My Dad Wrote A Porno - S5E3 - 'The Safe House'

Episode Date: September 23, 2019

Belinda gets reacquainted with some of her fellow C.O.C.Ks at the new safe house. Herr Bisch has plans for Professor Slinz.Come see us on our 2020 World Tour! Tickets available via mydadwroteaporno.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Picture this. You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic? Not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.

Are you self-employed? Don't think you need business insurance? Think again. Business insurance from Zinsurance is a no-brainer for every business owner because it provides peace of mind. A lot can go wrong. A fire, stolen equipment, or an unhappy customer suing you. That's why you need insurance. Don't let the, I'm too small for this mindset,

hold you back from protecting yourself. Zinsurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit zinsurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes. Zinsurance, mind your business. The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. I'm here with James Cooper, Alice Levine and I'm Jamie Morton. Hi. All full names this week. I don't know.

I always feel like I always introduce you and never introduce myself. Were you waiting for us to introduce you? No, no, not at all. I'm happy to do it myself. I think if they don't know who we are by now, then they've come to this episode really quite out of context. That's fair. Oh, can I tell you what happened today?

Guess who was in my gym this morning? Was it Judge Rinder? It wasn't Judge Rinder, although he does go to my gym and he's very good. He's like, he hits it hard. For international listeners, Judge Rinder is our Judge Judy. Yeah, I mean, that's giving him way more cred than he deserves, but yes. Hey, I might see him in the gym. Can you be nice to him, please?

That's that footnote's cancelled. Great. Do you want to guess? Oh, sorry. Male or female? Male. I don't know. That's that footnote's cancelled Great Do you want to guess? Oh sorry Male or female? Male I don't know That's me out

Harry Styles No Yes Isn't that a good one? Formerly of One Direction Formerly of One Direction Was not today But has been before

On the treadmill next to me They're always next to you On the treadmill Is he in Fine Fetter? He seemed a bit tired Actually Right I was better than him

exclusive it's extraordinary seeing as he says nothing at all the shade on everyone you're not you're going to get me cancelled from my gym

I think you shouting about who's in your gym is going to get you cancelled from your gym not very discreet James Cooper that NDA that they made the sign is not worth

the paper it's written on is it sorry I was just very excited about it anyway moving on is it a very fancy, very expensive gym? No, not even. So I'm always surprised.

But quite... Who else has been there? Jessica Hines has been there from... From comedy. From off of comedy. I've seen her there. Anyone else? No.

Me? Oh, God. That's scraping the barrel. Do you think Harry Styles has gone home tonight and been like, you'll never guess who I saw at the gym you know that guy off that podcast

I listened to once and then didn't really get on with it and have never gone back to that so that was my day how was your days I went for a swim

in the pond was there anyone famous swimming next to you no but it's quite a lot of hotties at the pool that I go to oh really yeah yeah yeah

but I don't really know how you strike up a conversation if they're hot yes and also do you want to like be chatting to someone when you're like in your essentially in your pants in your pants a good way to break the ice though because you know they really see before you buy the classic phrase see before you buy try before you buy well look you're not trying you are you just seeing you look before you buy look before you buy fine either or no

neither works. Well, you really can look, can't you? Like under the water. Not that I'm saying I'm being a perv and having a look. Under the water? In your goggles? I always think if somebody's behind me swimming, they are getting quite the view, aren't they? Wow. Don't you think that? They are view because you're quite gammy-legged when you swim. Gammy-legged? My form is

near perfect. It is good. It is good. We swim together and you're excellent. But you're quite forceful in the water Right Strength comes from the hips You do present quite a wide Present, do I? Yeah, you're very, very wide of leg I never knew that

In the old breaststroke Can you teach me, because I'm shit at swimming I literally went swimming with Jamie once And fainted in the swimming pool reception after two laps you didn't actually so they laid me out in the swimming pool reception so embarrassing it was really in my in my swim shorts and people were just stepping over me were you like a sickly victorian lady did you just have a weird turn yeah i was like jam I feel ever so light headed and then the next thing I knew was by the reception

just being ignored waiting for people to been kicked as they went through the turnstiles so where were we with the whole book thing oh yeah book stuff

the thing we're actually here to do yeah so Bella's alive Bella's alive she had a McMassive meal and so hopefully she's just going to rejoin cock

and it's all going to be fine. I could really go one of those today. What, a McMassive meal? A cock. Yeah. Oh. Either or. Mainly the McMassive meal.

Okay. A McMassive cock. Which could also be a cock, yeah. Forget it. Right, okay. Don't forget that cheese string salsa. But now, at this point, because we could kind of

predict where the book would start it's probably going to start with the bomb aftermath and things like this now i'm like i don't think we even know the chapter title so i'm like where's it going to go now what are we going to flip between is it going to be between um the cocks and germany are they going to meet up again at what point i mean interesting if dad can thread that as we said before if he can really kind of marry two narratives as one that's quite impressive not sure if he'll nail it

or even attempt it he's put a lot of balls in the air isn't he he's no juggler let's put it that way but he knows about his balls okay so shall we

shall we delve in what's the chapter title oh yeah I'll just say it okay yeah in the intro bit Belinda Blinked 5

chapter 3 The Safe House I'll just say it Okay yeah In the intro bit Belinda Blinked 5 Chapter 3 The Safe House The Safe House Where the anciently old man Or whatever it was Oh where the master of the keys lives Yes I'm just picturing Dobby the house elf

Or something Like just sort of shuffling to the door and, hello, sire, all of that. With like a pillowcase on his head. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, because he's meant to be recently retired, but he sounds like so much, like he's 100 or something as well. Yeah, because, well, he'll be 60, right?

55, 60. Voluntary redundancy, so he could be 35. This is true. Okay, the safe house. I'm excited for this. Welcome, my special one. So good to see you again, Zazoon. Who's Zazoon?

Zazoon, double that. Zazu? Is that the parrot from... Lion King. Is that the bird of paradise from the Lion King? Zazoon. And visit your friend, Zsuzs. Zsuzs?

Zsuzs. As in like to zhuzh a room, like when you kind of give it a little bit of a... George. Oh, George, yeah. George. Penetrative insurgence, is it not? Oh, the face he does. I'm guessing not.

George stammered in the dominating presence of the minute East Berliner. Minute? Oh, yeah, he's really tiny. He's really small, isn't he? He came up from behind his desk one day and his head came up. Was that Edna Mode? George stammered in the dominating presence of the minute East Berliner. Yeah, yeah, yes.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. What a naturalistic laugh. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. No, no, he's nervous. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh. That indeed is my speciality. Good. We will see tonight how penetrating you can really be. At that, Herr Bisch waved at them with a dismissive hand to follow him to where... He was like, go away, follow me.

A dismissive hand to follow him. Yeah, it was like a fuck off this way. Yeah. Waved at them with a dismissive hand to follow him to where he had incarcerated Professor Slintz in the long-lost dungeons of East Berlin. And is Giselle there? I think so. He's waving at both of them. Oh, right. She's just being quiet.

Well, it's all very mysterious now, isn't it? You know, they're in the long-lost dungeons of East Berlin. Well, I mean, cash your mind back into history and, you know, the long- long lost dungeons of East Berlin are famous. Very lost. Lost for a long time, obviously. They've now found. Is anybody else picturing him behind medieval style bars?

Yeah, yeah. He's not just locked in a room with a sort of electronic lock on the door. He's very much in a dusty cobwebby cell. Yeah, like in Aladdin when he gets put in the dungeons in Aladdin. Yeah, with sort of rusty shackles on. Yeah, exactly. Belinda was lost. I mean, join the club, Belinda.

She knew she had been given the address of the extremely secure and pretty well hidden safe house, but she hadn't memorialised the finer details like postcode or street name. Get your phone out. Has she heard of Google Maps? And get your verbs right. I mean, oh God. Also, a safe house isn't hidden. It's not like it's camouflaged.

It's just a house that people don't know you're using for that purpose. So Belinda was lost. Aimlessly tottering around the world of London, she was getting scared. Just then, the power of speech hissed across the cobble streets. Eh? Oi! Belinda! This way! My uncle is well. Oh, my auntie is sick.

Yes, very good. Oh, is that the call? So should she say it back then? Is it a sort of call and response? Ah. so does she should she say it back then is it a sort of call and response the anciently handsome house master of the keys made a curt downward motion of the cranium well satisfied oh yeah he is anciently isn't he so he's he's not a young uh retiree no he is he he's described as old but he's below retirement age and obviously gave his voluntary redundancy yeah then why is that his voice oh she'll be more chipper more spry oi belinda it's way my uncle as well also another way that he's describing a nod of the head a curt

downward motion of the cranium very good just say he loves to go around the house. It's much like Belinda. A relieved Belinda sank to her knees and began servicing the housemaster of the keys with a twisting action new to him and his penis. Sorry, in the street? On those cobbled streets. Just walk in. If there's one way to draw attention to the safe house, it's to give head outside the door.

Depends what part of London it's in, to be fair. Sorry, the world of London. Speaking of safe house it's to give head outside the door depends what part of London it's in to be fair sorry the world of London speaking of safe house I've got a bone to pick with you James hi

hiya maybe not the time oh I don't feel like I'm going to get told off no I just she has that look about her you know how I very kindly let you stay here

for a little bit a little bit being about four nights I was between houses yeah and you you kindly put me up fed me yes very well it was like

having a wife it was honestly the best two weeks into what you could have had she cooked she didn't have sex it was a perfect marriage i'd come home and be like honey i'm home and dinner will be on the table and you wouldn't touch her i'd drive but yeah it doesn't happen any of it um so why am i receiving post for you sorry why am I receiving mail for you to this address you redirected all your mail here

what you stayed here for four nights that's at best a long weekend oh it's a long story but I had to re-register my address

oh right I see what are you re-registering here every time you go and stay with somebody do you make your address their address I actually think

I'm still registered here because i need to get my new driving license to get proof of address my new life it's not a sorting office so if you could keep it for me that would be great well i am doing but i mean this wasn't part of the the plan or the deal sorry about that i can keep it for a price oh stop winking at me oh stop blowing me kisses okay so belinda sank to her knees and began servicing the house master of the keys with a Oh, stop winking at me. Oh, stop blowing me kisses. Okay. So Belinda sank to her knees and began servicing the housemaster of the keys with a twisting action new to him and his penis,

but not to the international sales director of our story. What? Our story! So she's using a method that he's not privy to usually, but she's used before. Yeah. Is she just kneeling for a comfy position for a hand job what like the dicks at head height and she's like well the twist is

confusing me george's mobile and he's moving around so we're back to germany yeah does he change paragraph to do that yeah sorry it's a new paragraph yeah well at least he does that yeah i think he'll have seen this style somewhere george's mobile emitted its plaintiff beep as he and giselle followed hair bish down the roughly hewn corridor to professor slints's wretched new lodging it's exactly what we described isn't it it's down a long decrepit corridor yeah fire torches on the wall absolutely 100 maybe a cloaked doorman alice it was long and spacious but also quite cramped spacious and cramped spacious in the long direction cramped in the width direction i've tried to rent some flats with that description to be honest though that's what I'd expect from a corridor. If it didn't have much distance to it, but it was a really, really big arm span, I'd be disappointed.

What the fuck, George? This is serious. Giselle hissed. Why? Because his phone's beeping? Yeah. Giselle, he replied. It's only bloody Tony. I have to answer it or he'll get suspicious.

Sorry, whose phone just beeps? Beep, beep. It's a fucking heart monitor in the last episode. A plaintiff beep. What ringtone does Rocky have on his phone? Does he even use his phone? He doesn't have a phone, does he? They have a shared phone, don't they?

What, mum and dad? Yeah. It's mum's phone, but if you need dad, you can just get him on that. I love that he doesn't have phone privileges. Would you trust him with WhatsApp? No, I so so george's phone's gone off what the fuck george this is serious giselle hissed giselle he replied it's only bloody tony i have to answer it or i'll get suspicious i'd question the truth in that because plenty of people miss calls yeah You don't immediately think my brother's a backstabbing bastard and he's

working with Hairbish to bring down the company. I'd say it's going to raise more alarm bells if you answer it in a dungeon deep in Berlin and you'd be like, sorry, where are you? You're in some sort of echoey cave. How's he getting signal down there for a start? Giselle fiercely nodded her eyelids.

Fiercely nodded her eyelids, right that's her his new way of saying blinked why is he avoiding it yeah i don't know has he done some deal that means he can't say it giselle fiercely nodded her eyelids oh hi tony george answered so we presume tony should have a mank accent too long lost brother, brother. Right. Lost in Manchester. You did say at one that you thought Tony would be a bit narthen. Did I? Yeah, you did. I chatted a lot of shit, didn't I, back in the day?

Oh, hi, Tony. George answered. What's up, bro? Very natural. Solid new line. New line. Oh, yes. What's up Brow Hi little brother

You sound as if You're in a cave You sound like You're in the Long lost dungeons Of East Berlin You're not Potholding again

In your physical condition Are you I thought they Hadn't spoken in years How does he know He's into potholding Also as soon as Somebody says hello

You don't usually go, oh, you sound like you're in a... All he's said is hi. What room are you in? You're not potholding again in your physical condition, are you? I wish, Tony. Ha ha. I wish.

Ha. God, they do have great bants, don't they? At least he's acting totally natural so as to throw him off the scent. Sorry, just checking in. Things have been a bit explosive at work. Stop it. Too soon and inappropriate, frankly. And we might have some...

Bella nearly died. Like, fuck off. Things have been a bit explosive at work and we might have some professional work for you. How are you fixed for a work meet early next week for work? Won't say blinked, but I'll say work three times in one sentence. Something very suspicious is going on.

Wow, Tony. Some work. Fourth. Sounds good. I'll be at your offices 10am Monday morning. Ciao. Ciao. Ciao. Ciao. Sorry, Manchester.

George chased after Giselle and Bish, feeling very devious indeed. Well, I think he should have felt devious before now. Yeah, but now he's going to basically be working for Bish and for Cock. He's double agent. Doubly devious, if you like. Not doubly devious. Doubly devious. That's the worst kind of devious.

It's a double penetration. It's a classic kind of devious. It's a double penetration. It's a classic double penetration. Do you know what a double penetration is? I do. Two dicks. At once. Yeah. Yes.

Can you imagine? It's a lot, isn't it? You'd be full. So where are you popping them all? Little mouth, little bum? No, I thought it was like in the same hole at once. Yeah, it is. Oh, right.

Okay, fine. Fine! No yeah it is oh right okay fine fine that is fine in that case she's all up for it so but you could like pop one in the mouth as well i guess triple triple no because triple would be three in at once is that such a thing a triple so if you've got one in one and one in the mouth that's a spit roast isn't it because it's almost like you're on a pig on a spit so what do you call then two in the bum one in the mouth two in the bum one in the mouth wow a bird in the hand is worth two in the bum a cock in the mouth is worth two in the ass does it have a name two in the bum one in the mouth yeah probably but i'm not sure i'm aware

of it what about because obviously girls have one at the front and one in the mouth? Yeah. Probably, but I'm not sure I'm aware of it. What about, because obviously girls have one at the front and one at the back. What if you had one in the front, one in the back and one in the mouth? It's a lot. It's a lot to handle. That's like a plunk or something like that, isn't it? It's like something in a plunk. A popping pirate. Yeah, a popping pirate.

Did you know that before though? Have you learnt something tonight? I didn't. I think I didn't think about popping two in the bum. I don't think anyone mentioned the bum apart from you. You did. You said that's what double penetration was. A hole.

I just said in any hole. Like two dicks, one hole. As a boy, where else is that going? Well, quite. Yeah. Oh, I see. Sorry. Well, no, I guess you can pop two in the mouth, can't you?

But is that still called a double penetration? Oh, my God. Could you have six? Could you have two in the mouth, two in the vag and two in the mouth, can't you? But is that still called a double penetration? Oh, my God, could you have six? Could you have two in the mouth, two in the vag and two in the bum? I don't... Is the aim as many as possible? What films have you been watching? What have you been Googling? No, that must be a thing, though. Oh, sure, it is a thing, yeah.

It's a proper gangbang, that, isn't it? Not really, if it's one person with, like, all the dicks in one thing. One thing, a woman's body person with like all the dicks in one thing. One thing, a woman's body. Yeah, can we just stress? It's more like, you know,

in the 70s when they had those pineapple... And cheese in a stick. Cheese, yeah. That's what's making me think. What are those called,

those pineapples with cheese in them? Is it like a cheesy hedgehog? So it's a cheese, it's a cheese, it's six sticks at once as a cheesy hedgehog. We've named it, we've named it.

How often is it happening that it needs a name? I mean, maybe I'm moving in the wrong circles. I think it probably has happened a lot and it already has a name, for sure. So George chased after Giselle and Bish, feeling very devious indeed. No one had twigged his recent activities

and he'd just been hand-plattered the perfect way to frame somebody else. What? He'd been hand... Hand-plattered. I don't know what that means. Sorry. What does hand-plattered... Giving it on a plate, I think is what he'd been hand hand plaited i don't know what that means sorry what does hand plaited giving it on a plate i think he's what he means you got plaited right almost what you'd serve a cheesy hedgehog on he'd just been hand plaited some cheesy hedgehogs uh and the perfect way to frame someone else. Someone he'd wanted revenge on for years.

What is the history there? Like, what has happened? We need to know. Rocky, put it in a book. Belinda entered... Oh, okay. Back with Belinda. Cool.

Yeah. Belinda entered the billiard room of the safety net just as... Safety... Safe house. So it's a metaphor now. Belinda entered the billiard room of the safety net just as Tony was hanging up the telephone cord. It's got a billiard room.

It's got a telephone cord. Why is everything so ye olde? This idea of a safe house, right? They're not generally Georgian townhouses. It's just a flat somewhere that's unregistered. Do you remember that taxi i was literally thinking that when al said it yeah who so we were in this taxi with this guy who's basically like said he used to be in a spy or something didn't he he was a getaway driver wasn't he was he yeah but an

official one yeah like yeah for the government and he said that you would be surprised how many safe houses there are in cities like they're everywhere littered with them but you would be surprised how many safe houses there are in cities. Like, they're everywhere. Littered with them. But you'd be surprised because somebody's not giving a handjob outside them. Because otherwise you'd go, there's another one, there's another one. It's the age old tell, Alice. It's like the old plastic bag out of a window. Wasn't that one in Soho back in the day?

And trainers on a telephone wire are signs for where you can do a drug pickup. Yeah, yeah. What's that plant people have outside their houses that means they're swingers? Pampas grass. A what? Pampas grass.

Is that swingers? Swingers. No. But I always think fuck off really. What if you buy a house and it's got pampas grass in the front garden?

Day one you're not tearing that out are you? Oh you're burning that day one. Do you think? Because I think a week in people are like ding dong hiya we're Mike and Sue

and they're like hi. Oh my god we used to have one of those in our back garden. No you didn? Because I think a week in, people are like, ding dong, hiya, we're Mike and Sue. And they're like, hi. Oh my God, we used to have one of those in our back garden. No, you didn't. In the back garden. In our back garden.

Oh, different. The back door only, please. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that means something completely different. No, that's a cheesy horseradish or whatever you said. Cheesy vole?

No, cheesy hedgehog. Cheesy vole is definitely something different. There must be more modern ways these days of sorting that out. More modern than pampas grass. Facebook group. Leave a candle in the window after midnight.

I guess pampas grass is quite a commitment because you've got to grow it. So there are a few months when you're like, really, really want to fucking swing. It's like, we've got another six months until that's tall enough. That's what I mean. It's so absurd. And do like old swingers give cuttings to new swingers? Oh, that's a nice touch. Literally sew the seams.

Yeah, literally around the town. So Belinda entered the billiard room of the safety net just as Tony was hanging up the telephone cord. Oh, hi, Tony. Who was that? She asked as she poured herself a very long chardonnay. Just my long lost brother. You know.

I thought he could help with our operation, he responded. Oh, good plan, Tony, yes. Yes, tell more people outside of this close network of secret... The confidential order of cookware nights. Otherwise it's just ox. Yes, she said as she downed her beverage. Tony's fingers were by now spreading Maeve's bottom cheeks with bonking intent. I feel a bit silly.

Belinda marched right up to the happiest couple in town and said... How are they the happiest couple in town? They've just got together, haven't they? Yeah, isn't he still technically married to Giselle? And possibly in mourning for, you know, the betrayal. Yeah. So Tony and Maeve are together, wow. Maeve's a bloody dark horse, isn't she?

Keep an eye on her. No one's to be trusted now. Keep an eye on that Maeve. So Belinda marched right up to the happiest couple in town and said, welcome, by the way, to the Glee team. Maeve's in the Glee team? Maeve's in the Glee team. Maeve's in the Glee team. What do you mean welcome? Since when does she

default replacement for Giselle? When Dad realised that he had three members and shit, need another one quick. I thought there'd be some sort of initiation or one doesn't just wander into the Glee team, will he, maybe? No, and I didn't really feel like Maeve was that close to Belinda. No, they've always had quite a strange relationship I think

she's also quite junior Maeve yeah but so was Bella so what are you gonna do you know Maeve burst into

an explosive smile only a redhead could produce one of these so Maeve's happy and Tony and I have spoke you're taking over

Giselle's accounts no more scheduling meetings and answering skype for you shout out to skype thank you miss b appreciate it and i won't let you down and thank you too mr big cheese mave's ancient isn't she i was quite young i can't do this southern accent unless it's in the vein of mrs brown's voice so that's what you get. Okay, fine. What a treat. And thank you too, Mr Big Cheese. Belinda was a woman who had a fifth sense for knowing other people's pilgrimages of the heart.

Wow, what a useless sense. It's not really up there with sight and hearing, is it? And something told her Tony was into this new key account manager from the Emerald Isle. Yes, he's parting her bum cheeks. That to me is a declaration of love. Oh, wow. Picture this.

You're at a picnic with pals and bam, you suddenly feel unwell. But going to the clinic, not the ideal weekend plan. Well, those days are over. Maple's Virtual Care has got your back. With 24-7 access to licensed doctors and nurse practitioners within minutes. Need a diagnosis or prescription? Sorted right from your phone, right in time for your next picnic. Download the Maple app today and have more summer this summer.

Are you self-employed? Don't think you need business insurance? Think again. Business insurance from Zensurance is a no-brainer for every business owner because it provides peace of mind. A lot can go wrong. A fire, stolen equipment, or an unhappy customer suing you. That's why you need insurance. Don't let the, I'm too small for this mindset, hold you back from protecting yourself. Zensurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month.

Visit zensurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes. Zensurance. Mind your business. You know, Tony, the best way to deal with marital grief is to have red chili sex. Hot. Hot, hot, hot. What is he doing in this chapter? Like, not saying words and replacing them with... Red chilli sex, Belinda said, as she slipped out of her threads of machine-washable nylon. Giselle's betrayal of her husband of a few weeks was hard for him.

Yeah, that. But obviously, no one told his cock, because it flooded with blood and became as rigid as an Isambard Kingdom Brunel lintel. Thank you. Finally a metaphor I understand. A what? A what?

A what? An Isambard Kingdom Brunel lintel. He made bridges. But what does that mean? Just rigid? Rigid. Structurally sound. Yeah.

Rigid as a buttress. Tough. Tough as old boots the two female colleagues were thrilled as they began inserting Tony's sizeable extremity into their pussies

at a time I thought he was going up the bum yeah I did why was he why was he fiddling around back there then I think he was just

caressing and opening and oh lovely wonderful and so they're like to me to you bit for me bit for you

bit in Belinda bit in Maeve bit in Belinda bit in Maeve. Oh, wow. Bit mucky. Want to try the hump and skunk? Maeve asked them. I dread to think what that is. The hump and skunk.

The hump and skunk. Is that going to involve drugs? What dark magic was this? Tony thought aloud. Oh, wait, skunks. Skunks, bums. That's what I thought. Oh, no.

Oh, don't. I would say that's the most famous thing about a skunk. Oh, it's skunks. Skunks' bums. That's what I thought. Oh, no. Oh, don't. I would say that's the most famous thing about a skunk. Oh, it's smell. The gas. Oh, no. The gas. Oh. She's going to do a little fart.

What dark magic was this? Tony thought aloud. Maeve laughed heavily at Tony's sexual ineptitude. It's simple. Her teeth tittered. You hump one of us while the other is eating... While eating...

Oh my God. Eating what? Eating what? A sandwich, please. What a time to hesitate. Sorry, I'm so disgusted. Sorry, you hump one of us while the other is eating.

Eating what? Finish your sentence. Don't make other is eating. Eating what? Finish your sentence. No, don't make me, please. Eating what? A skunk. You hump one of us while eating the other's asshole until full. Until full?

What does that mean? Why does he know about that? The hump and skunk. Can I verify if that's even real? Wait a sec, that is definitely real. The hump and skunk. No,? The hump and skunk. Can I verify if that's even real? Wait a sec. That is definitely real. The hump and skunk. No, not the hump and skunk.

But, well, not filling yourself until you're full. So you're fucking one of them while you're eating the other one's ass. Oh, they're doing it at the same time? Yeah. Again, so much. Why does everything have to happen at the same time? Efficiency. He's created his own thing there.

It's not even on Urban Dictionary, the hump and skunk. Rocky's created something. But surely... It's because you would never say to someone, do you want to do the hump and skunk and expect them to be in any way around. I'd question whether I was the hump or the skunk. That would be my first question. You can be either. You can be either, yeah.

So you hump one of us while eating the other's asshole until full. The full thing bothers me. The full thing. Full of what? Precisely. No, but how's he filling up? The hump and skunk.

It sounds like a dance move. Do the hump and skunk. Hump and skunk. Do the shake and vac. It was true that Tony was yet to visit Kilkenny, but he was always happy to indulge in local customs when invited. It's not a local Kilkenny custom! Kilkenny are going to be up in arms!

If you are from Kilkenny, we are deeply sorry. If you are from Kilkenny, confirm or deny. Have it on the record. Maybe it's on urbandictionary.ie.ie yes the dirtiest of all of the urban dictionary spinoffs sure he gushed the hump and skunk it is who's who that's the question the telepathy between the females of the species ended in confusion right often often it does not being a thing at all they They both jumped on the MD, pushing their bums

into his stubbled face. Who would you want to be the skunk? That's a double skunk there, isn't it? That's a full double skunk. That was a double humpin' skunk. No, it's a zero hump

double skunk. It's just a double skunk. Who would you want, though, to be the skunk? I don't know if I'd want Belinda. Really? Why? I don't know. Well, I don't know anything about Mae be the skunk i don't know if i'd want belinda why i don't know well i don't

know anything about mave's skunk i would hate to say it on record i don't know anything about it i don't know anything about her hump to be honest noticing they both hopped onto his cock when that't work, the lassies just laughed. Oh, gosh. Try the bums, try the pussies, then we just laugh. Miss B, you take the tongue.

You outrank me after all. Take the tongue. The skunk. The skunk. So she'll be the skunk. Also, you can mix it up, we presume. You know,

you don't have to stay in the roles. No, true. Swap halfway through, for sure. You know, you don't have to stay in the rolls. No, true. Swap halfway through, for sure. Just don't fill up on the first skunk. Belinda didn't need telling at all. She gleefully straddled Tony's head and spread her milky cheeks wide and taut. Oh, my God. Fucking hell, your dad is a master of the language.

He really hasn't up to the moment. Now that is an image I won't be long forgetting. That is beautiful. It's going to be full of daring. I won't be long forgetting. That is beautiful. She gleefully straddled Tony's head and spread her milky cheeks wide and taut. I can't even, you know, usually.

Oh no, what? What? What? Stop reading it! Tony, are you going to say something? I can't now. Come on. His tongue entered through the wrinkled flesh rim

and snuggled its way deep inside snuggled snuggled why is everything so cutesy wrinkled flesh rim you can't like stick your tongue straight in oh you probably can it's a bit of a tight squeeze. I don't know, James. No, yeah, me neither. We've never done the hump and skunk. Oh my God. The thing is, he's painting himself into a corner. He has to describe it.

Yeah. I just can't get over the idea that it's right in there. Like, I just imagine that scene in Dumb and Dumber when he gets his tongue stuck on an icy pole. Look at that. Oh, you don't think it can retract again? Yeah, he's like, Maeve, on the other hand,

was going mad up front. Maeve's like, you guys are stalling me. She was heaving and hoeing like a ploughman. Like a ploughman's? Like a cheese sandwich? Like a ploughman. Or a ploughwoman.

A figure in the fields. A ploughperson. Very woke. Thank you, guys. She was heaving and sandwich? Like a ploughman. Or a ploughwoman. A figure in the fields. A ploughperson. Very woke. Thank you, guys. She was heaving and hoeing like a ploughman. And she was a hummer. Oh, God. What's she going to be humming? What tune is she going to be humming? Oh, God. The tune was unclear. Oh, my God. But her musicality was self-evident and joyous. That's all you can ask for?

More than you can do, Alice, so, you know. Belinda was seeing her boss in a whole new universe. She'd, of course, fucked his brains out before, but not many people in cookware distribution had their line manager tating their rectal cavity. Oh, my god, Rocky! What's got into him? I don't know. Why is he saying cavity?

It's just not... Why is it so clinical? Always. Cavity doesn't feel clean, as a word. Like, if you have a cavity in your teeth, that's a bad thing. That means it's, like, not good. It's an odious hole. Yeah. It's somewhere that you wouldn't want to venture at

night this sounds really naive but this has gone a bit porny i was gonna say the problem with this is it could have like it's kind of could happen whereas normally it's so bonkers and this is just a really in-depth descriptions of stuff that could actually happen i don't think he's googled i think he's watched stuff no yeah i think he's watched stuff. No. Yeah, I think he's watched stuff. On Pornhub. Oh my God, has he got a Pornhub account? Stop it. Has he put it on the business? Probably.

Check his statements now. So Belinda was seeing her boss in a whole new universe. She'd, of course, fucked his brains out before, but not many people in cookware distribution had their line manager tating their rectal cavity. But this was what made Steeles such a wholesome family business. It is, isn't it?

It's what people love about Steeles. They know each other intimately. Inside out. It's the little touches, she thought. Tony was a happy boy. This was a safe house,

and never had he felt safer than inside Maeve's squishy pouch of bliss. The squishy pouch of bliss. God, he's really cracking them out today, isn't he? Squishy pouch of bliss. That's not actually that bad. That's top five for me. That's top five for me. That's top five. Shows what he thinks of his characters, though.

Belinda gets rectal cavity. Maeve gets the Squishy Pouch of Bliss. I wouldn't be wholeheartedly offended if somebody... Described yours as a Squishy Pouch of Bliss. I'm not mad at it. Actually, the trembles of Maeve's clit were pulverising her shy nature. And it wasn't all that long, maybe three, three and a quarter minutes, before she was coming all over Tony's magnum of man-fizz.

I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted by all of them. He's crammed them all in, much like a cheesy hedgehog. This is the most metaphors and similitudes we've ever had. Hot chilli sex. I feel desensitized to them. I've stopped reacting because I can't even. So what was that last one? So she was coming all over Tony's Magnum of Man Fizz.

Does anybody else picture a Magnum ice cream with popping candy? That's what I've got in my mind. Oh, nice. Like the fizzy, like with the sorbet, a tangy sorbet. Did he get, like, did you buy him a the sorbet a tangy sorbet did he get like did you buy him a new thesaurus around this time

did he get access to the internet like what's changed yeah I don't know has he maybe oh he's pissed isn't he he's drunk he's always yeah

he's drinking a magnum of well not man fizz but man fizz we obviously just caught him in a really good mood he was like I'm gonna go nuts this chapter

this is the definition of showing off in front of your mates, isn't it? He's got overexcited and he's just gone to town. You like that one? I got another one. I got another one. This is him on party mode. This is when we see him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's got a bit excited. So she was coming all over Tony's magnum of man fizz. But unlike the look of it, not a lot of semen dribbled out. Well, that's not really, it's about the balls, not the shaft.

Oh, is that right? Small balls, not much cum, big balls. Drown. The poor man, Belinda thought.

He must be so sad about his sham marriage. Tony. I thought they were saying he was absolutely fine because he was as rigid as a tent pole can I just say

one thing I do know is the amount of cum you generate is not based on your mood it's not like a mood ring it's not like oh a tiny bit must be sad and then you just do loads if you're like really happy Tony slapped Belinda's bum with his tongue before she tiptoed over them both to the kitchen

and a serving of turkey on white loaf with a sprinkling of salt and lashings of yellowing English hot sauce. Mustard. Turkey sandwich. Turkey bloody sandwich. Loves it. Straight off. Oh. Oh.

We're back to the beginning. What? The beginning of it all? No, no. Oh, God. What a horrible feeling if it just all went back to job interview Belinda was sat outside Tony's office

Honestly my heart just sank all of the past four years just flashed before my eyes Slint was in a fairly bad way Bish had made sure he'd been tethered to the rock face with rusty chain and no water, not to mention turkey No turkey?

No The two key essentials of life, water and turkey And as we said, rock face, it's not Yeah, rusty chain, it's actually taking everything that you guys said No brick wall, nah The professor looked up in fright as George Sylvester shone the bright key ring lamp on him. Key ring lamp. He's got, like, fire on a key ring.

I've no idea. Take him to the table and do your work, Bish snarled. To the table? They're going to cut things off him? I have better things to be doing in East Berlin than watching this fleischel schlisch scream his brains out. The what, sorry?

Google it, James. Fleisch. Oh, Christ. Spell it. F. Hang on. Why is he fucking writing German? Because he's getting into character.

F. F-L-E-I-T. How didn't you get that from how he said it? Z-E-I-G-S-T. Right, yeah. Your search does not match any documents. What, no results? Literally no results.

Not a word. So I guess, what, a swear word? Yeah, he's like cursing him, isn't he? So now he can't even be asked to find one. Because at least usually he does look it up. Yeah. It sounds German, to be fair. I mean, not in Jamie's voice, but yeah, it does look German.

I have better things to be doing in East Berlin than watching this flitsch and schnitzch scream his brains out. Yeah, it just means that idiot, doesn't it? You daft ape. With that, Herr Bisch made his way slowly up the staircase, leaving Giselle and George to do their dirty work. I'm really worried that this is going to be some horrible torture or, like, choppy-uppy something or other.

I don't know, it just feels too dark. Well, it's also stupid, because if they haven't got the blueprints and all they've got is slims, why are they going to chop his head off? They need him for the info. But are they going to do a like chop his finger off and send it to them in the post kind of thing? I don't think Dad's that sort of author. But that's what they do in Spy Things.

Yeah, true. Also, have you heard what we've just listened to? So he slowly made his way up the staircase leaving giselle and george to do their dirty work and that is the end of the chapter so if you don't think that it's going to be something as violent and awful and as atrocious as, you know, chopping some bits off slits, some slithers off slits, what do you think it's going to be? A tickle him to death?

To death? Or just tickle him? With some pampas grass. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think it's just going to be a bit of good fun, isn't it, really? You think it's going to be a bit of good fun? Or like sleep with him? Yeah, I think they're going to be a bit of good fun or like sleep with him yeah I think they're

going to give him such intense pleasure that it's almost like torture yeah he's going to surrender details or something

now you've said that that does sound right but I'm worried that you're both so on the same page as him if that does

turn out to be what happens oh you think that he'll just spill the beans and spill the beans spill his beans yeah exactly yeah but how big are his balls how many beans are gonna be spilled well you really don't

know you have to come back next week depends on his mood if he's uh i don't know how much you expel if you're worried very scared dribble so do come back next week because um we need to find out what's gonna happen to poor professor slints i'm worried about him i worried. I'm not that worried because I don't really care about him. And he's had no characterisation. I don't really know who Slintz is, but it would be sad. I mean, I don't think he's a bad guy. But in the meantime, get in touch on Twitter at Dad Wrote a Porno. We're on Instagram, My Dad Wrote a...

If you've got any insight into, be it the hump and skunk, be it ball size, any of the big issues raised on today's programme, it's MyDadWroteaporno at gmail.com. Yeah, seriously, we should do like a if you've been affected by anything. It's like an after school special, isn't it? Yeah. And don't forget we are going on tour next year as well.

So get your tickets. We're going all over the world. Just go to mydadwroteaporno.com forward slash live for all the dates and details. Well, that's another one completed, guys. Do you want to crack open the Magnum of Man-Fizz? Absolutely not. Okay, fair.

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