My Dad Wrote A Porno - The Best Of (And Unheard Bits) - Part Two

Episode Date: August 27, 2023

Jamie, Alice and James choose their favourite moments from the 'Porno' archive as well as playing some exclusive never-before-heard bits. In this episode, the gang look back on their funniest sex, relationship and body stories. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to the best of my dad wrote a porno. It's part two. We're still doing this guys This is becoming like a little tradition, you know once a month we get around the mics again So there's still enough stuff I didn't say that. Oh, sorry So last time we we kind of delved into You know, once a month we get around the mics again. So there's still enough stuff to keep going. Well, I didn't say that. Oh, sorry. So last time we kind of delved into childhood stories, if you recall. Yes.

And this time I thought... Sorry, let me just salute the air cadets as they're passing by. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, honestly. I'm not talking about anything else from my youth anymore. Don't say that. Alice, there's more, but there isn't time. So this time I thought we'd delve into's more, but there isn't time. So, this time

I thought we'd delve into some more sexy stuff. Yes, it's sex, relationships, bodies even, dating, all of that sort of shit. But us, not the books. Because I think you said this a lot, Al, that for people

that do a show called My Dad Wrote a Porno, we are maybe the three prudish people in London. I think we got better as it went along, but certainly, yeah. Our eyes were opened. Yeah, I've learned a lot. And people share so much. I don't know if you found that. People, you know, that you meet in the street and they say, oh, I love the show.

And then they talk about their sex life very openly. Yes. Almost like we're kind of agony aunts so that we can help in some way. But we absolutely can't. Yeah. I don't even like taking my top off so we don't see that in the street just listen to them well you're famously a uh is it a never nude from a writer development i think we said that before no i'm not a self-proclaimed never nude right i think i think you've joked like yeah but i'm just really funny about like public nude i mean i'd never go naked in a sauna or anything like that and i feel like a prude.

I feel like I'm the one in the wrong. I wish I was a bit more like, oh yeah, let's just get it all out and run around. We've been to Scandinavia as a three and you will remember that you have to be naked in the saunas there. Yeah. I just don't go in then. You on the other hand. I love it. I love it.

You love it. I don't. You'll show anyone who wants to look. I went to a naked sauna with my brother actually and I'm sorry what

sorry are you joking okay sorry there's a boy and a girl section so obviously you're separated for that bit okay

and then yeah the changing rooms but then when you come out to like jump in the lake to go in the ice lake bit after that is naked so we just

I'm sorry I mean we've joked before like i mean you fancy your brother what is it they always say i really wish i could take my brother but he's gay yeah i cannot believe you and your brother went in a naked lake together. So to be clear, to be clear, there are two sets of steps off the jetty into the water. Oh, well, that's fine then. Because once you're on the other steps, you cannot see your brother's dick. So we made a pact that we'd not look, close our eyes and get in the water. And then when we got out, go back, not back to back, like body to body.

But like turn our backs on each other, then put our robes on, then turn around. So you didn't really see anything? I didn't see anything but what a shame what a shame oh god stop you give me the heck but yeah it's it's a different thing in sweden they're just like there with their families they just love it so healthy though isn't it oh my god it makes you realize how repressed and fucked up we are in britain like we have such a weird relationship with our bodies and i just thought that was like young people have hang-ups everywhere no no no britain is mad for it i was in spain uh literally a couple weeks ago with some friends and they just couldn't handle the nude beach one of them called it the willy wash beach i'm like no no it's just human beings

on a beach just being completely normal. Like you're the one that's got a weird hang up here. It's not. The idea of a tanned penis just like blows my mind. Can you imagine? Look how brown that is. It's an all over tan. Oh God.

I've never thought about that. Yeah. Would you have to put sun cream on it? Surely? Oh yeah. Oh God. Probably like factor 50 as well. Yeah, more than normal.

Yeah, probably. Certainly for mine, it's never seen the light. It's never seen the light of day it's like quasimodo and very sensitive skin and the balls oh lather them up well they are in shade well endowed your brother is maybe put a little cap on your balls just to like... A cap? You know, like you put a hat on your head. Slip, slap, slop.

Just put a little cap on your balls. A Panama hat maybe. Yes. Go full Duchess with your penis. Yeah. I mean, so yeah, this episode is kind of about this. Not this specifically, obviously. You know, like dating stories, all that sort of stuff i told a lot of

dating stories you were the most kind of you share the most on this pod i feel like you know al and i don't really share that much well i mean in a kind of sad way i feel that's because we don't have as much to share as james you had a kind of wonderful what a storied history i was a really good run there for a while you were on dates like like maybe like five days out of seven to the point where i was getting texts if i would talk about someone on the podcast i'd then get a text no was that about me no oh my god no not you dear oh my god someone else he's the taylor swift of the podcast gays oh my god and these greatest hits are my ears tall do you think that maybe that stopped people from dating you because they thought they might appear on the podcast or

encouraged it if they wanted their five minutes oh that's so true you did date well someone once that maybe was into the fame of it all do we never talk about that i don't think we've talked about it well he was so weird about it do you remember okay so i don't talk about it oh i don't think you're gonna okay it's been a long time well we've got time to fill so i might as well um yeah i dated a porn star is too strong oh my god a poor actor well it wasn't like lisa minnelli of porn that That's the only put celebrity I can think of right now. Wow. I mean, Liza Minnelli. Who is the most famous actress in the world? He's really true to his brand.

Let's give him that. He wasn't the Liza Minnelli of porn. No. So who was he of porn, would you say? Oh, good question, Alan. Well, he wasn't an... He was just a porn actor. Like the woman that plays Gail Platt of porn.

Yeah. Okay, yeah. Let's go with that. No, she... Have you seen Joe Liza's portrait? Actually, No, she... Have you seen Jo Lysa's portrait? Actually, yeah. She's very famous. Like, not famous.

Maybe somebody who'd been in, like, a couple of episodes of, like, Doctors and, you know, like, some daytime sex. Or like X on the Beach. Yes, lovely. Like a reality star, but not quite the Love Island level. Well, yeah. Finding their feet, making their name. It was still early doors.

Okay. So he never told me. I knew. I found out. He never told me he was a performer. Okay, excuse me. Wait, wait, wait. You found out?

Yes, my friend told me. Sure. I don't know how they knew. Friend. I was on a website listing the names, but no images, of adult performers. So hang on. Sorry. Pull back.

Out. So to speak. Pull pull out let's not let's not interrupt for just five seconds let him kind of give us the whole story so how did you meet him I love that he says that when he's I know I'm sorry I have been doing it I am as guilty as anyone but James I met him on an app a dating app yeah and then yeah i was i was a few weeks into seeing him and someone said oh you know he had a he had a nom de porn oh really i don't suppose you can i can't remember it i would love to tell you but i can't actually i wouldn't love to tell you but i feel like it was like dubois or something like it was like a bit it was a bit like Frenchy at the end. Oh, lovely. Oh, okay. And that's obviously not what he introduced himself to you as. No, of course not.

I didn't date him for that long, but I just thought it was a funny story. The obvious question. What? Have you watched any of his work? Yes, of course. Like I had to like, once I knew his name, Dubois or whatever it was.

Alice, he had to do his due diligence. I mean, you'd be seeing it all anyway, I'm assuming. I mean, you would though yeah no of course yeah yeah you would absolutely would because he came to a birthday dinner of yours well that's james's signature move as we know yeah true if james has been on two dates with somebody they're coming to the birthday meal you also know that when it goes to that birthday meal you're not going to see him again and also i think we dated for like eight weeks we also went away

for a weekend so like we did it all in like like unlike you um so the number of people i've met at those birthday meals that i'm like oh i actually really like them well tough because i'll tell you what you are not going to see them but in a way like you dated a porn star whilst you were not never but while you were a porn star because you're kind of one of the stars of my dad wrote a porno thank you and um what are you the michelle and uh yes and no who was the fourth one you're not latoya uh so you were kind of like a porn power couple in i guess so for those for those brief eight weeks yeah but yeah god i've dated everything magicians i've dated everything. Magicians. I've dated... Mainly magicians. Yeah, mainly magicians. Laurel magicians.

It's funny you say that because when I was on that weird dating app, do you remember that weird one I was on where you had to get approvals and things? It was all a bit much. I was on it for about 48 hours. But there was a disproportionate amount of illusionists. Really?

So many. All these single illusionists. What are they doing? What's the difference between an illusionist and a magician? And a fantasist, because there's a lot of those as well. I don't know, but I didn't... I wasn't immediately drawn to them, unlike you. I think it's quite...

A magician's quite a single life. Like, you have to be, like, in your little lab creating your magic tricks all the time. Is that what he told you? I've got to go to the lab. I also think magicians are a certain type of person. Like, they're super smart, but don't... I'm massively generalising about magicians are a certain type of person, like they're super smart, but don't massively generalise about magicians here.

Oh God, the magic circle's going to cancel. I'm saying nothing about this conversation. Go on. No, I don't know. Like, you know. They're what sort of people? It's a certain type of person. James, they're going to chop your legs off

and they are not going to put them back on. So I think it's time to delve into the best of My Dad Wrote a Porno, the sexy bits. Oh, this wasn't that. This is just a preamble. Right. Okay, understood. This is just, as James says, us filling time. Fine.

So yeah, enjoy. And also, there's an unheard bit, we should say, as well. Oh, yes, at the end, yes. Yes, so stay tuned, blah, blah, blah. Some swill. Her nipples were working overtime, and their ripe shape made him feel even more randy. Like avocados, you know, when they're ripe.

Do they feel like, do breasts feel like ripe avocados, or is that too... Do you think they would? Is that too hard? Fuck yeah. Is that too hard? Is a ripe avocado too hard for what a boob feels like? Do you think the exterior of an avocado feels like a human breast? Do you think crocodile skin is what Alice has underneath her top?

I'm thinking more the consistency than the come on. The consistency? No, thank you, Alice. No. Have you, Alice. Have a go. No. Have a little feel. Ooh.

Oh, my God. Have you never... I have never done that before. I feel really embarrassed. Have you never touched a breast before? I've never touched Alice's breast before. You can do that. With two fingers. I've gone from one to two.

It's not petting a dog. Oh, my God. Look at her spongy typewriter. All right. What do you think? The reviews are in. Seven. Fir spongy typewriter. All right. What do you think? The reviews are in. Seven. Firmer than you thought.

All right. I don't want to leave you. Perky, right? You thought they were close together with a great cleavage, yeah? A lot of air. Air? That's your first day. What do you mean, air?

A lot of air. I feel like you're poking a balloon. Do you know what I mean? Oh. Give. Do you need to go again? Well, I need one more. I've never felt more of a third wheel in my entire life.

Well, what's your vibe? Not an avocado. Well, quite right. That's all I wanted to do with this experiment. More like a... Oh, wait for it. Like a bag of water. Like a sack of water.

A water balloon is basically what you've described. A water balloon, yes. Yes, like a water balloon. To be fair, I'll take that. To be fair, I was only poking it with one finger. Do you want a full cup? No. Wow. Lovely. Love what you want a full cup? No. Wow.

Lovely. Love what you've got going on. Congratulations. Love what you've done with the place. Top notch. How have you guys been? Yes, good, thank you. Very good.

Yeah, not bad. I did get dumped last night. Oh, James! My bite text. Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh you absolute cow no but i just know that it's gonna be an absolute scandal by text by text do texts it's the modern world it's how it happens now everyone gets dumped by text well i certainly do more often than not you know it's coming when you get a text and not a whatsapp oh my god sms how cruel um yeah so i've been seeing him for like i don't know a couple of months like off

and on but he just went quite quiet on me and then last so i was gonna ask him how do you think things are going would you like to dump me basically preemptively dump and then he texts me and he was like you know uh i think you're really great blah blah but i got out of a relationship quite recently just a couple of months ago and to be honest I'm not really ready to be seeing anyone what? I know

and I was like why are we dating? what is the point? he knew that all the time though he'd known that the whole time but he didn't tell me deceptive little fucker James well I wouldn't go that far

still quite is he handsome? he's really really quite handsome he's actually the most beautiful boy I've ever seen anyway I was supposed to be seeing him tomorrow Well, I wouldn't go that far. I still quite... Is he handsome? He's really, really quite handsome. He's actually the most beautiful boy I've ever seen. Anyway, I was supposed to be seeing him tomorrow. Well, obviously that's not happening. Well, I was like, I won't... Yeah, I won't hold you to it.

And he was like, oh no, I'd still quite like to see you for a drink. What? No. I was like, why are we meeting? I was like, honestly, what is the point in all this? So, sorry, what? You're going on a date even though he dumped you? Well, no, it's more a drink because I want to... I was like honestly what is the point in all this so sorry what you're going on a date even though he dumped you

it's well no it's more a drink because I want to why are you a doormat I just want to like quiz him and be like

where's your head at really I really wouldn't I think just cut it dead to be honest with you what are you going to get out of it maybe a blowjob I don't know

blowjob and a free drink oh in that case go but don't don't litigate it too a free drink oh in that case go but don't don't litigate it too much james just move on you know literally the nicest man in the world gets dumped and then accepts an invitation to go out for drinks the next night to be like double dumped yeah oh wait will he then break up with you in person he's doubling down on the dump yeah he'll just he'll probably just give me more reasons exactly don't don't entertain it it's fine how great for your ego definitely go just think of happier things like belinda blinked oh yes this will take my mind off it

a friend of mine once went on a date with a guy first date and ended up going back to his and he came, he shouted, I can see into the future! Oh my god! No fucking way. Shut up. Shut up. This isn't true. It's true. It's one of my favourite stories. I can see into the future! And could he? Well, I don't think they had a second date, so I assume

that he wouldn't see her again. I see the other side of your front door, and me standing holding my clothes. I love this world we live in. I've got one here that says, are Jamie and Alice dating? Cats out of the bag. We are busted. Is it that obvious?

I wouldn't say dating, just bumping uglies. That's really not pleasant. They cannot keep their hands off each other. Yeah, I don't think we'd be that compatible, would we? I think we'd have a very fiery relationship. Very passionate. The highs would be high and the lows would be low. Some days we don't speak.

But my God, the kissing would be bitey. Oh my God, how much would I have to pay you to kiss me? It's too weird. You're like one of my sisters now. It's utterly odd, isn't it? Yeah. But James, you wouldn't have to pay me in planning. There's not enough money in the world.

I think round this table, most likely to kiss, Jamie and James. Give me a little kiss. Vagina from behind. What does a vagina look like from behind? You surely can't see a vagina from behind. Well, this is going to be doggy style. If that helps you picture it any better. Okay.

And with doggy style... He's still does the penis go kind of under the carriage and into the vagina into the station there's like there's the do you call it the taint or the the gooch you've got to negotiate that what do you mean you just don't we wouldn't go near it abracadabra it's not really relevant think of the angle of the body on all fours yeah

just think of that that's all I'm giving you I mean that's all you need and also a hint here with the word wide wide open I believe it was

can you imagine that what her legs are wide open yeah and what would that do it makes other stuff wide open doesn't it splay her vagina right

yeah oh my god this is literally like teaching a kid algebra you've got the vagina and you carry the vulva what do you get to the power of two but so and the taint doesn't come into it I'm going to help you can you stop saying Oh my God, this is literally like teaching a kid algebra. You've got the vagina and you carry the vulva. What do you get?

To the power of two. And the taint doesn't come into it. I'm going to help you once. Can you stop saying taint? Yeah. What are you going to show me? This will terrify him. What are you Googling? I don't like how serious she is.

She's a woman on a mission. Okay, so this is what you need to be picturing. No. I noticed that James has crossed his legs very tightly in anticipation. Okay, so this will help. You really went full on. It looks like she's holding a burger between her legs. Oh, for God's sake,

James. It just looks like a quarter pounder between her legs. James, you've seen a vagina. Not from that angle. What quarter pounders are you eating? Please stop eating down the road. So this sort of vibe. I mean, that's not unfamiliar to me so the position yeah oh here you go this is what we were looking for oh my god yeah there you

go that's basically it's wide yeah go right in there yeah okay right wow i genuinely didn't know it went back that far what do you mean went back that far? Like, that is touching asshole. Yeah, but when you give birth, sometimes it tears all the way up. Yeah, no, I've heard that. They're literally right next to each other, aren't they? Next door neighbours. Just pop over the fence, James. Do you want me to send you this?

I'll send you this. Her feet are very dirty. Well, she's writhing around on this piece of canvas. You are really honing in on the most important parts of these pictures. What is every man's dream thigh? What's your dream thigh, Jamie? Yeah, I don't know. What's your dream thigh?

Just like a normal slender thigh, I guess. Definition? Muscle? Not overly, no. You know that like side line? That's everyone's thigh, isn't it? Whose thigh doesn't have that? Larger people.

Yeah, mine definitely has that. Yeah, I'm working on my side line. Just tense it, Alice, for God's sake. Mine just looks like that thing they shave kebab meat off of. That big elephant leg. In a kebab shop window. It's as thick at the top as it is at the bottom oh god cankles what an image

this is like when you're dating someone you get a whatsapp and you don't read it straight away so you don't you don't get the two blue ticks you just keep it keep it great isn't it so great when it pops up on your home screen so you've not actually read it? But you have, yes. So good. Apparently now you can like turn it off so that everything appears unread forever so no one knows when you were last online

or what you've read and what you haven't. How do you do that? I don't know. Someone did it to me once. They were ghosting me at the same time so it's entirely possible they just didn't read my messages. But have you ever been ghosted? No.

That's pretty gutting. Yeah. Happens quite a lot for you. It's happened a few times to me. People just stop talking to me. So is that where you're chatting to someone, it's all going fine, and then one day they just never reply ever again?

Yeah, and you're like, what have I done? And I presume it's called ghosting because it's like they've died and turned into a ghost. Is that why it's called that? I hope you just disappear. There you go. James! Honestly, the politics of it, Alice,

I'll have to teach you. So what do you do then? You're obviously quite the teacher. How many times do you try and get back in touch? Maybe you give it once, but don't do it more than once. Like, take the hint. We have a friend when texting used to be a thing, she'd always say, never double green.

Never? Never double green. What's double green? Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, on Tinder once, I was on a night out and I'd matched with someone and I woke up the next morning with a message from them and it was like, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, on Tinder once, I was on a night out and I'd matched with someone and I woke up the next morning with a message from them

and it was like, hey, handsome. And I was like, oh, hi, how's it going? So I thought I'll text him back. So I just wrote a message like, oh, hey, how's it going? Sent it. I was like, hang on, why is his message blue and why is my message blue? Oh God.

I was in a conversation with myself. Oh God, no. I called myself handsome and then replied to it. I had to unmatch immediately. It was so embarrassing. I can't even look at you. And you wonder why you get ghosted. Shame.

Jesus. Oh, God. I'm not sure you're ready to have your own mobile phone. Seriously. He grabbed her cervix. I have to say something here. He's going to kill her.

He's actually going to do some serious internal damage and if we don't stop him, I don't know who will. Oh my god. And he grabbed her dot dot dot boob, breast nipple, hand, face, whatever. Grabbed her face. Bare the cervix.

I don't think Rocky's the only one that's ignorant about the cervix. So I'm just going to Google for you really quick. Do you see that bracketed area? That's vagina. Yes. It's like a map of the UK. Okay, that we have to deal with later.

I'll do geography next time. So the cervix isn't part of the vagina, guys. Okay? The cervix, as you can see, is almost grazing the lung. It's quite normally. Yeah, you have to get quite far in there, don't you? If you were talking about the UK, James, we'd be in Inverness. All right?

Wow. Okay? That was a useful diagram. Thank you, Alice. You're welcome. And and i'll show you one more thing the opening of the cervix is called the oz the cervical oz allows menstrual blood to flow out from the vagina during menstruation during pregnancy the cervical oz closes to help keep the fetus in the uterus until birth should you be grabbing that should you be compromising

the structure of that god every day is a school day, isn't it? Well, it is today. I think this is the key bit of information that I feel like Rocky maybe didn't know. Okay. Approximately half the cervix length is visible with appropriate medical equipment. The remainder lies above the vagina beyond view. Wow. Okay, guys. If you're grabbing that, you've gone wrong. Wow. Okay, guys. If you're grabbing that, you've gone wrong.

Wow. Have you guys heard of gold star gays? Ooh, this rings a bell. You're a gold star gay if you've never been with a woman. Never, like, had vaginal sex. Gold star gay. I don't like the hand. You just have, like like a weird little jazz hand

it's so ridiculous a name have you heard platinum star gay what's that cesarean section gay so you've never actually been near a vagina that's brilliant came out the sunroof that's when your pure as driven snow exactly platinum star gay i don't what can you get beyond that i think maybe platinum's the top yeah i was about to say test tube but completely misunderstanding that a test tube baby isn't grown in the test tube or maybe jesus yeah divine conception probably so you're gold star i'm gold star gay well you had that girlfriend though who who was that girlfriend at school you got married to her didn't you i've what i've never heard of this do you have a girlfriend they got married to at primary school what on earth are you talking about primary school we all got married to her didn't you i've what i've never heard of this do you have a girlfriend they got married to at primary school what on earth are you talking about primary school

we all got married at primary school hello elspeth if you're listening you got married to elspeth i did yeah do you know where she is now uh she was in belgium she sounds like she originally lived in belgium she fled the country was it a happy marriage or um it was lovely it lasted a summer oh wonderful for primary school that's forever. I know, right? It's like Ruby anniversary. Nipple tassels. Hey. They've got like sticky backs.

Oh, please put them on, James. One. Two. Beautiful. I'm going to wear these for the whole chapter. I kind of want to put them on. Al, do you want them? Yeah. You can take them home. You're going to put them on your actual n. I kind of want to put them on. Al, do you want them? Yeah.

You can take them home. You're going to put them on your actual nipples? Yeah, shall I? Oh my God. On your actual nipples? Well, don't look. One sec. Oh, suddenly the boys wish this was a video podcast.

Are you actually going to do it? Yeah. They're not very big. I can't believe this is happening. She's literally naked in the room. Oh. Can we get a picture, Al? Wait a sec. No, you cannot get a picture. But

people will want it for Instagram. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Alice 2.0 she just shook those cans are you drunk? oh they're so sticky ow

ow I've never seen anything like it but you can see everything like it the scenes oh Alice what a good sport so that picture's gonna go up on Instagram what tomorrow?

view our Instagram story for exclusive behind the scenes content wow I just can't believe you saw Alice in nipple tassels

that is an image I can't get out of my head can you not unsee it I feel like it's going to be seared into my memory you know when you close your eyes

when you've looked at a light and all you can see is the light I feel like every time I close my eyes now that's all I'm going to be able to see

thank you for thinking of them as light bulbs. I was going to say, you look great. Many thanks. Congratulations, you've been working out. Okay. Not that you looked bad before. Nice muscly boobs.

That was all a ruse to show us your new... My 2.0. Your 2.0 bod. Oh, is that all it meant? I've stopped eating as much custard. She's female female don't forget oh multiples yeah

yeah you're right but isn't it it's multiple in one isn't it say that again what when you have when women have an orgasm

they have multiple at once in one orgasm what do you mean multiple in one what like like a big one like a turbo

buy one get one free what do you mean? When a woman orgasms... Yes. Yeah. That wasn't it. The reason it's so intense and happens less frequently than a man is just because... What do you mean, less frequently?

No, more frequently. Women orgasm less frequently than men. No, women can orgasm multiple times and it's not... In a session, say. Yeah, it's not... Really? Yeah. Oh, fantastic.

Because men... Oh, God. James is now straight then why do women fake it it doesn't mean you can come when you want to come it just means

that you in theory in one sitting let's say in one go in one go in one game in one set

you could in one roll of Yahtzee yeah you could come lots of times you know wow because you know how guys like once you come you've got to have a bit of a...

Rest. Yeah. Not so with women. Just keep going. You are fascinating to me. Put him in a test tube, Alice Levine. Smell him on a Petri dish. I feel like this is a lot of this.

We need to take this off podcast because there's more. I have more questions. Should we just go out for a drink? I think we need to. No, that's not... I don't mean like, and potentially get together and then I'll be on the model. That was more just to fill you in on everything you need to know. I'm on Wikifeet. I've heard of Wikifeet.

You're on Wikifeet. Look it up right now and put my name in. They've been gathering this archive for years. Yeah, it's basically a catalogue of famous people and pictures of their feet, right? Yeah, well, thank you for saying that. Yes, it's the upper echelons of feet. Oh, sorry, Z-listers. It's famous people and me.

And yeah, you're going to be wowed by the selection that are there. Ooh, okay. What have we got here? Bloody hell. Wow. Some of them are zoomed in versions of bigger pictures. You've just got shoes on in some of them. That's okay, apparently.

Oh, guys. At the bottom it says, three pictures were removed from this gallery. For indecency. Two pictures were reported as duplicates. Oh. Okay. And one picture was reported as, and I quote, no feet showing. It is the founding principle of WikiFeet.

Who wanted a picture of your face? Right, they've got some interesting information here. Can I just say, I love on WikiFeet that a picture of my face is abhorrent. They're just like, disgusting. Get a picture of your feet on there. So, you know know you can rate people's feet on here you've you've got ratings oh my god oh 90 out of 187 votes the results are in 91 people said you were beautiful oh you. You were beautiful. Feet. 46% Sorry, 46 people said nice.

No. Now that's a bit of a rinse. Nice. Oh my goodness. Fake praise. 29 said okay. Oh. 15 said bad.

Bad feet. Get this. Six said ugly. Oh my God. And the comment section is quite interesting. Oh my God god i didn't see any of this um so someone said love the souls of redheads they always look amazing she's not a redhead she's famously a fake redhead okay we don't need to keep saying it people might not have heard that episode there's one of you with like a bloody leg here with your foot in it like you it looks like you've hurt

yourself oh yeah that's when i got bashed up in the sea they're so nice these people someone said her foot movements seemed charmingly precise and careful no can i just say the wiki feet community wonderful wonderful bunch i would hang out with them over youtube any goddamn day and also i'd just like to say to everybody that voted for me thank you to the academy to my mom and dad i wouldn't i wouldn't have these little tootsies without you and anybody that's enjoyed my feet over the years appreciate it there's something i want to bring up i want to get resolved oh we had an email oh god i dread these you know what i love that james is the only person that knows to log into our email i didn't even know we had an email it's just something i want to resolve.

It's from Eric. Hi, Eric. The title of the email is, As a Virgin. Okay. So the title of the email leads into the email. You've caught my attention, Eric. Go on.

As a virgin, it is nice to have a parent virgin James Cooper in the studio to represent us and say stupid stuff while pretending he knows things. Eric. James, you are rumbled. And also, studio. He wishes.

We're in a kitchen. Eric is an anagram of Alice and Jamie. Does everyone think I'm a virgin? Well, Eric does. I mean, I wouldn't say everyone. But you're part of his team. Right, I'm not a virgin. Just to clarify.

Don't feel like you have to say whether you are or aren't. Don't feel pressured. He has a right to response. Go on. Eric, I'm not a virgin, alright? So we don't know whether James is a virgin or not.

Let's just say that. We don't know. It's ambiguous. Nothing wrong with you being a virgin, Eric, obviously. But I'm not. So I just wanted to clear to clear that have you ever heard someone protest too much more than this the fact that he felt they need to bring it up in the first place speaks volumes james this is obviously because of your perceived lack of knowledge about i presume the female form although not your area of expertise and you never said it was no but your naive charm

is what draws people to you other virgins um but maybe people don't understand that you're actually gay maybe that's the thing that is true thank you for oh wow because I outed him as a virgin and now as gay I'm a gay virgin and uh that's why I don't have that much knowledge about the female anatomy because it's not what he enjoys I enjoy But it's not what... He enjoys. I enjoy! Well, I'm glad that we've cleared that up. It's not to my taste, so to speak.

And also, James' mum listens, so that's the first time she'll know as well. Okay, bye, mum. I'll talk to you when I get home. And now your reward for listening to all this stuff you've probably heard before here is this episode's unheard bit my issue is that here we go how long you got she's on a soapbox what's your issue levine right, it's not so much an issue. I just, I don't know if other people have experienced this. This boy I was seeing kisses way too slowly. Oh.

What do you mean, like slow motion? Okay, I'm going to have to... What, like in a movie? I'm going to have to demo it and then I'll explain. On who? Jamie, don't, Jamie. No, I'll demo it on my hand, okay? Okay.

Here's how quick. Oh, gutted. Oh my God, that is slow motion. For the benefit of the tape, Alice is still opening her lips to instigate the kiss. That's how long this is taking. And what are you doing in this time?

Like, you're ready to go. I mean, initially, I was like jabbing my tongue in there and I was like, oh no, we're like going really slow. It's sensual. That is, but that's snail slow. That's snail slow. And my slow and my thing is i didn't

know it i just didn't know when it had started or finished so i was like i like i initially i i like was like okay let's get that tongue in there let's like do some exploration yeah but then i was like oh no we're at like such different tempos. He's waltzing and I'm like... You're doing Irish dancing, a little jig. Jamie, she didn't know it finished. Do you want to tell us? Yeah, I don't understand that. The starting thing, I get you.

How do you not know it's finished? Because it's all just nothing. It's so slow. Like it was imperceptible. Like the movement, like if I really concentrated, I could feel it. Hang on, so you just got like a kind of a flaccid, static tongue in your mouth. No, there's no, I mean, there was tongue, but only because I'd sort of invigorated it with my tongue. You pulled it in with your, you hooked it in.

You were flapping it like a dead fish. Was it like a breeze on your lips? You were flapping it like a dead fish. Was it like a breeze on your lips? I was giving like mouth to mouth to his mouth, but to like get the tongue going, to create a current. Wow.

You know when you waft a tablecloth and the first bit ripples and then the end of it ripples? Yeah, enough like pressure so that kind of everything just starts moving. Wow. So hang on, wait, wait, wait. Oh God, why have I said this? Not to get too intimate, but was everything slow? Like how?

Yeah, that's true. Oh God. Was he generally like a slow moving person as well? Oh, that doesn't match you because you walk like a teacher on like a field trip who's like really stressed. She's like, come on everyone, we've got to get to the coach before it leaves without us. He told me to walk slower.

No, he didn't. And you told him to kiss faster he was literally i was like okay well while we're having an amnesty he was like literally trotting behind me like i was always a bit ahead were you dating a turtle this turtle man do you think he knows that he's a slow kisser? He'll be slowly reaching for his phone. We'll get that email in about 10 to 12 weeks. Obviously, when you first start seeing somebody, you're like learning who they are. You're learning how that body works. Like there's stuff that you'll become more compatible with, right? Yeah.

But that is tricky because we're just on a tempo mismatch. Was he elderly? Did I not say? Sorry, he's 86. And my God, it's quick for an 86-year-old. Yeah, to be fair. He put his teeth back. Let's judge people on their own terms.

I feel like... Did he talk like this? Alice, give me a smooch. A smooch? He's not really 86. He's also not a robot. But like, was he, it got quicker. Because, you know, you need a certain amount of tempo to kind of do stuff.

I would say that on the graph of speed. Ah, the famous graph of speed of speeds yes pull that one out he's near the lower end yes in everything of speeds oh wow but like sometimes like don't get me wrong like slow slow doesn't equal bad no but if you're slow at everything life is long and it's nice to mix up tempos i think that's where a lot of you know sometimes you want a kaylee sometimes you know a street dance parade you know yeah and this guy does seem like you know the really extreme end of of like slow like almost not moving yeah one time i did think i don't have time to kiss you i'd love to kiss you I've got a meeting in 30 minutes I honestly was like this is gonna take forever did you have to allocate time in your day oh my god

I just knew how long it would take that must be so annoying as I was there like rage inside you like hurry the fuck up no I love snogging like i think snogging is one of life's great joys but i just think it's a bit of dynamism in there isn't that often well the way i do it anyway it's an absolute roller coaster ride you don't really know what's going to happen next how long were you with him it was it wasn't long at all different pace two weeks okay so that's alice's dating story with grandfather time lovely oh my god i don't remember that conversation. I do. I wish I did.

Now I will remember it forever. I'll treasure it. Oh my God, too funny. Again, really fun. It's nice to kind of relive some of this. Don't sound so surprised. No, I mean the whole thing, not just your slow kissing story. I mean, there was some rough stuff in there.

It's quite confronting in some ways, isn't it? To have all your terrible dating stories in one 40-minute place. Some people keep lifelong diaries. We have this to haunt us. I mean, it will live forever.

But it was fun. It was fun. We'll be back next month for another slice of Best Bits and Unheard Gems. So yeah, in the meantime,

do let us know if there are any bits that you want to include in one of these episodes, actually. It's very nice to kind of hear from you guys. Yeah, it's been very helpful.

We have had some correspondence, so we'll bear those in mind for the future. The usual channels. You know, your Instagrams. At MyDadWriter. Your emails. MyDadWriterPorno at gmail.com. If Twitter still exists, slash x. At DadWriterPorno.

Great. Amazing. See you guys next time. Bye. Bye. Goodbye. Dad wrote a porno great amazing see you guys next time bye bye goodbye