My Dad Wrote A Porno - S4E7 - 'Copier Blues'

Episode Date: October 8, 2018

James Spooner starts his search for the Special One at Steele's Pots and Pans. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome back to My Dad Wrote a Porno. Alice, how are you? Well. Good. Well. Jay, you don't sound that well. We're really well. Well, I wasn't answering well. I was saying well and then you? Well. Good. Well. Jay, oh, you don't sound that well. We're really well.

Well, I wasn't answering well. I was saying well, and then you just said, oh, good. Oh, sorry, okay. It's fine, it's fine. Don't worry about it. James, how are you? I'm sad. Oh, why?

So every time we record at my flat, I've got this really buzzy fridge right behind you, Jamie. Yes. Buzzy, like everyone's talking about it. Oh my God, like it is the talk of the town. Coolest fridge on the street. It's the fridge of 2018. So I have to turn's talking about it. Oh my God. Like it is the talk of the town. Coolest fridge on the street. It's the fridge of 2018. So I have to turn it off because it's loud.

So we recorded it last week. Can I just say, we're that professional. We switch off appliances. We close doors. We close windows. We really think about this podcast. We would shut your street if we could. We'd close it down, wouldn't we?

And I forgot to turn it back on, didn't I? So all my meat, all my veg, everything in the fridge went rotten and I've had to chuck it away on didn't i so all my meat all my veg everything in the fridge went rotten and i've had to chuck it away so you've had a very very lean week i haven't eaten i had to find scraps in the cupboard eat some mixed herbs james two things you never have any food i was gonna say what could possibly have gone on i know but i i did actually have meat in the freezer that i was keeping for when days. Oh, the best. For when the Pope came. I don't know. Usually in your fridge you've got an egg, a knob of cheese, if that's the right measure.

Do you want to have a look now? See what's in there. All right. Have a rummage, Alice. Okay. Can you hear me from here? Hang on. I'm going to bring a mic to you because, again, we're that technical.

Okay. There's a small packet of barbecue sauce, the kind that you'd get from a drive-in. Okay, there's a small packet of barbecue sauce, the kind that you'd get from a drive-in. There's three sprouting bulbs of garlic that look like they've been here since the turn of the century. Why have I done this? Why have I let it go in my fridge? And some milk that has now become cheese. Oh, lovely. What could you make out of that? It does seem like a cooking show challenge, doesn't it?

I didn't mention the lager, which would make a lovely reduction on top of all of that. Do you not remember the time we came round and I made some food of my own? I brought all the ingredients and I said to James, oh, do you have any salt? And he said, no, I haven't been shopping this week. Like you buy salt every week. He also made you eat it off the floor, if I remember correctly. Yeah, on a plate, but off the floor.

Yeah, interesting. There's Pringles in that cupboard. James, Barocca, the vitamin C supplement, is not food. I've got flaxseed. I don't really know what it is, but I've got it. That's such a sad cupboard. Close it. If a cupboard has ever screamed spinster more, honestly, it brings tears to my eyes.

I'm never here. I'm always out enjoying life. Seizing the opportunity. So, this week, the chapter is called Copier Blues. Have you been thinking about what that could possibly mean? It must be something to do with the photocopier, obviously. No, you made a good point last week about it being something to do with the blueprints for the Trioxy Brillo range. Well, I think it's both.

I think it's probably photocopying the plans for the building. I mean, that could be Copier Blues as well. Literally, the photocopy is just broken and they're sad about it. Oh, don't say that, James, because that'll be what it is. Oh my God, yeah. Could you imagine? Great.

The crisis at Steeles. See you in 45 minutes, guys. New character alerts last week. Oh my God, so much happened. So who was there? We had Spooner. James Spooner. We got the mention of Professor Slintz.

Professor Slintz. I'm obsessed with Professor Slintz. I really want to meet, yeah. I think we're going to meet him. I think there's We got the mention of Professor Slintz. Professor Slintz. I'm obsessed with Professor Slintz. Who I really want to meet, yeah. I think we're going to meet him. I think there's going to be more from Professor Slintz. He's the brains behind the whole operation. Well, exactly. Yeah, he's been beavering away, designing all the pots and pans.

We've never heard of him until book four. Has he been beavering away or has he been beavering away? I don't understand the question. Has he been beavering away at his work or has he been beavering away at a beaver? A woman's beaver. A woman's beaver. A woman's beaver. Well, there's three options now. Basically, is he a sexy character that we're going to be introduced to?

Or is he going to be kind of nuts and bolts, sort of get the job done science guy? I imagine the latter. Do you think? I think you are fooling yourselves. I think you're into him. Slints will slink right into you. That was it, wasn't it? Spooner and slints.

Yeah. Slink, you're into him. Slints will slink right into you. That was it, wasn't it? Spooner and slints. Yeah. But now we know that Belinda, Tony and Sir James know what's going on. And they've now hired a spy to try and find the mole within Steel's pots and pans.

Dare I say, Sir James, Tony and Belinda, new Glee team. Much preferred. And also a great callback to the long forgotten security expert. Oh yeah, Jim Walters, whatever his name is. Oh yeah. Jim Broadbent. Jim Walters,im walters whatever his name oh yeah jim braubent jim walters obe or whatever his name was you never know if they're gonna be important you never know if they're gonna be your friend what was trying to learn is he doesn't put characters in unless he's going to use them again there is no fat in these books hashtag bill from hr bill from hr

could be behind it all for all you know. Bill could still be the special one. Madame Chocolat? Yeah, okay. I'll take your point. Okay. Belinda Blinked 4, Chapter 7, Copier Blues. Spooner, semicolon. New paragraph.

No. James Spooner and Belinda Blumenthal breakfast together as the lovers they had portrayed the previous evening in the corridor outside Belinda's room. So no nookie then. Classic Rocky, no nookie. You hear the bit before, the bit after. Sorry, just read that first line again.

It's written very oddly. And you seem to be surprised by that. Well, I don't have a role unless it's to point it out. James Spooner and Belinda Blumenthal breakfast together as the lovers they had portrayed the previous evening in the corridor outside Belinda's room. Why is it written like a play? Why is it written in present tense like that?

Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it does sound like a play. The lovers they portrayed. But it's like Spooner and Belinda's room. Why is it written like a play? Why is it written present tense like that? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it does sound like a play. The lovers they portrayed. But it's like Spooner and Belinda breakfast. Exterior. Exactly. The scene opens with them enjoying their eggs. It was obvious to any casual,

or not so casual onlooker, that they were having an affair. So everyone. And that suited Spooner down to the ground. Oh, did it? This might be part of his kind of cover. As he tucked into his full English with all the trimmings, including tomatoes. Oh God, here we go. Mushrooms. Oh God, we're getting the trimmings. Bacon. Oh, for fuck's sake. Cumberland sausage. Shush, my fridge will hear you. Beans, black pudding and granary toast. White would not be healthy enough for a member of Her Majesty's spy network.

I mean, the rest sounds pretty unhealthy. Black pudding? Have you ever had black pudding? Of course. Love black pudding. It's very nice. Really? Yeah. It's not healthy, though.

No. It's blood sausage. It's blood and fat, isn't it? Yeah, basically. He thought about last night. His mind pictured Belinda on the sumptuous, one-inch-long... One-inch-long? One-inch-long what?

One-inch-long tea-stained bedrunner. One-inch-long what is it? Dolls furniture? I think he might mean one- wide maybe. You know those kind of very long... But one inch? An inch wide? Well no but... Isn't that a bit of rope? That's like a thumbnail. Yeah.

His mind pictured Belinda on the sumptuous one inch long tea stained bed runner. Tea stained? I mean I can't get over one inch long. I can't. It's like Jim Sterling book one. I don't even know what he could have meant. Completely naked on all fours. She had her tits hanging down,

waiting for him to fuck her deliciously wide open. Oh, wow. Closely shaven vagina from behind. Oh, my God. Dad. Excuse me. No, but that's one of the first in a while where you've thought, oh, my God, you've thought about that, dad. Excuse me, Alice. No, but that's one of the first in a while where you've thought, oh my God, you've thought about that, Rocky.

Really visceral, that. You can kind of picture it and you... Closely shaven. Dad. Vagina from behind. What does a vagina look like from behind? You surely can't see a vagina from behind. It's at the front.

This is going to be doggy style. If that helps you picture it any better. Okay. And with doggy style does the penis go kind of under the carriage and into the vagina? Into the station. Do you call it the taint or the gooch?

You've got to negotiate that. What do you mean? You wouldn't go near it. Abracadabra. It's not really relevant. Think of the angle of the body on all fours yeah so just think of that that's all i'm giving you i mean that's all you need and also a hint here with the word wide wide open i believe it was can you imagine that what her legs are wide open yeah well it makes other stuff wide open doesn't it splay her vagina right yeah oh my god this is literally like teaching a kid algebra.

You've got the vagina and you carry the vulva. What do you get? To the power of two. And the taint doesn't come into it. I'm going to help you one sec. Can you stop saying taint? Yeah. What are you going to show me?

This will terrify him. What are you Googling? I don't like how serious she is. She's a woman on a mission. Okay, so this is what you need to be picturing. No. I noticed that James has crossed his legs very tightly in anticipation. Okay, so this will help.

Wow, you really went full on. It looks like she's holding a burger between her legs. Oh, for God's sake, James. It just looks like a quarter pounder between her legs. James, you've seen a vagina.

Not from that angle. What quarter pounders are you eating? Please stop eating down the road so this sort of vibe i mean that's not unfamiliar to me so the position yeah oh here you go this is what we were looking for oh my god yeah there you go that's basically it says wide yeah go right in there yeah okay right wow i genuinely didn't know it went back that far.

What do you mean went back that far? Like, that is touching asshole. Yeah, but when you give birth, sometimes it tears all the way up. Yeah, no, I've heard that. They're literally right next to each other, aren't they? Next door neighbours. Just pop over the fence, Chase. Do you want me to send you this?

I'll send you this. Her feet are very dirty. Well, she's writh riding around on this piece of canvas You're really honing in on the most important parts of these pictures Oh god Okay do you want her face in it when I send it to you? No the buttocks and vagina is fine thank you Oh just put them in for scale

Okay I've just popped that in the WhatsApp group Which is for research purposes Have you honestly? Yeah Great Oh good Anyway Okay right sorry that's cleared up

I'm not going to read the sentence again if that's okay that's fine okay thanks he loved it oh good a worthy last shag on earth if steel's pots and pans were to be his downfall are the stakes really as high as everyone's making out i mean at worst they get the trioxybrillo range plans. But that's worth billions, if you remember. Yeah, but they're not going to kill Spooner. Spooner thinks this is his last day on Earth. At worst, they get a redundancy package. Which seems much less sinister.

Yeah. Belinda could hardly eat. Her head was racing with thinking about Bish. Why do these things always happen to me? Because you're as daft as a brush. Why can't I just be left alone to sell some pots and pans? If you would, it would be a fine thing. The plan was simple.

Spooner was to be the latest temporary recruit to the Steeles Pots and Pans team. He would be working as an it freelancer under belinda's supervision oh because it is her department now yeah why not put him in a sales role because at least then he's near the pots and pans that he's supposed to be investigating and you're out and about a lot yeah and you can kind of blag it like oh yeah it's got a lovely handle conduct heat well what i don't know very convincing i'd buy it better than bella to be fair yeah because people are going to be coming up to him like sorry my bass unit's still playing up because you can have a look and he's gonna have

to be like oh my god never seen anything like it and like throw it out can you configure my outlook please he'll be working as an it freelancer under belinda's supervision, giving him a free hand to visit both the factory in Scotland and head office in London. Oh, okay. So there is quite a wide scope. So the IT department get higher access than Belinda. Not sure we've heard about the factory. We haven't been there, have we?

We've been to a factory. Well, that was Andy Milston's factory. Of course it was. That was a distribution hub, wasn't it? Yes. Oh, my apologies. We haven't been to a production... Hub right yeah good point well he'll blend right in because he's scottish he will indeed only tony sir james and belinda knew of his true role and it was imperative

that it stayed that way that should be quite easy unless someone starts blabbing. Belinda. That should be quite easy to do. In the best of circumstances, it was always hard to catch a mole. Is this now about moles? Like, literally about moles in holes? Well, if one appears all of a sudden and it's an odd colour, you should get it checked. You should. James, that's true. Don't joke about that. No, I know.

In the best of circumstances, it was always hard to catch a mole. But a recently established one was the worst. Why? Spooner knew from bitter experience that they just didn't make mistakes. New moles don't, but old moles do. That only came later in their careers when they became lazy or reckless. Interesting.

Very interesting, because I would have thought the other way around. Yeah, the more you bed in, the better you are at being a mole. Yeah. As the old saying goes. So, well, the newest... Sorry to keep theorising, but the newest... Oh, don't say Maeve. Maeve.

No, no. She's the newest person at the company. But then she's too new, isn't she, to be the mole? Well, a mole can be of any age. Why do you keep saying stupid stuff about moles? I don't know. I think all signs are pointing to mole. To mole.

Let's call it mole now. Oh my God, re-arrange the letters. It spells mole. Oh my God. What, you reckon it's going to be Maeve? That's my best guess at the moment. You've done a 180. Wow.

Oh, interesting. And also that Rocky is literally going, it's Maeve. Yeah, I think we have to read into that a little bit. Later that day, Belinda was introducing her very own mole. Can we stop saying mole in this book? Her very own mole around Steeles HQ, with a haughtiness born from the knowledge of secrets unbeknown to her colleagues.

Well, surely that's a giveaway if you're just lording it up as you walk around the office, being all arrogant like, oh, please meet Spooner, James Spooner. He's new. Like, everyone's going to guess. He works in IT, everybody. He's just smirking.

And so it was. Spooner met all and sundry. From Jim Thompson to Gladys, the canteen dinner lady, who got a much-savoured peck on her wrinkled cheek. We haven't heard from Gladys before, have we? Are you thinking that she could also be a suspect? I feel like he's literally just adding in characters.

I need more women at Steeles. I feel like Gladys has been there for 150 years. I think it's fine. Very well bedded in. Oh, reckless and lazy. Say no more. Bella rose on her teetering stilettos as Belinda ushered James Spooner into her office.

Bella! How long's it been? Oh, since the wedding, I'd say. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Since she was getting frigged off in a church, I believe. She put her gooseberry yoghurt... Shut up.

..with papaya slivers... I just imagine that noise is coming from her office. ..she was eating down in a hurry. So it's a papaya yoghurt, really? Well, gooseberry with papaya slivers. Making it a papaya yoghurt. The slimy snack unfortunately... It's a yoghurt.

The slimy snack unfortunately slopped over onto the keyboard. She's so gross. Onto the keyboard. If she eats it off the keyboard, not only will I puke, but she'll die. The amount of bacteria in a keyboard in an office. It definitely didn't look professional. No. And Bella did so want to look professional.

Really? In front of Belinda and her new guest, James Spooner. Meet our international sales key account manager who likes eating yoghurt off her keyboard, Bella Ridley. Sorry, Ridley? Yes, surname. Isabella Ridley.

That's actually quite a nice name. Yeah, it's quite nice. Too nice for Bella, I feel. Hello, Bella Ridley. Nice to meet you. Miss Ridley, please. Pleased to meet you, Bella. Oh, no. Oh, sorry. That was a different guy. Just desperate to do the voice. Want to get in there. Pleased to meet you, Bella. Just call

me Spoons. Just call me Spoons. Just call me Spoons. I'll call you James. Or James Spooner. There's really no need to abreve at this stage. Belinda laughed as the flustered Bella shook his hand. Belinda went back to her office and picked up her phone. She quickly dialled James Spooner's desk phone.

He picked up his phone. Spoons, I'm going to have Bella and Giselle out of the office this afternoon so you can search their desks and stuff oh Belinda Belinda's not trusting anyone she's taking this investigation

very seriously James don't take it personally no I know but Belinda shows her true colours so quickly she'll ditch that gleety

as soon as look at them totally when you've done what you have to get Jim Thompson to drive you over to the pentra

you can then start to assess them both when they've had a few drinks down them. Ciao. She is selling them down the river. This is entrapment, really. Spooner grunted. Bit more Scottish on your grunt. Okay.

Much better, much better. Can I just smell the highlands coming off it? It's a bit Elvis. Spooner grunted, put the phone down and started to assess Bella's delicious ass. As she bent over the copy machine. Oh. Which had just jammed on her. Ah.

Sorry, it's like watching fireworks. Is that going to be the extent of it though? Please don't say that's the extent of it. It's a broken down copier. It's a broken copier. For fuck's sake. You were right. Oh my God, is Spoon's going to have to fix it?

Is that his first job? He's like, oh shit. Oh shit, yeah. And people get really furious if the printer or the copier's not working. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I help you, Bella? He crooned. He has got a lovely voice.

Thank you. Why, Spoons, said Bella breathlessly. That would be just wonderful. Bella He crooned He has got a lovely voice Thank you Why spoons Said Bella breathlessly That would be just wonderful As she unbuttoned a button On her button down silk blouse Buttons Phones

We're getting a lot of air time today We must stress to people Who listen to this podcast On the regular Because we don't want them To feel like we've sold out This episode is sponsored by buttons Buttons and phones

Buttons and phones What more do you need? I'm so sorry. We should have said that at the beginning. Full disclosure. You don't want ink to splash all over you. Not how photocopier works. I actually don't know how it works.

Well, it's not like a pen inside drawing what's on the page. There's not a person inside the box? No. No, I don't, Mr. IT man. And you should know. Know what? Oh, about getting ink all over you't, Mr. IT man. And you should know. Know what? Oh, about getting ink all over you.

Cos IT. Cos IT. Bella removed her bra. Why? Unbuttoned her miniskirt. What? And stepped out of her thong. What, she just got totally naked by the photocopier?

Did she think it was her clothes that were jamming it? I think she doesn't want to get any ink on any bit of her clothes. So step away from the photocopier. Don't get naked. Well, James, it's two solutions for the same thing. Spooner set to work investigating her from her toenails to her scrunchie. I thought you were going to say scrotum. I don't believe she has one.

Oh my God. That's not what Belinda meant about you can search through her drawers. From her toenails to her scrunchie. Why is she wearing a scrunchie? What professional business woman wears a scrunchie? Why is she dressed like Blossom? Don't, because she was my style icon for so long. Blossom?

Floppy hat and a big jumper. That was my go-to. She still is. She still is, yeah. Who's this based on? This is Jackie magazine. I respect though that he's investigating

every part of her because you shouldn't leave a stone or scrunchie unturned. Then what happened? I don't know what then happened. Gushed Belinda. What? Two thirds

of the famous Glee team were drinking the best Chilean Chardonnay in the Pentra Long Bar. Tittle-tattling is only they knew how. So Bella is telling the story in the bar. Right, yes. That's quite a clever narrative device. Don't say device. I don't think it's been executed perfectly, but yeah. So Giselle's missing we presume and bella

is spilling the proverbial beans uh to belinda right so yeah you're right james rocky has used a very unusual temporal shift there he's keeping the reader on their toes do you think he meant to no well i'm sorry to tell you He didn't get as far as fucking me Said Bella I wasn't devastated, but I felt let down Hungry is probably a better word Hungry for the Oh, hungry for the sex

That she was denied Plus probably actually just hungry She already had a yoghurt for lunch And she's put half that down herself Belinda nodded and felt strangely upset on Bella's behalf. Bella continued. Whilst dressing me, he asked a few questions about my visiting Europe, especially Germany.

Of course, I quickly filled him in on Jim Sterling and Hank Skank and how they were my key customer. Customers? Customer. To be honest, he sort of lost interest in me. I even had to button up my own blouse so she's like ready she's horny ready to be fucked and he's like so where you've been on holiday recently ever been to east berlin can you show me your latest invoices it doesn't feel very

subtle as a spy no no i would have thought better of spoons but maybe thought it's bella she's not gonna know either way right don't of spoons but maybe thought it's bella she's not gonna know either way right don't use your best espionage on bella true really strange belinda perhaps he's well different what does that mean what does that mean belinda nodded sagely and said i think you've hit the nail on the head bella he is different but so like us do you reckon he's bi oh has bella thrown that in no belinda to throw off the scent oh do you think because bella's so full of it that she's like no guy has ever turned her down i mean she was it was on a plate it was literally on the flat plate of the photocopier so she needs an explanation she's never done up

her own blouse in her whole life. I can't believe it. I would be surprised if she could button up a blouse. I bet it's always just like one button out. Do you know what I mean? So the bottom of the blouse is a bit too long. Bella knocked back her chardonnay and nodded at Paddy for a refill. Paddy's getting a lot of air time in these chapters.

Yeah. Keep your eyes on Paddy. That's what I'm saying. Do you think? Why are you fancying? Yes. Someone get his number, please. Do you think he's a Lothario?

He must get a lot. Barmen do well for themselves, don't they? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, clean up. But also, sorry, first male bi character, potentially? Potentially. I mean... Oh, yeah.

Although I think it is a cover. I agree with Al there. Yeah, I think she's just throwing Bella off the scent. Got my hopes up there. Well, you never know. That would be interesting though, wouldn't it? Because no gay male characters or bi male characters yet. Yeah, there's been no man-on-man action.

And I hope there never is, to be quite honest. I can't imagine that's something that my dad would go into, but who knows? I would love to see how accurate those dalliances are. Belinda, if he is, we could be in for one hell of a great six months when he's with the company. Why could she be in for a good ride if he's bi? I guess because they could have more adventurous sex, have more options. Right. Mix and match.

Mix and match. Belinda laughed out loud for the first time that day. What a sad, sad day. Belinda laughed out loud for the first time that day. What a sad, sad day. Belinda laughed out loud for the first time that day. Well, if he is bi, I'd love to see him handle Jim Thompson. What does that mean?

I don't know. Oh my God, is Jim Thompson a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets? Is he? Maybe he is. Because I would never have thought Jim Thompson,

is he Mr Fix It? Always the quiet ones, Alice. Oh, right. It was true. A hidden stress had been lifted from her. Spooner had obviously cleared Bella from being the mole by his subtle questioning of her travel details. Not so subtle.

So that's it? Bella's clear? I would wait for his report. Yeah. Suddenly, life was good again. No, but I think that's rocky deciding it's not bella all right oh i see life's good again for him because he's ticked one off yeah done i hear his tea being made i hear him being called i can feel it do you not agree do we think bella's in the clear i don't

know well who knows come on guys i'm just trying to take some people off this fucking list no i totally think he's lost interest in her, yeah. Yeah, Bella's not... Also, Bella just wasn't capable of it, I'm sorry, in the first place. Unless she was being so stupid deliberately because she's a special one, but even that's a stretch because she's so stupid. Yeah, the fact she was even a suspect is laughable. It's given me my first laugh of the day.

First laugh out loud of the day, please. Back in the offices James Spooner reflected on his very satisfactory interview Of international key account manager Bella Ridley I mean, I feel like I could be a spy Slapdash much So easy, right?

Also, she was just like, yeah, not been to Germany I mean, that's exactly what I would say If I did something dodgy in Germany Never been, mate, sorry Can't help It's like carter page in russia never been never been doesn't ring a bell she did indeed have a beautiful ass never mind her stunning tits but the best of all there was no way in his professional opinion she was the mole oh there you go james there's your verification she's clear Bella's in the clear guys Bella's off the cards

on reflection however oh god he'd been wrong before oh for god's sake so his professional opinion means jack all he's been wrong before why has he been hired

and would no doubt be wrong again oh great just what you want to hear from an undercover spy did he put that on his CV been wrong before will be again the rule of spoons here's my day rate wrong again. Oh, great. Just what you want to hear from an undercover spy. Did he put that on his CV? Been wrong before,

will be again. The rule of spoons. Here's my day rate. Take it or leave it. Maybe he was cut price. Maybe. But for the moment at least, Ms Ridley was in the clear.

That's not good enough for me. No. Sometimes I've been wrong and I'll be wrong again for the moment she's clear. That's fucking useless. I'm keeping her on the list now. But we just celebrated. I know fucking useless i'm keeping her on the list now but we just celebrated i know i'm not keeping her on the list it's clearly rocky like i want to advance the plot but i want to keep people intrigued and he's like he just doesn't know

what to do he's doing neither but you can't say oh it's definitely not her but it might be because i sometimes make mistakes it's like so it's not god i hate spoons and i hate rocky guys we all right we all make mistakes in life you know and we'll make them again we'll make them again his mind turned to blumenthal she wouldn't be the first mole to create a diversion which then quickly diverted suspicion away from her own activities. What? I think that sentence created a diversion. Well, she created a diversion that quickly diverted. Yeah.

They're the best diversions I find. He knew she was out this afternoon, so he got up and walked along the corridor to Belinda's office. Well, this is what a smart spy does. Just because she's hired him does not mean that she's in the clear. And she's new to the company, don't forget. Yeah.

Don't forget that, guys. Where are we in the timeline, by the way? How long has Belinda been at Steele's now? It's two days since the Assers and Donkeys Trust event. I reckon maybe like a good couple of months. Right. Maybe three months. Yeah, I'd say, yeah.

Yeah, enough time for someone to get engaged and married. Yeah, that's sensible. No, I think Giselle and Tony were engaged before. No, they weren't. They got engaged in book two. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, they turn the wedding around in, what, three and a half weeks. But I think that's fine.

People do that, right? That's incredibly reasonable. Yeah, that's absolutely okay. That doesn't scream visa at all. Spooner picked the lock with his trusty knitting needle way to be inconspicuous where are you going james oh me just little knit one purl one just a little bitch and stitch sesh quite a difficult tool to hide also very difficult to pick a lock with no it? It's very large, very thick. Yeah. It's like a chopstick.

Yeah. It's like sticking a chopstick in a lock. Shall we try it? Why would I think James would have a chopstick if he obviously had forks? Yeah, I don't have a chopstick. Spooner picked the lock with his trusty knitting needle and let himself in. He sat down on the big, black, faux leather swivel chair, which belinda loved so much don't worry about that you've not got that much time have a little rifle around and flicked open her file of facts

oh actually that's clever file of facts i mean how many times it's 2018 didn't you keep a paper diary till about two days ago me yeah never had a diary no were you the paper diary keeper that's not me there's somebody i know It's your one other friend. Well, there isn't anybody else, so it must be me, but I literally can't think. My mum and dad do have the master calendar in the kitchen. Do your parents have that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So everything has to go through the calendar in the kitchen.

Right. Even though they're both computer users, both have iPhones, but it's like, ah, I'm not home right now, so I'll have to wait till I can consult the kitchen calendar. Mum swears by that kitchen calendar. They take it on holiday. Eh? They do. They do.

It's a massive calendar. It's like Monet or something. Yeah. It has prints. And the house and gardens pictures or something. So they take it with them to go away. How else would you refer to it? It's a giant wall chart.

It's like a flip chart. But every day we just say, on holiday. Yeah. I mean, that bit will, but what if somebody wants to diarise something, you know, into the... Oh, right, for the future. There's quite a kerfuffle when they have to change over to the next year because they have to have two for a period. Oh.

They have to knock a wall down. They do. Pull some shelves down just to make room for it. He flicked open her file of facts. The week came into view. Using his eye holes. By turning the page. Paris.

Penelope Pollay. Didn't sound dangerous. Great way of assessing. Who is this guy? Spoons doesn't sound particularly threatening, does it? But he's an MI6 agent. Yeah, he's the roundest of the cutleries. Yeah, if you heard an intruder, you don't go for the spoon, do you?

What was Penelope Pollay again she was the daughter no she had a daughter that won best effort in the horse riding yep so what did she do oh she was um a french think, yeah. Five car. Saturday week came into view. 10.45am. Oh gosh. City airport. Flight to Scotland. Factory visit with the Glee team. Return Sunday, PM.

God, what a boring weekend that sounds like. Spooner's hackles rose on the back of his neck. Oh, he's got a hairy back. And all the way down. Blumenthal hadn't informed him of her little visit to Scotland. This was indeed a turn-up for the books. Why? Is that important?

Was she making contact with her handler? No, because she's going with the rest of the glee team. Here, at last, was a good, solid line of inquiry. I'm not sure about that. Clutching at straws much? He'd take the last flight out next Friday night and set up a little surveillance op. Oh.

Wait, I thought Belinda said that he was going to Scotland. And we all said, why does IT go to Scotland? He has access to go there. Right. But I guess because it's a factory visit, and that's where Slint's is, presumably, and that's where they're making the Trioxy Brillo range, why is she going up there when she hasn't told him?

Oh, Jamie, I don't know. Oh, my God. Here at last was a good, solid line of inquiry. He'd take the last flight out next Friday night and set up a little surveillance op. Excuse me? Should you be in here? Spooner immediately swivelled Belinda's big black chair

to face the door. First rule of spying, know your angles. And shut the fucking door. And face the door. A stunningly beautiful girl with a bit of a blonde crazy hairdo was facing him

hi Giselle Spooner blinked no that's the end of the chapter oh fucking hell so Giselle's caught him in the office

Giselle's smarter than Bella as well she'll smell a rat oh my god and Giselle's a Giselle's caught him in the office. Giselle's smarter than Bella as well. She'll smell a rat. Oh my God. And Giselle's a suspect, surely? Yeah. She's obviously going to be like, well, he's not just IT.

And what if she's the spy? She's like, go and knit this in the bud. What, and takes him out? Yeah. Just a pan across the head. Be so simple. A spoon to the spoon. Gouge out his eyes. A knitting needle to the temple oh don't

because that's probably lying across the desk yeah it's all it's all up for grabs isn't it i'm really hoping next chapter we're in scotland what is the next chapter called cricklewood pumping station of course it is it is of course it is, of course. Isn't Steel's Pots and Pans a pumping station in the sense that everyone's just pumping? Oh, yes. It really is. Like a knocking shop. Yes, quite.

I'm exhausted to think how many suspects there are. Well, there's Gladys in the canteen. Maeve on reception. Yeah. Bella in Key Account International. Yeah. Giselle. Yeah.

In Holland. And Belinda in everyone but what do you think I mean it could literally be anyone's game you get in touch with us we want to hear your theories

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So we'll see you next week. And you guys eat before because obviously I don't have anything in. Okay. I might have beans and black pudding and bacon and mushrooms. Yes. And tomatoes and granary toast and dumplings.