My Dad Wrote A Porno - S6E8 - 'Hush, Little Belinda, Don't You Cry'

Episode Date: July 11, 2021

Secrets are revealed and Belinda finally starts to get some answers (which raises a lot more questions)... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Guten Tag! It's my dad, Rona Pornow. We're in Berlin, if you recall. Oh, I thought we'd neglected our German listeners and so you were sort of bringing them in. I don't think we have any German listeners anymore, Alice. Good point. Very good point. Well, guten tag to you both.

Guten tag. Guten tag. Sorry I was so late. Yeah, it's very unlike you. Oh, my God. I was like 20 minutes late. Sorry. I'm very hassled today.

This is the gateway rudeness. This is where it begins. Thank God it's not a live podcast, James. Seriously. I was literally running here, and on the way, this thing caught my eye in a window.'s got i've cut out a harry styles like looking like he's peeking out the window you were like do you want to go on footnotes oh it's only a cut out give me the willies but i thought it was a person like peeking out of the

window it's so well placed they look like they're peeking out the window life size honestly give me the fright of my life you do love him though james, James. Yeah, and then I was like, Harry! No, it's not Harry. What era? Oh, very early, like, What Makes You Beautiful. Oh, oh, a young style. You know, when he's got the, like, kind of Farrah Fawcett curls around his face. So what, is he kind of like a scarecrow?

Why is he there? I have no idea. But honestly, it really took my breath away. That's why you're flustered yeah it was it was weird i mean i'm used to like you know thank you nhs um vote labor all that sort of thing i've never seen a harry styles in the window do you oh you think it's a political statement break back one direction i actually quite like one directionction You spotted the star quality of Harry Styles Very early on

I did We were watching X Factor And I remember Jamie saying That guy's going to be a star No you didn't On his first ever audition I did You and Simon Cowell

I also called Jennifer Lawrence You did call Jennifer Lawrence You did You didn't call her You called that she would be a star I wish You wish Meryl Streep You were the first to discover her Meryl Streep I beg your pardon you did you didn't call her you called that she would be a star I wish you would Meryl Streep

you were the first to discover her Meryl Streep I beg your pardon Meryl Streep to you exactly there were just some people

that you can really see have star quality I think he had a very good feeling about Elizabeth II she will go on and prosper

she's going to go far I have the opposite because famously James and I went to see Adele's earliest gig oh yeah yes we went to see adele in a tiny little club in birmingham like right at the start i loved it oh you loved it and you were but alice i said all right james is like what incredible voice i was like average and then i really backed the support artist

you loved natty i really put my money on Natty and he let me down um and I haven't seen Natty in a window let's just put it that way and I'm not gonna lie to you Adele has fucking smashed it so I'm pretty livid um that's 10 pounds I'll never see again but um yeah sorry I took us down a complete rabbit hole there. No, please. It's always good to talk. Let's get back to the books, though. Could have saved that for off-mic, but oh well. So it was a very eventful chapter last time.

He wants to move on, James. There's a lot to recap, I think, because Belinda had to go to Berlin because Mr. Hushman was there with blueprints and she went to a sex party. So having sex with Mr. Hushman, who was dressed as a mouse, if you remember. And then a mysterious figure joined them

and joined the threesome and Belinda thought that she recognised the taste of her vagina and that's where we left it and also and this may never be resolved but we still don't know who shot the gun at Steele's pots and pans that killed

George Sylvester. We don't and we also don't know why shot the gun at Steele's Pots and Pans that killed George Sylvester. We don't. And we also don't know why last chapter was called HS2. There are so many things that we don't know. I'm going to talk about this. HS2 is like a, I think we talked about it, it's like a high-speed train line. Why was it even mentioned? It was about a pizza delivery guy and Berlin. I know.

Very, very strange. Guys, you do have to know everything all the time. Like, some mysteries are better left unsolved. I think this chapter title has a bit more clarity to it. Well, the last two have just been letters, so it'd be nice if it was words. But this chapter is called Hush Little Belinda, Don't You Cry. Adorable. There's something really creepy about that.

Yeah, it's a lullaby isn't it hush little belinda don't say a word don't you cry don't you cry then what's what's the normal lyrics daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird it's like uh daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby daddy's gonna sing you a lullaby why are you singing it r&b style why didn't a mockingbird don't know so breathy it's my natural talent so hush little belinda don't say a word don't you cry don't you cry daddy's gonna buy you a coffee daddy's gonna sing you a little bit yeah come here no wonder she thought adele was shit jesus that doesn't rhyme oh no yeah i hear it now I hear it now. I hear it. What would be a better title would be Hushman Little

Belinda. Oh. There's another pun to be had. Hushman Little Belinda don't you cry. It doesn't make

sense. Okay ready? Ready. Ready. Belinda Blink 6 Chapter 8 Hush Little Belinda don't you cry The sexy lady with no name

Was a good responder to oral sex This is the mystery woman The mystery woman who joined them So there's a mouse, there's a Belinda, there's a mystery woman With a mouth full of minge We don't say minge we don't say minge in this house in this house with a mouthful of minge we're also just kind of sat here just listening just everything nothing reacts just washing over us with a mouthful of minge

belinda was still trying to place her taste. She had long lost count of her conquests. How could a busy business person like her possibly name every lover she'd ever had? Well, no one's asking her to. From Clint to Hushman. Well, you can narrow it down by people with vaginas. So I think Mr. Hushman and Clint are out because I think they had penises. Yes, that's quite a good

filtering system. I think maybe it's because Clint was her first. We know that. Lost her virginity to Clint and Hushman, the background goon, is the most recent person

that she slept with. Oh, I did wonder what the order was. Yes, okay. Even a girl with an unnatural attraction to Excel spreadsheets could not be expected

to keep track. Well, people do keep lists and I am actually surprised at Belinda. I would have thought she'd go straight to a hard drive and get that in. Notes on a phone. Well, exactly. Did you ever do a list? No, and I think I've forgotten some people. No offence.

I kind of wish I had done a list, but... And would you put everything on there? So like kisses, blowjobs, like... Oh, no, no. Kisses? Fucking hell. You know me, I love a snog i mean i mean are their files big enough new cells please i'm gonna need an external hard drive for this am i right

but it's a good question what people know people do that's what i mean no they don't they do yeah yeah and that's why they have it on like devices that they can easily add to on an evening who are these people that person that we know definitely did no but not on the evening oh no not on the evening okay but like that night or the next morning and they log kisses yeah well how detailed do they go well there's loads of cells so like kisses loads of cells loads of columns yeah wait a sec so they would put kisses you blow jobs would they put like above the clothes fondling well this is the thing you get into kind of what constitutes what

maybe I don't really know because the bases have never been satisfactory for me because what are the bases exactly first base is kissing right yeah

second base is handy things and then third is mouthy things and fourth is full things well fourth is very heteronormative

because I feel like fourth is penetrative right isn't it right I don't know I don't know the bases were not created in a time of great inclusivity But fourth is very heteronormative because I feel like fourth is penetrative. Right. Isn't it? Right. I don't know. I don't know.

The bases were not created in a time of great inclusivity. Guys, should we cancel the bases? Cancel the bases! We're canceling the bases. The bases are no longer valid. We do not subscribe to your basism. I may be wrong and people will correct me. There might be other base systems, but I think that is at least one base system.

But why do people keep that data in such detail? For what purpose? I know, it's weird. Not purpose? I know it's weird. Not weird. Sorry. It's unusual. Maybe it's not unusual. It is each their own.

No, sorry. I'm going with this one. It is weird. Okay, fine. My thing is, I have a terrible memory. I'm not saying I wouldn't remember sleeping with somebody. That's like, although... But over time. Over time.

But then what? You'd see them again. You'd be like, give me a moment. And then you'd flick through your Excel document. And go, heavy petting, actually. I thought it was more. Well, now we're undecided, aren't we? Because that list would have come in very helpful then.

Well, actually, Dad helped us out. Because Belinda then said, and did it matter anyway? Right. OK. What, any of this? No, whether she knew who it was or not. Right. Belinda always looked forward in life and was often heard to say,

Bob's your uncle, Fanny's your future. So who cared if it was also your past? Bob's your uncle. Fanny's your aunt. Usually. Usually. Bob's your uncle, Bish is your step-uncle. Fanny's your future future as the old saying goes

run for cover uh what a family what a family what a fucking shit show as she pondered this the masked sex mistress beckoned belinda and mr hushman the background goon to the couple's cave of cuddles. Ew. Cuddles. In a really... Ew, to cuddles? In a highly sexual... You're so... Have a cuddle. She can't remember how many times she's had sex with a chain, no to cuddles. I can remember. I can remember.

People must think you're very frosty. No, thank you. I've only just met you. No, my thing is, in a highly sexual context, a cuddle... Yeah, cuddles are very, like, post-coital. They're not, like... Pre-coital, is it a thing? Or during coital.

Oh, coital. Coital. Famously, coital. But I just think there's something about, like, if you're about to have sex with somebody and they go, can I have a cuddle? It's like, can you not? Also, what is it?

The couples cave of cuddles. That's where just couples go to cuddle. In a cave. Or is it special cuddles? Like, is it like sexy cuddle? Is that a euphemism for something else, which is even worse? That is a horrible euphemism for sex, isn't it? Like, shall we go upstairs and have a cuddle?

Especially at a BDSM party where you'd think it'd be a bit more upfront. Yeah, because it's all very transparent. Yeah. Blood pumping. Belinda half-legged it to the CCC. The couple's cave of cuddles. Yeah, of course. Thank you. It was more private and had the added advantage of superior soundproof coverings on both ceiling and wall.

As they continued where they left off, a threesome made hay. By rights, the cave of cuddles. Another cock. Oh, yeah. It's a kirk. What's a kirk? It's how you would say cock. It's a kirk. What's a kirk? It's how you would say cock. It's a kirk. It's a kirk. Kirk.

Oh no, good man in the kirk. It's a kirk. Someone else sent us another Oscar winning actor saying moorning, by the way. We don't need to hear it or see it. Okay, fine. It was Maggie Smith in Downton Abbey, but you know, she said it. Gosh, all the dames. If you want to just live your life

copying dames you go right ahead Jamie Morton he has spent his life just copying dames what's Joan Plowright done recently she's been mourning

um despicable do you think when he was a child that's who he had on his wall yeah Maggie Smith

Judy Dent Maggie Smith in a skimpy bikini rolling in the sand Maggie Smith was quite hot back in the day no I'm sure but she's not really known as a pin up in that sense no but Helen Mirren still is Judy Dent. Maggie Smith in a skimpy bikini rolling in the sand. Maggie Smith was quite hot back in the day, actually.

No, I'm sure, but she's not really known as a pin-up in that sense. No, but Helen Mirren still is. Dame Helen Mirren. Dame, exactly. Dame Helen Mirren. You had a calendar of dames, didn't you? No. You know, like when you see in garages in the 90s,

those kind of very raunchy calendars where oiled-up girls and, you know, not very much. You had the equivalent, didn't you? But it was in sort of Edwardian garb. Lots of dames in period dramas. Ruffles. Net ruffles. Edith Evans.

Maggie Smith in The Little Princess. I'm trying to think who else is a dame you might like. Arlene Phillips is about to become a dame. You'll be pleased about that. Dame Kelly Holmes is a dame. Oh, so really broadening it out. It's not just actors now. No, yeah.

Are there any more of those old, thespy dames? Oh, yeah. Like Dame Chris and Scott Thomas. Oh, fit. Yeah. Dame... I mean, you can name them all. He's pretending he can't think of them.

Who's July? Any older actress is probably a dame if they're British, right? Emma Thompson, obviously. Oh, Dame Anne's a dame. Yeah, exactly, Dame Anne. December. Jamie, I've Googled some dames here. Let's see how he responds.

Fit or not? What, you tell me. Dame Diana Rigg. Dad. That's not the game. That's not the game. Well, yeah. No, these are people I think Jamie had posters of on his calendar.

Okay, can I just say, I didn't have posters of dames of the realm. Calendar them, sorry. No, but Dame Dana Rigg was hot back in the day. Dame Dana Rigg, Dame Judi Dench, Dame Maggie Smith, Dame Helen Mirren, Dame Barbara Windsor. Oh, there you go. She was a saucy, wasn't she, back in the day? Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh, wonderful. No doubt, Angela Lansbury. I bet you loved a bit of Lansbury. I bet a 10-year-old Jamie... What is this?...lying on his bed, looking up, probably on his ceiling, a poster of Lansbury. I bet you loved a bit of Lansbury. I bet a 10-year-old Jamie. What is this? Lying on his bed, looking up, probably on his ceiling, a poster of Lansbury. Joan Collins, obviously. Is she a dame?

God, they're just giving them out. That's so rude. Dame Olivia de Havilland. Don't know who that is. I guess she owned the planes. She was very, very... She was in, like, Gone With The Wind and stuff. She was 104 when she died, bloody hell.

104, a bit of Jamie. Penelope Keith Jamie Penelope Keith Penelope Keith Right we need to stop this list Olivia Newton-John I could go on June Winfield This

Patricia Rootledge Who was in Keeping Up Appearances Which I love Well guys this has been fun But we all know that I had that Britney Spears post from my wall So Dame Britney

Any day now You two would totally lobby for that What are you talking about To jump from those women to Britney. It's a gear change, isn't it? Life size it was as well. Did you press yourself up against the door? Because she was like, it was sort of the right height.

It was quite life size it was. Okay, anyway. So they continued where they left off. There's no shame in a dream. Just like we are going to continue where we left off. There's no shame in a dame. That's his motto. The thing is, this is the least

joke of a joke we've ever done. I only sleep with women with titles, is that what you're saying? A bit like Belinda. As they continue where they left off, the threesome made hay. Unlike in business, friendships or spy endeavours, Belinda began to leak. Huh? Leak?

Unlike in business, friendships, or spy endeavours. Oh, she doesn't, like, give away information. Oh. But she's leaking either bodily fluids or information. Well, in the cave, she does give stuff away all the time. Oh, yeah. She just blabs to anyone who listens. Unlike in business, friendships, or spy endeavours,

Belinda began to leak from downstairs, below deck, the netherworld. The netherworld. Stranger things. Mr. Hushman lay on his quite small back for a big fella. What? His tiny back? How can you be a big fella and have a tiny back?

That's a really interesting image, isn't it? A big lad with a tiny back. He'd have to be like really pulled in and like... Of all the bodily parts, like the back does tend to be proportionate. His mouth opened like a clockwork toy. How unfortunate. And tongue lagging,

he took in every drop of Belinda's dripping pussy. Tongue-lagging, so falling behind the opening. So choking him, really. Yeah, choking him, really. What a strange man. Not asking for Tuesday, the background goon snuffled... Sorry.

He just gave each other a very stern look. Do you not allow us to at least look at each other for not asking for Tuesday? For support, no? Not even for a little bit of solidarity? Just to try and understand that phrase.

Is it mundane? He's like, I just don't want this to end. Does Tuesday never come? Possibly. No, nothing. Not asking for Tuesday, the background goon

snuffled and snaffled Belinda's accoutrement until her pubes were wet and her clit was dry. Oh, wow. Something just came up, actually. It's wet. I can deal with a lot of things.

Wet hair. Wet pubes. Yeah, that gets me. Like a matting or like a soaking of pubes or like anything that's sort of like sticky pubes. I just... So her pubes were wet, but her clit was dry. Oh. So her pubes were wet, but her clit was dry.

Oh. Belinda, in full throng without a thong, looked over to the lovely creature who had joined their union only moments before. With a sexy shimmy, the masked woman sexually unfastened Squeaky's tail from his mouse outfit. He's still dressed as a mouse. Belinda had heard of screwing, but unscrewing seemed odd at a sex dungeon garden party. Great gag. Great gag. Sometimes she's underappreciated, actually. If only she'd say some of this out loud. People might think she was funny. People can't laugh at you, Belinda, if you will just think it. What are you playing at? He's close, Belinda demanded, pumping the

background goon's boner with all her might, like a stiff butter churner of yesteryear. Okay, number one, shout out to the butter churners. Number two, the unscrewing of the tail shouldn't necessarily distract him from the blouser or handjob or whatever's going on. The lady friend said not a word. Sprich, Frau, Belinda screamed.

Oh, that was Belinda. I thought that was Mr. Hushman. Has Mr. Hushman spoke ever? Yeah, he had a really high-pitched voice. Oh, yes, of course. I can't forget. Wait, could the tail be something? Could it be some kind of... Sword? Weapon? Yeah, well, a weapon or a tool. A knife. A slice knife.

Any of these. A slice knife. So what's Belinda do? She yelled? She said, Sprich, Frau. Speak, woman? No. What's Sprich? Sprich. any of these a slice knife so what's what's Bralinda do she hold she said sprich Frau speak woman no what's sprich sprich yeah speak S-P-R-I-C-H

yes speak speak woman Bralinda screamed worried Mr. Hushman would fire a blank fire a blank well she's not

trying to get pregnant no I want Mr. Hushman's babies I want a hush little baby don't say a word

oh oh she wants a great little goon oh my god goon baby I want Mr. Hushman's babies. I want a hush little baby, don't say a word. Oh. Oh. She wants a great little goon. Oh my God. A goon baby. Are you having a boy or a girl? I'm having a goon. A litter of goons.

Doesn't like the limelight. It's a background goon. Mr. Hushman, the background goon, had felt the shift in weight from the tail being removed from his costume. The blueprint! The blueprints are in the tail being removed from his costume. The blueprint! The blueprints are in the tail! Why?

Why? Why? Oh, well, I'll just put these in my tail for the sex party. What the fuck? Dad! What? If these blueprints are on normal paper, I'm going to freak out.

They're not still intact. They've been all over the fucking shop. The blueprints! He squealed. They've been all over the fucking shop. He squealed as his eyes rolled from the back of his head to rejoin the scene. Oh, so stupid. How does the secret woman with the smelly pussy or whatever she's called, how does she know that they're in the tent? Smelly pussy.

Oh, my God. What is it? Tasty crotch? What is it? I think it was tasty not smelly. Oh, well, like scented or whatever. So wait, but how does the woman with the tasty minge know that it's in the tale? I don't know. And who is she? And what?

I don't know. Belinda twigged just in time to see the mystery woman oh just in time to see the mystery woman slipping something small into her vag what she's pulled the blueprints out of the tail and stuck them inside her Belinda blinked

I also loved Belinda twigged when he said the blueprints wait a minute is she listening to the narrator Belinda blinked. I also loved Belinda twinked when he said the blueprints. Wait a minute. Is she listening to the narrator? So just some info for you guys. Yeah. She's got a completely dry vagina.

She's got a completely wet outer area. Cubic area, yeah. She's now going to insert what we presume, like blueprints. Think about an architect's table. Yeah. They're about what? Four feet long? Yeah. So if you look at this table now, to insert what we presume like blueprints think about um an architect's table they're yeah they're about what four feet long yeah yeah so if you look at this table now it's sort of like a roll of wallpaper isn't it so she's somehow taken that out and we presume what origami'd it into a capsule that can go inside her possibly could you put a rolled up poster of say one of your favorite dames could could you imagine that rolled up poster of say one of your favourite dames could you imagine

that you could pop that inside you depends which dame in any of your orifices Maggie Smith she's very tall and thin what a bizarre line of questions honestly

weirdest episode we've ever had. I think it is. Good luck with the edit. Oh, this isn't making it in. They must be the blueprints, she told herself. Oh my God.

That's theft. It's interesting, wasn't it? Where are your tools when you need them? Orgasm be damned, Mr. Hushman, the background goon,

lunged at their female playmate. He wrestled with her on the floor and Belinda was getting more turned on the sweatier their writhing bodies got. Yeah, but he's just a big mouse. With a very small back. With no tail. So what is he now, like a vole?

What has no tail? He's a vole. But her pleasure was cut short when the woman wriggled free and climbed onto one of the dildo adorned wall installations. Oh, like a climbing wall. There's just loads of dildos. Quite cool, actually. That's a great idea.

Without taking a second to breathe, she jumped from it right onto the goon. Wait, so she's got off him and then jumped back on it? Well, I guess the thing about this mystery woman is we don't know which side she's on or if she's on her own side. So maybe she's helping Belinda. But how would Belinda know until she reveals herself? Well, her poisoned stiletto heel with concertina blade edges slammed deep into his temple and then into his brain cells.

King Cal! Wow! It was temple! This resulted in certain death. Death, yeah. I can imagine, yeah. Certain death! This resulted in a migraine.

And the background... I think he might be dead. And the background goon was relegated to backstage for good. Well, nothing wrong with backstage, eh, Jamie? Jesus Christ, this is our second murder. Well, third, fourth death. George has died.

Slince has died. Slince has died. Spoon has died. Spoon has died. And now Mr. Hushman, the background goon. Yeah. It's quite graphic. But I'm turned on.

Game of Thrones. Belinda Blumenthal gasped the air she needed to breathe as she watched the man exhale his last hush. I think he's probably already done that. It's gone through his brain. How dare you, lady! Drop those blueprints this instant! They are the property of steels, pots and pans.

Doesn't mean anything to anyone Belinda shouted Oh yeah? The assassin said Come and get them then And she disappeared through the huge clam-shaped doors Clam-shaped doors So it's a dildo-adorned cave

Yeah With a clam-shaped door Where couples go to cuddle. My God, we live such a sheltered life. Snapping into spy mode, Belinda followed the goon butcher through the club and down a corridor with the sign, Neu-fer-personal. Neu-fer-personal. N-U-R-F-U with two dots above it are...

Personal. Not for personnel. So like staff only maybe? Well no, that would be for personnel, wouldn't it? Not for staff. Why would you know that it's not for staff? Not for staff. Not for persons.

Not for people maybe, yeah, okay. Not for people. This was a strange hall of smoke and mirrors. Oh for God's sake. And as Belinda coughed and reflected her way through the maze of horrors... Now it's horrors. Also, coughing away, like, don't you have to, like, sneak around? She twisted her special retina-sensitive shades.

Oh, this technology is better than the Trioxibrillo, in my opinion. But not as good as the shower radio. See, they spoke. Senor Zip, thank goodness you're still up. Oh, I'm still up, Belinda. And so is my big fat cock. Oh my God, not now, not now. I've already come twice and I'm not done.

Oh, thanks, Senor Zip. For a perv, you're very kind. Aren't we in pursuit? Yeah. Did you like the bit where I spread her legs like Riet de Canard on a soft brioche bun? Canard is duck, is it? It's like a duck pate, Riet. Riet is like a, yeah, thick cut pate.

She's throwing up. Her fanny was moist, wasn't it? she's throwing up her fanny was moist wasn't it her juices dribbled down her leg like the fat when you leave

the pate in the sunshine all afternoon oh yummy yummy yummy it's a bit like cat food like posh cat food it is nice

we have it when we're on holiday not what yeah but not with this analogy no it's disgusting now I'm just saying I mean I didn't think

it was possible to be pushed even gayer than I was but I'm feeling like and I feel like even more vegetarian than I am so question

this is Belinda talking or this is the mystery woman talking this is Belinda she's on the phone to well on the shades to send you

she's on the shades so I'm on my shades shh can't you see mum's on her shades but where is he because he's like I want to fuck you

well I guess he's been watching because of her shades, maybe. I assume that's why she called him a pervert. So why didn't they? So that's really helpful that she's got her top secret shades on and that he's watching. Didn't help when they murdered the goon. Maybe jump in then. Well, he'd already come twice. It's maybe he was coming and missed it.

I love also she's in the middle of quite an important operation and she's like, are you up? He should be like at the control desk kind of managing things. I love also she's in the middle of quite an important operation and she's like, are you up? You should be like at the control desk kind of managing things. And isn't the beauty of wearing the shades that you don't need to stop and make a phone call. You can be chasing them and still talk to them. And they'll give you the information. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just then, Belinda remembered she wasn't working a sex line.

Oh, fuck. I called you for a reason. I'm a hushman down and pursuing the figure who sent him sleeping with the fishes. She has the blueprints. Send backup and help. Stat. I am a gadget man, Belinda.

A gadget man. For help-related requests, you need to contact Kathleen. Is this a voicemail? You need to contact Kathleen. Press one if you want to. Kathleen in customer support. You need to contact Kathleen Oppenhammer in backup

request department. No. Just put her through. Department. So what, is she going to redial her shades for Kathleen Oppenhammer? Have you gone zippy zip? Send help now. She threw her specks to the ground

and continued her pursuit and made haste. Why would you throw the specks to the ground and continued her pursuit and made haste. Why would you throw the specks to the ground? Yeah, keep the box! What are you doing? This woman! Get rid of your communication, Brilliant. If nothing else, they'd probably cost about 50,000 pounds to develop. In 8 minutes 20,

she clattered into a huge empty room. The hit woman was cowering at the back, up against the wall she was scratching to try and climb. She's had an eight-minute head start and she's up against a wall. Catching her breath, Belinda said. It looks like you've reached the end of the line, tart face. Now give the blueprints over. They mean nothing to you.

Well, they clearly do. They clearly do. Why would you murder a man if they didn't mean anything to you? It's not Bish. It's not Bish. It's not Bish. It's not Bish. Bish can't walk up the stairs.

Never mind climb a dildo wall. It's very funny you should say that exact thing right now. Evil cackling echoed through the darkness and Belinda's heart sank straight to her clever toes. A white spotlight illuminated a small man. Why is there a spotlight? He's operating the spotlight. Also, for another time, it illuminated.

Descending from the ceiling on a little stairlift. Why is it fucking Chicago? Why is he like, give them the old razzle dazzle? When he finally reached a safe height to jump off his mode of transport. The ground. He did so. Hair. Bish.

Belinda spat. Belinda Blumenfall. Bish swallowed. I should have known you had something to do with that woman. This woman? Ha! This woman here saved your life, blah, blah, blah! Jesus, please!

Belinda blinked. Yes! Oh, my God. She killed Georgie Sylvester. Oh, there we go. She shot the shark. You really is a thick English hudden. Hundon.

Hundon? Hundon. Hundon. Would you like me to Google? H-U-N-D-I-N. Dog. Hound. Classic hound.

Alice, it's a female dog. It's a bitch. Oh, for God's a bitch he's obsessed you're a thick English bitch I'm a thick English bitch God he's full of compliments isn't he

lest we forget a porno at this point just reminding everyone six years six years later a porno impossible

Belinda shouted with the bravery of Saint Joan seals pots and pans has state of the science security systems developed Belinda shouted with the bravery of St. Joan Steele's Pots and Pans has state of the science security systems developed through my wonderful dinner party

chum Jim Walters at Apollo Security Agency Oh wow, throwback! She could never have gained access through the gates front or back Lovely bit of sort of innuendo there That's not in the book or back. Lovely bit of sort of innuendo there. That's not in the book. Bish Bish laughed his

all so familiar laugh. Can we have a printout please before we start these because you're taking serious liberties. I'm with you James. So he laughed so did the woman by his side. Belinda blinked. Agent XYZ!

Who is? Disappointing. I literally thought of anybody else. Why don't you reveal yourself to a guest? Oh, a double reveal. Fuck.

Belinda blinked. So wait, Agent XYZ is going to peel her skin off. So Agent XYZ, who was Trixie Forward, amongst other things, and a waitress. I think she also played the ground of the forest at one point. And she killed George, Sylvester, and now she killed the Hushman. Bloody hell. Agent XYZ admitted a little...

How's that displayed? H-M-M-M. And you've turned that into a... Okay. Okay. Agent XYZ emitted a little hmm

and slowly I'll stop to son her gimp mask don't be in a puss sorry gimp

I can read it with flourish or just verbatim what would you rather don't be in a puss don't puss me how can you like do it sulkily, like, I peeled off her gimp mask.

Sorry, do go on. However which way you interpret it. Agent XYZ emitted a little hmm and slowly began to unhook her gimp mask with oxygen and nitrous oxide tubes. This is more of a scuba mask. Nitrous oxide. What is that?

I'm imagining like Bane from The Dark Knight Rises. Yeah, me too. Can you just Google it? Because I feel like it is a thing. Like as in... It's like laughing gas. Oh, it is.

It's laughing gas. She's got laughing... No wonder she's... So, Agent XYZ emitted a little... and slowly began to unhook her gimp mask with oxygen and nitrous oxide tubes. Belinda watched in horror as ruby red fire-themed hair fell out of the leather sack. Hi, Belinda. Ruby red. Mae, Belinda. Ruby Red.

Maeve, wave. What the fuck? Maeve! Maeve! Maeve! How did we not think of Maeve? Maeve. Because this isn't a thing.

Like, this wasn't... We didn't know anyone was in Agent XYZ. I'm not into that. Hi, Belinda. Maeve. Wave. Maeve. Maeve.

From Steels. From Reception. From Reception. She knows everything. She knows who comes. She knows who goes. Do you remember way back with the special one? Yeah.

Maeve was being really suspicious. She was shifting your eyes. And a few of us thought that it was going to be her as a special one so maybe sorry what I think didn't she like warn everyone about the bomb as it was going off yeah she made everyone go outside and that's when the bomb went off oh my god Maeve Maeve so when did Maeve arrive at Steelers I think she arrived when Bella got promoted she arrived when Rocky realised he needed a character that would make everything make sense. No, yeah, sorry. When Bella got promoted because she took over on reception.

I mean, reception would be a good place to be if you wanted to know everything about a company. Oh, my Lord. She got really close to Tony. Yeah, she was all up in Tony's will. Aren't they having a bit of a thing? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, she was all up in Tony's will. Aren't they having a bit of a thing? Oh my God. Oh my God.

You turncoat traitor Maeve. How could you? After all we've done for you. Done what? Not include me in your Pinterest sessions? It can't be about that. That's the motive. Not invite me on Giselle's hen do.

You never let me in the glee team. Aren't women stupid? And thank the Norse gods we didn't. Belinda interrupted. This is Rocky's idea of like why a girl would become a murderous accessory to an evil pots and pans magnate because somebody didn't invite them on a hen do or for a chardonnay after work fantastic but having said all that like presumably she was installed as a mole and not has not kind of been groomed once she got within yeah you would think she's been planted there yeah so she's, and thank the Norse gods we didn't.

Being too clever by half makes a person stupid by whole, Maeve. Belinda said. Remember that, won't you? I'll forget almost immediately. Some beautiful phrases coming out of Belinda tonight. Okay. Maeve agreed. If you insist. But I am cleverer, because I got. If you insist.

But I am cleverer, because I got the blueprints. That's true, she did. I mean, it was a really long-winded way of getting them, but she got them in the end. She's not about to take them out of her, is she? You know, when magicians do it out of the sleeve. Flags, scarves. Blueprints.

Bish dribbled at the confirmation of her quest completed. Is this safe? He demanded. In her vagina. Maeve peeled her pussy lids apart and removed a small dildo plug. Popping off the head bit. So she's just removed a dildo. A dildo plug. Popping off the head bit... So she's just removed a dildo? A dildo.

Popping off the head bit, she retrieved a micro-fleece mini-dot. A what? A micro-fleece mini-dot. I assume it's like a memory card or like some sort of... So after all that palaver, it's actually just like a USB stick.

That's what was in the tail. Yeah. She retrieved a micro-fleece mini-dot. This was a commonly used piece of tech to preserve info in a very small way. In such a small way. It's called technology, Raki. In Spyland, it was level one learning

and it held the blueprints as safe as a mouse. A tiny bit of warning, if you would. Bish screamed as Maeve returned the Holy Grail to her furry cup. Finally! I have the tri- I have the bread of slints! Well, you had slints about a

year, a week ago. I would also argue that Steeles has had time to make them. Yeah, this has all been going on since the end of

book three. No, it hasn't. No one's made a fucking pan since then. No one's made a pan. This is my point. Go into the safe

in Scotland, have a little look at the plans. Get the factory back up and running. Yes, it has been three books but it's only been

five days so come on be fair if I were like Teflon I'd be like sliding in the middle and be like

while these two are distracted I'm going to become like the most important pots and pans company in the world and you could slide very well with a Teflon

non-stick you can so Bish is like Finally I have the tri-accipital secret The world of pots and pans is mine Ivan You die Bye bye

Bye bye You can have it mate Have the bloody world of pots and pans bye bye you can have it mate have the bloody world of pots and pans but hang on oh twist if I am to die Belinda says if I am to die

why did Maeve not let George kill me good point why is he poking holes in his own narrative because Did Maeve not let George kill me? Good point. Why is he poking holes in his own narrative? Because you're family. Oh, right. Okay.

Because you're my favourite step-niece. Yes, I am family, Bish. So why do I need to die? Sort of the same question. So, if I am to die, why? You are as stupid as that soak of a mother. She thought... She's a soak, isn't she? She's a drunken hag. She thought giving you this three bee tree

would give you protection from me. But you see... So the mum always knew that Bish would try and kill her. And the mum always knew that Melinda was going to work in pots and pans. She thought giving you this three bee tree or giving you protection from me. But you see, it has led me straight to your piping hooters. It's like Rocky's trying to tie her up with a bow, but he doesn't have any ribbon.

I am number one and must always be so you gotta go he's turned into a sort of like New York gangster hasn't he you're going to sleep with the fishies like from earlier does your throat hurt in game there's a lot of bish in this chapter he's very raw he's a very raw man the nude mave

prowled towards Belinda her deadly shoe in her fist. Uh-oh. Wait, before you kill me like you did my love spooner, please tell... What do you mean love? I don't remember that. Most outrage of the book. Love.

Also, don't just slip it under the radar in a dramatic moment. She's getting sympathy, isn't she? She's like, don't kill me it under the radar in a dramatic moment. She's getting sympathy, isn't she? She's like, don't kill me. I was in love. She's stalling for time like I've never fucking seen. So, wait. Before you kill me like you did my love spooner, please tell me who the third bee is.

It's really been bugging me. Her and literally millions of other people. Yeah. So this is why we went to her mom's house in the hope that we would find out yeah okay here we go you owe me that at least you horrible bish for the love of frig who is a norse god is that frig is that real yeah is frigging a norse tradition hang on a minute i don't know Maybe it is An ancient Norse tradition They just were up there

Frigging each other off Frigg Is the wife of Odin The mother of Baldr Baldr She was a promoter Of marriage and fertility And second base

So You owe me that at least For the love of Frigg Why would I tell you When I can show you? Oh my God. This is actually really, really stringing it out, but actually quite tense.

Also, the production values of this reveal moment has been months in the planning, really. Inside a normal egg is a kinder egg. Inside the kinder egg is a tiny piece of rice. Some microscopic writing says on the rice, look left. As you look left, a bird flies for the tree,

carrying a note. Within the note... Is a micro-fleece mini-dot. I could just imagine the production meeting where Bish is like, so, I need a stand-up stairlift to come down with a spotlight on it.

I need a windowless room where you cannot escape. I need a corridor of mirrors. I need a large, actually extra large, mouse costume. I'd a corridor of mirrors. I need a large, actually extra large mouse costume. I'd like Maeve to be in a costume that reveals quickly to show her true identity.

I'll need 99 canisters of nitrous oxide. I'll obviously need a cupboard for the second person I will reveal later on as we're talking. They will need snacks. They'll be in there quite a while. Is that to calm us down? No, it's in the book.

Sorry. It's not like when you click a thing for a dog. It really worked. I stopped. Bish clapped three times and clicked his finger splinters. They are probably splinters, aren't they? A lovely wooden standard lamp with a flowery William Morris-inspired lampshade suddenly switched on.

This is what I mean, this production. It lit up a beautiful leather-topped desk. Leather-topped desk. And Belinda blinked. A man was sat at it, his back to the group. So beautifully choreographed. This is an excellent play. To vizzle, boy.

Let's bear in mind, this is scripted. The figure turned round on his swivel office chair. Face down on the chair. Face down. Oh, right, sorry. Oh, sort of looking to his laugh. Head down, yeah. Not face down, head down, cool.

Face down. Different. He slowly removed his toupee. Oh my God. There, on his balding head, sat a beautiful tattoo. He's had it done on his fucking skull. Shimmering in the harsh lighting rig. Rig.

I thought it was a lovely wooden standard lamp. I thought it was a single bulb. Shimmering in the harsh lighting rig, B, B. B, yeah. B. We know. The face looked up and directly into both of Belinda's eyes. Oh.

Dr. Robbins. Shut up. Eh? What? Said nothing. Dr. Robbins Shut up said nothing He just whistled his silly little laugh as he rocked from east to west Dr. Motherfucking Robbins Belinda blinked

What? With his scissors and with Helga in a hat Is that Dr. Robbins? Well that's the end of the chapter. Fucking hell. That means that Dr. Robbins is related to Belinda then. Why? In some way.

Oh, because he's the third B. But did they fuck? Oh, dear God. Oh, my God. Although maybe they aren't related, actually. It's only Bish that said it's family. And Bish isn't even blood related, is he? Wait, what was the Robin scenario?

Helga's making a mayo in the shed, in the little bit. On the desk. And he had the scary scissors. The scissors. And they definitely did stir. Two bits, didn't they? Maybe we should all go back and listen to that episode this week, because it's clearly going to be important in the coming weeks. Yeah.

Shit, they're bad. I mean, never has so much clarity created so much confusion like Maeve does make I mean you know in Rocky World

not total sense but does make a lot of sense and Tony really needs to sort out who he finds attractive because that's two undercover

agents now with Giselle and Maeve oh yeah he clearly is a terrible judge he's got a type a bit like me with my dames

he's definitely got a type i honestly there were points in this episode genuine suspense yeah but then he just kept building the suspense but alice to be too clever by half makes you stupid by whole i think i was just exhausted by the end you could have said anybody okay so next episode we've been waiting all this time. I was like, don't give a shit. So next chapter, penultimate chapter, we presume all will be revealed. I mean, this feels like this is now coming to an end.

It has to be, surely. And hopefully we'll get some... Sex? There's a lot of answers coming our way. Oh, sorry, your answers, yeah. Oh, I don't want sex. James, it must be coming to an end. No more lives can be lost.

It's an absolute bloodbath. Well, you know with Game of Thrones, when they had answers, yeah. Oh, I don't want sex. James, it must be coming to an end. No more lives can be lost. It's an absolute bloodbath. Well, you know with Game of Thrones, when they had 10-episode series, episode nine was always the big one of the series. Oh, really? And that ended so well. So, can't wait. Yeah, I mean, it is a huge moment.

Well, you have to come back next week. You can't not come back next week. If you've ever thought about dropping out, I mean, this is just not the point to do it. Just throw good money after bad, for God's sake. Actually, are we having a listening party to wrap it up? Alice, thank God. That totally slipped my mind.

Yes, we are. When do you want to do it? So not next week, the week after? Yes. We love a listening party. So we thought it'd be lovely to do one for the finale, regardless of what... We planned it before we knew what was going to happen, but thought it'd be lovely to do one for the finale, regardless of what... We planned it before we knew what was going to happen,

but actually it could be quite good. So, yeah, get your friends involved. We'll get on Twitter. We'll use the hashtag Pornoday. We'll all press play at 8pm British Summer Time. UK time. UK time. Yeah, that's easier.

Belinda beers are still on sale if you want to have a little tip for it. Oh, yeah, if you want to... People usually make amazing spreads. So, yeah, you can get your Belinda beers from alphabetbrewing.co.uk, that's easier. Belinda beers are still on sale if you want to have a little tip for it. if you want to, people usually make amazing spreads. So yeah, you could get your Belinda beers from alphabetbrewing.co.uk and then...

Let's have a party. Let's have a bloody party. Maybe we'll do an Instagram live before. Who knows? Oh yeah, let's do that. That was fun. Yeah, that was fun. And yeah,

it was really, really interesting this episode to do send all of your thoughts on social media, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, you name it.

Yeah, we love to hear your reactions. And you also kind of, more often than not, help us fill in the gaps because, Facebook, you name it. Yeah, we love to hear your reactions. And you also kind of more often than not help us fill in the gaps because frankly, we're useless. Yeah, you'll all be screaming at us why this Dr. Robin thing makes sense, but we've got to wait till next week. I rely on the emails so heavily. So see you next week if I have a voice left

because that really did kill me.