My Dad Wrote A Porno - S6E1 - 'Dust and Scrub, Scrub and Dust'

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

Jamie, Alice and James return to open book six of Rocky Flintstone's erotic saga, 'Belinda Blinked', and discover what has become of our eponymous heroine Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. It's season six. How has this happened, guys? Happy sixth birthday, everybody! And welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. It's season six. How has this happened, guys? Happy sixth birthday, everybody. It's happy sixth birthday, yes. They said it would never come. They said it was a terrible idea.

And they were us. And they continue to tow that party line. But here we are. You've made us cookies. That was nice. Yeah, they were stodgy, weren't they? They were quite stodgy. But very healthy.

As healthy as a cookie can be. Yeah, sesame seeds stodgy, weren't they? They were quite stodgy, but very healthy. As healthy as a cookie can be. Yeah, sesame seeds, tahini. You said they reminded you of, what was it, Jamie? Hot Crumbly. Do you remember Hot Crumbly, the breakfast cereal? No, I've literally never heard of Hot Crumbly. In the 90s. It was nuts and maybe some syrup in there.

And you added a little splash of milk and made it into a sort of porridge-based thing. But it was basically like baking a cake. I was going to say, are, sure it wasn't cake mixture. Yeah. Watch it be like muesli. It kind of had a look of muesli, but the way that you... Engaged with it. Yes, exactly.

The way that you put it together was very much... Put it together. Who's ever described eating cereal like that? Oh, wow, I love how you've put that together. Have you ever just put some milk on some cornflakes? Oh my God, here it is. Kellogg's Hot Oat Crumbly. Oh my God, it's hot crumbly with a K here it is. Kellogg's Hot Oat Crumbly. Oh my God, it's Hot Crumbly with a K.

I can't take it. Hot Oat Crumbly. Original, deliciously warming, oaty clusters. So yeah, it was kind of like... James, deal with this. I don't know what to say. Anyway, let's leave that to one side. Anyway, they were delicious cookies.

Thank you. Thank you so much. And your transition to an old woman is complete. Is this the longest we've ever not been on air for? I mean, don't say on air, but you know what I mean? On air? Is this the longest break we've ever had? No, I think so.

It's been about a year and a half, hasn't it? Well, you know, stuff's happened, hasn't it? Well, quite. But quite a palate cleanser, right? Because after a while, you do need to just rid your system of Rocky. I had to listen back to the last episode to kind of remember what had happened. Because I'd gone like you. I'd got kind of Rocky amnesia.

I'd kind of wiped it from my memory the body's a very clever responsive unit that wants to protect you from such things giving birth you forget all about it how have you been in the in the 18 months since the proper series what have you been i mean obviously it's not much has been going on what have you been what have you been doing like have you had hobbies you you were doing a lot of art weren't you doing my art doing my running you're becoming quite the artist these days oh thank you thank you i don't like to lot of art, weren't you? Doing my art, doing my running. You're becoming quite the artist these days. Oh, thank you. Thank you. I don't like to talk about it. Available now.

If you go to my Instagram, you can buy any of the original. Are you selling them? I've just been giving them as gifts, actually. But maybe I should... Get an Etsy going on. Do you think I include an invoice when I send them to friends and family? I have one in this kitchen. It's over there.

It's framed. Yeah. What do you draw? What are your inspirations? Naked ladies and flowers, mainly. Okay. So half of Rocky's passion and half of my own where are you getting the naked ladies i just passes by um whoever i can get to strip in front of my window um on zoom actually sorry so they strip on zoom yeah on zoom but they're just in their houses stripping they're not stripping they're already naked stripping suggests they gradually derose but they are nude because i did a a um what was it called um an nvq is that you've done

oh here we go what so jamie why do you wait until the start of the podcast to reveal all this weird what have you done an nvq in sorry no no no this is when i was a kid because it's basically a degree is it no i used to baccalaureate when i was four When you were a kid you did an NVQ Just for the international listeners It's basically a degree I did a baccalaureate when I was four Doing life drawing You did an NVQ in life drawing when you were a kid What?

I think it was in year 10 or 11 And we used to go to the next town Along from my school It was kind of like a night class I can't look at it Why are we at school at night? I'll just have to break it down down along from my school um it was kind of like a night class i can't look at him and it was night class why are we at school at night it was like an extra when he was in year 10 or 11 so he's doing his gcses but decided to opt into night school it was one day a week i did it with some

friends it was fun but but we had to how old were the friends well the woman that we had to draw was called Samantha, I remember. American. And what was great about it, which is why I mentioned it, was that you all were in a circle around Samantha. So everyone's picture had a different perspective. But she was great. And she just used to strip off and then we would draw her. But my point being being so when you

do it on zoom everyone's got the same perspective of your model so you're all in competition whereas the good thing when i did my mvq was that um you'd always go for the rear your art was never directly compared to each other's because you had a slightly different view that is the beauty of an mvq what a fucking roundabout way to tell us he has an mvq in life drawing this is where he tells us that he left school at nine or something. Yeah, honestly. Jamie, get it out of your system now before we start. I haven't even started reading the bloody book.

I'm so sorry. I've derailed it twice with Hot Crumbly and an NVQ. I never thought, I never thought, a hidden qualification that he did at life drawing. I mean, he's just full of surprises. I think it was by a salt museum, if I remember. Okay, shut up. Shut your goddamn mouth. I've had quite full of surprises. I think it was by a salt museum, if I remember. Okay, shut up. Shut your goddamn mouth.

I've had quite enough of you. He's trolling us. If you're not reading the book, I don't want to see that mouth flapping, all right? Deal, okay, fine. Salt museum. That's it. When did I sign up to be part of a podcast

that's basically Jamie's autobiography, where we get a new slice of his life every week? Why did he opt in? 15, 15 years old. You're interested in girls, you want to go out, you want to get drunk illegally. Why did he opt... 15. 15 years old. You're interested in girls. You want to go out. You want to get drunk. You were.

Okay. Jamie opts in for a night class. Can I just say, it was one night a week. It was a school night. I mean, I don't... I don't disapprove of anybody

bettering themselves, learning a new skill, apart from Jamie. And that is my only caveat. I thought that you would be an ally in this, Alice. You also enjoy life drawing.

It's the lies I can't take. Well, it's not even lies, is it? It's just, it's more... How is it lying? Years of omission. Deceptions and withholding. Deception, exactly. It's just a web of hiding.

It just never came up. Who are you? You know why he's so good at all the voices, don't you? He's a spy. I think he is. I don't think he's our friend at all. I've said that for years um right should we start reading okay before we start should i give us a quick roundup of uh where we got to

okay i'm going to time you though 30 seconds okay okay yeah i'm up to the challenge okay three two one go so belinda and bella were in australia hot on the tail of giselle who had turned against them um but they got arrested by giselle and Tony's long lost brother, George, who were working for Bish. And they were in the clink, but then they were broken out. Spooner came along and Giselle actually ended up breaking them out.

She turned good again because it turned out that her mum was ill and she was doing it all to raise money for her mum's illness. And she didn't actually kill Slint. Slint's killed himself. So she's good again. She's back in the Glee team.

In the meantime, Bish was like... And that's time i'm sorry what happened what happened next he kidnapped belinda in a hot air balloon james that's time they flew off into the australian skies and they both had a tattoo that had bbb on it and he and uh bish said yes family and we're like what what does that mean can he hear you when you say it's family? I mean, honestly. You are so over time. To be fair, a very, very energetic retelling and far more coherent than you. Do you know what I loved? When he was doing it, see how his hands were over his face like this? Tunnel vision, literally. Beautiful.

You were going to your mind palace, weren't you? Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Well, we don't all have an NVQ, Jamie. In storytelling. In storytelling. Okay, well, are we ready to delve into book six then? Yes, yes, yes.

I think it's long overdue. What's the chapter title, please, maestro? Okay, drum roll. Belinda Blink-6. Chapter one. Dust and scrub, scrub and dust. Is that like the hump and skunk a dust and scrub i feel a song coming on okay so belinda blink six chapter one dust and scrub scrub and dust I'm actually more excited than I thought I would be. We're so lucky to have this in our lives.

Aren't we? The over-emotional hooves of Toffee Apple Chew. Hmm. Sporting her most solemn rosette. She's got a rosette on. Wait, could she be at the, what are the championships called? Or do you think she's done an MVQ in life drawing? Life saving.

Sporting her most solemn rosette. Not a thing. Pulled the coach containing Laird Spooner of Gretna Green posthumous to his final resting place in Westminster Abbey. Okay, I have to be honest. I thought we'd pick up exactly where we left off. It sounds like this is... It was a funeral. Yeah, I have to be honest. I thought we'd pick up exactly where we left off. It sounds like this is... Well, it's a funeral.

Yeah, a week, two weeks, three weeks later. And also the Toffee Apple Chew, who we've never really known the job of, but is a kind of rescue horse, like Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, and also... Does funerals. Does funerals.

Bar mitzvahs, funerals, weddings. Very busy horse. So is Spooner having Like a state funeral He's at Westminster Abbey Westminster Abbey yeah And a laird That's like a Scottish Lord Yeah

Just a quick question Final resting place Will be Westminster Abbey Is he a king Isn't that where the kings are Where will he go Well there are tombs But it's for kings isn't it

Tombs He's not getting a tomb Spooner Yeah you're right Because It can't be his final resting place. Yeah, okay. I can't believe he's having...

He does not deserve a state funeral. Who are you to say? He's rubbish at his job. Wow. He died, James. James, you have to read the mood of the nation for these things. What, you think that it was like Diana, like there was public pressure?

They were like, give Spooner the state funeral he deserves yeah because if anything he's undercover in a lot of his work so how would anybody surely this is a kind of breach of some kind of secret it's revealing him to be the spy he always was um so he's being dragged um or pulled at his final resting place in westminster ab. In his honour, the damp London streets were filled with heartbroken citizens. No. All playing Mozart's Requiem on their spoons. Oh, spoons for spoons.

Spoons for spoons. I'm sorry too, obviously RIP. But it doesn't feel quite as I imagined. Do you mind if I just get some spoons? Please do. Right, so I've got some spoons? Please do. Right, so I've got the spoons. Yeah.

Right, here we go. Got some. So Moat starts reprimand. Do you know that by heart? Can you give me like a vague blast? Well, it's a hard one to kind of end. It's very, it's very core. It's very like.

It's quite frantic. It's like. Yeah, exactly. Okay. Doesn't quite have the same dramatic. It'd make me cry. But it's thousands of people doing that. That's a racket, isn't it?

The streets were covered. It's not a spoon solo. You can't really recreate strings with two bits of metal. It's almost why we use more sophisticated instruments than spoons for orchestras. What a nice little motif, though. Lovely motif. So they're all crying. What a nice little motif, though. Lovely motif.

So they're all crying. The much-honoured James Spooner, laird of Gretna Green's state funeral, was a small reward for a man who had given up so much to public life and the royals personally. As the horns burped and the trumpets trumped, Bella Ridley blew every emotion out of her nose. Bella shouldn't be there either.

I know. At a state funeral, Bella Ridley. Give me a break. There's limited seating. Well, people are lining the streets, guys. I mean, the public are there. Anybody could turn up. Heads of state, you know, presidents, prime ministers, and Bella.

Oh, she was the first of the mourners following the cortege as it entered the abbey. The first. Why? She's not his wife. Well, true to the much-honoured James Spooner Laird of Gretna Green's... We're just going to call him this the whole time. True to the much-honoured James Spooner Laird of Gretna Green's wishes, mourners followed... Mourners?

Mourners. That's all. It's bloody murder. Mourners followed in the order he had last ravaged them. Oh, now you've explained it. Yeah, fair enough. No, that is following protocol. Is that in the will?

Which caused much confusion and bitterness between his many ex-wives. Also, how do you define ravage? I mean, like, you know, is it a stroke on the arm or is it like full-on sex? And how are you comparing notes? i mean like you know is it a is it a stroke on the arm or is it like full-on sex and how are you comparing notes are you in a whatsapp group and you're like well i remember we last had sex on this date and then somebody one-upmanship said i don't know um but it caused much confusion and bitterness between his many ex-wives he'd sworn to charlene

spooner that he'd only fingered beryl spooner after their divorce was signed in his own blood. How many? The many, many lives and wives of Spooner. A drawer full of spooners. I swear to you, I only fingered her. Can you imagine that conversation? I only fingered her after the divorce was signed. Why is he only fingering women he's divorced? I'm so confused. But the sheer number of conquests was playing havoc

with the stuffy commentators of BB3 News. BB3? Belinda Blink 3? Of Belinda Blink 3 News. Does he mean BBC? BB3 News. He can't say BBC, can he?

Oh, so he just said BBC. He can't say BBC. That would be illegal. Oh, so this has got news coverage. This has got live news coverage as well.

So this is on BBC 3, which is like a youth channel. BB3 News is covering The home of Gavin and Stacey. And two pints of lager and a packet of crisps. Is doing the coverage. Okay, well, I guess whoever got the rights. So they're playing have it with the stuffy commentators of BB3 News.

Leading the cortege is Miss Bella Ridley, the newly appointed international sales director of functional lifestyle brand Steels, Bots and Pens. Bella's got Belinda's job. Oh my God. I couldn't even hear her new title because why is it being delivered like it's the Olympics? Why is it like now taking to the floor

to do her routine as young upstart Bella Ridley? So presumably, sorry, just filling in the gaps, Belinda's long gone. So they're not going to try and save her, they just replace her and get on with their lives. Yeah, so Bella's now Belinda. Yeah, where's Cox when you need them? Yeah.

So Bella, the newly appointed international sales director of functional lifestyle brand Steel Sports and Pants. I do love their ramekins, Jocasta. And is that the Russian minister for propaganda? For what? Propaganda. Propaganda. Propaganda. Propaganda. For propaganda.

The one they call the Goryakchiak Zenditsa of global politics. The very same. Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? The one that they call... Nope. The one that they call the Goryakaya Zadinstaza of global politics. What are you saying? Can I see it?

Yeah. Goryachaya. Can you just Google this on Translate? Oh, must I? Oh, it's not a name. No, so they call this person the Goryachaya Zadinstaza of global politics. I mean, how that could be pronounced wrong when Jamie says it, I just don't know. So G-O-R-Y-A-c-h-a-y-a come on slower g-o-r-y-D-N-I-T-S-A.

Hot ass. The one they call the hot ass of global politics. Well, that was worth it, wasn't it? Jesus. So the one they call the gory-a-tri-a-z-a-d-ed-sta. Just say hot ass. Just hot ass. The one they call the hot ass of global politics?

It can't be. My, he did get around. He absolutely did. For there's the Grand High Prince of Liechtenstein just behind that milkmaid. Oh my God, how long is this list going to be?

I can't do a full register of people that attend this bloody funeral. There's a milkmaid there. It's a who's who. A milkmaid? What is this? From the Grand High

Prince of Liechtenstein to a milkmaid. He did get around, didn't he? From the Grand High Prince of Lichtenstein to a milkmaid. He did get around, didn't he? Let's be honest. I don't know what you're talking about. Really, really lost. I'm really sorry. I don't know what you mean.

Tears flowed as Her Majesty Queen Lizzie II... Oh, shut up. ...delivered the eulogy to her favourite wee laddie. The Queen did the eulogy? So wait, are we really missing something? I doubt it. Spoiler. But are we underestimating his influence somehow?

I don't think so. I really, really don't think so. I think Rocky's just been like, if you're going to do a funeral... Go big or go home. Oh my God, go huge. From outside the biggest church, Toffee Appletew wailed a mournful... No! You don't really know ifailed a mournful, No! You don't really know if it's mournful or celebratory, do you?

It's just a horse. She's wearing her solemn rosette. Which I'm assuming is like a big black rosette. And a little veil over her eyes. Oh, lovely. Very tasteful. Bit of lace. She'd always loved being ridden by James Spooner. And the thought of each of his buttock buddies never again slapping her muscular back

made her weep out her impossibly long eyelashes. Why are we personifying Toffee Apple Chew quite so much? I don't approve of that one bit. And it was a sentiment shared by Bella in particular. Bella's sharing a sentiment with Toffee Apple Chew. With a horse. To be fair, they're on a level. And it was a sentiment shared toffee apple chew. With a horse. To be fair, they're on a level. And that was, and it was a sentiment shared by Bella in particular.

For her, this was a double morning. Stop saying morning. Why are you saying moul merler? What do you say? Morning. Why are you saying like sole mounier? What do you say? We say what people say, morning.

What do you say? It's got a U in it. It's morning. Okay. For her, this was a double morning. Why does it pain him to just... God, he's so annoying. For her, this was a double morning.

Stop it. I'm going to freak out. To smack you, COVID or no, I'm coming over there. I'm going to freak. For her, this was a double morning. Her boss and plate. Okay, I've never ever lost it and turned the table over, but I will. He's provoking us.

I know he is. Her boss and playmate, Belinda Blumenthal, was missing, presumed dead. Well, they've chosen to presume her dead. I was going to say, they very much saw her flying into the sky. They know she was fine. The deputy CEO of Bish Ha hair stallone was unable to help the australian authorities as to her whereabouts and the matter had quickly been forgotten do you know where she is no okay okay nothing else we can do just another unlucky tourist

lost in the bush full of dust and scrub dust and scrub. There you go. Dust and scrub, scrub and dust. You would think it would be quite an interesting investigation if somebody escaped in a hot air balloon. Yeah. It's like media frenzy, isn't it? Yeah, in all my years, we've never had something like this. I wouldn't look into it. They're like, I've forgotten. Half a world away, it had been well over two days

as the balloon flew on and on and on and on over the dried out landscape of scrub and dust. Okay, right. So much to talk about. So what Rocky's implying is, if this is like parallel with what's happening at the funeral, they've got Spooner's body and organised the state funeral all in two days.

In two days. 48 hours. Yeah, they've done that. That takes that long to fly to England from Australia. Well, all in two days. In two days. 48 hours. Yeah, they've done that. That takes that long to fly to England from Australia. Well, not quite two days. It leaves them a little bit of time. It's very efficient, James.

Yeah. Maybe they got that direct flight from Perth. Oh yeah, that's only 18 hours so then you've got ages left. Jamie, I haven't finished. The other thing is they've been in the air for two days in this hot air balloon.

Is that what we're led to believe here? Yeah. Led to believe. Okay, interesting. They've had enough fuel to be in the air for two days and they're now flying over the outback ISU. Scrub and dust.

Scrub and dust. I imagine they have food in that balloon that's desperately inappropriate to survive. It's going to be like cold cuts or like oysters or something. Do you not remember? It's Bavarian meat. Oh, yes.

We do know. Cheeses and bread. That does keep though. For two days. Oh, we get keeps. yes, we do know. Cheeses and bread. Yes. Oh, that does keep, though. For two days. Oh, yeah, it keeps, but... What, meats? Or bread. Under a flame.

Also, how many people are in the hot air balloon? Bish, George and Belinda. So they've got... Three. Two days, three people. How are they doing their ablutions? Oh, God. Over the side.

That's quite dangerous, isn't it? Imagine Bish hanging over the side, trying to do a wee. His rancid innards. Oh my God. His gentleman's woof knocks everybody out. God knows what else comes out of it. At least there's a lot of airflow in a hot air balloon.

Yeah, but there's also flames. It could set the whole thing on fire. Belinda was so scared, her asshole was munching through her nicks. Oh God. Oh, he's just skimming over that. That's absolutely disgusting. That is rancid. So her bum was eating her knickers?

Yeah, chewing her knicks. She was so scared that her asshole was munching through her knicks at a similar rate of knots, about 69. Belinda Blumenthal peeled back an eyelid just a millimetre. Through the crack in her eye she saw the crack of an ass george sylvester the evil brother in this tale what a strange change in tone was bent was bent over rummaging for something secret and no doubt naughty she must have taken them bish that special bitch she'll see the inside of me knife the inside of your knife

menacing and then confusing i'm so scared no i'm not the sharpest bit of a knife is the inside of the knife you fool no better than that you is a ninny hammer. What? You vool. No, better Zanzat, you is a ninny hammer. A ninny hammer, okay. Bish was throthing at the jaws and Belinda could smell everything he'd ever eaten through his teeth. This is what I'm saying. That's just what's coming from his mouth.

Think how big the basket of a balloon is. Like, it's tinier than this table really yeah oh yeah definitely so this is a very large table it's at least two meters two meters by two meters by two meters you might say um so any one time when he's bending over for example when when george is rummaging i mean that's right in her face it's a bum in your face isn't it yeah there's no gap yeah so she could smell everything he'd ever eaten through his teeth. Everything he'd ever eaten. Not even just the Bavarian meats and cheeses.

As a kid. She could smell the hot crumbly. In fact, the pair had been non-stop stuffing their lips with specially imported East German original cheese bars. Cheese bars. Cheese bars. Beer, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Et cetera, et bars. Beer, etc, etc, etc. Etc, etc.

Can't be bothered to think. It's not my place to fill in the gaps, except it is. That food group tended to make Belinda burp, or even worse fart. Why are we doing so much about bodily processes? It's supposed to be sexy, and we're just talking about people's IBS. Burping and farting.

Alice, you just missed him saying same. Same. Yeah, yeah, I'm gassy when drinking beer. And cheese bars. I hope everyone's enjoying their Belinda beers, actually, as a matter of fact. Wow, seamless. So that food group tended to make Belinda burp or even worse fart, so she decided to go hungry rather than embarrass herself in front of her two worst enemies. Well, I's no way to live is it like it's all it's all human i mean we all but we all fought some you know i sometimes fart and and you can it's been known the amount we've had to cover in the edit so i don't think you should i don't think you should be embarrassed even in front of your mortal enemies so i know how she feels actually you are a gassy lady yeah i mean i don't want to make it public, but you said it first.

Wow. Okay, I don't think that's completely fair. I actually think that's defamatory. But if you put together a montage of all those audio clips you have, people can come to their own conclusions. On the third day, Bish started to fall ill. George, you asshole. Vomit chunderbarf.

You have the barf. Vomit chunderbarf. Vomit chunderbarf. You vomit chunderbarf. Vomit chunderbarf. Vomit chunderbarf. I say vomit chunderbarf. Vomit chunderbarf. I thought that was like a German column. Vomit chunderbarf. Come here.

Hair vomit chunderbarf. Hello, I'm James Vomit Chunderbarf. Oh, you know Mrs. Marshark of Ulster Clos? I'm Hair Vomit Chunderbar. I'm family's holiday together, isn't it? Vomit Chunderbar? I don't understand the context. So it goes, George, you asshole.

And then in brackets it says Vomit Chunderbath. So he Vomit Chunderbathed. Yes. So it goes George, you asshole. Vomit Chunderbath. You have spew sick wretch. So he's like, George, you Oh God.

George, you asshole! Vomit Chunderbuff, you have spew sick wretch. Poison me! Belched Bish as he emptied his guts over the side for the umpteenth time. The idea of being in that basket is... The idea of being in the garden below when that Vomit Chunderbuff comes down. You're in a sun lounger inbuff comes down you're in a sun lounger in

your garden and then you're like oh I think it's raining oh my god it's vomit chunderbuff excuse the grudge

I wasn't supposed to vomit chunderbuff today so he's belching trapped in that basket is just hell I will have your

ass for this atrocity on my belly tubes crank belly tubes it's so visceral. So stupid. And it ends with crank,

which I assume is another word for being sick. Crank is ill in German, yeah. Ich bin crank. I am ill. Oh, I think I've got James with us. Don't blame me, hair wolf gang.

Try that nasty piece of a pot seller over. Or should I say MI6 British intelligence... Oh, don't do that. That actually made me nearly vomit. How did you do that noise? It's just club theatre. You don't think leaving cheese and ham out in the sun

under that hot, hot fire is going to do something, do you? I couldn't possibly have turned bad, could I? I've got food poisoning with all the food in the basket or a diet of cheese non-stop for three days no water just beer they've got scurvy

or should I say MI6 British intelligence oh stop doing that why is he doing it so realistically I bet you she's behind

this somehow As he was all mightily sick Belinda smiled Belinda's poison Back at Steel's HQ Oh, for God's sake Bella was out of her depth of her new duties Well, no shit, Sherlock

Whenever things got tough She looked at a post-it note on her word processor unit It simply said Switch me on Live, laugh, love Whenever things got tough, she looked at a post-it note on her word processor unit. It simply said... Switch me on. Live, laugh, love. It's just an arrow to the power button. It simply said www.google.com. www.steelspotsandpans.co.uk.

That's where to start. Just go on the website. So it simply said www.goelspotsandpans.co.uk That's where to start. Just go on the website. So it simply said, WWBD. Who would Belinda do? Oh, who? I thought it would be what would. A client?

It's clever. A manufacturer? An intern? Whoever it took. But that's kind of a good motto, really, because that did do Belinda quite proud. Bella is not qualified for this job whatsoever. Just then, Des Martin knocked on her

brushed antique brass knob. It had beautiful gold threading around the bulb bit and it was stunning to touch and see. Tell us more about the door handle. Yeah. Why has that had two sentences? Rumours had long circulated

that it had been recovered from the Mary Rose. But who knew for real? The Mary Rose? That's a Tudor warship. The home of the sauce, the prawn sauce. Yeah, the Mary Rose is the sauce, yeah. But the Mary Rose is definitely a...

Google Mary Rose. You're absolutely right. A warship of the English Tudor navy of King Henry VIII. She served for 33 years in several wars against France, Scotland and Brittany. I feel like that's probably the most expensive item in the whole office. It would be priceless probably. You would imagine it would be in a museum that's probably the most expensive item in the whole office. It would be priceless probably. You would imagine it would be in a museum, yeah.

It's worth more than the whole company. And has she, sorry, I mean why are we dwelling this long, but has she had that fitted since she's become sales director? Oh, do you think? She brought it with her from her office. I don't think she had an office, did she? She brought that knob with her from reception. Dropping a muffin mould

prototype, Bella bent down. Her mini skirt rolled right up her thighs so Des could see her undergarments clear as sticky back plastic. I can see next week's washing, his eyebrows pranced. It's quite funny though. Next week's as well. Because she's wearing them today, so they're going to get washed next week. Yeah, I guess. Is that how people do it?

This chapter's disgusting. Enter my favourite RSM. Bella's upside down headset. Now that, 18 months isn't long enough for a break from that. What? Bella's upside down head. Because she's like bent over. She's like upside down.

Through her legs. And is her underwear clear um what was no he could just see her undergarments as clear as sticky back plastic

right oh unless they are cellophane knickers I don't know be weird but I wouldn't put it past this book enter my favourite

RSN Bella's upside down head said not so fast he smiled I'm not Bella replied what but des continued

what hang on enter my favorite rsn not so fast i'm not what he's confused himself brooke he's confused himself but des continued basically you know sir james has stepped back from the business and handed over the chairmanship to Tony Sylvester? Exposition! All happened in two days. Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Losing the Trioxy Brillo blueprints and the death of their inventor, Professor Slint, has been very sad for him.

Bella recapped. Well, Des continued, he's still to be involved as a major shareholder of course but his new mission in life is to track down the killer of his first wife arabelle that and the people responsible for belinda bloom and false disappearance and god help them if he ever found the two crimes are connected to the same person so sir james has left the chairmanship of steel spots and fans to become like some private vigilante yeah batman um oh my god he is that just a very elderly batman wealthy man in a castle so arabelle we know died in suspicious circumstances with a parachute very cool yes yeah but that was never in the book that was in like a random bit of extra

stuff he wrote oh right so wait he's referring back to something he didn't even include in the book i think that was a rocky question we asked him once so we as a reader would be the first time learning that his wife had died how helpful okay great okay so we'll just forget we know that um fantastic so yeah he's gone off to fight crime Tony's bumped up Bella's bumped up and the RSMs have just stayed

where they are they probably stay the same poor bastard they are stagnant he's a man on a mission so Bella responded so

Tony's now chairman which means I'm the new MD of Steeles Pots and Pens. What? You what? Jess Martin. Wow.

Yeah, precisely. Altogether now. Wow. Bella screamed and immediately pulled down her French bloomers. French bloomer, aren't they like big kind of bloomy shorts? Yeah, like a Regency period. Yeah, they're sort of gathered. Yeah, they're like a kind of likeomy shorts yeah like a regency period like yeah something that are sort of gathered yeah they're like a kind of like frilly old school voluminous pedal pusher

fucking massive why has she gone from a thong to a like a massive french bloomer and when she was bent over i was worried that she'd be revealing all but she's not revealing a goddamn thing exactly i mean it'll take a week to wash them, that's why. Yeah. Through the old mangle. So, wow. As she pulled down her French bloomers. Good for you. Now give me a fat cock. Oh.

Bella climbed up onto the new wooden desk with carved mermaid legs. She's done a right overhaul of this office. She's turned maritime. Yeah, why is it so naval? Rolling onto her backbone She pulled her legs behind her ear Lobes

Yeah, lobes, that's right She profited her open vagina Like the dessert trolley to Toby Carvery So we'll say Toby Carvery But we won't say BBC For those who don't know, a Toby Carvery Is like, it's basically like a buffet, isn't it? It's like where you can get like a full Sunday roast.

Well, you could pre-pandemic. Will that come back? Who knows? Oh, that's true. That's true. One of the great losses. Have you ever been? I actually haven't.

That was really harsh. I actually haven't been. No, no. Good Yorkshire puddings. Oh, okay. Good Yorkshire puddings. And people always rave that you can have all of the meats. I mean, I don't eat meat, but like all of the meats.

It's basically a British flunch, really. It's very much so. Yeah, it's a flunch yeah they probably have to change the name for legal reasons so she's so she opened her vagina like the dessert trolley at a toby is a trolley a dessert trolley yeah there is a troll uh i can't remember it's a cabinet or a trolley does it remind you of vagina it doesn't really have the opening mechanism of a vagina or anything reminiscent. Please see the first five books. And boy, was she going to have all the meat she could eat. There you go, you see, because you can have the pork, the chicken, the beef, you can have it all. Yeah, but we were talking about the dessert trolley, so what meaty desserts is she eating?

Mincy trifle. Is it very medieval? I don't know. Oh yeah, because they did combine, didn't they? Oh, I suppose it could be like a Heston Blumenthal meat fruit yes no relation of course Des Martin took his blood filled joint

in both hands his blood filled joint what it's been jointed crikey Des Martin took his blood filled joint

in both hands well one hand and two fingers and guided that's weirdly incredibly explicit yeah one hand and two fingers and guided that's weirdly incredibly explicit yeah one hand the two fingers really like that really like brings it to life doesn't it yeah so to speak his blood-filled joint in both hands well one hand and two fingers and guided himself into

bella's very own muffin mold with ease and triumph so wait he's shagging the muffin mold she was so warm and slippery des was reminded of a creme brulee that had been left to cool for three to five minutes. Don't ever let Des near the dessert trolley. Seriously, what's he putting where? Oh my god, can you imagine him cracking through that sugary top? As his

flappy foreskin rolled up and down his sensitive glands, his liquid affection was trickling loose. Oh my god. Liquid affection is incredible. I'm covered in his liquid affection was trickling loose oh my liquid affection is incredible i'm covered in your liquid affection can i say it's odd that this is the most reassuring bit of the chapter so far it feels like we're on very kind of familiar familiar ground anchored to something having sex back at steel's pots and pans it's nice nice to be home and i say that knowing how damaged you are. Yeah.

He left her pleasure dome and aimed his super soaker over Bella's belly. There's some kind of childhood references in here that's quite upsetting. I mean, I used to love a little super soaker. A super soaker, yeah. How does he know what a super soaker is? The essence of MD flowed all over her like runny cement. Essence of MD.

So there's no essence of RSsm left in him it's gone straight to md he's fully somehow do you know what's a real kick in the old balls is um that des got it over any of the rsms i think i would have given it to paddy yeah no paddy's too much fun he wouldn't take it seriously i I think Ken Dewsbury. No. Ken Dewsbury? You know, gets on with the job, you know, good salt of the earth. He's quite old school, Ken Dewsbury, though, isn't he? That's true.

If this is the future of Steeles, do you want some... I mean, I don't even know if Paddy's young blood or not. I just like the cut of his jib. Bella squealed in delight. The new job had just got unbelievably better. Well, she could do that before, couldn't she? Yeah, I was going to say, literally nothing has changed. As the hot air balloon sailed...

Oh, my God. Exhausting. Pulls from pillar to post. I feel like I've been on the hot air balloon for two days. As the hot air balloon sailed to the whims of wind... That's quite good. How long has this hot air balloon been in the air? It's so easily pleased these days.

As the hot air balloon sailed to the whims of wind, Belinda felt like Richard Branson, but she was no virgin. I don't think Richard Branson was a virgin. That's not why he called his company Virgin. Is it not? Because he was a virgin. I don't know. He was like 60.

Yeah, but he wasn't when he set it up, was he? No, that can't be why. He would be like, what should I call my company? Well, I'm a virgin. What am I? I'm a virgin, I suppose. It's very bold to put it out there. Because he did love a hot air balloon, didn't he, in the 90s?

Well, he's done everything, hasn't he? He was always up in one. Let's have a look. Has he ever ventured into pots and pans? Is that one area he's never done? Good question. I don't know. Did the Virgin Megastore have pots and pans did you make a store forgot about the virgin megastore i mean i've said was i've written was richard branson a virgin when

he set up virgin and weirdly there's not actually any articles on that they're all just about what a successful billionaire he is maybe he called it Virgin because it was his first company. Yeah, I was going to say, I think we can pretty safely say he didn't call it Virgin. Wait, how old was he when he set it up? To be fair, he did set up his first business venture at 16. So he was pretty young.

But even if he was a Virgin when he called it Virgin, I don't think it's because he was a Virgin. Okay, fine. He's 70 now. He's definitely not a Virgin now. He's got kids, doesn't he? He's not a a virgin. Yeah, okay, fine. He's 70 now. He's definitely not a virgin now, no. He's got kids, doesn't he? He's not a virgin now.

So, she was no virgin. And we know this of Belinda. Her not eating had turned out to be an astute move as the local Bish caterers had gotten their sell-by dates wrong. It was obvious the two miscreants were slowly succumbing to the most painful of food poisoning, if not debatable death. Wow, saved by the sandwiches. So, Bish had hired some caterers to...

To stock his getaway balloon. And so how often do they replenish it in case it's the day for the getaway? Well, clearly not enough, you see. Well, clearly not enough. Well, no, no, they might replenish it enough, but they've got the labels wrong. Oh, right, sorry. So it's just an admin error. So it didn't sound catered, it just sounded like it was a load of ham and cheese it's a catered affair lovely belinda inched herself slowly across to the gas bottle where

the balloon's controls were situated behind the shitting george she cast her mind back to hunter rue the chap she'd once fucked in the bahamas who not only taught her the virtues of a well-lubricated bodyboard but also took her hot air ballooning oh hunter wow he sounds like a romantic hunter rue hottie flying it was a fairly simple arrangement fire the gas to go up and don't to go down i'd love to know a bit more about the going down it's so funny like a lot of her like previous like boyfriends taught us didn't one of them teach you how to caravan caravanning yeah one of them's taught her how to hot air balloon she's very cultured renaissance woman really belinda yeah i feel like she's used her dalliances

to her advantage hasn't she she just lives a great life, really. I mean, not currently. And this sounds awful, but yeah. So you fire the gas to go up and you don't to go down. So she didn't. Belinda was going down, so she switched off the gas supply. Yes. Well, I'm surprised there's any left after three days. Belinda searched the now too unconscious future jailbirds

and deprived them of their knives, cell phones and dignity. Stripping them both to their bare skins, she threw overboard their blood-soaked Spooner garments. Unnecessary, really. Why would you do that? Maybe out of respect? Respect? For them?

Or for Spooner? I was like, okay. Belinda had expected George's penis to be the identical twin of tony's but brothers didn't wash that way because george was big no huge weight massive in the trunk department it had to explain his evil confidence so what we're supposed to assume if you ever meet anybody who's got bad energy or they're kind of evil massive schlong well Belinda had lived long enough to know that the bigger the cock the bigger the cock oh very nice

little rule of thumb for you there bigger the cock the bigger the cock on the other tit she pitied the skeletal sack of bish

yeah oh can you imagine just like hunched probably covered in what was it chunder spew spew foam and whatever else foam he looked like Oh, can you imagine just hunched, probably covered in, what was it? Chunderspew foam and whatever else. Foam.

He looked like Gollum of the Shire without his nice smile. Nice smile? Oh, I guess when Gollum's nice, when he's Smeagol, he's got quite a nice smile. Has he? I think he's quite menacing. I wouldn't say he's got a lovely smile. It's quite creepy, I'd say. Scary. Bish is definitely giving Gollum vibes.

Dobby from Harry Potter. Oh, yes. Who else? Any goblins, really. Any goblins. Any goblins. Have you seen Gremlins? Sort of Gremlin-y.

Belinda gazed at the matching tattoo on his human rind and began to weep water. What could it ever mean? But what did it mean when she got it? Because she didn't just go, do whatever you want, did she? Oh, I'll have page four, whatever's on there. Unless Bish had been to the same tattoo parlour and they took a picture and it was on the wall.

She was like, oh, that's nice, I'll have that. For three Bs, yeah, lovely. What could it ever mean? She demanded to know, but she was just as stumped as herself. She pointed her beautiful signet ring at it and snapped a photo. Shut up. She's got a signet ring with a camera in.

I used to have a ring with a watch on it. Oh, yeah. Remember those? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? It had a kind of, it was a watch, but it was a ring. I've never heard of that.

It was a very small face. Very small face. Yeah, it was part of the job. For young eyes. Mood rings. Do you ever have a mood ring so bad i had one i was perpetually sad like every time it was like dark black dark black is that thing um yeah i was always miserable you had a mood ring i mean for a brief period oh my god that's that's a look isn't it it's bold i once had a break you know those like colorful braids you can get on holiday i do i had one of those once that's appropriation i actually had a yin yang uh necklace oh my god yin yang and braids

well you'd be cancelled james no but they were all like the things you bought all like the tat you bought on holiday yeah wow now Wow, now it's tat. How quickly he turns. Look at that. Where did you go on holiday to though? Like Dorset? No, like Tenerife and like Greek islands and things like that. And they had all these like touristy.

What? I mean, again, it's, I mean, it's a bit like Jamie's revelations. You were jet setting at a young age, weren't you? Oh, we used to go to all the, for some reason, I was like 10. Our parents would take us to like the party cities in like, so Cyprus, we used to go to all the um for some reason i was like 10 our parents would take us to like the party cities in like so cyprus we went to ayia napa corfu went to kavos does your mom love a rave no and she'd complain about how noisy the hotels ones i'd be like mom we're literally in the like party town oh god it was awful awful holidays but they always insisted where else do we go

but lovely jewellery and that's what's important the use for accessories yeah so she pointed her ring at this and snapped a photo as the negative printed from the band of gold look metal

she pushed the gas lever to fire and jumped out of the balloon basket Belinda blinked and that's the end of the chapter Jesus, so she threw the clothes overboard She set the balloon up into the sky And she's jumped out God knows how high up she is

Well she made it go down if you remember No she didn't because you can't She switched off the gas to make it go down a bit If you fur because you can't the only thing you did then she switched off the gas to make it go down a bit no you can't if you fur back you can't make it go down you can only make it go up

right okay so what she just jumped to her death but what are you suggesting she took it right to the ground like what six feet's probably

as safe as you can be yeah to jump out and then she set it straight back off in the air again how because you have to be in it yeah it's not a car

it's not like yeah I mean I don't know I've never been holidaying with Hunter Rue so I wouldn't know so a lot of promotions a lot's changed within the company

structure at Steeles yeah absolutely Belinda's now free of Bish if she hasn't broken her legs so that's good but we don't know if they're dead no

but they're very ill and naked and she's taken a picture of the tattoo so she's clearly wanting answers there she's got it on herself she she's taken a picture of the tattoo, so she's clearly wanting answers there. She's got it on herself. Yeah, she doesn't need the picture, of course,

because she has it, their identical tattoo. So that was a waste of time. And who gave her the ring? We presume Spooner. That may never be answered, Alice. I wouldn't worry too much about that. Well, well, well, well. Here we are.

What's it like to be back, guys? Regretting it yet? Confusing. It's hard to know where we're going to go from here Like where the story's going to take us now So Belinda's still in Australia presumed dead Well actually the balloon's been in the air for nearly three days So where could we have got to? Yeah I bet he thinks we're flying

I bet we're somewhere in Europe as far as Ruck is concerned He thinks that a balloon travels at the same speed as an aeroplane, doesn't he? She's going to drop down and land in the chimney of the safe house and just

and somebody's going to be like what's the racket? And she'll be like hi guys. I'm back. So come back next week because we will be reading chapter two.

Do you want to know the title? We used to do that, didn't we? Yeah. We used to share the titles. Yeah, give us the title. A little preview. Chapter two is called The Flying Doctor. Oh flying doctor oh no idea what that's about do we know any doctor oh

dr robbins robbins yeah dr stirred oh yeah dr stirred oh now he's interested um so yeah let's go back next monday porno day is back once more yes and we i don't think we said this before but you can follow or subscribe to us wherever you listen to your podcast so you never miss an episode you'll get an alert as soon as it's out yeah and it helps us out and you can write a little review and for some reason we only accept five star ones so yeah yeah you can only click the five star button so unfortunately that's the only function available um but yeah we never ask for that so thank you if you take the time to do that. Absolutely. You can find us on social media as well. It's at dadwroteaporno on Twitter.

It's mydadwrotea on Instagram. And it's some variation of that on the other ones. You can email us too at mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com. We should probably mention as well the tour. Oh yes, of course. Oh yeah, the long postponed tour. I mean, Belinda will be 45 by the time we get back on the road but yes we are coming back do not worry yes we we've pushed the tour into 2022 and we're keeping

everything crossed that it'll be okay um a lot of dates have sold out but there are some tickets still available so if you just go to the website my dad wrote a porno.com forward slash live and also people might not be able to make the new date so there probably will be tickets in most places so do please check in your area and she'll be like one of those basics won't you where she's like still 30 or still 21 and i hope you've had a good listening party however you've been doing it we're back in the groove now i know this is fun send us your listening party pictures or what you've been up to we'd love to see it so uh see you next month day gross paulo's back basically sorry that'll be the cookies So, see you next Monday. Gross. Poor nose back, basically.

Sorry, that'll be the cookies.