My Dad Wrote A Porno - S6E3 - 'Hard As The Rocks'

Episode Date: June 6, 2021

Safely in Sydney, Belinda finally reunites with some of her old friends and finds things have changed while she's been missing. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. Episode three is upon us, guys. Woo! Oh, we should say, Jamieie congratulations are in order i believe oh yes congratulations on your baby thank you so much yeah you've had a baby yeah um godfather not actual of my baby i mean it's kind of yours i'll be stealing it um i do i do love him already

he's very cool um godfather isn't the whole thing like the child's supposed to follow your example guidance yeah i'm a spiritual guide so I think he'll be God help that child I was gonna say I don't think he'll get very far in life but I'll just be good to be around I've already condemned the baby

I don't think he's gonna get very far in life I feel like he's gonna make him like do theatre and like we're gonna definitely have some kitchen discos that'll be fun kitchen discos yeah like play some music and like dance around with him do you say that in the like that the Godfather pals well i'm not sure what the kind of process is because this is actually my second godfathership um is it who else is i'm actually godfather to

dan schreiber's uh little boy who was on no such thing as a fish yeah who did one of our footnotes back in the day how are you gathering so many god kit oh wait a sec you've got loads haven't you oh i've got hundreds yeah people ask me and i don't i don't think i don't ever think i quite comprehend what you're signing up to because it isn't the whole thing like if the parents die you have to take the child i think that's the traditional thing am i under any legal obligation i mean james you don't even send them a birthday card so i think it's fine they're not going to leave them with you if anything bad happens james doesn't even know the names of his godkids. Right. A, I do. I do. And I do. Naming them all now. I'm trying to think how many I've actually got. I think it's like four. Oh my God. Are you serious? I was so excited to

be a godfather and he doesn't even care. Hey, that is not, I love those goddamn godchildren. I love them all. And I do know all their names. Don't make him say it on the record. He knows their names. Of course. It's interesting on the record. He knows their names. Of course, of course. It's interesting, isn't it, that Jamie couldn't wait to be a godfather. Just another bit of power. Are you not a godmother, Alice? I've never been asked.

Says a lot about a person, I feel. Literally, not even an inkling. Not even a feeling that I might be on the short list. Well, you're not from a religious background, are you, heathen so maybe that's why but i do know religious people so that's interesting in fact one of our best friends had a baby and um she didn't mention it i think you make a good godparent yeah you love you and rich i mean that's just one of the fancy imagine inheriting all that all that spare income just sloshing around oh my god i don't know i don't know what you're talking about but let's just say james can't remember

how many gold kisses he's got i can't remember how much money i've got i can't i can't keep track i just do it be like imagine the dinnerware they're gonna inherit oh lovely sorry sorry i'll go along with the joke for so long. But I mean, the dinnerware is going, that's going straight to a museum. But yes, we should get reading the book because things are happening. Oh, sorry, Jamie. Can I just shout out to my godkids?

Hope they're all well. Oh, sorry, can I just do one? Yeah, yeah. Shout out to my bank manager. Hope you're well. Guys, I feel like people aren't actually going to know that I'm a man of the people. It's just that you're the only one with an actual career You're the only one who's actually got

Oh god this is a quagmire Of insecurity shall we move on We need to start reading the book let's all mock Rocky Yeah that'll unify us Oh thank goodness What's the next chapter called then The next chapter is called Hard as the Rocks Oh Christ

Oh the rocks actually guys We've been to the rocks together Next chapter is called Hard as the Rocks. Oh, Christ. Hard as the Rocks. Oh, the rocks. Actually, guys, we've been to the rocks together, if it's the rocks that I'm thinking of. What's the rocks? It's an area of Sydney, Australia. The rocks. What happens there?

It's Northern Beaches, is it the rocks? Is it? No, the rocks. I think it's opposite the Opera House, isn't it? You're absolutely right. It's round from where the ferries come in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Round a bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, you two sound like residents. Jesus, calm down. We always find a little local pool don't we when we're in sydney oh we love a little dip little swim where were you i don't know i didn't come with you on your little swimming trips don't say it with a kind of disparaging little hand we froze in icebergs thank you very much is icebergs oh i love that pool it's amazing isn't it oh that's one of get on with the book save this for your swimming podcast actually Jamie no it's not a cast emailers um okay chapter three do you know

what James should do a podcast on god parenting because parenting podcasts do very well your your hints and tips that'd be great how do you keep them on the straight and narrow what have you taught them how many have you got? All the tips. Watch it, Alice. I've got God on my side. Oh, you're very right. I do beg your pardon.

And him upstairs. Okay. Belinda Blink-6, chapter three. Hard as the rocks. Belinda is loving the sexy Sydney life. I love the way he switches between past and present tense. Belinda is loving the sexy Sydney life when a man in a hat asks for directions. Already weird vibes just because of that tense change. It's already, it feels uneasy.

Yeah, I'm already unsettled Also Man in the Hat Has a capital M And capital H Oh so this is a character Man in the Hat Man in the Hat Disculpe señorita

He spoke Disculpe That's Spanish isn't it What does that mean Well so señorita That's probably Decipher Disculpe señorita

It's um Excuse me Miss Thank you Yeah I got that bit Disculpe señorita He spoke Si's, um, excuse me, miss. Thank you. Yeah, I got that a bit. Disculpe, señorita. He spoke. Si, claro. Belinda replied with a smug lick.

Donde estan las rocas? You're going to have to translate for us. Where's the rocks? He said, relieved at this meeting of minds. Yeah, quite. It's really electric. Did we ever know Belinda spoke Spanish? I mean, she barely speaks English. She barely speaks. Yeah. Maybe she is Spanish.

We're very, very good at speaking. Oh my God, maybe she is. So, disculpe, señorita. Sí, claro. ¿Dónde están las rocas? Well, Belinda was stumped. Crestfallen. Does she only know sí, claro?

Sí, claro. Oh no, sorry, that's all I know. Crestfallen, the man in the hat asked, Is you help rock? Oh dear. Is you what? Is you help rock? Help rock?

I think he's just trying to be kind and ask in English. Okay. I don't understand. Belinda screwed up her face to as central a position on her skull as possible and hummed. Oh God, what clicked in you? My neck just clicked. That was my face contracting. I scrunched it so much that bones

broke. The skull really, really crumbled. Belinda screwed up her face to a central position on her skull as possible and hummed. After a couple of minutes... What is this interaction. After a couple of minutes... What is this interaction? After a couple of minutes, she kindly prized the A to Z map

from his white knuckles. A couple of minutes? Of this? Do that noise for ten seconds. That was ten. seconds that was 10 she got 12 times over wonderful breath control really not did you hear three seconds in you're deflating um so she she kindly prized the a to Z map from his white knuckles. I'm not mugging you, senor. I'm helping you. Reading, she laughed.

Oh, you want to go to the rocks. Why didn't you say so? He did. They're just along the harbour as you... There you go, Alice. They're just along the harbour as if you were going to the Shangri-La Hotel. That's where I'm staying, Alice. They are just along the harbour, as if you were going to the Shangri-La Hotel. That's where I'm staying, actually. They have a lovely bar that sees the Opera House and Bridge and everything nice from postcards. All the big hitters.

Some lovely hotels around the harbour in Sydney. Remember when we went? Yeah. Do you know who I saw in the lobby? No. Lizzo. Did you? Yeah.

I saw Lizzo. She played Sydney Opera House the night before we did. How cool is that? I've completely forgotten that. Did she do Two Nights Two? Or... What a hang. Yeah, we crossed... I... Crossed paths, he was about to say. It was not long after Juice had

first come out, so I was, like, obsessed, and we stared at each other, and she was wearing amazing outfit, as you'd expect. You stared at each other? We stared at each other. We locked eyes. Who looked away first? She did. How long was the lock? Oh, seconds, but it was enough. I mean, it stayed with me a lifetime. I'm sure she's the same.

She's at home telling a very similar story. I love her. The man in the hat blinked at her many, many times. Hey, I like your style, Belinda said. Let me escort you there. When the conversation had dried up,

the pair passed the long walk in song. Conversation probably dried up immediately. Can you imagine what the song's going to be? What duet? What darling duet could this possibly be? Aguas de Marso by Ellis and Tom, to be exact. Aguas de Marso by Ellis and Tom, to be exact. Aguas de Marzo by Ellis and Tom. Never heard of it.

Maybe, is it Spanish? Let me play it to you guys. I obviously can't play the music for rights reasons. And maybe you guys can sort of approximate the vibe. Okay, we can give a feel. Let's have a listen then. I wish you could hear that song. I wish you could hear that song, listeners.

I recognise that song. My dad plays that song. What is it? that song listeners i recognize that song my dad had plays that song what is it it's lovely i really like it isn't it it's like a man and a woman always in conversation but in a kind of jovial way oh my god imagine them singing that walking down the fucking promenade. What was it called? So people can like look it up. I think it's Brazilian as well. So it's Portuguese,

not Spanish, but who cares? It's called Aguas de Março. James, can you link to it please? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll post it on the socials. It's very, you're right, it's very conversational song. Yeah, no, it is. It's this awful like back and forth.

They're like, I said, what do you want? It's lovely. Yeah, no, it is. It's this awful back and forth. They're like, I said, what do you want? It's quite complicated to sing with a stranger you've just met. How do they know it? I don't know. Their timing was worth a nightclub act Belinda penciled on her

brain. Honestly, I'm going to go away and listen to that. I don't know what Belinda's singing voice is like. Do we know from previous experience? You two have sung a lot. I don't know about Belinda. I wouldn't be surprised, actually, if she's actually really good at singing. Why is that? I don't know what Belinda's singing voice is like. Do we know from previous experience? You two have sung a lot. I don't know about Belinda. I wouldn't be surprised, actually, if she's actually really good at singing. Why's that? I don't know.

She's got to be good at something. Yeah, true. She's good at shagging, James. When they reached the rocks, the man in the hat pointed at the wall of stones. Suddenly, a big boulder rock rolled to one side, and the man in the hat tells her You have a very important meeting With a very important person within Of course Rocky thinks the rocks is like thunderbirds

Of course he thinks this is all like secret lair So a big boulder has been rolled to one side You have a very important meeting With a very important person, in fact. Could it be Jesus, Belinda wondered? Good guess, because the rolling back of the rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably Jesus, yeah.

Probably Jesus. And I think case closed. Could it be Jesus, she wondered. But Easter Sunday was weeks away. Because then it would just be, you wouldn't even blink, would you? Is that when he moved the rock? Is it Easter Sunday? Well, as Godfathers, I'll defer to you.

On the third day, he rose again. He rose again, and the tomb was open, and there was just a white cloth inside. Everyone was like, oh, bloody hell, he's risen. What was the cloth that was left behind? Just like a white cloth. I think what he was wrapped in. But then he came back in a really fabulous gown.

No, that's Joseph. What? Are you both saying anything sacrilegious that I need to cover off with a disclaimer? Probably a lot, yeah. Please do not get your religious education or sexual education from my dad wrote a porno. You don't think Belinda Blinked is like...

An allegory? No, but like... Not at all. A continuation of the Bible. A sequel to the Bible? Yeah, like there's 2000 years in between. What, that Belinda is the Messiah? She lives in Bible world, which I guess people would argue is our world.

But, like, she lives in the kind of... Sorry, what were you saying? In the Bible storyline. James, lie down. Are you okay? What, so you're saying that, like, all the characters are basically biblical figures? Yes, exactly. And Belinda Blinked is a holy tome.

So, like, Giselle is like Judas Iscariot, the one that betrayed her. Yes! And who could be Herod? Sir James Godwin. is a holy tome so like giselle is like judas iscariot the one that betrayed her yes and um who could be herod uh sir james godwin or oh no bish should be herod because he was evil wasn't he and the last supper was when they had dinner at the duchess's house right so tara gold is what matthew james what did he do you know a lot about this stuff we're both catholics oh sure sure i mean lapsed catholic yeah raised but yeah So does this make Rocky a saint or a prophet or something? What is going on here? I don't know.

I don't know when we took this path. I don't know if I put my name to any of this. This is like... This is all a bit 5G conspiracy theory, James. What's going on? I think people would feel pretty betrayed if this turned out to be some kind of strange, as James says, new edition of the Bible.

He's basically saying it's like Narnia, you know, because that's all about Jesus, isn't it? So is that what you mean? Is that what you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, waving good day to the man in the hat, Belinda crawled through the cave admiring the moist stalactites and stalagmites. Did she wave hello to the man in the hat? Is g'day hello? Yeah.

Is it like hello-ha? Like you can use it for both? Is it like what, sorry? Or ciao? In Hawaii, they say hello-ha for hello and goodbye. He's putting hello-ha. Hello-ha. What do I?

It's aloha. Aloha. Aloha. Why are you doing it as Petra? I don't think they say good day as goodbye If that's your question But I honestly don't know what your question is So she's crawling through the cave

Admiring the moist Stalactites and stalagmites They were giddyingly phallic In appearance And even dripped what looked like Willy lotion Or long lost lube Long lost lube that's an itv

show waiting to happen isn't it willy lotion long lost lube so that's jizz no lube well willy lotion i would imagine is jizz long lost lube long lost lube is lube that was lost a long time ago but where have you lost it in the cave like why have you lost it? In the cave. Like, why have you lost it? I do not know. So they were giddy and phallic in appearance and even dripped what looked like willy lotion or long-lost lube. Would a quick jiggle up and down a mite

break Sydney's public decency laws? Yes. She asked the echo. Painful, surely. Very jaggedy, very knobbly. Fuck, it's stalagmite. If she hadn't been in such a mysterious hurry, she would have tasted the local delicacies, but alas. And by tasted, she means fucked.

On she plodded before coming to a large pool. Oh, wow. Wow, an indoor cave pool. No doubt a sandstone and granite base with inflections of quartz she mused you know rocky's a geologist yes so this is where it's all coming into play there we go finally a cave yes why has he never done a cave before he actually knows about this shit unlike the rest of the build you right no doubt a sandstone and granite base with inflections of quartz she mused tapping away at various protruding slabs of stone.

Quartz? Oh, like sometimes dads or builders do. You know, when you go to check out a flat, if you should rent it, like, yeah, solid that. That's a wall. Confirmed. And also sometimes mums. Absolutely. She was hot in the Sydney sun,

so she stripped to her sightseeing bra and revealing thongs. She's not in the Sydney sun, though, is she? No, she's in a cave. I'd love to know what a sightseeing bra is. It's like a sports bra. It keeps everything in place if you're having a long day. I picture it as sort of, you know the way cargo pants have got lots of pockets? I imagine a sightseeing bra is having lots of compartments. Like a bum bag for the bra.

Yes, precisely. For all the fridge magnets you're going to buy. Your fridge magnets, your camera, your tissues, your sunscreen. You change. You change. Many, many currencies. Jumping in, she pranced and splashed to her heart's content. Her butterfly laps took her along the pretty water.

Take your time, Belinda. How big is it? Can you do butterfly? Not very well. When we go swimming. Save it for the other podcast. Thank you. Not interested.

And butterfly laps took her along the pretty waterway. And suddenly the rock walls became glass. Oh yeah, sure. The water ran out and she climbed onto the carpeted office suite. What? The water ran out of the pool? Well, I guess she's been swimming along it. And you know when you're on a beach and you get to the...

The shallows. To the shallows and you're just kind of in loads of shingle. You beached. Yeah. So she's now in a carpeted glass office suite. Okay. Who are we to argue? He is a geologist.

He has seen these things. Isn't glass made of like sand? Maybe it's just like the evolution of the medium I don't think it naturally forms itself into double glazing But maybe She slumped into a big leather armchair Slipping down Like a freshly caught sockeye salmon Belinda took in her new location

What's a sockeye salmon? Where is this place? I want to go to the back. It sounds quite fun. Do you remember when you were kids, you used to go to those all-adventure play pens? Yeah, like soft play. Jungle Bungle we had.

Jungle Bungle. Yeah, Charlie Chalks. Yes, Charlie Chalks, yes. We had Hood Tide out, didn't we? Did you ever go there? Yeah, yeah, yeah, in town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In town.

In the big city. I mean, filthy't we? Did you ever go there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In town. In the big city. I mean, filthy. Absolutely riddled. Do you think? Well, I suppose kids are filthy, aren't they? Yeah. And ball pools must be. Oh my God, don't.

I dread to think there's probably other children. So some kids are now 12. They were about eight when they got in. And Jungle Bungle wasn't fit for purpose. They're all death traps. They are, ladies. They are death traps. No, but they are.

I'm surprised we came out alive. There were some with like, I remember one had like a sheer, it was like painted like a waterfall. It was a sheer slide, like straight down. And you'd burn your arm. You'd get like massive like burns on your arms oh the 90s awful a nice day out for the god kids though absolutely lovely lovely the boys will love it and your boys and or girls will love it too so she slipped down the leather armchair like a freshly caught sockeye salmon

and belinda took in her new location as As was becoming a regular thing, the Duchess looked down at her from the gallery. Ah, okay. As Belinda gasped for air and understanding, the Duchess slowly descended. What just floated down? So you helped Senor Zip find the rocks then, the Duchess projected. Mr Zip?

The man in the hat, gawped Belinda. By Thor, you know everyone, Belinda blasphemed, impressed. So wait, she just thought he'd shown her there? Yes. By mistake? Although he did say, you've got a very important meeting with her. So she must have known. When's her brain going to catch up?

Senor Zips, our gadget geek. I knew that if you were generous enough to help a lost tourist, the PM could trust you. That's the test. If you'll show a lost tourist the way. You're a trustworthy person. Trustworthy enough to defend the PM.

I'm proud of you, Belinda. You have come trustworthy person. Trustworthy enough to defend the PM. I'm proud of you, Belinda. You have come so far. I know, Belinda said. Australia's as far as you can get from London, UK. Good one, Rocky. The Duchess smiled through that stupidity. She's a woman of great patience. Moving on.

Senor Zip has left a hamper of gifts for you in your quarters so zip is um what in bong character terms um i tell you he's like q q that's it gadget guy desmond llewellyn legend senor zip has left a hamper of gifts for you in your quarters. Quarters? Belinda asked subtly. Ooh ha ha, the Duchess twigged. Ooh ha ha. I've got a gorilla in here. Ooh ha ha, the Duchess twigged. Give him a banana. Let's get you out of those wet things, shall we, servant? Oh yes, my lady. Belinda dribbled, intoxicated by nostalgia. Yes, because it's been a while.

Mmm. The Duchess led her charge to a tiled bunker. I thought it would be more of a plush bedroom, not a tiled bunker. With Moroccan influences and tented ceiling. Cushions and rugs had been thrown

from previous passions and as the Duchess began to collect them with tuts and huffs Tidying up. Belinda threw her down. On tiles? That's going to hurt.

But the Duchess missed the beanbag and bruised her hip quite badly. See? Ow. But who cared? It probably only had a decade's use left anyway and it was a small price to pay for an evening in? Ow. But who cared? It probably only had

a decade's use left anyway and it was a small price to pay for an evening in Belinda. In Belinda? A fundamental misunderstanding of how a hip works, I think.

Only ten years left in it, might as well break it. The two ladies stripped to how nature had left them and reclined like models waiting to be painted

by Botticelli. So they're both waiting. Just like looking at each other, lying down. Who's going to make the first move? Are we alone? Belinda mouthed, full of sex. No, no, there are cameras everywhere, Belinda. Honestly, sometimes.

What are you like? I'm sorry, my lady. Punish me. Or at least my ass cheeks. The overall head of British intelligence surveyed her ass sets. Oh, very good. Is she going to play it like bongo drums?

Is she just going to, like, pat it? Oh, I hope so. Why? I don't know, that's weird. Why did I say that? I don't hope that at all. In fact, I never hope that anything less. Oh, we found Jamie's kink.

It would be fitting with that music we heard earlier, actually. Yeah. The left was perky, the right peachy. She bit into each one like the forbidden apples from Eden and Snow White. Oh, my God. Obsessed with the Bible. Obsessed with it. Oh, yeah.

That's a Bible reference. Very biblical. Flipping her lady onto her head, Belinda cooed. Flipping her lady onto her head, Belinda cooed. Belinda licked and slurped and spat and gorged as deep as her tongue could stretch. Oh my God. Once she got restless, Belinda allowed the Duchess's blood levels to regulate. Oh, because she'd been upside down this whole time. With a broken hip.

That's not healthy. With a broken hip. A broken hip. To do so, she turned her upright. Yes. Yes. Em's clit was now protruding and pulsating from her lady layers, and it would be darn right rude not to fillate it right back.

And Belinda was anything but rude. From the first day their pussies met, they knew they had a bond. Two hours later, the Duchess was weeping sweat from all key areas. Two hours later? They've been at it for two hours? But she managed to stay professional. Husk isn't nice, is it? That's dry. husk isn't nice is it that's dry before you leave me as a throbbing husk once more you must know the facts belinda oh belinda removed her pinky from the duchess's hole out of respect are you joking just a pinky like imagine a pinky for like a posh person drinking a cup of tea in a film

and nothing else is going on. That's just in there. So she's just sweating and like, oh, I'm a husk. I'm a throbbing husk. And Belinda's got a little pinky in there. Where? Which hole? I think she says.

Removed her pinky out of the Duchess's hole. Oh, we don't know. We don't know. Is it an ear-piercing hole? Is it? What is it? I cannot hear the plan with a pinky in the duchess's ass well quite so belinda removed her pinky from the duchess's hole out of respect thank you the tri he doesn't say

thank you thank you so much thank you the trioxybrillo blueprints were stolen from the clink by a background goon no they weren't they were never there there. Oh, here we go. Oh, sorry, James. He's just like... Have you got the stamina for this? Well, I'm just like, attention to detail, Rocky. I don't think they were in the... But we don't know that they weren't. Well, we do.

Do we? Yes. Why? Well, A, they were never mentioned, and B, I'm sure they're in a safe in Scotland. James, they're being mentioned now. Yeah, what more do you want, James? Maybe you should have asked some questions at the time,

and then this wouldn't be such a shock to you. I figured that if things aren't mentioned you can plausibly say that they um don't look at me like that I can't defend you if you're going to be silly but if dad definitively says they aren't somewhere then we know they are but if he just doesn't mention that they are or not they could have been there so is that now a rule for everything? Mickey Mouse is there. We've never mentioned him, but he's been following Belinda this whole time. What are you on about? Bella's covered in shit.

We've never mentioned him, but it's there. I haven't said she isn't. I didn't say Belinda wasn't a dolphin. The Duchess has 27 lip piercings Okay, point taken, fine Steel spots and pans is on the moon You should have asked What did I never say? Oh God, it slipped my mind

while it was there all along Okay, fine Point taken That is not a rule of anything I was going to slip my mind while it was there all along okay fine that is not a rule of anything it's an extremely convenient rule to get him out of trouble at a moment's notice Mickey Mouse why was that the first thing I thought of

I've clearly got Mickey Mouse on the brain so the trioxybrillo blueprints were stolen from the clink by a background goon. I thought all the goons were dead. Didn't we do a whole service for the goons? For James. He never said they were dead.

So the blueprints were stolen by a background goon. Oh, no. So viciously had to get his paws in them, thank all above us. Oh, good. Belinda backtracked. Now... Wait till you've got the whole story before you react, maybe. Now this particular goon has always been on the quiet side of life.

Well, he's a background goon. You're in the background. Supporting goon, please. what do you guys always call the chorus or the swing swing swing he is swing he screams swing now this particular goon has always been on the quiet side of life belinda he's called mr hushman oh for god's sake mr hushman the background goon mr hushman the background goon he Mr. Hushman the background goon. He'd be great at a kids, you know, show and tell day. Hello, I'm Mr. Hushman, I'm a background goon.

Any questions you've got, kids? He sounds like a kid's song. Mr. Hushman the background goon. He's got the prints which are blue. He's got the prints which are blue. He's called Mr. Hushman. And he is selling the blueprints on the black market. He's got the prints which are blue. He's called Mr. Hushman. And he is selling the blueprints on the black market.

Mr. Hushman! Yes, this is truly a colourful mess, Belinda. Blueprints, black markets, and your red hot ass. Very good. The Duchess started shaking Belinda from her shoulders down to her toes. If Bish gets the blueprints, then Steel's pots and pans is finished. That was a ramp-up. It really was.

Hang on, so she's like, If Bish gets the blueprints, then Steel's pots and pans is finished. We know that's been the thing the whole time. Zap, dead, and with it your job, status, and bonus. Princeton Steel's Possum Pants is finished. We know that's been the thing the whole time. Zap. Dead. And with it, your job, status, and bonus. Hate to break it to you, baby. The job's already gone, honey.

Yes. Your career will have had its chips, Belinda. Belinda, do you get it? Please tell me you get it, Belinda. Belinda, do you get it? Please tell me you get it, Belinda. Belinda. Give me a second. The stakes cannot be higher, can they? Oh, Mr. Hushman.

No bonus. No bonus. No job. Sorry. I know we've talked about this before, but I don't think we have for a while. How long has all this been going on? That's a can of worms we don't want to open it's like a matter of weeks it's still i think it's still like six or seven weeks since she took the job oh my god i think it is when you think about it like that she could still be in the probation

period yes well she ain't passing that she is i think we're about coming up for two months yeah it's a couple of months, yeah. Since she got the job. Yeah. Do you remember that job interview? I was a much younger woman. Belinda was the same age. There hasn't been a birthday, has there?

Not until we go on tour. There will be. Tickets, over and out. Maybe 20. 22. So, your career will have had its chips, Belinda. Belinda, do you get it? Please tell me you get chips, Belinda. Belinda, do you get it? Please tell me you get it, Belinda.

Belinda! Oh, Belinda got it. Who's going to get it? Belinda's going to get it. Her mission was to get the blueprints back at whatever cost. Her bonus depended on it. The next morning, Bella Ridleyed in Sydney To pick up Belinda Oh so they do know

She's alive Not sure she needed To come all the way Like Belinda's a big girl She can get herself On a plane You don't pick someone up Do you

Only if you're like 12 And you have to fly on your own They give you one of those Chaperones don't they Yeah but she's like 29 So Bella's picked up Belinda I'm here to pick you up She said

As she finished Paying her duty-free bill. Yeah, real reason she's there. Yeah. Stuck up on gin. But because we thought you were dead, I'm now your boss. Belinda. Deliver it a bit more gently, Bella.

Jesus. Belinda was reeling from the arrival snogs to the cab ride to the hotel to check in. What? This is so cool. To the airport, out of the airport, back to the airport. On the bag carousel and to check-in. It was not nothing to say that Belinda Blumenthal valued her position in life and work a bit overhealthily and she demolished the minibar coming to terms with

her demotion her job is her life yeah that would be devastating and also bella's your boss i would have to resign on the spot can you imagine can you imagine if i was off sick for a few days and i came back and james had been made the head presenter on this head presenter imagine what your job title is head presenter and? Well then you're like sidekick and then Jamie's the narrator. I would be so livid. I'd be like, I've earned my place, is that? And then what? You're going to promote James

who's basically a tea boy. Can you imagine though? Sipsy. But can you imagine? If I was head presenter? If you were promoted while I was off sick? I'd love it. I would lord it over you like so now you're saying something. I would lord it over you like there's no tomorrow.

Why is he not even... When did we give each other job titles? I don't recall we did. Have I back Rangoon? You're back Rangoon 1. Oh, God. I worry about Bella's speedy ascent. I worry she's going to end up like the Prime Minister.

Oh, you think it's going to continue? I think it might be too much too soon. Oh, it's definitely too much too soon. She might crash and burn. Her having a job is too much too soon. I wouldn't be surprised if things just keep... President of the United States. President Bella.

Doesn't say she isn't. doesn't say she isn't so she was demolishing the minibar coming to terms with this I mean it's it's taking its toll yeah wait a sec

who's flying the plane oh my god Hazel Hazel flies every fucking plane I think they're actually in a hotel so Bella's they went to check-in though they went back's... They went to check-in, though. They went back to check-in.

Hotel check-in. Oh, for God's sake. Oh, Christ. So, wait, she's gone to pick her up and it's taken longer with her being there than it would have anyway. Also, how many planes have you been on with a minibar? Oh, God, yeah.

But the underground cave with the fucking leather sofa in it is... You're right, you're right, you're right. I just presumed just use Rocky's real name that hasn't ever happened before I'm so sorry

that just slipped out Alice you are no longer head presenter of I was going to say things have really changed I don't know how that popped out what I meant

the police i didn't think of you that quick oh he's on it oh my god wow he really does have contacts everywhere um six years i don't think you've ever said rocky's real name by accident that's unbelievable that none of us have yeah particularly on stage when we're very very drunk okay my my point was my heart's racing so boring it really doesn't matter after all that my point was going to be that rocky rocky rocky rocky probably calls a minibar that on a plane that was wasn't worth it. The trolley.

Six years down the drain for that shit joke. He probably calls the trolley a minibus. Well, that's good. Can we get a new Alice? Do you know what? I really did think I'd get replaced before six years. So this has been a good ending. But she was a social animal at heart.

This is Belinda. So became the bigger person when she suggested to boss Bella that they get drunk on the harbour that morning. Bella was thrilled. Sorry, can you read that again? I just totally zoned out. I was so bored and so shocked by what just happened. But she was a social animal at heart.

Who? Belinda. And so became the bigger person when she suggested to boss Bella that they get drunk on the harbour that morning. The morning? Okay. Bella was thrilled as she'd stayed up all flight scared of the wrath of Belinda. Well, you would be, because it's a real betrayal.

It was non-existent. Non-existent? I'd say there's a lot of totty in Australia. Very attractive people. Very attractive people, because they're such beach people. And so you always have to look beach ready. They're built for the outdoors. They're built for the outdoors. They're an outdoorsy people. They're built for the outdoors. They're built for the outdoors. They're an outdoorsy people.

They're solar powered people. They look great in the sun. It's why I don't do ever so well there. I'm a shade based person as are you, Jimmy. An attractive barmaid came up to them and asked if they would like anything. Would you like anything? She asked. Why shards of course

Belinda beamed Bottle each And a straw Bottle each Bella added Okay Stuttered the barmaid before leaving to obey Bella's command Well done that was a mouthful

Belinda twisted her hair nervously Sorry to bring this up again. If you're me, Des is Tony and Tony is Sir James. Who am I? Yeah, that's a good point. No one knows, Belinda, because you're missing and presumed dead, remember. You don't exist on the employee database. But technically, you're on temporary staff.

Sally of 10,000 per annum. Bus fare not included. So she doesn't get the travel... No more travel perks. No. So 80 grand down to 10 grand. And no travel perks. Well, that's the big bit.

Not even the bus fare. Through gritted teeth, Belinda indulged in 19 crimes. The wine. Yes, I don't think she was like bottling people. Yes. Yeah. But lovely wine. Tried it?

I've never had that. Dad's favourite. I'm sure he mentioned it in a Q&A once. Did he? He loves a bit of 19 crimes. Well, he likes anything wet that's alcohol, doesn't he? Much like his writing, 19 crimes. But suddenly she thought she saw something odd across the bar.

But could it possibly be? Could the girl that put the G in Glee team escaped the monstrous goons? Belinda. Bling bling. Yeah, she blinged. She bloody blinged. And that's the end of the chapter.

What are the bloody chances? In the morning in a bar in Sydney, they've spotted Giselle. Well, I assume it's Giselle. What are the chances, James? Almost one in a bajillion. Well, we joked at the end there, but that would be crushing. This whole identity is wrapped up in her job. The idea that she's lost the title, lost the money,

lost the lifestyle, guys. This is becoming a psychological thriller. I mean, how is she going to cope with this? Have you seen any psychological thrillers? Read any psychological thrillers? Your support for Bella, you two, has gone out the window, hasn't it? No, I like her as a fun-time girl.

I don't like her as the boss of a Fortune 500 company. No, I like her as a friend, but I couldn't possibly work that way. I mean, he packed it into that chapter, didn't he? A lot happened. Yeah, so Belinda now has to find Mr. Hushman, the background goon, because he's selling the blueprints on the black market,

but she's lost her job, so how's she going to find him? And what about Senor Zip? I feel like he might make a reappearance. I hope so. I'd like to know what's in the basket of... Let him go. Let him go.

I don't think he's coming back. You're absolutely right. He's got Betty Wilkes written all over him. He is not coming back. We will never see him again. You're absolutely right. Why do I never prepare myself? Oh, Senor Zip.

So yeah, that's chapter three. Dare I ask for the next chapter title? Oh, you can, James. Yeah, of course. A little teaser. A little soupçon for next week. Chapter four is called Saucy Pans and Cheeky Woks.

Saucy Pans and Cheeky Woks. Return of the Wok. Oh, yeah. Not heard about the Wok in a while. Here it is, Return of the Wok. So come back next week for some Saucy Pans and Cheeky Woks.

In the meantime, don't forget that we are going on tour in 2022. Tickets available now. Yeah, we are going on tour in 2022 tickets available now yeah we're gonna be celebrating berlin this 30th birthday covered to me yes still some tickets available on my dad wrote a porno.com also on there i'll have a peru i mean james spent so long on that website have a lovely look on their merch merch you know he's got some lovely bags a lot of t-shirts aprons i think we've got steel spots and pants aprons what else is on the website

james oh um that's a great question contact page great if you've not seen that before for God's sake go look at it but yeah for the blinker in your life or for yourself self

care self love treat yourself and while we're here you know singing for ourselves we're begging for it why don't you just give us a five star review on iTunes

I mean you do it for all your other podcasts that you love that's true all your other favourites get them don't they and you can follow

and subscribe to us on your podcast platform to make don't they yeah and you can follow and subscribe to us on your podcast platform to make sure you never miss a bloody episode follow and subscribe or follow unsubscribe

is that all of the telling off and admin that we used to I think so yeah do we sound needy enough cool

well then I guess all that's left to say is good day everybody good day aloha it's not aloha aloha no

for god's sake