My Dad Wrote A Porno - S4E5 - 'Turkey Sandwich?'

Episode Date: September 24, 2018

Belinda meets an old friend in new surroundings for her favourite snack before bedtime. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome back to My Dad Wrote a Porno. Alice Levine, you've got a cheeky little smile. How are you? It's nice to be here. Yes, it is. James. Hi.

Hi. A bit tired. Oh, you're jet-lagged, How are you? It's nice to be here. Yes, it is. James. Hi. Hi. A bit tired. Oh, you're jet-lagged, aren't you? Jet-lagged. Just been to Los Angeles. He's so jet-set. Do you know what they don't tell you about Los Angeles? Very hot. Ever so hot. So hot. Which means they don't tell you about what's famous for that very thing. Do I look tanned? Your legs look dark. I like putting myself next to Alice because anyone looks tan

next to Alice. Alright. I actually had a lovely patch of tan. It was a bruise right. I actually had a lovely patch of tan. It was a bruise, but I did have a lovely patch of tan on my thigh for a while then. Oh, yeah, when you fell off that bike. I know. I have been in the wars. Did you see her, Jamie? She was battered and bruised.

Yeah, I did. I wasn't present for the actual injury. No, James was. Do the maths. Was he helpful? No, he was like a hysterical girl. When I fell off the bike, I maybe had had a wine. I mean, nobody knows.

There was nobody to baptise me. And you can only handle one glass of wine. We know this is famous. We don't know the figures. But when I fell off, my skirt was over my head, wasn't it, James? My pants were being flashed to the whole of the town. I had to keep saying, like, just yelling that I was gay, just so people didn't think that anything funny was going on.

James thought that the townsfolk were coming to, like, accuse him of something rather than help me. Oh, some sort of misdemeanour. Yeah. And he kept being like, I'm her best friend. I'm gay. It's like, they don't need your life story. They're trying to get me an ambulance.

I'm her best friend. I'm gay. I'm jet lagged. I don't know what to do. You've not been well, have you, Jamie? I haven't actually. I've been a bit ill. I had some smoked salmon that resembled ham.

It was very dull in tone and tasted ever so fizzy. Fizzy? It had a slight fizz to it. You know, I shouldn't have eaten it really, but I was hungry. You're going a funny colour now you're talking about it again. You know when you think about something that's made you ill and you actually can't.

Yeah, you're making me a bit gippy. That's disgusting. You have a very delicate persuasion though, James. Oh, are you feeling better though? I am. And do you know what made me feel much better walking down here? What? I saw an exceptionally tall man walking a rabbit.

That's my area. With the lead and everything. Yeah, yeah, that's Dave. That's James' boyfriend. Oh, right, okay. And what's the rabbit called, Prey? Thumper. That's North London for you.

It's gone to the rabbits. It really has. The privilege oozes off it. Can you imagine? There'll be one day when we can't move from. But you're feeling better now? Much better. I mean, I might be sick once I start reading my dad's porn but that's true

there's nothing for the minute i'm okay uh alice how are you yeah she's just sat there waiting to be asked i know that flick of the hair fuck off i went for a swim in a pond today did you you know what just by looking at you she's ever said pongy isn't she i did actually lick my lips in an over enthusiastic mannerhusiastic manner earlier, and it was a bit Pond-y, yeah. Did the bottom have... Did it feel, like, slimy and a bit sludgy? Five metres deep, so I didn't make it to the bottom.

I quite like it when it's all sludgy, and God knows what it is, but... A heron landed very close to my head. A heron? Have you seen them? They're huge, aren't they? It's like a dinosaur. I was fucking petrified. And also, because you can't obviously touch the bottom, you have to just keep treading water.

So I was trying to do the most delicate treading of water. In case what? I just, well, I don't know what they prey on. What else is in there though? Well, somebody did say that they saw a fin appear. Fuck off. No, really. Shut up.

They saw a fin at the end by the reeds. So just a fish. It's a giant carp the size of this table. The size of this table? You should have caught it. Apparently, they're usually at the bottom. And when they're not well, they come to the top. These probably have some gippy salmon.

I bet he probably has. Some hammy salmon. I'm worried you're going to get legionnaires now or something. Which one's that? Is that the rat piss? It's like dirty water, I think. It kills you, basically. You're dead.

I don't think I've got that. I feel quite good. You don't look well. Do I not? Neither of you have noticed I've had all of my hair cut off. Oh, it's the same. It's not the same. It's a foot shorter.

You're not bald. It's not that radically different. Oh, sorry. I have to shave it for you to comment on it. I'll remember that when you've had yours trimmed at the sides.

He's shaved the back. Like, what more do I have to do to get something out of you two? Shaved the back? Feel it. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Very orange of the new too. Shaved the back? Feel it. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Very Orange is the New Black.

Very Sia. In fact, can it be more Sia? Yeah, just cover your entire head. That's great. Perfect. Looking awesome. Oh, whatever. Shall we move on?

Yeah. So, do you remember what happened in the last chapter? I do. You have no idea, do you, sweetheart? Yes, I do. There was some questionable drug taking. The pipe. The pipe.

The taramax. The taramix. Taramask flute. Taramask flute. Taram some questionable drug taking. The pipe! The pipe. The taramax, the taramix? Taramask flute, taramisk flute. Taramask a lot of flute. Yeah. The most frustrating thing is, he's now at a point where he's got like shit loads of plot and he just didn't give a shit. He just was like, I'm going to do a chapter on drugs.

Like nothing has actually happened yet. Not that, again, we say all the time, we're not surprised, but... But he's frittered away the set up that he's done. Any of the suspense, yeah. He's fritted away the setup any of the suspense he's done some of the legwork for himself and now he's just he's frittering it away and it makes me it makes me so sad she's just devastated just tell us who the special one is like i don't really care follow through yeah i've done the hard work, follow through. Why does he... Follow through. You've done the legwork, follow through.

Yeah. But what I mean is, he's created the climax bit. He's created the tension. Now follow through. Well, he might be about to follow through because we're at chapter five. Yeah. And do we remember what it was called? It had a ludicrous title.

I think I remember. Do you? Yeah. I don't think Alice does because it isn't that ludicrous. It's Turkey Sandwich. It's pretty ludicrous. We get Jamie a sick bucket. Ready?

I've never been more ready in my life and we should do this as quickly as possible because you look peaky. Okay. Belinda blinked four. Chapter five. Turkey sandwich? Belinda and Lucia.

Who? Lucia. Who's Lucia? She was with the pipe. Yes. She's the contessa. In the pipe place? Yes. Right, okay, sorry. In the pipe place. Why has English become James' third language? In the pipe. She's the contessa. In the pipe place? Yes. Right, okay, sorry. In the pipe place. Why has English become James' third language? In the pipe.

He was blowing smoke literally up her arse. Up her arse. And she's, I think she's Italian royalty. She's related to Aldo Fellini. Okay. Cool.

Belinda and Lucia got redressed as best they could. Do you think of it as getting redressed? I just think of it as getting redressed? I just think of it as getting dressed. Well, I guess if you've... When is it redressed and when is it just dressed? When you're doing it after some sort of sex

or you've taken, like, a dip in the pool or something like that. Yeah, I think it's about the time between the clothes being taken off and being put back on. And is it the same clothes? Yes. Or can you get redressed in a different outfit? I'd say you'd be getting redressed if it's the same clothes in a different location other than your home.

And it's been less than an hour. Okay. You can't get redressed in different clothes. Are you mad? Okay. Understood. Belinda and Lucia got redressed as best they could. The two girls pushed their way through the fake boulder wall to the bar and ordered a couple of desperados.

What is a desperado? It's a beer, isn't it? It's a beer spiked with tequila. Oh, is that what it is? I've never really known. How does your dad know that? That's quite a contemporary drink. I think Rocky's trying to get some sort of brand deal there.

I think he's trying to get a crate of desperados delivered to his house. I feel like that's like saying Bacardi Breezer, though. They're ever so sweet. They're a young person's beverage, aren't they? Oh, yeah. The kid's on every single corner of every single corner of every

single street in england oh my god did you when you're a kid do you ever have hooch no which was like a lemon a really sweet lemon alco pop oh no or smirnoff ice we did have those they were like an alcoholic lemonade weren't they super sweet my mum bought us um they came in a sort of like a pack like beer and bought us six once at christmas or something i think perhaps we weren't actually 16 so it's a little bit outrageous and um i think probably it was half a smirnoff ice each like by the time we divvied it up and we were like we are too silly do you remember schlur the grown-up soft drink oh yes remember that one that wasn't alcohol though was it that made you think you were drinking alcohol it was was like fizzy... No, it was like fizzy grape juice.

Yeah, fizzy grape juice. Oh, I assumed because it was a grown-up soft drink. Jamie's saying, the wild nights I've had on the slur. Tripping around the streets of Manchester with a bottle of slur. The things I've excused you to slur. My mum thought it was called schlop.

She'd always be like, oh, should we get some schlop? It was lovely, though. Did you say you were schlurred? Did you say you were absolutely schlurred last night? Oh I couldn't, I've got a schlur hangover Did you really feel different because of it? Mainly regret

No, I've never had it It's like elderflower cordial Yeah Zachariah had long disappeared into the seething mass of clubbers Looking out for new challenges Those clubbers drinking their desperados, baby! Wow, Belinda! yelled Lucia over the groove tunes.

You gotta love those groove tunes! What's he called them before? Heavy Vibe Music announced a groove tune. Oh my god, the groove tunes. We're in a different era. Oh, I love those. Oh my God, the groove tunes. Yeah. We're in a different era. Oh, I love those. Like the 70s to the 80s.

The heavy vibe of the 70s and the groove tunes of the 80s. Wow, Belinda, yelled Lucia over the groove tunes. That was a bit of rough, all right? Very good, yeah. You're telling me. And I don't smoke. She still doesn't. None of it went in her mouth. You're telling me. And I don't smoke. She still doesn't. None of it went in her mouth.

Those lungs are clean. She did not inhale. They swigged back the cooling drinks and waited for the Duchess to rejoin them at the allotted hour. This woman does not drink bottled beer. Does she? Who, Belinda? Lucia.

Lucia, she's drinking champagne. She's drinking the finest... Prosecco. Prosecco. Some Ne drinking champagne. She's drinking the finest... Prosecco. Prosecco. Some Negroni. Not Desperado. Desperado. This is a classy joint with groove tunes.

I'll have a Carling, thank you. What have we got on tap? They swigged back the cooling drinks, waiting for the Duchess to rejoin them at the allotted hour. Bang on 102 o'clock. That classic allotted hour. Bang on 102 o'clock. That classic allotted hour. Bang on 102 o'clock. The Duchess joined them looking somewhat weather-beaten.

She'd lost her heels on the dance floor and she looked like she'd been pulled through a tree backwards. A tree. Not a hedge. Is that the next stage up? A tree? Oh, yeah, because it's bush, isn't it? Bush hedge tree.

Bush hedge tree. Offense. Belinda. Girls. tree. Offence. Belinda. Girls. She stuttered. I've had a fantastic time with two young men. But I'm shattered. Can we go back to the hotel?

Just the one problem, ladies, said the Contessa wearily. This is one hell of a bad place to get a taxi at this time of night. If this chapter is them getting a taxi, I'm going to be furious. I'm going to hit the roof. Will you or will you be completely unsurprised? They all swore. Fuck, shit, bollocks. I imagine the judges would say, bugger it.

And the contester, what would the contester say? What's like an Italian swear word? Like a kind of bastardo. Bastardo, that's good. And then Belinda, just plain old fuck. I mean, she'll go the full shebang. Shebags, whatever.

So they all swore. Bastardo. And Belinda said, I'm also going a different way to you two. And that means two taxis. Oh God. Oh, God. Oh, no, chorused the aristocrats. You simply must stay in my suite, said the Duchess.

More to Belinda's ass than to her head. Well, quite right. Belinda lives in central London. She could probably walk to her house. This is a ruse to stay with the Duchess, surely. Mm, right. Right. Also, I question whether it is hard to get a taxi outside a major nightclub. In central London.

I'd say that's probably quite a prime spot. I think it's probably the easiest place in the whole of the UK to get a taxi. If someone's playing groove tunes, you'd just be queuing up with the cabs outside, wouldn't you? Oh, yeah. Yes, my lady. There you go. Breathed Belinda as she pulled out her iPhone and tapped it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Belinda's got an iPhone? Yeah. I thought it was the 80s. Clearly not. It's iPhone 1 though, isn't it? I don't doubt that, yeah. You can't update it anymore.

Like, she's had to leave it on the, like, original software. Is this our first bit of modern technology? Yeah, maybe. An iPhone. This changes everything. She's got literally no excuse for anything now. That's the biggest twist of all the books, I think. This is bigger than the special one.

I think he knows. I think he knows that. Belinda pulled out her iPhone and tapped in a string of numbers. Five minutes? Are you sure? Okay, we'll be outside. Ta. No one calls a taxi anymore she doesn't understand the capabilities of that thing in her palm download uber download lyft download anything anything maybe she's an independent shopper and she's keeping minicabs alive oh yeah yeah she's

quite a traditionalist i imagine she's trying to support black cab yeah i think she's probably got a specific minicab driver that she uses always. Oh, do you reckon? So sort of a kind of freelance chauffeur, but like low rent. That does other things on the side. Yeah. That she only calls like once a week. No, I mean doing other things on the side, meaning her.

Oh, got you. Yes, yes. No, yes, quite yes. In the back seat. Yes, absolutely, yes. Outside the club, it was cold and the girls huddled together. Outside the club, it was cold and the girls huddled together. Suddenly, a swish fluorescent orange town car pulled up to the curb.

Question, what's a town car? It's capitalised. Capital T, capital C. Town car. Who's she called? Why is it fluorescent orange? If it's Origes. No. If it's... Oh, fuck.

Who would drive? Fucking hell, who the fuck is this going to... It's a fucking youngish man. Oh, fuck. Who would drive? Oh, bloody... Fucking hell, who the fuck is this going to... It's the fucking youngish man. Oh, fucking hell. Really? Well, he's now the manager at the Ritz, but he side hustles as a taxi driver. Des Martin... Shut up.

...jumped out of the driver's seat and opened the rear doors for the girls. So not even paying for a taxi, they've just got Des out of bed. Wait, where does Des live? Great timing, Des. As always. Des chuckled, doffed his chauffeur's hat and shut the doors.

He had to get out of bed, get in a full chauffeur outfit and go pick them up. That's dedication. He's going to get a raise for sure. Are you guys suggesting that he's done this just for her? As in role play?

Or he does this as a side hustle? I think just for her. I don't know. I'm not sure. I'm really not sure. Pots and pans are in a difficult place. Yeah. He's got mouths to feed.

Has he got mouths to feed? Well, he's divorced famously. But we don't know if he's got kids. Right, James. But we don't know if he's got kids. Oh, yeah. He could have five for all we know. Little Martins running around.

Where to, ladies? He asked while gunning the powerful engine what just revving it now this is all in capitals okay oh christ why the ritz of course oh shut up the tree takes us so over these bitches if it isn't giselle a ballet he doesn't want to know i'm just not they only know one location in l London. It doesn't make you classy, love. All you ever do is go to the fucking Ritz. Everyone goes to the Ritz. Why, the Ritz, of course.

The trio squawked in their poshest undertones. Squawk. Great use of squawk, Rocky. Thank me and Rocky are on the same page. The journey only took 23 minutes to the hotel and Belinda invited Des in for a nightcap. Well, that's the fair thing to do. Like you say he's got out of bed.

Just to clarify Des covers which region? He's London and the South East I believe. Okay so he could have been in the area although South East obviously is quite large.

He's probably in Essex. If he's coming from Eastbourne I think he's furious. He's at Dover. But he got there in time so good for him. The journey only took 23 minutes to the hotel

and Belinda invited Des in for a nightcap. Sorry boss I've taped match of the day so need to get back to my bed sit. But I'll be seeing ya. What a sad life that man leads. What a boner killer when you're reading pornography.

Sad old Des Martin in his bed sit. Also, who tapes things now? He's taped it. He hasn't even used a fucking Sky Plus or whatever. Bedsit. Bedsit. What is a bedsit? Can someone explain a bedsit? It's just open plan, one bedroom but it's all one room.

Like a studio flat type thing. So this had your bedroom in it too? Yeah. Because yours is like a bedsit plus isn't it really? Shut up. There's at least three rooms and a corridor. He tapped the peak of his cap and drove into the traffic oh god he crashed dead stone cold dead dead martin is that the end of death with a bit of luck yeah oh the duchess was dead beat dead beat yeah she's dead beat dead she's dead i think it's dad saying she was like very beat she's very tired She immediately excused herself

But promised to meet for breakfast Before she went on her race meeting At Royal Windsor I think they must be gutted I thought she was going back To the hotel thinking She was going to get some With the Duchess

Night This is what the Duchess does though If we recall What she just goes to bed She gets people riled up Doesn't she Gets them into a sexual frenzy And then fucks off

Ultimately her prerogative But but that is her calling card. She's a cock tease or a vag tease. Do you remember she conked out on that bed in book one in the motel? Oh, yeah. She was out for hours. But didn't she get Belinda into a frenzy with the necklaces and the... And the love eggs, yeah. And then just went and popped to bed, didn't she?

Yeah. That's her thing. That is her thing. Respect to her. That looks like I see a lot of myself in her to her honestly if you can get away with that lucia was the next to bail these are women after my own heart they are french exiting all over the job oh my god brilliant lucia was the next to bail and the result was belinda reclining back in her richly embroidered leather armchair with a bumper gin and slim lime tonic in her fist. Slim lime? Slim lime. No slim line.

Slim lime. Slim lime. Yes slim lime. Slim lime. What's that low fat lime? How do you make a lime more low fat? Slim lime tonic. Is it written slim lime? Slim lime. Stop saying it like it's a thing. It's not a thing. Are you saying the fruit, lime? It's a gin and slim lime tonic. It's really hard to say. And a slim lime tonic. Slim lime.

A slumber what? A slim lime tonic. That's quite a good idea, though. A tonic with a twist of lemon inbuilt into the tonic. I believe that exists, yeah. Do you mean lime? Lime, sorry. Oh, God.

Jesus. How can one word, if it's really two words, cause so much confusion? Excuse me, can I have a gin and slim lime tonic? With a bumper gin and slim lime tonic in her fist. In her fist. Five minutes passed

when suddenly a large voice coughed in her ear. Thank fuck that not everyone's gone to bed. A large voice. You'd be scared out of your skin if everyone's gone to bed and you're reclining having a slim lime tomic. Tomic? It's really hard, isn't it?

A Jim and Slim Lime Tomic. An Atomic Slimline Tomic Thank you Fancy a sandwich before some shut eye Oh god it's the youngish man Said Sam The youngish manager Oh clever Is that written like momager the way that

Chris Jenner would write it The youngish manager Do you go young, it. The youngish manager. Do you go young, youngish man, youngish manager? Is that kind of the attention? Yeah. Young manager. Manager.

Oldish manager. Old manager. Old man dead. Old man dead. Oh, my God. What a ladder. It's the circle of life, Alice. It really is. So what are you?

I think I'm... Oh, you're oldish, I think. Alice. It really is. So what are you? I think I'm... Oh, you're old-ish, I think. Fuck off. You're technically middle-aged now. I think I'm manager. I think I'm in the middle. Manager. What am I?

Witch? Old, dusty tag? Old-ish tag. Crone? Cronanager. Cronanager. Deep in the vaults of the Ritz kitchens, Sam carved Belinda yet another slice of turkey breast.

How many has she had? How long have they been down there eating turkey? Why has he got a crown-o turkey? He's eaten a whole turkey. He slapped it over her face. No, he didn't. Shut up. And tantalisingly

dropped it into her open mouth. Was she eating turkey? I thought the turkey sandwiches were like, you know those weird slices of processed turkey which are quite thin? These are hunks of meat,

Oh, this is real corn-fed King's turkey. Also, not a sandwich, just eating bits of turkey. It's true. Are you referring to the title? He literally just said fancy a sandwich and then slapped some turkey in her face. Yeah, I'd feel like there was a trading standards issue.

Bit of short change, but you know, whatever you're into. This is lovely, but about the sandwich. Maybe she's on like a carb free diet or something. Yeah, it's a naked sandwich. She chomped on the divine meat In ecstasy This is disgusting and this is actually how some people Write about food and it really turns my stomach

You know when people are overly emotive About food And kind of make it sexual when it doesn't need to be Yeah when people say things about olives like Saline flesh peeled away From the hard pit It's fine it's just an olive. As I masticated it, the saliva

reduced it to mulch. Or schlurr. I schlopped it down. Yeah, cool, but doesn't Rocky say chomp? He's like ripping bits off of the teeth

Sam stuffed some into his own mouth took a long sharp knife and put it down Pick it up, put it down That is the definition of Rocky's writing Pick up some plot, put it down Pick up some story, put it down Pick up some characterisation, put it down pick it up put it down that is the definition of rocky's writing pick up some plot put it down pick up some story put it down pick up some characterization put it up oh my god took a long sharp knife and put it down

he kissed belinda's lips well fed Belinda purred. Well fed! Fattened for the feast. I imagine her having a little kind of food baby. It's a ponche. Well fed at two in the morning. That's what you want. It makes it sound like foie gras, doesn't it? Like they've poured gravy

down her throat. Well fed, Belinda purred and leaned back on the stainless steel and spotless food preparation area. Not so spotless anymore. No, they will need to fully anti-back that. Sam removed her heels and kissed her bare fuchsia toenails with studs of stick-on diamonds. Eurgh. Tackier than I thought. Super tacky.

Belinda shuddered with expectancy. She wiggled her ass and Sam picked up the hint on cue. Yes. Confusing. With a gentle pull, he removed her dress and threw it onto the fruit and vegetable rack. Belinda's thong quickly followed. The youngish manager was all fingers and thumbs in her boggy pussy.

Boggy! Boggy pussy, so it's kind of peaty, I guess. Like leaves and... Yes, I just imagine like decomposition. I imagine it kind of more just moist. Puddly. Moist. Muddy puddly. I imagine it kind of more just moist. Puddly. Moist. Muddy puddly.

Yeah, Boggy's more than moist. Boggy's like messy. Yeah, Boggy's like muddy and like soft, squishy moss. Yeah. The youngish manager was all fingers and thumbs in her Boggy pussy, except for his left-handed thumb, which he'd burned earlier that day. What? Why is that an important detail?

So everything's in there but one thumb. That's quite hard. We have to protect that thumb because you can imagine boggy water would not be very good. No, I imagine that would be quite soothing. A cold bog on a burnt thumb. No, it ain't cold. It's hot. A bog?

Have you been to a bog? It's not a bog, though, is it? It's a pussy. Have you been to a bog? Not recently, Alice. a... Have you been to a bog? Not recently, Alice, why? Have you? We don't all

frolic in the bogs like you do. Go to a fucking swimming pool, what's wrong with you? I'm a bog dweller, what can I say? Grot bags.

Belinda was giddy with deja vu as his indexes tapped and rapped at her spongy pubic typewriter. What on earth? I beg your pardon.

That's stupid. I don't even understand it. Typewriter? You know, like... Yeah, but... I mean, who fingers someone like that? It's repulsive, whatever it is. God, that is a new one.

The very same fingers that had so expertly prepared those delicious turkey sandwiches were now releasing their expertise on a very accepting international sales director. James is so weakened by this chapter. And it wasn't long before her pussy started to sizzle. Oh my god, that bog's getting warm. It's drying out. Belinda was well thrilled. Knowing he was excited, she cranked

her head up to his twitching cock and glistened her puffy lips with his boyish sap. Oh my god. Boyish sap! Please let there be a hole that opens up and accepts me into it and never releases me and kills me because this is

horrible. Why is everything so sloppy And sticky And gloopy Viscous Viscous And watery And boggy Such sweet syrup

Of the Norse gods She mused The Norse gods I'm sure she's mentioned The Norse gods before Oh she has What is her religion I mean What is her religion She's gods I'm sure she's mentioned the Norse gods she has what is her religion I mean

what is her religion she's an atheist surely well she's not because she's praying to the Norse gods who prays to the Norse gods Belinda Blumenthal is that a religion though

well it sounds pagan or something well it's Thor isn't it she basically prays to the Avengers she's a big Marvel fan but I'd be part of this religion

because you get away with murder seriously you can do whatever you like. There's no rules. What's her penance? Nothing. Such sweet syrup of the Norse gods, she mused. Just then, the noises fell out of her head because Sam slid his throbbing cock into her vagina without so much as a buy your leave.

A what? Without so much as a buy your leave without so much as a by your leave i think it's like an excuse me or something by your leave oh by your leave by your leave madam so he didn't even say excuse me should someone say that before they enter you just so i know well he slid his throbbing cock into her vagina without so much as a by your leave. Oh my, so much is it? I also like that, and this is probably going a bit graphic, but I'm guessing... I think we can cope with it.

Okay, fine. Well, I'm guessing that Rocky has never had a homosexual encounter. I would imagine that to be true. Just from his discussion of women, he's a great admirer. So when he thinks about... I'm not sure he's had an heterosexual relationship.

He's a virgin hey what does that make me that would make these books even more spectacular but when he's describing oral sex or male fluids he really elevates them to a plane that on

next level are they not as good as well when he's talking about like the nectar of the gods it's like mate well i guess he elevates everyone's juices yes essence discharge oh god all the discharge in the book gets the most respect it really does he's so reverent guys, remember, he's obviously trying to turn people on, lest we forget. Lest we forget. I mean, he's failing, but he's trying. Belinda moaned and hoped the youngish man

liked garlic and cigar smoke with his women. But when she had garlic, did she have garlic bread? She had a garlic smeared steak. Yes, she did. Garlic smeared steak. Yeah, do you remember? Now that is a heavenly syrup.

Oh my God. After a couple of very satisfactory moments, Sam removed Belinda's brassiere. Sam held her tits in his hands. It did feel odd to be back in the promised land. Her nipples were working over turns. I just looked up and you two were literally rolling your eyes at each other. Is the promised land Belinda's vagina?

Let my people go! Which bit's the promised land? The boot? I'm not sure this is what the Israelites thought of. I was going to say, he sold Middle East peace. Turns out it's just her breasts. Oh my God, let my babies go. It did feel odd to be back in the promised land. Her nipples were working overtime

and their ripe shape made him feel even more randy. Like avocados. You know when they're ripe. Do they feel like, do breasts feel like ripe avocados? Do you think they would? Is that too hard? Fuck yeah. Is that too hard?

Is a ripe avocado too hard for what do you think the exterior of an avocado feels like a human breast do you think crocodile skin is what Alice has underneath her

top I'm thinking more the consistency than the come on the consistency no thank you Alice no

have a little feel oh you never I have never done that before I feel really embarrassed have you never touched a breast before

I've never touched Alice's breast before you can do that with two fingers gone from one to two it's not petting a dog oh my god got to get her spongy typewriter alright

what do you think um the reviews are in seven firmer than you thought alright I don't want to leave you perky right firmer than you thought alright I don't want to leave you I don't want words like that

perky right you thought they were closer together with a great cleavage yeah um lot of air air that's your first day

what do you mean air a lot of air please explain I feel like you're poking a balloon do you know what I mean oh give um do you need to go again well Do you know what I mean? Oh. Give.

Do you need to go again? Well, I need one more. I've never felt more of a third wheel in my entire life. Well, what's your vibe? Not an avocado. Well, quite right. That's all I wanted to do with this experiment. More like a...

Oh, wait for it. Like a bag of water. Like a sack of water A water balloon is basically what you've described A water balloon, yes Yes, like a water balloon To be fair, I'll take that To be fair, I was only poking it with one finger

Do you want a full cup? No Wow, lovely Love what you've got going on Congratulations Love what you've done with the place Top notch. Her nipples

were working overtime and their ripe shape had made him feel even more randy. You can see why now. Never seen James like this. He increased his stroke, this is Sam,

not James, and Belinda's hands tightened their hold onto the edge of the shiny stainless steel work area. It's getting a lot of billing, isn't it? This stainless steel work area. You can get them at

Ikea, actually. They are quite nice. They look more expensive than they are. Oh, really? She wanted to give Sam his full penetration and wondered how long it would take him to give her another massive orgasm. Has she already had one? Probably from the previous encounter. From the fingers and thumbs?

No, no. Literally last time they met at the horse and jockey. Oh, so this bog hasn't had... This bog has not been irrigated. Her brain was reeling just thinking about it. She had to calm down. She had to concentrate. Belinda's juices started to pool on the stainless steel work area.

What do you mean? That's a lot of juice. Sam pulled out gently and said, let's try this. Oh God. I've always wanted to do this with you, Belinda. Oh God. Brace yourself. Is he going to flip her over?

The pros call it stand and carry. Eh? Sam pulled Belinda upright and held her tightly in his arms. Now... Oh, right. Wrap your legs around... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's the classic stand and carry.

Yeah, yeah. Got it. No, I just meant... Oh, I can picture it. Say no more. You can skip this bit. We know what it is. No, but I thought... I don't know what I thought, but I can picture this.

Okay, fine. Okay, good. The classic Stanley Carey. Sam pulled Belinda upright and held her tightly in his arms. Now, wrap your legs around the top of my arse tightly. You don't want to slip. Belinda willingly did as she was told. Sam was becoming a bit of a stud.

She thought devilishly, what next? The end. Sam's cock slid effortlessly into Belinda's hole in one. Oh God, it's not pitch and putt. Crazy golf. This is some wacky races right here.

So he's going to have sex with a standing up, basically. He's holding a... I don't know how he says it. It's a standing carry. It's a standing carry. It's a standard standing carry. Once they were locked together, Sam lifted Belinda off the stainless steel food preparation counter.

Really getting an... It's really building its power. He stepped back and swivelled Belinda round. Now, what shall we have a peek at? What? Sorry, so they're still in the stand and carry

but he's turning round almost like when you're holding a baby and you're letting them see the room. So he's sort of rotating. Just giving her a tour of the kitchen.

Yes, yes. So she's like on his cock and he's like just swizzling her around. Doing kind of like rotation. She's a rotisserie chicken. Yes. That's what she is.

Yes. Okay, fine. Like something like a swivel chair. Yeah, or a lazy Susan. A lazy Samuel. Sam started walking down the kitchen, all the time penetrating Belinda, who with the rhythm of the walking

and Sam's thrusting was becoming more delirious with every passing second. So he's thrusting and walking. That must be hard to do. Oh, yeah. He ain't lazy, actually. You don't see that often, yeah. I feel like it's like a dance move.

Yeah, he will be doing a kind of like a squat and there's probably arms involved and like a head nod. He's doing the Macarena down the kitchen. So is this the official kitchen tour at the Ritz? Is this how this happens? I think you can actually get this as a guided tour around the Ritz. Oh, wonderful, yeah. Sam! Sam!

She groaned. Keep going! Don't stop! This is fucking marvellous! Wait! Is that more turkey over there? No! Shut up! Belinda had spotted the original bird. Don't give her a tour of the kitchen.

She'll find the leftovers. Belinda had spotted the original bird Sam had carved when they entered the kitchens. Why, yes, Belinda, said an astonished Sam. Has Sam learnt nothing about Belinda and Turkey? Sex will not come between them. No, that's her

kryptonite. Yeah, her ultimate distraction. It really is, isn't it? She fucking loves Turkey. If you don't ever want to shag Belinda, just throw some turkey at her. Yeah. Never shags at Christmas. Thanksgiving. Don't think so. Why, yes, Belinda, says an astonished Sam.

Would you like a piece? Yes. I love turkey. I love my friends. I love my friends. I love my job. I love Chardonnay. What's happening? The youngish manager blinked.

Oh. I'm not surprised. I'm sorry, what? You okay, hon? That's the end of the chapter? That's the end of the chapter That's the end of the chapter Better bloody be Get out of my sight

I love turkey I love my friends I love my job I love Chardonnay Peace out Drop the mic What an out And I presume she's coming

On that last sentence. Oh, yeah, I imagine so. Well, I never. Well, I never want to come here again. And you live here. And I live here. Yeah, that was it. I mean, we really, really are nowhere near finding out who the special one is, are we?

I have to say, I did enjoy that chapter, though. Did you? That's good fun, wasn't it? Well, you like food. I love food. You're a foodie. I'm with her about the turkey. I'm going to go home and eat some turkey.

And I loved the new character, the stainless steel food preparation zone. Hope to hear more from them. Well, I mean, if people have, I would say, ideas about the special one, but do we just even put it to bed? Ideas about good turkey recipes, I guess, is what we're after in the States.

Yeah, that's what it is. How often do you baste? That's where we're at in the States. Yeah, that's what it is. How often do you baste? That's where we're at in the little big pool. That's all we can hope for. So what's the next chapter? The next chapter is called Pots,

Pans, and Spoons. Diversification at its best. Well, if you're still out there, if you want to get in touch in the wilderness still give a shit

we better do Jane who's the only person still listening write to us you might as well come along next week we've whittled the millions down to one

if you want to be on the footnotes you're more than welcome but yeah do get in touch with us we'd love to hear how bored you are of this book

you can find us on Twitter at DadWroteAPorno. Instagram is MyDadWroteUp. It is. And you can email us, MyDadWroteAPorno at gmail.com. And as always, get on the mailing list over at MyDadWroteAPorno.com. For all the gossip, James. All the up-to-the-minute details and information. Exactly.

This week, turkey sandwich recipes. You know, there'll be something new every week. There won't be. We're not doing that. We haven't got time. And as always, thanks to ACAS for being the host with the most. Okay, so see you next week. Yeah, see you next week.

Alice. What? Buy your leave. Oh, buy your leave. Buy your leave. Buy your leave. Damn. Get back to that bog.