My Dad Wrote A Porno - S5E1 - 'The Aftermath'

Episode Date: September 9, 2019

Jamie, James and Alice are back to open book five of Rocky Flintstone's erotic magnum opus 'Belinda Blinked'. After a devastating explosion in the Steele's Pots and Pans car park, it's time to find out who has survived...Come see us on our 2020 World Tour! Tickets available via mydadwroteaporno.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Previously on My Dad Wrote a Porno My name is Giselle Mars Charkover de Klotz and I am the special one. Giselle grabbed

the hapless slints by the armpits, bundled him over her shoulder. Really? Bloody hell. She is athletic though, if we recall. And staggered out of the sash window with original glassware. Everyone scattered just before a massive explosion ripped through the car park. Tony's jag had just gone up in smoke.

Oh my God. As the members of the Confidential Order of Cookware Knights lay on the ground, bleeding profusely, Belinda blinked. It was just enough to see a hazy figure running away from the explosion. Then, the fearless international sales director of steels, pots and pans fell unconscious. Precious. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. It's book five.

Alice, James, how are you feeling? Oh, it's bloody good to be back. It is. It's so exciting, but why are we in a cupboard? Well, this is because we've had to have an unfortunate relocation. I'd say it's more than a cupboard. It's a walk-in wardrobe. It's a walk-in wardrobe, you cheeky bastardin wardrobe you cheeky bastard yeah it's very clueless many thanks do these rotate they don't but they did uh automatically pick this outfit for me what do

you think of this oh i i think you need to reboot the software oh right okay is it the is it the choice on random mode for sure it generated the top and bottom on different days. Yeah, you'd think by book five we would have kind of upped our game a bit. But no, we've literally moved from one room into a cupboard for better sound. Yeah, there's like a weird children's party going on next door. So they're being very loud and playing Rihanna. It's a school. It wasn't a girls' party.

It was a school. Does it feel appropriate that they were dancing to work? Yeah. It's not about like working your booty or something. I don't know. A dutty wind. Maybe it's got a great moral at the end of the tale. Maybe they're sending them into work.

Girls, you've graduated from school. Head into the working world. That's what it is. It's very empowering, James. There you go. Have you two started packing for the tour next year? Packing? Packing?

James, it's September. We're not going until January. That's true. That's true. If you haven't heard, we're doing another world tour in 2020. Yeah, we've got never before heard material from the master Rocky Flintstone himself. And you'll never guess what it is, guys. We are celebrating Belinda's 30th birthday.

Dirty 30. Dirty 30. We are throwing the biggest, most raucous birthday party for Belinda's 30th birthday Woohoo Dirty 30 Dirty 30 We are throwing The biggest Most raucous Birthday party For Belinda It's going to be

Insane If you've ever been To a friend's party Where the next day You've woken up And been like Oh god What happened there

Obviously I haven't Because I don't go to parties But I've heard about them This will be One of the first parties I've ever been to Yeah And stay the whole night for it.

Oh my God, I'm going to stay for the whole time. What the hell goes down at a Belinda party? I mean, I think cock straws are an absolute must. I mean, cocks are an absolute must. Maybe cocks and straws. Hundreds and hundreds of cocks. I mean, I would say there's going to be a fancy dress theme, but just naked. Yeah, probably, yeah.

Those people coming around shooting like tequila in your mouth with those water guns. Except it's cum. Oh God. Well come on. It's going to be disgusting. It really is.

You have to come. I think people should come dressed up for it as well. It is a party. Come in your finest apparel. The theme is

dress to impress. What would Belinda wear? Actually not what would Belinda wear. No not what would Belinda wear. No, definitely what would Belinda wear. Should we do keys in a bowl, but with the audience? So, Alice, where are we going?

I know where we're going. Don't pretend like I don't know. Australia. Australia. And New Zealand. And New Zealand. A few dates in New Zealand. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Only because we want a holiday. You guys like the wine, so that's why we're going there. Then we're off to America. I will give you £100 if you can name one place we're doing. Boston. What venue? The Boston Velodrome. Why didn't you say Radio City Music Hall?

Oh, yeah, shit. It's quite a big one, Al. And then we're doing Europe and the UK and Ireland, which is still Europe. I mean, not technically, But the less said about that The better At the time of print Was that satire?

I mean it's just going to be A fun night out Apart from anything else Yeah And if you do come this time You're going to be Very very important To the show itself

Yes But not in like a weird way Like we're going to drag you Up to the stage And do a magic trick Or something No water tanks Or anything like that

No no no It's just going to be One big party Yeah So if you want to come join us Just go to the website Mydadwroteaporno.com Forward slash live and do a magic trick or something. No water tanks or anything like that. No, no, no. It's just going to be one big party. Yeah. So if you want to come join us, just go to the website, mydadwroteaporno.com forward slash live.

All the tickets are on sale. All the dates are there as well. All the dates are there. Some are sold out, so you've missed your chance. Sorry. And some are going really fast, so get in there quick.

I think we're doing meet and greets as well. Yeah, we are. You can actually meet us. And met and gret. I don't even really want to meet or greet either of you. But guys, we really shouldn't be laughing too us. And met and gret. I don't even really want to meet or greet either of you. But guys, we really shouldn't be laughing too much because it's serious. Oh, sorry.

That's really disrespectful, actually. Yeah. The world of Belinda Blinked will never be the same again because we left it, well, in chaos. In rack and ruin, maybe. A bomb exploded

in the Steeles Pots and Pans car park just minutes after the formation of the Conf order of cookware nights slash cock. There was a full cock in the car park. There was, yeah. And, of course, the official mascot slash travel companion of cock. What, Paddy the Barman? Toffee Apple Chew. Oh, and Toffee Apple Chew.

Toffee Apple Chew, yes. The official transportation of cock. Exactly. Well, actually, I've come with surprise content guys oh people posted their theories on reddit about what might happen in book five so i thought we could go through some there's gonna be some bat shit stuff on this list okay great i doubt any of it even touches the sides of dad's brain but yeah i'll start with the first one willations says, at least one person will have died in the explosion. A death.

Oh my God. I don't know if I'm ready for a death. A death's not really... Sexy. A boner generator, is it? No, that's true. But they are novels. It can't all be sex.

They're not novels. Alice, think of the orgy at the wake. Oh my God. Fabulous. Lovely. Do you know what? If there is a funeral, Alan Carr will be back. We are gathered here to remember the death of someone that is yet to be revealed.

Tony and Belinda will finally get together to help him recover from Giselle. Of course, Giselle was revealed as the traitor. Oh, fuck, yeah. That's still going on. Tony's single. Cool. Spooner and Belinda might become an actual couple. So wait, Tony and Belinda will finally get together. Spooner and Belinda might become an actual couple. So wait, Tony and Belinda will finally get together

and Spooner and Belinda will become a couple. Yeah, this is all the same person. They haven't really thought this through. I love this. The Norse gods will feature more heavily than Tony. They already do, actually. Tony's hardly in these books. Belinda and Bella will become more of a duo than before.

Ciara and Montague will join the Glee team. Oh, that's good. That's good. That's a space. Yeah, there is. Where is she? She's not still in the flat, is she? Someone tweeted, it's been one year, six weeks and two days and Chiara Montague is still locked in Belinda's flat. Oh, Chiara!

I like Albert's theory. Nobody died in the explosion. In fact, it was just a flat tyre. I mean, it's entirely possible that Rocky's forgotten about the explosion. And someone just said, the return of Donna. Doubtful. Heather Louise has gone further than just predicting that someone's died. She's predicted who's died.

Oh. Sir James Godwin. Oh, no, I quite like doing his voice. I mean, he didn't have much puff left in him, did he? Yeah, he was on his way out, for sure. I think it's Toffee Apple, too. I'm just going to put it out puff left in him, did he? Yeah, he was on his way out for sure. I think it's Toffee Apple Chew. I'm just going to put it out there.

No, we've talked about this. It can't be. I'm going to say I think Bella. I hope Bella, sorry. If it's Bella or Toffee Apple Chew, consider me, this is, I'm handing in my resignation. Oh, wow. And it'll just be the two of you.

Oh, you put them on a par. A horse who we've just met and Bella. Okay, well, there's only one way to really find out for sure. It's gonna be shit. It's gonna be shit. People are gonna love us singing again. That's a given. Okay.

Belinda Blinked 5, chapter 1, the aftermath. The aftermath. She could hardly see from the brightish white. It was hard to adjust to. Hang on. Has that come? Oh my God. No. She's got jizz in the eye. How did you know so quickly that's what it was it was hard to adjust to but the breeze was warm and the clouds were fluffy i was gonna say how's the breeze sorry just want to stop you jimmy what temperature is the breeze please what shape are the clouds oh fluffy sure but the breeze, please? What shape are the clouds? Oh, fluffy, sure.

But the breeze was warm and the clouds were fluffy in between Belinda's bigger than average toes. The clouds were between her toes? Does that mean she's got her legs in the air, upright? It was exactly as she had always imagined it to be like. What? No! Is she in heaven? She's in heaven! She's in heaven!

She's in heaven! Biggish, goldish gates. Oh, fuck off! Fuck off! If she gets dragged from the gates of heaven back to earth, I'm going to freak. She's not in heaven. She's not in heaven.

Biggish, goldish gates. Biggish, goldish. Harps and harmonicas. She didn't imagine harmonicas. Just because Rocky plays the harmonica. Shut up. She's at a Flintstone Christmas party. She is.

What's more, the place was a hodgepodge of bums, boobs and balls with not a fig leaf inside. What? Where is she? What is this heavenly orgy that she's at and they were all there who everyone whoever was oh i'd wait i cannot wait for the roll call of names i cannot wait for who he thinks we care about her having seen she could see her grade three bassoon teacher. Oh, shut up! She could... Grade three! No. She could see...

Not just bassoon teacher, because she had a different one for... How many bassoon teachers were there in her town? Oh no, sorry, you're on grade four now, my darling. You'll have to call Derek. Onwards and upwards. I'll miss you. Oh my god. She could see her grade

three bassoon teacher, Mrs. Huddlesbird, knocking... Huddlesbird. Huddlesbird. She could see her grade three bassoon teacher, Mrs. Huddlesbird, knocking back shots with Nelson Mandela. Oh, my God. Come on.

Rocky, behave yourself. Behave yourself. Oh, my God. Behave yourself. Oh my God. Huddlebird and Mandela together at last. A duo we never knew we wanted. Oh my God. Does that mean in heaven Mandela's playing bassoon? What an image.

Maybe she's teaching him green trees. Well, it would have to be. She can't teach anything else. Mandela. Mandela. Vodka or tequila. I hope they're not involved In the bums boobs and thighs Or whatever it was

Yeah So Mrs Huddlesburg Was knocking back shots With Nelson Mandela Freddie Mercury Was teaching Amber Lynn The Charleston shuffleback Come on

And Dick Van Dyke Was humming alone By the loos Dick Van Dyke's dead Dick Van Dyke was humming alone by the loos. Oh, Duke Van Dyke's dead. Duke Van Dyke's alive. He's alive. No, he's not. He's sent him to an early grave.

To be fair, he is nearly dead. Is he honestly not dead? He's still making films. He's just in Mary Poppins. He's doing his Mary Poppins. Oh, my God. Well, in Dad's world, he's gone. And he's alone.

He's not actually dead. He's just not with anyone. He's just in the corner. Surely in heaven you're always with people. Yeah, your loved ones. Why is Nelson Mandela drinking with some random bassoon teacher? Oh my gosh. Not with Winnie.

I really hope that's not a premonition about Dick Van Dyke. And each one as naked as the day they died. As the day they died. So did they all die naked? Or you mean they're all as naked as the day they died? So if you were fully clothed, you're fully clothed. If you're in the shower, you're naked. Possibly, possibly.

Well, that's embarrassing. Yeah. What if you unfortunately died in your sleep and you sleep naked? You've got to be naked for the rest of time. That's impetus to be a never nude, isn't it? Never take anything off. Their joyous flesh now glowing with moonshine and sparkles. But suddenly she was falling.

No, this is what I said. Don't. Don't have like an image of heaven and then she's dragged back. I won't have it. Falling through the clouds and down. Well, I hope she really hits that ground. Down. Down and down.

She had unfinished business yes belinda blumenthal international sales director of steels pots and pans was after all to live so rocky's imagining it that god's gone it's your time now and then gone no you're so important you've got such an important calling i going to put you back down on earth because Lord knows. I mean, I don't know what will happen without you. She's that important. She better have a purpose at some point. Pots and pans. Clearly.

She hasn't earned her big bonus yet, so. Connecting her sense glands to her eyelids. I'm not even, shut up. Shut it. Belinda stirred. I'm not even looking shut up shut it Belinda stirred havoc was what they would have called it once upon a story time bodies were everywhere

the fizzing bits of tarmac and smoking deck lid of Tony's jag were scary oh fuck so we've already lost something the jag the travel perks. They're up. Got the bloody window.

Sprawled on the fizzing tarmac, Belinda squinted and blinked as only she knew how. We all kind of know how to blink, don't we? 704 miles east was starting to snow. Oh, that's all we're getting? So Belinda's alive. That's all we know so far. So we're in Germany.

Giselle Sylvester and her two hired goons pulled Professor Slintz across the Bish multi-storey office parking zone. Oh, because we saw him being kidnapped. Yes. Or being at least, you know, bundled. Well, yeah, she dumped him with Bish. And Bish was like, I asked for the blueprints. And she's brought slints with her.

Oh, fucking hell. Okay. Werf in den Koffermann meins Mercedes. Giselle rasped in rough German. Very rough in your case. Or throw him into the trunk of my Mercedes. So unnecessary. My accomplice is flying in tonight

and we shall have the trioxy brillo range secrets by tomorrow. Accomplice, do you remember when the bomb went off there was a shadowy figure running away? It wasn't Giselle then? Because I assumed it would be Giselle. I don't know why. No, because Giselle, I mean, you can never quite predict the timeline of Rocky's books,

but I always assumed, because there was a scene playing out as the cock scene was playing out. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So she was already out. Yeah. Yeah.

There was someone else involved. Alison got fucking clipped. No. No, yeah, I remember. So there's someone else involved. Yeah. Who could have been at cock. Who set off the bomb.

But wait, who do you think that is? You think someone we know? I don't know I literally know as much as you You know more than me Come on She smiled thinly And thought of Hair Bish's next down payment Umbrella drinks danced nonchalantly across her twisted mind

What do you mean? Umbrella drinks? Oh like Drinks with umbrella Little pina colada Right That's what she's dreaming of That's what she's dreaming of What do you mean? Umbrella drinks? Oh, like little pina colada. That's what she's dreaming of. That's what she's dreaming of.

A drink with a paper umbrella in it. With my million euros, I'm going to buy a sex on the beach. At that exact moment in England, Belinda staggered to her feet amongst the smoke and dry ice. Dry ice? Shut up. It's Phantom of the Opera, isn't it? I love that your dad thinks in laboratories and stuff, all that stuff that's bubbling, he's like, dry ice again?

It's like, no, that's actually stuff that they're researching. Dry ice. Was the Duchess destined for the morgue and toffee apple chew the dog food factory dog food they don't put horse in dog food wait they don't make

dog food by going to sites of explosions and scraping up the remains do they do you remember that scandal where there was horse meat in like

ready meals yeah in lasagnas and things wasn't it in some well known meatballs as well toffee apple chew I love those meatballs

I love those meatballs. I love those meatballs. We all love those meatballs. Not anymore. Was the Duchess destined for the morgue and Toffee Apple Chew the dog food factory? Only time

and some rather sharpish cardopulmonary resurrection would tell. What does that mean? CPR. Oh, shut up. Has he written it in full? Cardopulmonary resurrection resurrection that's not what it

stands for i think he means resuscitation not resurrection resurrection is what belinda's just so only time and some rather sharpish cardopulmonary resurrection would tell i worry when you get it that quick james how do you know that that means means CPR have you got he's trained look at him he's at his training have you done it A don't you think I worry as much as you do

and B it's book five don't you feel a bit more like you know what he's getting at I feel like I should I'm glad that I don't have you done

CPR training yeah I think I have actually yeah did you do it with the dummy yes did you kiss the dummy yeah and you have

to do it with the it was his first kiss Alice one of the best dates I've ever been on laughed at all my jokes The dummy? Yes. Did you kiss the dummy? Yeah, and you have to do it with the... It was his first kiss, Alice. One of the best dates I've ever been on. Laughed at all my jokes. You have to pump their chest to the tune of Staying Alive, to the rhythm of Staying Alive, not to the tune.

Do you have to get it out of Spotify then? You get it out of Spotify, you leave them for a second, load up Spotify. No, it's just to the rhythm, so it's like... Ha, ha, ha, ha, Staying Alive, Staying Alive like that feels a bit tasteless that that's the song i know yeah that is the perfect rhythm for maybe you're willing them to stay alive maybe that's the point oh so it's part the rhythm part positive mental attitude exactly yeah the lyrics have a role to play out this it's not just you know arbitrary as sir james rose to his toes. Oh, well, he's alive. Toes!

Maeve was heard howling hysterically. Oh, Maeve is alive. Oh, I'm so happy Maeve is alive. I so remembered she was even there. He manfully helped up the Duchess. Oh, phew. But her trusty

soul sister Stallion had had as a lot of animals do the sense to gallop away from the bomb area yes that horse is a fucking genius he's like i'm not fucking sticking around here and runs off. He what? He just ran off. Galloped. And was now picking her way through the human debris back to her mistress. Toffee, how about you use a girl?

Yeah. Oh gosh, how very patriarchal of us to assume it was a man. Yeah. I mean, boy. I mean, man. I mean, horse. Man, horse.

What is a large female horse called? Is it not a foal? Or is that a child? Not a child. A child? Child? Like a baby horse. A is that a child? Not a child. A child? Like a baby horse. A ewe? That's a female sheep. Not what I asked.

Like, a male is a stallion, right? Oh, Dad didn't know that because he said, trust your soul sister stallion. Soul sister stallion, maybe that's what it is. Maybe that's what you call them. Okay, I'm just going to Google it. Yeah, we should know that. What? A mare. Oh, an absolute mare, yeah. She's an absolute mare.

An old mare. I prefer Soul Sister Stallion, to be fair. Soul Sister Stallion is a great band name. So, it had the sense to gallop away from the bomb area and was now picking her way through the human debris back to her mistress. So there's human debris? The Duchess collected her blown-to-bits reins and calmed her

by saying, Oh, Tacky, thank God you're not extinct. What did she call it? Tacky. Tacky? It's capital's T-A-C, lowercase Y. I like that as a nickname. Tacky. So the mare's fine, but the reins are burnt

to tatters. Blown-to-bits, yeah. That's weird, isn't it? What a strange combo. The flesh of the horse fine, but the reins absolutely destroyed. Well, it has to be one way round. Amen. Oh, tacky. Thank God you're not extinct.

But who here is? Show of hands, fellas. Me, I'm dead. I'm dead. Also, you're like rolling on the floor in agony. You're not going to be like, sorry, didn't head count. Me, I'm dead. I'm dead. Also, you're like rolling on the floor in agony. You're not going to be like, sorry, didn't head count. Yeah, I'm good. Show of hands, fellows, C-O-C-Ks.

Cox. Cox, if you will. Sir James shook his head and said, Gertrude, it may be too late. Gertrude. Who's Gertrude? Is that the Duchess's name? The Duchess. She has a name. Gertrude. I never thought she'd be a Gertrude. Who's Gertrude? Is that the Duchess's name? Duchess. She has a name. Gertrude. I never thought she'd be a Gertrude.

He's just picked that out of the air, hasn't he? He's not given that any thought. Who? Dad or Sir James? Your dad. It might be Sir James's concussion. That might not be a name at all. Gertrude, it may be too late.

Reminds me of the day when I lost Annabelle. Not a time for stories, James. This reminds him of the airplane issue. Yeah, well I guess his wife died, didn't she? Yeah, but not in a massive explosion with like horses and stuff. No, but death is death Alice. I'm sure when someone dies it brings back all the memories. Sure, but I think if someone dies

in a parachute jump, which we presume he wasn't present for because she jumped. Not quite the same. They weren't in tandem were they? Well they might have been that would have been awful wouldn't it what and she broke his fall oh god

she was the rain she was part of it but he was fine I can't breathe that's what Annabelle would have wanted it really is to be the cushion

for your husband's landing I imagine he's quite big as well, Sir James. I have that image that he's quite... Portly, yeah. A buffoon. She should have survived if he wasn't 20,000 stone. Exactly. Reminds me of the day when I lost Annabelle.

I'm truly devastated. I love this car park. That's such a great dad joke, isn't it? Not an appropriate time, but a great delivery. Already over Annabelle. Checking for death... Jeff, anyone deaf? Checking for death, they looked through the fire and saw Belinda stripping off.

The Duchess boarded Toffee Apple Chew and rushed over. Boarded? Like a staircase comes down? But also, how big's the car park? Just walk over. It's not a fucking IKEA car park. Oh, IKEA. The Duchess boarded Toffee Apple Chew and rushed over to not miss the show. But it wasn't a sexy sight. Belinda's taking off her bombed rags

and the Duchess is like, oh, I could get a bit of nip here. Toffee Apple Chew, away! Inappropriate. Hi-ho, Toffee Apple Chew! Hi-ho, tacky. But it wasn't a sexy sight. Well, no.

Belinda was using her white bra as a bandage over Des Martin's effusively bleeding head. Oh, God. He was in pain and crying a bit, actually. Of course he was. He's always crying. That's the thing. He maybe just stubbed his toe. You'll be okay, Des.

It only looks like a surface wound. You'd think there would be other items she could take off before the bra Yeah, like her skirt Or her jacket Yeah Like her pants Like Father Like Son Oh God, don't

You'll be okay, Des It only looks like a surface wound Besides, scars are foxy enough to entice even your wife back. Not the moment. Wow. He blew a titter through the river of blood pouring down his face. Yeah, sounds surface, yeah. River.

Thanks, Dr. Belinda. Deep within Hairbish's schloss. What's a schloss? I don't know. Just Googling it. S-C-H-L-O-S-S. Schloss What's a Schloss? I don't know Just googling it S-C-H-L-O-S-S Schloss Is it Schloss?

Castle German castle So he's got a big ass castle He's got a castle Like an evil character In a fairy tale or something In East Berlin Yeah

Many castles in East Berlin Cheap property Deep within Hairbishes Schloss Tucked away In the mountains I love that he's just putting that effect on it. He doesn't know how to say it,

but he's just trying to make it a bit more dramatic. Slosh. Slosh. Slosh. Deep within Hairbish's slosh. So delicate. Tucked away in the mountains. The mountains.

In the mountains. Giselle was writhing on a rug of the fakest ferret fur. Now, which one do you want? We've got a fake, quite fake, and then the fakest, which weirdly is the most expensive. Give me the nylon. Au naturel, of course. She's au naturel.

Okay. No, that's not au naturel. That's very fake. No, that's the fakest of the fake. Her dastardly accomplice dragged his half-rotten lower leg into the room. Though hidden by a loosely fitting multicoloured robe. So he's got like a Technicolor dream coat on.

Bish and his Technicolor dream coat. This isn't Bish. Oh! This is the top secret accomplice. Sorry! I'm not following at all. How am I then? So wait, do we know anyone with a gammy leg? No. Maybe they were hurt in the explosion.

Yeah. Jamie's just agreeing. He's got no fucking idea. Yeah, that sounds plausible. At this point, we're just clutching at anything. So anybody that puts something forward that's vaguely logical. But he's an idiot though if he gets blown up by his own explosion. Stays with it till the last minute like lighting a firework.

The worst accomplice ever knew i should have got that extra long fuse jumping to her knees giselle shook her boobs as juicy as a couple of kumquats oh tiny though because kumquats are wee are they yeah very small really downgraded the pomegranates about that size oh god oh are they really that's maybe you mean the nipples were that okay but they're quite bulbous then, if that's the nipples. Too big for nipples, too small for tits. That's a kumquat. And invited the man to drink from her feminine slit.

Oh, feminine slit. That's one of the worst we've heard. A feminine slit? Feminine slit. I'm happy with that. What? I get what he's saying. It's not too repulsive.

Slit. Slit. It is a slit, isn't it? get what he's saying. It's not too repulsive. Slit. Slit. It is a slit, isn't it? Isn't it? I wouldn't describe it as a slit. A feminine slit? Well, yes, indeed. Drink from it, though.

Drink what? She invited the man to drink from her feminine slit. He politely declined. I'm good, thank you. How do you politely decline? Oh, no, thank you so much. I'm fine. Typical of a man.

But he had done the dog's leg of work today, so she opens the fabric and took his own penis out and stuffed it into her mouth. Wow, we went every tense there, didn't we? What? I don't understand that at all. What's the dog's leg of the work? Um, the dog's leg of the work.

It's like the dog... That is a phrase, isn't it? Dog leg just means it's got a bend in it. The dog's leg of the work? The dog's leg of the work. It's like the dog. That is a phrase, isn't it? Dog leg just means it's got a bend in it. The dog's leg of the work. There's a phrase with dog, like something about the dog's something of the work. It's amazing how it- Dog's share.

The dog's share? Dog's share. The flat share? The lion's share. The lion's share. It is amazing how he makes you even forget the real phrase. Okay, so let's interpret this so she so he had done the lion's share of the work right today so she opens the fabric of his trousers we presume of

the multi-colored robe that he's wearing um and then took his own penis out his own and stuffed it into her mouth oh lovely it tasted of french mustard take it out immediately but it could have been worse so peppery and a bit vinegary in between mouthfuls of male membrane that's worse than feminine slit i was arguing membrane membrane is so like jelly oh i was thinking like kind of that just feels like a weird barrier, like a weird kind of like sort of cellophane-like sheath. Has he got a condom on? Oh, maybe. He's pre-sheathed.

What? Sorry, I zoned out a bit there. He was saying a prusheth, pre-sheath. Right. In between mouthfuls of male membrane. Oh, scoop after scoop. She asked him how his mission had gone. How's mission? Like a dream, a special one. She asked him how his mission had gone. How's the mission?

Like a dream, a special one. What accent is that? I'm just playing with it. Manchester, it's where I'm from, actually. Why are you doing that? Just to mix it up. Oh, you've just decided. Oh, yeah, it doesn't say in the book.

I just thought I'd do... Is that okay? I'll allow it. It's amazing when someone does an accent from the place they're from that's so inauthentic. Honestly, I thought it was from Liverpool. I used to actually speak like that, which is more worrying. The boy that learned to speak pretend posh.

Channel 4, 9pm. Like a dream, the special one. The car bomb worked just perfect. That bitch Blumenthal went down like a sack of spuds. And a little sidekick Martin had definite shrapnel wounds. Oh my God. I think the people of Manchester are going to be furious

that this person's been cast as Manc. Oh yeah. Giselle grinded her teeth in hatred. She'd show that pumped up bitch who was in charge. Fucking hell. Belinda. Then she remembered the cock in her mouth.

Whoops. Forgot myself for a sec. She continued to give the man a deep, wet blowjob, spitting throthy slobber on the shaft and rusty head. Rusty head. Oh, God. Someone's getting tetanus. Do you know what?

This is why... You know, we're so excited about coming back every time, and this is when I'm like, no, that's why we've been away. Can we talk about rusty head a bit more? we i mean we probably should head being the the the bell end sure what do we think he means by rusty please maybe he hasn't used it in a while right okay or or could be the color color the color rust. Why is it golden? Flash. Copper.

I don't know. I'm just throwing things out there. Or verdigris. Why is it green? Maybe it's the taste. Maybe it tastes the rust. Metallic. Which would also be unusual.

Couldn't see much of you, Tony, though. My twat of a brother. This is the secret brother. This is the secret brother. This is the secret brother. Yes. Family, he thought. Oh!

Oh? Oh. Oh. The brother from the wedding. Hang on. Hang on. That's why it's rusty. You haven't used it in a while.

It's very, very old. I said that and he had the leg he had a limp yeah that bamboo cane but why does he want to come back

to seek revenge or to kind of sabotage everything for Tony and why is Giselle because Giselle acted like she'd never met or knew nothing about him

so right this either means that Bish has oh my god I'm so confused I think that Bish yeah is Oh my God, I'm so confused. I think that Bish is the mastermind, right? And he's got the brother because he's inside.

That is the best mole ever, isn't it? The brother for the MD. I think someone between Bish's organisation and Steele's are related. Wait, was the brother presumed dead? Yes. And he worked in like... Was he in the army? Yeah.

He was a veteran. An undercover, like a Navy SEAL or something like that. Do we know the brother's name, by the way? I can't remember. I think it was George. George, yeah. So I think that Bish needed somebody that Tony trusts. So the brother.

But the brother's not done anything so far. Like Giselle's the one Tony trusted up until this point. Wait, maybe he wants Tony dead. What? Because why would the brother care? Hang on. Oh my God. Right, hang on.

Sorry, I think I just stopped caring. Yeah, I've realised I've got better places to be. It's so funny. It takes you so far and then you're like, nope. You have maxed out your interest in Belinda Blink. This is your brain reminding you that you don't give a fuck. So it was all about Tony in the first place. Well, I don't know.

Why would it all be? No, because the blueprints, all of that shit. Tony doesn't care about that. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, of course. The only way we can find out is by reading on, apparently. I mean, I don't know how else we're going to do it. God, okay, right.

Yes, family, he thought. Family. reading on apparently i mean i don't know how else we're gonna do it god okay right yes family he thought family with a bit of luck they're all dead it was clear by his words that he had not even a half moment's remorse for pushing the mobile phone button of devastation all those miles away so why was he so close to the bomb if he could remotely control it by mobile phone? No, but he's not hurt his leg in the explosion, don't forget. Yeah. Sorry, yeah, that's true. But he was running away from it quite close.

Maybe he had to check that they were all out in the car park. Behind a wall. So stupid. But Georgie. Georgie. We didn't want that just yet, did we? Giselle slurped. I forgot she's still got the cock in her mouth.

George Sylvester blinked. Oh, he blinked? Yeah. Everybody bloody blinks. Just as his eyes flickered. Thick, lumpy semen. Lumpy? Shouldn't be lumpy.

Rocky, what is wrong with you or with the examples of semen you've seen? Like, what are you looking at? Lumpy semen from his rusty cock. Maybe that is what happens, actually, if you haven't used it in a while. Yeah, it's like congealed. Thick, lumpy semen dribbled out of the slit of his dick's head. Dick's head. Look at the slitty dick's head there.

What's dribbling out of the slitty dick's head? Slitty dick's head. He's absolutely obsessed with slits, isn't he? From the tip of your toes to the slitty dick's head. I've had it up to the slit of my dick's head. So many uses, I feel like. So good. Back in Bloodbath Land.

Bloodbath Land! Very sensitive reporting from Rocky Flintstone here. Spooner had just arrived from a spot of duty free shopping what? he went to the airport for duty free shopping

oh no he flew back from Scotland and also Heathrow I guess it's not far from the office oh that's true that's where they go for lunch it's their Westfield basically isn't it yeah he was aghast at the sights

and smells of slaughter and the diminishing benefits of tax free produce in equal measure. It is shit though, isn't it, Judy? Oh, pointless. Fully pointless. In the name of Her Majesty and the realm, what the fuck has happened here?

A bomb. Someone set it off and then left, said Des Martin, now using Belinda's ample breasts as a makeshift travel pillow where's he traveling to heaven oh all right but there's been she loved it how is he so sure that someone set off a bomb and that it's not just a kind of factory explosion yeah well would your first assumption be that it's an attack i don't know though because like it's a pots and pans company no but given the current climate, the spy and everything.

Yeah, they know that Giselle's turned on them. They know that Bish is after their produce. I wouldn't be like, they've left the gas on in the canteen. Do not think. What's her name? Doris. Ethel.

Ethel in the canteen. She's overcooked the sausages. Again. Am I right? Am I right? Said Des Martin, now using Belinda's ample breasts as a makeshift travel pillow. Classic hit and run. Spooner nodded.

Not a hit and run. That's not what a hit and run is. It's not a classic one either. Classic hit and run. Must be working for Giselle. She was always number one on my suspect list. Why didn't you say something sooner? Spooner

Classic I told you so when you've never voiced it before Probably an insurance motivated assassination attempt on her husband Tony Oh for the insurance money He's quite the detective isn't he when he wants to be on Spooner Suddenly he kicks in All this conjecture. He's loving it. Only need a bomb to go off to suddenly start doing your job.

Sorry, is this the exposition recap bit on any drama? Previously on Belinda Blinked. Probably an insurance-motivated assassination attempt on her husband, Tony. Belinda looked across the car park

and shrieked, God! Tony! Are you okay? Oh my God. Tony nodded, barely a scratch on him. Okay, so Tony's fine.

God, even bring himself to go, yeah, I'm fine, just a nod. Tony nodded, barely a scratch on him. I don't think it's about insurance. The Duchess's voice floated down from a top toffee apple tube. Get off the horse, come on. It's just riding around the car park.

Doing dressage amongst the bodies. Skipping over things to make sure that she gets extra points. Using them as hurdles, not okay. You don't, man, he responded. Eyes skyward into her own. No, we had prenup, remarked Tony. Sorry. We had prenup. Kanye prenup, remarked Tony. Sorry. We had prenup.

Kanye West. Remarked Tony. Nobody says we had prenup. With a side smile. Did you have prenup? We had prenup. We had prenup. Remarked Tony with a side smile.

So fucking dumb. Sir James high-fived Tony's palm like the devious old chap he was. I'm sorry. I presume many of their colleagues are dead or maimed all around them. And they're high-fiving. And they're high-fiving.

They've not called the authorities. They're not running around trying to put bandages on people. But Linda did put that bra on Des Martin's head. Yeah, but what about all the people from the fucking factory? What about Ethel? The Duchess is galloping around. No.

No. This has to be connected to Bish and the blueprints. Blinda is so fucking basic, isn't she? Hair Bish wants us all dead and gone. But why? But why? It's why C-O-C-K is so important. Are you sure you're all accounted for?

Huh? Spooner interrupted as he mentally counted the alive folk about the crater. The alive folk? Crater? Bomb. Bloody hell.

One. One. Two. Three. Four. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Five. Six.

Six. Seven. Seven. Wheat! Where's eight? Where's Bella? No. No.

No. No. No. Yes! No. No. The assembled humans looked at each other horrified. No. Come on. Bella was nowhere to be each other horrified. No.

Bella was nowhere to be seen. No, come on. No. Toffee Apple Chew cried as she stood up on her back end legs, nearly knocking the Duchess clean off. How does Toffee Apple Chew know that it's emotional to say, Bella? Like, how does the horse know?

Very emotionally intelligent animal, though. Spooners wrap around shades, suddenly flicked into infrared goggles. Oh, that is so up-close. No, they didn't. No, they didn't turn into infrared goggles. Turned into. What did they do?

I missed that. I was laughing about wrap around sunglasses. They turned into infrared goggles. Spooners wrap around shades,. It turned into infrared goggles. Spooner's wrap-around shades suddenly flicked into infrared goggles. And he scanned the wreckage. There she was. Don't. The inanimate body of Bella Ridley.

Don't. Engulfed in smoke and flame. Okay, I feel really bad. I feel really bad for wishing her ill. My eyes are welling up. The surviving members of COC flooded to her with Belinda screaming. Bella! Bella!

Someone call 999 in the instant! shouted Spooner as he began trying to punch the motionless key account manager's heart back to life. Punch it? You don't punch it. You don't punch it. You're going to break her ribs. Staying alive. Ha, ha, ha, ha, through the tears.

The Duchess flipped open her Motorola, dialed and spoke. Sorry. Why couldn't this have happened half an hour ago when they were standing around working out what had happened with the plan? Sorry to interrupt, but did anyone else have a Motorola Razr?

Because I used to. I imagine that's really thin flip phones. You thought they were so sophisticated, didn't you? Yeah, they were amazing. Could store up to 10 texts. Did it? Belinda, through tears, set about kissing Bella with air. Their lips had been friends for so long.

But never before had it been so vital to feel her back. Belinda Blue, spooner punched. They're doing all the wrong things. Are they trying to kill her? Because they're achieving it. Belinda Blue, spooner punched. But Bella remained lifeless as siren sounds filled the airspace. She's going to be black and blue by the time the ambulance arrives Do you not care?

She's going to gasp for breath in a second And she's going to go like this I thought I was a goner Are you all going champagne? Guys, what happened there? Shall we go to the pub? Oh, there's some Anki doctors here. Something going on?

I'll give it two minutes. But Bella remained lifeless as siren sounds filled the airspace. Enjoy this respite. Honestly, you'll be wishing her dead in about five minutes. And that is the end of the... Oh, come on. Okay, sorry.

I feel responsible because I predicted this. I didn't really wish this upon her. Yeah, Alice, you fucking jinxed it. I'm so sorry. Because actually, I hate her, of course, as many do. I mean, many of the listeners, you know, load that voice as much as I do. No, I think most people actually really love her. No, I've got a small coterie

of people who would agree with me. But the thought that we've heard it for the last time is, well, devastating. Bella can't be dead. I mean, guys, look, she's obviously a really key cock because they didn't realise

she was gone until they got to eight. Maeve came before her. Oh, my God. That is quite sad, though, isn't it, if Bella dies? Well, if she's's dead she is up there with lest we forget

Nelson Mandela and Dick Van Dyke who's alive and Mrs. Tuna Chunk or whatever she's called can you tell us what the next

chapter's called is that going to give us some sort of clue do you honestly both think that she's actually dead I don't think no I think I think you're right

I really really can't see him killing off bella the next chapter is called beep beep there was a heartbeat well at some point maybe they just when you disconnect it then does it beep you have to come back next week to find out it's fucking good I mean, I don't really get what's going on. No. I mean, like, literally zero sex, apart from someone holding a cock in their mouth,

a rusty old cock. Yeah. And punching her boobs. Punching her boobs, sorry. And using it as a travel pillow. Yeah. Actually quite a lot when you think about what carnage it was. So please do come back next week to find out if Bella is dead.

And hopefully find out a bit more about this huge conspiracy yeah because that's actually quite a lot of information for rocky for a chapter a lot has happened actually yeah you're right that was really good i almost don't care about the sex anymore that'd be so great if it just stopped being a sex book that would be amazing you please you don't want any more slits i don't want any more like if i see another slit i've had it up to the slit of my dick said with slits I literally have literally have so yeah

what do you think is Bella dead what's going to happen next what are your theories now we know a little bit more you can get in contact with us via the usual channels Twitter at dadwroteaporno

Instagram at mydadwrotea or if you have more of a lengthy essay to write mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com I'm not going to lie I am worried about her fate so maybe we should make some preparations just in case so if you want to send us any memories you have of bella um some special words a eulogy perhaps you're planning her funeral and you don't even know if she's dead please do send them in and and you know perhaps

we'll do a footnotes on them or a special service of some sort. Bella Ridley in memoriam. She needs to be properly remembered. She does. So this only feels appropriate. So please do. Could very much still be alive. This is very telling of James. I just think, you know, she needs a proper send off. So come back next week.

Porno Day is back. Oh, I feel good. Yay.