My Dad Wrote A Porno - The Finale - Part 2

Episode Date: December 5, 2022

This is it. The final chapter. Pull on your black thongs as a mark of respect and join Jamie, Alice and James as they bid a fond farewell to Belinda... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically, all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to the last ever chapter of My Dad Wrote a Porno. I know. I can't hear those words. I never thought I would. So mad. the last ever chapter of My Dad Wrote a Porno. I know. I can't hear those words. I never thought I would. So mad.

It hasn't hit home still, has it? I think we were talking last week it hasn't hit home, but this really is it. Well, we do have one more episode. I say it's the final. It's the final one of us reading a book, but we do have an amazingly special episode next week.

A footnotes with Dad hearing from Rocky Flintstone himself for the first and the last time hearing his dulcet tones hearing his actual voice do you think he'll just use it as an opportunity to really have a go at us he's like you know we spent another thing yeah he'll probably come with receipts and be like james you said this in 2018 oh no you know you'll be fine it'll be me and jamie that are dragged over hot coals it's's funny that you say that though, that you guys aren't ready. It's really hit me today.

All day I've been kind of like emotional. What have you been doing? Quoting from the books? I just like, walking around with a big red giant book on his hip. I don't know. It's just,

it's been such a huge part of our lives, right? And it's been, it's been amazing, but I can't kind of believe it's over. It's just mind blowing to me that we've created, all of us together, an actual global community. Millions of people all come together to do this. Oh, they're all over the place.

They're all over the shop. And I hope they're all here today for the listening party. Absolutely. We told you last week we're having a listening party. So wherever you are in the world right now I hope you've all pressed play At the same time We're going to listen Tweet along together

Using the hashtag Different this time By Belinda B-Y-E Belinda Okay Gosh Hashtag by Belinda And we can all be tweeting on there

And having a little drink Having a little joke Having a little reminisce If I can get through this Without blubbing It'll be a big day Did any of you ever think This would be your job?

Is it our job? I still don't really think it's our job oh yeah don't get wrong it's super fun and like you know it doesn't feel you know if you what's the phrase if you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life yeah is that how you feel yeah yeah i'm wearing the t-shirt right now um but it is kind of a job did you ever see that you'll be reading your father's erotic literature for a living? And that would pay your electricity bill, nearly. In my bloody full house that is, yeah, free. It's like a morselier. No, and I think, you know, well, I mean...

Jamie regards this as a calling. Yeah, this is vocational. We've all been working consistently on other things throughout the process. So I like to feel like that's my job. And this is just something I do with my friends but what did you want to do when you were younger surely not this what did you want to do when you were younger um like I wanted to um run a video shop run a video shop have I ever talked about this I mean probably a thousand times on the podcast yes but have I told you what I used to do with my sister take them out

the boxes and line up the boxes and oh has this been on the podcast I couldn't tell you it's been eight years I don't know James just retell a story it's not like we haven't done it before a million times well I'm going to do it

just in case just do it quickly for God's sake use the living room like a video shop get your sister come in and be their customer I would take

yep figure it out I would take the VHS out of the boxes place them around the room displayed and then my sister would peruse as the customer yeah do you use what she'd like to watch the empty box bring it to the counter and then would you get

the actual vhs and put it in the empty box exactly yeah i'd go to the shelving of the vhs and put it in a different room no no it's just at the back okay at the back of the living room so no no like store cupboard that you yeah exactly i'd be like oh little'd be like, oh, Little Mermaid, excellent choice. And put it in the box and send her on her way. And be like, bring it back tomorrow. You've paid for a one night rental. So have I told that already? My mind will be blown if you haven't.

This is the main reason why we should end this. Because I think we're at the bottom of the anecdote barrel. We've run out of stories about our lives, for sure. If you haven't told that, incredible. Incredible that you've saved that up. Because I've heard that in real life so many times. So how you've never told it. And we've heard about paints on the podcast but never that that's a miracle yeah i thought that was finale worthy but clearly not um but obviously you know we are kind of midway through a story here guys you know as much as this is you know sad we have to finish

reading the book we do we do and what where did we leave it well we left it on quiet sorry Jamie clearly doesn't want to dwell in the sentimental he's like well guys we must bring this story time

I've got a train to catch oh no I just I just what about James' question did you want to do was this your job he's refusing to admit

it's his job well I'm about to become unemployed if it is are you trying to avoid some sort of tax arrangement or something is that what's going on um no yeah we we can keep chatting if you want no it's fine we can get back to the book come on let's go to his head he's right it's what people have come for um yeah so belinda and peter rouse were on the banks of r de Janeiro. James, we had a marriage proposal. Oh, yes.

I mean, one of the biggest things that have ever happened in these books, and you don't even remember it. It was last week. The will they, won't they that nobody wanted. It's because the highs are so high and the lows are so low in Blinderblink that we are just completely desensitised to any shot. Okay, so are we ready to find out what she's going to say? Is it a yes?

Is it a no is it a no Shall we make our predictions Okay yes I think she's an independent woman She don't need no man It's going to be a no I think yes but I think we'll find out At the very beginning of the chapter

I think it'll open like yes Or is it the opposite Where we don't get the answer To the very end oh like a time jump oh I don't know suppose this episode is all about the wedding

she says yes and we fast forward because he's done that before to her wedding day that is true he does miss out crucial details and Jamie

it's got to be a no sorry oh right do you not think come on yeah I think it's Belinda okay right for the very last time I'm going to do the little intro with a bit of music so we'll never have you It's got to be a no, sorry. Oh, right. Do you not think? Come on. Yeah, I think though. Okay, right.

For the very last time, I'm going to do the little intro with a bit of music. So we'll never have you do this again, will we? Never. Oh my God. Okay, are we ready? No, are you? I don't think I am.

Belinda blinked. The fucktastic farewell dinner. Farewell dinner. Oh my God, this is a fucktastic farewell dinner. Better not be. Absolutely fucktastic. Okay. Belinda looked around the church.

The church. No. No, no, no. The chicken? The churrascaria. The churrascaria. The churrascaria. So we have moved location.

Well, that could be on the banks of the River Danube or wherever they are. That is Brazilian, I think. A churrascaria. No, that's not in doubt. It's just I don't think that's where we were before. Unless we were and we never told. Sorry, what's a churrascaria? Is that the full name of Chikara Montagu? I actually do know this because I've been to Brazil to visit my parents.

And it's like a restaurant where they serve meat. And they kind of like carve the meat off of a skewer. And you can kind of have as much as you want as well. Because I've been to ones where there's like a traffic light system. Where when you turn your light onto green or your card onto green, they just keep bringing the meat, baby. And then you turn it over to green or your card onto green they just keep bringing the meat baby and then you turn it over to red it's like no more meat baby really amazing yeah well it's just a conveyor belt of meat until you scream stop it's slightly less fast foody than

you're making it sound though it's like deliciously like barbecued meat but yes essentially i'm picturing it like you know conveyor belt sushi yeah no it's not and it just drops into your mouth until you're like i can't anymore conveyor belt sushi doesn't drop no, it's not that. And it just drops into your mouth until you're like, I can't anymore. Conveyor belt sushi doesn't drop into your mouth. No, I'm picturing it like... That Alice at the end of it. Oh, wait a sec. Is that not how you...

You take it off the conveyor... Yes. Right, okay. I've been laying my jaw down. Oh, James Cooper. Each place setting had sturdy cardboard coasters with Sim and Now on each side.

Oh, there you go. See? Yes and no. This was to determine how much meat would be sliced onto the guest's plate by the waiting staff. Someone's been to churrascaria before. All-you-can-eat meat had Belinda written all over it, after all. Well, that's true. That is quite appropriate. So, they'll come and carve the meat table side and then you'll go flip and then they'll stop.

Yes, and they'll stop. That's a lot of meat, isn't it? I never have mine on red. Mine's always on green. It's just like, do not stop. You throw away that other one. Exactly. Peter's knee was beginning to hurt,

so he spoke once again. Is he still down on one knee? Yeah. Belinda, he said, are you alive? I wish to marry you. Belinda was brought back to the present. Just because it's the last one,

don't think you can get away with that accent. What's going on? That was by Dutch. Dutch, come on, rein it in. Think back to him back in the maze. He didn't sound bonkers like that, did he? That was voided accents, you see. There you go.

She flipped the cardboard coaster between her long fingernails that's how she's gonna say yes or no if she says yes then she'll just big big pile of meat's gonna fall on it she flipped the cardboard coaster between her long fingernails like the wicked witch of whoopee. Not a thing, never will be. Meeting his longing eyes, she held up her coaster. Peter's heart sank like a lira in the Trevi Fountain. She said, yeah. His wish. He was only joking.

His wish had not come true. Oh, Pete, mate. This was because Belinda was never to be a Mrs. Yes. She had no desire to marry. Yes. There was even a, all right, dear. There was even a well-known idiomic.

I don't know if you can say idiomic. Idiomatic? It just says idiomic. Idiom? Sure. A well-known idiomic saying about it. No sex after marriage. Oh, so this is a completely topsy-turvy world then. I think that's a joke though, isn't it? That saying, you know, when you get married. Oh, I thought it was literally a rule of the Belinda Blink universe.

No, I think it's sort of like like that's the nail in the coffin is that it's known that you know married couples don't have as much sex so that's at least the stereotype you know but if you get married on your second date then maybe you would hope it doesn't just completely nosedive so no sex after marriage that was not her no way Jose, or Peter, or whoever. Very good. Peter, darling, Belinda tactfully talked, although this is undoubtedly, sorry, although this is undoubtedly... Oh, so you tried to say it right and he's written it wrong. Although this is undoubtedly not the answer you want.

I have often thought about you and indeed have lusted if not loved you. No, you haven't. But I'm flattered. Why not let's have a dip in the hay sack as a consolation shag? A dip in the hay sack? Sounds painful. A dip in the hay sack? It's going to be scratchy isn't it

Yeah Peter Rouse Though disappointed Took off his wife fronts And stood And everyone's just got Piles of meat in front of them Well everyone's got

Piles of meat in front of them So Peter Rouse Though disappointed Took off his wife fronts And stood before Belinda They were both now naked And as such Turned on to the max that those two things do sometimes follow

without further ado he looked at his one true love his cock grew at the speed of the 1980s economy you're getting turned on and you're learning ready to boom and Oh, I just kind of imagine it though, a really like pointy ankle, like exponential growth, just like ka-toing. It's very unusual. What do you want? You want a bell curve? Well, like just straight out in front or like...

Can I just say this is vintage Rocky. This is combining the sex with the business. Business, absolutely. His cock grew at the speed of the 1980s economy, ready to boom and bust. In response, Belinda's pussy began crying tears of joy. Do you need a tissue, Belinda? Peter Rouse moved slowly towards her.

With the gentlest of touches, he caressed her soft body in the shape of ancient ruins. What? Do you remember in the maze he was like drawing runes on her back? Oh, I thought you said ruins. I was a bit harsh. Each tender

brush elicited sexual pleasure deep within her. Belinda's whole body tingled. Goose pimples flooding her skin like a non-contagious type of chicken pox. Wow. Okay. Or like goosebumps because I think everybody knows what they are. You got them last week. I really did. The hair's on end. I never had chicken pox. I think you say you never had goosebumps. I was like, James, you are down inside. You've never had chicken pox? Never had chicken pox I think so you never had goosebumps I was like James you are down inside You've never had chicken pox Very dangerous for an adult

Yeah no I know It's dangerous for an adult Yeah apparently Shingles isn't it when you're an adult I don't know You're listening to my dad I thought it was dangerous for babies Also dangerous for babies

Should we do a new podcast after this about like your health questions answered just do the opposite of what we say yeah our usp is that we never google anything we just say old wives tales off the top of our head let's embrace podcasting before offcom comes and shuts it all down well people say it's dangerous to google diagnose yeah so actually we're avoiding that. Yeah, yeah. So Belinda's whole body tingled. Goose pimples flooding her skin like a non-contagious type of chicken pox. Peter whispered long lost languages in her ear. He loves all that, doesn't he?

He loves all that ancient Greek stuff. I'd argue not lost. Sorry, whatever they spoke in Atlantic. Well documented. Fucker muchus. Peter whispered long lost languages in her ear, trying to change her answer. But instead... Oh, he's putting like a spell on her.

But instead created so much carnal tension that her labia began emitting clouds of condensation, whistling like a kettle. Did he say whistling whistling her vagina was whistling whistling and this is why it must end nothing ever whistled down there whistle down the bin i mean if you if you do place an ocarina by your vagina... Oh my God, very good. Very good. Till the bitter end, he's very good, isn't he? Peter lay her down and entered her intensely.

He moved in, then out. Yep. Then in again. Sure. Shake it all about. Like a husband who argued with his wife a lot. What? Moving in and out. At the house. Then out, then in again sure shake it all about like a husband who argued with his wife a lot what moving in and

out he moved in and out then in again like a husband who argued with his wife a lot drastic also really taking me out on the move also not like a husband because she said no so we've had chicken pox yeah divorce essentially what else is what other analogies have we had so far um just steamy wet yeah so he moved in then out then in again like a husband who argued with his wife a lot it was truly erotic is it is it sounds pretty standard to me in out that's very revealing as well that rocky thinks when you argue with your partner a lot, you move in and out. Like, quite full on to move out. Yeah, I mean... A lot.

Every time you argue. Maybe he's down to the pavilion for the night, you know. Just got a little overnight bag by the door. a night bag by the door belinda squeezed all her inside muscles and rode the orgasmic waves like the poseidon adventure oh wow this is epic isn't it it is what was the poseidon adventure it's a movie in like the 70s that wasn't the one where the boat turned over disaster i think so it was a disaster movie orgasmic waves wasn't it like about a tsunami? Oh, was it a storm? Yeah. And it tipped the boat on its head. Oh, sure. Because the waves were so strong.

Right. Amazing. So they were like walking on the ceiling. Okay. Who were? No, that's Mary Poppins. I think you recorded the first half of one film and the second half of another.

And they laughed and they had to stop laughing and then they came down. So she squeezed all her inside muscles and rode the orgasmic waves like the Poseidon Adventure. Pulling out, Belinda began to deep throat Peter Jr. The thick...

Peter Jr.? Don't call it Peter Jr. Oh, Peter Jr. I've never given my penis a name. No. Have you? No. I don't seriously I've never given my penis a name. No. Have you? No. I don't seriously think anyone does give their penis a name, do they?

No, they do. In fact, one of our dear Footnotes guests has named his penis something. Who? Michael Sheen. Named his penis? He has called his penis the Great Christine Berensky. Oh, yeah. That's good.

Oh, I might do that just for shits and giggles. Yeah. But do you give it another name, like a friend? Or do you give it a name that's a sort of character, like The Rock? I don't mean The Rock, but like The Beast. Well, I think name it after one of your favourite legendary actresses. A dame, some would say. But does he name it that?

Mine's Dame Judi Dench. But do you, who do you tell that to? Because I think... That millions of people apparently. What I mean is we've discussed before that nicknames are to be given, not to be created yourself. In the throes of passion, I don't think you'd be like... Meet Christine.

Alice, meet the great Christine Baronski. Do you... Vagina name? Boob names? Boob names? No. No? I did actually wear a very low-cut top once,

and somebody said, oh, the Levines are out. And I was like, don't call them the Levines, because that's my pair, really. So that was unnerving. Oh, God. So, um... so that was unnerving oh god so um gross yeah and then all i could think about was yeah they're always close to my heart um belinda began to deep throat peter jr the thick appendage plugging her gob she licked and sucked his cock as she dug out her pussy What? Dug out. She, so she's, why is she digging out her pussy?

Oh, she's masturbating while she gives a blowjob. Right, thank you. Dug it out, though. I mean, you shouldn't have to dig it out. There should be no excavation involved. Yeah. But then everything that he writes is so, it's always major construction, isn't there? She sounds like she's fracking that's his building background he's got his business with his economy

building with a digging out a pussy i can imagine placards fucking not fracking yeah exactly he was truly the tiger woods of bonking right stop who the tiger woods you know he's obsessed with like not naming people because of legal reasons, blah, blah, blah. I guess he means the Tiger Woods. So is it two capital Vs? No, that would have been even better. No, it's just a V. Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods. He was truly the Tiger Woods of bonking, having the stamina of a big cat who always got a hole in one. We don't need to say the Tiger Woods of bonking, do we? We need to say the Tiger Woods. He was the Tiger Woods. Well, because Tiger Woods was known for bonking too, right? That's true. But he's not called Tiger Woods because he's got the stamina of a big cat.

I don't understand any of this. Let's break it down. Okay, so he was truly the Tiger Woods woods of bonking of bonking having the stamina of a big cat that's the tiger i guess yeah and always got a hole in one golf reference i guess it's the tiger i'm struggling because it's tiger woods his real name i think so yeah so he's not named because he has the stamina of a tiger. No, but I think Dad's just using that as a reference as to why someone else would be called Tiger. Oh, no, his real name is Eldrick Tont.

Okay. Doesn't quite have the same... You can see why he changed it. He's the Eldrick Tont of shadowing. Oh, I love that we found that out. I thought Tiger Woods' real name was Tiger. Yeah, I did. But we can see... I mean, you know when people change their names and you're like,

oh, don't get a Hollywood name. Yeah, Eldrick Tont. I don't hold that against him, do you? He still has Woods. Woods is his real surname. Actually, that's what I'm going to call my boobs. Eldrick Tont. The other members of the gathering wasted no time in following their lead. A special trade envoys, Alphonse Sturbacher and Jim Sterling

were giddy as little goats skipping across a bridge. Alphonse! He has lost the plot. Alphonse enjoyed navigating Giselle's human form becoming hard as a pumice stone rough, abrasive also does give a bit

she's kind of chalky becoming hard as a pumice stone with the slightest brush of flesh to flesh you're right though, you could have chosen harder stones granite cement Lightest brush of flesh to flesh. You're right, though. You could have chosen harder stones. Hmm.

Granite. Yeah. Cement. Cement. Cement's not really a stone. But it's nice that you took part. Concrete. Pebble.

Breeze block. Okay, rude and rude. We're all supposed to be being nice to each other today. Bree's blog was harsh. Why don't you take Eldrick and Tom and be on your way? So, Alphonse enjoyed navigating Giselle's human form, becoming hard as a pumice stone with the slightest brush of flesh to flesh. With perk, fruitful titties and legs up to her nostrils, she was

a bonnie lassie. Did you mean to say perk? Perk? Is that not... Perky? He means pert. He's put perk. With perk... There's too many here. With perk fruitful titties and

legs up to her nostrils. She sounds like... Do you remember the green eminem legs and an eminem and didn't they say it was too sexy yeah too sexy did she get cancelled for being too sexy i think they just toned down her sexiness i think it was like a bit misogynistic oh right oh yeah they put her in trainers didn't they i think they flattened her heels yeah like it is interesting with like you, cartoon characters that are sexy. I know that we haven't touched on it before. And you know that Miriam Margulies was the voice of the sexy Cadbury bunny?

No. Not only Belinda's clit, famously, but also that, yeah, that bunny that was, like, sexy. Miriam Margulies did the voice of the sexy bunny? No. Apparently she used to do loads of, like, sex stuff. That Cadbury's bunny was absolutely banging. Was it your sexual awakening? No, but I do remember thinking, God, she's got it going on.

It was also just a bit weird because it was so unnecessary. Like I can see why like, is she called Jessica Rabbit? Yeah, the really hot one. Yeah, like that's part of the character. Do you need a sexy cartoon bunny to sell chocolate? Why are there rabbits? Rampant rabbits, you know. They are known to be sexual creatures.

There are some animators that have really unresolved issues around their family pets. She was also a voice of the chimps in the PG Tips adverts. Why do you know so much about Miriam Margulies? I read her book. Did you? I did. He's looking for voice work after this.

He's like, what could I play? One of our big regrets is not getting Miriam Margulies i read a book did you i did he's looking for voice work after this he's like what could i play one of our big regrets is not getting maria margulies on this show and you know from reading her book i was like my god she would have been the perfect guest if only she listened i mean you know we don't get people on who don't listen but she'd be great jamie i'm sure you're thinking about your career beyond this yes i think you could do character voice work i'm waiting for pix Pixar to call me. Pixar. Dreamworks, more like. Oh, wow. Are they the ones that are known for doing...

Great films. But basically the same film as Pixar, but just a slightly shitter version. Bug's Life. Ants. Sure. Ants. And then like...

Or ants, as Jamie calls them. Or ants. And then... Call back. ants and then like or ants as Jamie calls them call back and then uh they when Finding Nemo came out they had Shark Tale didn't they oh yeah exactly even Scorsese couldn't save that one Scorsese's in Shark Tale yeah he's like a voice in Yeah. God, I'm learning some stuff today. Okay, that really was a tangent, guys. Even for us. Okay. So just to repeat this. With perk fruitful titties and legs up to her nostrils, she was a

bonnie lassie and Alphonse knew the recipe to make her furry feline fizz. What does that noise mean? Are you alright? It just means I don't really know what to say anymore. Why are you salivating? Well, like fizzy vagina, drippy vagina.

Well, fizz just like, you know, excited, I reckon. And her furry feline. Feline pussy. Furry pubic hair. We can always track it back to some sort of logic if we go far enough. Bella grabbed Jim Sterling. Her plan for the evening was picking off the weakest before... That sounds so sinister.

That's the spirit. Her plan for the evening was picking off the weakest before working up to the most virile last. Oh, right, so she's sort of warming up. Right, which kind of makes sense, I suppose. Yeah, definitely. Sure. As he slipped inside her, he began to shake with passion.

Not after long, Bella's delicious bouncing jugs nearly took her eye out as she writhed and gooed up and down the Texan multimillionaire. Took her own eye out. I can guarantee that has never happened, writhed and gooed up and down the Texan multimillionaire. Took her own eye out. I can guarantee that has never happened. That somebody has never been hit in the eye by their own boob and taken it out. They'd have to be pretty droopy, wouldn't they? I think you'd also have to have some kind of piercing on the nipple for it to take the out of the eye.

To gouge out the eye. Don't they need more like... Length. Yeah, length on them than elasticity because if they're too big they probably stay quite in place i mean one of the one of the fundamental issues is the physics of them being very very soft breasts yeah well exactly james thinks that the bigger they are like what the harder they are they don't move at all that's kind of the opposite to be honest oh right okay unless they're obviously enhanced well yeah if they, if they're fake, they'll be very, very firm.

Right, maybe that's what I'm thinking of. I think that is what you're thinking about, yeah. His only reference of boobs is Pamela Anderson. Well, and you're a trash. Do you remember the woman on that who had massive boobs? Did you think they were real? Yeah. That was a show in the 90s that you'd watch if you were a kid

to get, like, any access to nudity. Dare I say, not completely representative of the female form. No. Those two source materials. Or Europe, I'd say. Well. Also interesting voiceover, Maria MacCurlin was the voice of Eurotraged.

Maria MacCurlin. Maria MacCurlin. Who's Maria MacCurlin? And why am I hearing so much about her? I love Maria MacCurlin. She does Graham Norton's radio show with him. Maria MacCurlin. What's happened to him today? I love Maria McCurlin. She does Graham Norton's radio show with him. Maria McCurlin. What's happened to him today?

I think he's trying to get another job. I don't think Maria McCurlin wants getting dragged into this. Thank you very much. Do you feel like he's got a little like notepad of like everything he hasn't ever, he's never mentioned that he just wants to like crowbar in. He's so incongruous, isn't he? Yeah.

He's like, do you know how much krill there is in the ocean? I'm like, what? You mentioned Eurotrash. He's like, do you want how much krill there is in the ocean? I'm like, what? You mentioned Eurotrash. He's like, do you want to know the chemical formula? I was like, no, get over there, read the book. Oh, now I can read the book, can I? What's on your computer screen?

Where are you reading from? I'm reading from my phone. But where are your facts coming from? My brain. His brain. He's learnt them on the way here, hasn't he? What, you think that because I was imagining everything that James could possibly say to have a fact associated with it

very defensive Jamie is there something written on his hand I can't cheat cheat cheat do you know what I wish him all the best I hope he does get a job

being like yes I do what do you want dictionary corner Susie's already got it but she might retire Jamie info at dreamworks.com

email them and they'll sort you out Maria McIrland poor woman poor woman getting dragged into this sort of affair so late in the day she'll get tweets

she thought she'd swerved it in the last episode oh god how are you spelling that she's actually great I love her The last episode. Oh, God. How are you spelling that? She's actually great. I love her. Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry, Maria McCurdy. Anyway, what's the fact? She's the voice of what? You're a trash. You're the voice of what? Okay, that is a good fact. Literally drag him through the mud and then be like

it's quite good oh my god honestly we're like you're a piece of shit why do you keep coming out with that and then James is like I'm actually going to

mention that down the post um gee Bella you've got an amazing fuck grip Jim scoffed went down the wrong hole Gee Bella, you've got an amazing fuck grip. Jim scoffed. Went down the wrong hole.

Literally. What's a fuck grip? Fuck grip, like, I think it's what the patriarchy called the pelvic floor. Is that what, you're hearing that a lot in locker rooms, are you? Oh yeah. Jim scoffed. In between heavy catches of breath. Oh. Gee, Bella, you've got an amazing fuck grip.

She really has started with the weakest. Thanks, boo-boo. Hey. Hang on, though, because this might be the last time we hear Bella. Oh, my God. Well, it will be. Thanks, boo-boo. Bella boomed.

It's my pay lattes. He's spelt that very interestingly. That's her last line. It's my pay lattes. P-E-L-A-R-T-A-Y-S. I stopped listening, honestly. Like in the first two letters. Pay lattes.

As the seconds melted into a minute, and through the erratic panting, Bella could just decipher. I'm close. So's James. Good. Pull out and paint my face. Oh, this is so rough.

Paint my face. It paints all over you. It paints. It's going to be a Picasso if ever I've seen one. Jim obliged and slopped his newish, big, thick member out of Bella's slushy pussy. Grabbing it in his hand, he wrung its neck and... That's fantastic. grabbing it in his hand he wrung its neck and that's a fantastic description choke the chicken wrung its neck

is disgusting oh my god wrung its neck grabbing it in his hand imagine somebody saying to you wring its neck. Grabbing it in his hand. Imagine somebody saying to you, ring its neck. Ring the great Christine Baranski's neck. And somebody goes, what?

And they go, no, no, no. This Christine Baranski. Grabbing it in his hand, rung it why does it sound like it's the only kind thing to do you know when you're like i have to bring this out of its misery oh grabbing it in his hand he rung its neck until thick blue gloops of DNA splattered everywhere. Wring its neck is... It's fantastic. It's vile and fantastic. What a beautiful way to end.

Wring its neck. Wring its neck. I just can't get over that. I just can't stop saying it over and over in my head. It now makes me think of the top of the penis, like having a little mouth on it. Oh, God. What, like the shafts of the neck? Yeah.

And also a bit like, you know when you give someone a friction burn on their wrist and so your hands are going in different directions? So you're sort of grabbing at it as if it was someone's arm and then rip. It really is quite final, which is fitting, I suppose, for this episode. All of a sudden,

the door of the Brazilian feasting room burst open. It's got walls now. And a door. And it's now a Brazilian feasting room. The main manager man zoomed in as red as the inside of Giselle's pussy lids Zoomed in?

Is he on some kind of scooter or something? I imagine him on like a Segway Yeah, that's exactly how I picture him I don't think that's what he was going for here though I'm not going to even attempt a Brazilian accent Thank you Because I got into so much shit for it You know, with Marco Arrigo

Oh yeah, Marco. Well, how did you do Marco? Just do Marco? No, I did a lisp, which is wrong. Well, don't do that, then. Do it right. How dare you? This is an respectable establishment.

The Italian owner, so. God. He lived in Rome his whole life. He yelled the baldish main manager man. Get out. You are bad, the lot of you! He spent a little bit of time in Spain because his mother's Spanish. So finally, someone who comes from the real world is like,

you can't just fuck in my restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this the first time they've ever been stopped? I think so. Yeah. It's just like, this is random, ridiculous behaviour. You shouldn't be doing this here. Because we just assumed in the world of Belinda Blink like this was this is normal acceptable yeah but not in the

banks of rio de janeiro clearly um so you're barred they're barred well they're never going back are they they're gonna give you that for that what a punishment yeah dev load have you ever been barred from a pub i don't think so alice i've never been to a pub. Pub? Question mark? I'm sorry, what? Have you been barred from pubs, James? I have been barred from... Well... It's easier to list what he's allowed.

I have been barred from one pub. And this was about 10 years ago. It actually made national news. I knew it was going to be something else that we haven't mentioned before. Why have we never talked about this?

I was in the pub. It was a pub in Soho in London. And next to our table there was a gay couple on a date. Not me.

For once. I didn't know them. And they started making out because it wasn't even like a make out really. They just kissed each other. And they got thrown out of it wasn't even like a make out really. They just kissed each other and they got thrown out of the pub.

And then I... I remember this. Yes. I remember this. It was like front page of the Guardian and stuff. It was the... Yes, exactly. And I've never...

Well, I was barred famously, but I would never go back anyway. I wouldn't know that because I saw it in the news. Yeah, so I then started protesting in the pub to be like, you can't throw someone out for that he's an ally i am you knew and then i don't know what you would have known um and then me and my friend lucy we got barred as well we got thrown out and then barred without you can never come back and then yeah it was in the press and all sorts oh my god of course his barring has to make the national media. Fucking front page. Ridiculous.

Was there a picture of you as well, or like a quote from you? I think there was a quote from me somewhere, and Lucy as well. But I always wonder what happened to that couple, because they were really nice. But I mean, it was a first date, so they're probably not still together. Jamie, on behalf of the gay community, thank you for your tireless efforts to make safer spaces in London. Look, it was outrageous, and justice had to be served. And I think it was actually, I think there was a change of management at that pub.

So can we go back yet? I think you can. I still can't, but go nuts. Do you think your face is behind the bar? How do they ever remember? This is what I don't understand about barring people. Because he was on the cover of The Guardian. He made sure his face was on there. I wasn't on the cover of The Guardian.

But the couple had a photo shoot on the homepage, yeah. Jamie provided headshots, but they never made the spread. So they've been barred. Right. So the chief executives all giggled and laughed and tittered as they were escorted out, smeared with sex sweat and a reckless nature. squirted out, smeared with sex sweat and a reckless nature. However, unfortunately for them,

as this mob of naked bodies flooded the street, a passing police car summoned its sirens. Uh-oh. In the clink. Maus para cima, voce estendidos. I'm sure that was perfect. Okay. Shall I Google that? Sure.

Portuguese, obviously. Which is a hard accent. Hands up, you are detained. Okay. Oh. Busted. So, James, you said that so beautifully. Just say it again.

Mas para que me avance este tito. The police people screamed as they began handcuffing everyone they could see. Oh, God, they'll love that. Belinda was no novice when it came to evading capture. This is true. Or evading work. Quite. this is true or evading work quite and with a thankful kiss to spoons above them all she grabbed giselle and bella oh so that's like to the heavens is that yeah maneuvering the beautifully patterned sidewalk stones the that is famous isn't it in rio that the beautiful

pavements okay there he goes again. Maneuvering... This is for his travel show. All right, Palin, put it away. Maneuvering the beautifully patterned sidewalk stones, the glee team became lost in deepest, darkest Rio. Fully nude. Fully nude. Nude to the eyeballs, is what you would say.

Belinda knew only one hiding place. As they trudged through the sand, Mother Nature's whispers I thought they were on the side streets. Well, as they trudged through the sand. Don't you put that little finger up at me. Don't you wail and then finger me.

We just had a whole sentence about the pavements and we've gone straight to the sand. Well, if you know Brazil... I don't. Okay. As they trudged through... We might learn something. As they trudged...

A horrid little finger. As they trudged through the sand, Mother Nature's whispers caressed their naked bodies on the Ipanema beach. Wind. It's like reading a cryptic crossword at this point, isn't it? Mother Nature's whispers, four letters. Also, you have to accept, and I know that we're eight years deep, so everybody knows this,

but you have to accept that time passes in a strange way. Distances pass in a strange way. You're on the cobbles, you're on the sand. No, no, no, but that is famous in Rio, is that those sidewalks are next to the beach. I'm just saying, Al. I'm just saying. I don't know. It's starting to feel like the later Game of Thrones seasons.

You know, when the crows travelled really quickly. They were like, send the crow, and it would get there in like an hour. Planting themselves down, Giselle mused something. If only we had smuggled a box of cachaca out of there well where where's she pulling it from come on don't unless she's wearing a backpack let's skip over this bit what is cachaca it's the sugar is it sugar spirit yeah oh i thought it's like a box of nuts that you make then i was like where's she putting that? No, it's what you make a caipirinha from, isn't it?

Oh, okay, right. Well, turns out I've always been good at hide the bockle. Oh, no. Boccle? Is it written bockle? Boccle. It's written bockle. I know where this is going and I don't like it.

Do you? Where on earth is it going? I mean, two sentences ago they were being arrested, so I can't keep up. I've always been good at hide the buckle. Bella barked, removing a practically full gird of Brazilian elixir. From where? Doesn't specify. Huge imagination.

Well, it's coming from, yeah, it's coming from an orifice. Well, exactly. So I knew where this was going. Gosh, how we do love you Bella words or tongues can never communicate it Giselle laughed while they were stocking the bar

Belinda had been scavenging the sand for some old driftwood stocking the bar are they setting up a beach bar and where have they got where have they got more than one well I think they have just got one bottle of Cachaca. Grabbing the perfect twiggies, she got on her hands and knees,

her perfect ass as plump and whole as the full moon above. Whole? Why would it be anything other than whole? She began rubbing the hard bits of wood together as vigorously as a teenage boy discovering self-pleasure for the first time. Ringing its neck.

Not before too long there was a fire. Wow. Who do you think was such a survival expert? Bear Grylls. Are you guys imagining it at night or in the day?

Night. A night time meal. Not before too long, there was a fire. Lighting multiple pieces of rubbish, Belinda looked at her comrades. They're burning rubbish. I thought she was finding loads of driftwood. I don't say this lightly, she spoke, but I love you girls. I don't know who I'd be without your friendship, guidance and laughter in my life.

It's being an adventure. Oh, bloody hell. And there have been hard parts, of course. Yeah, when one of them was on the run for being a murderer. Weeks ago. A homicidal maniac, if I recall. Tried to maniac if i recall tried to kill them there's been hard parts there's been highs there's been lows when they they were you would say they were arch nemeses wouldn't you at one point yeah

but all was forgiven and you know friendships are complicated you know You know? So there have been hard parts, of course. Oh, there have been many hard parts, Belinda. Laugh, Giselle. Oh, God. Love that bit. It's a good one. It's a good one. You can't laugh.

You were the hard part. You were the fucking nightmare. I think she means erections. Oh, erections. Yeah. Still means erections. Oh, erections. Still not that funny. Oh, I mean, I would say less funny. I think it's funnier to be like, oh, whoopsie, that was me.

I think you made it funnier than it was intended and I don't think that that can go without comment. Oh, there have been many hard parts, Belinda. Remember Adam and his Bush mill-stained hose, never mind his red London bus cock. What? Can you say it quieter and clearer? Sorry.

So loud. Bella, you're on the run from the police. Shut the fuck up. They're round a campfire. They're right there. Remember Adam and his bush mill stained hose, never mind his red London bus cock? Bella cackled.

No. Of all the memories. Of all the memories. I can't say I do. Oh. Hee, hee, hee. I do. Hee, hee, wee.

I really do. Oh, hee, hee, hee. I do hee, hee, wee. I really do. Belinda wheezed and continued. Ha, ha, hee, ha, ha, wee. There you go. It's a classic ha, ha, hee, ha, ha, wee moment. God, girlies. This sand will be rock solid with tears and juices if you don't stop me laughing.

I'm not sure that's how sand works, but that's the least of our worries, isn't it? I mean, they've definitely like found their tribe, haven't they? Oh God. I mean, yeah, we can all agree on that. I don't know if that's a compliment. If you brought anyone else into this group, you'd be like, fuck you laughing at, I don't get any of it. Oh God, this design will be

rock solid with tears and juices if you don't stop me laughing. But seriously, this new position, it's really frying my Brian. What? This thing is frying your Brian.

It's frying my Brian. I think it just fried your Brian real good. Oh, God. Frying my Brian. It's really frying my Brian. I think that's brain. It's really frying my brain. I have to ask a question.

What's my favourite type of egg? What's this? Do you know what this is? I've got no fucking idea. You laughed like you knew. I laughed because it was absurd. Did you think she was going to ask that question? No.

I just thought it was so ridiculous. It must be a thing. I think that all the way through, I'm like, oh, this must be a thing. No, it's just rocky's like slow dissolution into complete madness oh god are they were gonna shout at the same time like poached and like oh look we're all the same fried my favorite egg um is are you asking the group okay is what my friend describes as a vicar's egg go on so it's sort of hard boiled but like the yolk is still kind of shiny so you could pee you could have it in your pocket as a

vicar and you could peel it and you could eat it sort of like an apple. Oh that's cute. But it's got like a bit of. A bit of give to the yolk. A bit of give. I once ordered a full English on. This is fertile ground isn't it? Why is it that every finale James has some sort of food related tale? Was it disappointing sandwiches one year? What was it? Yeah, yeah. The mozzarella that was cheddar. The mozzarella, yeah. Go on. Yeah, I once ordered a full English breakfast on Deliveroo. Have you ever seen an egg that's been travelling for 20 minutes in a car? It's a sight to behold. Was it repulsive? I didn't eat it. It was a fried egg and it obviously... Imagine just like... James, I can i can't i mean talk about juices and wetness this egg it's not designed for distance though is it an egg i would say is an instant food out the

pan onto the plate anyway so i have to ask you a question what's my favorite type of egg. Giselle. Oh, lordy Lou. You really must be pissed. Giselle laughed off. But then she contemplated the question with a respectful air. Why? Favourite type of egg. This better go somewhere. This better go somewhere. If this is the finale, people have tuned in for this.

Favourite type of egg. That's a tricky one. Is it frozen to keep your reproduction options open? Oh, okay. She proffered. Why is Rocky getting involved with that discussion? Nope. But good thinking, Batgirl.

Bella? Are we near the end? I'm just like, how is he going to wrap this up no but good thinking fat girl Bella

is this like one of those things like what's your favourite kind of boat a friendship like is it going to come back around it's like

a friend egg excellent adventures Adventures. Exciting orgasms. Do you know what? We've just rounded this off better than it could possibly happen in the next four sentences. Nope. But good thinking, Batgirl. Bella? If every bizbrek we've ever had told the truth, I'd say poached.

Bingo. Belinda. She's poaching them. She's poaching them to take them with her for the job. She's poaching them. She's going to take them with her. Oh, God. Why did she just say that? What's my favourite type of egg? Bingo. Powdered.

Belinda, tintinabulated. Is that a word? Let's check. I don't want this to go unremarked upon. Is it the last word? Oh, my God. God, that's a weird looking word. Yeah, isn't it?

Is it a real word? Look how it's written, though. It's written like a weird looking word. Yeah, isn't it? Is it a real word? Look how it's written though. It's written like a rocky word. Tintinabulated. The first tin, one N. The second tin, two Ns. Bonkers. A ringing or tinkling sound.

Oh. Tintinabulation. Bingo. Tintinabulated. Consider you both. What? Yeah, I'm Bella in this situation. Oh, and what?

Bella and Giselle asked, clearly too drunk themselves to understand. No, I think it is quite coded. Yeah, super convoluted. Well, I can't run bish all on my lonesome, can I? That's what you've been hired to do. I need both of you. How would you like to join me over in East Berlin?

What an offer. It may only take one woman to sell a few pans, but it's going to take at least three to take over the world. Is this supposed to be rousing? Is this supposed to feel, as a woman, I'm not inspired? Shifting her numbing ass from one bit of sand to another bit of sand.

Distracting. Giselle raised her glass of cachasse. Oh, they've got glasses too. Have they forged those? With the fire and the sand. They really are nifty. Giselle raised her glass. You see Bella blowing glass on the beach.

Flute, anyone? Giselle raised a glass of cachaça to the heavens. Her lips opened, allowing words to flow. G is for gin. Oh, tea. Bella grinned. I thought we were going to do the whole thing. Bella grinned and held her flute.

Oh my God. And laughed. Tea is platonic. Beaming, Belinda raised her own glassware receptacle to join theirs. Our six titties are supersonic. In unisonison the friends colleagues and soul sisters chanted

ready guys do you remember it I think so I think we don't mind men we don't like fuss we're the glee team come and get us

to be fair that was actually phenomenal. Where did we dredge that from? And then the police arrived. The triumvirate of power women downed their cachassas. Bella looked at Belinda. Belinda looked at Giselle. Giselle looked at Bella. Bella looked at Giselle. Giselle looked at Bella.

Bella looked at Giselle. Giselle looked at Belinda. Belinda looked at Bella. All in a confident silence, decorated with the beautiful drapery

of smiles. Guys, Belinda Blink. She had to, she had to. And that is the end of my dad wrote a poem. Oh my God, stop. Wow. Wow. Wow. Thank God.

I actually didn't expect him to say that. That's the last piece of Rocky writing we'll ever read. Oh my God. One can but dream. Yeah, never say never. If all of the job requests that you've put out subliminally in this episode don't come to fruition, you might be giving us a call. Yeah, if it's a no from Dreamworks, I be back um wow so she said no hang on james

quickly i actually brought some champagne just at the end of the uh you know do you want a chapter alice i was hoping you could blow some glasses outside actually what's hilarious is alice has to turn her fridge off for a court yes so. So she's been chilling the champagne in a fridge that is off. Can you do the honours, Jamie? Oh my God, I'm like shaking. I'm actually emotional. Do you want James to do it? No, it's all right.

No, he still wants the glory. This is always the... Oh, I was going to say anticlimactic pop, but actually really good. Well, cheers, everyone. Cheers. Cheers. This is so special. Well, cheers, everyone. Cheers. Cheers.

This is so special. It is. It's my old garden. Can you just... Maybe a set of six glasses. James looked at Alice. Alice looked at Jamie. Jamie looked at James.

Jamie looked at Alice. Yes, exactly. So did you want to do a quick recap, James? You were in the middle of doing that. Well, I was just going to say, so as we leave her on her adventures, she remains single. Yeah. Great.

She's going to carry on being that independent woman. And as we remember from the subtitle of the original book, how the sexiest sales girl in business earned her huge bonus by being the best at removing her high heels. I mean, she's done that. She's done it. Sort of, yeah.

I mean, the high heels thing is a bit random. Would you guys agree this was a modern story of sex erotica and passion yeah i think modern's pushing it but if it's not passionate and erotic it's definitely not modern yeah so she got her bonus she's got this amazing job and she's got her glee team as a reader i feel entirely satisfied and of course you know we should say that dad will continue writing belinda blink it's not going to end it's just you know reading these books um is no longer going to happen we have no control over that exactly he will continue until his grave and long may belinda rain um i did want to kind of say a

few things if that's all right just because i did wonder why he was clutching his phone like that. Yeah, I thought we'd done everything on your list. They said I was going to read up my CV. No, I just wanted to kind of say a few things, because it is the end of My Dad Wrote a Porno. Have you prepared a speech? I have a little bit, yeah. Oh, okay. Oh my God. Well, thank God someone did.

I know. Seriously. One of us should take it seriously guys um so it goes without saying that my dad wrote a porno has been a pretty life-changing experience for all of us and i met these two idiots you know when i was 18 years old uh and i didn't really have a clue who i was or what I wanted to do and to think that 20 years later we would have done all these ridiculously stupid things together is kind of unbelievable and you two really are like my siblings more than my friends

so I just want to say I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing I just want to say a massive thank you to both of you for being brave enough to read these sordid pages with me without knowing what the hell we were going to discover at any point you really took a massive leap of faith and there is nobody

on the planet I would have rather read my dad's porn with than you guys so to you two cheers and speaking of dad porn, how can I not thank Rocky Flintstone? Yes.

You know, for being the best sport in the world and the best dad, obviously. But we have time to get all gooey with him because he is going to be appearing next week on his first and last Footnotes episode ever. Don't say gooey, but yeah. Yeah. There's no better person to round off my dad wrote a porno than the man himself so we cannot wait to have him on the mic with us

uh but it's not just dad i have to thank my three sisters and of course my mum of course hello wilma wilma's been through the ringer she really has um for letting all this happen in the first place so um to the whole flintstone fam thank you very much to the flintstone cheers cheers cheers what a clan and last but not least um i don't know i kind of speak for all three of us when i say this actually i'm not sure about that where's it going yeah i'll put my name to it once i've heard it thank you uh a massive thank you to the listeners oh yeah the belinkers i do agree with that. You guys are just amazing. And my favourite thing about this show

has been the community that we've built together. All of us together. You're the most supportive, funny, creative, loyal gang of perverts. Whether it's painstakingly designing the Cry No More knife or writing countless versions of Fuck Me Can. You have been so involved

and invested in the adventures of Belinda. And it's been so amazing seeing you being there for each other too. I remember a few years ago, someone tweeted that the pod had helped them with their mental health and they were struggling. And there were so many replies from fellow listeners offering support and love.

And one of you said, we Belinkas stick together. And I think that sums us all up really. We're one big perverted family now. And we've never taken you guys for granted. And without you listening, we would never have made it this far. I mean, Belinda would probably still be handcuffed

to a trellis in a maze somewhere. You really have been the best. And I know I speak for all of us when I say it's been a privilege to make the show for you all. So to the Blinkers. To the Blinkers. Oh, what a motley crew. So with that, we close the book of Belinda Blinked.

But as we've said, do come back next week. For our very last episode we can't help it we're going but not yet yeah the very last episode with a truly iconic can we say I'm going to say iconic

Rocky Flintstone I mean completely nuts that we're letting him come on to basically have the last word it's the official right to reply isn't it

after all these years of having a pop. And next week, we promise, is the final final. It really is the end next week. You've said it all really, Jamie. I don't really know what else to add to that, but lovely words. I know from when things that I've enjoyed watching and listening to, when they end,

it really feels like a loss. And I think it will feel like a big loss in our lives that we don't come and sit around the table and do this because it's been such a big part of our friendship and a big, big part of just how we've grown up in like nearly 10 years. Probably like when we first started talking about it, it's really bonkers to me. I feel like I've been in one of rocky scenes

and the times jumped from 2014 to 2022 and i don't know how it happened it's yeah it's wild uh and i'd like to say a few words even though you two have fucking stolen everything to say i agree with everything they said and i endorse it imagine me saying it too but i think we should say some specific thank yous thank you to everyone who was a footnotes guest yes we love you all and thank you so much for giving us your time

to chat about the crazy world of Belinda we also want to thank our friend Klein who designed that little podcast artwork you're always trying to hide on your phone

so people don't know what you're listening to our friend Klein Borrell designed that and he did a fantastic job so thank you Klein Martin Batchelor. Legend.

He came up with the now iconic My Dad Wrote a Porno theme tune. He did. We sent him a very weird brief eight years ago. Did we say a kind of sexy, slinky, sleazy? 70s, horny. So a round of applause for Martin. Our friend Annie Morris, who has helped us with loads of our posters and all the beautiful designs you see on our socials gorgeous thank you to you beautiful gowns and we just want to give a big shout out to a cast who are our distributor i've

never really known what they do that's a very informal way of saying it i feel like we've grown up with them we have they saw something in us really early i remember we pitched the idea super early they were like i love it it's hilarious and we've kind of been with them ever since and they've been amazing and they've been nurturing they've gone from small offices to big offices i'm just saying like is that correlation something to do with this and because of this world we've built together and this big gang or perverted family as jam Jamie put it. You know, we thought the podcast is ending, but I don't want to be too cheesy here, but my dad wrote a porno as an ending.

So just keep your eyes peeled. That's all I'm going to say. You don't create a phenomenon and then put a full stop after it. You don't. You put a semicolon and that's what we're doing. So consider this a semicolon and just, you know, we'll see you soon.

So yes, please do join us next week for the last ever episode and a very special footnotes with the main man himself, Mr. Rocky Flintstone. Actually can't wait. It's going to be amazing.