My Dad Wrote A Porno - S6E4 - 'Saucy Pans and Cheeky Woks'

Episode Date: June 13, 2021

The glee team are finally reunited before getting back to business at the Pots and Pan-Pacific Cooking Conference. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content, and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. hello you're listening to my dad wrote a porno i'm jamie your narrator i've got alice the head presenter of another and uh james dog's body extra good background that's it uh how are you guys we've only just recovered from that i mean mean, don't dredge that up again. I have to stress, it was a joke, James. You are, I mean, I always think the backroom staff very important on any production. Oh, hugely so.

Don't patronise me. Look at the talent. Also, why am I just... She swans in. Why am I Bill Oddie reading a story? Can we just watch that? Bill Oddie reading a story? For the international listeners,

Bill Oddie, a famous ornithologist, but I don't remember him being a storyteller. He did a show back in the 90s called Time for a Story. Didn't watch that. Did you never have him reading? You'll be amazed, Jamie. We've never heard of this. I think it was him.

Bill Oddie. Bird lover. Bill Oddie. Bill Oddie. Put your hands all over my body. Do you ever see that? Yes. Wow, I really didn't think we'd dive in with the Bill Oddie content so early today.

What kind of stories did he tell? Made up ones? Yeah, they were just very relaxing kids stuff, obviously. But yeah, he was a good narrator. So this is entirely the opposite. Not at all relaxing. Not at all. And a terrible narrator.

Yeah, okay. So where did we get to? Just trying to remember. in australia still in australia and belinda had met with the duchess in the rocks yeah and told her about mr hushman the background goon who is selling the blueprints on the black market right correct and bella came to australia to pick up belinda to take her back to England. Yes, and they spied someone across the bar. Yes, who they thought was potentially Giselle. Giselle.

Miles Chalkerford Klotz. A Glee team reunion's on the cards. Considering how little time the Glee team have actually spent together, they're iconic. So many people consider themselves a Glee team that listen to this. It's a bit like Anthony Hopkins in Signs of the Lambs. Go on. Didn't expect that.

Is that embarrassing? Is it? In that his screen time is minutes, apparently. Oh, really? I think he's in it for like 10 minutes or maybe like 15 minutes. But his presence is felt throughout the whole movie, so you think he's like the lead of the film. And you're saying that's Giselle?

I'm saying that's the Glee team as a construct. Right, okay. Because you're right, Al, they haven't really been around together. It's breathtaking sometimes what he comes out with. Did he win an Oscar for that? He did for Best Leading Actor. Wow. Which, you know, there was some controversy

because obviously his screen time was... Minimal. Minimal, yeah, but his presence was felt. So Giselle might be there, she might not be, is basically what we're at. Or, I mean, equally as exciting if it's a woman that has sort of similar hair. I mean, what a boo.

Exactly. Like an oddly shorn head. Okay. Are we ready? We are ready. We are ready. Put bloody all love at my body. Okay.

Belinda Blink 6, chapter 4. Saucy pans and cheeky woks. walks. Belinda blinked again. I assume we left on Belinda Blink. Just to be sure. Then she shook her head. The young woman with the tight ass sitting a few tables away was no doubt about it, the special one. They're back together, baby! They've got so much to catch up on. A gawk with disorientation, Giselle slowly switched tables and sat down. She held her hands up, dried away her tears, and took a large gulk of Belinda's icy chardonnay. A gulk?

Gulk. Gulk. Gulk. Glug. Gulk. Glug. Well, what does it say? It does say glug. Also, gulks, not a word.

Yeah, sorry, I didn't know where that came from. A gulk. How much is Jamie's reading that we've slammed Rocky for? He's just covered over like, oh, what's he like? Oh, perfect. They're beautifully written. It's all me. Sorry, a large glug of Belinda's icy chardonnay so is she holding her hands up as if to say like you got me

what am i like i did do it all um bella tottered over to the bar to avoid any career-wrecking association with the fugitive on the run oh god so they're not really hanging out she's like i can't stay near you well wait how does bella know that bella was there do they know that she's a good and now yeah because she freed them from the clink so i mean she still killed someone well she didn't i know she didn't i know she didn't i know he committed suicide but she was still there so that's where you fall on that she was still there but what if you happen to see someone awfully fall to their death you would be blamed would you you were there. Even if it's not her fault, she's surely a different person. I mean, she's been changed by the happenings.

Well, I think everyone's been changed, us included. I'd look at you differently if you were involved in someone's untimely death. But is... Thank you. It doesn't take much for us, though, to be like, we always knew he was a wrong-in. But I think she's probably just a useful idiot. I still think you look at someone in a different light once you've been betrayed by them particularly because they were they were sisters i mean the glee team they were you couldn't get closer i mean they'd worked together for what two weeks yeah and the bond was unbreakable

and the thing is how do you get back to where they were how do you get back to that kind of you know colleague maybe have a drink at the pantry after work? That incredible, it's like it's in their blood, is it? Well, maybe they won't. I mean, if Bella's literally not wanting to speak to him because she's a fugitive on the run, then... But who is she worried about knowing that or seeing that? I don't know.

Guy that owns a bar. Because I don't know that the feds are necessarily after Giselle, are they? I don't think anyone is. I don't think anyone cares anymore. I necessarily after Giselle are they I don't think anyone is I don't think anyone cares anymore I think it's all over isn't it also I love for the first time Bella's following protocol and like being vaguely professional well she is the big boss now I suppose oh shit yeah and actually I have a friend at work who when he became the big boss he did a very subtle but very definite distancing right yeah it's a difficult tight rope to walk isn't it Bella's got to manage that you've been a boss James I have been a boss and

that's why because you didn't have many friends at work and I presume that's because you made a very definite decision you're like I'm a boss I'm not a mate he was my boss actually and he definitely made that call there he was a good boss he was nice was he did he talk to you differently at work then yeah we did have a very different... Different attitude. I stayed away from any murderers at all times. It was just very annoying because obviously he's my friend. And sometimes I would really disagree with his perspective on a certain issue at work.

Hang on, is this supervision? What's going on? Is this HR? No, no. And I would have to bite my tongue to be like james i will try and kind of convince him of my viewpoint but if he is not going to budge you know as the subordinate i had to just do what he said but i think yeah because in a subdom relationship you have to do a lot of communication and say subdom ohdom James what sex positive please yeah but I'm not in a sub-dom

relationship with Jamie it doesn't matter but like why you what's wrong with me why wouldn't you want to be in a

sub-dom what you want to be in a sub-dom relationship with me obviously you're not my type clearly but like I'm just saying

why are you so disgusted with the prospect it's the same reason I'm being disgusted being the one with Alice I'd be dom you'd be sub oh my god I'd be so sub I think I mean we're probably It's the same reason I'd be more disgusted with Alice. I'd be dumb. You'd be subbed.

Oh my God, I'd be so subbed. I think, I mean, we're probably... She's the top, I'm the bottom. We're probably being very reductive about what is a complex dynamic. But at the same time, I'd feel quite bruised by that, Jamie, that you wouldn't even consider it. I think so. For God's sake.

Get back to work. So Bella's just sat on her own by the bar. As Giselle wept freely, she told her tortured story to Belinda. I'm so sorry, Belinda. But George had it planned for months, perhaps even years. Watch out for the exposition. This might be useful, though. I was going to say, here, what you don't wish for.

We just done best of book five. Once he'd escaped from his incarceration in deepest Africa, he was determined to get even with his family. Yes, family. So he'd been incarcerated for years potentially and he blamed Tony for that. His family.

You would be quite cross wouldn't you I thought he was a war hero I think he was in a war I don't know if he was a hero oh okay yeah sorry that's a value judgement so wait

but he was incarcerated I've missed a bit how was his family to blame well maybe let yourself finish oh god sorry alright doll he was determined

to get even with his family yes family for abandoning him and not paying the ransom money. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. Okay. Different reactions to that. Well, don't negotiate with terrorists. That's the kind of classic rule, isn't it?

It is the rule, but if you were the one that was being held in deepest Africa, you would probably want your family to negotiate and get you out. Just pay the money, yeah. What started as pen pals became so much more. What, pen pals? So they're letting the guy that they're holding ransom be pen pals with somebody. Pen pals. Have you ever had a pen pal?

Yeah, I did actually. Did you? On a few occasions. It's so weird. Oh God. Wrote to... Imaginary friend. Yeah, I did actually. Did you? On a few occasions. It's so weird. Oh God. Wrote to... Imaginary friend. Well, I was really sad to...

No. I was really sad... She's going red. This is going to be a corker. Finally, Alice's childhood is... Oh my God. Yeah, finally. Jeez.

I was particularly sad. Okay, you were sad. We get it. To leave one teacher's class at primary school and so i wrote back and forth or you just send them letters and they wouldn't reply no she would reply replied oh my god i honestly don't know what's happening but she wrote them on it she replied quite long letters as well say what oh were you just in the next class i think you'd like to see each other at lunch. Still in the building.

Wait for the letter. I caught your reflection through the window today. I miss you ever so, darling. They were love letters. Great assembly the other day. I loved it. Oh, see. Where did you get that skirt?

I'd love one myself. Love how high-waisted it is. Yeah, she was a much, obviously, much, much older woman. How old? She was very old. Oh, so she wasn't like one of those young teachers that you felt a kind of kinship with? It was a very strange time in my life.

But yeah, we went back and forth a bit. And then I think it naturally petered out. Yeah, it was a fizzle. When she just stopped responding. What would you write to her? What would you be saying just what was going on with us

you know just going on in our lives and it ended what when you graduated university or actually I'm due to write back and now I say it out loud

if my kid was writing letters to their teacher I actually think like because now yeah it would be considered weird but I think it's quite sweet it is quite sweet I suppose

but like I also oh god how many has she got I weird. But I think it's quite sweet. It is quite sweet, I suppose. But like, I also... Oh God, how many has she got? I had quite a few, actually. It's the Alice Penpal episode, everybody. Quite a few. I won't go into them all because I don't want to betray any confidences. But they were all... Elderly.

Much older. Much older. And you had the cheek to mock my club theatre friends. Okay, but... You literally were writing to old people and I at least knew these people. I can just imagine her like letter

bombing old people's homes and things. Just hoping someone would reply. You don't get to like send those parcels of tins on Harvest Festival. Alice just slipped in loads of notes for all the residents. Guys, I've been written into many wills. I had a pen pal as well. Someone my age okay my year five teacher was a bit weird like we'd go around to his house to use the computer and stuff

like that it was all about what yeah he was lovely nothing dodgy but it was a bit like stuff you wouldn't do now he but he was a maverick he's like um i was a ball boy at a test match between england and india because of him he was a big cricket fan so i was a ball boy wow and what else did he do he used to have music lessons with this i know all the back catalogue of stinging the police because of him he'd like play us a sting song sorry he plays like i'm learning so much about you both uh it's hard to compute he plays like message in a bottle and have us like analyze it he's like what do you think this is about and i'm like message in a bottle i guess it's in the title do we need to listen james has been very literal yeah um anyway so one thing one of the things he did was he partnered with a school in west yorkshire hebden bridge actually oh yeah i know

it and we'd all have a pen pal in that class very sweet i forget the name of mine but we we then went to such a bond we then went to hebden bridge for a week. For a week? To live with our pen pals. Oh my God. At what? In year five? Yeah. But the funniest thing is, so we were,

it was almost like a cultural exchange with Yorkshire. I mean, we're in the East Midlands. I was going to say, it's not my farm. What are we teaching them? So we had to prepare performances to like show each other when we got there.

Yeah. But we, he had us learn West Side Story. Oh wow. Not really your culture, to be fair. If anything, cultural appropriation. Completely cultural appropriation. So yeah, I was the lead dancer.

Obviously. I had to learn the dance off the videotape for America. Do you know that one? It's quite upbeat and jazzy. And another track called She Offers a Krupke. Yeah. This is so special. We would learn the dances

Off the video And then we performed them In front of the class in West Yorkshire So were you Tony? I was the lead in both I was the lead dancer Because America is Well I think they're the two different sides

Both those songs I was the Puerto Rican side Well you were for America But you were also very much The American side For Gia Fasacrupke It's very balletic And very You know these side well you were for america but you were also very much the american side for g of officer crockley it's very balletic and very you know these the people in the film are amazing jerome robbins he was no slouch so the nottingham people were doing west side story yes and what were the

yeah what did the yorkshire people do oh i forget i forget i think they probably just read a poem boring uh well that was a lovely tangent guys um many many stories learned a lot but back to the I think they probably just read a poem. Boring. He did like the long dance routine. Well, that was a lovely tangent, guys. Many, many stories. Learned a lot. But back to the actual book. So what started as pen pals became so much more. Marrying Tony made me family, of course,

which George finds ever so funny. But he always did belong to the shadows, Belinda. And now he's disappeared with all of Bish's money. I'm fucked too. Belinda gasped. She was going to take George Sylvester down if it was the last thing she'd ever do. She'd eventually use Giselle as bait, she mused idly, thereby paving Giselle's path to the real life. But for now, they needed Giselle to disappear.

The problem was how. Belinda! Giselle sobbed. You've just thought of something, haven't you? That's because Belinda's eyes have rolled back in her head, as they always do when she has one of her thoughts. Not really, Belinda said. No. No, no, it's nothing.

Don't worry about it. Giselle sat back and turned as white as a husky dog prancing in the snow. That's white. That's really white. That is very white. So white. Belinda, save me. Giselle pleaded.

Belinda blinked. It's not the fun glee team time I was expecting. I really had thought it would be like, Celebrate yourself, come on! I thought they'd see each other across the bar and Belinda would be like, Celebrate yourself, come on! I thought they'd see each other across the bar and Bella would be like, Oh my goodness, Aunt Giselle! I thought they'd have the chardonnay. Yeah, all of that.

This is actually quite sombre, isn't it? Belinda blinked. Don't worry, Giselle. Belinda continued blandly. You matter to me. Belinda will think of something. Third person, what? She'll of something. Oh, third person. Walt.

She'll make a plan. I love dialogue. I really love Rocky's dialogue. And there's ellipses between each of those little bits. I did wonder what those pauses were. Yeah, so read into that what you will. As Belinda nipped and nuzzled Giselle's boob, they smiled at each other.

Aw. Their friendship was fused to a hole once more. Well, we knew. We knew. You just pick up where you left off, don't you? You know, when you've got a really great friend, they go off, they're involved in a kind of terrorist heist, and they come back.

You just pick up where you were. However, there was only one problem with this reunion so sexy. Just the one. The attentive barmaid all this time had been listening intently. Oh. Back in the kitchens. She's bloody intent, that barmaid. Agent XYZ threw away her little taking orders pad.

Along with her pencil. Don't, don't, taking orders pad. Along with her pencil and her pencil. Don't, don't, don't get all this bad. Along with her pencil and her apron. Is she wearing her bodysuit with the insects on it? Well, she's just taken off her apron, so maybe. Maybe that was what was hiding that lovely ensemble. She now had all the info she needed. The next morning, Belinda unpacked her gift hamper from Senor Zip.

Why is he selling saying hamper? No, that's what he had. Remember, he left them in the quarters. It was from... What? It was from Senor Zip. Because remember, the Duchess said, Senor Zip has left you a hamper in your quarters.

Oh, right, okay. And they fucked. It's got crackers in it, small bottles of champagne. Well, James, amongst the chutneys... Yeah, always. ...jams... Jams....and fresh mussels for a killer paella not fresh anymore they've been there overnight it's not usually a hamper ingredient just because

anything perishable like say shellfish like because that hampers have usually been posted haven't they so you usually avoid awful shellfish awful oh you shouldn't have this awful hamper thank you so much amongst the chutneys jams and fresh mussels for a killer paella stop it we know your family spent time in spain we get it amongst the chutneys jams amongst the can we say paella with you ready get ready get ready so amongst the chutneys jams and fresh mussels for a killer paella... Paella. Fuck off. ...were one or two gadgets. One was a cool radio for the shower.

It's waterproof. Belinda tested it out to start the day. And while she was washing her soapy tits, she was enjoying the music. How clever that no electric shocks could happen despite this piece of electrical equipment being near water. I know that this is really stupid, but I'm with her. A shower radio. I just love a shower radio. Blows my mind to this day.

Honestly. It's on cards, isn't it? And they called it puppy love. Interception, interception.ception oh it's a communication device then senor zip's voice rang out as clear as and they call it interception interception it's just a remix i think that's a victoria becker song with dame bowers loved it i think dark child produced that um so senor zip's voice rang out as clear as donnie's as clear as what don casper oh puppy love oh sorry the osmonds so words on mr huffman i'm sorry sorry can you say that again Sorry the interference Is so bad Word on

Word on Mr. Huffman Wouldn't have got that Oh my god Word on Mr. Huffman Why are you speaking like that Because it's Senor Zip Right He can speak though can't he

Yeah I think he's alright He's got a Spanish accent Oh is he allergic to the muscle What's happened He's currently making a paella That's the thing It's the noise So word on Mr. Hushman

Word on Mr. Hushman Word on Mr. Hushman If I was Belinda Would the shower radio be like What You've spent time in Spain This is honestly abysmal He has relocated back to Berlin, Germany

Got that Thought you should know Thought you should know you don't need to say that thought you should know lots of love belinda blinked stop there's too many in this one well she's in the shower maybe she's getting to more fine um so yeah so word on mr hushman he's relocated back to ber, Germany. Thought you should know. Don't need that bit, but yeah, fine. Interception, interception. Downstairs, Bella and Belinda

were discussing business over breakfast. Belinda described such a phenomenon as a brisbeck, sorry, as a bisbeck, sorry, as a bisbreck. Don't you apologise. Sorry, Jamie's malfunctioningk. Don't you apologise. Jamie's malfunctioning. Interception.

Biz brek, brek, biz. Belinda described such a phenomenon as a biz brek. Please never, ever say that. A biz brek. Actually, when we need to meet somebody in the future, you know, and we have breakfast with them. Yes. Should we call it a biz brek?

Oh, a biz brek. Oh my God, I was just sat here like, what the hell is a biz brek? Yeah. I love that. Biz brek. Biz should we call it a biz break oh a biz break oh my god i was just sat here like what the hell is a biz break yeah i love that biz break biz break having a biz break it's a phenomenon guys is it well apparently um she describes such a phenomenon as a biz break biz break could be the new brunch yes because brunch didn't always exist that was a creation yeah it's a working breakfast it'sbrek, for God's sake. Which mainly meant, so it was a bisbrek, which mainly meant champagne was eligible for expenses. So smart. Champagne for brekkie.

Already half cut. It's a booze bisbrek. It's a booze bisbrek. It's a boozy bisbrek. It's a boozy bisbrek with Belinda Rubella. Yes. It's Belinda Rubella's boozy bisbrek. I can't even say it.

You need a run-up for sure. So, already half cut, the team ladies discussed their strategy for the day. So this is a different dynamic now because, of course, Bella's the boss. Belinda's the underling, if you will, or esteemed colleague, depending on how you look at it. Underling, is that what you call anyone below you? Yeah, 100%. Indeed, despite Belinda recovering from a kidnapping, avenging a murder and enacting a spy mission,

daily business must go on. Yeah, you've got to keep the business going. You've got to keep it going. You've got to keep that money coming in. You've got to prog that biz. You've got to progress that business. And today was day one of the Pots and Pan Pacific cooking conference. There's another conference?

Pot and Pan Pacific is quite clever, isn't it? Yeah, that is is clever so it's day one of the pots and pan pacific cooking conference it was major that the steels cohort sell good stock especially given that the oxybrillo products were finally on tv air with cosmo macaroon show oh they've done that in the previous book they they'd sold them to cosmo so now it's starting to have an effect that's great so it's not a conference it's a trade show if they're selling i guess if this conference is anything like the last one they're going to be a massive do you remember she gave walks to every single person in the audience it almost bankrupted the company yes i worry what they're going to do here especially with bella in charge each one they go on do you think the high ups are like oh my god we can't we can't survive another one of these it's just unbelievable

they want to go on another fucking conference guys stop them um so they were finally on air with cosmo macaroon show bella looked at belinda as she chewed through her over buffeted plate oh it's just sloppy mouth i was gonna say gummy. Oh, something's going on in there. My teeth. Belinda, do you know that the toilet's flushed the other way round here? Oh, God. As in the water goes down the pan in the opposite direction in the southern hemisphere. Oh, really?

Oh, God, in fact, Bella's taught you something. Bloody hell. I mean, it's not something I think about very often anyway, to be honest. Belinda blinked, much like Alice. Yeah, I'm absolutely shocked to my core, as you can hear. Belinda is blinking like a normal human in this chapter. Maybe it's a sign. Bella prodded.

While we're down under, it could be fun to be opposite town. To be what? Opposite town. Opposite town. Opposite town, like opposite day. Opposite day, okay. Oh, no, Bella boss. Clock be opposite town, like opposite day. Opposite day, okay. Oh no, Bella Boss. Clocked Belinda, smart as paint.

You... Smart as paint! Never a more true description spoken. Oh no, Bella Boss. You are me, and I am you. Which means you do all the work while I eat, drink and shag myself around this exhibition. As Belinda slurped gut yoghurt,

Bella... Don't call it gut yoghurt. It's gut yoghurt. It's going to be like, you know, like Yakult or something that's good for your like... Oh, for your gut. Yeah. It's not yoghurt from the gut.

From the gut. That's disgusting. As Belinda slurped gut yogurt you can imagine rocky wilmer don't forget to get the gut yogurt on the big shop totally so as belinda slurped her gut yogurt bella punched the sideboard in frustration he does all his own stunts it was down to her to sell the newest steels trinket that she didn't quite know how to operate. What's the new trinket? How hard can it be?

Cook on it. Yeah, exactly. How does it work? Just sell it. Who cares? Yeah, she doesn't have to demo. Or does she? Oh, God.

It would be nice if the person in charge knew how to use their product. Also, it's going to be a flat bit of non-stick pan. Like, how many ways are there to use it? As Bella sucked her knuckles better, Giselle... She's got a whole fist in her mouth. As Bella sucked her knuckles better... I bet she's one of those who can put a whole hand in her mouth. Oh.

One of those. Is that a type of person? Can you do it? Look at the size of your fist. Yeah, that's not going in my mouth. No, of course not. As Bella sucked her knuckles better, Giselle swanned into the breakfast location. Oh, she's there too.

Okay, great. So don't be seen with her in the bar, sit on a different table, but of course, come to the big, big conference, by all means. Yeah. Sporting a new Vidal Bassoon wig. Oh, shut up. Vidal Bassoon. Vidal Bassoon. I don't quite get it. Vidal Sassoon wig. Oh, shut up. Vidal Bassoon. Vidal Bassoon.

I don't quite get it. Vidal Sassoon. Who is... A hairdresser. A famous hairdresser. Right. Created the five-point haircut. Oh, okay.

Five-point haircut. I'm not really... I don't really know about that. Kind of Mary Quant era, like sort of... Oh, right, right, right. A 60s kind of... Very much so.

Doesn't make any sense. I don't know if Vidal Sassoon does wigs, but I mean if you... It's not Vidal Sassoon, it's Vidal Baboon. What is it? No, sorry, Vidal Babsoon. Although I do like Vidal Baboon. They both sound very high-end. Yeah, I do beg your pardon, different company entirely.

So she looks almost unrecognisable. If I hadn't licked you out every third Thursday, I'd never know it was you. Belinda commented through breakfast. Really? Asked Giselle, in need of friendly reassurance. Yeah, gobbled Bella. Don't know what's not kept you hiding

that skull of tufts for so long. I don't know what's not... Don't know what's not kept you hiding that skull of tufts for so long. Pipe down, Bella. What are you on about? Basically, I don't know why you haven't had a week sooner. Bless you, Bella.

Giselle Craig. Pouring a double bucks fizz. At the Pots and Pan Pacific Cookware Conference, the Glee team were in their element. Yes, this is where they belong this is when they're at their best their product tent was airy big and slathered with the steals logo fantastic but belinda was a vendor viper snatching deal after sale You get a walk You get a walk Or you Fancy a saucy pan You do

Fab Hey man How about a cheeky walk Magic times babe Magic times So that's where saucy pan and cheeky walk Comes from for the chapter So wait

They're just retailers now They're just selling It's like an apprentice task But they're not wholesale They're not selling contracts Or like big purchases. They're selling pan by pan by pan.

One by one. Two pans. So hey man, how about a cheeky walk? Magic times, babe. This attitude was relentless. Babe,

what? Fucking shut up. This attitude was relentless and it was really getting on Bella's big titties as she nervously sweated through every thread of her daydress backstage. She's going to do what Belinda did at the O2.

So she's going to have to get mic'd up, everybody. Oh, is Alfie going to do that? No, no, no, no, no. We can only hope he is a specialist, so maybe. He might have flown him over. He's not that specialist. I'm sure they've got sound men in Australia. No, but he does the very special strategy where he goes around the boobs.

Around the boobs. Yeah. Are you self-employed? Don't think you need business insurance? Think again. Business insurance from Zensurance is a no-brainer for every business owner because it provides peace of mind. A lot can go wrong. A fire, stolen equipment, or an unhappy customer suing you. That's why you need insurance. Don't let the, I'm too small for this mindset,

hold you back from protecting yourself. Zensurance provides customized business insurance policies starting at just $19 per month. Visit zensurance.com today and buy your policy online in just a few minutes. Zensurance, mind your business. Bella's personal demonstration of the new Steels, and this is in quote marks, her personal demonstration of the new Steels Cry No More knife. Cry No More? Cry No More knife. Oh, stop it. It's a knife that if you stab yourself with it, it's fine. A self- No More knife. Cry No More? Cry No More knife. Oh, stop it.

It's a knife that if you stab yourself with it, it's fine. A self-healing knife. Or when you cut onions, it stops you from crying when you cut onions. Oh my God. So the new Steel's Cry No More knife was a tricky task, but she was determined to try. Wait a sec, because there's loads of old wives tales about if you like bite on a wooden spoon at the same time or if you um goggles well i used to do goggles didn't i at university do you remember i used to wear swimming goggles but it doesn't it doesn't work for me because you

can buy special sort of almost like scuba for god's sake who's cutting enough onions to need it, yeah. Walking on stage, she was encouraged by applause and her confidence grew. Great. G'day, Pan Pacific. She bellowed. I can't imagine that was the reaction. To Lloyd. She bellowed to no one in particular. Welcome to the cutting edge onion buster utensil everyone's on about on about

everyone's on about if it works and i'd love to hear the science behind it i think it's a great idea although i personally love the stylish oxy onion goggles of last season i had a 3d pair 3D Why do they need to be 3D? Life is 3D Bella Madama I could see the whole onion It was great Whose idea was that? We didn't know they were producing goggles did we? No

This knife What's this knife? What's this stupid day? So although I personally loved the stylish oxy onion goggles of last season I had a 3d pair myself the boffins at steals pots and pans have now created something better I give you a sharp knife that blows air outwards as it slices onions right Right The silence

It was a hairdryer with a knife strapped to it The silence in the fast dispersing crowd worried Belinda Oh it's clearing out She's done an absolute rotter Who just shouted out Yeah Now I know why she wasn't very sure about how to use it forget lighting a candle bella continued i don't think that's one chewing a teaspoon you don't chew it you just put it in

your mouth a teaspoon a metal teaspoon or singing green grow the rushes oh backwards this is a future two of those i've never, ever heard of. Green Grow the Grushes Grow. What was that? Green Grow. This is a song that our auntie used to sing. I'd say make us sing on hikes when we were kids. What's it called? Green Grow the Rushes-O.

Green Grow the Rushes-O. Can you sing it backwards? No. Maybe that's what you do to stop yourself from crying. I've never heard of that. That's hiccups, isn't it? Where you drink upside down. Right. He's combined a lot of different alternative medical remedies there um so it's clearing out we think this is an absolute stinker of an idea apparently so did

the conference yes but you would imagine that perhaps when she demos they're not gonna believe their non-teary eyes she will elicit tears of joy and amazement. Which she'll blow away by holding a knife up to their face. So this is the future. With that authoritative statement, Bella began chopping an onion live on stage. Live. A live onion chopping.

Imagine the spectacle. David Blaine's not done this one, has he? Sprinkles of people watched but unfortunately the settings hadn't been expertly calibrated on the blade air filter

because Bella didn't know what she was doing no but surely there's somebody that can calibrate the fucking knife calibrate the knife guys how many times you know the saying don't negotiate with terrorists the second rule that everybody knows calibrate the knife guys how many times you know the saying don't negotiate with terrorists the second rule that every day calibrate the knife calibrate the blade air filter that's how big is this thing if it's got a kind of it's got a barrel on it as well you know what i would i would love people to send in their designs for the what's it called um the steels cry no more knife the

steels cry no more knife so based on what you know and maybe there's more to come but we'd love to see some some drawing we've got a lot of very talented um illustrators out there love to see some designs there'll be people that work in product development as well so they're probably aware of this in the marketplace like they're like oh this has been around for a while but you know obviously steels has got their first um and and i'm guessing the blowing of the air is to obviously get the onion contaminants away away from. Away from your eyes, yeah. So you've got anyone next to you or near you. But don't forget, guys, it's got settings as well.

It's got settings and you've got to, we must stress again, calibrate the blade air filter. Much to her embarrassment, squirts of onion juice sprayed into her heavily mascarade eyes. So now it's sucking the air back and like sort of it's blowing it into her face wow that is badly calibrated why does it even have that option uh making her cry flavorsome tears oh shit this is an absolute doozy oh no my eyes they're blinded by juice don Don't say that on stage. Like, style it out, Bella. It's live!

Despite the demo going pear-shaped, Bella finished on brand like the professional she wished she was. Well, I would argue she really didn't. So? The brand is no tears. So? It's no crying. That is the brand.

It's called Cry No More. Like, you run more of a risk of getting onion in your eye with this knife than without. And she thinks she's blind. So she's got a knife in her hand. She's blind and she's screaming that. This is the worst. This is going to go viral. So if you want a steal, get a steals pots and pans.

She catchphrased. Get a steals pots and pans what? Wephrased. Get a Steel's pots and pans what? We've never heard this catchphrase before. If you want a Steel... Spelt with an A. Yeah. Get a Steel's... Spelt with three E's.

Pots and pans. Get a Steel's pots and pans. And then what trails off? Get a Steel's pots and pans. You can't have a catchphrase that then just goes into really small print where you can't read the rest. Maybe you should put the product after it. So like, if you want to steal, get a Steeles pots and pans cry no more knife.

Right. So she's just missed out that last bit. Well, you've made it into something, but that's not actually what... I mean, we could have a big brainstorm about what the catchphrase should be. So the catchphrase of Steeles is apparently, so if you want to steal,

get a Steeles pots and pans. Okay. Okay, it doesn't necessarily make sense. No, it's not great. We're no experts, I suppose. Footfall was not really pumping post Bella's demo. No. You amaze me.

But through the synthetic shards of fake hair on her head, Giselle saw a glamorous older lady fingering the stainless steel section. Older ladies. What older ladies do we know? Duchess. That's the only one I'm thinking. feasible customer hello insert name here hi i was just older so hi i'm tricksy forward said tricksy forward very forward tricksy forward what is trick Forward going to be like?

I think she's going to be forward With 30 years experience in the biz I'm a high quality buyer For bed and breakfasts Throughout all the bush Up all the way to Boonanob To where? Boonanob

That can't be real Boonanob Am I googling Boonanob? I don't care No don't bother Joking go on. No, doesn't exist. Spanker Knob, Bullshit Hill and Guy's Dirty Hole.

What? Are all real places in Australia. But Booner Knob isn't. Bum Cooler Flat, Cock Up. Oh, wow. Quality Knobs, Dismal Swamp, Prickly Bottom. So if you'd just done a little bit of research, you could have actually had a good one.

You could have had any of those. Booner Knob. Giselle continued encouraged. Well if you're interested in our world of cookware my colleague has the price gun. Price gun?

Trixie looked dead into the eyeballs of Giselle in a wig and she smiled. Yes I'd love to make an order. Thank you. She let the lack

of name hang like a big dick on a nudist beach. That's good. That's what I'm going to think every time somebody goes, and you are. So she let the lack of name hang in the air like a big dick on a nudist beach. Guinevere, Giselle said with uneasy confidence.

She's not thought through what she's going to call herself. No one knows who she is. And also Guinevere, like thatelle said with uneasy confidence. She's not thought through what she's going to call herself. No one knows who she is. And also Gwynevere, like that's going to draw suspicion. I've never met a Gwynevere in my whole life. No one's been called Gwynevere since medieval times. Gwynevere, Giselle said with uneasy confidence. Uneasy confidence. So she is confident.

Gwynevere. Well, I lance a lot of deals. Trixie winked at her. Very good. Very good. So, this should be fun. As Giselle's muff melted, her heart knew she'd picked the right profession.

So that moment had, like, galvanised her joy. It was a calling. For the job. It's her vocation. Pointing Trixie forward to Belinda, she breathed in an honest day's work. Trixie forward or pointing Trixie forward? Pointing Trixie forward to Belinda.

No, just pointing Trixie forward to Belinda. She breathed in an honest day's work. It didn't take long for Belinda and Trixie to cook up a storm at the cashier's register. Hanging it up by the till. She bought 8,000 units. Oh my God. for Belinda and Trixie to cook up a storm at the cashier's register. Hagging it up by the till. She bought 8,000 units. Oh my God!

She's got a big car. Of various items on credit with a hand slap, lip lick and bosom bump. Did they lick each other's lips or did they lick their own lips? Always worth asking. Belinda knew

a like-minded businesswoman when she felt their breasts against her own. So she invited Trixie back to her hotel suite. How do you know if someone's like-minded businesswoman when she felt their breasts against her own so she invited Trixie back to her hotel suite how do you know if someone's like-minded breast to breast that's how you know hailing from Boonanob herself Trixie Forward was grateful for the lodgings it's far they're far away and after many stories of botched sales and even more bottles of champagne later, it was time to kiss. Trixie's nipples were a dream come real.

Perfection. With areolas as pimpled as strawberries. Oh, I kind of understand that. Yeah, little seeds that are on a strawberry. I mean, I wouldn't say mine are seeded, but they're more of a plain batch. But yeah, okay. With areolas as pimpled as strawberries and teats as hard as an entrance exam, she was just demanding to be sucked numb.

He loves a nipple, doesn't he? He loves a nipple. He's seen a lot of them. Listen to that detail. I know. Belinda prayed to the Norse gods she was in for a good old tongue lashing from her client. Trixie Forward could read her desires like the passages of Shakespeare

so promptly unwrapped her muggy pussy. Wow, I was going to say how poetic it was and then we had muggy pussy. Muggy is a new one on us. Muggy? It is hot, humid. Yeah, damp. She read her like Shakespeare which is actually quite hard to read,

isn't it? So she found her difficult to read, is that what we're... Unless she's some sort of, yeah. Scholar. She's Julie Dench.

So, unwrapped her muggy pussy. Unwrapped? That sounds cling-filmed, doesn't it? Which, obviously... Well,

no wonder it's muggy. Well, it would... If it's been wrapped in cellophane, that's going to exacerbate it. Wrapped and left out

in the heat. What? Her thumb tips vibed around Belinda's vaginal mound like a pro. Inserting three fingers and tongue. At the same time? It's a lot. It's a full vagina. Inserting three fingers and tongue,

Trixie Forward began having an internal feel around. Bloody hell. Trixie Forward is not backwards and going forward I really hate how Rocky describes stuff as being you know like it's always like an internal interrogation an investigation a scan an examination having a feel around like what what are they looking for like what do you expect to find each wrong corner tricksy took you can't you simply can't get lost there's no corners in the vagina it should be it should really think of it as a tunnel rocky it's not like oh i took another wrong left turn you know

i ended up? I mean, I dread to think where he thinks you end up. Each wrong corner Trixie took sent Belinda into new realms of nirvana. And it wasn't long before the wombat skin rug was soaking wet in biotic extract. Oh, it's like gut yoghurt. It's like how they make gut yoghurt. Oh, my God. wombat wombat rug yeah yeah i was coming to that sorry she was coming on it i was coming to it um um wombat rug yeah that's some cruel

skin wombat rugs you know roadkill to be fair. There's a lot of that in Australia, isn't there? Okay. So the wombat skin rug was soaking wet in biotic extract and Belinda blinked, which brings us to the end of story time today. No. Yes, that's the end of the chapter. So, what have we learnt there? Giselle's back. Giselle's back in the fold.

The Glee team are one once more after Bella's initial hesitancy. She seems to get over that quickly. Yep, that was a total red herring. We have new technology. Other inventions have been the focus of, you know, corporate espionage, but nobody wants the onion knife.

Nobody's trying to steal those things, are they? Yeah, no suggestion that anyone bought one. There was also the other bit of tech in the Senor Zips. Oh, yes. The shower radio. The shower radio, which did tell us that Mr. Hushman is back in Germany. Just thought you should know. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that quite vital plot point that got overshadowed by everything else.

Senor Hushman, yeah. Metrixy forward. Metrixy forward. Had a boozy bizbrek, whatever it was. God, there was a lot actually now we look back on these many many many hours given time

to really let it percolate yes there you go that was chapter four racing through the book we're still in Australia though I really didn't think we'd be in Australia this long what is going on

back at base well it's interesting the next chapter might allude to that because it's just called back to basics oh okay sometimes you're in his mind you don't even know it it's a scary scary dark place to be if you do have a design of course for the onion knife or if you've got any questions or queries or i always love the the theories about where we're going to go next my dad wrote a porno at gmail.com yep and you can

contact us on twitter at dadwroteaporno and instagram at mydadwrotea follow us and subscribe it's all for free it means

you never miss a chapter write us a review tell us your lovers so yeah do come back next week for another porno day

now who fancies a bisbrek James it's far too late in the day and dad won't let us expense any champagne Fancy's a Bisbrek. James, it's far too late in the day. And Dad won't let us expense any champagne. Own each step with Peloton.

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