My Dad Wrote A Porno - S5E2 - 'Beep...Beep...Beeeeeep'

Episode Date: September 16, 2019

The members of the Confidential Order of Cookware Knights hold vigil at Bella's bedside as she fights for her life. Is this the end for her?Come see us on our 2020 World Tour! Tickets available via mydadwroteaporno.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Picture this, you're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's virtual care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to my dad, a rotate porno, Alice Levine, James Cooper. How are we? How have your weeks been? I don't know why you're so cheery. I'm so worried. Why? About Bella. Oh.

You just look at him trundling in like we don't care in the fucking world. I've just been looking forward to seeing you both. But yes, you're right. We should be mourning. He's the kind of guy that would laugh at a funeral isn't he no respect although i had actually entirely forgotten yes gosh i hope she's okay yeah no you don't you hope she's dead no that's more insincere than me come on um yeah you're right maybe we should think about um the passing of bella well but actually james premature yeah but isn't the chapter title something like beep beep beep and a beep suggests a flat line to me so have you been in mourning all week have you had the black armband

on black armband I'm dehydrated from crying have you refused to enjoy life this week I'm not eating I'm not taking in food nil by mouth nil's been a really traumatic week. So you're not dating? Oh no, he's still dating. Nothing will stop that. But as you two, Jamie I've never seen you in a jazzy-ish shirt. Alice has got a fucking red clip in her hair. Oh, very nice. That's what she would have wanted.

She's a very glamorous, is slash was a very glamorous woman. I agree. I don't think she would like you mourning in this way, James. I think she would want it to be, you know how those people say, when I have a funeral, I want a carnival. You know, they're quite- Celebrate my life. Don't celebrate my death.

Exactly. They are quite annoying, those people. But I do think that Bella would be that sort of- Who says have a carnival? Well, you know. Have a carnival. When I die, set up a carnival. When I die, big wheel, please.

From Make Me in Rio. Actually, James is the kind of person that would say have a carnival. I mean mean he's the kind of guy that had a nine-piece brass band at a birthday that was in a room that i would say is four square foot okay right people jumping off the balcony to escape the noise so i was recently out of a relationship and not feeling very good so i splurged on this band which yeah everyone then fucked off out of the room they played for like an hour like brass band versions of like the prodigy and for like an hour and a half. Because it was so loud. Like brass band versions of like The Prodigy. And like, it wasn't Africa by Toto. It was so good.

And everyone left. It was such a waste of money. A nine piece. That's quite a lot. In hindsight, nine. They go to Glastonbury with nine. So it was probably a bit over the top. It was an orchestra.

But yes, back to the matter in hand. Quick of hands great for a podcast who thinks bella's dead you both think she's dead we both put our hands up for for the benefit of the team okay think or hope because i just heard bella dead and put my hand up change the tune from last week because you both were pretty adamant by the end that actually this was just a big rocky ruse i suppose i hope that he's got the gall got the uh the chutzpah to actually follow through because it's quite exciting when people kill off big characters in fiction yeah and he has been cock teasing it for a while hasn't he don't say cock tease in relation to death slash your dad have a heart as, as Emma Thompson would say. Just trying to kind of, you know,

lighten the mood a bit. Because, you know, Belinda nearly died in a car crash. She didn't nearly die. It was a flat tyre. He's teased it before, so maybe he's finally going to follow through. He's cried wolf too many times. That's what I'm saying.

Okay, are we ready? No. This could be it. Stop smirking. I'm sorry, I just find it hilarious that you're this invested. Just rewind four years. The thought of you being this upset about anything that happened in these books ever is laughable in itself.

If she is dead, God forbid, can you promise me that there won't be any flashbacks where you do the voice? If it's posthumous, can we have a normal voice? The prequel is being written as we speak, Alice. Okay. Belinda Blinked 5, Chapter 2. Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep. every card wearing member of the confidential order oh they make cards do you mean card holding why are they wearing their cards badge wearing card holding not very confidential if you're literally wearing your card that's true many That's true. Many issues. Every card-wearing member of the confidential order of cookware nights were there. And Paddy the barman. Why is he there? I'm sure he's in the confidential order.

I'm sure he was at that meeting. He was, but he was just there to supply the drinks. Light refreshments, etc. So he's got high security clearance, but he's just not a cock? He's never been a cock. Okay. There, gathered in preeminent

mourning of their fallen comrade bella candida candida candida ridley isn't that a yeast infection is it is it isn't that i thought it was a brand of sugar isn't it canderel sorry isn't it like thrush candida one sec it's either that or a sugar replacement are there other names that he means candice candice yes of course um it's a few letters yeah it's pretty much thrush so honestly so thrush is a medical condition in which a yeast-like fungus called candida or candida albicans overgrows in the mouth and throat so yeah bella thrush mcgee or whatever her surname is bizarre but nothing new there you can pass it on to your baby by the way um i also have no doubt that bella would have had thrush at some point

the stuff she sticks up there you can avoid candida or candida um by changing your underwear daily and washing underwear in hot water. That can destroy the fungus. Or by blowing her up in a bomb. True. That'll get right rid of it. But does that mean her parents thought it up? Maybe, yeah.

But not knowing what it meant? Maybe. Maybe they thought it was like a nice Spanish or French name. Candida, it's quite a nice name. I know a candida. Oh, you do? I actually do know a candida. Well, there you go. Well, then maybe it's candida then. I love nice name i know a candida oh you do i actually do know a candida well there you go maybe it's candida then i love that subtle change of pronunciation is everything with these

names oh i know candida i don't know well but i just thought actually i don't know if it's spelt the same but yeah a candida are you serious you realize you're pretty much saying the same word? But wait, so one is thrush and one is a girl's name? I mean, you'd just avoid it, would you not? Sometimes, Alice, I think you're just being pedantic. Okay, so you know a... What is it? Candida.

Candida. Extremely different to Candida. Candida. Bella Candida Ridley. I would say relegating all of that discussion to the bin. I think I've wasted a lot of people's time there. Hey, we've filled a few minutes. Am I right?

The sporadic beep, beep, beep of Bella's lifestyle monitor. Live support, Rocky. Lifestyle monitor. Just checking how you're living your life. Not sporadic. Very, very consistent. Beep, beep, beep. Nothing sporadic about it. Very, very consistent. Beep, beep, beep. Nothing sporadic about it.

Yeah, if it's sporadic, pull the lever. Beep, ba-ba-ba, boop, ba-boop, ba-boop, ba-ba-da, boop, boop. She beeps as she lived. Very, very erratically. The sporadic beep, beep, beep of Bella's lifestyle monitor were a toxic reminder of the lives they newly valued in light of the flagrant commercial terrorism of the week before.

She's on life support. Looking deep into Bella's eyelids, Belinda. I don't think that needs a comment. We know what we're laughing at. If you know, you know. Looking deep into Bella's eyelids. Well, you've got no choice really, have you? Because actually,

they say when you're in that kind of state that somewhere you do appreciate people being there. And you're not going to just not go in because your eyes are closed, are you? No. Hearing's the last thing to go, apparently. Is it really? So keep chit-chatting.

Looking deep into Bella's eyelids, Belinda wiped a salty tear from her cheekbone, knowing the day had dawned. She clambered onto Bella's gurney. What? And tossed her tresses back to the past. Behind her, I guess. What are tresses?

A hair. A mane. Oh, okay, right. Lo, my fellow C-O-C-Ks. What a miracle we've all escaped the hue and cry of the car explosion. Well, except for dearest Bella, who is this moment under me, unconscious on these disposable sheets of a hospital bed.

Sorry, she's doing this rousing speech, straddling her. Who at this moment is suffocating on my buttocks right underneath me. She's going to wake up, isn't she? She's going to wake up with her on top of her. That's my prediction. But we will not go down without fighting back. And I, Belinda Blumenthal, the leader of us all, has a plan. The woman could have averted all of this

if she hadn't just stopped to give a blowjob to james spoon unless we forget yeah but that's like saying franz ferdinand's assassination kicked off the first world war i mean there were other factors at play you know was the blowjob the straw that broke the camel's back you know it feels like it would have happened blowjob or no blowjob you know you can't not to compare belinda was the black hand In this situation Yeah Not to compare Belinda noshing down To Franz Ferdinand But I feel like

There is an allegory there Yeah No There's so many comparisons To be drawn So she has a plan anyway This leader has a plan She's Elizabeth Warren

She has a plan for that That'll do well If she's still in the primary I knew you would You are loved What is going on? Is that Paddy? Said Tony, pretty sure that she was heading straight into a pay rise.

Oh, surely the last thing on your mind. I have procured a safe house and the anciently housemaster of the keys will be the newly acting protector of all cock members. I mean, I hate to say something obvious. That's bad English, for starters. The anciently. Anciently what? The Anciently Housemaster of the Keys.

The Anciently Housemaster of the Keys. I don't even know where to put the emphasis because that's not a sentence. The old bloke who carries the keys. Is that what you mean? Well, Housemaster of the keys is capitalised, if that helps you decipher this anymore. Sorry, the anciently housemaster of the keys. Yeah.

The anciently housemaster of the keys. Anyway, so sorry. She's procured a house. A safe house. Where the fuck has she procured a house from? And when did she do that? She's been very busy up until now. No, she's had a week.

She's had a week, to be fair. To procure a house You've just tried to buy one It's taken your fucking age I've been trying to buy a house For at least six months Don't get too excited though Because

She's probably just got like A one bedroom bed sit That they've all got to sleep in Yeah Or it's just a room at the pentra Probably So I have procured a safe house

And the anciently house master of the keys Will be the newly acting protector of all cock members but who is this bloke can we trust him demanded des martin still in stitches what laughing i think literally he's as happy as alice about bella's death said des pissing himself the housemaster of the keys or monty to his friends had recently taken voluntary redundancy on the basis of rapidly diminishing results coupled with a hostile corporate climate technically he was still on the steels pots and pans payroll and sir james never a fellow to lose a deal threaded the twine of functionality through the loophole of business

and demanded his return to the front line of kitchenware preservation. Was that one sentence? Wow. Whoa! Thank you. Are you lightheaded? Radha, I am available for auditions. Was that one sentence? Yeah, that was, yeah.

Holy shit. Things I picked up from that. Okay, because I wasn't really concentrating on the content, more on just the verbiage. I saw you do, on the anciently written words um i saw you take a deep breath like a kid um so he used to work at steals so we could have met monty the christmas party perhaps perhaps what was he made redundant for a bad deal um well he's taken voluntary redundancy that's quite important we don't want to slur him james apologies You don't usually stay on the payroll on that.

Does Rocky think voluntary redundancy just means you're paid off till your dying day? Or do they just mean he's still on the books? Maybe the books. So, yeah, so he'd taken voluntary redundancy. And so Sir James threaded the twine of functionality through the loophole of business. And has brought him back into the fold. Oh, because he served a purpose they found a loophole yeah so steals a funding cock they've created this role the housekeeper the anciently

house housekeeper of the keys house master of the keys sorry house master of the keys and we presume that the house that's been procured is also being paid for by steals no wonder they're at a fucking loss this must be costing a fortune eating money and blood um okay if somebody's not delivering in their role at steals i love that they're like so instead you're caretaker of a spooky old mansion like what what is that if i was monty i'd be like no you're all right it took 400 years honestly to get out of there i'm on the the cost of Del Sol, mate. I'll call you later. The housemaster of the Keys, or Monty to his friends, had recently taken voluntary redundancy

on the basis of rapidly diminishing results coupled with a hostile corporate climate. Technically, he was still on Steele's payroll and Sir James, never a fellow to lose a deal, threaded the twine of functionality through the loophole of business and demanded his return to the front line of kitchenware preservation. It's Monty from Accounts, Belinda replied. He's an accountant!

He has no qualifications to protect a mansion. A collection of, oh, okays. Seems fair to me's. And I've missed his sandwiches. Blue. So there's two things that's possible there. He's either brought in a platter of sandwiches every day or once a week for the office.

To be liked. Or someone's been stealing his lunch from the fridge. He's like, where's my sandwiches? And if that's the case, if he can't protect his fucking sandwiches he shouldn't be protecting cock also if he's bringing in

a tray of sandwiches every week for everyone that's nice it's nice but I want better security on this mansion it's needy sorry

I don't agree with that someone's going to come to the door and be like I bought you this cookie oh thank you so much wander away and like that's it then they're exposed so a collection of oh okays seems fair to me and i've missed his sandwiches

blue on the wind in acceptance is it windy in the icu someone shut the door our next meeting is at the safe house at 1505 hours two weeks yesterday where we are sorry when sorry 1500 three o'clock and five hours yesterday 1505 hours so what five hours after 1500 or five minutes after 1500 five past three in the afternoon two weeks ago two weeks yesterday two weeks yesterday two weeks from yesterday or two weeks yesterday as in two weeks ago two weeks yesterday two weeks yesterday two weeks from yesterday or two weeks yesterday as in two weeks time

but whatever day yesterday was yeah exactly yeah but two weeks yesterday is expired like you've all missed it

it was 3.05 two weeks yesterday two weeks from oh no yeah two weeks yesterday the next meeting was gone. The next meeting is before the bomb even happened. It's before there was even a cock.

Two weeks yesterday. Our next meeting is at the safe house at 1505 hours, two weeks yesterday, where we are getting our fucking shit together, guys. Whoa, okay. All right. Excusez-moi à la Francais. That's how I imagined you'd say it. C'est bon.

Excusez-moi à la Francais. We'll rescue Slintz, liberate the blueprints, and send Bish down to the underworld where he belongs. The cheers were intoxicating, but perhaps a little much for a place of healing. I was gonna say it's the intensive care unit. Is she still riding her? It wasn't long before a stern looking doctor. Finally. Marched into the room and demanded everyone to leave. Yes. Visiting hours are very short and generally you're not allowed to sit on

the patient or cheers around them. I can't imagine they've put rousing speech in the rules though. or cheers around them. I can't imagine they've put rousing speech in the rules though. We've probably never had to deal with that before. No union meetings, please. It wasn't long before a stern-looking doctor marched into the room and demanded everyone to leave. Except you. Belinda felt and looked shrunk.

It was her first meeting with Bella's doctor and it hadn't started well. Dr. Stud beckoned Belinda to sit down. Dr. Stud. Has she come up with that, or is that his name? Dr. Stud. That's his name. This is a proper porno.

What appears to be the issue, Dr. Stud? The issue is she's been in a coma for a week, and this is the first time you've ever spoken to me. The issue is that James needs to watch more heterosexual pornography. Are you going to put your thermometer in me, Dr. Sturd? I've been a very naughty girl. No, it's not naughty in hospital, have you? It's prison.

Very sickly. I've got thrush, Dr. Sturd. I've got a low platelet count, Dr. Studd. My blood pressure's all over the shop, Dr. Studd. I've got this unusual dermatological issue, Dr. Studd. Okay, you two are enjoying this way, way too much. Could it be psoriasis, Dr. Studd? I think I need your cream for that, Dr. Stud.

Where's she from? Where's she from? Intensive care seems a bit over the top, Dr. Stud. And that's Dr. Stud. I don't think we need to go on. You two have the gall to mock Rocky. Honestly, you should be ashamed. That voice is fantastic, James, that you do. Id. I don't think we need to go on. You two have the gall to mock Rocky. Honestly, you should be ashamed. That voice is fantastic, James, that you do.

I can hear myself doing it. I really like it. Did it turn you on? Yeah. Really? I've always thought that James probably likes to watch himself. Excuse me? Do you like a mirror?

What? When I'm in the act? Actually, no. I would turn anything away. Have you ever got a glimpse of yourself? Oh, no, I would turn anything away. If I even got a glimpse, have you ever got a glimpse of yourself? Oh, my God. Fully awful.

Do you put throws over all the mirrors in the house? Like an old country estate. No, but I would never position my mirrors towards the bed. Oh, God. Well, that would be intimidating. But then if I've been at someone else's

and you're like, oh, Jesus. Have you ever been somewhere with a mirrored ceiling? No. Have you way come on they don't exist yeah it's 2019 do they not exist if anyone listening has a mirrored ceiling get in touch and ask yourself why yeah take a good long look at yourself in your ceiling mirror whilst you're lying down in bed. Okay, so. Dr. Stud beckoned Belinda to sit down. Belinda, may I call you Belinda?

Oh, that's my name. Said Dr. Stud. Why, yes, of course. I mean, everyone else does, so why not you too? Because it's your name. Now, do you know why I held you back? Belinda smiled into Dr. Stud's steely blue eyes and said, Honestly, I haven't a clue, Doctor.

Honestly, I haven't a clue, Dr. Studd. Wait, is James going to do this voice? Oh my gosh, am I doing Belinda voice? Are you going to be Belinda? Wait, is she still on Bella? She may have dismounted, I'm not sure. Oh, sorry, Dr. Sturt. I'm just trapped up here.

I need a big strong man to get me down. Well, Belinda, here's a big one. In addition to being an unconscious specialist. It's not called an unconscious specialist. What is it called? I don't know. Coma specialist? Out cold.

Out cold specialist? I practice as a consulting sex therapist. What multitasking, Belinda believed. I do believe. What multitasking doctors stood. So wait. You're going to get so many tweets about this. I also think it's an unusual combination of specialisms.

People who are unconscious and sex therapists. I would say the unconscious probably don't need you there. And what, is he doing it on the side? Is he operating out? He's surely not operating out of the hospital. You don't get normal hospitals

offering sex therapy, do you? No. What multitasking, Belinda believed. Dr. Studd lent back. Undress, please. Huh? Everything. No. Just everywhere else. That's her one safe space. The good doctor! But with a heavy sigh, she went through the familiar routine of undressing. Before long, she stood nude before the good doctor. The good doctor? What year is it?

Oh, Veronica Studd. We are so bad! We are so bad! Oh my God, society's norms! The patriarchy has rocked our world. Wow. That is so bad. Yeah, it just said doctor and we assumed male. I mean, Stud is a male horse.

So Stud makes you think male. And a female horse is a stallion sister or whatever. But our voice still applies because it was Belinda talking to Dr. Stud. That's true. But you were saying, I just need a big man to help me get out. That was Alice. I did say that. I'm embarrassed.

I did say that. Awful. Get out. Alice, it's not you. It's society. Don't hate the play. I hate the game. Thanks, James.

Well, that's a hell of a way to not make any progress. So I'm confused. It's not our fault. It's just the way that we are. It's a healthy condition. Bye. Never going to change. Do-do-do-do.

Picture this. You're at a picnic with-do-do-do. Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone,

right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer. So she's a female doctor. I mean, it's not that amazing. I never thought I'd see the day. They're a female doctor. Yeah, he got us good there.

He really got us good. Do you think he knew what he was doing? Really played with it. Just using the word stud as well, just to evoke a male image. He's a genius. Veronica Stud was used to seeing women naked, but she swooned when she saw the naked Belinda. Can I just say, as a female doctor,

you can still be entirely inappropriate in this scenario. And I believe Dr. Veronica Studd is about to be. She was stunning. She'd never seen such a perfect specimen of the female body since her visit to Italy 20-something years ago, when the statue of Venus de Milo blew her mind. Only this hot chick had both arms. Oh, God. Jesus. Right. So the last fitty that she saw. Venus de Milo.

Venus de Milo. Hot chick, please. Hot chick. Dad, come on. That's such a rocky answer. How old's Veronica? Hot chick. I feel like your dad would actually say that as well.

Oh, she's a hot chick over there. Oh, hot chick. Look at that hot chick, Jimmy. Okay, so. Thank you. Because she's now naked. Belinda. Now, when is the last time you had sex?

Belinda blushed and replied. About 90 minutes ago, sorry. 90 minutes ago? She was giving a rousing speech about half an hour ago So clearly someone from Cock From Cock, yeah Whose cock from Cock was in her vag Oh my god, I tricked you

I reckon Des Martin 90 minutes ago Oh okay, yeah, because we've not checked in for a week Still warm then, said Dr Sturge Not how it works, but yeah, okay As she hoiked up her white coat. Just open it. Taking Belinda's skull in all fingers.

Oh, her skull. Oh, right. She stuffed her into her pussy oven. Pussy oven. Something's cooking. She's bland baking that one. Belinda knew this place well. Not literally, no. Not Dr Studd this place well. Not literally, no.

Not Dr Studs particularly, but much like apartments in new build blocks of flats, vaginas were vaginas and only differed by their interior design. That's clearly what Rocky thinks, isn't it? Well. That they're much of a muchness. They're all the same as the flats in a block of flats. They're basically the same, they just have different... Sofas. Art on the walls. Yeah, textured r flats in a block of flats. They're basically the same, they just have different... Sofas.

Art on the walls. Exactly. Yeah, textured rugs, that sort of thing. Sure, yeah. Belinda knew her way around a female floor plan alright, so wasted no time in licking it pristine. I like this, like, building analogy. It's making us sound very blocky.

He's really committed, hasn't he? Dr Studd's gamble had paid off big time and she was happy with the oral sex. The gamble being, I presume, her career's on the line. Yeah. And let's not forget, there's someone unconscious in the bed next to them. So that feels a little bit iffy, doesn't it?

I haven't forgotten that. Belinda gurgled through the wet pubic hairs like the bulrushes lining the beautiful Lake Titicaca. Rocky! How has it taken five books from Dimension Lake Titicaca? It writes itself! That's foul though, isn't it actually? The reeds, yeah.

Belinda gurgled through wet pubic hairs like the bulrushes lining the beautiful Lake Titicaca. She enjoyed this doctor's insides. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And could tell from the pleasant yet zippy taste that she took care of herself and indulged in a fair and balanced diet of at least seven fruits and vegetables an hour. An hour? She'll have gout. Dr. Studd was yelping in short but loud bursts.

Like that, I imagine. So we've got beep, meh, beep, meh, beep, meh. What a cacophony. Dr Studd was yelping in short but loud bursts each time Belinda hit the jackpot. And all of a sudden, just like so. Oh, for God's sake. Bella exited her coma. To life or to death?

Her eyes opened to full moon. god for that wait when you wake up from a coma this is just a prediction about what's about to happen you don't sit up and go what's going on i'm a bit jealous you're like groggy well you're tired we don't know she might be those things like give dad a minute. You know. Her eyes opened to a full moon and her body sat up in the gurney. Come on. Injected with the subconscious terror of being left out, she had willed her way well.

FOMO woke her up from the COMO. FOMO from the COMO. Is someone eating pussy? Whee! Belinda stopped licking but didn't remove her tongue from the blushing folds of Dr Studd's clitoral area Great

So she's like If you don't move they can't see you She's just working out Is she mistaking coma victims with dinosaurs? A T-Rex. Both sexual partners in crime were frozen in shock. Who? Veronica and Belinda.

Dr. Veronica and Belinda Belinda. I do beg your pardon. I don't respect her degree. Both sexual partners in crime were frozen in shock. Was Bella brain damaged? Or worse, prudish? It's worse than brain damaged. Or worse, alive?

Yeah. Get me a McMassive meal deal with extra cheese string salter. What? What do you want? I've never heard of that meal in my life. She's speaking in tongues. She's woken up and it doesn't make any sense. A McMassive meal deal.

With stringy fries, what is it? No. Get me a McMassive meal deal with extra cheese string salsa. Cheese string salsa? Bella shouted with a grin. And a chilled chili and chardonnay bottle. That's our girl.

Back to life. Said Belinda from between. She thought she was dead 20 minutes ago. How is it not more shocking than that? That's our girl. Back to life. Said Belinda from between the good doctor's legs. Brilliant, Bella.

I'll discharge you now. What? One thing at a time. Get her a massive meal deal first. What is this, Fast Track Hospital? Responded Dr Studd as she removed Belinda's face from her pedendum and pulled her high-cut briefs up. Is a pedendum a type of flower?

Is that like a chrysanthemum? Pedendum. Pedendum. All right, hang on. Pedendum. A person's external genitals, especially a woman's. Oh. That is the word of the week.

Dad has been doing some research. He always talked about internal attributes, so these are the external attributes. External, absolutely, yes. I can't help but feel he's coming to the end of the thesaurus list for vagina. And like, pedendums at the one just before antonyms. Pedendums where the bulrushes grow.

Quite. Those cummy reeds. So she's pulled up her high-cut briefs. With a final smile, she left the room. I would quite like to question this woman's competency. You're discharged. I'm off. Pull your pants up.

Job's a good'un. But maybe she's now out of the unconscious area of her illness because that's what she was specialising in. Maybe she's like, well, you're now in the hands of the ward sister. Is she even going to fill in the papers? Is she even going to shine a light in her eye? Yeah, anything. Well, is that not aftercare?

That isn't the... Aftercare? I don't know. It's two seconds after. And surely part of your training in unconscious specialism is to know what happens when they become conscious. Or do you literally just go, I am so sorry, I've never seen this before, goodbye.

They normally don't make it, so you're on your own. I keep them unconscious. Good goodness. That was a closer shave than your pussy lids, Bella. She doesn't shave her pussy lids. Just to let you know. Well, she hasn't shaved them for a week at least. True.

Why doesn't she? Because nobody does that. Shaves their pussy lids. You're asking for trouble, aren't you? How far do you go in? Who's shaving it? What year is it? No, but with like a Brazilian, how close does the waxing strip get?

Well, Brazilian's like a strip. Well, what's the one where... The Hollywood. Is that Hollywood? Hollywood's all off. Yeah. Like a Sphinx, as somebody once said to me. Do they get quite close?

Oh, gotcha. Yeah? Oh, right up there. Right up there? Yeah. Right in your pedendum? I mean, they know my pedendum better than I know

my pedendum let's put it that way so good goodness that was a closer shave than your pussy lids Bella why is everybody being so like jovial

and casual about it like she's alive she's alive by the way yay taken in by dad once again in fact if he tries to kill anyone

I don't believe him anymore Bella's got nine lives. Long live the NHS! A little shout-out to the National Health Service. Bella squawked as they cheered their overflowing glasses of wine. Clink! Guzzle, guzzle. I have to say, in Bella's case, though, it doesn't feel like the NHS had anything to do with her suddenly resurrecting.

The NHS are disowning this whole enterprise. Was there wine in a jug by the grapes by the bed? Where's the wine come from? Or was it in the drip? Probably. Maybe that's what saved her, really. A cockeyed smile met a hungry pout. And within seconds, Belinda was stripping Bella from her tissue paper nightie. No.

Oh, it is the NHS. Boobs fell like the Lehman Brothers. Wow, topical. Really topical. Do you know what? Rocky was so pleased with himself when he wrote that one. So they fell fast and first? Is that what it is?

And fucked everyone. Boobs fell like the Lehman Brothers, and soon both women were a swimming pool of each other's meat. What? Now that doesn't make sense. A swimming pool of meat? Appetising, am I right? My God.

Like a stew. Are you just thinking of a swimming pool filled with ham and pork chops? Yeah, and lamb cutlets. Basically, someone's been clearing up at the Moulin Marant and just shoved it all in a cauldron. And it's warm. Not hot, but warm. Flesh passed through flesh.

Passed through, gosh. And moisture was the texture of the afternoon. Belinda knew that after her long nap, Bella probably deserved a bit of TLC or tonguing luscious clit to friends. Seamless, yeah, to friends. To friends, that's definitely what friends call it, yeah. Also, I think a coma's slightly more...

Yeah, not a long nap. A nap makes it sound ever so trivial. Luscious clit as well. Luscious. How inflamed is it? It sounds like it's poofy. The big boss girl wasted no time and spread Bella's thighs like a brand new pair of Steele's premium collection catering tongs. Oh, like they kind of ping open.

I'm getting... This is a metaphor heavy passage. Honestly. Some work, some don't. I'm getting, this is a metaphor heavy passage. Honestly, yeah. Some work, some don't. It's volume, isn't it? Yeah, he's just throwing them all in. Scav to gun. Even by Belinda's standards, she was a firecracker of efficiency.

A lap here, a nuzzle there. And as for the patient, well, new paragraph. You do the maths. We'll never know. And as for the patient, well... Bella's orgasm was intensifying, and with it

the frequency of beeps correlating to her heartbeats. Oh my god. When it reached the rhythm of the third chorus of Mudd's classic Tiger Feet. What's that? Hang on. That's like, that's like, that's like, I really love your tiger life.

Does it mean like that? That's it, isn't it? Jesus. She's going for it. Tiger Feet. That's my dad's favourite song. Tiger Feet. He has a dance for it.

I think it's a thing that they did in the 70s. has a dad have you ever seen it they're like you know when people dance but they're just walking but staying on the same spot yeah it's that they kind of cross over their legs each time that's right that's right and they all do it who's all all of the 60 year olds you know all my parents friends and we used to do these big boxing day parties as kids mom and dad would throw a huge big party on Boxing Day. And everyone from the surrounding area would come. Would march on the spot. It would take them forever to get there.

Honestly, the woman who lived underneath us had to complain one year because she thought the roof was going to fall in. We'll have to ask Rocky to actually do that in real life one day. Oh yeah, he'll love it. So wait, do the rhythm, not with a clap, but just do the rhythm for me. So that's what's going on on the monitor. That's a heartbeat. Gosh, that's not good. When it reached the rhythm of the third chorus of

Mud's classic Tiger Feet, Bella knew she had reached her womanly apex. Her vagina let loose. Oh God. And all the pent- up ejaculation juice Thundered over Belinda's body Oh come on Wow

Like a tidal wave Not expecting it As she wasn't Belinda swallowed a good gulp or two A big gulp or two? So she went Like when you're in the sea And a big wave comes

Belinda swallowed a good gulp or two But what joy eh? It's all a laugh isn't it? It's all a bloody laugh. It's just a bit silly. Bella was such a spent force that her heart went into meltdown. The machine knackered up and emitted a long, tone-deaf drone of a... No, the machine's broken. Oh, OK, fine.

Not dissimilar to the dial tone when you've been hung up on. And not dissimilar to the sound when someone's dead, which is actually what we care about. Also, Dad has been hung up on so many times. The familiar tone. Hello, it's Rocky from... The room was flooded with paramedics, neuroscientists and ward sisters concerned.

Paramedics don't come in. The paramedics are out sorting out people on the streets. They're driving to see you. Yeah, they very much consider their job done by that point. Also, I don't think neuroscientists are wandering the halls. And Thomas is. All the girls could do was laugh. God, what are we like?

What are we like? I'm so sorry, God. What a palaver. This is a chapter for the book, literally. All the girls could do was laugh, content in the knowledge that they were both still alive. For now. Doesn't mean anything, James.

Stop getting so excited And that is the end of the chapter That was non-bloody stop Anyone who was questioning the sex content As I think you did last week James I was just thinking that That was sex dense wasn't it It was

Well I mean it was dense of things that dad thinks is sex. It wasn't really sex, was it? I mean, what even happened? That's how I describe Bella, sex dense. Most inappropriate place to have sex so far, probably? The ICU. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I think it was a wedding for a while and now the ICU. I still think office is quite appropriate. Job interview for me. Even in the designated sex room at Steeles I think it's a little bit weird But she's alive

She's alive And seems to be completely unharmed Yeah, totally compass mentors For Bella anyway For Bella, yeah She's got a muck massive meal On the way But you've got to see it from Rocky's perspective as well

Why would you kill your darlings? Like, you need to keep these people alive the reason people come back or i come back is for bella okay fine i mean not true for me but fine but then don't pretend every two seconds that they're dying i'm not saying he has to kill them every two minutes he's like are they alive he's the one that made this a stupid spy story to begin with. Just have it as an office-based romp. Why not? Why did it have to become this ridiculous... Keep it simple. Yeah. What even is it now? Why is it

its own genre? He's created yet another genre all of his own. Well, I mean, if nothing else, we can look forward to the lawsuit for Dr. Veronica because she's a walking nightmare. She's going to be struck off. And yes, come back next week. Two weeks yesterday for the next chapter.

And do not forget, we're going on tour in 2020. Yes. Very, very excited. We can't wait to be out on the road again. So do get your tickets because it's going to be a great, great night. It's going to be a party.

Yeah. We're going all over. Yeah, we are. America, Australia, Europe, great night. It's going to be a party. Yeah. We're going all over. Yeah, we are. America, Australia, Europe, the UK. New Zealand. Everywhere. Canada. Ireland.

Yeah, bring your glee team along. If you listen with a group of chums every week, then you should all come to a show together because it's going to be a riot. Belinda's Dirty 30. People come on their own. Yeah, because you're amongst friends. It's just one big cesspit of Belinkas.

Lovely. You might meet the love of your life there. You never know. You, because you're amongst friends. It's just one big cesspit of belinkers. Lovely. You might meet the love of your life there. You never know. You might find another solo belinker. The lust of your life, perhaps. Well, quite. Yeah, love for either eternity or just one night. You have to come and find out.

Brand new stuff from Rocky as well. Never before heard. Could be shit. Probably shit. Will be shit. Yeah. That's a guarantee, isn't it? So get your tickets from mydadwroteeporno.com forward slash live right now.

They're on sale now. They're flying off the shelves. They are indeed. And please do get in touch with us, what you thought about this chapter, at dadwroteporno on Twitter. If you're more of an Instagram person, it's mydadwrotea. We're on Facebook and you can email us mydadwroteporno at gmail.com. Okay, guys, do you want to tie your feet out of here?

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