My Dad Wrote A Porno - S6E5 - 'Back To Basics'

Episode Date: June 20, 2021

Belinda finally returns to Steele's Pots and Pans and has some scores to settle with her colleagues. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. I'm Jamie. I've got James and Alice with me. James, how are you today? I'm absolutely baffled by Alice today. I'm Jamie. I've got James and Alice with me. James, how are you today? I'm absolutely baffled by Alice today. Oh, okay. She's defying any kind of human logic. She's gone like, society's rules, what rules? I'm not quite sure I follow.

And I know it's a bit of a trope that I always comment on your outfit, but today is particularly mad. Are you sponsored by Stripes? What the fuck's going on? Like, she's dressed like a rainbow and I'm not quite sure. Well, I told you why. Because I lost track of time and I went for a run and I've come straight from the run. You've got leggings on that have got stripes on them. Then you've got a stripy t-shirt on. You've got about 12 colours on.

You've got this stripy bag here. Well, I'm sorry. I didn't get the dress code. Then we get out of the car. We've got a car here. She pulls out of her bag a half-eaten piece of toast with marmalade on it. I'm like, what are you doing? Where did you produce that from?

James stuffed in his tracks. Did you eat it? Yeah, of course. It was my breakfast. But totally straight face. Just like, what? What? You've never seen somebody eat a piece of toast before?

How much has it been in your bag for? Since this morning. Your life is chaos chaos what's going on are you okay this is quite a help i will not i will not i just can't um you say that you're baffled by me well i'm going to continue the chain of bafflement jamie said just before we pressed record hang on wait that he was feeling all over the shop yeah and he said oh i think i've got swallows in the attic is that a a phrase? I mean, it's too much time spent with Rocky's work. Swallows in the attic?

It's because I was setting up the mics and you were showing James a video, I think, that had birds twittering in the background and I didn't know what it was. Oh. And so I asked what it was and you said, oh, it's a video. I said, oh, I thought I had swallows in the attic.

It's quite a good phrase, though, isn't it? Swallows in the attic. Sorry, I'm all swallows in the attic today. I'm going to start using it. I think that should be a thing. It's actually better than any of the Rocky ones. Okay, fine. The chain continues.

James, I really don't like your hair today. No, I do need a cut, to be fair. It's getting very grey at the sides. What a lovely, friendly start to the show. It's not usually James that's full of vitriol. I know, it's normally you. It's just like, I think her outfits can't get madder and then she ramps

it up every week and she's now in a fucking like joseph and his technical adrenia i honestly thought this was innocuous i didn't even do this to troll you like my appearance is not here to be you know provocative to you i only jest because you are normally such a stylish lady i don't want to i'm gonna get cancelled oh please don't cancel these little disclaimers that he does at the end i think you're wearing it with authenticity and grace. God bless you Jamie. Yeah but he's got

swallows in the attic so he doesn't want to listen to him. Right so where were we? It's chapter five time. Chapter five swallows in the attic. Back to basics.

Back to basics. So hopefully we're going back to steel pots and pans. Back to normal. So quick and emphasis on the brief recap of last episode. So quick, an emphasis on the brief.

Recap of last episode. So Belinda got the thing about Berlin and Mr. Hushman having the blueprints. She then sold some pots and pans. Mr. Hushman never

doesn't make me laugh. Also, the thing. So detailed. Yeah, thank you. She got the thing. This is why you do it, James. You do it. Got the alert, I mean,

from Senor Zip. No, shush. No, no. Like, this is useful. I'm like, what? What are you talking about? She was in the shower and she heard the interception. Oh, the shower radio, yeah.

So she has to go to Berlin at some point to get the blueprints off Mr. Hushman. And then her, Giselle and Bella started selling some pots and pans at the big... Oh, the onion knife thing. Yes. And then Trixie Forward was buying loads of shit and Belinda seduced her ass. So that's where we were. Yes. And then Trixie Forward was buying loads of shit and Belinda seduced her ass. So that's where we were. Okay.

Can I ask, actually, how many chapters are in this book? Ten. Ten? This is the halfway point. If we called it a pamphlet in the past, what is this? This is just a poster. The first four chapters have been basically set up. So I'm wondering how he's going to kind of claw this back.

James, welcome to Belinda Blink. Every chapter's set up of nothing. We just want a climax. Is that too much to ask? You've been pent up for six years, James. Honestly, I've got blue balls. Okay, so chapter five then. Belinda Blinked six.

Chapter five. You sound surprised. I couldn't remember what we were on. Okay, Belinda Blinked six. Chapter Five. Back to basics. As the moon howled. Must be full.

It's a big bright moon. I mean, cut out the middle man. Don't have the wolf. Howling at the moon. Forget it, I'll do it myself. As the moon howls. There is a man in the moon, I guess. Made of cheese.

As the moon howled, Trixie forward, constantly high-fived Belinda's pussy lids. Ew, slapping at them. I'm trying to think, even if he did that lightly, if that would be nice. High-fiving is an odd motion. I guess he might be using high-five euphemistically, like five fingers, you know, like five... Or like the palm, or the fingers together. I don't know what you're... Yeah.

She was slapping it against her hand. Oh, slapping, cool. Which was making Belinda gush from every plumped up paw. Orgasms from business people really did set the milk from the curdle. Regardless... Honestly, swallows in the attic. He's absolutely lost it. Orgasms from business people really did set the milk from the curdle.

Regardless of the continent you were bonking on. Trixie looked deep into Belinda's show-stopping vagina. I've always said her vagina was a proscenium arch. So Trixie looked deep into Belinda's show-stopping vagina. She had never seen such a beautiful arrangement of damp skin folds. Oh my life. As compliments go, it's specific. Damp skin folds.

Oh, how deep can you see? Like, how far can you go? Not see, not very far. How do you mean? Because obviously, how do you mean? It's a literal hole. Yeah, but can you not like pull it apart so you could like you can pull it and then you can pull what stretch the hole so you can see it okay so what are you

pulling the the flaps right pull them open see in like i'm not stupid like i know okay well i know you can't i know it doesn't just go like straight to the back like it's not straight vagina to anus and you can see straight through oh good lord so you you can't I know it doesn't just go like Straight to the back Like it's not Straight to the back Vagina to anus And you can see straight through Oh good lord So you don't think that That's good No I don't think that

But like I'm just wondering Why don't people Shit out babies Can you imagine Or shit out cum Or shit out whatever else Goes in Or out

Go on then Sorry yeah So you know that He's saying She can see deep inside I'm just wondering How deep she could realistically see i think it's more like figuratively like as if you look deep in someone's

eyes you see yeah because are you actually seeing to the back of their eye that's true when you look deep into somebody's soul you don't look through all of the organs to where their soul might live don't take it literally is what I'm saying. Okay. Don't take it. I don't want it. I will leave it behind. So she had never seen such a beautiful arrangement

of damp skin folds. At least not since the pages of her favourite Dick Francis novel have been left out in the rain. Is it made of skin? Is the book made of skin? You know when...

It's like the book in Hocus Pocus. Oh, horrid. Have you seen Hocus Pocus? Yeah, horrid. And it's got an eye in the cover. Oh. And the pages are made of skin. So wait, she's saying she had a skin-bound Dick Francis first edition.

So she'd never seen such a beautiful arrangement of damp skin folds, at least not since the pages of her favourite Dick Francis novel had been left out left out in the rain yeah so he is saying they're made of skin because that's just on paper isn't it otherwise um folded i mean it's not really folded even is it but but when like books get left out in the rain and they go all kind of like mulchy yeah and then they get dried and they get this kind of no i don't sorry that's what a vagina looks like. No, no, no. It's actually pages of a book. A pulped book. No. Yeah, I'm not sure.

I don't know why I'm defending it. It makes no sense. It's classic. I know what you're saying. Like a paperback that's got wet and dried out again and all the pages are kind of morphed together and there are curves in them rather than it being straight. That's what he thinks it looks like.

Well, this is what this looked like to Trixie Forward. It reminded her of it. Do you know where Trixie Forward comes from? Your dad's mind. So it is actually what he thinks. Don't say it's what Trixie Forward thought. This book isn't a documentary. Oh, no.

As Belinda and Trixie lay in the recovery position is that arm over chest what is that it's on your side yeah you've got to put oh yeah so if you're sick you don't choke on it oh very good um so they're in the recovery position to be safe and sorry trixie spoke i can tell from your tongue movements you're european right is it that obvious i never knew i chomped pussy in an accent belinda blushed slightly drunk on fanny juice good lord rocky straight in it this chapter in the uk there's a chocolate bar called a chomp and it was always the one that you got as a kid because it was the cheapest because it's 10p i mean i'm sure it's like you know a pound

now am i right inflation were they soft or hard they were chocolate covered fudge was it fudgy kind of chewy caramel but the just chomp that's i mean it's amazing the things that he ruins from from your childhood and that's now one of. Can we talk about drunk on fanny juice? Never had that mixer before with a gin. You won't ever have been drunk on fanny juice, James. I've been drunk on many. I'll drink almost anything. But fanny juice is one that I...

No, no, thank you very much. Gives you an incredible buzz. So, is it that obvious? I never knew I'd chomped pussy in an accent. Belinda blushed, slightly drunk on fanny juice but yes I am European British actually English exactly

this is aged well this is opening a whole kettle of fish isn't it I love Europe oh me too so many citizens to indulge in, Belinda implored. With necessary paperwork. Trixie continued. I've read comics

and megs about Berlin, but I've never been able to go for obvious reasons. What reasons? Is she a criminal? It's just far. Yeah, maybe far. It's not obvious then, is it? Really? Reclined Belinda. I'm actually heading there later this month, actually.

There's this whole thing with a guy called Mr. Hushman. He's potentially got some blueprints or something, but it should be a fun weekend nonetheless. Belinda leaned in to snog Trixie, and it was tender. She's just given away quite a lot of information to somebody she barely knows. I imagine it's quite important to keep that under your hat, isn't it, about all that blueprint Hushman stuff considering how few chapters we got this chat seems entirely pointless right it feels like filler it feels like james has got somewhere to

be i mean sorry i think just a little time out we don't want to hear from you again too soon pointless was it he said pointless filler filler he said filler okay about an hour later as Belinda soggily slept agent XYZ removed her Trixie Bob ring in the middle oh okay I take it back

look at Jamie's pinched little face I knew she shouldn't have said that stuff I knew that that was revealing too much Alice it was filler

how does he do it he wrote this years ago and he was like, I'm going to fuck that James Cooper. Not like that. Oh my God. Well, this is the thing.

Pillow talk. Oh, charming. Just that one time. I swear to God. Sorry. I'm so sorry. That was my bit, filler. James is filling his glass.

We're normally so careful about sound. I just start pouring fine it's quite all right i'll take my stripy legs and my stripy body where i'm wanted i am so sorry about that that was totally absent-minded i apologize um alice you were saying i have nothing to add i thought you were rudely interrupted by that i was simply going to say that often belinda is the victim of intimacy in the sense that pillow talk is when she reveals things she does say stuff post-coital quite often alice if you recall she was drunk on fanny juice she was out of her mind

she didn't know what she was saying she's a lightweight um so about an hour later uh agent xyz removed her tricksy Bob wig in the mirror. God, what a doddle. Her fake crow's feet told her, even faker chins. Oh, she's got full... Fake crow's feet, fake chins? Full prosthetic. She was an older lady, if you recall.

Oh my God, yeah. So she's... It's a bit like Mandy Moore in This Is Us. Very similar. But I think you might notice if you fuck mandy moore with her makeup on that she wasn't 85 years old that's true tricksy ford's meant to be 85 well not 85 but how old is mandy moore in that well it depends which episode my darling there you go what so she's got like a turkey maybe not turkey neck but like you know kind of when there's a little bit of

slide is it first gravity you know okay james you've seen an older person you've seen a mirror i know but i've never thought they've had more than one oh charming sorry I just caught that one how dare you you said you were going grey so what a doddle her fake crow's feet told her even faker chins if you've seen Mrs Doubtfire it's the you know

it's the look get the silicon face you know it's the you know that bit David I was going to say, do you think Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack helped her create that? Be careful with this one, she's an old lady Very good. Thank you

So her fake crow's feet told her, even fake her chins Next stop, Berlin She knew Fingers crossed she had enough months left on her passport What, HNXYZ? Sorry, so she's an international spy, but she hasn't got the proper documentation because she hasn't updated her passport.

Guys, forward blinked. So wait, are we calling a Trixie forward now? No, especially with XYZ at that point. This is like Smithy and Belinda all over again. So it should really be XYZ blinked, but either way. So about a week of sunbathing later... A week of sunbathing? Bloody hell.

What a gig. About a week of sunbathing later, Belinda Blumenthal returned to her natural habitat. Oh, God, where's that going to be? Oh, Steele's. As she strutted into the reception area of Steele's Pops and Pops. Oh, it's good to be home. Oh, she's going to look great as well.

She's going to go tan. Every employee stared at her tits and ass. She's back. Not surprising, seeing as her vagina was jiving to Hey Big Spender by Dame Shirley Sassy. Okay, so you can't say the name of the song and then just tweak the name of the artist. Like what? How does his brain work when it comes to she'll never guess it's her and wait is that to the tune in her own head obviously they're

not playing that as she walks in like hey big spender so her vagina was jiving to hey big spender by dame shirley sassy as her hips popped against filing cabinets and inkjet printer sets on route to her office oh it's like a montage. She's like, closing the cabinet. She's like, hey, John, love the new haircut. Sharon, how are the kids? Like, finishing somebody's typing on their screen. Like, going, photocopy.

Like, she's just fine. Yeah, she's basically in one of those adverts where you've, like, sorted out all your, like, financials. Right, yeah. What is it? Money supermarket or whatever it is. Does he go down the street? He's got a big ass. Sure, yeah, yeah. So she Money supermarket or whatever it is. Does he go down the street? He's got a big ass. Sure, yeah, yeah.

So she's en route to her office. But what she saw upon entrance was Bella prodding croissant crumbs as she flirted long distance with Jim Sterling. What? Prodding croissant? Oh, like on a plate, like, you know, kind of picking up the remnants, do you think? All Belinda's personal effects had been removed from her corner office complete with window i never pictured her having a window actually

i never pictured her having effects and so yeah all of her personal effects had been removed from her office complete with window She was now expected to E-D-A-D-D. E-D-A-D-D. Should we guess what eat dick all day dude or something? You got one word right in there. Dick. No. Oh, day. Day, yes.

Every day. Oh. Ass day. No, but you're very close. Every day. Yeah. Is it about like hot desking or something? She was expected to like every day? Yeah. Is it about like hot desking or something? She's expected to like...

Mm-hmm. Every day, anywhere. No. Every day, ask? No. Every day, ask. Ask? Yeah, ask.

No, no. Oh. Every day... Every day, allow. No. Every day, and... And? No.

Oh. Fun as this is, I might just say. No, no, we're not done yet yeah every day what other words are they every day anal no can we move on from the a and do the desk so it's like every day something desk duty or something or desk you're close is desk in it desk is one of the words yeah every day alternative desk i'm just gonna. No, we're not done. Everyday. To be fair, you'll kick yourselves when you hear it. Oh God, it's one of those acronyms

you always forget. So she was now expected to E-D- A-D-D. Everyday a different desk. Ah! Ah! The ah was ah! Everyday a different desk. They call it hot desking. It's not called E-Dad. No, they call it day a different desk. They call it hot desking.

Right. It's not called e-dad. No, they call it every day a different desk. I've heard that. Are you e-dadding? Yeah, me too. So, yeah, e-dad. Good.

She was expected to e-dad in the RSM pen. E-dad in the RSM pen. I mean, can you imagine if you didn't work in this world? You'd be like, I beg your what now? I also love the idea they're in a pen. Like childcare. So she was writing to E-D-A-D-D in the RSM pen. Removing her Filofax, a framed picture of Chi-Chi,

and some all-purpose lube from her cardboard box. Framed picture of Chi-Chi! Was that like her old dead parrot? So she removed her file of facts, a framed picture of Chi Chi and some all-purpose lube from the cardboard box. She began to dress a battered desk for the

day. But by lunchtime she was livid. Why? You don't care. Throwing the marble cake Bill from HR had made made her safe return to the floor that's bill trying to cover his ass yeah we didn't tell anyone you're dead but here's a cake i see if bill from hr knows how to make a marble cake i bet it wasn't supposed to be a marble cake this is quite a hard sentence throwing the marble cake bill from hr had made for her safe return to the floor belinda tore a tornado of personality through the office

she's she's on the rampage is this how you treat me she yelled into the lift shafts no one's gonna wear that she's yelling into the lift the woman who saved you from an exclusivity deal with okia she screamed by the bins. O'Kia. It's going to be some absolute gem. Oh, God. By 4pm GMT, Belinda had got to the personnel. She bent down on the desk of Ken Dewsbury,

her heaving cleavage bobbing like a sailor lost at sea. Did you miss me, Ken? She's absolutely lost it. Aye, that I did, pet, he responded, trying to cover the confidential phone call he was on with Andy Milston at Factory HQ. Really? Oh,

thanks, Gorge, Belinda gushed, snogging Ken with passion. And you, Paddy? She swivelled full of spite. She's not all there, is she? But we're getting a lovely little reintroduction and a little hello from all the key RSMs, which I love. And you, Paddy, notice me not here?

Of course, boss. I mean, Belinda, I notice your lack of love every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every... Oh, just fuck me, O'Hamlin. Belinda barked as Paddy dutifully stripped to his four-leaf clover. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

His four-leaf clover. What is that a reference to? His is it like when um adam and eve had fig leaves is that his equivalent do you think well also i guess like the penis and the balls could look like a three leaf clover and then one for good luck and then one for yeah i don't know what the extra bit is cock in mouth belinda turned to dave Wilcox. Really? Yeah, we've literally never, ever heard from Dave Wilcox. Never heard him speak. I wonder where he'll be from. Yeah, where should he be from?

Birmingham. Oh, yeah, Brummie. Should we make him Brummie? That'd be nice, yeah. That'd be nice. Okay, cock in mouth, Belinda turned to Dave Wilcox. Oi, bitch. She scoffed, spitting Paddy out.

Oh. God, hang on. A shudder. Oi, bitch. Oi, bitch, I was written off as dead. that not bother you you piece of shit jesus i feel like this book rocky's learnt the word bitch like where does he he becomes a bit obsessed with things yeah he's normally like watched a show what they say bitch like breaking bad has he watched breaking bad or something it's quite bro culture too isn't it? Like yo bitch

wanna play basketball or something? I don't know what bros say but he's certainly seen something and he's gone that's cool and young. Or he's misspelt bish. It's very possible. So what did we say? We said brummy for Dave.

Why not? I think that's in your repertoire. This is the big Brummie moment. He did miss. That's it. Thank you. Thank you. Another one for the repertoire. The people of Dudley thrilled with that, I'm sure.

So I was written off as dead. Did that not bother you? He did miss. Dave reassured her as his dense dick jammed into her giblets. Belinda quivered with gratification. So Dave Borghoff's got a dense dick? A dense dick. Wow.

An absolute solid thing. This bollocking of the RSMs was perhaps the biggest turn-on Belinda Blumenthal had ever experienced. Wow. It's not really a bollocking. I mean, she's screaming. I've never heard her quite so angry. It's unhinged.

This is her ultimate fetish. But she does love power, I suppose. And now she's not their boss, she's still getting off on it. She's done very little sort of doming in that case.

Mm-hmm. Like, she's often been sub, hasn't she? She has actually, yeah. But she'd be a great dominatrix. You know how Dad's become a bit obsessed with the word bitch?

Yes. I think Alice has become a bit obsessed with subdoms yeah i was gonna say like subdoms is ringing a bell have you read a book have you done it which one are you have you got a new relationship that we need to know about she's a big dense dom um about 17 minutes later, her vagina was wet enough to drown a small rat. But she wasn't done. We're obsessed with rats as well, because James had his little photographs taken of his broken drain. Oh, yes. And in it, this little red. So they sent you those photographs of your defective sewage system.

Can I tell the story? Honest to God, this woman this woman um yes i had a cctv drain survey so i had a video someone's doing well for themselves sexy i had a video camera put down my pipes not my you know um and yeah there was a there's like a very clear image beautifully lit i was gonna say he is a performing rat it's like a very clear image, beautifully lit. I was going to say, he is a performing rat. It's like a ring lights on him. He's like Remy from Ratatouille. He's a star. I wish.

If only he could cook. Yeah, so I've got a rat and I've got a crack in my pipe, so. That Bachelor of Life, am I right? Well, what you need is Belinda, because her vagina could drown that rat and you'd have a free pipe. They never suggested that. That would be cheaper than what they're offering. Get crawl in there gosh and it'll be gone it's very wet this chapter isn't it very wet sopping absolutely dripping is that why it's so expensive when you ring rent-a-kill

because i mean if they're doing that every time that's quite labor-intensive it has to find a turned-on lady yeah do you think it's more humane? Surely. Oh yeah. And it's all natural. It's all natural. It's a natural way to get rid of them. If you say so. It's the equivalent of sort of lavender for moths, isn't it?

Yeah, it's better than putting chemicals down there is what I mean. Putting a vagina in there. It's a humane way to drown a rat. Let's move on.

So her vagina was wet enough to drown a small rat but she wasn't done. Oh wait, who's left? Oi Tony! She squelched into the biggest office on site. Squelched?

This is what I mean. Why is it all so... She'll be dehydrated. You, the so-called chairman of this operation. Oh, wow, she is absolutely... Leather. Out for blood. Me?

I was left for scrub and dust. And what did you do? He likes scrub and dust as well, doesn't he? He loves scrub and dust. Belinda, Tony said sternly, I must introduce you to Giles Cottonsworth. You absolutely must, my darling. Oh, Giles, I'm so sorry.

What a pleasure to meet your acquaintance. Giles what? Cottonsburg? Cottons birth. Cottons birth? Yes. Okay. Brilliant. Brilliant.

Belinda, I must introduce you to Giles Cottonsburg, our latest hire from the Welsh country. Oh, for fuck's sake. From the Welsh country. Just accents anonymous. Yeah, Wales. Panting, Belinda wiped sweaty strands of hair from her forehead, pushed her tits back into her blouse,

as she smiled at an elderly lobbyist reclining on Tony's sofa bed. He's got a sofa bed in the office? For those long nights. He's lying down on a sofa bed. Stucked in. Sorry. I'm so sorry. They've hired a lobbyist. There's an old

man in a bed in his office. I must introduce you. What's he lobbying for in the pots and pans industry? It's like, is it Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when all the grandparents live in the bed? Grandpa Joe et al. Grandpa joe he just lives in that sofa bed they have the most random shit in their office like belinda had a microwave at one point didn't she he's got a sofa bed um so he's reclining on the He's Welsh, darling. Maeve waved. Oh! Surprise, bitch. I can only apologise. Maeve waved sexily from the other corner of the room.

How many people are in this room? Because she didn't see Giles when she first came in. No, well, he's in the bed, to be fair. He's horizontal. He's under the covers. Belinda winked her friendly eye at her as her professional eye surveyed the sitting Welshman. Oh, that's good. She's got one eye...

For business and one eye for pleasure. Leisure and pleasure. Yeah. Mr. Cotton's birth is an expert in the area of product research and could use some corporate synergy, Belinda, Tony added. some corporate synergy, Belinda, Tony added. I've had a nightmare trying to gauge the action to a soggy veg product, Miss

Blumenthal. Apparently you're the one to help, I don't know. Michael Sheen's friendship down the line. Giles Cotton's birth voiced. He is an older man, isn't he? He's an older woman by the sounds of Jamie's impression.

Okay. I've had a nightmare trying to gauge reaction to soggy veg products, Miss Blumenthal. Apparently you're the one to help. I don't know. Sir Tom Jones? Is that you? Oh my God, that's Bill Asconi.

Why is he Italian at the end? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Oh God. Okay.

A lot of accents to contend with this chapter. Horrific. Of course. Let me take you to our product research panel booths. Belinda helped. Of course. Let me take you to our product research panel booths. Belinda helped. What are you talking about?

I don't even want to, like, question what this guy's doing. No, and also, one minute she's on the rampage, the next minute she's just fallen straight back into work. James, here's your filler. This is filler.com. Yeah, seriously. Thank you, Belinda. The focus groups are all booked up and ready to go. Is that Anthony Hopkins?

We're going on a journey. I'm casting it as I go. Tom Jones. Giles Cotton's... Oh. Oh. Oh, watch out. What's about to happen?

It's Agent XYZ. Peeled off his seven chins. Thank you, Belinda. The focus groups are all booked up and ready to go. Sage and XYZ. Peeled off his seven chins. Thank you, Belinda. The focus groups are all booked up and ready to go. So is Burton now. Giles Cotton's birth limped as he followed Belinda through the bowels of steels. As they passed the leather room entrance, Giles made small talk for collegial purposes. Hey, uh, mama.

Hey, mama. Hey, mama. Oh, boy. Hakuna Matata. Hey, I'm an old school friend of Giselle Marschak de Klotz. You went to school with Giselle?

That's why his accent's so mad, because he went to school in Holland. Is she in today, do you know? That's a bigger story, Giles, honestly. Something didn't feel right about this question to Belinda, so she quick-wittedly but politely answered, Oh, I haven't smelt stench of her for what feels like a lifetime. James, you have a question, please.

Yes, hand up. I don't know whether I've got a prediction. Oh, please, share with the group. It's George, isn't it? It's George in disguise. No. Why is he asking about Giselle? And as if he went to school with her.

Yeah, he's 100. He's not got a limp. He did. He what? He has a limp. He limped. Did he? Giles Cotton's birth limped as he followed Belinda through the Bows of Steels.

Alice, we need you to listen to the book if the podcast is going to work. I'm so sorry you're carrying me. I'm so sorry. That is incredible. So he's limped and he's asked James. James. I'm only guessing because he literally did that earlier on. He's done it, I think he's done it three times in this book.

Who, George? No, Rocky. Having people reveal themselves. Yeah, you should check everybody's face at the beginning of each scene um so oh i haven't smelled the stench of her for what feels like a lifetime that's a shame giles desponded new word possibly was despondent desp Despondent. Just at that second... Told you. Here we go. Peels his face off. Oh, my God.

Giselle exited the payroll room. Oh, hi, Belinda. She beamed as she fanned herself with her little brown envelope. She went into the room to get her pay slip. That's a very old school way of doing it. You go and get your little envelope with your wager. Like when I had a paper round,

you always paid in little envelopes. Yes, but this is steel pots and pans. I also love that we're getting more of a feel of the office. Payroll room. Payroll room. Whole room. Focus group booths, were there?

You would think finance, but they're like, that's the payroll room, that's the national insurance room, that's the payroll room. That's the national insurance room. That's the tax room. Exactly. Research panel booths. Research panel booths.

The RSM pen. Yeah. Actually, to be fair, a lot of detail. It's that soft play centre all over again. So wait, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I know James already berated me this episode for not listening. But is Giselle just returning to work as normal? Yeah, I thought she was in...

Maybe she's still wearing her disguise wig. But it's not a great disguise going back to your previous life, is it? It doesn't feel like it. No. So, oh, hi, Belinda. She fanned herself with a little brown envelope. Fancy a Pinterest sesh after clock off? Oh, hi, Giselle.

Belinda's speech staggered out of her awkward mouth. Those were all individual sentences. Oh, great. Who's your pal? Giselle asked as her eyeballs met Giles's. As they did, all four pupils swelled like a waistband in yuletide. All four pupils. Like, that's how you measure how many people are in the room.

Oh, my God. Six pupils are freaked. And they dilated, is what he's saying. Basically, they swelled like a waistband in yuletide. So it got bigger. Thank you. Yes, thank you. Thank you very much.

Oh, my God. Oh, thank God. Giles scorned. It's the special bitch. This is what I'm saying. It is again. He's obsessed. Giles melted from Welsh to his regular voice as he spoke.

For it was actually George Sylvester. It was actually George! Oh, James! It was George all along. You know what I want to hear? I want to hear it melt from Welsh into George. Yes! That's what I want to hear.

Oh, no. So across the course of, oh, thank God, is it? Oh, thank God, it's a special bitch. I have to go just across the border, actually. Just across the border to Manchester. Oh, thank God, it's the special bitch Very good I'm very proud of you

Belinda was Disgusted in such deception Especially within the sanctuary Of steel's pots and pans And particularly at a time when the product Research team really was in need Of extra help Come on guys they're working the socks off in there.

We needed those panel booths filled. Thank you. Belinda, this man isn't who he plays. Yes, no, we know. We can see that, yeah. We've got that. Giselle panicked. He is George Sylvester.

Yes, we know. My brother-in-law, who is in need of law enforcement quite swiftly, actually. She knows who he is. She's seen him before. She knows what's going on. Also, his voice just changed,

so all good. Yeah. Belinda began to prepare her tools to perform a citizen's arrest that took my breath away. What tools? What are the tools? Get your hammer out. Wait, are you going to say she's going to handcuff him? Because that's not what you do on a citizen's arrest. She's not going to handcuff him. She's going to fashion handcuffs. Like a blacksmith.

Puts on a welder's mask. Great. But what is a citizen's arrest? I used to be obsessed with this when I was a kid. Okay, please enlighten us. The idea that anybody could arrest anybody. And how do you do it? I think you just go, I'm arresting you.

I don't think... But you have to have proof that they did something wrong. And what gives you the authority? Well, exactly. This is what baffled me when I was younger. You don't have the authority, Jackie Weaver. James, can you do a little pitter-patter on the old internet? Okay, ready?

This is how you make a citizen's arrest. Okay. One, tell the person you you make a citizen's arrest. Okay. One, tell the person you're making a citizen's arrest. Yes, now I know that, but you have to go like, I'm doing a citizen's arrest right now. There's no specific wording, but you must inform the person you're arresting as soon as possible what you are doing as you're arresting them.

Two, explain the reason for the arrest and the suspected offence. Okay. So, being a murderer in this case, you know. You want who you say you are and who you are is a murderer. Yeah. Exactly. Three, carry out the arrest using only reasonable force.

And your own tools. Well, no, I would say that's not reasonable force. Okay. So careful when you get the tools out. Number four, call and deliver the suspect to police immediately. So call the police. Yeah, so why don't you just call the police? Well, because I think what you're doing is you're capturing them so they don't run away yeah we don't want fugitives yeah so i guess

the idea is that you don't citizens arrest them pop them in your car and leave them there overnight you gotta go right okay the authorities wow so belinda began to prepare her tools to perform a a citizen's arrest until something happened. And that is the end. No, I'm joking. Giles slash George Just call him George. It's George. Yeah. Giles slash George

delete as appropriate extracted an extra long slice knife from his cane. Fucking hell. Oh, okay. A slice knife? Like a little

sort of thin sword. Give me the blueprints, Giselle, he shouted. If you do, I'll let you live your long life of mediocre existence. Question! How does he not know that they're with Mr. Hushman or whatever? Well, I guess because Agent XYZ isn't communicating with George. So actually, he's behind what the Bish organisation knows at this point. So he's still thinking that Giselle's got them.

I remember why now, because Bish set Agent XYZ off with her list of requirements. And we thought at some point he was going to kill off George so he didn't have to share the kind of proceeds of this whole thing. And so actually he was trying to get xyz ahead of george so george thinks he's on a mission for bish but really he's not well really he's a target as soon as he's got any information um give me the blueprints giselle if you do i'll let you live your long life of mediocre existence he's so sassy bollocks georgie you won't rest until you slice me from eyelash to toenail giselle bravely announced.

Besides, I don't have the blueprints, so leave me alone. So, shoo! Don't call him Georgie, either. Why are you being so familiar and cutesy? George approached her slowly with a sneer. But Belinda had an epiphany. All right, she was no longer the international sales director of Steeles Pots and Pans,

but she was still Belinda Blumenthal. And that meant something to somebody every night of the week. I feel like this is a dead Poet Society moment, like everybody up on their chairs, like, yeah, too right. So why not today without a second's doubt belinda placed her whole body beautiful in front of her glee team co-founder she's taking a bullet for her she's taking the slice knife nothing could touch her special friend without first hacking through her first.

Wow, that is gruesome. And also, maybe just call the police. I don't know. Or make the citizens arrest what you were about to fucking do. He's got a slice knife now. Oh, of course. But her tools.

Her tools. I hear you. George laughed a nasty little laugh with throaty notes. Please. As he coughed through his post-hack wheeze, Bella bounded down the corridor, ass cheeks thumping against each other in their power.

Just imagine like a big St. Bernard dog just like running. Jumping into formation, she planted her feet straight in front of Belinda, who was in front of Giselle. So now we have to get through Bella to get to Belinda to get to Giselle. I mean, this is a better order for my liking. This Russian doll of friendship was as...

How does she even know? Well, so Russian dolls are not just one in front of the other. No, it's inside, isn't it? It's inside, yes. This Russian doll of friendship was an imperious mass of human flesh. It's nice to see the glee team, like, protecting each other and standing together once more. Do you really think you can save her?

George cackled. You bet your saggy ass, harmonised Belinda and Bella. Go on, you two. Oh, wait, one of us has to be Squawky. You'll have to be Bella. Okay, ready? You bet your saggy ass. Beautiful.

Behind them, Giselle's heart swelled to the size of Meryl Streep's talent. Big Meryl Streep fan there. He actually swelled it with a B. Beryl Streep. No, he doesn't. Beryl Streep fan, though. He actually spelled it with a B. Beryl Streep. No, he doesn't. Beryl Streep and Shirley Sassy. To be fair, Shirley Sassy is a good name for Shirley Bassey. Yeah, she should have been Shirley Sassy.

That's a great drag name for a drag act that's a tribute to Shirley Bassey, but... Beryl Streep, not so much. Wouldn't have had the career, I don't think. You're all stupid, George sneered as he took out a long barrelled pistol So he's got a really long pistol And his slice knife Bullets can fire through all three of you Even Bella

He raged Rude, excuse me You rude person Giselle pronounced Belinda screamed How pathetic that you think Bella's fuller figure is a flaw, you tragic loser. Yes! Okay, not the time.

I mean, good point, but not the time or the place. Love this moment of body positivity. Bella laughed. Belinda, don't even bother. I know a sex star of shadow when I see one. Okay, this is great. Like, this is like, oh, okay. Like, we're all sticking up for each other.

Of course, all bodies are great bodies. Like, we love our bodies. We love each other. But like, he is about to murder you. So like, shall we? Don't call him a sex star of Sado. He's got a gun. Urgency wise, I feel like we've lost our focus.

They all laughed. Oh, good. Oh, good. Okay. What a moment of levity. Confused, George flipped. Whatever. It's over, tramps.

Oh, sorry. I mean, ladies. This is just an old-fashioned name for it. Tramps. Not heard that in a while. As George raised his gun, the glee team accepted their fate as a trio of titty-totty. But as he squeezed the trigger, another shot was fired. What?

Down the corridor. The Glee team blinked. And that is the end of the chapter. Glee team blinked. And that is the end of the chapter. What do you say to that? What do you say? What do you say?

I mean, to be fair, shitloads happened. Yeah. A lot happened. Not quite so filler now, eh? No, no. I take that back. I'll eat my words. But who's fired the gun?

Obviously we know who's fired George's gun, but who's fired the other gun? Yeah yeah this is like who shot jr a reference that all the young people listening will know who could it be it could be tony could be mave um could be any of the rsms could be toffee apple chew could be betty wilkes could be betty wilkes could be could be alphonse stirbacher oh my god all i mean this could be adam he loves the best of in a way so like if we saw a sort of carousel of our favourite characters I wouldn't be surprised but who do you

think it is we want to hear your thoughts yes absolutely theories you can tweet us at dad wrote a porno

yeah get in touch on Instagram too at my dad wrote her and if you'd like to write something a little bit longer like a complaint about Jamie's accent

or the like it's my dad wrote a porno at gmail.com and also don't forget to follow and subscribe us on all of your podcast platforms wherever you listen to us

and we are going on tour in 2022 go to mydadwroteaporno.com slash live for all of the dates it's Belinda's Dirty 30 yes

she still hasn't turned 30 yet oh and our Belinda beers are on sale now oh I've got mine with me oh what have you got the gin and tonic IPA.

Belinda's Ruin. Very nice. And this one, Nectar of the Norse Gods. Which is a pomegranate pale ale. The Chardonnay one's my favourite. It's called Heaven on a Hat Stand. And it is. It's heaven on a hat stand, guys.

If you want to get your hands on some cans, which are UK only at the moment, because international shipping is shit because of COVID and whatever else. Hopefully that will change. We are looking at it daily. Hourly. Hourly. Dad's on it, guys.

Just go to alphabetbrewing.co.uk, click on the beers tab and then go to specials and we're in there. Yeah, we're in the top eight and the artwork is so cool. They are literally collector's items now. I'm just drinking mine and then putting mine on the shelf. There's no way I'm recycling those. They're such a perfect prezzy as well. If you're looking for something for the belinker in your life, for just the perv generally in your life,

then these are just so excellent. They're the best. Guys, I should probably go actually because I'm just going to pop to the pavilion and do a citizen's arrest on Rocky for crimes against literature. Don't forget your tools. Own each step with Peloton, from their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner.

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