinda kept hearing strange Dutch phrases wafting across the room.

Wafting? I'm sure she was just saying it. She wasn't wafting them at you. Or just people talking in a different language. Not strange Dutch phrases. It wasn't long before Belinda had managed to get a jive with Dr. Robbins on the cards. I love it when we travel back in time.

Jive! The Charleston was fantastic with the good doctor. Have you ever seen someone jive? They're so fucking smug. Oh, swing dancers? Yeah, smug. You wouldn't think it, but they have an aggressive swagger. Well, we've all seen West Side Story.

I mean, don't. It's when they bend down and click. Don't kneel and click. Yeah, their face is saying like, I know what I'm doing and you're impressed. And neither's true. Can you imagine if the vast majority of the people that listen to this podcast are swing dancers and we just lost it in one fell swoop? Can I just say to the people that do swing dance, I stand by all our comments.

Can you toe down the smoke? Thank you. It wasn't long before Belinda had managed to get a jive with Dr Robbins on the cards. Well, Belinda was dancing. Dr Robbins was just slowly gyrating from leg to leg to leg. How many legs has he got? With a delicate little hop thrown in every few seconds. I love this world we live in. Dr Robbins said in a voice...

Oh God! I love this world we live in. Dr. Robin said in a voice. Dr. Robin said in a voice quickly rising to falsetto level. I love this world we live in. Oh my God. You've just reminded me of a story. It sounds like he's coming by the way. A friend of mine once went on a date with a guy, first date and ended up going back to his and they had sex.

When he came, he shouted, I can see into the future! Oh my God! No fucking way! Shut up, shut up. This isn't true. It's true, it's one of my favourite stories. I can see into the future!

And could he? Well, I don't think they had a second date, so I assume that he wouldn't see her again. I see the other side of your front door and me standing holding my clothes. I love this world we live in! He said in a voice quickly rising to falsetto level. Belinda winced. She couldn't help but laugh. I mean, the man, if he was a man, was surely nuts. level. Belinda winced. She couldn't help but laugh.

I mean, the man, if he was a man, was surely nuts. He's just trying to be positive, Belinda. Chill out. He's just trying to, like, there's so much negativity in the world at the moment. He's just trying to inject a bit of joy. Yeah, he loves the world he lives in and Belinda's very judgmental, I think. But, just then,

the beautiful Helga grabbed her arm. I think that's a bit of a paradox, isn't it? beautiful Helga grabbed her arm. I think that's a bit of a paradox, isn't it? Beautiful Helga? Beautiful Helga. Oh. Well, she's not beautiful, is she? She's warm.

You could say the warm Helga. Yeah. Plain. The lovely Helga. Nah, plain, probably, yeah. The unmemorable Helga. Yeah. The matronly Helga.

The neutral Helga. Belinda! Oh. Helga shouted at her. Oh. I need to talk to you urgently. Oh my god. She's been on her troubles. My voice!

It's gone really well! Help! I need to talk to you immediately! I think something's happening with it in my brain! That's what Dutch people sound like! Are you insane? I was partying with Dutch people at the weekend, actually, in Baftalona, and yeah, they all spoke a little bit like that. I beg to differ. I was drunk, so maybe I've misremembered it

but I was very confident at the time were some of them from Singapore well let's try Dutch again from the top well yeah good

I need to talk to you urgently a bit better yeah of course Helga ladies toilets the cubicles cubicle confessions it was the toilets

cubicle confessions with the Linda and Helga Cubicles. Cubicle confessions. It was the toilet. Cubicle confessions. With the Linda and Helga. Oh my God, it's like Sweet Valley High. Luckily, Helga understood the word toilet. She knows toilet, swimming pool and cafe. Isn't English basically a first language there? Luckily, Helga understood the word toilet,

as it was pretty similar to the Dutch word, which was also toilet. Similar? The same? Pretty similar to the identical word. The girls left the good doctor rocking from foot to foot, nodding his head incessantly to a tune only he could imagine or hear.

Wouldn't you presume that he was dancing out of tune to the music you could hear rather than in tune to music only he can hear in his head? He just doesn't have any rhythm, the poor boy. He must be listening to his own song in his head. In the outer WCs, the delicious Helga... She's gone through a fucking ugly duckling to swan transformation, hasn't she? ...pulled Belinda into... The cubicle.

A cubicle. A cubicle. A cubicle, yeah. I'd hope so. It was larger than average with very pretty tiled cornicing around the edge. Oh, details. Don't care.

It was pink. Don't care. What of Belinda's new fave colours? Don't care. It's a triple don't care. I'm really excited. Helga slammed the door shut. Closed. So it's fully shut closed? It is shut closed, guys. It's a triple don't care. I'm really excited. Helga slammed the door shut.

Closed. So it's fully shut closed? It is shut closed, guys. It's locked. Shut closed locked. Make sure it's shut closed locked, yeah? Double padlock it. Oh, God, she's still in there, isn't she?

She's still in there. Fucking hell, she'll be there for weeks. She's out of her mind. She's shut locked, padlocked, or whatever it's called. What is it? She'll be eating her own arm. She is literally rifling through the bins. Oh, my God.'s called. What is it? She'll be eating her own arm. She is literally rifling through the bins.

Oh my God. Eating cat food, isn't she? Strib me, Belinda. Fuck me, Belinda. Everything is not as it seems, Belinda. Why is she doing the chorus every time?

Sing it if you know it. Maybe this is the song that Dr. Robinson's dancing to. Belinda pulled the fabulous fleece cocktail dress. It's warm and it's sexy. It's functional and fashionable.

Oh my God, she could climb Snowdon in it, but also go to a gala after. Fantastic. Belinda pulled the fabulous fleece cocktail dress from Helga's willing body. Helga lost no time in pushing her hot crotch into Belinda's cool thigh. Steam just rising from Belinda's thigh. Yeah.

She like brandished her with her vagina. She's got a big Helga vagina mark on her thigh. A powerful spark jumped between them. Ooh, said Belinda. Ah, replied Helga. Helga quickly stripped the white designer sheet off Belinda, who underneath was already totally naked. We know that because that's all she had on.

She was wearing a tablecloth. And found her mouth with her tongue. Slowly, slowly, ever so slowly. How slowly though, because we've got places to be. ever so slowly How slowly though? Because we've got places to be. Helga brought the pulsating Belinda

under her Dutchland spell. Her Dutchland spell. Dutchland, not a thing. Also, I thought she had something to tell her. Helga's licking utensil Her tongue. started to massage

her juddering clitoris intensely. Oh God. Suddenly, she stopped dead. Oh. Belinda. Hmm? Belinda. Suddenly, she stopped dead. Belinda! Belinda! Yes, what? Listen to me. We're listening, yeah. Helga gasped in

fluent English with the hint of yank. Hint of yank? Oh, someone got it wrong. God, here we go. I'm really sorry, but I have to give you this bad news. Now she's Siri. Helga squeezed Belinda's tits against her head. So Helga's downstairs and like smashing Belinda's boobs on her head.

I think that's like middle level actually. Yeah, I'd say floor two. Helga squeezed Belinda's tits against her head, creating a breastface sandwich. A breastface sandwich! That is my favourite sandwich at Subway. I'll have the breastface sandwich, thank you. No gherkins. So yeah, she's got the two breasts

that are kind of pushed against. Oh no, I can imagine it, but it's actually really making me want a sandwich. A breastface sandwich. Well, I mean, that's not my go-to, but so what is that on the Italian meat one? That's on hearty Italian. With the southwest sauce.

Are we putting that in the cookery? Southwest sauce! There's definitely a southwest sauce going on there oh she continued her sexual advance with aplomb in fact she was unstoppable i thought she just stopped she's not unstoppable she literally just stopped dead unstoppable literally in the midst of stopping in fact she was unstoppable woman and machine combined into the most potent adversary what is she she's ai she's full ai she's not a robot belinda had ever encountered ex machina that's what she is what does that mean woman and machine what was the tongue licking machine called licking utensil licking utensil but maybe it's automatic maybe she's got like

if you imagine one of those hand whisks but but maybe that with like a tongue on the end. So maybe she is part machine. I think it's just like she's got the kind of efficiency of a machine. Of a robot. Oh yeah, sexy. I don't think she's a droid. Oh right. Belinda sucked in all the air.

Oh. Killing everybody around her. Helga stopped again. It is really important that you can't tell a soul. I'm sorry. I can't help that you can't tell a soul. I'm sorry. I can't help you with that inquiry. Oh God. The weather in Jakarta is 23 degrees.

No. I don't understand the question. Ask again later. I'm sorry. I don't seem to have the data to support that inquiry. It's really important that you can't tell a soul. Not a man. Not a woman. Yes, a soul. Not even your. Not a woman. Yes, a soul. Not even your pet parrot. Dead.

How does she know about the pet parrot? She's Siri. She knows everything. Oh, yeah, fair point. Belinda couldn't believe her ears. How did Helga know about Chi-Chi? There we go. Chi-Chi!

Chi-Chi the parrot! Chi-Chi is James's word for diarrhea. Chi-Chi the dead parrot. ChiChi is James' word for diarrhoea. Chi-Chi the dead parrot. Chi-Chi is our word for diarrhoea. Yeah, Chi-Chi, generally pronounced. You've got the Chi-Chis? Yeah. God, it's going to take on a whole new meaning now.

Chi-Chi the parrot. How did Helga know about Chi-Chi? It made no sense. Helga whisked Belinda's clit with her right-handed forefinger. Which is a whisk, I presume, then. She is a machine. Whisked it? I think that she's got a whisk attachment.

She's made it into a meringue. Don't over-whisk it, though. It'll get very, very tough, and then there's no way that you'll get proper meringues. Really? I cannot stress that enough. Do not over-whisk your clit. Do not over-whisk your clit.

Belinda swooned and lost all feeling between her calves and toes. Well you would. Someone's whisking your under region. Under region? Lower region?

Where have you put it? Basement car park? Where did you decide it was? She collapsed but Helga mercifully managed to catch her just before her head

hit the pink ceramic toilet cistern. Oh God. Oh it's a pink sweet. Mmm. Oh nice. That's actually quite in now. Can we not talk about the fact that Belinda's just fainted with pleasure?

You're bothered about the fucking decor. Helga spoke directly into Belinda. Into her. Into her vagina. You're the only one I can trust with this information. Just tell us what it is. Don't tell you parrot. Don't tell the next one able we know. Do you get it? Yes.

Tell me you get it. We get it. We get it. But Belinda didn't get it. No, she did. Helga, once more, up the sexual pressure cooker of lust. What's she making?

A stew? I've seen a sexual pressure cooker of lust in John Lewis. Have you? They're very expensive. Lovely finish. At long last, both girls could no longer deny the nature, and they orgasmed in a series of ear-splitting screams, which must

have reached the boogieing next door. The bop. The bop. The jive. Right, listen carefully, Helga panted Looking around The locked Empty cubicle For nosy parkers Are they a couple? The nosy parkers are here And they'd like to give you their best? Helga pushed the chrome handle down Causing the rhapsodic flush To fill the room

With a loud tinkling water noise Oh she's using it to like Block out what she's about to say Oh mask it Helga Said Something But Belinda didn't catch it Oh for water noise. Oh, she's using it to like block out what she's about to say. Oh, mask it. Helga said something, but Belinda didn't catch it.

Oh, for f... Sorry, the toilet was flushing. What was that? Are you shitting me? The flush was too loud. Oh my god, no flush is too loud to hear somebody talking right next to you. For her sensitive little ears. No. Belinda shook her head whilst Helga fumed.

What if she's telling her who the special one is? Ah, Gad. It's spelled G-A-D. Oh, okay. Gad. Ah, Gad. Listen. Where the fuck is she from?

I would absolutely reboot this home assistant. I'm FBI. Whispered Helga. Belinda blinked. What the fuck? Why is she FBI? Oh my God. What do you mean FBI?

Belinda stopped in mid motion. What motion is mean FBI? Belinda stopped in mid motion. What motion is she in? She was stopped. They were listening. She's doing the locomotion. It's just started in the disco. Because she's at a wedding. She'd heard the boogieing next door.

She's doing a one person conga line. Had she understood correctly? She knew Helga wasn't the best English speaker in Holland, but FBI? Was she doing it like the YMCA at a wedding? Because actually she could have translated it on the dance floor and nobody would have known. I'm FBI.

Everyone's like, God, Helga's so shit at YMCA. But she's actually like, watch me carefully. I'm going to tell you everything you need to know. I just, I always thought that the FBI had bigger fish to fry than actual frying pans. Helga made a strange burbling noise. As Belinda found her clit with her tongue. Don't you want to know what she's talking about?

FBI or not, Belinda would do S, P and P justice when it came to a sexual interrogation. SPNP. Oh, Steals, Pots and Pounds. Steals, Pots and Pounds. You don't have to start a friend. Once you hear the term FBI, you don't have to start abbreviating everything else. TTNV. Tits, Tush and Vagina.

Should we be doing everything as acronyms now? Belinda, stop. Stop. I'm serious. Oh, wow. She's really embraced being American now that she said she's in the FBI. Listen to me and listen good. I've only got a few minutes left here.

Why? Battery's running out. Before the good doctor misses me, Helga passed on her information. An American citizen of Dutch extract, she'd moved back to Holland five years ago. Let her tell us. Don't you tell us, Rocky. Let her tell us. Don't you tell us, Rocky. Let her tell us. With a primary mission of protecting American corporations

from Russian industrial espionage activities. She'd been working for the FBI Amsterdam offices all that time and her deep cover was her day job with Dr. Robbins. What on earth? What a waste of fucking resources yeah very deep cover so much so that she's deeply covered in fabric at all times and in a cupboard and in a cupboard she's literally in a cupboard she's in the closet she's in a closet she took deep cover really seriously and really literally take deep cover so she's actually tunneled into the fabric of the building.

She's hidden under loads of file of faxes. Can you imagine when they handed her her file about her next mission? She was like a cupboard. Hang on. Also, isn't the FBI for domestic stuff in America? It's the CIA who's the... International agency. Yeah. Hang on.

So she's an FBI agent in the FBI Amsterdam office, which we can't confirm is real or not. Which I don't think they have one. You're right, it's federal FBI agent in the FBI Amsterdam office, which we can't confirm is real or not. Which I don't think they have one. You're right, it's federal FBI. Yeah. And the whole thing of her being with Dr. Robbins is a total cover. That's a cover. For her investigation into what we don't know.

I'm sorry, Belinda. I didn't want to get you involved, but I found some information concerning Steele's pots and pans. Oh. An FBI agent would not share their findings with some random civilian just because she works in pots and pans. Oh. An FBI agent would not share their findings with some random civilian just because she works in pots and pans. You're the only one I trust.

You've all been compromised. The blueprints and manufacturing plans for your new range of Tri-Oxy-Brillo products are under threat. Oh my God. There is a mole in your company. I'm so sorry, but that's all I know. Oh my God. There is a mole in your company. I'm so sorry, but that's all I know. Oh my God.

This message will self-destruct in five, four, three, two, one. Alice, can you get involved with the story here, please? We've finally got some. I don't really understand. Belinda blinked. Oh my God. Well, obviously it's a big deal because you're really stressed. You're tearing your hair out. So Belinda now knows it's a big deal because you're really stressed you're tearing your

hair out so belinda now knows there's a special one she still might be the special one and now she knows that people are on to her she could try and cover it up so helga might have blown her progress in the operation by saying to belinda that she knows it i mean yeah we don't really know what helga's operation is but yes so now Belinda's either is the special one has got to cover up or is going to try and figure out who the fucking special one and won't trust anybody. So Belinda blinked. A mole in steel's pots and pans.

What was she to do? Get it checked. Has it increased in size? If it's just appeared, then it's probably cancerous. Who on ever in this world could it be? Who on ever in this world could it ever be is exactly what I was thinking. Who on ever on this world could it be? Giselle?

Impossible. No. Bella? Impossible. Jim Thompson? Not in a month of Tuesdays. Jim Thompson? Who?

One thing was for certain. not in a month of Tuesdays Jim Thompson who? one thing was for certain Steel's pots and pans was not going to fall on her watch and that is the end of the chapter oh my god

why is it a drama now? I love it. I'm so in. So does that rule Belinda out as the special one? I don't think it does. I don't know. Well, no, it doesn't, does it? She didn't seem that surprised, did she?

Well, no, but she was saying that Steel's pots and pans wasn't going to fall on her watch. Oh, that's true. Oh, okay. So yeah, if we're kind of in her head, then should we rule Belinda out? I don't know though. I don't understand what the whole point is.

I know you're really excited, but I'm finding it really hard to find what the whole point is. It's really hard to talk to you when you've got no grasp of the plot. No, honestly, I don't understand why the FBI would care. Well, no, the FBI wouldn't care. I mean, that's obviously ridiculous. But in Rocky's head, he's like, who does investigating for things? All he can think of is the FBI. Who's bigger than the police? Exactly.

It's really become a Bond novel now. You've got FBI agents, spies. You always said that he would go down that route. Yeah, well, this is what I thought he was writing. Precisely. Brilliant. I personally really like a thriller. Oh.

So I am quite excited that potentially this tension will ramp up. So what's the next chapter called? The next chapter is called Zachariah's Magic Wand. What the fuck? No, it's not. It is. Oh, Rocky, I could kiss you. Honestly.

You lunatic. Beautiful idiot. You beautiful psychopath. I mean mean this is gonna throw the conversation wide open who is what

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