My Dad Wrote A Porno - The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part Seven

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

Jamie, Alice and James choose their favourite moments from the 'Porno' archive as well as playing some exclusive never-before-heard bits. This time, the gang reminisce about the astonishing range, breadth and questionable quality of the voices and accents in 'Belinda Blinked'. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello hello hello it's another year and it's another best of alice james we just couldn't stop doing these people are so into them yeah they seem to be going down really well demand is high we've had a lot of requests for different themes. So we thought, let's give the perverts what they want. It feels like they've been really popular, mainly because it's the only option we've given people. We've given them the option of listening to best ofs. If we'd given them worst ofs, I think they would have flown.

Well, we kind of are doing a worst of today because we're doing accents. Yeah, the voices. People love them. It's interesting because you forget that when we started, I didn't do accents at all. And I actually made a point of saying, I can't do them. The heyday, actually.

And they kind of crept in ever so slightly. Crept like being whacked over the head with a baseball bat. I was going to say, at what point they were in there though. No, but like, it's funny when you look back at season one, there were no accents at all.

It's just, everyone's just got my voice. Yeah, you get more and more extra as it goes along. Yeah, I like Jamie's portrayal of himself. it's like somebody who just really came out of their shell when actually some of these voices you're raring to go and like you know we always make fun like some are better than others but you can't question the range oh boy range of this man i get a lot of tweets now because i do a show where i have to do voices yes and i get a lot of well well well certainly the chickens have come home to roost haven't they i've often tagged in those and i'm

like thank you and mine's not supposed to be comical so i'm actually trying to do yours and yeah you get a lot of praise and a lot of kind of props for the grief james and i gave you i mean this episode is gonna be like a pixar film there's gonna be just so many voices you're like wow god get him his own show yeah this is essentially a cv for jamie isn't it did you know you had this inside you so to speak did you surprise yourself well as a man of the theater james obviously you are taught voice work from a very young age um no not at all i mean i think that's why it was kind of strange because i was quite hesitant to to read at all and then kind of as i grew in confidence and i guess as the show got more listeners i felt emboldened to really bring the books alive because i think you know you could read these books in a quite a boring way or you can really

infuse them with personality and give everyone their own little vibe. Because we've known him for what? Coming up for 20 years? Coming up for 20 years. And before this, never knew all these voices were within him. No, I mean, I obviously knew he was a show-off. That's a given.

You're going home for that. But I never knew that he wanted to do this sort of one-woman show thing, one-man show thing. What's also kind of amazing about it is that he's claiming that this comes from like a kind of classical training background. Were you only there for the projection lesson and then like the rest,

like the kind of character development bit? Well, I was told once, I mean, I don't know if I've ever told this story on the show, but one of the great lessons Val Harris gave me when I was a very small actor, young actor, was I was doing a scene from the life

and death of almost everybody, the play. I'm sure you know it well. Is that one of yours? And the opening line was dust, dust. And then it went on from there. And so I said, dust, dust. And she said,

I'm going to have to stop you, Jamie. In the theatre, we never enunciate the same word the same way. Oh. So she was like, you'd go, dust, dust. Okay. Such stupid advice. And you know what? It's honestly stayed with me all these years.

So it doesn't matter how you say it the second time, as long as it's different. Dust. Dust. Dust. Dust. You know, it works either way. It actually does work every time.

It does, right? So I learned that from Val. And from that point on, I've really kind of honed my voice work. I think this shows a real kind of culmination of that. Wow. Oh, Val. Oh, Val. How do you find the heart of a character?

Like, how would you find James's voice? Yeah, could you do me? No, you two are quite hard. Obviously, I've edited you both for so many years. You're always in my head. And you've got quite difficult voices to recreate actually james obviously you've got your trademark things like um necklace a necklace and we're going around the houses uh but apart from that you're quite hard i laugh could you do

my laugh no oh come on that was quite good was it it not? I mean, for my character, I suppose, it's very textured. Very curt, very sneaky. Very mannered. Does Alice have like a low voice or a high voice? What are you getting at? What are you getting at? What are you getting at? Do I have a British voice or an American voice?

But you're from Nottingham, but you don't really have a Nottingham twang. Not as much, well... Do your Nottingham accent. You've got more of a Nottingham accent than me. Do you reckon? Do you reckon? Do you reckon? James and I, by rights, should have a bit more of a draw, shouldn't we?

We should, shouldn't we? We should go town, really. We should probably go town and get a little bit of water in our buckle, shouldn't we? Pop kekel on. Kekkel? Pop kekel on. Pop kekel on. Kekkel? Pop kekel on. Pop kekel on. No, no, pop kekel on.

What you like. Oh, I just found out. Oh, my God. It's really extraordinary. That's Nottingham. It's really hard to do. It's really hard to do. I mean, thank God no characters from Nottingham.

Everyone with a Nottingham accent is like, no. So, yeah, so we're going to be reliving some of my worst accents today because none of them are good. I think we are all in agreement about that. But at least I try. They all belong in a universe together. What I like about the podcast as well is that Jamie uses the podcast as the forum to try the accent for the first time.

He won't practice it in advance. He'll do it live. Just like any good actor. They just come to set set they read the script for the first time and they just give it a whirl so we have listened and I hope that

we've included some of your favourites but there are going to be a few deep cuts the things that we kind of have always found quite funny that you may have not remembered at all

but we're going to start with something that everyone knows one of the biggest moments of the show I think a classic I can hear this at night when I close my eyes

this is this ratt I close my eyes. This rattles around my brain rent-free. Okay, so here we go. Hello, I'm Petra, Herbish's personal assistant. I love Petra's voice. Oh, we heard about her, didn't we? We did. We are sorry to keep you waiting,

but I'm afraid Herbich has had one of his chronic asthma attacks. Pardon? Asthma attacks. Is she having one? Hello. Hello. Hello. Okay.

Hello, I'm just talking to the modem. Give me one second. Beep, beep. Hello, I'm just talking to the moldem. Give me one second. Hello, I'm Petra. One of his chronic asthma attacks. She's delirious. And it's just been reversed to his private hospital. Jamie, move your lips. Honestly, are you okay?

Why won't you sound out the words? One of his chronic asthma attacks... Attacks? Yes. Has just been rushed to his private hospital. No, his private hospital. Why is she four years old? She's just using her words.

However, I'm here, so I will meet with you both. I hope you understand. I hope you understand. I hope you understand. It's been a long time. I hope you understand. No, I don't understand. Sorry, what did you just say?

Not a word. Sorry. Stop listening, because of your stupid voice. Could you write it all down? Sorry, am I ruining it? Sorry. You put a lot of vowels in, however. It was the longest. Considering all the other words were so fast. Shall I read it as Sorry. You put a lot of vowels in however. It was the longest.

Considering all the other words were so fast. Shall I read it as just in my own accent? No, that's quite right. No, read it one more time and we won't interrupt. We'll try not to react. Interrupt him. In Petra. In Petra. Hello.

I'm Petra. Here Bish's personal assistant. We are sorry to keep you waiting. But I'm afraid he has had one of his chronic asthma attacks and has just been rushed to his private hospital

his private hospital he will he will I'm here so I will meet with you both I hope you understand never has I hope you understand

been more redundant oh my god I say mistress Belinda I'd like to spread my Oh my God. I say, Mistress Belinda, I'd like to spread my rather longish legs off the dashboard. The lady with the longish legs. She loves a fish. Oh, screamed the Duchess.

Oh, off you go again. I say, Mistress Belinda, I'd like to spread my rather longish legs onto the dashboard. Oh my God. Jamie just acted that out. Screamed the Duchess. You nearly put your longish legs on the dashboard, though. Why, yes, of course.

How silly of me. I've always thought this Mercedes model had very short footwells. Replied Belinda hospitably. Oh, for God's sake. A deep, resonant groan emanated from the prostrate duchess. It sounds like she's turning into some sort of demon. It sounds like she's turning into some sort of demon. Something's like coming out of her. The portal has opened!

It's like that bit in Ghostbusters 2. God, it's a portal to hell. Oh my God. One of the nicer reviews of the book on Amazon Special Vought Oh it makes my skin crawl The horrid voice volumed Speaking Hi

You can't come to the phone right now Replied Giselle as nonchalantly as she could muster I want you to dinner with Petra and two other English guests tonight Tonight Giselle suddenly cried like a stuck piglet in a fence Bit like that then That came too easily What a party piece.

What is the noise? Bish demanded. Not nicely. I'm petrified of Bish. Sorry, sir hair. Sir hair. Sir hair. Sir mister.

Sorry, sir hair. I have a bit of a dicky belly and bowels. She's passing that off as bowels. Disgusting. I couldn't agree more. Keep away from my brittle body. They're on the phone. They're 230 metres apart.

Oh, my God. One bout of diarrhoea could push him over the edge, couldn't it? To be fair, he's very sickly. He'll turn inside out. Ach, disgusting. Keep away from my brittle body mass for all of tonight or I will be dining with Hades and not insurance rats. Dining with Hades.

His heart will come out of his ass. Oh my God. I mean, it looks like Jamie's going to die every time he does the impression. Bish is horrible. He kind of possesses you when you do his voice. Possesses you. Hank, dressed only in his board shorts, threw another large rib eye steak onto the barbecue. Watching the three girls out of the corner of his eye skinny dip in the pool.

He looked over at Jim and winked. Oh. Steak, ass and tits. You can't beat it. Are they all different cuts of meat? Cow tit. Oh, God. Steak, ass and tits.

You can't beat it. Best date ever. Steak, ass and tits. Steak. Steak, ass and tits Can't beat it Best date ever Steak, ass and tits Steak Steak, ass and tits What are you singing? I literally don't know Also we can't sing a song every chapter

Honestly you're turning this podcast into the musical But we're doing the same one isn't it? Steak, ass and tits Steak, ass and tits No I don't know what you're singing I'm just copying you I was like yeah what is it? And youits No I don't know what you're singing I'm just copying you I was like yeah what is it And you're like I don't know

Oh my god Belinda Fuck me sideways and up the wall Jesus Christ Screeched Frost first Belinda did as Belinda does. Just choked on my own spit. Belinda did as Belinda does. And Geronimus and Frost first was gagging for it.

All delirium and hum. Do you want to know a secret? Belinda spoke onto her fizzing face. Oh my god. Yes, please do tell all, moaned the acting mistress. I don't find you attractive. She was

acting! She was acting! And then you're an ugly bitch Surprise And that's the end of the performance Oh Belinda So she's like

I don't find you attractive You Are truly An actress For the ages Give that woman An Oscar I'm truly an actress for the ages. Give that woman an Oscar. Dearly beloved, the vicar droned on.

He's just spoken. It's the first thing he's said. It's a fast forward. We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of... Oh. Why is it Alan Carr? I'm actually like a doddery old man. Hello. Hello.

There's so many lovely people here. Oh. Oh, okay. This is interesting. What do we think Tony's surname is? Oh. Do we not know? Bl think Tony's surname is? Oh. Do we not know? Blinked?

Steals? No. Oh, God. We are gathered here today to witness the marriage. We are gathered. Why is he so vibrato? We are gathered here today. There's a lot of echoing, isn't there?

It's a very theatrical place will you take this woman's hand why is it a West End wedding English this is the Countess Zara of Leningrad our host tonight darling enchanted I hope you are giving my little gringo here and the path to fame and riches.

Yes. I love her. I bet she's got a ring on everything, like five rings on everything. Definitely. And kind of flowing fabric, like there'll be a lot of chiffon going on. Yeah. Grigor smiled and opened his arms. Please join us, Countess Zara.

I presume you've been too busy to eat tonight. Thank you. I will. Business is booming and I'm short-staffed again. My Russian girls just can't keep up with my clients and the Dutch girls do so know their European working rights. It's a nightmare. So it counters as a madam of a brothel. Did we know it was a brothel? If we did, I'd forgotten it was definitely a brothel. Well, it was in the red light district, so you would assume it was in a brothel. Fuck me, Grigor. Belinda, come down on me and give me my feast. Oh! She is filth. She's insatiable. Her feast. What,

like one of those lollies with hundreds of thousands on them? Oh, my God. Get me a feast. Just give her a feast, for God's sake. She's had a screwball. Bye. Pleased to meet thee, Belinda. Pleased to meet thee, Belinda. There's three A's on the Belinda there. Sit thee down, please, Ken.

For God's sake. Andy is my fave. Ken, big titties Matilda at head office. Trade union boss Andy Milstein. Oh, my God. Trade union boss Andy Milstein, right? Oh my God, it might as well be the 1800s. This fucking everyday sexism. What's up, Jadandi?

Big titty Matilda. Big titty Tilda, was it? Ken, big titty's Matilda at head office wants to talk to you on phone about some wrong invoices. Ken shook his head. More some wrong invoices. Ken shook his head. More bloody wrong invoices. I swear to God, I spend more time with that woman than I do with my own wife. But hang on, Ken.

If there's wrong invoices, surely you're doing the invoices wrong. Not more wrong invoices. Like, yeah. Do an invoice right. Belinda blinked. Who should be flying the plane? It's bloody Hazel! Only bloody Hazel, the pilot from books two and three.

It doesn't say from books two and three. Oh, my God. Okay, we didn't remember. You can't say from books two and three. That just shatters all... Any illusion that we're reading a novel. Is that even in like brackets or something? Or is that just...

No, no. That's fully in the sentence. Just only bloody Hazel the pilot from books two and three. Exclamation point. Well, I never. As I live, breathe and fly. It's Belinda Blumenthal. Was that a voice? Don't even remember. I don't Belinda Blumenthal. Was that a voice?

I don't even remember. I don't remember what her voice was. What was her voice? I don't remember her saying very much last time, but maybe you could do like a pilot's voice. I think she'd have to say everything like she was doing the announcement and then... Okay. Well, I never, as I live, breathe and fly, it's Belinda Blumenthal. Oh my God, I'd love it if she talks like this the whole time.

They French kissed with extra tongue and... Who's extra tongue? And Belinda looked at the motherboard of switches, knobs and buttoned lights with anxiety. Oh, don't worry about this array, spoke the experienced pilot. It's perfectly safe. Most of it is like a game of Sonic the Hedgehog Or GoldenEye for the N64 Did not see her as a gamer Yeah

No Or Rocky We had a Playstation No it wasn't a Playstation We had a Sega Mega Drive Sega With Sonic the Hedgehog Sega

Yeah why did you say Sega Sega Okay we all said Sega Sorry Sega A Sega Mega Drive Segar Mega Drive. A Segar Mega Drive. Non t'endant.

Johnny, can I play on the Segar? The Mega Drive. Mum, where's the PlayStation? Suddenly, a loud voice from the left bank interrupted the investigation. Oh my God, it's me! Oi! Oi, get out of there! That's our drinking water, you wretched pair of rats! I told you! And you spiralled me fishing!

The thrashing couple looked up and saw an oldish fly fisherman in green wellies up to his waist. But Spooner couldn't care a fuck. I couldn't care a flying fuck. Get out! Out! Out! Out! What is this sheep, man? The beautiful Helga grabbed her arm. Belinda! Oh. Helga shouted her arm. Belinda! Oh.

Helga shouted at her. Oh. I need to talk to you urgently. Oh my God. She's been on her troubles. My voice. It's gone really well. Help.

I need to talk to you immediately. I think something's happening in my brain. That's what Dutch people sound like. Are you insane? I was partying with Dutch people at the weekend, actually, in Barcelona. And yeah, they all spoke a little bit like that. I beg to differ. I was drunk, so maybe I've misremembered it.

But I was very confident at the time. Were some of them from Singapore? Well, let's try Dutch again from the top. Well, yeah, good. I need to talk to you urgently. A bit better, yeah. Of course, Helga. Ladies' toilets?

The cubicles. Cubicle confessions. It was the toilets. Cubicle confessions. It was the toilets. Cubicle confessions. With the Linda and Helga. Oh my God, it's like Sweet Valley High. Luckily, Helga understood the word toilet. She knows toilet, swimming pool and cafe.

Isn't English basically a first language there? Luckily, Helga understood the word toilet, as it was pretty similar to the Dutch word, which is also toilet. Similar? The same? Pretty similar to the identical word. Belinda. Belinda. Yes, what? Listen to me.

We're listening, yeah. Helga gasped in fluent English with the hint of yank. Hint of yank? Oh, someone got it wrong. God, here we go. I'm really sorry, but I have to give you this bad news. Now she's Siri. It is really important that you can't tell a soul.

I'm sorry. I can't help you with that inquiry. Oh, God. Oh, my God, she is Siri. The weather in Jakarta is 23 degrees. No. Belinda, Tony said sternly, I must introduce you to Giles Cotton's birth.

You absolutely must, my darling. Oh, Giles, I'm so sorry. What a pleasure to meet your acquaintance. Giles what? Cottonsburg. Cottons birth. Cottons birth. Yes.

Okay. Brilliant. Brilliant. Belinda, I must introduce you to Giles Cottonsworth, our latest hire from the Welsh country. From the Welsh country. Just accents anonymous. Yeah, Wales. introduce you to giles cottons birth our latest hire from the welsh country from the welsh country from wales yeah wales mr cottons birth is an expert in the area of product research and could use some corporate synergy belinda tony added i've had a nightmare trying to gauge the

action to a soggy veg product, Miss Blumenthal. Apparently you're the one to help, I don't know. Michael Sheen's friendship, down the line. Giles Cotton's birth, voiced. He is an older man, isn't he? He's an older woman by the sounds of Jamie's impression. Okay. I've had a nightmare trying to gauge reaction

to soggy veg products Miss Blumenthal apparently you're the one to help I don't know Sir Tom Jones? Is that you? Oh my god, that's Bill Asconi Why is he Italian at the end? I don't know

I don't know I don't know Oh god I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, God. Of course. Let me take you to our product research panel booths. Belinda helped. What are you talking about? I don't even want to like question what this guy's doing.

So one minute she's on the rampage, the next minute she's just fallen straight back into work. James, here's your filler. This is filler.com. Seriously. Thank you, Belinda. The focus groups are all booked up and ready to go. Is that Anthony Hopkins? We're going on a journey.

I'm casting it as I go. Tom Jones. Thank you, Belinda. The focus groups are all booked up and ready to go. So is Burton now. Jim's PA, Sydney, approached the girls. Hello, Sydney. Sydney, could be boy or girl.

That's true. Like Poitier. Very good. Ha, you must be Belinda. And you're Bella, said the extremely pretty and petite Sydney. So a girl. No, actually, you could still be a boy. What's extremely petite?

Three five? Linda Hunt side. If y'all finished eating, then just follow me to your first meeting. Oh, my God. She sounds like Doris Day. Is that her catchphrase? If y'all finish eating, come follow me to your next meeting. She's channeling Do sounds like Doris Day. I love her. Is that her catchphrase? If y'all finish eating, come follow me to your next meeting.

She's channeling Dolly Parton. She wants to be a songstress. Also, when did you learn to do Southern American? I've been practicing. This is your best accent so far. Thank y'all. Okay. If y'all finished eating,

then just follow me to your first meeting. for his mate the women look down at a smallish white coated it's slints grey bearded gent oh he's got a beard

I didn't expect a beard or maybe actually a kind of close beard good morning Frau Sylvester and Fräulein Ridley and Blumenthal. I am the eminent Professor Slintz.

Okay, all right. With the spirit of your grandma, apparently. Inventor extraordinaire of steels, pots and pans. Is he Jim? Where is he from? He is whoever I fucking want him to be, all right? Two chapters left. Let him have it.

Please follow me for your access all areas tour. Oh, wow. Now he's very English. Of a wonderful factory. Oh, he said wonderful, so he must be German. It's spelt with a V. The coughing crone turned to Belinda and said, What did the nightingale sing to the dustman?

Sorry, I've got the wrong pew. My bad. Belinda looked around herself before answering Mr Bojangles. Oh, shut up. It's code. They're having a code chat. Incorrect.

The crone smiled a toothy smile. You made it then. What the hell's going on? Yes, just as you said. Suddenly, Belinda was cut off when the crone's tin of cough mint started

to beep. Oh my god, it's a gadget! It's a gadget! She flicked it open and brought the box to her ear. You've been compromised. She croaked. Impossible! spluttered Belinda. I changed at Hull. I did everything I possibly could. Well, they've followed you. An evil agent is on your toenails. There you go, code. For heels.

We've got to get out of here. Pronto. Pronto. He stopped in his lethargic tracks as he double-tracked the past. I'm sorry? He did what with who now? He stopped in his lethargic tracks as he double-tracked the past.

So he saw Belinda. I would track back and delete that sentence is what I would do. Belinda, am I dreaming or just doped? He said dopely. Is everyone on drugs in this town? Everyone's high. Could you be both, dearest Clint? Dearest Clint!

Clint! Could you be both, dearest Clint? Belinda flirted casually. You usually are. Usually, they've not seen each other for 20 years. Wow. I thought you were a mover and a shaker in the big smoke. I hate Clint.

That's Manchester! I'm sorry. I hate him. Oh That's Manchester. I'm sorry. I hate it. All right, yeah. Wow. I thought you were a mover and a shaker in the big smoke. Mick Jagger. Oh, but Lindsay, do you want to come to my show tonight?

It's David Bowie. Do you want to be a bit dope, do you see? Oh, right, yes. Like lethargic, isn't it? Yeah, no, totally. Let be a bit doped, do you see? Oh, right, yes. Like lethargic. Yeah, no, totally. Lethargic and doped, yeah. Wow. I thought you were a mover and a shaker in the big spoke.

It's actually Mick Jagger. I am. Belinda laughed as she pointed at her rapidly burning cigarette. Why? Clint laughed too. That is funny. Good one, everyone. You can see why those two get on.

I don't get it. What? I don't. What, she pointed at a cigarette? Like... Oh. That makes... Wow, I thought you were a mover and a shaker in the big smoke.

I am, as she pointed at a cigarette. Fucking hell. Top notch better. Top notch better. Belinda laughed as she pointed at her rapidly burning cigarette. Clint laughed too. Then Belinda laughed again, thinking gosh, it was always so natural

with this dude. Oh god! That's the most unnatural conversation I've ever heard. They're as thick as each other, so I can see why they got on. Gosh, it was always so natural with this dude.

It's so fucking boring. Damn you, Giselle, shouted George. I warned you earlier about killing him with that bloody vagina of yours. And don't kill him with your vag. I won't warn you again. How many times?

I warned you earlier about killing him with that bloody vagina of yours, but you just wouldn't listen. Giselle looked daggers at George and threw her sodden black thong at him Fuck you Somebody had to push him to the edge You tosser-rotter Tosser-rotter Put that on the list

Tosser-rotter, that is in Tuscany, isn't it? Tosser-rotter So no remorse from Giselle What the hell are we going to do now? The second and final tranche of Euros Is due to be paid tomorrow When we hand over the blueprints to Bish. Oh, shit.

Bella's personal demonstration of the new Steeles Cry No More knife was a tricky task, but she was determined to try. Right. G'day, Pan Pacific! She bellowed. I can't imagine that was the reaction. To Lloyd. She bellowed to no one in particular.

Welcome to the cutting-edge onion buster utensil everyone's on about. On about. Everyone's on about. If it works, and I'd love to hear the science behind it, I think it's a great idea. Although I personally love the stylish oxy-onion goggles of last season, I had a 3D pair myself. 3D?

Why do they need to be 3D? Life is 3D, Bella Madone. I could see the whole onion. It was great. Whose idea was that? We didn't know they were producing goggles, did we? No, this knife. What's this knife?

What's this stupid day? So, although I personally love the stylish oxy-onion goggles of last season, I had a 3D pair myself. The boffins at Steeles Pots and Pans have now created something better. that steals pots and pans have now created something better. I give you a sharp knife that blows air outwards as it slices onions.

Right. It's a hairdryer with a knife strapped to it. The silence in the fast dispersing crowd worried Belinda. Oh, it's clearing out. She's done an absolute rotter. Who just shouted out,

Yeah! Yeah! Now I know why she wasn't very sure about how to use it. Forget lighting a candle, Bella continued. I don't think that's one. Chewing a teaspoon.

You don't chew it, you just put it in your mouth. A teaspoon, a metal teaspoon. Or singing Green Grow the Rashes Out Backwards. This is the future. The horrid and big jail man. Capital J, capital M. New character. I'm big jail man, capital J, capital M. New character. I'm the jail man.

Watching them was a lech with bad breath and an annoying habit for talking. So that was how Mrs Melody decided to leave Uncle Fairforks for the hotter climes of Cairns. But she did find it too hot after a while you see and core i've just noticed the jail man interrupted himself you are a gorgeous couple of shalers oh my god can i just apologize we're gonna be in australia soon and i don't know if we can walk down the street with our heads held high i'm not gonna get in just noticed he's been hours. Yeah, but he's so busy telling his story. Isn't he? But hasn't he seen Belinda's magnificent breasts?

They catch the eye from far away. You're a gorgeous couple of Sheilas. My name's Bella, said Bella. Oh, my God. And I'm Belinda. No Sheilas here. Oh, God. Look alive, girls, said Belinda, looking around her empty surroundings.

Drinking on the jar of Miss Blumenthal, which her James approved, Belinda looked to her left. One of a group of sales... Shook it to the right. Slap it to the front. One of a group of salesmen had detached himself from the edge of his party and was talking to her.

She noticed that someone was talking to her. Why is he talking for ages? Leave me alone, chump. I've got a man to meet. Belinda barked. Great bounce. The very shame. Do you mind if I join you? Oh my God!

So you're giving him a Sean Connery voice? You're better than that. You're so much better than that. Like father, like son, honestly. How excited he got about that. I was toying with it today. I was like, should I do it? I won't do it.

I'll fuck it, I'll do it. You should be ashamed of yourself. Sorry. No, go on. Belinda took a minute and looked him up and down. Decent, well-polished shoes. Goodish physique. A full head of dark hair.

And to die for a smile. The name's Spooner. James Spooner. Oh, for God's sake. James Spooner James Spooner Oh for God's sake, James Spooner Now Belinda I need just five minutes of your ear Before the show to talk about our business opportunity Five minutes? Oh God, she's not going to breastfeed, is she? Said Penelope

Show? Stammered Belinda. Please tell me we're catching a play at the Moulin Rouge. Oh, for fuck's sake. Or maybe we're seeing an exhibition at the Louvre. Or maybe we're going to the Seine. I've always longed to go and watch the Nicholas Dancing Whores. You gotta love those dancing whores.

Yeah. Penelope Pollay spat some of her very French martini into her glass. It's getting French here by the minute. No, no, no, you simple bitch. Oh, wow. I feel like they've met their match manners-wise. Someone's got Belinda's number for sure. No, no, no, you simple bitch. It is all about la moulin marron. The maroon windmill. The brown windmill. Gawped Belinda's perfect translation

For her, this was a double morning Stop saying morning Why are you saying moon, mirror, air Why are you saying like sole, moon, year What do you say? We say what people say, morning What do you say? It's got a U in it, it's morning

Okay For her her this was a double morning why does it pain him to just oh god he's so annoying for her this was a double morning stop it i'm gonna freak out smack you covid or no i'm coming over there i'm gonna freak for her this was a double morning her boss boss and playmate. Okay, I've never ever lost it and turned the table over but I will. He's provoking us. I know he is. Her

boss and playmate, Belinda Blumenthal, was missing, presumed dead. Morning, miss. I need to microphone you up for the show. The small man dressed in black said, in an even tinier voice. An even tinier voice than what?

Than being small himself. Oh, God. That's so conceptually confusing. How small is he? Funny, Belinda thought, that a man so quiet was in charge of all the sound in the whole of the Millennium Dome building. Ironic, isn't it? It's almost like there's so much sound in his life that he doesn't

want to create anymore. I guess you'll need to thread the wire under my outer clothing. Is that correct? She said wickedly. Outer clothing? Yes, miss. That would be super duper. Outer clothing? Yes, miss. That would be super duper. Super duper. Super fucking duper. I thought as much, said Belinda, as she ripped off her blouse.

No, sorry. Not how it works. No, you can untuck your blouse and push it up under. You don't have to open your blouse. The smallish man dressed in black ogled her chest. He's my fave. The milk tray man is lit the best. Sorry, do you need more space to work with, Mr Salman? No, that's fine.

The small man dressed in black stammered back. Good evening, Duchess. Belinda. Nodding his head at them both. Good evening, Sir James, said Belinda, attempting to make small talk. Well, good evening's a great start then. She's already stumbled. I've used up all my topics like good evening.

She just stands there, nervously and silent. Good evening, Sir James. Have you motored down from Windsor this evening? Why does everyone motor? I know. I feel like it's used that phrase before. I feel like it's the dawn of the motor car wherever they are. Poop, poop.

Poop, poop. No, no. Clarence and I were doing a bit of clay pigeon shooting down in Dorset. Had a devil of a time getting back up here. Traffic's terrible. Always terrible. Someone's head in government will roll for it. He is good at small talk.

Bert held his hand up and interrupted. You see? You sure as hell came close to bursting our beautiful little record, Belinda. No, she didn't. Wayne smirked. But sadly for you, close as no cigar. Now, before you die, get on your knees and

suck my nice-sized cock. That was horrible. Did someone say cock? Cock! So, oh my god. So, whenever anybody says cock, even if it's not a member of the cock, she appears, I presume, on a horse. And here's a little unheard gem.

So why do you talk like this? Because you didn't talk like this when we met yeah oh yeah okay fine grass bath france like france is like egregious and i don't say france okay we'll we'll take that to the hague but the issue is when did it flip why did it flip and can it flip back i think he's had like elocution lessons. No, no. I haven't had elocution lessons. But I did change my accent. Yes. Yeah.

Why? Just because I didn't feel like my accent before was particularly... Did you have a proper Manchester accent? In first year of uni. I don't know if you remember.

No, I've blocked it out. We weren't hugely friendly in first year. Be careful now because a lot of people listening will have a Manchesterchester accent yes it just wasn't right for my voice i don't know it just didn't suit me it just didn't fit no but you know what i mean my natural accent wasn't right for me some people just like really suit it like liam gallagher great me it just never really sat well do you want to hear it i actually have it you can do it i have a video of me when I was at uni, first year. So when we met

around that time, I'm going to find out. With your voice? Yeah, yeah, with how I used to speak back then, okay? Used to, as in your real voice. The voice you have. The real voice. I feel so duped. Who's this? I know! I am a construct, it's true. Okay, are you ready? Half a bottle of gin,

half a bottle of vodka later, Jamie's finally arrived. Okay, first of all, half a bottle of gin and half a bottle of vodka? Please don't judge the drinking. Also, are you scouse? I mean, I don't even...

I would never have identified that as you. That's your real... That's authentic Jamie. Well, that was me really drunk in first year, so, you you know do the maths on that i dare i say prefer at least you know who you're dealing with exactly this this trumped up little twerp who's this and i kind of feel like it's a bit catch me if you can like if this isn't real what else is not real right exactly everything is real It's just Like people change their voices

Voices are constantly Like homogenising aren't they Especially when you go to Like university or something I mean neither of you Have got a Nottingham accent Do you Yeah but

That is so That is drastic Classic reflection Yeah You know me What aboutism It's very Aren't we all

Just one Global village But I'm also the sort of person that when i'm in different countries i do kind of take on their accent and people think they're taking the piss i just really like god that must go down well he's just he's just a sponge i mean a sponge okay fine let's this is never making it okay see you in Castle Book I can't help it I'm just I suppose I'm just constantly gathering all these influences

and it makes me who I am you know I'm some part French I'm some part English and Russian anyway what he means is Arnie Watkins

Arnie Watkins half a bottle of gin half a bottle of vodka Jamie has arrived oh my god okay right come on god you guys are so mean sometimes way back even back in the day i think i like to think we keep you honest okay yes that's one way of looking at it alice what's your excuse no excuse the proof's in the pudding i i stand by it i absolutely stand by it who are you what have you done with jamie the thing about baby jamie there was we're not comparing like for like because he's only had half a bottle of vodka today and none of the gin right that's true it's not a scientific experiment it is when you mix white liquor that's when it really comes into

its own um but that was fun. I enjoyed that one. Yeah, it's funny how he enjoyed the one which is just a showcase of all of his skills. It's essentially the Jamie episode. He's like, yeah, really strange that. I lapped it up. I was actually going to say, it was quite embarrassing reliving

how many terrible acts I've done and it is a bit humiliating. Oh God, I enjoyed that show real well. Anything for you guys, you know. So yeah, that was for you guys. Be careful what you ask for because we will give it to you. You know, if you do want anything that Alice or I have done. Yeah, we've done lots of good work. Oh, you know. So yeah, that was for you guys. Be careful what you ask for because we will give it to you. You know, if you do want anything

that Alice or I have done. Yeah, we've done lots of good work. Oh, come on. You've been all over these best ofs. You're the funny ones. I just read the books. Swigs bottle. Of water.

Of water. Oh my God. I'm going to trade my Alice. Fuck off. If you do have any more themes you think we should be covering, we just like getting together to do these. So we're all ears. Yeah.

Any projects, any books you just want us to read aloud. We're here. We might as well get it done. Yeah, yeah. And as always, thanks for listening. And yeah, we'll see you soon.