My Dad Wrote A Porno - S4E6 - 'Pots, Pans and Spoons'

Episode Date: October 1, 2018

The hunt for the mysterious Special One ramps up a gear as Steele's Pots and Pans puts a plan into action. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hi guys, welcome back to My Dad Wrote a Porno. I've got James Cooper, hi. Hello. I've got Alice Levine. Hola. Hola chica. Hola. I've got James Cooper. Hi. Hello. I've got Alice Levine. Hola. Hola chica. Hola.

I don't know anymore. Yeah. I've had a good day. Have you? Well. All right, sure. I've managed to, your dad's been trying to palm off a boat to me

for the last couple of months. Is he still on about that? Yeah, he's got this old rickety fucking boat, like no engine. I think the roof's rotting off. Yeah, that's little Nelly. Yeah. Little Nelly, That's the one.

I don't think it's been seabound for many years, has it? No. He told me you just use it to drink hot chocolate in. And a lot of wine. Yeah. At New Year's. Fine. And basically, he doesn't know where to put it anymore.

So he's like, James, you can have it for free. I was like, I don't want to. I think one day I said I like the sea. And he was like, James, you must have a boat. So now he's been trying to palm this boat off to me. But I found someone at work today who wants the boat. Did you? Yeah, so I've passed it on to them. so now him and rocky can kind of do a deal hang on hang on wait it's part of my inheritance little nelly little nelly's sailing away jamie if you want

it you better say goodbye to nelly jamie i mean i don't really want nelly i just don't want anybody else so were you gonna be like one of those people in the 80s that won a speedboat on a game show and had to have it on their front garden i was like i, I don't know where I'm going to put it. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. You live in central London. Exactly. Well, wherever this is. Oh my God, you fucking snob.

He's such a snob. You live on the cusp of zone two. So do you want to check that out? I'm zone one, mate. So what does today's episode hold? Well, I'm glad you asked that, Alice, because today's episode is pots, pans and spoons. Oh, yes. Yes.

We don't know if that means they also produce those or if that's some reference to, well, maybe the special one somehow. How on earth would it be a reference to the special one? I'm still hoping that we're going to come back to that. You're literally grasping at spoons. I really am. Right. Should we delve in?

Let's delve in. Okay. Belinda blinked for chapter six. Pots, pans and spoons. It was 4.09 when Belinda's jag pulled into the Steeles Pots and Pans car park. Back at the office, we're back to the office. No one goes back to the office when it's 4.09. You call it a day, don't you? Yeah.

I know you do, James. I've seen you. You see what he's flogging those boats. She grabbed her briefcase, but left her overnight bag full of slinky negligees, kimonos and bloomers in the car. They are always good to have on hand. I love that two of those are elegant and then one of them's bloomers.

There isn't really a sexy version of a bloomer, is there? Bloomers are like huge granny boxers, aren't they? They're billowing pants that gather at the knee, I always think. With a frilly kind of... Finish. Yeah. But they're very voluminous. Yeah, they're kind of billowy, aren't they?

Yes, yeah. A little air in a bloomer. Absolutely. But also, who wears a kimono? Yeah, more to the point. Sorry, I'm focusing on entirely the wrong thing. I kind of have to go with her on that, though. What I'm picturing is a sort of silk dressing gown, but a bit Japanese-y.

Oh, okay, okay. Which could be a bit sexy. Yeah, that could actually, to be fair. She brought it as a precaution as there was no telling how long this particular meeting would take. That 409 meeting. Very precise. That's the kind of time I turn up for a 3.30

meeting. Yes, it is. Tony was waiting at the front doors looking harassed. Oh no. Because she's late, maybe. This better be good, Blumenthal. I've cut my honeymoon short for this. Oh, shit. So she's late maybe. This better be good, Bloom and Thor. I've cut my honeymoon short for this. Oh, shit. So she's called it.

She's called this emergency meeting. She's called this 409. Do you think this is about FBI? Do you think this is like her trying to figure out what's going on with Helga and the FBI? No, do you? Fucking hope so. So she's pulled him off his honeymoon

for whatever this is about. Don't say pulled him off, but he has returned. She's pulled him off his honeymoon. I think Giselle's pulling him off his honeymoon for whatever this is about. Don't say pulled him off, but he has returned. She's pulled him off his honeymoon. I think Giselle's pulling him off his honeymoon every night. Every night? You're so formal. Every day. Every second. It's night time.

We can consummate the marriage now. When the sun goes down, then we can kiss. No one has sex in the daylight. Where did they go? Do you remember? Scunthorpe, probably. Oh, do you think they went, do you think they were UK-based?

I think they had a staycation. I imagine Tony's the kind of guy who's like, buy British. So he's like, we can stay at home and we'll go to Skegness. This better be good, Blumenthal.

I've cut short my honeymoon for this. Oh, it is, sir, replied Belinda. Thanks to me and my network of associates, we've been given advance warning on what could be a major disaster for this very company we call home. James, you are on it.

We call home. She literally lives there. Are you going home? Yeah, I'm going home, yeah. Oh, you're not going to the office? Oh, sorry, that's what I call home. Home, home. It's got to be.

It's got to be the spy. This has got to be a meeting about the spy. You think? Oh, my goodness. It's an emergency meeting. They walked down the corridor past Maeve on reception, who smiled suspiciously at the business-like faces of Belinda and her boss. We've already put that to bed.

Rocky's really trying to pin it on Maeve, isn't he? Poor Maeve. She's just a country girl. What has Maeve ever done to anyone? Smiled suspiciously. She's just smiling. Good afternoon, sir. Mrs. Blumenthal. Oh. Can I help with anything? Is that Maeve's voice? Maeve's old,

isn't she? Oh, shut up. Is that the first time she's spoken? What, to be more jovial? Why does Maeve sound like Rocky? Literally identical to Rocky. Cause Irish. Good afternoon, sir. Mrs. Blumenthal. Can I help you with anything? No, snapped Tony as they turned into the leather room. Wait, do you think that Tony suspects Maeve?

Tony doesn't know what's going on because he's been on his honeymoon. Yeah. Oh, but also before he didn't really know what was going on, did he? Tony never knows what's going on. Never knows what's going on. Okay, fine. He hired Belinda. He knows nothing about what's going on.

Okay, yeah, he's a bad decision maker. Also, I love that they've got an important meeting, so they're going to have it in the leather room. I think they're going to have it in the leather room. She's going to pull him off in the leather room. There's gin and tonics on that trolley. Hello. As the doors closed behind them,

Tony took a pair of black leather gloves off the hook at the back of the room. He's going to catch a falcon. Yeah. Why is he wearing black leather? Is he going to strangle her? How odd. Belinda had never noticed them before. He proceeded to put them on

and stroke the leather-clad walls mystically. Actually, you wouldn't... Like, black leather on black leather, of course you're not going to spot gloves hanging on a wall if everything's fucking leather. I don't think of it as being black leather, is it? Black leather. I thought it was black leather tiles.

I imagined it so. I think of it as being black leather? Is it black leather? I thought it was black leather tiles. I imagined it so. I think of it as grey. Grey? A light dove grey. Oh, no, no. Not in the leather room, no. Not very easily cleaned. Well, no, that's what I always thought.

Because even if you put, like, a glass of water on leather, like, you get a ring. Very porous. Ever so porous. No, I thought it was like a deep black. Deep black. Black. All right, Rocky.

He proceeded to put them on and stroke the leather-clad walls mystically. Hang on, is this a secret door or something? Is he about to open a fucking secret door? Oh, good shout. Leather on leather was a form of key. And all of a sudden... Oh, shut up. The large hide cubes started to shift and move.

Fuck off. What do you mean leather on leather is a key? What do you mean? Leather on leather is a key. Don't look at me. I didn't write it. What technology detects leather on leather and then makes the whole room shift? Just like a magic jigsaw puzzle, the walls began to reveal a long corridor of light. Oh my God. Yes, like a magic jigsaw puzzle, the walls began to reveal a long corridor of light.

Oh my God. Yes, like a magic jigsaw puzzle. Like magic. Like something that doesn't exist. With good, solid chrome doors at the end. Fucking hell. There's a secret room in the secret leather room. Oh my God.

And this is just your bog standard office block. Yeah. Someone would notice. You'd think. No, they're too busy fucking in there. They wouldn't notice a thing. No, but do people even know about the leather room? Is the leather room for executives?

Executives? And so you've got to hide the leather room, and now you've clearly got to hide this massive corridor with chrome doors at the end. Yeah. You'd spot it, surely. You'd be like, what's that? A warren.

Yeah. A sex warren. a sex warren a swarren the hydraulic doors swooshed open hydraulic okay just rocky we'll go with you so far hydraulic and like james says a long corridor how do you not look out the window of your office and go that's not outside that's internal so what's that bit there like how do you not question it yeah can anyone hear hydraulic doors it's not something you can mask very well the hydraulic doors swooshed open and at the end of a space age long table sat so cliff richard so lenny henry so cliff richard is hidden in a room At Sir... Sir Cliff Richard. Sir Lenny Henry. Sir Cliff Richard is hidden in a room at the end of the living room.

Is Sir Bono there? The hydraulic door was swooshed open and at the end of a space-age long table sat Sir James Godwin's mighty body. His body? And what, his head in a jar? He is the belt from teenage mutant ninja turtle this is exciting i mean it's batshit but i'm loving it no but i love finding new bits of like the world of the office yeah literally of the office honestly i love finding new floors

in my office at the end of a space age long table sat sir james godwin's mighty body just to clarify space age long table what's how's that different to a normal long table obviously Sir James Godwin's mighty body. Just to clarify, Space Age long table. How's that different to a normal long table? Obviously, it's not like a kind of oak country house table, but... I imagine maybe it's got lights coming out of it. Metallic. Yeah, like maps on it. Oh, dry ice.

Yeah, definitely. Probably goes like... So it's a sort of 50s version of the future. Right, got you. It's just BB-8, basically. Shit. Said Sir James gruffly. Speak. Speak.

Speak. Speak. Speak. Oh. In character. Speak. It only took Belinda ten minutes to tell all to her bosses. At the end of the brief presentation, Tony had turned cream.

Cream. Cream. Cream. Cream. at the end of the brief presentation Tony had turned cream cream cream cream cream or white like off white off white he's off white

like worried maybe Rocky thinks that when people turn white it's a bit like you don't turn like emulsion white it's not believable is it no

cream you do turn cream he's still he's still creamy he's creamy he's milky we're also presuming that Tony's Caucasian

he may have turned cream that's true no one's creamy He's milky We're also presuming that Tony's Caucasian He may have turned cream That's true No one's race has ever been verified No Could be super diverse for all we know At the end of the brief presentation Tony had turned cream

And Sir James buried his head in his hands And wept Oh my god What did she tell them? Well, I think we can guess The cubicle confessions The cubicle confessions Don't know why it took ten minutes

Yeah, help's in the FBI. I believe you, Belinda. And your FBI source, Helga. It actually all fits. Some amazing advances in our development team at the factory. Professor Slintz. Slintz. Professor.

Professor Slintz. Professor of what, pray tell? of slints slints professor professor slints professor of what pray tell I think it's slints s-l-i-n-z slints oh ok slints

I kind of like the slints some amazing advantage our development team at the factory especially professor slints have been working on

we call it the trioxy brillo range and to be honest but the factory, especially Professor Slint, have been working on. We call it the Trioxibrillo range. And to be honest, it's a world beater. Were we not supposed to know about the Trioxibrillo range? We already know about that. No, we don't. We only know about it because of Bish. Bish knows about it. Yeah.

So even Belinda didn't know about the Trioxibrillo range. Well, you don't know that. But he's telling her now. But we don't know that she doesn't already know. So we don't know if she knows, but you don't know that. But he's telling her now. But we don't know that she doesn't already know. So we don't know if she knows but she doesn't know that he knows.

But James Godwin doesn't know if she knows or if she shouldn't know or doesn't know. Exactly. Whatever that was, yes. Should she know? No.

No. No one should know apart from Professor Slintz. Can I see Professor Slintz's diploma, please? Just up close. We call it the trioxy brillo range and to be honest it's a world beater tony whistled through his teeth yeah i don't think it was a bird song why is tony just like

already knew. Tony whistled through his teeth. This could be worth millions to the company. Billions, echoed Sir James. Billions. That wasn't... Also, not an echo. When you say millions and someone else says billions,

it's an entirely different word it's a defective echo millions billions is there an echo in here millions billions so they're saying that the trioxybrillo range is worth billions they're not even saying that steels is worth billions just this range on its own is worth billions yeah and also it's the trioxybrillo so it's just a slight improvement on the oxybrillo which actually lost the money i think if we're right in thinking yeah but you should see what they've done with it fucking hell they've invented spoons or something so oh yeah there's a they've added a spoon a three-handled spoon so it's a

world beater billions echoed sir james It's a revolutionary metal design developed by slints. That, and our recent uplift in sales, will make us number one worldwide. Number one what? And that's the reason someone wants to steal the blueprints. Belinda! She's tweaked! Added Belinda. They want to make the money rather than us.

She's a sharp one. She's good at two. She's really put two and two together and 55 minutes later got four. Thank you for bringing us up to speed, Belinda. We hadn't got that 20 chapters ago. That was some really good exposition though, wasn't it? Just catch the audience up.

Catch them right up. She is a basic bitch. Sir James set up his old-fashioned flip chart, which had never failed him. He handed the magic marker pen to belinda and said let's brainstorm so he's at a space age futuristic table but he will still go with the flip chart old habits i kind of like that i'm like a pen and pad girl myself so i bet he uses one of those overhead projectors where you put the like see-through um i loved those obsessed and it was the biggest honor if you were the person to swap it over an assembly.

Who got to operate it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you remember the teachers that used to cover up the lyrics that you were going to get to? Yes. And bring them down, line at a time, then whip it off. Did you ever have a teacher who drew onto the acetate as it was projecting? Yeah. That was very clever.

Very clever, wasn't it? That's advanced because wouldn't you have to do it backwards? Yeah. What? I think so, yeah. What? It was a very unusual technology. It was a series of mirrors, wasn't it? Yeah, it was think so, yeah. What? It was a very unusual technology. It was a series of mirrors, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was very odd, yeah. Odd but effective. Oh, I loved that. Let's brainstorm. Sir James, I met Jim Walters from Apollo Security Agencies at the Epsom Pile. Eh? Who's that? You know, that dinner party that the judges held?

Yes. He was there. Jim Walters. Oh, yeah, we were like, why is he there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rocky plants seeds and he knows what he's doing with them. Like, we've got to start believing in the guy. Either that or it was just really handy that he'd mentioned it.

He was like, yeah, Jim Walters, yeah. He's ex-MI6 and still has good contacts, especially in the industrial espionage departments. Is he worth retaining to help us with this problem? Sir James pondered the request for a second or so and said... What are you talking about? Also, a second. Yes.

Or so, James, a second or so. Let me think about it, yes. Hmm. Yes. Yes. Let's get some security on Professor Slintz. He's the key man in this project. And if they kidnapped him, it would be the same as stealing the blueprints. Or just steal the blueprints.

Yeah, forget about Slintz. I never want to forget about Slintz. I love Slintz. I'm now hearing forgot about Slintz to the tune of Forgot About Dre, which is excellent, by the way. If anybody can do that for us, that'd be wonderful. I'll ring him now and get this all in motion. Who, slints or Jim Walters? Jim Walters. You two continue the brainstorm and let's see what you can dig up.

I'm still confused about what the brainstorm's for. It comes back in, they've thought of names for like a spoon. Because surely what they were trying to think of was a way to combat this leak. Which they now have. Which they just have, which is Jim. Right. Right. Sir James left the room.

Tony looked quizzically at Belinda and said, God, Belinda, I don't know who the real spies are. You or our competitors. He laughed and took the marker pen from her. Wait a sec, sorry. If Belinda is the special one, would she leak this information so that she found out what their plan was to combat the leak?

Do you see what I mean? To find out where the blueprints were. So they tell her... Because she didn't know about slints. Because now she knows about slints and the trioxybrillo reins. I'm sorry, she's too thick for that. I don't know. But is she feigning ignorance when she's like,

and that's why they want to make the money. No, she's just thick. Okay. But that would mean that she would have Jim already on her side she would have groomed Jim oh my god so then Jim will find out all this information

and feed it back to her because she's on the inside quite literally she's on the inside of this long corridor A I just don't think she's smart enough for that I don't think Rocky's

smart enough for that okay now you're using an argument I can go on board with but if that is what turns out to have happened, that's pretty amazing. She's playing the game very carefully, the game of chess. She's getting all the pieces in place.

Almost like a jigsaw. Almost like a leather jigsaw controlled by leather gloves. Precisely. So Tony took the marker pen from her. Now, who are our most ferocious competitors in the marketplace? Whose nose have we put out of joint the most since you've arrived at our little company? Oh, because they don't even know

who's trying to spy at this stage. Sorry, little company or the biggest company in the world. They're about to become the biggest worldwide. But they're little right now. Amazing. Ha! Belinda replied. That's an easy one.

It's the Germans. Bisch Herstalung from Berlin. They hate us. Tony wrote down the word Bisch on the flip chart. But not Herstellung because he doesn't know how to spell it. I'd have just written down Bisch. Any others? Possibly Monroe Corp. What? Do we know them?

Possibly Monroe Corp From the States After Bella's Jim Sterling deal And of course the Japanese conglomerate Heido Seiki Of course Duh All the biggest competitors

Sylvester and Blumenthal The worst cop duo ever I want to see that spin off And of course the Japanese conglomerate Heido Seiki But overall Sorry I love a game of Heido Seiki Bloody love it.

But overall, I would go for Bish. Tony wrote the other two names up and studied them for a good long while. Tony's like, sorry, how do you spell hide-o-seki? He then wrote the nationality of the company under it. This man is brilliant. of the company under it. This man is brilliant. He immediately put a line through Monroe of the USA and wrote under it,

FBI slash CIA slash Helga. This is a great brainstorm. Don't explain your workings, will you, Tony? He then did the same with Heido Seiki. Why? And wrote under it, small sales presence in Europe. Oh, rendering them an unlikely suspect.

Indeed. Although you can be one of the smallest fishers in the market and then become the biggest company in the world. So don't look at them in a snooty fashion. Don't underestimate them. Heido Seiki will overtake you. This is such a fucking embarrassing effort. I'm surprised T-Fell's not on there.

Or Typhoid. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The cruiser. Yeah. Surely they're bigger fish. Tony studied the Bish column well, with Germany written under it. Literally the only column left.

He added Berlin. Then East Berlin. Oh, fuck's sake. Belinda swiped the pen from him and added underneath Amsterdam and Helga. She then ringed the words Berlin and Amsterdam and added FBI Europe. She then calmly drew a straight line between them. Bingo! This is so painful.

Bingo! Got it! I honestly felt like that took about two hours. Bingo, said Tony. This is so stupid. Belinda blinked. Oh, that hasn't happened for a while. Seconds later Seconds again Seconds later, Sir James returned

Beaming and pointed at Belinda You, Belinda, have a meeting at the Pentra at 9pm tonight With Jim Walter's MI6 contact Really? You want to meet at the Pentra Which is where everybody from the company meets And also, Belinda's barred from the Pentra, isn't she? He'll make contact with you at the Long Bar, where you and the Glee team drink.

Yeah, ideal. Great. So inconspicuous. Yeah, mouthy Bella at the end of the bar, like, what you doing, Belinda? Of all the places in the world that they could meet. Yeah, they deserve to get hacked. Oh, fuck's sake.

Belinda moved to leave the top that they could move. Yeah. They deserve to get hacked. Oh, fuck's sake. Belinda moved to leave the top secret modern meeting room. But remember, there is a mole loose in this organisation. Ooh. Utter of this to no one. Utter of this. Utter of this to no one. Pray tell me this.

Utter of this to no one. Not even the kindly ladies Or valued spouses Of steels, pots and pans So keep it in the family Tony's face fell To the mirrored desk It was mirrored

That's why it's space age Oh lovely You wouldn't want that though in a meeting would you You'd see a double chin on the table It's like when you're writing your notes. It's like when you look in your phone and the camera's the wrong way round. I do that all the time. I'm like, what is that beast?

I'm like, get it! Out devil! The three of us are as wide as this gets. Now, get going now. Now, get going now. Now, get going now. And Belinda, thanks.

Belinda smiled at Sir James's gratitude and left immediately for London. She's in London, isn't she? She's literally in London. That's where the offices are. And also she's going further out of London to get to the Pentra. The Pentra long bar was busy. Is that a subdiv get to the Pentra. The Pentra Long Bar was busy.

Oh, is that a subdivision of the Pentra? The Long Bar? Yeah, I don't know. No, I think the Long Bar's in the middle of the bar. It's just a long bar. Okay. The Pentra Long Bar was busy as Belinda ordered her first gin and tonic of the day

from Paddy the bartender. Oh, great. So not only could she bump into people from work, but the bar staff know her so well that any conversation she has with a stranger who's going to be super conspicuous, they'll notice. Brilliant.

She relaxed back into her bar stool. She'd fall off it, wouldn't she? It's only so far you can relax. She relaxed back into her bar stool and looked around for men lounging against doorways in long trench coats, quietly tapping their ears as they communicated with their handlers. So that's what she thinks he's going to look like.

Is that what he looked like? He had a trench coat and a trilby and what, he had an earpiece in? A massive earpiece, yeah. That's what she thinks spies look like, clearly. If he does look like that, I'll be livid. But she couldn't identify any. Half an hour passed, but nothing happened.

Shit, that's bad. If you're supposed to meet an agent and they don't turn up. Yeah. She ordered another gin and tonic. Paddy thought she'd been stood up and wished he was off duty. God, I feel like something's

going to happen to Paddy at some point. Oh, yeah. Paddy, welcome to the family. I'm so sorry for what's about to happen, Paddy. Paddy, quit what you still can. Drinking. Paddy, welcome to the family. I'm so sorry for what's about to happen, Paddy. Paddy, quit while you still can. Drinking on the jar

of Miss Blumenthal, which her James approve, Belinda looked to her left. One of a group of sales... Shook it to the right. Slap it to the front. Belinda looked to her left. One of a group of salesmen

had detached himself from the edge of his party and was talking to her. She noticed that someone was talking to her left. One of a group of salesmen had detached himself from the edge of his party and was talking to her. She noticed that someone was talking to her? Why was he talking for ages? I've just noticed someone's been talking to me for quite a while. For half an hour? In fact, he was on time. I just forgot to open my eyes.

Leave me alone, chump. I've got a man to meet. Belinda barked. Great bounce. The very shame. Do you mind if I join you? Oh my God! So you're giving him a Sean Connery voice?

You're better than that. You're so much better than that. Like father, like son, honestly. How excited he got about that. I was toying with it today. I was like, should I do I was like Shall I do it? I won't do it Oh fuck it I'll do it

You should be ashamed of yourself Sorry No go on Belinda took a minute And looked him up and down Decent Well polished shoes Goodish physique

A full head of dark hair And to die for a smile This is like a crap version Of what Sherlock does isn't it? Because he's usually like Oh like graphite under the nails. Must be an artist and kind of does all that business. She's like, I like his jumper. Sweaty brow.

It's like, great, thanks. The name's Spooner. James Spooner. Oh, for God's sake. James Spooner. So that's the spoons? Yeah, I think so, yeah. And he's going to say,

they call me Spoons as my nickname or something, is he? Agent Spoons, yeah. Oh, fuck's sake. You're adding to this. Spoons with a Z. MC Spoons. From DJ Blumenthal. Oh, fuck the Norse gods all at once.

Belinda shrieked. Not a saying. You're the man I've been waiting for! Yes, why is she so slow? No, she's been waiting for Jim Walters. No. Oh, Jim Walters put her in contact with this guy, with James Spooner. The MI6 guy.

Right. They spent the next two hours getting to know each other. And then, it was suddenly time to call it a night. Didn't talk business once. Smart to you two! We haven't got any holidays planned this year. Spooner walked Belinda to her sweet door and kissed her deeply on the crown of her head. What?

Wow, they've really bonded. Where is the crown? Is that like there at the top of your head? I think that's like right on the top where a hat would go. And is her door really sweet? I thought it was like right on the top where a hat would go. And is her door really sweet? I thought it was like a double locked sort of industrial. She must be staying at the pentra.

Yeah. Spooner walked Belinda to her sweet door and kissed her deeply on the crown of her head. He wasn't saying, that is a sweet door. No, but I thought he was saying it was like cute. It was like, look at the sweet little door to her house. It's a little hobbit door. Oh, God. He said, goodnight.

Where's he from? Goodnight. He said, goodnight. Goodnight. But, Scott, you would say, goodnight. Belinda felt her vagina moisten. It was never wrong.

She wanted this spy to investigate her insides. Oh my god! Put together a dossier on this. A thorough exploration was required,

leaving no crease unturned. Don't say crease. No roll left unraveled. She stroked the contours of his partially shaven cheek and with her other hand felt for his cock. It was aroused. Oh, good. That's good.

Perfect, she thought. How sweet. That's good. Perfect, she thought. How sweet. That's just right. She calmly unzipped him as he held her against her room door. That sweet, sweet door. He held her against it. Not like off the ground, though. No, no, I just think like up against it.

Yeah, yeah. Spooner took a step backwards to the opposite side of the corridor. He's getting a run up. So they're still in the corridor. They haven't got into a room yet. Well, that doesn't surprise me. He twisted his left cufflink 90 degrees. Oh, God.

And did another door open. And aimed it right at her. A razor thin red laser beam pierced her forehead. Shut up. It pierced her forehead. She got pierced her forehead she got a hole in her forehead oh no what's happening wept belinda's brain oh no her head's filling up with tears soggy old brain. Oh no. What's happening? Wept Belinda's brain. What if this was not who it seemed?

It very much looks that way. Spooner slowly moved the cuff link downwards. And with it, the laser beam travelled past Belinda's eyelashes. Over her upturned nose. Down her puffy lips. She's got a little piggy nose. Wait, he's not going to arouse her with the laser, is he? And past her chin. I think he is. I think it's going to turn into a dildo or something.

Do you know how lasers work? Turn into a dildo. Sorry, what? Terrified, she began to smell smoke and she looked downward, dreading the worst. Sure enough... What? What's on fire? The laser was burning her cocktail dress right down the middle. Oh, for God's sake! Hang on, how did it start getting hot when it got to her clothes and not, like, burn a massive line down her face?

Well, maybe she does have a burn line down the middle of her face. Maybe she's a droid and she's literally been sliced in two, but is still alive. So he's traced it, I'm guessing, from hairline all the way down her face, all the way down her nose, all the way over her mouth, like he said. But then it's hit the cocktail dress at the boob level. And it's just cutting through that fabric. Look, MI6 have some gadgets that clearly know...

They've got some lovely cufflinks, haven't they? They know when it's fabric and when it's flesh. Of course, yeah, of course. It's a bit like the leather-detecting gloves. They've got amazing technology. I mean, I'm not sure why anybody's worried about the Oxybrilla range. Market those fucking gloves. Market these fucking cufflinks.

You're sitting on a goldmine of technology. Honestly. Laser cufflinks. Sell that mirror table if nothing else. Job done. laser cufflinks sell that mirror table if nothing else job done got thousands of pounds worth of gadgets fucking hell sure enough

the laser was burning her cocktail dress right down the middle past her breasts over her belly button all the way to her knees it had even burned through her brassiere and favorite glitter thong oh that's such a shame isn't it glitter thong it's too much i'm gonna get up in all the wrong places oh i don't think it's dipped in glitter yeah i think there's loose bits of glitter

oh i thought it was like yeah pritt stick and then sprinkle glitter on it homemade glitter pva dipping glitter let dry in the Suddenly, her dress her undergarments and her womanly secrets fell to the ground What fell to the ground? Her womanly secrets? Womanly secrets Is that a euphemism for her bits? I think just Not that she has any secrets left to show anyone

but her naked form I see what you mean, but her naked form didn't fall to the floor, did it? No, sorry Her inhibitions fell with the dress. Right. I think. God, that laser's strong. Yeah, we thought nothing could get to those.

Her womanly secrets fell to the ground either side of her naked body. He's pretty smooth, this Spooner, isn't he? Either side. So it's fallen in two halves. So it's weird because it's not cut through her body, has it? No. But it's cut down the middle. No, no no remember it

detects fabric not flesh yeah so everything's in one piece it's not in two pieces it's not falling either side

oh yeah she hasn't turned around he hasn't turned around no but maybe it kind of just like fell a bit to the side and then just fell to the back

I don't know okay cool her eyes moved upwards and gazed into her opposite number can you do those at the same time? Can you do laser eye surgery on those? Yeah, great.

Spooner winked with a devilish charm. Oh, Spooner. You cad, you. Belinda blinked. What? That's the end of the term. Oh, fuck off. I love this bit.

I love this bit it's actually getting a bit good isn't it that was yeah finally what were you trapped to six because we still don't know if he's a goodie or a baddie

because often they shag don't they but it doesn't mean it's a goodie no it could be a double agent I liked the way he like like, for a second, he didn't know what side he was on,

if he was going to kill her, and then he just cut her dress off with the flesh... Sorry. Flesh-eating. The non-flesh-eating fabric-cutting laser. Yes. Whatever it's called. I loved that recap, James.

Thank you. So we're really starting to get somewhere with the special one. It feels like we're finally on the path to finding out who it's going to be. Well, it's actually become part of the story again again because i thought we'd forgotten all the espionage and forgotten all of the kind of double crossing yeah so tony sir james and belinda they know what's going on yes but belinda could still be the special one and they know there's a mole in the like they basically know everything we know now yeah everyone's up to speed yeah finally finally

oh my god and now the investigation commences all they need is a Byron a bit of flip chart and just draw some lines and they'll figure it out just write Bella Giselle

and just write a line between bingo and Maeve and Maeve guys please it was a magic marker oh yeah a thousand apologies

it really has to be a magic marker it only works that way that was exciting it was wasn't it what's the next chapter called? The next chapter is called Copier Blues. Copier Blues?

Copier Blues. Like photocopier? I've no idea what it means. I got those copier blues. Copier blues are calling. The toners run out. They're probably just copying their arse on the photocopier. I'd read a chapter of that.

Copier blues. I mean, blueprints, blues. Ooh, Alice. Copier the blueprints. Copier the blues, am I right? That's quite a good guess, actually. Yes, if that tempts you back next week, we shall return for chapter seven. Ooh, if you want to get in touch in the meantime you can do that on Instagram

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to ACAST for hosting this podcast yep and we'll see you next week but we better go because we've got to go and babysit Professor Slints now. He might get kidnapped.