My Dad Wrote A Porno - S4E9 - 'Boy, She Can Can'

Episode Date: October 22, 2018

Belinda conducts a team meeting before taking a trip to Paris to secure a crucial client Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello guys, and welcome back to My Dad Wrote a Porno. We're on chapter nine. I've got Alice Levine. Hi, Alice. Hello. How are you? A little bit giddy. She is, isn't she?

She's had a little bit of bread. James, how are you? That Pret-a-Monday sandwich has gone straight to her head, hasn't it? That was the saddest dinner I've ever had. What was it? I just had an egg sandwich. So sad. Well, you're at James' house, so.

Yeah. However sad it was to eat it, it was much sadder to watch it. James, how are you? I'm good. I want to get straight back down to business. The rimming that we ended on last episode. Do you remember the rimming? Bloody hell.

Wow. I don't think it was specifically rimming that was mentioned. It was that he had a hairy bottom. No, she was licking his hairy bottom. She was rimming him. Your dad's introduced rimming into this book. I think she was licking the cheek. Across the crack or just one cheek?

I don't try and think about it that carefully. My dad wrote it. Are they crossing the line of longitude or are they staying on one side? I don't want to know. Where are they in relation to the Tropic of Capricorn? I think they're in East Berlin. I don't want to talk about it. Alice, how's your week been?

Where do you think he found out about Remy? Yeah I was thinking that And when he imagines it Is he imagining it as it actually is? Do you think he's imagining it like Jamie's imagining it? Or like it should be imagined? I'm not imagining it So are you imagining it James

As going entirely around the circumference of the anus And you go Round and round Round and round round and round and down clockwise or counter I imagine some kind of variation will spice things up

and keep it interesting if you know what I mean so do you think your dad likes it or he just was intrigued by it right for the benefit of the listeners of the tape whenever Alice does these

really annoying questions she goes completely dead behind the eyes it's quite an extraordinary thing to look at she just looks at me as if all life has flown from her soul it's like an investigation isn't it she shines a light in your eyes it's horrible and you do a great little diversion tactic so what are you imagining that he's experienced it maybe in his youth on his travels and he had a lovely time and he's bringing that back so what do we think this week's chat is called wow he's impenetrable unlike i'm like no you can't say rocky no stop it alice jamie she's had two fizzy waters she's offered it i think we're all old enough to talk about anal play okay so so what

just can enjoy do you think on a night time? I don't know. Maybe Rocky could enlighten him. Tongue all the way in or? Well, not... Oh, she's recoiling. Not nice, is it?

What's funny is we thought that Rocky was a tit man. He's not. He's a dush man. So, what do we think this chapter is called? I think it will be called

Around the Anus in 80 Days. I mean, we joke, but I am relieved. I'm glad we kind of touched upon that, so to speak, and we can move on now and think about something else. Right. Me too. Are you in a bad mood?

No, no, I'm fine. I just would rather start reading my dad's porn, which says a lot about the mood I'm in. About where your life's got to. I think it's called Gran Canaria. Oh my God, very close. No, joking. I mean, we've got literally nothing to base it on,

so it could be anything. I mean, the last one was Cricklewood Pumping Station. Athlete's Foot? I don't know. Chapter nine is called Boy, She Can can. It's the best of them all. Good God, he's good, isn't he? He's bloody good. So, Belinda Blinked 4, Chapter 9.

Boy, she can can. Can-Can. Zzz. Oh, God. Zzz. Hmm. A bit more. Zzz. What's happening? Is this still rimming?

They've picked up quite the pace. Zzz. Zzz. That's it. How are we spelling the noises you're making? C-H-U-U-U-U-U-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R. I would say that's more of a... The last one is just S-H-U-R-R. That's it. Belinda adjusted her webcam

Slightly Oh Like a camera moving Like a CCTV camera Maybe Oh maybe Right Belinda adjusted her webcam slightly

So she could see herself fully on the screen She nodded admiring her glorious full bush oh what's going on where's it focused on she can girl also who has a webcam they're fully integrated into the laptops these days thank you yeah you don't plug when i'm on a usb so she nodded admiring her glorious full bush I really didn't think she had a full bush. I thought she had kind of a landing strip situation. If that. She had decided to grow it out as a fashion accessory.

Oh, there you go. To her Parisian business trip. To her Parisian... Sure, I mean, don't dwell. Parisian? I don't think this has been booked in the diary before. I think this is a new trip we haven't had any information about. No.

Oh. Spooner saw in her diary that she was going to Paris. But it wasn't suspicious. When Giselle caught him. Yes. Right. And sorry, is the implication that French women favour a bigger bush? I think that's what he's getting at here.

Right. I'm not sure how scientific that is, but that's what he imagined. And she's managed to fully grow that out in what, a matter of days? Yeah. Back home, you name it. Ready to go. There is a bit of product in there, but otherwise it's all hers. Bit of moose.

She was, with clippers in hand, well blissful. She's clippering it. Oh, so that on camera. She was the clipper. She's not got a mirror. How full bush does she think she's using clippers? Proper strimmers as well. She put like a Nike tick in it.

But then her office was invaded with people. Don't do it in the office. Oh, brother. Her brother's there. Gross. Oh, brother. Belinda had forgotten all about the bi-daily strategy meeting with her RSMs.

Bi-daily? Is that twice a day? Or is that every other day? Is that bi-daily? Bi-annual is twice a year. So bi-daily is twice a day. How could you possibly forget twice a day every day? That's relentless.

You'd never have time to implement anything that you discussed in the meeting. No, you'd never have time to trim your bush on a webcam. Oh, she finds that time all right. Oh, okay, good. Come in, lads. No, sorry, in the middle of something. Hi, keep coming back in five. Private time, ladies' problems, bye.

Come in, lads, she said, brushing some pubes off her desk and pulling up her pants. Oh, God. That is honking. That is horrible. That's disgusting. It's not very professional. It's not very professional. It's not very professional.

I mean, but that died a long time ago. So, sorry, she was using the webcam as a mirror. Unless someone was on the other end of it, yeah. I don't know. Who? Like Vidal Sassoon? Beautiful. Nicky Clark.

Well, it's very Nicky Clark to grow it out. He's got a beautiful head of hair. For international listeners, he's an age-old hairdresser that I don't even know if still operates. He kind of had the Rachel from Friends look, didn't he? He did, didn't he? Before Rachel from Friends. She did so beloved dressing the troops. She saw herself as one of the greatest bosses in British kitchenware.

She's really narrowed it down, hasn't she? And never forgot her white collar motto life was great when you got what you wanted and helped others to do the same that's an amalgam of like other ones flabby as well isn't it she's definitely said the life is great one before yeah what was it again life was great when you got what you wanted and helped others to do the same. There's a nice sentiment in there. It's an advancement of when you get what you want, you feel great. Yeah, it's motto 2.0, isn't it?

Yeah, it's more philanthropic than the first time. Patrick O'Hamlin, regional sales manager for Scotland and Ireland. Speak. It's an unusual style of meeting. Patrick O'Hamlin rose to his cockles nervously. What are cockles? Selling cockles and mussels alive, alive, oh, alive, alive, oh, alive, alive, oh. What's happening? That's Miss Molly Malone. Oh, that's one of your dad's faves. Yes. Do you not remember when we did that trip to Ukraine and I sang it in front of

all those dignitaries? Yes, we were on an official delegation to Ukraine. Yes. And they asked for a traditional Irish song. Well, they asked for a traditional song of our homeland and seeing as Irish is my homeland, I sang... Cockles and Mussels. Molly Malone. But why do you know the words, James? It's a very famous song. Do you not know the

words? No. Alive, Alive Oh. Alive, Alive OhO. Alive, Alive-O. Alice. She died of a fever and no one could save her and that was the end. Oh, that was it, yeah. And that was the song of your homeland.

And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone. That's very sad. That's very sad. It's very sad. I quite liked it because it was about cockles and mussels, but it's not really about Vongole, is it? It's actually quite a sad tale. Patrick O'Hamlin rose to his cockles nervously. We have a slight issue with mullet supermarkets, boss.

Who? Mullet supermarkets. But they're one of our biggest regionals. Are they? What, mullets? Like the Manchester Evening News. Huge regional. What have you done, you stupid goon? Goon?

Nothin'. Nothin'? How are you writing Nothin'? N-O-T-H-I-N apostrophe. Nothin'. Also, I love it. She thought she was the best boss in kitchenware. What have you done, you stupid goon? Whilst she's shaving her pubes at the desk. Best boss

ever! They love her informal style. CBI, Business Woman of the Year, Belinda Blumenthal. What have you done, you stupid goon? Nothin'. Don't you sell me a dog, Patrick O'Hamlin. I demand to know the truth. Well, their account is 30 days

standard terms. They want 30 days standard terms they want 60 days standard terms to put us into prime spot it would be worth it but credit control aka Trevor fucking ditherhead sorry is his actual name

Trevor ditherhead or is he called Trevor and he dithers Trevor F ditherhead or is he called Trevor and he dithers? Trevor F. Ditherhead. Do we think that's his name? I think that might be what Patrick O'Hamlin calls him. No, that's such a rocky name, though. I wouldn't be surprised if he's called Ditherhead. It would be worth it, but credit control,

a.k.a. Trevor fucking Ditherhead, has knocked them on the nose. Not once, but twice. Right, what? What's happened? They want a 60 day term yeah but for a more prominent position in the supermarket why that would have any effect on your prominence in the supermarket i don't know but ultimately why do we give a fuck because this is the business of pots and pans i don't give a shit i don't i feel like I'm screaming into a void. Like, I don't give a shit.

Why do we keep hearing about it? And yet you keep returning every week. For four long years. I was a young woman when this began. But credit control, aka Trevor fucking Deva Head, has nagged them on the nose. Not once, but twice.

And I presume the opposition are prepared to do this to take the business. I don't understand. Patrick sighed. Yes. And what's worse, it's those Germans at Bish. Oh. Hairs all over Belinda's body jumped up at once.

And did the ones on the floor and the desk, did they jump up? Hair flying around her like in Matilda. In a whirlwind. I'm imagining them on the desk sort of just suddenly swirling and then writing like, no, run. Bish.

Exactly. 60 days. Leave it with me. She spoke. She spoke. She noised. Ken Dewsbury, regional sales manager

for central and north England speak are we going to go through all of them I fear we might twice a day twice a day

she's so rude it's like they're in the army yeah it is a bit isn't it I've got some clothes on for a start has she pulled her pants up yeah

she pulled her pants up oh yeah sorry silly me I'm a bit buggered boss I mislaid a shipment of couscous evaporators I'm a bit buggered, boss. I mislaid a shipment of couscous evaporators. I'm sorry. Of what?

Of couscous evaporators. Couscous evaporators. How do you mislay couscous evaporators? You'd spot them a mile off, surely. I wouldn't, because what the flippity fuck is a couscous evaporator? You just use a bowl and a teacup. I do. Yeah, do you?

Always. Or a plate. I'm a bit buggered, boss. I mislaid a shipment of couscous evaporator. You just use a bowl and a teacup. I do, yeah, do you? Always. Or a plate. I'm a bit buggered, boss. I mislaid a shipment of couscous evaporators so I'm down 643%. This is a comedy troupe of just absolute...

I can't work with you. This is really self-defeating, Des, if you're just going to lose stock. Yeah. At least give it away at a large event. And you were last month's top seller, eh? A lesson there for everyone, courtesy of

Ken fucking Dewsbury. Oh wow, she's really got to be in a bonnet, hasn't she? One day you're cock of the walk, the next you're feather duster. That's a lovely analogy, isn't it? That's a better quote. That's good. That's really good. One day you're cock of the walk, the next a feather duster.

Des Martin, regional sales manager for London and the home counties. Speak. I've got into the rhythm of this now. South-Eastern London sales figures are up by 217%, boss. Hello. Hello. Is this since this morning or since yesterday? What's the period of time?

I have no idea. That's like a stock market in there, isn't it? Yeah, honestly. Because 200%, that's pretty fucking good, unless they're talking about like in the last six hours or whatever. And Ken's lost 643. That's basically like Japan going off a cliff. I would say shut down his region, yeah.

Yeah, the FTie has fallen considerably. Because Yorkshire is one of the largest markets for couscous evaporators. They hate an undercooked couscous. South-Eastern London sales are up by 217%, boss. Oh, that is a happy cabbage. Why is she turned into a pantomime dame overnight? A happy what? Cab what cabbage a happy cabbage which

ironically you can actually cook in a couscous evaporator i think that's a saying isn't it that's like a saying a happy cabbage i've heard that before that is a happy cabbage i wouldn't hear that in a business meeting that's a happy cabbage des you get five minutes of what oh god what like of tonguing her or of like jabbing something in her or of like having her shaving her or something yes sir boss yes sir boss yes sir boss so she rewards the troops with increments of five minutes of sexy time well we don't know what the five minutes are but i would imagine yes what do do you get as punishment? Like if you 630, you get spared of her body maybe, I don't know. Spared of her body

I'd deliberately stop working. What do you think's happened with those 650 percents worth of couscous evaporators? He knows what he's doing. Yeah, Ken's like not today Belinda. Yes sir boss. Des Martin punched the air. Belinda unbuttoned her blouse and

pulled out one of her boobies. Oh, wow. That took James by surprise. Sorry, I'm allergic to boobies. That's so horrible, though. That sounds like she's going to breastfeed, pulled one out. Des pranced up onto her lap. Oh, no.

And started to suck. Slurp and nibble at her nipple like the pro he was. So the five minutes happens during the meeting they're busy people James now why does it sound so infantile why is it why is it

why is it jumped up on a lap like no but why is that the action I mean oh right yeah I know it's horrible pranced say that whole thing again Des pranced up onto her lap and started to suck, slurp and nibble her nipple like the pro he was.

He sounds like an overly confident, precocious toddler pranced up and got on her lap. And she's, was it popped her boobie out? And the boobie even. Oh, no, the boobie. Boobie, boobie. It's five minutes of breastfeeding, isn't it? Oh, God. Oh, I can't.ie. Boobie. Boobie. It's five minutes of breastfeeding, isn't it? Oh, God. Oh, I can't.

It's twice a day. Now, any more business? Belinda continued. Stop doing the action of her holding down to her teeth. You're doing a breastfeeding action. You're doing a nursing action. I don't know why I did that. Suddenly the rimming seems way more appealing.

Now, any more business? Belinda continued. Well, some business would be great. I'm just confirming the exact timing of your five-car hypermarkets meeting today. Snoozefest.com, said Jim Thompson. Yeah, that screams of Jim Thompson. Mr. Fix-It.

The Mr. Fix-It of the organisation. Fab dabby doozy, smiled Belinda. Busy, busy, busy. She's doing jackal. She's breastfeeding an adult. You're not that busy. Best boss in kitchenware. Am I right?

When I'm not breastfeeding Des, I'm shaving my pubes. I am swamped. The Paris taxi struggled through the evening traffic. Forgot they were in Paris. So what office were they in there then? No, that was at Steele's. There's been a dramatic fast forward. I'm sorry.

The Paris taxi struggled through the evening traffic. Tonight was her opportunity to bring on board one of the biggest retailers the world knew. Penelope Pollay was no slouch and Belinda knew all too well that new contacts were the blood of life for any sales girl the blood of life the blood of life was this written in French and then translated back by google translate so Penelope Pollay she met with the duchess and her daughter did well. Her daughter was in a show jumping competition and got A for effort but

came last or something. Yes. Opole wasn't at the dinner originally. No. They met her at the show jumping trials. But what was her significance? She runs five car. Five car. Instead of car four. Which is the actual one. He's not getting sued.

He's fine. Belinda was ready to trade. A simple long black dress with matching heels, purse and a sparkling necklace was all she needed. Classy for once. Yeah, it's not see-through or anything. And it's not exclusively jewellery. There's some clothing in there. She made her way through the opulent bar,

ordered a cocktail and waited for Penelope to arrive. A sudden lull in the bar conversation of ooh-la-la's. And hey-ho, hey-ho, hey-ho. Ooh-la-la. A sudden lull in the bar conversation of ooh-la-la's heralded the arrival of an exquisitely dressed French lady. Penelope Polley. We presume. She was wearing a daringly tailored pink linen suit with orange seaming.

That sounds... Wow, that is daring. Gaudy AF. Belinda immediately recognised her to be Penelope Polley, worldwide head of purchasing for five car hypermarkets. Important. Yeah, jokes aside, quite an important woman. They kissed in French fashion. Tongues?

I don't know what that means. One on each cheek or is it three? I think it's two in France, yeah. Well, French kissing traditionally is necking, yeah. Well, I wouldn't be surprised if they did that. They kissed in French fashion and Belinda ordered a French martini for Penelope. And some French fries.

That's like, what could be a French drink? Have you got any French fancies? Do you have any French dressing? They sat at the bar and chatted about horses, jumping and the steady progress of Penelope's daughter. If we remember correctly, it wasn't exactly steady progress, was it? It was neither steady nor progress. No, she got some award for like... Best effort.

Best effort, yeah. Which was quite a slap in the face, if I recall. Didn't she come eighth out of nine or something? Now, Belinda, I need just five minutes of your ear before the show to talk about our business opportunity. Five minutes? Oh, God, she's not going to breastfeed, is she? Said Penelope. Show? Stammered

Belinda. Please tell me we're catching a play at the Moulin Rouge. Oh, for fuck's sake. Or maybe we're seeing an exhibition at the Louvre. Or maybe we're going to the Seine. I've always longed to go and watch the Nicholas Dancing Whores.

You gotta love those dancing whores. So have I, to be fair. Ever since I saw that film. Do you really want to go? I've always wanted to go to the Moulin Rouge. Oh, you love that movie, don't you? I do love the film. So what is the actual place like?

It's tiny. I was there, I wasn't at the Moulin Rouge, but I was in Montmartre for my birthday. And it is honestly so small. I was there I wasn't at the Moulin Rouge but I was in Montmartre for my birthday and it's honestly so small I'd never seen it before. The Moulin? Well the windmill's small. I guess maybe the place is a bit bigger. Have you been in? No. But what does it operate as? Surely not a sexy parlour? It's still kind of like a burlesque thing

I think. Yeah. Penelope Pollay spat some of her very French martini into her glass. It's getting Frencher by the minute. No, no, no, you simple bitch. Oh, wow. I feel like they've met their match manners-wise. Someone's got Belinda's number for sure.

No, no, no, you simple bitch. It is all about la moula marron. The maroon windmill. The brown windmill. Gawped Belinda's perfect translation. Sounds like a toilet. A pissoir. So Penelope's saying you're a super tourist, this is where you want to be.

Right, exactly. Okay. Okay. The Brown Windmill. Yes, it was true. She'd never heard of it. Because it doesn't exist. Off the beaten track. So far off the beaten track, it's not even in Paris.

It might be in the Bonnier suburbs, guys, the suburbs. Now, the quality of the oxybrillo is good, no? Jim Thompson is the darling, and my people want to work with him. Where's this woman from? Is this from Penelope Pollock? It's spelt with a V. I want to work.

Maybe she's from... I mean, which side of France? The more Austria-hungry side. Jim Thompson is a darling, and my people want to work with him. But can you help us with some store merchandising, as you have absolutely no past record with us? What I mean is marketing support. You pay us to get your

pants in the hands of the housewife. Waff. The house waff. So, Steels provides

the product. Oh, James, I can't wait for this. Okay, go on, please,

because I need this. Go on. Steels provides the product to Car5, 5Car. 5Car,

yeah. But have to pay their own marketing costs to get them sold They'll get a prominent place within the store But then have to pay their own marketing costs Is that what it's saying? Why are you bothering? Because these are the bits that I think Rocky really thinks he's offering something

This is the business tips Oh right, okay, so So I'm just trying to get my head around it and we don't realize that businesses like steals have to pay their own overheads in that department is that what it's supposed to look there is no risk on the supermarket whatsoever the business probably is true and as i'm you know a chap reading this and you know wanking away to it that's definitely what i want to be thinking about when i'm thinking, oh, Penelope Polle sounds like a very sexy character. Oh, sorry, they have to provide their own budget for the marketing within the supermarket.

Alice, I'm sure many businessmen will be very turned on by that. Yes, maybe, yeah. Penelope, it's so refreshing to meet someone who asks for what they want and why. Oh, just get to the brown fucking windmill. What is this? Of course we can assist.

I can authorise 10% support here and now. Have we a deal? I can see the perfect clothes that you are offering me, okay? It is good enough to start a relationship, but we will... Where's Jamie gone? Keep negotiating. He really has disappeared into the wrong...

But we will keep negotiating, okay? She drives a hard bargain, doesn't she, Polly? Belinda downed her cocktail in one. Is hers just an English cocktail or is hers French? Can we talk about how Jamie loves saying France? Oh finally. What do you mean? Well you're from

the north of England. Yes. Manchester. Manchester yeah. So by rights you should say like me and James France. No the thing is

right I used to talk a bit like that when I was a kid but now I don't anymore. No I realise that but why do you now say when we

go to France? Because I just think I don't know I've been in London for a long time. Most of my friends are from the south. That's pronounced London. You've made yourself talk posh.

You have, yeah. I have, yeah. It's an engineered accent, I'll admit that. But all I would say is, when you engineered it. But isn't it a good one, guys? When you engineered it, there was a glitch in the system and it told you to say France. And that's not actually how southern people say France. France. It was fun. the system and it told you to say France and that's not actually how southern people say France France and the thing is I do

slip in and out of kind of long A's and stuff but you know but just to say nobody says France do I say France? you say in Germany in Spain in France I can't record this weekend I'm off to France I think I'm off to France this weekend

France France weekend France France France France France France France alright fucking hell

but I suppose the thing is with France maybe Rocky always wrote it F R W A N C E so you you had no chance he is very phonetic with his spelling

of all the foreign characters I'll give him that love being in France I love France France this time of year so french so french so france the newly minted business associates and blossoming best friends after 10 minutes talking about marketing took their seats in the privatized five-car corporate box of the moulin marin oh that's why she's pushing it, because they bloody own half of it. They're all going to be octogenarian

burlesque dancers, aren't they? It's going to be the down market. There's a reason it's called the Brown Windmill. Jamie used to have a coat that we called the Brown. I don't know if it started brown, but it was certainly brown by the end. No, it was a brown coat. It was rags. It was nice. It was rags. It was once nice. You used to sleep in it like it was certainly brown by the end. No, it was a brown coat. It was rags. It was nice.

It was rags. It was once nice. You used to sleep in it like it was a sleeping bag. Fuck, what is this? Like, attack Jamie, were you? You once slept in a bush in it, didn't you? Oh yeah, you slept in that bush in it. I didn't sleep in a bush with it

because I actually lost my shirt on that night out. So I slept in the bush topless. Don't you hate it when you lose your shirt on a night out? See, that was one of the worst nights of my life. I slept in an out-of-season rhododendron bush in Park Lane. Topless. Topless. Anyway, it was this coat he'd had for a hundred years, I can't remember.

It'd been passed down through the generations. It was an old coat. It was an old coat. There were holes in it. I was like, get a new coat. I've got a particularly good picture of you in it. Because it was, was it, in my mind it's made up of the pelt of different animals but was it not it's mainly like old horse i think there's a bit that's otter though because there's a bit that's

longer head yeah a bit of us a little bit of bear oh my okay fine i'm not known for my fashion i'll give you that if you've ever seen the BBC this is niche but the BBC adaptation of Narnia it looked like Jamie Jamie was one of the beavers now

I'll just show you James because this really will bring it to life for you so this is essentially what it was wasn't it

oh my god it was didn't have a hood but like in the body it was ever so warm guys whatever happened to it I binned it because you you it was didn't have a hood but like in the body that's definitely it was ever so warm guys whatever happened to it I binned it because you you literally gave me

I got a real complex about it actually good you made me feel awful so I did bin it yeah that's the brown anyway we're in the Moulin Marant

please should we have a moment of silence for the brown to the brown to the brown I miss that awful coat I don't the long legged dancing girls were as stunning

as at the neighbouring establishment, beginning with the French word for red. We can't mention it here for fear of litigation. Even though we've just mentioned it earlier in the chapter. Is that stated because people say people at the brown windmill, not as attractive, not as leggy not as maybe buxom but please don't fall for that

because it's just as good but they are absolutely just as stunning so the long-legged dancing girls were as stunning as at the neighbouring establishment beginning with the French word for red and the years-old choreography was timeless perfection years old the Charleston

you know Belinda you can call me Pippi was timeless perfection. Years old. Years old. The Charleston. You know, Belinda, you can call me Pippi. I've literally never seen anything like this. It's transformative, isn't it? Madame, it's so nice of you to come all the way from France to see us. Penelope is a bit formal and right now it is what I truly am. Penelope is a bit formal and right now it is what I truly am.

Penelope pissed. I mean, French people don't really say that, but yeah. Also, she's getting older by the second. Honestly. She's drifting from us. She's getting pissed. Come back to the light, Penelope. So pee-pee because of her initials.

Exactly. Brilliant. Brilliant. People call her pee-pee. That's what they call her. Initials. Exactly. Brilliant.

Brilliant. People call her Pee Pee. That's what they call her. All of a sudden, every light, candle and mobile phone went out in the moonlight. Oh, come on. Every phone. Are you fucking kidding me? Every candle? Well, candle's fine, but how are you switching off everybody's phone?

Like, everything's connected to a different thing. So how could they all go off in unison? A ghost. Everything's connected to a different thing, so how could they all go off in unison? A ghost. All of a sudden, every light, candle and mobile phone went out in the Moulin Marant. It was as black as the skin of an aubergine. So purple.

And no one could see a thing. Because it's dark. Aubergine's eggplants for the... For the yanks. Then a spotlight, as hot as the dancing girls, swooshed upwards. Oh, it swooshed. This is like the start of Moulin Rouge, where Nicole Kidman sings Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend. I bet you. And does she come from the roof?

Yeah, on a swing. I feel like I've seen the picture, yeah. Any resemblance to any other work is absolutely by coincidence. Any resemblance to any other work is absolutely by coincidence. What gets us around it legally? If we say it's a pastiche or if we say it's an homage? I think we can say today that Dad's never seen it, so there's that. From the roof, a huge ball made up of a thousand and one balloons. A thousand and one!

It's like a children's party. Tied together with licorice shoelaces was lowered downwards. This sounds dangerous. I mean, they've got absolutely no strength in them, a licorice shoelace. The audience was silent. Sorry, the ball is made up of the balloons.

I imagine it's like a net of balloons. Oh, I see. The audience was silent, wondering what it could all mean. I'd be like, why the fuck's my phone not working? I want to take a picture of that. Just as they were wondering what it all meant. As they had been, just a moment to go. So a chubby arm stuck itself out of the bunch of balloons. Chubby arm stuck itself out...

Of the ball? ...from the bunch of balloons. Chubby arm? Whose chubby arm is it? It was holding a very massive... A very massive surprise. ...and pointy carrot. What the fuck is going on?

Oh my God. I can't even laugh at it now because it scares me where his brain goes. It's so weird. The meaty arm... The meaty arm! ...quickly popped one of the balloons. With the carrot? With the carrot.

Yes. And in doing so, revealed a bit of wobbly flesh to the whole Moulin Marron. Who is this? Who is this lovely, squishy lady? Could be a guy. Could be a guy. I'm presuming lady. The audience applauded

and just as they did so, the arm popped another balloon revealing a hunk of thick thigh. We're going to be here a while because there's a thousand of one of them. Little bite-sized pieces of ham. Ham! Cheese. What?

And baguette rained down on the congregation. Hang on. James, it's your perfect night out. Why? Do I not go to the moon on my own? Raining ham. You're just going to be like, ah. So they filled each balloon with ham, little bits of ham.

Bite-sized pieces. They're basically canapes, but deconstructed and then scattered from above. By an extremely large woman, by all accounts. Well, yes, yes. Well, she definitely has a chubby arm and a chubby leg. I don't know how Popping One Balloon is revealing so much of her when she's in a ball made of a thousand, but still. Apparently Popping One makes her entirely visible.

A little midnight crudité for the angry mob. It's not really a crudité. Sorry to interrupt, but it's not little midnight crudité for the angry mob it's not really it's not really a crudité sorry to interrupt it's not really crudité what's yeah crudité is like a vegetable you dip in a raw veg yeah so that's cheese ham and bread isn't it spoke penelope with the knowledge famously not the knowledge she spoke without the knowledge or the authority. As more balloons were burst, more bits and bobs of food. Oh, God, scraps just raining from the fucking roof. Showered the watching men and Lady Mortu. Guys, this one's lamb chops.

Sorry, men and Lady Mortu. Who's Ladychops. Sorry. Men and Lady More Two. Who's Lady More Two? Sorry. Showered the watching men and Lady More Two. Who's, sorry, who is this? Two is spelt T-W-O. Lady More Two. Lady More Two. Does that mean there's more ladies and men by two?

Oh, maybe. No, because it's T-R-O. Yeah, More Two. No, it's T-W-O. Oh, More Two. No, he's too distracted by the ham we've we lost him from that point on so say how much cheese there is so am i right in thinking that each time they burst a balloon there's a different type of food so they've just done the ham cheese and bread one there's going to be one that's got I imagine like trifle profiteroles profiteroles there's going to be one

with gravy steak tartare I mean you name it this one's eggs oeuf for all some salad pédicordine oh my god I also

I know I'm a big eater but I wouldn't eat anything that was coming out of these balloons oh god no it's been sat forever but if you're really drunk

like that is such a welcome reprieve, isn't it? If it fell in my mouth, then I wouldn't... You'd chomp a bit. I wouldn't seek it out, but if it did fall in my mouth, I would masticate it. You'd just eat it.

Yeah. They guzzled their finger food, all the while whooping at the striptease above them. Eventually, the last balloon was popped. I'm presuming that had like some little truffles or something in it to finish the meal. Some after-eats. Yeah, lovely.

Some carambar. French sweets. Oh, we get it. You spend time in France, we get it. French sweets. Sorry, some French sweets. Oh, there's just some sweets from France. Don't go on about it.

Eventually, the last balloon was popped. Eventually, the last balloon was popped and the most plump, roly-poly babe was revealed in all her glory. That's a really luscious description, isn't it? She was so big, she indeed resembled a balloon herself, thought Belinda a bit meanly. That is a bit mean, Belinda. But she didn't mean it to be mean. She didn't mean it to be mean, Belinda. But she didn't mean it to be mean. She didn't mean it to be mean. Her thought. No.

In fact, Belinda had not blinked for the duration of the performance. But she never does. There's nothing new there. She'll get a ham in her eye. She was transfixed. Mesmerised. Awake. Pee-pee. Who the fuck is that yummy, scrummy, wrecking ball of a woman?

Jesus! Not a compliment. Why, she is the one, the only, Mistress Sweet Juice. Mistress Sweet Juice. That's going to come back to Horners. And she has requested a private audience. Let me fucking guess.

Bullshit. Why? Why has Mistress sweet juice even heard of Belinda Blumenthal? She hasn't. Belinda blinked. I just don't believe this. And hasn't. Belinda blinked. I just don't believe this.

And that is the end of the chapter. Fucking hell. So Belinda's about to have a roll around with the roly poly woman. Mistress Sweet Juice. Mistress Sweet Juice. Sweet Juice. No, Juice. Sweet Juice. No, honestly, that's, I mean,

it's going to be seconds into the next chapter before the sweet juice is coming out of the sweet juice. We know that. We know that. Do you want to know what the next chapter's called? I dread to think. Do we think Mr. Sweet Juice could be like the special one or something? Because that's gone off the boil again.

Thank God. I think when Dad does plot, it gets really boring. When sweet's gone off the boil again. Thank God. I think when Dad does plot it gets really boring. When Sweet Juice goes off the boil though it's really not nice. Oh God, it gets very... Heady. Heady, very high. Yeah, do you want to know

what the next chapter is? You keep trying to tempt us with that. I'd rather not. I'll be off. No, go on, tell me. Clit talk. Oh, for fuck's sake. Clit talk with Mistress Sweet Juice.

Not quite Jackanory, is it? I can't think of anything worse. James, for fuck's sake. Clit talk with Mistress Sweetjuice. Not quite Jackanory, is it? I can't think of anything worse. James, have a word. With who? Mistress Sweetjuice? With somebody. You're the voice of reason in this whole thing. The book's written. There's nothing I can do. So, clit talk. I think we got quite

a lot of business in that chapter, though, didn't we? Did anybody can-can? I think the dancing girls maybe with... The age-old timeless dance was the can-can. Yeah, exquisite as it was. Has he ever been to Paris? Has he ever been to France? France. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, we spent a lot of time in France as children. So actually we'll find a lot of cultural accuracy in there. Like a Thor Bush, exactly. Yeah, wonderful. Okay, well... I forgot she shaved her pubes at the beginning oh yeah seems like a lifetime ago

doesn't it do you not remember oh oh yeah nothing like starting a chapter with a sound effect I wouldn't blame anybody if they didn't come back

no to be honest but if you really want to we'll be here next week we will for porno day if you'd like to get in touch in the meantime, maybe you've shaved your bush at work

and you have some interesting tips and tricks. That is mydadwrotepornogmail.com if you'd like to email us. You can tweet us at dadwrotepornogmail and we're on Instagram as mydadwrote. Yeah, if you'd like to send us any pictures of your shaven bush. Which Instagram will immediately delete and probably ban you for life. And we're on Facebook and you can join

the mailing list at mydadwroteporno.com And a big thanks to ACAS for hosting this podcast so until next week à bientôt Bonsoir Gross

Oscar winning.