My Dad Wrote A Porno - S4E4 - 'Zachariah's Magic Wand'

Episode Date: September 17, 2018

Belinda is back in Central London, as she spends a wild night out with the aristocracy... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome back to My Dad Wrote a Porno. Alice, how are you? Well, thank you. Good. James, how are you? Well, thank you. Good. James, how are you? Great.

Brilliant. What's a great start? Sorry to start with such a difficult question. Sorry, I don't know what happened there. No. I think I've got a bit of that beef I just cooked stuck in my throat. It was very delicious. It was tender, tender as.

First time I've ever cooked for you, or in recent memory anyway. And thank you to HelloFresh. This was pure James Cooper. Oh yeah, this was entirely entirely me and that's probably why it was more watery yeah what is your what is your recipe for the water the beef water that you just made it was very flavorsome water it was oh very flavorsome very thin very flavorsome alice you can find the recipe on my blog i don't have a blog i don't have a recipe um as you can probably tell so just recap us where were we at FBI fucking hell that's literally

just hit me like a bus for the first time fucking Helga fucking Helga's mayonnaise so yeah Helga revealed that she was doing an investigation

more broadly into pots and pans but specifically in Amsterdam yeah into the underworld into the underworld I can't really remember

or care was something about taxes I think Helga was working on some sort of big case in Amsterdam non-specified big case yeah but about russia so i don't know why she was in amsterdam but um she i think got a tip whilst going through her lines of inquiry into steels pots and pans because as we know hair bish is trying to steal the blueprints of the tri-oxy-brillo range. The question is, did Rocky plan this from the beginning

or was it something he decided literally as he was writing it down? James, I feel like you've given yourself the answer you're looking for there. The biggest question is, why would Helga choose Belinda to confide in? Are they in the toilets? Yes. Well, strange things happen in ladies' toilets, like as in those kind of candid chats. It's the only place they really occur.

Oh my God, what if there's one of those soap attendants in the in by the sinks and like listening in what's selling chubba chops chubba chops oh yeah and they've always got a huge selection of knockoff aftershave yeah all the colognes and they've got those phrases no spray no lay yeah is that what they say yeah no spray no lay no stink no pink is this what they've said to you before? Because that one doesn't really apply. Yeah, what if one was listening in and heard the whole conversation? Not very discreet.

And who here remembers the next chapter title? Oh, um, ah, yes. It was something about a wand? It was, yes. Someone's, Eugene's magic wand or something. Eugene! Who's Eugene? Zachariah's magic wand. Oh eugene who's eugene zachariah's magic oh my god magic wand you would think is a euphemism for something that might have been constructed in

the amazon basin oh i thought we were literally going to a children's magic show actually that sounds a bit more plausible both options are definitely on the table let's rule nothing out i'm so distracted by the notepad on James's fridge, which says, fuck off, you stupid talking cat. Who's that to? So when I first moved into this flat, it would get to the kind of the middle of the night and I'd just hear this cat in the garden.

I'm not joking. It went, hello. Lies. I'm not. I'm literally not joking. Used to come in every night And say hello Come in?

No come into the garden Oh right And say hello And I told someone about it And they wrote it on my fridge But I thought you'd written it in protest Hoping that it would see you

When it came in the night I assume that it's died now though Because it stopped doing it I haven't heard it for a while It died of sadness Because you didn't say hello back I didn't give them a wave Do another

One more hello Hello Did it say it in that tone? Literally pronounce the L's Hello Hello because you didn't say hello back. I didn't give him a wave. Do another, one more hello. Hello. Did it say it in that tone? Literally pronounce the L's. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Do you really think it was a cat? No, I saw him. And then the other thing was like... Tim, how do you know? I'd lift up the blind to see him say hello and he'd just stop talking. And I'd be like, you crafty little bastard. You know I could get a viral clip out of this. You won't be filmed.

That's his IP. Okay. Belinda blinked for chapter four. What a coincidence. Zachariah's magic wand. Oh, thank God.

What? The wedding is over. Yes, I was done. It was a long wedding. It's one of those weddings that starts at 12 in the afternoon and you're there all fucking day. And you've been drinking. And there's a period where nothing really happens for like two hours. Belinda strutted into the central London Ritz cocktail bar

all braless tits and swing. Literally, does he only know five locations in London? I think so. None of them are real. Are there many branches of the Ritz? But this is the central London one. This is the central London one, not to be confused with the Green Park one.

Sure. So all what? All braless tits and swing. Is that a genre of music? I don't know. Is that rhythm and blues? Braless tits and swing is that a genre of music i don't know is that rhythm and blues braless tits and swing she could do a catwalk could belinda she's got a good strut on her hasn't she fucking hell i think she's too booby to be a catwalk model though what do you think knock someone's eye out well not so much the health and safety implications more just the uh quite androgynous aren't they catwalk models she Models? She's not high-end. She's ever so curvy. She's more girl next door.

Okay. She's not haute couture, is she? No, yeah. She's Primark at best. Matalan. There's some nice stuff in Matalan, actually, so. Belinda strutted into the central London Ritz cocktail bar, all braless tits and swing.

She marched up to a waiter and whispered, I am Belinda Blumenthal. You may never have heard of me, of Steele's pots and pans. Which you also won't have heard of. And I'm here for a top secret meeting with the one, the only, the incredibly sexy Duchess of Epsom. Oh, the Duchess. Okay. Is this the first Duchess citing this book? Yes. The lesser spotted Duchess. Okay. Is this the first Duchess citing this book? Yes.

The lesser spotted Duchess. Yeah. Wouldn't he be like, amazing. I don't know what you're talking about. Go to reception. It's why we have someone on the door on bookings. Why would he be able to help? Well, the waiter looked at her with some discomfort.

Yeah. Nor speaking English, madman. Madman. She is a madman. Mad man. He really summed her up in just one fell swoop, didn't he? Mad mam? Mad mam.

She's a mad mam. No speaking English, mad mam. Belinda Grimmist. Oh, God. Can I speak with your manager, please? Oh, my God. He's not going to understand that, is he? Go to reception.

The poor waiter gestured across the restaurant to his boss, who was seating people at their table and said, one minute, plis. Plis. Plis. Spell that, please. P-L-I-S-S. Plis.

One minute, plis. Where's everyone from? What, you think Spanish? Yeah, I'm imagining. We're in Fawlty Towers now. Yeah, okay, fine. Yeah. It was actually about seven and a half minutes before the restaurant manager what was he doing i would have asked again in that time i wouldn't have just waited like seven and a half minutes it seemed the

couple were being difficult if not downright demanding the couple that he was already seeing too yes oh sure yeah i do love that though when there's a difficult customer next to you and you get to ease off on it yeah but i myself i hate complaining like i will do anything to avoid we complained recently for you didn't we we did yeah jamie jamie ordered um what was it grilled tiger prawns on a bed of beautiful cos lettuce beautiful i'm sure it is a beautiful cos lettuce it was the smallest defrosted prawns. It was like, you know, the prawns that you get from a prawn and mayo sandwich. Oh, I do. Rinsed through.

What, mayo rinsed off? Yeah, and then impaled on a rather thick skewer. The skewer was thicker than the prawns. Yeah. It doesn't bear thinking about. The cos lettuce was, it died like 10 years ago. It was deader than that cat. But to be fair, it was grilled because they were a little bit lukewarm oh well that lukewarm is a bit scary

on something wait so what form did your complaint take well jamie wouldn't complain i just felt awkward i was yeah i just don't like making a fuss well just they were like how much was like nine or something there was 7.95 jamie i remember it like it was yesterday james remembers loss of money more clearly than any other slight so i took it up to the woman i said i'm so sorry i hate complaining but have you seen this she's in state of it and like i showed her the description in the menu i mean tiger prawns did you show her a tiger prawn on your phone a picture of one i was hoping that would be assumed knowledge on her part. And I got his £7.95 back. Not only that, she gave me eight quid instead of £7.95,

so I made fivep out of it. So it pays to complain. It does. I did it in that instance, and I feel like that was a real win for consumer rights. Yeah, James, you'll definitely be on placards and murals for the country over. The new presenter of Watchdog, ladies and gentlemen.

You'd be great on a consumer reviews programme. My apologies, madam, for keeping you waiting. Sorry, where's he from now? I thought he was Spanish. No, this is the manager, mate. Yeah, but he said plis. No, that was the waiter. Oh, God, I'm so lost. I'm so lost. What? But one moment, plis. And then that was the manager saying one moment, plis. No, I think that must have been the waiter then. Yeah.

My apologies, madam, for keeping you waiting. It's actual Dick Van Dyke. Oh, my God, yeah. Total cockney. Chim, chimney. Cheroo. This feels like a good one for Jamie. This feels like one he's comfortable with. Yeah, we've had a cockney before.

I'm not sure we have, Alice. Oh, my God. You've really fallen on good luck, haven't you? My apologies, madam, for keeping you waiting. But the Duchess of Epsom is quite particular. Was it the Duchess complaining? Oh, fucking hell. With who?

With who? Has their eggs fallen out again? Sorry, the Ritz, you'd be really discreet. Some random woman walks up, you're not going to go, oh sorry, the Duchess is really particular. He doesn't know who she is from Adam. Exactly. Adame. Adame. He looked up at Belinda for the first time

and quickly did a retake. Oh God, who is it? Belinda blinked. Sam? Oh, Sam! The youngish man? No! Oh my God.

Sam? The youngish man on reception at the horse and jockey? Is it you? He's had a promotion! This book is such a best of, this book is such a best of. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. We've established characters in the first three, so why bother in the next one? La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. You didn't want to see them again, yeah.

You didn't want to see them again, yeah. But you're going to, yeah. You're going to, yeah. Oh, my God. The youngish man's back, and he's got a job at the... He's the... Sorry. He's the manager of the Ritz.

It does seem like the natural progression from the horse... From a regional pub where you were doing a Saturday job. From a B&B where you were so shit they put you on the night shift. And we couldn't work out what age he was, could we? Wasn't he like 18? Well, he was youngish. Who knows? He's the youngest manager of anything ever.

How quickly has that promotion happened? I mean, it must be at least three weeks. Yeah, three to six weeks, yeah. He must have known he was on to this next gig. Oh my God, he's genius. Belinda Blumenthal, horsey outfit with the stunning tits. Can it be true? Very natural dialogue. He's very good at the natural dialogue.

Is this guy non-English speaking as well? Please. They both laughed and Sam kissed Belinda on both cheeks. Very professionally. Oh, God. Which cheeks? Amen, sister. How can I assist you, madam?

You won't believe this. But I'm actually here to see the Duchess alone. Oh. Sam escorted Belinda see the Duchess. Alone. Oh. Sam escorted Belinda to the Duchess's table, and there she waited to be spoken to. Belinda! exclaimed the Duchess, quickly putting away her reading glasses and looking up.

Doing so much in one go. How thoroughly wonderful to see you. Have you met? Belinda gasped. Oh God, who's this? Fucking Bill from HR probably. Oh, I would lose my mind. Belinda gasped at the woman next to the Duchess.

Okay, okay, bets on the table. Okay, right. Who could it possibly not be? It seems ludicrous okay Belinda's mother Belinda's mother no it's got to be a character who's

already been introduced maybe at that dinner at the Duchess's oh Ciara Ciara we saw quite recently Tara Gold Tara Gold

maybe who else was there but that was it wasn't it James is literally holding me back from giving an answer get your hand off me Bella

oh god what she's become friends with Bella. They don't really seem like the right match. They don't mix. No. What about, I don't know, like Tony's sister or something? I think it's going to be totally random.

Oh God, it's bloody Maeve, isn't it? Oh, what about one of the Shrine Tigers? Oh, the special one. Oh. What, wearing a t-shirt that says special one? How would she know? Trenchcoat and heels. Belinda gasped

at the woman next to the Duchess it was the Contessa Lucia Lorenzo Aldo Fellini's partner at the charity

fuck session she and Alphonse Sturbacher had attended a week or so ago in Brussels I literally don't remember Aldo Fellini

from the fuck session who's a zilly remember Aldo Fellini from the fuck session. Who's Zilli... What? Aldo Fellini. Yeah, I think he gave her his business card. From his butt fucks or something. Which fuck session again? Charity one.

Where they gave their clothes away to charity by accident. Oh, brilliant. Avance. Yeah, but I don't remember him. He was there, I think. So this is what? His wife? And partner.

Partner. The Contessa Lucia Lorenzo. Oh, her. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lucia Lorenzo.zo yeah we've got a contessa a contessa brilliant i don't even really know what that is i think it's italian royalty oh wonderful good to see you again chica the contessa kissed belinda sexily you too

burbled belinda immediately ditching her previous plan. Which we don't know about, so... It makes no odds to us. The reader is not privy to. Come, sit, eat. They have a phenomenal reputation for their garlic-smeared steak. Smeared in garlic? Oh, God.

For their garlic-puked-up steak. I thought you were going to say their garlic bread. That's the Ritz, come on. The evening flew by. And truth be told, Belinda was glad of the distraction from her newish company worries. Right, it's time for a ladies' night out. The Duchess sparkled. Aren't they out already?

This is about as out as I go, having dinner out. The steep, dark steps down to the underground tavern that was known as buckley's known as or just called was not the best place for high heels and belinda had her hands full keeping lucia and the duchess on their feet oh my god is belinda at the front like holding them up maybe or just like helping them with a hand you know daintily i wouldn't have thought an underground tavern was the place for a duchess and a countess. I would have thought they'd go somewhere a bit more speakeasy. A bit more ground level, apart from anything else.

Yeah, just a bit more... A bit more easy access. More elderly accessible, yeah. Yeah, they are upstairs people, don't ever go downstairs. Buckley's was rough, brash, sassy and down to earth. That sounds like a description of Belinda. Motown music was blaring throughout the old brick vaults. Ooh.

Sounds quite cool. Yeah, I want to go here. Do you remember that place that we used to go to in Leeds? Hi-Fi. Yeah. It sounds a bit like that. Where is this Buckley's? Do you want to go?

Yeah. I'm presuming just around the corner from the Ritz. I'm presuming it doesn't exist. Although Rocky must have been somewhere similar in his youth. Yeah. It was the sort of place to meet a bloke And get down to the sex You know the sort of place

Find a bloke, get down to the sex Meet a little bloke Get down to the sex Get down to the sex The Duchess whipped out her checkbook And paid the tab in advance. I'm sorry, how? You don't know what you're going to have.

Especially in a cheque book. It's not like you're putting your card behind the bar. You have to write a specific amount. Or maybe she just signed it. Blank cheques style. Oh, okay. Loved that. I imagine she has several savings accounts, though.

Yeah. I don't imagine she's holding a lot in the current account. Yeah. The Duchess whipped out... Who uses a cheque book? The Duchess... Well, you say that, but royalty don't carry cash, do they? Oh. A coot's cheque book. Oh, that's out... Who uses a cheque book? The Duchess... Well, you say that, but royalty don't carry cash,

do they? Oh, a coot's cheque book. Oh, that's the posh one, isn't it? The posh bank. But do they not have, like, a contactless card? I don't know.

Do you think the Queen carries a contactless card? No. I strongly doubt it. I doubt you see the Queen in Buckleys if I'm quiet. That's a contest with a Duchess.

The Duchess whipped out her cheque book and paid the tab in advance before slinking off on the arm of a muscle boy bodybuilder with a tiny pea head. I'm sorry, what? She's gone. She's off. A muscle boy bodybuilder.

Muscle boy bodybuilder. With a tiny pea head. With a tiny pea head. I know what he means, though, because when they take all the roids and stuff, you know when they're like slightly dodgy bodybuilders that take steroids, you do get a pea head. But your head literally shrinks. No, I think it's in comparison to your now rather inflamed body.

Tiny dicks as well, I've heard. Oh, what? Tiny peens. Oh, really? What come with a pee head? You know what they say about people with a pee head? Pee penis. Pee penis.

So the Duchess has pulled and fucked off. Yeah. Meet back here at one. Right here. She iterated over her left shoulder. Cheeky bitch. We're going out together for a girls' night. I know.

And you've ditched me immediately. Ladies' night out is what she said. That's really bad form, actually. But at least she's not on her own. At least she's with the Contessa. But isn't that just bad etiquette? If you've said you're going to go on a girls' night or a boys' night and then you just immediately go off with somebody.

Yeah, it should be a bit more like bros before hoes. Or hoes before bros. Aren't you joining us, my lady? Belinda stupidly asked. No, I don't feel like Zachariah's magic wand tonight. What? Wait, so Belinda was thinking

what we were thinking. Like, why aren't you sticking around? So does that mean the Duchess has arranged something for the Contessa and for Belinda? And that's a man, I presume, called Zachariah who's got a massive schlong so Buckley's is like a male strip bar but that's what it sounds like it sounds

like some muscle man has just swept in you know Chippendale style and gone come with me you know like a stripper would do yeah oh but you know I mean like they haven't spoken or anything have they unless she's a regular so she's always with Martin or whatever Martin with the pea head Martin with the pea head like Becky with the good. The two ladies were shocked as they were firmly escorted through a fake boulder wall. What is this? Like a Neanderthal themed bar? Because I thought it was all old vaults. I thought it was like Victorian vibes.

Then a curtain. Oh, it's the classic double security of a boulder and a curtain. Yeah. And into what could only be described as a Middle Eastern palace. Oh, for God's sake. This is a lot of themes in one bar, but it's not a no from me. You've gone almost through time, haven't you?

Stone Age to Curtain Age, whatever that is. To Middle Eastern Age. Belinda was half annoyed. Half annoyed. I'm always half annoyed actually That's a great way of explaining my mood Belinda was half annoyed At such a sudden change in scene

As she had been very much enjoying Martha Reeves and the Vandellas Oh well yes Very good Very good act Yeah well you can't hear it through the boulder Nevertheless Belinda and Lucia

Reclined on the sumptuous collection Of puffy cushions. Puffy? Rude. Isn't that a slur? Yeah, that's a hate crime. I feel slighted. I've been victimised.

Onto the sumptuous collection of puffy cushions, hassocks and carpet. What? What's a hassock, please? A hassock? Um... I don't know. Oh, good.

I'm glad I'm not the only one. Is it like a sack Or like a robe I thought a hassock was a What's the robe That's a cassock isn't it A clerical thing Yeah A hammock

Oh yes I've just googled it It's a cushion for kneeling on In church while at prayer Oh sure Right Or maybe it means Meaning number two

A firm clump of grass Or matted vegetation In marshy or boggy ground That'll be what it is For sure It's It's Rocky Flintstone, for God's sake. B, for definite. If you like a hassock, you might also like a tuffet. This place is bursting at the seams for tuffets. Isn't that what Miss Muppets sat on?

Yeah, Miss Muppets tuffet. She couldn't find a hassock. Nevertheless, Belinda and Lucia reclined on the sumptuous collection of puffy cushions, hassocks and carpet. Some had exquisite gold trim. Some did not. It's just varied different types of hassocks. They can't all have gold trim, can they?

That would be excessive and indulgent. Some had beautifully embroidered designs let me guess let me guess some did not some were plain some were made of velvet i feel like i know where this is going all together now some were not some were just cotton were made of hessian oh there you go you see hessian the scratchiest of fabrics why would you make some out of velvet

some out of hessian because it'd be like the softest and comfiest the roughest and scariest oh is that what hessian is it's just really it's just like sack material yeah it's horrible

it's what you get like coffee beans yeah lovely what a boudoir I wonder who their middle eastern supplier is.

It's just Middle Eastern themed. It doesn't mean it's all Middle Eastern. Belinda thought. They could no doubt use a quality cookware specialist to help with all their cooking. Oh my God. The way that they find new business is absolutely batshit. Oh, this is a lovely table. The person who made it must have needed to eat at some point.

We'll sell them a pan. What? What are you on about? Just then, Zachariah strode into the secret drinking arena. Arena. 20,000 seats. Small pyrotechnics exploded. Oh, Jesus wept.

No, they didn't. Got a shit little fire, Jesus wept. No, they didn't. Got a shit little firework in the corner. Small pyrotechnics exploded with a puff. With one of the puffs. Oh, no, sorry. The puff puffed. It was a puffy kind of puff. And from under the cushions, carbon monoxide vapours.

Oh, bloody hell. Carbon monoxide. We're going to die. No, don't do that. I'll be out for the count. The Duchess. What? Has lured them in.

And has tried to kill them. Oh my God, she's a special one. Is she? Do you think he means carbon dioxide? I think he means dioxide, yeah. A low level of anthrax was released into the room. But even then, what's carbon dioxide vapour? Is that like a smoke machine?

I mean, you just breathe out carbon dioxide, don't you? Yes, it kind of doesn't really need a mention. Everyone, what's carbon dioxide vapour? Is that what, like a smoke machine? I mean, you just breathe out carbon dioxide, don't you? Yes, it kind of doesn't really need a mention. Everyone's giving off carbon dioxide vapours.

Yeah. What, so it's just bad breath? It's just halitosis in a poof. So, and from under the cushions, carbon monoxide,

I think you just say carbon dioxide, vapours slowly rose to the ceiling. The flamboyant nightclub owner bowed and sat next to the contessa. Oh, so it's his club. It's his club.

It's his magic wand. Do you think it's going to be his penis? I mean... In porn, do people use that word wand? Not overly, though. No, I've never seen someone say, oh, like, suck on my wand. What would happen if you searched for wand on a porn site, do you think? Let's not do that, then. Okay, fine. But what's the Harry Potter one that's like a spin on Harryry potter but it's pornographic expelliainous oh

very good expelliainous very nice the flamboyant nightclub owner bowed and sat next to the contessa good evening my creatures of the puff what does that mean zachariah cackled as he retrieved a long thin oh god cigar from the huge sleeves of his scintillating robes is he dressed like a wizard i think he might might be, yeah. Maybe there's one, you know, those cigar holders where you put the, like, Cruella de Vil style. It's not usually a cigar. You don't really get a long, I mean, a cigar is long and thin, but you don't usually get one that's longer and thinner. Well, some of them are quite short and stubby, actually. You can have a range.

Well, because it depends what you're comparing it to. It is like penises. I trust you know what this is. A cigar? A cigar, yeah. The women shook their heads and raptured. What, you've never seen a cigar? They've seen a cigar.

Why? It is the Tamarix flute. What? It's the Tamarix flute? I really want a Tamarix flute. Actually, I shouldn't say that until I know what it is. Hang on, I'm going to Google it. want a tamarix flute actually i shouldn't say that till i know what it is hang on i'm gonna google it uh tamarix is composed of about 50 to 60 species of flowering plants oh native to dry areas of

eurasia and africa uranus and africa and what is it what's it used for well they're evergreen or deciduous shrubs alice or trees going to 1 to 18 meters in height and forming dense thickets i'm really surprised he hasn't put that detail in. Also, or used the word thicket in this book. Should I just Google Tamarix flute just to be on the same side? Have you heard of a Google whack where there's one result for a search term? Right. There's not even that. So I don't know what, like, it's just not coming up on Google.

We just completed Google. The combination of Tamarix and flute has never happened. He's nothing if not original, guys. Belinda blinked. Of course she did. Oh my God, of course she did. It could not be so. Belinda had heard the myths.

The tamarix flute was destroyed 150 years ago. This cannot be it. The curse will be broken. God, it really is like Harry Potter and the tamarix flute. Oh my God, it sounds like a real one. It could not be it. The curse will be broken. God, it really is like Harry Potter and the Tamarix Flute. Oh my God, it sounds like a real one. It could not be so. Belinda had heard the myths, but she wasn't dumb. We'll put a pin in that. To be continued.

A potent yet totally safe drug. A legal high. A potent yet totally safe drug intoxication that stimulated in ways even the imagination could not envisage it. Oh, wow. That's a lot to take in. Rocky's never taken drugs, has he? He hasn't. He's very anti-drug.

Since he's called them a drug intoxication. Totally safe. Totally safe. That's a guarantee. So it's what? It's a kind of like shisha cum, like James says, legal high. Yeah safe. Totally safe. That's a guarantee. So it's what? It's a kind of like she-shook-hum like James says

legal high. Yeah, I think so. What's the Tamarix Flute, Alice? The Tamarix Flute. Are you an idiot? Indeed, this very famous cigar was so rare

it was rumoured not to exist at all. Oh, he covered himself there. Yeah, that's confusing. So sorry, she's heard the myths and the myths are that it doesn't exist.

Well, this very famous cigar is rumoured not to exist at all. Brilliant. Great marketing strategy there. Oh, what, like Atlantis? Now, madam, you simply must spread your legs for me. Zachariah had dragged Belinda's mind back to the here and now. From where? From whence it came.

They should stick together. They'll never stick together. Like, we need a buddy system. Just don't leave each other in this weird bar. Like, stay with your mind, everybody. I think the mind's listening to Martha Rees and the Vandellas. Oh, okay. Without hesitation, she whipped off her thong

and pulled her labial lids in two. They're kind of already in two. So did she split them into four? Yeah. How many lids are there? It's like splitting the atom. Zachariah lay on his torso and lit a ruby red match. What?

He laid on his front? Yeah. The flame was as green as Patrick O'Hamlin's homeland. Oh, we remember. Cos Irish. And made Belinda's innards look a little off in its light. A little off? What?

He's taken the match to her vagina. The pubes are going to go up in flames. Oh, God. Well, it makes her... The green light gave it a bit of a tinge. Why is it green? Why is her downstairs region on the turn? It's a green flame.

I think anything in a green light is not going to look at its best. Exactly. Yeah, it's not a very flattering light. No.

Theatrically. Belinda put it out. Oh my God, with a vag. With a poof or whatever Rocky would say. With a queef. Theatrically,

Zach, sorry, Zachariah lit the mystic cigar theatrically Zach sorry Zachariah lit the mystic cigar and slowly placed it into his saliva

creamed mouth saliva creamed what does that mean you know when you've woken up after you've fallen asleep drunk and you get the

corner mouth crust and the white sort of sticky do you think that's what it is I'm just relieved I thought he was going to place it

into her vagina I did too and she was going to smoke it they do that in some clubs have you seen those women who can like pop ping pong balls out of the vagina yeah but i'd be more impressed by blowing smoke circles i think yeah on the hierarchy yeah oh i'd pay for either don't get me wrong anyone can pop a ping pong ball out can they have this what is a golf ball ping pong ball he breathed in deeply thoroughly enjoying the smoky goodness rocky has never even smoked a cigarette is this really out of his comfort zone belinda shivered with excitement as he slid his mouth to her lids. Oh. Yeah. And filled her pussy with the hypnotic fumes. Oh my God. She's got smoke up her chimney.

Oh. That's a strange form of passive inhalation, isn't it? Talk about Dick Van Dyke. Oh my God. Get a chimney sweep up there. Chim, chimney, chimney. I've never heard of that. I mean, I haven't heard of a Tamarix flute, so.

I don't know if that's how the Tamarix flute works. Oh, is it taken in? Is it kind of like a vaginal bong? I don't know. Will he then inhale it from the vagina? Yeah, I don't know. Taking all ten of his fingers, Zachariah crimped her labia shut.

Crimped. Oh, like when you're making dumplings. Or like a pie. You just crimp the pastry. That's gross. So he's holding it in a bit like, wait, it's a hot box. It's literally a hot box. Oh my God. She's got a hot box.

Belinda's hot box. Zachariah crimped her labia shut so she could feel the magical smoke marinade. Disgusting, but also not convinced that she will feel that. That's surely not healthy. It's kind of dangerous. Well, it was really something. Was it? Yeah.

And Belinda's senses could feel it all. But she'd be buggered if she had to describe it at a later date. Well, she's kind of got to describe it now for the benefit of the reader. It's like Rocky's get out of jail free time. It totally is. Couldn't describe it to you now. It was an indescribable sensation. The end.

When Zachariah finally let go, Belinda twitched and jiggled on the spot in utter and complete utopia. She was in utopia. Yes. Right. She's travelled. Wonderful. She's from the Eastern Palace. She's now in utopia. She wasn't euphoric. She was in Utopia. Yes. Right. She's travelled. Wonderful. She's from the Eastern Palace. She's now in Utopia.

She wasn't euphoric. She was in Utopia. Brilliant. I'm just not... I mean, you know, I don't have a vagina, but I'm not convinced blowing a bit of smoke into a lady's nether regions would send you to Utopia. But I think it's because of this special flute,

the magic flute. It's because of the Tamarix flute. Is that where the phrase, blowing smoke up someone's arse comes from? I think it is. There's a variant on that. Is that what it means all this time? Yeah, Tamarix flute. Contessa Lucia was never one to be left out.

And she quickly turned 180 degrees, pushing her perfect rear end into the sky. Oh my God. They're literally going to blow smoke up her arse. Oh my God. Zachariah didn't need telling twice and inhaled the cigar like a cavalry trooper. Like an absolute bloody trooper.

He is a bloody trooper. Look at that. He's just inhaling that cigar. Cavalry or otherwise. You lost me right at the start of this chapter. Like any points of reference are long gone. I can't grasp them to anything in this chapter. Just try and crimp onto something.

Oh, God. Sensually, he pushed a long drag of smoke into her bottom hole. Am I crying? Am I laughing? I don't even know anymore bottom hole bottom hole I might be wrong

but you're going to have to give that a bit more help than the vagina I want to keep it in there well it's going to need a bit of a push isn't it yeah the muscles are stronger

aren't they down the bottom hole there's more of a seal there isn't there whereas you're just opening up the doors or the lids aren't you yeah

the vagina's a curtain the assholes are bouldering no asshole bottom hole oh yes of course sorry yes that phrase that no one says thank you clamping her ass shut for a couple of minutes clamping so kind of bringing the chips around couple of minutes is this for the marinating again? The Contessa too quickly began to get delirious as well. Is it instantaneous this high? Ga, ga goo. Ga, ga goo. She moaned in her thick accent.

Does Rocky think this is how you take drugs? No wonder he was always so anti them in my youth. He was like, don't bring that weed in the house. It's filthy. Cape, you're your bottom hole clean is that why he always made you wear like a long john before you went to da club she's delirious so it's hallucinogenic is it yes i think it must be belinda knew exactly what she meant because they're both high yeah so it's gonna be two high people talking to each other

which you know is just gonna to be completely deranged. Suddenly, there was no need for those expensive Italian language classes. She chuckled internally. So when she's high, she's fluent in Italian. But Gaga Goo's not Italian.

No, but she thinks she's speaking Italian and she's you know, like, she's having a trip so she's like, I'm fluent in Italian. In Nevada. But in reality, she's speaking Italian and she's, you know, like she's having a trip. She's convinced herself that she's fluent in Italian. But in reality, she's literally like. Speaking in tongues to each other. Yeah. But having a great time. Because apparently when people are high, they just go, Google Gaga.

Google Gaga. Lady Gaga. However, she was no time waster and she hopped onto her bent legs, scuttling like a hermit crab. Sorry, can we just imagine that for a second? Scuttling like a hermit crab over to her newest best friend. So over to the Contessa. Or is Zachariah her newest best friend? I think it's the Contessa.

Right. No, not for five minutes. New best friend. But I think they got to know each other pretty well in that time. But it wasn't anything to do with the bottom hole, was she? No, no, but she saw it happen. I mean if if i saw smoke being blowed into your bottom hole then that's like i knew you pretty well that's true you do become a best friend pretty you could literally say no one else in my life has seen that before but isn't it the job of

your friends to like tell you when you're having smoke blown up your ass i'm just gonna scuffle over to her and be like i'm trying to keep your feet on the ground you've quite literally just had smoke blown up your ass belinda's decapodic movement yep decapodic what does that mean like 10 legged deck 12 legged what is that decapodic decapodic never heard that well if it's a crab, you'd think, what have they got? They've got eight, haven't they? A decapod is... Oh, very good. A decapod is a crustacean. Oh.

That includes crayfish, crabs, lobsters, prawns and shrimp. There you go. You had a lovely skewer of decapods that day. Didn't I? What were they, char-grilled? Yeah, char-grilled decapods. Yeah, grilled, yeah. Belinda's decapodic movement was successful in pushing herself into the royal's tush.

The decapods pushed herself into the bottom hole. Into the bottom. The crabs herself into the royal's tush. The decapods pushed herself into the bottom hole. The crabs going into the bottom hole. Oh god. She's got crabs. Lucia opened up her bottom hole and allowed the zesty smoke to spiral into Belinda. What?

But she's already got a vagina full. But that's been released. She let that go. I think now she's like clamped onto the bottom. Oh my God, what on earth is going on? What is this human centipede? Why is this happening? The secondary sensation was so psychedelic that Belinda struggled to keep squatting on the Countess's rump.

This is not a thing, is it? Between genitals? It's not a thing. It's not even between genitals. No, it's between... It's between a genital and a bottom hole. Isn't that a film? A genital and a bottom hole. What is it? A gentleman and an officer? Officer and a gentleman. I knew I'd seen it somewhere. I don't think this is the plot though, is it? No, that's a very different film. Sorry.

So Luciana Pavarotti is, she's on the floor. Is she lying down? Belinda's gone in like doggy style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And clamped, and sort of like clamped her. Yeah, so Belinda's basically like docked like an airlock on a spaceship. Okay. And that's sealed now?

That's sealed the deal. Okay, fine. Her legs were buckling. Her clit was quivering as she was lost in the old mountain songs of Persia. No fucking comment. Belinda collapsed onto the Turkish cushions and multicoloured carpet's spent force. Contessa Lucia instantly pounced on top of her,

and they kissed and kissed. It was at this precise second that Zachariah twirled on the spot three, maybe three and a half times. When he came to a standstill, he was stark, ball-bag naked. So what? He's twirled and twirled, and he's taking all his clothes off in the meantime. He's ball-bag naked. He's ball-bag naked. So what? He's 12 to 12 and he's taking all his clothes off in the meantime. He's ball bag naked. Oh my god, and I bet his ball bags have got little

mirrors and jewels and beautiful threads. I imagine being quite saggy. Oh yeah, loose. You think he's got a vajazzle on his ball bag? They'll be themed as the room. They'll be velvet trimmed. Yeah, beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. He hungrily joined the women and they got down and messy

with each other's sexual accoutrements. I love it when he doesn't really know details. So if you say it in French, great again, you're off the hook. What are their accoutrements? Just their bits of their body? Yeah, bits and pieces. Pick a mix. Three different people.

Three different cultures equaled one jolly marvelous good time jolly and they fucked till the cows came home i don't know what the cows in there he doesn't even mean it metaphorically. Till the cow... They fucked till the cows came home. They fucked till the cows came home. Oh, my God. And that is the end...

So stupid. ...of the chapter. They fucked till the cows came home. They fucked till the cows came home. They fucked till the cows came home. What time is that exactly? Very, surely. 6pm, just after milking. Oh my God.

There'll be farmers listening to this furious. They'll be like, that is not when you fucked him. That is absolutely absurd. That is absurd, completely unnecessary, totally pointless and brilliant Rocky. AKA, brilliant Rocky. A.K.A. pure Rocky. Yeah, Rocky Flintstone to a T. That was somewhere I did not expect to go.

Or ever want to go back to. Buckley's is not as fun as we thought. I think I might seek out Buckley's and have a night out there. See what goes on. So dare we ask what the next chapter's called? The next chapter is called Turkey Sandwich. But that could be a reference to Zachariah. Maybe they've got the munchies now. There you go.

It's actually a perfect after-a-night-out snack, isn't it, really? A turkey sandwich? Yeah. Oh, my God. It's perfect once someone's farted smoke into your vagina. It's just what you crave. It's a great way to round off an evening. It's like sea air.

It really works up an appetite. Well, I'm already peckish, so I'm looking forward to that. Great. In the meantime, get in touch with us. Twitter at dadwrotaporno. Instagram, mydadrota. You can subscribe to us on the Acast app. And of course, if you want to be up to date with all of the happenings,

the best way to do that is to sign up to our mailing list, mydadrota.com. And we're on Facebook. And as always, you can email us at mydadrota.com. Have you ever smoked a tamarisk flute? Let us know. And we're on Facebook. And as always, you can email us at mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com. Have you ever smoked a tamarisk flute? Let us know. Have you just heard the myth that it doesn't exist? Either way.

I'm grateful that it doesn't exist, guys. I think that's a good thing. So we'll see you next week for chapter five. Yes, please.