My Dad Wrote A Porno - S6E7 - 'HS2'

Episode Date: July 4, 2021

Belinda gets one step closer to the Tri-Oxy Brillo blueprints as she finally catches up with Mr Hushman The Background Goon in Berlin Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to My Dad Wrote a Porno. How are we guys? It's sunny, it's lovely. It's sunny, it's lovely.'s sunny it's lovely i moved house this week oh yes many congrats thank you very much thank you very much and the weirdest thing happened so the seller the owner before me left me a little pack of kind of handover stuff oh yeah a million spare keys and all that sort of thing and there was a piece of paper on top of all this

stuff with all the um the neighbors listed on it so like who was the names of who was either side please tell me those little descriptions of all of them well and he's gone quite far in both directions so he knows a lot of the neighbors okay but what's interesting is he's marked everyone who is gay as gay no stop i've got it all here. Is that legal? Gay. And he's just written gay. Oh my God. Gay, gay, gay. Wait, wait, wait. Is he gay?

I don't know. I never met him. How does he know I'm gay or does he think I'm gay? James, that is quite a street of gays. You've got three in a row. I've got three. Four now. There's four gays in a row.

You've got a three-way there. Well, actually it's a four-way because you've got Kevin and Michael next to Terry next to David. I know. I think Terry and David next to Terry, next to David. I know. I think Terry and David should knock through and become a couple. You've got a kind of straight annex or straight ghetto over here. We've got Claire and Richard, Simon, Samuel, Sarah and Rachel.

They're the kids. Oh, they're the kids. They're the kids. Of Claire and Richard. Exactly. Right. Okay. Now there's a gap, which is you, I guess.

That's me. So you're sort of the bridge between the two worlds yes I'm the bridge from gay to straight you're the bisexual one of the street what I find interesting is like he hasn't gone subtle like Kevin and Michael for example he hasn't just written like couple he's written in big capital letters gay

gay gay gay but so like why tell me this like did you know who I was? Did you know I was gay? Maybe he listened to the podcast Oh well If you're listening Tom Hope you're well

This is unbelievable I've never seen anything like this I don't I don't know how I feel about it Because he's outed half the street as well Which is probably Some sort of data protection issue The thing with this

Is that it makes it feel like This is a street That's going to know Everybody else's business So James Your private life's not your own now that's what i thought as well i do i was like do i have to register somewhere my gayness you are right in the middle so i am wondering if it's a kind of so which way are you going to go when you need to it's where community kind of teeters into surveillance yeah oh yeah it's neighborhood watch on steroids i mean it's also potentially

deeply homophobic but we don't know do we we just don't know i mean it could be go right because gay gay gay or it could be take yourself left because i've already met claire she's lovely straight straight straight with the kids brackets straight uh she's lovely yeah there's no bracket straight for the other side. That's true. Outrageous. Yeah. Yeah, Simon, he's got nothing.

Like, he doesn't have a partner written down, so we don't... Simon's on his own and, yeah, no sexual preference. Brackets single. Ambiguous. Anyway, I think I'm going to get it framed. I think that's so great. That is the perfect downstairs toilet piece of art. Yeah, I might take... When I meet the neighbours, I might take a ride.

Hi. Yeah. Terry. Yeah. Well, James, welcome to the neighbourhood. Thank you. Thank you. I'll fit right in, I think.

Well, by the sounds of it, yeah. Yeah. Sandwich between the straights and the gays. That's where I've always wanted to be. So we should get on to chapter seven. Oh, yes. Sorry. Yes.

Of course. That's why we're here. What happened? Oh, yeah. Because we Yes, of course. That's why we're here. What happened? Oh, yeah, because we never do that, do we? No. We are so forgetful this year. Belinda went home to her mother. Yes.

Had sex with Clint in the weird sea containers and discovered that the three bee tree tattoo was a gift from her mother on her 18th birthday. And yes, it does mean that Bish is in some way family. Yes, and Rocky, in his inimitable style, left us hanging as to quite what it meant. Exactly. Is he her father?

Is he her grandfather? Is he a long lost uncle? And so it doesn't matter at all, because he's like sort of 13 times removed and only by marriage. We don't know. And we had a lot of fun with her mum oh she was great quite the singer was she slash i a full-time career burlesque

performer to mediocre success but it's not all about the plaudits and the awards you know she just does it because she loves it um so what's the next chapter called, dear? This chapter is called HS2. HS2? HS2, the high-speed rail line. I did think that when I saw it. I was like, HS2 does ring a bell. International listeners, that's a proposed extension of the regular line in London that goes... Where does it go?

It's going to go all the way to Birmingham and be like a high-speed rail line between the two. So it connects kind of the Midland slash North to London a bit a bit more okay so belinda blink six chapter seven hs2 family belinda blothered blothered? Blumenthaled but how? well old mother Blumenthal said oh I forgot that was well

you are Belinda which makes you my daughter which in turn makes me your mother. Oh God, you're just stalling for time. And Wolfgang is my stepfather's first son from a previous marriage many moons before my own conception. Can I just say, cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching, jackpot, what did I tell you? Wait, what? Is he stepfather's first son?

Stepfather's first son from a previous marriage, many moons before my own conception. So half-brother? Yeah. Stepbrother? Yeah. And there's, what, an age gap of? Well, we imagine 80 years, because he's absolutely ancient. Although old Mother Blumenthal seems quite old, too.

Yeah, because he's, what, 410? He's prehistoric. Well, she goes on to say, That explains how I'm a coquettish 53 and he is a decomposing 87. It really does, doesn't it? It really does explain that. Yeah, I love it. That explains and covers completely. No more questions at this time. But it also makes Herr Wolfgang Bisch your step-uncle, Belinda.

Okay, fine. But she's also never done anything with him, has she? So there's not... Sexual. Yeah, nothing dodgy there. Okay, great. I mean, how could you? How would you? Sorry, also, does that mean...

I'm sure she's coming to it. I hate to interrupt. You know me, Jamie. I hate to interrupt these books. I really do. He's so shy. Don't look at him. She's got a tattoo of her step-uncle's name on her.

I guess it's her name and... Because he's still part of the family, mate. What are you talking about? I don't know. He's still part of the family. You always make me have to defend Dad. Oh my God. And I just don't want to do it anymore.

Because you choose such a strange defence. I think because I read it... He's still part of the family. I mean, why not tattoo it on your 18-year-old daughter? I think because I read it and obviously I'm the son of dad. Why are you talking like the old mother of Blumenthal? I don't have a secret connection to his brain. There must have been a closer relative to attach it to, though.

I mean, the whole family's Blumenthal. It could have been just like your grandma who had the same surname as you. But Bish is your step-uncle, Belinda. And he has been looking for you since birth why why how does he know where she is she's so easy to find ask old mother blumenthal she'll say she steals pots and pans or typhoid she's your step niece you know the mother wait since birth so not even in relation to her work in pots and pans. He's been looking for her since birth.

For 29 years. So nothing to do with her work. Nothing to do with the tattoo. Nothing to do with her work. Just looking for her. But Old Mother Blumenthal did say that he was a horrible man. So maybe she, you know, estranged herself and her children from him. But we presumed that Bish's interest in Belinda was her connection to Trioxy

Brillo, or at least her connection to Pots and Pans. Yeah, you're right. Not just like her being a baby, like, not just her being born. Also, when she was a baby, we presumed she was just with old Mother Blumenthal, so like, I must find her, well, she's right there. So he's been

looking for you since birth. I always feared this day would come, Donny. And it has. Today. Now. She's mad as a box frog, isn't she? He has found you. And that makes you well and truly fucked.

Well, he hasn't found you. Mum! Belinda blinked. I mean, you would. Never, never a truer blink done. As she choo-chooed back to her private London paradise, Belinda's mind was in retching disgust. Is she on the HS2?

Possibly. What's private about her paradise again? Her own flat, I'd say. Right. It's quite nice when I'm thinking about it. My own private paradise. It's not very private, though. I think it's surrounded by glass.

I think it's surrounded by gays like yours. Yeah started by gays like yours yeah yours won't be private we know that much oh my god the parties will have it's gonna be like mardi gras james it's gonna be like heaven nightclub every day every bloody day you should come around breakfast time it's gonna be like the club we're gonna paint the street in a rainbow it'll be lovely we were making big assumptions about the gay contingent of the street i mean they they might not like clubbing it might be really boring oh i think they'll probably hate me yeah especially when you go around and go your reputation precedes you top or bottom and by that i mean i'm new at number 12 do you want to watch drag race? No? Okay, goodbye. And all other stereotypes available.

At home, she drowned her body in soapy suds, attempting to wash away the reality of her birth. It's really not like, not a rever... It doesn't matter. Also, step-uncle, not your birth. Yeah, it doesn't matter. I wouldn't worry about it. I really wouldn't. As she scrubbed and scratched at her beautiful BBB tree tattoo,

the door intercom chimed its pretty little melody. Fundamentally misunderstanding how a tattoo works. You're not going to scrub it away, are you? She's thinking of pen. And not even permanent marker, just like bi-way. Yeah. Effing and blinding, Belinda hauled herself from the wet room and dragged her sorry ass to the high-tech,

hall-based communication contraption. Hall-based? Wet room. Retro. Honestly, all of it. What? She demanded. Her phone man.

We've said it before, we'll say it again. For somebody that's in a semi-public facing role, she has no manners on the phone. Terrible. Terrible. What? She demanded. Flooding the swirly carpet in her stance.

Sorry, I enjoyed that. Peter spoke the intercom machine. I mean, she's met a match in terms of communication. Oh. Enter as you choose. Floor six, penthouse nine. you choose floor six penthouse nine floor six penthouse nine i'll just leave this here and i expect it to be's the point of the penthouse does that mean there's nine

penthouses at least but are they all on the sixth floor and also aren't they usually on the top floor yeah there's normally only one because they are the sixth floor is the sixth floor could be the top floor but then doesn't it sort of render being in the penthouse a little bit pointless wait but there's nine of them. That's what I mean. There's more penthouses than flats beneath them. The building is a chode. It's like very, very wide, but quite short.

Did you get one of the penthouses? That's all they've got. Funny. Belinda hadn't ordered takeaway, but she was always up. Well, that should ring an alarm bell. Life's in danger. Ding dong, pizza. Didn't order a pizza.

Come on up. I'm in the penthouse. Nine. No, because you know when someone rings a flat, if they've got a delivery for a flat and they're not answering, they're like, delivery. I'm like, well, I'm not letting you in. You could be anyone.

Did I not tell you about that time that happened recently to me? No. And you know, there's a bank of buzzers on my thing. There's six buzzers. Six buzzers. Six buzzers and I'm in nine penthouses um i'm not in the penthouse um this guy buzzed my buzzer and obviously buzzed all the other ones i was like fuck say you know like just if you're having friends around you know give them the right number and then i went downstairs and he was rifling through the pigeonholes of everybody's post not the pigeon holes the pigeon holes and you know they're sacred. And I said,

what are you doing here? And he said, oh, I'm just visiting a friend. Do they live in the pigeonholes? They're a pigeon. And I said, I'm so sorry, be on your way.

The person in question was a pigeon. I should have started the story with that. I'm sorry if that was confusing. But you know, when I get into my sort of vigilante

kind of mode. Do we know? Do we know? We've experienced confusing. But you know, when I get into my sort of vigilante kind of mode. Do we know? Do we know? We've experienced it. So I said, oh, great. What flat does your friend live in? The queen of passive aggression, Alice Levine. Wonderful.

What's her name? And he said the number. There is no number 18. Oh, you got that pigeon in its tracks. And I said, Pidge, get out of here. Fly away home. And he was genuinely scared because I said, I never want to see you in here again.

It was a proper, like, so proper, like, get out of my apartment moment. I never want to see you in here again. Also, the door is quite clunky as you know and so then he was trying to get out and i was like oh he's scared also who keeps anything valuable in a pigeonhole i mean what was he doing there i guess like maybe somebody got a new debit card delivered or like you know it's got your information on bills and things but rubbish thief i didn't really have time to to quiz him about his methodology well you don't speak pigeon

he was a big fat pigeon yeah and pigeons are vermin so it's good to get them out of the house so um belinda hadn't ordered a takeaway but she was always up for a just meat delivery no matter the hour just eat oh i thought that meant like ordering in some meat well it probably does but actually that's another porn trope isn't it the pizza delivery boy. I was going to say, she's so going to shag the delivery guy. Wrapping her long finger claws on the doorframe architrave, she waited for her banquet to be brought to her.

The doorframe what now? Architrave. What's an architrave? That's like the moulding around a door. Oh, look at Alice pointing. It's like that. It's Victorian. It's like that original feature. I like that she didn't order it,

but she can't wait for her feast. She doesn't know what it is. Pizza's not a banquet, is it? Let's be honest. Depends on how many you have. The lift was broken, so a good ten minutes later,

she opened the sturdy door with copious security measures. We know about those. We do. There, stood there, was a gormless pizza boy, all of 19 and greasy.

Wait, is Chiara Montague still trapped in this flat oh yeah she was in the back maybe she ordered the pizza yeah that's true he was as blonde as a European beer

young that's very good young as Febreze as Febreze young as what Febreze the spray that like makes things smell nice

well maybe it's he's like fresh okay you know like how it freshens clothes but he just said he was greasy young as Febreze? The spray that makes things smell nice. Well, maybe he's like fresh. Okay. You know, like how it freshens clothes. But he just said he was greasy. Youngest Febreze. How old's Febreze? Do you mean when was the brand started?

Yeah. Because I remember Febreze has been within my lifetime. Within your lifetime? It's 25 years old, born in 1996. Oh, so he's actually younger than Febreze. Well, this was written before, but who knows? Oh, I see. Yes.

We're getting into an absolute bear. So he's under 30. He was born within James's lifetime. So he's as blonde as a European beer, young as Fabrice, and horny as a ram goat in Eastrus. I beg your pardon? In where, sorry?

Eastrus. What's Eastrus? Don't look at me. I don't know. Can you Google it, please? Yes, I'll Google it. You know when Jamie gives you the eye, like, go on. I genuinely don't know what you google it please Yes I'll google it You know when Jamie Gives you the eye like Go on

I'm like Help me I genuinely don't know What you've said For the last ten minutes O-E-S-T-R-U-S I don't know Oestrus

Oestrus Oestrus I'm sorry I simply can't I meant oestrus A recurring period Of sexual receptivity And fertility

In many female mammals Well E Like O-Ee is like the beginning of like oeuf like egg yeah and like i guess like i was gonna say oestrogen but it's not how you spell oestrogen i was gonna say oven but it's not how you spell oven so is it something to do with reproduction do you say it's like when you're horny right oh as horny as a ram goat and oestrus oh when they're at their most fertile and like and horny horny as a ram goat In Easter Oh when they're at Their most fertile And horny

And horny On heat And a ram goat Has horns It works on so many levels It works It works Rocky Very odd

And the best books Are where you have to spend About ten minutes Deciphering a letter Googling the word Deciphering what it means Which makes these the best Because we spend so long

You're naked He said Steam clouding from both the pizza box and his crotch as if don't shag him belinda you're better than this you're right belinda sassed as suds fell from both baps and pubic bush zone no comment so you're naked. You're right. What's your name, young pizza boy? Belinda vocalised, throwing the pizza box to the ground. That's a waste. I thought you were going to eat that. Monty Jim.

Monty Jim. Monty Jim. That type of cheese. That's Monterey Jack. Monty Jim. He gawped at her quintessential tits. Monty Jim, the pizzaawped at her quintessential tits. Monty Jim, the pizza boy's overalls... Here comes seven paragraphs on the backstory of Monty Jim

that I've just made up and we're never going to hear from him again. Monty Jim, the pizza boy's overalls and chef's hat were removed as fast as the food. She said, what's your name? And he's taking his clothes off. Well, he said, you're naked. She says, you're right. What's your name? Monty Jim.

And he's wearing overalls. Why? And a chef's hat. He's baked the pizza. Comes straight. It really is a one-stop shop, isn't it? Monty Jim's. It had been a trying 35 hours, so Belinda's gash was on the lash

fantastic and jizz was the poison du jour of the day tonight you're so right oh my god read that sentence again. That was fantastic. It had been a trying 35 hours, so Belinda's gash was on the lash and jizz was the poison du jour ce soir. That's fantastic.

That is fantastique. Silly little man. You fantastique silly little man. Belinda, almost air air dry did a headstand what are they doing legs akimbo you'd be really taken aback wouldn't you if she just suddenly was on her head you'd be like oh belinda almost air dry did a headstand legs akimbo muff well and truly open for business standing on a handy footstool with leather seat and ermine trim There's nothing forgiving about this angle. So she's legs akimbo, but head on the ground.

He's going to almost enter her from above. He's going to lower himself into her. Wow. I'm aghast. I'm agog. So that was most forgiving angle for entry apparently There's no way to, yeah, okay fine He popped into this stranger with a bone-trembling thrust

He bonked and breathed all over the shop And was very satisfied speedily After a number of moments he informed her he was to come I'm gonna come I'm to come now With comprehension Belinda repositioned herself to her knees monty jim the pizza boy brought his fizzing cock to belinda's mouth and as he lost control she drunk from his weeping willow wow what i mean let's just take a minute for the amount of

description which probably took what 12 seconds to write i mean it's just a jumble of words isn't it but weeping willow kind of is quite good because your cock's weeping well not weeping i mean it sounds like a sore but and what's the willow bit well it's a um a tree it's like a trunk but weeping willow is like that isn't it sure i mean it doesn't fully work but um yeah no i don't agree um question so she went when did she so she dismounted from the headstand got into a kneeling position she's on her knees i don't know if i'd let someone who's i've just met on my doorstep jizz in my face but that's just me you're a prude okay and i and i think we should probably put brackets prude under your name on the street despite his age and career achievements monty jim the pizza boy was a man who knew how to knead Belinda's deep pan

and stuff her calzone to perfection. I'm never eating a pizza again. Belinda had felt secure in opting for a traditional base. So stupid, leave the metaphor alone. But was tingled with the extra toppings. Those being... Those being affectionate hair stroking, oral encouragement and bukkake.

Where's he learned that word? I worry that that's something that he's, you know, been on the internet and seen. Or learned. Bukkake's come in the face. Yeah. Isn't there more to it? Isn't it like...

It's definitely not on a pizza menu. I know that much. Don't ask for the bukkake mushrooms. you'll get a whole surprise those little pots of garlic and herb sauce you get it's basically well here it says it's a sex act in which one participant is ejaculated on by multiple participants right but it's like it's on the face i think it's like it's in and around the etym The etymology is Japanese. Trust Alice to tell us about the fucking etymology. It's a noun from the Japanese verb, which means to dash or sprinkle. It's a bit delicate, isn't it?

Just a little dash in the face, darling. Just a bukkake of salt. Bukkake bae. As Monty Jim the pizza boy Clapped out next to the CD rack Belinda got quite a shock CD rack But what do you do with all those CDs? Get rid

Have you got rid? Oh yeah I've got a CD You've still got DVDs You've got not a leg to stand on my friend I do have a bookcase of DVDs But I am going to file them away I think Into like a holder Into the bin

Well some of them You can't get on streaming So I'm keeping them What can't you get on streaming? You're going to ask me that Mighty Ducks 4 or something some vintage porn film which is awfully attached to oh actually that's what it is isn't it

I've got some really random like I've got do you remember Starsky and Hutch with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson I could live without it yeah that's for sure DVD

I wouldn't be panicking that it wasn't on streaming so as Monty Jim the pizza boy clapped out next to the CD rack That's for sure. On DVD. I wouldn't be panicking that it wasn't on streaming. So as Monty Jim the Pizza Boy clapped out next to the CD rack, Belinda got quite a shock. The pizza box... Oh my God. When Jamie tuts, you know you're in trouble. The pizza box looked like it was pulsating. Opening it, she was shocked to see the plastic ring divider thing

buzzing. Oh, it's a message or something. She pressed the centre, hoping it would shut up, as she didn't want Monty Jim to wake up and claim his tip. Priority, sweetheart. What fucking cheapskate? She didn't order it, to be fair.

But just as she did, Senor Zip's gorgeous mouth sounds rang out through mozzarella cheese and slices of pineapple. Senor Zip loves his communication devices, doesn't he? So wait, where's the message coming from? It's called a pizza saver. Mitha Hoffman. Belinda Blinked.

The sound quality is the same whether it's a radio a pizza, it's always very very hissy He's entered into the World Uno Championships in Berlin proper He's entered into the championships Of Uno? Oh I thought it meant one No

You literally mean Uno Uno, which I love, pick up four Reversey Percy Oh, you literally mean Uno. It means the card game Uno, which I love. Pick up four. Reverse-y, verse-y. What? Belinda mouthed. Blur. Tonight.

Tonight. Call her on the phone. Why do you have to be in a fucking pizza saver from Monty Jim? Tonight. Belinda gasped. Better get a move on. That's the same. What was the funny said the first time?

Thought you'd like to know. Just sign off. You don't need a last message. So hang on. You can't actually mean that Mr. Hushman is in an Uno championship. In Berlin proper tonight. What's Berlin proper? C'est soit. C'est soit.

Du jour. Du jour. And get a move on. Without a second to lose, Belinda Blumenthal gently woke up Monty Jim the pizza boy, tipped him, showed him out, packed her bags, watered the houseplants, set the security code and left the apartment in an unparalleled rush of urgency. Wow. Still naked.

Still naked? So all that and forgot to dress. Didn't dress. And probably didn't eat the pizza. No. It was a high-tech communication device, not a pizza after all. Sadly for Belinda, her flight was delayed. She needed a rush.

She could have put clothes on. Even a frantic Wi-Fi call to Hazel from just over Hanover couldn't help. Of course not. You're mid-flight. What's another pilot supposed to do?

I have a question. Sorry. Why do we care about Mr. Hushman again? He has the blueprints. Oh, for God's sake. But time to enter an UNO competition.

Your answer to everything that I ask is got the blueprints. These fucking blueprints. When we get them, can we take a picture But time to enter an Uno competition. Your answer to everything they ask is, got the blueprints. These fucking blueprints. When we get them, can we take a picture of them, upload them to some site, email them to some friends? Make copies for God's sake.

Let's get a little PDF going. By the time she landed in the centre of German productivity, she had almost certainly missed the tournament. Such a pity for Belinda Blumenthal was an assassin at Uno was she apparently learned something new every day about her don't we do you think we'll get sent free uno oh i hope so i love this fresh pack of uno oh lovely because the cardboard it crumbles very it will perish if you take it on holiday if that's near sand or sea yeah i think there's an uno extreme i'd love i'd love to play uno extreme never played that i don't know what happens in Uno Extreme

Maybe someone dies How extreme can it get, yeah Uno Russian Roulette There is only one Uno Sorry, this now sounds like an advert There is only one Uno You're as upset as Belinda What I mean is

There's only one game you play with Uno though, isn't there? Uno Uno, yeah That's not even school Close the title No, but what i mean is uno extreme is that just like how fast you go i don't know yeah maybe they add in more um trick cards like pick up 10 can you imagine what a night that's gonna be what do you say when you have one last

card oh i don't know our family says uno las cardo right oh my god did you just say uno I think we just said uno some people like knock the table oh yeah we do a little knock on the table oh how civilised

yeah yeah uno las cardo which is probably some like inappropriate yeah like Spanish English

hybrid oh my god that's so great. Uno Las Cado. Uno Las Cado. Sounds like something Rocky's written for sure. At the carousel of false hopes, a huge man from the Rhine region

leaned on Belinda's empty luggage trolley. Oh God, we've heard him do German before. You may have missed the game. German. Hey, Belinda. You may have missed the game. German. You may have missed the game. No, that's Spooner. Spooner's back from the dead. There's a guy in that Bond film.

He goes, I could shoot you from Stuttgart, Mr Bond, and still have a great shot. What is he talking about? He's made himself laugh though, that's the main thing. He's really enjoyed his own impression. He's having a little... We haven't seen it, and he's like, what I just did was very good.

It was terrible. So channel that, then, because that sounds a bit dirty. You may have missed the game, but you can still win the jackpot, Belinda. We'll go with it, but... He stamped a sexy stamp on her hand. Belinda blinked. The design thoughtfully had the dress code and address included,

so once her blasted case arrived, she freshened and dolled up at the hotel. It was a nice one, with a chandelier and 24-hour full menu room service. That's what I like to hear. Because you know when you get in late and you're like, I could murder her, whatever it is. Mac and cheese, pepperoni pizza for you, James. Club sandwich or burger.

Yeah, there's like three things. You're like, I don't want that. Sorry, I think because of my terrible accent, we missed that. So you may have missed the game, but you can still win the jackpot. That might be useful. So now she's having to go to something with a stamp. Oh, so she's missed the UNO Championships. Yeah.

But how can you still win the jackpot? Oh, it's code. What? Well, maybe the jackpot being you can still get the blueprints. It's always the answer. It's always the answer. I fall into the trap every time. If in doubt, blueprints.

So a couple of hours of darkness later and Belinda exited her private automobile dressed head to toe in crystal and crusted chain mail. To be fair, sexy as fuck. That's quite a strong look. Heavy outfit though, isn't it? Chain mail, isn't that what

knights wore? Yeah, ready for medieval warfare. Danker das Taxi, she said as she slinked into the sexy Berlin torture garden party. I'm imagining like dog collars and people on maybe like leads and leather and PVC

and that's kind of like... Yeah, whips. Her stamp was viewed and within seconds she was in. It was dark and smelled of Belinda's favourite stench. Oh, come. Fresh sex. Same.

As she delved deeper into the madness. I hate that we know that. What are you wearing? Come. As she delved deeper into the madness, she bore witness to sex tourists making body casts out of hot wax, a boob, a ball, an anus.

A ball? An anus? How are you getting the... I guess you're parting the... Scanning the room with her special retina-sensitive shades. She knows how to party. At night. She wondered where the rogue background goon was. Mr. Hushman. Suddenly, the special retina-sensitive shades went into overdrive.

Small neon green typewriting words computerised across her eyes. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. There is Mr. Hushman. Why wouldn't it just say Mr. Hushman? Why wouldn't it just say mr hushman why would it say there is i think we've all seen shit technology in films but this is like the idea you know green text you know that kind of like the matrix yeah very matrix also the cross hairs probably yeah scanning the face 100 and a bit like a tlc video where there's a lattice you know the sort of like grid structure over each person like scanning so there is mr husband he is in disguise

this technology is amazing so sophisticated and also so casual and yet so improbable so what are these these are just retina these are her special retina sensitive shades retina sensitive well they're sunglasses by the sounds of it

so she's scanning scanning they're working a tree we presume Mr Zips send your zip to you and I has created this device yeah so maybe it's in his voice

who knows no please don't do it in his voice I'd love to know how rocky has written the sound that you did doobie doobie doobie do what it says that doobie doobie doobie do typical goon belinda below told belinda above always hiding and not facing reality. Get with it, goon. She worked her way through the darkness, guided by her special retina

sensitive shades. I thought you all knew them. I really don't. All together now. Guided by her special retina sensitive shades. Suddenly, they spelled out the word danger. Jackpot. Suddenly, they spelled out the word... Danger.

Jackpot. Oh! Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching! With a little binary cartoon of Senor Zip saying, good luck, in a text speech bubble. This is incredibly distracting. If you're trying to go on your mission, it's like, cha-ching, you just want to bounce, cha-ching!

Good luck. Belinda Blumenthal was a woman of the world and not easily second-footed. Uh-oh. But before her was a man dressed in the most unusual get-up.

I mean, you are at a party for kind of BDSM vibes. I mean, don't expect suits. Obviously, she had sexperience on the London fetish scene. Sexperience.

So costumes were nothing special. If anything, they were a bit prosaic to Belinda's cultured clit. But this mountain of fluff before her was commitment made real. What?

Oh, so she's not anti-costumes or props, but she wants people to go like full on. She wants James Cooke. Yeah, I was going to Oh, so she's not anti-costumes or props, but she wants people to go, like, full on. She wants James Cooke. Yeah, I was going to say, because that's his last episode. Yeah, like, James levels a fancy dress. To fuck a rather large mouse

would be a departure for any human. So someone dressed as a mouse? And Belinda... Well, Mr. Hushman, presumably. And Belinda... Mr. Hushman's disguised as a mouse and the glasses could tell. Now that's vermin. Not disguised, I think, you know, what is it called that kinks?

Oh, it's called being a plushie. No, being a furry. Furry, that's it. Furry, furry. So to fuck a rather large mouse would be a departure for any human. No shit. That's a big Tuesday. And Belinda was anything any human. And Belinda... No shit. That was a big Tuesday. And Belinda was anything if human.

Being a game girl, Belinda flashed him her fluorescent smile. Fluorescent smile. Or maybe there's like UV lights in there when it hits your teeth. James has been to the clubs. I've been to a torture garden.

He's been to next door. He knows what goes on. In response, the man mouse spoke with the highest pitched voice. I cannot wait. Go on. The linguist's ears had ever been privy to. Oh my God, I've got to set up straight for this.

Highest pitch you can go, James. Oh my God. I am man. I am man. I am man. Okay, I'm going to ask you to come away from the microphone because that's so unpleasant. I am man. Here for fun.

He squeaked. Where's he from? Oh, hang on. It's a background good. Oh, not fucking German again. High-pitched German. Oh, my. This is excellent.

Oh, mum! Oh, wow. Something really unusual happened there. I'm breaking. The mouse's balls dropped. Okay, I'd say we could get less volume higher and German

so everything I am man half of home home what's it like I am man here for fun half of home

he squeaked I am woman here for sin Belinda winced secretly hoping the city dogs were all tied up. Who winced at our own cheese ball? Oh God, can you imagine though, a pack of dogs just like running at him, at the bigger mouth. Oh my God, please say there's more, please say there's more. I'm bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

I am bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Hushman uttered. I mean, hushman, maybe, hush. Now, Belinda normally loved oversized body parts of the body. Yep. But these buck teeth look nasty. Oh, buck teeth. Oh, yeah, I guess a bit like a...

Is he wearing fake teeth or are those his teeth? It doesn't specify. What excellent multitasking belinda answered a killer kink plus protection from the berlin chill how does this relate to uno we've left you know he's probably won the jackpot hushman laughed as he led her to a private-ish corner for a rodential pounding. A rodential pounding, like a rodent pounding. Ugh.

That's horrible. A rodent pounding. The reason he couldn't say it is because we've never heard the phrase rodential pounding. I'm wondering then, is there some kind of hatch or flap? Because if he's in a big mouse, how are you pounding anything? As he got out his massive piece of cheese. Oh, stop. It shouldn't be cheesy.

Yeah, don't call a cock cheese. Big slababrie. Belinda stopped the proceedings. Oh. Sorry, Squeaky, she said. Squeaky. Sorry, Squeaky, but this fluff will get into every hole. Chinese manufacturing screams corners cut.

And though I vow to raise the subject at my next East Asia cookware conference, I can't. Fair enough. I mean, she's a quality gal. What's she raising? The costume, I think, is low quality. And when they pound, she's just gonna get is it fibers all over um fluff into every hole yeah she's gonna raise that as a talking point at the next cookware meeting in china you gotta have some stuff to add to that agenda otherwise you just don't look active

any other business actually yeah your furries costumes shoddily made. Be like me, she said as her glittering chain mail fell to the ground with a clunk. Strip. Do you think he's going to have the blueprints on him right now? Like in his arse crack or something? James, I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to hear about the blueprints. Sorry, sorry. The mousy hushman was surprisingly obedient.

And as his huge bodybuilder body squeezed out of the animal's skin, Belinda got wet downwind. What an unpleasant chapter for language. But Belinda wasn't stupid. She was really hunting about for any sign of the blueprints. Oh, was she? Oh, wow, brilliant. Pretending to find a hanger, she discreetly inspected the mouse suit.

Nothing. Mr. Hushman chirped. What is you about? What is you about? With a thinking beat, Belinda prodded her finger at the label. Guangzhou, told you oh so it's a chinese okay the bafflement on alice's face okay great guangzhou told you guangzhou told you this is a man don't forget next was to search every inch of this background goon's person.

Oh, no. Check his arse, check his arse. As they fucked like a couple of ferrets in a field, her hands went up and in everywhere. Just then, a sultry stranger slinked towards them. This was standard practice at a sexy torture garden party, and Belinda knew the saying well. I love the way you delivered that. Like, the standard practice, nothing to be worried about.

This is completely normal. Somebody's slinking up to you. You shouldn't be alarmed. This was standard practice at a sexy torture garden party, and Belinda knew the saying well. Two's company, three's a fuckfest. It's true. Who was it that said that famously?

I think it was Churchill. Churchill. And boy oh the sex was wild. Belinda could feel twenty fingers and twenty toes all over her body at any given moment and writhed in sucking off Hushman

while licking out the third wheel. Is that the newcomer? The newcomer. She particularly liked the bit where Mr. Hushman was yapping at the ecstasy of fucking between her titties while she brushed her snatch against the other pussy present. Lovely. Can we get the yapping? I think even higher.

This sounds like a lot of fun. But Belinda couldn't believe her vagina. It had never lied to her before. She's chatting away to the brain. She's chatting away to the vagina. She's got the specks that are chatting to her. I mean, how does she get anything done? It had never lied to her before.

But there was a first time for everything. This fanny was neither fish nor fowl. Oh, God. Cheesy dicks and fishy fannies. Fowly fannies. It was neither fish nor fowl. Don't even bring it up then. I don't want to think about it.

You don't need to say it. I didn't say it wasn't fish nor fowl. I did say it wasn't fish or fowl. I did say it wasn't. This fanny was neither fish nor fowl. Disgusting. But there was a zing that reminded her of a taste bud explosion that took her back to a beach. Beach, beach, beach.

Which led to a salty ocean. Salty ocean. Who was she on the beach with when all those secret cops came down? Bella. That, in time, had lapped around her own luscious lady lids. Yes, she had tasted this vulva before. No mistake. What a strange skill.

Her mind flicked through its booklet of sexual encounters. Booklet? Fucking encyclopedia. Jesus Christ. Like a full-on directory. Her mind flicked through its booklet of sexual encounters, fishing for identity. Belinda blinked.

And that's the end of the chapter. A lot of sex in that one. I am. Oh, knackered, but satisfied. I'd say one of my faves in a while, actually. It just had a bit of everything. It had like the intrigue. Bit of travel.

Exactly. We started where we'd left off. So, you know, he didn't leave us, you know know hanging over the mum stuff yeah really very nice hanging like a big dick on a nudist beach but you know kept the story going absolutely absolutely uh so who do you think that vagina is would you recognize it if it walked past you in the street have you ever tasted genitals and known who it was uh you can get in contact with us. You can tweet us at dadwroteaporno.

You can send us something a little bit longer if you want. mydadwroteaporno at gmail.com Yeah, and don't forget to follow and subscribe to us on all of your podcast apps.

And we are going on tour in 2022. It is Belinda's 30th birthday. Yes, I think there's still some tickets available if you want to come see us. All the details are on mydadwroteaporno.com

It's going to be well fun. And Instagram. Anyway, so... Poor Instagram. Poor Instagram. My dad wrote her. And poor Facebook. Never gets a look in.

Oh, God. Well, it's dead. Anyway, see you next week. Anyone for a game of Uno? Oh, yeah. I'm actually in training for the championships. That would be great. Ooh, Uno Las Cado.