My Dad Wrote A Porno - The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part Five

Episode Date: November 20, 2023

Jamie, Alice and James choose their favourite moments from the 'Porno' archive. This time, it's a starry line-up as they gang look back at their favourite Footnotes guests featuring Dame Emma Thompson, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Dan Levy, Michael Sheen, Nicholas Hoult, Hayley Atwell, Jessie Ware, Elijah Wood, Joe Lycett, Daisy Ridley, Josh Groban, Rachel Bloom, George Ezra, Thomas Middleditch, Stephen Mangan, Ben Barnes and Samara Weaving. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to the best of my dad wrote a porno it's installment five guys installment five is that what you're calling it sounds like episode five sounds like deposits for a house or something tronch it's the fifth one it's the fifth one what do you want from me um and we're talking all about the best of the guests this week the guests and what guests we've had over the years and what experiences with the guests because early doors and maybe this was just sort of the naivety of youth but we used to cook for them and sit and have dinner before they sat and did the podcast they would have a full three course meal and then we'd record with them yeah it was nuts like daisy ridley popping around with

those two bottles of prosecco michael sheen being absolutely famished at your house and then having to rifle in my bag for a half open bag of pop chips to feed him and he brought one bottle of red wine we obviously drank that within five minutes and said to james um can i have another drink and you had nothing in your house there was no why are we ever surprised i'm never in that can't always be your excuse it's takeaways or nothing um emma thompson made us dinner lovely fish pie her husband made didn't he delicious and do you remember when steve mangan came around and we were like can we get you a cab home and he was like no i just had a baby i'm gonna walk i'm gonna take some time i think he even said i'm gonna buy a lion bar he's like i just need this moment of freedom and then some of them weren't even in the country do you remember that insane night out with

nicholas holt oh yeah montreal watch out like such a crazy night it went in so many directions that we went to like a one in the morning kevin hart gig that we went through the kitchen and like nick was like these are my friends they do whatever and he's like okay cool he was very nice he was really nice um yeah some really fun adventures we've had with these guys we've had one recently alice i think me and jamie need to tell you about this because i don't think we've told you yet you've had a guest without No. But we found out someone else listens to the podcast. Oh, yeah. It's a good one.

So we were at the Olivier Awards, which is like a theatre awards show. You two are such darlings of the theatre world. I prefer the term hag. Thank you. So it was at the Royal Albert Hall. And we were just walking to our seats. And then someone passed us, or a group of people passed us. And we just heard someone say, oh, my God, I love your podcast.

So we stopped, turned around, and it was Paul Meskel. Paul Meskel. I nearly fainted. James screamed, I think. It was quite embarrassing. I didn't scream. You were like, oh my God. I said, you're joking.

He's like, I fucking love your podcast. Okay, yeah, you shouted, you're joking. You're right. Why wasn't I there? Because you hate the theatre. That's true. No, because I hate the night time. But if they could do it in the daytime.

Well, it starts at four. I think that would be like perfect. Okay, actually, this is the event for me. This is unbelievable. Paul Mescal. I adore his work. Oh, yeah, total legend. But, you know, we're constantly finding out about people who are porno fans.

You know, even if you haven't outed yourself publicly, it doesn't mean we don't know that you're a little pervert out there. The other day, Josh O'Connor came out of the woodwork as a porno fans you know even if you haven't outed yourself publicly doesn't mean we don't know that you're a little pervert out there the other day Josh O'Connor came out of the woodwork as a porno fan from The Crown

love him yeah The Crown and of course Lupita Nyong'o no I'm sorry I'm cutting you off because actually she posted on Instagram

yes family no it was okay this is frankly a conspiracy theory now it makes QAnon look mainstream you've gone down a rabbit hole

and I don't know if we'll ever get you back okay they're litigious in America but yes we've had amazing It makes QAnon look mainstream. You've gone down a rabbit hole and I don't know if we'll ever get you back, okay? They're litigious in America. But yes, we've had amazing, amazing people that have decided to, you know, kind of risk their careers and reputations by appearing on My Dad Wrote a Porno,

particularly in the early years when... Crossing the Rubicon. Yeah, do you remember Daisy Ridley was like, no one knows I'm here. Yeah, she didn't tell Disney, did she? Or her agents or her publicists or anyone. Well, should we cast our minds back and listen to some of the great voices we've had on the show? Absolutely.

Lin-Manuel Miranda. Does Belinda Blink the musical have legs? It has legs, it has a cervix, it has arms. Yeah, I mean, the log line's very simple, right? In the New York Times ad, it's, you know, one woman sleeps and sings her way to the top of the pots and pans industry. Great.

Right? Like, I'm in. Like, I want to see that musical like done yes um it depends on the story i mean i don't even know just so many random people just have sex with it's like what do you focus on what strand do you there's too many yeah i mean i mean this could be fucking nicholas nickleby if we're not careful. It'll be eight hours long. We could have Harry Potter do it over two nights, maybe three nights, maybe four nights.

A week at the theatre. Belinda and the Cursed Child. I mean, there's something pure about the storytelling of we are in the room. I don't know with who. Belinda's interviewing for the job. That is scene one. Scene one, song one. She'll do whatever it takes.

I mean, that's almost the name of the first fucking song do whatever it takes i mean that's almost the name of the first fucking song whatever it takes and that's the i want song that's yeah yeah sets her store unless i mean usually in an opening number you want to set the world so do we set the pots it's a world of secrets it's a world of pots and pans sex lies and teflon faces I don't know yeah and then she would sort of come in and she would have

one of those dramatic entrances where her back is to the audience first and then she kind of turns to them and then we get the entrance applause oh yes who's the musical theatre actress who plays Belinda I'll go to jail

for even suggesting anyone I think I actually have one Laura Benanti I think would be a good oh she's so good oh she's so good yeah she's really funny too yes yeah she could have that like alexander hamilton moment just says her name right pots and pans and pots and pans and then the crowd parts and there's

belinda and it's like a blink oh the blink i mean what's the musical motif of the blink we'll figure these are the problems i deal with um we'll figure it out you know what's the musical motif of the blink? We'll figure... These are the problems I deal with. We'll figure it out. You know, what's the... That's the Surat dot motif. Yes, in Sunday. So what is the blinking motif? Okay.

Right. What do you mean by that? What noise... Yeah, like what is the musical theme that accompanies a blink of surprise of the world is about to change? But there's also so many good visual things about it. The tumbola is a huge... The tumbola. Oh my God. That's a surprise of the world that's about to change. But there's also so many good visual things about it. The tumbola is a huge good number.

The tumbola. Oh my God. That's a huge, that's like everyone on stage, right? That's the Act One closer. That's big. And then the Duchess picks her and then that's the end of Act One. Oh, very good. Meet the Duchess at the end of Act One.

I love it. The wizard will see you now. Yeah, that's great. Plus we don't need too many sets because most of it's in the maze in Book One, right? So we just need a big bush. Oh my God, the maze. I forgot all about the maze. So much has happened.

So much. Well, it feels like we're talking about book one then. I mean, we can't fit it all in. There's just no way. Dame Emma Thompson. Now, you not only have an Oscar for acting, you also have one for writing. So as an expert, is my dad any good?

What a face. Oh, um, look. Hands over eyes for the listeners. We have to go, sorry. You know what, yeah. You're selling out the Albert Hall. I think we can safely say he's a fucking genius. I mean, he is.

Come on. How else have we got here? It's a good point, actually. We don't give him enough credit, I don't think. I don't think you do. No. It's a certain style. It is.

It's a very specific kind of subsect of writing. Indeed. But he's owned it, very much so. Oh, God, he has. He has. It's the regional sales aspect of it all. he's owned it very much so god he has he has it's the regional sales aspect of it all that just it's as though do you remember that film the fly with jeff goldblum when there were those two pods and there was jeff and a fly and they got mixed up so it's as though they're

sort of a jackie collins and like motoring for beginners or you know they were in those pods and they just got whammed together and and that's what came out like a freak a freak scientific yeah an experiment sort of thing where various different writing styles got just churned up into like a horrible frankenstein's monster yeah yeah he did zero research he's never read an erotic novel um and i don't think it shows at all i think he's really done well i don't think it shows at all. I think he's really done well. I don't think he needed to. No. I think it would have really curtailed his creativity.

I do too. I think there's just something, he's just extrapolated in the most extraordinary way. And I mean, all power to him, really. Yeah. There's a huge sort of generosity to it. Sure. It's incredibly charitable.

Let's unpackage that. Well but i think there is a generosity i met your dad and he's a generous soul he's got three daughters with himself you know he is and my mum's a absolute amazing firecracker of a feminist as raises all the great feminists not sure where my dad kind of fits into that but actually oddly, oddly, I think his books are quite feminist. Yeah, you're right. Absolutely. He is one of the great feminist writers of our time. Yes. You know, from Beauvoir to Rocky. Yeah, there you go.

It's literally one tiny little... Don't, Emma. Tiny little... It's barely a step. It's a shuffle. It's just a shuffle. He's basically a Bronte sister. He really is.

What I worry now is that's going to be in his email signature. Emma Thompson, the greatest feminist author of our time rocky flintstone is a feminist icon nicholas holt we are going on giselle's hen do next episode not excited on a hen do once what you went on a hen do well no this is You went on a hen do? Well, no, this is, I don't know if I should get into this story. I feel like it's... It was a bit of a weird one

where I was in LA and I got a phone call from a friend and they were like, what are you doing? And this was when I was 19. I was literally sitting in my hotel room

reading scripts and they were like, I'm going out with a few friends if you want to join. And I was like, okay. And they said meet at the Saddle Ranch. You know the Saddle Ranch

on Sunset? Oh yeah, we know it well like a texan cowboy themed bar with like a mechanical ball it's the lazy pea ranch really i walked in i was like and then and then i looked and there was a table with a hendo cock paraphernalia everywhere and i looked and i was like oh that's the group i'm meeting all these women all like mid-20s to mid-30s and i was 19 I was like oh boy I walked over and then I won't go into the full story but I was basically meat oh right hang on come on it was not what I expected hens are wild yeah they go absolutely crazy yeah what do you mean you were

meat well I was like the only guy there I was also 19 years old and it was just like a novelty for them wasn't it were you torn limb from limb point where they touched you use the doll to identify the area anyway wait okay

it's a story for another time how many people did you kiss that night no I was actually very well behaved why did you just put your hand in the air like that

excuse me sir it was like it was like I was in court your honour no I was I was very well behaved okay no you weren't no you It was like I was in court. Your honour. No, I was very well behaved. Okay. No, you weren't. No, you so weren't.

I was. Well, then why... I shouldn't go into the story. Exactly. Why can't you go into the story if you're so well behaved? Because all these people still exist and are all alive.

Alive? I would hope so. What kind of crazy... It's only been, yeah, eight years. Okay, one more question. Okay. And then I'll leave it alone.

All right. Were you fully clothed for the whole evening uh pretty much there wasn't i'll give you i'll give you this i'll give you this i'll give you this there was a moment when we got in a car and we were traveling somewhere else and i was like pinned down and people were eating salt off of me not down there. Yeah, not down there. Not down there. From where? Your armpits? From my nipples. Oh, no. What are you talking about? I should never have come on here.

Wait, eating salt. Do you mean like because of shots, like tequila shots? Well, there weren't any shots in the car, so I'm not sure. Just all these dehydrated women like... I don't know what to tell you. I really don't. Dan Levy. Obviously, there's been a lot of talk about the movie version of Belinda Blink.

So this is your opportunity. Get on your knees, start begging. Who would you like to play? If nothing, then just a physical descriptor. I guess Thick Brim Glasses. Oh! As soon a physical descriptor, I guess, thick-rimmed glasses. Oh! As soon as that descriptor came up, I was like, well, this is me. And then I guess it was a very flattering depiction of my body, if that were the case. Thick-rimmed by name, thick-rimmed by nature, Dan. Exactly. My question to you is,

when is this movie actually happening? Well is the question i mean we are having you know spielberg's interest cameron's interested he said after avatar he's gonna do belinda blink james and diaz that is you have a cast of actors that would you would have funding for this movie in a heartbeat so we'll talk after this is all done but i really want to help this get made but who would write the screenplay like rocky would have to adapt his own book to the screen like el james did i guess with 50 shades and that worked so well so yeah history can just repeat itself right how about this though i'm throwing something out there i feel like rocky and david lyn Oh, yeah. Writing something together. I feel like David Lynch's films exist in that strange space of like, what is happening?

What did I just look at? It would be artful if we like brought in a David Lynch type figure to really help. How do I describe this? Refine maybe some of the rougher edges of Rocky's writing and really sort of raise the bar in terms of what we could actually do or stay with it. I would just love to be a fly on the wall in that room where Rocky and David Lynch are brainstorming. Yeah. That's the documentary that's sort of supplementary content for all of this. Oh my God. David Lynch is like, Rocky, we need to be more mainstream. Has there been sort of a common actress

that people have pitched for Belinda that is sort of at the forefront of our casting search? That's the one role we really struggle with. No one wants to play Belinda. I don't know why. I will say this. The characters' faces from the artwork on the books, at least from the ones that you can purchase in America,

it is, I'm not going to lie, there's a lot of people in Los Angeles that look like those characters. You can find many Belindas in the city of Los Angeles, not so shockingly Daisy Ridley I know who I'd want to be go on I'd want to be

the Duchess in prosthetics oh nice I can't actually remember what it is they do together and now I feel creepy seriously you may want to read

I just feel like it would really push my acting ability oh my gosh it would be a challenge for you you need want to rethink that. I just felt like it would really push my acting ability. Oh my gosh. It would be a challenge for you. Yeah. You need a backstory for that one, I tell you. Absolutely.

You just want to wear a Panama hat, don't you? Absolutely. And have a riding crop. Yeah. Doesn't something happen on a horse box? Yes. Yeah. That's how she transports Belinda around, apparently.

Oh, yeah. She can't ride up front. Was that a bad choice? I mean, not if you like big black dildos. Sorry, mum. Sorry, Louise. Really sorry. Louise is loving it. Also, I feel like the Duchess was actually pretty important in the first book.

Oh, yeah. I think the Duchess informed some of Belinda's choices. Yeah. And it led Belinda to where she is today. Kind of a mentor figure for Belinda, I think. Absolutely. Yeah. Can you give us your Duchess voice?

Because obviously you'll have to play it a bit older. Oh my God, I can't. This could be your Oscar role. I mean, I didn't want to say. But the transformation. Exactly. The commitment. You know what?

Yeah. I mean, a literary adaptation. It ticks all the boxes. Absolutely. Do you know what I mean? Absolutely. You're so transparent. That's what this is all about.

All I want is an Oscar right now. And I thought, you know the way to get it? The Duchess. Michael Sheen. Talking of the classics. Yeah. I think there is an argument to be made that there are similarities between um your father's work and hamlet hear me out i'm just gonna let you speak what a deep breath that was

uh so there have been some great works of literature uh theatrical literature such as hamlet such as look back in anger by john osborne that were written in a in a rush in a feverish rush right okay john osborne apparently wrote look that were written in a rush, in a feverish rush. Right. John Osborne apparently wrote Low Pack and Anger in a week. It just poured out. Hamlet, I believe, Shakespeare wrote in a kind of a frenzy. And it's almost like they put so much into it so quickly that they're not in control of what goes in there.

So people have talked about Hamlet. T.S. Eliot, the famous poet, once criticised Hamlet as being certainly a failure of a play because technically it doesn't hold together. The timelines are all messed up. Does that ring a bell? Things seem to take much longer than they actually do in real time or shorter. You're never quite sure of the geography of any way. It's all a bit like a dream.

Does that ring a bell? Does that ring a bell? Does that ring a bell? Oh, my God. And there are certain moments in it where you question the reality of what's going on, even. So I would like to say that I think, you know, Rocky does write these very quickly, we know. People tend to underestimate the power of the work. But I believe great pieces of literature have been written in this way. Have you just compared Rocky to Shakespeare? Yes, I have. Wow.

But James, both pieces have got iconic lines, to be or not to be and the flesh of mankind. The flesh of mankind. Oh, what a piece of work is man and the flesh of mankind. I mean, it could be, if you said to someone where does the flesh of mankind come from? I bet one out of three would say

Hamlet. That's got a taste of Hamlet. I don't want to walk into museums in years to come and like the flesh of mankind is written on the wall in like italic writing. This is my greatest fear, that actually it's a genuine piece of literature, a milestone of the medium.

I'm terrified. If Federico Fellini, the great Italian master filmmaker was still alive he would do such an extraordinary job of this film do you know what eight and a half

is similar yeah Michael you have to stop I can't I can't stop it's like a cross between Fellini

and Lynch with you're only encouraging him with some Lindsay Anderson thrown in I can't stop it's just delicious.

George Ezra. What did you think of the love eggs, by the way? Did you know? That was an education to me. I didn't really know what they were. No. I knew about them. Oh, did you?

Yeah, of course you did. Not from first-hand experience, but I remember... Don't say first-hand. Second-hand experience, but I remember... Don't say first-hand. Second-hand works. Second-hand works! He knows it from first-ass experience. But I've heard... I remember there being a conversation on tour

which started a lot sweeter, which is you can buy a pillow if you've got a loved one that when you buy two and you travel with it and when you put your head on yours, theirs lights up so they know you're in bed which i thought was really cute but then everyone's like yeah but you could just put bricks on it and be like been a great gig just off to bed but then it got onto the conversation of someone said you can get knickers that do the same they're underwear that your partner can

control from the other side of the world which was what that kind of i think i think and then it got onto the love egg so when you say control i think they vibrate i think there's like some kind of yeah start walking you to this shop i said I want lasagna it's like the rum trousers what I mean is with all these things I'm just like firstly how long are you away from home for that it's like wear the love eggs that I can control get a half dozen love eggs

and I'm away for another week anyone want a love omelette oh my god how do you like hayley atwell jamie was in a childhood band and he wrote a very moving song called masks and one of the one of the incredible lines in it is masks, hiding personalities, masks, hiding feelings too. Masks, hiding away all your pain. Personalities, hiding away. Wow, that's really deep.

It was. I was a very, very traumatised child. How have we never talked about that? How old were you? Oh, like 10. 27. I have an image of you in your bedroom with your back to the door as your dad like passing it, opening it,

seeing the back of you on like a keyboard having like a... Yeah, demo mode. Reset demo mode. And you talking about hiding away my pain in the mask. It was me and my sister. What was your band called? Yeah, what were they? We were called...

Well, there were two names. I thought that We were called, well, there are two names. I thought that we were called The Universe, but my sister says that we were called Two for Two, which I don't think we were, but that's what she calls us. Universe. That's quite good. That reminds me of a DT project that I had to do when I was 14. Design technology for the international listeners.

And you had to be, that was right, you had to do a package uh as a music producer and so you had to come up with a label name but i click i i called my my music label universe and the tagline was uni is in one verse song universe there is only one song there is only one universe there is only one song what a great record label we have one song we're gonna take over the world guys so we recorded a song and i still remember some of the lyrics today it was called um i don't want to go to school today and it goes I don't want to go to school today because I love you boy

but I can't pretend that you don't belong to my best friend I don't want to go to school today and you know why baby oh my god that was great wow there is only one song I remember like oh god here we go

don't know what I'm supposed to do don't oh god here we go don't know what I'm supposed to do don't know where I should go it's true I've been avoiding coming face to face with my emotions

coming face to face with you I don't want to go to school today that's good I'm loving it I love you boy

but I can't pretend that you don't belong to my best friend that's my favourite bit that's my favourite bit yeah but again pretend that bit

yeah oh and then what's that bit where it all drops we don't know the song so no I mean like when you write a song

what's that bit where you just go the bridge and it goes wait hang on what's the bit where and I hope and pray one day

it'll be alright It'll be alright It'll be alright Everything changed when you first kissed me Everything's upside down Now I can't face her face in the classroom But tonight pray you'll come around Oh my god I think we could make the whole song out of all that

Our listeners are really creative so anyone who wants to go and make that into an actual song there might be copyright issues joe lysett my main concern though is that the duchess in the book her favorite accessory is a large black dildo that she keeps in a zinc line case yeah that's about right I've got an office in Birmingham and I've been annoying them the neighbors recently because I've got a dildo that I bought for a joke and that's my story and I won't air from it but it's got a suction pad on the bottom as dildos often have these days so that you can attach it to a surface and then sit on it um and the in my office i've got a lot of glass and i've devised a game which is to see if you can throw the dildo and it affixes

and you have to sort of grab it from the tip from the bell end and then throw it in a sort of swooping motion so that it spins and lands on the suction bit and i have urban welly wanging do you know that one where like country fates you just throw a wellington boot but this is a little bit more yeah yeah it's like a source version of that oh yeah it's taking me ages i have i've had a couple of sort of friends in the office for various reasons recently and we've been playing throw the dildo and actually at one point nearly went out of an open window into the courtyard where old frank was taking his morning stroll constitutional so um so i've been annoying the neighbors because it bangs quite heavily it's not a light dildo you know i'm not going to shell out for a dildo there isn't at

least three stone um i mean if you went round somebody's house or apartment or flat to have sex with them, and they threw a dildo against a window and it stuck immediately. Wouldn't it smash? It's three stone. I think that'd get me going. I'd be like, yeah, smashing. Thomas Middleditch. I was recently in England. At one point, we went up to York, and every night there was some crazy hen party with just, like, women who had so much fake tanner on and the most mascara. All at the same time. It's like, get that eyeliner thick and make sure your skin is orange, like Trump style.

We haven't met Thomas, but you've just described me. Thank you. orange like trump style we haven't met thomas but you've just described me thank you yeah but i kind of think her uh belinda as her like that's the kind of image i have of just someone clomping around on high heels like fucking up their ankles on the cobblestone being like oh which ball are we going to next proper essex girl yeah yeah come on you know

oh my god that's so Belinda you can see the top of her breast but then also her gut like that's the curvature I really do think

those drawings on your Instagram were perfect that is so Belinda just like this poorly body with her hair and she's just like

gung ho like smiling when they got auctioned off which was like it was after the maze right body with her hair. And she's just like gung-ho, like smiling. Ha ha! Oh, when they got auctioned off, which was like, it was after the maze, right? Like she just brought in, covered in like jizz, signs, and mud. Like ancient runes. Ancient like witch runes. Like, what? And she's just like a total mess.

And she's like, oh, I wonder who's going to get auctioned off. And it's like, no, Belinda, you from the get-go. Of course it's you. You mess. And then she gets auctioned off at a crowd of people who have their business with their wives there. And their wives are just sat around on those chairs. Yeah. Like, Doug, don't vote.

Oh, come on. It's a company retreat. You're supposed to. It's for charity, don't vote. Oh, come on, it's a company retreat. You're supposed to. It's for charity, baby. Okay. And then Doug disappears for 12 hours and comes back red raw. Doug, put your hand down. You're not voting.

Oh, Doug is gutted that he didn't get Giselle. Bold Giselle. Yeah. Oh, the motley crew of adventurers. Rachel Bloom. I think Belinda Blink takes place in the future. Oh. And I think it takes place in a world,

or it's an alternate universe, but I think it takes place in the future and it's an alternate universe but I think it takes place in the future in the world in which sex is now like everyone's fucking all the time and everyone's just kind of cool with it and it's kind of illicit but kind of not but then there's another layer so so this if we're saying it takes place in like the near future where I love how much thought you put into this right yeah rachel are you okay um that's really debatable no but i was thinking about it because i was trying to think about what's so funny about because erotica is ridiculous like erotica it's it's really a lot of it is so ridiculous and i was trying to think about what makes belinda blink like more ridiculous and i think's this, that like there are no rules. Like it's like these are the rules of the world we live in. It's just kind of like everyone's always fucking. So then I thought

about it even more. And I was like, ah, Belinda Blink. That's interesting. And OK, what if it's not just a random title? Because it's like throughout the book, like Belinda blink. What if in the future in this world, everyone has like a computer chip in their brain. Bear with me. And when Belinda, when Belinda blinks,

she's taking a snapshot of this specific moment. And then wait, wait, sending me snapshots back to the past to your dad to write Belinda Blum. Oh my God. So you think that Belinda Blumenthal actually exists in the future as a real person?

I mean, do I think it? I don't know. Or do I know it? Or do I know it? Here's what I'll say is that your dad suddenly just out of the blue decided to write it. Like, had he ever written before? No, he hadn't.

It's very fishy. I think you're right. You're onto something here. Very fishy, right? And he has such a specific view of, like, who she is, what she looks like, and he's literally never written in his life. All I'm saying is maybe it's the future trying to warn us about a potential uh sex dystopia you've absolutely

thought about this more than my dad ever has thought about it is what i would say ben barnes i brought Rocky something, a gift It's not actually from me But you're not the only one We're in a similar-ish sort of position If you see this book here A Woman's Guide to Loving Sex But it's by Trisha Barnes

No Oh my god This book was published in 1991 When I was 10 years old. I actually can't breathe. Thanks very much, mum. And you can see in the front she wrote, Dear Rocky, I hope Belinda finds love.

Best wishes, Tricia. Oh, Tricia. And she crossed out 15 years experience and put 40 years experience as a sexual and marital counsellor because this book is so old. And she was like, well, I have to change it. I have to update the Bible. Yeah, legend but uh there are some tidbits in here which i feel a are very helpful for rocky but also some quite good advice for belinda and i

remembered this when you guys texted me joking what do you read as the blurb yeah a woman's guide to loving sex is the book every woman will want to read, companion to a major video setting new standards in this controversial field. A major video? VHS. It was a VHS. I saw it when I was 11. A vet. Scarred for life.

It is specifically for women and about women examining relationships from the female perspective. And then I remember finding the VHS and like trying to play it. And I remember it being, they're being like, like soft core, like. Reenactments. Reenactments. But then it would suddenly cut to my mum to play it. And I remember it being, they're being like, like soft core, like reenactments, but then it would suddenly cut to my mum talking about it. Even at 10 or 11, I was like, turn it off,

turn it off. Josh Groban. Are you inspired to write a song? I mean, have you, when you've been listening, have you been thinking, oh,

pots and pans, or there's something in the kind of business sphere, wow, and you just grab a pan and... Blinking! Belinda's always blinking! Okay, blinking's done. Write that down, Alice. Yeah, but that's not an opener. That's like deep into the second act. Okay.

I feel like in retrospect it's the sad melancholy retrospect of the fact that, oh my gosh, what the blinking, what does it all mean? Maybe it's Morse code. That was quite Sondheim-esque. Oh, it was very Sondheim. I was like, oh, it could be quite eyebrow.

I feel like that could be a Chicago-y type one for when she's stripping. Oh, you think? Yeah. Oh, like a big can-can number almost or something like that. Or something from Gypsy. Yeah. The whole brass section working really, really hard. Literally.

What's the I want? There's always an I want song at the beginning, isn't there, that establishes what the main character wants. So it'd be Belinda talking about making some sort of big deal. Travel perks. Getting the travel perks. Right, right. A big bonus.

That's her main motivation, I think. Right. She's not supposed to be noticed. Yeah. She's not supposed to be seen in those busy pubs and restaurants. What's the matter? You make it so much deeper. She just wants a voice. She just wants to be seen.

No! I'm listening and I'm just thinking, yes, yes, yes, it's all very funny. There's a woman screaming for attention here. Can we not see? It is, in fact, a classic tale. I think it is. I think it's a tale as old as time. Right, can we not see? So it is, in fact, a classic tale. I think it is. I think it's a tale

as old as time. Right. Thank you. Really. Has that been used? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just coming to me.

Wait, is it okay? Fine. I don't know where this is coming from. It's got to be a hit. I'm a vessel right now. I'm a vessel. Just go with it.

Did you say story as old as time or was it tale as old as time? Tale. Yes, yes, yes. Brilliant. T-A-I-L.

Okay. It's a sex pun. Do they sell teapots at Steeles? I don't know. We can make it work. We can make it work. Pots and pans, pots and pans. Clink, clink, clink, clink.

We get Stomp to come in and just hit her pans. That's a really great shout. People love that as well. So basically, Belinda Blink to the Musical will be like nude Stomp. We've nailed it. We've nailed it. We've nailed it. We hit it. Oh, man.

We went a little sideways for a minute, but we hit the bullseye. Because the worst thing about stomp is the clothes. Is the lack of nudity. Am I right? I totally agree. And the noise. But we could somehow. They'll still need boots.

Yes. For the stomping and all. But I'm guessing rather than bin lids, it's pan lids. Yeah, it would have to be. Yeah, okay. Wooden spoons. Yeah, for legal reasons, we'll have to change a few things. Okay, so Taylor sold his time, nude stomp.

Yeah, romp. Romp! There you go. This is why he gets paid the big bucks. Come on. Okay. Now I know what to talk about tomorrow on stage. Samara Weaving. on stage samara weaving we have a house in the south coast in uh maruia australia oh nice and it there's not like a big creative studios or anything or you know there's no casting directors

that live there um so i got an audition for 50 Shades of Grey this is like 10 years ago or something to be to be the lead yeah oh okay and so I was in the middle of nowhere and none of my friends were around and it was just me mum and dad and I they were like the deadline is you've got two days so you've got to get this done and I tried doing it like recording the other person's lines on my phone and trying to match the timing but it just wasn't working and I was like, oh, my God, okay, okay, okay. And the scenes were like gossiping about their sex lives. Filthy.

So I asked my mum, I was like, Mum, can you just like, just don't look at me, just don't look at me, just read it. But then she kept like staring at me and she's like what are you doing with your face like what you're like i'm being sexy mother i'm acting she was like you don't need that much lipstick or you know so i like was like oh no no no hey dad um oh no you have to get your dad hey dad can you pause spying for a sec can you just pause spying just for one minute? I just need your help.

And I said the same. I was like, just don't look at me. Just say the line. Like, this is going to, I'm going to need so much therapy for this. But he got so into it. He was like. Because he's a spy. He's a spy.

He was like, tell me everything. And I was, oh. He was like, was he any good? good just like getting so like he became like like sexy little lady character this 50 year old man did he get the part and you didn't yes he plays the cute best friend he's the best friend stephen mangan bear we ask where you listen and when you listen um i listen anywhere really um it's i hate to use the word but it's seeped into every area of my life i have a one-year-old i have a few children my one-year-old i caught myself the other day humming not singing yeah and i thought where have i heard oh no

so yeah it does uh it does permeate that could be damaging could be couldn't it don't sing the monster prick song to you listen i luckily it was without words but um one day does your wife listen no she doesn't she's like where are you going tonight i was like uh some people do a podcast about a born thing that one of their dad has written she's like what Jesse Ware Apparently a turkey slap is a thing. Some people have tweeted us this week. We didn't know that, did we? A turkey slap is slamming. I thought Jesse knows.

Okay, guess what it is. Is it like you just slap somebody around the face with a turkey? Nearly. Nearly? Or on your bottom. You slap someone around the face with your dick oh my god i wanted that reaction on video i also enjoy james going with your dick to jesse well let's get your dick out with jesse's massive schlong isn't that just called a willy slap

a willy slap the words just called that a willy slap? Maybe it isn't your house, love. I've been saying it wrong for years. I was just saying, Sam, don't do a willy slap. I'm sorry, why is it not called

a sausage slap? Yeah. Yeah, why turkey? Why turkey? Yeah, good point. I don't know, but yeah, we got loads of tweets

saying turkey slap. I guess it's kosher for all, surely. Sorry, I just googled turkey slap. the act of lovingly slapping your partner in the face with an erect or semi-erect penis how is that lovingly to i was like catch this i love you so that was a wreck then i think people would prefer a semi-erect because surely it hurts if it's erect. You either get like a broken jaw or with an erect or you may get like that almost whipping effect

with a semi-erect and then that could actually have more of a sting. Oh, like a kind of bounce back. Oh, kind of like a... Yeah. What about like just flaccid? You didn't talk about this shit with my machine. You bring out the worst in us.

Oh, my God. Elijah Wood. We mustn't forget at any point that Jamie's dad wrote this. Yeah. He did actually ask me, because I did tell him that we were talking to you today, and he got very excited. No! Yeah, he said, and him that we were talking to you today, and he got very excited. No! Yeah, he said, and this is a direct quote,

he said, this is such an honour to have him on our show. Please remind him to stand up straight. So I hope you stood up straight, Elijah. What does it mean? God knows. But he also said, he asked a question to you, and he said, do you think, Elijah, that Rocky's future could be as bright as Tolkien's? What do you think?

Ooh. Um, absolutely. Said with such conviction. Wow, pregnant pause. Absolutely. Well, he'll have a different kind of legacy. No less impactful, I think think by indication of how many people listen to this podcast and if that is an indication of the influence that he's had

um and the legacy that he will potentially have then uh it's looking bright for rocky flintstone it certainly is he also asked another question jamie What was the other question? Oh, God. Go on, Jamie. He also asked, were you Bilbo or Frodo? I can't quite remember. Incredible! Oh, that's brilliant. It's quite an impressive roster,

if we may say so ourselves. It's like a bloody Wes Anderson film. Massive cameos all over the place. Go with me on this. The Belinda Blink movie would be an equivalent kind of... Maybe Wes Anderson's the director. Oh, beautiful. I guess the only difference being he works with the same people often time and time again.

And when was the last time you guys heard from... No, I won't. I won't. They're busy people. They're busy people. One thing I realised we never talked about, but it's a great story. And it is guest guest related we get an email a couple of years ago shoehorning in that caveat it is guest related there's a link yeah we get an email from nasa do you remember this oh yeah what does nasa stand

for james the national aeronautics and space administration i actually didn't know that acronym i actually didn't either and i don't really know i asked you sorry what's sad is i know what edad is but i don't know what i don't know what nasa is what is edad every day yeah burnt into the memory so we got an email from nasa we got an email from nasa a few years ago yes that said um they are the kind of mental health support team for their staff. Yeah, behavioural and like morale sort of department, wasn't it? And what it turned out was astronauts on the International Space Station, while they're up there, get two calls to Earth with anyone that they choose.

Yeah. You could be like, Beyonce, I want to talk to... Obama. Obama. Anyone. They do have to answer the phone choose. Yeah. You could be like, Beyonce. I want to talk to... Obama. Obama. Anyone. They do have to answer the phone, though. Yes. And it's supposed to kind of help them connect with Earth.

It's supposed to help with their mental health. It's a bit of a distraction from the daily grind, I suppose, of being in space. You know, that boring life of space. Anyway, turns out one of the astronauts asked to speak to us. Yeah. Because she'd been listening to my dad write porno in space. Like, that, to me, blows my little tiny brain that my dad's pornography has literally gone stratospheric. It's in the universe.

Belinda's flirting with the Milky Way. It's so weird to me. Well, we obviously said yes to a video call. And we were asking NASA if we could have her as a fornoast guest. And guess what? They said no. Which I still think was kind of mean. Well, I think they were worried

we were going to reveal international secrets or something. I don't know what I thought would happen when we logged on, but that first image, we should say, her name's Kayla Barron. She's an incredible woman. Has done so much amazing stuff with NASA, as well as several trips. And has become like a friend.

Like came to our show in Seattle. We hang out, they're in London. Like it's, yeah, she's amazing amazing she's probably our favorite astronaut friend so when it connected she's there in front of the camera and all of her hair is floating all around her obviously of course it is but i just hadn't prepared myself for that it was one of the coolest things i've ever done in my entire life then she floated through the ship and said do you want to see the sun rising over earth who says no to that and we all said oh my god we've timed this so brilliantly i can't believe like this is happening and didn't she say something like well it does

happen sort of 18 times a day yeah was it eight eight times a day i think she said what i loved is like we were there for her mental health and we were just like show us out the window what does that knob do we were just asking all the questions and also, you have an image of NASA, don't you? They're the most technologically advanced company in the world. They literally send people to the moon and to space. This whole thing was conducted on Microsoft Teams. Yeah, crazy. Couldn't have been less lo-fi.

One of the most infuriating bits of technology I think we have. I had to download it. I was like, what the fuck's this shit? So yeah, we spoke to an astronaut on microsoft that's so silly in space i mean it almost feels like we've been to space because when you're talking to them and as you say how like you can see it all you are like this is so incredible that you're communicating with the international space station it was mad we saw her little sleeping bag and she sleeps. It's kind of attached to the wall.

She sleeps sort of stood up almost. Your legs can, if you want, they can just sort of waft. I mean, there is a current that runs through the ship. She told us initially when you get on board, you tend to like put a tool down, forgetting about the zero gravity. And then because there is this current, it's just gone. And like days later, she'd float through the ship and in the middle of the cabin if you like would just be like the spanner or the pen just

floating in midair it's like mad i just i actually just can't get my head around it i still can't really go over the fact that she could have talked to anybody on the planet she chose us three i mean two calls who would yours be oh good question um mike nichols he's dead unfortunately it would be mike nichols but he's he isn't which dame would he talk to me i don't know maybe like bob dylan or someone like that although would he be good chat i don't know it's a hard one that's the thing you want someone you can actually talk to yeah so you'd like biggins biggins the flip side of it as well is you know when you have to schedule a phone call like you know if somebody's on a different time zone or like you know people got busy lives you're like oh we'll talk thursday evening you have to schedule a phone call, like, you know, if somebody's on a different time zone or like, you know, people got busy lives.

You're like, oh, we'll talk Thursday evening. You have to really be in the mood, don't you? So what can you plan to do your big conference call? Then you're like, I'm just not good. Can't be arsed. Can't be arsed. Just want to watch TV. Well, her other one was Brene Brown, I think.

So like, that's way more prestigious than us. Yeah. So I think it's fair to say she's the best guest we nearly got. Yeah. Yeah. Would have made a great episode but c'est la vie it's just so cool

anyway thank you so much for listening and do come back next month because we're doing a special best bits of Christmas oh yay that's going to be juicy

and some unheard stuff as well about presents just to give you a bit of a spoiler there so yeah see you next time