My Dad Wrote A Porno - The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part Six

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

Jamie, Alice and James choose their favourite moments from the 'Porno' archive as well as playing some exclusive never-before-heard bits. This time, the gang get festive looking back at the Christmas specials... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

deck the halls trim the tree burn the roof of your mouth on some microwave mulled wine for it is christmas yay and it's it's a tradition we have to be be back for Christmas. Ho, ho, and ho. We're all here. Ho, ho. Yeah. Done the register. I'm wearing a lovely little Santa hat. It's a little retty.

What do you mean? I think it's a nice one. Is it new? It's a year old. It looks like you and it have been dragged through a hedge backwards. Oh my God. You make an effort. My God.

No, you look lovely. Shouldn't have bothered. Everyone feeling Christmassy? I actually really am now. Yeah, me too, actually. I wouldn't use you have my tree yet but i got it early which i think you can tell because it looks almost dead i think it looks nice you think it's very slender yeah it's beautiful it's wonderfully decorated as we would expect thank you i didn't feel christmassy until there's one thing i have to do every year now to get in the festive spirit oh god here we go what is it i'll just you'll know what it is when I say it we're my background singers I haven't watched that yet this year oh

then how are you feeling festive for those who don't know Patti LaBelle singing at the national tree lighting ceremony in what 1992 it's the Clinton administration she's in a very luxurious kind of robe isn't she like outside coat but kind of very like lots of fabric she looks fantastic it's chaos she doesn't know the words to her own song they've got the cards in the wrong order her background singers haven't turned up if you've never seen it i recommend it it will really put you in the mood for christmas she's having an absolute conniption at whoever whatever poor sod with a big pen is trying to quickly write those lyrics because the autocue's gone down. It is, it's one of those things that just warms your heart.

Oh my God, she is fighting for her life. It's pure chaos. It's amazing. My friend said the other day, because I really want to have a watch along to a Christmas film that I consider to be up there with the greats, but I don't think gets enough attention. Oh, good.

The Family Stone. Never seen it. Oh my God, it's so bad. Sad, no? Is it? I don't know. Like it's, no, it's not sad. The Family Stone. Never seen it. Oh my God. It's so bad. It's sad, no? Is it? I don't know. Like it's, no, it's not sad. It's bad.

There's a bit where like Sarah Jessica Parker's just rolling around loads of egg. Like it's really good fun. If you want something to just sit and absolutely torch this festive period. But my friend said, what's our sort of like trailer or like opener for it is it patty labelle so i think we need to lead in with patty labelle oh my god you should itinerize a day of getting festive patty labelle family stone what else what else would you consume to get you in the festive spirit ironic or not jamie i bet you've got a lovely christmas playlist i do actually and loads of records i haven't, well, I was debating whether I should put my decorations up this year.

Why? Because I was looking at my diary and I'm only in my house one night in December. What do you mean? I'm out doing things or staying at home. Yeah, but I think there's something quite sad about just seeing... Dirty stop out? I presume you come back.

So you haven't put your tree up? I did now because I was like, that's kind of sad. You know what he has got out though that he always gets out, which for him is a sort of equivalent of, you know, because he has his garlanding on the stairs. You decorate very nicely. Thank you. But the thing that I feel is the opening ceremony for Jamie is

the Christmas tablecloth. The Christmas tablecloth. That came out yesterday. I was like, I haven't put it out yet. What the fuck? What's on the Christmas tablecloth? It's just a red Autumnal scene isn't it Alice

It's kind of like Has it got holly It's got kind of foliage on it Yeah And berries maybe Oh beautiful But that is That's

It's on That's December He's one of the only people I know Who uses tablecloths Oh yeah No he's really Keeping the Industry alive

2023 Jamie's keeping the tablecloth In the industry alive Because my table Is such a horrible pine It's just a pine-ranked table. How many tablecloths have you got? Oh, many.

Many for each season. Oh, my God. About three per season. Yeah. What does that mean? Like a spring one. Spring three? Spring three.

You know, just to kind of mix it up. Wow. Because, you know, it is the centre point of my kitchen. So is it a kind of clocks change, switch over the clocks? There's no regimen. As I just said, I was very late with the December one. But anyway, this is really, really boring. It's lovely and slow.

I don't know. I think it's quite amusing. Do you have a tablecloth at Christmas? Please get in touch. Jamie's going to start a club. Send us pictures of your tablecloths. And if it's a runner, don't worry, that's enough. My God. We've all had a runner. I've had a runner. I'm sure Alice has's a runner, don't worry, that's enough.

We've all had a runner. I've had a runner. I'm sure Alice has had a runner. Oh, I've had a runner. Napkins? You got napkins? Oh, for God's sake, yeah. I am the napkins. That's me.

Jesus. Don't have a festive tablecloth if you don't want to talk about it. No secrets here, dear. Didn't realise it was embargoed. It's not embargoed, it's just... You might get a little spunk on out of it. A bit of what? Spunk on.

Excuse me. Spunk on the tablecloth. Spon-con. Oh my god, it started. It even says spunk on. I don't know, I don't know. You apparently. So it is Christmas and we're going to be looking back at some of our favourite moments from our Christmas episodes.

Right, yes. Obviously we listened to them to find our favourite moments. Oh my God, I love the Christmas episodes. I was absolutely howling. My main worry, because I was listening out and about, is that somebody would glance over at my phone and I would be like throwing my head back laughing. At yourself, yeah. That's really embarrassing.

What's also nice listening back to them is all of the Christmas traditions that we partook in as part of a porno Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of gift giving, Jamie, from you. A lot of lovely surprise gifts. Yeah, you know, I did make the effort back in the day. Nothing here today for any of you.

Anything in your bag? He walked in with two Fortnum & Mason's bags, and I went, oh, no. Oh, God, it's not, is it? Are we not doing presents? He was like, they're not for you. I was like, oh, right. Like the anti-Santa.

He's like, oh, no, don't worry. Well, I think if I was going to buy Jamie a gift, which I'm not the perfect gift would be have you seen this thing that's been doing the rounds it's been out for years it's a film called wait for it jamie's head is gonna explode he's gonna puke it's called tea with the dames oh i'm a fucking aware of it i get tagged in it all the time yes who is it it's d Dame Maggie Smith. Yes. Judy Dench.

Yes. Dame. Sorry, Dame Maggie Smith, Judy Dench. Joan Plowright. Joan Plowright and Eileen Atkins. And they're all sitting around and they're just hagging it up, talking about like, you know. Oh, Jamie, it's your wet dream. I'm yet to see it.

I think it's about 90 minutes. 90 minutes of what? Hagging. Legends talking about their lives, thank you. Okay. Over tea. He's just jealous. Seriously.

Who got that directing gig? Deal set up, yeah. Gutted. So there must be a DVD of it. I'm going to get you that and wrap it up. A DVD. Throw in a player. I'll need it.

What a fag. Oh, so you've had that a few times before? A few times. I mean, it's obviously very nice that people think that I'm going to appreciate it, but you can stop sending it me now. I'm aware it exists. Or should we add that to the pre-Family Stone Patti LaBelle playlist? Yes.

That's true, yes. So we can watch the dames having tea, maybe have some tea with them. Oh, my God. And then watch Patti LaBelle. That's when you get on the mulled wine and then conk out to Sarah Jessica Parker riding around in egg, was it? Stumbled egg, yeah. Eggnog?

I think it's actually just wet egg, yeah. What a day. Wet egg with Sarah Michelle Gellar. No, what's her name? Sarah Jessica Parker. God. That's a family song, too. Michelle Gellar wants nothing to do with it.

Not even in an ironic way. That sounds like a lovely afternoon. Yeah. And then you can finish it off with all of the My Dad Wrote a Porno Christmas specials through the night. You know, just fall asleep to them. We'll be pornoing through the night.

That's my Patti LaBelle impression. So should we, should we relive? Should we get some microwave mulled wine in hand and dive in? Absolutely.

Alice, fire the dial up to 10 and put it on for two minutes longer than necessary. Do you know what? I'm going to set it to defrost fish, baby. 38 minutes. It suddenly felt like X-mas.

Stop. Would you stop? It's beginning to look a lot like X-mas. Really? Her surrounded by a fucking regional sales manager just makes her feel Christmassy. We're dreaming of a white X-mas. It suddenly felt like X-mas.

And Belinda got up and started to microwave the mulled wine. Oh, no! What a fucking depressing sight! Why did she go back to the office? Oh, God. There's not enough oxygen getting to my brain. Or Rocky's. Oh, my God.

Okay, that is my favourite line, I think, in any of the Belinda Blink books. It suddenly felt like X-mas and Belinda got up and started to microwave the mulled red wine. Oh my God. Oh gosh. And I mean, I couldn't even get the words out, but why is there a microwave in her office? Oh God. So she can scrambled egg like between meetings. A really quick jacket potato. That is cracking. Oh my God, that has made my X-mas. Oh God,

I can't breathe. Also, mulled red wine because clearly Rocky's been caught out by mulling. Mulling the Chardonnay. It doesn't taste right, Wilma.

He did once try to experiment and just boiled a whole bottle of Strongbow one year Malt cider Don't think that's very good God, that must be like hot piss Horrible Oh, hello, Santa

Chill out Belinda Gushed So, so good to see you again. Do you think she still believes in Santa? Well, I'm worried what gushed means, to be honest. So, so good to see you again. Again, like it's the same guy. She does, she believes in him. Santa ho-ho-hoed and proffered her to sit on his fat lap.

Oh, a fat lap. She didn't blink once, feeling somehow at home in this plastic environment. So, how many gifts have you personally wrapped so far, Papa Noel? I'm embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed. I'm embarrassed by this whole production. Papa Noel!

Belinda always felt the exotic flourish was the most sexy way to any man's charcoal heart. Oh, and Papa Noel's really exotic, being French and all. Too many to count. Oh! Good Santa, Danny. It's fantastic. You're literally going to ruin Santa for everyone. But that's not important.

Is it Aslan? More like Mufasa. Ho, ho, ho. The question on my hair-smothered lips is, have you been a good girl this year? I love this voice, though. No, she hasn't. Belinda was aghast.

Was Babbo Natale flirting with her? Who? Sorry? Babbo Natale. I'm flirting with her. Who? Sorry. Babu Natale. What's Babu Natale?

I'm here to read for the dame. Sir James bellowed. He's got a good dame voice, actually. Please. The floor is yours. Oh, my God. you little dick goose what am i like behind me oh you wish i wish come behind me no not at all i'm a mother going to be sick What the fuck was that? It was his performance. What on earth?

So did he just do a medley of all the medleys? He just did a medley of classic pantomime moments. I actually nearly was sick. I actually thought you were going to fall out of the chair. There's a bit of sick in here. Should we break that down? No, do it exactly like that again. Oh, my God.

You little dick goose. What am I like? Behind me? Oh, you wish. I wish. Come behind me. No, not at all. I'm a mother.

Someone's having a breakdown. Why is he a mother? Oh, he's a mother goose. Why is he moving so fast? Why can't he spend any time on any of it? I've actually never seen James like this. Do it again. Okay, no, yeah, actually, one by one.

One by one. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, fine. You little dick goose. You little dick goose. That's my favourite, actually, a little dick goose. A little dick goose, what does that mean? You little dick goose. You little dick goose. That's my favourite, actually, little dick goose. Little dick goose, what does that mean? You little dick goose.

What am I like? What's the like? That's not one. That was one of them. No, but that's not one from a panto. No. Oh god. Behind me.

Because that's the whole thing, isn't it? You've made him a bit northern. I know, yeah, sorry. No, don't change a thing. But what is it? He's behind you. Oh no, he isn't. Oh yeah. It's all that shit, isn't it? No, we't change a thing. But what is it? He's behind you. Oh, no, he isn't. Oh, yeah.

It's all that shit, isn't it? No, we get it. But this is like the unravelling of a man in front of her eyes. Oh, my God. Behind me. Oh, you wish. I wish. You wish.

It's because he's having both sides of the conversation. You wish. I wish. What does he want? He's doing all the parts from all the pantos. It's a one-man show. This was his prepared audition. He's going to leave on a gurney.

It started to snow harder, and Belinda pulled her sheep fluff coat with it. Stop saying. Why is everyone wearing stupid clothes from the future sheep fluff sheep fluff but like the offcuts of sheep skin where do you get the fluff from where'd you get it from it started to snow harder and belinda pulled her sheep fluff coat with its black goat skin lapels. Oh god. Closer to her knockout

knockers. Okay, right. A few things. Lapels. Goat skin lapels and sheep fluff coat. I've never seen anything like it. She's mutton dressed as I don't even know what. She's mutton dressed as goat. Oh god. So that's a look, isn't it?

It's quite the ensemble. God, you wouldn't miss those two walking out together, would you? But we don't ski, so we don't know. That might be the attire. Yeah, sheep fluff is quite big in Val d'Azere. I'm not even going to comment on knockout knockers because it's giving him attention he doesn't deserve. Yes, quite.

I still need to get my wings. You see, every time a bell end comes, an angel gets its wings. Very good. Very good. Every time a bell end comes. What? An angel gets its wings? Yes.

A bell end comes. A bell end. Just the bellend. Just the bellend. Just the end. Just the tip. I'm waiting for mine. So every time someone comes, that must be... Somewhere, a friend angel gets swings. Oh, that must be happening a lot.

I was going to say, people are coming last night in Christmas. Especially in 2020 as well. I hope you think about that next time you're having sex. No, don't. Because next time you're having sex, I'm going to think, oh Oh god an angel just got his wings Oh god No don't

Everyone who listens to this genuinely The next time you masturbate or have sex You're going to be thinking it I guarantee you That's so true That's really going to ruin a lot of fun Just a bellend though right Not when a woman comes No just a bellend

Belinda smiled At the mother right? Not when a woman comes. No, just a bellend. Just a bellend. Belinda smiled at the mother, Gloria. Gloria! Gloria! Gloria! Hi, how are you, Gloria? Belinda smiled at the mother.

Gloria. Wondering... Gloria Ridley. Gloria Ridley. My name is Gloria Ridley. Belinda smiled at the mother. At Gloria Ridley. At Gloria Ridley.

Wondering what sort of a Christmas Bella had gotten her into. What was the dad called? Oh, we don't know yet. Oh, God. I bet they've all got, like, Christmas names. Here's my sister Holly and my dad, Rudolph. Uncle Frosty's arriving in five. After a few drinks and socialising,

Belinda concluded that Artie and... Oh, Artie. Who's Artie? The dad. The dad, Artie. Artie. Arthur Christmas. Just saying.

Belinda concluded that Artie and Gloria Ridley were fine but dull. If I'd heard... Before I knew Bella, and I knew her parents were called Artie and Gloria, I'd have thought she was from a very different stock. Like, she wasn't the character she is. But remember, I've made her that character. Like, on the page, she could be completely different. A different interpretation, she could be really high-end.

I've said it from the beginning. Do not be led by Jamie. It's very misleading. God, can you imagine if we actually met better? She's like, the interpretation of me on the podcast is not entirely... I find it laughable. Yes, I like a drink, but don't we all?

And I've never drunk Chardonnay in my life. Jim Thompson opened the kitchen doors and out stalked the Hunts Girls. Huh? Who? Hunts Girls. The famous Hunts Girls. The regional sales managers cheered with delight as the four beauties pushed their way onto the dance floor. Would everybody stop pushing and shoving?

Have some manners. Cajoling. Have they been hired or are they invited? I think they've been hired. Yeah, they're about to do an act. Okay. The Huntsgirls. Oh, the Huntsgirls.

Oh, the Huntsgirls. Sorry, sorry. The regional sales managers cheered with delight as the four beauties pushed their way onto the dance floor and started to mingle by pushing their ample bosoms everywhere and anywhere. Stop pushing. I will not tell you again.

Everywhere and anywhere. Everywhere and anywhere. One of the Hunts girls called Doris slapped... Doris Hunt. How old are they? Doris Hunt. One of the Hunts girls called Doris... Using girl loosely, yeah.

...wheeled her way to the stage. One of the Hunt's girls called Doris slapped Des Martin lightly on the cheek. Oh, God. He laughed and apologised and asked... What? Sorry. For getting in her way.

Maybe he was disrespecting his elders. He laughed and apologised and asked another hunts girl what her name was. Oh, God. Such a bag load of hunts girls. Don't be so nosy. Where are they from? I've decided they're going to be Scottish.

Oh, good. I don't even care. Don't be so nosy. That's the first question you ask someone when you meet them, their first name. Nosy, nosy. None of your goddamn business. The Hunts girls are insane.

Hello, what's your name? Oh, dear. Oh, lady never tells. Don't be so nosy. But seeing it's you sexy I'm called Joan Joan Hunt Joan and Doris Hunt Oh my god

It's a wonder they're still alive They're 107 They're older than Cedric They're doing songs from the First World War Does anyone know this one? There's Glenn Miller on a loop. He's my candy bar. What floor is your sex toy department on?

It's an emergency. She demanded. Third floor, ma'am. Oh, straight away. Just behind the tassel collection, but before the topiary scissors. Third floor, ma'am. Just behind the tassel collection, but before the topiary scissors. Replied a handsome butler in training.

You're a lifesaver. Merry Christmas, she shouted as she hopped aboard the escalator. On floor three, she browsed the collection of bottom plugs and rectal trinkets with concentration. Bottom plugs? Bottom plugs and rectal trinkets. Rectal trinkets does make it sound lovely. She was quite taken with how tinsel had been ludicrously draped all over them but as she looked longer a tightening feeling in her stomach quickly extended to her left breast nipple.

So what what would that be then? That stomach ache is going to... Heartburn? Yeah, maybe. It was always that nipple when something wasn't quite right. I suppose we've heard of it. Yeah, we thought we knew her body intimately by this point. But then Belinda saw the limited edition. Oh, here we go. Festively wrapped upon purchase. That's in brackets.

Favourite piece exclusive to Harold's of London in the very centre of the sex toy department of Harold's of London. There's no doubt where we are. There, in all its glory, sat on a miniature fake bed was a very long and very thick dildo. Oh God, how long and how thick? Belinda had never seen anything quite like it. Oh no. Despite her years of extensive research in the area,

in large, thick, Christmassy writing. Written with a big pen the store exclaimed behold your lord the Yule log lover oh lord log

that sounds very thick well a log is long as well isn't it the Yule log lover the Yule log lover how many people are buying the Yule log lover realistically well it's limited edition I imagine maybe there's even just that one yeah and it's festively wrapped upon purchase isn't it? The Yule Log Lover. The Yule Log Lover. How many people are buying the Yule Log Lover realistically? Well, it's limited edition. I imagine maybe

there's even just that one. Yeah, and it's festively wrapped upon purchase. Whether you like it or not. Belinda dove into his pubes running the ringlet. Dove into his pubes? It's Christmas.

Belinda dove into his pubes running the ringlets through her fingers like grated carrot. That is one of the grossest things I've ever heard. Oh, my God. What? Oh, my God. What did she dive in there? Her hand or her face?

Put her hand in his pubes. And it felt like grated carrot. It's all like twirling she's just like twiddling it on her finger but you know when you like peel a bit of like carrot and it like goes like into a oh my christ is that Abbey Road security

I think we're getting escorted out running the ringlets pubes aren't ringlets well they kind of are ringlets aren't they I guess it depends how thick the thicket is corkscrew curls for you James oh why would you run your hands through it also jamie's hair is in ringlets and has a little ginger oh my god tinge so if you imagine that we call that grated carrot imagine that just imagine the grated carrot

running the ringlets grated carrot it's not like grated carrot. Yeah. Peeled, maybe. Grated. I actually thought that you could ask for anything and it was free. I guess when you're like six, you think that Santa's bringing it. So I guess it is free in your mind. Because obviously it's just your parents. Not to shatter that illusion for anyone listening to this. I mean, if you listen to this podcast at the bottom, you should probably know that santa's not real your childhood's already ruined so i think i got into my teens before i let go of santa are you fucking joking no shut up what do you mean

when you say let go let go what am i saying were you in denial or did you know an older sibling too, so did your sister? My sister told me. I bet Kelly knew at like five. Oh my God, your little sister being like, James, sit down, he's chosen me. Yeah, it was part like wanting to go on, like I was just a child who loved the magic of it all. James, you weren't a child. I was just a university student that loved the magic of it all was there a family intervention oh my god did you believe in Santa when we met you

no no no no no no but did everybody gather around and then did you walk in the room and it was just loads of members of your family no no my sister like just one day like offhand was just like James you know Santa's not real and I was like of course um but yeah I I don't get me wrong like I had questions before I was but I went I just don't get me wrong I was curious um and I think I've said before like the handwriting on Santa's card looks suspiciously like my auntie's and things like that but I just went along with it because I liked it Jamie do you know the thing that worries me all he said is teen he hasn't said where about I said 12 or 13 I'm really starting to wish I hadn't no one listened to this today hopefully not not anymore a few years ago I can't believe you're at secondary school that could have been devastating

Jamie edit this out sounds like. I wish I controlled the edit. Benny, Bella's brother was undressing into his PJs and nightcap. Nightcap? He wears a nightcap? Were you really winking? That's such a turn off. What would you do if you went to sleep with somebody and they wore a nightcap? Well, pyjamas, full stop.

I'm a bit like... There's nothing wrong with pyjamas. I mean, I wear a big woolly jumper, famously, so... Yeah, but do you wear, like... I imagine you wear, like, a shirt and trousers and pyjamas. Do you? Yeah. Eyemask? Yeah, I do quite favour an eyemask, yeah. I knew it. Nipple tassels? Only tonight.

It was an X-mas miracle. Benny, Bella's brother, was undressing into his PJs and nightcap. As he bent down to remove his designer smalls, Belinda got a full-blown view of his starker's rump. Ooh. Rump.

Well, tickle me stink, Belinda delivered. Is that a command? Well, tickle me stink. Tickle me stink. That's gross. Does that mean what I think it means? What? Well, why do you think it's gross?

Tickle me stink. Well, tickle me pink is when you tickle someone until they go red. Oh, I've never known what that means. Yeah, me neither. Tickle me until I'm like, that has tickled me pink. That has made me go red. That has made me laugh and go red. Laugh, right, okay. So tickle me pink. That has made me go red. That has made me laugh and go red. Laugh, right, okay.

So tickle me stink. That's made me laugh and what, shit myself? Or like fart? Well, I think it's because he's got his bum out, but I don't know. Oh, I was hearing it as tickle my stink. Tickle my stink. Yeah. But she can see his stink.

So why would she be saying tickle me stink? We all just stopped saying stink. Tickle me stink. A mighty spruce stood in the great hall as tall as the ceiling. Is it like the Hogwarts great hall? Yeah, I imagine that. Oh, lovely. Very Christmassy, very festive.

Thousands of candles balanced on its branches. Fucking hell. I don't think so. It's the bullshit alarm. Can we just think about the logistics of lighting and balancing thousands of candles on a tall spruce tree? Mighty spruce, please. Mighty. Even bigger than I thought. I'll tell you what. There's nothing like a dried out pine tree to go up.

It's oily as fuck, that. That's just going to... That is quite literally... It's kindling. It's like fanning the flames. Thousands of candles balanced on its branches. Oh, God. Come on.

Think about it. Balance. If it said, like, in holders of some sort but balance thousands of candles balanced on its branches and the tree was decorated with artifacts that dated back to henry the eighth's reign of hedonism oh really more wood for the fire you'd think they'd be in a museum but no stick them on the tree next to all the naked flames can we just remember whose tree it is as well it's the Duchess's so there'll probably be

dildos hanging over it oh yeah she has a dildo necklace is it or the one you know the one with the clamps sexual jewellery yeah so there'll be all this kind of clampage all over it

all present licked her nipples clean and proceeded to venture deep into her, Belinda's secret garden. Secret garden! It ain't no secret, sweetheart. Is the boy in the wheelchair there? Oh, God.

Please let him out, Maggie Smith. Mary Lennox needs to get the key to the garden how do you remember that I don't know but I do he was a very sickly little boy wasn't he he used to cry every night oh my god

do you remember that bit when she couldn't understand Yorkshire I've never seen it I've never read the book I don't know what you do oh it's a classic Christmas movie oh my god I don't know what

is there a vagina in it is the secret garden behind a vagina I don't think it's a metaphor for a vagina I think it's a classic Christmas movie. I don't know. Is there a vagina in it? Is the secret garden behind a vagina? I don't think it's a metaphor for a vagina. I think it's literally just a secret garden, isn't it? Yeah. I think it's just a garden no one knows about. And it was locked up because the man who owns the big manor house, his wife died and it was her favourite garden

and he couldn't bear to look at it. But then Mary Lennox moves in and discovers the key to it because of the groundsman. Stop watching it so often. I've not watched it in years. Me neither. Okay, so she finds the garden. And she also finds a sickly little boy who basically...

Who's trapped in the garden. He's not trapped in the garden, but he lives in the same house. And he's hidden. He's hidden, like the secret garden. Why is everyone hidden? He's hidden because he's not well and he can't take any commotion. He's got commotionitis. And they basically have boarded up the windows, which is terrible.

He makes friends with a bird. What the fuck is this film? And then what happens? He dies. Does he die? Oh, does he die? I don't know. Or maybe he dies, but then the old man...

Too much commotion. Too much commotion. Maybe he doesn't die, but does Maggie Smith die? Someone dies. And then someone gets better and then the man who owns it finds the garden nice again and then it's no longer a secret. That sounds shit.

We've wandered off topic somewhat. Suffice to say, this is very different to the film. Who were you guys in the nativity? Come on. I was Jesus once as a baby. How old were you? A baby. Oh, right. Okay.

I was seven years old. What were you, James? I was Joseph. Of course he was. So smug being Joseph. So gay. Well, you know, immaculate conception and all that. Well, exactly. It all makes sense now and also his hair was always absolutely perfect on fleek his hair was on fleek honestly and it was really hot

and where was it nazareth nazareth oh man um yeah i played joseph and i remember my line she tells me that she's pregnant and obviously i'm surprised because i'm gay. Like, not possible. So wait, in your version, were you just like a great gal pal to Mary? Yeah, we'd like go on a gay night out. And so she tells me she's pregnant, and then I obviously have to react and be surprised. And I just, I like literally stepped back

and leaned back and went, that's great, Mary, but we have to go to Bethlehem. And the teacher was like, James, it's a little bit hammy. It's a little bit too much. So I kept trying to tone it down, but I couldn't. I mean, it's the performer in me. I couldn't help it.

I'm just imagining you, that gasp would have been like. Oh no, she didn't. You did what? You did what, girl? Gas queen. Obviously Joseph wasn't gay. We're totally joking. Yeah, obviously.

But like Metro. What did you play, Al? I was... Oh, this won't surprise you. Hang on, can we guess? Okay. If she was a butcher in Oliver, she's probably like... Were you like a sheep?

A bull. Some wretched animal just being dragged out of the manger to make room for the baby alright a plump sheep ready for the slaughter I bet she was a freaking innkeeper who had no room you so were do you know what my friend at work

she was the PA to the innkeeper that's not in the story assistant to the innkeeper literally like I've checked and there's no room, my darling. She's on like bookings.com. Not even a twin. Computer says no. What about a shared bathroom?

But they said no. They just weren't happy. I was narrator. Oh, of course you were. Thing is, she wouldn't have even had to learn lines. I bet she just held the book in her hands and just had to read it. Clipboard. Clipboard!

I love a clipboard. James, stop spoiling Christmas Day. Now, Jamie, you're a man of the theatre. It's well documented on the show. So are there any kind of pre-show rituals we should be doing

to make sure it's a good night at the panto? Vocal warm-ups? Do you do stretches? Are there things that thesp say to one another? Because I know, obviously, you don't call it you call it the Scottish play. sure it's a good night at the panto vocal warm-ups oh yeah stretches are there kind of other things that thesp say to one another because i know obviously you don't call it you call it the you know the scottish play um are there any other superstitions you know you should never whistle

in the theater why why is that it's bad luck um so is putting a peacock feathers at the door. Oh, shit. Do they do a kind of metal detection test and then they go like, and I will actually have to pat you down for peacock feathers. What are the origins? The peacock thing, what's the origin of that?

I think it's because they, you know, they have that kind of like circle in them and a lot of like, this is old school actors call it the evil eye. Is that what Val Harris called it? Is that who you learned it from? Vicky Lane said it a lot. like this is old school actors call it the evil eye is that what Val Harris called it is that who learned it from Vicky Lane said it a lot how does he say it with such a straight face I think it goes back to like um Plato and stuff it's quite an old right ancient tradition really yeah Plato quite old yeah what do they do on like Priscilla Queen of the Desert because that's like full of feathers and there are other ones that are

from like really old times so well you're to fair, all your mates were from really old times. So go on. So I was taught you can never apply your makeup with a rabbit's foot. These are just common... That's common sense. That's not a true theatre tradition. That's just bad methodology. Well, because it is good luck to keep a rabbit's foot in the makeup box.

But I also heard that it's bad luck to knit backstage in the wings uh god what other one there were loads i wonder how he knows these do you think he's just been like knitting a jumper on the side of the stage you can't take your peacock home my nana would always be fast asleep and we'd be like, okay, fine, we'll just watch something on TV. Change the channel. Immediately she'd know. Immediately. And one year we just said,

do you know what, we're not going to do it. We're just going to just power through. Don't care what Nana says. So we changed the channel and she was like, where's downtown? I want downtown on. Downton Abbey, everybody. No one even looked at her.

We just like, eyes on the TV. But downtown. I need downtown. When's it on? When's it on, Wilma? My auntie was there and she cracked and she goes, it's on now. Well, why aren't we watching?

I love it when people snap. I love it when they break. They get to breaking point. It's too good. Nannas can be superhuman when it comes to the TV. I remember my grandma used to be sat at the Christmas table for lunch. She'd hear the first few bars of the Coronation Street theme tune. She ran like Mo Farah to the living room.

I've never seen anything like it. It was the only time we'd ever see her run. Honestly. Ah, Christmas. Ah, Christmas. For there, sitting there, nervous as a couple of virgins, sat Peter and Christina Rouse. In the fertility clinic, okay.

I cannot wait to hear Rocky deal with what I imagine is going to be quite an emotional, delicate subject of difficulty with fertility. Excuse me, lovely couple who I've never met. She winked to spoons. It's me. Oh yeah, good one, B. May I ask the source of your problem?

No, you may fuck off. Who are you? The couple looked up at this stunning stranger. It is me, I'm afraid, miss. I'm impotent. Peter Rouse is impotent. Oh, is that all? Belinda shrugged. I work with loads of impotent people, I wouldn't worry. How does she know that?

What's going on? No! Cried Christina. He can't get it up. Right. Okay. Bear with it, guys. Come on.

Okay, keep going. Keep this train on the track. Christmas cheer. Christmas cheer. Holidays are coming. Holidays are coming. Oh, God. You must believe in it.

You must believe in it. So, basically, when Peter has sex in this universe, no friend angels are getting their wings. Never. Not one. And she's upset and they're sobbing in Dutch. Belinda was amazed. Oh oh have no fear madam may i try something on your hub she spoke sure is a soothsayer anything we're desperate who's that the rouse is said in unison oh put that together let's hope they never speak in unison ever again should we do al okay so you're christina and peter anything we're desperate okay anything we're desperate

smiling belinda pulled up her festive mini skirt and showed peter her fleshy fruit of fertility her fleshy fruit of fertility. Oh, my wood. I feel something, Peter exclaimed. This is so deeply offensive. The suggestion being that their fertility issue is that Christina can't make Peter hard. It's gross. Yeah. And that all that was required

was for him to look at someone sexy. That's not a fertility issue. A fertility issue isn't like, yeah, we've done the test. You don't fancy your wife. Your wife's a minger. A fertility issue isn't like, yeah, we've done the test, you don't fancy your wife. Your wife's a minger. Nothing we can do about that, I'm afraid. Plastic surgery?

We think a rhinoplasty and an eye lift and then you should be able to have twins. Either you go blind or she changes her face completely. You choose. The card read, for the juices of your choice, love and light, your Duchess. Oh, it read it in the Duchess' voice. It's nice that, it's a nice touch.

It's like when people leave a letter for somebody in a soap opera, but it's in their voice. In their voice, yeah. What did it say, love and light? For the juices of your choice. I like for the juices of your choice. Love and light, your Duchess. Namaste, the Duchess. Yeah.

Yeah, love and light. It's very peace and love, isn't it? Yeah, she started yoga or something, apparently. Belinda nearly dropped the glistening artifact in her shame. Fuck's sake. Oh, no. There's a number one next to the O. Because Scott's a fresh shift.

Oh, fresh shift. Unless he's writing no one. Oh, maybe. Oh, no one. So we're going to say that's an exclamation mark. Oh, we've all done that. Come on. Especially when you write loads of exclamation marks.

Yeah, because there's always a one at the end. There's quite a lot of O's, so you've just probably got very excited. It's a tricky business, this typing malarkey. Versatility was Bella's bro's passion, and he moved his Christmas cracker into her front hole. Front hole. There's no metaphor there.

It's just the front hole. He's checking out. The organisms were orgasming. I hate them being called organisms. That sounds like bacteria. The organisms were orgasming. And within the next 48 seconds, Benny, Bella's brother, came pre-people.

Came pre-people. Pre-people! Oh! Pre-people. Pre-people. The looks around this table. Pre-people. I have no words. That's awful that's awful horrible what was he thinking

i've said sperm what's the next stage of sperm i feel like he's never said sperm though you could say sperm it's always called like wallpaper paste or bread sauce, yeah. As his salty sauce rushed up her oestrogen estuary. Oh my God, stop it. Just stop it. Merry Christmas, everyone. Goodbye. Not before long, she plunged her fingers deep and started frigging her figgy pudding.

Friggy pudding? Friggy pudding. Friggy pudding's actually quite clever. He didn't write that. He didn't do that, yeah. That's actually really good. He didn't do that. I mean, it was there on the page for him and he didn't take the opportunity. I feel like this should be treated as a workshop So we should be workshopping the writing And then come up with what the chapter should be

Yeah yeah so she plunged her fingers And gave us some freaky pudding That's great Well done James She opened her perfect legs apart Opened her perfect legs apart Good yeah good Nothing to see here.

Carry on. That checks out. Yeah. She opened her perfect legs apart, showing off her slowly parting lids. Seven something parts. Everything's apart. As they peeled back. Ugh.

What? Peeled. Peeled. The Duchess thirstily licked her chops Chops? Chops Whose chops? Her own Okay

I thought you meant Belinda's chops I don't call them chops Maybe it is I don't know I've heard of beef curtains I've never heard of lamb chops What's with all the knockers and chops? As they peeled back

The Duchess thirstily licked her chops. As Belinda groaned, the Duchess hummed, watching her perspiring pussy meet. Oh! That's disgusting! Sweaty pussy meat Pussy meat and chops

Oh my god That's just awful down there That is cat meat that's been left out of the fridge Left out of the fridge Oh my god That just genuinely made some sick come into my mouth. Aspiring pussy meat is actually making me... Oh, it just came up again.

I can't stop it. No, Dad, that is... So it's clammy pussy meat. Oh my God. Here's what I picture. Spam. A bit of a hacked up spam. You know how you need the key to open the can?

Oh, God. Comes out in a cube. That's what I'm picturing. And it's sweaty when it comes out of the can. It's perspiring. Don't. Honestly, I'm getting something. Your eyes are watering.

So the Duchess hummed, watching her... It hummed. That meat hummed. Honestly, put it straight in the middle. It's very high. Very high, that meat the duchess hummed watching her perspiring i'm so sorry i'm not joking i have a sip of water i'm so sorry i'm so sorry one sec it's not making me feel well at all just when it was deemed wet enough. Oh, God. The Duchess twisted the thick candy cane

into her mistress. I do so love the X-mas traditions. I'm sorry. Not an X-mas tradition in anyone's house. Oh, my God. I honestly, I don't feel good. Belinda's tits shook with lust.

For Santa. Whilst her nipples harded in anticipation. Harded? My nipples have harded. Whilst her nipples harded in anticipation of what Mr Claus was about to do with her body. Oh, God. Her cervix tightened automatically. Don't.

I mean, that's the least of my worries. We wish you a merry cervix. And a happy uterus. Each one of them needed a fuck as much as the other, and no one, yes, no one, was going to stop them now. Okay, two things. One, I'm pretty sure that Santa needs more of a fuck than Belinda.

I don't want to cast aspersions on his sex life. But I'm going to say... It's cold up in Lackland. Papa Noel probably needs... Santa comes but once a year. That's what it means. Oh, no! Father Christmas comes but once a year. Oh, no! Father Christmas comes once a year.

Oh, very good. They lay there, sweat dripping down their curves. It was the Duchess to break the hush of breathing. I can't remember the last time I was touched like that but i'm confused does this make me a lesbian i spat everywhere sorry thanks that doesn't make her a lesbian no makes you bisexual um so she's like but i'm confused does this make me a lesbian? Oh, Gertrude, Belinda replied.

Labels are for gifts under the tree. Never for those who are sexually free. Yes, Rocky. Belinda slash Rocky. Yeah, love that. Put that on a t-shirt. What was it? Labels are for gifts under the tree.

Never for those who are sexually free. Really like that. Really like that. Really like that. Is there time to add that to the Christmas merch line? Seriously, that'll fly off the shelves. He's learning. He's learning, isn't he? And poetry.

Yeah, it's quite good that, I think. Better than some of your rhymes, actually, James. How dare you? How dare you? I was 10. With credit to him, though, he's always been about the labelless life. Totally. I think mainly because it probably just all confuses him quite a lot.

So he's like, I just won't comment on it. You be whatever you want to be. It's easier for me that way. More material. It was Christmas. Yes. Have a good one. Sorry.

Was this a whole thing? Basically an out of office? It was Christmas. Have a good one. Weirdest Christmas card ever. And here's a little bit of Christmas unheard content. Actually, speaking of that, in your house when you were younger, and actually now, were you taught that it was very important that when you bought somebody a present, it was a surprise?

We were never encouraged to ask for anything specific, actually. We always would ask for surprises, mainly because my parents couldn't afford the things that we'd have wanted. You'll get surprises um then no one's disappointed that way because i remember my brother being really excited that you bought me a present and my the present for me was just getting him into trouble so i said oh like just so you know like nana's got me the louise album on cd so as long as you've not got me that because it felt like that you know like under the tree it was like square it's louise louise the um this is the naked era it was naked yeah it was louise louise the um this is the naked era

it was naked yeah it was the album naked international listeners um i think her only album i think so yeah although she has come back recently oh fantastic she was in eternal right big fan of eternal was a big fan and max was like oh no oh but and i went so you've got it for me and then i went ma'am max has just told me what he's got me for Christmas. Had. I'm so not surprised because that is how you live your life today. Oh, via Little Rat. And he hasn't forgotten it because he was so devastated because he'd really, like, hyped up to the grand reveal of Louise Naked.

Speaking of gifts, I actually have your birthday present still in this house, which I know was six months ago, but I forgot to give it to you. Do you want it now? Is this a joke? It is real. You'll think it's a joke, but it had a heartfelt meaning to me. Is this a rotten basket of fruit or something?

Bear with. You better not have got me Louise on CD. It's funny what that story reminded me of. It's not Louise on CD. Quite a bit. It's Britney Spears on vinyl. Britney Spears on vinyl? Do you know why?

What a girl. Thank you. Because... I cannot wait for this explanation. When we're backstage before a show, Alice's go-to song to play is Sometimes. Yes, we do love Sometimes. And I was like, just to always remember that you

now can play it on your vinyl machine and it's got a picture of britney printed on the actual vinyl it's quite an iconic image super rare this is what i had to like get it from america super super rare well free britney she's free oh my goodness thank you so much jamie and i will of course bring a vinyl player with us on tour so that we can play from the original as she intended for it to be heard on the crackly vinyl just going back to the um surprises as presents oh sorry yes that doesn't really happen in my house everyone very specifically knows what they want and asks for it and expects it okay in fact I we we do like a round robin email chain where everyone like puts their Christmas list on it. And I had my stepdad's request. For this year?

For this year, the other day. Oh my God, amazing. Both of these, I was like, what are they? First one, bike carrier for Kia hatchback for two times bikes. That's so dad. How brand specific. Second, card models from Brookfield Garden Centre. Card models?

What's a card model? Card model. That's it. That is it. From where? Brookfield Garden Centre. It's near. Congratulations for the shout out.

It's in Nottingham. It's a lovely garden centre. James is hoping to get a little dizzy on that one. He just read those out so they'll bring them to him for free. He doesn't have to pay for them. Oh, look, we just got a DM from Kia. I've got some hanging baskets does that not take all the excitement out of christmas morning yes you know what's the point because i'm like buying me a surprise yeah just like one

person gets somebody and then somebody so everyone only gets one gift oh yeah it's a secret santa situation right okay got even less exciting one thing you know what it is great it all came out there didn't it gosh wow hang on here's the ultimate test

you still got that vinyl I actually do oh she's got it yeah I do I've got all the vinyls because Rocky's a big vinyl

gifter as well yes very good vinyl actually you'd think it would be sort of novelty right always good stuff do you have a vinyl player i do you have a cd player for louise sadly no i couldn't tell you where that is now although my brother will be completely thrilled that justice has been served and everybody knows what a vicious little toad i am he finally come clean he actually talks about it quite often. Like he refers to it. Really, Max? Get over it.

You need to let it go, babe. But it was a nasty thing to do. It's a nasty piece of work. Nasty woman. Nasty woman. And James, did you buy the Kia bike carrier? I think that was from 2021, if that helps. Oh my God, all right, archivist.

Jesus, thank God someone's on it. Just because you were about to go on tour. Do you mean you know from the audio or you always know because you know what James' stepdad gets for Christmas? Do you know what? I've got him again this year. Oh God, I shouldn't say that because...

Oh James, he's not listening to this. That's true. Well, this year he wants a coffee machine. Oh bloody hell. Wow. A Bosch coffee machine. And what do you want? Some cardboard?

Cardboard last year. I'm like, what up to the stepdad of the past? He wants a bloody sage so he can do his barista impression. Seriously? I said he wants a bloody sage so he can get his barista impression. Alice, stop trying to spunk on Mike. She's jizzing everywhere today. I haven't done my secret Santa list this year.

I need to send mine to tell him. What do I want? Alice, I've got everything I need. Hashtag blessed. You like smelly things don't you you like expensive smelly things

I feel like you like quite expensive clothes I have got into candles recently what I will say is if you do get a posh candle this Christmas you only need to burn it for half an hour at a time

okay that is my recommendation is that true that is as they are designed to be used you are wasting your own money if you're continuing to burn them after that

they will hang on that's actually a massive life hack what you're supposed to burn them for half an hour and blow them out why because they're supposed to that that's supposed to emit that gives you all you need for a bit yeah to keep burning it is to sort of like overdo it so just emit for a bit emit for a bit is my mantra so hang on so how long does that bit last for look how interesting i've literally never seen him so interested he's writing things down i'm so out of my depth already i love it like so what's the science behind that and i'm like burning so like for you you would

burn it for half an hour then leave it but suppose you've got people like here all evening would you leave it for two hours then stop burning it again for half an hour no i think i might set fire to it while they're here set fire to it okay that's not proper parlance um pop it again for half an hour. No, I think I might set fire to it while they're here. Set fire to it? Okay, that's not proper parlance. Pop it out half an hour after that. I don't think I'd be relighting that. Really? I might have a decorative non-scented candle out

for everyone to enjoy, but I don't need to be burning that. I thought you'd swap it out, you sneaky little bitch. So don't listen to take that. Don't relight your fire. For God's sake, don't. Don't relight your fire. I'm a full circle.

From Britney to Louise to take that. It really is Christmas. And Patti LaBelle. Yeah. It's been the musical episode, everyone. I might have just checked it. What? I think it might be bullshit.

What, the omit for a bit? Forbes says I'm wrong. Oh. What does it say? It says, first time you burn it it should be for two to three hours and then it says

make sure you're never burning for just 20 minutes oh right try to get at least an hour you're talking out your arse

I don't know where did I get that from do you have any Christmas tips well actually Christmas Eve we always do a beef Wellington. And the secret to that is chopping your mushrooms so tiny that it basically becomes a paste.

And you do a lovely Wellington. Actually, what you need to get is the Wellington tool. I'm sorry? There's a special tool that goes over your pastry. You know when you do the little dashed lines in it? Yeah. There's a roller which makes the dashed lines very even so when you open up the pastry jacket that goes on the wellington it's perfect oh wow that's a

great tip but i don't believe a word that comes out your mouth and you must never cook a wellington for more than half an hour turkey can be eaten raw sushi Sushi turkey, anybody? I'm going straight to Diptyque to ask them where I got this from. There we go. Knew there'd be a fucking shout out at the end. Right, well, our gift to you was this hour away from your family. Or maybe it brings the families together. Who knows?

But we've got to wrap it up at some point. So I think all that remains to say is... Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. And Alice? Happy New Year. Yes. Oh. And happy is... Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. And Alice? Happy New Year. Yes. Oh. And happy holidays, et cetera.

Happy holidays. Yeah. To you and yours. To you and yours. One, two, three. To you and yours.