My Dad Wrote A Porno - S6E6 - 'B;B;B;'

Episode Date: June 27, 2021

Family ties come to the fore as Belinda finally gets some answers about her mysterious tattoo. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. I'm Jamie, I've got Alice and James with me, and we're at Alice's house. Welcome. Change of scenery. It's very nice, thank you for having having us it's a business meeting um that's why we're sat around what can only be described as a conference table so don't get too familiar James something I keep meaning to ask that I've forgotten all season very rude of me how's Rocky how is he oh he's

great yeah no he's good he um he's just finished building a conservatory he's already where's the conservatory because that would connect the house to the pavilion surely it's off the back of the house like one side of the house it's got like a big arse now the house like a one-sided lock side of the house the hot tub room exactly sorry what he's he's built it with his own hands yeah as always surely but the hot tub that he chose is so massive it just eats the whole thing it's like a 10-man hot tub basically business meetings in the future in the hot tub guys can you imagine first on the agenda everybody and he's just bubbles have you tried this seat alice move your eyes get over here next on the agenda jets next lights but he's been very worried because you know that the um theft craze that's sweeping the

nation this year is hot tub people stealing hot tubs yes how you'd have to be very inobservant to not notice somebody going through your living room carrying your four what do you say 40 person how do you get it out of someone's house or garden uh but don't worry dad's made his conservatory like fort knox so um you can't get in, let alone out. Well, it also sounds like he's built the pool into the building. Like it's sort of part of the structure of the building. Was it a conservatory just for the hot tub? Yes, because, you know, obviously the couple of years we've had,

you know, no travel, Dad furious that he couldn't get to Brazil because he loves Brazil, as we know. So he thought he'd take Brazil to him. And it's nice. It's really cool in there. It's Brazil full of hot tub. I was going to say, nothing says Brazil like's really cool in there it's just very very very I was going to say nothing says Brazil like a hot tub in a conservatory

is that part of the culture? they've made a tropical wing of the house basically has it got a little bar in it? it does have a bar yeah and some hanging plants it's very nice to give people some context it's a beautiful but kind of modest quite small house

it's not a mansion but kind of modest quite small house like it's not it's not it's not a mansion uh the pavilion gives it the sense of grandeur that we've described before but it's it's a family home and i would say now a big chunk of that family home is water you know what i actually i remember i called him once and your mum answered yeah because he was in the hot tub she was like can you call back he's just in the hot tub it was like 11 in the morning what's he doing he's pickled in there i cannot wait for the big office day out that we have where we get to go in the hot tub it's going to be like a scene from belinda blake summer party awful um so uh we're on to chapter six guys we're over halfway through we are what's what's this one called oh it didn't we leave it on a massive cliffhanger yeah clit hangar should i say yeah we did yeah with the thing the thing yeah what a clit hanger george

who was disguised as giles cotton's birth um was about to shoot the glee team it was in a kind of russian situation and uh there was another shot fired and we didn't know who shot oh my god this was really good this was really good i'm sorry i completely forgot but now i remember the glee team were like in a line protecting each other yes so what's the chapter title maybe it gives us a clue the chapter title is b b b The tattoo could be answered. So conspiracy theories galore, of course. Who the hell shot that other gun? Yeah, it's got a beautiful ring to it.

Who the hell shot that other gun? The cliffhanger we've all been waiting for. But yeah, BBB. So the tattoo might get answered. We might discover the history of Belinda somewhat. How exciting. Finally some answers. I hope. So, Belinda Blink-6, Chapter 6.

Oh. B-B-B. It had taken Belinda a while to adjust to the crazy front page generating news Oh stop! of George Sylvester's death. Front page news. The Sun,

The Guardian. Not The Guardian, The Sun maybe, Daily Star definitely. Not The Guardian. National newspaper you're both going for. That's right, Heathrow Times, yeah you're right. Oh so he's dead. He's dead.row Times. Yeah, you're right. Oh, so he's dead. He's dead. He did.

Yeah. So whoever shot that gun killed George. God, there's so many. My dad wrote a murder book, this should be called. So yeah, so front page generating news of George Sylvester's death. Ethel had provided grey tea. Grey tea. Ethel finally getting a comeback and the rsm's 24 hour physical support but the glee team ethel no ethel had provided gray tea yeah very british you know

in a crisis just put the girl gray or or just gray maybe gray in color it's so similar to what i've prepared for you today actually yeah i didn't want didn't want to say, but I was like, someone died. We're in Murnie. It's tea in Murnie. So Ethel's provided grey tea and the RSM's provided 24-hour physical support. I'm assuming sex. But the Glee team were shaken and stirred. But surely everyone's just generally relieved.

That's kind of a big... I mean, traumatic, though. Obviously, a traumatic incident at the office. Everyone's going to be... Oh, yeah. I mean, front page news, but... It goes without saying. I thought that George pulled the trigger as well.

So I'd have thought he shot. And then was shot. But it doesn't say that any of the Glee team were injured. So, yeah, maybe he missed. Although they were all stood in a row. So to get nobody... And he was so close. Point-blank range stood in a row. So to get nobody. And he was so close. Point blank range.

In a line. I mean, it's just a bit crazy because he is an assassin, isn't he? So. You'd think he'd be good at it. Yeah. Yeah. The marksman was still unknown and supposedly on the run. How was the marksman unknown?

He was stood in the corridor where they were stood. Yeah. Yeah. You'd see them for sure. Well, there's three people, as we've discussed, in a row looking directly at the marksman. Also, I mean, he's unknown and supposedly on the run. So there goes all those theories out the window.

Brilliant. Thanks for your input, though, guys. But also, how do you know he's on the run if he's unknown? He could be still right next year. Supposedly on the run. All right. The marksman was still unknown and supposedly on the run. He could be in that corridor still.

He could still be there. It could be Ethel with a grey tee. But Belinda was just glad the bastard suffered a painful demise. Oh, wow. There you go, see? You see, the bullet had hit him clean on the willy. Hit him on the willy? Wait, sorry.

Give me some geography for this. Also willy. Wait, so give me some geography for this. Also willy. They're stood in a row in a single file line. Yeah. So give me the order. So it was Giselle against the wall, then Belinda, then Bella, then George's gun, and then George. And then behind George. No, I think to the side.

Or from down the corridor maybe, or from... But either way, even if it was down I think to the side. Or from down the corridor maybe. But either way, even if it was down the corridor to the side, he'd have to have like a massive boner or something for it to like clip the willy.

So it hit him clean on the willy. That in itself would never have caused death. Didn't kill him, no. But because he was aroused at the trigger squeeze,

the blood loss was fatal. Fatal. Oh my goodness me. He had his dick shut off. Oh my God. That's a painful way to go. He died of a critical boner. A shot off, you think?

Oh yeah, it wasn't just clipped. It didn't clip a vein. It was like full on. Hit him clean on the willy, guys. Clean on the willy. Clean off the willy, though, it sounds like. You get a bullet in the willy, you ain't got willy. Willy no more.

Oh my God. Did Belinda view herself as a murderess? Well, her tits didn't care and she was sure Bella and Giselle's didn't either. Did she regard herself as a murderess? Not a word. Maybe he means because maybe she was responsible for him being aroused and that's what killed him

because it wouldn't have been fatal otherwise. Oh, don't flatter yourself, sweetheart. God, I feel like I'm partly to blame for being so goddamn sexy. I guess he died of seeing my beautiful body. Her body beautiful. You can come and stay with me and my bro Benny if you're scared. Bella said supportively to the weeping Belinda. Bro Benny who we met in a Christmas special, I believe.

Benny? With a B? Belinda screamed at her. I'll go nowhere near. What? Benny's the other B. You are joking. If Benny's the other B, I'm leaving. Fuck off.

No, genuinely fuck off if it's Benny. Tattoos were on her mind, and she could trust not a soul with even the sniff of a B near their title. What about Bella? I don't know. What about...

Bill from HR. Bill from HR. I've never trusted him. What about Klaas Blok? She hasn't seen him in for a while. What about Betty Wilkes? Well, exactly. Belinda.

She doesn't trust herself. So she could trust not a soul with even the sniff of a B near their title but at tony's instruction she had to escape the newspapers oh my i mean what like all the newspapers are like looking for an exclusive interview well you know what rocky's picturing is that outside the building outside steals you've got them in trilbies going like miss we gotta have a quota madame belinda you know that scene in Notting

Hill when Spike goes out yeah exactly and there's people doing like live reporting you know with like those microphones you hold up close to your mouth everybody's like very much an OB truck yeah all of that but like from ye olde times as well wearing a lot of tweed, you know, hats. A lot of typewriters. Yeah, a lot of those flip, you know, notepads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Read all about it! Read all about it! But at Tony's instruction, she had to escape the newspapers, so she ventured home instead. After all, she had urgent questions that needed answering.

Why is he doing that tone of voice like it's... I don't know. Honestly, this can... Well, tattoos are on her mind, so I'm assuming that tone of voice like it's... I don't know. Honestly, this can... Tattoos are on her mind, so I'm assuming that she wants to go and get some. Tattoos are on her mind! Why now? She's had the tattoo for her whole life. Because of the fish.

Why has she never questioned what tattoo she's got? She must have a reason for hitting BBB, because she got it. Guys, just go with it. Just go with it. All right, fine. So she had urgent questions that needed answering.

Choo-chooing through the Garden of England. She's head in hands. She lives in London. So why is she choo-chooing? Choo-chooing. Choo-chooing. Choo-chooing, which I assume is a train. Choo-chooing through the Garden of England

Which is Kent Which is Kent Which is a county Just below London For those international listeners Chew-chewing through the Garden of England Belinda gazed upon the Polaroid Of Bish's 3B tattoo

On his scrawny bum When did she get that Polaroid? In the hot air balloon She took a picture of it, do you remember? No. On a Polaroid? Clearly not. She had a Polaroid camera with her. It's so combative. No, she took it on her ring. Do you remember? She took a picture on

her ring. And her ring takes Polaroid. Yeah. Shut up. Where's it printing the Polaroid out from? It printed it out. Do you remember? No. What are you talking about? I remember. I do remember it taking a picture, but I don't remember it coming out of anywhere.

It said, in chapter one, it said, she pointed her beautiful signet ring at it and snapped a photo as the negative printed from the band of gold-look metal. So it did print out, but that said negative and now it's a Polaroid. But you get the point. How massive was it?

It's grown. It's a knuckle duster with bloody inkjet attached to it kid L there's a scanner and photocopier as well also where's she going because it said she was going home but she's going in the into Kent are we going home home are we going to the family home to Bobby Blumenthal because she lives in central London so why is she going to Kent that would be really exciting if that's true because we've always kind of wondered about her family situation. So just for full context, choo-chooing through the Garden of England,

Belinda gazed upon the Polaroid of Bish's 3B tattoo on his scrawny bum. Alighting the train, she breathed in the uncomplicated air of the provinces. This is so patronising. The provinces! Oh my God. Arriving to the family home. Oh! Yay!

What's your picture of the Blumenthal family home? Beautiful. It's going to be lovely. Really idyllic. Arriving to the family home, she was shocked to find no one at home. Oh. No matter, she thought. Dad was probably sniffing a vine and mum a line.

A line? Mum's on coke? Mum's doing a bit of Charlie? I don't know what sniffing a vine is, but I know what sniffing a line is. Oh my gosh. Dad was probably sniffing a vine and mum a line is oh my god dad was probably sniffing a vine and mum a line parents belinda knew we're not perfect hang on so her mum's like a drug addict well i'd say drug addict or a recreational drug user and a vine well he's isn't he a sommelier like an old sommelier

i remember that okay yeah so vineyard vine okay and mama line actually there are vineyards in kent yeah lovely english sparkling wine so they could they could actually live on a vineyard i just can't believe that line means a line of coke but maybe it does what other lines are you sniffing well james parents blend in you we're not perfect okay do you think she's sort of one of those you know those posh mums you see in films like upper class addicted to prescription drugs you know i love that as an idea let's use it i really enjoy channel that if she turns up but no one's at home but belinda suddenly had a brain wash much overdue my darling put it hot. Put it on a high spin. 90 degrees. Approximately an hour and 37 minutes later,

Belinda was swinging her legs as she sat on an old wall behind the bike sheds in the village centre. Where we presume she'd seen the sights before. I mean, the bike shed being the traditional location for, you know adolescent snog fest snogs and more oh right alice i wish she must be like a local celebrity though so she's on an old wall swinging her legs she'd bought some ciggies and cider from the off-licence.

She's regressed. Is this what you did as a kid, Jamie? You definitely drank cider, not even as a kid, is it? I did smoke as well when I was younger. Ciggies and cider. She's never smoked before, I don't think. Well, apart from the flute. I don't even think she smoked that.

I think it just went up her bum. Have you two ever smoked have you ever tried a cigarette in your time I smoked when oh yeah you did

I've smoked one cigarette really I wish I'd been there to see it go on did you finish it or was it just

a little puff can you pull a whitey from a cigarette if you can I did was it peer pressure or were you just like I'll give that

a try I think I just thought maybe I could get into this but was it peer pressure or were you just like i'll give that a try i think i just thought maybe i could get into this but i couldn't how old were you yeah how old 33 you know um i was maybe 16 or 17 but actually i did my best friend when i was around 13 or 14 we were at secondary school and i got word that she'd fallen in with the cool girls and she'd started smoking. Sorry, got word that she'd got spies throughout the school. And so I remember we walked home together and her house was first

and then I carried on walking to my house and I gave her quite a stern lecture on her driveway about the risks of smoking. I've also just got the image of Alice with like a cigarette just hanging around. Like, do you know the risks of smoking i've also just got the image of alice with like a cigarette just hanging around like do you know the end of greece where sandy tries to like put on leather doctor stud to you um yeah i'm not inhaling just like what's the point? I mean, I do remember that I do remember thinking It doesn't taste very nice, does it?

So she'd bought some ciggies and cider From the off-licence And had happily squeezed Into her old school uniform What? Oh my god Get it off Tie a rye

Tits asunder And clit a wash Tie a rye? Tie a rye She had the tie on And it was a r. Tie a rye, tits a sunder and clit a wash. Tie a rye? Tie a rye. She had the tie on and it was a rye. Tie a rye. Tie a rye. Tie a rye.

Tie a rye. Tie a rye. Tie a rye. Tie a rye. Tie a rye. Was that our best friend from school? Hey, tie a rye. Tits a sunder and clit a wash.

It does sound like her group of friends. Yeah. All of them. Clit a wash. Tie a rye. Tits a sunder. Tieits or something. Tie a ride. Tits or something. Tie a ride. What a gang.

If she now has sex with somebody that she went to school with, I'm going to be... Oh, God. Why? Okay, sorry. I don't know. Why would she wear her school uniform? Why would she bump into somebody that she'd once had a dalliance with in the bike shed? Which is exactly what's about to happen.

Why are they all still in the same place? they're not waiting to recreate that moment oh so from her old haunt she watched life live eventually a youngish skinny man oh let me guess with nose ring and woolen hat that looked a little bit like an egg warmer, skulked past. It's going to be like Luke Shagalot or something. It's going to be so dumb. Daniel Dixby. It will be. He stopped in his lethargic tracks as he double-tracked the past. Sorry?

He did what with who now? He stopped in his lethargic tracks as he double-tracked the past. So he saw Belinda. I would track back and delete that sentence is what I would do. Belinda, am I dreaming or just doped? He said dopely. Is everyone on drugs

in this town? Everyone's high. Could you be both, dearest Clint? Dearest Clint! Clint! Could you be both dearest Clint? Belinda flirted casually. You usually are. Usually, they've not seen each other for 20 years. Wow.

I thought you were a mover and a shaker in the big smoke. I hate Clint. That's Manchester! I'm sorry. I hate it. Oh, yeah. Wow.

I thought you were a mover and a shaker in the big smoke. Mick Jagger. Oh, but Lindsay, do you want to come to my show tonight? It's David Bowie. It's trying to be a bit dope, do you see? Oh, right, yes. Like lethargic, isn't it? Yeah, no, totally. Let be a bit doped, do you see? Oh, right, yes. Like lethargic. Yeah, no, totally.

Lethargic and doped, yeah. Wow. I thought you were a mover and a shaker in the big smoke. It's actually Mick Jagger. I am. Belinda laughed as she pointed at her rapidly burning cigarette. Why? Clint laughed too.

That is funny. Good one, everyone. You can see why those two get on. I don't get it. What? I don't. What is funny. Good one, everyone. You can see why those two get on. I don't get it. What? I don't. What, she pointed at a cigarette? Like...

Oh. That makes... Wow, I thought you were a mover and a shaker in the big smoke. I am, as she pointed at a cigarette. Fucking hell. Top notch better. Top notch better. Belinda laughed as she pointed at her rapidly burning cigarette.

Clint laughed too. Then Belinda laughed again, thinking, gosh, it was always so natural. Oh, God. That's the most unnatural conversation I've ever heard. They're as thick as each other, so I can see why they got on. Gosh, it was always so natural with this dude. It's so fucking boring. It's just great to have a good old conversation, isn't it?

Shoot the breeze. conversation isn't it shoot the breeze it must be over 10 years since i has last told you is he drunk now what's happening the drugs are starting to kick in it must have been over 10 years since i told you you look like a foxy mama oh my god Oh my God, shoot my willy off now. I just want to ask you. Sorry, has Aaron Sorkin taken over the writing of this book? Because, Jesus, this is zippy dialogue. I mean, that's such an amazing compliment that you would remember it to the day when you gave it.

Oh, what is it? Foxy Mama? Foxy Mama! Because he's from the 70s. What's that song where... Oh, yeah. Do you know S Club Party? There's a line in that. Hoochie mama, show your nana.

Yeah, I'm getting that. Is it show your nana? I think it's show your nana. Or show your nana. I think it's hoochie mama, show your nana. But like, as in show your grandma or show your nana? I don't think it's show your grandma. So you think it's show your nana?

Show your grandma at an S Club party? What kind of parties are you going to? Actually, you would tell your grandma or show your nana? I don't think it's show your grandma. So you think it's show your nana? Show your grandma at an S Club party. What kind of parties are you going to? Actually, you would tell your grandma. You are the grandma. Okay, so it must be over 10 years. It feels like 10 years I've been chatting for. Jesus Christ. Just fucking shagging the bike shed

so we can all move on and meet poppy bloom and thor and the oscar for best screenplay goes to it must be 10 years since i told you you look like a foxy mama belinda those threads are snazzy. Where's he from? When's he from? Those threads are snazzy. Those threads are snazzy. But I think they'd look even more fab on my floor.

What a line. Oh, Clint, my darling. The laid-back man drawled. Jumping from the bricks, Belinda twirled in the youthful revels of clint's hands creaking his cool work pod in a revamped sea container open sorry creaking his cool work pod in a revamped sea container open what does that mean i have no idea that's so weird oh well nowadays they make like buildings in sea containers right like offices and things oh like the crates like the kind of what are they called like there's there's one in like box park i mean

he sounds like he works in some sort of tech i'm really surprised he's got a job yeah creaking his cool work pod in a revamped c container open belinda stripped to her default position i remember those boobies far out far out also i remember those boobies it's like he's writing somebody in the 70s when dad was a boy very confusing um I remember those boobies far out. Clint said as he removed his hoodie and drawstring trousers. He's fully from like Woodstock, isn't he? Back in the 60s. Yeah, you're so right.

Yeah. Belinda was taken aback. She remembered his skin. But now... It's covered in tattoos. Bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee. It's Clint with tattoos. Bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee. Alice! It's Clint with a silent bee. But now there was not much of it to see.

Every capillary was drawn over with drawings. Oh! Belinda was particularly struck by his talented colouring in. Gently, like walking an old lady across a busy road, Belinda took his manhood in her hand. Foxy Mama's helping Nana. Ha ha ha!

Oh, Foxy Mama. Teasing her gripped fingers up and down the floppy slice of skin, it got thicker and tenderer. To Belinda, Clint's knob... Knob. Knob. To Belinda, Clint's knob was a magic...

You don't really use knob in a sexy sense, do you? Look at your knob. It's quite difficult to... Get your knob out. Make sense, you all. To Belinda, Clint's knob was a magical Aladdin's lamp of passion. The more she rubbed it, the more her wishes came true. Oh, lovely.

In a seamless exchange, worthy of the Jamaican relay team, Belinda switched hand to mouth. Cool. So she's gone from hand to mouth. She's sucking him off, basically. Okay, thank you. After a good old go, after a good old go,

Clint's voice sounded from upon high. Blizzard, quit licking it. I'm not a wibbly wobbly wonder. I feel sick. Stop licking it. I'm not a wibbly wobbly wonder. What's that? I have no idea. A wibbly wobbly wonder I have no idea

A wibbly wobbly wonder Is that a type of ice cream? James You want me to google wibbly wobbly wonder I don't know if I want that in my history Oh Wibbly wobbly wonder Was an ice cream on a stick

Which was marketed in Ireland In the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s well i mean that's prime time for rocky yeah 70s that could have been a little treat that used to have oh my god it looks i mean i don't know if they still exist it doesn't look the most appetizing it's got like brat is that brown on top well chocolate presumably presumably. Presumably. And then, what, lemon and strawberry underneath? Lemon and strawberry? It's not going to be lemon, is it? It's going to be orange.

Sorry, strawberry and banana flavour ice cream. Oh, I do beg your pardon. Jelly and chocolate. 3P. 3P. Hey, what a bargain. Wibbly wobbly wonder. Wow, do you think they all called their dicks

wibbly wobbly wonders? It'd be an opportunity missed if you didn't. James, you have to post a picture of that. That looks rancid. Appropriately primed, Clint slipped into his old playmate's pussy and rogered the common sense out of her. There wasn't anything I would have had to say.

Belinda whooped from the leather recliner to countertop cashier. Oh, they did it on the recliner and then they did it on the counter. It is factually correct. Okay. This will be good Lawyers on TV, Dale Oh God, what is this going to be? I'm done I already hard disagree

It is factually correct To say that lust Is as powerful a drug as heroin And Belinda was an addict Scoring on the badass streets of desire Wow That is lovely that isn't it It's not true but Belinda was an addict scoring on the badass streets of desire. Wow. That is lovely, that, isn't it? It's not true, but...

It is not factually correct. Oh, my God. That is one of the funniest things he's ever said. It is factually correct. I doubt it. Reversing, Clint's long lollipop popped out of Belinda's fuchsia vag as she sprang back to business. Right.

It's a business, okay. Clint, do you remember my 18th birthday fancy dress party? She idly mused. Oh my God, can you imagine? I used to love a fancy dress party. We were quite good at fancy dress parties. We were. Yeah, we were back in the day.

What were we dressed in the past? We've done like... You wore that like cat suit. Oh yeah, you went as Twister once. Do you remember that? I did. I dressed as the game Twister. This is Doubtfire was a good one.

This is Doubtfire, yes, I did do that. You've been Problem Child. Problem Child, yeah. For his whole goddamn life, not just dressed up at that party. I remember you were Truman Capote once. Yes. Yeah, when that movie came out at uni, I did that.

Well, at Leeds we had the Otley Run. Yeah. Do you ever do the Otley Run? Where it was 18 pubs all on the same road called the Otley Road. Alice had heard tell of it, but she never partook personally. I just did it over the three years. Yeah. That was fun.

I used to love the Otley Run. And you'd dress up. Yeah. And you'd have a pint in each pub or whatever. And you could do pub golf. You never did a pint in each pub. Oh yeah. Alice.

You didn't do 18 pints. Baby cakes. I once did pub golf Otley Run, hole in one in every pub. What's that mean again? You have to down a drink in every pub and a different drink in each pub. So a pint in one.

I mean, that is insane. Cider, wine. That makes me want to cry. Kids. I mean, you know. We weren't kids. We were of legal drinking age. Yeah, but you know, you need kids.

Yeah, well, so was I. Yes, but you were you. Hoochie Mama, show your nana, yeah. Hoochie Mama, stay at home. hoochie mama show your nana yeah hoochie mama stay at home

so do you remember my 18th birthday fancy dress party hell yeah and do you remember your gift yeah

it's just the chemistry is undeniable honestly it's palpable isn't it Belinda traced her finger over one of Clint's pretty skin pictures. Why did you choose the three Bs, Clint?

He did the tattoo! Oh! Clint looked terror inside himself. What? But he knew this day would come. He knew he had to tell her the truth. Well, because I was paid to, Belinda. By who?

She demanded, putting a hoiked-up skirt back on. By... by... your mother. I'm sorry, what? By the drug-addled Mrs. Blumenthal. She was off her tits. Why didn't you listen to her? Can you tattoo my daughter? Mrs. Blumenthal, I don't feel completely comfortable with this.

I'll give you 20 quid. All right. By your mother, Mrs. Blumenthal. No, we know you. Thanks. I have to read every line and every word. Stupid man. In a tantrum fit for a toddler, Belinda stormed to the door.

Before you go, are you forgetting something? Clint said, needle in hand. Every time Clint had nookie, he asked... He asked his partner to ink him a new tat god that's time consuming every time he has a new partner or every time he has nookie oh i don't know because you imagine if you had a quickie in the morning it's like clint babe i've got to get to work and he's like you gotta do it though. He must just be read raw constantly.

Yeah. Reading his body was like a brief history of Belinda's adolescence. Oh, wow. So it must be after every time. Jesus. But when did he start? And it made her emotional as she jabbed the peace sign onto his scrotum. His scrotum. His scrotum! The peace sign.

That's going to be wiggly, isn't it? It's not going to be very neat. Oh, that's made my eyes water just from the thought of it. Oh, my God. Peace sign on the scrotum. Is that all that's left? Maybe. You have to pull it tight.

She did say that there wasn't much skin left when he got naked. Do you remember? I mean, you'd rather have behind the ear than scrotum. someone who's not trained in tattoos as well can you imagine how bad it's gonna look oh my god yes clint was her first but he wasn't her second and wouldn't be her last well obviously but she lost her virginity and that's interesting It's a character point. Clint was her first. Oh, okay. James failing interest. Oh, right, no problem. Who gets to decide what's drawn as well?

The drawer-er or him? Well, she chose the peace sign. It's a free-for-all, yeah. Why are peace signs? Literally no reason. That's why you doodle in a book when you're not listening in class. Arriving home, Belinda used her house keys to enter the family building. So, oh, so she just did the tattoo and was on her merry way. In the soft lighting, her mother, feather in headband.

Oh, God, she's high. And body-clinging bisque bulging. Bisque? Sorry? Bisque? Basque? Bisque? He's put bisque, but does he mean basque? Well, bisque bulging. Bisque? Sorry? Bisque? Basque? Bisque? He's put bisque, but does he mean basque?

Well, bisque is a fish soup. Okay. Messy eater, clearly. How many lines does she have? Oh, yeah, sorry, like, yeah. I think, yeah, basque bulging. Leaned on the very square-rooted kitchen island. As she slumped into her cherry-sherry slingback. What are you talking about?

It's capitalised, so... This is an absolute mess. As she slumped into her cherry sherry slingback, Belinda rolled her very emotive eyes. Before anything else happened, Mrs Blumenthal sung to Belinda... Oh, for God's sake. an intoxicated torch song. A what song? A torch song. What is a torch song?

It's like a kind of ballad, isn't it? Like a love, like a heartbreak love ballad that you would sing. Well, shall we sit back and enjoy this little show? Do you recognise the song? No, James. So she sung Belinda an intoxicated torch song.

Oh my God. He's going to sing. Where Where have you been? Where have you been? My love, you I have not seen. My love, it's true, your body's looking lean. How's he doing this off the top of his head?

What's his melody? But first and last and only daughter. And that took a turn. Why do you look so mean? Is she writing this on the spot? Jamie's writing it on the spot. Literally. Old Mother Blumenthal.

Old Mother Blumenthal. Had been an okay burlesque performer all Belinda's existence and before. Her mother's a burlesque performer? Her modest success was compensated by her husband's curated but her operated wine cellar. Her modest success was really bloody lucky because that was dreadful. Oh. lucky because that was dreadful oh what was those lyrics sorry where have you been where have you been why are you so mean you have not my love you i have not seen my love it's true your body's looking lean but first and last and only daughter why do you look so mean so she's improvised that as she walked in.

That's pretty impressive if she's off her face. Absolutely off her tits. How did she get all dressed up? How did she know she was coming? Belinda's making more sense though, isn't she, immediately? I'm like, okay, this is her mother. Is she always dressed as a burlesque dancer? It's the middle of the afternoon in the Garden of England.

Oh, your body. Look at me. Why is I'm in? My first and last and only daughter. The only daughters are in here. So her modest success was compensated by her husband's curated but her operated wine cellar. Whenever she got a bum review, they sold another bottle of 1830 champagne.

And that's a marriage. Okay. A few things. An important note. I don't think you're supposed to keep champagne. Really? I don't think it gets better with age. From the 1830s.

I don't think that's a good idea. I really don't. You're going to open that. That's going to be an absolute shit show. Well, they're just selling it. They're like, psych. Psych. The other thing is, every time she does a bad show she has a bad review why would that cost them money so that's what our parents do yeah and that's a marriage what a strange business setup so she does subpar burlesque, which is subsidised by selling vintage wines.

But why doesn't she just do a job which doesn't mean they have to sell off their cellar? She's costing them money. She really is. I guess it's her passion. Belinda was looking bored as her mother caressed her last show-off note. Have you ever seen that SNL sketch where Kristen Wiig's like, don't make me sing. I've got that image for old Mother Blumenthal.

So she was looking bored as her mother caressed her last show-off note. Why do you look so mean? Hi, Mum. Let's chat. Mum said as she unhooked her outfit enticingly showing her body as nature had intended enticingly it's her daughter yeah weird well if you're in abyss come in sorry you know i get blue when your father's away, sprinkling chalk dust, darling, around his worldwide vineyards.

I'm enjoying this sort of ab-fab vibe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's totally your thing, isn't it? Would you like a glass of the family vintage? As she caressed her luscious tits. Don't open that, that's keeping the family afloat. Don't drink the fucking produce. Go on then. Belinda couldn't resist.

Why not make it a double helping? Do another one for Dad, wherever he's laying his pruning shears and grape squish wellies. Oh, so he is making it because he's squishing the grapes. What on earth? As the two almost the same looking but one older and one younger we get.

That's families. Drank and nibbled bubble and squeak. Isn't that like... What is bubble and squeak? I don't know. It's like mashed potato. And greens, yeah. Cabbage, is it?

I mean, what? Champagne and bubble and squeak? That's life. As the two almost the same looking but one older and one younger women drank and nibbled bubble and squeak, Belinda dared to ask the question that had toyed with her lips ever since Australia.

Mum, you know the tattoo you got me for my 18th birthday? Well, it wasn't since Australia, was it? It was about 10 minutes ago when she got told by Clint. Now, are we assuming that the mum knew that she knew or is she about to be shocked that she knows that? Well, mum, you know the tattoo you got me for my 18th birthday? Hmm? Belinda's female parent noised.

This is very odd. He's really at his wits end, isn't he? Now really quite pissed. Hmm? The gorgeous insignia of the three Bs Belinda prodded. Oh yes, that. The three B tree. The what? The yes, that. The three B tree. The what?

The three B tree. The three B tree. Mama B wistfully remembered. But what do they mean? What do you mean, what do they mean? The three Bs. They must mean something. Not a spot, Belinda. The B is the most sexy of letters, especially when it's in its capitalised form

and you should think yourself lucky to be adorned with not only one but three of them and a tree look at James' face I'm going to leave he's a gog do you know what actually this has been great

if the answer is three B's because they look fucking pretty goodbye I wasn't really following because I was just reading it The answer is three bees because they look fucking pretty. I'm not. Goodbye. No, I'm coming back, really. I wasn't really following because I was just reading it. It's quite hard to follow just to read. So what?

It's just three bees and a tree? Yeah. She's basically saying there's no meaning. Okay. I can see why you're livid. So you should be lucky to be adorned with not only one, but three of them and a tree. I mean, it's just bullshit, isn't it?

Three Bs for bullshit. Because what does that even mean? They look so pretty. They look great in capital form. That's why you tattooed your daughter with it. Fuck off, Genevieve, or whatever she's called. Old Mother Blumenthal. I always thought they were a reference to you, me and dad, Belinda said sweetly.

Oh, yes, yes, that sounds better. Yes, then, it is, stuttered the stunned matriarch with a crooked smile. Are you joking me? What's going on, mum? But Belinda's dear old mummy said nothing more. I encountered a strange old man on a work trip, Belinda persevered. He had the same tattoo bee tree as I. Why is it ye olde English all of a sudden?

Mum gasped. No, Wolfie Bee! She screamed. Wolfie Bee? It's like Cardi B Wolfie B? Belinda spat Oh come on He's the murderous and tyrannical monster of cookware

But yes, exactly him Why would he have my tattoo? Old Mother Blumenthal looked squarely at Belinda Through the empty bottle Through the bottle! She's out of her dream. I'm imagining it like a telescope. Oh, right.

Because, Belinda, and I hate to tell you this because he is evil, and I swear on all of the Norse gods I've tried to protect you from him at all costs No, you don't think her actual Do you think? Yes He is one of us

Yes Family Belinda finished Belinda blinked What are you talking about? What do you mean one of us? That's the end of the chapter What?

So what is Wolfgang Belinda's dad? Wolfie B please Sorry Wolfie B Grandad surely I mean he couldn't sire a child 30 years ago could he? He was rotten. Oh my God. Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

So if they are family, like if he is the dad or the grandad or whatever, what does that matter? And also, we kind of knew that or assumed it from the end of the book. Well, I didn't. No? Because didn't Bish say, yes, family? Yeah, but I didn't know that meant that he's a disgusting cat. Point, okay. family. Yeah, but I didn't know that meant that he's a disgusting cat. He's so repulsive. I just thought he was being gross

and slobbery. Does that make any sense whatsoever? So presumably old woman, old mother woman, had an affair with 30 years ago. And then when Belinda was 18 was like

just so she knows one day give her a tattoo which I hope she won't ask me about until she's 30 but maybe you're right maybe grandfather

I mean who knows this is actually quite well delivered I mean apart from that whole stupid bit with Clinton which we could have

just missed out but I do quite like going back to her mum and dad's place though I like the picture that he's painted there and as I said before she makes more sense now

I think yes sort of as a person sort of you know when you meet your friend's parents and they suddenly

come into context yeah for sure I mean she's particularly mad the mum or Belinda oh the mum

we haven't really had a snapshot of the dad yet yeah he's not the dad we don't know that he snapshot of the dad yet yeah he's not the dad we don't know that he's not the dad we don't know

we need a Jeremy Kyle style paternity test yeah I mean many questions many many many questions some answers we still don't know

who shot George Sylvester we may never I mean in a way thank goodness George is dead because like I can't do the voice but like

I can't cope with that anymore well he transferred that to clint yeah yeah and our stats for manchester have just they've just plummeted so hopefully they'll come back speaking of manchester don't forget we're going on tour next year manchester being one of the date hitting the road two of the dates two of the dates we're doing two nights maybe three of the dates who knows of the dates. We're doing two nights. Maybe three of the dates. Who knows? Oh, no, they've all just been cancelled. Thanks, Jamie. Thanks for nothing. But if you want to come see us, all the dates are in 2022.

And you can find out the details at mydadwroteaporno.com. Yeah, please do follow us on social media as well. And get in touch at dadwroteaporno on Twitter, at mydadwrotea on Instagram. Yeah, there's a lot to discuss. If you like the song today, if you've liked this little lesson in how to produce English wines, then... Those are his squishy boots. Then like and write us a little review if you can, wherever you get your podcasts. Well, guys, it is factually correct to say that this is the end of the episode.

It actually is. Finally.